#I just can't cope with leaving my mom and grandma alone :(((((

[oceanmoss]

one step at a time is a beautiful name for a baby girl I think

[jedi-bird]

I made it through yesterday.

(Warning for death mentions and depressive episodes below cut)

I made it through yesterday. I made it through easier than I expected honestly. The days leading up to it were not good. Yesterday, I was busy and had other things to occupy my attention. Today though, not so much.

Yesterday marked seven years since my grandfather died. He was the last of my direct family and the last one who actually cared about me. I didn't get to see him or talk to him for the last four months; a combination of too much work, weird hours, and my family giving me the wrong number for him. I got blamed for everything that happened. I used to be his full time caretaker, while still working a full time job, until I had a nervous breakdown and it became either someone else take care of him or I was probably going to kill myself. At the time he moved away (because care facilities here were more than we could afford and where he went meant that he had most of his family close and visiting daily), he was the healthiest he had been in years despite the repeated strokes. In four months, he'd be dead.

I miss him a lot lately, even though we fought constantly. I was the odd one out in the family. The only one who wasn't fully white, the only one willing to take care of people, the only one who had spent half their life being abused. My grandpa wasn't great, but he tried. He kicked my stepfather out of the house and banned him from ever visiting again (his exact words were I'll burn the house down before you step foot in here again). He took me to rodeos and bought me my first hat. We went to petting zoos and the movie. He taught me to garden, though admittedly it was more what not to do since half his stuff died immediately. We raised chickens together. We used to sing along to the sound of music every year, even after I got my job and spent most of my time trying to catch up on sleep; I'd come home, exhausted and hungry and just needing to be alone for a bit but still stop and sing edelweiss with him (I can still hear his off-key voice whenever I hear the song).

My grandpa was a liar and a jerk and treated my grandma horribly when they were younger. I miss him despite it all.

The year he died, my partner was also in the hospital. They didn't know what was wrong or if he'd make it. I got the call right before going to see him before I had to leave for work. I remember being numb, just not being able to focus or cope. I called my job, begging for the day off because I was afraid to drive and afraid to think and I needed to be with someone who understood. They told my no and said I needed to come in early. So I had to leave the one person who still loved me, who was sick and needed me, to drive almost two hours in traffic to find out I wasn't even necessary that day. I broke down, screaming at my manager in the break area in front of everyone. I was hysterically. They tried to backtrack, telling me they misunderstood and that I could go home. But what was I going home to? Two more hours in traffic to miss visiting hours, to have to go to an empty house full of memories that I couldn't acknowledge yet. I spent most of my shift sobbing in the back areas, no one really knowing how to help me. During all of this too, my family kept threatening to make me homeless. I didn't want to go on.

I don't know how I made it through that time. No one spoke to me for months other than my partner, who did get better eventually. I never got to cope with any of that, or my grandma's or mom's deaths. I just had to keep going.

So I made it through this year. Today is hard but I made it. In a few weeks, it'll be fourteen years since my grandma died, the woman who loved me unconditionally and raised me, and that's going to be hard. I'm afraid that this year, my stepfather will finally find me and I can't deal with that again; he's the reason more than anything that I hate my birthday and just wish it didn't exist. Then I'll be practically alone for the first month of the year and then the numbness will lift for a bit until spring, when I'll have to confront my mother's death again. I've been in therapy for years and it helps but sometimes it's not enough. I know I'll be fine, because I've kept going this long and I can go a bit longer. Each day is a step and breaks are allowed.

But fuck I'm tired right now. I miss the numbness.

[unearthlydream]

im sad and can't focus on work so instead time to scream into the fucking void so it at least looks like i'm trying to write this story thats due at the end of the day.

i keep finding myself thinking "i wish things were normal" and wishing i could go back to pre-Oct 31 and how things were before all of these things happened. but i don't think there is a noraml to get back to and i think that this is just what my life is now. and idk how to cope with that tbh lol ijust wanna jump off a building

i want to be able to see my friends and talk to people and work on craft projects but instead all i do is sit at home in silence after work dissociating into a game or a tv show because i don't have the energy. i can't lie and mask my way through life anymore and i feel uncomfortable w the fact that i can't have a conversation with anyone without them inevitably asking how i am or what i've been up to. how can i even engage with people when i have nothing positive to share and most of the convos just end up with "i'm so sorry, let me know if you need anything"??

my mom has been on and off dying (thankfully off for good now i think? long recovery process) since december. i've cared for my grandpa from oct 31-dec only for him to now be on palliative care. my family is being so normal and cool about it and i'm the youngest one and being forced to deal with all of their issues because my aunt and uncle can't be not self centered for once in their lives-- and obv my mom is dying and my grandma is grieving and helping w my mom so like who else is gonna take care of things and manage people's emotions and be a shoulder to cry on?

so i'm actually doing horribly and don't have the capacity to make up lies anymore. and what have i been up to? spending tons of time in hospitals and then getting various illnesses because people can't seem to mask up in a fucking hospital of all places!!! i don't have the energy to lie anymore bc i'm funneling everything i have into just waking up in the morning and doing thebare minimum to make sure i do'nt die and my household is clean enough that it's not a danger to my cat.

and even when my friends and partnersask like 'how can i support you' -- idfk put a bullet in my brain??? like no one can do anything to help me. i'm alone andhave always been alone and will always be alone and forced to be the mommy in every situation and i'm so tired. i just don't want tot hink. but then when i say 'it stresses me out that you're waiting on me to make the plans for groceries or doing laundry and i just need you to get it done,' i hurt peoples feelings and i'm being too rough.

i'm just so tired. i'm so fucking tired and i wish my brain didn't go from zero to "just kill yourself" so quickly. i wish i knew what i needed and how tomake it better. i feel like my stupid ass needs to be committed. i'm worried about self harming again as i already relapsed late last year amidst all of this. i'm worried one day i'll be so lcose to the end of my rope that i'll act on one of my impulsive thoughts and make things worse for myself.

i don't wanna worry anymore but i think that's just what's in the cards for me. which is like... doubly scary bc of the genetic lottery i've already won (mom had a stroke in her 40s and now is dealing with all of this which like.... most of it is caused by stress and not taking care of herslef and i'm falling down that same rabbit hole without my consent which is so cool and funky fresh).

and the worst part... i don't even think things would be easier if i died. the guilt of knowing what i'm leaving behind won't even let it in the realm of possibility.

this is so long. i might delete this later. but like holy fuck. a bitch needs a fuckin break. a bitch needs a resource officer or somethnig like hold fuck.

[moonieshinesims]

Generation One - Chapter Seven

River has been found and is now recovering at the hospital, however, Ichiban now owes a favor to his father and must return home to pay off his debts. How will River cope with the trauma of what has recently happened to her along with the disappearance of her boyfriend?

A few days before River was allowed to leave the hospital, Bee surprised her by telling her that they were going to be staying with her grandparents for a while.

"I just can't be near that house right now..." her mom had said. River told her and the police that she'd been kidnapped right in their front yard and ever since then her mom had been wary of being around the place herself, let alone letting her daughters go anywhere near the house or yard on their own.

"At least mom and dad live close to your school. One of them can even come pick you up when you're done with classes."

"Mom! By the time I'm outta here I'll only have summer school. And how are you going to feel when I go off on my own to college?" River knew that she would struggle with her own fears and trauma due to what happened to her, but she was trying to look at the situation realistically. She was going to be leaving home soon.

Very soon.

"I'll think about that when it happens."

River looked down at the envelope and realized the handwriting was Ichiban's. Her face turned red and she clutched the envelope to her chest.

She didn't feel like reading it right then in front of her mom, so she stowed it away in the bag of things that was brought from home.

A few days later, it was time for River to leave the hospital...

River was going to have to have sessions with a psychiatrist for a while. She'd never been to therapy before, so she wondered what that would be like.

But for now she wasn't going to worry about it. She was finally getting out of the hospital!

Home of course, was someplace different for a while, maybe forever...

Her mom's parents Greta and Garrett lived in a huge house in Copperdale, only a few blocks down from her school. It wouldn't be her school much longer, but her mom was right. Being closer would be safer.

Her grandpa was once a pilot and grandma was a commercial actress, hence all the money for the giant house.

Because the two of them were always busy, Bee never had much of a relationship with them. When she was young, she ran away with River's dad, a decision that Greta and Garrett told her was a mistake.

While River and eventually Mercy came from the union, not much else did. River's dad ran out on the family shortly after Mercy was born, but not once did Bee go crawling back to her parents.

This time, it was different...

It was hard staying positive while surrounded by so many strange things. River's room had been decorated by her grandma before her arrival, which was sweet and all, but everything felt so foreign. Before she would have cursed the hodge-podge of yard sale furniture and crappy thrift store finds in her old room, but now she wanted it more than ever.

She felt so out of place here.

Even worse was how her sister kept avoiding her and treating her like she had some kind of disease. When she was in the hospital, Mercy seemed concerned, but ever since she got out, things between the two of them were more tense than they'd ever been.

Bad vibes? River wondered. Where did she learn that phrase? Doesn't she understand what I've been through?

Of course she didn't, and hopefully never would, but it still hurt that Mercy was being so cruel.

One saving grace about the house and the situation, was that Grandma Greta had turned her husband's "man cave" in the basement that he no longer used, into a cool hangout for River.

"Just in case you want to get away from it all." She'd said.

A few nights after River had settled into the house, she decided to pull out the letter that her mom had given her in the hospital.

The letter from Ichiban.

So, the rumors among her classmates had been true all along. Ichiban was from one of those Mt. Komorebi crime families. Even with the promise of seeing each other again in the future, how could he be so sure? What if he ended up in prison, or worse?

She wanted to scream to the high heavens about everything. She didn't even know how to describe how she was feeling, but it all hurt so damn bad.

Thankfully, she had her first counseling session was coming up. Hopefully this doctor would help her get her mind straight again.

[asktheheirofslytherin]

My fucking life is a mess. My mom expects me to take care of my 8 y.o cousin and she's going to leave me home alone. She keeps nagging for me to tutor him, and when I've had enough, she keeps blaming me like, "Your cousin loves you! Why don't you love him back?" I love him, don't get me wrong, but I can't deal with an over-extroverted, curious child. His talking wears me out mentally, it was much more easier when we were young and both stupid. I keep saying I need a break, but end up getting reprimanded. She wants me to sleep with him, to accompany him, but to tell you the truth– I'm on Satan's Waterfall rn (if you know what I mean 🔴) and I can't risk that sort of thing. I'm barely even 12, and I can't handle that sort of peer pressure.

Even my grandma is nagging me to teach him, and he's a good boy with good intentions but he's... a handful, to say the least.

I'm an introvert who's prone to overthinking and I prefer being alone rather than crowds (they wear me out) and plus that kid. I'm totally fucked. The worst thing is that he's staying over. Hopely it's only for a day or so I'll probably cut myself with a paper clip. (I use a paperclip because it prevents me from crying and it doesn't really hurt)

I am sorry to hear your winter holidays have turned out to be so very stressful. 

There is a reason, in Hogwarts, that Prefects are not appointed until fifth year. Being responsible for the well-being of the younger students is a difficult task. I personally find it unwise to expect a second year to be a full time babysitter to a younger cousin, but it does happen. Bella is the eldest of three, and still speaks of how she was forever dealing with the stresses of having Narcissa in tow. Family is highly prized in pureblood families, and no doubt the elders in yours are attempting to force some of this responsibility and connection upon you and your cousin. I expect they reason this will help the next generation forge their loyalties and bonds - and while this is correct to some degree, I do admit some families get a bit carried away. 

Take solace that this is a temporary arrangement. it looks like nothing can be done this time around, but perhaps afterwards, you can speak with your mother and let her know that you found the complete lack of adult supervision to be stressful, that while you love your cousin dearly, you were overwhelmed by the responsibility. Frame the question as a request for assistance to alleviate the burden. Remind her that you are only a second year - just three or four years ago, you would have needed to be watched, rather than be the watcher. 

What truly concerns me is that you have turned to harming yourself as a coping mechanism. I do not know your Hogwarts house, but in Slytherin, we take self-preservation very seriously. Our bodies our our vessels, our very selves. And yes, while I may have altered mine with magic (not without its consequences!) I have found it generally illogical to harm oneself. You will be needing your body, you know. People seem to take their physical form for granted, but I know better, as I - ah. I am rambling now, ruminating on a deeply personal trauma, I suppose.  

What I am trying to say is that you seem to be experiencing a great deal of overwhelm, and feel as though harm is your only option. It is not. there are ways to address this overwhelm directly, which will result in a better outcome for you in the long term. If you cannot speak freely to your parents about this impulse, I implore you to speak with a trusted professor, extended relative, or any other trusted adult you know in real life. (Due to the pandemic, you need not approach them in person - zoom, text, vine, snapface, owl - any of that would work). Just as long as they are a person you know and trust, as I, the Dark Lord, am not an adequate substitute for a support system. I am far too busy working towards total dominion over Britain, you see. Although I am not too busy for an occasional update on your situation. Just do not be alarmed if I do not respond immediately. Traitors cannot interrogate themselves, you know, and you should see the paperwork in my “in-tray.” 

Best of luck, and I do hope you have a pleasing holiday, despite everything. 

--

((OOC: If OP or anyone reading this finds themselves currently in a crisis: the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255 (En Español: 1-888-628-9454; Deaf and Hard of Hearing: 1-800-799-4889) or the Crisis Text Line can be contacted by texting HOME to 741741. Stay safe, guys.))

[chibivesicle]

>>>so this notion seems a bit too ideal to me at least which i picked up from your analysis, for him to desiring to be accepted that much when he previously denied himself a chance to do it. i can't say he was too clouded by his own judgment and only wanted to prove a point by killing his half-brother, he's much more sane to act like that. so i wondered if you really want him to get his redemption arc that badly and support ogata on his way facing all the consequences?

Hello Anon,

I have to admit I’m not quite sure what post you arereferring to directly, so based on your questions, I’m going to have to assume youare responding to my most recent ask here:

 https://chibivesicle.tumblr.com/post/185074640517/weve-seen-several-examples-of-ogata-trying-to-win

If I understand your question and thesis properly, youthink that Ogata wanted to be accepted by Asirpa over Sugimoto is too “ideal”.  I have to admit I’m not sure what you mean by“ideal”.  Does “ideal” mean that Ogatawants to have his emotional needs met and he doesn’t have a right to have his needsmet?  Or that he doesn’t feel emotions,so he again doesn’t have any emotional needs? Or something else?

 I’m thinking the first definition of ideal since you referto him denying being accepted by Yuusaku before he met Asirpa.  If this is what you are thinking, myunderstanding is that you felt that Yuusaku accepted Ogata and that Ogata deniedYuusaku’s acceptance.  

 So, let’s go back and down the limited information that weknow about Ogata and Yuusaku’s interactions. Ogata and his mom were abandoned by Hanazawa when Yuusaku was born.  Ogata and his mom get taken back to Ibarakiby grandma Ogata and she takes care of them with grandpa.  Therefore, Ogata grows up in poverty with amom who suffers from mental illness and he wants her wish to see Hanazawa to begranted (it fails).  

 Ogata is a superior private in the 27th.  Yuusaku gets assigned to their unit underTsurumi’s command as the flag bearer. Yuusaku only finds out that Ogata is his older brother while in the 27th.  That means someone in the 27thspilled the beans.  Now, Ogata obviouslyknows who Yuusaku is when he joins the 27th, he knows who his fatheris, and he knew that the legal heir is a son and must be Yuusaku.  One could argue that Yuusaku’s very existenceresulted in the hurt and pain of Ogata and his mother as they get abandoned byHanazawa.  If there were no Yuusaku,maybe Ogata would have been adopted as a legal heir, but based on Hanazawa’spersonality, I’d see him trying until he had a son, he’s clearly far to imageworried.

We know from Tsukishima’s flashback that Tsurumi’s Ainu planwas in motion before the Russo-Japanese war. We know that Tsurumi is collecting trusted men before then and duringthe war.  Ogata is clearly one of theselect few during the war.  Yuusaku’s issue is that he is not the type of man to serve Tsurumi post-war as a partof the Ainu plan.  The rumors are that heis of high moral character.  Add intothis the fact that Ogata tells us that Yuusaku was thrilled to find out he hada brother.  And thus, Yuusaku begins avery one-sided and ultimately hurtful relationship with Ogata.  He calls him out in public, calling himbrother in front of everyone and not following rank.  He chases after Ogata to interact with himand greatly desires for Ogata to return his feelings.  Ogata’s body language towards him is cautiousand distant.  He does not socialize withhim and actively avoids him and all of the additional unwanted attention withit.

All of this is not good for Ogata.  His personality doesn’t win him many friends,we know from 169 on how Koito says his personality alone irritated people andhe’s the son of a wildcat and he was bullied b/c of the nickname.  Yuusaku publicly talking to him likely onlyhelped to stoke the wildcat rumors even more.

Chapter 164 shows Ogata taking Yuusaku out with him in theevening on Tsurumi’s orders.  This is atest of Yuusaku’s character to see if he could work with team Tsurumi post waron the Ainu plan.  Yuusaku is beyondelated that Ogata asked him to join him but he doesn’t even stop to wonder whyOgata, who avoided him all this time all of a sudden is friendly with him.  This is b/c Ogata isn’t doing this for himself,he’s doing this for Tsurumi.  Of course,Yuusaku fails the test of character at the brothel and Ogata has him leave discretely.  He then talks to Tsurumi about his characterand it shows where Tsurumi may have stoked Ogata’s anger towards him bydropping the line about a “noble” bloodline which Ogata clearly thinks it totalbullshit since Hanazawa is anything but noble.

Chapter 165 then reveals that Tsurumi had come to theconclusion that their original plan to kill Yuusaku is on hold.  He’s useful for the time being, butultimately, he’s still a problem.  I amstill unsure of Ogata’s test of Yuusaku’s character is something of his owndesign or Tsurumi’s.  It may not evenmatter – the situation with the Russian POW shows that Yuusaku is a man who isunable to go against his father’s wishes and has made himself an idol for themen to atone for everyone’s guilt.  Thisthen leads to what I see as the ultimate insult to Ogata by Yuusaku; he tellshim that it isn’t right that people like him exist. Ogata is hurting and in pain and Yuusaku hasinsulted his coping mechanism by rejecting him. The entire hugging scene is one-sided, Yuusaku embraces him and crieswhile Ogata goes deep into himself to feel nothing.

Yuusaku never sought to understand or get to knowOgata.  He wanted to fulfill his own naïveand selfish desires to have an older brother. But all relationships require both people to be involved and Ogata wasnever engaged with him to begin with.

I don’t think Ogata was proving a point per se by shooting hisbrother, he wanted Asirpa to validate his flawed hypothesis that “pure” peopledon’t exist by having her shoot him.  Ogataknows what Wilk was training her to become, he doesn’t see an issue withstarting her on the path to become the next Wilk.

Others and I feel that Tsurumi manipulated Ogata into toshooting Yuusaku; Ogata had no ties or emotional connection to Yuusaku, henever sought him out for brotherly bonding etc. Tsurumi wanted to make sure Ogata would serve him well – he wanted toput Ogata in a position to meet his “needs” and be loyal to him, he thoughtthat Ogata wanted his father’s position and status but for that to happen,Yuusaku and Hanazawa needed to not exist.  Oh and as a bonus by getting rid of Yuusaku before the end of the war and then making Hanazawa be a fall guy that lead to the mistreatment of the 7th made Tsurumi’s position even stronger. Furthermore, in 103, Ogata tells Hanazawa that he was never jealous ofYuusaku, instead he wanted to be loved by Hanazawa.  One way that could happen was if Hanazawawanted to accept this rejected son; of course, just like with his mother,Hanazawa wasn’t going to find Ogata either.

As far as referring to Ogata as being “more sane”  than to shoothis brother – keep in mind that no one has implied Ogata to be insane.  I among others have hypothesized that hesuffers from mental illness (depression/self-harm tendencies) but that does notmean that he’s insane.  He is hurting anddoes not value himself.  Yuusaku didn’tvalue him as a person, Yuusaku saw him as a brother that he wanted but not forOgata.  Yuusaku desired Ogata as the concept of him being an older brother.

I already wrote a long analysis on Yuusaku here and thisexplains more of what I’ve just said in greater depth:

https://chibivesicle.tumblr.com/post/182750848382/why-is-yuusaku-so-awkward-with-ogata

I agree with you that during the fever dream Ogata feels guiltyabout shooting Yuusaku; I think Ogata feels guilty about everyone he’skilled.  The problem is that his copingmechanism is to pretend as though he doesn’t feel guilty. 

The character who has a similar copingmechanism is Asirpa.  She was in so muchpain over her father’s death and the departure of Retar that she buried Wilk’sname deep in brain.  Both characters tryto push their feelings down to numb themselves. It is just that Ogata is 100x better at this than Asirpa and has beendoing it for much longer.  He tries toconsole himself by saying he doesn’t feel anything, but he has feelings b/c heis human and that he isn’t actually lacking something – he tellshimself he is lacking.

The difference between Yuusaku and Asirpa is that Asirpadoesn’t force herself on Ogata.  Shedoesn’t follow him around and draw attention to him.  Instead, she praises him when he does welland keeps her distance from him even though she wants to be closer attimes.  Asirpa treats Ogata like aregular person and doesn’t hold anything against him.  This is the major difference between her andYuusaku, she doesn’t have preconceived notions about Ogata, she doesn’t knowhis background all she sees is that he’s good at bringing home some dinner andshe gladly accepts his gifts.  SinceOgata is someone who pays others back equally, at times he returns “gifts” toher, by behaving certain ways and doing cultural practices that Asirpa deemsimportant.

The problem is that even though Asirpa and Yuusaku aredifferent and treated him in totally different ways, he can’t pull apart therole of their father’s in shaping them to be idols for various causes.  In Ogata’s mind the sins of the father are stilla part of the child.  He takesassumptions he learned from Yuusaku and he unfairly imposes them on Asirpa eventhough she’s not the same as Yuusaku.  WhenAsirpa rejects him, he’s incredibly hurt and since he doesn’t deal well withhis feelings b/c they are poorly developed and repressed. All of his feelings come pouringout at the same time and he lashes out at her.

He sees himself as good as dead – when Sugimoto gets there, he’s goingto kill him.  Why not have Asirpa killhim instead?  It is cruel and unfair ofhim but if she did shoot him, he’d have proven his flawed hypothesis that thereare no “pure” people.  He’s cornered,desperate and heartbroken that Asirpa will always choose Sugimoto overhim.  This proves to him that he’s lackingsomething b/c Asirpa doesn’t accept him as is at that moment.

Getting to your last part of your questions; I’m not aMarvel fan so all I know is that Thanos is the big bad guy in the mostrecent Avengers movie and he’s terrible. I don’t know that much about the MCU but I don’t think Ogata = Thanos.  

I think a common misconception about us [the people who areanalyzing Ogata in meta form] is that we believe he’s done no wrongs and he shouldbe given a “pass”.  Now, there are a lotof opinions of him in the fandom and many other people on twitter and whatnotbelieve in Ogata getting a redemption arc. I have avoided using the phrase “redemption arc” in my Ogata meta.  I personally don’t believe in him getting a “redemptionarc”, I want Ogata to recognize how he’s in pain and hurting. I want him toheal and move on with his life and fully accept how his past actions have hurthim and he will have to deal with them the rest of his life.  But since Ogata is coded in a Christiancontext, he very well may get forgiveness for his sins, if he admits that hehas sinned or he may be one of the last who will be first while the first will be last characters … We shall see.

As a fan of Ogata, I want for him to find a place to belong,be accepted, find love and find it in himself to accept himself and love himself.  I don’t think Ogata deserves a free pass, butno character in this series deserves a free pass, they’ve all hurt others andthemselves in the process.  

Sugimoto is Ogata’s foil, he lashes out with his pain andhurt and inflicts it on others and uses it as an excuse to commit horribleacts.  Ogata inflicts pain on himself andtells himself it doesn’t hurt and uses that as his excuse to commit horribleacts.  Both men are trying to remove thepain and hurt from killing, but one projects it outwards onto others while theother buries in himself.  Neither arehealthy, but they are dealing with the same thing.

Lastly, you seem to dislike the fact that my analyses of Ogatalack self-awareness.  Based on your questionyou think that Ogata would be aware of his actions and understand the resultsof his actions and feel more deeply (or obviously) about his actions.  Or at least that is how I understand yourstatement…

I can respond to this concept several different ways:

i.) Ogata purposely is burying his self-awareness as his copingmechanism. 

This could come out of his melt-down on ice with Asirpa �� “youcan do it too, the rest of us have… .” – this is a very decent theory. Ogata doesn’t show self-awareness b/c if he did, he has to change how hecopes with his pain, suffering and PTSD.  I personally like this one the best –therefore, I cannot critique his lack of self-awareness b/c he doesn’t wantothers to know about it, including us, the readers.  Self-awareness would be a weakness for himand he is trying to survive the hunt for the gold by any means possible.  

ii.) Ogata is not asself-aware as you desire him to be.  

I don’t know what your life experience is, but every personhas a blind spot in their self-awareness that they cannot see but others can.  We are readers who see everything that Ogatadoes so it is easy for people to judge and critique his actions.  No matter how self-aware you think you are ofyourself, the older you become, you still miss things about yourself and howyou see yourself.  Since Ogata doesn’t activelyengage with most and keeps to himself, he isn’t in a situation whereself-awareness would be a thing he’d be concerned with.  He’d have to have friends close enough to himto get him to reflect on his actions and become more self-aware.  It is very clear that Ogata has no emotionalsupport from others for most of his adult life so he wouldn’t be too concernedabout being self-aware.

iii.) Ogata’s self-awareness is irrelevant to his character.  Instead, Ogata makes rationaldecisions that are flawed but does it anyways.

His mother wants to see his father, so he kills her.  His father doesn’t come for her, thus hurtingher and himself.  He may haverationalized this as a mercy kill as well, she wasn’t well so what happened toher ultimately didn’t matter.  Ogata shotSugimoto from a purely tactical perspective, Kiro said he didn’t need to shoothim, but Ogata knows removing Sugimoto is to their advantage.  I also think Ogata was afraid that Sugimotowould end up hurting Asirpa, so no harm in getting him out of the picture.  Ogata realized that Tanigaki wasn’t on thesame side at Tamai & co.  His reasoningthat Tanigaki killed them isn’t flawed and he again tactically was smart to tryto eliminate Tanigaki – by not killing him, Tanigaki was used by Inkarmat toupdate Tsurumi on their plans.  Finally,Ogata fills in the gaps on what he thought Wilk wanted Asirpa to do.  He clearly disagrees with this at first butas she stubbornly wants to stick to the path, he gets more desperate to get herto change her mind and when that fails, he just wants it to end.

So, does Ogata need to be analyzed with a character withmore self-awareness?  Honestly, I don’t thinkso.  I don’t think he’s thinking aboutthings in the context of his own self-awareness – that’s a very modern conceptof thought and not exactly one that people of his time and age would bespending a lot of time pondering.  Thesecharacters are trying to survive and come out on top/where they want tobe.  

Many readers don’t expect Sugimoto to become more self-awareso why would we expect the same of Ogata? More importantly, why aren’t readers calling for Tanigaki to be moreself-aware?  He went on a second revengequest and this time he killed Kiro – there is no way killing the tiger is goingto help him.  Ogata has dodged death whenhe wanted; dying on the ice was the easy way out – Ogata isn’t a character whois going to get an easy way out or free pass.

 And this has become a giant reply to an ask.  My apologies.

[so-caffeinated]

Something angsty just occurred to me when you mentioned the Fathers Day one shot-what Will's first mother's day after Samantha dies must be like. Oliver and Felicity probably encourage him to join their mother's day crunch/celebrations as usual but don't push too hard. Will comes but leaves early. He checks in on David &Bethany but leaves again to visit Sams grave. Felicity finds him there&comforts him. He protests: she should be enjoying herday.I'm a mother Will,I can't be happyif my kids arent

WAY TO SEND ME ON A FUCKING ANGST SPIRAL, ANON. This became a HIGHLY DEPRESSING FLASHFIC with obvious warnings for coping with grief, loss and the death of a parent. I DID NOT ASK FOR THESE FEELS, ANON. 

May 2032

Will forgets about Mother’s Day until the week before when Nate gleefully whispers to him that he made his mom a necklace with glass beads and it’s really pretty and he thinks she’ll love it and isn’t that great? His heart sinks because he’d sort of blocked it all out of his mind entirely but there it is right in front of him anyhow: the first mother’s day without his mom.

When he goes to work the next morning he immediately offers to swap shifts with a woman on his truck who has two little kids and she’s delighted to have Mother’s Day off. It helps... at first. Keeping busy is good. He learned that a while ago. 

Oliver invites him to dinner, not knowing about the shift change, and mentions that Felicity will understand either way. He mumbles back that he’s working but he bought her a nice plant - the kind she can’t easily kill because her gardening skills are right up there with her cooking skills. Oliver sees right through him but just says “okay” and squeezes his shoulder, adding “I’m here if you need anything. Even if it’s just to talk to sit quietly at a bar with a couple of beers. Okay?” Will doesn’t take him up on that, but he’s grateful anyhow. 

The night before, he works out to the point of exhaustion, spending way too much time in his dad’s gym and not saying a damned word to anyone. He doesn’t even try to make it home, instead passing out in his-old-room-turned-guest-room at his dad’s house. He knows Felicity’s worried; she keeps hovering like she wants to say something. Hell, he knows they’re all worried. Even Nate’s aware enough to be concerned, which is sort of astonishing until Will thinks about how much his baby brother loves his own mom. But he’s still more than a little surprised and incredibly touched when he wakes up the next morning to find Nate’s asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag. It might make Will a few minutes late for work, but he still stops to scoop the nine-year-old up and carry him back to his own room, tucking him into bed and ordering a very confused Buster - who cannot seem to figure out what one of the children is doing asleep somewhere other than a bed -to watch over the boy. 

Working through that first Mother’s Day without his mom turns out to be a mistake in more than one way. For one, he keeps thinking about David and Bethy. He should be there. He’d been so selfish wanting to work through the day and avoid thinking about it when he knows David’s at home with his not-quite-two-year-old trying to cope with the death of his wife just three months ago. He can’t stop thinking about what they’re doing, if David needs someone to lean on, if Bethy needs someone to give her extra love and attention. But the bigger problem presents itself in his job itself. There’s a car wreck they respond to, a family on their way home from Mother’s Day brunch and the mom has dark hair and a bloody gash on her forehead that makes her features a little less discernible and every time Will blinks, it’s his mom. The woman lives - it’s not honestly that bad of an injury - but Will spends the next fifteen minutes after they get back to the firehouse throwing up in the bathroom and the minute he comes out, his captain orders him to go home and take the rest of the week off to get his head on straight, tells him he gets it but if this happens again he’s gonna insist he be cleared by a psychiatrist before coming back to work. 

It’s still early when he leaves, way before the end of his shift, and he knows he could make it to Felicity’s dinner or spend some time talking to his mom’s grave to try and clear his head, but neither of those places need him right now. And, as much as he loves his dad and Felicity and Jules and Ellie and Nate, they’re not what he needs right now, either. 

He relies a lot heavier on the self-drive feature of his car than usual as it steers itself to David’s house - it’s the same one his mom lived in and when he looks around, sometimes it almost seems like she’s still there. The rose bushes she’d loved are just starting to grow new buds and the potpourri scent she liked best still sits in a glass dish by the front door that he’d picked out with her when he was just a kid. But those memories of his mom - of her making this place home - live in him and they live in David. They don’t live in Bethy. She’s so little. It’s only been three months, but she’s so little.

“Hey,” Will says, feeling guilty as hell when he walks in and finds David with his shoulders hunched over and a drawn look on his face. There’s no judgement on his stepfather’s face, though, just surprise at seeing him. “Will! Hi Hi!” Bethy greets him delightedly, reaching up in excitement. She’s only had her cast off for a month or so and the garish wound on her side from the accident has turned into a scar he’s pretty sure will never fade entirely. She doesn’t know about that, though. She doesn’t care. She’s 23 months old and she just wants the arms of someone who loves her, so Will scoops her up and kisses her forehead while she pats his cheeks. “Sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry,” he says. He’s talking to her, but he’s really talking to David and he knows it. “It’s okay. I get it,” David says, swallowing heavily. “I didn’t really want to be here today either.”

But he does, he thinks. He does want to be here. Or, maybe it’s that he needs to be here. There’s nowhere and nothing that can make all of this right, that can bring her back. He wants that, wants it more than anything, just for a minute, just for a second. He wishes he could at least tell his mom he loves her, that he always will. He wishes they could have at least left things on better terms. It all feels so stupid now, the way he’d rushed her off the phone, the times they’d argued over his job or him taking his dad’s last name or his difficulty accepting David and Bethy. He’ll do better now. He’ll always be accept them, forever be there for Bethy in any way she needs. And he knows, deep down, that his mom knew he loved her. 

Still... he wishes he could at least finish their time together in a tone more in keeping with the bulk of the way they’d lived it together. 

Beth makes a noise like a fire engine and he smiles at her - because how is that he ever didn’t smile at Bethy. “Do color?” she asks, pointing toward the absurdly huge bin of sparkly crayons that Grandma Donna had added to virtually every day Bethany was in the hospital - like the power of glitter alone might heal the little girl. “No, I think we should do something else,” Will tells her. “I want to look at some pictures.”

“My pictures?” Bethy asks smiling brightly. “Yup,” Will agrees. “Yours and mine and your daddy’s and your momma’s.”

“Will,” David says. It’s too much for the widower and Will can see that right away. His eyes are red-rimmed and his stubble unshaven and this day has already been too much for him. “Just me and Bethy,” Will tells him kindly. “How about you go take some time to yourself. Take a shower, read a book... whatever. I’ve got Bethy and I’ll order up some dinner from that Thai place.”

“I, uh... I made lasagna last night,” David says, sounding almost guilty about it and sniffling as he rubs his nose. “I tried to follow her recipe, but you know how she was. I’m sure she left something out when she wrote it down... she was always doing that... It won’t be as good.”

God, but if that doesn’t sound like a metaphor that makes Will want to be sick all over again. Only, with his family, he knows exactly what piece is missing. “I’m sure we’ll enjoy it anyhow,” he says, forcing himself to smile. David hugs him - that’s a new thing they do, only since his mom died, and Will is reminded starkly every time that the man has no one else - and he kisses Bethany about a half dozen times on her soft little cheeks before heading back to the room he used to share with his wife. 

Will doesn’t know how he does it. He doesn’t know how any of them do it, but especially not David.  

He spends the next half an hour showing Bethany pictures of them with their mom, telling her stories about her own first steps or the day she was born or that time she threw an entire bowl of applesauce at her mom’s face. She won’t remember it this time, it won’t stick yet, but he’ll keep telling her, he decides, and eventually she’ll know these stories like her own name. Her mom will be a part of her life, if only through the secondhand retelling of it. 

They spend the next half hour coloring. Beth still just scribbles but she says it’s her family and she points to the blue one and says it’s her mom. Will figures that’s a start and he asks her if he can keep it. It winds up being the first of Bethany’s drawings to decorate his fridge, but it’s far from the last. 

David comes out a bit later. He looks ever-so-slightly better and the three of them eat a mediocre knockoff of his mom’s lasagna. They’ll never get it right. It’ll never be the same. But they’ll find a new usual way of making it that’s pretty good, anyhow. Will sticks around after dinner, cleaning up the dishes while David cleans up Bethany. She about breaks his damned heart when she heads to bed after her bath though. “Night-night, Will,” she says, kissing his cheek. “Night-night, Dada,” kissing her father. “Night-night, Momma,” she adds blowing a kiss to a picture on the wall. Will fakes a smile until she’s out of sight, headed to her bedroom, and then he cries over the sink the entire time that David somehow manages to tuck Bethy in. 

It’s not fair. Not to Bethany. Not to David. Not to his mom. And not to him. Sometimes it makes him so angry he could scream, has screamed, but that does no good and it just leaves him feeling more broken and helpless afterwards to he tries to breathe through those feelings and just let them go. He’s a firefighter, damn it. He knows how unfair life is, has seen it fade out of people’s eyes right in front of him. But his mom... his mom... 

“You okay?” David asks, startling him. “No,” he answers. “I’m really not.” David makes a noise that’s more a grunt of agreement than anything else. “That makes two of us,” his stepfather agrees. 

David’s not ready to talk about her directly - can’t even say Samantha’s name - and he’s definitely not going to sit around looking at pictures. But the two of them sit on the back porch with a pair of beers until David complains what a bitch it is to take care of rosebushes and Will points out that he thinks the lasagna usually has more garlic and, in spite of everything, that feels like a start. 

[founditinsilence]

You have a post about talking to you and I REALLY need to rant sooo *deep breath* My cousin died a few months back from cancer and he was only 26. Its shaken up our family especially my mom and recently my sister is saying suicidal stuff and I can't live without her. She said she didn't want to exist anymore and I had a panic attack that lasted about ten minutes. It got so bad I needed my inhaler and I'm so worried for my sister I don't want her to go and my mom can't deal with another loss, I'm

honey i’m so so so sorry to hear that

i was in a similar kind of position a few years ago and i know telling anyone can be the hardest part, it honestly took me months to even do that, so thank you for coming to me

i can’t imagine how hard this has been for you and your family

macmillan (the absolute babes) have a list of all the diff types of support you can find online, via phone or in person here, there’s groups and counselling and all sorts. some of them might not apply if you’re not in the uk but there’ll probably be equivalents wherever you are

if those things sound a bit much right now, ring a phoneline like samaritans or macmillan’s (the number’s everywhere on their website) and talk through your worries with them and ask them advice for each situation. they’ll be able to point you in the right direction way better than i can. it will feel good to get it out. i promise.

but rn your number one priority is you ok???? here are some tips so you can hopefully learn from my mistakes and find a better way of coping than i did:

number one. TALK. talk to strangers on the internet. chat to phone lines. find forums. SURROUND yourself by people at school or work or uni who are willing to listen but equally good at making you laugh. let at least one teacher know. if someone asks what’s up, don’t lie, even if you just say ‘family stuff’ - even if you just say you’re a bit down and ask the nicest thing that happened to them that day or for their best joke. 

don’t bring up the subject with your family yet if it doesn’t feel right but make sure you’re still having the normal conversations about their day, what they had for lunch, what’s on telly tonight.

Oh My God just please don’t do what i did it was like slowly combusting from the inside out i was literally like a helium balloon someone just kept blowing up

i didn’t tell a soul apart from my tumblr followers which (as much as ily all) was Not My Wisest Move. it just meant that the grief manifested itself physically in heart palpitations and hair loss and weight loss instead of words. Not Good.

two, go to the doctor if you’re feeling any physical symptoms At All

three, grieve how you need to grieve. my dad needed to grieve his brother by telling funny childhood stories about him. his sons needed to make jokes. my grandma needed to pretend things were normal. to begin with i couldn’t understand why they were all doing it ‘wrong’, because all i wanted was to spend time alone and write soppy poems. but everyone’s different and you’ve all got to support everyone’s own way and pace of doing things.

hold your sister if she needs holding and leave her alone if she needs leaving alone. help your mum round the house. know that you’re doing your best even if it goes unnoticed for now. take care of yourself, take time to relax.

i think that’s it. i hope some of that helped even a little bit. i half understand what you’re going through rn and it’s absolutely shit, but it gets better and there’s loads of support out there to help you get there, you’re not in any way alone x