#I just loved the idea that talking elmo was horrifying unto itself

[cleolinda]

Babysitting instructions

I just remembered a Spooky Season-themed piece I wrote for The Toast, uh, ten years ago. Hopefully it's okay if I repost/archive it here. On the site itself, it was stylized as an image with a handwriting font to look like an actual written note, if you want to see that; I had imagined it as something typed and signed. The working title was "Don't Worry, Julie."

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Julie --

Thanks so much for watching little Lucy for us! Her big brother is sleeping over at a friend's house, so you won't have to worry about him! :)

I'm leaving the key to the attic on the kitchen table in case you need it, but I'm sure you won't. The noise up there is just the bats that sometimes get in--they won't bother you! There's no reason for you to go up there at all. 

And don't go into the master bedroom--I don't want you to see how messy we are! Who knows what kind of dust bunnies are under the bed!! Definitely do not look under there. Oh, and there's a leak in the master bath, so if you see water dripping through the ceiling in the den, don't worry about that. I know it kind of looks like blood, but it's just rust from the pipes. Sometimes it runs down the walls, too! It's so funny how freaked out people get about that! I mean, what makes more sense--voices moaning in the walls, or just the pipes groaning? I know you're a lot more level-headed than that. 

I trust you, so it goes without saying not to have any friends over while we're gone--I know you wouldn't! (You don't have a boyfriend, do you? Ever?) We've got a great home theater setup so you'll have plenty of scaaaary movies to watch! It needs to be just you there. Just you. 

Sometimes the power goes out, just for a minute, so we keep candles on the side table. But don't light the red candles. IT IS NOT TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES. 

Oh, and the cat's been gone a few days. He should come back pretty soon. He'll come in through the pet door. He always comes back.

If someone's at the door, don't answer it. Our neighbors are so terrible, always trying to poach our babysitters! >:(

And Lucy shouldn't be any trouble at all--just leave her in the crib with Talking Elmo and she'll be fine. (The dolls stay in the den with you, though.) And she loves the big clown statue--it really is supposed to be there! Ha ha! Don't worry about the stars on the walls, we'll clean that up later (she's our little artist!). Just keep all the curtains closed and don't answer the landline, and I'm sure everything will go just great. :) :) :) 

P.S. We're trying to get Lucy to sleep through the night, so even if she starts crying, do not feed her after midnight. DO NOT DO THAT.

Rosemary