#I hope I can see the digital ticket version when it happens | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yoongsisbae · 2 years ago

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I posted 1,536 times in 2022

453 posts created (29%)

1,083 posts reblogged (71%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jung-koook

@yoongsisbae

@btssmutgalore

@fanficmemes

@amethystwritesbts

I tagged 1,533 of my posts in 2022

#asks - 274 posts

#just writer things - 201 posts

#yoongs is bae - 146 posts

#sweet readers 💗💗 - 128 posts

#namjoon is daddy - 103 posts

#my bb jay hoesuck 💦💦 - 93 posts

#writer problems - 93 posts

#i don’t have a jk tag so here is jk look at him and suffer - 82 posts

#everybody’s bias kim taehyung - 55 posts

#now that i have followers i can rec all the amazing writers and fics that i luv - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i don’t know if i can handle this level of self reflection rn tbh 😅😅 but i got through all of his songs once and love them so much 💙💙

My Top Posts in 2022:

Handshakes of a Lifetime - Chapter 9

You snag exclusive fan meet tickets, but as you shake hands with your favorite idols, something strange happens…

Soulmate AU / OT7 x reader

Hey lovelies, miss me? :’D It’s been hard to sit down and just write without any distractions. Also, writing this chapter made me realize I have effectively 15 main characters FML. It was A STRUGGLE, but I finally finished this chapter, hope you like it and can see each version of y/n peeking through at times <3

Word count: 11.6k

Warnings: ANGST, talk about death, but lots of cuddles, but also smut, sleepy sex, edging, quickies, t e n s i o n, more cuddles, morning sex, dom!hoseok because he is and you can't convince me otherwise

---

Against your better judgment you open the link. A radio station had taped some behind the scenes footage. When you track the video to the time...you saw it, your face, going over your notes while the members joke and laugh in the foreground.

Another Facebook alert from your ex pulls down from the top of your screen.

‘Let’s talk?’

The van door opens at that moment, and the members look at your wide eyes full of fear.

--- ---

“Are you sure?”

The question rattles you and brings you back into the present, sitting in a cushioned office chair, in front of a dark oak table, papers stacked in neat piles.

You were lost in your thoughts again, remembering a kind eye smile and a firm grip around your waist. A deep voice in the darkness asking you if you were ready.

Had you been ready then? Are you ready now? Are you sure of anything? You have to answer those questions, you have to find your voice. Answer now, y/n!

“Y-Yes, he doesn’t know anything. I didn’t tell him anything,” you repeat. “He knew I was leaving the country for a new job, that’s it.” Saying it out loud made you feel horrible, but what he did just confirms you had been right not to give your ex any details.

“Do you have any reason to believe he will try to start a rumor, go to the media, or do anything to try to hurt you, BTS, or the BTS brand?” The PR woman looks up from her tablet expectantly.

Ugh, this is not what you signed up for. Or maybe you did, when you signed off on all those NDAs. ‘Stupid stupid, what are you about to do?’ “I don’t know,” you grimace, muttering, looking over to Namjoon, the leader seated next to you. “We weren’t even that serious, I don’t know what more he wants.”

Namjoon places his fingers over your fidgety ones, thumb running along your knuckles. “Everything will be fine, the company handles things like this all the time.”

The PR woman looks between you, “Is there anything either of you would like to share so we can get ahead of it?” You pull your hands away from underneath Namjoon’s, feeling sick under her scrutinizing gaze. He strums his fingers on the table, an apologetic look on his face. Determined now more than ever to fix things. You were, however, determined not to be sick all over the patient PR woman’s papers.

This is your worst nightmare coming to life right before your eyes. This is why it took so long to even entertain the idea of reaching out to Namjoon. The thought of your name linked to theirs in headlines, netizens scouring every corner of your digital past to ruin you makes your stomach turn. You turn your head, searching for the answers to your problems in Namjoon’s determined eyes.

Namjoon takes a deep breath, ready to recite the information the group all agreed on...

--- ---

‘Let’s talk?’ had started it, then your ex became more aggressive when you didn’t answer. The car ride back to Hybe remained tense and quiet. You felt at fault, unloading the troubling information upon the group after such a long day. You had mentioned to Jimin briefly of your ex before, but you hadn’t prepared for an audience when explaining the details of your failed relationship. The group’s leader and his manager were quietly going over the video and your phone messages, while Jimin held your shaking hand in his.

The van travels over a bump in the road and it jolts you out of your thoughts. Was it still your own inner dialogue that now tries to calm you, or was that voice of reason a remnant of your past selves? Or more worrying, was that voice of reason, the last remnant of who you used to be before your life changed? Who are you now?

This time, Yoongi’s calm voice replayed in your ears, to count and focus before you really lose your mind. You glanced in his direction, he kept his head down, and you wondered what he thought of the whole situation. You wondered what everyone was thinking of you now.

As buildings blurred past, you felt like running, you imagined yourself running, escaping, falling through sand, falling through water, always running…

But you were stuck, in a car, amongst the souls you ran with. You didn’t want to run away from them. You couldn’t, even if your toes and fingers felt jittery with fear and anxiousness.

“Hey,” he whispers, “Look at me.” You lift your head away from the window to look Jimin in the eyes. “It will be okay, y/n.”

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441 notes - Posted March 15, 2022

BTS (as kisses)

Because I'm feeling sentimental xoxo

Namjoon is a running leap. Checking your watch five minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve. You find out he's just finished work, so you run. You leave the party, you leave the comfort of knowing you had a guarantee, and take a chance on him instead. You find each other on the street, because he’s running too, two minutes before midnight, and you leap into his strong arms. And as midnight comes, as the fireworks start, he lifts you off your feet, he hugs you in his arms. You don't part lips even after the cheers die down. Two smiles, two noses touching, two promises of I love you.

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662 notes - Posted September 7, 2022

The Woman with the Black Cat on Her Shoulder | MYG

Fearful, they buried them, stomped them into the dirt. Underneath their boot, scared men were unaware the seeds of hope had planted by their own volition. From the dirt and grime, grew flowers, blooms so tall, eclipsing their hatred. You were strong and unwilling to be cut down any more.

Dystopian Fantasy AU. Shapeshiftercat!yoongi x reader

Warning: 18+ adult themes, dystopian futuristic society (IS IT THO?), graphic violence against women, animal cruelty, attempted SA, mention of suicide, police brutality, angst, sex so soft and sweet and full of consent

Word Count: 9.1k

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“It’s her,” they said. Whispers in the crowd, repeating the phrase to one another, like a wave of hope rippling over their bodies, energizing their fight.

It was true. She was there, and the crowd could feel her power, her anger, forged from pain. Because it was their anger too. It was familiar, it was a friend reaching over their shoulder and telling them, ‘It will be okay. I’m here now. You don’t have to fight alone. You won’t lose this time, because you have me now.’

The rumors spread far, even the law-forcers knew of her. They knew of her as a myth, a story the people would tell to ease the pain of their subjugation. An empty promise shouted at the law-forcers, that one day they’ll be sorry, that one day victory won’t be theirs to take. She was the woman with the black cat on her shoulder. One look into those feline eyes and judgment is swift.

Some believed the cat is a creature from the underworld. The beast heard the people’s cries and clawed its way up into this world, collecting souls of abusers and assaulters, dragging them back down to its dark home. Some people believe the cat is part of her, she wields and controls the beast like a limb, that she isn’t human, but an angel, the savior of the people.

But she is neither and the cat is neither. She is like them. Born without wealth, without love, abandoned and alone, she grew up too quickly. A sad story told a million different ways by a million different girls. She lived her life as they all did, she worked and worked and worked and worked, and lived. She didn’t want anything more but to live...

You didn’t want anything more but to live, and perhaps it was by some divine intervention, you don’t know, that you crossed paths with a lonely black cat, so small and broken, so desperate to survive like you. You freed him and in ways you could not imagine, he freed you.

---

From the crowd of bodies, the woman with the black cat on her shoulder stepped to the front. Her clothes were black, pants torn and patched, sewn back stronger. A tight shirt so they made no mistake, it was a woman under that mask. Black cloth covering her face and hair, the amount of her hair hidden under her hood. But they could still see her eyes, accentuated by black eyeliner and hatred. And on her shoulder, a large black cat, long wild hair to match its wild eyes.

The law-forcers stood in a line, guns and shields ready. The angry crowd had nothing but hope now.

The law-forcers didn’t really believe it was her, looking down at her still. Any woman could find a black cat and pretend. They saw her as a martyr, a faker, their trigger fingers itching to make an example of her.

The cat hissed, mouth stretched wide open and long fangs displayed. The hiss was loud and piercing and the law-forcers flinched, embarrassingly reacting. The crowd jeered and laughed and the law-forcers pointed their guns at the black cat, growing in anger for being made fools.

You whisper to your companion to wait. Let them attack first. Show the world the true aggressor before them.

You waited because you knew the beast on your shoulder was a magical being. And the thing about living magic in a world filled with human creation, is that magic and technology reacted like oil and water, coexisting but unable to intermix, and magic was by far the stronger force.

Red lasers land on you and your companion, but you stubbornly stand tall and the crowd mirrors your actions. The cat growls low and menacing and hisses again. It only took one scared threatened man, one trigger happy finger, and then it was all over...for them.

A gun shot rang out, and smoke appears where the black cat on the woman’s shoulder stood, weaving and twisting in the air like black rivers, dispersing and covering the empty zone between the crowd and the law-forcers. Bullets entered the smoke and the magical force created a barrier, stopping them in midair. That is when they all knew, they knew she was not just a myth.

As quickly as the magic appeared, electricity disappeared. The energy sent a shockwave across devices. Cameras and lights, the law-forcers military grade machinery, and all that expensive technology the law-forcers depended on broke and malfunctioned. Precious moments without their weapons that give a perfect window of attack.

The crowd stands transfixed and the woman screams, loud and deep within her gut…

A roar.

The black cat appears and reappears, so quickly it’s impossible to follow the cat’s path. Fangs piercing through skin and muscle of the men paid to silence the people’s cries, now crying for help, crying in pain as sharp claws rip through kevlar and tear the flesh from their bones. She runs towards them without fear. That's what the crowd sees, they don't witness her fear of losing what she loves most that carries her feet forward. And then the crowd begins to run forward too, headed straight towards men with bullets ready to fire.

It’s chaos.

---

“Dinner’s ready.”

His voice was soft and calming but you startle awake. You don’t mean to, you’re just always on alert and so anxious these days.

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711 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

Campfire Burning | JJK

A steamy fic inspired by a certain vlive.

I originally wrote a couple lines of this when his vlive first came out and now it keeps raining and I keep getting reminded of JK camping so I finished this! :D enjoy!

Warnings: smut, mostly fluff, spanking u.u, fingering, pwp tbh, soft warm sexy time and a campfire and that’s about it :D

Word count: 1k

---

The fire crackles softly, embers burn slow, wood sizzles and snaps in a chaotic melody of warmth.

It also rains, the droplets patter in a steady rhythm. It makes you sleepy, content, the hushed sounds of nature, a song of fire and water.

But the person next to you, he has an even stronger effect on you than stormy weather or warm bonfires, being around Jungkook makes you feel calm and relaxed and safe.

You nod off in his arms, listening to him tell you about his day, softly singing when he can’t think of anything else to say.

“Are you ready to sleep?” he yawns.

“No, I like it by the fire, it’s warm.” You lean back into the warmth of his arms instead as he laughs, hugging you tighter.

Jungkook relaxes into you too, smells your hair, kisses the top of your forehead softly, wanting more of your attention.

It’s just you and Jungkook camping tonight, in the middle of a storm like two fools. It’s okay, the fire is still going.

Jungkook hums a sweet melody and lays lazy kisses across your cheek, down your jaw, on your neck, purposefully moving against you in ways he knows will rile you up.

But you don’t take the bait, not yet. You close your eyes and sigh softly, smiling. “This is nice.”

“Just nice?” He teases, wrapping himself tighter around you, hands searching for your ticklish spots until you squirm laughing.

“Yah! Well it was perfect.”

“Perfect?” He smiles, taking the opportunity to kiss you, one long embrace, lips pressed tightly against yours. Kiss sweet and strong and exactly like Jungkook.

He didn’t ask you if you wanted to sleep this time, just lifted you into his arms, throwing you over his shoulder.

“YAH! Oof.”

Jungkook snickers, entering the camper with you in tow. You wish you could say it was romantic being carried over the threshold, but as he had you, Jungkook took his time drumming the beat to Psy’s new song, ‘That That,’ onto your bum, laughing wickedly.

So you took your own revenge, in perfect view of his backside, you landed a sneak attack, not holding back. Jungkook cursed and you laughed, which was quite the painful act, your ribs jamming into his shoulder, but you were too giddy to stop.

You probably should have known better than to test Jungkook’s competitiveness, but you both had been drinking, feeling the effects of the alcohol and the exhilaration of being alone together.

So when he throws you onto the tiny makeshift bed, falling next to you, you know what’s coming, his hands already groping your ass, and then…smack!

You look over you shoulder unphased, and he does it again. See, Jungkook likes smacking your ass hard. You’re used to it; the burning imprint of his large hand. It stings, so hot. He does it again.

“You’re supposed to say, ‘ow’,”

“Ow,” you say smirking.

So Jungkook lands a final, hardest, loud smack against your ass, finally making you wince. He cuddles against you, too pleased with himself, so you roll over him. You’re competitive too, that’s why Jungkook loves you.

Your eyes focus on his face in the darkness of the trailer, his sharp jawline, long hair. You run your hands over his toned chest until you find what you’re looking for, your thumbs caressing his nipples. Jungkook moans a soft throaty sigh, biting his lip, pulling his lip piercing into his mouth, teeth biting on the metal. “Mmm.” You smile, bite your lip too, enjoying the effect you have on him.

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1,008 notes - Posted July 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

The Fantasy | JJK

You and your boyfriend try out a new form of role play, but it just keeps going wrong…

You realized how underappreciated you’ve become in your long term relationship and you can’t take it anymore, you want romance, you want excitement, you want to be wanted! So what happens? You find the courage to find someone better. You just hadn’t expected it to be Jeon Jungkook, who never took anything seriously, especially relationships. But that’s okay, because you don’t want a relationship, you want to be fucked. And that, Jungkook is very good at… ANYWAYS this is a lot of backstory for a shameless fic about getting railed a bunch of times.

Warning: sadist!jungkook, yandere!jungkook, masochist!reader, CONSENSUAL-NON-CONSENSUAL, if you don’t like that kink at all, then stop right now, because it is literally what the title of the story is about :’), predator/prey, bdsm, I am not an expert, don’t take this as a healthy portrayal of anything :), drunk sex, dubcon, rough sex, safe word use, gaslighting, breakup, really really bad sex that I truly find more triggering than the CNC :’), over-jealousy, toxic behavior, body shaming, reader calls herself overweight (I never use the other word), fingering, knife play, slapping, oral sex, anal, multiple orgasms, overstimulation

Word count: 10.6k

---

“Any fantasies?”

You hesitate.

Your relationship with Jungkook was going well, perfect, actually. It’s probably the best relationship you’ve ever been in, you realize. Definitely the best sex.

It’s funny how what you thought would be a one night stand has turned into this: cohabiting with – cooking each other dinner, dancing in your kitchen to music, fucking in your kitchen to music, fucking on every surface of your shared apartment – and enjoying each other’s company even when you weren’t in each other’s company, when he was on his computer mixing beats and you were on your laptop writing, sharing each other’s lives and becoming the couple all your friends groan about because you can’t keep your hands off each other. Because Jungkook, like you, had a Guinness World Record breaking high sex drive. And almost Immediately, the very night you decided to hook up with your long time friend, you discovered how compatible you were in the bedroom as well.

But this, was a bit different.

FIRST TRY

You finish chopping vegetables for dinner, cleaning the cutting board under tap water. Your boyfriend comes up behind you covering your mouth first, pressing his body close to yours next, so forcefully the counter’s edge digs in your abdomen. You grunt against his palm as he pulls your head back, hand squeezing your breast harshly.

“Shhhh,” he calms you down, lips pressed to your ear, picking up a knife from the sink. You stay as still as possible when he runs the knife flat side against the front of your body, up your stomach, between your breasts, tantalizingly slow. And then lets the knife’s tip go under your shirt, turning it, slicing the fabric.

You gasp in surprise against his palm, your noises muffled. He tightens his hold on your body, voice deep, angrier, “Don’t make any fucking noise.”

Jungkook flips you around, pressing you into the wall between the fridge and pantry. Hands wrapping around your throat, straightening your body, he kisses you hard, pushing his tongue inside your mouth. You moan, opening your mouth wider, letting him have his way.

“You’re not supposed to let me kiss you,” he breathes in. Hands pulling at the torn fabric.

“Oh? Oh, sorry.” You moan, “I’m sorry, you’re just so sexy, and I want you so badly,” you speak between kisses, “I can’t help it.”

He smiles and sighs, carrying you to the bed instead. “We’ll try again,” you giggle. “I’ll be better, I promise.”

FOUR YEARS AGO

You look yourself over in your bedroom mirror, there’s so many straps and lace and ties across your body. You turn to the side and pull in your stomach, wishing you were twenty pounds lighter, so your rolls didn’t stick so noticeably through the tight straps of your lingerie.

You turn again, twirling around to look at yourself from all angles, admiring the expensive intricate lace. It wasn’t a perfect fit, but overall you felt good, sexy even. It’s been so long since you did up your hair and makeup and tried to be sexy. You didn’t know if you even could be sexy anymore, but looking at the reflection in your mirror, you almost saw the old fun version of yourself again, attempting to break free. This was it, your final attempt. You were going to save your relationship! And show the love of your life that you were just as in love with him as the day you first met. Because you really were, and you missed him. You missed what you had. Somewhere along the way, you had stopped giving each other the attention you both deserved, Somehow it just all went wrong...

Before leaving the bedroom, you pulled on a silk robe, hiding your surprise. You felt self-conscious and unsure, but excited! You haven’t had sex with your boyfriend in weeks. And the last time you did have sex with him, you couldn’t even come. You had fallen into a rut.

“H-Hey-” you hug your boyfriend from behind, kissing his cheek.

“Hey, give me a minute.” Your boyfriend doesn’t even look at you, too busy concentrating on his video game. Ugh. You hated video games. You hated his gamer friends who preoccupied all his time, with their inside jokes, begging him to stay one more hour, two more hours. And you fucking hated that phrase most of all. ‘Just a minute.’ A game minute was not a minute, a game minute was half an hour if you were lucky. You didn’t always hate video games, but now, all you felt was disdain every time you heard the repetitive fighting noises, the ‘cheerful’ music constantly on loop in your house that made you want to rip out your own ear drums. You hated it.

You stand in the center of your apartment, watching bright blue light flood the empty living room. Your boyfriend is laughing with his friends, smashing the keys of his controller, his undivided attention given solely to the gaming monitor in front of him.

You call out his name, pull the ends of your robe down lower. Just a tease of what’s to come. A preview of what you were offering if he just reached out and took it. He turns to look at you quickly, smiling, “Five minutes! We’re in a raid, I’m sorry!” Just like that, laughing again with his friends, yelling into his mic.

As the seconds tick by you felt more and more conscious of how ridiculous you looked. How ridiculous you were being. How unwanted and unloved you felt. You pull the ends of your robe tight around your body, your eyes beginning to sting with surfacing tears, your throat painfully dry. Why couldn’t he just look at you, see you? Why couldn’t he just want to be with you?

You quietly turn around and walk back into your bedroom, sit down on your bed and look at your reflection again. You hear faint cheering, the game play restarting again, your boyfriend calling his friends for more backup. And you continue to stare, unable to move, weighted down by all your hatred and pain and heartache.

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1,829 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#proud of my writing 🥲🥲#now to track down the THREE posts I didn’t tag 😭😭😭#just writer things

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1ddiscourseoftheday · 3 years ago

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Mon 14 June ‘21

Louis Tomlinson Cooks is here!! Yeah it’s 100% for sure as delightful to watch Louis make himself a sandwich as you might have hoped, but how was his cooking? Well I’ll let Louis rate himself-- “I’m not gonna lie not that appetizing is it, I mean look at it,” he says when it comes time to taste his creation, plus, “chopping peeling slicing not great to be fair- everything else I’m all right” (he’s… not wrong, even aside from the peeler issues has this man ever held a knife??) but- “it probably tastes nice though as I said it’s not about presentation for me… [munches cutely]... it’s actually pretty banging, that’s actually quite nice!” Success! Maybe it’s cause he knows the secret to faking good cooking- “as you can see I don’t have a lot of cooking ability so the more butter the better,” I mean the experts can tell you, that’s advanced stuff right there! #Louis-aChild! Substituting mustard and ketchup for coleslaw is a bit of a bold move, but in a belated attempt to convince the kiddos to eat some healthy veg even though he won’t he does bravely try the cucumber strips despite being “not really a man for cucumber” and makes a pained attempt to be positive- “bit of crunch.” Oh and speaking of crunch I’m relieved to have learned that the waffle is NOT a waffle, it’s a crispy waffle shaped bit of potato; a much more reasonable fish sandwich addition than the American version of a potato waffle! Full Time Meals polled to see what people think of Louis cooking; the two choices are “it was amazing” and “the best,” THEY GET IT. My kind of Louis poll! Helen Seamons rated him a “10/10 for effort and entertainment”, Masterchef acknowledged Louis as one of their own, and Marcus Rashford keeps it simple- “my guy” with a lil heart. YEAH, SAME.

Harry showed up in Italy, where he was papped in Venice being driven around (with PA Luis) on a boat (as you do, in Venice). He’s in a cool embroidered Bode shirt and shades and fancy hair, looking good. He’s seen carrying his suitcase, taking photos, and resting his head on his arms looking like a model. One might think, since we just saw the My Policeman cast and crew on set celebrating the wrap of the shoot, that they were done filming and Harry was off to do something different, but nope, he’s there to film! The book has key scenes in Venice that folks had been wondering about the filming of, and David Dawson is also being boated around Venice for the paps, so, it seems that was just for the wrap of the *UK* filming, which makes sense I guess since it would mostly be different crew I imagine, and perhaps some of the main cast are done as well.

Liam’s NFT sale is happening tomorrow! If you’re confused and want more info, I’M NOT GONNA HELP THAT MUCH… uh but I mean you can check out Liam’s youtube video explaining though I would guess that won’t help much (even Liam thinks so; “there’s probably websites that explain a lot better than me” he admits). There is a roundup now posted of what’s on offer for the buyers of the NFTs but I’m gonna be really honest with you, I’m more confused now than I was before. It’s clear that there are only SIX LONELY BUG NFTs right? They for sure said that I believe. But the packages for each different piece (token bundles) seem to me like they’re available to multiple buyers? Like maybe you don’t get the NFT but multiple top bidders on each get the extras? Like they can’t be selling multiple copies of the NFT... can they?! Isn’t the WHOLE POINT that only one person gets to own it? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW I AM SORRY. What I think I understand to be true: the six NFT buyers get to go to “a once-in-a-lifetime immersive dining experience at Resorts World Las Vegas” (this is the dinner with Liam and “a selection of crypto leaders from around the world” which takes place on display inside a giant glass box) and also “a bespoke commemorative presentation box containing the world’s leading holographic display... with audio... and a custom made Lonely Bug commemorative coin,” and “a unique QR code directing the owner to a special ‘Director’s Cut’ edit of the short digital film ‘Making Of Lonely Bug Collection’ which features unreleased footage from the day of the drop showing the creators' reactions when the winning bids came in” (I mean YEAH I would think it’s unreleased it literally hasn’t happened?) But then there are really a lot of other extras including tickets with Meet & Greet access to any Liam Payne headline show around the world, admission to pool and cinema parties in Vegas with Liam, signed art, non-Liam extras (I will literally bid to NOT have 20 minute phone calls with those crypto entrepreneurs PLEASE… but that’s just me), and access to an online party hosted by Liam; I really get the impression many of these, especially the last one, are just crypto tokens that are for sale that aren’t linked to the main Lonely Bug NFTs and many more than 6 people can buy them but a lot of the extras I’m not clear on which it is. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll understand better WE WILL SEE.

Liam also dropped by the discord last night to say some hellos (after a “long long day”) and that he “bought a piece of NFT art of myself tonight I’m going to give it as a prize Monday night so someone can own a piece of art that was owned by me” (an even less tangible bragging point than simply owning an NFT wow that’s an achievement) and the most important update- “I want a French Bulldog”! Oh and he said “that’s like one I did myself” in his fanart channel to a pic of a tiny crocheted illustration of Louis and Harry holding up a rainbow flag. Didya Liam?? (...Liam is crocheting??) Anyway I recognize who it’s supposed to be because it’s based on a familiar piece of fanart, but Liam definitely might NOT realize it’s meant to be someone specific, and tbh I’m more <eyeballs> at him saying that at the rainbow flag crocheted thing than at it being shippy.

Our Song acoustic version is out this Friday!! And Niall talked about NH3 some in an interview today; “I’m in the studio most days, it feels really good. I’m kinda in the latter stages of it and then I’ll go get a band together and go in and record the whole thing. I’ve just kind of been writing for the past 9 or 10 months and really enjoying it” and “It sounds like a complete album. God knows when it’s coming out because I’d like to be able to get around the world to see all the fans as well” and “It’s different. It sounds a lot more grown up. I’m 27 so it’s about time. I really wanted to kinda cement a sound. The singles I’ve released previously have all been kinda different sounds. I would like to have my ballad sound & like a cemented uptempo sound.” He and Anne Marie also talked about one of the other songs they wrote together saying, “It’s kind of like a, how do you describe it- guitar driven meets Tom Petty meets Katy Perry meets…” but say “We haven’t really decided if we are putting it out yet, the conversations are kinda happening... but it’s completely different (from Our Song).”

#liam payne #whyyyy so confusing #niall horan #louis tomlinson #YES BABE please do bake off now PLEASE #Harry styles #looking so good even though those shorts are AWFUL IMO hilariously frumpy #love that #14 jun 21 #overall I do not think liam should get any more dogs #but a small dog he took everywhere with him would be ADORABLE #(more dogs than he has previously owned I mean he currently has no dogs)

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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years ago

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Kaoru&Toshiya Interview BURRN!! October 2020 1/2

'Ochita koto no aru sora' was released as the band's first digital single ever. In the middle of what it seems to be nightmarish situation in which they can’t predict at all what’s lies ahead , what are the hopes and emotions that these 5 people put into this song? Text by You Masuda

Notes before reading: This is the first part of the Kaoru and Toshiya interview done by You Masuda for BURRN!! October 2020 Issue, released on September 4th. This part covers more or less half of the interview. Expect second part to be posted around this weekend. You can read the second part here. You can support and get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) -----

At midnight on August 3rd, DIR EN GREY's latest single 'Ochita Koto no aru Sora' was released through digital distribution. Half a day before this, on 2nd afternoon’s, this magazine had the opportunity to talk to Kaoru (guitar) and Toshiya (bassist). Following the 'TOUR 20 SOGAI’ that was scheduled for this spring, the two-night performances 'The Insulated World-The screams of Alienation', which were supposed to be held on July 23 and 24, at Pia Arena MM, a large venue newly established in Yokohama, were also cancelled. However, this latest song with such a meaningful title was delivered as a promised.

Completed by Josh Wilbur as a mixing engineer, this song should be the starting point for a new direction for the band. On the other hand, the flow of their live activities has been cut off. However, even if they are under such a strange situation, I felt objectivity and calmness that differs from resignation in their words. -I think the situation is different so far from the usual single release timing. When it comes to digital-distribution only releases, things like booklets or extra DVDs are no involved in the process. Kaoru: No, it was supposed to be like that, but this is what we are doing right now. Besides, we are making an special package for Pia Arena (a packaged version of the same single that will be sent to ticket purchasers who didn’t want a refund due to the cancellation of the two-night performance at Pia Arena MM). Toshiya: So, in the end, the result is the same thing. Kaoru: It feels like (the idea of) that kind of work (packages) is something that we pursued later so that’s why the talk about if we should do a photoshoot for it or not came out. -I see. This time, the first digital distribution only release was made. It was the result of reassuring the release of new songs at this time, right? Kaoru: That’s right. A digital release is probably the best way to get it on time. Toshiya: In a sense, it's also a new initiative. I always thought the time for us to release something in this this way would come. I couldn't predict when that would happen. But now, at this time and under these circumstances, I feel like a digital release is a very rational thing. On the contrary, if it was not this time, maybe we wouldn’t had known when the right time was to give it a try. -Then, this situation made it happen. In the first place, surely the song ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ was planned to make its debut at the two-night performance in Yokohama (Pia Arena), After that, you have planned to release it around July, right? As a result, the fact that the performances were cancelled seems to have changed the implications a bit. K: Originally, the flow/world of ‘The Insulated World' was supposed to be finished in those two days, and we were heading to a new path from there, but the lives that were supposed to be the precursor for that, disappeared. So, as a result of that, it feels like the new single will be released while the previous flow is still going on. Of course, just because the tours and live performances that were supposed to be held are gone doesn't mean we can't make new ones, however, but you could say that the way to look at their flow has changed. Well, actually, about those two live shows (PIA ARENA MM), we may try to do them again someday in the future. -But in fact, just because a new flow is about to begin, even if these so-called revenge performances are done in the future, at this point, the things that you wanted to do might have changed. K: Yes. Because I don’t think of them as performances that had a date change. Over time, the songs we want to play will change. We actually talk about that. As expected, I can't say anything about it yet (laughs) -At the same time, the single. I think the way we look at the ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ will also change. T: It will change naturally. But it can’t be helped, and I don't think it's a bad thing. No matter what kind of work it is, it’s something that gets out of our hands at the moment that we put it out for the world. From that moment, I think it will change depending on the moment that people listen to it and how they feel connected to it. -For the two-night performance in Yokohama, the set list was broadcasted in real time on your official channel of Youtube. The last song of the 2nd day was ’SUSTAIN THE UNTRUTH'. I think that the fans that we were watching it should had listened to it while imagining ‘what kind of atmosphere will have the end of this performance?’. K: I don't think you could imagine what kind of live it was supposed to be even if you tried to (laughs). However, to reveal something at that live…. If we could had done these live, there was no announcement planned after the performance. We had no plans to do a tour beyond that, and there was nothing new to announce at that time. As a result, it only became possible to announce the single properly at that time. -The moment in which the flow from 'The Insulated World' was completed after the two-night performance, the growing curiosity would be “what’s next?”. If nothing is announced, that’s going to make people talk (speculate) about that, right? T: Hahaha. For sure. K: Well, but it was like “but there is nothing! (to announce)’, right? (laughs), But well, we are just about starting the album production. It’s just that we can't announce anything because we haven't decided when we are going to announce it yet. T: But that’s already the greatest implication, right? -For sure. Anyway, the fans have no choice but to use their imagination. Also, a song with such a meaningful title such as ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’…what kind of song it it? Is the kind of song that is ahead of ‘The Insulated World 'and 'The World of Mercy'? Could you say that this song suggests the musical direction you are going to move on? K: Well, we don’t know yet. It's just a song has been completed to be single. It starts from there but who knows what will happen in the future? -In other words, it's better to think of it only as a single song, right? K: Yes. At this point, that’s what it is. -Kaoru, you said in an interview published in 'BURRN! JAPAN VOL 16’done before the completion of this single that I have no choice but to imagine how the music would be from the title. You used the mysterious words “a modern/ a song according to the current times” as way of teasing me. K: I did say such a thing, didn’t I? (laughs) -I had no idea of what that meant, but from the impression of the title, I imagined a slow song that felt dark and heavy. However, when I actually got to listen to it, I found out that it’s not like that at all. It’s a song that doesn’t fit in your common format or a standard song that has gone through a process of changes. Although there are many developments parts and just a few repetitions, it feels like all these the elements are tightly packed in these 3 minutes. Pointing out that it’s a song that debunks the theory I made, I wonder what did you mean with “a song according to the current times/modern”? K: What I wanted to point out when I said that it’s that the high point of the melody(chorus) isn’t the only outstanding thing about the song. Usually there is one high point in the song, usually in the middle of it and a few other highlights during it. That’s what I think that I meant when I say a “modern song” (laughs) -What were your first impressions when you heard the song, Toshiya? T: I don't remember the impression I had when I first heard it. Of course, the song itself has changed a lot since that moment. However, it did change following the flow of DIR EN GREY at the same time in a natural way. I don’t know how to say explain it properly but, I think that it feels like a song that was composed while using limited components very effectively. It’s a very interesting song composed with creativity and originality. -The fact that it’s a song composed with the minimum necessary parts, including the the catchy part makes it interesting and intertwined, isn't it? T: That's right. So, while adding and subtracting parts, it created a good shape for the song. I think that’s very interesting. -In a sense, I feel that it also connectss with "CLEVER SLEAZOID", which is recorded in a new version this time. K: What do you mean? -At that time, that song was also the beginning of a new flow for you, building up the song until a high point. Moreover, there was a compactness in each part that were intertwined in a functional way and finished without needing to repeat parts more than the necessary. That's why I felt there was some intention behind these two songs lined up together in this way. K: Ah, I see. T: But that’s reading too much into it (laughs) K: Actually, before the main song of the single was completed, I've already arranged it, this 'Clever Sleazoid'. “I wish we could live in really safe circumstances. Rules for live might be different, but I definitely want to try it soon” Toshiya -Oh really? What made you decide to re-record this song at this time? K: Somehow, the lyrics…. T: As he (Kyo) wanted to sing them in Japanese... K: Yes. English is mixed this time as well in the lyrics, but at that time the lyrics were all in English. (Note: In the original song, only one line in Japanese was included in the end). He wanted to sing it in Japanese, we thought we should try it. T: This was... I think it was in France. We had already decided to do it during the European tour from January to February. That's why I remember the time when we were rehearsing it in France. K: Yeah, that's right. T: We raised the tempo a little, change the rhythm, and try to match it together. It was like… ‘how does it feel like this? ‘Or like that?’ We were kind of checking the atmosphere that it would create (for the song). - The single "Clever sleazoid" was released in 2005. At that time, even from the American label side, the lyrics were requested to be made in English. That’s something that might had cause Kyo feel disappointed. Also, using the English language did not change the way people accepted you in Europe and the United States. So it might me something that created a feeling of discontent. By the way, this song hasn't been on the set list so much in the last years. K: That was just a coincidence. -It was a little surprising that it wasn't included in the set list for the two-night performance in Yokohama (PIA ARENA). T: Yeah, for sure. K: If we would had put it in this time, you just can’t play the old version. It's just like that. (When the setlist of PIA ARENA was broadcasted in Youtube) -I agree with that. There are many things I would like to ask about the lyrics of this song now that are done in Japanese, and of course, the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora", but this time, Kyo seems that won’t accept interviews about the lyrics. Fans have begun to search for the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora" since the short version of Youtube was released for the first time. The words "August 6th Morning" appear in the lyrics but is the reason of this the continuation of the story that is told in the song “Riyuu” (Song from 'Macabre',released in 2000, the lyrics start with the words "August 5th")or is it pointing out the date when the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima? When the video clip was released, it seemed more natural to interpret it like the latter, because it includes images related to war scenarios. I don’t really want to compare your answers here but, how do you both interpret it? K: Mmm, I think that it’s like something that is restricted, like being trapped in something where you can’t see anything. That kind of feeling. To tell the truth, Kyo told me something like “this is the feeling of it” but, it seems that at some parts, the current situation has also been included. The other day, following the cancellation of the Pia Arena performances, there was a talk event for people who purchased VIP tickets, and this same thing was said there right on the spot. “It’s not unrelated to this situation right now”. -Even if he originally wanted to write about other things, does this mean that this situation has affected it (the lyrics)? K: It seems so. -What do you think of this, Toshiya? T: I don't really try to interpret the lyrics in detail, however, I was wondering if this song was a continuation. I feel the lyrics these days are all connected even if they come from different directions. Also, I basically think of all his lyrics and songs in terms of melody. So, I didn't scrutinize the meaning of the lyrics or anything like that, for me it is like a sound. -Saying so, I can't go asking any further (laughs) In fact, I myself feel that there is a continuation in that sense. I think there should be a connection with "The World of Mercy". What about the title itself, “Ochita koto no aru sora" (“The fallen sky or the sky that has fallen”)? Does this mean that a sky has fallen? Does that mean that you yourself or something has fallen in the past? Initially, I felt it was the first option but now seeing the story, it seems most likely to be the latter. K: I think it could be both things falling, right? But, I think that it’s ok for each person to decide how they do perceived to the lyrics. -I feel like the suffocating feeling as if the sky was falling, overlaps somehow with the current situation. K: Yes. However, when you use “koto no aru”, it means that you have already experienced it. So, in the sense still…. T: I’m not really sure about it. K: I don't feel like the person who wrote the lyrics wants to say "this is it" clearly. In a way, if it were something that wants to be clear, it would be explicit in the lyrics. Rather than that, there is a part in which what is writing is daringly blurry. After all, I don’t think I like explaining the meaning of the words because explaining will weaken the meaning. Isn’t it stronger if everything is in the shape you wrote it? -Yes. I would like to ask Kyo again about this matter sometime after. However, what about the link between the content and the video clip with the lyrics? For example, among those which are known, as "VINUSHKA" (included in "Uroboros" released in 2008) from the video, it is natural that some people interpret is as "This is a song about the atomic bomb, isn't it? However, it is not a materialization of the lyrics, but rather an answer to the song from the director of the video’s side. The video of "Ochita koto no aru Sora" is directed by Keita Kurosaka, who has worked on "Agitated Screams of Maggots" and "Rinkaku"as well. This time, you asked Mr. Kurosaka to do it because…...? K: First of all, the actual question was who could make the clip. So, it started with looking for a director. It was the same as always, this time, after all, it’s hard to come up with new ideas when it comes to select people for doing it. This time, it’s not directed by Kondo (Hiroyuki: the video director who has worked on many of their video clips) because the previous clip has not been completed yet (laughs). If he hasn’t finished that, we can’t ask him for a new one. So, we talked to Mr. Kurosaka, with whom up until now we have worked together with animation stuff but, as there were also people who took pictures and footage, we decided to mix them up. -So that was the reason why you didn't ask Mr. Kondo? The full version of ‘'The World of Mercy' video clip isn’t out yet… K: It's not finished. It hasn't been done yet, it's true. But….aren’t we a little weird? Somehow, normally, we should be angrier. Actually, I was angry but even so, it wasn’t done yet (laughs) -He is a person who thoroughly goes digs in the content. The video will be exceeding the 10 minutes as well as the length of the song. However, until now, the video for 'The World of Mercy' has only being shown to our eyes in its limited version. T: We also have seen only that as well (laughs) K: We haven't seen anything more than that. We've only seen the short one, so with those, we still don't get the big picture of the video. That’s why we haven’t been able to do some exchange of opinions like ‘isn’t it really different?’ -That's too bad.Isn’t it something like (the situation) of La Sagrada Familia? T: Isn’t it? (laughs) After all, it seems it’s hard for Kondo to put everything together, because there are too many feelings or enthusiasm towards DIR EN GREY. I’m acting as his spokesman (laughs). But well, I’d like to ask you to do it faster (laughs) (Next part)

#dir en grey #kaoru #toshiya #burrn!! october 2020 #BURRN!!#You masuda #interview #toshiyatranslations #translation

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justjessame · 3 years ago

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Avery Emerson Clay: Hook, Line, and ... Have Y'all Ever Been Bait?!

My new schedule began the next morning, tempered only by waking up in Jake’s arms, and followed by a lengthy shower that was definitely Jake’s way of negotiating for me to behave in the way my dad and brother expected me to. Trust me, if Jake was willing to wake me up this way every damn day, I’d be more than willing to go along with Daddy and Clay’s stupid script with less bitching than my tiny body would put out naturally.

If you’d ever seen Jake Jensen fully naked and covered in bubbles, which you won’t because I’d beat you bloody, you’d understand my compulsion to go with the flow.

While being put into a more malleable state, I wasn’t completely devoid of my own personality. I pulled a few choices for attire for my first day as bait. Since I’d be jogging, then running errands to the office, and - God help us all, shopping, I would need a few wardrobe changes.

“Do you really think that is a good idea?” Jake was barely containing his laughter, and I didn’t really want him to. I was pulling on my first costume, the athletic look, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.

I turned to face him and made sure I was wearing the most exaggerated perky look I could force my face into. “Now, Jake, isn’t the point to make Maxi-poo grab my tiny ass?” The shirt was tight and bedazzled with the word “SNACK” across my tits, it was a joke clearly, something my mom had grabbed on one of her and Dad’s many trips. Something NO ONE ever expected me to actually wear in public. “I have another one in here that says ‘JUICY’, if you think that’s better?” I bit my tongue and he shook his head laughing before coming close enough to kiss me.

“You’re incredible, Avery,” I was on tiptoes to keep contact, but Jake was helpful and cupped my ass through the very tight shorts I’d paired the stupid shirt with and lifted me so I could wrap myself around him. “I’m sure your dad and Clay are going to pop a blood vessel between them, but I think you’re fucking amazing.”

With that in mind, I grabbed my earbuds, my cell phone, and headed off for my extra dose of jogging that I fucking hated. Dad stared at my outfit, but refrained from offering any feedback while Clay lamented the narrow choices that it gave for hiding the tracking device and bug to keep me company.

“So I get to keep Jake inside me all day?” I caught Jake’s eye and grinned at how red and purple he could get in public. “Maybe next time lead with that when selling the op to me.”

“Ave,” Clay was tucking the earwig into my earbud, making them one, “maybe try to keep Jake alive by NOT making him a target for Dad’s fucking rage?” His voice was quiet enough that I was fairly certain Dad couldn’t hear him. “You like him, right?”

I sighed, “yeah, I do.” Which sucked, because pissing Dad off was pretty fucking fun, but getting Jake maimed would suck far worse. “Alright, so I jog down the hill and around the park and then back up the bike path,” I thought the best way to fix shit was to pretend I didn’t say anything bad at all. “If I have to do it more days than usual, I don’t see the point in diverting from the same course.”

“Right,” Dad offered, grabbing my water bottle from the fridge and handing it to me. “While you jog, keep the music to a lower level than eardrum bursting, that way not only Jake can hear you, alright?”

I nodded and he walked me out. Dad stayed with me in the driveway while I stretched, talking me through the finer points of some of the self defense shit that I hadn’t touched in awhile. “But I can’t incapacitate him, right?” I groaned, touching my toes. “The point is to get Max to take me.”

“Take you, but not hurt you, Avery.” Dad stepped closer to me. “Make sure he knows you're a Clay, princess.” With a kiss to my forehead and a pat on my back I was off on my run.

Nothing happened during my jog, or my shopping trip. Aside from mind numbing boredom. I hated to shop. Unless it was for my pets or for a purpose. Mindless shopping because I could? Boring. Glancing at the files I had on the passenger seat of my car, I felt another sigh build. Last errand on my list for day one of my ‘routine’, Guardian Incorporated.

“You’re doing great, sweetheart,” Dad’s voice cut in, as I moved through traffic. Throughout the day, Dad, Clay, and Jake had given me mini pep talks. They weren’t as helpful as they hoped to be, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t tell them that. “One more stop and then you can come home.”

“Yep,” I agreed, pulling into the garage after being nodded through the security gate. “One more chore then fetch and yoga.”

Soft chuckles broke through my earbud and I smiled. “Never thought I’d hear you sound happy about the yoga, princess.” The chuckles belonged to all three men in my life, but the comment was fully Daddy.

“Yeah, well don’t hold me to it for long.” I muttered. Grabbing the files and my employee badge, I beeped my car locked and headed for the bank of elevators in the employee garage.

The first couple of days were simple and non-eventful. I jogged. I shopped. I did errands to GI. We added stops and errands that made sense.

Rose was back at work. She didn’t say a word about the missing practice dummy or about my new schedule, which says a lot about how long she’d been with our family.

Jake had moved into my room, there seemed to be NO point in keeping up some stupid pretense in having his things in a separate room, and forcing Rose to keep it in the same state as a room that actually had a person staying in it.

It was a regular day, at least my NEW regular. Wake up wrapped up in the warmth that was Jake Jensen, get a hot shower to make my day a little easier to face, then dress for a jog that I’d rather not fucking deal with - with an earbud in my head with music and three men giving me their version of motivational advice.

Once I was miserable from the exertion, I’d come home for a less pleasant shower, redress in my next costume change, this time for mindless shopping and whatever bullshit “look at me” errands the men in my family devised for Max to find me doing. A bundle of “files” for good measure next to me in the car, and away I’d go, my earwig in place.

Jake, Daddy, and Clay would take turns to tell me how good I was doing or tell me how fabulous I was in all ways shapes and forms. I’d maneuver through traffic and I’d work through the stores and the shiny happy people that I was supposed to enjoy dealing with on the daily. Spoiler: I wasn’t enjoying dealing with these people on the daily.

Off to GI, where I’d be waved through the gate, onto the employee garage, into the employee elevators and up through the floors. Dropping a file here, there and everywhere until I was back in my car and home. Except, today, I made a different choice.

“What if I don’t park in the garage?” I had to ask out loud, the earwig wasn’t a mindreader, thank fucking God. No one answered, so I went on with my idea. “If I go in through the main entrance, maybe Max will see me. I mean it’s not like he has the same access as I do.” Fucking lightbulb moment.

“Try it,” Clay, the voice of reason, or at this point fucking try anything. “Give it a shot, Ave.”

“I plan on it, bro.” I was pulling up to the curb, hoping that I had the necessary shit for the parking meter. “Let’s hope I don’t get a fucking ticket, OK?”

The light chuckles told me they were tense, but hopeful. Could family members and your boyfriend really be hopeful for your possible kidnapping? Yes, I figured. Yes, they could. I grabbed the files and some change from the cupholder and clipped my badge onto the top folder. Here goes nothing.

I was waiting at the first bank of elevators, holding the files and doing the mental math for how long the meter would give me before I’d have a ticket to pay, when I felt it. The tingle that tells you someone is paying attention to you. Close attention.

The mantra started in my head. “Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.” The worst thing I could do was look, right? I mean if Max was actually here, looking would be the tale tell sign that I KNEW.

The elevator dinged open and I stepped onto it, alone. And as the doors were about to slide shut, a voice called out asking for me to hold it. I just managed, and the person who stepped inside was so benign that I doubted highly that it was the Max that my brother was looking for. This man? This linen suited, perfectly coifed, somehow pansy-assed looking man was a black ops burning psycho? REALLY?

“Do you mind pressing 3 for me?” He asked and I shook my head and tapped the button. “Thank you, Miss?”

“You’re welcome.” I stepped to the right, putting a bit more space between us and focusing on the files in my hand.

“That’s not very friendly,” I didn’t answer, but he didn’t really need me to. “I’d think that the daughter of Guardian Incorporated’s founder would want to put on a more welcoming demeanor for a prospective client.”

I looked up to see him staring down at me with a hint of a smirk on his lips. “I’d expect a prospective client to know that the daughter of the founder is in disgrace right now, so pandering to prospective clients isn’t high on her to-do list.”

“Touche, Miss Clay.” He gave a small tilt of his head, point to me. “I guess I missed that tidbit. Whatever could such a striking young woman do to fall into ‘disgrace’ was it?”

I moved slightly closer to him and tilted my head closer too. “I tasered an employee's balls when he muttered ‘nepotism’ at me a time too many.” A shrug of my shoulder and I moved back to my original position. “Now I work from home, unless I’m forced to bring paperwork in that can’t be faxed or digitally sent.”

He was grinning at me with real amusement now. “Pity, I’m sure you add more than just beauty to the workplace, Miss Clay.”

My floor dinged and I exited the elevator. “It was nice to meet you, Mister -”

“Oh, I think we’ll meet again real soon, Miss Clay.” He was fixing his cuffs and I noted that one hand was wearing a leather glove. “Very soon.”

“I can’t be completely sure,” I muttered once the elevator doors were shut and it started to move to the next floor. “But I’m pretty confident that Max and I just shared an elevator.”

#Franklin Clay #jake jensen x ofc #The Losers (2010)#alternate universe #Mild smut #humor #fluff #Family Fluff #FLUFF AND SMUT

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smbeech · 5 years ago

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AWA Life Report and Feedback wanted.

So I am starting with the Feedback portion because I think this is most important. Fake Star reached out to me and is requesting feedback on the VIP offerings. I am letting as many people know as I can, that Fake Star would like feedback on the offerings for VIP badges and other things you’d be interested in.

Specifically, they would like to hear from you on more of what you’d like offered as a VIP benefit. Fake Star will be meeting with them next month and would like to bring your ideas to them.

So far we’ve received the following suggestions:

Continue the Photoshoots.

Continue Early Access

More items to raffle off

More Gacha Items

A Fan meet event where you can interact with the band more, play games, buy cheki with the members, hear acoustic versions of songs, etc.

Back Stage look, being able to be present for soundcheck and practice.

International FanClub, right now the idea is for a digital version only as most of the current Fanclub perks outside of tickets and store times are digital already.

International shipping for the LM.C Store.

If you have anything you’d like to contribute, please let us know! This is your chance.

Now onto AWA report!

Fake Star presented LM.C for the second time in a row at this year’s Anime Weekend Atlanta.

The event marked LM.C’s third performance in a row in the U.S. It also marked the first-ever offering of VIP badges for LM.C events. Perks included Early access to all LM.C events and up to 2 photoshoots with LM.C, one of which was with the MAD LM.C. This marks the first appeared of MAD LM.C since well…they were first introduced.

The Mad LM.C Photoshoot took place on Thursday, Halloween, and the General photoshoot took place on Saturday the second. The fans came together to create a flower board display for LM.C and bouquets.

Previously, photoshoots had only ever been offered to members of Team LM.C in Japan. The concert was great, the setlist included: Ghost Heart, Oh My Juliet, Funny Phantom, Double Dragon, Hoshi no Arika, 88, Boys and Girls, Chamaleon Dance, Rock the LM.C, We are LM.C Anthem, Chaindreamers, the Buddha, & Punky Heart.

Surprisingly, only one song (Chaindreamers) from the latest album, Future Sensation, was played, but the audience was enthralled none the less. LM.C came out full force in all their glory as this picture below so famously immortalized.

The show started with a little bit of a hitch, as there was a sound malfunction, forcing the band to stop during the first song. While the issue was being resolved Maya engaged in some light banter with concert-goers. He asked who spoke multiple languages and informed the audience that he spoke two languages, Japanese and Japan-English. He also asked the audience about some new words he’d learned, “Lit” and Yeet.” He seemed to get what “Lit” meant and had no trouble saying. “Yeet,” however, gave our king some trouble. He attempted to pronounce it, the result was “Why-Eeeet?” Despite help from the crowd, I am unsure if he really got it.

He also enquired about the blue Powerade beverage he’d been provided with. He asked if the drink was safe and why it was blue. The audience responded with a mixture of Yes, No, and Maybe. He only took one sip of it the entire concert, so we can presume, he was not a fan. In fairness, this is probably a good idea when drinking something that looks suspiciously like window-cleaner.

During this banter, Aiji disappeared off stage to presumably help with adjustments. This prompted Maya to ask, “Where is my Guitarist, where is my man?”

Finally, the show restarted, none of the excitement or energy before the malfunction had been lost. One of the high points of the show was when 88 was performed. The crowd had been given glow sticks with lyric an instruction cards before the show to sing along with Maya when the song started. It worked with resounding success, Maya even got a little choked up. Throughout the concert there was more banter from Maya culminating in everyone’s favorite translator, Ryan, being summoned to the stage, along with a phrased cried out from an audience member that will live in infamy, “Ryan is Daddy!”

Maya asked what that meant, but a mortified Ryan said he’d tell him later. We don’t know if he ever did. This show had more effects than the 2 previous concerts, complete with the lyrics displayed so the audience could sing along. In the past, many have struggled to do this.

The show concluded with Maya making jokes with the cameraman, asking if he was cold in the Cheerleader outfit he was wearing. Pictures were taken, and the band was taken back when the lights came on and they were able to see just how many people came to their show, they were truly impressed.

Throughout the weekend, special GACHA packs were sold, some contained blue tickets which would grant the holder access to a special signing where you could have anything signed and it would be personalized. Those who got multiple tickets were very generous and gave their extras to those who got nothing. It was great to see fan-base come together and help each other and ensure that more people had the opportunity to have a wonderful time with LM.C.

The Final LM.C event was Sunday with the raffle and Q&A Panel.

Here are the questions in no particular order:

What’s your favorite LM.C look?Aiji said he likes loose clothing that’s easy to move around in, therefore the Track Suit from JOHN was his favorite. Maya said the current outfit [see above] was his favorite, followed by the costume for “Let Me Crazy!!”

What’s your favorite song to perform?

Aiji said anything upbeat, like Chameleon Dance, while Maya said he likes to perform the songs that have appeared in Anime as those are the ones that American audiences get into the most.

What song of theirs that doesn’t have a video would they want to make a video for?

Maya asked the audience if they were familiar with a manga called “Kingdom,” which is a fictionalized retelling of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms from Chinese history. He said the song “Dystopia” was based on that Manga, and he wanted to do a really big expensive video for it.

Aiji said he would like to do more videos for their slower songs, specifically “Twinkle Star,” he too would want it to be expensive with lots of special effects.

What does the name LM.C mean?

Maya said that before their debut, they already owned the domain [Lovely-Mocochang.com] and that the band name came from that. {LM} stands for “Lovely-Mocochang,” {.} stands for “dot,” and {C} stands from “com”.

Of course, the name also comes from a dog Maya once owned, “Moco.”

What are their favorite childhood memories?

Maya said his favorite memory was of watching a historical drama with this grandmother when he was young.

Aiji said his favorite memory was of building a paper statue with his kindergarten class for a school festival.

What would be their advice for the current generation?

In response to this question, Maya asked the attendees if we read translations of LM.C’s lyrics. The audience responded, “Yes.” He then said that if you follow what is written in those lyrics you can learn how to be happy.

Who’s their favorite western artist?

Maya said his favorite was Cyndi Lauper, he liked her look more than her music though. He said that Mad Maya’s bright yellow hair color and appearance was inspired by her.

Aiji said his favorite artist was Michael Jackson.

How did they meet?

Maya stated that they met at a live house in Nagano when he was 17. He said that was there to see the band that was performing either before or after (don’t remember which) Aiji’s band. He didn’t remember much about the occasion other than Aiji was smoking when they met.

Would LM.C ever do an American Tour?

Maya commented that America is really big, they said it would be cool and asked if we would come to their shows, of course, everyone said yes.

What’s the meaning of Aiji’s Tattoo?

Aiji said that the first tattoo was his parent’s birthdays, the second represented the universe, and the third was for his previous band.

On the topic of tattoos, Maya said he doesn’t think he’d get one because he’d become bored of it and want to change it. He then joked that maybe he should get a big chest tattoo.

Did they ever get nervous meeting celebrities and idols they were young?

Aiji said no. Maya said that he’s not the type to get nervous so, no. He then said that when he was in middle school he got to meet Hide from X-Japan. Maya said that he didn’t even introduce himself he just started talking to Hide.

What’s their favorite letter and kanji?

Maya said is favorite letter was “M” (obviously), and his favorite kanji was Umi for sea “海.” Aiji took some time to think about his favorite letter, first, he said, “…L?” Then he said no, and kept thinking. Maya asked him, “Is it M?” to which Aiji responded with, “Yeah….no.” At last Aiji settled on “R.” For his favorite kanji, he said Kumo for cloud, “雲.”

Would they ever bring back MAD LM.C?

Maya said they’ve been wanting to do something with Mad LM.C but there was never a good time. It worked for this event because it fell on Halloween. He said that if another con fell on Halloween, they would do it again.

(My hope of hearing “Mad or Die!” live may never happen. ToT)

Why did they choose Visual Kei for their style?

Both Maya and Aiji said it was because all the bands the liked growing up were doing the style that would eventually become V-Kei. There was no V-Kei at the time when they were getting into those bands.

Someone asked if they liked the gift their sister gave them.

A girl gave LM.C a drawing of them as a gift. Her sister asked if they liked the gift. They said they appreciate any gift they receive but it really means a lot when someone takes the time to make something specifically for them.

Regarding the drawing itself, they liked that she had combined their first outfits with their new look.

That’s all the questions I remember. If anyone remembers any I missed, please tell me. That’s it for the live report. Please don’t forget to let me know by commenting or sending me a message if you have anything you would like to see offered in future VIP events for LM.C. Fake Star really wants to know your thoughts, and I was very honored that they reached out to me. So please, let your voices be heard.

I hope you all have the opportunity to attend a VIP event for LM.C someday. There is also a fan discord for LM.C please feel free to join and connect with other fans!

Link here: https://discord.gg/Bz2WWJt

#lm.c #lm.c live #maya #aiji #lm.c maya #lm.c aiji #lm.c concert #lm.c fans #Fake Star #awa #awa 2019 #my thoughts

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itsbenedict · 5 years ago

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Rendering the Incomprehensible Comprehensible

I am confused by the state of the art of psychiatric medicine.

Now, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a guy what makes computers is be do videogames, and I haven't taken a chemistry class since freshman year of college or a biology class since high school. Pretty much the extent of my knowledge of the field is that I read Slate Star Codex a lot. So, the questions I'm asking here are ones I have to assume actual professionals in the area have answers to.

That question being... why is it made of drugs?

I don't mean in an “oh, these are social problems and we must solve society and overthrow [racism/capitalism/millenialism/makesworldwrong] instead of medicating our free spirits” way. I mean in a... how do drugs work at all, kind of way? It makes sense they work for killing pathogens- all you have to do is come up with a poison that works on what you're trying to kill but not on the host. But for fixing the brain? What?

My model of drug discovery works something like this:

- Scientists poke around at the brain and see a ton of hyper-complicated chemical processes happening in there, and make some educated guesses about what they're doing, based on measurements of levels of certain chemicals in certain places during certain mental states. They've got some vague ideas about what these chemicals are doing, but these are mostly statistical inferences and not detailed causal models. They look at these brain chemicals and how they move around, and infer that if they make some other chemicals that are shaped in specific ways, those chemicals will interfere with these other chemicals and make there be more or less of them under certain conditions. - Armed with these guesses, they go to the lab and synthesize these chemicals, and then spend billions of dollars running gigantic clinical trials to see if, maybe, putting a bunch of these new chemicals in the bloodstream will actually have anything like the desired effect. - Most of the time they don't, because these were just educated guesses based on simplified models, but with enough billions poured into running more trials, they'll eventually find a chemical they can p-hack into looking like it does something, and then exploit FDA regulations to get doctors to prescribe it for a thousand dollars a pill. Sometimes, if they're extremely lucky, they'll find something that has a positive effect that they don't need to statistically mutilate to show, and then we have a groundbreaking discovery.

I may just be super underinformed, but as I understand it... this process weirds me the hell out.

In my current job, I spend a lot of time fixing bugs in old websites. These websites are sometimes large and labyrinthine, full of old uncommented code some contractor wrote years ago before dropping off the face of the earth. This is, ignoring for a moment a completely unignorable difference in degree of complexity, kind of like trying to fix problems with the brain.

When I go in to fix a bug in a website, there's a lot of things I can do. I can look at the page's elements in the browser's dev tools. I can run the debugger and step through the code, looking at all the data and its values at any given point in time. I can go to the git repo and look back through previous versions of the code, to see what changes were made and when, in conjunction with Jira tickets describing what issue those changes were made to fix. And once I've figured out what's happening, I can go into the code, make changes, and see what effect they had.

Now, I can try to imagine what my job would be like if I had to do things like psychopharmacologists did.

First off, no making changes to the code. The code is compiled and minified and obfuscated and still three billion lines long. Even if I did figure out how to make desirable changes, that would be "digital eugenics" and I'd get fired.

Second, commit history only goes like three or four commits back, if I'm lucky. Previous commits have been deleted, since they're set to auto-recycle after a while and nobody knows how to turn that off.

Thirdly, no dev tools. I only have the rendered webpage itself, and when something goes wrong I have to kind of guess at whether it's a styling issue or a data issue or a connectivity issue or what.

What can I do, exactly? Well, I actually do have access to one of the dev tools, kind of: the Network tab. I can see the requests being made to the back-end API. Unfortunately, there is no API documentation, and the requests are just as obfuscated as the code. But I've also got Postman, and what I can kind of do is make my own requests to the API, to see what the output is and how it affects the system.

So, uh... hm, okay, I see a request being made to https://serotonin.presynapticneurone.neural.net. The data payload is gibberish, but I notice that when there's a lot of these requests happening, the webpage renders a little faster, and when there's not as many, it slows down. Maybe if I just copy the gibberish data and fake a bunch of my own requests, it'll go faster? ...Hm, okay, that kind of works on some pages but not others. Still, better than nothing- we have some users complaining about the site being slow, so let's just tell them to-

Oh, shit, wait, users don't know how computers work, I can't just tell them to spam Postman requests to the API endpoint. Um, okay, I'll write a little phone app that automatically spams the requests, and release that to users. Except- oh, for fuck's sake, I need to wait for FDApple to approve it for the app store, and they want us to prove that it works and doesn't contain malware. Except even I don't know if that works, so... okay, it's fine, we'll hire a bunch of testers and do a study that shows that overall it speeds things up, and doesn't kill anyone's machines. Good thing I work for a huge company that can afford to do that.

Aaaaaand here come the results, and- oh, god damn it, the study didn't achieve significance. Let me go get Steve, he can probably fudge the numbers here so the damn app store will let us release the fucking thing, we spent millions on those tests (and the tests of all the other interventions that turned out to do nothing because we didn't have enough information and guessed wrong), and we need to recoup our investment.

Sigh.

So... I'm hearing that the ROI on drug discovery is dropping, and that drug companies have pretty much given up on trying to fix things and have started repackaging the handful of blind hacky API spam tricks that miraculously have a consistent effect. This isn't surprising to me. I would not be surprised if, like, after decades of people banging their heads against a massively overcomplicated system, hitting it with differently-shaped hammers in hopes of getting anything to work... they've found most of the differently-shaped hammers that do anything.

At some point, someone has to invent developer tools, right? Find some way to actually figure out what the hell they're doing?

The big question: given the blatant inadequacy of the existing paradigm, why is the industry still trying to wring blood out of this dried-out stone? At some point, we're going to have to actually figure out what the brain is doing, but it seems like cognitive neuroscience is still in its infancy. "We don't know how this thing works" seems like the big obstacle to getting anything done, but most of the effort in this area still seems to be focused on finding new drugs to throw at the thing-we-don't-know-how-it-works.

I know I’m not the first person to ask this question. I’m sure everyone who’s ever had to grapple with psychiatry in any detail is lamenting the same issue, and I’m sure there are people who are working very hard to try and solve the problem. It just... doesn’t seem like those people are getting very much done. The most I hear about is pop science articles claiming that Science Has Discovered The Part Of The Brain That Makes You Love Kittens, which inevitably turn out to be irresponsible reporting of extremely modest correlational findings.

(Maybe AI will help? Maybe the brain is just too complicated to be reduced to something humans can understand on an engineering/problem-solving level, and we need something with a higher understanding-capacity? Except... most of the recent advances in AI are with neural nets that explicitly don't actually understand anything, nor do the researchers growing them.)

Where are we at with this? Are we getting anywhere? Is there encouraging progress in the field of learning-things-about-the-brain? Is the second derivative of that curve non-zero? Metacognitive revolution when?

#i guess i continue to be impatient about science #long post

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thesportssoundoff · 5 years ago

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“It’s not that bad and YET” UFC Fight Night: Sacramento Preview

Joey

July 9

The show AFTER the big July PPV always tends to have some sort of bad vibes attached to it and I guess this one isn't any different. In 2016, injuries took us from Michael Chiesa vs Tony Ferguson to John Lineker vs Michael McDonald (two guys no longer in the org). In 2017, the UFC loaded up their July PPV slate and gave us Gunnar Nelson vs Santiago Ponzinibbio the week after an injury (and sinus infection) cursed card from Vegas. Last year, the UFC gave us Blagoy Ivanov vs JDS and Sage Northcutt vs Zak Ottow after Miocic vs DC. This year's card after Vegas is either good or bad depending almost solely on how you feel about the main event. Fights 2-13 are your usual garden variety Fight Night mix of intriguing and irrelevant but the main event, a clash between Germaine de Randamie and Aspen Ladd, will likely determine whether it's the worst thing ever or a totally acceptable main event. I can kind of see the two sides at play here. WMMA title fights are acceptable main and co-main events but convincing MMA's audience that there's quality outside of the title fights is often met with chuckles, snickers and some derisiveness. MMA fans work in doses and drips and so foistering this main event upon the audience even years after the rise of WMMA requires some understanding that there's a chunk of fans who won't see this as a quality headliner. Aspen Ladd to my knowledge has never been on a main card and GDR has had one fight in two years. On the other hand if one had the ability to view both fighters objectively, this is a pretty damn good fight. Headline worthy? I mean why not. It's a pseudo #1 contender fight with a former champion and a rising prospect. Seems totally acceptable to me. Either way we got thirteen fights to talk about so let's just get on with it.

Fights: 13

Debuts: Brianna Van Buren, John Allan, Wellington Turman

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 5 (John Phillips OUT, Wellington Turman IN vs Karl Roberson/Gian Villante OUT, John Allan IN vs Mike Rodriguez/Cynthia Calvillo OUT, Brianna Van Buren IN vs Livia Souza/Sara McMann OUT, Julianna Pena IN vs Nicco Montano/Martin Day OUT, Vince Morales IN vs Benito Lopez)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 8 (Urijah Faber, Josh Emmett, Beneil Dariush, Andre Fili, Julianna Pena, Nicco Montano, Darren Elkins, Cezar Mutante)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 1 (Darren Elkins)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 9 (Germaine De Randamie, Ricky Simon, Aspen Ladd, Beneil Dariush, Drakkar Klose, Mirsad Bektic, Livia Souza, Ryan Hall,Pingyuan Liu)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC): 24-11-2

Aspen Ladd- 3-0 Germaine de Randamie- 2-0 Urijah Faber- 0-0 Ricky Simon- 3-0 Josh Emmett- 3-2 Mirsad Bektic- 2-1 Beneil Dariush- 2-2-1 Drakkar Klose- 4-1 Karl Roberson- 2-2 Wellington Turman- 0-0 Cezar Ferreira- 2-2 Marvin Vettori- 1-1-1

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Featherweight- 3 (33) Bantamweight- 3 (36) Women’s Bantamweight- 2 (12) Middleweight- 2 (23) Women’s Strawweight- 1 (19) Light Heavyweight- 1 (28) Lightweight- 1 (43)

Welterweight- (38) Heavyweight- (18) Flyweight- (8) Women’s Flyweight- (18) Women’s Featherweight- (6)

2019 Number Tracker

Debuting Fighters (18-40)- Brianna Van Buren, John Allan, Wellington Turman

Short Notice Fighters (16-25)- Brianna Van Buren, John Allan, Wellington Turman, Julianna Pena, Vince Morales

Second Fight (38-15)- Nicco Montano

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (12-26)- Urijah Faber (I could/should put him in the debut category but Faber was never cut and so I figure he's better suited here?), Nicco Montano, Julianna Pena, Marvin Vettori, Mirsad Bektic

Undefeated Fighters (25-27)- Aspen Ladd

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (9-8)-

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (17-16)- Nicco Montano, Ryan Hall, Karl Roberson

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- It's only fair to start with what can only be described as an experiment of sorts by the UFC. We currently have on the calendar four WMMA main events and rumors of a 5th (I've heard some rumblings about Rose vs Nina Ansaroff in the late Fall) is out there. The UFC is clearly giving us more WMMA main events and taking some chances in the process. Part of this is clearly an ESPN design; you give them four shows a month more or less and you're less concerned about popping a number on a digital platform. The scheduling and the assembly line of "See UFC product, get UFC product" on ESPN+ allows you to be a bit more flexible. It's kinda cool that in a span of four weeks, we've gotten a massive HW fight, a big UFC PPV, this show with a credible WMMA main event and then a pretty solid San Antonio main event with RDA vs Leon Edwards. We get a little bit of everything and I'm glad Ladd vs GDR occupies a part of that. With less of an expectation to do a one off rating (Ladd vs GDR probably would've been the lowest rated show on FS1) then I hope we see more credible WMMA main events. In a vacuum, I'd rather see two top 5 fighters at strawweight headline an event than two big doughy guys at LHW or HW just because we're afraid the audience might not like it.

2- At the same time I have zero problems admitting GDR vs Aspen Ladd as a main event wasn't making me want to rush out and buy a ticket if it was in my town. The more I think about it though. the more intrigued I am about it. Maybe it's just the "it's coming to get excited!" aspect of an approaching card or what but I'm genuinely excited by this main event. Maybe it's because GDR could either be Amanda Nunes' next opponent or the ultimate 'Whatever happened to?" story. Germaine de Randamie's title shot was somewhat circumstantial at best but be it by hook or by crook, she DID win the UFC's first ever featherweight title. After pulling out of fights on and off for three straight years (and with wins over Anna Elmose and Larissa Pacheco of all people), Germaine was ushered into a fight with Holly Holm in a makeshift main event. She won the first three rounds in my estimation, lost the final two and in a fair and just world, probably loses the fight with points deducted for repeated shots after the bell in rounds 1 and 2. We don't live in an alternate universe, we live in a current reality and SO de Randamie beat Holm on points to become champ. What happened then? Well....de Randamie copped to a hand injury after the fact, hinting she wouldn't fight Cyborg. She came out a bit later and said she wouldn't fight Cyborg because Cyborg was a PED user. She was stripped of the belt, hinted at retiring, came back, got hurt, hinted at retirement some more and then finally returned in a one sided breeze vs Rocky Pennington. The point of all that is to say that GDR is either about to break out into the best version of herself with a dominant win over Aspen Ladd or she's going to just disappear for two years after this fight.

3- Is Aspen Ladd more or less rushed than when Sara McMann got a title shot off of beating Shayna Baszler and Sheila Gaff? Ladd's got some credible wins but she's still super green and like a lot of green WMMA prospects, she pretty much gets by on her ability to be aggressive and dogged in firefights. Offensively though she's so much fun to watch. This fight in tight with GDR's crisp powerful boxing vs Ladd's aggression, pressure and fearlessness could be a real treat. Also let's not forget that Ladd absolutely has the strength to just bowl over GDR the way Nunes did as well.

4- Fun question; would you prefer the winner of this fight vs Amanda Nunes at bantamweight or up 10 lbs at featherweight?

5- The total lack of hype from the UFC on the return of Urijah Faber almost makes it feel like they're embarrassed he's even trying this.

6- Karl Roberson's UFC run thus far has been pretty easy to figure out. He's had four fights and gone 2-2 with an easy enough pattern; guy gets him down? He gets subbed. Guy doesn't? He wins. He subbed Darren Stewart which is still a pretty impressive win in hindsight and beat up on Jack Marshman in November. He took a really short notice fight vs Glover Teixeira in January and was beating the shit out of him before Glover did as he do; got on top and subbed him out in the first round. Roberson gets the debuting Wellington Turman and it's going to be an interesting test to see if he can avoid getting taken down against a guy making his debut on short notice. I still think Roberson has high upside and is more or less a victim of some unfair rough matchmaking.

7- Julianna Pena is back after taking a year and change off and it's surprising just how little fanfare her return is getting. Pena's last fight was on Fox in the headline spot vs Valentina Shevchenko in a fight she lost by armbar in the second round. Before that though, she had beaten the likes of Jessica Eye and Cat Zingano and looked to be on her way to maybe becoming something in the post Rousey landscape. The fact she's sort of just slipped into the picture as a late notice replacement for a filler prelim fight is so weird. Pena is just 29 and even if her striking was really rough to watch, she's the sort of fighter who has enough in her arsenal as a strong (yet clunky) wrestler that I can't rule her out in what remains at 135 lbs. We've seen the likes of Rocky Pennington get title shots and Nunes is close to cleaning out the division so maybe Pena (or even her opponent Nicco Montano) has a shot at creeping back up in the title picture quickly.

8- Casual reminder that Nicco Montano was the first ever UFC women's flyweight champ. Kinda gets forgotten given how things played out with her.

9- So are we officially off the Mirsad Bektic hype train now?

10- Ryan Hall vs Darren Elkins is such a weirdo fight on paper that I can't help but want to see how it plays out. At the very least we know (hope) Elkins won't take any significant damage via strikes.

11- Sheymon Moraes vs Andre Fili is a really good fight that almost feels misplaced as a prelim fodder fight but will be worth your time if you search it out. A damn good fight between two solid mid level FWs.

12- Does any card better encapsulate the collapse of TAM like this one does?

#MMA #UFC #GDR #Aspen Ladd

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yoongsisbae · 3 years ago

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Handshakes of a Lifetime - Chapter 9

You snag exclusive fan meet tickets, but as you shake hands with your favorite idols, something strange happens…

Soulmate AU / OT7 x reader

Word count: 11.6k

---

Another Facebook alert from your ex pulls down from the top of your screen.

‘Let’s talk?’

The van door opens at that moment, and the members look at your wide eyes full of fear.

--- ---

“Are you sure?”

The question rattles you and brings you back into the present, sitting in a cushioned office chair, in front of a dark oak table, papers stacked in neat piles.

You were lost in your thoughts again, remembering a kind eye smile and a firm grip around your waist. A deep voice in the darkness asking you if you were ready.

Had you been ready then? Are you ready now? Are you sure of anything? You have to answer those questions, you have to find your voice. Answer now, y/n!

“Do you have any reason to believe he will try to start a rumor, go to the media, or do anything to try to hurt you, BTS, or the BTS brand?” The PR woman looks up from her tablet expectantly.

Namjoon places his fingers over your fidgety ones, thumb running along your knuckles. “Everything will be fine, the company handles things like this all the time.”

Namjoon takes a deep breath, ready to recite the information the group all agreed on...

--- ---

As buildings blurred past, you felt like running, you imagined yourself running, escaping, falling through sand, falling through water, always running…

But you were stuck, in a car, amongst the souls you ran with. You didn’t want to run away from them. You couldn’t, even if your toes and fingers felt jittery with fear and anxiousness.

“Hey,” he whispers, “Look at me.” You lift your head away from the window to look Jimin in the eyes. “It will be okay, y/n.”

Seokjin turns around in his seat to look at you, repeating Jimin’s soothing words. “It’s going to be okay, our company is great at stopping rumors.”

‘It’s not a rumor though, is it?’ you think, looking into Jin’s loving eyes and feeling the weight of his ring around your finger. If you aren’t careful you could ruin everything. You were afraid of this. The universe is telling you to stay away from them.

---

That night you slept next to Jungkook.

He looked more worried than you when you said goodbye to the group. His worries were of losing you instead, hyper aware of when you begin to close off, so he pleaded with you to let him drive you home and stay at the dorms for another night.

His comforting presence helped calm your nerves. And when you woke, you were in a bed of hay. It’s a dream, you know it’s a dream, even as you sit up and run your hands across the strands of dead grass and you feel the hay scratch your palms. You feel Jungkook close to you, and a soft voice quietly begs you not to let him go this time. And another voice, more stern and apathetic, tells you not to let your ex walk over you, if it was her, and someone was threatening the person she loved, she would have killed him.

You let go of the hay, rest your head on your knees, your hands bracing your head, letting the warmth of the day soak into your skin to feel comforted. ‘Go away, stop.’

But you know they won’t go away. Because those voices, no matter how different, all sound the same...

Because they’re all you.

When you finally open your eyes again, the hay, the orange sunlight catching dust flecks all around you and the warm air is all gone. You lie under soft bed sheets, in the coolness of Jungkook’s room, the dark blue shadows of the night loom across his pale walls, but his warmth always stayed. And when you turn to look at his sleeping face you can’t help but smile, a part within you finally content.

You’re happy for her, that part of you that looks at the man next to you and melts. If only it was as simple as this, but your mind drifts to the others, a couple footsteps away, and you’re restless all over again.

You kiss him, his lips move against yours in his slumber and he grunts softly, relaxing again.

You let Jungkook sleep.

You tiptoe to the kitchen looking for a drink and a distraction, notice lights still on and follow it’s source, pulled to the person behind the door. Three soft knocks and you wait, wondering if the man inside fell asleep with the lights on, until you hear a shuffle, and the door opens.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t act surprised even though he hadn’t expected to see you in front of him like this. He rubs the tiredness from his eyes and steps to the side, letting you enter.

“Still worried?” he asks.

“No...yes, but what can I do?” Your nerves were fried, you felt selfish seeking their comfort when you knew your presence in their lives was akin to a ticking time bomb, but being away just a day or so without their company felt like a purgatory. Maybe this was for the best, this was right. The way you’ve been acting, someone was bound to get hurt. It was better that it was you.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been ignoring you.”

Yoongi smiles halfheartedly, “Everyone is fighting for your attention,” he grunts.

“I don’t want anyone to fight for me. I can’t...bear to hurt anyone.”

Yoongi pulls you into a hug. When you sigh softly into his chest he holds your tighter, holding his thoughts in. He could feel your anxiety at the whole situation. He curses the thoughts in his head, learning you had an ex, he had felt jealous. Now you and him alone together, it is the first time he’s felt completely relaxed in a long time. He lies back on his bed dragging your body down next to him.

“I don’t know what to do, Yoongi. I feel like I have so many voices yelling at me from inside, arguing on what I should do,” you confess.

“Don’t drive yourself crazy thinking about it. Maybe it’s just enough that we are in each other's lives.”

“Yeah,” you try to sound reassured. You nod at the idol.

He offers you a smile, it doesn’t reach his eyes.

---

You woke up again startled, knocking into Yoongi, your limbs tangled together in your sleep. What were you dreaming about? You can’t remember, loud bangs in your consciousness woke you up. It’s morning, but Yoongi’s room is dark.

His curtains remained drawn blocking out sunlight. You can still make out the rapper’s soft features, the slope of his nose and pout of his mouth, you pull your head away from his shoulder, worried you’re putting too much pressure on him and his arms instinctively pull you closer.

You sigh, inhaling his scent. You wanted to stay in bed with him, you didn’t want to face the world. Here, you were each other’s world, the center of your universe held a heartbeat, steadily thrumping against your cheek.

You listened and smiled. It began to scare you, how much you knew you cared for him, this kind of love felt bigger than you, and as frightening as the depths of space. You imagined you could create a planet from the magnitude of love you felt for him. Like rings of Venus, Yoongi’s arms felt secure around your back.

Yoongi held you together, despite his own worries. His lips connected to the top of your forehead, you kissed his shirt, hearing his heart beat louder.

You tilt your head back to see him fully. “What do you think about when you look at me? Do you see her?”

Yoongi thinks about it. You deserve the truth, not false words of comfort. His arms stay securely around you.

“I see her in you. There are things you do, err the way you move sometimes.” He hesitates. “It brings up familiar memories. I’m not going to say those feelings don’t influence me now, because they do….remembering us together. But also, you’re not that similar to her at all, and I like this version of you more. You’re not as cold or distant.” He smiles. “When we first met, you could have slammed the door in my face,” he says, “‘She’ probably would have…I…like you.”

You smile at his words, and he squeezes you closer. “I can’t help but think, this happened to give us another chance as better people. What about you? Do you only see me as that man? Because I’m definitely not a trained killer,” he jokes.

You offer him a weak smile, shaking your head, hugging him closer. “But you are less intimidating when I think of you as a trained killer,” you say, half joking, half serious.

“What I feel for you – even before shaking hands – I wanted to protect you, keep you safe. I can’t explain it. And now…” He traces your jaw. “I want to bury your ex for making you cry. Metaphorically!” He quickly adds. “We’ll make him stop bothering you, I promise,” speaking softly, Yoongi brings your hand to his lips, kisses along your knuckles.

“This is not how I expected you to be at all,” you smile, thinking about the awkward encounter in the bathroom. You’re cute,” you sigh, laughing. Yoongi freezes, you laugh more. “Can I ask you something about our past lives?”

“Hmm?”

“What were you thinking during that last fight?” You hadn’t really spoken about your past lives like this, afraid to broach the subject with the others, but you felt safe exploring all your unanswered questions with Yoongi. Perhaps because you had so many in regards to your past life with him, perhaps the woman you were when you were with him needed answers the most. “Why didn’t he ever contact m-her after?”

“I think I was just scared...of being the reason you’d get hurt.”

Familiar annoyance bubbles up inside you, a voice in your head, strong and commanding, reminds you he hurt you by pushing you away, tells you not to let him do it again.

“And you?”

You’re reminded of your own stubbornness. “You were good at hiding.”

“You could have found me if you really tried. Could have pulled some strings.” He said it playfully, but you could tell the deep hurt in his voice.

“I-she felt rejected. She felt hurt. It was easier to push everything and everyone away, then get hurt again. She regrets it, so much.” You looked into his eyes pleadingly, hoping to ease the conflict etched across his features.

“I guess we can learn from our past...even if it really isn’t ours technically.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” and you feel your own internal struggle lessen just a bit. “Yoongi...how are you doing with all of this? I know I am not making things easy... It’s just overwhelming.”

He had nightmares, sometimes phantom pains, every moment you weren't in his sight he remembered the pain in your eyes. “I’m not the easiest person to be around myself,” he laughs.

“I think you are.” To you, Yoongi is comforting…

Intense…

Quiet…

Soft…

Your noses bumped into each other, you were so close to him now.

Yoongi pulls away first. “I have to go back to work soon,” Yoongi says, checking the time.

“It’s so early,” you sigh.

“Don’t remind me” he offers you a small smile. “Did you want to come?” You nod, you didn’t want to leave Yoongi just yet, and you knew being alone, your thoughts would run wild again.

---

The inside of Genius Labs was simplistic and clean, the room held Yoongi’s studio equipment and a couch. Tokens of the rapper's life displayed on his shelves. You brought work to do as well, but ended up falling asleep, the repetitive sounds of Yoongi playing beats lulling you to sleep.

Even in your anxious state, it felt like you were hiding away with the rapper, safe from the world.

“Hey,” you felt his hands on your shoulder.

Yawning, you stretch your limbs. “Hey.”

“The guys won’t stop calling. Namjoon and Taehyung are here.”

“Oh, okay.” The internal war started in again, the feelings swirling around in your chest, making it tight and uncomfortable.

“Ready to go? I still have some other things to do, but message me when you get home so I know you’re safe.” You nod, a little disheartened. Yoongi still held himself back, trying to tell himself over and over being around you like this was enough. That it was enough not to kiss you or explore your body. He didn't have to be with you in that way to connect with you. He can keep his feelings to himself and let you go.

--- ---

Right now, you wish you had Yoongi here to calm you down.

You thought you had more time to figure out some semblance of order in the chaotic maelstrom surging in your heart, compartmentalize and evaluate your feelings, yet now you have to explain your complicated relationship to a stranger.

“There was an incident at a fanmeet,” Namjoon tells the PR woman. You look up at Namjoon with wide disbelieving eyes. “Other fans might recognize her if things go public.”

“She was working-”

“No, she was a, uh, fan at the time.” You feel yourself on the brink of hyperventilating.

There is a painfully awkward silence as the PR woman very professionally does not react to the new information. “Okay, well let’s start from the top again.”

--- ---

“Why do you think this happened?”

Taehyung had free time and decided to monopolize your attention. He turns on his side, looking at you, your body squished between the singer and couch cushions. You let Taehyung cuddle against you while you tried not to dwell on your troubles and just enjoy Taehyung’s company.

“Your ex?”

“No...everything,” you say as his hand follows yours, fingers connecting and mirroring yours, “This, us?”

“I guess...sixty years wasn’t enough time to fit all my love for you.”

“Tae…”

He smiles and kisses your forehead. His eyes follow yours, sparkling with happiness, while yours fill with unshed tears.

Taehyung takes the opportunity to kiss your forehead again, and again, singing softly, a sweet song yet to be released, “Just take a walk with me cause I'm right here, and the light will guide us to a million stars. My love just hold my hand and in the end is you and I,” until you’re pulling him in, your tears smudging across his cheeks.

“I hope those are happy tears,” Taehyung moves away to wipe the remaining tears that brim the corners of your eyes.

You nod quickly, holding back the rest. You wanted to give Taehyung more, but you felt selfish, insecure, and afraid again. You wished you could be that courageous maiden who ran to him without any apprehension.

“Don’t cry, everything will work itself out. We’re not running this time.”

“How did you kn-” you shake your head, shake away your thoughts, the feeling that Taehyung and you were two old souls, so connected you could tell what the other one was thinking. It was hard to believe, the man you were staring at had lived an entire life with you. Even as he smiled back at you, watching you struggle and letting you sort through our thoughts, you couldn’t believe the love he’s giving you is truly meant for you. “Is that how it is for you? This is just a...continuation of your past life. That we are-”

“Is it different for you?”

You think about all the different lives you lived, every single time you fell in love. Namjoon, Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok.

Namjoon, and all those different lives where you encountered him. You had loved him in the beginning, why did it change? Had this strange thing not happened, would you have lived your own lives once again, your souls passing one another and not really ever connecting again? Or was this your fate? Was Namjoon your soulmate? Or was Taehyung?

“I don’t know. If it is, if I am supposed to just pick up where we left off, then I am betraying the others in a way…and now I feel like I’m betraying you,” you laugh softly out of frustration, unable to pinpoint the emotions you’re feeling.

Taehyung stays silent, lost in thought.

“Sometimes I even wonder, maybe this happened to show us we should stay away from each other. Before, you stopped singing because of me, didn’t you?” You run your thumb across Taehyung’s eyebrow, pushing the hair away from his eyes. “You’re an idol now, Taehyung, can’t you see the similarities?”

“I see it differently. This time, we can have it all.”

“Or what if we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes,” you mutter.

“You sound like Hobi.”

You blink, “What do you mean?”

“You should go talk to him.”

You make a mental note to find Hoseok after this. “How do you feel about me?” you ask, unable to meet his eyes. “I know how you felt about her...but what about me?”

He gives you a small smile, eyes sparkling with warmth. “You think my feelings are not as valid, because it started before…I did wake up early to talk to you every night for months, remember?”

“I remember...”

“I love you. That’s how I feel. I’m angry because someone is trying to hurt you. I’m sad that you blame yourself when it’s not your fault. I’m just happy to finally be able to hold you.” He pulls you into a tight embrace, playfully pulling you over him. “And I’m very happy that you came back.”

Your body falls over to his other side, laughing. “I’m happy too. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay away.” You adjust yourself on the small couch, pulling your body over his slightly. He wraps his limbs around you, enjoying the way you fit to the length of his body.

“Please, stay with me, y/n.” He asks lightheartedly, even if he meant it with all his being, “Can I kiss you?”

You answer him by moving your head closer, kissing his cheek softly. He kisses you before you pull away.

That moment when your lips connect, and the amount of love that flows out of you should feel overwhelming, but it feels like a warm blanket wrapped around your bodies. Taehyung breaks away to catch his breath, stolen in his wonderment of how powerful his feelings are for you. He doesn’t mind waiting until you’re ready for more, as long as there are moments like these that take his breath away.

---

Once you had free time you went to find Hoseok. You found him in the studio, listening through new tracks.

“Delivery,” you announce quietly. You brought him a late lunch.

“Y/n!” His eyes go wide, surprised to see you.

“Can we talk?” You hold up the food as a peace offering. Hoseok has been the most distant around you. It bothered you, but you understood. In your past life with Hoseok, you had grown up together, known every single thing about each other, but in this life all you knew was the persona he created and small glimpses of himself he allowed fans to see, and he knew practically nothing about you.

Hoseok nods and jumps up and cleans off the small table in the room, helping you open the containers of food. He knew this day would come, had spent nights mentally preparing himself to be around you, but now that you were here, his emotions were so strong he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I’m sorry!” he blurts out.

“Eh?” You stop opening food containers, confusion apparent on your features. “For what?” You lick sauce from your thumb. Hoseok studies you, and he can’t stop the attraction he feels for you blooming, his insides fluttering and dancing and he swallows down the word before it jumps off of his tongue. ‘Beautiful,’ you’re beautiful.

Hoseok clears his throat, he has to tell you. “I’m sorry for, well, getting you killed.”

“That didn’t actually happen to us,” you hand him chopsticks.

“I’m sorry for not actually killing you.”

“Well, it wasn’t your fault, for not actually killing me.” You tease, sitting on the floor and turn to face him, resting your elbow on the couch cushion behind you. “Is that what you really think?” You almost want to laugh at the ridiculousness of him feeling like what happened was in any way his fault, but you see his crestfallen expression and you put your hand on his shoulders. He rubs his face, unable to meet your eyes. You were too busy blaming yourself, you didn’t notice the guilt Hoseok felt too. “I have it on good authority that no one blames you for what happened, in fact living without you would have been worse.”

When did your hand move from his shoulder to his face? You pull away immediately, mentally chastising yourself for your inability to keep your hands to yourself.

“Is that why you ignore me? Do you think if you’re around me, something bad will happen to us?” Bad things are happening, but it’s your fault, you think, not his!

“I dont know, I just can’t stop thinking about it-” Hoseok tries not to cry, tightening his fists before he grabs you back. “You died trying to save me, you died because of me.”

You shake your head, you hadn’t realized it bothered him so much, you wish you could make him see what you had felt in those last moments. “You know I thought about all the things that went wrong for that to happen to us, never did I think you did anything wrong, Hoseok.”

“But-”

“If I hadn’t left to get us lunch-”

“I made you-”

You scoff, “You didn’t make me do anything, I wanted tacos.”

“That place was our favorite…” he remembers.

You laugh, trying to separate yourself from those memories. “What do you think about tacos now?”

“They’re okay,” he smiles.

“I love tacos. No tacos like that in Seoul.” You sigh and Hoseok is already thinking about ways to find you some.

“Hey, you know who we should really blame? HR. How many times did we complain about that elevator? That building definitely wasn’t up to code.” You cross your arms, feeling anger at what happened. ‘Separate yourself from her,’ you have to remind yourself again.

Hoseok runs his hands through his hair, sighing, your expression makes him want to laugh, makes him feel better, but he still feels responsible.

“Do you want to know the last thing I remember about that? It was scary, but…” You thought about those last moments, you began to feel tightness in your throat when you remembered choking on fumes, but the secureness of his arms around you is what you remembered most, “I-She was never going to leave you. No, I was happy we were together until the very end. I-S-She loved you.” You smile.

He stares at you and itches to say ‘I love you,’ too.

The sudden tension, you felt it, now too scared to keep on talking about your past selves. “If you don’t feel comfortable being around me after everything we went through, I understand, believe me-” you swallow, understanding how hard it must be for him to look at you and remember all those horrible things, even if it was good memories you thought about when looking at Hoseok. “I understand, but we are not going to suddenly burst into flames if you get near me, Hoseok. I promise.”

He holds out his pinky, you laugh, but link your pinky with his. Hoseok slowly turns your wrist so your knuckles face him, and leans his head on your hand. You copy him, your bodies gravitating closer. “You also, don’t have to stay, if you want to go be with the others, I understand.”

“I’m exactly where I want to be.” You let his hand go, clearing your throat. “And I am hungry too. Do you want me to leave?”

“No!”

“Good,” you smile, nudging his shoulder, trying not to feel awkward in his presence, “Then eat.”

Hoseok nods, “I’ll mix this for you.” he stirs the take out noodles and sauce for you. “Y/n?”

“Yeah?” You hum as you open the rest of the containers, body knocking into his accidentally, whispering your apologies you sit back waiting for his question.

Hoseok smiles, and decides that he’s going to learn everything about you. He asks you about your family, and you ask him about his life before he was a trainee. And so you sit and talk about your childhoods, and every time he makes you laugh Hoseok feels his heart soar higher. When you talk to him about how lonely you feel away from your friends and family, Hoseok makes a promise to himself, from now on he will make you smile when you feel like crying, at least he can be that person for you.

Talking to Hoseok was easy, it wasn’t just because of your otherworldly connection to him, the idol was silly and kind and once he let you in, he treated you like an old friend. Even as he went back to work, he shared his ideas with you and joked with you, and it didn’t feel awkward anymore.

Deep down, in your hearts, things began to change, happiness reached and mended old wounds. Another studio, another life, different laughter, different people, but it was a reflection of something that couldn’t be seen, friendship and love, and the strong bonds that formed and always remained.

---

“Jin! Sorry, Seokjin, here’s translations to study, uhh, sir?” You hand the singer sheets of notes, while staff fix his clothes and makeup.

Jin laughs. “Yes Ma’am.” ‘Ew.’ You frown. “You know you can call me Jin, or Jinnie, or love of my life.”

You feel the heat rise in your face, the stylists don’t bat an eyelash at his banter, “ Let me know if you need anything else, Jin.”

Jungkook, hair and makeup already done, bounds towards you, “Can we talk about these…translations?”

“Yea-”

“Okay! Let’s go!” Jungkook grabs your hand, and you glance towards Jin, trying to decipher the change in his expression, but you’re pulled away too quickly by the youngest member.

“For some reason, I don’t think you need my help.”

“I do need help,” Jungkook turns around to face you, now that you were both alone, “You’re the only one who can help me,” he says, hugging you from behind, holding out the paper in front of you, “How do you say that?” The door bursts open and somehow you don’t scream, so surprised you momentarily forget how to speak.

Jimin crosses his arms, “I want help too.”

“Are we having a secret meeting?” Jin peeks inside.

You clutch your racing heart, while Jimin and Jungkook bicker amongst themselves, Jimin pulling on the arm that Jungkook still has wrapped around your waist. Jin starts to pull the younger singers apart.

“What’s this?” Namjoon pulls the door open wider, placing his free hand on Jin’s shoulder, and you find your voice again, screaming along with the other four men, shocked, feeling an electric current run between the five of you, images of your lives together run through you in quick succession. Your heart races even faster, your entire body feeling jittery from energy.

Jungkook looks like a deer in headlights, quietly thinking over the visions he experienced. ‘That wasn’t real,’ he thinks, there is no way Namjoon was there too, It can’t be.

But it felt so real, just like the first time he held your hand, the memories weren’t like regular memories. It felt like he had been transported back there, speaking to his friend, asking him to help with his escape plan. Thinking about it, of course that’s how the plan went, the memories fell perfectly into the story of his old life, why hadn’t he noticed before it was Namjoon? The one who risked his own life to give Jungkook the life he always wanted.

Jimin looks over to his leader, unable to put into words what he’s feeling. He relived the day he went into the bookshop. The way the owner regarded him, at first with contempt, and then, friendlier, when he asked for help choosing a book for his wife. The way he spoke about you, his old friend, with such doting softness. The wistfulness in Namjoon's eyes when he ran his fingers across the book spine, and the confidence in which he remarked how you will love this copy. Namjoon was the book store owner, Jimin met him so many times, why hadn't he seen, why hadn't he realized, Namjoon had in his own way, loved you too?

Jin breathed in quickly, processing everything he felt. He knew the first time wasn’t a fluke, he knew he had seen Namjoon in his previous life before as his old childhood friend. His friend, who he told all about the beautiful woman he met on the pier. Who laughed and congratulated him when he said he was going to marry her one day. Namjoon, who looked at you and Jin with such fondness, “Two Lovebirds,” he called you, “A lucky man,” he called him.

“You knew?” Jin asks his best friend.

“That was different. I didn’t know...that was going to happen,” Namjoon says, bracing the door frame for support at the flood of memories filtering through him, the only thing he can seem to think about in this moment, looking to the oldest and then over to you.

“Wait, what does this mean?” Jungkook asks, confused.

“I don’t know-”

“Y/n!” The youngest catches you before you hit your head on the ground.

Sand stirred around your feet. You looked up at the starry sky. So many beautiful constellations, visible across the darkness. The cold desert wind whips around your cloak. You expect to see Namjoon, your faithful guard.

You hadn’t expected to see another image of you, eyes silently pleading with you. You already knew what she wanted from you. Another version of you stands equal distance apart, looking at you too, silently, eyes shining in the moonlight. One with torn shoes, one with wet clothes, one with bell bottoms, one with a hard stare, one with a gold ring, one in beautiful robes and flowers in her hair, and you, your clothes changed to the ones you wore last. You look to the moon, shining brighter than all the stars, and realize you’re alone.

“Ow!” a deep voice grunts.

You yell and then wince, rubbing your forehead, falling back into bed.

“Sorry,” Joon massages the spot where your heads impacted. “Are you okay?”

“Where am I?”

“Our medical room.” He places his hand on your forehead, covering the bruise forming. “How are you feeling?”

“Would you believe me if I say I think I'm getting used to this?” you hold your palm out. Namjoon hesitates, but puts his hand in yours. Nothing happens, you don’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. “Where are the others?”

“Working, keeping busy. I’ll let them know you’re okay now,” he squeezes your hand.

You nod, “Ugh I need some air.”

“Then let’s go.”

The stars in Seoul were hidden behind a thick layer of fog, building lights eclipsing the twinkling sky, but the breeze felt nice against your face, and Namjoon’s hand in your hand felt warm and right. You looked down at the city lights. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Spots like this are hard to find, but worth it,” he whispers.

“Ready?” you ask.

“A couple more minutes.” You nod and lean into him for warmth. Namjoon wants to be here with you just a bit longer.

---

“Joon?”

“Hmm?”

“H-He’s calling.”

“Don’t answer it.” Jimin says, “Ignore him.”

“We should find out what he wants, shouldn’t we?” Yoongi says.

Joon moves to your side, “Do you want to talk to him?”

“I-” you look down at the phone again, maybe you can convince your ex to leave you alone, maybe he just wants closure, you think.

You accept the call and put it on speaker. “Hello?”

“Y/n?”

“Yes, h-hey.”

The phone crackles from his drawn out breath, and everyone stays silent. “Well you finally answered me.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“At your ‘new job,’ right? What are you doing, y/n?” he asks accusingly.

Good question, one you can’t answer, because nobody in their right mind would believe you. “What do you mean? I’m sorry for how things ended, but I don’t understand why you’re calling me now-”

“I’m not stupid, do you think I didn’t notice how you acted after you met them? You changed, as soon as you met them, everything changed.” He mutters, thinking about your sudden shift in affection. “Are you an actual stalker?”

You don’t look up from your phone, afraid to see the expressions on the men’s faces. Your ex is mad, he wants to hurt you, you get it. You stay silent, worried about saying something he could use against you.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. But what ever you think you know, you’ve got it all wrong-”

“So you didn’t leave me to go follow them around like some obsessed fangirl?”

“I told you, I was offered a job-” you say defensively.

“You sound ridiculous. What job?"

“It’s the truth. Why can’t you be happy for me instead?”

"You still haven’t explained it to me! One of our friends showed this to me, I had to pretend like I knew all about it, why are you in that video?!”

You don't know what to say, wondering if you should just make up a lie instead.

“I don’t get it!” His yells fill the quiet dorm. “You’re telling me, a k-pop group, no, BTS offered you a job, just like that? Randomly? You’re lying! I just want to know the truth, I deserve the truth.”

You flinch at his words. You glance at Namjoon who looks livid, and unfortunately, he looked the calmest out of everyone. You take a deep breath to steady your voice. “I was offered a job in Korea and I guess I just so happened to be there when they were there, that's why I'm in the video-”

“Nah, I don't believe that. That night, when you stopped by my house. Why were you acting like that? Did one of the members do something to you...did they hurt you?”

“No!” You grab the phone closer to you when Jungkook stands up enraged. Hoseok clamps his hand over Jimin’s mouth.

“Then what the hell, y/n?”

“It just w-wasn’t working out! I don’t know what to tell you! I’m sorry!”

Maybe it was your inability to sooth his bruised ego, and the fact that he knows you are hiding something, but he doesn’t let it go. “You’re lying and I’m going to expose you.”

“Tell him goodbye,” Namjoon quietly tells you.

“Who was that?”

“I have to go. Please leave me alone.”

--- ---

That conversation is why you’re here now, exactly where you don't want to be, sitting in front of the head of PR.

“Sign here and here, and if he contacts you again, this is my card, call me immediately.”

“Thank you,” you whisper as you clutch her business card.

“I suggest setting all your SM accounts to private, maybe consider deleting them as well. We can do that for you, if you want.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The PR woman pulls you away from Namjoon and his managers. “Do you agree with everything we discussed?” She asks in English. She looks at you concerned, you couldn’t blame her, you probably looked as sick as you felt. You nod.

“The things we do for love, right?” she sighs.

On paper you and Namjoon have been in a relationship for months, you signed off on countless of statements, the only thing more official would have been signing a marriage certificate.

The group had agreed it was less complicated to say you were dating the leader.

Your entire life is complicated now.

--- ---

“They will work to remove any evidence off the internet. No one will connect you to the fanmeet.”

You spent the afternoon signing newly drafted NDAs, at this point not even phased at the idea of signing your life away.

“Should I even be working here?”

“Yes, trust me,” Namjoon says softly. He wanted you near him, by his side. He knew he was asking for a lot, but he needed you, at least until he knew for certain you weren’t going to leave again, you weren’t going to disappear back into his dreams.

Namjoon was equally drained, instead of working on his latest project, he had to explain to the PR team about your odd relationship and figure out a way to leave out all the odd parts.

He called your otherworldly encounter as ‘a connection he couldn’t explain but wanted to explore further,’ his attempt to navigate why he decided to give an ordinary fan a job working so close to him. It was so out of character for him but he was insistent. To you it sounded like he was trying to professionally explain the dynamics of, ‘love at first sight.’

Ironically, your indecisiveness before laid the groundwork for Namjoon as he lied about the timeline of your made up love story. Luckily his managers trusted his judgment and confirmed his story as he had already convinced them to get you the job in the first place. And the poor PR woman, whom you could tell was equally confused by the new developments and your distressed attitude, had no choice but to accept it, and figure out an action plan.

You were officially dating RM, the leader of BTS.

Well, on paper, and only to high clearance level staff members.

---

Yeah, you’re dating Namjoon, but you’re not really dating, however in the grand scheme of things, a fake relationship to cover up an entire lifetime of being together somehow works, a noumenal romance now made legitimate.

What the hell did you think was going to happen, live happily ever after? This isn’t very fairytale. Things weren't exactly easy, or even happy right now.

What the hell were you doing? Your ex’s words rang in your ears. You thought about your future. Is this how it’s going to be? You hadn’t really thought beyond meeting them again.

You walk to your next engagement silently, staying professional even if you longed to hold Namjoon’s hand. The men’s words were comforting, but your own insecurities were screaming over everything else. The dreams hadn’t stopped. You felt your past selves calling out to be with them now that you were closer, everything felt just out of reach.

You felt exhausted, up all night worrying, you do not know what the company offered or threatened your ex with, but he hadn’t messaged you since.

But all that worry melted away the minute you opened the door, the room inside bustling with activity, hearing laughter amongst the group.

Jungkook bounds over to you, hugging you close. You stiffen, “What are you doing?” You look over to the few other staff inside.

“It’s okay, no cameras allowed right now,” he whispers.

“Oh o-okay,” you stutter.

You greet the group, embracing a happy Taehyung. Taehyung holds you, asking, “How are you?”

“Oh you know, working on five hours of sleep, gotta get used to my new sleep schedule,” you grunt.

“Five whole consecutive hours? Just wait until Tour starts again,” Jin hugs you, patting your head cutely. Yoongi is too shy to show his affections, and gives you a brief shoulder squeeze while you’re pulling away from Jin.

You thought Jimin was going to continue giving you the cold shoulder in front of others, but he envelopes you in a warm hug, arms running up and down your back. “I missed you,” he whispers, barely audible for you to hear. Hoseok is the only one who stays away. You didn’t want to leave him out, but you also were worried he still wanted space. You moved to him suddenly, before the latter really hit you, and gave him a quick hug, which he returned happily.

---

“Well, today was a long day.” You stand and stretch your legs.

“Staying here tonight?” Taehyung asks, and the rest of the group look at you expectantly.

“I think I should probably sleep in my own bed at least once this week,” you laugh.

“I’ll walk you to your door,” Namjoon leads you away.

“Hey, just because you’re pretend-dating doesn’t mean you get her all the time now,” Taehyung yells after him, “Just joking, y/n!” he adds when you look back to him, worried.

“Good night.” Stopped at your front door, Namjoon holds your hand in his, peering down at you, a familiar longing expression on his face. He doesn’t want to leave you.

You can’t help but smile. “Come on, I don’t want to sleep alone.” You open the door and pull him inside with you.

---

“It’s been an hour, he’s staying there with her.” Jungkook whines.

“She can do what she wants. I’m happy for them.” Yoongi says.

Jimin scoffs, “I don’t believe you mean that for a second.”

“So is no one going to even discuss my idea?” Taehung yells.

“Shut up Tae,” Jimin mutters.

“Why! We’re all miserable here, when we could all just fix this-”

“Shouldn’t this be something we discuss with her?” Jin asks.

“Wait, so you would be okay with-”

“I d-didn’t say that!” Jin splutters.

“They’re probably doing it.”

“Taehyung, shut the hell up!”

“What! They did it the first night she was here, Jungkook saw.”

The color drains from Jimin’s face. “They did what?”

“I saw it too,” Jin confesses.

“I am not giving up, I love her.” Jungkook says. “We, me and her, we-”

“I knew it!” Tae says, annoyed.

What?!” Jimin yells.

“Wait! Everyone, be quiet! What are you talking about, Tae?” Hoseok asks.

---

Namjoon felt safe, and warm, and solid. You couldn’t help but feel closer with him, going through so much together already. After everything, you just needed him, for reassurance, to silence your inner thoughts, for love. You kiss his bare chest, lying your head down again.

“We should get some sleep.”

You agree, kissing his shoulder, parting your mouth, letting your tongue roll over his skin.

Namjoon smirks, leaning his head back. You take the opportunity to kiss his neck, licking underneath his jawline. “If you’re tired…?” You move over him again, pulling away sweaty sheets, your bare skin heated from Namjoon and his caresses.

He lifts his hips up, arms gripping at your thighs. “I’m not tired at all,” he says, eyes closed and voice deep, grunting when you slide down his length. The truth is you’re both exhausted, yet you couldn’t get enough of each other, you wanted to kiss and touch every part of him, he wanted to worship every part of you. Once you started you couldn’t stop. One last time, you promised yourself, again.

He pulls you down into a kiss, tongue tasting you and the saltiness of his first release in your mouth, you could taste your juices and his mixed on his tongue, on his lips, and his chin. It ignited your passion once again.

He grips the back of your head, holding you still as he pushes his hips upward, right into the spot that has you gasping for breath and calling out his name.

Your moans revitalized him, he accepted indulgence over his need for sleep. Namjoon dragged his length out again to push back in, your hips circling on top of his, as you shuddered looking for another release.

You rolled your hips, let him fill you full of his cock, your walls tightening the closer you came to reaching your high. Namjoon could feel your nearness too, pressing himself hard into you and running his fingers over your sex as you arch your back and fall back onto his chest, nails digging into his biceps.

He rolls himself over you, pressing your legs open before thrusting in deep again, burying his head into the crook of your shoulder. You run your hands through his messy hair, as your bodies move against each other, holding each other, waves of ecstasy flowing through you both before waves of slumber crash down, and you fall asleep next to one another.

---

Hoseok called the leader one last time, hoping Namjoon would just pick up his damn phone. He sighs, entering your key code, cursing his bad luck, the only member to lose every game of rock paper scissors, and thus the one who was tasked to grab the leader so he wouldn’t be late the morning. When he walks into your apartment, he sees Namjoon’s cellphone, still in his pants pocket, on the floor of your living room.

Now Hoseok is annoyed.

He picks up the cell and pants and shirt, knocking louder than he intended on your bedroom door.

“Joon, you’re going to be late!”

The leader opens the door half ajar. Falling over himself, he thankfully grabs the clothes from Hoseok’s outstretched hands. “Thanks,” he mutters.

“Just hurry the hell up.”

“Hoseok!” You rush out of your room with mismatched pajamas, pushing past Namjoon, shutting the door to give him privacy. “Hi!” Hoseok stays quiet. “Do you want some coffee? Dammit!” You trip over your own clothes from last night, your situation becoming even more embarrassing by the second. Hoseok grabs you before you can face plant onto your wooden floors, hands wrapping around your rib cage, he feels your lack of bra, heat rising in his face. “Shit, I’m sorry!”

Hoseok sighs, “It’s okay.” He helps you right yourself, more concerned than upset with you. “Yeah, I’ll take a coffee.”

You smile, pulling him to the kitchen. Joon joins you again, knocking into Hoseok in his haste.

Hoseok watches you out of the corner of his eye. He flips through today’s schedule, not really reading the notes, paying attention to you instead. He tries not to let it bother him, how you giggle at his guest’s joke. You jump up from your desk to find a pen, he watches you write something down on a scrap piece of paper and hand it to the pianist. The man stands way too close to you in Hoseok’s opinion. He’s tall and built, and it makes Hoseok’s insides tighten. He smiles, turning to say goodbye to Hoseok as well, and the radio host immediately recoils as Namjoon nods in his direction.

All three of you fall to the ground. Hoseok manages to hold you again, lessening your impact.

“What the hell?” Hoseok exclaims, clutching you tightly. “Joon?!”

“Ahh,” The leader grunts, “Yeah, I’m not sure how to explain that.” Namjoon winces, pulling himself to his feet again. “We’ll talk more about it later, I have to go!” Namjoon is about to reach out to you, but he sees Hoseok’s arms wrapped tight around you, and he is afraid what will happen if he touches you and him at the same time again. “Y/n, are you okay?”

You stare at both men with wide eyes. “Yeah, um, yeah. Don’t be late.”

You’re still shaken, as you work to make coffee, thinking over the small memory brought to the forefront. Hoseok watches you as you work with your back to him. The vision he saw did not help matters and his own inferior feelings, and all he wants to do is reach out to you, hold you, yell at you, kiss you.

What was Namjoon doing there? He pieces the memories back together, remembers your excitement later on that day, when you tell him about your date. He remembers how you came home afterwards, unusually quiet. Fuck! Why is this bothering him so much?! Because Hoseok, he accepts, is jealous of his leader, just as he was jealous of his guest, of Namjoon.

Hoseok is jealous, and knowing Namjoon touched you, kissed you, fucked you, is ripping him apart from the inside out.

“Do you want sugar?” You turn around, two cups of coffee in your hands. “Hoseok?”

The rapper leans over your counter, his elbows on the marble surface, head in his hands, on the verge of losing it.

“Hoseok?” You want to reach out to him, but you’re worried about crossing his boundaries when he’s clearly upset.

Screw it, you think, if he’s mad at you, you probably deserve it, and he needs to let it out. You run your hand against his back, “What’s wrong? Is it the memory with Joon? I don’t know why, but this just started happening. Is it too much? Do you want some space?”

Hoseok lifts his head up, looking at you. He pulls your hand off his shoulder, gripping your wrist. “Do it again, show me again.” His fingers wrap in between yours in a tight grip.

“I d-don’t know how?”

“Try!" he yells, "Please. Try.” Hoseok looks at you pleadingly.

Hoseok yawns. You poke his cheek. “Wake up, sleepy head,” you giggle, when he rolls over. “Come on! It’s the weekend!”

“Yeah, the weekend, which means I get to sleep in,” Hoseok grunts, pulling a pillow over his head to drown out your voice.

“Hey!” You pull the pillow away and hit him with it, and pull the one underneath him for good measure. His head knocks into his mattress as he groans annoyed.

“THIS IS ABUSE!” he yells.

“This is tough love! Now get up! Rise and shine!” You squish his cheeks between your fingers. Hoseok wishes he could tackle you, but he can barely move his limbs how he wanted.

“Just five more minutes! Pleeeease.”

“You said that ten minutes ago,” you grumble. Hoseok is already snoring again. You pout, “Fine, five more minutes,” you lie back down, knocking you head into his pillow.

Hoseok laughs, “So grumpy, come here already!” He opens his arms out wide, until you give in and fall into his embrace, burying your head into his chest.

Your heart hurts, it aches with the sweet forgotten memory. “Fuck…” Hoseok mumbles. Hoseok’s body is shaking, he yanks closer, gripping your hand tighter. “Again.”

“Look what I got!”

You hold the transcript of your grades in front of your best friend’s face.

“Hmm,” he squints, “You barely passed,” Hoseok notes.

“Ugh, shush! Look at the credits, I have enough to graduate!” you smile wide. “You know what that means?”

“Graduation party?”

“I just need to take my exam to get my license, and your best friend is officially a nurse!” You jump up and down, squealing.

Hoseok laughs, “Come here!” You jump into his lap as he pulls you into a hug. You can’t stop the tears from escaping in your happiness, you worked so hard for this. You promised yourself you would do this, and you did it! With the help of Hoseok, of course. You’re so grateful for him and everything he’s done for you, all the study sessions and cue cards, the late nights going over test questions, just cheering you on when you felt like giving up, everything.

You kiss his cheek, “Thank you, for helping me graduate.” You rest your forehead against his.

“I think I am owed a sponge bath.”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” You laugh, punching him in the shoulder. He dramatically winces in pain, and you laugh, hugging him one more time, “I love you!”

“I love you too.” Hoseok says. “I love you too.”

You rest your head against his, tears escaping from a mixture of happiness and pain at reliving your past self. Your fingers feel numb from how tightly you both squeeze each other’s hands.

“Why didn’t I ever say it back? I don’t even know why I was so scared to say it back, when I was so in love you. I was in love with you for so long. I love you. Y/n, I love you.”

“Hoseok…” He uses his free hand to wipe away your tears. You stop biting your lip, you stop holding everything in. “I love you too.”

His thumb presses into your cheek, “Say it again.”

“I lo-” Hoseok pulls you closer, lips covering your own, in a strong unwavering kiss, so passionate, you lost yourself for a moment.

---

“In my ‘professional’ opinion, your English is perfect.”

“Yeah? That’s right.” You giggle as Hoseok throws more English phrases at you, throwing in a dance move in the mix, your head falling against his shoulder as you shake with laughter. Hoseok pulls out his phone, showing you a funny video and you both fall back into wheezing giggles.

“Is it just me, or are they unusually close all of a sudden?” Jimin asks Jin. You had been glued to Hoseok’s side all day, lost in your own world with the rapper. Even Namjoon, who was afraid of the morning repeating itself, kept his distance from the pair of you.

“That thing happened again, with Hoseok this time.” Namjoon whispers to the eldest.

“Oh, was it something, um, good then-” Jin watches you lean in closer to Hoseok, scrolling through his phone, pointing at the screen, nodding. You stare into each other's eyes and start laughing again. “-between you?”

“I, err, asked y/n on a date in front of him.”

“Whoa, what?” Both idols watch you, confused. At that information, Jin would have guessed Hoseok had thrown in the towel and decided to be just friends, but the way Hoseok watches you, transfixed, the way you keep falling against him, bracing his knee, holding onto his shoulder, it looks more than friendly banter. Jin smirks to himself, thinking perhaps Hoseok has actually decided to do the very opposite.

“Y/n?” Jin calls you over. When both you and Hoseok walk towards him, he gives Namjoon a look.

“Hobi, can you look at this menu? Choose what you want for lunch today.” The leader asks.

“Y/n, what do you want?”

“Oh, I don’t eat at the same time as you guys.”

“What?!”

“She’s staff, Hoseok,” Namjoon reminds.

“I am but a working pleb, but I’m here if you need help with your English,” you wink.

“I need help,” Seokjin remarks. He and Namjoon have to physically pull you and Hoseok away from one another.

You sit in the corner of the room with Jin, watching the rest of the group bicker, you catch Hoseok’s eyes and he makes a funny face at you. “You seem happier.”

You raise your eyebrow, “I thought you needed help with your English,” you tease. You know your job is all pretense, but you still wanted to try your best at it.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Things seem to be piling on top of one another. That’s a lot of strain to put on one person. I just want you to know, you have us, to help, to lessen it.”

“I know,” you smile, “and I’m happy.”

“Also, I wanted to ask you something.” Seokjin clears his throat.

“Shoot.”

“Would you go on another date with me?”

Your eyes widen, whispering, “A date?”

“Yeah, a dinner date, will you?”

You smile wide, nodding quickly. “Of course.”

---

“Done?”

You close your laptop, stretching, “Yeah.” Hoseok turns off his playlist and sits next to you against the practice room mirror. “Hobi, I have to tell you something.” Hoseok waits for you to continue, wiping the sweat from his neck using a towel, tired from dancing. “Jin asked me out on a dinner date.”

Hoseok nods, stretching his legs. “He will probably make you dinner, he likes doing that.”

“You’re okay with me going on a date?”

“Yeah,” Hoseok laughs, rolling his neck and pulling on his elbows.

“You’re not-” your eyes narrow on him, “-jealous?”

Hoseok grabs your leg, yanking you to him, so you slide away from the mirror, lying on the practice room floor. “Do you want me to be?” He sits on your lap, caging you under his legs, hands beside your head.

“I-um-w-well-n-no.” Hoseok knew he had no claim on you. He wasn’t even the one fake-dating you. He also knew Jin really cared for you, and he was still working through everything Taehyung had said. And even though he was jealous, he wasn’t going to pressure you to reject anyone. Not to say, he wouldn’t tease you about it and torture you a bit, enjoying the way you looked up at him shyly, panting softly underneath him.

“I’m not jealous, because I know you’ll come find me afterwards, to tell me all about it, right?”

---

Jin took you to his apartment. He did end up making you dinner, and you helped. You julliened vegetables while he put together everything else. His apartment filled with the sounds of metal clanging, soft music playing in the background and Jin’s soothing voice offering you instructions.

You didn’t have many dresses packed from home, but you found a nice sundress in your closet, it was comfortable and perfect for a laid back date. First a fishing date, now a cooking date, you appreciated Jin for trying to make this situation normal for you.

You washed dishes while he plated everything. “Use gloves,” he pulls your hands away from the harsh tap water, thumb running over the blue gemstone of the ring he gave you. You never took it off, wearing it even when you weren’t working. He watches the wet gem sparkle. “Y/n?”

“Jin?” He looks down at you with a serious expression, questions on the tip of his tongue. You feel Jin wants to tell you something, but his expression changes again, back to smiles and sweetness, not willing to ruin the mood.

You enjoy a nice normal night with Jin, who is much calmer alone, quieter, but you enjoyed the quiet, you enjoyed being around him so much. Actually, you loved being around him, eating and talking, living in the moment and not worrying about anything else. You ask him questions about how to navigate the city, he talks about his favorite spots in town, hideaways he can go and feel like everyone else, promising to show you one day. You talk until you’re full and sleepy.

“Remember the bet we made?”

You nod. “Cashing in on your wish?”

Seokjin smiles, “Yeah, but I am trying to be a gentleman about it.”

“You’re always a gentleman.”

“I don’t want to be, sometimes,” his sharp eyes stare at you, and you start to feel hot all over.

“I never said you had to be,” you clear your throat, gathering the courage to return his stare, “if you don’t want to.”

Seokjin smirks, pushing his plate away. “My wish is for you to come up with the next date.”

“Huh, that’s it?”

“Why?” he laughs, “Disappointed? Wanted a kiss, eh?”

You resist the urge to scoff, crossing your arms, “Okay, okay, then what would have wished for if you weren’t being a gentleman, Kim Seokjin?”

Seokjin leans in closer, hand holding your chin still. He leans in until your lips are touching, and you gasp in surprise. He raises his eyebrows, and tilts your chin to the side, moving your view towards his balcony. “Outside.”

‘Is he really? Did he really, did he mean that?’ Your own thoughts echo back to you, an assured “Definitely.’ He lets go of your chin and leans back into his chair again, “I want it to be an all day thing too!”

You fell asleep on his couch, woke up in a hammock. Another dream, now a normal occurance, it feels warm and smells fresh and tropical, a paradise that you know won’t last. Your heart hurts, thinking about all this beauty being destroyed. You’re sad, until hands grab at your waist, scaring you so much you let out a piercing scream.

“Sorry, sorry! I couldn’t help myself.” Jin doubles over in laughter. Jin pulls you into a crushing hug, placing apologetic kisses all over your face.

“You’re going to give me a heart attack,” you calm your breathing, clutching at your chest.

“You won’t have one, trust me.” He kisses you eagerly, pulling you close, refusing to let go until you both need a break to breathe in air. You feel his desire for you press hard against your thigh.

“Jin,” you moan.

“What?” He pulls away from you quickly.

“Huh?”

Jin looks between your bodies, gripping your hand, turning your palm over to stare at the blue gemstone, the one that was not supposed to be on your finger yet.

“Y/n?”

“Jin?”

You jolt awake, pulling away from Seokjin, who is now fully awake too. He looks down at your hand on his chest, his fingers intertwined with yours. “That wasn’t just a dream, was it?” he says, ears flushed red. He had made it a habit to escape into his love for you, he hadn't expected you, really you, would be there too.

“What’s happening to us?”

---

You shut your apartment door softly, pulling off your heels, turning on the lights. You smile at the sight, Hoseok curled up on your couch, mouth open in his sleep. You sit on the floor next to him, running your hand down his shoulder, “Hey,” you whisper, “You didn’t have to wait up for me, you know.”

Hoseok rubs his eyes, adjusting to the extra light as you pour yourself a glass of water in the kitchen.

Hoseok walks to your side, wrapping his arms around your middle and resting his head on your shoulder from behind. “What’s wrong?” he says groggily, feeling you stiffen.

“Nothing,” you hum, thinking about what happened with Seokjin.

“You’re different.”

You sigh. “You think so? Maybe, I feel different all the time now.”

Hoseok kisses your neck, pulling your sleeve down, so he can kiss the length of your shoulder, his lips moving against your skin when he whispers, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You tried to keep the emotion stirring inside you out of your voice.

“You love Seokjin.” Hoseok says abruptly.

You nod, “A part of me does, yes,” you whisper breathlessly, coming to terms with your feelings.

Hoseok pauses, “You love Namjoon, then, too.”

“Yes.”

Hoseok leans against the kitchen counter, pulling away from you.

You don’t know why, but you start to cry.

“If you had to choose only one of us to love, could you?”

You cry. You can’t stop crying.

Hoseok’s heart breaks watching you, he had promised himself to only make you laugh from now one. “I won’t ask you to choose again, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not fair to you. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do.” You rest your palm on his chest, over his heart.

Hoseok smiles, thumb underneath your jaw, tilting your head up to meet his eyes. Kissing your lips only briefly, his lips ghosting over yours, “I’m not worried about us.” He kisses your forehead. You lean into his embrace, reaching for a proper kiss, but Hoseok pulls away smirking.

You clench your jaw, fingers running over your lips. “Are you teasing me?”

“If you want more, you just have to ask me for more, I would give you anything you want.”

“What do you want?”

Hoseok looks at you pointedly, eyes brazenly looking up and down your body. “You already know.”

You lean back on your kitchen counter, holding yourself back. What you were doing was not right, you needed to have a conversation with everyone before you really hurt the people you cared about most.

“This dress you chose for Jin?” he asks.

You nod, feeling embarrassed, you should have changed first before waking Hoseok.

He bends down, whispering in your ear. “If it was me, and you picked out a dress just for me, I would have torn it off your body.” Oh.

There’s a knock on your door before you can react any further. Hoseok turns the doorbell screen on, expecting to see Jin. He opens the door and pulls a surprised Jungkook in by his hoodie. “I’ll talk to you later,” he yells over his shoulder at you, and leaves before he loses control of himself.

“What, um, what? Is he okay?” Jungkook stammers.

You run your hand across your neck, trying to calm your goosebumps, your body jittery and needy and wound up. “Y-Yeah.”

“Jin was back and I thought you were alone, I’m sorry.” Jungkook says, running a hand through his freshly washed hair. You pour yourself a glass of water, gulping the liquid down to calm yourself. “Are you okay?”

“No. Yeah, I mean yeah. S-Sorry, I’m just tired.”

“Did you want to go to bed?”

“Yes,” you nod, walking swiftly out of the kitchen, grabbing Jungkook’s hand along the way.

You run with urgency, following Jungkook through the halls of your estate, until you’re in your favorite spot, an abandoned broom closet, now used as food storage for the winter. No one ever comes here during the warm months, except for you and Jungkook.

Once locked inside, you lunge at each other, hands and mouths searching for skin, rough and fast with no time to waste.

“I missed you.” you gasp out between heated kisses, mouth nipping at his shoulder when he lifts you up on a level spot, the perfect height to have your legs wrapped around Jungkook's torso. He quickly unbuttons his pants, pressing into you with no pretense, holding you for a moment while you adjust to his size.

“Sorry, I’ve been busy breaking in new mares.” He gave you a reassuring smile, bright and innocent, it was a small white lie, he had spent days sorting out his finances, he almost had enough, and then he promised himself he would tell you everything.

One hard thrust knocks you back into burlaps sacks, and another has you quickly forgetting your troubles, laughing together when bags fall onto the ground, smiling in secret, loving him in whispers and careful tenderness.

You woke, back pressed tightly to Jungkook, his hands holding onto yours securely.

“Y/n? What did you dream about?” He asks, voice deep from sleep.

“You,” you say, your own voice scratchy from sleep.

“Did we have the same-”

“Yeah, I think so.” you whisper softly, feeling his erection against your back, turning your head to look over your shoulder. Jungkook’s hair is sticking up in all directions, you giggle at the sight.

“What?” He kisses your neck, purposefully rough to tickle you. “Are you laughing at me?”

“Y-ye-s,” you manage to say between giggles, wiggling around to face him. You look into his eyes, holding onto the moment. “Kiss me, like you did before.”

Jungkook didn’t have to be told twice, while you told yourself you’ll listen to that voice of reason, the rational part of you later, right now, you’ll listen to your heart.

---

Oh hey, look at me, I finished a chapter! LISTEN, LinDA LISTEN, don’t be mad </3, this chapter two weeks ago, one week, yesterday, did not look anything like it does right now. At first I didn’t like this chapter, treated it like an in between until we got to the good stuff, and I edited and re-edited until I really became proud of it, I’m sorry it took so long, but I didn’t want to disappoint you, because I just knew if I didn’t like it, you wouldn’t. But now, I like it :D (OH GOD PLEASE LIKE IT TOO) ((I MEAN IT’S OKAY IF YOU DON’T! JUST FINE I’LL BE FINE :’’D)) (((bUT if you do, can you like, leave me like, a thumbs up or something so I know :’’’’D))) I mean c’mon, the Hoseok build up, that’s good, right? ;)

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