#I just love Cas and suffer because he suffers alone

[casdeans-pie]

There's this really dumb season 5 era fic that I really want to write

I got this really vivid image of Dean going into Bobby's kitchen in the middle of the night because he heard a noise and he can hear the rustling of cutlery in the kitchen drawer and he's got his gun ready and he flips on the light and Cas is just standing there clutching one of those big salad forks to his chest.

And Dean is like ?? Cas????

And Cas is just staring at him like a deer in the headlights. and they just keep staring at each other cause thats what they do

And finally Dean is like Shall I leave you alone with your... fork???

But Cas is super cagey and Dean just gets more suspicious and playful about it. He manages to make it so that Cas says he 'needs a fork' and Dean is like Snort. Oh yeah. I'm sure. A good fork.

Cause yknow. fork sounds like

Anyway he manages to find out that Cas has an itch on his back that he just. can't. reach.

Which is what he needed the fork for.

Turns out that Cas is molting but the other angels are still actively hunting him so he can't go back to heaven to do it properly with real wings so he just has to suffer in his vessel with the phantom itch. Dean feels bad for him and does eventually agree to scratch his back.

Because of the intricate rituals. And that's what friends do. Friends help each other. They help their angel boy best friends during their angel wing molt thing.

So Cas is like Thank you Dean and takes off his coat and his jacket and his tie and his shirt and Dean is having a minor crisis.

He maneuvers Cas to brace his hands against the counter and Dean stands behind. He doesn't know what he's feeling but he's feeling a certain way about all of this. He starts to rake his fingers down Cas's shoulder blades and immediately Cas is like YES. THERE. HARDER. and Dean is like Jesus Cas! You'll wake the house shut up man! while trying not to show how unbelievably turned on he is

Just as the sexual tension between them really heats up Cas flies away.

And then there's a massive flash forward to present day where Dean has retired from hunting and Cas is still an angel and they're happy and alive and living together and so in love and Dean wakes up in the middle of the night because he can hear noises from the kitchen.

He goes down and flips on the light and Cas is there holding a spatula. And he's like Dean why do we not own any salad forks.

And Dean gently takes the spatula from him, kisses him, and is like Let me help you scratch that itch.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Parallels in Unknown Episode 9

God I love the physicality in this show.

I will preface by saying once more that Kurt is doing a great job in his role as Yuan, especially lately with all the pushing and prodding Yuan has been doing to Qian, but I once again find myself having to highlight the masterful performance of Chris Chiu.

Wei Qian is a very tense and quiet character in a show that uses voice overs sparingly. This means that Chris has a very difficult job in conveying Qian’s inner monologue through body language alone. Without uttering a word we know what Qian is thinking; what he’s feeling; we understand the depth, the weight of his care for the people he loves.

For Episode 9, I want to talk about parallels. Parallels and how effectively Unknown is able to use them to bring maximum emotional devastation:

gif by @ueasking

We open with a flashback to Lili and Yuan as kids, to Lili trying to get out of going to school because she is worried the world is going to end. We open with a line from Qian:

“Even if the world comes down, I’ll hold it up.” 

Y’all. That line hit me like a 16 wheeler, holy fuck. This is the summary of Qian’s life, of his goals, of his struggle. Qian’s never had the luxury to live in a world that wasn’t falling apart. But he’s spared Yuan and Lili (especially Lili) from the trauma and the abuse and the pain he has suffered. He is already holding everyone’s worlds together, and that line struck me as the deepest and most beautiful profession of love. And of course, because he is acting as a parent to these kids he has to follow it with an empty threat.

The kids head off to school, but before the door closes behind Yuan he turns around, he looks Qian right in the eye and he says

“Ge, if the world comes down, we’ll hold it up together.”

gif by @ueasking

Double homicide. A perfect expression of Yuan’s devotion to Qian, Qian who very rarely experiences reciprocity. Qian spent a large portion of his life being uplifted and supported by the people around him: Le-ge, San Pang and his family, Xiong this is true, but for Qian most of those feel like or literally are debts to be repaid. He said it to Le-ge in this episode “I will pay you back everything I owe”, in Episode 1, Qian tells San Pang he’ll pay him back when San Pang covers his bills, Xiong helped kick start Qian’s career, but he’s in business with Xiong now so Qian’s success is Xiong’s success. Yuan is the only person to whom Qian owes nothing, and Yuan is the only person who is trying to care for him back without being owed.

Because this show has been looping in my head, I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma. The first scene we see of Qian and Yuan together, Yuan holds out a metal pipe in defense and Qian has an immediate flashback to his own childhood and the abuse he had suffered. Qian immediately establishes a connection to Yuan that he never will with Lili because Qian was incredibly successful in shielding Lili from the harshness of the world. We don’t see the trauma Yuan must have experienced as a kid, but we get the snippets, the ties in to Qian’s experiences, the illness, the hunger. Yuan has suffered, and Qian has saved him, and Yuan understands the burden that comes with care. Yuan is devoted to Qian, Yuan does not want Qian to hold everything he’s carrying all by himself.

Yuan has always been like this, and will always be like this for Qian.

Despite the overarching structural problems I had with this episode, I do think there was a strong thematic thread in paralleling space and physical touch all the way through.

The Letter

Qian discovers this letter in a box under Yuan’s bed. 

“In my life, I’ve been driven by a deviant and sharp obsession” 

Qian tenses up, taking in a deep breath, his eyes wandering away from the page. He literally has to mentally prepare himself to continue reading Yuan’s words 

“Looking back, there’s nothing else. But if my life were to cease all of a sudden-” Qian barely moves his head to finish reading, instead just casts his eyes downward.

“-not seeing you one last time would be my greatest regret” 

Qian moves the paper downward, and he looks away. Legitimately, Qian looks at that letter for as short a time as he physically possibly can. 

I’m mentioning the letter because the face that Qian makes when he is reading it is a recurring character throughout this entire episode. Because we see that face again almost immediately when Qian is at H.O.T.. That man is fully dissociating in his meeting, his mind is not at work at all. He is a statue sitting there with exactly the same face he was making when he read the first few words of Yuan’s letter. And it is not until everyone else but San Pang has walked away that he breaks from that thought paralysis and turns to get San Pang’s opinion. Dissatisfied with San Pang’s response and knowing that Yuan was hiding something from him and has not responded to his phone calls, Qian seeks additional answers. 

Rescuing Yuan

In Episode 1, Qian figures out Yuan is in trouble because he gets a phone call from Yuan’s teacher saying that Yuan applied for a leave of absence, he freaks out and goes straight to the pool hall where he barges in yelling and fighting his way to Le’s door. The second he gets in the room, he barrels straight towards Hu and grabs him by the collar. Qian has to be held back by multiple people in order to stop him from laying waste to everyone there, and the second Le-ge tells his people to let Qian go, Qian starts running straight to Le to fight him and has to be held back once more. 

While Qian is being detained, he is looking around wildly, face a perfect picture of rage and desperation. When Yuan is brought out and Qian is released, he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him in to a hug and they start to walk away, arms linked to each other’s backs in support and connection. 

And it sticks as such a vivid memory in my head that I had a visceral reaction to seeing how Qian has changed over time. Because in Episode 9 he knows something is wrong, you can see the worry behind his eyes when he tells San Pang that Yuan hasn’t answered his phone. And San Pang leaves him sitting there, still mulling over everything. When Qian enters the restaurant to talk to Le he appears calm (though there is very clearly a storm brewing inside him), he enters slowly. He is tense, and frustrated, and trying to contain it all. He is trying to keep himself calm. This is a very political conversation. He pours beer for Le-ge, he drinks with him, but you can feel it in the way that Qian sits that his every thought is like a clock just ticking away until something bad happens to Yuan. 

“Le-ge can I ask a favor of you?” 

“What favor?”

“Help me find Yuan,”

“Are you asking me to help you find him or hand him back?” Le asks bemused and we get a jaw twitch from Wei Qian. Qian is seething, but he knows how Le operates and he’s older and wiser now so he can’t just enter the scene beelining towards Le with his fist ready for a face. As a child he was willing to fight Le, as an adult he has recognized Le more as an unfortunate ally who has all the power. Le and Qian roll up to the scene and we get a far more familiar Qian the second he exits the car and starts sprinting towards Yuan and immediately decks Hu right in the face to get him away from Yuan.

Again he tries to fight everyone that comes between them, again he is detained, being held back by multiple people, again Le and Hu fight while Qian is waiting to be released so he can run to Yuan. Again Le puts an ultimatum on their freedom, before it was a boxing match, now it is Russian Roulette.

When they are set free, Qian immediately runs to Yuan and grabs him like he did when they were running away. The way he looks at everyone when he has Yuan in his arms is exactly the same way he looked at everyone when he was reunited with Yuan the first time Yuan was taken from him by the gang. 

It’s all the same, the way they walk out together, the way they are made to pause, the way Qian’s face is snarling when he’s trapped. It’s all there.   

Russian Roulette

Now, we are all about reciprocity here so we get another really tragic parallel between the boxing scene in Episode 1 and the Russian Roulette scene in Episode 9. 

In Episode 1, it is Qian that is made to play Le’s game alone: win three boxing matches, he and Yuan get to leave the gang. But Le doesn’t let Yuan off scot-free here either, forcing him to stand there and watch Qian get beat to shit over and over and over again for Yuan’s sake. And we get Yuan being the one to call out to Qian. 

“Ge, stop fighting, let’s go home!” Yuan yells, and when Qian wins we see Yuan wiping tears away, and then screaming after Qian when his opponent sneaks up behind him. When Qian and Yuan are alone together after the fight, Yuan is crying and when Qian tells him not to cry he says: 

“Sorry. You wouldn’t have been in this fight if it hadn’t been for me,” which in this case is true for reasons outside of Yuan’s control. The things Qian has done for Le are informed by the care he has for Lili and Yuan, but Yuan is not himself the cause of the problem. 

In Episode 9 however….he walks right into the gang as if that is going to do anything, and has to be rescued by Qian. This time, though Yuan does not (or at least has yet to) say it, Qian would not have been in this fight with Hu and the rest of the gangsters if it wasn’t for Yuan. 

Similarly to Episode 1, Le-ge gives an ultimatum to their release, Russian Roulette. Where before we had three boxing matches, now we have three bullet chambers. And Yuan is old enough to protect Qian now, so Yuan volunteers to go first, and we get a role reversal. Before, Yuan had to watch, crying, as Qian fought and bled. Now, Qian is the one sobbing, having to watch Yuan get a gun to the head. Yuan looks at him and mouths “wo ai ni” and Qian immediately closes his eyes because cannot look at Yuan when the trigger is pulled, just as Yuan tried to look away when Qian was getting his skull bashed in in the boxing ring. 

Yuan gets tortured right back though when it is Qian’s turn to have the trigger pulled, all we hear over the background music is this desperate and broken pleading scream from Yuan to let Qian go. When the game is over and Qian is released he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him up stating “Let’s go home, we’re going home,” another direct parallel to Episode 1. 

THE HUG

Alright, my favorite devastating blow of the evening, the hug in Episode 9 and how it parallels the hug in Episode 1. Because there are two levels to this: 

photo of the photobook that @thisonelikesaliens was kind enough to send me. gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The hug that Episode 9 more explicitly parallels, in my mind, is the hug that Qian gives Yuan right when they are reunited. He has that boy tucked in his arms, and is holding the back of Yuan’s head with his hand. It’s a very quick moment, but the intensity of Qian’s motion, the strength of his hug, the emotional core of that hug is evident in just the briefest of seconds and matches the intensity, the strength, and the emotional core of the hug in Episode 9. 

gif by @ueasking

Then you get a secondary parallel with the hug between Qian and Yuan after the boxing match, though it’s not as much of a 1:1 visual as the brief hug above. This is mostly in the changing heights, Yuan and Qian are on relatively the same level here. And you get the hand to the back of the head as a comforting thing which Qian is also doing to Yuan in today’s hug. 

In Episode 9, they are walking back home, it is dark, it is quiet. Qian stops dead in his tracks, the same look on his face as when he read the letter. He turns to face Yuan and clenches his fist because he needs that extra strength, it is taking everything in him to follow through on what comes next and then he just grabs Yuan and pulls him into a hug that parallels the hug they shared when Yuan was younger. Qian hugs Yuan like he is that small, scared boy even though Qian is now so much shorter than Yuan and Yuan is so much braver than he used to be.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

But unlike the hugs in Episode 1, I don’t think this one is intended to comfort Yuan. I think this time, it is Qian reaching out to Yuan for his own comfort. Because in Episode 1 it is Yuan who cries in to the forehead touch, in Episode 9 it is Qian who burrows his face into Yuan’s neck as hard as he can while his face contorts in sobs. This is not necessarily a parallel, but it is the moment of the episode that ruined my life so I needed to make sure that I took you all down with me with a reminder of this scene and a gif. Oh also, they hug in front of a giant pile of wood like they do with the forehead touch in Episode 1 because they HATE US. 

Fishing Conversation v. Letter Conversation

The two big conversations that Qian and Yuan have this episode are really interesting to me because of how they play with space. When Yuan and Qian are out fishing together, Yuan places himself directly in front of, directly next to Qian for the whole length of the conversation where he asks Qian his feelings. Here they are with allllll this space around them, the water, the earth, the air they can sit wherever, they can stand wherever, they can exist wherever they want and they sit half a breadth apart. 

“Four years ago you turned and left, four years later we’re back here. This is enough.” Yuan states

“Can you stop staring at me then?” Qian asks.

gifs by @ueasking

And that in itself is a parallel to Episode 6 and Yuan begging, pleading, clutching at Qian’s knee for him to look at him. Qian could not look Yuan in the eye from the second Yuan told him he was suffering until the moment he returned home, and now Yuan refuses to break eye contact. (And as an aside, it is a very good indication that Qian is warming up to Yuan’s feelings because he says this in a very light, almost joking way. And he follows it with an empty threat, like the empty threat he gave to Lili when she said she didn’t want to go to school, one that Yuan calls him on immediately.) Yuan moves back to his seat, but even then he does not keep any physical distance from Qian, immediately reaching over to grab Qian’s rod ;-)

At the end of the episode, we get a very differently blocked conversation. It starts with the camera focused on Qian as he ices the back of his head, a place we know has caused him continual problems since the boxing match. Yuan knocks before he enters (which he did for the first time last episode), gives Qian a glass of milk (which they’ve definitely done in this show before), and in response Qian (rightfully imo) yells at Wei Zhiyuan for being dumb, then confronts him with the letter. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Qian asks, and it’s the first time he looks at Yuan in the exchange and Yuan takes it, turns around, and walks away without a word. Yuan puts the letter away and goes to sit on a chair in his room, looking across the hallway at Qian. And this is one of my favorite parallels in the episode, because of what it is doing with distance. 

gif by @ueasking

Earlier in the episode Yuan and Qian were fishing together and engaging in very intense conversation about their feelings and their relationship to one another (or rather, Qian was undergoing an interrogation about his feelings and hearing once more Yuan’s feelings for him). With all that wide open space at the river they were essentially joined at the hip the entire time. But here, when there is another very intense conversation about to happen- one where Yuan is breaking some news to Qian that is almost guaranteed to make him feel all the more guilty for sending Yuan away and going no-contact -there is as much space between them as possible.

So despite the fact that they are in their house, in a much smaller space than the river, despite the fact that they started the conversation in Wei Qian’s room, one of the few places Qian has been vulnerable in front of his family (especially when intoxicated, triggered, or experiencing symptoms of his chronic health condition), one of the few places that Qian has allowed Yuan to be completely carefree, cuddly, and affectionate with him (even sharing a bed), this space Qian has fought tooth and nail to make safe for his family, Yuan does not tarnish it by being in the room with him for the conversation. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

No, instead Qian will get this information with as much physical and emotional distance between them as Yuan can muster. 

“...some people started writing their last words” causes Qian to break eye contact with Yuan, but his posture, his breathing, all the rest of his physicality remains the same. Until…

“Everything I own is yours, whether you want it or not,”

That is what breaks Qian. Throughout the conversation as he is hearing about Yuan getting trapped, as he is hearing about Yuan thinking he was going to die, he is stoic, he is stone faced, the most movement you see from him is his eyes looking Yuan up and down in concern and his breath getting slightly quicker with each word, the turn of his head. But here he closes his eyes, he looks down at the ground, he releases his breath. It hits him so hard, the knowledge that he could have sent Yuan away and never seen him again, he sent Yuan away and Yuan could have died, where Qian was not around to protect him. 

It is just such a good mirror to the fishing scene, I love it so much. 

[marlborosam]

Man. What Exactly do you think was going on in Cas's head in 9x11 First Born when he told Sam "You know, being human... it didn't just change my view of food. It changed my view of you." Considering the fact that Cas had already Directly Blatantly Plainly said to Ana in SEASON FIVE that he would fucking Kill her/one of his own if they even came near Sam Winchester, let alone try to kill him. You come near Sam Winchester and I'll kill you. And that scene ALSO happens after: Cas comes to the conclusion that it didn't matter that they'd successfully stopped the Apocalypse, because it came "at a terrible cost"– because he'd lost Sam. Because in an act of love, and loyalty, and newly discovered free will, he'd braved Lucifer's Cage in order to try and save Sam. After Sam reached out to him as the only being who could possibly understand and most importantly forgive Cas for the wrongs he'd committed in the name of trying to do Right by the world, to do Right by those he cared about. Even if it'd meant going against what those loved ones actually thought was right. After he takes on the Cage trauma he'd personally re-inflicted on Sam, and tries to begin righting his wrongs by apologizing and trying to ease the pain and suffering he'd inflicted on Sam in particular– I was lost, until I took on your pain.

All of this history, and he says Being human, it didn't just change my view of food. It changed my view of you. I can relate now, to how you feel. I know what it feels like to be sorry. Sam, I am sorry.

What about that view was changed. What about his feelings for Sam were changed simply by virtue of the fact that he'd spent time as a human. I DESPERATELY need to know what the fuck that was actually supposed to mean. What does it Mean what does it all MEAN

[velocesainz]

Why are you here?

(OP81)

F1 masterlist | main masterlist | Taglist

Summary: You are an engineer at McLaren and work with oscar, however, the relationship between the two of you is complicated

Warnings: Angstyyyy, mentions of su!cide, happy ending

Pairing: Oscar x engineer!fem!reader

Your POV:

I walked into the McLaren garage and threw on my overalls. This was going to be a long day of repairs.

Why?

Because of Oscar Piastri of course.

He decided to ram the MCL60 into the barrier during fp1 causing the car to sustain some serious damage which had to be fixed before quali the next day.

As I was working alone, I heard someone walk into the garage.

"Finally somebody decided to help me fix this assholes ca-" I instantly shut my mouth when I saw Oscar.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He's never in the garage unless he's getting ready to get into the car.

"I came in here thinking someone useful was working on my car and to check with them if the damage was bad. But I guess no one is here" he replied curtly with a smirk on his face.

Ugh I hate him so much I tell you.

I couldn't hold the rage in.

"You know what just get out. I spend all my days slaving away to fix your stupid car that you keep crashing and I don't even get a thank you in return. I have to do this all alone because the other mechanics refuse to take orders from a "girl". So sincerely, if you have nothing good to say get the fuck out." I snapped.

Oscar looked at me for a second and then replied "Thank god I'm not in the garage as an engineer or something or else I would have to hear your annoying voice yap all day long and look at your ugly face while you complain" and walked away, thank god.

Thank god this was my last season with McLaren. I haven't yet signed the renewal contact but I doubt I want to stay in formula 1 after this experience.

Heck I didn't even want to live on this planet after what he just said.

Was I really that annoying and ugly?

Oscar POV:

I walked out of the garage and as I walked to my driver's room I tried taking in all the y/n said.

All she did was her job and me being a coward who can't express his feelings just ends up insulting or arguing with her.

I felt horrible. What I said was vile, disgusting and mean. I was going to apologise the next day for sure.

The next day:

I walked around the garage talking to my race engineer and getting ready for the race.

I didn't see y/n anywhere which is odd, she's always there for all races no matter what happens.

I ignored it and went on with the race.

2 hours later:

I can't believe it! I got P2!!

I better thank y/n, she fixed my car all by herself after all.

After the podium celebrations came time for the team party. I dressed up in a nice tailored suit and fixed my hair. I was going to confess to y/n today.

I made my way to the party and searched everywhere for y/n but she was still nowhere to be found.

I suddenly received a text from her

Thank you Oscar for all you've done to help me become a better person. I appreciated the insults to some point but yesterday really got to me. I know you hate me but I'd like you to know that I love you. It's alright though, you won't have to see this ugly face in the paddock or anywhere else really. I hope you live a great life, I sure didn't.

What did I just read? Was that...no. It can't be...

Was that a su!cide note?

I have to get to her immediately.

I got in my car and tracked her location on my phone, driving to her as fast as possible. I hope I can save her, she's my everything.

Your POV:

Everything was ready. The notes were sent. The bathtub was full.

It was perfect. I can finally end my misery and suffering.

I got into the tub, fully clothed, and completely submerged myself in it. I tuned out all the noise around me waiting for death to come take me.

That's when I was suddenly pulled out of the water.

Why wouldn't this person let me die? Why is this person here?

I opened my eyes. It was Oscar.

"Why are you here?" I asked

"Because I love you y/n. I can't live without you. I was stupid for not confessing earlier but please don't leave me" he was silently crying giving his confession.

"I love you too Oscar" I replied

"God I love you more. Don't ever leave me please" he said as he kissed me.

He helped me get out of my wet clothes and he held me close for the rest of the night.

I finally had someone who cared for me and all my worries disappeared.

[foolondahill17]

Gonna quickly rant about what I find to be the core of my dislike for Sam's characterization compared to Dean's.

I find Sam soooo fucking annoying in seasons 1-5. He's selfish, self-righteous, and bratty in a way that gets on my nerves. But I actually don't mind him as a *character* because I think that's a really interesting way to build your protagonist only to break him down and have him come out the other side with some kind of growth. A plummeting to the ground Icarus kinda deal.

We get a tiny glimpse of this potential at the end of season 4 when Sam realizes he's been played by Ruby this whole time and is actually an intrinsic piece to starting the Apocalypse. We hope for a fulfilling end for his character when he sacrifices himself at the end of season 5.

But then....he just goes back to the way he was in season 6 and 7 and onward. He never has substantial growth. He's always that whiny little baby from season 1. Instead of the huge character development spending a century in hell could have been, he just uses his suffering to be more self-righteous. He's so frustrating!

Compared to Dean's character growth, Sam is almost entirely one dimensional. At its bare bones, Dean begins the series deeply self-conscious and self-loathing but manages to hide it under a fairly strong conviction that he's fighting the good fight.

This core value is systematically hammered to pieces during seasons 1-3 until it's ultimately pulverized by Dean's time in hell. He returns from the pit with any sense of self utterly twisted and tarnished.

He now believes himself wholeheartedly to be unworthy of saving, let alone love. Even the fight for "good" he so earnestly believed in pre-hell seems exhausting and pointless.

This ultimately spirals into more and more desperate measures to save his family until suddenly he's pointing a gun at his child in a graveyard then pointing a gun at his brother-child in his home.

But it doesn't end there. Because still, at the end, he's able to be moved by Cas's love and say "that's not who I am" and literally throw his gun at God's feet.

[filmofhybe]

taking care of you from afar

🫶 pairing : Nishimura Riki x oc 💌 GENRE : Angst 907 wc

Warning : break up , cold Christmas

; AUTHORS NOTE : mixed up mixed up up up

Masterlist to my other works

"Y/n, I can't just stop caring for you," he insisted, his eyes reflecting the conflict within.

I sighed, realizing the complexity of our emotions. "Niki, it's going to be harder for both of us if we keep holding on. We need to move forward separately." We know we both don’t want this. But if only you knew why..

Two months before Christmas, Niki and I decided to part ways. We knew it was for the best, but the pain lingered in our hearts. I told him he should let me go, that holding on would only hurt him more with each passing day. Yet, Niki, stubborn and caring as ever, couldn't bring himself to release his grip on our relationship. It has very much affected my way on moving on from him because of his kind and caring gesture till this day. But nothing would ever change him or even stop him caring for me.

Christmas approached, and the bitter chill in the air mirrored the frostiness between us. I knew he couldn't stand seeing me suffer during the cold holiday season, especially knowing how much my seasonal depression intensified without him.

One day, as I sat alone in my room, I received an unexpected package. Inside were heat pads to keep me warm, some havd cream and lipbalm. With accompanied by a note that simply read, "Stay cozy and warm." Confused, I wondered who could have sent such a thoughtful gift.

Days passed, and the surprises continued. Warm, comforting meals arrived at my doorstep, sometimes even health care products and medicines, bringing a strange mix of gratitude and confusion - Niki, despite our breakup, was orchestrating these gestures from afar. He understood my struggles, even when I tried to convince him otherwise.

“I’m not struggling from my little seasonal depression..”

“Y/n i know you long enough to know you are.”

“Just stop sending stuff over.”

“Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I’m going to stop.”

Then came the day when I opened the door to find a box labeled "Snakes." My heart raced with anxiety until I noticed it was a typo – the intended word was "snacks." I chuckled at the mix-up, realizing Niki's efforts were not without their share of mishaps. Remember how he somehow can’t seem to spill snacks correctly makes my heart swell.

It became a routine. Each day of December, a new surprise arrived, is like a little advent calendar, ranging from handwritten notes to carefully chosen gifts that catered to my needs. I was touched by his unspoken care, yet torn by the knowledge that we had chosen separate paths. Was it really worth it?

One evening, unable to contain my curiosity any longer, I sent him a text. "Why are you doing this, Niki? We're not together anymore." His response was simple, yet it carried the weight of sincerity. "I care about you, Y/n. I can't stop that, even if we're not together anymore. I’ll never break the promise I made with your mother.”

I pondered his words, conflicted between appreciating his gestures and urging him to let go. I replied, "You need to move on, Niki. We both do.", “fine. I’ll stop soon.” His messages became more sporadic, but the surprises persisted. I found solace in his warmth, even if it was delivered from a distance. It was as if he aimed to heal the wounds he couldn't see.

As Christmas neared, I felt a mixture of gratitude and guilt. Gratitude for the kindness he continued to show, as he continues to deliver gifts to my front door despite telling him not to, and guilt for allowing him to hold on to a love that no longer had a place in our lives. I knew I had to confront him, for both our sakes.

One evening, I called him, the familiar sound of his voice stirring a whirlwind of emotions. "Niki, we can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy for either of us." He sighed on the other end of the line. "I know, Y/n. But I can't help it. I still believe in us, and I can't bear to see you suffer. Especially during this time. I know and we both know your struggling and I can’t stand that.. To me your still my precious Angel that i care for everyday..”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I whispered, "You have to let me go, Niki. It's the only way we can truly heal." He fell silent for a moment, then reluctantly agreed. "I'll try, Y/n. But promise me you'll take care of yourself."

As Christmas Eve arrived, I braced myself for the solitude that awaited. To my surprise, a final package arrived, adorned with a ribbon and a note that read, "Merry Christmas, Y/n. Take care of yourself, that’s all I ask for.”

Inside was a beautifully pink crafted blanket, a symbol of warmth and comfort. Despite the pain, I couldn't help but appreciate the bittersweet beauty of his gesture. As I wrapped myself in the blanket, I whispered a silent thank you to the universe for the love that had once been, and the strength to move forward into a new year, alone but not entirely lonely.

“thank you for the gift. Take care.”

“Your welcome, and I’ll always take care of you from afar.”

© filmofhybe on tumblr — do not copy , translate or share.

[apocalypseornaw]

Fighting Hurts

Follow up to Love is a Fight

Set in my Always be Yours verse

Yall it's angst just be warned

Requested by @cat-lockwood

Weeks had passed since you left the bunker. The memory of the tears in Dean's eyes as you begged him to let you go tortured you. You knew it was best for you both, he'd be distracted with you there and christ chances were you'd probably end up well and truly dead before Amara ended her rampage but what choice did you have besides to go down swinging?

The cabin you were staying in was one Bobby had won off Rufus in a bet way back when. It was sturdy and didn't leak, plus it had electricy ran to it which was a plus considering most of Rufus' cabins didn't. The warding was painted onto every inch of the interior. It'd taken you the better part of a day.

You hated admitting you were scared but this time you were. You were alone, cut off from everyone you knew in fear that should Amara come after you it would put anyone else in her sights. You wouldn't answer any of Deans or Sam's calls. You knew if you even heard Dean's voice your resolve would break.

----------

After some consideration and a whole lot of literal cabin fever you decided a simple case wouldn't hurt. You ended up finding what looked like a simple salt and burn so you headed out on it, what was the worst that could happen?

Dean was losing his mind. Since you'd left Lucifer had possessed Cas and Chuck had revealed himself to be God. Chuck was willing to assist them against Amara, he wanted nothing more than to see her dead or at least caged back up then maybe you'd come home. You'd some home blocked your phone to the point that it would ring but Sam couldn't track you and damn your connections with the covens littered around the states you were warded to the point Chuck couldn't find you.

He was scared that the truth was something had happened to you, you were gone and had died thinking he'd pick anyone over you.

----------

He watched the numbers flash by on the laptop in front of him "Cmon Amara. Where the hell are you?" "Hello Dean" he looked up to see her at the end of the table much the same way she'd been those weeks ago that drove you out of his arms.

She smiled "I missed you. It's been a while since we've spoken. I'm aware my brother has resurfaced. If he should reach out to you, he should that Lucifer his favorite isn't doing so well" before Dean could ask what she meant she waved her hand showing a tortured Cas or his vessel at least. "Say nothing of your friend Castiel"

There were burns over most of his face and he looked like he was barely hanging on. The image of Cas disappeared but Amara continued to speak "By ignoring me my brother is allowing this to happen along other things that should perk yours and Sam's interest"

She waved her hand again and an image of you appeared. You couldn't even stand like Cas could. You were curled into your self, the shirt you wore he recognized as one you took from his drawer. It was ripped down the spine and he could see what looked like bone sticking free from your skin "I must say Y/N is strong for a human. I can almost see your attraction to her" Dean was on his feet the moment the image of you disappeared "Let her go"

Amara smiled "My brother simply needs to come out of hiding and I may end her suffering"

You felt your body tense just from hearing Amara's voice "Oh Lucifer she isn't dead is she?" You pushed yourself up to lean against Lucifer's legs, the fact that he was wearing Cas as a vessel gave you comfort because you could almost imagine it was Cas.

Lucifer looked down at you weakly "This one? I've already killed her once and it didn't stick" Amara laughed wickedly "She is something isn't she? Drew the attention of not one but two Winchesters"

Lucifer looked at you again as Amara continued "Oh yes she betrayed Dean, with his brother and yet assumes he'd ever chose her over me" you felt tears hit your eyes but Lucifer moved his leg to get your attention and shook his head. Unfortunately Amara noticed. "Tsk tsk tsk. Can't have you two bonding" with that she used her powers to electrocute Lucifer as you felt her shadows dig into your back again. Your screams mixed with his, echoing in the silo.

Working with Metatron, being Amara bait..anything Dean was getting you back.

---------

You were barely conscious, focusing on your breathing. You knew you wouldn't die, you'd gotten close over the last few days but Amara would heal you to start to process again. She'd finally left after rubbing salt into your wounds that Dean had called out to her.

You laid next to where Lucifer was tied, knowing it was useless to try to run. A familiar sound hit your ears and you told yourself you were imagining it but as it got closer you realized you weren't. That was the impala.

"Y/N!" You heard Sam's voice and flinched away from it. How could you face him or Dean? Amara was right, you were poison to the Winchesters. You'd nearly caused one brother to kill the other. You felt his hands on your face and started to sob "Please don't touch me. Just let die"

You could hear Metatron reciting incantations to free you and Lucifer but couldn't summon the energy to ask "Take him Sam. He can help get rid of her" Sam had you up in his arms the moment he could and was carrying you to the impala "GET HIM FREE METATRON. I'LL COME BACK FOR HIM"

Sam laid you down gently on the backseat, carefully of the areas that made you whimper in pain "It's gonna be ok Y/N. I promise" he pulled his jacket off to lay over you then ran back into the silo.

A few moments later the older guy who'd been with Sam and Metatron jumped in next to you and Sam squealed tires leaving with Lucifer in the front seat next to him.

----------

You must have passed out because Sam slamming on brakes brought you back around to see Amara standing in the road. "Sam" you called weakly, knowing the four of you had no chance against her.

Sam threw the impala into reverse but Amara stopped it. "You really aren't worth sparing. None of you" she leaned her head back and you knew this was it. You closed your eyes, feelings tears slip down your face. "We're gonna die" was the only thought that went through your head when suddenly the impala slammed down in...the bunker?

---------

"What happened?" The older guy hollered. Sam cut his eyes at Lucifer then climbed out to help you but you pushed his hands away despite barely being able to stand on your own.

You slowly followed him and Lucifer up the stairs to find Chuck in the war room. You were leaning heavily against the wall as Chuck said "Occasionally I do answer a prayer" so Chuck was God.

He looked from Lucifer to you before snapping his fingers. You took a deep breath, no longer in physical pain. You had no clue what was going on or where Dean was but you felt a wave of dizziness wash over you and the next thing you knew the room went dark.

"What the hell do you mean she passed out? Didn't you heal her?" Dean asked Chuck in nearly a growl. He'd gotten back to the bunker to news you'd barely been alive, was healed then passed out. Sam was in the infirmary with you on the phone with Rowena as to what could bring you around.

"I healed her physical wounds Dean. Amara tortured her, strong or not Y/N is human" Dean pushed past him and headed for the infirmary.

----------

Sam had Rowena on speaker as he sat at your bedside. Rowena didn't even like Crowley, her own son but for you? She'd dropped what she was doing to find a spell to help and was doing it. The moment she was done you started to stir "It worked Rowena. She's coming around" "Well of course it did Samuel. Now if the poor dear needs a way out of that mad house tell her to call me" with that she hung up.

----------

You felt like you were drowning, the way waves would let you come up for air only to shove you down again. You could feel something pulling you out but didn't know what until you recognized the accent. Rowena. You held onto her voice with everything you had until your eyes opened to the bright fluorescents in the infirmary.

You could hear voices. First Rowena and Sam then Dean's voice joined. You couldn't focus. You just laid there trying to breathe. What had Amara done to you?

---------

Dean stopped at the door of the infirmary the moment he saw your still form. "Sam?" He called rooted to the spot. He couldn't see you dead, he wasn't strong enough to lose you..

"She's alive Dean. Amara just damaged her psyche, she blocked her aura according to Rowena. She's conscious but not really alert" Dean felt a weight lift from his chest. You were alive.

---------

He crossed the few steps to the bed and gently touched your hand "Sweetheart?" Your eyelids fluttered before they slowly opened. As they did you snatched your hand away from him "Dean?"

He tried not to show the hurt he felt at you pulling away. "You're home Y/N... its gonna be ok" He attempted a smile but you started to cry "I can't Dean. Not right now. I love you but please you and Sam just give me some space"

He could feel his heart shatter but he nodded "Of course. If you need anything just holler ok?" You nodded, nearly hyperventilating from the tears. He wanted nothing more than to hold you but knew that would make it worse. "I love you" he whispered before Sam nearly pulled him from the room.

------------

Dean walked into the war room, feeling as if his feet weighed a hundred pounds a piece. You were so damn broken and why? Because you loved him. "Dean?" Sam asked, touching his shoulder but he tensed up "Not now Sammy. Not now"

[steddieas-shegoes]

Another request idea! I was listening to What a Time To Be Alive by Fall Out Boy and the line "But, baby, please, I just need someone to hold me Even though you don't even know me" struck me as a particularly good steddie prompt. Maybe some hurt/comfort? Thanks for even reading this request!

Full disclosure: I never got really into FOB. I mean obviously love their classics. Anything that was on the radio I liked it just fine. But I did have to go listen and look up the lyrics for this one because just that line had me going feral with an idea. I've read a few fics where Steve and Eddie meet at a party, which honestly makes a lot of sense canonically. Eddie has the goods, parties need the goods, Steve threw a lot of parties. This is a slightly different take on that premise. It's a LOT of hurt, and a LOT of comfort. Steve is kind of pitiful actually, and I love that for him. Eddie's super into it too. Also tagged it light dom/sub because of nonsexual type things that happen while Eddie is comforting Steve. To me, since they didn't have a discussion about it and aren't in a relationship, it could just be seen as one dude kind of being a little pushy when taking care of another dude, but that tag doesn't exist so here we are. I hope this gets posted in time for you to cry in the school pick up line! - Mickala ❤️

---------------------------------------------------------

Steve should not have come to this party. Tommy always threw a huge one at the end of the year, right when his parents left for their anniversary vacation, and Steve always came.

But this year was the first year he hadn’t been invited by Tommy.

He really hadn’t been invited at all, but it was just common knowledge that it was happening here and now, so here he was.

No more crown, hanging onto his sanity by a thread, and his only friends were barely 13 years old.

Being a wallflower was a new thing for him.

He watches from the corner of the kitchen, sees the people he used to call friends getting drunk, getting high, dancing. It doesn’t seem fun anymore.

He’s glad that’s not him anymore.

So why does he feel like crying?

He holds it in, takes small sips of his beer, focusing on the bitter taste. He didn’t even like beer. Just drank it to maintain the King of Keg Stands crown

As the night drags on, it sinks in that he just doesn’t fit in this world anymore. It wasn’t made for him, he wasn’t made for it.

He didn’t really fit anywhere.

He choked back a sob, rushing out the back door of the house and down to the pond that Tommy and his dad fished out of.

No one ever went out here, too worried about bugs or snakes, but Steve couldn’t find it in himself to care right now.

His legs gave out when he reached the dock, his body sinking down to the wood below him as he felt tears fall down his face.

It wasn’t a panic attack, he’d had plenty of those, made it through plenty of them on his own. This was just sadness.

He was alone out here, not even the noise of the party to keep him company.

He was alone everywhere, really.

Sure, he had the kids. But they were kids. They hung out with him because he protected them, not because they thought of him as a friend.

His parents hadn’t been home in nearly six months, hadn’t called in two, didn’t even seem interested in the fact that he was graduating high school.

Nancy didn’t give him the time of day, nor should she after everything that happened.

The friends he grew up with, the friends he thought would be there for him, ended up being terrible.

“Shit, Harrington? Is that you?”

Steve sniffed.

He couldn’t be found like this, his reputation would suffer even more, somehow.

He wiped his eyes quickly, hoping that it was dark enough the other person wouldn’t see the movement.

“Uh, yep,” Steve managed to say after a deep breath, surprised that his voice didn’t sound as wrecked as he felt.

He turned around and saw Eddie Munson walking up the dock.

Everyone knew Eddie only got invited to these parties because he sold weed. Eddie himself only came to the parties because he knew he could make a killing just for showing up for an hour or two.

The only times he’d ever spoken to Eddie were to make sure he showed up for his own parties, offering him a tip of $20 just to come well-stocked.

He always came, never accepted the tip, and usually left a rolled joint in Steve’s room at the end of the party.

He didn’t think he did that for everyone, but he was too scared that it would stop if he asked.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Just felt like fishing,” Steve responded, slapping his hand against his face as soon as he said it.

“With your bare hands in the dark?” Eddie snorted. “I will give you free weed for a year if you can manage to do that right now.”

Steve cracked a small smile.

“Make it free weed for life and I may consider hopping in and giving it a try.”

Eddie’s laugh filled the night, loud and full of life. Something Steve needed to hear.

But Eddie sobered quickly, watching as Steve looked down at his lap.

“Needed a break from the party?”

“Guess so.”

“It didn’t seem like you were doing much in there.”

Steve just shrugged, not sure how to explain without crying again.

But apparently Eddie wasn’t going to let him get away with that.

“Heard about you and Nancy, man. Sorry it didn’t work out,” Eddie said, nudging his shoulder with his hand.

He was really close, close enough for Steve to feel the warmth radiating from his body. It was that awkward time between spring and summer, and the night was warm, but it still felt nice.

He hadn’t had someone so close to him on purpose in a long time. Maybe if he scooted an inch to the left, he would brush against Eddie’s hand just right and-

“Shit, you’re crying again,” Eddie said.

His hand was suddenly on Steve’s shoulder, and Steve shivered at the contact.

He closed his eyes and realized that, yes, he was crying again.

Dammit.

Warm, strong arms were wrapping around him, pulling him tight against an equally warm, strong chest.

He let out a sob, his chest hurting with the effort it took to hold in as much noise as he could.

A hand was in his hair, fingers carefully running through the length of it.

“It’s alright, sweetheart. Let it out. I got ya,” Eddie was saying quietly against the top of his head, his breath sending shivers down Steve’s spine.

Steve couldn’t catch his breath. The way Eddie was holding him, talking to him, caring for him, it was more than he’d ever really had.

He knew he’d never see or talk to Eddie again, so why not embarrass himself?

“Match my breaths, Stevie,” Eddie calmly tried getting him to calm down.

And he could if he tried, he knew he could. He wasn’t having a panic attack, just a breakdown he’d been meaning to have for a year now. He needed to get it out.

“Look at me.”

Eddie’s tone was different now, deeper and difficult to ignore.

Steve looked at him, eyes wide, wet with tears still falling. His nose was running, he could feel it starting to drip, but Eddie was holding him tightly, and he couldn’t move his hands to try to wipe his face at all.

“Good boy.”

Steve shivered again. He blamed it on a chill in the air, but he knew that they both knew there was no chill in the air.

The air was humid, a rainstorm expected the next day keeping the environment around them stale and still.

“You can cry as much as you want, but you have to breathe. Understand?”

Steve nodded, taking in a shaky breath.

“Better,” Eddie smiled, his face still showing concern, but relaxing when Steve started taking more frequent, slow breaths.

He felt less tears gather and fall the more breaths he took, his eyes never leaving Eddie’s smiling face.

“Doing better, sweetheart?”

Steve nodded, but he still felt the lingering loneliness, knew that when Eddie left him, he’d be back to square one.

“What’s got you so upset, huh?”

Steve shrugged, letting his head rest on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Did someone hurt you?”

What a loaded fucking question that was.

Yeah, a lot of people hurt Steve, for as long as he could remember, emotionally and physically.

But he wasn’t about to spill his guts to Eddie, even if he was being nice. He didn’t know the guy enough to start talking about his abandonment issues.

Eddie’s hands were running along his back, soft and then harder, soft again, then settled in his lower back.

His hands were big, bigger than Steve’s even, and his fingers were long. His splayed out hands covered all of Steve’s lower back area.

He felt covered, protected.

He didn’t want to get up.

“Steve, if someone hurt you, you need to tell someone. It doesn’t have to be me, but maybe your parents or the counselor.”

“Can’t tell my parents if they’re the ones who hurt me,” Steve spoke before realizing what he was saying.

It hit him so suddenly, he started to pull away, a small whimper leaving his body without his consent.

But Eddie wasn’t letting him go, tightened his arms around him and shushed him gently.

“Hey, stay with me. We don’t have to talk about it, let me just hold you a bit more.”

Steve gave in. He couldn’t understand why, or how, or what was running through his mind. He just knew the way Eddie was holding him made him feel whole for maybe the first time in his life.

He chased that feeling, sinking further into Eddie’s chest and letting the man rock him back and forth slowly.

Thinking went out the window as one of Eddie’s hands slowly brushed through his hair, then a finger slowly traced along his hairline, down his jaw, over his lips.

The whimper he let out now had nothing to do with being upset.

“Okay, sweetheart?”

“Why are you being nice to me?”

Eddie’s fingers froze, but only for a moment. Steve knew he’d never outright bullied Eddie, had probably been nicer to him than most of his friends had, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d never been particularly kind either.

His finger moved back along his lip, then up along his nose, then to his forehead. It was like he was trying to commit everything to memory, soaking every moment of this up because he didn’t think he’d have it again.

And maybe he wouldn’t.

But Steve wanted this to happen again when he wasn’t having a mental breakdown in Tommy’s backyard.

“Because sometimes there’s a lot more to people than what everyone sees and I think I see you a lot better than most people do. I don’t need you to explain anything to know you’re hurting and you don’t deserve to be.”

He said it like it was simple, like it made all the sense in the world for him to comfort him.

Maybe to him it did.

“But I was an asshole.”

“You were. But it doesn’t take a genius to see you aren’t anymore.”

“How do you know that?”

Eddie was quiet for a minute, his fingers moving back to Steve’s hair and tugging gently so he had to pull away from his chest and look at him.

“The old Steve would have never even given me a chance to help. He also wouldn’t have been standing by the wall for a party like this or escaping to a secluded area to cry. The old Steve wouldn’t be looking at me like you are right now.”

“How am I looking at you?”

“Like you want me to kiss you,” Eddie smiled.

He said it easily. Like saying it wouldn’t have made most other guys punch him immediately.

“And if I do?”

“You’ll have to ask nicely. You may be a changed man, but I do deserve some manners.”

Steve smiled at him, his charm replacing any lingering sadness.

“Oh? So if I were to lean in and kiss you that would be rude? I need to say please?”

Even in the dark, Steve could see Eddie blushing.

“I’m not stopping you,” Eddie finally said, voice strong despite the redness of his cheeks.

“So if I said please, you’d kiss me?” Steve asked as he inched closer, his breath hot against Eddie’s lips.

“If you said please, I’d do anything you wanted,” Eddie gasped out.

“Please kiss me,” Steve breathed out, his lips gently grazing against Eddie’s.

Eddie pushed forward the final centimeters, his lips warm and wet against Steve’s.

They both groaned into the kiss, Eddie’s hands cupping Steve’s jaw to keep him there.

Steve moved so he could straddle Eddie’s lap, his hands resting on Eddie’s shoulders as he finally gained the higher ground.

He realized quickly he didn’t want it, not with Eddie.

He let out a whimper and Eddie pulled away for a moment, but only to smirk and nudge him back.

“This dock isn’t gonna collapse under us, is it?”

“Don’t know,” Steve supplied as he settled on his back, Eddie hovering over him.

“Guess we’ll have to find out.”

Eddie’s lips were back on his, demanding, but slow.

Minutes passed, maybe hours.

Steve felt safer than he ever had, here under Eddie, with every possibility that someone could find them eventually and not giving a shit about it.

Eddie would keep him safe.

He didn’t know Eddie well, but he knew that much.

No one who helped a known asshole when he was having a breakdown at a party would just leave him to be beat up for kissing a dude.

The way Eddie touched him, rough hands fluttering over any place his skin was visible, lips and tongue making new patterns against his own, it felt like Steve was being cherished, appreciated, loved.

If this was all he ever got, if this is all he ever felt and tasted of Eddie, he thinks it would be enough.

Or it wouldn’t and he would never feel like this again.

“You’re thinking too loud, sweetheart,” Eddie mumbled against his lips.

“Just feels good,” Steve added, placing another kiss against his lips.

He could feel the shift, the way Eddie was slowing down, pulling away inch by inch.

It wasn’t enough.

Steve whimpered.

“Sh. It’s okay, Stevie. We’re just pausing for now,” Eddie moved back, kissing his forehead before there was too much space between them.

He heard voices in the distance, a reminder that the party was still happening and possibly wrapping up.

“Did you drive here?”

“I walked.”

“You walked?”

Eddie sounded upset.

“I’m only a street away. Not a long walk.”

“I’ll drive you back to yours. Walking this late after so many idiots have been drinking and plan to drive is dangerous.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“I’m not a damsel in distress or whatever they’re called.”

“Ah, but you are. Crying alone outside in the dark, waiting for a big, strong man to come save you? My chariot awaits!” Eddie was helping him stand as he spoke, then bowed and gestured towards the road where his van must have been parked.

Steve couldn’t help the laugh he let out.

Yeah, maybe he was a damsel in distress. Maybe he would let Eddie rescue him.

Maybe he didn’t have to be so lonely, at least for tonight.

[lightofraye]

Dean girl or Sam girl? (Or Castiel girl?) You say you're a fan of Supernatural so which one are you?

Hi anon!

Heh.

Okay. Never had this question before. I've been waiting.

Honestly... both of the boys.

Sam because he's sweet, loves to read, loves to learn, and when he was with Eileen, it was very sweet. He was considerate of her disability and tried to learn sign language to communicate with her. He gives with his whole heart. More, I could empathize with him enduring his father's abuse growing up, the lack of instability, and everything he went through. More, I'm proud of his strength to stand up to his father and leave that life. Even if he came back because of Dean.

Dean... god. Dean. Where do I begin? Broken Dean. Parentified Dean. Dean who gave up multiple chances to leave, because it mean leaving Sam behind and he just couldn't do that. He couldn't leave his brother to suffer their father alone. So he put aside multiple chances for happiness and went back to them, because of Sam. Broken Dean, because he went through so much he thought he was good for only one thing: to die in battle. Unworthy of being saved. Unworthy of being loved. I too see a lot in Dean that I see or saw in myself.

As for Cas... I never really grew overly fond of him. He had his moments, but no... Sam and Dean girl myself.

Bobby was a riot. Benny was a sweetheart, who didn't have much luck in his second chance of life (but he died being able to help Dean save Sam).

[zapreportsblog]

I love the last post. I can see Felix and the Reader doing martial arts together. I can see Caius's face being hesitant to give the reader head scratches.



Jasper/ the Major x wolf reader

Jasper ends up leaving the Cullens for good and going back to live with Peter and Charlotte because he decides he is done with the animal diet, and He finds out Alice lied about them being mates. On the way to Peter and Charlotte's home, He finds the reader in her wolf form not knowing she is female, being chased by other wolves. She accidentally runs into him, and she hides behind him visually scared as the others catch up to her. The Major comes out when he realizes the reader has blood on her fur and open wounds.

(I feel like Jasper/ the Major wouldn't leave the reader to suffer from danger.)

He tells the wolves after they have shift back into human form to leave the wolf alone, that's when the alpha of the pack mentions very rudely that the reader is female and how she does not belong in his pack. They leave and by then the reader has shifted back into a human and looks at Jasper and imprints on him but before she says anything she has passed out from her wounds. Jasper takes her back to Peter and Charlotte, where he nurses her back to health after Peter calls him and says she is important to Jasper. After a few weeks, Jasper, Peter and Charlotte, Reader have received a message that Maria is coming to try take The Major back.

Okay! We got this!

❝true mates❞

✭ pairing : jasper hale x reader

✭ fandom : twilight

✭ summary : jasper is done with the animal diet, he can’t survive no longer without the sweet taste of human blood so he leaves, he leaves behind his family and moves in with two of Carlisle old friends Peter and charlotte. They welcome him and he’s happy now, but before he can arrive there he has a run in with some wolves, no they aren’t attacking him but another.

✭ authors note : this was fun to write ooh and I’m in a Uber on the way home. Nvm I made it home before I could write the last half

✭ twilight masterlist

Jasper Hale's world had always revolved around Alice. Their connection was unbreakable, their bond stronger than steel. But as the days passed, an unease began to settle within him, like a cloud obscuring the sun. It was a gnawing feeling that refused to be ignored.

One evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon and the first stars appeared in the sky, Jasper found himself alone with Alice in their favorite clearing. The air was crisp, and the only sound was the rustle of leaves in the gentle breeze.

"Alice," Jasper's voice trembled as he began, "I've been feeling something... off, lately. Like there's something you're not telling me."

Alice's golden eyes flickered with uncertainty, her usually bright demeanor dimming. "Jasper, you know I'd never keep anything from you."

"But what if you did?" he pushed gently. "What if there's something you've been hiding? Something about us?"

Alice's gaze dropped to the ground, and Jasper's heart clenched. "Jasper, I thought I was doing what was best for us. I thought if you believed we were destined mates, it would make the transition easier for you. I didn't want to burden you with doubts."

Jasper's brows furrowed, his confusion turning to hurt. "You lied to me? About being mates?"

Alice's voice quivered as she nodded. "I thought it was for the best. I didn't want you to struggle with your cravings more than you already do."

The weight of her admission hung heavy in the air. Jasper's mind raced, conflicting emotions churning within him. The bond they had shared, the trust he had placed in her, felt like shattered glass beneath his feet.

"I can't do this, Alice," Jasper whispered, his voice cracking. "I can't be with someone who would lie to me about something so fundamental. And it's not just that. My cravings are getting worse, and I can't ignore them any longer."

Alice reached out a trembling hand, but Jasper stepped back, out of her reach. "I need human blood, Alice. I can't suppress it any longer."

Tears of vemon welled up in Alice's eyes as she nodded, understanding the weight of his words. "Jasper, I'm so sorry."

Jasper's resolve hardened. He turned away from her, his gaze fixed on the darkening forest. "I can't stay here any longer. Not after this. I need to find a way to control my cravings."

As he walked away from the clearing, leaving behind the shattered fragments of his relationship with Alice, he felt a mixture of sorrow and determination. He needed to find a new path, one that didn't involve the lies and half-truths that had clouded his existence.

Several days later, in the quiet of the Cullen home, Carlisle approached Jasper with a solemn expression. "Jasper, I've made a difficult decision. I reached out to two old friends, Peter and Charlotte. They are vampires who drink human blood, and they've agreed to take you in."

Jasper looked up, his eyes reflecting a mix of gratitude and uncertainty. "You've done so much for me already, Carlisle."

Carlisle placed a reassuring hand on Jasper's shoulder. "We care about you, Jasper. We want you to find the path that's right for you. You deserve to live without the burden of lies and cravings."

Jasper nodded, his voice sincere. "Thank you, Carlisle. For everything."

As Jasper traveled through the dense woods, each step brought him closer to the unknown. The memory of leaving the Cullens was still fresh, a mix of sorrow and determination propelling him forward. The moon hung high in the sky, casting an ethereal glow over the forest.

Suddenly, a series of frantic growls and rustling leaves shattered the silence. Jasper's instincts kicked in, and he swiftly darted behind a large tree, taking cover. A pack of massive wolves emerged from the shadows, their eyes glinting with a mix of fury and urgency.

In their midst was an injured wolf, blood oozing from a wound on its side. The injured wolf's paws faltered, and it stumbled, falling to the ground with a pained whimper. The other wolves closed in, their intentions clear.

Jasper's eyes narrowed as he felt a surge of protective energy flow through him. Without hesitation, he stepped forward, his presence commanding attention. The air seemed to crackle with tension as his form shifted, his alter ego, the Major, taking over.

With a roar that echoed through the night, the Major radiated power and authority. The other wolves hesitated, their aggression giving way to uncertainty. The Major's cold, steely gaze bore into them, a warning that needed no words.

The pack of wolves backed away, their tails tucked between their legs. As they retreated, the injured wolf managed to stand, its eyes locking onto Jasper's, a mixture of gratitude and fear in its gaze. Jasper's gaze softened, recognizing the vulnerability beneath the fierce exterior.

Then, something unexpected happened. The injured wolf's form began to shift, contorting and reshaping until it was no longer a wolf, but a human. She stumbled slightly, her body weakened by the transformation, and Jasper moved quickly to support her.

Her breathing was labored, and blood stained her torn clothes. "Thank you," she managed to whisper, her voice fragile and hoarse, before collapsing against him, unconscious.

Jasper's surprise was twofold. First, he was taken aback by the fact that the injured wolf had been a girl all along. And second, as he looked into her eyes, which had transitioned from the fierce amber of a wolf to the warm brown of a human, he felt a pull—a connection unlike any other.

His heart raced, and for a moment, he was at a loss for words. The sensation of a mate pull was undeniable, a magnetic force drawing him to her. But his recent experiences with Alice had left him cautious, wary of giving his heart too easily.

Gently cradling the injured girl in his arms, Jasper's thoughts swirled. He couldn't deny the bond that seemed to be forming, the inexplicable connection that defied reason. As he carried her deeper into the woods, seeking a safe place to tend to her wounds, he couldn't shake the feeling that his journey had taken an unexpected turn—one that held the potential for a new chapter in his immortal life.

Jasper continued his journey through the night, his arms cradling the injured girl against his chest. His steps were steady, his heart a mix of uncertainty and determination. He knew he was headed in the right direction—toward Peter and Charlotte, his two old vampire friends who had agreed to take him in.

As he approached their secluded dwelling, nestled deep within the wilderness, a sense of familiarity washed over him. The moonlight illuminated the path ahead, guiding him toward the place where he hoped to find answers and a safe haven.

The door to the cabin swung open just as Jasper arrived, revealing Peter and Charlotte. Their expressions were a mix of surprise and concern as they took in the scene before them—the injured girl in Jasper's arms.

"Jasper, what happened?" Charlotte's voice carried genuine worry as she rushed forward to help.

Jasper carefully laid the girl on a nearby couch, her unconscious form a stark contrast to the cozy interior of the cabin. "She was being chased by a pack of shapeshifters. I scared them off."

Peter approached Jasper, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Good job, Major."

With Charlotte's expertise, they set to work treating the girl's wounds. The room was filled with the soft glow of candles, and Jasper watched as they worked together seamlessly, their experience evident in every movement.

Time passed in a blur as they tended to the girl's injuries. Slowly, her breathing steadied, and color returned to her cheeks. Jasper found himself captivated by her delicate features, her vulnerability drawing him in.

As the girl began to stir, her eyelids fluttering open, she looked around in confusion before her gaze settled on Jasper. "You saved me."

Jasper offered her a small, reassuring smile. "You're safe now."

"Thank you," she murmured, her voice barely a whisper.

As the girl drifted back into a restful slumber, Jasper turned to Peter, his expression conflicted. "Peter, I don't understand. I felt a mate pull toward her, but she's a shapeshifter, and I'm a vampire. How is that possible?"

Peter's gaze held a knowing twinkle as he leaned against the cabin's wall. "Jasper, a vampire's mate can be anyone or anything. The connection transcends the boundaries of species. It's about souls that resonate with each other, regardless of form."

Jasper's brows furrowed, absorbing Peter's words. "But how can I feel a connection to her? I've felt a similar pull before, but it was never this strong."

Charlotte joined the conversation, her gentle smile reassuring. "Jasper, love is a powerful force. It can defy logic and expectations. Your experiences with Alice might have taught you caution, but that doesn't mean you should close yourself off to new possibilities."

Jasper's gaze drifted back to the girl, his heart a swirl of emotions. As he watched her, he realized that he had been given a second chance—a chance to discover a new kind of love, one that was based on honesty and mutual understanding.

Peter's words echoed in his mind, a reminder that love was not confined by the boundaries of species. As the night unfolded around them, Jasper's resolve strengthened. He would embrace this newfound connection, this unexpected mate pull, and allow it to guide him toward a future that held both promise and adventure.

As the girl began to regain her strength, Jasper sat by her side, his eyes never straying from her. She stirred, her eyelids fluttering open, and a soft smile curved her lips as she met his gaze.

"Hey," she whispered, her voice fragile but filled with gratitude.

Jasper returned her smile, a warmth spreading through him. "How are you feeling?"

"(Y/N)," she introduced herself, her voice carrying a hint of determination despite her weakened state. "And thanks to you and your friends, much better."

He nodded, a sense of kinship forming between them. "I'm Jasper."

She looked around the cabin, her gaze landing on Peter and Charlotte, who were watching with approving smiles. "You have good friends, Jasper."

"They're more like family," Jasper replied, his voice tinged with emotion. "They took me in when I needed it most."

Peter approached, a playful grin on his face. "And now it seems we're growing our family even more."

Charlotte nodded in agreement. "You're welcome to stay with us, (Y/N). Consider this cabin your home as well."

Tears glistened in (Y/N)'s eyes as she looked at the couple before her. "Thank you, both of you. I don't know how to repay your kindness."

Peter chuckled. "No need for repayment. We've been in similar situations before, and we believe in helping those in need."

As days turned into weeks, the cabin became a haven for (Y/N), much like it had been for Jasper when he first arrived. The bond between them grew stronger, a friendship forged in gratitude and shared experiences.

Jasper found himself drawn to (Y/N) in ways he had never imagined. Her resilience and kindness captivated him, and the mate pull he felt only intensified. He was no longer burdened by doubts or fears; instead, he embraced the connection that had formed between them.

As they spent time together, sharing stories and laughter, Jasper felt a deep sense of contentment. The pain of his past with Alice was slowly fading, replaced by the hope of a future with his true mate.

One evening, as the sun set and cast hues of orange and pink across the sky, Jasper found himself alone with (Y/N) on the porch. They sat side by side, the quietude of the moment speaking volumes.

"(Y/N)," Jasper began softly, his gaze fixed on the horizon, "I know we come from different worlds, but there's something between us that I can't ignore."

She turned to him, her eyes meeting his with a mix of curiosity and understanding. "I feel it too, Jasper."

He took a deep breath, his voice steady. "I've been hurt before, (Y/N). But with you, it's different. I want to embrace this connection between us, without reservation."

A smile graced her lips, a gentle affirmation. "I want that too, Jasper. I've never felt a bond like this before."

And in that moment, as the sun dipped below the horizon and the stars began to twinkle in the night sky, Jasper knew he had found his true mate. The journey that had led him to (Y/N) was one of twists and turns, heartache and healing. But now, with her by his side and the support of Peter and Charlotte, he felt a sense of completeness that he had never known before—a love that transcended all boundaries and promised a future filled with hope and happiness.

[casdeans-pie]

Part 4 of Flustered Castiel Accidentally Explodes Lightbulbs And Causes Power Outages Especially When Dean's Fingers Are In His Hair

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3.

Happy birthday to me! This is my birthday gift to myself so it's deliciously self indulgent for the final part. I honestly could have just kept going with this forever, I adore flustered!Cas and his angel powers lmao

This part got so big I couldn't put the whole chapter in the tumblr post sorry!

Taglist: @dreampencil , @mymisfitsbabe , @fivefeetfangirl , @kerryweaverlesbian , @give-bucky-his-boyfriend-back , @mooshroomister , @castielsbloodynose , @the-great-pumpkin-67 , @casavanse , @homoangel - thanks all for your interest, hope you like the conclusion!!

-----Read on AO3-----

---------

If stubbornness was a sin, Dean knew he would be going straight to hell when he died. Again.

There were a million reasons that Dean could think of for why Cas had distanced himself (that buzzed around his brain like insistent bees whenever he lay down to sleep at night) but if they didn’t talk about them then none of them were real. The ache in his chest at Cas’s absence, familiar from when he used to leave them for stretches at a time, felt like it dug in deeper and deeper with every passing day – but he still just couldn’t bring himself to talk to him about it.

The biggest surprise became the slow realisation that the saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ wasn’t just some made up cliché bullshit that people said to each other, because seeing Cas, even briefly before he scurried away, made Dean’s heart sing like a lovesick teenage girl.

Sam only suffered through so much before he started using his Sad-Sam-Eyes whenever he saw them both, hoping they would finally sort out whatever was going on between them, but he didn’t mention it otherwise. Somehow that made it even worse. If Sam told them to talk to each other, at least that could have been a good excuse. But no.

Dean had to do something on his own.

He had to.

He’d started all of this by being a jerk about Cas’s powers, so it was time to dip into that Dean Winchester Courage, have a real conversation about all of this, and face losing his best friend – the Angel that he loved – head on.

------

Then they finally had a hunt together. Alone.

Dean’s bloody machete hung in a loose grip by his side as he kicked the toe of his boot at the decapitated body on the ground beside him. The head lay nearby.

“Think we finally got ‘em all,” Dean said with a grin. His clothes were covered in splashes of blood, and he could feel some drying on his cheek that he was itching to scratch off with his nail. “I love a good vamp nest clear-out, but if I’d have known there were gonna be this many, I would’ve brought Sam as extra back-up.” Dean didn’t want to mention that the reason he’d told Sam to stay behind in the first place was because he’d finally stopped being chickenshit scared about sorting this thing out with Cas. “Not that we didn’t handle it.” He gestured towards the headless bodies scattered around them with his machete.

Cas didn’t reply. He’d been quiet in the ride over and had kept his distance for the whole fight.

Okay. Time’s up. Time to do this. Dean took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. “Cas, listen-”

“Dean!” Cas yelled, slamming into him just as the sound of a gunshot exploded nearby.

Dean went hurtling down as another gunshot rang out. He landed heavily – the floor winded him and disorientated him enough that he couldn’t get straight back up, and he shook his head rapidly to try to clear it.

There were sounds of Cas wrestling with the vampire nearby. Dean watched dazedly as the vampire snarled and bared his fangs as he threw a punch at Cas’s nose, and his fist connected with a thud. But that gave Cas the opportunity to wrench the gun out of the vampire’s weakened grasp, and he tossed it aside, making it skitter harmlessly across the floor into a dark corner of the warehouse.

Red bloomed through the top of Cas’s trench coat on his left shoulder.

“Cas!” Dean warned, finally scrambling to his feet just as the vampire grabbed Cas and threw him down with a hiss onto the dusty, blood-spattered floor.

The vampire loomed over him with an open mouth full of needle-sharp teeth just as Cas sat up with a grunt and threw up his hand with his palm out. Dean recognised the gesture, and he immediately braced himself for the blinding light of Cas’s angelic smitey powers, but only a faint sputtering glow emerged from his hand.

After a moment, where Cas stared at his hand in confusion, the vampire hissed and lunged.

He never got any further.

Dean’s machete swung in a clean shining arc through the vampire’s neck, and he collapsed in a heap like a puppet with cut strings. The spray of blood caught Cas, smattering his face and hair with even more crimson alongside what currently trickled out of his nose and soaked his shoulder.

Dean groaned in relief and threw the machete to the concrete floor with a clang. “Definitely the last one,” he declared with a deep breath. “Damn that got close for a second there. Come on, up you get.” Dean offered out a hand to help Cas, but he pushed himself up with a groan instead, pointedly not looking at the hand as if he hadn’t noticed it.

Dean tried to shrug it off again, just like he had all the other times that Cas refused to touch him recently, but he could feel the hurt burning in his throat and behind his eyes. He clenched his fist so tightly it almost hurt as he returned it to his side.

“You okay?” Dean asked instead with a frown, thinking of the gunshots, and noticing the blood stain on Cas’s shoulder increasing in size.

“Yes. The first bullet got me, but the second bullet missed. I think it went clean through. Didn’t hit anything vital.” Cas touched his shoulder and winced, then observed Dean – his blue eyes raking him up and down from head to foot. “What about you? Are you hurt?”

Dean shook his head, the mixture of hurt and concern and happiness at the closest attention he’d got from Cas in weeks making his words come out harsher than he intended when he snapped, “Nope. My bullet-proof friend pushed me out of the way, and then revealed that he’s not so bullet-proof today.”

Cas smiled ruefully. “Ah. Yes. Looks that way.” He dusted his trench coat off as best he could and lifted an arm to wipe his sleeve across his nose – though he only succeeded in smearing the dust and blood around. He closed his eyes and rubbed again.

Dean pushed down his confusing cocktail of emotions, like he always did, and forced on a smile. “You’re just making it worse, buddy. Why’s killing vamps always such a bloody job?” He reached over without thinking, while Cas was still rubbing at his nose. “Nose doesn’t look broken at least, but your shoulder’s probably gonna need stitches while you’re low on power like this.”

Dean’s fingers had barely even grazed the fabric on Cas’s shoulder before Cas flinched back violently.

The lights in the warehouse groaned and buzzed as they flickered and dimmed, and then just as quickly returned to normal.

Cas’s eyes were wide as he took another step back.

Dean felt all his confusion sharpen into a frustrated stab of white-hot anger. He gestured violently at the ceiling. “Okay. Y’know what. That’s it. Let’s talk. What the hell is going on with you, Cas? Why have you been avoiding me? What’s the deal with the lights?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Nothing you need to know about.”

“Nothing I- are you even hearing yourself right now? You’re really gonna admit to keeping secrets again after everything we’ve been through? And- hey, what’s up with your face? What are you doing?”

Cas had screwed his eyes together so tight that it pinched his whole expression. “Concentrating.”

“On what? This conversation that you’re trying not to be in?”

“On using my Grace to heal my shoulder and clean all of this off, but it’s not…” Cas gritted his teeth and opened his eyes. They glowed faintly. “It’s not working.”

Dean took a deep breath and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Shit, Cas. You know you’re low on power right now, you really want to use up what little juice you got left before you get chance to recharge? The motel’s only twenty minutes away.” He scowled. “You can even sit in the back. Far away from me, like you want.”

Dean didn’t wait for a response, he turned, reached down for his abandoned machete, and stalked back to Baby.

By the time Cas finally got into the car – in the back – Dean had already texted Sam to tell him that the nest had been cleared out and they would be spending the night at the motel.

They’d be back at the bunker tomorrow, and then Cas could keep avoiding him like before. Or maybe he’d finally just admit that he wanted to leave… and he’d go. The thought made Dean clench the steering wheel with a grip that made his knuckles white.

He couldn’t imagine his life without Cas in it.

The ride to the motel was tense and silent except for Baby’s engine that Dean pushed harder than he should. (The twenty-minute ride only took them ten. Cas didn’t comment on it.)

As soon as they were through the door Dean toed off his shoes, flicked on all the lights, and went to wash his hands in the bathroom. He didn’t look back to see what Cas was doing. It was none of his business. If he didn’t want to talk about it, then what did he care. (He tried to tell himself, even as the ache in his chest pounded and felt cavernous.)

Dean splashed some water on his face and gripped the sides of the grubby sink. Water plinked pink from his chin into the chipped basin, as the vampire blood washed away down the plughole.

After a deep breath Dean grabbed a towel and rubbed it over his face, careful not to inhale at the same time – he’d learned a long time ago that it was best not to know what motel towels smelt like – and reached for the first aid kit he always left in the bathroom when they went on hunts.

Sufficiently calmed down, and feeling less like his heart was caught in the vice grip of a homicidal ghost, Dean turned and emerged back into the main room. He froze mid-step at what he saw: Cas had his head in his hands, perched on the edge of his bed, while the blood stains from his bullet wound were soaking through his coat down his arm. He hunched over with his elbows resting on his knees, and there seemed to be a particularly troubled tenseness to the set of his shoulders. Even more than usual. Despite their strained relationship recently, it cut Dean deeply to see him like that – so clearly suffering and so human.

Dean sat heavily onto his own bed opposite Cas. The old springs creaked loudly and protested at the sudden weight. “Alright. Coat off.”

Cas startled and snapped his head up. The lamp beside his bed flickered weakly. “What?”

Dean’s usual enthusiasm for the phenomenon of the flickering lights wasn’t his priority this time, and he pushed his curiosity aside. “Stitches,” Dean said simply, brandishing the first aid kit.

“I don’t need them,” Cas grumbled, looking away. “Once my Grace has recharged enough it will heal on its own.”

“Oh okay, so you’re just going to wait and see if your mojo recharges faster than you bleed? And you’re, what, expecting me to just sit here while we find out? Because I am not okay with that.”

“Yes.”

“Cas. Just let me put some damn stitches in your damn shoulder.”

“No.” The muscles in Cas’s jawline clenched.

Dean scowled as he ran a hand through his hair. It was sticky and matted with drying blood, but that was nothing new. “Let me put it this way. You either take off your coat and shirt willingly, or I will tackle you to that bed and remove them myself” – the lamp flickered again – “so help me God, don’t think that I won’t. Your choice.” Dean had his eyes locked on Cas’s narrowed ones. “I will not let you suffer when I can do something about it. Yeah, you might heal it up yourself in an hour or two, but I’m not going to sit here watching you bleeding and in pain, when I can help. Don’t ask me to.”

“Dean… This is just… It’s a bad idea.”

“A bad idea? To stop you from bleeding out? C’mon man, you’re always healing me up after hunts, let me repay the favor for once. Besides, you took the shot meant for me – it should be me sitting there with the bullet hole.”

Cas went suddenly pale, and his eyebrows drew together in a serious line. “If it were, I would use up whatever Grace I had left to heal you.”

Oh.

Dean blinked in surprise.

Huh. But Cas had been avoiding him so much lately... He’d assumed he didn’t care anymore. “Uh,” Dean faltered, “no, that wouldn’t be okay either. I wouldn’t want that. But maybe I should teach you some basic first aid now that your mojo gets patchy sometimes.” He shook his head. That would require them to be in the same room for more than five minutes. Stupid suggestion. “Look, if you’d want to heal me that badly if we were swapped over here, that’s what I want to do to you right now, get it?”

“I um. I think so.” The line between Cas’s eyebrows grew deeper. “It’s fine now anyway. It barely hurts,” he lied, gripping his shoulder tightly.

“Sure. Okay, Black Knight.”

Cas squinted.

“The Black Knight – ‘‘tis but a flesh wound’? Guess you didn’t get Monty Python in the pop-culture upload. We’ll add it to the list we-” But Dean remembered that they didn’t watch movies together anymore. “Doesn’t matter. Just take your damn coat off, you stubborn son of a bitch.”

That finally cracked a smile onto Cas’s pale face. His lips twitched and the corners of his eyes crinkled endearingly.

Dean felt a strong flare of affection at seeing Cas’s smile, after seeing him looking so defeated before, that it immediately softened all of Dean’s concern-masked-as-irritation and he found himself smiling back. He’d missed this. So damn much.

“I’ll patch you up,” Dean said gently, “then you get dibs on the first shower, since you’re the one covered in the most blood. Winchester tradition.”

“I don’t need-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you can just magic your mess away when your power’s back on, but you’re really just gonna sit here like that until then?”

Cas looked down at himself. “You have a point.”

“Always do. Looks like you’ll just have to enjoy shitty motel water pressure like the rest of us.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows. “And going first means you get the hottest water.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said.

“Then we can both go to sleep so you can recharge your batteries. You can sleep when you’re like this, right? But stitches first. After that there’ll be no touching involved,” Dean added, before he could stop himself. As much as he enjoyed talking to Cas again, it only served as a depressing reminder that they weren’t like this anymore. He gave a sad, weak little laugh, and even he could hear the pain in his voice when he said, “Y’don’t even have to look at me.”

Cas immediately slid off his bed with a rustle, and he was on his knees in front of Dean in the time it took for him to open his mouth to ask what was happening. His eyes shined wetly in the dingy motel room lighting as he gazed up intensely – vulnerable and raw – into Dean’s eyes. “Dean, no. This wasn’t supposed to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you,” Cas said in a voice thick with emotion. “Doing this – distancing myself… It was supposed to make things better, but it… only made everything worse. I hate being apart from you. I hate it. This wasn’t- it’s not- it’s not your fault.” He spoke haltingly, like he was struggling. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I- I don’t know how to explain-”

They were closer than they had been in weeks, and yet Dean could still feel the distance. His heart sunk. “This is starting to feel a whole lot like the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, man.”

Cas scrunched his face up, and Dean knew he was trying to think of a way to say what he meant. He wondered if Angels weren’t very big talkers in their true forms. It was reminiscent of when they first met, and how Cas used to struggle with sarcasm and slang.

Cas already told him once that he’d only started to feel real, strong emotions (Dean called them his Real Boy Feelings) since rescuing him from Hell, so it made sense that he still struggled sometimes. And anyway, Dean had been human his whole life and it wasn’t like he was much better at the whole sharing your feelings crap.

Cas finally looked up through his lashes at him – his expression wary. “Hold out your hand, Dean.”

“What?”

“Hold out your hand, please. I can show you what’s been going on.”

---- Read the rest on AO3 ----

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

what are your thoughts on samruby?

thank you for sending this! and OH BOY i wrote a lot. i'm so sorry. i'm putting it under a cut for everyone's sanity.

see, the thing about samruby to me is the religiosity of it all. it's about a victim unknowingly initiated into a cult. it's about a holy lamb being raised for slaughter.

firstly i can't discuss it without spilling my guts over ruby as a character!! i saw a meta the other day (and i wish i'd reblogged it bc i can't find it again) calling ruby the most devout character in supernatural. and they're right! she is! her arc is about devotion and keeping faith. she's a direct narrative foil to cas, who falls down the path of doubt and experiences a crisis of faith. For ruby, her god is lucifer, and she'll accept all persecution and undergo every trial she has to in order to fulfil her mission as his servant. and she does! she succeeds up to her death! (whereas cas fails, and lives)

she doesn't see grooming and manipulating sam as an act of corruption. it's about purification. (and we all know how sam feels about purity, aha) for ruby, the demon blood drinking is a matter of cleansing sam of human imperfection, for the purposes of presenting lucifer his ideal vessel. because the thing about sam is that he's a liminal figure. he's as human as he is monstrous - and from a demonic perspective, wouldn't his humanness be considered the infection?

the way ruby preys on sam also has a definite maternal tilt to it. from as early as s3 (like the way she says 'that's my boy!' to him in 3x04? like dean does in 1x11?). she calls him 'sammy' in a way that mirrors dean, but also evokes maternal warmth. just as dean in season 1 functions as a protector and guide for sam when he brings him back into the hunting fold, ruby does so for sam in dean's absence. sam's grief and vulnerability presents her an opportunity to take on the role of carer and mentor. she'll teach him how to use his powers! she'll guide him in what he needs to do, while he's so lost in his own suffering. sure she provides warmth and affection - but more importantly, she directs sam towards a mission, a cause for good.

she's an incredible character to pair off with sam, a character full of hope and belief that his faith might amount to something (i'm thinking of the start of s11 here - sam desperate to believe his prayers are being answered by god. only to discover it was lucifer all along) he wants to be like joan of arc - he wants the voice of heaven commanding and guiding him along a path of heroism. it's his hope and faith that make him vulnerable.

ruby takes on sam like she's a cult recruiter preying on a victim! like if you go through the stages of cult indoctrination: deception (check! she tricks him into breaking the final seal by killing lilith!), isolation (check! sam having to keep his activities w ruby a secret, driving a wedge between him and dean, eventuating in their separation), induced dependency (check! a blood addiction!). by the end of it, he's left abandoned by his loved ones, alone and entirely reliant on her and the purpose she's given him.

but luckily - sam is a character who hates being controlled above all else, so he does not have his Midsommar (2019) May Queen moment. even when he does let lucifer in, he does so as a sleeper agent. he holds onto his independent spirit to the end :")

tldr; ruby loves sam as a devotee loves their holy mission. sam begrudgingly accepts ruby, not as the divine guidance he wants, but the only one that'll speak to him.

[silver-wield]

Hmm I get your point now about the "Zack feelings" I really do, so thank you for this! But personally I don't equate it as soldier cloud having feelings 'himself' but that it's just as way to force him to go farther away from tifa. Which we literally have to do in the game, to get her affection stats up. Also, to place that in is to also amplify that CA is never a thing that has it's own entity, it's all built by the illusion of ZA, which aerith is suffering from as well. Only idiots which they are, will be happy for such a lie, and at that point it's easier to just show zack and be done with it. I really don't get the appeal of it, because we have telenovelas where, for example a heart transplant is made and you fell in love with the one who the original owner loves but you love someone else already. In the end, the mc just forces himself to see what's real and like servers his ties with the owner's underlying wishes had he lived. He is not this person and he is only in love with his first love. Aka not real.

You see I'm trying to wrap my head around her resolution scene about something not being real. And I did find a cloti who insisted, that soldier cloud is incapable of falling in love because his affections, his ability to love is locked within the lifestream, that is for tifa only. Now, so whatever romantic feelings he may have, any sort of "falling in love" feeling he may have for her, is not love , but just 'attraction'. So it isn't real. But this is where it becomes weird to me. So soldier cloud cannot love but he can feel attraction? So this is him feeling attraction for aerith... While shamelessly pinning for tifa at the same time? I assume this is for the fans who want to get her hence the "even IF" and not "even THOUGH" because not everyone will favor her after all in they playthrough. But it gives precedent that if jenova, us the players favoured her.. that would mean soldier cloud is capable of being attracted to her in his soldier cloud way without the interference of 'zack', hence still felt by his own feelings but not to the extent of real cloud's?

This doesn't make sense to me because in part 1, it's very evident that he is not attracted to aerith in any shape or form. But it is built up that he is very much so with tifa. So the 'attraction' part just makes me go huh? In this theory. Doesn't paint him in a good light even if it's not his fault, but the player's.

I suppose im just finding a way to see if cloud, despite being forced by the player to do things, will not waver ever. After all affection points show the character chosen's affection for you, but not necessarily the mc himself.

I hope I made sense, I hope I'm not annoying. I've seen some really believe in this cloti's theory and it just sends weird vibes to me, so in short it forces me to just believe that soldier cloud is fickle in nature but this isn't real cloud anyway. Real cloud is loyal to tifa. Hmm... It would be great if this is evidently clear but still it seems as though it hints a disgusting possibility that had cloud been complete and never broken? Maybe he would be attracted to her because he did when he was broken, but it's just that tifa came first so it cannot be. I hate it, so this is why I don't like this theory I keep on seeing. I just don't see cloud have a thing for women who mess with his boundaries as shown with almost all the females in the game. Tifa is the only different one on purpose.

English isn't my first language so saying all of these across was difficult but I hope I made sense. I still think there's more that can expand on this part of soldier cloud in general though. It's pointless for me to find a direct answer for everything now anyway, so I'll just wait. I just don't want 'any implication' that aerith had a chance in any way, because Tifa deserves better than be another choice unlike how cloud is 'the one' for her alone. Strict, I know.. but I don't care.

Okay it's not that soldier Cloud has his own set of separate feelings, it's that Cloud has feelings, but some are neutered by jenova so it's like he gets a diluted version of them. There's also Sephiroth manipulating him for his own purposes, so he's under this constant state of mental assault.

Cloud loves Tifa. It's the core of his entire being. Everything he ever did was to be worthy of her in hopes that she'd fall in love with him. That core can't be removed. We see what happens in OG when Cloud loses Tifa's trust. He pretty much falls apart and goes full black cloak doing Sephiroth's bidding. That's why Seph wants to keep Cloud on edge around Tifa. The less close they are the more control he has, but jenova hates Aerith. She hates cetra because they purify the planet's energy and her goal is to rot it from the inside and use it as a ride to the next planet so she can repeat the process. That's why Aerith has to die from Jenova's pov. But Sephiroth is using Aerith to force Cloud to keep his distance from Tifa because around Aerith he is more distant from his true feelings.

At no point does Aerith stand a chance with Cloud because Cloud's true feelings for Tifa always exist, even if he can't fully reach them all the time. When he's around Tifa he becomes closer to his true self, but he won't be himself until the lifestream scene.

[deanstudies101]

4x10, Heaven and Hell

[mid-season finale]

Critical theory: Doubt, disobedience. Fathers. Secrets and confessions pt. 2 [Dean]. The handprint <3 Perfectly normal reactions. 

Discussion point/question(s): What do we think about the heaven/hell positioning of Sam and Dean? 

Key quotes: Dean, “How I feel… This… inside me… I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.” 

Further reading: 

Perfectly normal reaction to seeing your buddy kiss a girl (@bloodydeanwinchester)

Discussion: 

[I love the one perfect tear as much as the next man, but. Damn I love to see Dean sobbing.]

John is God confirmed. 

Dean wants to be an angel—Anna says angels can’t feel anything. She wants to be human, to feel. He wishes he couldn’t feel anything. 

Dean/Anna, the handprint, destiel. Iga, “This is just a loaf of bread.” Me, “Buddy, this is nothing. We’re just preheating the oven.”* 

[I looked up when Cas was supposed to leave.] [They gave a lot of Anna’s stuff to Cas. Dean and Anna just fucked on screen. So.] So obviously Dean and Anna would’ve had significant romance. And they took her out of the show and replaced her with Cas. And then… Well. [I think certain plotlines, ie. the finale, would’ve been less impactful if it had been Anna. We’ll discuss.] Did Jensen have a say in this character switch, was it partially because of their chemistry? 

[We’ve discussed that demons are camp. I mentioned in the episode that angels are homophobic.] It’s giving disney villain. Was flamboyant demons an acting or writing choice? Was homophobic angels a response to this? Iga, always imagined demons as very emotional, very chaotic (Vampire Diaries vampires, bpd), and angels as stoic, not giving a shit about humans etc. And this… is kinda that? [I’m talking about Paradise Lost, of course. Lucifer is emotional, emotionally driven, persuasive etc. He convinced a whole chunk of the host of heaven to fall.] They have to be like that for it to make sense! 

We’re seeing how humans become demons. They get tortured until they break and start to torture, and we can assume that leads them to becoming demons… so what happened with Lucifer? Did he fall, become human, and then go through this process? Or did he go straight to hell, and go insane because he was alone? [I just read them Paradise Lost Book 1 242-263 aka my favourite bit.] 

Ruby is a real one. She literally put herself through torture for that plan. They love the alliance, the relationship between her and Dean. A lot of feelings

Ruby understands Dean in a way that Sam doesn't. They exchange looks that Sam doesn’t get. He doesn’t feel the need to put up the protective wall, to protect her. He doesn’t need to parent her. And she sees him. And maybe Dean sees her in a way Sam doesn’t, they’ve both had the hell experience, and maybe he respects the fact that she would’ve been in hell much longer than he was. Iga, “Sam doesn’t see Dean and never will, because Dean is his mummy.” And this isn’t an attack on Sam, he’s religious and has a lot of guilt about himself and him and Ruby, and now he knows the angels kinda sucks maybe he’s looking for something to fight for. He sees demons as evil—he trusts her and doesn’t consciously see her as evil—but he does see demons this way, so he has a lot of shame. 

Re: the sex scene. Dean is intimate and soft and… always on the bottom. 

Julio, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but if Sam is the antichrist, Dean is the new Jesus. He’s destined to go to heaven. He masks it in his dedication to his job, but he is sad at the state of the world, and mourns what is going on. Ying to Sam’s yang, which makes him the new Jesus, which is why he has to be kept alive, because that is his purpose. Kai’s addition, Jesus doesn’t have a good time on earth. He suffers. He dies on a cross because God told him to. Deancore. Julio again, Dean has all the elements to be Jesus. 

Anna, even as a two-year old human, was terrified of God. She was convinced he would kill her—and eventually the angel’s orders were to kill her. The demons love Lucifer, they’re excited for him to rise, they worship him in a “chill Christian kinda way.” That’s embarrassing for the angels actually. How is God the good guy? He’s not. He’s a dick. Even outside of the ~they just obey, they follow orders, kill humans, kill their own kind. This child was so scared of her father. [I would like to add, though. A lot of demons didn’t believe Lucifer really existed, he was ~just a story told in demon Sunday school. Whereas the angels truly believe all their orders are coming from God. Does that change things? Is it not easier to love something whose presence you don’t feel as much?] If you know someone better, you see their flaws more.  If Lucifer is just an ideal in their minds, they can project on him. However, it seems like Lilith knows Lucifer in some way? And she’s terrifying. So. Not a good reflection on Lucifer.

Re: heaven/hell positioning. Kind of on the nose. Can’t infer much from it literally, Sam having demon blood, Dean saved from hell, Dena is Sam’s guardian, he fucked an angel. Julio, “angels have an affinity for Dean.” Demons have plans for Sam, angels have plans for Dean. But, before the angels and demons got this involved, Sam was the pious one, Dean was the ‘sinful’ one. So a nice reverse. 

[Cas is autistic. He just stands there like (does the Kubrick stare)] Julio, I feel like he’s not really looking in the eyes though. [The thing is, often when he’s talking to people he’s like. Looking around. But with Dean it’s. Full on intense eye contact. Obsessed.]

Mid-season finale—finale predictions. Iga, Angels will be in the finale. Something about Dean’s time in hell, losing touch with his humanity, he doesn’t want to feel anything, he was transitioning into a demon. Kai, Big clash between heaven and hell. Lucifer is gonna get out, and now God is back too. Lucifer and God have some kind of face off. Julio, Sam and Dean need some time apart, they’re going in different directions. Kai, ohh, maybe Sam and Dean fight each other. Iga, Sam, or someone, comes up with a plan to make both sides fight each other again. Maybe Dean has to choose between his brother and someone else to save. Kai, Dean 1v1 Lucifer. Iga, Ruby gets in a predicament, and they have to sacrifice something to save her. Kai, maybe Dean has to die again… following the Jesus route. Iga, no, it’s Sam’s turn, he’s demon Jesus, and he gets reborn slightly more demon. But we’ve already done ‘came back wrong’. 

Star student: Julio, antichrist/Jesus analysis. Also commented mid-episode that maybe Sam’s powers come from drinking Ruby’s blood. This was ignored by everyone. Good job king. [Iga is annoyed by this because apaprently she knew but didn't say it because it felt too obvious.]

Notes: Visiting student Julio. 

*the trail of breadcrumbs is just entire loaves of bread / "the bread we made on supernatural" post (@tiktaalic), which I reference almost daily with lines such as "there's no such thing as bread" and "wouldn't it be crazy if bread was real" etc. etc. a very common tag on my main

[firecoloredwater]

Fic authors self rec!

Oh boy I've been tagged twice now, by @planeoftheeclectic and @denialcity. Thank you both!

(And uh, since I somehow didn't actually get notifications for either of those and just noticed while scrolling, if anyone else has tagged me in... anything, really, and I didn't respond, sorry about that! Tumblr is being tumblr apparently.)

Rules: Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass this onto other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

Going to tag uhhhh @domoz @asukaskerian and uhhh what's a people I've never met a people in my life. what's a tag. I'll go shake discord a bit and come back with more tags in a reblog probably.

Fics!

These are... not in any particular order of preference, I will just make question marks for a year if I try to sort them that way, so this is just the order I grabbed the links in. Which means newest to oldest.

1: Roots Grow Up - Naruto (Founders)

I still don't like the title, but I like basically everything else in this fic (including one detail I've decided on but not posted yet so... can't say). I am planning to add more, but the first chapter (which is all that's posted now) stands alone pretty well, since I wasn't sure whether I'd continue it at all when I first posted it.

The premise is that Kawarama didn't die, but instead lost his memory and has been living as a civilian farmer when Hashirama and Tobirama find him, a few years after founding Konoha. 0 people were prepared for this discovery.

Summary:

It's been fifteen years since Isamu was found, badly injured and unconscious in the forest. He woke up with amnesia, but his origin was pretty obvious, so he doesn't even miss the memories. It's been fifteen years. He's grown up, earned a place in the town that took him in, and even gotten married. His not-so-mysterious past doesn't matter. Not until shinobi wander into town, anyway.

2: Blessed Sacrifice AU - Naruto (Founders)

Cowritten with @codedredalert aka @denialcity, on hiatus while we both deal with Life, but there's a large and excellent chunk up already and so many cool things planned. So many!!!

Also, turns out I REALLY LIKE cowriting. Which is kind of old news because I've been doing forum RP for a decade+, but I wasn't sure if that would translate to fic. Turns out the answer is definitely yes.

BSAU is basically taking the "red eyes blessed" trope and digging into the like... worldbuilding repercussions of that, as shown through Izuna. And also crows.

Also comes with LOTS of fantastic art from Red!

Summary:

Mythology-religion freeform AU where Tobirama is considered blessed by the gods by the Uchiha, but they still need to deal with him as an enemy, so Izuna is ritually disowned from the Uchiha and given a special role responsible for protecting/fighting him.

3: Somebody Else's Dream - Girl Genius

Written as a gift for khilari! I can't remember what the exact prompt was, but I ended up writing an elaboration on the canon detail that Mechanicsburg was founded when a Heterodyne decided he wanted a town, so he just had his people build one.

The main character is an OC who was kidnapped to become a non-military member of the town, and the story is about how he ends up settling in. It's a very weird balance of a "finding your place in the world" story and "this is still kidnapping actually," and I don't think it would work in most fandoms, but since Girl Genius canon is a perpetual balance of heartwarming and "wow that is somehow worse than a war crime" already, I think it worked out really well, and I'm still very proud of it.

Also I suffered over the accents in this. But it worked!

Summary:

Faustus Heterodyne wants civilians for his newly built town. What the civilians want is generally different.

4: Jager Search - Girl Genius

Also written as a gift, this time for sparkagatha. It's the future, *vague handwave* everything is resolved, the OT3 are together and Klaus has accepted that he can leave Agatha alone and the revenants are being cured, happily ever after.

...except that some of the "wild" jagers are still missing. So Agatha sets out to find them.

Not much to say really; I can see spots where I'd write it differently if I wrote it now, but that's mostly things like "would have slightly changed the characterization," not big issues, and overall it still holds up very well for being... close to eight years old.

Summary:

Most of the detached jägers heard of the Heterodyne's return and came home, but a few are still missing. Agatha learns this, and decides to fix it.

5: Didn't Dream This - Death Note

Oh if I wrote this now tumblr would annihilate me. ~Problematic~ yay!

I'm not sure I'd say this is a good fic--if I was writing it now I'd write it so differently that it just would be a different fic--but I was clearly working out something about sexuality and relationships and the stuff (not) in my head that I've ended up labeling "being aro."

Basically: Mello and Matt are straight, and they decide to be together anyway. I'm glad I wrote it, partly because I know I wouldn't think or dare to write it now.

Summary:

Mello doesn't want to die alone. Solutions can exist without working out the way anyone wants. (Psychologically intimate interaction is really a better description than romance.)

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Lessons In Love ~ 4

LESSONS IN LOVE MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 2,430ish

Summary: Padme and Anakin hatch a plan.

Notes: I ended up making it less angsty because you all don’t need to suffer as I do.

Due to a virtual meeting you had to attend, you found yourself at the school earlier than usual but thankfully Padme had to be there for the meeting as well. You and Padme were currently in your room, your computer playing the meeting that you were supposed to be listening to. Instead, Padme had just asked you to go out for drinks tonight.

“I don’t know, Padme,” you shook your head, weary of your friend’s offer. “What if I don’t feel good or if something happens that triggers a flare-up? I think I’m just going to stay at home.”

“Come on, Y/N, you need a break,” Padme responded. “It would just be out to a chill bar, not a club or anything too hardcore. We both—especially you—need to relax. It’s Friday. You can sleep the rest of the weekend.”

“I’ll think about it, alright? I need to see how today goes.”

Padme nodded. “So, is Obi-Wan bringing you lunch again today?”

You shrugged slightly. “He has for the past two days. I’d be surprised if it’s any different today.”

“Will you start believing that he likes you? Who would make lunches for someone they don’t have feelings for?”

You sighed. “It doesn’t matter if Obi-Wan has feelings for me or not, Padme. He’s here now but if we were to start something and he found out the truth about all my problems, he would leave like everyone else has.”

“Obi-Wan is different.”

“I always think that at the beginning too… but they’re all the same.”

~~~

“So, I was thinking that we could go out to drinks tonight,” Anakin said as he walked up to Obi-Wan in the faculty room.

“What?” Obi-Wan questioned as he placed the lunches for himself and you in the fridge.

“You, me, out at a bar. Boys night. What do you say?”

Obi-Wan thought for a moment, shutting the fridge door and turning around. Anakin’s eyes shone with mischief that Obi-Wan should be more worried about than he actually was. But he knew Anakin well enough to know that the mischief never came out of a place of hatred. It was always a place of love and trying to get Obi-Wan out of his normal routine.

“Sure,” Obi-Wan caved in, knowing that Anakin wasn’t going to let it go if he didn’t. 

“Well, that was easier than I thought it would be,” Anakin admitted.

“Yeah, well, you caught me on a good day.”

“Oh yeah?” Anakin smirked, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned on one of the tables in the faculty room. “Let me guess, Y/N has something to do with your good day?”

“Perhaps.”

“You made her lunch again?”

“It’s something I can do to help ease her burden. She has a hard class and is clearly going through something in her personal life.”

“It’s also a way you can show her you care without actually manning up and telling her.”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan sighed. “Can we not do this right now? You can ring me out about my feelings over a drink tonight, alright?”

“I’ll definitely be taking you up on that.”

~~~

Unfortunately, you weren’t able to see Obi-Wan before lunch, which made you sadder than you thought it would. When lunch finally came around, you were tired because of your students. It hadn’t been too bad of a day, but it was still a struggle. Obi-Wan was basically ready and waiting at your door with the containers of food. You smiled at him as he shut the door after the last student headed out for recess.

“You know, you could just leave a note on the container in the fridge for me to find,” you suggested. “You don’t have to spend half of your lunchtime waiting for it to be mine also before you eat.”

“I can do that if you’d really like,” Obi-Wan said as he walked over to the table the two of you usually sat at. “I just don’t like the thought of you eating alone.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest. Why was this man making your feelings grow for him more and more? It was impossible at this point not to just love him. Your heart longed to show him—tell him—how much you cared, but the barriers you had placed around your heart were too thick and tall.

“How has your day been?” Obi-Wan wondered as he began to pull the lids off of the containers.

“It hasn’t been too terrible,” you replied, sitting down. 

“But clearly not that great.”

“And how do you know that?”

“The way you hold yourself, like you have the weight of the world on you.”

You were taken back that Obi-Wan could so easily tell that about you. “Aren’t you observant?”

“I hope you like lunch today. Made it, especially for you.” 

Obi-Wan smirked as you rolled your eyes at him, with a small scoff falling from your turned-up lips. Something happened in that second as he purposefully tried to make you smile, he could see the tension in your body start to melt away. You may not have noticed but Obi-Wan easily did. He could read you better than you thought, which is why he could tell your hand was bugging you. The way you seemed to carefully grab the fork he had set out for you, not before you clenched and unclenched your hand. It was shaking slightly.

“Are you alright?” He asked, eyes flicking down to your hand for a brief moment.

You glanced down at your shaking hand and held the fork tighter to try and calm it down. “I’m fine,” you replied, quickly smiling at him. The way Obi-Wan’s brows pinched together, you knew he wasn’t believing you. “I’m just tired. Didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.” You shrugged, taking a bite of the food. You almost moaned due to how delicious it was. It was quickly becoming clear to you that Obi-Wan was an amazing cook. “This is amazing, Obi. You are an incredible cook.”

Obi-Wan simply stared at you in a way that you couldn’t read. For some reason, his brain short-circuited when you called him ‘Obi’. It was a very simple thing, but you hadn’t ever just called him by the first part of his name. You quickly grew concerned by his response.

“Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan,” you called until he pulled himself out of whatever trance he seemed to be in. “Are you alright? Was it something I said?”

He quickly shook his head. “No, of course not,” he replied. His eyes found the clock behind you. “I’ve got to go.” Standing up, he grabbed the container he was eating from and his utensils. 

“Oh, yeah, of course.” You deflated, not liking how off this all suddenly felt.

“Talk to you after school?”

You nodded, focusing on the food in front of you. Obi-Wan wished he could stay, he could feel the tension that had settled over the two of you. He sighed as he unwillingly left to go get his students.

The rest of the day wasn’t too terrible, but it also wasn’t the greatest. You quickly told Padme that you would go get a drink with her tonight before leaving the school without talking to Obi-Wan. He caught a glimpse of you leaving through his window and he sighed. He definitely needed a drink tonight.

~~~

You decided to dress yourself up a little bit, trying to help yourself feel good. Padme picked you up and drove the two of you to the bar. You both found a seat at the bar and ordered drinks as you chatted and complained about school.

“Let’s stop talking about work for a second,” you said as you set down an empty glass, having all too easily finished your drink. “Let’s talk about you and Anakin. How is that going?”

Padme began to blush as she got a dreamy look in her eye. “It’s going really well,” she responded.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like he is so sweet and caring and kind. He’s a fighter, for what he believes in and for me.”

“That’s so good, Padme. I’m so happy for you.”

“You know, you do have someone who would happily do the same for you… make you happy and take care of you.”

You looked away, staying still for a long moment before speaking up. “Yes, I think… I think I’m beginning to see that but I can’t get my heart broken again.”

“You don’t know if you will. Obi-Wan is different.”

You gave her an unbelieving look. “They all start out different, even the best of them.”

“Y/N, they weren’t truly the best if they didn’t stay that way. You deserve someone who will love you and take care of you—in all your struggles. I think Obi-Wan could be that someone.”

You sighed. “I—“

“Well look who it is,” Anakin’s voice interrupted you. 

You and Padme turned to see him and Obi-Wan making their way towards you. You gave Padme an unimpressed look, knowing that she had something to do with this, before looking back at Obi-Wan. He was clearly thrown off guard and not very pleased with this. Maybe he really didn’t care as much as Padme swore he did. You were grateful that the bar tender showed up and replaced your drink. You quickly picked it up.

“We didn’t know you two would be here,” Anakin continued.

“Sure you didn’t,” you muttered into your glass before taking a sip.

“Hello, Ani,” Padme smiled sweetly at her boyfriend.

“Hello,” he responded with a matching smile before kissing her lips briefly. He turned to face you after the pulled apart. “Nice to see you as well, Y/N.”

You pressed out a smile as you gave him a nod and lifted your glass. Turning back to Obi-Wan, you have him a nod as well.

“Obi-Wan,” you greeted.

“Hello, there,” Obi-Wan smiled.

Obi-Wan feared that he was giving you the wrong vibe. He had been slightly caught off guard upon seeing you at the bar. You were dressed so radiantly. He had only ever seen you in “work” attire. But there you sat at the bar, shinning like stardust that sparkled across the sky. Obi-Wan was honestly at a loss of words.

You noticed Anakin whispering something Padme before helping her off her bar stool. Obi-Wan and yourself immediately knew that they had a plan in place that they were completing.

“Where are you two going?” You asked.

“Oh, we’ll be back,” Anakin smirked. 

Padme gave you an apologetic smile as Anakin pulled her away to the another side of the room. You shook your head as you took another sip. Obi-Wan glared at Anakin before taking Padme’s spot at the bar.

“Let me guess,” you began, “Anakin convinced you to come out for drinks tonight?”

Obi-Wan nodded. “Yes. And is it safe to assume that Padme did the same with you?”

“Oh yeah. This was clearly planned.”

“Knowing those two, oh yes.” Obi-Wan waved down the bar tender, ordered himself a drink, and then a reorder of yours. He turned his focus back to you as the bar tender out busy. “How was the rest of your day after lunch?”

“It was okay. Not too terrible.”

“That’s good.” 

“How was yours?”

“Same. Not too terrible.” 

“That’s good.” 

You nodded as an awkward silence fell between the two of you. You were grateful when the bar tender pushed the drinks in front of you because yours had just ran out and you were going to need another if it was going to be this awkward.

“I feel the need to tell you how beautiful you look tonight,” Obi-Wan so easily told you. You almost choked on your drink as your head snapped to look at him with such surprise. “Like stardust, shinning around the room.”

“You don’t mean that,” you said quietly, looking away.

Obi-Wan watched as you almost shrunk into yourself. It made him wonder when the last time someone gave you a compliment for how you looked. In his eyes, you were always so beautiful and now he knew that he needed to vocalize it more.

“Why yes I do,” he said with such conviction. 

He reached over and set a gentle hand upon your arm. Your eyes flicked from his hand to his eyes. The blue of his eyes were trying so hard to make sure that you could see the truth behind his words.

“Thank you,” you whispered sheepishly.

Obi-Wan gave you a soft smile as his thumb rubbed against your arm. “Of course, stardust.”

“Stardust? Is that supposed to be my nickname?”

“I can change it if you’d like. Or just not—not give you one.”

“No, it’s okay. I think that it can grow on me.”

~~~

It quickly began clear to the both of you that Anakin and Padme had left you. Though to two of you quickly didn’t care. It was fun, just enjoying your time drinking and talking with Obi-Wan. When the time came to go, Obi-Wan refused to let you call for a ride home and insisted on taking you home himself. He really didn’t need to convince you, you just enjoyed watching him be so insistent. Obi-Wan guided you to his car, opening the door for you and helping you in before getting into the drivers seat. You told him the address to your apartment, which he repeated in his head over and over again to try and memorize it.

After pulling up to your apartment, Obi-Wan raced around to open your door and walk you into your building.

“Thank you, Obi, for the ride,” you said as you arrived at your door.

“Of course,” Obi-Wan replied. “Anytime.”

The two of you stopped in front of  your door. “I had fun tonight.”

“As did I.” The two of you stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. Obi-Wan cleared his throat. “Well, I better be going.” He went to turn away.

“Wait.” 

You placed your hand on his arm to stop him. An overwhelming amount of courage—most likely from the alcohol—came over you and you quickly placed your lips on top of Obi-Wan’s.

The kiss took Obi-Wan by surprise but he was quick to respond. His hands found your waist as yours stays on his arms. Sadly, nothing much happened in the kiss as you ended it almost as soon as you had started it.

“Goodnight, Obi,” you said, disappearing into your apartment.

“Goodnight, my stardust.”

next chapter >

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