#I hope he never retires this is getting funnier every fucking year

[super-max-verstappen]

I just realized that with all the rookies entering the sport next year, Fernando Alonso will have been in F1 longer than 5 of his fellow drivers have been ALIVE

Alonso has more F1 experience than Piastri, Lawson, Doohan, Bearman, Antonelli, and Colapinto have life experience.

He will have spent more time in F1 than 25% of the grid have spent breathing. Bro really is HIM

[mrevaunit42]

Okay I'm going to just be honest with you: Read the fucking legend books. Everything under the old canon. Here's why

First: Every single story is easily accessible and user friendly. Legends handled the massive catalog of its stories so well because every new copy of the book comes with a full complete timeline in the front pages. Literally every fucking book that is canon in Legends is put in a complete timeline to show you the reader where exactly this story is taking place (and it's even funnier when you realize they use New Hope as the before or after marker. Even tells you the years.) From the Old Republic and Revan to the retirement of our favorite heroes, it's all there. Anything beyond that i believe is comic turf and while I love the comics and there's loads of fun ones, it's very hard to know where to start or what's going on especially with Disney printing its own comics. And as far as I can tell all of them have audiobooks so if reading's not your thing there you go. Plus they're fairly cheap. Most of the books are like 7 or 8 bucks (Dollars). Yes The books spoil things in the beginning but only because you tell whose in the story, their species and their job. Helps with descriptions or you could even look up what you're supposed to be imagining.

Second: The genres you get are varied. While you obviously get the classic empire and rebel civil war conflict and there's a lot of jedi, dark side, sith etc etc there's also focus on other people and other conflicts. Like for example zombie stormtroopers. There's literally a like 400 page story about zombie stormtroopers on an abandon Star Destroyer. It's fun and epic and kinda scary. An Ocean's 11 styled heist with Han, Chewie and Lando before Empire Strikes back! One of my favorites is literally a in hiding jedi turned bodyguard for a fucking pop idol. Singer really but still. And there's so much more I haven't mentioned: The war with beings from another galaxy that's a few books series long, Obi-wan's first mission with Qui-gon Jinn, A second galactic civil that actuals pits Han and Luke on opposing sides. Mara Jade (Luke's wife, yes he's married and she's fucking amazing) first encounter with a still fledging jedi Luke. Freaking the Bounty Hunter civil war. And a lot of these you do not need to know about the entire collection to enjoy. These writings are written differently cuz of the different authors but that's only because...

Three: Lucas gatekept all this. No really. Basically you had to ask him what you can write about and he had to approve it because it would be canon. Different writers wrote different things with his permission cuz their stories would be set in stone. The writing varies and you get different millage but on a whole I enjoyed all the books. Anything by Timothy Zahn is highly recommended by me.

Four: Character and Characterization. Yes you will be missing some of your faves: No baby yoda or mando or Rey, Finn, poe. But the characters you get are awesome: Luke's son Ben, a deadly sith assassin who used to date Luke, a personal assassin who worked for the emperor who married Luke, Thrawn *stolen from legends btw* Jagged Fel, Han and Leia's children Anakin Solo and the twins Jania and Jacen. God Jacen. Jacen is the character they stole and watered down to make Kylo sucks. Literally Jacen is just the better, more complex tragic figure that Kylo WISHES he could even be half of. Oh Boba Fett is alive too! and has a granddaughter. And there's are a handful of characters among the dozens these books have. And the best part? The classic characters? Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie R2 and C3PO they're still the characters you know and love. They actually grow and evolve in ways that feel natural for them. None of this stupid han and leia are separated. They are still happily married and getting on each other's nerves in the best way possible. Luke isn't some disillusion edgy beaten down old man. He's a wise yet humorous mentor and leader who never lost that spark of hope and wonder though it certain has been tempered with loss that comes with a long, dangerous life. Honestly you cannot believe how much they stole from legends. it's a fair amount.

I honestly recommend the legends books. Yes they had decades more time to really flesh everything out and set up their novel universe but Disney is a billion dollar company with talented artists, storytellers and writers. They should've just let them cook instead giving us whatever the fuck those half assed movies were. Leia is a fucking jedi knight in legends, still married to Han and a total badass. Warning though Chewie dies during the galaxy v galaxy war. BUT it takes a whole moon to take him out and he's still in plenty of stories.

Star Wars suddenly making every idiot and their grandma jedi but can’t even make Finn a force user

[storyunrelated]

NaNo 2020 - Conclusions

So I didn’t finish this year. Whatever. Any time I have quote-unquote ‘finished’ it’s been a steaming pile of shit anyway, so did I really lose anything? Did I? Really?

No, the answer is no.

But did I learn anything?

No, the answer is no. Again.

What ideas bloomed this month though? Ideas that might charitably described as having sprung from NaNo in some way, shape or form? 

Everywhere Be Dragons

The original idea that I abandoned. Schlock, standard sci-fi. Lasers and shit. A retired man and his electronic friend who is presently in the robotic body of a bird go off to try and find out who injured his nephew. Turns out its some guy from some podunk evil space empire with a sword that can some summon chrome space dragons that can fly through space or some shit. Whatever. Garbage garbage garbage

Here’s a bit. The first lines, in fact:

Alarmingly naked, David Bellamy strode up to the largest of his windows and flung back the curtains to let what he hoped was the glorious sunshine of another sedate, mellow day flow in and bathe his more personal regions. 

Being a man of leisure now he had the time available to do this sort of thing.

Awful. 

Anyway, next.

And now for something completely different

Some admin schlub who works for a nebulous evil organisation ala SPECTRE is tasked with sourcing twenty-five red, plastic wallets by next week. It should be easy. It is not easy.

This was a very threadbare idea based on something I actually had to do, leading rather naturally to the thought “Wouldn’t this mind-numbing task be funnier if it was happening in an evil organisation?”. High-concept stuff.

Here’s a bit:

“Why am I doing this? This isn’t anything to do with me?”

“It’s nothing to do with me, either, but they passed it to me and I’m passing it to you. I’m higher up than you so now it has something to do with you. It is, in fact, now your problem.”

“What happened to Bill anyway?”

“Dead.”

“Dead?”

“Yeah, him and a bunch of others. Whole chunk of procurement, in fact. Super agents, last month.”

“What had procurement ever done to them?”

“I don’t think they were aiming for there specifically, they just got in the way. Think they were trying to hit the weather control department - they’re underneath them.”

“Oh yeah, yeah. Poor bastards.”

“Yes, well, now you’re here to carry on their fine work. Next week. Red. Sort it out.”

“But-”

“You’re a resourceful man, I’m sure you can manage.”

That’s literally all I did before I got bored.

Next!

Bad Wizards

I was reading about The Sword of Truth and I was reading about how Confessors worked in The Sword of Truth and it was this super-weird combination of an absolutely terrifying sounding power being the implications of which were ignored in a super-weird way.

Basically a whole class of women can ENSLAVED ANYONE THEY TOUCH FOREVER and this ability isn’t something they use it’s something they have to concentrate NOT TO USE and the purpose of this class of women is to...

...basically go around and brainwash/murder anyone they deem isn’t being honest and good. Oh, and they decide who’s honest and good. And there’s no question that they’re honest and good.

Oh and there’s no men with this power. Why? Because any male infants born with this power are murdered by their brainwashed loveslaves ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

Very odd. Very very odd. But easy fodder for villains, so I just thought “What about people being charged with coming up with ways of trying to fix this or go against it?”.

Then I did a bit where two guys are visiting a dead guy in a dead city. I don’t know why.

Much to his displeasure Percival was once again accompanying First to the city of Erhart, home to the court of Baldric the Everliving. Percival did not like the court of Baldric the Everliving. He didn’t much like Erhart, either.

He did not like the silence, the utter and complete silence. He did not like that, despite all of the citizens having died, there were no bodies anywhere, nor even a hint of violence or struggle to mark their passing. 

(Not that heaps of corpses would have made him feel better, obviously, but knowing that they had died it was eerie not seeing so much as an upset teacup to indicate that this might have been the case. It just didn’t seem fair to them, somehow. Like they’d passed on without a fuss, without so much as a whimper.) 

He did not like the way the empty windows seemed to stare at him. He did not like the way the streets were so dusty. A dirty street he might have been able to understand, but to have such a layer of dust, lying as thick as snow, untouched by the elements, undisturbed by any living footfall other than their own periodic visits - it just made him uncomfortable.

Everything about Erhart made him uncomfortable, frankly, from the mere thought of it, up through the physical reality of it all the way to the ruler of it, who he was going to have to go and talk to. Again. Nothing about this day was good for Percival.

BORING! NEXT!

Worse wizards

Uh, another idea, less related to anything else I was reading - I think? - but more, uh, what if there was a horrific ruling class of magical people who were for all intents and purposes utterly untouchable. 

Can kill you soon as look as you, mess around with your brain and your body just for kicks, come back from death easy as anything and only get more powerful as the years go on. One of them has a huge tower held up solely by their willpower, whatever. They’re a horrible, immovable fixed point in society.

Then one day mechanisms and techniques start showing up that can kill them and ignore their powers. Just out of nowhere. And these methods are super-simple to do and also start to spread.

What happens?

Lame lame lame lame lame.

“Did all of you miss what I told you at the start? The nature of what was used to kill Dennis?”

Blank looks. They had listened, but they had promptly forgot. It hadn’t seemed important.

That it was important and that this should have been obvious had passed them by. John gritted his teeth and straightened up, reaching around to a nearby trolley and - carefully - picked up a kidney-shaped dish resting on it and bringing it around so they could all see its contents. In the dish rattled several small, dark, sharp bits of what sounded to be metal. These the wizards peered at.

“He was killed by something that not only ignored his magical protections and ignored them completely, might I add, but which also then drained his body of even the merest trace of magic and severed whatever connection there might have been between his mortal shell here and anything beyond the material. Did you listen that time? Would you like me to say it again? Would you like me to go slower?”

More blank looks, though some were starting to get less blank. Some were getting confused. Some were getting worried. They’d actually paid attention this time.

What was I THINKING?!

Indulgence

This was me just doing a re-write of one of my secret, shameful pieces of fanfiction, with the fanfiction elements removed. Because why not?

[REDACTED]

Nope, not even a little bit.

Stupid! Next!

N/A

Some random thing in first person about following some rambling lady across some bridges and getting some weird book I don’t fucking know.

Where did all this water come from, anyway? And where did it go? I could see the vast lakes below us, of course, stretching off as they did towards wherever these caverns terminated, but did those lakes drain anywhere? The flow of water from above never ceased, and yet the levels below never rose. What maintained this equilibrium? Or was the scale involved simply so great that no change could ever or would ever be observed?

I do wonder why I wonder about these things sometimes. The answers to these questions wouldn’t benefit me in any way. 

Yet still I wonder.

Who ccaaaaaarrreeeessss? Next!

Delicious Godmeat

A long, long time ago in some faraway land in another universe or whatever there was some vague, vaguely benevolent overgod. They had of children and they looked after all the normal people and blah blah all was well.

One day those children decided to devour their parent and split up their power between them, so they could care out their own little demenses and rule things the way they thought they should. So that happened.

However, the biggest, juicest bit of godly meat went missing somehow, much to their chagrin. They looked and looked but they never found it. Because it fell through time and space in a way that’ll never be explained, and ended up here. And now, by accident, some random young lady touched it.

Whoops! You’ve got a chunk of a dead god stuck inside you now! Better go free the land of those rapaciously evil children, absorb their power and try to bring some goodness back to this land! Whatever that means! Figure it out! You’re basically a demigod now!

Have fun battling the alien feelings of a dead deity and an ever-increasing level of godlike power! 

“Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a choice knowing that whatever choice it is you end up making it is going to make a lot of people very, very upset with you.”

“Can I just do nothing?”

“Sadly, no. Someone in your position chooses not to decide, that’s still making a choice.”

“Gah! I can’t win!”

CONCLUSIONS

Awful. Awful awful awful awful. They’re all awful. They’re all terribly. Sweet Jesus what a waste of time, every last one of these is a stinking, rancid turd now fouling my Google Docs with their stench. Awful awful awful.

Know what’s missing in all of these? Well, lots of things, but you know what crucial element hobbles each and every one of them from right out of the gate?

No fucking characters! Just a half-baked idea shoved out and left to die in the sun! No-one involved I give even the merest whiff of a shit about! Not a one! And no situation I care about either! None of these do anything for me! They leave me cold! And everyone in them leaves me colder! Frozen!

A setting isn’t worth shit if you’ve got no-one to do anything with it! Settings just sit there, inert, characters make it happen! Characters make the story! AND YOU’VE GOT NO CHARACTERS YOU WORTHLESS SHITHEAD! YOU’VE GOT NOTHING! JUST THE SAME WORDY BASTARDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN! JUST A THOUSAND COPIES OF YOU! I HATE ME! THAT’S USELESS!

I’m dead inside now!

Well, deader than I was before!

Awful! Awful awful! Eurgh!

Oh well! Same time next year!

[pooktales]

Dannox Does Dalaran

~45min read

In an alternate universe where Kael'thas is king...

*doom music* The quaint Legerdermain Lounge in Dalaran has an amateur comedy night. Dannox, a raunchy Night Elf druid, decides to do his standup routine. You may recognize Dannox from such things as my ‘My Life for My Prince’ fanfiction series. This post is LGBTQ+ friendly. It is also 18+ and NSFW because of dirty jokes. Enjoy!

...

Center stage at the Legerdermain Lounge in Dalaran. A dark-pearl skinned Night Elf man with deep green hair down to his waist strides up to take the Gnomish microphone device. He smiles well, as if he’s been laughing really hard back stage with the staff already. Charcoal gray t-shirt that looks soft. Light blue, linen slacks. Unless your eyes are playing tricks, there seems to be a shadow, or an outline through the thin fabric, of his bare hip underneath and the start of a muscular thigh. He moves again, and it’s gone. Dannox has spread hands and feet apart, bracing as if he’ll have to fight the strange mic device at first, but then cuts that out quickly since the mic is not a toy. Maybe no one noticed.

His joy is genuine and infectious. It’s hard not to smile along with him.

“Hey, so before I begin—Shit, you’d think I’d be used to a moon-white spotlight in the dark, being a Night Elf, but I’m just not. Can you offensive fuckers turn that off? Okay?” Dannox cackles and squints. He looks at his dark hands, while adjusting the mic up to his height. Dannox is magnetizing in a way. Fun to watch his sly mannerisms, his voice is rich.

A burst of embarrassed laughter in the back, while the Gnome techs actually accede to Dannox’s demand. It’s not a joke, they really are trying to fix the lights for him.

“So. Dalaran. The big D. Well, the other big D. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Which… is exactly what life is like with a big dick anyway...

“Sorry if you thought I couldn’t say that word—DICK. But back to my joke. You do one guy, or lady—I’m bi—and word gets around, right? So I make it everywhere.

“Oh, Dalaran. Come on, baby. I just got here and you’re turning me on. I’m lit for a magical city right now, and that is so wrong. Wow, what a weird fetish that would be…

“Seriously, though. This place cracks me up. A fancy, beautiful city. Perfectly designed. A beacon of hope. Holy, in a way. Floating majestically through the air. And plenty of massive, purple, phallic objects poking the sky.

“Hey, don’t get mad at me, I know it’s not really like that—that’s not why those spires are there. They have a real functionality. What got my mind dirty in the first place were all the snooty, Kirin’ Tor, tight arseholes walking up and down the streets… Yum.

Shocked, sort of uncomfortable laughter, but Dannox presses on, “Hey, don’t judge me. You guys been to the Underbelly, yet?” He shakes his head sorrowfully, “Don’t go down there. I mean, did you hear what it’s called? The Underbelly. That’s another low-key sex thing about Dalaran. This place is secretly very dirty, believe me. Underbelly. Do you know what’s under my belly? Well, on most nights. He’s not here right now.” Dannox uses a hand to shade his eyes, pretends to look around the room for someone. Loose laughter escapes from the back. “Sorry, that one was too easy. But yeah, so please don’t go down there. Just a lot of nasty fuckers like myself, flagging themselves to get jumped from behind by some rogue, and trying to wrestle each other—” Dannox starts laughing and cuts himself off, “All… oiled up. Well I was, anyway. Okay, I lied. I’ve been here before. Plenty of times.”

To a woman looking very serious and refusing to laugh in the front row, “Ma’am. Ma’am? I’m going to need you to loosen up tonight, okay? You’re in the hands of a professional tonight. I’m serious. I’m more serious than you are right now about that statement, do you know why? I’m fully trained at this, I was once a very successful stripper, I promise you.” Excited whistles and shouts, “I know smut and I’m proud of that, so tonight you have my express permission to laugh at my nasty jokes.

“But I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, ma’am, really I am. Please forgive me. Do you want a lap dance to make up for it? I’m being serious. Would that help? You don’t?

“Damn, I’m getting old then. Anyone here heard of Commando Dan, from Fel Candy? West side of Kezan? There must be a few Goblins in the house.”

A couple of gravelly cheers.

“Hoo, yeah! That’s me. Look how far I’ve fallen. I still got all my clothes on and people are even laughing.”

The blazing spotlight finally goes out, leaving Dannox in a darker room, offset by easy peach candlelight. Some polite applause for the lights being fixed. Then glasses click gently as people drink, begin to enjoy their food once more.

“Hey, great! I can see again, though you all really can’t see me, cause it’s dark. And your eyes have to adjust. Sucks to be you. Shout out to the other Night Elves in the house. The revolution begins now, by the way. Hail to the night, motherfuckers…”

Throaty laughter, especially from some kal’dorei men in the back.

Dannox looks down and snakes the microphone wire around the stand, to give himself space to move with it, “Anyway, I am definitely grateful for my chance at amateur night here in Dalaran.” He winks, “I intend to take the prize. I’m already a prize, I figured we’d go together.”

He turns a little to his left, sticks a hand in his pants pocket. Also, semi-sheer fabric confirmed. Nice.

“So. A little about me to start, other than my being an exceptional stripper once upon a time. Today? I’m a bum. A handsome bum, but my husband reminds me that still means I’m lazy and bum. I do nothing. This is my first thing that I’m doing, after a hiatus. Stripper in retirement. Never thought you’d see the day, right?” Dannox shrugs, grinning anew, “Actually, I do work hard, just not in the way you’d expect. I’m a trophy husband that got picked up years ago in a seedy strip club, I kid you not… stripping my clothes off in Kezan, which is a beautiful, nearly lawless Goblin Island, at least on the redlight district side. Anything goes on that side. A Blood Elf and a Night Elf can meet up, get it on, and have all kinds of adventures together in broad daylight. Faltheriel and I once had a dirty weekend that turned into… ten years now? And so I got picked up by the man who eventually became—who eventually would become—the Chief Advisor to King Kael’thas Sunstrider.

“The king? Yeah, we live in an alternate universe back home. It’s totally normal though, don’t worry. It’s like living in the suburbs—hardly anyone goes there, it’s nice cause it’s less expensive. We get crime, but it’s weirder suburbs, alt-universe crime. Like… whenever we read about Kael’thas’ new fun addictions and various shortcomings in the news. It was Murlocos Tacos last week. His daughter caught footage of him on the floor eating them while drunk or high, probably both cause it’s Kael’thas, and slurring every single thing he said. It came on all the scrying orbs. That was a rough week for him.”

Some snickers. “Yeah, you guys out here have dead, looted body Kael’thas at the end of a Quel’danas Isle dungeon. But back home, we pretty much have the Hearthstone Kael’thas which is way nicer. And funnier. I thought I’d get up here and do a Hearthstone Kael’thas impression but… yeah, he’d send some people over to kill me. He’s still an evil genius with bloodthirsty Sunfury agents. Also, ‘I’m coming doooown!’

“Haha… So worth it. Best part, when I get assassinated by Sunfury agents soon and I die, I’m totally going to ask my wife and husband to put that exact quote on my tombstone. That’ll really piss Kael off.

“And then, what is he even gonna do? Dig up my body and beat me some more?” Dannox looks down, casually kicks the wire for the mic out of his way, “Actually, I wouldn’t put it past that fel-addicted, demon-fucking motherfucker. He’s into everything.

“Anyway, we’re actually cool, me and Kael’thas. Don’t worry. And I truly like him. Since my husband works for Kael, and I am a druid after all—I heal. I heal a body good… I get to talk to Kael’thas himself sometimes if you can believe it. But it’s all so horrible. He’s a good-looking man and he knows that I’m bi. And I’m an awful person, generally. I guess that’s why Kael and I get along.”

Dannox walks to the other side of the stage, “And then Filthy—that’s my husband, don’t ask… Well, you will ask about my husband’s nickname, but I’m warning you not to, not yet, I’ll tell you later—Filthy is practically like Kael’s family at this point, so I always take my chance to rip on our lovely king. Also, Kael’s Blood Knights. Blood Knights are such easy targets. And mind you, in this alt universe, Azeroth is united, the factions are at peace, sorta. Kind of like how Dalaran lets everybody in, we’re sort of like that. Anyway, so we’re out in Netherstorm again with King Kael’thas, waiting on the Sunfury army to show up. Kael’thas looks right at me and he says, ‘I think I really like having a Night Elf man salute me, for a change.’

“And then I wink, ‘…It’s only natural, Kael’thas.’

“Hoo, boy. Poor Kael’thas. I think he was trying to be community-spirited. But, you know, he just tangled with the wrong Night Elf. Or, exactly the right one. Remember, I do like to get oiled-up first.”

More laughter.

“And then these soldiers of his, they’re taking a really long time to arrive. So one of the Blood Knights that’s already there, she turns to me. Everyone’s curious about the Night Elves, I suppose. Daphne goes… and I guess she didn’t let on yet that I’m unbelievably nasty, by some miracle. That’s what happens when hubby refuses to talk about home at work, I guess.

“Daphne asks me, ‘I heard you were the bane of Malfurion’s existence at one point.’

“I say, ‘Well, only for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time.’

Gasps, shocked laughter.

“See? I can keep it professional if I want to. And it’s fine, that’s another world leader I’m cool with. Malfurion and I go… way back. Right. In the back.

“Hey, no judgment. We all have our reasons for leaving the Emerald Dream. Am I right, fellow druids? Or, getting banned from it by a jealous wife. Hey, I’m calling her out, that wasn’t cool. She should know by now, everyone secretly loves Malfurion.

“Then I decided to have some fun with my husband Filthy—Faltheriel—who was standing right there next to me, turning beet-red, ‘What’s this, Faltheriel? You don’t look well, and your forehead is so warm. Maybe you’re coming down with something. Let’s go get you into bed, make you perfectly comfortable… then see what happens.’

“He didn’t like that. And in front of his employer, too. You see why he calls me a bum. I’m so good at being a trophy husband and jobless, it’s like I think everyone else needs to lose their job. Anyway, Faltheriel left to go do something else. Divorce me or something, I don’t remember what he said that afternoon. It’s not important.

“There was also a nice girl with them, a tall redhead named Tempest. I think she’s a retribution Paladin—Blood Knight, whatever. They all get to talking about old times, and she recalls how my husband used to be a zealot for Kael’thas, because he was. Or is. I’ll put it this way, ‘Kael’thas’ is the opposite of our safe word at home. It’s more Filthy’s trigger. Filthy gets one. One ‘Kael’thas’ every evening, and after that he has to stop. Don’t ask me how he works for the guy. I’m a sleaze, Faltheriel’s a fanboy, I guess. We struggle through this life together in our exciting marriage, putting up with all you muggles.

“I’m not joking with you. In person, Kael’thas is a very handsome man ontop of everything else and Faltheriel’s only mortal. Like I said, we have amazing, alt-universe Hearthstone Kael’thas. It’s a different outfit every hour with that guy. My favorite is nineties Kael’thas. He shows up with slicked-back blonde hair, neon shapes on his t-shirt and a giant cell phone, obsessing about how Arthas stole Jaina Proudmoore from him, and he needs revenge in time for the Dalaran Academy dance.

“Hey, I just remembered, you guys would have been there for all that Arthas in ripped stonewash jeans, shoving Kael’thas into a locker stuff. Beat, ba-beat, ba-ba-ba-beat, gooooo Dalaran!

“Anyway. Wow, I keep going off what I memorized. I need a minute.” Dannox winces laughter and pinches at the bridge of his nose, before calming down. “So. Faltheriel and his crew were all zealots back then, doing bad things for Kael’thas, but Faltheriel can get right in the danger zone till this day, remembering weird Kael’thas facts and lore, though I do love him. Tempest goes, ‘Look, I’m a Blood Knight and Faltheriel’s intense obsession over Kael’thas even makes me uncomfortable. Dannox, are you sure everything is alright?’

“I go, ‘Eh. It’s all about energy, where you direct it. Faltheriel can revv up his cute little engine all day if he wants to, as long as, at the end of that day, I’m the one who directly benefits.’

Daphne, as Tempest is laughing, ‘Uh… what?’

“I say, ‘It’s called husband physics.’

“And it is, it really is! That’s how you manage a marriage with a fanboy. I’ll only worry if Faltheriel comes home cosplaying and threatens that we need to take an emergency family vacay to Blizzcon. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But when your husband likes to dress up as a succubus… you keep an eye on it. He’s going as Drag Queen Azshara next year, by the way. And there’s rumor of an ‘It’s Raining Men’ act to go with it, but Rachel and I are mostly letting Filthy have his alone time with the costume and his music for now. We’re all really excited. Albeit—each in his own way.

“Later that day, with the Blood Knights you know--the Sunfury finally arrive and it’s time for us to get moving, mount up to go someplace. I’m on my nightsaber. They’re staring at my beast. You would… I say to Daphne, ‘Let’s have somebody ride up front, and then the other person can climb on the back. Don’t worry, Faltheriel and I do it all the time where we’re from.’

“This guy Sunthraze goes, ‘In Darnassus? Or do you mean Silvermoon where Faltheriel’s from?’

“I say, ‘Wait, my wife wouldn’t want me to finish that joke.’

“Sometimes, Faltheriel does really get annoyed with me when I make those kinds of jokes with his colleagues. I mean, they are his coworkers after all. I guess that’s unkind in a way. But that’s also okay because my husband and I like to fight. Or, that other thing that begins with the letter ‘F’.

“That one too obvious? I can be subtle as well. I’m a centaur if you don’t think about that too much.”

“Now, please ask yourselves... Why was that not put in as one of the male Night Elf pickup lines? It’s excellent.”

Dannox then kindly leans down to the first row again, “While we’re on the topic, ma’am, I see that you’re smiling now. I knew you would. But I wanted to say, I am very sorry that you didn’t want that lap dance before. These are my emergency tear-away pants, as well. They’re not just awesome fitted slacks. But I need you to know, it’s too late now. Like the Goblins say, ‘If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!’ he snaps, pretending to have real attitude.

He straightens up again, as the laughter dies down, “…Well, in my case, a giant cock ring.”

A raucous reaction spreads from the cheap seats. The laughter makes it hard to hear the next part, as the woman begins talking and gesturing up at him, “… Huh? Haha!” Dannox leans halfway to listen to her, then attempts to stop his own laughter, “After the show? Really?! Wow, you’ve come a long way. Alright, I give in. Ladies and gentlemen, please clap for Offended Lady, I’ve got a convert! Welcome to the dark side. But you’ll have to run fast after the lap dance, my wife’s here somewhere. Thanks, Offended Lady, I’m so glad we’re cool now. Come find me on Tumblr later, too. I can’t follow you back, but I promise you won’t regret it.

“Well, back to me and my husband. Sometimes, I have to be reminded that I’ve got one... Oh! So Faltheriel and me arguing and fighting--it’s alright, really���

“I try not to pull on Faltheriel’s hair unless I mean it.

“Actually, when we first met, it was better. When we first met, I told Faltheriel I was a baker. Go on, you can ask me, ‘Why is that?’

“Well, you don’t let strange men glaze your buns, obviously.

“I really love that joke. I tell that one a lot. You know, usually, there’s an upstanding person nearby—not you, ma’am. We already addressed that, like I said, and you kindly booked me tonight from 12-12:07am,” Dannox gives a sly wink and checks his watch, “But usually it’s someone with these excellent manners who warns that I’m a horrible person. Like I didn’t know that already, but it’s their duty to glare up here, gasp all shocked and say that. Do you know what I tell people who act like that? After I tell the joke, ‘You don’t let strange men glaze your buns, obviously.’ Then they say, ‘Dannox, you are a horrible person.’

“I clarify, ‘No… I’m a baker.’

“Very innocent, just like that. Even funnier when, truth is, I do know how to bake. But I only let Faltheriel find that out years later. I waited until after we got engaged before I baked him anything. I was far more serious about the success of that baker joke than our relationship.

“But it’s true, Faltheriel and I like to fight. We always have. Though, mostly, it’s wrestling. Before bedtime. Aaaaand in this corner…” Dannox raises his voice, as if about to call a wrestling match, “they lived happily ever after.

“Also, now that we’ve been married for about a decade, Faltheriel doesn’t always listen to me. Then again, I don’t always face him while we talk… It’s win-win.

“Though, being totally serious now—You know, when I first met Faltheriel, he wasn’t facing me. Do you know how goddam gorgeous you have to be to look like someone’s soul mate from behind?!

“And I’m a good husband to him. I truly am. I make sure that Filthy never falls in the shower, whether he appreciates it or not.

“You know, I once lied to Faltheriel and told him it was still dark outside. He couldn’t get out from under me anyways.

“Another thing, Faltheriel and I don’t always communicate well. Sometimes, we just grunt and slap each other’s thighs a lot.” Dannox, now raising his voice over the laughter, “Is that weird? Maybe other couples don’t do that as much, I don’t know.

“Being married to such a beautiful man is hard. God, it gets so hard. Sorry—was that a low blow? I’ll put it away now. Though it’s been going on for so long, I’ll have to roll it up, first.

“Anyway, sometimes I say this thing to my husband when it’s bedtime and he’s not in the mood. I totally respect him for that, I do… But I say to him, ‘Filthy--’ I guess that’s his pet name when he’s being adorable, or really irritating. Both a fun challenge for me. I realize I keep switching in and out of that, I tell him, ‘Filthy, I don’t mind if you’re too tired. You can sleep, honey. Just lie on your stomach, and loosen up first.’”

Dannox hangs in there, through a mixture of booing and hard laughter, “See? It’s so simple! It is so simple to make a good marriage, you guys. A dirty, dirty marriage with a lovely woman who puts up with us and a man who used to work for the Burning Legion, and who can END you if your jokes ever fail to land.

“I can tell you, if you don’t like these jokes, that’s fine. You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve already suffered enough. It was bombs over Shadowmoon Valley while I honed this joke routine in my house, I promise.

“By the way, don’t try that at home. Don’t try my sense of humor at your beloved home, not unless you enjoy having done to you what my husband used to do to his prisoners-slash-victims. Well, he still does it. But I-I get out sometimes.” Dannox rolls his big shoulder, pretends to twitch, “Like tonight.

“But I do find Faltheriel irresistible, so I admit that I keep trying to get into trouble with him. This one time, Faltheriel was really fussing at me, he really wanted me to leave him alone so he could read. Now I don’t know if I’m extra horny because I’m a big Night Elf compared to him—he’s a Blood Elf, I hope the Kael’thas thing gave that away—or because I’m just, well, totally nasty all the time, so much so, I like to give my husband a nickname that stops him from forgetting that I’m a dirty alpha male in this thing and I own his glorious ass… Told you I’d explain later in the show and that you didn’t want to know… But anyway, one evening while Filthy was downstairs reading and ignoring me like that, I just decided to compromise.

“I say to him, ‘Fine, let’s play a game to pass the time. I’ll be good if you’re good.’ He’s sensible, so he says, ‘Deal. What would you like to play, darling?’ He goes for the checkerboard. Then I said, ‘Faltheriel, this game I have is so fun. This is so easy. I’ll love it. It goes like this. Can you bend over the couch and not move for a half hour?’ He’s a sweetie and too trusting at times, so he actually does it. Then I say, ‘Also, this is one of those games where you can’t say ‘No.’

“I got slapped for that. It’s really bad when another man slaps you to defend his honor. And of course, truth be told… I liked it. Poor Faltheriel.

“Elune above, my Blood Elf husband is cute! He is so yummy. Fun fact, Faltheriel only wanted a sweet little hug last night, but in for a penny, in for a pounding.

“Though, the Cenarion Circle is probably going to come back into our lives, I think, to take Filthy away and try to find him a forever home.

“I mean, a new home with a good mummy and daddy. And walks in the park that don’t involve shagging behind the trees. And no bear-bottom spankings. Horny druid husbands are the worst, I should know.

“On another night, I told Faltheriel my balls were lonely. He brought his over to play.

“Awww, so sweet of him. Also, Faltheriel is really good at sex, but I would never tell him that. I just ask him to keep trying.

“Another thing about us, I almost forgot. When I first met Faltheriel, I got naked fast. He didn’t like it at the beginning, but he loved it in the end.

“And once, I told Faltheriel I was a piñata so that he wouldn’t stop beating me with it.

“And the most sex Faltheriel and I ever had was on the same night our wife had our first child, our twins. She was… SO mad at us.

“You know, when our wife had the twins—they’re fraternal, one Night Elf, one Blood Elf—Faltheriel forgot for a moment and went wild, accused Rachel of cheating. It was then that I reminded my husband that, um… I have sex with our wife too.

“Uh-huh. That’s right. That’s what you get when you jump to conclusions about your good spouse, Faltheriel.

“He’s not here tonight, actually. Faltheriel couldn’t make it. That’s why I’m really ripping on him, I guess. But my wife’s here, I think I said that earlier. Hi Rach, say hi. She’s a knockout, isn’t she? She’s so sweet and so kind, and hopefully, this wonderful Human woman won’t lock me in my cage later…

“And you know another thing, three-way marriages are interesting. They are so interesting. Women change, their appetites grow or something and you adapt in weird ways. Our wife gets so horny at times, it really does take the two of us. Wow, she looks mad at me now. Guess I shouldn’t have said that. But, then again, when she holds out, it’s like the world is coming to an end for us men.

“Just kidding, Faltheriel and I are perfectly fine.

“Sorry hun, it’s true. You shouldn’tve got us that set of matching spoons for the holidays. It’s just too bad. That cheap gift you got was like homo-erotic Kaja-Cola, it gave us ideas.

“I’m an idiot, I apologize. Anyway, this one time… the best stories start that way, have you noticed? So this one time when Rachel wasn’t there, Faltheriel came straight upstairs after work and found me in bed with another woman. God, he’s so adorable… After I put the mirror back and slipped the pink scrunchie from his soft, soft, ponytail, he calmed down and it was an amazing night.

“Seriously, though. My husband Faltheriel is so man-pretty, we only realized our wife had none of her own lingerie like… a week ago? And we’d been together for ten years? Yeah, it’s like that.

“So Faltheriel buys me my own lingerie, for once. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of the fuzzy, silky, or bright colored stuff he brought home. Eh, the see-through stuff was okay. The really super-short, see through stuff I was already poking out of, that we could do each other in immediately—that, I liked. Nice guy, but he really wasted his money on me, I tell ya.

“Alright, last joke. It’s June and I know everyone’s hot in here. You’re all ready to finish up and call it a night. So I’ll try and end on a respectable note.

“It isn’t June? Well, I know that, I don’t care. Listen to the joke, goddammit.

“Ahhh, my wonderful husband, Filthy,” to rising, expectant laughter, “Faltheriel ‘Filthy’ Darkweaver has the best ass in the world. It feels like I’m fucking a magical rainbow in there. Was that one too obvious, because it’s Pride Month? Did you know that big, horny, sweaty, well-hung unicorns fuck rainbows? Nice image. Yeah, enjoy your Pride Month.”

Dannox nervously puts the microphone back and waves once, while people scream laughter. “If you liked my set, please tell the very nice Legerdemain Lounge staff. I’d love to come back. Oh, I never said my whole name. I’m Dannox Silvermoon Darkweaver. That’s right. That was my real last name, I was a dream come true when my Blood Elf husband finally found me and saved me. For me, every day is Pride Month because I’m so proud of my family and so happy to be here these days. It wasn’t always like that.

“And Rachel honey, I’m so grateful to you for loving me and letting me be me. I’m coming straight home to you baby… after this one lap dance,” an anxious laugh, as Dannox checks his watch, “Uh. I want to thank you all for a lovely show. Night, everybody.”

More whistles and another round of cheers. Then, the Night Elf man confidently jogs off-stage.

…

Aww, thanks for reading this far if you made it!

Were you in the audience? What do you have to shout out, or ask Dannox after his set? He might respond.

@elendeare

[djrelentless]

“2013 REWIND: DJ Relenless Talks Music, Politics, Life And The Future”

December 26, 2013 at 4:29pm

What can I say about the year that gave us "twerking" and the "Gay Lumberjack meetsHillbilly Chic" beard? The year that blatant abuse of power with a side order of racism and homophobia was the order of the day. Where Pop Divas battled for the top of the charts, but were side swiped by a smarter girl from Houston.

Yes, 2013 was a quite a year in news and for me personally.

It seems like every year Reality TV gets more and more out of control. We went from a sassy toddler beauty pageant contestant to a backwoods redneck duck calling family and suddenly became surprised that the monarch of it was homophobic and racist. And not wanting to be outdone….the Kardsahians pulled every trick out of their Prada bags to stay relevant. Too bad that not even marrying Kanye West could keep them afloat on the internet. Kanye had a moment of truth on Jimmy Kimmel when he went on to address the parody of his BBC interview. For just a second, I understood his point of view, but then he just kept on talkin'! His mouth is gonna be his biggest downfall. He has some clever twists of phrases in his lyrics, but his idea of being a super genius is what keeps everyone from taking him seriously. Poor Paris Hilton…..she's no longer  the "rotten spoiled whore darling" of media. Instead of releasing that horrible song with Lil' Wayne she should have done a sex tape with him. That would have kept her in the news for at least a month. We were continuously being bombarded with information everyday. How could anyone keep up or pay attention?

Musically, we started out the year doing the "Harlem Shake". This really funky dance featured in many Hip Hop videos got appropriated and transformed into convulsions of the masses. Great beat, but no one I saw online was doing it right. This was kinda the "Year of Appropriation" (folks basically stealing other things from other cultures…..some for music, some to shock and some just to get a laugh). Even my alter-ego, Jade Elektra found herself being appropriated by Circuit DJ/Producers who years ago would never play or admit they liked tracks like "Bitch You Look Fierce" or "Why Are You Gaggin'?", but now are stealing riffs and lyrics to make these outdated tribal tracks for shirtless steroid boys to throw their hands in the air while their drugs kick in. That's so 1998!

The word "twerk" was on everyone's lips after the 2013 MTV Music Video Awardsbecause little Hannah Montana decided that once and for all she was no longer going to be a Disney Princess. So, when Miley Cyrus bent over in front of Canada's Marvin Gaye,Robin Thicke during a mash-up of "We Can't Stop" and "Blurred Lines" the course of Pop Music history was changed forever. Online and in the media, Lady GaGa and Katy Perrywere slated to duke it out for the top of the charts by September. After that moment, no one was even thinking about an "Applause" or a "Roar". But no one could have predictedBeyonce coming around the corner in at the last moment in December with her brilliantly unannounced CD and Visual album. Finally….an artist got it right. Release more than a bunch of songs. Give your fans a complete package and they will go out and buy it in droves.

Rivalries between Chris Brown and Drake or Azealia Banks and Iggy Azalea seem to cool by summer. I think a few people found out that the internet could be a dangerous place for their careers. Bad publicity is still bad publicity. And when you are trying to sell records in this economy…..it would behoove you to sit down and shut the fuck up! I didn't get the apology that I wanted from Eminem, but I did get to hear him say that he is not a role model and that he did a lot of his early 2000's antics for publicity. But like Andrew "Dice" Clay andLisa Lampanelli, you can only go so far shocking people before it turns into hate. On top and everyone's talking about you and then poof…..you're gone. The next obnoxious thing comes along. So, I lifted my ban on him just in time for his well crafted album, "The Mashall Mathers LP 2" (produced by the legendary Rick Ruben).

Idiots like Justin Bieber and Rob Ford really found out how bad publicity travels around the world in a second. These fools spent the year just writing jokes about themselves with every move. And it's sad that the City Government in Toronto has nothing place to remove Fordfrom office after admitting he lied about smoking crack, got caught on video with some shady dealings, possible murder suspect and told a room full of reporters that he has more than enough "pussy" to eat at home. Bieber just really needs a good ass-whippin'. Punk ass bitches like him are always super tough behind bodyguards when he would bust a grape in a fruit fight (to quote Jay Z). God….please make his announcement about retiring TRUE!

It was quite the year for Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. These two have played their hand very well. I just wish that they would give thanks to Ellen DeGeneres for really launching their success by having them on to perform "Same Love" in October of 2012. And speaking of lesbians on daytime television……it has been great to see the void of Oprah filled with two dykes competing for ratings every weekday. Queen Latifah & Ellen seem to be fighting over guests and who's funnier. The only thing is one is completely out and the other dances around the subject.

But we did have some new entries into the game. The LaToya Jackson of the Braxton family, Tamar Braxton really stretched her 15 minutes into 20. Kendrick Lamar shook things up on the Hip Hop scene by just being raw on his lyrics. And thank God that damn "Royals" song by Lorde seems to be dying down! I love when they hype a new artist that they think is the next big thing. She should take a look back at Nora Jones. Praised and revered….now no one knows where she is (taco stand, maybe). At least with Macklemore & Ryan Lewis they had a few years under their belts to find their sound and message. This kid's album sounds like one song. No variations and nothing interesting. I don't wanna hear another teenage girl who sounds like the voice of a baby doll programed with the latest catch phrases…..just tired! But we'll see what happens at the Grammys.

And speaking of the Grammys…..I definitely think it's gonna be a Justin Timberlake year. I think the lawsuit by the Gaye family will hurt Robin Thicke's chances. But Pharrell Williamsshould snatch a couple awards for producing and singing the track "Happy" for "Despicable Me 2". Let's just hope there won't be any awkward performances like Lady GaGa & R. Kelly's "Do What U Want" on SNL or Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" on theAmerican Music Awards even though they both made for good television.

Apparently some other "good television" in 2013 was "Breaking Bad". Who would have thought a show about dealing meth would be one of the highest rated show? Perhaps with the state of the U.S. it's not that surprising at all. From the blatant sabotage of the government by the arrogant and racist Republicans to the dumbing down of TV programing, many didn't have much to turn o except drugs to cope. Medical marijuana has legalized pot in certain areas of the country and many are trying to find doctors who will give them a prescription for any ailment.

And the Reality TV shows just keep on a comin'! My favorite new title coming from the states is "Sex Sent Me To The E.R." (probably because I could have been on this show….but we'll save that story for my book). As a member of the Screen Actors Guild, it saddens me that good actors can't get work today while simple and common people can allow cameras to follow them around and makes millions. And talking with one of my good friends who is an excellent director, I realized that this Reality Crap has effected our actual actors in America. Now perfectly good actors are "acting" like Reality Stars to get work. This is why Australians and Brits are playing Americans better than Americans. It reminds me of when I was applying for a job at Gym Bar in Chelsea, NY back in 2009 and the owner actually asked me to not mix my sets. Mainly because the norm in the bars in Manhattan these days at some gay hangouts is a DJ who cannot mix. That is killing the art of DJ-ing and definitely killing the art of acting!

But never fear….Kevin Hart came up with one of the most brilliant ideas. "The Real Husbands Of Hollywood" has flipped the script. It's a fake reality show with real celebrities. Very funny stuff! I predict that Mr. Hart will take the place of Dave Chapelle in 2014. God knows, he's about to drop several movies at once to start the New Year off. Let's just hope he doesn't implode like Dave did.

The other disturbing trend I watched in 2013 was the Conservative Party of Canada's government borrowing pages from the U.S. Republicans' playbook. Not many realized thatFOX News opened an office in Montreal this year. That means that the Republicans have raised enough money off the puppet shows like "Family Guy", "American Idol" and "The Simpsons" to expand to another country. The very things that the Republicans hate and want to fight to keep down like gay rights, immigration, poor people's dreams, etc…are the very things they sell us on their shows to make money to continue their agenda. Their remarking of voting zones and opposing Obama tooth and nail is part of their plan to take back the White House in 2016. And don't think for a moment that the Obamacare website debacle was not a scheme by the Republicans. It's just too bad that him being the first African-American President has left him in a position where he can't call them out without them saying he's playing the "race card". These days everyone is holding their breath hoping that Hillary Clinton will run in the next election. At this moment and time, she seems to be the only threat to the Republicans. But a lot can change over the next year couple of years. Remember back in 2008 when we all thought she was a shoe-in?

But I guess the most frustrating thing to watch this year was the acts of racism and homophobia. The George Zimmerman Verdict in the murder case of Trayvon Martin really sent a message about America that polarized race relations. It gave us the new and improved "Jim Crow". It raised the question "Have we really evolved at all?" People likePaula Deen and Phil Robertson are great example of the rebranding of "Jim Crow". Celebrities like Julianna Hough dressing in "blackface" for Halloween, Steve Martintweeting a racist jokes, the attacks on Nina Davuluri for being crowned the first Miss America of Indian decent….all tell a different story about "the land of the free." Some tried to apologize while others just "stood their ground" and let their racist thoughts flow like theRiver Jordan. And even though Elisabeth Hasslebeck was finally asked to leave "The View", I think it was a little too late.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/09/16/miss-america-2013-nina-davuluri_n_3933666.html

But I guess the most ridiculous thing I just read about recently is the "National Chick-Phil-A Day" coming up on January 21st, 2014. Supporters of Phil Robertson are planning to converge on all Chick-fil-A restaurants to show their support for him and freedom of speech. Hey…it worked when the company came out against gay rights! But in a strange move the fast food chain has quickly denounced any involvement with the movement. Probably because Robertson is not only a homophobe but also a racist. So, the company has had to pick and choose their hate. Yes…we hate homosexuals, but we love our black customers who eat chicken!

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/12/26/have-you-heard-about-the-national-chick-phil-a-day-to-support-suspended-duck-dynast-star/

http://www.tmz.com/2013/12/25/chick-fil-a-phil-robertson-facebook-group-statement/

But as for me, 2013 taught me a lot about myself and where my life is going. With the help of my husband (John Allan), Todd Klinck, Phillip Fournier and the owners of Crews & Tangos I successfully maintained a monthly fundraiser for one of the charities that is dear to my heart…..Toronto's People With AIDS Foundation. Probably because I have witnessed first hand the good work they do for people living with HIV/AIDS. I don't think that everyone realizes that all it takes is one person to start a movement or to take a stand. I hope that I have inspired a few people to live in their truth. It's the only way to live….for me at least. I've learned that it is never too late to right a wrong (especially when it comes to your family).

2013 also taught me to always stand up for what you believe in (even when it is the unpopular thing to do). Pride week in Toronto showed me how some people only see what they want to see. Supporting your friend when they have done something that is wrong or controversial does not make their actions right. It only makes you look uneducated. Opening a conversation and dialogue about different view points should not turn into a "Twlight" movie with Team This and Team That. If you don't know what it is to be discriminated against or degraded because of who or what you are, then of course you will not have the same view point as of someone who has. Social Media has turn everyone into their own little islands. And our youth suffer the most because they actually believe the hype of entitlement. A few likes or quick comments posted on a page makes them believe that they are that important when there are much bigger issues at hand.

So, even though I have lost a few friends and acquaintances behind standing up against a racist act, I have gained a few a long the way and remain proud that I said something when most didn't see what was wrong in the first place.

It weird thinking back at the movie version of George Orwell's "1984". "Big Brother" was a real threat to our lives (or at least we thought back then). The idea that someone was watching us 24/7 without our control or consent was a scary concept. Now "Big Brother" is a reality show and everyone is clammering to post their most intimate details online. I love seeing photos of people behaving badly, smoking joints and almost naked in their bathrooms. And then they wonder why they can't get a job! It would seem that "Big Brother" has figured out how to watch us with our permission and no one is the wiser.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq-_7F9asjo

For 2014….I pray for clarity. I pray for continued good health. I pray for a common ground where we all can be heard and still respect each other. I don't have to agree with you, but that does not mean we cannot work together to make a better place for all of us.