#I just don't know how to jump in group conversations online anymore

[maverickcalf]

oh so i am just feeling bad all the time now huh

[sweetestlamb]

Let's Play A Love Game

Author's note: this one is rated 😈 so yeah. There was originally more angst in my mind but once I got to that part I was over it lol I'm the worst at angst I much rather make it naughty. It's more rushed than I wanted but I don't really have time to write 10k fics right now. But hopefully soon.

Summary: it's just pretend, right?

She hadn't meant to push the event in the corner of her mind until she forgot about it completely, so much so that when the e-vite showed up in her inbox she stared at it in wide eyed shock not even noticing Mi-Seon creeping up behind her.

"It's already time for that? I usually know it's coming because you start buying expensive dresses you can't afford and crying at your credit card bill. Maybe country life has really changed you hm?"

False. Inaccurate. Utterly wrong to the every core.

She lets out a shrill scream letting her head fall painfully on her desktop.

"I'm an idiot! Just kill me now, I deserve it." She has nothing to wear, okay the mountain of boxes in her living room, bedroom and some hidden in the linen closet beg to defer but none of that is worthy of this event. The annual dentist convention in Seoul, it's a week long getaway. It's meant to be an opportunity to build connections and attend professional learning classes, but that has long been abandoned. Now it is a fashion show and chance to show off your success and this year more than ever she has to impress everyone. They all look down on her and her cute little practice. Those judgemental snarky bitches.

"Do we have anymore patients?" She absently asks her best friend, only friend already getting up and walking away.

"No that was the last one. Do you want to call it a day?" She doesn't give a verbal reply lost in her phone and the disease that is online shopping, in the span of three minutes she has already added seven dresses to her cart.

"Chief Hong is going to have a long day."

It's just as Mi-seon says the next day the nosy know it all shows up glaring at her over the handful of packages in his arms.

"Don't tell me you're doing this again. What more could you possibly have to order? How much things does one woman need?" His voice is an air warmer than the last time they were in this very same position, but she tries not to think too hard about it. Their relationship is too confusing these days, as temperamental as the sea.

"Are delivery men allowed to complain this much when they're doing a job they are getting paid for?" She snarks back, snatching her packages from his arms with a huff. Ignoring the grin on his face as she disappears into her house.

"That better be all you order. I'm not coming back."

He comes back. At least six more trips, more boxes each time on the last day he doesn't simply leave after making his delivery.

"I'm coming in for tea because of you I've been working too hard." She squeaks indignantly as he pushes past her, their shoulders brushing in the tight space of the doorway.

She should wait until she doesn't have an audience but she's too impatient so while he's making the tea in her kitchen (so rude and intrusive), she starts to open a few boxes pulling out the contents. Dresses, blouses, shirts, hair accessories, lipsticks in all shades and hues, and of course shoes; heels, flats and everything in between.

"Your house looks like a department store." She jumps at his voice glancing up at him, almost laughing at the hedgehog mug that he's drinking out of that Mi-seon gave her as a joke. Leave it to him to pick the most ridiculous mug.

"Hurry up and go so I can try everything on." She starts to take the objects out and organize them, putting together possible outfits lazily.

"Why not have a fashion show?" He slurps loudly at the tea, sighing and smiling down at the warm beverage. Acting like he's never had tea before, such a plebian.

"A fashion show?"

"Yeah, model all that", he motions to the new boxes littering her bedroom floor, "and I'll let you know what looks good."

She scoffs, loudly looking at his lackluster outfit; a simple white tee tucked into dark cargo pants with suspenders.

"What do you know about fashion?" She replies meanly, despite the little voice in her mind that reminds her that while his outfits are more practical than fashionable there is something distracting about the way his shoulders fill out his shirts and the way his long legs sit in his pants.

He shrugs looking down at himself, "I'm the town handy man I have no need to look good. But I'm still a man I can tell you what I think looks good on a woman."

Oh. It's a nonchalant statement said with no real heat but the implications make her skin warm up, she's never once thought that he saw her as a woman; nor considered looking at him like a man. (Lies.)

"I--why woul--why?" She stutters through an answer, tongue heavy in her mouth. He looks back nonplussed, sitting down pointedly on her couch.

"Never took you for the shy kind. You growing bashful now Ms. Dentist?" His eyes twinkle with mischief and she knows that she's being played but she wants nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face. Slamming her room door, she pulls off her casual house clothes and grabs the first thing that catches her attention- a buttery yellow dress that grazes her knee, pairing them with white heels and a high messy bun. A swipe of lip tint completes the look and she confidently opens her room door.

Du-sik is staring aimlessly at his phone and doesn't notice her reappearance at first, so she coughs loudly folding her arms and when his eyes land on her, a chill runs down her spine at the look that lands on her body. It's been a long time since a man looked at her in this way, his eyes are undressing her even though he was the one who implored her to dress up in the first place. She hates it. At least she should hate it. But she can't ignore the satisfaction that washes over her at his dumbfounded look, that smug look obliterated by her very first look.

"Well?" She pushes harder, twirling to give him the full look. His gasp is loud behind her, she knows exactly why. The deep revealing plunge that travels all the way to the small of her back. There's no way she would wear this to the convention much too suggestive but that's her business.

"Wher-" his voice cracks and this time she can't contain her smile, dimples flashing now at her clear affect on him, clearing his throat he tries again, "Where exactly are you going again?"

She hums turning back around, gleeful at the vibrant blush on his cheeks. So he is just a man after all.

"A dentist convention." She answers cheekily and he guffaws loudly, eyes narrowing at her like he knows exactly what she's trying to do. They stare at each other for a long moment and she ultimately breaks the stand still, realizing what's happening. It feels a lot like flirting.

Collecting herself, she barrels back into the room.

"What the hell are you doing?" She whispers to her reflection, face too flushed for her liking.

A hard knock at the door pulls her from her self chastisement, "You didn't even wait for my rating."

She sighs loudly covering her face in embarrassment at her own action. She doesn't even have alcohol to blame this time.

"I don't care. This was stupid, let's stop."

Of course he ignores her.

"I liked it. But it's too...sexy for convention. You should wear that for someone special. I doubt anyone with a beating heart would be able to resist you."

What the fuck.

This isn't who they are, when did they become comfortable enough for conversations like this? They despised each other, right? Confused and annoyingly flattered, she peels the dress off her body trying her hardest not to think about the fact that only a door separates him and her naked body.

"I would love to see the others. But I have to go, but if you want my opinion. Red is definitely your color."

"What?" She replies, but she can hear the too loud click of the front opening and then closing and just as capriciously as he arrived, he leaves. 

Burying something that feels a lot like disappointment she flops onto her bed, head fuzzy like its been wrapped in cotton.

"What is going on?"

They don't see much of each other the next day and it's unusual given how much they see each other on a regular basis but she refuses to think about it or even consider that he's avoiding her. He's just busy and she doesn't care anyway, they have nothing to do with each other.

The convention is in two days now, she has her overnight bag packed with all her new purchases and the messages have been pouring in their group chat. She's mostly chosen to ignore them but on a whim she decides to check what they're so excited about, only to feel her stomach drop.

Why isn't Hye Jin answering?

Maybe she's busy with her mystery man 😉

Oh! She has to bring him, we need to interrogate him!

Yoon Hye Jin don't pretend you don't see these messages!!

That she had forgotten about.

"Why did you tell them that he's interested in you? Has living here altered your brain, you idiot." She berates herself.

"Who's interested in you? Why are you an idiot?" Mi-seon looks curious from the doorway, without waiting for an invitation she hops onto the bed with two cans of beer. She grabs one, drinking it in a flash.

"Oh it's that kind of night." Mi-seon says excitedly running to grab more beers.

"So let me get this straight, you told them that Chief Hong is interested in you and that he's been chasing you but you're not interested?"

She nods meekly, wishing the floor would swallow her up.

"Why did you lie?"

That's the brunt of the issue, she's a liar. She should have sent her initial message and told them that there was nothing between them but how could she when they were all calling him handsome and acting like she finally did something right? She'd spent that entire dinner feeling like her teenage self on the outside looking in, wanting nothing more than to be someone worthy of being included.

"I know I should have told the truth."

"Yes, you should have told them that you're interested in him too."

Huh.

Time stops as she processes the words that her best friend just uttered. There is static in her head as she tries to make sense of it.

"What are you talking about?"

Mi-seon looks at her unimpressed.

"You can both keep lying to yourself but the rest of us aren't as stupid. You're both interested in each other. It's mutual."

She wants to ardently deny the accusation but the words are caught in her throat and all she can manage are refusing sounds.

"You've been wearing red all week." Mi-seon says accusingly and she jumps up in huff, "So what? I'm allowed to wear colors!"

"You hate wearing red. You said it makes your skin look too pale. You hardly ever wear it. So color me surprised when I learned that red is the favorite color of a certain part timer."

That damn town chat. There has to be a way to get Mi-seon out of it. Maybe it was a mistake letting her live here. She was learning too much.

"Don't even bother to deny it. I won't believe anything you say. But I think you should ask him to go with you, you'll get some time alone to figure this out."

There's nothing to figure out. They are..... acquaintances who can admit that the other is vaguely attractive at times. His face isn't all that bad and she's pretty, so it's natural that there is tension at times, like he said they were still humans.

So she doesn't tell him about her fib, pretending everything is fine until it's the day of the convention and her anxiety has all but smothered her and her hands have a slight tremble in them as she starts to drive.

"It's going to be fine. Everything will be okay." She doesn't believe a word she's saying to herself, her heart is thumping in her heaving chest. She doesn't want to go alone. Convincing Mi-seon to leave was a failed endeavour, her and that police officer becoming inseparable. She knew what that smile meant when her best friend had realized that she would have the house to herself. She could barely get a word in as Mi-seon started frantically shaving her legs then pushed her out of the bathroom to "shave her wild cat".

With a sigh she starts driving, the car too quiet despite what she'd told Du-Sik and the Gongjin grannies. Uncharacteristically she turns on the radio, kpop blaring from the speakers. She recognizes the tune, never before has something as mundane as butter seemed so interesting but the kitchen essential was given new life by the song. She bops her head to the catchy beat, trying to ignore the fact that she's driving to the lion's den.

Some time later, she pulls into the hotel a valet already coming over to get her car. Grabbing her overnight bag, she exits the car handing her keys to the waiting hands of the valet.

Everyone is here and none of them had come alone, she was the only one without a plus one. They haven't noticed her yet so she watches as they all laugh at a joke she can't hear, unnecessarily stroking at their husband's chests as if to show off their exorbitantly priced wedding rings. Everything was always a competition here.

She shouldn't have come. Their was nothing about her life that they would be envious of. She was going to make a fool of herself. Impulsively she starts stepping back but it's too late, Hong In-A spots her and points her out and immediately all eyes are on her, they all start walking over to her and she wants nothing more than to run far, far away. Get on a bus and go to the beach and never see any of them ever again. But she's no longer a child, no longer that scared little girl; worked too hard to shed that skin.

Fortifying herself she puts on a fake smile. Ready for war.

"Hye-Jin ah, there you are. We were beginning to think you wouldn't come. You never responded in the group chat." Ye-Ri states with an attitude, looking around her as if searching for someone and eyes brightening when she sees no one. "Did you come alone?" This makes all of them perk up, looking around like chickens with their heads clucking. She swallows the shame the question elicits, "Who would I be with? I told you in already, it's not like that."

They all look at her with pity, it makes her want to slap them all across the face. Who were they to make her feel like shit, she didn't need anyone that didn't make her pathetic.

Finally one of the husbands cracks the awkward tension by introducing himself, she tries her best to ignore the pervasive way his eyes run down her body. Instinctively she crosses her arms, feeling naked under his stare. Nobody else notices her discomfort and after all the introductions, they all walk away as if she's no longer worth their time.

Lump in her throat she walks into the hotel, determined not to show them that they've gotten under her skin.

There's a scheduled lunch and she tries to find a new table but Sung-Mi waves her over and she doesn't see anyone else she recognizes or wants to sit with.

He hadn't been wrong, she has no friends besides Mi-seon.

"You were looking around, were you looking for someone? Are we not good enough to sit with?" The question is asked with a bite and sneer as if the idea is laughable that she would ever be better than any of them.

She swallows her pride, "No nothing like that. I was merely looking around."

Sung-Mi looks satisfied as if putting her in her place has righted her world.

They begin a conversation that completely excludes her, regaling drama that she knows nothing about and doing nothing to bring her up to date or invite her to join. It's the polar opposite of her experience in the countryside and with shocking clarity she realizes that she wishes she were there, it's only been a few hours but she misses it. Nobody looks down on her there, no usually she's the only doing that she notes with shame.

"I'll find the restroom." She says to no one because none of them are paying her any mind except the husband with the wandering eyes and she would much rather not have that attention.

Thankfully the bathroom is empty and she has to stop herself from splashing water on her face, her make-up was done perfectly it would be a waste to ruin it. Pushing her hair behind her ears she takes a deep breath and then another until her head is clearer, the noise lessening.

"It's only a day and a night. You've suffered far worst."

With that lacking pep talk she exits the bathroom, almost colliding into a wall. Wait, no it's just a person- a chest to be specific. She looks up ready to apologize when a familiar face stops her in her tracks.

"What are you doing here?" She stares flabbergasted at him, more dressed up than she's ever seen him. In a white suit with a white vest, the tee-shirt peeking under the only thing that feels like him to her. And his white sneakers. She can't hide her surprise at his sudden appearance and without thinking she starts to pull him to the side, to avoid being seen but she's not fast enough and soon they are swarmed by her colleagues, before she even has a chance to talk to him.

"Aren't you the man from the picture?" Yoo-Jin asks blushing way too much for a married woman if her husband's cold stare means anything.

"The picture?" Du-sik replies, clearly confused.

"You're the guy that's chasing after her. She told us that you liked her and you were courting her." Sung-Mi answers for her, she wants to vanish. It would be better if she had never existed. Even non-existence would be better than this embarrassing moment. "I got a picture of you two last time, when you followed her."

His eyes ping-pong between the group and her and she realizes this is his chance to ruin her. After everything she's done, all her rude comments and snobby remarks about the town and people he cares for so much, this is his chance for revenge. He can laugh and deny any feelings for her, tell them all that she's a liar and he's never been interested in her, not even once. This is what is going to happen. She prepares herself for the fall out, surely after this she won't be able to show her face in Seoul again.

He starts to laugh and her stomach tightens, her palms are so sweaty.

Here it goes.

"Oh I guess she wanted to keep me a secret."

Wait. What. That doesn't sound like denial.

"We're together now. I finally bulldozed those walls and made her mine. Nice to meet you all I'm Hong Du-sik, Hye-Jin ah's boyfriend."

Her eyes widen as he bows and starts to shake hands with the husbands, the one that stared at her looking disappointed. Their handshake goes on for a second too long, eventually with the latter pulling away with a pained look. She's too confused to consider what that means.

"And you were so cold earlier saying you had no one. Did you want to make a fool of us?"

He answers for her, "It's nothing like that, my honey is still getting used to us. I'm sorry I'm so late I had something to take care of."

Her head is spinning too fast to keep up with everything happening and she's grateful when he excuses them and guides her outside with a large hand on her hip.

Fresh air is much appreciated and she takes in huge heaps of it as soon as they're free.

Then reality crashes down on her.

He knows about her lying.

He had called her bluff.

But he didn't out her.

"Why didn't you tell them the truth?" She finally manages to say, head still reeling.

But instead of answering he's staring at her legs, then slowly his eyes swivel upward cross her thighs curving around her hips, past her breasts (a bit too slow there) before moving to her collar and settling on her face.

"You look great."

She feels the heat rushing to her face. What was he doing to her?

It hadn't been in purpose but she finds herself in red again, an a line dress with criss crossing straps over her shoulder and a middle slit. It was conservative without being too formal or professional. She'd felt comfortable in it but now seeing that look on his face, comfort is the last thing she feels.

He was distracting her and she couldn't afford that with those harpies inside waiting for her downfall. They needed to get back on track.

"What are you doing here?" She tries again, but he responds with his own question, "Why did you tell them that I was chasing you?"

"It was a mistake. They thought we were together and I just....said that for no reason." It's half the truth.

"They don't seem like your friends. You looked like you needed someone on your side, so I just found myself saying we were together for no reason."

She looks at him blankly, heart pounding now. In her moment of weakness instead of kicking her, he'd lended a helping hand. What kind of person did it make her for expecting the former?

"So what now?" She asks still in disbelief that he's here and that he'd told people that there were dating, she would be angry and offended later that they had readily believed it. Perhaps it didn't seem too farfetched now with him looking like that right now.

"Well, don't look but they're watching us through the glass."

This time she finds herself turning to look and he's the one that has to stop her, he does so by suddenly grabbing her hand and tugging her into his body. She squeaks at the collision. Leaning down so his lips are level with her ear, he speaks, "We can give them a show. I'm happy to be your pretend boyfriend."

Why?

She yearns to ask him why he's willing to go this far for her? Why was he even here when she had never told him where the convention was taking place? But his words were hot on her ear and she's tired of being their source of entertainment so she nods looking up at him, "Just this once. I'm going to lean on you. Let me borrow your eraser and copy your homework."

He stares before a blinding smile graces his handsome face.

"Let's go then." His hand is heavy on her waist as he walks back towards the hotel, taking his role very seriously it seems.

He fits in perfectly. Able to talk about a plethora of topics to anyone he's introduced to and even she's impressed by him. Be it travel, philosophy or poetry he seems well versed in everything things that even she is ignorant to and it makes her regret the way she looked down on him before, he was anything but a country bumpkin.

She leaves him to his conversation to get a drink, a whiskey on the rocks. Needing something hard tonight.

Not that. Down brain.

"Yoon Hye Jin? I would recognize that face anywhere."

Twisting to face the voice, she sees a familiar face- old classmate. Rung Do-Bae, they weren't anything more than classmates despite his many, many attempts.

His eyes sweep over her hungrily. She swallows her drink, painting on a shallow smile.

"Sunbae, how nice to see you here."

Invading her space he grabs her hand, "There is no need for such formalities. You can just call me by my name, Hye Jin ah."

As if she ever would.

Gently she tries to extract her hand but he won't let go and she doesn't want to make a scene.

Suddenly she's warmed by a body pressing into her, she knows who it is without even looking, her body relaxes immediately.

"Sorry I got lost in conversation honey. Who might this be? Another friend of yours?" He thrusts his right hand out and Do-Bae has no choice but to release her hand to return his handshake. Scarily enough she's starting to become used to his nickname, barely reacting to him using it again.

"Yes, this is my sunbae from school. Sunbae this is Hong Du Sik my....."

She knows that this is all an act, they were doing this to help her but she can't bring her tongue to form around the word, boyfriend.

"Her boyfriend." He finishes for her, pulling her tighter to his body.

But Do-Bae looks suspicious now.

"Boyfriend? I thought you were still single. You never changed your status on SNS. I've checked."

"Why are you so curious about that?" Du-sik challenges in return, doing a great job of sounding like a jealous boyfriend. She's almost even convinced.

"Hye Jin ah and I have always had a very special relationship. Beyond that of a hoobae and sunbae. Isn't that right?" He directs the last bit to her and she feels Du-sik stiffen next to her, seemingly believing these lies. So she clears that up.

"I have no idea what you're referring to honestly. We have never had anything that would constitute as a "special" relationship. I would appreciate if you didn't spread such lies, especially to my boyfriend. Enjoy the rest of your night."

She tugs Du-sik away, not waiting for a reply from the other man. The conversation was over anyway.

When they get far enough he speaks, "You have a lot of admirers."

She raises an eyebrow at the non-sequitur.

"Are you surprised?"

He brushes a hand across her cheek, making her freeze.

"No. It makes sense."

She blinks slowly before laughing, it sounds fake even to her ears.

"You should have been an actor. Your acting skills are incredible." He doesn't laugh, doesn't move before they're pulled into another conversation and she tries not to think about how tightly his body is pressed against her own.

"How is he in bed? He hasn't left you alone all day, I bet it's passionate." As soon as lunch had ended they had invited her to a spa, she'd considered saying no but she knew they would talk about her even if she wasn't there so it was best to at least know what they were saying.

Du-sik looked sad to see her go, but she told herself that she wasn't good at reading his faces. They hardly knew each other.

"I can't remember the last time I had a passionate night of sex. Kids and a full time job, leave no time for that. I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me and I'm too tired to even care." Sung-Mi confesses and she's shocked when the others nod in agreement instead of threatening to castrate him, as she'd done when Mi-seon told her about her ex boyfriend cheating.

"I have no complaints. He's... attentive. He's always touching me and pushing his way into my space. He's gentle but passionate, and I like...that he's so much bigger than me." She knows she should stop, this is definitely taking the lies too far. But that night bleeds into her thoughts, making everything she's saying feel true. He'd been so gentle with her, those huge hands cupping her face. She wondered how they would feel on other parts of her body.

"Damn. Look at you getting horny just from remembering. I'm so jealous."

Jealous. There were envious of her, it was all she'd been hoping for but the happiness she expected to erupt never comes. Instead she feels cheap, like she'd used Du-sik for her own benefit. She had tainted that night. This wasn't what she wanted.

As the day had gone on she found herself looking at him too much, he'd come all the way just for her and regardless of her brain trying to minimize that, it was huge. He hated snobby people like them who based a person's worth in their monetary success and yet he put on a smile and chatted with everyone, letting them mock his way of life and call people like him useless dreamers. All while she did nothing to defend him and drank wine, happy that they were being accepted.

He was the perfect gentleman all day and he was getting nothing in return for this. It was all just to help her.

Would a friend truly go this far to help? Was she being naive or was it like Mi-seon said, was she lying to herself?

"I'm such an idiot."

Without another word, she flees the sauna rushing to the locker room and changing back into her clothes. Nobody follows her because they aren't her friends. Why had she wasted so much time trying to impress these people who aren't even truly happy in their own lives?

The drive back is long, and she doesn't know what she's going to say but she knows that she's tired of being scared.

Leaving the key in the car she rushes past the valet, into the hotel elevator pressing their floor and waiting impatiently.

It takes three tries to get into their hotel room but once the door opens, he's right there. Sitting in the seat by the window reading a book.

"You're back early. I thought you would be gone until three?" He looks up, dog earring his book and giving her his full attention. Her heart skips a beat.

"Why did you agree to do this for me? Why go through all this trouble for me?"

It's the same question he's been asking himself since he first met her. Why was he was interested in her and why did he keep wanting to save her?

It was the desire that led to him being here.

He had accidentally overhead Mi-seon talking to Eun Chol about being worried about her, the convention was overnight and everyone would be bringing someone and she'd be all alone. The thought of her alone and isolated, made him race to her without a plan. Only stopping at a store to buy his outfit so he would fit in with her crowd, he'd spent more in that shop then he usually did in a week. But it was worth it for her.

It was a miracle that she hadn't questioned his presence more, he knew it was shameless and deceiving but none of this felt like pretending to him. His jealousy had been real, he'd had to strangle the urge to kick the pervert husband with the wandering eyes and then the insistent sunbae who wouldn't take a hint. She was a vision in the red dress and it wasn't a surprise that men found her enchanting, he just didn't like them looking at her. But she wasn't his, never would be because he couldn't confess.

They weren't right for each other.

"Do you like me?"

That question again. Last time he had laughed it off, called it absurd. But it wasn't. Not liking her would have been absurd.

"I don't know why you're asking me that."

"Because I'm tired of us lying to ourselves. Don't laugh and don't you dare say it's absurd again."

He can't respond, he's stuck on the word "us". It wasn't just him, they were an us?

Hearing that gives him courage he had long thought had been most forever.

"I wasn't pretending today. Nothing was fake to me, I meant it all." It's terrifying, unchartered land for them and he waits to see which one of them will chicken out first. It's sure to happen.

"I'm going to kiss you." She says instead of running like he expected and secretly wished for.

And then she's crossing the room and leaning down to grab his face, she watches him giving him a chance to pull away but he does the opposite, this time he meeting her half way. As soon as their lips meet the kiss is already too much, she's sliding into his lap and he wraps his arms around her tugging her closer until their chests are squished together.

He hasn't kissed anyone like this in a long time.

Hasn't been this close to losing control in a longer time.

"You're dangerous." He whispers into her mouth and she giggles at the statement, wiggling in his arms and rolling into him forcing a punched out groan from his lips.

Carefully he lifts her shirt watching her face closely for any signs that she wants to stop but finding nothing but her palpable lust.

Her skin is unbelievably smooth and soft and he can't stop himself from stroking her, rubbing at her back his hands resting right above her butt.

"How long have you felt this way?" She asks softly seductively nipping at his neck and running a hand over his shirt to caress his stomach, he physically aches for her.

"I wanted you the moment I saw you. But I didn't feel this until you convinced grandma to get her implants. That was when it became more for me."

She looks surprised and he is too, that they're speaking so candidly about feelings they've always denied.

"What about you?"

She stops licking at his neck to look him in the eyes. He's nervous to hear her reply.

"I.... don't know."

He tries to hide his disappointment. Maybe she was starting to retreat back into her shell. Maybe he shouldn't have been so honest.

He's about to untangle them when she continues, "It wasn't at first sight but one day I found myself looking for you. Seeing you become the best part of my day, I started to count on you to be there for me. To expect it. Just like this, I've been scared to lean on anyone until I met you."

Now that's a confession.

Impulsively he stands with her still on his lap, forcing her to to latch onto him so she doesn't tumble to the floor. Not that this would ever happen because he would never let her fall.

"I could have fell!" She cries, clinging to his shoulders and wrapping her legs around his waist. Her half naked bra clad body so close to him is causing another biological crisis in his pants.

Walking to the large bed in the middle of the room he falls backwards, enjoying the view of her on top of him a little too much.

It's all probably too soon and they should probably slow down, but his body is strumming and he wants nothing more than to break her apart.

"I'm all sweaty. I should take a shower."

Instantly an image of her wet and naked under the downpour of a shower flashes in his mind and he has to twist away from her.

"Pervert." She accuses but he can hear how satisfied she is with his reaction. Damn tease.

"Do you want to join me?" She teases some more, having fun now that she knows her power over him.

He looks at her helplessly.

"Are you having fun? Remember what I told you before? I'm still a guy. You're sitting here in your bra taunting me, do you think I'm that much of a good guy? Do you think I don't want to throw you down, rip your clothes off and eat you alive? I'm so hard right now just seeing you naked would be enough to push me over the edge. So don't make propositions you can't follow through on."

She looks dizzy from his words, eyes hooded and glossy. He watches her gulp and then stagger off to the bathroom, without a word to him. It's probably for the best, everything is too charged right now.

A shower for her and many glasses of water for him later, she's back and it's almost time for dinner.

"I think they said dinner starts at 6. Should we head down?"

She glances at him, while opening her bag and pulling out skin creams and some fuzzy socks.

"Would you be opposed to ordering room service and staying here?"

It's the best offer he's heard all day, only second to her asking if he wanted to join her in the shower.

"What about your colleagues?" He asks to make certain that she's really okay with this.

"What about them?" She replies with a shrug and he grins picking up the room service menu.

They order too much food and not enough alcohol but neither of them want to forget this night. She tells him stories about her time in dental school and he's happy to get to know her better, chuckling at the funny stories and commiserating at the sad ones.

Before he knows it night has fallen.

And he realizes that they'll be sharing a bed. Unless she wants him to sleep on the couch.

She's wearing a big shirt and loose shorts and he still can't believe he gets to see her like this.

"Are you coming to bed?" She's already getting under the sheet and that answers his question, this is really happening. He starts to follow her lead, getting under the sheets but keeping a respectable distance between them.

"I'm cold." She announces suddenly and he starts to look for a thermostat in the room or an extra blanket, before realizing that she's looking at him over her shoulder, he stares back confused before she lifts an eyebrow and oh, he gets it. Carefully moving closer he feels her warmth surround him as they meet, forth to back.

"Took you long enough." She grumbles, pulling his arm over here body and settling back into him moving until she's comfortable.

She's so close and warm and her smell is all around him and he feels his restraint dissolving and when she presses back into him, her hip rubbing against his crotch he bites down on his bottom lip.

It's too much for him to resist and without warning or preamble, he's turning her to face him and swallowing her moan of surprise eagerly. He grabs her head firmly holding her in place and slips his tongue into her open mouth, her unique taste exploding on his taste buds. He's hungry for more. So he starts to tug down her shorts, heart beat thundering in his groin. She kicks the shorts away, and he groans at the sight of her panties she was trying to kill him, he was certain.

"You're the devil." He chokes out staring at red lace, he'll never be able to see the color again without getting a raging hard on.

"You haven't seen anything yet. Honey." The word drips from her tongue just like the real thing.

Forgetting all reason and logics he lunges at her, devouring her mouth and sticking his hand in her panties. She's so warm and fuck, wet drenching his fingers.

Simultaneously he thrusts his tongue into her mouth and his fingers in her wet folds, groaning as she melts like butter under his touch. There's no resistance, as he plunges two fingers inside her experimentally before picking up his place when she clutches onto him and grinds back on his fingers, begging the whole time.

"More, more, please!"

As if he could ever deny her anything, with one hand he grabs her ass and the other he thrusts into her opening over and over until her voice gets breathy and she starts to stutter, squirming wildly in his arms and he knows exactly what's coming: the beautiful end. So without warning he pulls back the sheet and slithers down her body, throwing her legs around his head and pushing his tongue in to the brim, hungrily drinking at her until she shakes and combusts in his arms. Sweet on his tongue, he swallows it all greedily.

He strokes her as she recovers from her high, climbing back up her body. So much for taking things slow, but he can't even think about regretting it when he sees the blissed out look on her face. He wants to imprint it in his mind. Nobody else will ever get to see this face but him.

"It's your turn." She says sounding loopy like she's drunk and he laughs as she reaches for the tent in his pants but misses his bulge and instead falls into him.

"You're tired. Go to sleep. That was enough for me, seeing you like that fulfilled every fantasy I've had. "

He truly means it. He's a giver. And it's not like he can't tug one out later in the bathroom with her face and moans playing on repeat in his brain.

She starts to argue, but her phone vibrating on the nightstand distracts her. Reaching over she picks it up before chuckling and flopping back into the bed.

"What?" He asks curious, jealous of whoever is making her smile like that.

Ignorant to his inner thoughts, she thrusts her phone into his face. The room is so dark it takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the bright lighting of the phone, but once he can see he reads the message on her phone and starts to laugh too.

"Dusik is missing! Nobody has seen him all day!! We started a search party."

[littlemisslol-fic]

Hi, sorry to bother you but I had an idea for an AU where Varian is studying an artifact called the 'Silver Wing' yes I took that from Pokemon, no I am not ashamed. The premise is basically after spending weeks trying to understand the artifact and decipher the scrolls left about it. Turns out it chooses a holder and works in the ways the sundrop and moonstone do by kind of staying inside the heart of the user.

After a very selfless act on Varian's part (rescuing Rapunzel from falling from the balcony, I dunno if you've seen a Silent Voice but its kind of like that scene. He manages to pull her up only to fall himself and in the moment the artifact reacts and brings him back up to the tower safely in what appears to be a gust of wind blowing around him) However after the initial excitement he finds the Silver Wing has disappeared and, you guessed it. It's part of him now. However he starts to notice he has some upper back problems (I'm honestly just deflecting at this point) and after some hours he ends up sprouting some wings. He's super freaked and that's all I got.

I used to roleplay a lot, and have so many ideas, but the rp crowd has kind of died and you are kind of my favorite author. So I was hoping for maybe a little advise? Or if you know an author who co-writes things?

Again, please don't feel obligated to answer. I hope you're doing well. Keep writing your awesome fics! <3

Hey hey! Nah man I’m always down for a chat!

That sounds like a really fun idea for an au! I love a good wing fic, the concept is SO interesting! The big reveal of the flight powers especially sounds really awesome, I live for “oh my god WHAT” moments in fics!! With wings too it’s so easy to hop onto things like preening as a social bonding thing, or other bird things. There’s a lot of possibilities! Imagine rapunzel's FACE lol

As for advice, the best I really have for finding RP partners and co-authors is to join some of the online fan communities! I found my co-writer Iza (for Cor Meum)  on a varigo server, and same with basically all my online friends in different communities! Discord is a great place to start, so is tumblr, but I personally like to drop into places with lots of people since it’s easy to slip in and out of conversations as they go along without getting overwhelmed. Kinda suss out the vibe before jumping in, you know? Your results may vary of course, depending on your personal comfort zones. 

Though I’m not active on any public servers anymore I’m sure they’re out there! Once you narrow down the general masses and find the really devoted fans I’m sure you could find a RP partner or even a group! Same with a co-writer, I find that ramble channels are great to see whose ideas you might vibe with–that’s how I found a couple of my friends! I'm pretty solitary by nature lol, my hobby is sitting alone on a computer, after all hehe

That or sometimes the most fun thing is to write your ideas yourself! To each their own lol. I find that writing out my ideas in a point form outline really helps me get the idea out of my head and into something more tangible–and then once it’s there I can start shuffling around for pacing and ebb and flow and etc etc, taking it from concept to proper outline, and then once all that’s done the writing is easy lmao. You just follow the road map! I find that looking into things like Campbell's hero's journey, the Save the Cat beat sheet, and the like really help while prepping an outline for a good, cohesive story.

ANYWAYS I’ll stop rambling! Thank you so much for the kind words of love!! I’m honored to be your favorite author!! I hope you’re doing good, man! 💕💕

[oki-writes]

Word count: 1.3k

Summary: You and Kageyama have a child together. Living life as third years and teen parents.

Warning: teen pregnancy and cursing (looking at you Tsukki and Kags)

Your POV.

“Tobio how do I look” you spin in place showing off your new uniform for your third year.

Kageyama reply’s with a simply fine, while wrapping his arms around you.

Nobody’s POV.

Walking into your son’s room you start to get his day bag ready. Diapers, bottles, extra clothes, toys, wipes, and snacks. Lastly you put some extra cash for Miwa just in case.

Once finished you set out to dress Hiroto. Settling with a simply white button up and black shorts. Aiming to not make him stick out when he gets drop out at school later in the day.

The only reason for this though was because you were an A+ student. Also your afternoon class wasn't really academic based since you told most of them during your break. All you had to worry about was after school with the volleyball club since you were the manager along with Yachi. But, that was to worry about later. Your little family was ready for their first day of their last year of school.

Your POV.

“Miwa you sure you got Hiroto. I can always stay hom-“

“No you get to school. I’ll drop him off at lunch for you. Now get, don't be late. This is your last year, enjoy it because last year you really couldn’t. Now not but go on” Miwa said while pushing you out the door.

“Kags I don’t want to leave him, let’s go back home”

Kageyama just glanced at you with the look that said “keep walking or I’ll drag you”. I wonder how everyone on the team is going to react seeing Hiroto for the first time in a while. Ohhh. I forgot we have first years, it’s going to be so awkward to explain to them. Calm down (y/n) you got this. This is your years so own it.

“Um (n/n) what are you thinking about, you look stupid right now with that face”

“Oh shit up Tobio, I’m just thinking about having to explain to the new first years in the club about our child that’s all” you gripped his hand.

“Okay boke”

Wow I hadn’t seen the school for a while hopefully I don’t get lost. I’m sure they remodeled it looks different. Now where’s my class...ummm oh class 3-5.

“Bye babe see you later” I gave Kageyama a kiss and walked into class. Surprisingly I was pretty early and the only other people inside the room were Yachi, Yams, and Tsukki. I noticed they haven’t seen me come in, so being the great friend I was I creep behind Tsukki and...jumped on his back like a maniac.

“Oi who the fu- (Y/N)!!!!”

“Hey pals”

After the funny reunion people started to pile inside the classroom. Some of my classmates walked up to me and congratulated me for giving birth. Even the teacher that I recognized was my first year teacher, they must’ve been moved up to third years. Class started after everyone reintroduced themselves. At the end my teacher wanted to see the pictures of Hiroto that I have, so of course I showed them. As everyone said before “He looks just like Kageyama just with your eyes”. After that I got a text from Miwa saying she was at the front office to drop off Hiroto. I excused myself and left to pick up my son. Surprisingly Tobio was there waiting for me with Hiroto in his arms.

Your POV.

“Hey babe, I would have gotten him. I thought you wanted to practice some before school ended.”

“I did, but some of our friends wanted to see him and I was about to text you to meet me at the gym to have lunch with them.”

After the clarification, we guys walked to the gym. Hiroto was taking a nap when he got dropped off. I was planning to wake him up when we got there. After a few minutes we reach our friends inside.

“Hey guys we’re here sorry for being late”

“It’s fine” Hinata yelled then looking at the sleeping baby in Tobio’s arms

“I’m so sorry for yelling. I didn’t know he was asleep, Kageyama don’t hurt me” Hinata ran behind Yachi to avoid getting hit.

“Shoyo it’s fine I was about to wake him up anyways to eat or should I say drink” I walked up to Tobio and started to wake up Hiroto. He opened his big eyes and started to look around the room. He recognized Yachi since she came over a lot to help me with my studies after I gave birth.

After giving him his bottle I put him down onto the blanket we set out and let him crawl around. The conversation we had all together was basically about how Tobio was feeling about being a father. Also some funny moments that I told our friend group. For instance, me waking up at 2am because Tobio couldn’t remember how to make a bottle and failing miserably to the point he woke up the whole house screaming “(Y/N) HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE A BOTTLE” or the time Hiroto throw up on him right after he got out the shower.

Tobio of course didn’t want me to say any of that and called me boke the whole time. But, I thought it was cute.

After that funny conversation, I looked and didn't see my son with us anymore. “WHERE IS HIROTO” after I shouted that Tsukki walked back to us with Hiroto in his arms, stating that he was by the volleyballs trying to play with them. I thanked Tsukki for finding him and looked at Kags because he was just asleep. But, I can’t be that mad since he was up all last night with Hiroto.

Soon the bell rang signaling we had to go back to class. Yams and Tsukki went back to our classroom, while Yachi and I walked to the music room since we both got the afternoon free of academic class till next semester. The music room was pretty much quite beside the small orchestra that was playing. We decided to work on some homework while Hiroto played with some of the first years inside the room. I looked over checking on him and saw that he needed a diaper change. Apparently a first year had a baby sister and he offered to change him while I continued my homework.

An hour later the small orchestra left and Yachi suggested we go to the little garden at the back of the school since we finish our homework and plan what we’re going to do for the volleyball club today.

Nobody’s POV.

Yachi and (y/n) with Hiroto in Yachi’s arms reached the garden. Going over some activities they could do with the first years to make them feel included with the teams. Pulling out the list of people who were in the teams you guys started to try to remember all the names.

1st years:

Misuki Kenji

Otauka Jiro

Kudo Eito

Ando Ren

2nd years:

Ono Yokuto

Mori Koji

Sato Hisato

3rd years:

Kageyama Tobio

Hinata Shoyo

Tsukishima Kei

Yamaguchi Tadashi (Captain)

Managers:

HitokaYachi

Kuroo (Y/N)

From what the papers say a lot of these players came from power house schools so that’s a plus. So today instead of a team valuation, they planned a team bonding activity. You guys went over a list of different activities they could do and decided on two. One is just a pass and toss and the other is just a 6 v 6 match. After going over the finishing touches you guys started to make your way to the court to set up.

The bell rang and the first one there was Yams and then the other third years arrived. They already changed into their gym clothes and Kags came up to you and grabbed Hiroto from you. Later the second years arrived, they congratulated you again for having Hiroto. Now the first years were all that’s left.

“Hello is this the gym for the volleyball club”

Next.

Hey guys this the first chapter in my first every series. I’m still working on a update schedule but I plane to at least have one ch. per week even more if possible.

Also I usually do I have Spanish word of the day and today’s work is crow: el cuervo

@humanitysbiggestsimp @french-girl-online @yeehawslap

[jon-astronaut]

Hey friend! Your Skam content has been a gift! So, I have a really random question (I don't know if you've answered a similar one)... But I know that Skam Turkey would probably not be good (especially because of RTÜK)... but if you had the free time and all the creative power, what would you like to see of Skam Turkey?

Helloooo! First of all, thank you for liking my Skam conteeent! I just do things I wish existed ahahah

And, thank you for this question but get ready for a loooong answer! I didn’t answer anything like this before. I only explained why a Skam Turkey wouldn’t work - as you said because of RTÜK (the government institution that regulates television, radio, online content).

I actually thought a lot about this before!

I would base it in İstanbul because it’s where I am living. I know the show would be so different placed in somewhere else but İstanbul feels nice and feels diverse enough.

so season 1, i guess would be pretty similar. I don’t think I would change much of the plot points. except the parties if happening would be smaller in scale. and instead of parties mostly they would hang at bars in kadıköy, beşiktaş, taksim a lot.

they would be studying in one of the ‘good highschools’ (not a private one).

Since Turkish shows are filled with a lot of romance I think it would be important to show a close female friend group!!! they would have sleepovers and braid each other’s hair and get each other coffee every morning from the canteen! sit together in classes! have big breakfasts in kadıköy!

I knew people that smoke weed in high school but I kinda had a niche high school experience so Eva would be against smoking and Jonas could just be smoking cigarettes. Jonas would be quite political. Maybe going to protests in Kadıköy and getting tear gased! Using his twitter a lot!

I would change William's character a lot in s1. Instead of the whole sleeping with Vilde etc. it could be just flirting and giving her hope and him being a kind of a jerk because he would think he was so cool. In the end, he wouldn’t be that toxic. (we don’t need that message! but he doesn’t need to be perfect either)

we would see the stress of the university entrance exam creeping up! eva would feel insecure and have fights with her parents about her grades  and about her perfomance in dershane (private courses)! jonas doing so well wouldn’t help either

The girl squad would be the same. Turkish Sana would be a hijabi Muslim and maybe Chris would be a little conservative. Then, Noora and Eva and Vilde would be more relaxed in terms of drinking etc. Vilde could still make her ignorant comments on Islam.

(i think that part’s important because even if Turkey is known as a muslim country there are a lot of people who live the religion in their own terms. as someone who doesn’t have anybody hijabi in her immediate family i had a lot of ignorant questions too)

so s2,

Noora would be the person to keep up with the news of all the murdered women! She would constantly bring that up in hopes to educate others! And her article in the end would be about that. (she would defend #istanbulsözleşmesi #istanbulagreement)

the season would open up with noora and the girls at an 8th of march parade where the police would be there and they would run away!

Vilde would have moved on and there wouldn’t be the whole William forcing Noora to go on a date. Instead Noora would be hesitant because his action’s last year would clash with her feminist ideals. they would get together earlier!

the auction penetrators does could be for some women organization!

the sexual assault storyline would happen mid season and we would see noora go to the police etc. and the whole process!

william wouldn’t leave after finding out...we don’t need to see smt like that on Turkish tv anymore. instead in a teaching moment for the viewers he wouldn’t judge her. and not ask anything like her clothing, the drinking even if noora expected him to

(seeing her legal process is important because it takes a long time in Turkey and most of the time people don’t get punished. jonas and others would help with a twitter campaign)

in s3, william would be studying abroad and him and noora would be doing long-distance successfully!

s3 is the trickiest one and i am changing a lot, (since this the ideal world let’s imagine i can actually put in a gay character)

isak’s mother would accept him immediately but his father could have issues. i feel like the homophobia needs to be shown someway.

even would be a transfer student in their last year. and in 12th grade there would be a big background story of the university entrance exam. isak and even could meet at a study session designed by the school

in early parts of the season, we could see a lot of ‘i don’t have a problem with gay people as long as they are away from me, they don’t shove their sexuality in my face’ type of thinking from the people around. maybe some class discussions.

the boy squad would be wholesome!  they would still make some weird jokes but they will learn better! they wouldn’t be skaters but they would hang out at places like kadıköy, beşiktaş a lot! maybe they could do like a little band of their own!

the internalized homophobia would be strong (but never using slurs kind of) and isak would really force himself to be with emma.

when they finally kiss instead of going for more isak would run away. and then when they see each other at school they would talk and isak would say smt like ‘let’s forget about that’

him and eva would be close friends and while talking with her about relationships he would realize it was unfair to emma and break up with her.

here comes eskild! it would be noora’s older brother who is studying in a well known university and who is openly gay! they would run into each other somehow and isak would see that he could be himself. that there are people like him. (later on the boy squad gets like lectures, lessons from him to educate themselves on different sexualities)

then, he would go to a bar even is in and they talk and pinky touches and go back to even’s. make out, spend time etc. there is no sonja storyline. instead it’s them getting together.

the mental ilness storyline stays! and isak would see even’s episode instead of waking up with him gone. he would dial his parents’ numbers and learn everything!

then, even would talk a lot about himself and explain how he feels and how is everything for him!

WAITJONAS! jonas would be such a good friend and i think the whole carelessness of skam wouldn’t work. instead he would be careless about it at first like ‘oh he is good looking’ then he would apologize for the old jokes and swears he would be better! GIVES ISAK A BIG HUG THE PHYSICAL CONTACT IS IMPORTANT! then jonas makes his mission the end homophobes on twitter and irl!

(this convo would happen either at moda sahil or in beşiktaş while eating balık ekmek which fish and bread)

(i would change a lot because i think a more positive and a more distilled portrayal is important and isak and even navigating their relationship should be seen more.)

sadly, at school in the street etc. they would never be seen kissing, holding hands. but eskild would take everybody to his university for a tour one day (there is still the university entrance exam) and isak and even would be themselves there.

s4 is also tricky and actually somehow some part of og skam works, 

sana would feel isolated because the others are not practicing like her and some are not even believing. she would feel weird when fasting because vilde and noora would suggest getting coffee after school without second thinking.

let’s get political! she would have a hard time convincing people she wasn’t supporting the government. maybe some political debates in class and people would stare at her thinking she would say something old fashioned etc. (this would come up in s3 with isak first. isak would see her hanging with turkish eskild and it would click for him that it doesn’t matter for sana)

sana and jonas would bond over politics!

yousef’s story always felt familiar for me so he would be a non-believer  (or if i felt brave enough he would be Kurdish and there would be a whole conversation about it) so that whole storyline happens without the noora kiss.

i would have even be exes with one of sana’s brother’s friends - much like skamit! we need some muslim gay represantation!

and instead of the fight between the boys there would be this coldness because of jealousy from isak. a fight almost breaks but even and jonas stops it while the other two boys are ready to jump the others. the episode would end with isak and even arguing sana hearing it.

next, isak and sana would have the bench talk. the whole answering the ignorant questions would be said and then they would ask each other that. in a respectful way of course. stuff like isak asking about ‘can a muslim be gay?’ and sana asking about ‘how did you realized you liked boys?’ etc.

(i am trying to teach people here)

about now sana realizes he could be with yousef regardless. and they talk.

the girls would plan an afterparty with the others in their year for after the prom! sana wouldn’t feel welcome there - it’s a club. and the fights etc.

the girls would come to sana’s home and apologize saying they want to do better learn more!

also a convo with maybe chris and eva - sana being a hijabi muslim who fasts and prays, chris being maybe loosely fasting and praying in her own way and eva who doesn’t do anything but still believes in God and considers herself Muslim and how they all feel!

then the farewell stuff would happen with banners and slogans! and they would dress up in their school’s colors!

after this sana would meet up with yousef and they would go on an official date. and it would be like they would hold hands while walking and hug but not kissess (at least not in public)

one of the final clips would be a long table in one of the characters’s home where they are having iftar! everybody made the foods, william comes back, jonas and eva gets together!

and the graduation ceremony! everybody crying! and finally a few shots of isak and even in the pride where it gets cancelled/tear gased every year! eskild would be there too! and even some other friends supporting them!

oh wow! i guess you didn’t expect this when you asked! i was halfway into this when i realized you just asked what i would like to see and i was here giving you an outline...

anyway, basically i would love to see the female friendship part being emphasized, seeing noora’s sexual asault plot in a bigger way and seeing the results, the homophobia of turkey and the hope regardless and the coming together of different ways of Islam!!!!!

if you want to bounce off ideas i am always opeeeen! and hope you liked this little turkish skam versiooon!

[allsystemsarenotgo]

A friend and I were talking one day, and she shared this with me.

She was much like me, raised with a quarter between the knees, terrified of the things we were taught to avoid and trying to live reasonably noble lives. She wasn't allowed Birth Control for religious reasons (pro-life) as well as to prevent enablism. Her family was much more religious than mile, though I still went to church during my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years of high school.

She married a guy 10 years older than herself, who was a long-time routine customer of her family's business. They married right after she graduated high school, long before she applied to higher education.

She is a nurse now. She has 3 kids, works long hours at a hospital, and her husband is a successful farmer as he always has been. She struggled at times, but she made it through.

She knows life would have been easier without the first child, but she was innocent and naiive and I think she realizes that she jumped in the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim.

I did the same thing.

All through high school I pledged to abstinence until marriage. I hated everything to do with sex. The topic, the drama, the action, the result. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I also never dated through grade school at all. I never had a girlfriend. Plenty of crushes (M.S. above being one of them), but just as many denials. Because I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have FFA animals, or play athletics, I also wasn't a member of any social group. I was always the kid in the corner of the cafeteria scarfing food down in 5 minutes and sleeping the other 20, or asking to go to a teacher's classroom, where it was serene and quiet.

My freshman year of college, I even wrote an essay on abstinents for English class. That really didn't go over well in regards to having to read it out loud. There might as well have been fruit flying at me.

My dorm was set up such that we had 3 private bedrooms that shared a living space and bathroom. One of the roommates always had girls over, and he never tried to be quiet (or if he did, he failed...badly).

So those two things were my indoctrination to college life. Getting judged and leered at for writing an abstinence essay, and having to listen to a roommate multiple times a week.

Towards the very end of my freshman year, a girl from high school messaged me. We started talking, and she admitted that she had always had a crush on me and was too shy to ever say anything.

Error #1: For no good reason whatsoever, I agreed to formulate a relationship with this female

So when I moved home from the dorms, I hung out with the lass a few times, but my parents were moving out of the country and closer to my school, so I could live at home. That meant that this would now be a 1.5-hour-each-way medium-distance relationship.

So every 4th or 6th weekend during the remainder of that summer and into the fall semester, I would drive up and spend a day with her. Sometimes, I would drive her out of the country and into the city to give her a glimpse of escape (it was very impoverished where we grew up).

Error #2: Doing whatever made her happy

I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. She got me a purity necklace for Christmas that year. She said she understood that my preference meant something to me.

But then, something changed. She would start dropping enuindos and jokes and send me photos that I didn't ask for.

Error #3: Not standing up for myself

She said that I meant something to her, and asked me if she meant something to me. At the time, I did not comprehend that as a trap...but I wanted to make her happy, so I said "yes".

The next thing I know, she is booking a hotel for us for Valentine's day. Wherein, I learned a thing or two or five or ten that I really wasn't interested in learning in the first place.

-Provides Clorox to help scrub the thoughts from your mind-

After that, she wanted me to come see her more and more often. But I was tied up with school and life.

Mind you, we usually had a phone call every night, or at least every other night. Same time, right before bed. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone with eachother.

Error #4: Accepting anything as fact

Well one night, I called her, and she answered...but it was noisy in the background, like she was driving. But she never talked while driving, and wouldn't answer the phone with family in the car.

She said she was in a friend's car and they were going to the beach for the night, which was completely reasonable for the time of year and her group of friends. She cut the conversation short saying they had arrive, so we bid our greeting. But she didn't hang up, and something told me that I shouldn't either. So I didn't.

"Who was that?"

"Don't mind him. He was just calling to check on me. He's controlling like that."

"He sounds like a jerk"

"Enough about him. He won't do this."

-Provides more clorox-

And that's how I found out that her primal needs were more important than our "relationship".

Unfortunately, shortly after I broke up with her, I was sent a photo of her quite visibly pregnant. Fortunately, the timetable did not add up to Valentine's day (aside of the fact that it was physically/biologically 95% impossible).

That summer, I started a job at the student newspaper. Right off the bat, one of the graphic artists and I got along very well. We spent way too much time at work talking to eachother and goofing off, instead of working. Enough so that our boss took notice and things got tense for a bit with him. We still cranked out work no problem, but we were both too young to understand workplace policy and procedure when it comes to "dating but not dating", which is basically exactly what we were doing. We spent alot of time together. I would go to her dorm after class and we would watch movies and just goof off or do whatever. We enjoyed time together.

Error #1: So cliché. So, so cliché.

So Valentine's day rolls around, and she asks 'the question'.

So something in biology: There is a term called "Once an animal has the taste of blood, they will always hunt for it." Unfortunately, humans can sometimes be considered a sub-species of the animal kingdom.

Like the dumbass that I am, I accept to the terms and conditions.

And at the end of the night, she asks: "So are we officially dating now?"

"I...I guess?", I answered nervously.

Errors #2 to #457: Not escaping

And just like that, I was suckered into nearly 2.5 years of having a FWB while having to, very creatively at times, mask it as a legitimate relationship.

We enjoyed the time we spent together.

We enjoyed going places together.

My mum liked her, her parents liked me. (Dad was skeptical at best and thought I could do better)

The small issue: I struggled to communicate at times. I didn't know how to find my voice, so there were times that I would have to text her how I felt. Sometimes I would hide in a corner just so I could cry. (I later learned of my autism, and it all made sense and I learned how to resolve this)

The big issue: I was completely burned out on intimacy. After almost 2.5 years of emulating laboratory rabbits, I was done. My usefulness had expired.

The biggest issue: We were both suffering academically. We had no common interests at all anymore, and we had put eachother ahead of our own academics so much that we were both risking academic expulsion.

So we mutually agreed to break up.

She dropped out of university (and never went back or finished her schooling), and I changed majors twice before getting my Bachelor of Science.

My first relationship lasted from June 2009 to April 2010.

My second "relationship" lasted from February 2011 until May 2012 (Although we started spending time together in significant amounts starting August 2010)

I have not had a girlfriend since May 2012.

I had one friend in my senior year of college, who gave me some non-physical affection while also keeping me firmly locked in the friendzone. But quality time, by itself, only goes so far.

I have not had any physical affection since May 2012.

I have not spent quality time with a female since May 2013.

For most of that time, from May 2013 to August 2019, I really didn't mind it at all. I have been so tied up in working, hobbies, and life in general, that I completely ignored women.

But as my birthday loomed near in October 2019, it donned on me....I was on a crash course to being eternally lonely.

So I have tried online dating. I have gone on a few first dates, but no second dates.

Sometimes, I want to give up. The fight just doesn't seem worth the reward.

And honestly?

Sometimes I feel exactly like my friend's remarks at the top of this post. Sometimes I wish I would have been a little more rebellious, a little more care-free, a little more out-there.

But at the same time, ...

Sometimes I wish that neither relationship would have ever happened.

That I would have never learned the true definition of intimacy.

That I would have never done whatever it took to make the other person happy.

That I wouldn't have been such an easy push-over.

That I would have stuck to my initial pledge in life

That I would have spoke up more and defended myself.

All I am now, is damaged product.

I don't truly know how to love.

I don't truly know how to feel.

I don't truly know how to be myself.

I don't truly know how to be intimate.

I am human, I am male, so of course I have my moments. But I don't want that to be the reason for a relationship. I want it to be the least-important factor, or not a factor at all.

I want a relationship founded on trust, honesty, fortitude, common interests, personality, maybe even a little faith.

Not intimacy.

I just want to not be invisible, or to only have one attribute visible.

I want to be seen for all the other attributes.

I am not A-sexual. I still feel emotions and feelings. I just don't want to let them out of the locked box which contains them. Not without lots of context and preparedness.