#I hurt myself a lot of ways yesterday and I kinda regret it kinda don't but I've never had this happen where I'm on the verge of fainting

[17snifflesandsnzes]

Okay, here's another one of my ao3 fics but it's divided into 2 parts. Here's part one.

I Guess You Could Say We're Inseparable (1)

Seungkwan p.o.v:

You know that feeling when you know a day's gonna go terribly even though you just woke up? Yeah, that was exactly how I felt today. Waking up early like I usually do, I could feel my head ache slightly as I went on with my morning routine. My schedule for today was minimal so I got through it quickly. However, I could feel my headache get worse throughout the day to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open through the pain. The part where I really messed up came after all the members had finished with their personal schedules and were resting in the living room. When I saw Chan walk up to where I was sitting, I internally groaned. I really did not need his energy right now. “Hyung, how'd your day go?” Chan asked as he sat down next to me on the couch, leaning against me. I sighed, “Nothing much, I just had a recording for the guide of a song.” Chan nodded. If he noticed how annoyed I sounded, he didn't say anything. He didn't really speak much after that. But then he turned to me expectantly. “Hyung, could you help me with something? I got an opportunity recently to sing an OST for a drama. Could you give me a few tips? You've sung a lot of OSTs.” Even the thought of giving advice when my head felt like it was on the verge of exploding made me instantly lose my temper. “Chan-ah, I don't think you need advice. They probably picked you because they didn't need a skilled vocalist so improving would kinda be against the point.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I immediately regretted both the words and the ‘matter-of-fact’ tone I said them in. Chan pulled away from me, his eyes looking betrayed and hurt. “What's that supposed to mean? What do you mean, they don't need a ‘skilled’ vocalist?!” His voice rose in volume at the end and he stood up. He wanted to get away from me, I realized. I stood up too, guilt flooding my mind and dread seeping into my bones. “Chan-ah, I-” “No, hyung. You meant what you said, all right? You can't just take it back now. And I thought you'd be happy for me…” Knowing Chan for as long as I did, I didn't miss the slight crack in his voice at the last sentence and I felt my own eyes fill with tears. “Chan-” “I don't want to talk to you, hyung.” Chan said, avoiding my eyes before he stormed into his room, slamming the door behind him. At the sound, Vernon looked up from his phone. He mouthed at me, “What was that?” but I just shook my head. 

What a way to end the night.

As I woke up the next day, the events of last night came back to me instantly. I wanted to go to Chan and apologize right away but I knew he was hurt and wouldn't listen to me anyway. I just lay in bed wallowing in self-pity when I realized how awful I felt. My headache from yesterday was still there but now it was accompanied by a tickle at the back of my sinuses along with an extremely dry throat. I sat up, groaning at the pain all over my body. After dragging myself through my morning routine, I walked to the kitchen, desperate for some painkillers. To my dismay, the only person in the kitchen at the time was Chan. He looked up when he heard footsteps but immediately looked back down when he saw it was me. I tried not to be too hurt knowing I was the one who'd hurt him. I took some painkillers with some water and sat down at the table, carefully sitting away from Chan. After my entry, Chan was completely ignoring my presence in the room and even though I told myself it was fine, it really wasn't. It had been a long time since I'd fought with Chan. I definitely forgot how crappy it felt. We sat there in complete silence before Soonyoung walked in. Chan brightened up at the sight of him as the two started talking about our dance practice today. Soonyoung had wished me a good morning before talking to Chan but it hurt when both of them started talking, ignoring me completely. Maybe it was the headache but I felt my eyes burn with oncoming tears which I quickly blinked away. As if he could almost sense my sadness, Soonyoung turned to me. “Seungkwan-ah, do you want to eat breakfast?” I shook my head, not really having much of an appetite. He looked worried but nodded as Chan entered the kitchen, taking out some ingredients from the fridge for their breakfast. Of course, I should've known that it must've been Chan who wanted to know if I would eat because Soonyoung couldn't even cook. I felt even more hurt because he could've just asked me himself instead of making Soonyoung do it. Feeling out of place, I stood up and headed to the company vans, getting into one of them. As I sat there alone, I heard someone approach the van. I looked up but as soon as I saw it was Chan, I looked back down (much like how Chan had done previously). Chan entered the van and sat farthest from me.  As we sat there in uncomfortable silence, I could feel a sharp tickling sensation at the back of my sinuses. I rubbed at my nose trying to keep the tickle at bay but it was useless. As I really didn't want to sneeze, especially not in front of Chan, I pinched my nose shut. It worked for a while but my victory was short-lived. My nose started tickling again immediately after I released it and soon my breath started hitching as well. Turning away from Chan, I cupped my nose and mouth with my hand, breath hitching desperately. “hh'ItShUhH!-” I saw Chan look up from his phone at the sneeze but he remained silent. I took a deep breath before going back to my phone, sniffling wetly. 

Dino pov:

You know how much it hurts when your best friend of 10 years doesn't get excited for you when you get an amazing opportunity to try something new and instead says that you only got the opportunity because you weren't that skilled? Well, unfortunately now I do. I had noticed Seungkwan had been a bit tired when I walked up to him to ask him about his day. But I hadn't expected him to say what he said when all I wanted was advice. As his words had nearly pushed me to tears (the reason I hadn't cried was only because I left the room fast enough), it was only fair that I didn't want to talk to him. But as he walked into the kitchen this morning, it had been difficult for me to ignore his presence like that. Especially because he looked even more tired than yesterday and his eyes looked watery. When he left the kitchen, Soonyoung hyung asked me what had happened between us and I just shrugged. Finishing my breakfast, I walked to one of our company vans. I hadn't expected Seungkwan to be there but I felt slightly sorry that he had to sit there all alone. But as the events from last night came back to me, I immediately stopped feeling guilty. We sat there in uncomfortable silence until I heard Seungkwan gasp softly before sneezing wetly. I looked up but not wanting to look at him, looked back down again. Soon all the other members got ready and entered the company vans and we started heading towards the company. Seungkwan had been relatively silent throughout the ride, not speaking even once. At some point, I'd looked at him and he'd been rubbing at his nose with his wrist, breathing through his mouth. As I looked at him now, his nose was very pink and his eyes were definitely more watery than before. I had the sudden dread that I had possibly made him cry when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him cup both his hands over his nose and mouth, his eyes fluttering shut. “hh'KtChuHh!- hh'IkkSHuhh!- hh’NgChuhH!-” He looked back up, his ears bright red. “God bless you!” Vernon, who was sitting in front of us, said and Seungkwan thanked him. I looked back down at my phone, worry instantly seeping into me. Seungkwan rarely ever sneezed unless he was sick. Him sneezing 3 times in a row could only mean that he was sick. But I still felt hurt by his words yesterday and so I kept my mouth shut.

Today, all of us just had a group dance practice where we would get used to the choreography for our next comeback. We entered the practice studio and our staff set up the speakers. As I began stretching and warming up, I looked at Seungkwan out of the corner of my eye. Usually, he would be stretching while talking to one of the members, trying to lighten up the mood before we start practicing. But today he just stood to the side of the practice room, stretching alone and not talking to anyone. I saw him rub his wrist against his nose and I could swear I saw him stifle a sneeze soon after. I felt my chest tighten. I knew Seungkwan felt guilty about yesterday and he didn't want to draw any more attention to himself by admitting he was sick. I sighed heavily, not taking my eyes off of Seungkwan. Soonyoung hyung joined me as I started going through our old choreography. “Chan-ah, what is going on between you and Seungkwan? Whatever it is, he looks really miserable because of it. And I can tell you miss him too.” He gave me a knowing look and I sighed again. “It's just- I don't know! He really hurt my feelings yesterday and I don't want to forgive him so easily.” Soonyoung put an arm around my shoulders. “You not forgiving him is hurting you more, okay? Just try talking to him, maybe it'll work out.” I nodded but I wasn't really paying attention to his words, too busy keeping an eye on Seungkwan. Soonyoung must've noticed because he smiled at me knowingly before walking off to the front of the room. I took my spot at the center, Seungkwan to my right. Soonyoung was just about to start the music when Seungkwan raised a hand, his eyes half closed. “Hyung, could you wait a second?” He asked, breath hitching. “I…need to-  hh… hiitChuhH!- hh'KtShuhH!- hh'IkTChuHh!-” He sniffled wetly before running his hands over his face. “Okay, I'm good. We can start now, sorry.” Despite myself, I turned to him. “Don't apologize.” Seungkwan looked at me in shock, like he didn't expect me to acknowledge him at all. Not gonna lie, that did kinda hurt. “Bless you, Kwannie.” Joshua hyung said to Seungkwan and Seungkwan thanked him. When we finally started practicing, I immediately noticed how tired Seungkwan looked. His movements had absolutely no energy and he was stumbling constantly too. When I got a look at him, he looked so much worse than before. His eyes were watery and his nose was completely rubbed raw. His lips were chapped too, probably because he was breathing primarily through his mouth by now. After an hour of grueling practice with our choreographers, Soonyoung walked up to the front of the practice room. “Okay guys, I think we've all gotten the choreography down. Some of the members still need to perfect it so Chan and I would be teaching it to you personally.” He turned to Joshua. “Shua hyung still needs to get some movements right so I'll be helping him with that,” He then turned to me and Seungkwan. “Kwannie also needs to perfect the choreography and I want Channie to help him with that. The rest of the members can do whatever they want since we don't have any schedules after this.” There was a loud cheer from the rest of the members while Joshua groaned, equally as loudly. Soonyoung patted him on the back before leading him to one side of the practice room.

[oinkgoesthecat]

There's a lot on my brain.

Sheik and I had a fight I think? He revealed privileged information he wasn't supposed to. Honestly tonight he was just a little too free with the information.

I have to keep reminding myself that it was a boundary he crossed. And I'm allowed to be upset with him.

I'm upset with his reaction too. It's a strange balancing act in my mind right now. I'm trying to reassure him that we are still okay. But I'm also trying to allow myself to feel the hurt feelings without gaslighting myself at some level. I do that a lot. I gaslight myself into thinking I'm being over dramatic. But I'm not usually. I'm usually upset over something reasonable but I convince myself it's not a big deal. Or I have the argument in my head and manage to convince myself it's fine now. Which is a terrible habit because then the other person and I never came to an understanding.

I'm upset that Sheik left like he did. I kept trying to use some variation of the phrase "I'm more upset that he..." No. I am ALSO upset that he ran away from me. I'm angry and hurt by it. He shut down and ran away. I know that reaction well. Cuz samesies. And I hate that my knee-jerk reaction was to minimize it when I saw that he was upset. And I hate it so much. I don't need to convince myself that I'm not hurt or upset by something. I'm allowed to express displeasure. I'm allowed to be hurt.

It's something I'm working on. It's really hard. I need him to be okay and have our friendship, for lack of a better word, bounce back. I don't want him to beat himself up over it all.

But need him to be more careful. He is the only one I'm as honest with as I am with him. He is the only one I trust like that. He knows more than anyone else. I plan to blow up my life soon, and I can't do that until I feel safe enough. Because I can't just go home and be like "I know you're out of a job and I'm the only thing keeping us afloat but I want to live life on my own terms so I'm moving back home and breaking up with you". That would be a fucking disaster. An accidental reveal could ruin my plans and contingencies. I may not need them, it might be amicable and okay. But I've never seen a healthy long-term breakup, so I don't know honestly. I don't even know how to do this. I'm terrified.

Yesterday was so good between us too. My night was kinda shit, the whole getting robbed thing was a bummer. But then he was drunk. Which was adorable, btw. He gets chatty. And flirty. He kept insisting on holding my hand or touching me in some way. And kept telling me my skin was so soft. Oh and then he kissed me. Twice. And he claimed he was definitely going to remember it and not going to regret it. I have no regrets. I liked kissing him. Which is probably not something I should do but I crossed that line a long time ago. I want him to kiss me when he's sober. I want to know that I am not a convenient toy for him. I may enjoy being his plaything, but I don't enjoy being played. I don't want to lose his friendship. His friendship is important to me. I want to see him lay his cards on the table. At least a few of them. He admitted a lot more than I think he intended to while he was drunk. He admitted he spends a lot of time worrying about me. I think he feels bad that I got robbed and it was after he left and if he was there it wouldn't have happened. And he admitted he cares about me. I think he got too vulnerable. And now he's compensating by being super assholish.

I want to call him out. I want to actually talk to him for realsies and tell him that's against the rules. I want him to understand. I want to let him past all of my walls. I want to have him see ME. Not vapid whiny plaything. My three levels of false personality. I'm not actually that vapid, it's just easier being a vain shallow girl. If I'm complaining about something surface-level, I'm able to ignore everything else. And the easiest way to be falsely vulnerable is to act like a whore. I'm so open about my sexuality, so I'm an open book. In reality, I'm not very good at voicing my desires at all. I'm so shy. But I want to be better at it.

Omg. Wait. No. Some things he's said are adding up now. He definitely cares about me. More than he intended to. I'm not so naive to think he's in love with me, but do think he cares as more than a friend. And I don't put it past him to self-sabotage. Maybe this is projection, maybe none of this is real at all. Maybe I am just a passing entertainment. I don't know because he won't lay enough cards on the fucking table. But I think I am going to make him have a conversation with me. I need him to understand what's at stake for me. I need to say out loud that I intend to leave Tavion. I need him to know that I didn't expect him to fix me. I expect him to be my friend. Because he is my most constant thing right now and the only person who has come into my life with no expectations or preconceived notions in so long. And it's so freeing b because I can be anyone I want to be with him. I'm addicted to being honest with him. But I need more honesty from him. Not his weird honestly where he tries to scare me away. I want the honesty I got from him while we sat outside together talking, and I let things get further than was responsible considering I was at work. I just want to get our friendship back on track. I need to know that my being upset didn't ruin everything. I don't want him punishing himself the way I know he is.

I feel like a bad person. I don't want to be where I am. I don't want to bring Tavion anymore. I don't think I have romantic feelings for him anymore. I love him. But not the way I used to. And that's hard to admit. But I want to live my own life so desperately. I want to be myself. Not Quettes daughter, not T'avions Girlfriend. I want to be Vi. Full stop. I get to be myself and live how I want to now. But I'm scared. I don't know how to end this. I don't know what my next step is yet. Yes, I do, next step is my license. I feel bad. I know I'm going to hurt him. I don't want to leave him in a place he can't get out of. I know my leaving is going to hurt him financially and feel bad for that. But I can't keep living my life in fear of hurting him. I want to live my life.

[pathologising]

hi genuine quastion is there anything I can do to stop the fact that I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of fainting even when I'm resting / sitting bevause its freaky <\3

[a-snow-decahedron]

Learn to Dodge

Ok but imagine being Frisk and sucking at dodging bullets

it's 3 am im not apologizing for this.

warning for Frisk cursing a lot, because they deserve it and also because it's really funny to think the only reason they don't have dialogue is because it would change the rating of the game

sans: haven't i done a great job protecting you?

sans: i mean, look at yourself, you haven't died a single time

sans: hey, what's that look supposed to mean? am i wrong?

Frisk: That's such bullshit.

sans: language, bucko.

Frisk: No you shut up! I died so many times i can't count and you didn't do shit a single time.

sans: you did what-

Frisk: yeah you fucking heard me. I get to swear all i want after that.

sans: *realization hitting him like a brick* look, kid, there's a lot to unpack here. but first, when did u die?

Frisk: Oh now you care, don't you? Pretty much everyone's killed me at least once. I died like 10 times to Undyne alone and you were fucking napping!

sans: *lowkey feeling regret at his words* wait... everyone? even my bro?

Frisk: nah, Papyrus' cool. Still scared the crap out of me the first time he captured me. He's a little lost about humans but he's got the spirit.

sans: the dogi?

Frisk: 3 times

sans: Greater dog?

Frisk: twice

sans: alright, i guess that's valid. but i can't think of anyone else that could do some serious damage kid. seriously, did ya die to some teens? to jerry? to a woshua?

Frisk: Say that last name again and i'm throwing a chair.

sans: oh boy, how much didja die...

Frisk: Sans, look at me in the eyes. I'm opening them wide for you. Look at me, at my armor.

sans: what about it.

Frisk: you know temmie village?

sans: yeah

Frisk: Tem sells this armor for so much money you could pay your tab at Grillby's

sans: did u pick up a fight to get the money. come on kiddo, of course you got hurt doing that.

Frisk: I'm not done yet. So outside the village there's this dark as fuck maze and it's filled with Woshues and Moldbyggs and all. But every time I died, Sans. Every time you let my soul break into little tiny pieces. Temmie sold the armor for cheaper.

sans: how the he...ck would temmie know how many times you died?

sans, to himself: i could visit the village for research, bet they know something i don't

Frisk: Hey bonehead, wanna know how much it cost?

sans: sure, go ahead

Frisk: it started at like 4500 G. I already died a few times beforehand so it was probably more expensive than that. But that fucking maze is worse than my old neighborhood in the surface, man. I died so much the price got to 1400G I think.

sans: holy crap.

Frisk: it was still too much yknow, every time I died I lost my progress so I had to keep saving every penny I got. Anyways, see what I'm wearing? How much do you think it cost?

sans: uh... 500G

Frisk: close enough, 750, it didn't go lower than that. Before you ask: no, I did not die on purpose to find out.

sans: ...

sans: how many HP do humans have?

Frisk: I learnt what HP was like yesterday, I don't think I can tell you. I have 20.

sans: ok yeah that's low. i figured you'd have like 200 at least

Frisk: I know that if I kill people it somehow increases but that's awful so next time I came back to life after dying I was back to before I murdered someone. I chose to do as much as possible to never kill again on purpose or by accident.

sans: wow, kid. you really are, uh, determined.

sans: hold on, so you can travel back in time

Frisk: *shrugs* I guess? Still hurts a fucking lot when it happens after I die. but I think I can try at will.

sans: buddy, let's do something. you can come back to a few minutes on the past right?

Frisk: Yeah

sans: ok, so hear me out. i made a codeword some time ago, so if someone tells it to me i know they're a time traveler. get closer (whisper, whisper)

Frisk: Sans what the fuck.

sans: i hope you come back and tell it to me.

--one loaded SAVE later--

Frisk: hey you told me to tell you this and if it's a fucking joke i'm going feral.

sans: language, bucko.

Frisk: (whisper, whisper)

sans: who told you this? what a liar. *Frisk's eye twitches* but yeah that's a codeword. come closer, to really gain my trust you need another code (whimsper, whimsper).

Frisk: Oh for fuck's sake.

--Another loaded SAVE file later--

sans: hey, kiddo what's with that look

Frisk: This better be the last fucking codeword or I'm going insane

sans: language, bucko.

Frisk: *says the codeword*

sans: oh, so that's what you meant. It kinda explains a lot.

Frisk: Sans listen, I'm so fucking done of doing this. Let's just go eat, ok? Time traveling doesn't help wtih my hunger, and I reaally need to take my time to just explain what just happened because I know you got questions.

sans: *mentally preparing* here we go

-- some eplanations later --

sans: wow, kid. i'm impressed. for one thing i believe you. you knew what i was about to do before i did it.

sans: and, uh, guess i can't really make the past go away for you even if i don't remember that happening but... i'll do better, ok?

Frisk: Can I really trust you?

sans: you said your stats were low, mine are even worse so it's not like i can defend u without dusting myself in the process... but we can practice dodging, until you get better. and that armor's gonna help a lot too.

Frisk: For real?

sans: yeah, i made a promise after all. i gotta do a better job at keeping it.

sans: hey, buddy... you have not told this to anyone right? you haven't told the door lady.

Frisk: No fucking way. She also killed me once, telling her would destroy her. And I think she was trying not to hurt me too but somehow I managed to walk into her flames.

sans: ... why do you trust her?

Frisk: I don't know... it's complicated. She has good intentions. Better than some people on the Surface, anyways.

sans: you are a special kid, you know that? alright buddy, we can keep talking outside. let's take a breath and then do some training. even folks with low HP like us can find a way to survive. howzabout that?

Frisk: I guess... that's alright. Yeah, that can work.

* * *

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar