#I just need to do something right now to distract while intentionally avoid social media

[wordsandshawn]

It’s always been you...

//How many times can a heart break?//

Here it is -- the angst piece I’ve been talking about. Feedback is always appreciated! 

The timing was bad. Logistically, it didn’t make sense. There were too many things pulling you both in too many different directions. Even so, you wanted it to work out, and you thought that he did too. You thought that you were both on the same page, but apparently, you weren’t. Because it was we’ll wait, we’ll figure it out, together and then not even two weeks later, he’s in LA, and there are photos of him all over with a girl. Not only is he with her, but they’re holding hands and kissing.

Naively, you thought he’d have an explanation. That you’d call, and he’d answer and tell you that it’s all wrong, a mix-up, a bad dream. But you call, and he doesn’t answer, again, and again, and again. Your mind is going crazy. You’re not together, technically. You agreed that you needed a break from whatever it was you two had, which wasn’t even a real relationship, at least not officially. When you were together it felt real, and you thought it felt real to him too, so maybe that’s why it hurt so much to see him with someone else, to know that he doesn’t even value you enough to bother returning your phone calls.  

It seems like the timing has always been always bad with you two, but he didn’t have to move on like you meant nothing to him at all. Even though you convinced yourself it wouldn’t work, it doesn’t make it any easier to see him with someone else now. It hurts you even more to see to have to see him plastering his new relationship all over the place. Somewhere, in the deepest part of your heart, you want him to be happy, even if it’s not with you. But at the same time, you don’t want to have to watch him love someone else. At this point, you’ve been trying to avoid Instagram and social media entirely.

Maybe she is better suited for him. For one, she’s not tied down to one place like you are because of your job and University. She works in the same industry that he does, so she can travel, meet him wherever he’s at, any time. She can be there for him to support him at his concerts and walk beside him on red carpets. He deserves that. He deserves someone who can be there for him in all the ways that you can’t.

Another thing, one you wish you didn’t have to see, is that they’re constantly engaging in PDA. If that’s something Shawn wants, which it appears he does, then you’re positive you weren’t right for him because you would never do most of that in public. You wouldn’t even do it if no one knew who your boyfriend was. So, you certainly wouldn’t do it with Shawn, knowing that fans are always watching and taking pictures, not to mention the presence of paparazzi and the way those pictures spread online like wildfire.

Telling yourself he’s not right for you and you’re not right for him is the only thing you can do to make yourself feel better at this point. At least you try to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t really work.

Even though you’ve been insanely busy with work and Uni, it seems like even that’s not enough to distract you from seeing him everywhere. You’ve resigned yourself to believing that whatever you might have had or almost had with Shawn is completely over and that it’s never happening. You weren’t good enough for him. You should’ve known from the beginning that he would never choose you when there are so many better options out there.

Its mid-afternoon in Toronto. You’re walking to class when your phone starts buzzing in your hand. His name is the last thing you expect to see when you look down at your phone, especially because of how “in love” he appears to be lately. You don’t understand why he’s calling, but curiosity gets the best of you, and you answer even though a part of you thinks it would be best if you clicked ignore. “Hello?”

“I miss you.” His voice is raspy like he’s tired, or he overused it.

“What are you talking about?” You question, knowing that he’s clearly in a relationship and probably shouldn’t be calling just to tell you something like this.

“I just miss you, and I want to come see you.” He responds.

“Where are you?” You wonder aloud. Against your better judgment, your immediate thought is whether or not it would be possible to see him.

“Singapore.”

Although you don’t know what time it is there, you can only imagine it’s late. You know as well as he does that neither of you are in the right emotional state to be having this conversation right now. For him, because it’s late and he’s probably tired, and for you, because you’ll never be in the right emotional state to talk to him while he’s in a relationship, no matter what time of day it is. “Go to sleep, Shawn.”

“No, y/n, don’t hang up!” He basically pleads, causing you to hesitate.

“Shawn, you have a girlfriend. Call her.” You respond, all emotion gone from your voice.

“I don’t want to talk to her.” He says with more force than you expected. Then his voice becomes soft, almost dropping to a whisper, “I want to talk to you.”

“Shawn, I can’t do this. She’s probably better for you. She’s probably better than me.” You whisper the last part, the words that have been floating around in your mind a lot these last few weeks, the words that have been haunting you. “Don’t fuck it up.” You say, hoping that you’ll be able to get him to understand that he clearly is in a relationship and he should not be telling you half of these things.

“Y/n, you’re not listening. I don’t want her. I want you.”

“Stop. I can’t – I can’t do this. You’re not thinking straight. Goodnight.” You say, hanging up the phone before he can say anything more. You stare at your phone for a whole minute after ending the call, a part of you expecting him to call back, but he doesn’t.

The next day when you wake up, you think maybe you’ll have a missed call, but you don’t. You think maybe he’ll call again, but he doesn’t. Two days later, you see more pictures of him walking hand in hand with her, a huge smile plastered across his face as he stares lovingly at her in every single picture, and right then you know that everything he said to you that day was all a lie. If he meant it at all, he wouldn’t still be flaunting his relationship with her. It only causes the ache in your chest to hurt worse.

You almost force yourself to believe that desperate phone call was just a dream or something crazy you made up in your head. Almost. Because two weeks later, your phone rings again and Shawn’s name is on the screen. Just when you thought you might finally be getting over him, he calls again. This time, he doesn’t even bother with any sort of greeting. It’s probably late, he might be a little bit tipsy. His voice is raspy again, just like last time. “It’s always been you, y/n.”

You weren’t expecting to hear that, but you respond almost automatically to that statement. You intentionally push down the emotions that are reemerging and have been bubbling up in you these last couple of weeks since the last phone call. Your voice sounds cold because you’re terrified of being vulnerable. “Don’t give me that bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit. I’m not lying.” He responds, not sounding surprised by your response. It’s like he expected you to respond with hostility like he knew it was coming.

“Yeah, right. Like last time you called to tell me this shit and then a day later you were prancing around the city with her. Stop fucking with my heart, Shawn. It’s not fair.” Some of the emotions you tried so hard to hide fizzle back to the surface. These are the words that you’ve wanted to tell him since he last called.

“I made a mistake. I know that now. I knew it then too, but I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Are you still with her?” You question, feeling angry at yourself for the way that you feel your hopes getting built up. Like maybe this time he called to tell you it’s over with her, that he really does want you, and now you’ll be able to live happily ever after like you’ve wanted to for so long.

The silence that follows the question is all the answer you need. He finally responds. “It’s complicated.”

“I don’t have time for complicated, Shawn. Don’t call me again.”

You’re not lying. You don’t have time for complicated. What you didn’t say and wouldn’t say is that you always have time for Shawn, complicated or not. You always have, and you probably always will. Even though he’s with someone else, and you think you really should be over him and the way he’s broken your heart so many times, you don’t think you’ll ever fully get over him, not in the way that matters. Not in the way that will actually free you up enough to walk away from him and the way he makes you feel.

Somehow, he always manages to draw you back in, which is why even when you say the words, even when you tell him not to call again, you know you don’t mean it. And you know you’ll still wake up in the morning and check to see if he’s called. Or when your phone rings, you’ll always half expect to see his name on the screen. You don’t think that will ever change. The truth is you’re not sure if you want it to ever change.

He doesn’t call again, for a while at least. When he finally does, you’re lucky that you don’t see the call because you’re busy. You don’t bother calling back. And the next time, you have the strength to let it go to voicemail.

People thought his relationship was just for publicity at first, and a part of you really wanted to believe it was fake, but as more time passes, you’re starting to think it’s not just for show, and maybe he really is happy with her.

It takes two whole months for you to finally stop checking your phone for missed calls from him or thinking of him first every time you feel it vibrate. Your friends start giving you a hard time, wondering why you’re not dating, why you refuse to put yourself out there. You won’t admit to them it’s because you’re still waiting around for a guy that’s already long gone.

You’re lying across your bed trying to write a paper, but truthfully, you’re barely even focused on the screen. It’s been a long week, and you don’t have the energy for this. Truthfully, you just want to sleep. You close your laptop, and you’re about to let yourself drift off when there’s a knock at your door. When you don’t answer right away, you hear your roommate's voice on the other end, “Y/n?!” 

She sounds a bit frantic like she really needs something, so you say, “Come in.” You don’t even open your eyes or move from your spot on your bed. You just want to know what she wants so that you can get back to your nap.

“Shawn Mendes is here!” She says as she bursts through the door. 

You think you might be dreaming, but you can’t stop yourself from sitting straight up in bed. “What does he want?” You question immediately.

From the way her expression changes, that clearly wasn’t the response she expected, and you don’t blame her because she doesn’t know anything about him. 

“He said he wanted to see you.”

“Why is he here?” You question, although she gave you the answer already.

“He knows you? You know him? How have you not mentioned this before?” Excitement is bubbling within her, and you don’t want to deal with any of this right now. You brush past her, knowing you’ll answer any questions she might have later, but now’s not the time. Shawn is standing just inside your doorway, looking both nervous and uncomfortable, not his usual demeanor.

“What are you doing here?” You question, not bothering with any formalities. The two of you are way past any formalities. You glance behind you. Your roommate had followed you out from your room, but she senses this isn’t a warm reunion and she ducks back into her own bedroom, giving the two of you space.

“I fucked up.”

You just stare at him, one eyebrow raised. “Ya think?”

“Look, y/n. I never stopped thinking about you.” Your eyes roll before you can control it. “I thought I could just move on. That it would be better for both of us if we weren’t together, but I was wrong. These last three months haven’t been better without you, not even close. I miss you.”

“Fuck,” You whisper, shaking your head. “I can’t do this.” You finally say, feeling overwhelmed. In some ways, he’s saying everything you’ve been hoping he would. But more than that, you hate everything he’s saying because it freaks you out. He’s already hurt you so much, and he’s asking you to let him in, to give this a shot, but the only thing you can think is what if he hurts you again.

You need to be alone. Being this close to him is making it impossible to think straight, especially because you want to love him. He makes you want to love him. No, you’re lying to yourself. You already love him. You’ve loved him with every ounce of your being from the very beginning. You just never really let yourself love him, not truly, not openly. And you’re not sure you’re ready for that, not now, maybe not ever.

“Look, I’m really sorry for not realizing this sooner. And I’m sorry that I kept calling and that I just showed up here, but I didn’t know what else to do.” The words come out of his mouth in a rush. Like he’s afraid that if he talks slower, you’ll make him stop before he gets to everything he wants to get to. “You don’t have to believe me. I won’t blame you if you don’t, but I’m here because I need you to know that I didn’t move on and I won’t. I’m here. If you want to get coffee, I can explain. That’s all I’m asking for, please?”

You take a deep breath, trying to regulate your emotions before responding. “Coffee?”

He nods, both of you knowing what this means, a chance. “Just coffee.”

“Let me get my jacket.”

[cleverbroadwayurl]

Prom Queen (Jeremy Heere x Reader Pt 20)

Song: Prom Queen by Catie Turner

Word Count: 2629

Need to Catch Up? Again, everything is linked in my masterlist because Tumblr is being silly about links! 

A/N: Please enjoy this new installment! I’ve been working hard on making sure that this piece is wonderful, and actually over a year ago, I started writing and rewriting this piece! I am so happy with how far it’s come and the support on it is amazing!! Thank you so much! 

Taglist: @retrogarden @be-more-heidi-hansen @scarsonthecuffsofyourjeans @catatonic-kuragin @bluhimaweirdo @stargirl-murphy 

Trigger Warnings: Jeremy self depreciating, mentions of alcohol, extreme concern, mentions of an abusive boyfriend, mentions of traumas happening to a main character, mentions of the SQUIP, if I MISSED ANYTHING LET ME KNOW

Jeremy reaches his hand out, shaking as he tries to move the cursor away from the piece of media. He stops. Sharply, quickly, he shuts his laptop and casts it aside. Rolling over, the tears that had been forming in his eyes now spill down his cheeks. He can feel his legs contracting, toes curling so hard that his muscles begin to hurt, hands gripping the blanket. You were okay. You had to be okay.

Right?

It’s been two weeks since Jeremy had packed up his entire room with Michael and landed himself back at home, in his own room, with his own bed, and his own bathroom. The change had been sudden, weird, foreign to him. There was a though as he had looked at his house—a simple one, a new one: I don’t live here anymore, do I?. As the bags rolled up and into the house, Jeremy felt himself hesitate, like the world had stopped for a second to allow him to just take everything in. Sure, he was happy to be back and see his friends, but he missed some of the people that he’d met at school. He missed being able to have explicit conversations at Michael at literally any time of the day, the 3 AM Super Smash Bros. battles on a random Tuesday. All of this even before he’d stepped into the house that he’d come to know so well. It was weird, frightening almost.

But that melted away when he set up his room and finally got things unpacked. Once everything had its place once again, it felt normal again. It had taken him a week to do that, and the second he finished, Brooke texted the group chat and asked about having a get together while Jake was still in town on vacation before his job started back up again—owning two places as an independent student wasn’t practical, so he just chose to move to the town his college was in and get a job there. He’d only be in town for a week or two, so this event would be important. It would be the only time that the group would see him before their own semesters restarted in four months.

Within the hour, it’s decided: a bonfire in Brooke’s large country backyard. The weather was finally warm enough to actually enjoy Summer activities, rather than just dream about them in the middle of class—Brooke’s words, not his. But the ability to wear a t-shirt with no coat was definitely a liberating feeling. And so it was planned. The date was set, Jake was free, and Jeremy snapped back into reality as he looked around at the done-up backyard that Brooke obviously put time into.

He glances around at the golden lights above his head, the ones from Target that are as big as your fist. The department store called them “patio lights”, but Brooke had just strung them overhead on just part of her large yard, wrapping around beams, and making what would be soon twilight calming, despite the loudness of conversations and people. Within minutes after everyone arrived, the fire was started—safely—and the party officially started. Jeremy kicked the dirt and the lemonade in his cup swished before going back to its static state.

For the safety of everyone driving, Jake mainly, who’d have to drive two hours back the next day, no alcohol was served. It just made things easier for everyone, alcohol had too many reasons to it, too many bad memories, and was too social in such a way that if one person had a drink, it’d be awkward for everyone else and visa versa. But that didn’t mean there weren’t options. There was soda, lemonade, pink lemonade, juice, and water. Of course, you could also mix different drinks together to create something new, which apparently Rich liked to do, because that’s what Jeremy ended up with after he’d asked “can you get me something to drink?”

It wasn’t a bad taste, it was just different. He’d asked for no caffeine, shockingly, because it was late and he kinda wanted to sleep that night. And Rich had kept his promise not to do that. He wasn’t going to intentionally go against someone’s wishes for no reason—that was dick move he’d been done with for almost 2 years now.

A breeze goes by, and for the first time in months, it feels good. It’s a cool 65, warm enough to wear a t-shirt and jeans, but not get cold when the breeze does hit you. The sun continues to set and the area goes from the golden that Jeremy envied and avoided so much to the darker hues of blue around him. The lights in the larger country house go on, the little kitchen window overlooking the backyard now prominent against the forest behind the party. As Jeremy zones out of conversation, he can feel heat in his chest—he missed this. He’d missed his friends, missed the get togethers, and while he really loved having people on his college campus that didn’t know anything about his junior year, he liked having people that he could relate to. He liked having a support group that didn’t need words to operate, but knew just by your actions what was happening. He enjoyed the way that he relaxed around the group, the way that everything seemed to click. No one was alone in the group, unless that person asked to be alone. He liked it. College was spent alone usually, this was…nice was the best word he could come up with.

Daisy runs through the party and stops at Jeremy. He can’t help a smile as he leans down and pets the yellow lab, her face reflecting the smile. The dog pants and enjoys the pets she gets before dashing off to a new part of the yard, chasing or following or doing something sweet that big dogs do. His heart swelled as she did so. Jeremy wasn’t sure why, but big dogs had such a soft spot in his heart. With a fluid motion, Jeremy decides to actually socialize with the people around him. His lemonade concoction swishes as he walks, and he’s careful to not spill it on himself or onto the ground. Jeremy decides to join the group of Chloe and Jenna; it’d been a while since he spoke to either of them, probably since around the holidays.

He joins in at the seemingly wrong time: Jenna’s talking about her social work classes for her major and prelaw track. She’s smart, she’s confident, and the prelaw track was unexpected, but it suits her. The information she now stores in her head is to indefinitely help people instead of using it in the snake-like way she once did. While not the social butterfly in high school, Jenna sure seems to be one in college. Good for her.

There’s an exchange on conversation, shifting to Chloe’s interest in design. She’d been debating on which design for a while, but was now narrowed down to two different kinds: textile or interior. Jeremy was sure she’d choose interior. Chloe continued to talk on, but Jeremy couldn’t pay attention to her. The things she was saying were interesting, and he’d remember the silly facts later when talking to her. He knew how much Chloe loved to talk about design and creating—he’d get the spiel later.

No, instead, something felt off. There was something ominous about the Summertime for some reason. It felt like something was missing, like there was a loose connection somewhere. It had happened before, but nothing this strong, this out of place. It was that feeling you get when first starting a horror game. That edge, that something’s wrong but I don’t know what feeling. He kicks the dirt once again, lemonade drink clonking against the sides of the cup. This time, the drink doesn’t matter, the ground is just dirt, everything just felt like shapes. Fuck, maybe Night in the Woods had gotten to him too much. It wasn’t the same kind of shapes, though. It just…everything mattered to him, but the shapes persisted around him as the feeling kept haunting him.

As a distraction, he looks at the road and the neighbor’s house across the street. It’s a wooden house, and seems to only be stained and not painted. There are shutters, but Jeremy doesn’t notice them right away. It’s almost like a much larger version of a cottage in the woods. Instead, this is in an almost field area, out in the country but not owning any land for farming. It doesn’t matter. Jeremy can’t shake the feeling that there’s something odd. The air felt different, his mind is thinking about what that one thing is. He’s too distracted for a distraction.

Another breeze passes through, and Jeremy gets a chill this time as the leaves begin applauding the night. But instead of being set back into the present, Jeremy is escorted to the past. He can remember the wooden bench, the white paint, the architecture, the light in the octagon in the center of the roof, the that he—stop. It’s a command to himself. He can’t think about you. He can’t have the memories that include his senses happen here, not now. That would ruin the night, he’d have to go home, and not by himself. There’s no possible way to operate a car while his brain is giving him flashes, beautiful moments he’d shared with you—the way you’d clutched that coffee mug in the café, the way you’d been so afraid of everything, except, for the most part, him. The way you’d fallen asleep against the window of his car as he drove you home that first night, the Instagram posts, the moments of reluctancy, how everything came crashing down during one of the longest nights of Jeremy’s life. But he couldn’t start thinking about you now. He couldn’t think about the butterfly effect, the evidence that screams at him that you’re not okay or even worse.

Now is not the moment to think about that. Those times usually end in him playing the switch until 4 in the morning, trying to rid his head of you. All anyone had to do was ask Michael about it, he’d been the one to tell Jeremy to save for fuck’s sake and go to bed. Jeremy shakes his head of those thoughts, eyes searching for Michael around the yard, but fuck, he must be hallucinating because Michael isn’t anywhere to be found. Plan B: look for Rich.

But as soon as Jeremy’s eyes scan for Rich, he can’t spy that usually easy to spot red streak that Rich had kept so nicely. It was a trademark at this point, but not being able to find the trademark was terrifying. It was at this moment that Jeremy had to find someone who could just distract him until he could find one or both of them. And that’s when the conversation at hand seemed perfect for him. Jenna’s studies were interesting, an easy distraction was laid right in front of him. So he tuned in for a bit, but his brain was only retaining little information. The conversation had turned to white noise long ago, and his hand gripped the cup in his hand, knuckles turning white from forcing himself to attempt to be calm for just long enough to pass off that things were at least okay.

His eyes finally fix on the forest that surrounds the backyard, calming trees standing proudly against the golden light from the house and string lights above them. The yellowish glow gave the scene a heavenly glow. How ironic. As the darkness continued to seep into the area, the backs of the forest better fit Jeremy’s mood. On the surface, it was light, it was easy, like the beginning of Oxenfree. But underneath, everything felt dark, something was ominous, something was missing. With that thought, Jeremy realized just how destructive to himself he was being. This wasn’t the time to be thinking about you or trying to avoid thinking about you. Wikihow was right, he shouldn’t focus on forgetting you, he should just let things happen, let thoughts happen, and not dwell on them. It was easier to stop thinking about something when you aren’t trying to actively stop thinking about it. And the logic of it made sense, it’s just much easier said than done.

So his eyes refocus on the people around him, the sky, the idea of this chill party-turned bonfire and how nice it was to see everyone again. He thought about the moments before, the plans he had afterwards, but Michael had been weird about that. They usually played games after get togethers with all of their friends, but Michael had bailed this time, claiming that Jeremy probably wouldn’t want to. It was an odd excuse, and gave Jeremy that same feeling that he’d been feeling all night—and that was it. That was why everything was so odd, so weird, and of course reintegrating yourself back into your hometown is a weird feeling by itself, because again, Jeremy definitely felt like he’d moved. With a swish of his drink, Jeremy hears footsteps growing closer and the chain link fence to keep the dogs in click open.

With a quick assumption, Jeremy assumes that it’s just Jake or Rich or something coming back from getting more ice. It wasn’t warm, but the ice was melting like it was. He supposed that the breeze couldn’t cool it down—god that was a dumb joke. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t say it out loud. Jeremy blinks, and finally he’s able to focus on the conversation again.

But the minute that he’s ready to contribute to the conversation, Chloe and Jenna had backed away a little bit, sitting near the outskirts of the yard as they look at him. Jeremy gives a shrug, a confused look, before noticing that almost everyone had backed away from him and were talking quietly. He whips his head around and locks eyes with Christine. She smiles wide, wider than he’s seen all night, and she gives him a nod before taking another sip of whatever she’s drinking. Panic starts to spread around Jeremy, worried that this was a prank. Was someone about to spill water onto him? Where was Michael, and more importantly, where was Rich? Would they need Mountain Dew Red? Had things gotten bad again? Was that the reason behind the rude prank that he was sure was going to happen?

With another second, Jeremy spots the trademark; Rich’s red streak. He’s sipping his drink, almost trying to hide the large smile on his face. Now that Jeremy notices, everyone is following suit. They all have this playful look in their eyes, almost like he was again—about to be completely punk’d by Michael Mell himself. And then, almost all at once, everyone is telling him to turn around. But he’s not falling for that, he’s not falling for Michael standing right behind him to scare him. No way, not again. Finally, there’s a sound that Jeremy can hear.

“Jeremy?”

It’s from behind him, and he recognizes Michael’s voice. Tensing and almost preparing for the worst, Jeremy starts speaking, justifying his reasoning as he does so: “Michael, I swear to god if you’re—”

And then everything stops. Jeremy’s brain stopped functioning, worse than it had in months. His mouth hung open, drink dropped and now spilling onto the dirt. If it was seeping onto his shoes, Jeremy sure as hell didn’t notice. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing as Michael stepped out of his line of sight. Jeremy can feel his mouth dry, his hands get sweaty, mind running fast enough that every motion that he’d done felt like a million years long. He wanted to say something, he prayed for something coherent and at least kind of smart to say, something that would be perfect, new, and beautiful. Something that captured everything that had been happening, but it didn’t matter. The silence was filled soon enough.

“Hey.”

It was you.

[loadingoliver]

compulsive shopping

something I never thought I would be dealing with. for one, I was never a big spender. since being very little, I hated the thought of people having to spend money on me and I was very good at saving it. yet I've never bought as much as I have the past year and I don't remembered why I bought most of the things or even what they were. which means I've never owned as many unnecessary things before. during that year I also spent all of my savings including some money I’ve had put away for years and rarely touched before because I never had big needs that would require extra money. whenever I reached for those savings this year it felt like an emergency, I planned on putting it back there after my next paycheck, but I never did - some new purchase would always seem more urgent. “I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was living FOR the paycheck”*(The Minimalism documentary). pretty early on I found myself in a financial crisis and had a lot less money to spend, unfortunately it wasn't about how much I would spend, but the way I would spend it.

since I can recall I’ve always hated spending money going out, going to movies, eating with friends, buying food for myself - it seemed like such a waste of money - on something that lasted a moment instead of something material that I could have forever and that would bring me joy and serve purpose. or better yet, multiple purposes, right? too bad I wouldn’t use anything for long. I own some clothes that I wore literally once or twice. most things I would get were horrible quality and poor source which I was aware of. a lot of clothes didn't fit me, therefore didn't serve purpose, but instead would make me feel frustrated with what I looked like. and the joy, momentary excitement, dopamine kick - that was what would initially drive my constant need to buy new things, but it would last less and less time. the rush I would get from checking out “inspirations”, looking up things, reading product reviews, planning purchases, placing orders, waiting for deliveries and then using those items for the first few times- gradually it shrunk to feeling excited until the end of each transaction. I haven't even worn something, I didn't even get it in the mail, I would already look for something else, I was already hung up on something new. I had never-ending lists in my head of stuff I wanted to get next, that I needed next. I had a few private Pinterest boards specifically for that, that's what all my Instagram likes went to. and I would obsess over them. that’s what I would spend all of my free time on. my energy, thoughts, motivation to get up, to work, to survive through bad days. to live, I guess. they were my treats for doing well, my consolation prizes and my what the hell’s. I didn't plan on buying 10 things at once, but just this one and, of course, these two. while still in my head, most things felt essential, unlike previous ones- I was crazy getting that previous item, but this? I clearly need this. if I look better, I’ll feel better.  my shopping habits were gradually becoming more impulsive and compulsive. I was no longer thinking through or questioning what I needed, practicality was not high on my list. I would almost never try on stuff, I would base my decisions on the fact that I liked the way something looked on someone I saw. usually on Pinterest or Instagram- so people of completely different proportions, physical features, lifestyles, preferences and identities - not me. it usually looked good with other articles of clothing that I didn't own, so when shoes arrived in the mail and I wasn’t so sure about them, I would sometimes convince myself that I also needed different trousers, t-shirts, different colours or materials to go with them, that would solve it. when I had less money, I would buy more, but cheaper items. it made so much more sense to buy multiple things for less. and if it’s cheap, why think twice?what's the harm? I actually knew enough about the harms of fast fashion industry, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I couldn’t afford to be environmentally conscious, to make ethical choices, to consider people behind products, to pick more intentionally. I couldn’t afford to buy as many quality items, so I chose quantity over quality. and it’s hard to appreciate quality, when you get bored and dissatisfied with everything so quickly. but each time it felt like that one item was the one that would perfectly fill in the painful space in my life, each product seemed ridiculously important for a short while, it somehow was supposed to be the start of a new life- a toothbrush that, at least in the pictures, matches my bathroom tiles and other beautiful, pure, and organic-looking sink accessories that I was getting next; or a running windbreaker that I can fold into the size of my fist and that might not go with any of my clothes, but I could always have it with me and it would help me save space in my giant everyday backpack full of other essentials. it felt like every little thing would weirdly define me for a second. that when I pick a product, I decide what kind of a person I am. but who I was and what I liked was becoming very blurry.

style and clothing felt like such an easy way or opportunity to redefine or redesign myself. it gave me a sense of identity, it was a symbol of a different better life. and when I was out of ideas for myself and my life, any image that gave me a sense of what I lacked i.e. self-confidence, self-respect, ease, balance or even better social skills or ability to fit in among certain people sounded great. I reached a point where there were too many different voices saying what would make me feel better and I would get very confused. not even with what I needed or wanted, but as to what I liked, what was aesthetically pleasing. which btw, while not the most important in life, comes in pretty fucking handy when you work as a product designer and a craftsman. that lead me to my worse state. I could change my mind about what I wanted to look like, which subconsciously translated into whom I wanted to be, in five minutes while randomly scrolling through a board of pictures on my Pinterest or checking out my Instagram feed. it didn’t come out of nowhere, I was never able to stick to the same clothes, I went through so many stages, I tried out more haircuts within the last five years than most people have in their lifetime. I actually would feel sorry for people who had the same hairstyle their whole life and wore the same type of clothes for years- how boring are you and how unadventurous is your life? I didn’t see the integrity some of those people have, the lack of need to fix what already works, the peace, the contentment, the blissful zero fucks to give about something this empty and unimportant. I thought they lacked sensitivity, awareness and were afraid to experiment or take a risk, while it seemed natural for me to play around, constantly research, look for something. I even convinced myself that I had to be that way to keep an open mind and my creativity levels high. but when it got out of control and started changing so fast I couldn't keep up with it, I realised how much my low-self esteem was being used by the industry convincing me to want new things to fix me and immediately hate the old ones. definitely wasn’t news to me as a phenomenon, but took me a while to realise that it affected me, and how much. as those things tend to, it aligned with various work stuff, break ups, prolonged health problems, family conflicts, other everyday stuff and social media apps, including Instagram and Pinterest, have become my pacifiers, a way to push away all sorts of thoughts, issues, anxiety, to look away, to avoid, to calm down, to entertain myself, to distract me and keep me busy. once I realised just that, they stopped working that well. I suddenly felt like notifications, badges, sponsored posts, fake smiles, free trials, special discount codes, pictures carefully selected for me were attacking me more and more, but none of them no longer made much sense. it all quickly turned into an uninteresting, disturbing, worthless noise and waste of my time that I was able to, surprisingly easily, let go off. sadly, that didn't make my shopping urges and impulses go away. in fact, I still have to fight them pretty much every day and it will take a while. but I really want to work on this. work on this by not letting things be more than things are and define me or change the way I feel about myself. even though I don’t feel great about myself right now. I want to end this post on a positive note because I’m really feeling incomparably better most days now, but the truth is I obviously just started uncovering some stuff and it’s not pretty, so it might take more than giving up retail therapy.

if you can relate, feel more than free to message me, bother me, ask me questions, but beware I might recommend you an endless list of podcasts, essays and videos that helped me and that my friends can’t take any more. if you can’t relate, you lucky fuck, hope you found this interesting. and if you did, the interesting part actually is the shit that happens next, now that I’m taking steps to live a simpler, slower live, without all that excess bullshit, so stay tuned.

[zaddyzimmermann]

Hot Off The Press

Another AU where Jacky-Boy is a hockey player and Bitty has a job that involves hockey bc that’s my aesthetic. Anyway, I really know nothing about how the world of sports journalism works so there is probably some inaccuracies in here, but it’s an AU so who cares. Artistic license and all that. Very slightly NSFW (i just wanted to get all the warnings out there). 

***

“Are you into men?”

Jack has been asked this question before, but in such a subtle way (and typically involving Parson) that it’s easy to avoid. No reporter has ever straight out asked him. Besides, he’s not gay. He’s bisexual. So when Jack usually tells them, “No.” it’s not a lie. However, this time it feels different. Maybe it wasn't just this particular time, but all the times added onto each other that's finally causing him to really think about what hole he's digging himself into.

The blunt question has him feeling panicky and the other presser notice his reaction too. Jack can’t say no, because that’s not true. He is into men. Jack’s panic quickly shifts, and now he just feels like shoving the microphones away and storming out, because this is hockey goddammit. Not E! news.

“Excuse me?” Jack clears his throat, trying to buy himself some time to think of a properly crafted response. Over the years, he's developed a talent for that.

But everything is on overdrive and he feels his breath start to quicken again--

“Are you into men?” Another reporter asks, and it takes Jack a moment to realize that the reporter isn’t asking him. He’s asking the man who popped the question in the first place.

 All attention, including Jack’s, turns to the small blonde that got lost in the bundle of people. He holds up his mic towards the reporter who popped the question in the first place. 

“Excuse me?” The man mimics Jack, but not intentionally. The man actually looks quite offended to be asked in the first place.

“You don’t like being asked such a personal question do you, Tom?” This reporter has a southern accent that makes him stand out even more among the various presser.

“Shut up, Eric. You’re wasting time as usual--”

“I beg to differ.” Eric snorts. “Last time I checked we are supposed to ask Mr. Zimmermann about his win against Pittsburgh, yet here you are, wasting time asking about something irrelevant to your job. Which is reporting on hockey games.”

Jack suddenly realizes that the two men about ready to attack each other know one another, possibly on a level outside of their jobs. It was an assumption, but they did use first names. Jack has never, in all his three years of being in the NHL, witnessed a fight break out between two reporters mid-interview. Jack just stands there awkwardly, feeling gross and sweaty as the adrenaline from his recent win dies down. 

“Anyway,” Eric Bittle bristles, shouldering his way to the front where he can hold his microphone in front of Jack. “I do believe you scored the winning goal just twenty minutes ago. Very nice. How do you think the remainder of the season is looking?” It sounds like Eric is trying to hide his accent, and Jack is temporarily distracted by his big brown eyes. Then he gets himself together, like he always does, and talks about what he’s good at: Hockey.

***

The second time the same sports reporter defends him, it’s when Pittsburgh beats them on home ice. It���s been at least two months since Jack has even heard about the guy. Eric Bittle writes very little articles, but is used as a credible source for dozens of others.

“Do you think your overdose set you back? With your talent, you could have surpassed your father in records by now.”

It was certainly a backhanded compliment, and it’s not the first time someone has said this to him. Although some days, especially today, Jack really isn’t in the mood. It’s so irrelevant to the subject at hand, it is blatantly disrespectful. However, just as Jack nearly snaps, a familiar voice speaks up from the back.

“That didn’t sound like a question.” Eric Bittle, in all his southern glory, has once again popped up from the shadows when Jack needed it most. “You’re also proposing quite a speculation there, Tom. Like always.” 

“Oh my fu- You’re so unprofessional, Bittle!” Tom, Jack realizes, is the same reporter that gave him trouble last time. 

“Hey, I ain’t the one talkin’ about an offensive speculation.” Eric says breezily, focusing his attention back on Jack. “Alright, Mr. Zimmermann, that game seemed to be rough for you--”

“He didn’t answer my question.” Tom glares at Eric before practically shoving his own microphone in Jack’s face.

“Please don’t interrupt.” Jack suddenly says, eyes flickering to Eric, who had a pleasant and welcoming smile on his face.

“Right, as I was sayin.”

***

Thomas Caswell and Eric Bittle are known for having a feud in the world of social media. Jack couldn’t help look up both reporters, and the first thing that comes up is when Eric first defended Jack during a presser months ago. Thomas was in his early forties, while Eric was in his mid-twenties, basically just starting out. Eric Bittle and Thomas Caswell constantly went back and forth on twitter, and Thomas went as far to even bash Bittle in an article. Thomas is also known for asking the, “hard questions”, which is why he’s so popular. He’s famous for making athletes stumble on their words. Eric Bittle has called him out for that too.

“So, I had to stalk this Eric Bittle guy after what happened last night,” Shitty says, feet propped up on Jack’s coffee table and laptop resting on his naked lap. “The dude actually went to the University of Pennsylvania. That’s an ivy league school, man.”

“I know it’s an ivy league school. What does it matter, anyway?” Jack challenges, his tone a bit annoyed.

“For one, he seems like a fucking genius because he was Valedictorian, which explains how he got a job straight out of college. Second, It’s the reason he only seems to show up when you’re playing the Penguins. They probably picked him up right away.”

Jack doesn’t know why he’s so interested in this guy, but whenever Shitty pries it always piques his curiosity. “Is he with their PR team? I thought he worked for the NHL Network.” 

“He’s brand new, Jack. He was probably assigned to a specific team. He doesn’t typically interview the Penguins, he just interviews the teams they play against.” 

“Has he ever… Defended other players?”

Shitty sighs dramatically and closes his laptop. “It’s what he’s famous for, Jack-O. Why do you think they keep him around? If it were some random reporter that no one really knows, the guy would probably get canned.”

“Wouldn’t that mean he would have been fired already? Like in the beginning, when he first started out, they had no idea he would be famous.”

“He used to run a blog, that’s where they found him.”

Jack can’t help but laugh, and he gives Shitty a pointed look. “You sure know a lot about this guy.”

“I’m a lawyer, Jack.” Shitty pats his arm. “I’m great at stalking people.”

“How do those two things even correlate?”

“You’d be surprised.”

***

The past four games have been a loss for the Providence Falconers, so when Jack and his team lose to Pittsburgh again in overtime after coming so close… He’s in a terrible mood.

However, Jack is the captain and he’s required to give a statement on how hard they worked, and reassure fans that they will keep the spot they currently hold in their division, which will send them to the playoffs.

It’s been about a minute of legitimate questions, ones that are easy to answer because they involve hockey and teamwork. Then, Thomas Caswell (of course), says something so over the top Jack just stared in shock.

“Your performance has been less than usual lately. There has been intense speculation that you might have reverted back to drugs --”

“You have got to be kidding me, Tom.” Jack isn’t surprised it’s Eric Bittle who steps in. “I didn’t hear the word hockey, puck, or overtime once in that sentence.” Eric Bittle’s voice is strained, and Jack is surprised with how angry the man looks on Jack’s behalf.

“Not this again, Bittle.” Tom hisses, his eyes not wavering from Jack’s. “You should be fucking grateful they even let you in here.”

Jack didn’t know what Tom meant by that, but by the look on Eric’s face, he sure did. “You’re a joke. Who let you be a sports reporter, Tom?” Bittle counters, his voice extremely passive aggressive to a point it’s almost scary. “You should work for People magazine with all these rumors you’re tryna spread. I feel like that’s where you belong with this cheap type of reporting--.”

Jack didn’t expect it, and neither did anyone else in the locker room. Eric didn’t expect it either, guessing by his reaction. Jack has never, not even fathomed, a reporter using physical violence on another reporter.

The punch wasn’t meant to break anything, but it wasn’t any less violent. It hit Eric’s nose, so the younger man dropped his microphone as he held a hand over his face.

To no one’s surprise, Thomas Caswell is escorted out as Eric stares after him, still stunned.

“That was rude.” Eric mutters, and Jack is so thrown off by Eric’s dismissive reaction he chuckles a little bit.

The whole situation was almost unheard of, but it didn’t take long for the Falconers PR to clean up the situation. Eric Bittle was escorted by the team trainer to get patched up, while the other presser were escorted out of the locker room. 

“Seems like you have fan, Zimmboni.” Tater laughs, slapping a hand on Jack’s back while shaking him a little. “You go make sure he is okay.”

Jack will, but he takes a shower first. He probably smells disgusting and looks it too.

By the time Jack is dressed and his stuff is packed, he checks to see if Eric Bittle is still around. Of course, he prefers that he isn’t because Jack hates this type of confrontation, or just confrontation in general.

Bittle is sitting on the edge of the examination table, swinging his feet back and forth while he scrolls through his phone. Jack clears his throat, because he doesn’t want to say the first word. Eric glances up and a small smile plays on his face. He has a bandage across his nose and it looks a little bruised. “Hello there, Mr. Zimmermann. What brings you in here?” His voice is a slightly nasally from the pressure wrapped around it.

“I wanted to see if you were, uh, doing okay…” Jack leans on the doorframe, watching Eric Bittle’s face go through several different scenarios.

“That’s awfully kind of you. I’m doing alright, though. It’s not even broken.” Eric Bittle hops off the table and walks over to Jack, extending a hand. “Nice to officially meet you.”

Jack glances down at the hand for a few moments before shaking it. It feels small in his, but extremely warm. “It’s nice to finally meet the man who defends me all the time.”

Eric gives him a laugh as he pulls away his hand. “If you look at it from my perspective, I’m here to talk about hockey not about your personal life. That’s your business.”

“You are the only one who seems to think so.” Jack doesn’t mean it to come out bitter, but he can’t help it.

“That’s because I’m the best of the best, Mr. Zimmermann. I only focus on actual news, not that junk I like to call gossip.”

Jack gives him a genuine smile, but he also isn’t reckless. This man was still a reporter afterall, and the presser were sneaky. Parse almost got caught sucking someone off months ago, because a reporter pretended to be a man who knew nothing about hockey.

Eric seems to notice his change in demeanor, but he doesn’t say anything. “I’m really okay, I ain’t gonna go suing your organization or anything. I’ve dealt with bullies all my life, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.”

Jack can’t help himself but frown, because Eric Bittle didn’t seem like the type of person to piss people off. According to Shitty, he actually has a large fanbase of people relying on his work.

“Wipe that look off your face.” Eric laughs, and the warmth of it genuinely stuns Jack for a moment. There didn’t seem anything condescending about the way Eric spoke to him, and Jack has heard the passive-aggressive Eric Bittle several times. “I figured you knew why he said I was “lucky to be in the locker room”. Which is so a thing a forty year old man would say.”

“Is it because you’re new?” Jack tries, but Eric only shakes his head.

“It’s because I’m gay.” Eric waits for a reaction from Jack, but Jack doesn’t know why. Then he slowly realizes why Eric looked so upset right before Tom punched him. “Listen, Tom asking you about your sexual preferences all the time just so he can make some offensive speculation makes me and a lot of people really angry. He also thinks it’s ‘unprofessional’ for me to be in men’s locker rooms. I’m surprised I haven’t punched him yet, to be honest.”

“You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Jack says bluntly. He’s never one for subtlety.

Eric falters for a moment, and Jack becomes tense again. He’s a reporter. Be careful. “No one does, really.” Jack adds.

“You’re a good guy, Mr. Zimmermann.” Bittle finally says after a long pause, then pats his chest. “Just remember, the questions we ask don’t always need an answer. You’re a hockey player, not a reality TV star.”

***

Providence doesn’t play Pittsburgh until both teams are fighting for a spot in the final round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. They were playing on Penguins’ home ice, and in the end, Pittsburgh won by two goals.

Jack has been close to winning the cup before, but never this close. His team is usually kicked out in the first or second round, but this is the first time he’s ever held onto hope for a win.

Jack looks for Eric this time, but he’s not there. He must be with Pittsburgh right now, considering how big of a win this was. Jack didn’t like himself searching for the blonde, because he knew what that meant. He’s not as oblivious to his attraction as he used to be.

Before Jack can wallow in self pity after the loss, Tater drags him to a local bar to try and cheer him up. Jack typically doesn’t drink (because once an addict always an addict) or dance, especially during times like these, but Tater’s loud and optimistic attitude always seems to cheer him up just a little bit, so he gives in. Besides, Tater on the dance floor is a form of entertainment all in its own.

Nevermind.

Even though there are dozens of people here, they still get recognized. Jack and Tater have only been here for thirty minutes, and people can’t seem to leave them alone. Tater likes the company, because fans keep buying him free alcohol even though he doesn’t have to worry about expenses. A girl slides in their booth to settle herself next to Jack, and even though he admires the boldness of her move, it wasn’t welcomed. The last thing Jack wanted was to get involved with someone right now--

 “Mr. Zimmermann? I didn’t peg you for a party boy.”

Jack has never seen Eric in something other than a suit and perfectly kept personna. But of course, because the universe wants him to die a little, Eric is wearing skin tight jeans and tight white shirt that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. For a reporter, Eric is in pretty good shape. His blonde hair is tousled and he looks a little flushed.

 The girl was gone, and Jack wanted nothing more than for Eric Bittle to replace the empty space next to him. Tater was gone and lost in the crowd, probably dancing and entertaining like he usually does. Jack planned on sitting here the entire night so he could drive him home safely… But Eric Bittle seemed like extremely nice company right now.

“Mind if I take a seat?” Eric raises an eyebrow, and Jack only shrugs as he tries not to stare but Crisse....

God dammit.

“I’d buy you a drink, but I’m assuming you’re the designated driver?” Eric holds his head in his hand, giving Jack his undivided attention.

“You’d be assuming right.” Jack says, but he doesn’t continue. He doesn’t really know what’s going on here, and he feels like the two of them are in an awkward equilibrium of assumptions. Jack knows the wheels were turning inside of Eric Bittle’s head, but in no way was Bittle about to make the first move. 

“You weren’t at the presser today.” Jack says to break the silence.

Eric’s smile becomes more flirtatious and Jack is momentarily distracted, but he lets Eric’s voice bring him back in. “Did you miss me, Mr. Zimmermann?”

Jack really doesn’t know how to answer that. He wants to trust this man, and from Shitty’s research he doesn’t seem like the sneaky reporter that nearly cost Kent his career. “Tom wasn’t there to attack me today.” 

“Yeah, he was fired.” Bittle shrugs absently, like it was no big deal. “Thank god he’s gone. Maybe some gossip magazine will pick him up.” 

Jack can’t help but laugh, and he also can’t help that he notices the way Eric lights up. He really, really wanted to take him back to his hotel room. It was a stupid idea, though. He would be outing himself to a man he hardly knows. Besides, Tater hates Ubers so Jack had to make sure he got back safely.

“I heard you’re a genius.” Jack just wanted something to say, because the same silence settled over them again. His face grew immediately warm, though. He basically just admitted he stalked Bittle online.

Eric doesn’t seem to think that, or he’s just really good at hiding the fact he does. His face grows red too, and he avoids Jack’s eyes. “Not really, I mean, it’s all relative.”

“You shouldn’t downplay your achievements.” Jack points out honestly.

“Neither should you.” Eric retaliates. “I know people compare you to your father all the time, and I know me saying this will probably have no affect on you, but you are your own person, Jack. Just because other people compare you two, doesn’t mean you should too.”

Jack, once again, has no idea how to reply to that. For one, he’s a bit annoyed that Eric has made that assumption. Second, he’s also annoyed that Eric is right about that assumption. He says the first thing that helps him deflect his own feelings. “Are you going to put this in an article?” Jack sounds extremely irritated to his own ears, and he internally cringed at that.

Eric raises an eyebrow that tells Jack he’s surprised by the accusation. “Off the record. Didn’t realize that needed to be said. If you don’t see me with a recorder and a mic, I’m off the job. I’m not always working, Jack.”

Jack opens his mouth to maybe apologize for reacting that way, thinking Bittle is mad at him, but Eric just gives him a soft smile.

“I didn’t mean to be intrusive. I’ll leave you be. I didn’t think you might some alone time, I kind of just sat down--” Bittle gets up from the seat across from Jack, and makes his way to be swallowed up by the crowd, but Jack stops him before he even realizes what he’s doing.

“Wait. I got nervous.” Then Jack makes another decision, one he’s probably going to regret later. Jack slides over in the booth, indicating for Eric to join him. Right now, with Eric Bittle in those tight jeans, he doesn’t care about his stupid decision at the moment.

Eric is discreet when he slides in next to Jack. He’s not too close, just in case someone snaps a picture, but he presses his foot against Jack’s calf under the table. When Jack doesn’t move it away, Eric takes that as encouragement.

“Some of those rumors aren’t just rumors.” Jack says quietly, leaning his head slightly towards Eric. “They just aren’t people’s business.”

“Hmm.” Eric hums, trying to read Jack’s face. “That kind of makes me not want to stay here.”

Jack raises an eyebrow in confusion, not quite understanding what he was saying.

Eric pulls away and stands up, and just as Jack’s stomach drops, he turns towards him with a small smirk on his face. “I think we should leave.” 

***

Jack is the first to wake up, and as the sun filters in, he expects Eric’s place beside him to be empty. It’s not, though. His eyes are closed and he looks peaceful, and the sun that hits his blonde hair makes Eric Bittle look impossibly warm.

Jack waited for the wave of regret to hit him, but it never came. Especially when Eric’s eyes fluttered open and a small smile stretched across his face. “You look happy this morning.” 

Jack laughs a little. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Eric just yawns as he does a half-hearted shrug. “It wouldn’t be the first time I was promptly told to leave. I’m kind of used to it by now.”

That kind of ruins Jack’s mood, because Eric Bittle didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. He tells him as much, too.

“I know.” Eric smiles as his eyes roam over Jack’s bare chest and back up towards his face again. His eyes must catch something he doesn’t like, because now a frown is on Eric’s face. “Oh lord, I didn’t mean to do that.”

Jack isn’t aware what he’s even talking about until Eric reaches over and places two fingers on Jack’s neck. The pressure causes Jack to wince a little.

“You have concealer?” Eric gives him a playful look, and Jack can’t help but return the same look.

“No, but I’ll wear a scarf.” Jack jokes without realizing it.

Eric laughs at that, which mon dieu, is that a wonderful sound to hear first thing in the morning. He glances at the clock over Jack’s shoulder, and the joy is gone as his face fills with disappointment. “Ugh. I need to get to work in two hours.” He pauses, contemplating something, before he asks, “You want to join me in the shower?”

And that’s a “Yes.” without hesitation. In the shower, Jack felt a stinging pain on his back and discovered several scratch marks that broke his skin.

“Sorry.” Eric’s face was really red and Jack couldn’t help but laugh.

They get off one more time in the shower, even though Jack protests when Eric drops to his knees.

“That’s going to hurt later--”

And Eric had replied before Jack even finished speaking, “Shut up, Zimmermann.”

Eric waits at the door in the clothes he wore last night, and gives Jack a sad look. “I’m gonna miss you, Zimmermann.”

Jack feels his stomach drop. “Why? Are you moving or something?”

Eric raises an eyebrow as he places a soft hand on Jack’s cheek. “I was under the impression this was a one time thing.”

“No way.” Jack can’t help but laugh at Eric’s surprised expression. “I’ll text you.”

“But--” Eric frowns. “I don’t see you that often and you have your career and I’m certainly not worth a career like yours and technically you are my job which is unprofessional--”

Jack cuts off his rambling with a quick kiss, but Bittle deepens it anyway so they are making out for a full five minutes before Jack finishes his thought. “If you don’t want to, I’ll leave you alone--”

“Yeah, no chance I’m giving up this prime opportunity.” Eric’s smile is so bright, Jack can’t help but mirror it. “You better text me, Zimmermann.”

“Oh, I will.”

***

There will probably be a part 2 if ya’ll want one. Or if you wanna send me other jobs you wanna see Bitty with I’ll do that too lol

[ultimatecranston]

Lamenting and Responding (and More)

Haven't written much in while, but I am repurposing this email/letter I sent Saturday to folks in the Christian Political Response group that I started back in 2017. It's audience is intended to be Christians, but it's non-exclusive and reveals some of my thinking.

How to process what we’re seeing in Minneapolis and elsewhere:

·         Jonathan Walton and his Experiential Discipleship team at InterVarsity have put together a collection of foundational resources, including a Liturgy for the Lament of Racial Injustice and a document to help us process and respond to the murder of Ahmaud Arbery (sadly, tragically and infuriatingly, we’ve seen multiple more examples since).

·         New Life Fellowship Church in Queens is hosting a Grace & Race Webinar on Thursday, June 4, from 6-8p ET. You can register here.

·         Redeemer members and attenders may be interested in Redeemer’s Grace and Race Ministry’s statement on this subject here.

 Reflections: I haven’t done a lot of reflective writing recently due to work and school commitments (and some laziness), but I wanted to put some things down on paper, so feel free to read or not, but these are my own thoughts, ideas and opinions on topics related to faith and politics. These are a bit hodgepodge, so I apologize in advance.

Qualified immunity: If there is a legislative or judicial policy change that could come out of the continued evidence of police brutality (often race-based), then it might be a roll back on qualified immunity protections. Though this wouldn’t do the heart transformation of the gospel, it would change incentives in a way that could save lives and protect civil rights. Qualified immunity is judge-made law that provides legal privilege for certain types of government officials (including police officers), which often makes it very difficult for victims of civil rights abuses at the hands of these protected officials to receive justice.

You can find calls to end qualified immunity from publications as politically diverse at The New Republic and National Review and two very different Supreme Court justices – Sonia Sotomayor and Clarence Thomas – have expressed problems with this legal doctrine. The Supreme Court is considering 13 different cases that involved qualified immunity and could announce as early as Monday that it will take up one or more of the cases (9 of the 13 cases involve police violation of civil rights, often violently, some lethally). Let’s pray the Supreme Court grants cert for these cases and considers them in good faith.

Putting yourself in scripture: In the Ahmaud Arbery link from Jonathan Walton above is an activity where we write ourselves into scripture, for instance, through psalms of lament. Related, The Park Forum published a devotional yesterday (recalling another post from 2018) called “How to Read Prophetic Judgment.” In it, John Tillman notes that we like to be the subject of comforting prophecy, but we put others in the path of afflicting prophecy. From Isaiah 30:12-13:

 Because you have rejected this message,

relied on oppression

and depended on deceit,

this sin will become for you

like a high wall, cracked and bulging,

that collapses suddenly, in an instant.

 It’s easy to interpret this passage in our time as judgment on the United States, judgment for the nation’s original sins and the inability of its espoused tenants (often built on lies) to overcome the sin that dwells deeply within it (book plug for 12 Lies That Hold America Captive by Jonathan Walton). That all may be true, but I fail to be transformed by the gospel when I refuse to admit that that I am the “you” in that scripture, that I have rejected this message and that my sin is like a high wall, cracked and bulging, that collapses in an instant.

I pray that we make sincere efforts to not assume that it’s all the bad people who are “you” – that they’re the ones being judged. G.K. Chesterton once was said have responding to the question, “What’s wrong with the world?” with the answer “I am.” This is the sort of humility that our discourse needs right now, and Christians are uniquely situated to provide it, but we fail so often.

On hypocrisy: Speaking of failing to live up to our standards or possibilities, I want to put in a good word for hypocrisy. I am well aware that Jesus makes a point of calling out the hypocrisy of the Pharisees (see Matthew 23). The Pharisees were espousing one set of virtues and then intentionally using those espoused virtues as a cudgel to oppress the poor and profit at their expense. That kind of hypocrisy is definitely bad, and even the hypocrisy I’m about to describe is certainly not good, but let me explain.

A hypocrite is someone who proclaims moral virtues while living a life that doesn’t match those proclamations. By that standard, we are all hypocrites. As Christians – and as humans – we all have deeply held beliefs about what’s good and right, and we all daily fail to live up to those virtues. Max Scheler was both an ethicist and a womanizer, and, when questioned about this hypocrisy, he argued that “the sign that shows the way to Boston doesn’t have to go there in order to do something useful for the rest of us.”

Obviously, the calling for a Christian is higher than the calling for a German ethicist. It’s not just good enough to say what’s right and to point to Jesus as the ultimate fulfillment of virtue and truth. We are also called to testify to our changed lives and the power of the gospel to do so. I fear, though, in this age when “authenticity” is considered superior to righteousness, that we who are wrapped up in our culture are too fearful to proclaim gospel virtues because we can’t live up to them. But when we mix our proclamation of virtue in the public square (and with friends, family and co-workers) with a humble testimony of failure and sinfulness, we can start to transform our culture. We see this powerfully modeled by Paul in Romans 7, and he was never one to shrink from the public square.

On news, disruption and truth: In an age of instantaneous reactions and viral videos (some of which give a one-sided depiction of events intended to provoke and enflame), I encourage us (and myself especially) to eschew the 24-hour news cycle, particularly if you’re finding that news reports are not driving you to scripture and prayer. Sometimes I obsess over being informed but just end up anxious and, while being anxious, getting a very shallow perspective of reality via social media.

This summer, our small group is reading a book by Alan Noble called Disruptive Witness, “disruption” being having a double meaning in reference to our disrupted, distracted lives and also the way we need to witness disruptively due to the post-Christian culture that many of our secular friends grew up in and have been hardened by. Saying no to a culture of disruption by avoiding the social media-driven news cycle is one way to be counter-cultural and also to bring your household some peace and calm.

There is one new outlet that I think demonstrates how to cover politics and current events without forsaking depth or succumbing to the pull of click-bait content. It’s called The Dispatch, and for those of you looking for some dissonance in your news (without the bad faith of FOX News), the conservative Dispatch might be a good place for you to find news analysis and political/legal podcasts. It’s run by men and women of good faith in a world where there are plenty of trolls and bad-faith actors, and I think it’s important that we have outlets like this, even if your politics don’t align with it. For instance:

·         In his newsletters, David French gives a nuanced perspective on the complicated history of evangelicalism and abortion rights;

·         French debunks some of the legal fallacies that led far-right Twitter to say that Ahmaud Arbery was killed in self-defense;

·         In a podcast episode, foreign policy expert Thomas Joscelyn discusses U.S. foreign policy (especially in relation to China) with hosts Sarah Isgur and Steve Hayes.

Final words: If you made it this far, well, that’s surprising. I pray for safety for you and your family, for your transformation daily via the gospel and scripture, and I pray for our institutions – the family, the church, the government, the media, the academy and more – to be restored as formative places that seek the public good rather than self-serving platforms for personal aggrandizement. We’re very far from there. Lord help us!

[xofanfics]

Regret - Part 4

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 

Genre: angst, fluff, slight smut

Pairing: Johnny x Reader, Taeyong x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: *REQUESTED* You find out that your boyfriend has been cheating on you and you leave him. Almost a year later, he realizes that he hasn’t quite gotten over you and he tries to get you back.

The last person Johnny expected to see on his business trip was you. He hadn’t seen you in about a year. He hadn’t seen you, heard from you, or anything like that. He heard that you were doing well from one of your mutual friends, but that was all he knew.

When you realized that he was cheating on you, you looked so hurt. But he didn’t care at the time. He had no care in the world. He just knew that he was bored and frustrated with the relationship. When he brought Mi Rae to the apartment, he had no idea you’d be there trying to make him something to eat for dinner. He didn’t care that he hurt you. He didn’t care that you ran out in tears. If anything, he felt relieved once you were gone.

He expected you to come back, for your things, at least. But you never did. And you had blocked him on every form of social media so that he couldn’t even contact you. He could’ve gone to your apartment, he supposed. But that would be too dramatic. He didn’t want you back then, so why bother? Why make things more complicated than they needed to be?

Seeing you again sent a rush of memories through his brain. He remembered the first time you met, the first date, the cute things he did for you and you for him… He remembered the stupid fights you had, the big fights, the breakup. All of it. And he felt a pang of remorse in his gut. To be honest, he started missing you the past couple of months. He thought of you more often than he normally did. Was breaking up a mistake? Should he have tried, at least? Should he have attempted to stay with you and fix things? Did he give up too easily?

He realized quickly that Mi Rae wasn’t you. She was so much more arrogant and materialistic. She had helped him climb the corporate ladder in her family’s company, but there wasn’t much substance to her. She was a pretty face but she wasn’t you. Johnny started seeing her less and less. It wasn’t bitter and she wasn’t petty enough to try to get him fired or demoted; She had just started dating someone else and she told him. He was okay with it, at first. But being alone made him realize how much he missed you.

He stepped onto the elevator, trying to keep your composure. You hadn’t been in the same room as your ex-boyfriend in over a year. There was one time you saw him come into a cafe you were in around the time you first broke up. You remembered that and you ducked out and hid in the bathroom for twenty minutes until you were sure he was gone. But you couldn’t do that now. Unlike before, you didn’t have the urge to do something like that right now. You were okay with seeing him, as you should be.

“It’s been a while, right?” he said, standing next to you.

“Yeah.”

The elevator doors closed. “Are you here for business?”

“Not exactly. Just visiting.”

“Have you eaten?” he asked. “I was going to get breakfast in the restaurant downstairs…”

“I’m actually going to go for a walk. Thank you for the invitation, though.”

The elevator doors opened, letting you out in the lobby. Johnny exited the elevator, still at your side. “Can we talk, at least? I can walk with you. My meeting isn’t until later.”

You sighed. “Okay, fine.” You were curious. Did he have something to say to you, after all this time? Was he going to apologize for breaking your heart and not caring? Was he going to apologize for cheating on you? You couldn’t help but be curious, so you let him follow you outside.

The weather was nice. It was a little windy, the breeze from the ocean sweeping through the coast. The wind whirled around your loose strands of hair. You could smell the saltwater from where you stood. Johnny followed you in silence as you made your way toward the walkway closest to the ocean.

“So how have you been?” he asked.

You wanted to say, “Now you care?” But you decided against it, deciding that you didn’t want this simple interaction to turn into an argument. Instead, you said, “I’ve been doing great. What about you?”

He nodded. “I’m doing pretty good. I got a promotion. I’m a director now.”

You smiled, taking small, slow steps. “Sounds good…”

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently…” You raised your eyebrows as you felt his gaze on you. “I regret everything that happened between us.”

“Why?”

He stopped you, putting his arm out in front of you. “Why? What makes you ask that?”

You looked up at him, making sure to look into his eyes this time. Johnny had never been a liar. Sure, he avoided your questions in the past and lead you on for months, but he wasn’t the type to lie straight to your face. “Because you didn’t care back then…”

He looked taken aback when you said that. You didn’t blame him. “You’re right.” You didn’t expect him to say that either. “I took you for granted and I hurt you. I’m sorry, Y/N. Truly.”

“It’s fine…” There was nothing that could be done about it at this point. Your relationship with him was a thing of the past. It didn’t matter anymore. You thought that you wanted closure before but you realized that it wasn’t necessary. In the end, you were able to move on and find someone else to love without closure from Johnny.

“It’s not fine,” he continued. “I fucked up. I know I did. What I did to you was unacceptable. It wasn’t worth it. You were right. I should’ve tried harder but I didn’t. I chose the easy way out and it didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would…”

“So what’s the point of you telling me this over a year later?”

“I just needed to. I didn’t know how to approach you before. I know I could’ve just come to your apartment or called you from another phone but I didn’t. Then more and more time passed and I didn’t know if it was too late to tell you these things or not. Basically, it was stupid of me to let you go so easily…and I’m sorry. I know nothing that I say can make it better and you don’t have to forgive me. I just want to start over and—”

Johnny’s speech was interrupted by the sound of Taeyong’s voice. “Y/N?” He jogged over to you, glancing at Johnny for a second. They made eye contact, leaving Johnny confused. Taeyong wasn’t the type to become easily jealous unless he had a reason to be. He kissed you on the cheek. “You decided to go for a walk?”

You nodded. “Yeah. This is Johnny. I ran into him on the elevator.”

Johnny stuck out his hand to shake Taeyong’s. “Nice to meet you.”

Taeyong smiled. “Likewise.” Then he turned to you and said, “I’m gonna go upstairs and shower, okay?”

You nodded. “I’ll be up soon…”

And with that, he walked away, leaving you with Johnny. You watched him as he walked away before looking at Johnny again. He was staring at you, the hurt evident in his brown eyes. Had he expected you to be so hurt over him that you’d stay still doing nothing? Had he expected you to be so hurt that you couldn’t move on?

“You’re…with someone?” he asked, looking down at his feet. He should’ve expected you to move on by now. It had been over a year, after all. But it still hurt. He had wanted to talk to you to work on things with you. It wasn’t a guarantee that you would accept him but it was worth a shot. It was better than sitting in bed those nights he couldn’t sleep wondering what you were doing or how you’ve been. Now that he was standing in front of you, it was the perfect opportunity to try, even if you rejected him.

You nodded. “I am.”

“How long has it been?” he asked, finally looking up again.

“It’s been about a year.”

You had moved on almost immediately, he realized. Did she really love him or was he just a distraction from the person that broke her heart back then? Maybe it was stupid of him to have those kinds of thoughts. The world didn’t revolve around him. You were independent enough to move on. You didn’t need him. He couldn’t blame you for moving on to someone else at this point. He wondered if you were happy? If you were in love? If you thought about him sometimes?

Johnny nodded. You thought that he might cry or something, from his looks. “Are you happy, at least?”

You said, “I am.”

Then you held up your hand, revealing your engagement ring. You had kept quiet until now but you thought that you should let him know. Whatever had happened in the past between you was over. You and Johnny were over. You loved Johnny back then and he broke your heart. If you had run into Johnny a month or two after your breakup, you might’ve broken up with Taeyong and went back to him.

But you were past that. You had gotten over your ex-boyfriend and you finally allowed yourself to be happy. Taeyong helped you out of the dark place that you’d been in after you left Johnny. He helped you find your self-worth and confidence again after they’d hit an all time low. He made you happy and he never made you feel worthless, as Johnny had. He treated you well and promised not to hurt you intentionally. And he hadn’t. And you didn’t think he would.

“I-I’m sorry I said anything,” he said, taking a step back. “I didn’t know.”

Everything was over. Engagement meant that he didn’t have a chance. If you were simply dating someone, maybe he’d have a chance if you broke up. But engagement meant a stronger bond. You’d decided to take another step with another man. That meant that things must’ve been serious. He could tell that you loved him by the way you watched him as he walked away, back toward the hotel.

“I’m sorry, Johnny,” you said. You felt tears full of emotions building up in your eyes. You hadn’t felt emotional until now. The tears weren’t coming because you loved him or because you wanted to get back together with him. The tears were from what could’ve been had he not broken your heart in the way that he had.

“I am, too…”

“If you had come to me sooner maybe we wouldn’t have ended up like this…”

He sighed. “I know…Everything is my fault. You were trying your best to keep me happy and I was the one to throw you away in the end.”

You wiped your tears. “It’s too late now.”

“Can I ask you something?”

You nodded.

“If I had come to you a month later, apologizing, would you have taken me back?”

You said, “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because I loved you.”

Loved, he thought. Your feelings for him had gone out of the window. He broke your heart when you realized what was going on with Mi Rae. He ruined you and pushed you into the arms of another man. Yet he was upset even though the fault was no one’s but his own. He still had feelings for you, feelings that were unresolved, feelings that he’d pushed to the back of his heart.

“I have to go,” you said.

Of course you had to go. You were engaged to the man he’d just greeted a few moments ago. You were engaged and happy and soon you’d forget about him. You’d be married soon and have children someday. You’d be sharing those memories with someone that wasn’t him. Everything was his fault.

“I’ll see you around,” you said.

Johnny didn’t say a word. He nodded instead, his eyes burning with the tears he struggled to hold back. He just watched you as you walked away from him. You looked back at him, just once. He gave a wave. From where he was, you didn’t know that he was crying. You had no idea how much he regretted how he’d acted back then. He let things end with you for a temporary feeling of relief. There was so much regret, heavy on his heart. You were no longer his and you never would be.

[missyordiway]

Taking Care of Yourself-Top 10 Fundamentals Handbook

This article was originally published on missyordiway.com. Follow Missy Ordiway to learn how to Achieve Your Greatness in life.

When you grow up and you realize all the things that consist of taking care of yourself, it’s understandable why we don’t follow through.

The truth behind the matter is it shouldn’t be a chore to do the things that we need to do. We have the knowledge, and for some reason, the adults in us just don’t want to adult.

We make things so damn difficult that whatever you face, you are challenged.

Life doesn’t have to be that way.

What if the challenge starts with your thinking and beliefs?

Open your mind, pretend you don’t know anything and let this inspire you so that that it is a no brainer to do the things included.

TRUST THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

1. Don’t take on too much.

These days it’s like we show up to the buffet and want to eat all the food for our entire lifetime in one meal.

On top of that, we have such a deficit to attention and what to focus that attention on.

Then when the next thing comes up it takes our attention away, and we work diligently to get back to our original task.  That’s way too much work!

We want to be able to do all the things we need to do, all the things we want to do and then everyone else’s to do’s also.

We need to learn to say no and not feel guilty about it. We can’t do it all and that’s ok.

Trust me when I say, someone else will be there to take on the task you said no to and people will still like you afterwards.

2. Slow Down.

I believe in an inside out reality, which means the things that you think and believe create the way you envision the world.

Therefore, when we look at the chores, the work, the kids, the relationships and then try to fit ourselves in, it’s too overwhelming. Then we quit before we ever get to us.

These are our thoughts bogging us down with negativity about our circumstances.

If you treat time with scarcity then you will never have enough, the same goes for money. Just saying.

There will be time for everything you need to do. If you let your brain get you in a tizzy about it all, then you will be of no use to yourself or anyone else.

3. Listen to your intuition.

We all need a break sometimes.

When you have a ton to do and your intuition is telling you now is not the time, listen up!

What has happened for so long is that we have decided to ignore our intuition and be human doers. We need to listen to our inner beings.

This makes a huge difference in the way we show up in this world for ourselves and others.

When we are in tune with our intuition we create a space where there isn’t resentment or resistance to our circumstance.

This is one of the best ways I can teach you to take care of yourself and as a result this makes for a much happier you. Sounds nice, right? Give it a shot.

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR RESULTS

In life, we are so used to making judgments on everything and everyone, including ourselves.

Who told you it was bad or wrong to fail?

The failures I have had in life have taught me many lessons, about myself, such as;

I continue my efforts even when I don’t achieve the results I want because I am committed to the outcome.

When you commit to your outcome assessing along the way, your result changes and so does your course of action.

See how the following can help you be open to the possibilities and opportunities that life presents you.

4. Have a direction to focus in.

Without a clear direction, there cannot be a destination you will reach.

Most people want to figure out the plan; the what, when, where, why and how they will get there.

We cannot predict the outcome. No matter how much we plan.

When we get attached to “The Plan”, we cause unnecessary suffering on the journey.

When you know what you want and start in that direction without a plan, you won’t believe the possibilities.

They will be limitless because you aren’t attached to things looking a certain way.

Assess each action by looking at the outcome derived from the action.

Ask questions- Is this working? If not, what can I do differently? Even assess your own actions.

Assessment doesn’t say what is good/bad or right/wrong, only what’s work/not working.

5. Set your Priorities.

Get organized by setting your priorities and then set your schedule.

You need to prioritize what needs to be done first.

How many times have you had a to-do list and wasted time doing the unnecessary items?

If we don’t prioritize then time slips away, and we cause stress on ourselves that could have been avoided.

If you have the leisure where nothing needs to be done first, then trust your instincts and do what you are led to do first.

Regardless, things will always work out for you and having less stress will make your life so much more enjoyable.

6. Minimize your distractions.

Make sure that when you begin taking action you create a space to avoid distractions while you accomplish your tasks.

We tend to let disruptions occur. Those disruptions usually come in the form of other people’s urgent wants to have their needs met.

There is a sense of urgency in the world to get things done.

You can get interrupted by people, social media, email, phones and a million other things if you don’t minimize the distractions.

Think of our amazing rescue workers and how focused they need to be. I’m sure you can guess why. Lives are at stake!

Your time matters, and lives may not be at stake nevertheless your time is valuable.

Treat it as such by minimizing your interruptions.

STRENGTHEN YOUR SPIRIT

You work out your body, you learn to feed your mind and what are you doing to strengthen your spirit?

I can almost bet there is a nagging inside of you that you are ignoring so very well. And it’s begging you to enhance your inner disposition.

We all have that internal calling and most of the time, we just don’t listen.

Our ego takes over and talks us into doing the same stuff to keep us safe and in our comfort zone.

Your ego also likes to be right about all the lies we tell ourselves, so let’s just shut that voice up.

If you want to find out how, read on.

7. Improve Connections.

We all live for connection.

Some of us tell ourselves that no one cares, then recoil into depression and shut out everyone who really does care.

Connection is essential to our existence.

Believe it or not, we can never be disconnected, our thoughts would tell us otherwise.

Taking care of yourself consists of staying involved with other people, especially when you don’t want to.

People in our lives support us in our breakdowns and in helping to redirect us when we feel lost.

They help us get out of our heads when we are in our crap and lift us up when we are playing small.

We have so much to give to one another in connection; and yet, we still prefer to believe we are alone, that no one “gets” us and that we must do everything all alone.

Sharing your pain with others usually will lead to a “Me too” ending where a connection becomes stronger.

I also have found that the best way to get out of my shit is to help someone else get out of theirs.

The lesson in whatever message you deliver is meant for you just as much as it is for them.

8. Meditate.

Yes, I’m saying it because you already know, and I am just as guilty.

I don’t take the time to meditate as much as I should.

There’s no wrong way to do it, just find the space between your thoughts.

Meditation doesn’t necessarily mean sitting in a corner chanting “Ohm.”

It can mean running, swimming, hiking, biking and even driving.

We put so much thought and meaning into whether we are doing it right and how to do it, that we never do it.

That makes a lot of noise and work in our head.

When you learn to find the space between your thoughts you will be in the quietest place you will find on this planet. Of course, some of you lucky ones are already blessed with knowing how. So why should you meditate?

When you quiet your mind, you make room for insight. Sight from within.

Your insight will always guide you with limitless possibilities, no plan to get attached to and only the next logical step.

9. Do What You Enjoy.

This is completely up to you.

For some people it’s eating well and exercise, for others it’s an ice cream cone and a cuddle on the couch.

We all know how to treat our bodies and what is important for the longevity, survival and well being of our physical forms.

So why aren’t we doing it?

Instant gratification is at our fingertips.

In this millennium, we can have more surgery, take more pills and have more convenient access to crap food then we have time to do the work, plan and fit time in for ourselves.

We have so much pain from our thoughts around doing the things that we know are in our best interest.

When it’s only a decision to get up 20 minutes earlier, purchase healthier foods and snacks, just do whatever it takes to get stuff done.

We don’t enjoy not accomplishing what we said we would and that’s mostly what we end up doing.

There’s nothing wrong with that; and, when you come from a place of commitment, you will always keep your word, even if that means being on time to something that is not trivial.

So just stop committing to things you don’t want to do, it doesn’t make you happy and it makes no sense to make yourself suffer intentionally.

10. Let it go.

We talk a lot about the circumstances that we have had to endure in life and we put a lot of guilt and shame on ourselves for things we can’t change.

That’s heavy energy.

I don’t know what your story is and I’m certain there is pain in your history.

However, what holds us in an unfit or diseased state in our physical form is the inability to accept ourselves for who we are and not beat ourselves up about it.

Letting something go implies an action to the process.

Movement is key because it frees up the trapped energy inside of you. Emotion is energy in motion.

Energy that was meant to flow through you.

In some situation, you were resistant to whatever was at the current moment, rather than being the conductor or the space for the energy to move.

Dance, exercise, walk, swim, run or shake it off.

That energy is weighing you down.

It’s a weight that you have been carrying for all your years on this earth.

Don’t drag into the future what deserves to stay in the past.

Most of what I’ve written are things you already know; I ask you to pretend you didn’t know so that you would see something new.

If you aren’t willing to look at your daily practices of taking care of yourself then life will never change.

Life can be just as easy as we’ve discussed here, I encourage you to start with looking at how much you are doing.

Begin to eliminate things of less importance so you aren’t doing so much.

When life gets tough, as it sometimes will, reach out to me for coaching or purchase my Phoenix Program Workbook, either will start you on the path to achieve the greatness within you. Helping others recognize their greatness is my specialty.

[theblognoonewillread-blog1]

Preface

It’s been a hard year for a lot of people. The current administration has been full of fraud, ill will, open bigotry, and more. That has weighed down on my mind, as it has with many others. But in my case, I already had a fairly full dance card in terms of personal issues that can exarcebate the clinical depression I was diagnosed with decades ago.

I do not fit the profile of the average American today, at least according to social media. I’m in my 50’s, I am a man of color, I’m gay, and I’m single. I am also currently unemployed and do not have a permanent dwelling thanks to Hurricane Harvey, which has complicated the matter – no job, no proof of income, how does one get a place without having to turn to horror-style properties on Craigslist?

I am also not “hot”, not “uneducated” (a four-year degree seems to be of little use to all but the most business-driven in America now), not carrying rippling abs or sporting a huge member, the lack of reputation meaning getting it on with anyone is practically impossible.

For some time I have had a hard time finding my “tribe” - that group of people, that community, with which one should be practically inseparable because they’re so alike, so together, so similar in energy. I’m a Midwesterner who relocated to the Gulf Coast over 30 years ago – for work, of course. For maybe 6 or 7 years I had a sort of built-in community but it was never a completely square fit. Then I found a gay-friendly community in town but ran into a variety of issues there also. Gay America has many of the same problems straight America has – just a matter of degrees.

So, the complicated nature of my things not working out left me, this holiday, with no invites to dinner, no home to go to, and – even more annoying – no permanent place to call home. For over four months now, an extended-stay hotel has been my “apartment.” The morning light comes in too early, and I often hear the roar of a highway nearby. It is a utilitarian place, not a personal one.

As an alternative to sleeping in the entire day – a depressing prospect unto itself – I decided to drive to a casino one state over and enjoy their sumptuous buffet. The annoying thing was, thousands of other people had the exact same idea. It made the casino aisles crowded with people aimlessly drifiting about, walll-eyed and (in some cases) predictably tipsy. It occurred to me that casinos have become a sort of adult day-care center. A younger adult child can drop his aging mother or father at the door, then drive off while the parent drifts around, entertaining himself/herself with the prospect of getting rich, or at least the occasion thrill of hitting a win on the slots.

So here I was, sitting among them, practically speaking with nothing in common with them except our need to distract ourselves. My distraction had a purpose – to get through the day, to survive it. When contacts on social media said they hoped I was having a great day I left it open, silence. I didn’t want to risk disapproval by telling them the truth. Miss Manners might say that not “dumping” on friends is good social policy for holidays, but I have to wonder if she’s ever had bouts of depression or loneliness.

Coincidence and, perhaps, universal cruelty – as I was typing this I heard Gloria Lynne singing a song I’d not heard. I used SoundHound to identify it - “All Alone.” Thanks, universe.

There is a fine line in America between letting others know what downers are going on in your life and being labeled a “drama queen.” I feel perpetually like I have to do a Herculean editing act on what I say to (as I thought earlier today) present my situation in a palatable fashion so as not to send others running. The problem is that in doing that, I don’t get the benefit of just dumping it all out there, of letting raw emotion drive how I communicate. I resent having to edit what I say. And it’s worse on social media like Facebook – when I admit I’m not having a good time I get crickets. One guy who asked about my job situation today, when I looked at our message feed, I realized we hadn’t spoken in two months. I sent a quick holiday greeting and got one back. I can only imagine he’s tired of bad news so maybe I’ll do what I’ve done with so many others in recent years – add him to my Restricted List: we have a connection in form only, but little else. On such a list, no one sees my warts – they see the edited “media feed” to entertain.

It has been said that depression is the fastest growing disease in America today. I can absolutely see why – no one feels like they’re being heard. No one feels anyone gets them in the workplace, in dating, in their communities, in their families, anything. And the authority and moral leaders we used to have, they’re all on the take in various ways so no one is there to do anything for us when we hurt.

This situation, of course, is worse for folks like me – older, black and middle-aged are three whammies today’s society can’t relate to. It’s never happened that anyone has ever asked me point-blank, “Why don’t you go to a coffee house with people your own age?” That’s because no one has opened such a place. Not many businesses market to the middle-aged, it’s assumed we’re washed up, don’t spend any money and are set in our ways. And we’re not sexy – so no one presumably wants to look at us. I think a coffee place where anyone over 35 was made not just to feel tolerated, but appreciated. Right now, the closest we have to that is either Starbucks or the bars – nothing in between.

I’d love a middle-aged friendly place. I wouldn’t want it to be exclusively that age group, I like diversity, just be interesting is all I ask. Boring people come in all ages, classes, education levels.

I am a bit of a complicated person. Those complications are part of why I think I have largely been a social misfit. I don’t act like anyone else (less superficial). I don’t carry myself the same way as others. The whole migration to typing messages rather than actually talking is part of my depression – a female friend of mine I’ve known for years, we don’t even really talk on the phone! I don’t like this! Years ago a guy I worked with, he and I used to talk on the phone and get together once a week to watch TV at his apartment. We did that for YEARS. He was the first guy I came out to.

Since then I have had “relationship” (I guess you could call it) fall apart for a variety of reasons. One guy is a bad listener. Another has no time (too “busy”) - that is almost always the kiss-off. It gets worse when it comes to business or getting a job hookup – I know NOBODY. Guys I worked with at previous jobs? No support. Not the way it happens for others. It has occurred to me that for the 30-plus years I spent in my last city, only TWICE did anyone else ever offer to walk a resume in. The results both cases were nil, but at least I had that. The irony of that is that I work in the information technology industry – I’m supposed to be connected to other smart people. Sadly, the industry has become commoditized so everyone’s disposable. Even my colleagues at a consulting place I used to work for, I have nearly zero contact with – that should have been gold.

About the name of this blog: I chose it because I have the idea that the average American right now, and the younger, the more pertinent this is, feels entitled to be happy. They don’t want to hear about anyone else’s issues, they don’t want to learn to be a part of a larger whole like a multi-aged community or coalition – they want their gaming systems, their movie and TV services, and they want their social media. And that is ALL. I really wish I could be around in 30 years to see where many of these folks are at – whether the depression we have now is worse then because that generation never bothered to learn from others, because they chose to separate themselves.

I met a guy at an art show several months ago. Showed him my business card and he made some comment about how millennials are supposed to be more open-minded and carefree. Then he did a sprint away from me, figuratively, that would have made Carl Lewis jealous. Tried to contact him on social media and got partially blocked. That was enough for me to drop it at that point.

The people I wish would read this blog almost certainly won’t. They’re too “busy”, too “distracted”, too “happy.” Perhaps some of my resentment is little other than envy. Maybe I’m seeing something that isn’t real, that isn’t there. But it’s so … uneven. So that is why, in my tag line, I say that if you’re already happy, this blog is not for you. This is for the rest of us who you studiously avoid being involved with because you feel our adversity would contaminate your life and lifestyle.

I may not post here often, and I actually tried doing a blog like this years ago. Maybe someone out there will see himself in this blog. I wish I had a positive message to share but right now, I don’t.

One of my big resentments right now is with the so-called universe. I jokingly have said that because there’s only one universe, it doesn’t have any competition and – like any monopoly – can afford to be sloppy. That is not a completely original idea; I actually stole it from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon when he was telling his father about Santa Claus – not entirely unrelated.

I have found myself in recent years railing against the universe, feeling that it is – intentionally (it seems) – withholding good things from me. Why, for example, am I in one of the ten largest cities in the U.S. but not getting “run into” smart people, connected people, whatever? I would be disgusted to find out IT thinks the problem is entirely mine. Really? A group of people take a 400-year headstart and you can’t make any corrections for that down the line? We have to wait centuries for social justice to come? How powerful are you?

And then – as we’re repeatedly told ad nauseam – we’re not the center of the universe, so much so that the message is almost, “Don’t want anything, ever.” Were human nature based exclusively on Buddhism with its concept of detachment it might have something there. But right now? Not so much.

I am not asking to be the “center” of the universe. I am just wanting to be the center of a tribe – to be  connected, celebrated, loved. It is sorely lacking and between my emotional depression and my inability to earn money, it is costing me a FORTUNE.

By the way – if you’re a fundamentalist or an evangelical, TUNE OUT. Way too many of you folks could have changed the result of the last election but you didn’t. You harp on the same issues over and over – sexual minorities, racial minorities, all you’re about is separatism and punishment. I daresay if Christ returned to earth you’d run him in as a Middle-Easternerner and bitch about him on AM talk radio.

That is it for the moment. This is an experiment. If it doesn’t work I could wind up living on the streets – that is, if I can’t get all my ducks in a row and the universe doesn’t give a shit.

Stay tuned.

[trendingnewsb]

You Have to Crave Real Alone Time to Be Smarter

Lots of research has pointed at the notion that people who socialize more tend to be much happier. But this doesn’t apply to everyone. One factor where socializing more doesn’t equal more happiness is intelligence. People who are highly intelligent become less happy the more they socialize because it’s thought smart people adapt more easily to the modern world. In other words, they understand that our primal need to keep close contact with a social group for food and shelter is no longer applicable in modern society.

In fact, the more intelligent someone is, the more they tend to focus on long term goals instead of short-term gratification. Socialising, therefore, doesn’t hold as much value as working towards their goals.

You’re Not Alone in Embracing Your Alone Time

If you’re reading this thinking how much you love your alone time and proud that you carve out time for yourself on a regular basis, you’re one of many. One survey found 85% of adults believe alone time is important to them [1].

While the increasingly popular concept of mindfulness encourages us to connect with ourselves, the importance of alone time is becoming a necessary part of our lives. But do you we really use this time to our advantage? Do we really spend this valuable alone time “alone”?

How We’re Spending Alone Time in the Wrong Way

Being physically alone in a room is one thing, but if you don’t utilise this time in a way that you’re free from social stimulation, you’re not getting the true benefits.

With modern times comes digital distractions. Having time by yourself means you can enjoy doing the things that relax you but these days that can mean idly jumping on your phone or computer. Replying to texts and messages and browsing Facebook is providing the danger of becoming less relaxed and satisfied with the benefits that alone time can create in your life.

Our idea of alone time needs to be defined as distancing ourselves physically and digitally from the world. In fact, when we’re mindlessly browsing social media or watching television, our brain is actually shifting into a state where it starts to crave social interaction with others [2]. This obviously counteracts the very reasons why you need alone time in the first place.

Why FOMO is the Death of Your Alone Time

FOMO or the Fear of Missing Out is a phenomenon all social media users have experienced at one time or another.

It’s that needy, anxious feeling you get when you haven’t checked Facebook or Twitter – that fear that there’s stuff out there that you’re missing out on and leads you to check just one more time to see what’s new.

But what we’re essentially checking are things that don’t matter or add value to our lives. It may evoke that sense of security that we’re up to date on what’s going on, to be able to talk about the latest goings on with our peers but it’s creating a greater insecurity in the long run.

Social media has the ability to have a huge negative effect on us. It creates a sense of competitiveness and comparison that affects the mentality we have of ourselves. It takes away those precious moments where we could be doing more productive tasks that actually go towards our personal growth and well-being.

How To Lessen Distractions

The key to this is lessening time spent on social media or watching TV rather than cutting it out altogether and there are ways to help you do this.

One is an online app called StayFocusd for Chrome users. Select the websites that you consider your biggest time wasters and set a time limit. Once this time has run out, Chrome will block you from using it giving you no choice but to focus on better things.

Another app is Forest where your seed will gradually grow into a tree. The idea here is if you move away from the app, your tree is in danger of withering away – encouraging you to stop the habit of using your usual distracting apps.

Practical Activities To Get More Out of Your Alone Time

The time you spend alone is a great opportunity to increase your well-being and promote positivity within yourself. Whether you have 15 minutes or several hours, there are certain activities that can help cultivate personal growth.

Self-Reflection: ask yourself a lot of questions

Self-reflection is something we tend to overlook. By not going through the process of deliberately self-reflecting on our thoughts and actions, we risk missing the opportunity to find growth and likely end up stuck in the same patterns.

Review regularly how you spend your day, week or month

Ask yourself what could you do differently to create challenges or create more happiness

How can you change your current perspectives?

Ask yourself: am I living my best life? If not, what small or big changes could I consider making?

Questioning yourself can sometimes feel uncomfortable but it’s this resistance that is showing you there are answers you may need to face in order to create a better life or grow positively as a person.

Journalling: free your mind

There’s a lot of power in writing things down and can be extremely therapeutic for the mind. When something is troubling you, writing it down can help clear it out and relax your mind. To do this, first write down your worries and feelings and then step back and contemplate them. Ask yourself if they’re really valid and question why you’re having these feelings.

The beauty of this process is finding time to intentionally stop and listen to your inner thoughts and feelings, taking time out in order to stop overlooking them and allowing them to grow bigger. Always remember this rule: when it comes to unhappiness, the more you write it down, the less you’ll remember it.

Meditation: learn how not to think

While meditation is a wonderful tool for relaxing, it has many other benefits too. Research has found it has positive effects on our health including lowering blood pressure, increasing positive mental attitude, improving focus, memory and boosting creativity.

And you don’t have to sit for hours on end to get these benefits. Just 5 minutes out of your day to sit quietly and focus on your breath will be enough to see an improvement and reap the rewards.

Watch Movies or Read Books That Change Your Perspective

Reading is a popular alone-time activity as is streaming your favourite movie. But consider reaching for a book or film that will change the way you view something.

Escapism is great every now and then, but in this busy world our time can be precious and using this time to change our mindsets and perspectives can be exponential for our growth and understanding.

The benefit of spending time alone is being able to make choices without others’ influences. As humans, we tend to allow our egos to be persuaded by outside opinions instead of changing beliefs ourselves. By being solitary, we can help avoid this and discover our own ideas and challenge existing perspectives. A good way of doing this is through reading different books and watching movies that challenge our ideas about the world.

Our alone time can be extremely beneficial to us if we use it in the right way. Make the time for yourself as quality-focused and growth-oriented as possible. After a while you’ll start to see and feel the positive effects.

Reference

[1]^Pew Research Center: Americans’ Views About Data Collection and Security[2]^Forbes: When You Think Your Brain Is Doing Nothing, It’s Really Getting You Ready To Socialize

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[trendingnewsb]

You Have to Crave Real Alone Time to Be Smarter

Lots of research has pointed at the notion that people who socialize more tend to be much happier. But this doesn’t apply to everyone. One factor where socializing more doesn’t equal more happiness is intelligence. People who are highly intelligent become less happy the more they socialize because it’s thought smart people adapt more easily to the modern world. In other words, they understand that our primal need to keep close contact with a social group for food and shelter is no longer applicable in modern society.

In fact, the more intelligent someone is, the more they tend to focus on long term goals instead of short-term gratification. Socialising, therefore, doesn’t hold as much value as working towards their goals.

You’re Not Alone in Embracing Your Alone Time

If you’re reading this thinking how much you love your alone time and proud that you carve out time for yourself on a regular basis, you’re one of many. One survey found 85% of adults believe alone time is important to them [1].

While the increasingly popular concept of mindfulness encourages us to connect with ourselves, the importance of alone time is becoming a necessary part of our lives. But do you we really use this time to our advantage? Do we really spend this valuable alone time “alone”?

How We’re Spending Alone Time in the Wrong Way

Being physically alone in a room is one thing, but if you don’t utilise this time in a way that you’re free from social stimulation, you’re not getting the true benefits.

With modern times comes digital distractions. Having time by yourself means you can enjoy doing the things that relax you but these days that can mean idly jumping on your phone or computer. Replying to texts and messages and browsing Facebook is providing the danger of becoming less relaxed and satisfied with the benefits that alone time can create in your life.

Our idea of alone time needs to be defined as distancing ourselves physically and digitally from the world. In fact, when we’re mindlessly browsing social media or watching television, our brain is actually shifting into a state where it starts to crave social interaction with others [2]. This obviously counteracts the very reasons why you need alone time in the first place.

Why FOMO is the Death of Your Alone Time

FOMO or the Fear of Missing Out is a phenomenon all social media users have experienced at one time or another.

It’s that needy, anxious feeling you get when you haven’t checked Facebook or Twitter – that fear that there’s stuff out there that you’re missing out on and leads you to check just one more time to see what’s new.

But what we’re essentially checking are things that don’t matter or add value to our lives. It may evoke that sense of security that we’re up to date on what’s going on, to be able to talk about the latest goings on with our peers but it’s creating a greater insecurity in the long run.

Social media has the ability to have a huge negative effect on us. It creates a sense of competitiveness and comparison that affects the mentality we have of ourselves. It takes away those precious moments where we could be doing more productive tasks that actually go towards our personal growth and well-being.

How To Lessen Distractions

The key to this is lessening time spent on social media or watching TV rather than cutting it out altogether and there are ways to help you do this.

One is an online app called StayFocusd for Chrome users. Select the websites that you consider your biggest time wasters and set a time limit. Once this time has run out, Chrome will block you from using it giving you no choice but to focus on better things.

Another app is Forest where your seed will gradually grow into a tree. The idea here is if you move away from the app, your tree is in danger of withering away – encouraging you to stop the habit of using your usual distracting apps.

Practical Activities To Get More Out of Your Alone Time

The time you spend alone is a great opportunity to increase your well-being and promote positivity within yourself. Whether you have 15 minutes or several hours, there are certain activities that can help cultivate personal growth.

Self-Reflection: ask yourself a lot of questions

Self-reflection is something we tend to overlook. By not going through the process of deliberately self-reflecting on our thoughts and actions, we risk missing the opportunity to find growth and likely end up stuck in the same patterns.

Review regularly how you spend your day, week or month

Ask yourself what could you do differently to create challenges or create more happiness

How can you change your current perspectives?

Ask yourself: am I living my best life? If not, what small or big changes could I consider making?

Questioning yourself can sometimes feel uncomfortable but it’s this resistance that is showing you there are answers you may need to face in order to create a better life or grow positively as a person.

Journalling: free your mind

There’s a lot of power in writing things down and can be extremely therapeutic for the mind. When something is troubling you, writing it down can help clear it out and relax your mind. To do this, first write down your worries and feelings and then step back and contemplate them. Ask yourself if they’re really valid and question why you’re having these feelings.

The beauty of this process is finding time to intentionally stop and listen to your inner thoughts and feelings, taking time out in order to stop overlooking them and allowing them to grow bigger. Always remember this rule: when it comes to unhappiness, the more you write it down, the less you’ll remember it.

Meditation: learn how not to think

While meditation is a wonderful tool for relaxing, it has many other benefits too. Research has found it has positive effects on our health including lowering blood pressure, increasing positive mental attitude, improving focus, memory and boosting creativity.

And you don’t have to sit for hours on end to get these benefits. Just 5 minutes out of your day to sit quietly and focus on your breath will be enough to see an improvement and reap the rewards.

Watch Movies or Read Books That Change Your Perspective

Reading is a popular alone-time activity as is streaming your favourite movie. But consider reaching for a book or film that will change the way you view something.

Escapism is great every now and then, but in this busy world our time can be precious and using this time to change our mindsets and perspectives can be exponential for our growth and understanding.

The benefit of spending time alone is being able to make choices without others’ influences. As humans, we tend to allow our egos to be persuaded by outside opinions instead of changing beliefs ourselves. By being solitary, we can help avoid this and discover our own ideas and challenge existing perspectives. A good way of doing this is through reading different books and watching movies that challenge our ideas about the world.

Our alone time can be extremely beneficial to us if we use it in the right way. Make the time for yourself as quality-focused and growth-oriented as possible. After a while you’ll start to see and feel the positive effects.

Reference

[1]^Pew Research Center: Americans’ Views About Data Collection and Security[2]^Forbes: When You Think Your Brain Is Doing Nothing, It’s Really Getting You Ready To Socialize

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