#I however have been running on purse mints and like 4 hours of sleep so this could just be mania

[chronal-anomaly]

hghs

[weeklyhumorist]

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

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First off, I want it on record that I would never ever think of eating a person. The thought of it is absolutely abhorrent to me. I think often of the Donner party and what they went through and I can’t fathom the stresses they must have been suffering to have made the choice to feast on their brethren. Our cultures, social mores, and biological need for survival all drive us away from this heinous act, and the knowledge that there are people in this world who have had to succumb to this most barbaric deed haunts my dreams.

However.

There are, sometimes, situations beyond one’s control. Like the fact that this subway car has been sitting idle for twenty minutes.

Now, sure, that’s not that long in the grand scheme of things. In the 90’s I’d be two thirds of the way to having my pizza delivered to me. But around minute nineteen, I started to wonder, will I be here forever?

And if I am here forever, what are my options? In situations like these I harken back to my one semester in college as a sociology major and I remember, people panic easily. It’s simple science.

Now, odds are that the train will kick back into gear any moment now, but, and stay with me on this, what if it doesn’t?

Shouldn’t someone on this train have a plan? Now, I’m sure that between backpacks, purses, and strollers we have enough protein bars, mints, and gum to get us through the next half hour or so, but what of the time after that?

Should the needs of one individual outweigh my need not to be hungry for even a little bit?

It doesn’t seem fair.

Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.

1) Man Eating A Burrito: This seems like the most obvious first choice. First, this man brought a burrito onto a train, which means he is definitely both very sad, and a menace to society. Who brings a burrito on a train? Anyone who has ever walked into a Chipotle knows the olfactory power of beans. This man’s choice to bring non-portable food to a portable situation has sealed his fate as the best first candidate for my human feast. Plus, he’ll probably taste like a burrito.

2) Old Woman Knitting: In emergency situations women, children, and the elderly usually go first, and I see no reason to deviate here. Judging by this woman’s huddled stature and claw like hands I would say she doesn’t have much time left anyway. Plus, having been raised during the beginning of the canned food boon she’s probably very well preserved.

3) Group Of Tourists Taking Selfies: Can you imagine anything more stately than dying in New York City while on vacation? Oh the stories their relatives will tell! “My Uncle Rob was visiting the Big Apple and he was eaten!” Eating this group of tourists will provide Thanksgivings upon Thanksgivings worth of anecdotes for their lucky families. It would almost be rude not to eat them.

4) Huffy Business Woman Staring At Her Phone And Sighing Loudly: Look lady, we’re all running late for something, but just because you’ve got a Prada bag doesn’t mean you’re not riding the same rat infested train as the rest of us. Honestly, I’d probably eat you if we weren’t stuck here. You’re not better than the rest of us.

5) Beat Boxing Man: Now, this one is further down on the list because what is life without the gift of music? If we ate this man first we’d lose the one element that was keeping us connected to our humanity. If the music were gone I’d hate to think what we would do. That being said, one can only handle so much snare drum sound being produced by a human mouth before wanting to eat someone.

6) Man Sleeping On Shoulder Of Stranger: Now obviously the guy he’s sleeping on has first dibs. But I’d think that he’d agree with me that his comatose acquaintance’s rudeness has earned him a spot on the list. If this man didn’t want to be eaten, he shouldn’t have let his guard down in the first place.

I must stress that I derive no enjoyment from the planning of, what seems at this point, my inevitable foray into human consumption. This list only exists to serve as a guide should the worst come to pass. That being said, I’m more thankful than ever for my mini sriracha bottle I keep in my purse.

  The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That was originally published on Weekly Humorist

[joycey4]

in which Als marries an Aussie. For the record, there was no actual hoe-down. It was actually a very classy affair. I just really liked that title and thought it would be a shame to not use it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

To preface, I love weddings. Full stop. I enjoy them for the happiness they bring others, but I especially love them for the celebratory pastries and the dancing. However, miss me ENTIRELY with the Single Ladies spotlight. A. How is forcing grown women into the shame of a desperate dance-floor moment acceptable? B. Why isn’t there an equivalent for men?! Until there is––and even after––kindly allow us to sit that one out in peace and dignity.

Mini rant aside, I’m finding that weddings get better the older one gets. Even more fun: destination weddings! Between October 2016 and May 2017, I was initiated with two.

48 Hours in the Wingecarribee Shire

The Metz-Lead uniting kicked off with a hen’s weekend in Bowral. That’s Australian for “Bachelorette weekend in the countryside”. Or Southern Highlands to be specific. Word is that Nicole Kidman and her streaky-haired beau live out there, but we never saw them.

Our home for the trip was a farmhouse on acreage…

Bowral Farmhouse

Bowral Farmhouse

Bowral Farmhouse

Bowral Farmhouse

Bowral Farmhouse

Bowral Hen’s Weekend, Photo by V

Bowral Hen’s Weekend, Photo by V

Bowral Hen’s Weekend, Photo by V

When I tell you I was excited at the prospect of some R&R, I 👏Was👏 Excited👏; sleep deprivation is no joke. The house, we soon learned, came with a resident mouse. But apart from the initial shock, we just shrugged it off. How bad could a field mouse be?

I had just set up camp in the study I claimed and come out for dinner when one on the gals comes into the kitchen and mentions that she just saw said mouse run into the study, aka my room. Of all the blåt klippekort-ing spaces and rooms. (Blåt klippekort is Danish for blue punchcard, which use to be used for public transport; Random danish words still make great swear words.) What could I do? Dead beat, I head in after a couple hours and tuck in hoping that in that time it saw its way out.

Y’all it didn’t. In fact three hours into my slumber, I was scared awake by a loud rustling sound… It must have been snooping around for a while (and I must have been in a deep sleep) because when I hit the light, I found mouse doo-doo everywhere, including my pillow. ON MY PILLOW––a couple inches from my face! And IN MY LUGGAGE BAG. It was also on the desk where I suddenly remembered my purse. The very purse I’d put all my snacks in. In that moment I realized what all the noise was. The rat scumbag was rustling through my bag. It was eating my candy! In the shock of me waking, it freed itself from the bag and fled I don’t even know where.

I spent the next half hour pulling things out of my bags, shaking it free on droppings and repacking, before stripping everything and relocating to the living room sofa. I’d just managed to reset my self up when the gals began to rise and come for breakfast. I nearly broke down. The kick while I was down, was that the one candy bar I found unbitten into (an Aero mint chocolate bar) was disgusting. It KNEW! It could smell it was gross and left it!

Rodent and exhaustion aside, it was a nice getaway. The main event was a wine tour, but since I don’t drink and it was a Saturday, I stayed back and roamed the property. The gals all went and had a grand time. I met a new friend.

Bowral, Australia

Bowral, Australia

Bowral, Australia

The Aloha State

Confession: Hawaii never really appealed to me. I think mostly because it’s a place everyone always seemed to go, much like Cancún and Vegas, and partly because of the Spring Break association. Of course in my quest to hit all 50 States I wanted to go, but there were other destinations much higher on my bucket list. I would have gotten there whenever I got there is what I’m saying. No shade. For this, however, I was hyped.

Hawaii marked my 39th state. My first international trip after moving to Oz, I arrived in Honolulu, Oahu with only a couple minor hiccups: 10 minutes at the immigration counter due to a misspelling on my ticket. What could have been scary ended a up a nice chat with the agent about the visas in my passport while the issue was sorted. Second, I was super and uncomfortably swollen after the flight (more on that in another post).

Honolulu, Hawaii

I arrived early to have a night in city. Rather than a hotel––definitely not a hostel––I lucked out with a AirB’n’B room just a short walk off the infamous Waikki Beach for the sweet price of $56USD/n. Here’s where I find myself increasingly annoyed at the loss of my camera and pictures. I don’t have many photos of me taken so the lose the very few I have is vexing. (Anyone else’s grandma use that word?)

After the long haul to get there, I just took it easy and strolled the strip. For breakfast I hit up the Sheraton for ocean views. Not recommended. I knew I’d have to shell out for the meal given the location, but it was dry as. For dinner I ended up picking up a sandwich. In between I did a little shopping here and there. Not much.

Kauai, Hawaii

aka “the Garden Isle” is where festivities took place. I flew in the next day and arrived around the time many of the others did, including my date: mom.

Our Kauai-an home for week was the Castle Kiahuna Plantation & Beach Bunglows in Poipu. It was also where the venue for the wedding. Real talk: I was side-eying the location the second I heard the word “plantation”. But Als assured me that we wouldn’t be picking anything for sport nor would I be seeing the over-lumbered ghosts of  skin-folk past.

© Kaihuna Plantation

© Kaihuna Plantation

© Kaihuna Plantation

© Kaihuna Plantation

The Venue, © Kaihuna Plantation

The Highlights

The Wedding, which was an equal mix of fun-loving Australians and Americans. Everything about this wedding was on point!

  Metz-Lead Wedding

Metz-Lead Wedding

I don’t know how to wear bright colors.

Metz-Lead Wedding

Metz-Lead Wedding

In the shot above, mom and I placed ourselves strategically so as to not be focal points. Can you spot us? 😂😂😂

2. Learning to surf! Sure I could have taken lessons here in Sydney, but I don’t trust the waters. There are too many things (big and small) living in it that can kill you. Second of all, it’s cold. That’s a giant no from me.

How’d I do? I made it to shore! Three times! For you doubters, mom has receipts:

Surfing is a bit like skateboarding and snowboarding. The former cause you have to paddle (pushing with your hands) to catch the wave. The latter cause you then ride that wave in. It was mad fun, but way exhausting. And painful. I did what I wasn’t supposed and jumped down instead of fall flat backwards and landed on some reef. I felt the stings but the salt water kinda soothed it. I hadn’t realized that my feet had been bleeding until I noticed blood on the floor of the condo. I’d left a trail from the beach to the rental some 100 meters away.

3. Tubing the Sugar Cane Canals. The float included five man-made tunnels with the longest being 3/4 of a mile long. At the end of it we had a sack lunch at a park.

Sugar Cane Canal Tubing © Official Kauai Backcountry Adventures

Mom said she was too cool for tubing and opted for a helicopter tour over the island instead. She chose the Blue Hawaiian Tour over the Kalalau Valley, Rainforest, Waimea Canyon and Napoli Coast.

Waimea, Kuaui

4. Luau Kalamaku. As the website says, “if you only experience one thing in Kauai, make sure it’s this.” Guests of the wedding gathered one evening for this luau, which was complete with buffet. There are a couple other luau options, but this one’s the best.

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5. Taking in the sights of the island. Mom and I had rented a car through Costco and drove about during down time. Our one disappointment was not making it the botanical garden. We we did, but it was closed. Travel tip: If you have a US based Costco membership, rent your car through them. You get better rates, a free upgrade and a second driver at no charge. Depending on which company you go with, you could also get reward miles on top of it.

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6. The bird fight. Wild chickens are to Kauai what cats are to Istanbul. Two roosters got into a proper scrap in the Walmart car park while their wingmen stood watch (not pictured below). Mom and I suspected they were either fighting over chickens or turf.  It was as trashy and hilarious as it sounds.

  Destination Wedding #1: The Metz-Lead Hawaiian Hoe-down in which Als marries an Aussie. For the record, there was no actual hoe-down. It was actually a very classy affair.