#I honestly do believe it's a bit unfair to expect people to give you validation - validation is lovely but you shouldn't expect it

[twotales]

Listen, I write for myself. If y'all wanna show up to the puppet show then come on in, but I don't need an audience.

[doomstar-requiem-sharks]

(this post isnt spell checked, also sorry it's just a bit angry feeling)

Edgar is for sure a victim, what do you mean?

I think his anger is misplaced, if anyone's to blame specifically for Eric's death, it's Charles, not Dethklok themselves. but I think it's super unfair to act like his anger isn't justified?

Eric and him weren't a threat, physically, financially, whatever, all they wanted was like a good review on their website if I recall correctly? Even if Charles was annoyed w/ their blackmail threats, they could've settled it in court or something right? Every time Charles is shown in court, he wins, so it's not like it would've been hard to deal with the legal route, but instead he felt the need to have them sniped at for sport. Like he smiles about it even, he thinks that shits funny (idk it kinda is, but that's not the point)

Edgar and Eric were just a couple of guys, they weren't like armed trained killers trying to ransom the band or something, they just wanted a bit of appreciation from their favorite band? And it's also not just that Eric died, his head got blown off, in front of Edgar. That's traumatizing as shit omfg? I dunno, maybe I'm just sappy because I have a brother, but I'd be fucking pissed off too? It's a totally valid reason for being upset? It wasn't like he did anything morally wrong? He recorded the Fansong when he wasn't supposed to. Okay? And MAYBE he could've expected a level of brutal retaliation from DK, but I'm sure he thought very highly of the band and Charles, and assumed they'd see the sense in his argument or whatever, and instead he basically got hunted for sport.

As for the scene where he's talking to the victims of the explosion, I think he means more metaphorically rather than literally. YES, obviously, blame falls squarely on the Revengencers, but he means to say that Dethklok's apathy toward their fanbase/"regular jack-offs" has sort of led to this point. Whether that claim actually has any merit is sort of another argument, but I believe that Edgar is simply being poetic in that scene rather than literal.

"How can you still be devoted to those rich assholes, when i cannot be?" sort of thing I guess. Whatever.

I guess I'm just upset that somehow "Blackmail > Murder" is the argument here? Charles reacts with overkill, that's part of the shows humor or whatever. Oh, you recorded the song after we said not to? I am going to have you shot. Oh you downloaded an MP3 from the internet? I am going to have you kidnapped and tortured. Murderface had a meltdown on TV? Time to kidnap multiple people and force the "disagreeable ones" to change their fucking identity.

(I love Charles, I love Dethklok, but hollllllly shitttt the things they do????? heinous)

But, even if someone else is really more at fault, Edgar is more annoyed that DK still has fans, despite the obvious nature of their crimes and apathy and stuff. They're the one's who have sort of enabled this environment in the first place.

As for MMA, again, anger misplaced, but not wrong for feeling slighted/attacked/hurt. I think his brother was just doing his job, he knew the risks, etc. etc. But his death was honestly more of an accident anyways. If anyone's to blame, it's General Crozier for sending him into Mordhaus, and like, 216 for impaling AGENT 216's head on the diamond encrusted codpiece.

BUT DESPITE ALL OF THIS!

That's also the point. MMA, and Magnus I'm bringing him into this, can't get over their anger, their hurt, their want for revenge. That's why Edgar does. He works with DK, he comes to realize "This isn't what my brother would want. To stay mad at the band we both loved so much?" In Black Fire Upon Us, he hesitates to kill Skwisgaar and Pickles, because of their camaraderie (talking about sucking ur own dick I guess is really heartwarming?) He's reminded of his brother, and how they shared their interest in Dethklok. He gives it up! Revenge isn't worth destroying those memories! Revenge isn't worth destroying the band he loves! Revenge. Isn't. Worth it. What's the point in staying so angry? It wouldn't bring Eric back, and it would only bring other's down.

It's part of why Edgar works with Dethklok, despite his valid reasons for being mad at them. AND, it's why Magnus works against them, despite wanting to be their friend still and honestly having a way less (IN MY OPINON) valid reason for revenge. He's allowed to be upset, but compared to Edgar and MMA, who both lost something you can't get back, Magnus is mad that.... he got in an argument, lost a fight that he started, and the band got famous without him. And, Nathan's said that they could've forgiven Magnus if he'd ever given them a chance to, so he just was mad for like.... nothing

AND that's why he realizes, too late, that yeah, this is silly, I shouldn't have stayed so mad at them, I should've just tried to work this out.

"I'm not the hero, I am the villain"

I dunno. Long rant over I guess. The long story short is that, I think ur wrong, Edgar is a victim, he's just Revengencing against the wrong people. But he overcomes that, and instead learns to accept what's happened and to... idk I guess forgive and forget. Bygones, amirite?

And as for Magnus and MMA? They just don't realize how silly they're being, because they're blinded by anger™ and pain™.

Edgar Jomfru acting like he’s the victim like bruh oh wow your brother got killed but like you tried to blackmail Deathklok what the fuck did you think was going to happen. I don’t feel bad for that bitch

And hold up did he really tried to tell the burn victim dethklok fans that dethklok is the reason why they’re burned when him, the kid wearing his brothers dead skin and the metal face guy literally blew up the coffee shop, disfiguring and killing all of those people because they’re mad at the consequences from their own actions (well metal face guy’s brother was killed but again he tried to infiltrate Mordhaus so consequences of his actions)

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[alikat7]

Where Did The Line End?

SUMMARY: Bucky finds out about Steve’s decision and doesn’t react the way Steve thinks he should.

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, T’Challa, Shuri

Warnings: Mind Control. Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Past Torture. Angst and Hurt/Comfort, 

Steve had been waiting for Bucky to say something, anything, but he remained silent. He thought he had made valid points and his friend should understand and support him. He should want Steve to find happiness. That’s not the feeling he was getting from him.

 Steve finally cracked. “Surely you can understand my reasoning, right?”

 Buck glanced at him, shrugged, and said, “Of course.” Then resumed staring at the lake in front of them like he expected the waters to part.

 Finally, Steve lost it. “Okay, I’m not sure if you’re mad, happy, apathetic, or just bored at this point. I have told you something that is a majorly important decision about my life and you have said two fucking words. Say something goddammit! Anything! String more than two words together.”

 After a few moments, Bucky looked at him emotionlessly and said, “To the end of the line. Was the end of the line when Thanos snapped his fingers? Or now? I mean, I get it. You have a woman you love in the past, but Steve, that’s the past. Peggy lived her life completely and died a natural death. She loved people, accomplished things, and had a family in her time on Earth. It’s unfair that you two were never together, I get that. But how many lives do you want to destroy to go back to her? Have you thought about the life she has lived in this reality? Or that while you only loved her… she loved another and you have never implied she was unhappy with him. She was with him for ages, his wife and mother to his children, and she only knew you a couple of years.”

 Steve glared at him, but Bucky pointed out, “You wanted me to string more than two words together. Don’t blame me if you don’t like the words I use. It’s the truth.”

 “I cannot believe you are being so selfish,” Steve shot back. “I honestly thought as my friend you’d support me.”

 “Let’s talk about your friends, Steve. Wanda had to kill the man she loved, turned to dust, then was resurrected with no one to come back to. Thor is really a mess still. I don’t even know what happened with him. Understandable though, since he lost most of his people that didn’t come back because they died before the Snap. Clint did some very immoral things during the five years that he now must deal with. Sam, T’Challa, Rhody… everyone is still reeling over what has happened. The world is trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. And you’re just like ‘Peace out’. Captain America is abandoning this time period when it’s on it’s shakiest ground.” Suddenly, he stood. “Natasha sacrificed her life to get the soul stone. Tony sacrificed his life to kill Thanos. But I’m selfish for pointing out that you’re needed right here, now. And you’re leaving on purpose.”

 The two men just stared at each other for a long time before Steve dropped his head. “I have nothing left to give. I just can’t anymore. Five years ago, I lost ‘that kid from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight’, Bucky. Maybe it is selfish or maybe its just necessary. I need to leave Captain America behind and go back and find Steve Rogers again. And he’s in the past,” Steve said in a voice of defeat that Bucky didn’t know if he’d ever heard before from him. “Take the shield, Buck. You still have that fire in you, I can see it in your eyes even now. You can still tell right from wrong and know when to fight and when to make peace. You can be Captain America.”

 Bucky thought about his fight to reclaim his identity and felt a bit more generous about Steve’s decision, but still shook his head. “I won’t sully the name of Captain America. Whether or not I was brainwashed, I was a Hydra assassin. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it was. I ended lives, some very innocent ones.”

 “Every soldier ends lives, including some very innocent ones. Do you think all the people we killed in the war deserved death? How many Hydra soldiers were there voluntarily and how many were there because they had no choice? We didn’t ask, we just killed. No one comes home from war without blood on their hands,” Steve answered. “Take the shield, Bucky.”

 Bucky looked away for a few minutes, staring into the lake again. Finally, he shook his head. “That ‘fire’ you see is anger. I’m angry that I lost almost ninety years of my life in a walking coma before I was snapped to dust. I’m angry that my mind is free from brainwashing, but I still can’t sort things out enough to know what I am responsible for and what I was the victim of. You have no idea what its like to be a hostage in your own mind. To not be able to stop yourself from doing things you knew were wrong. And I ignorantly thought once I had my mind back, I would be able to just start new.”

 “I know I don’t understand. But I know you. You’re too hard-headed to give up on yourself. You’ll figure it all out and come back stronger than ever. James Bucky Barnes does not quit,” Steve argued.

 Before he could ask him once again to take up the mantle, Bucky said, “You’re leaving me, the only person who has known me longer than a few years. The one who pulled me back from The Winter Soldier, protected me from Tony and the government at the risk of his own life. The only person who never doubted me, is abandoning me in a world where I don’t even know what the next step is. But I do know the next step is not becoming Captain America. Give it to Sam. You’ve always said he’s a better man than most. Don’t offer it to me on friendship seniority. That’s a shitty gauge. Sam should be your successor, not me.”

 “Maybe you’re right. He’s a good man, which is why Erskine chose me. But you’re a good man too Buck…”

 “The world won’t see it that way. Sam came back from overseas a hero. He’s always been a hero. I never came back from our war. I went to Hydra. Even if I ever get pardoned, I won’t be thought of as a hero.  I’ll either be a villain or a victim. And I’m not sure which I hate worse. You want me to take the shield because I was given the serum but so was Red Skull. It doesn’t make either of us a good man." Bucky said walking away from him a few feet, keeping his back to him because he needed to not look at him to say what he had to say.

 “It wasn’t your fault. You had no choice. Stop blaming yourself. How many times do I have to remind you?”

 “I guess that one final time since you’re leaving tomorrow.” He didn’t even turn around as he said it.

 In the time since Germany, this is what their relationship had come to. Steve had been his defender, his cheerleader, never letting Bucky take any responsibility for his actions. It was black or white to Steve. But Bucky could never heal his heart or soul as long as he couldn’t face what he’d done without reservation. Steve would never understand that whether he committed those acts under Hydra control or his own, he had to confront them, process them with real feelings instead of the numbness of the Winter Soldier, sort out his feelings, and acknowledge that they happened. It would be cowardly to just say that it wasn’t his fault and put Hydra as the scapegoat. They controlled his mind but his hands committed the action and it was something he had to meet head on. Now he had to be brave enough to send Steve on his way to his future, and his past.

 “Bucky, take the shield…”

 Turning around, he saw Steve looked miserable, so he gave him a smile. “Give the shield to Sam. He’ll do you proud and will be popular with the flying villains. I’m not really a red, white, and blue kind of guy, anyway. I prefer to wear black, so I can lurk easier. I hope you and Peggy have the life you’re hoping for, the life you deserve, buddy. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find a wife too. I’m going back to Brooklyn if I get this pardon. Or maybe I’ll go be a farmer in Wakanda.” When did he get so good at lying as himself? He thought that was a Winter Soldier trait. Steve grinned and Bucky felt at least it was worth it. His friend deserved happiness, even if he wasn’t being honest with him.

They discussed Sam and next steps, then Steve went to meet with some other Avengers. Bucky stared at the lake for a while before he heard a noise behind him. Turning, it did not surprise him to find T’Challa.

 “He’s leaving?” he asked, but obviously suspected.

 “He’s leaving.” Bucky confirmed.

 “You’re going to be fine, Bucky. You never give yourself enough credit for having the fortitude to get these things,” he said, thoughtfully, as he normally spoke. For someone so young, he had the emotional maturity that exceeded Bucky’s one hundred and six years.

 “Shuri got me through it. And you,” Bucky argued. “But I…”

 “We gave you the tools to use. You had the strength to wield them. You’ve lived, actually lived, so little of your life, and for a few years, you had to fight every day to come back from seventy years of hell. Even before Shuri and I helped you. And you did it without Steve most of the time, too. You lived in hell for more years than most people that were born in your generation lived. So many people wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed in the morning after what you lived through. You talk about facing your past honestly. Give yourself some honest credit for what you’ve managed.” T’Challa clasped his shoulder. “Don’t make me send Ayo with you for intensive therapy. She went easy on you in Wakanda. You might lose the other arm.”

 Bucky chuckled. He was glad to have T’Challa to remind him to get real. He didn’t look at Bucky in an unrealistic light.

 “Are you coming back to Wakanda until you get a pardon? You know you are welcome,” Shuri said as she walked up to the two men. “Besides we always  need a one-armed, broken, white boy farmer. I’m pretty sure your last workplace was destroyed but we could find you another.”

 Bucky smirked at her, then grew thoughtful again. “No, I have to be there tomorrow when Steve takes the stones back. Then I have to find someone overseas, I think. I need to tell her about Natasha in person. I owe her that much at least.” He turned and gave Shuri a tight hug. “I’ll see you soon, I’m sure. Don’t change the locks.” He and T’Challa embraced, then Bucky started walking away. 

Bucky hadn’t gone far when he heard from behind him, a solemn voice, “Wakanda forever,” and his eyes got misty. He turned and crossed his arms over his chest, then nodded to both of them before he turned and left.

[lauras-collection]

Too Shy [Part 2]

Tom Holland x Reader

Part 1

Summary: You’ve been avoiding Tom for weeks and he’s had enough.

Words: 2,433

Warnings: swearing, angst, crying, realising things, fluff (I don’t know how to do these warnings so if there is anything in here you think I should mention, let me know)

A/N: I’m still overwhelmed at how much love Too Shy has gotten in such a short amount of time and I just wanted to say thank you! :) I hope you like part 2 just as much. I have to say I’m not 100% happy with it, but I did my best :)

Feel free to send me some ideas for future stories :)

-

Tom knew he fucked up. He didn’t really know what he did, but he knew he did something wrong. He knew when you didn’t pick up the phone after you left so quickly from the cinema. He knew when November came and went without you reaching out to him to make plans to see another movie even though you knew he was home until after Christmas. He knew when he saw you with one of your friends, smoking.  He wanted to talk to you then but you were quick to dodge him and tell him that you wanted to spend time with your friend. It used to be different. Usually, you would’ve happily talked to him even just for a few minutes.

He tried to reach out to you about a million times but all he got was one-worded answers and being put off.

So now he was standing on your doorstep. It was the middle of December and he knew that he should have come sooner but he thought that you needed space and he wanted to give you that. However, the more time went by the more you pulled away from him. He had tried to think about what he did wrong for you to push him away like that but he couldn’t for the life of him find a valid reason.

 He was nervous and that was new for him. Ever since you two became friends, he never had a reason to be nervous. But now his hands were sweaty and he didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t even know if you were going to let him in. After taking a deep breath he rings your doorbell. 

You weren’t expecting anyone so of course, you looked through the peephole first. You almost choked on your breath when you saw Tom standing in front of your door. You should have known that he would turn up sooner or later. 

You were filled with guilt as you watched him. You had been avoiding him for weeks without an apparent reason, to him at least. You missed him. The last weeks had been a struggle. Yes, you had met up with some of your other friends, but none of them knew you the way Tom did and you just missed having him around. Harrison had texted you a couple of times telling you to sort out whatever it was that was keeping you from talking to Tom. You simply didn’t reply telling yourself it would be easier to shut him out, too. But of course it wasn’t, Harrison was your friend too and just like Tom, he was worried.  

Standing on the other side of the door Tom had heard you walk towards it and was waiting for the familiar sound of you unlocking your door, but it never came.

“Y/N, I know you’re home. Please. Can we talk?” His voice was far from being strong and confident as it usually was and it broke your heart. You did that to him. With a sigh, you unlocked the door and opened it, but as soon as you did you scuffed back into the living room where you had spent the whole morning binge-watching your favourite show. As you wrapped the blanket back around your body you heard Tom close the door and take off his shoes. You kept staring at the screen with determination, like a child that was angry with her parents. 

“Would you please say something?” Tom was almost begging you. He’d never seen you like this. Yes, you were shy and didn’t talk much when people were around that you didn’t know well, but around him you had always been open, when something was bothering you you had never held back, venting to Tom because you felt like he was the only one that would really listen. But now you were behaving like he had done something unforgivable. 

“You’re the one who wanted to talk.” Was all you said and you knew that you were being unfair. And as you looked at Tom you could see the confusion in his eyes, he was starting to get angry, too, the crease between his brows was speaking for itself.

“Are you serious right now?” He took a step forward now standing right in front of you, blocking the tv from your view. You weren’t paying attention anyway “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past six weeks and all you’ve done is put me off.” Running a hand through his hair he crouched down so that he was eye level with you. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you upset. Please tell me so I can make it better.” His voice was softer now. ”Y/N, I miss you!” The last words fell from his lips in an exasperated whisper while he grabbed your hands that were laying in your lap. This was all it took for you to start crying. The only thing you could do was sit there and cry. 

You looked so broken and Tom never had the urge to scoop you up into his arms as much as in this moment. So he pulled on your hands a bit, moving them around his neck before pulling you from the sofa onto his lap, his arms holding you tightly as you buried your face in his neck. Neither one of you cared that you were sitting on the floor. Tom was rocking you softly, holding you as tight as possible. Your hands grabbed the fabric of his jumper, scared to let him go. You missed him, too. When Tom was away filming you were talking to him every day on the phone or even FaceTime. This time it had been the first time since you met that you hadn’t talked for weeks.

 One of his hands started stroking your hair and after a couple of minutes of him mumbling ‘I got you’s and ‘It’s gonna be okay’s your sobs got quieter and Tom loosened his arms around you a bit to make you look at him.

“D’you wanna talk about it?” He had a feeling you didn’t but he had to ask nonetheless. His hands kept rubbing circles on your back and for a moment you just kept looking at him. Now that he was right in front of you, you drank in every little detail. His brown eyes which were full of concern for you, the freckles on his nose, and his lips that formed a straight line. Before you could think it over, your hands moved from his shoulders to each side of his face, your thumb moving over his unruly eyebrow, the bridge of his nose and his cheekbone. Tom closed his eyes at your touch and let out a breath, it was almost like a sigh of relief. 

Suddenly, you were very aware of how your legs were curled around his body, your chest pressed against his and how Tom was still moving his hands on your back in a soothing manner. 

“Would you believe me when I tell you that I miss you, too? So much.” Your voice was barely above a whisper and almost broke with your words. You felt like you had messed everything up between the two of you. What happened to wanting him in your life even if it was as just a friend? You couldn’t bear the sight of him with someone else, that’s what happened. 

“Honestly? I’m not sure what to think. You completely cut me off and I have no idea why. What did I do?” His hands stopped his movements and you were afraid that he was going to let go of you now but his hands moved to your hips instead. You had to close your eyes for a second. You could feel the warmth of his palms through your sweatpants and it made your heartbeat speed up.

“You did nothing wrong...”

“But why did you suddenly start ignoring me? Please, help me understand.” Now his thumbs were moving over the fabric of your shirt and it drove you crazy. You were torn between relishing in his touch and moving away from him. But you were enjoying it too much to let go. 

“I can’t.” You shook your head. How were you supposed to make him understand without telling him that you’re in love with him? Tom noticed that you were getting worked up again and he knew that there was no use in pressuring you into telling him. All that mattered, for now, was that you were here in his arms. The past weeks have been a struggle without you and he wasn’t ready to go through that again.

“‘S okay. You don't have to tell me now, just... I don't want you to do that ever again okay?" You only nodded as an answer. You never wanted to do that to him again. But you couldn't really promise anything. Maybe you would get used to seeing him with someone else. Maybe, if you just waited long enough, your feelings for him would eventually go away and you'd be able to just be his best friend. But maybe it would just be like this for the rest of your life. You banned that thought from your brain as soon as it came up. Stop thinking like that, it won't make things any easier.  

 While you were internally battling yourself (something you’ve been doing a lot lately) Tom couldn’t stop looking at you. It’s as if he’s seeing you for the first time. With your tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes, now deep in thought lightly chewing on your lip, he could only think about how perfect you are. Of course, he’s loved you as a friend for a long time, but now he’s starting to realise that there’s more between the two of you. And as this realisation hits him, his breathing goes shallow. You were pressed up against him and all of a sudden his body felt like it was burning everywhere you touched him. In a good way though. 

When one of his hands moved a strand of your hair behind your ear and, instead of returning it to your hip he rested it on the nape of your neck, you stopped thinking and your heart started racing. You had to concentrate to not start panting. Your faces were only centimetres apart and with a light tug of his hand, Tom’s lips were on yours. 

At first, you didn’t know what was happening. His thumb was caressing your cheek while his other arm moved around your back pulling you even closer as if he was silently begging you to kiss him back. And you did. Your hands moved from the sides of his face into his hair and you moved your lips with his. You couldn’t believe that you were kissing Tom. You had imagined this about a million times, but somehow the reality was even better. You relished in his touch for a moment before you moved away a bit, the tip of your nose touching his.

“What’re you doin’?” You let out with a breath. With every whispered word your lips grazed his with a featherlight touch, that’s how close you were.

“‘M kissing you.” Tom’s voice was hoarse, he too was overwhelmed. That didn’t stop him from giving you another kiss though.

“But why?” You managed to get out when his lips left yours. 

“‘Cause I want to.” He was looking at you intently now. He knew that you wanted it, too. You wouldn’t have kissed him back if you didn’t.

“But what about Cas?”

“Who?” All he could think about was how soft your lips were, and how sweet you tasted and just you. Tom moved his face away a bit so he could look at you properly, trying to decipher the look on your face.

“Cas. From the cinema. You introduced me to her as your friend.” Looking away from him you focused on a loose thread on his jumper, tugging lightly at it with your fingers.

“Is that what this is about?” He nudged you a bit so you would look at him, but you kept your eyes on the thread that you were curling around your pointer finger. This was enough of an answer for Tom. “Look at me, love.” He had called you ‘love’ about a hundred times, but never had it made you feel the way it did now. There was a warmth, and softness in his voice that you’ve never heard before.

Slowly, you lifted your gaze so you were looking at him. “Cas is nice and all, but... to be honest, something wasn’t quite right. And I didn’t know what it was...” Tom wasn’t going to lie to you and tell you that he was never interested in Cas. She was attractive, yes, and nice. She could hold a conversation easily and for a moment Tom had thought that she could be someone to start a relationship with. After going on a few dates he realised that something was missing and he hadn’t seen her in about a month. “But now I know...” He let out a small laugh, he couldn’t believe he had only realised this now, four years into your friendship. “You wanna know what the problem was?” He smiled at you softly and you nodded. His voice was barely above a whisper when he continued. “She’ll never be like you.” He let his eyes wander over your face for a moment. “Come to think of it... that might be why it never worked out with anyone. I think I’ve been comparing them to you without even realising it and they never lived up to you. I always thought that I would meet the right one eventually, but I already had.” He chuckled and nudged your nose with his. “It’s always been you.”

For a moment everything was quiet before you could hear the blood rushing through you. You’d been waiting for Tom to say these words for such a long time and now here you were, wrapped up in his arms while he told you that it’s always been you.

“Who would’ve thought you’d be so cheesy.” You whispered with a small smile, a blush creeping up your cheeks. You weren’t even sure if you had fallen asleep on the couch and this was all a dream.  

“Only for you, love.” Tom pulled you closer again, his lips finding yours. 

Taglist:

@jackiehollanderr // @alicethestral // @snowxbarryxendgame // @van-horn-dashner

(I hope I remembered to tag everyone who asked! If not, I am so sorry)

[dropintomanga]

Behind the Blog - 20 Years in the Making

5 years ago, I wrote “Behind the Blog - 15 Years in the Making.” It was a post detailing how I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2000 and the experiences that led to me starting this blog. 

Now it’s 5 years later and I want to look back at that post a bit. I’m also going to discuss further insights about my past that I remembered and recent thoughts learned over time.

In my recent post about Komi Can’t Communicate, I mentioned my parents being worried about me having a possible communication disorder at the age of 2 and their decision to put me through special education classes. I joke that my life was doomed from the start even though it turned out I was alright. My father recently told me that when I was in pre-kindergaren, he was stalked by two men who wanted to rob him. After going on a school trip, I was dropped off by the special education class at a certain spot and my father went to pick me up. Once he did, he realized he was being followed while taking me home. Thankfully, he went inside a store with a security guard at the front door and nothing happened.

I’m really glad that nothing bad happened in front of my eyes. I don’t know how I would have processed it all. My parents have told me stories of how bad New York City was back in the 1970s’-1980s’. They have been robbed several times when they first moved to America. Before I was born, my mother was pregnant and was chased by three men who wanted to rape her. She got away, but fell down to the ground while escaping. My mother had a miscarriage as a result. The funny thing is that a few months later, she was pregnant with me.

It’s so freaking surreal to me whenever I think about that. I would not be here if it weren’t for that incident.

I also think back to that time in 2001 when I decided to be hospitalized. I told a college guidance counselor back in 2000 that I was hearing voices. That was a big reason why I stayed at the hospital. In hindsight, I was faking it. I think I just wanted attention and did it in a way that hurt everyone around me. I never heard voices at all. A thing that people with mental illness sometimes like to do is to dramatize things to get the attention of those around them. While it’s important to address their concerns, caregivers aren’t gods. They’re human beings with boundaries. Caregivers are placed with unfair expectations on handling mental illness in their loved ones. Now that I look back at the situation, I wished someone was there to shut me up in a compassionate way.

Speaking of college, there was one guidance counselor who I spoke with before I dropped out that said something that resonated with me. She said, “You know, I can see you being famous one day.” I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t pay much attention. After starting the blog, I went back to that college to attend an anime convention there and hoped to speak with that counselor again. I wanted to thank her because at the time, I felt that she was right in some way as I was going up the ranks in the manga blogging community. Unfortunately, she wasn’t working there anymore.

It’s funny because I’m not interested in chasing fame much anymore. I’m content with where I’m at.

I now want to think back to this passage I wrote in the 15-year post.

“But I’ve gone on to stay in good shape and I’m healthier than almost all of my relatives. I think it’s because deep down, I really wanted to live despite those dark desires. That or those good habits provided some physiological relief. I don’t think I’ll ever try to commit suicide. I’m too much of a coward for that. I’ve only just started to “live” a normal life honestly.

I was reading Noragami Volume 7 and it highlighted an important note about the main character, Yato. He is afraid of being forgotten. I think almost all depressed individuals have some fear of that. We want to be validated and we want people to let us know that they care. I also remember Great Teacher Onizuka Volume 17, where one of my favorite characters, Urumi Kanzaki, was going to commit suicide despite all pleas by her teacher, Onizuka, to stop doing so.

He went to great lengths to save Urumi and she realized how much he cared about her well-being. Do I want someone to sacrifice their own lives to save me? I don’t know, but I feel that I want to know that even in the darkest of moments, someone would come and physically stop me from going down a path where I never come back. In Noragami Volume 7, there was a moment where Yato saved a suicidal student and told him to never kill himself in front of him. I want to be the person to stop someone from ending their life.

It’s funny, right? I have thoughts about dying several times throughout my life, but I don’t want anyone to end their lives in front of me or other people. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to understand how I felt. No one should. The thoughts I have can be warped and frightening to many.”

Here’s the sad thing - I considered suicide a year later after this post. I felt someone wanted me to go away for good. Someone did save me though. And then stuff happened that led me to question relationships (which thankfully got a lot better as the years went on). 

But after it was said and done, starting around 2017, I began to stop hating myself. I still have doubts from time to time and I realize that it’s okay to think about them. The world still treats people with mental illness and mental health problems like crap, so I decided to be more forward in learning how to best fight that kind of discrimination. I practiced self-compassion over self-esteem. That was the start of limiting my social media presence in an attempt to not feel pressured by external validation. This year, before the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I also stopped attending therapy with mutual agreement from my social worker and psychiatrist. I felt like I can finally start to manage things on my own. 

It took 20 years to reach that point and I have felt some shame that I’m not at the level of my peers that are the same age as me. I’m getting close to 40, but feel like a 30 year old. I try not to compare too much with other people because honestly, they probably have gone through tough times as much as I have. Maybe not to the extent of a mental illness, but certainly stuff that makes them question life.

Compared to how I was 5 years ago, I’m more reflective and compassionate. I’ve embraced all parts of my humanity. While people believe I’m a good person, I know I can be capable of hurting people in terrible ways in times of duress. I don’t have this highly inflated positive view of myself. In a way, that’s kept me grounded. I dislike it when people say that they’ll never be this way or feel that way. The blunt truth is that life will test you in so many ways and you’re going to make mistakes (sometimes horrible ones) whether you like it or not. Admitting that you’re wrong about certain things is something I wish more people were receptive to doing. Humility is truly a mind healer when cultivated properly.

I’ll end this with some lines from the video game NieR: Automata. I finally played it this year and the game left such a grand impression on me. I loved its emphasis on trying to find meaning even when everything about the world is questionable. NieR: Automata reminded me why and so many fans LOVE Japanese pop culture media. The game gets very depressing, but I found out that the game’s creator, Yoko Taro, received messages from fans who wanted to kill themselves, saying that NieR: Automata gave them hope to live. In the true ending and without giving out heavy spoilers, one character poses a question to another about the cycle of trauma happening again for a certain group of characters that went through so much due to story events, the responding character said this,

“I cannot deny the possibility. However, the possibility of a different future also exists. A future is not given to you. It is something you must take for yourself.”

I now feel that I got some strength to take a future for myself and hopefully people I care about. I finally understand what it means to take care of myself compared to 5 years ago. My “manga series” may end one day, but I’m glad to spend a good part of it writing here. I look forward to exploring myself further on this blog, thanks to you all.

[dxmedstudent]

what do you think every woman should know?

Sometimes you’ll have to work harder to be taken seriously. It’s not you, it’s them.

There’s no ‘one right way’ to be a woman. Trans women are women. Cis women are women. Regardless of your age, ethnicity, sexuality etc, you have every right to feel included and to feel that your way of being a woman is valid.

You don’t need makeup to look and feel nice. No matter what it feels like, you don’t look rubbish without makeup. You look normal. It’s just that looking normal has been pathologised. This also goes with body grooming or fashion. 

Your weight isn’t a signifier of your worthiness or right to exist. The media is sending you messages that you are fat and therefore unworthy, almost regardless of what your weight is. You are amazing, no matter what your size, and you can work towards being healthy at any size.

Take care of your body. I don’t mean being ‘instagram fit’, I mean do what you can within the limits of your life and health, to make things a bit better for yourself. We are all probably quite unfair on our bodies a lot of the time, but we can do what we can to look after ourselves a bit better.

Your body is wonderful, and it does so much to keep you alive and let you experience the world. Even if it’s not perfect, try to remember all the awesome things it does.

Forget the people telling you that you need a partner and kids to be complete. There will always be someone out there who can’t see the achievements in your life because they are busy trying to make you fit their idea of what life should be like. Life is for your enjoyment. Do what you want in life, not what people expect of you. Honestly, relationships and kids only work if you actively want to make these things work. Don’t rush in, and don’t settle for that life out of some obligation that you have to. There’s no prize for getting married or having kids early. 

Conversely, there’s nothing wrong with having marriage and kids as goals for your own personal life. These are both great things; I certainly think so. If they are something you want, recognise that you need to give your life the space and opportunities for this to happen, but that we cannot deal with people in the way that we pass exams or work our way towards a promotion. Life can give us no guarantees of these things, no matter how hard you ‘work towards’ them. So, give your life the space for these things to develop, but if they take a bit longer, or do not happen, that is not a failure on your part.

Many people with abnormal periods don’t know that their periods are more heavy or painful than usual. Needing to change pads frequently, for example hourly or more frequently is serious and needs to be checked out. You don’t need to suffer alone.

Your body is yours, and you choose what happens to it. You don’t owe anything to anyone when it comes to your body. There is really no rush to become sexually active; whenever is right for any person may be different. There’s no ‘prize’ for losing your virginity or having sex after that; the only benefit is the activity itself. If you don’t want it, you absolutely don’t have to have it. The first time or any other time.

If someone loves you, it won’t feel like a struggle or like constant hurt. You’ll feel respected, valued. Treated like a person. I’m not saying things will be perfect; there will be disagreements, miscommunications and general human stuff; people in relationships or friendships are still fallible. but underneath it all, there should always be respect and a willingness to work together.

If people leave your life, that’s OK. It’s sad, and nobody wants it to happen, but these things are a part of life. Some people will fade out, others will burst out. Sometimes it’ll be slow andsubtle - you’ll barely realise you’ve drifted apart. And at other times, it’s like your heart is being ripped out. In many ways, it’d be hard to stay equally close with everyone forever, as we pick up more and more friends and move to different places, so don’t feel bad if things are not quite as they used to be; cherish the memories, and enjoy what you have now.  There will always be other people there to make life interesting and worthwhile.

When people join your life, give it time to see what develops. Keep your mind open; there’s always space for new friends, and you never know the kind of place someone might occupy in your life in the future. We tend to assume that our old friends will be the only people in our lives, but new people can enrich our life at any point, in unexpected ways.

Some people lie. So don’t give any more trust to strangers than they are due. People you are still getting to know can have a vested intetest in lying to achieve their own agenda. Your trust is precious; it should be earned based on people’s actions, because only when their words and actions agree can you believe that people are being sincere. But sometimes, no matter how well you thought you knew people, you might still get it wrong. Or maybe they just weren’t quite the person you thought. That’s not your fault.

You will get hurt. Things won’t turn out like you hoped and all sorts of things will go wrong. But things will also get better, the pain will become less, and good things will happen, too. 

Life can be so much fun.

[corvusthecryptid]

Why Deceit Doesn’t Inherently Need a Trigger Warning (A Hot Take by Jay)

Deceit from Sanders Sides does not inherently need to be tagged with a trigger warning any more than the other sides do. The only reason we are expected to is because the fandom is projecting, as well as forcing their headcanons onto others. In this longer-than-any-paper-I’ve-written-for-school essay, I will explain why Deceit only needs to be tagged on a case-by-case basis.

Everyone is projecting onto Deceit. The biggest reason that he “needs” to be tagged is because all of you are projecting your negative experiences onto him. Anyone who claims that he reminds them of people who caused them trauma is 100% projecting, because we haven’t seen enough of him to know if he acts like anyone. It’s like saying, “This person looks vaguely like someone I dislike so they need to be tagged.”

And let me be clear, this is not inherently bad! If you are uncomfortable as a result of bad experiences, that is totally valid! But quit acting like it’s an issue with the character instead of an issue with yourself.

No one is expected to put a trigger warning on any Virgil content. I’m gonna be honest, the way Virgil acts is pretty comparable to someone who was really harmful to me, from the way he’s super sarcastic to how he goes out of his way to scare people and then swears its “for their own good” in some way, there are many comparisons I could make to someone who honestly messed me up. But because Virgil is everyone’s dark strange son, no one is inherently expected to tag him.

Yes, I could ask people to tag him. And I would be totally valid to do so if he made me uncomfortable enough! But the entire fandom isn’t expected to tag each and every account of Virgil in a story. There aren’t blogs dedicated to whether or not Virgil is in a given episode of the series. People don’t throw a fit if Virgil is mentioned but there’s no trigger warning.

The same could be said for Logan! In the moving on episode, he was incredibly hurtful to the whole group when he left. And he left out of anger. He hurt the group, especially Patton, because he was angry. And when he came back, he didn’t apologize. He made them apologize to him instead. Thinking about that moment makes my skin crawl, because all I can think of is how reminiscent of my ex that it.

But no one is expected to tag every mention of Logan. And again, I could ask people to! And I’d be valid to do so! Just as anyone with trauma or bad experiences is valid to ask for anything to be tagged. But if I were to ask people to add a trigger warning for mentions of Logan, then it would be something going on with me, not with the character Logan. It would be an issue I have, not an issue with the character.

The same thing can be applied to Patton! Or Roman! Patton’s whole thing with being overbearingly nice to Virgil is honestly a bit creepy, when looked at from a certain direction. Roman almost always carries a sword, what if he uses it for something violent? Remy gives off creepy vibes, to be honest; like the kind of guy who continually flirts even when it’s unwanted. Obviously these are three somewhat far-fetched examples, but you know what else is far-fetched? The idea that because Deceit gives off creepy vibes means he’s abusive and awful.

Again, if you individually are freaked out by Deceit, that is valid! Anyone is allowed to be uncomfortable about anything! But it isn’t fair that I can’t see anything about a huge comfort character to me without it being hidden behind a trigger warning. Not when that doesn’t apply to any other character in the fandom.

I am genuinely uncomfortable with the character Emile Picani. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I am. I see content of him and my blood runs cold, and if it’s in a story I’m reading then the rest of the story is probably ruined for me. You do not see me running around to every single blog that posts Sanders Sides content, and demanding they tag every mention of him. Because I know this is a me problem. The same applies to everyone “triggered” by Deceit(I use quotation marks here because some people in the fandom don’t know the difference between a trigger and just being uncomfortable).

Deceit as a character is not inherently triggering. He is not shown to be abusive, and certainly not moreso than the main cast of characters are to each other. He has not canonically committed any crimes or brought any harm to anyone. The worst thing he did was pretend to be someone else to try and protect Thomas. And yet he is treated as if he was some horrible, abusive person.

It is fine if you headcanon Deceit as being awful, just like it is fine if I headcanon the other four canon sides the same! But it becomes an issue when those headcanons are forced onto people. And when you say “you need to tag Deceit because he’s abusive” that is exactly what you are doing.

The point of this post is not to invalidate any trauma or negative emotions. If you personally feel that Deceit is an uncomfortable character to see content of, then that is valid, and you are entitled to those feelings. And I don’t mean to claim that Deceit shouldn’t be tagged at all. I simply feel that it’s unfair to say he needs to be meticulously tagged because he’s oh-so triggering, but the same applies to no one else.

In conclusion, I believe people should treat tagging Deceit as they would treat tagging fish, or cursing. There are some people who are uncomfortable with these things, and that is valid. If someone asks you to tag content with him, that is valid and you should listen to it just as you would if someone asked you to tag computer glitches or scissors. But it is not fair to assume everyone will always tag the character, and it is not fair to act as though everyone who doesn’t tag the character is suddenly the scum of the earth.

[cambridge-lovers-knot]

I feel that I should give an explanation as to why I am upset over Meghan and Harry stepping back, and why I’ve grown to dislike them over the past two years.

My dislike for the couple does not come from a place of racism. As a white British woman, it is to be expected that people would assume I don’t like Meghan because she is a mixed race woman, but that isn’t the case. I recognize the privilege that I have as a white woman, and for the past few years I have been making a conscious effort to unlearn my racist behaviors and be more aware of the issues that people of colour face. When their engagement was first announced, I was very excited to have a mixed race member of the Royal Family. I thought that the monarchy was taking a step in the right direction, and I appreciated that there would be better representation in the RF for British POCs. I have been disappointed (although not entirely surprised) by the racist media coverage of Meghan, such as the “straight outta Compton” headline and the awful things said about Archie’s heritage, and the Sussexes have every right to be angry with the media over those articles. In addition to her race, I also didn’t care that she is American, an actress, or that she has previously been married. Those things are unimportant and are used as petty reasons to dislike her by people who are reluctant to admit that they don’t like her because of her race.

However, there are genuine grievances I have with the couple that have been building up since before their wedding. My opinion of Meghan was first altered upon watching their engagement interview. She came off as extremely phoney and disingenuous; there was something about her that rubbed me the wrong way, and as someone who has a knack for picking up on a person’s true character, I’ve learned to trust my intuition. There were also the reports that in the lead up to the wedding, Meghan and Harry were making requests that were a little out of line, and throwing fits when things didn’t go their way (which tiara Meghan wanted to wear, the air fresheners at Windsor Castle, reducing the Duchess of Cambridge to tears over Princess Charlotte’s dress). 

I, like millions of others, watched their wedding. I thought that her veil was a bit dramatic, but whatever, not that important overall. The ceremony was lovely; I especially liked that Prince Charles walked her partially down the aisle. I thought that it showed the affection between them, and displayed the RF’s desire to make Meghan feel welcome. 

A few weeks after the wedding, Meghan attended her first Trooping the Colour. She wore that now-infamous off-the-shoulder pink dress, and received backlash for it. My issue with that dress is not that she bared her shoulders, as almost every royal woman has at some event, but that she did it in that context. Trooping the Colour is a very formal, daytime event, and it is inappropriate to wear a dress like that. There must have been advisers who told her that that dress was inappropriate, and yet she wore it anyway. This was the first indication of the lack of respect Meghan holds for the institution, which she has continuously displayed ever since. Other instances off the top of my head would be her not wearing a hat when she was told that the Queen would be wearing one, wearing dark nail polish, not wearing stockings, and several instances when her hemlines have been far too short. Again, my issue is not that she broke protocol; it is that she has broken protocol at almost every single public appearance, despite the fact that she has a team of advisers to guide her. Her repeated offences have shown her lack of respect towards those who have greater experience than her, and shows that she thinks she knows best when it comes to representing the monarchy. 

Another issue I have is the frequent reports that she mistreats staff. There is no excuse for that, and I believe all those reports to be true because of the number of staff that the Sussexes have lost in such a short amount of time. There must be a reason that those people wanted to give up such a highly desired position, and it comes down to the fact that Harry and Meghan don’t treat them well. 

I also believe that Meghan has narcissistic personality disorder. My gran has NPD, and I recognise many of the traits in Meghan. She has exhibited a grandiose sense of self, as well as her sense of entitlement, need for admiration, her obsession with designer clothes that cost more than the average Brit earns in a year, the fact that she has repeatedly surrounded herself with rich and famous friends who she subsequently drops when they are no longer useful to her, her need for validation from the press and public, and the childish tantrums that she throws behind closed doors while presenting herself as sweet and kind in public. There is also something in her expression that leads me to believe she has NPD; you get the impression from her gaze that she is putting on an act in order to garner sympathy. In the ITV documentary, I didn’t buy her crocodile tears for one second because they were so obviously put on. 

Her familial background also points towards narcissistic personality disorder. Now, I don’t begrudge Meghan for cutting off her paternal family. They are obviously toxic people who have proven they can’t have a healthy relationship with her. However, I don’t doubt that their negativity has affected Meghan. Growing up with a family like that, it’s almost impossible to not develop some type of personality disorder. So while she can’t be faulted for having an awful family, they do serve has another reason to believe that she has NPD.

And then, there are all the times that she has desperately tried to gain attention. They chose to announce their pregnancy at Princess Eugenie’s wedding, which, for the majority of sane people, is an incredibly rude thing to do. Their reasoning was that the entire family was present to hear their good news, but that’s a ridiculous reason to try to steal the spotlight from the bride on her special day. Harry and Meghan were living at Kensington Palace at the time; they could have popped on over to their relative’s homes whenever to announce the pregnancy. They absolutely did not have to do it at the wedding. And all throughout her pregnancy, Meghan insisted on clutching her baby bump like she was afraid it was about to pop off. The way she constantly drew attention to her pregnancy by rubbing her stomach and making sure her coats weren’t hiding her bump seemed very contrived. Another attention-seeking moment was on the South Africa tour, when they gave that interview to complain about how difficult their lives are. They were in South Africa to bring attention to the issues and causes there, but instead they had to make it about themselves and attempt to garner pity from the public. I’m sorry, but nothing they could have said would make me feel sympathy for two people who live in a publicly-funded mansion, take publicly-funded trips around the world, have a nanny, housekeepers, and assistants to help run their household, and never have to worry about money.  Yes, the British press can be brutal, but in my opinion that is the price you pay in order to enjoy the incredible privilege of being a member of the Royal Family. In a time when many Brits are struggling, it was unbelievably callous and selfish of the Sussexes to complain about how hard their incredibly privileged lives are. They are so out of touch with the real world it’s almost laughable. And, most recently, they had to make their announcement that they are stepping down the day before Catherine’s birthday. That doesn’t bother me because they took the spotlight off of Catherine, which is honestly a ridiculous claim, but because that announcement inevitably caused pain and stress to the Cambridges, and it was selfish to do that to them on her birthday. They could have waited until they got the go ahead from the Palace to make their announcement.

The Sussexes’ decision to step down bothers me for several reasons. Firstly, it’s very transparently related to the perceived unfair treatment of the press. If they are no longer senior royals, and do not take part in the royal rota, then the press would be seen as overstepping their bounds if they continue to report on Meghan and Harry. Again, as two people who enjoy incredible privilege and positions of power, it’s not unreasonable for them to also have to endure media attention, whether positive or negative. It’s evident that Meghan greatly enjoys the positive attention, and can’t stand to tolerate the negative attention (again, this points towards NPD), as evidenced by their willingness to give interviews when it is guaranteed to benefit them, but anger with press attention when the media points out their wrongdoings and hypocrisies. Secondly, they claim to want to be “financially independent”, but are still intending on receiving millions of pounds a year from Prince Charles. That’s not financial independence. They should be embarrassed to be in their late 30′s and still expecting a monthly allowance from Harry’s father if they aren’t going to be putting in the requisite work. They have a net worth of tens of millions of pounds already; how much money do you possibly need? Saying that you still need more each year is tone deaf to the financial struggles of the average Brit and incredibly out of touch with the real world. Thirdly, they have trademarked “Sussex Royal” and are clearly planning on using their “brand” to sell merchandise. That would be an embarrassment to the institution of the monarchy and is completely disrespectful towards the crown. If Meghan and Harry intend on stepping down, spending the majority of their time in North America, and not accepting public funds, but still profit off their titles, then they shouldn’t be expected to keep those titles. They clearly view them as status symbols and a source of income, not as the symbols of responsibility and duty that they are. They have every right to give up their places in the RF and raise their son in a normal environment, but if they choose to exercise that right, then it must be all or nothing. They can’t have one foot in and the other out. They can’t continue to reap the privileges of royalty without carrying the responsibilities and burdens. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I am not a “Cambridge stan” (my url comes from the fact that the Cambridge Lover’s Knot is my favorite tiara), and my negative views on Harry and Meghan don’t stem from my positive views on the Cambridges. I think it’s pathetic to compare the two couples and pit them against each other. 

[islareeveswriting]

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Grief comes in waves.

It was true, and Molly was sailing through them as best she could. It felt cruelly ironic that the one person she could think to go to when she was feeling the way she was, the one person’s advice and words she wanted over anyone one else’s, was the same person that had her feeling the way she was. It felt disgustingly unfair that Clive was gone, it was meant to get better for him after the operation, life was meant to start again, he was meant to be able to get out and do all the things he’d missed - swim in the sea, ride his bike, climb the Trundle and watch the horses. Molly couldn’t wrap her head around how life could be so cruel to the kindest, warmest soul she’d ever known.

It hadn’t been a week since she’d crumbled in the hospital corridors, since she’d walked into the room where Clive laid, after his family had done the same, with Harry by her side. If she hadn’t known better she could have believed he was just sleeping soundly, the most peaceful sleep he’d ever had. Whenever it got hard she remembered that, thought about that. People kept telling her it would get easier, her mother said as much, though it felt like she didn’t really understand why Molly was so upset at all - wasn’t he just the man that owned the cafe Molly frequented. If that had been the case surely everything would have been easier, but Clive was so much more than that to Molly, and that only became more obvious the less easy it got.

It didn’t get easier, not really, Molly just became more numb to it. It got easier to hold the tears back because she was so exhausted of crying, not because she didn’t feel like she needed to cry anymore. Food became palatable again because she was bored of hearing people tell her she needed to eat, not because she had any appetite. Sleep came easier because her eyes literally couldn’t stay open any longer, not because her mind had stopped whirring through it all over and over again. If anything it got harder, with every twenty four hours that slogged past, it was just another twenty four hours without Clive, another twenty four hours of confirmation that he was really gone. Grief never got easier, it just got easier to deal with. It never subsided, the coping methods just became more habitual.

The only person who seemed to realise that was Harry. He never told her it would get easier, he never suggested she eat some food, get some fresh air or some sleep when she was having a bad day, or a bad hour, or even a bad five minutes. If anyone knew what the gaping hole inside Molly felt like, it was Harry. And if hers was as big and dark as it was, she couldn’t even imagine how Harry’s must feel. But he never told her to pull herself together and keep her head up like her dad had, or simply tell her it would all be ok like her mum had, he didn’t try and offer empty sympathies or pointless reassurances, only ever validated how she was feeling, never made her feel stupid for crying or getting in her head, or being upset.

Molly knew Clive wasn’t family, and perhaps it was a strange friendship to anyone looking on who didn’t really know Clive, but to Molly Clive had been vital, and though he’d never told as much, she felt like she’d become as important to him. He was the comfort and familiarity of home when she was far from home. Molly had never been able to put her finger on why, or how he’d made her feel that way, but he just did. And Molly supposed that the fact that it was just the way it was, spoke louder than if there’d been a very specific reason that she’d been able to point out clearly to anyone who asked. It was just something about Clive. In her head he was there on her wedding day, sat with her grandparents, if she had children they’d all know him as uncle Clive, and he’d always give her the tips on the horses every Saturday. Clive was as much a part of her life as Jimmy or Lauren, or anyone else she considered a close and good friend.

And he was gone.

Molly hadn’t missed much of university, only two lectures, things were winding down for the end of the year, but assessment week was coming up, and Molly had a project mood board to finish and revision to do. It was filling her time, keeping her mind occupied, and whoever had told her that would help hadn’t been lying. It was easier to get on when her mind was occupied with uni work. Harry had offered to stay home with her, because as of yet she hadn’t left his flat, apart from a quick trip to hers to pick up a few more clothes and get a few hugs from her housemates. Jimmy asked when she’d be coming home, and Molly didn’t know. Driving past the cafe, still with the sign blu tacked to the inside of the door that Louis had put there after closing on the Saturday, was hard enough, let alone walking past it everyday to get to town or uni or the bus stop. Jimmy just nodded, hugged her again, and let her go before the tears in their eyes were let out.

It was a beautiful sunny day, Thursday, four days since, and Molly was up and dressed, a coffee at Harry’s table and surrounded by revision materials. Windows were open and she could hear the birds outside singing sweetly. It was hard not to smile, and Molly found herself doing so. Keep smiling Little Lady. Clive’s voice came to her. It hadn’t done so since she last spoke to him, but she realised that might have been because she’d been trying not to think about his voice at all. It took her by surprise how easily it came to her and her eyes began to prick a little. She looked out to the bright blue sky, and with tears in her eyes, smiled big and bright. She’d been fighting not to hear his voice, now she was going to start fighting to never forget how he sounded when he told her to keep smiling.

The sound of the front door opening made her jump and she snapped her head to look over her shoulder. Her vision was still a little blurry, but she blinked quickly to clear it and see Harry striding through the door with a little Lola ahead of him. Molly grinned quickly, she hadn’t been expecting Harry, he was meant to be at work, and she certainly wasn’t expecting Lola, but it was amazing how quickly she felt lighter and full of something warmer as the little girl ran towards her with a bright beaming smile on her face.

“Lolly,” Lola cried, arms stretching to the ceiling as got closer, Molly chuckled reaching for Lola as she turned in her seat and picked her up off the floor. “Are you ok? Uncle Harry said you might be a bit sad,” Lola told Molly, her eyes going wide, leaning back off Molly’s shoulders to check over her face.

“I’m ok sweetheart, how are you?” Lola just nodded and wrapped her arms around Molly’s neck hugging her tightly. Molly looked up to Harry who gave her a soft smile and silently asked if she was ok, obviously being able to see the dampness that had been in her eyes. Molly nodded and smiled back at him, and he seemed to accept it. “So have you come to see me?” Molly asked, Lola’s arms unlinking and sitting back.

“Yes, and...” Lola shuffled off Molly’s lap and ran back to Harry, leaving her sentence hanging in the air, and  hunting in the bag Harry was holding for something. Molly sat and waited, Harry falling to a crouch to help Lola find what she was looking for. Eventually she turned back to Molly with a brown paper wrapped bouquet of flowers. “I chose these for you,” Lola grinned walking back to Molly, being overly careful with the flowers.

“Excuse me?” Harry chimed in with a chuckle. Lola glanced back at Harry who was staring down at her with a cocked eyebrow.

“Uncle Harry helped a bit,” Lola mumbled handing Molly the flowers. Molly looked at them and smiled, sniffing them gently before glancing back at Lola.

“They’re beautiful Lola, thank you,” Molly smiled, leaning forward and giving Lola a sweet kiss on her cheek. “Do you know what they are?” Molly asked, and Lola nodded excited.

“Uncle Harry told me, this is roses,” Lola told Molly pointing to one of the soft pink roses, and Molly nodded with a smile, her heart warmed by the image of Lola and Harry in the florists going over the name of the flowers they picked, starting with Molly’s favourites, the ones Harry bought her time and time again. “Dragons,” Lola continued pointing at the pink snapdragons, “Lily of…” Lola hesitated and looked back to Harry behind them who stepped closer then, kneeling beside Lola.

“Lily of the Incas,” Harry reminded her with a smile and Lola nodded, looking back to Molly and grinning.

“Lily of Incas, and this one,” Lola grinned happily, pointing to the last flower that Lola could have told Molly was called anything, and Molly would have been none the wiser.

“Waxflower,” Harry reminded Lola softly, and Lola nodded, still just grinning up at Molly.

“They’re beautiful thank you, and good job remembering them all, you’re so clever,” Molly smiled again, sitting up and placing the flowers behind her.

“I want to make flowers when I’m big,” Lola told Molly, sweetly grasping her hands together in front of her.

“Yeah?” Molly asked, picking Lola back up to place her on her lap, as Harry got back up to his feet and lugged the full shopping bag through to the kitchen.

“Yeah, or be a stick insect keeper,” Lola admitted and Molly nodded, still smiling, spinning on the chair a little so she could rest her back against it again.

“Well Lola, you can be anything you want to be,” Molly told her honestly, and tucking some of her ringlets behind her ears that had fallen from the little ponytail her hair had been tied in.

“Uncle Harry says so too,” Lola smiled with a little nod, eyes moving to glance at her godfather, unpacking food from the bag. Harry just smiled back at her.

“Well Uncle Harry knows what he’s talking about,” Molly said, following Lola’s gaze towards Harry. “He’s pretty clever too.”

“Mummy says he’s stupid sometimes,” Lola shrugged, and Molly instantly frowned the reaction instantaneous.

“Did she?” Molly asked, still with eyebrows dipped a little. In her peripheral vision, Molly could see Harry staring over at them, frozen, the bag of shopping forgotten, but Lola’s eyes were staring at Molly’s necklace, the same one she’d been wearing when she’d last seen Lola, and Molly’s eyes were fixed on the top of Lola’s head, not really wanting to see the look on Harry’s face.

“Yes she was on the phone and she said bloody Harry so stupid some-,”

“Whoa, less of that thank you missy,” Harry chimed in then, and both Lola and Molly flicked there eyes to Harry. There was a deep dark crease between his eyebrows and a stern look in his eyes that matched the harst straight line his mouth had formed into.

“Mummy s-”

“I don’t care, you’re in my house now and we don’t talk like that,” Harry told her, and Lola nodded a little, swallowing and lifting her fingers to her mouth. Molly could hear his tone of voice, and she knew it came from a place of frustration for Ellie more than a place of anger for Lola. “That sounds like one of those adult conversations you weren’t meant to be listening to again,” Harry challenged, cocking an eyebrow towards the ceiling. Lola didn’t say anything, just dropped her head to look at Molly’s knees and her own feet dangling between them. “What have we told you about eavesdropping Lola?” Harry asked sternly, hand moving to his hip.

“Sorry,” Lola whispered.

“That’s ok, but you mustn’t do it again.” Lola again just nodded, and Molly saw Harry swallowing on nothing. Clearly it wasn’t as easy as Harry made it seem to tell Lola off. “Right, can you go and wash your hands if you want to help me make the picnic,” Harry told her, and Molly tapped Lola’s leg gently to encourage her down. Lola slid off of Molly’s lap, Molly holding her waist to keep her from going too quickly or all at once, before she trotted off down the hallway towards the bathroom.

“She’s nearly four, what is she going to be like when she’s nearly fourteen,” Harry sighed, shaking his head to himself as he moved around the kitchen sorting out the food he’d bought for their apparent picnic.

“She’s intuitive,” Molly smiled. For Molly it was endearing to see Lola so clued into the world around in every way, it made her sympathetic to emotions and feelings, and even Molly knew that was rare for a child of Lola’s age. However, Molly could also see how it might be a problem, Lola understanding so much. Sometimes too much. “So a picnic?” Molly asked when Harry didn’t say anything else on the matter.

“Yeah, thought we’d head out to Priory and enjoy the sun,” Harry suggested, glancing up to Molly from the cherry tomatoes he was cutting in half and placing into a plastic tub.

“Didn’t know you had the afternoon off?” Molly asked, slightly narrowing her eyes. In fact she could remember him leaving her in bed that morning, telling her he’d be back around six ish, as he was working out of town and was bound to get stuck in traffic getting home.

“Ellie asked if I could have Lola for the afternoon, last minute, she had to go into work for a few hours or something,” Harry started, with a small shrug, still focused on the tomatoes. “I don’t want to be inside fitting a kitchen when it’s like this and when I’ve got you at home, so seemed like a good excuse to sack the afternoon off,” Harry told her, glancing to her again and offering a smile, Molly gave the same in return but didn’t say anything. Harry’s hands dropped the knife and reached for the cucumber he’d fetched from the fridge, beginning to chop it into bite size chunks perfect for a little mouth to chew on without the fear of choking. “Got tomorrow off as well, she’s gonna stay the night,” Harry told Molly, eyes fully on the small, child friendly, salad he was making. But Molly read between the lines just fine, without having to see his face, or more to the point or his eyes.

“Right, so did Ellie really ask you for a hand, or did you think it would just be good for me to have Lola around?” Molly asked with a slight sigh. All he’d been was gentle and kind for the past few days, and Molly appreciated it, of course, but she didn’t want him going out of his way, leaving work early, taking unnecessary days off, for her.  

“Both,” Harry admitted, seemingly unfazed, and unapologetic with his honesty.  “Ellie really did need a hand,” Harry started again, looking up to Molly, the knife in his right hand frozen and lingering over the cucumber he was still working away at. “But I asked if we could have her for the night and tomorrow as well,” Harry told her.

“You didn’t need to,” Molly sighed, moving to get to her feet, her feet were bare and slapped against the cold floor as she padded to the breakfast bar, leaning over it across from Harry.

“I wanted to,” Harry told her, again putting the knife down and wrapping the cucumber up again, closing the plastic tub and moving it the side, carrying on with working his way through preparing the picnic food. “You ok? You looked a little upset when we came in?” Harry asked, and Molly nodded though she looked down at her hands, clasped together over the stone worktop that was a cool reverie to her warm skin. Even with the windows open and the heating off, the flat was still warm, and even though her legs were bare, Molly didn’t want to take off the oversized cardigan she’d been pulling on over her clothes everyday.

“Yeah I just- this sounds mental, I heard his voice,” Molly admitted quietly, frowning to herself and swallowing on nothing. Harry just nodded though, even when Molly was staring down at her arms, bundled in the thick pink knit of her cardigan, she saw him nod, no words, and so she carried on, wondering if speaking out loud would help her make any more sense of what had happened and the way it made me feel. “Was weird, came from nowhere, I think I’d been trying not to think about it, but I heard him telling me to keep smiling, like he does-did when I was stressing or something,” Molly explained, glancing up then. Harry had stopped what he was doing and was looking across at her, watching her eyes begin to fill again and fighting the urge to race around the breakfast bar and pull her into his arms. He’d held her tight so many times as she cried, sometimes she needed it, but Harry also knew sometimes she didn’t, sometimes she just needed him to stand there and listen to what she was saying, and knowing the difference was crucial, but he’d do his best to do whatever she needed of him. “I’m scared I’ll forget it,” Molly whispered, but only because she knew she if spoke louder her voice would tremble and she might sob. Harry shook his head then, and his tongue rolled over his lips slowly, throat tightening before he spoke.

“I still hear Ida, telling me to behave, everytime I get a stupid idea, everytime I want to hit something, someone,” Harry told her, and rolled his lips together.

“Doesn’t work though,” Molly pointed out, tipping her head slightly. Harry just huffed a sort of laugh, one side of his mouth lifting a little as he shook his head.

“It didn’t very often back then either,” Harry told her.

“Bloody Harry, so stupid,” Molly snarked leaning closer over the breakfast bar, though Harry just rolled his eyes, moving to the fridge. It was half a joke, but there was a serious note to it that neither of them could ignore. The bruising and swelling on Harry’s face had virtually disappeared, there was a glimmer of a scab where his cheek had burst, and his lip was still yet to heal completely, but it wasn’t easy to forget that it wasn’t much over a week ago that he’d been broken and damaged. The memory made Molly feel sick, and she wished it would do the same to Harry. Part of it did, only not the part that led him to the bruises and the cuts, only the part where Molly saw them. “I wish you’d never want to hit anything or anyone,” Molly sighed, watching Harry as he fetched a chopping board.

“You sound like her, you’d have liked each other,” Harry told Molly, looking over his shoulder and smiling a little.

“You think so?” Molly asked, not being able to help the smile that bought onto her face. Harry nodded, the smile on his face natural and unnoticed by him at least. Molly swallowed on nothing, the mention of Harry’s sister reminded her of the conversation they’d been having in Ellie and Shane’s spare room before she’d got Louis’ call. They hadn’t finished, and she’d all but forgotten about it, the way Harry had been lingering over something else he wanted to say, wanted to admit. Everytime it came to her mind it made her feel sick as her head wandered into thoughts she’d rather not be having, but as soon as an appropriate time came to ask she found she didn’t want to, or she got distracted by Harry trying to keep her mind off other things with board games or movies or walks. It was in her mind then though, as Harry grated cheese with that soft smile on his face that he still didn’t seem to realise was there, and Molly could feel it bubbling up from her stomach, making its way through her throat to her vocal chords. “What were you-” Before Molly could get any further, before Harry could even register that he’d heard her beginning to talk, Lola was running from the bathroom towards them, eager to help Harry make the ham and cheese sandwiches she’d asked for, for their picnic. And so Molly let it go, let it slip from her mind, and let herself get embroiled with Lola and Harry for the day.

It was easy for Molly to lose herself in Harry and Lola. It had always been that way with Harry, he’d always had some sort of magic way of getting her to forget her worries, get her out of her head, and make her feel easy. The first time they’d spent any real time together, he’d helped her forget how upset she’d been about Ryan, and since then, time and time again, he’d pulled her out of the intricacies of her mind and into the simple easiness of just being. It was the same in the park that afternoon, and with Lola insisting Molly help her hunt for bugs, and kick around the football Harry had packed between the three of them, between snacking on the picnic food, it was even easier to at least ignore the gaping inside her.

Of course she didn’t forget, it wasn’t that easy or simple, in fact it was anything but. However, Molly found herself laughing properly for the first time in days, so much her cheeks ached and her stomach hurt and there were tears in her eyes that didn’t feel painful. There was a smile lingering on her face that Molly didn’t even notice was there until Lola was grinning up at her, giggling for no other reason than the fact Molly looked happy, at least according to Lola. Molly hadn’t seen Harry pack the camera, or pull it out of the bag, but it was the sound of the shutter that pulled Molly and Lola’s eyes away from one another. Harry was just smiling at them both, winding the film on once more, and grinning.

“Can I see?” Lola asked, letting go of Molly’s hands that she’d been holding, swinging back on Molly’s arms and laughing wildly as she fell through air, Molly’s hands keeping her from hitting the ground.

“There’s no screen on this camera angel,” Harry told her, reaching for Lola, clambering over bags and Harry’s legs to get close. “See,” Harry told lifting the camera so Lola could see the plain black back of it, where it opened for the film to go. “It’s a very old camera, it was my daddy’s camera when I was little,” Harry explained, and Molly listened on, her elbow resting on her knee. “You look through here,” Harry explained lifting the camera and pointing to the viewfinder, “and then take the photo, and in a few weeks we’ll be able to see the photos,” Harry explained, and Lola looked entirely perplexed by the whole notion of having to wait to see the photos, making Molly giggle to herself. “Do you want to take one?” Harry asked, and Lola nodded.

Molly watched on as Harry adjusted himself, lifting Lola onto his lap and lifting the camera over her head, the strap still around his neck, taking the weight of it. Harry told Lola to look through the viewfinder and she did so.

“Can you see Lolly?” Harry asked, and Lola nodded. “Is she blurry?”

“Little bit,” Lola told Harry, and so Harry lifted Lola’s small hand onto the focus ring beginning to twist it slowly.

“Is she getting clearer?” Again Lola nodded. “You tell me when she’s really clear,” Harry instructed, continuing to twist the ring between his and Lola’s hands.

“There,” Lola cried happily and their hands dropped again.

“You gonna press the button then?” Harry asked, his teeth biting into his bottom lip and twisting his head to watch as Lola lifted her hand and pressed the button. The shutter clicked loudly, capturing Molly looking straight back at them with a natural, careless, smile on her face. “Good job,” Harry smiled leaning over and pressing a kiss into Lola’s curls.

“I take one of you and Lolly now,” Lola asked, though it wasn’t worded as a question per se, the tone of Lola’s voice, and the way she looked up at Harry told Molly it was. Harry was hesitant, but eventually took the camera from around his neck and let Lola hold it alone.

“Is it too heavy?” Harry asked, but Lola shook her head, holding the camera in her little hands and staring down at it. “Be careful, if it gets heavy put it down, it’s ok,” Harry told her softly, getting to his feet and moving to sit next to Molly, well behind her. His legs mirrored hers, leaning around her, his chest pressed tightly against Molly’s back. “Make sure we’re not blurry angel,” Harry reminded Lola as she lifted the camera.

“Is not,” Lola told Harry, before moving her fingers a little clumsily towards the button. Without Harry the camera wasn’t as stable, and the photo would surely be blurred when it came back, but Harry and Molly smiled nonetheless and Lola seemed happy with herself when she put the camera carefully on the ground and ran back towards Molly and Harry, diving into them, sending them into a soft pile of laughing bodies.

They stayed there for a while, Lola on Molly’s tummy, Molly’s head on Harry’s chest, arms a matted mess of comfort and love. Molly felt warm from more than just the sun, and she could have laid there all day like that, but of course she knew she couldn’t, and eventually they called time on their day out and headed home for Lola to have her dinner and a bath before getting ready for bed.

“What made you decide to get your camera out?” Molly asked with a smirk as they headed towards the car, Lola on Harry’s hip, getting sleepy as she wound down from her excitement. Harry nodded, flicking his eyes to Molly.

“When you said the other day that I should, I decided you were right, so I did, dad wouldn’t want it collecting dust under my bed,” Harry told her, and Molly just lifted one side of her mouth, moving to wrap an arm around his middle and lay her head on his other shoulder. Really it was quite amazing how far they’d come, and it was moments like that, the way he spoke to her with nothing but honesty on his tongue or in his eyes, that Molly realised it. When they’d met, he was just the young man who fixed her door, bought her cocktails, and made her feel like they’d known one another forever. Now he was that, but so much more, and Molly realised how little she could really suppose to know anyone, but perhaps that wasn’t the bad thing she’d once thought it was, perhaps it wasn’t as scary as she supposed it to be before.

As they drove back to Harry’s flat, Molly could feel the heartache she’d almost forgotten about in the park clawing at her, tightening her throat and knotting her tummy. She refused to let it have its way with her, she refused to succumb to it. It was the new norm, and she knew she had to settle into it, and stop finding distractions in any little thing around her. That wasn’t a coping method, it was only making it harder, not dealing with it. She felt Harry’s hand on her knee, and it made her jump, but he didn’t apologise or take it away, just left his hand there, squeezing a little and focusing on the road. Molly supposed it would always be there, the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, and so instead of waiting for the world around her to settle back to the way it should be, she should adjust herself to how things were now. To who she was for having known, and lost, someone she was aware had such an influence on her life.

The flat was quiet and coated in a nearly navy blanket as the sun begun to fall below the horizon. The sun was that glorious shade of orange that was sharpened by the darkening sky, and everything felt intense. Molly loved it, and she couldn’t help but move to one of the windows and stare out at it. It was stunning, and sent shivers over her skin, as her eyes moved from the burning sun to the stars just beginning to peek through the darkening sky. There was about half an hour of light left, and Molly found herself wanting to enjoy every last second of it. But she didn’t, because there was things to do, and life to live. So whilst Harry got Lola bathed and changed into her pyjamas, Molly began cooking the simple pasta dish they’d decided to have for dinner.

They ate at the dining room table, chattering between them about anything and everything. Once they’d finished, Harry and Molly cleared away the table and sorted the kitchen, Lola getting comfortable on the living room floor with some paper and crayons. With the kitchen clean and tidy, Harry and Molly joined her, settling into the sofa with cups of tea, to just watch Lola draw. Harry had put some gentle music on, and the three of them bathed in the calmness of it all.

Lola was on her knees in the living room, folded over a piece of paper eagerly scribbling away with the coloured pens and crayons spilled around her. Harry didn’t seem to be worried about the marks she could potentially make on his floor, the way Molly's mother had. The band her hair had been tied up in was on the floor and her dark ringlets bounced down to her shoulders. Her eyes were fixed on the paper she was crouched over, her tongue poking out just a little as she concentrated, but even from the distance Molly could see how long her lashes were, and how they were just brushing against the round apples of her cheeks. Curled up like that, Lola appeared far more delicate that she really was, and Molly could have sat there with her nearly empty mug watching her create masterpieces forever.

Steadily Lola got to her feet, wobbling a little on her legs. The socks Harry had put back on her feet were baggy on her toes and bunching awkwardly, making it hard for her to walk, but she did so nonetheless, heading straight for Molly with her hand outstretched, her paper clasped in it, and a smile on her face that only rounded her cheeks more.

“This for you,” Lola grinned, clambering up into the space on the other side of Molly from Harry, and handing Molly the piece of paper in her hands.

“Oh thank you,” Molly smiled, taking the paper gently and casting her eyes over it. The drawing was a mass of colour and lines, but even to Molly’s untrained eye it was easy to spot the three people Lola had drawn, and exactly who they were, what with the orange hair one of them had, and the dark brown curls two of the others had, and the height difference. “Is this us?” Molly asked, and Lola nodded, looking down at the paper.

“Is you, and me, and Uncle Harry,” Lola explained pointing to each of the figures in turn. “And here’s a ladybug, and a flutterby, and a worm too,” Lola told Molly, still smiling brightly, and pointing to the little creatures she’d drawn.

“I love it,” Molly sung, turning to look down at Lola, who was staring up at Molly with a look of pride on her face. “It’s very good Lola,” Molly smiled, reaching her arm around Lola as the little girl moved into her side.

“Will you put it on your fridge?” Lola asked quietly, “Like Uncle Harry does?” She went on. Since Molly had met Lola she’d noticed the growing number of pictures gracing Harry’s fridge, and she’d wondered what he’d been doing with them before Molly had been introduced to Molly, but she never asked. It didn’t truly matter, not really, not in the grand scheme of things.

“Well, what if I put it in my bedroom instead, because I share my kitchen with my friends and I wouldn’t want it to get ruined,” Molly explained, and Lola seemed to think about the compromise for a second before nodding slightly.

“Why don’t you live with your mummy and daddy?” Lola asked, turning her head to look up at Molly with a look of concern and confusion on her face.

“My mummy and daddy live somewhere else, I live here with my friends because I go to big school here,” Molly tried to explain, though Lola’s face just crumpled more, her mouth moving to one side.

“But why don’t you live with Uncle Harry then?” Lola asked, and Molly couldn’t help but chuckle a little, though she felt Harry twitch suddenly beside her. Of course to Lola it was that simple, but in reality it wasn’t like that. For all Harry and Molly were doing, for how close and intimate they’d gotten, and for all the pet names, and quirks they’d come to know and adore, and for all the things they’d learned about one another, they’d never put a label on what they were, or what they were doing. Molly had never worried about it, or wanted it any other way, if her past relationship had taught her anything, it was that a label didn’t really mean anything, it didn’t make the relationship any stronger or any more likely to last, so what was the point. They were happy and that was all that mattered. The only part that bothered her occasionally, was that they’d never even had the conversation about what they were, Harry and never asked, and neither had she, and she didn’t know if they were both waiting for the other to do so, or if they were both hoping they could just skate past it and into something that meant more than a label. Regardless though, Molly knew she wouldn’t be living with Harry any time soon, especially when he jumped forward to stop Lola’s train of conversation before it could crash through any boundaries.

“Right missy, go and find yourself a book,” Harry instructed, grabbing Lola and setting her on the floor. “We’ll read it here, and then time for bed ok?” Harry bartered and Lola nodded, before toddling off to the bedroom and the box at the end of Harry’s bed, that Molly had once assumed was full of Harry’s things, but had since learned it was full of toys and books and all sorts of other things for Lola’s entertainment. “Sorry,” Harry mumbled, scratching the back of his neck, and Molly swore she could see a blush on his cheeks.

“Why?” Molly laughed. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Molly told him.

“Just a bit forward,” Harry suggested, raising his eyes to Molly slightly, peering at her out of the corner of his eyes, but Molly just shook her head. “Considering we’re just, well, y’know? Like…”Harry trailed off, but Molly shook her head again. “Well we’ve only been doing this a little while,” Harry decided on, and that time Molly nodded.

“Harry, your three year old goddaughter asked why I don’t live with you, you’re overthinking this, it’s not a big deal,” Molly told him with a smile, reaching for his hand. Harry nodded, and turned their hands to squeeze hers. Molly knew exactly what it was she was beginning to feel for Harry. It was scary, it always was, even more so now that it had been before. There were butterflies, but it was calm, he touched her and her mind and soul set alight with a warm fire that was addictive, but still. Harry made her feel calm and still, even when everything around her seemed to be going a million miles an hour. He made her feel safe, but she didn’t really know what that meant. It felt vague and silly, but it was true. All day long she could be scared of something she couldn’t really see, but the minute Harry walked into her day it felt like a huge sigh of relief, like being wrapped up in a winter coat against harsh elements, he put his arms around and any little anxiety flowed out of her. It was the strangest sensation, but one she couldn’t run from, and honestly never even thought about wanting to.

Molly’s phone rang loudly from the coffee table, spurring both her and Harry from the similar silence they’d fallen into without really realising. Molly jumped forward grabbing her phone.

“It’s Louis,” Molly told Harry quietly, suddenly anxious, suddenly fearful. It had been two days since she’d last spoken to Louis, and she had a feeling she knew why he was calling, and it felt a lot like the final goodbye, no going back, no denying it any longer.

“Answer it,” Harry told Molly with a nod, reaching for her back and placing his large warm hand over the smallest part of it, rubbing just slightly, very gently. “I’ll go check on Lola,” He told her and Molly nodded, turning back to her phone, answering the call.

“Hi Louis,” Molly spoke. Her voice came out strange, but only because she was focusing so hard on not crying, at least not yet, but also trying not to force something too chirpy. It was a weird line to tread and balance on, and Molly didn’t know what she was trying to prove or achieve with it.

“Hi, how you doing?” Louis asked, and Molly wondered how he sounded so strong, and how it was him asking her that when he was the one who had lost his father.

“I’m ok,” Molly supposed, nodding and getting to her feet. “How about you?” Molly asked.

“I’m ok, getting there I guess.” There was a slight catch in Louis’ voice, barely noticeable, but Molly noticed it though mainly because it was very similar to the one that continued to take her by surprise every now and again. Molly just nodded, not entirely sure what to say. “I just wanted to call to let you know that dad’s funeral is going to be next Friday,” Louis told her, his voice quieter. Molly wondered if he was at his parents house, if they’d just finalised plans, if they’d been sat around the table together, breathing deeply through the reality of what they were doing. Molly held her breath, hoping that would rid the lump in her throat that was surely going to make it hard to say anything at all. Again she just nodded, staring out of the window again, the sun virtually gone, and though Louis obviously couldn’t see that, he seemed to get the jist, carrying on with what he was saying. “Before everything, mum and dad were talking, he told her that if anything happened, he wanted you to do the eulogy.” Molly choked then, spluttering on the lump, clearing her throat loudly.

“What? Are you sure? Me?” Molly quizzed quickly, in utter disbelief at what she was hearing, turning on her heel back to the room behind her.

“What mum says, and to be honest, we all think it’s perfect,” Louis told Molly and she felt her heartbeat speeding up, it was more than anxiety, more than grief that Clive was gone, it was fear and panic and everything in between and either side. Molly began pacing, walking back and forward, from the window to the wall, and back again, staring down at her bare feet.

“What about friends? Family? Surely there’s someone more qualified than me,” Molly thought out loud.

“Molly, you are, were his friend, and he viewed as close to family as it gets, trust me, you’re as qualified as they come,” Louis told Molly, seemingly holding up far better than Molly was, the shock doing nothing for the way Molly was feeling. It had placated for a while, that odd gaping feeling, like something was missing, but it was back with full force, the world never quite letting her forget what was gone. She supposed it would always be that way, and she supposed in some sort of way that was a blessing, because she didn’t want to forget, she didn’t want to forget who Clive had been, what he’d done for her, shown her all the things that were holding her back, shaken her awake, made her really look at herself, properly, perhaps for the first time. “If you don’t want to, we understand, it’s a lot to ask, and we know it won’t be easy, and honestly it’s fine if you don’t think you can, but will you have a think about it? You don’t have to make your mind up right now,” Louis told her, and Molly was back to nodding silently.

“Ok yeah,” Molly told Louis quietly. Her mind was running away with her, she was already trying to envision herself stood in front of all those people there to say goodbye to Clive, and not being able to do anything but breakdown. “I’ll let you know,” Molly nodded. She didn’t want to say no, she didn’t want to let Louis down, or any of Clive’s family, but most of all Clive, but the fear in her tummy kept her from saying yes.

“I’m going to be opening the cafe Monday, just for a couple of hours until after the funeral, but I don’t want to leave it closed for too long, dad wouldn’t want it closed,” Louis told Molly, and she could hear his voice beginning to wobble. Clearly the idea of being in that place made Louis feel a similar sort of way to how it was making Molly feel, but she knew she had to say the words that came to her head.

“I’ll come in and see you, help you out, you don’t want to do that alone,” Molly told Louis. There was no way she could let him be in there on his own. If it wasn’t busy, if there weren’t enough people to take his mind off the fact his dad wasn’t right behind him telling he was rolling the dough wrong, or that the coffee machine needed cleaning, or the plates restacking, all from the comfort of his stool with a book, Molly was sure it would be unbearable. She wouldn’t want to do it alone, and she wouldn't make Louis do it either. Perhaps it wasn’t her place, it probably wasn’t, but the least she could do was offer in case there was no one else.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Louis asked, and Molly swore she heard a slight shadow of relief in his voice.

“Of course, I’ll come down with you,” Molly told Louis.

“Thank you,” Louis breathed, and it was almost as if he’d been waiting for someone to say that, but Molly could bet it wasn’t that his mother or brother hadn’t offered, it was just that Louis didn’t want to put them through it as well. “Well I guess I’ll see you Monday then?” Louis finished, and Molly agreed, saying their goodbyes slowly, before Molly hung up and clutched her phone to her chest, hovering between the living area and the kitchen, the tears that she forced back blinking over her vision so it was blurred.

“Everything ok baby?” Harry’s voice was behind her, and then her footsteps. Molly didn’t move, just dropped her head and rolled her lips together to keep a sob silenced, as a tear fell from her cheek and splattered on the floor. It was loud thanks to the silence of the flat, like a fat splat of rain on a warm day that sizzled as it hit the tarmac, the next one was hidden under the sound of Harry moving though, moving faster to Molly. His arms wrapped around her middle and pulled her back into him. “What’s happened?” He asked, his head moving to her shoulder a shuddery breath wracking Molly’s body.

“Clive wanted me to do his eulogy,” Molly whispered, wiping her hands over her cheeks and turning in Harry’s arms.

“Wow, what an honour,” Harry almost smiled, eyes wide and raking over Molly’s face, his hands still linked at the bottom of her back, one of his thumbs tracing a lace like pattern through her dress.

“I don’t think I can do it though,” Molly admitted dropping her eyes, just as terrified of saying that out loud as she was of actually doing the eulogy.

“Ok,” Harry nodded. “Well no one’s going to make you do it,” Harry told her.

“I just can’t even say his name without breaking down, how on earth am I meant to talk about his life and who he was, and look his family in his eye and keep myself together, I told Louis I’d go to the cafe Monday, and I’m dreading that, how can I possibly-”

“Whoa, Lolly, baby, calm down,” Harry hushed as Molly’s words began to roll into one breathless noise. “It’s ok, no one is going to make you do this if you don’t think you can do it, or if you don’t want to, no one’s going to think any less of you, it’s ok,” Harry assured again, and that calmness, that stillness, that safety, washed over Molly and steadily her breathing evened out as she stared back into Harry’s eyes. “Think about it for a second though, don’t rush into the decision, you’ve got time,” Harry told her and Molly nodded, supposing he was right.

“Why did he have to go?” Molly asked, her mouth downturning and her eyes filling again quickly.

“I don’t know,” Harry breathed, moving his hands up Molly’s back as her head fell onto his shoulder, sobbing into his t-shirt, soaking the fabric in seconds. There was no point trying to hush her, it was better just to let her cry, let her feel. It would only catch up with her later otherwise.

“I’m meant to be thinking about taking him to the horses, not if I can write and read his eulogy,” Molly hiccuped, twisting her head a little. “Why isn’t he here? He’d know what I should do,” Molly sighed, closing her eyes for a few seconds. Molly felt Harry lower his head onto hers, a soft kiss on her head settling her a little.

“I think he’s already told you what he thinks you should do, I suspect that’s why he asked for you,” Harry told her quietly, and Molly felt herself swallow on nothing as realisation hit home like a hurricane tearing through her. It came a little too forcefully and it knocked the wind out of her. Even when he was gone, Clive was still making her stand taller, holding her up to her own standards, and not letting her get away with anything less than what she really wanted.

“Why you crying Lolly?” Lola’s voice was fearful and high pitched, Harry slowly let go of Molly and turned to Lola.

“Lolly’s just a bit sad at the moment angel, one of her friends has gone to heaven,” Harry explained softly, eyes focused on Lola as her big green ones moved to Molly, sad and sorrowful.

“Like Rupert?” Lola asked, still looking up at Molly, who dropped to a crouch extending her arms to Lola to encourage her closer.

“Yeah, like Rupert,” Harry sighed, watching on as Lola took slow tentative steps to Molly.

“Rupert’s in heaven too, he was my bunny, but he was sick, so he had to go to heaven with the angels,” Lola told Molly softly, she had a big book in her hands, but she moved it into just one giving Molly her other hand to take. “Nana Nancy says there’s lots of cabbage and carrots up there for him though, so he’ll be happy,” Lola told Molly, who nodded with a soft smile. “What’s your friends name?” Lola asked with a small tilt of her head.

“Clive,” Molly told Lola.

“Do you think he’ll see Rupert in heaven?” Lola asked, as Molly took the book from Lola’s hands and lifted her up with her, resting Lola on her hip.

“Probably,” Molly told Lola with a nod. “I expect they’ll be great friends,” Molly went on and Lola nodded.

“I miss Rupert,” Lola admitted with a shaky sigh. Molly’s breath hitched inside her, something stabbing, but it eased quickly and Molly took a deep breath.

“That’s ok, it’s ok to miss him, I miss Clive too, but they’re up there watching over us, making sure we’re happy and they’re happy too,” Molly told Lola, stroking her hair as her head moved to rest on Molly’s shoulder. “Keep smiling little lady,” Molly whispered, kissing Lola’s head and glancing to Harry who was stood watching on for a few seconds, before he moved to the kitchen with an almost smile aimed at Molly.

Molly sat on the couch, resting Lola back on her, stroking her hair as her eyes got heavy and her thumb found her mouth. The book was forgotten and Lola drifted off peacefully on Molly’s lap. Harry joined them eventually, his eyes a little red and swollen, but no one said anything, he just sat beside them, cosied up as close as he could get and wrapped an arm around Molly.

“Can you pass my phone?” Molly asked, and Harry leaned forward to fetch it from the table where Molly had left it. Molly unlocked her phone and pulled up Louis’ number, hitting the message icon beside it. Harry watched over her as she typed.

I want to do the eulogy, thank you for asking me, it means a lot, see you Monday x

No one said a word, Harry just learnt closer, twisted Molly’s head so he could look her in the eyes and catch her lips with his. He let go after a few seconds and rested his forehead against hers, their eyes knotting in one anothers. It was the most peaceful Molly had felt in days, and she breathed it in as deep as she could, floating in the serenity of the moment.

Just a cute little softie chapter. Can it last though? Who knows?! Not me that’s for sure....ENJOYYY <3

Let me know your thoughts and theories for what’s you think is coming.

And have a fabulous weekend!

[firebirdsdaughter]

Onward!...

... To the O-T subs of Zi-O 21! Yay!

Also, fair warning, this will probably include spoilers for Ryuki. If anyone hasn’t watched it yet and doesn’t want anything spoiled.

In no order:

Still sad we didn’t get to see Geiz coming home. :(

Sworz and Herue’s family moment is still kinda sweet, despite them being who they are.

This, too, is Decade’s fault.

I LOVE THE ZI-OT3 INVESTIGATING!

Like I said in an earlier post today, I think I understand why it’s Ryuga and not Ryuki. Bc at the end of Ryuki, everything was reset and the events of the series never happened. Shinji didn’t just forget he was a Kamen Rider, he never was one in the first place. But just bc it didn’t happen doesn’t mean that somewhere, some place, the Mirror World ever went away completely. Maybe it somehow preserved Ryuga, and he’s just been hanging out, hiding in the new Shinji’s reflection? Waiting for something like this...

Poor Shinji. Given his reaction later, I’m wondering if he considers himself responsible--which raises my question of if he was actually trying to kill himself bc he thought that might stop the attacks, or if he was just so terrified he covered up everything and accidentally sealed himself in in a panic.

Hands, who thinks Kido is an idiot? ... Goddamnit, Ron.

I love the Zi-Ot3 having planning sessions, too.

Sou Okuno remains adorable and it is so unfair.

Like I said. Geiz is one of those people where if punching it doesn’t work, you just punch harder--and if you break your arm doing it? So be it.

He starts the sentence neutral, then switches to first person. Just... Decides it’s gonna be him. Bc he’s the soldier, and fighting with his life is the only thing he’s ever done.

Sougo clearly doesn’t quite understand the seriousness of the situation, clearly thinks they’re still brainstorming, (honestly don’t blame him--most people wouldn’t be expecting someone to actually be meaning to go through w/ that), but Tsukuyomi is clearly well aware of the fact that Geiz will absolutely do this, and she’s not happy.

Junichiro does the only acceptable impression of Kuro Woz ever.

WAS THE LEAF PILE MOVING IMPORTANT?

Shinji doesn’t just have no memory of it, he has double no memory of it! (that may have been a reference to that)

Kuro Woz begins to, well, Woz, and Sougo walks away. I LOVE THIS. Force the manipulative jerk to walk after you!

KWoz remains incapable of picking up on tacit cues. Seriously, dude, even I am clear on how uncomfortable Sougo is w/ this. And I am awful at tacit cues.

ELBOW HIM IN THE STOMACH SOUGO!

Okay... This seems a little more like they’re talking about something e don’t know about... But he’s still noting it might kill him, so my other comments do still hold. But other than some protectiveness that he’s in denial about, why does he think it has to be him? Did Shiro Woz do something? Was there more to that vision than we saw?

Well, maybe Tsukuyomi doesn’t know? She’s pretty against it.

The little face twitch after she reminds him Sougo didn’t like the idea either. I think he’s secretly touched Sougo cares, but too Tsundere to admit it.

No, we weren’t waiting. We just knew if we stood still for five minutes, you’d be somewhere in the scenery, creepily dropping eves.

WAGA KYUURANGERS.

I can never hear that the same again.

I am still extremely uncomfortable w/ this phrasing. I’ve seen people connecting it to PreCure, where it’s the villain’s goal? And while I don’t watch PreCure, I absolutely agree. That’s not a normal way of referring to a peaceful era. It’s suspicious. Makes me think that either time literally is stopped, or that it’s ‘peaceful’ bc it’s all controlled by the future Nooks or something.

My hope for this is that they make a third timeline, and the point of the story is that we forge our own destinies, and sometimes not knowing exactly what the future holds is a good thing. Not everything is predetermined, that freedom is more important than martially imposed ‘peace’--and that even if things are apparently doomed to end w/ you murdering half the world, there’s always something you can do to change things. In a world where a lot of young people are suffering under the exacting expectations of others (and this is not saying Japan specifically, this is a thing everywhere), I feel like that would be a great message for kids. Wow. Okay. Got a bit mushy there.

Hm... Honestly, this translation makes Geiz sound more suspicious of it than anything--though given the flashback, I do think that the ‘peace’ part sounds good to them. However... Well, I have some other things to say on this subject, but we can get to that lower down.

THAT’S NOT THE FACE OF A PERSON I TRUST.

Poor Shinji, he’s so scared! He’s gotta have been seeing his reflection be like ‘hey, you wanna go murder this guy right, I’m gonna do it!’ so much he can’t even bear to look at it... Oh, sweetie... Ron! Come get Shinji he’s making me cry!

Need I remind anyone that I hate Shiro Woz?

Not you, Keisuke, you’re an angel and I’m thrilled you’re here.

WAGA KYUURANGERS.

Ahem. Okay, anyway. This is another reason why I’m confused as to whether or not Toei wants me to think Geiz is actually going to switch ‘sides’ or something or not. He jumps in to defend Shinji w/out a single hesitation, and I really think there’s meant to be parallels between this and his initial stance towards Sougo. Like, that one scene w/ the flashback to Goggles (WHO IN TIME IS GOGGLES THE DEAD PERSON?) seemed to be meant to indicate that he was starting to believe Shiro Woz--but here? It’s coming across as the opposite. WHICH IS IT TOEI?

I will continue to believe that they will not do that to my precious tsundere baby until they actually do. And when/if (please dear gods I hope it doesn’t) that happens... Tea and shirts? I’ll make cookies?

G T F O Shiro Woz. No one wants your approval at all, esp not Geiz.

No! Poor Shinji... Ron, come help Shinji! Ron! ... What’s that? Not until the special? But that’s in March! We’ll be in another arc by then! Goddamnit, Ron.

I’m making a dumb joke, I have no clue if Ren is gonna be back in the special. I would be excited if he was, though.

Don’t listen to him, Shinji. You Rider Kicked him in the face in another... Another... A timeline twice removed? Or maybe once? Maybe they just never altered the Ryuki timeline since it did that one it’s own?

Ah, sweet justice.

Can’t believe I’m cheering for this asshole. But I just really dislike Shiro Woz.

Okay, Heure, you jerking Shiro Woz around is valid, but that dig at Geiz was unnecessary.

Also, even though there’s (well, was?) a ‘justifiable’ reason for what Shiro Woz was doing, Geiz remains unhappy about it.

... Okay, why did we get a ‘gasp’ reaction from Shiro Woz to that? What exactly happened on your ‘Day of Ouma,’ you snake? Oh what am I saying. Like he’d give me a straight answer.

Goddamit, Geiz. DX

We knew you were gonna do this, though.

Sougo finally arrives, and actually understands that Geiz has no chill whatsoever and will absolutely do this shit.

But it seriously kinda does feel like Geiz’s mentality is ‘I’m a soldier, I have to be willing to fight to the death’ sort of thing. Or maybe even ‘I’m the soldier so I’m more expendable’ (which the angst part of me kinda wants to be something that comes up--‘I’m the fighter, I’m the one who dies’ sort of thing; and then the other two smack him for it).

I just love Geiz as the ‘protector’ part of the triangle. Like, I feel like he’s starting to fall into it? Like, willing to protect the other two w/ his life (not that they don’t all protect each other, but... Do you know what I mean?).

Friendship moments are hard for Geiz, but this is still a good one. He’s literally getting forced to face the fact that Sougo cares about him and doesn’t want him to kamikaze attack.

I love this, though. Before, we saw that Sougo was uncomfortable w/ the Zi-O II Ride Watch, and its implications for his future. But he’d rather use an item that may very well be either a step or even a lock into him becoming the Demon King he was so disturbed and upset by before, than let Geiz die. Might be bad news for the world, but...

Makes me wonder if there’s gonna be a ‘I won’t let you turn into Ouma Zi-O even if I die’ thing, except it’s not ‘fight you to the death’ thing and more ‘I’ll keep trying to keep you good even if it gets me killed/I have to sacrifice myself.’

Oh my god. Like if there’s a way to keep Sougo from becoming Ouma Zi-O (like, w/out killing him), but it was, like, fatal. Geiz would absolutely do it. Or try to. Hell, maybe even both him or Tsukuyomi. Or they’d both try to do it, but also try to protect each other from it... Like she tries to stun him so he can’t, and he tries to beat here there, or something... There I go.

THE TRIUMPHANT MUSIC! And you just know it’s gonna cut out. XD

My guess is that it failed bc Sougo was secretly doubting his future. Like, he’s wholeheartedly ready to use it bc he doesn’t want Geiz sacrificing himself, but he’s still scared it’ll turn him into Ouma Zi-O? And maybe he has to be confident in his abilities before it will work? Me make sense? Who would do that.

Well, one thing I’ll say for him. Another Ryuga is cool.

Okay, okay. Here’s the last thing, I swear. If they’re trying to imply that Geiz is gonna turn on Sougo... No one told Gaku before he voiced those two ‘Zi-O!’s. That sounded way too frightened and concerned for someone you’re starting to doubt.

I swear, I’ve heard that music somewhere...

I loved how everyone’s reactions to this sequence was literally ‘well, I assume they’re showing us everything is backwards, but I couldn’t read kanji to begin w/, so...’ ^^ XD

Wow, nice on the signs O-T! How much harder was it to do the subtitles backwards?

Mirror¡Sougo is bouncy like bunny!

Mirror¡Sougo tries to be creepy, but regular Sougo doesn’t even register it. This kid would be both a joy and a risk in a horror situation.

I love the way Sougo dodges the ‘eye blocks’ when Mirror¡Sougo transforms, and Mirror¡Sougo hits one back w/ his sword when Sougo transforms... It’s cool.

Preview: Oh, yeah. Geiz dies next week. Now where’s my new favourite picture... XD I will love it if there’s a situation where Sougo is able to see out of the Mirror World and sees what’s happening. I mean, Another Ryuga can look out, why not Sougo? Maybe that’ll be what finally seals the deal on him actually using the Watch?

See, this ‘opening’ ‘creating ‘cutting open’ the future stuff rings to me like the goal is that thing I mentioned above. About choosing one’s own destiny, no matter hat tries to shape you.

Anyway, I like the Zi-O II suit. Excited for ep 22. ^^

That’s all, folks! (wonder how long it’ll be before I get sued for that XD). Virtual red velvet cupcakes for anyone who read all of that. And if you don’t like those, then... Well, pick your favourite flavour! ^^ And if you don’t like cupcakes, then pick a sweet you do like.

Anyway, I’m having a good time and enjoying this. I love the Zi-Ot3, in case that wasn’t clear, and atm I’m looking forward to 22. Of course, things could always turn out... Unfortunately, but I still have tea and shirts on standby.

... Now I want read velvet cupcakes again...

(If you count the number of bolded words in this post, you get a hardy handshake!)

[cameoamalthea]

So I took this Dark Core Personality test (which was less edge lord than I thought it would be) and scored 31.89% lighter than average. OP scored 26.11% darker and because tumblr is forcing me to see all the comments on this thread (not just comments directed to me based on my reblog - seriously tumblr why you do this?) I see a lot of darkness. 

I wonder how people are scoring that way? 

So I thought I’d take a moment to think about the questions. All 45 of them: under the cut

1. I deserve more than I currently have in life.

I said strongly agree, because while I’m grateful for what I have I’d like to be a bit more financially stable/to be able to pay back the family that have helped me. 

I don’t think it’s wrong to agree with some of these (average is agreeing to a lot of these things). Most things are about balance. 

It’s good to have self esteem and self worth, to say that you deserve happiness/good things/to succeed and grow. 

2. I might be willing to take a punch if it meant that someone I did not like would receive two punches.

I don’t really understand this question and strongly disagreed. Why get myself hurt just to hurt someone else. I don’t really want to see anyone get punched. It just seems petty and mean.

3. Some people have to be treated roughly because they lack feelings that can be hurt.

Again what? How could anyone even think this? Everyone has feelings that can be hurt and no one has to be hurt. That’s awful.

4. If I opposed the election of an official, I would be glad to see them fail, even if their failure hurt my community.

I was neutral on this one, because I don’t understand how an elected official failing would hurt my community. If I oppose the election of an official it’s because I think their success would hurt my community. You vote for who you think will have the best policies right? 

I don’t get it.

5. I would be willing to pay more for certain goods if other people I did not like had to pay even more.

This seems stupid, petty and unfair. I don’t see why you’d want to hurt people you don’t like...I may not like everyone but I don’t want to see anyone hurt.

6. It is important to me that I am more successful than others.

This I agreed with strongly. It’s a fault I have and I know it. I want to prove myself as ‘worthy” I guess. Good enough. Not a failure. Because I always felt like it was somehow my fault I was never adopted/treated like a daughter by my guardians. Sometimes I wonder if I’d somehow been more lovable they would have wanted me. So I think if I’m more successful than average/do something amazing, then it would be proof that I’m not worthless?

 I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others. It’s not effective to compare yourself negatively. Life isn’t a competition and if it were a race, it wouldn’t be a fair one since we all start in different places. I should focus on my own happiness and appreciate my achievements relative to how far I’ve come not to anyone else. 

Still, if I’m honest, I have to strong agree even if I know it’s a fault.

7.I like to pick on losers.

What the heck? I wouldn’t want to pick on anyone.

8. It’s okay to lie since you never know who you can trust.

No, it’s not okay to lie. I think if you’re seen as honest and trustworthy then people will give you honesty and trust in return.

9. I can be really nasty when I take my revenge.

I don’t want revenge 

10. Payback needs to be quick and nasty.

Again, I don’t need revenge or payback. (If anything if others hurt me I need to accept that it wasn’t my fault/I didn’t disserve it)

11. I fantasize about extraordinary prestige.

This is a strong agree, unsurprisingly. I want to be loved, and prestige would mean a lot of people would like me or my work. That would feel good. 

12. I use insincere flattery to get my way.

Nope, I do use sincere flattery to be nice to people. People like compliments and it’s good to be nice.

13. I use lies to get my way.

Nope.

14. I should not have to deal with trivial matters or the humdrum of everyday life.

Isn’t the humdrum of everyday life what life is? I like life? When I was a kid I dreamed about just having a normal life. I think we should all appreciate it.

15. I have enjoyed hurting someone physically, sexually, or emotionally.

No, I would never want to hurt someone. Although I was with a girl once who liked it if I bit her and it made her happy when I did it. I don’t think that’s hurting someone if you’re making them happy. Even if it is, I didn’t enjoy hurting her. I enjoyed making her happy.

16. People see me as especially worthy of admiration.

No way, I can’t imagine being worthy of admiration.

17. I deserve to have great things come my way in life.

Strong affirmation, which is a good thing for me given my issues with self esteem and feeling like I deserve bad things/don’t deserve good things. It’s not selfish to have a healthy amount of self esteem and self care.

18. It’s okay to lie if it’s the best way to handle a situation.

I’m honestly really honest. To the point of being too blunt and hurting others feelings.

19. I honestly feel I am just more deserving than others.

Big no to this one, I don’t deserve more than anyone else and I’m sure there others more deserving than me and it’s been a lot of work not to feel like I’m I just less deserving than others 

20. It is sometimes worth taking a little suffering yourself if it means that others will receive the punishment they deserve.

Again with the punishment. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t believe in punishment per se, I believe in consequences and that consequences come from the individuals actions. It’s not something I want to have happen to others, it’s something that does happen/should happen because justice and fairness demand a certain consequence to certain actions 

21. Most people don’t really care about others.

That’s not true, I can’t believe that 

22. Taking something without the owner’s permission is okay as long as you’re just borrowing it.

No, it’s not. Borrowing requires permission. Consent is the difference between what is permissible and what is criminal (note how permissible has the same root as permission). People have a right to their belongings, and even if you give it back, using it without consent is still conversion. If you take a car and go joy riding and intend to bring it back, you’ve still stolen a car.

Yes, there some things you might feel ok borrowing without asking because it’s a small thing and they wouldn’t mind, then chances are you’d be ok with stealing that thing (i.e. a pencil). Otherwise, you shouldn’t take without asking. 

23. I look down on people who unwisely share their secrets.

No, in fact I’m very open and share everything. I don’t have secrets.

24. I refrain from telling people the real reason I did something unless it is useful to do.

No, again I’m very honest and open. I want to be understood. I don’t really stop to think about what’s useful.

25. I only obey those laws that seem reasonable to me.

No, everyone is bound by the laws. Doesn’t matter if the speed limit could be faster you shouldn’t speed.

26. I often have fantasies which involve hurting people.

Big no

27. There are no right and wrong ways of making money, so much as there are easy and hard ways.

God that sounds terrible. Like they’d do anything to make money. Do you know how many terrible ways people can make money? 

28. I can get so angry that I want to hurt people.

Big no, I don’t get angry often and when I do I don’t want to hurt anyone.

29. People who get mistreated have usually done something to deserve it.

No, big no. That’s not true. People get mistreated who have done nothing to deserve it. Usually that’s how bullying works.

30. My own happiness is more important than that of the people around me.

Nope, and this is another flaw of mine. I tend to put everyone else first.

31. Compared to other bad things people do, stealing something small from a store isn’t worth worrying about.

No, it’s still stealing and it actually hurts the store’s bottom line (they keep track of items that go missing, called “shrink”) and if the store is hurt/loses money then that can hurt the people who work there (hours, even whole jobs, cut to save money).

32. Most people would probably enjoy hurting others if they had the chance.

No, I can’t believe that’s true

33. If I had the opportunity, I would gladly pay a small sum of money to see a classmate whom I do not like fail a job or exam.

Again, I don’t want to hurt people. One this seems like paying to hurt someone which is wrong. And making someone fail when they don’t deserve that. It’s not fair and it’s not right.

34. I expect special favors from others.

Nope

35. I keep track of sensitive information that can be used to hurt people at a later time.

Of course not, I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

36. I spend a lot of time looking for opportunities to achieve higher social status.

Nope, I’m ambitious insofar as I want to do well but I don’t spend a lot of time on it. If anything it makes me anxious to ask for things so even applying for jobs was hellish and I hate networking events. It feels wrong to talk to people just because you want something from them.

37.  People like me deserve more perks and advantages than the average person.

No, again, my natural state is to think I don’t deserve anything but I’m working on that. But even then, no one deserves to be treated better than anyone else, that’s not fair. 

38. Hearing others praise me is something I look forward to.

Big YES for this one! I like to feel like I’m going a good job and I need the validation. 

39.I am especially motivated towards making friends with important people.

Not really, I want to make friends with everyone because friends 

40. I avoid direct conflict with people who may be useful to me in the future.

I said yes on this because I avoid conflict in general and I don’t want to burn bridges with people

41. Those with superior talents should not hide them.

Well yeah, everyone should let their talents shine and share them with the world.

42. I am constantly looking for ways to get ahead.

I said yes, I want to do my best. 

43. I humiliate others to keep them in line.

This is wrong on so many levels. “keep them in line” Trying to control people is abusive. Hurting people is wrong and humiliating someone is hurting someone, doing it to control them is textbook abuse/manipulation. That’s terrible.

44. People who mess with me almost always regret it.

I don’t think they do and I certainly don’t try to make them regret it. Well one time I sued a car dealership for running my credit without my consent (in the face of me saying no multiple times/complete lack of consent). I wanted them to pay for that, but not just for me, because they broke the law and they should learn that’s not ok. I hope that by losing some money they would think twice about doing that to other people. But I think that’s the only time I’ve ever taken action against anyone, but that wasn’t revenge, that was ensuring the fair consequence for their actions.

45. I’ll say anything to get what I want.

Nope, I’m honest and I don’t think it’s right to say “anything” just to get what I want. That seems wrong.

[jae-bummer]

Both

Request: ten and a college au? where you two don’t get along but have to work together on a project??

Member: NCT's Ten x Y/N

Type: Fluff

You attempted to hide your grimace as another piece of paper sailed your way. A week out from midterms, and your Shakespeare lecture had turned into something resembling a coup, each day getting progressively worse as your fellow students seemed to slowly lose their minds. 

You glanced behind you just as another small, crumpled projectile deflected off your shoulder. Blinking quickly in surprise, your eyes lifted to a row several feet away, situated near the back of the auditorium-style classroom. Raising your brows, you made contact with the perpetrator of your papery attack, already busy ripping another strip from his notebook. As the intense feeling of your glare became more evident to him, he slowly looked up as well, allowing his eyes to lock on yours, followed by a deliberate smirk accented by a small lip bite. He lifted his brows to mirror your expression, unabashedly staring at you, challenging you to say something, anything. 

And knowing damn well you wouldn’t. 

That was how Ten worked. 

Ten, such a simple name encompassing every irk and pushed button you had ever felt in your college experience. You had been in classes with him for what seemed to be the entirety of your university career, which was curious considering he was a dance major, and you were very much not. You weren’t sure how your classes crossed over, simply writing off the strange coincidence as overlapping prerequisites. Either way, you had gotten to know him...well, not on a personal level, but you had learned how he operated. 

He seemed nice enough at first. Smiley and flirty, unafraid to say what everyone was thinking. It was when his verbalization turned into his strange and often inappropriate thoughts that was the problem. With such an impressive smile, he could almost always get away with whatever he chose to have slip from his lips. He had teachers charmed and fellow classmates enamored. Too outgoing and attractive for his own good, he was the typical boy every person in a one mile radius paid attention to. 

Besides you. 

Alright, so maybe you did pay attention to him on occasion. It was easy to become caught up in his pearly smile, or the way he tousled his hair as he worked on an assignment. He bit his lip when he was deep in thought or simply waiting for someone to challenge his bad behavior. You knew far too much about him than you’d ever admit, but it was safer that way. He was easier to avoid. 

Turning back around in your seat, your squared your shoulders as you attempted to focus on the teacher’s PowerPoint she had long since been derailed from. 

“Can anyone tell me,” she droned, pointing a finger toward the board. “Who the ghost of Hamlet’s father blamed his death on?” 

“Well, it’s not really blaming him,” Ten shouted out. “He knew damn well who killed him.” 

You took a deep breath and rolled your eyes before glancing over your shoulder again. Ten was already focusing solely in your direction, wiggling his brows again as you made eye contact. 

“Alright then, Ten,” the teacher hummed with a nod. “Then who did Hamlet’s father say killed him?”

“Claudius,” he nodded confidently. 

“Very good,” the teacher confirmed, directing her attention back to the slideshow. “Now can someone tell me who said the notable phrase, “To thine own self be true?””

Biting on your lip, you slowly raised your hand. In general, you attempted to lay low in most classes, but volunteered to answer a question or two to remain uncalled upon during the rest of the semester. 

“Yes, Y/N,” the teacher called. 

“Polonius!” Ten yelled before you had the chance to verbalize the answer. “When he’s talking to Laertes.” 

“I know you’re excited because this is the first time you’ve actually read the piece we’re working on,” you hissed, incapable of holding your tongue any longer. “But she called my name.” 

Ten’s jaw twitched as he glared at you, his cheeks growing flush the longer he looked. 

“Ten, Y/N,” the professor croaked, pulling you from your staring contest. “If you both have such an interest in Polonius as a character, why don’t you two collaborate on a character study?” 

“What?” you and Ten gasped in unison, directed all of the previous anger you had toward each other at your professor. 

“Class dismissed,” she smiled. “I’ll be putting up the character study prompts online for the rest of the students tonight. Have a wonderful day!” 

Slamming your notebooks into your bag, you took the stairs two at a time until you reached the professor’s desk. “I’m sorry Mrs.-”

“You can’t honestly expect us to work together,” Ten’s voice groaned from behind you as he stomped forward. A pout heavy on his face, he stuck his bottom lip out and heaved a sigh. 

“Throwing a tantrum won’t get either of you out of this assignment,” the teacher hummed, beginning to pack her own bag as well. “The project is to be done in pairs, you are being treated no differently than any other student.” 

“But I could work so much better with someone else,” you grumbled. “Don’t you want me to turn in my best?”

“Working through strife can make people perform in incredible ways, Y/N,” the teacher continued, not even bothering to look in your direction. “I’m expecting something impressive from the two of you.”

“This is unfair,” Ten muttered, giving you a side eye. “But not impossible.” 

“Says you,” you spat, spinning on your heel and launching yourself toward the door. 

“Hey,” he groaned softly. His steps were quick as he attempted to keep up with you, navigating through other students as you turned into the hall. “Come on, I need this grade going into midterms.” 

“I’m sure your grade will be fine,” you muttered, not even bothering to look toward him. If he pushed his hair back just once, you may crumble. You couldn’t give him any attention. “You study, you answer alllll of the teacher’s questions.” 

“Oh, come on,” he chuckled. “Just because I like to participate-”

“You love attention, Ten. I get it,” you hissed, finally spinning around and granting yourself permission to shoot him a nasty look. His eyes grew wide as he skidded to halt himself, making sure not to knock into you as you had paused. “But you don’t need mine.” 

“I do if we’re going to do this,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “If we turn in two separate assignments, there’s no way the teacher is going to grade us individually.” 

It took every ounce of your self control to not pivot in place and stroll away from him. You were a good student. You cared about your classes and your grades. It was out of your character to give up like this. You couldn’t let yourself down. 

Even if it meant giving Ten a boost. 

“Fine,” you said shortly, shaking your head. “Ten a.m. Tomorrow. Library. Don’t be late.” 

And he wasn’t. 

He had rented a study room before you had even had the chance to show up. With a coffee in hand, you balked at the amount of snacks he had laid out on the table, and a coffee with your name on it as well. 

“Figured we could start again,” he sighed. “But you can’t have the fruit roll up. That’s for me and me alone.” 

“You can share six feet of fun, you punk,” you muttered, setting your things down. 

“Oh, I’ve got six feet of fun for you,” he chuckled, sticking his tongue between his teeth. 

“Gross, that sounds like a problem actually,” you sighed. Plopping into the seat across from him, you pulled out your laptop and notebooks, attempting to mentally prepare for the situation to come. 

“So we’re doing a character study,” he hummed, shuffling through some of his papers. “I started to annotate all of Polonius’ parts last night and sections where he was mention-”

“Wait, you what?” you coughed, looking at him with wide eyes. 

“I...” he trailed, furrowing his brows in confusion. “I started to annotate all of-”

“No, not that kind of what,” you muttered, shaking your head. “I’m honestly having a hard time believing that.” 

“My GPA takes offense to that,” he hummed. Shaking his head, he began to flip through his notes again. 

“You’re a dance major, Ten,” you grumbled. “What are you even doing in this class? Matter of fact, what are you doing in any of the classes I’ve had with you?” 

“Well, you’ve caught me,” he deadpanned. “I’ve been exclusively taking English lit electives to bother you. It’s like in elementary school when you like someone and try your damnedest to make their lives hell.” 

“You aren’t funny,” you whispered. 

“I never claimed to be,” he grinned. “But I really find joy in literature. It’s my minor.” 

“Right,” you nodded. “What an interesting skill set.”

“It’s best to know a little about a lot of things,” he sighed. “Instead of knowing too much about only a few.” 

Your days continued in this manner, meeting Ten at the library, eating too many snacks and having to put up with too much sass. Eventually you had grown to tolerate him and damn near enjoy the time you spent with him. It was hard to remain in a foul mood while he was around, plus his visuals didn’t hurt. You had learned in your short time together that he was incredibly animated and loved close contact. After several study sessions, he had even insisted on sitting on the same side of the table as you so you would be able to better share reading materials. 

Really you had thought it was just a way for him to validate how quickly he could make someone short of breath. 

Before you two had even realized, the day had arrived for you to turn in your project and give a presentation to your class. As you finished the final slide and smiled proudly at one another, the teacher stood and gave a brief nod. “Interesting presentation you two. Why don’t you stay after class so we can discuss?” 

You immediately looked up to Ten with wide eyes, fear sinking deep into your stomach. “Interesting” wasn’t exactly the word you had wanted to hear to describe your hard work, and you knew by Ten’s expression that he was sharing a similar thought. 

Instead of taking his usual seat a few rows behind you, he plopped with a sigh into the desk beside yours. Resting his elbow on the edge of your desk, he leaned in, and began to whisper to you. “Don’t freak.” 

“Too late,” you hissed. “What the hell does she mean? Interesting?” 

“She could mean genuinely interesting,” Ten hummed, his breath hot on your ear. “It’ll be fine. We put a lot of effort in and-”

“And what if we missed the mark?” you whined, trying to keep yourself from completely losing it. You couldn’t fail this project. You needed a decent grade before moving into midterms. 

Ten let out a breath as he leaned back into his chair. Reaching over, he took the hand you had closest to him within his fingers, and held it gently. He gave a reassuring squeeze before leaving his palm open for you to continue to hold,  focusing his own attention back on to the next team of presenters. 

For a moment you forgot how to breath as you stared at Ten’s hand wrapped around yours. You remained incredibly still, unsure of the feeling beginning to swirl in the bottom portion of your stomach. Ten had reassured your insecurities about this project before. but never like this. 

Your hands remained locked until the professor finally dismissed everyone. Remaining in your seats, Ten finally slid his fingers from yours, and wiped his palms on his jeans. His neck and face had grown flush and for a moment, the situation felt a little too real. While your brain had begun screaming about the inevitability of your failure, it was simultaneously occupied with trying to figure out the meaning behind Ten’s small gesture. 

If there was any meaning to it at all. 

It wasn’t like annotating a line of Shakespeare, it wasn’t even like trying to write a character study. 

This was territory you had never entered before. 

“Ten, Y/N, come to my desk please,” the teacher called. 

You gulped as you stood, immediately feeling dizzy as your feet attempted to navigate down the stairs. Ten’s hand once again found your body, pressing on your lower back to help guide you toward your doom. 

“So impressive you just had to wait for everyone to leave to speak with us?” Ten chuckled nervously. He gave you a side eye and a small nod of reassurance. He would feign confidence until the end. 

“Not exactly,” the teacher sighed. “You two did do great work though. I obviously haven’t read the paper yet, but the presentation was well thought out. I just wanted you two to know that I’m proud of the way you handled yourselves.” 

“Oh,” you hummed in surprise, glancing to Ten with lifted brows. “So...so we’re not going to fail?” 

“Why would you fail?” the teacher laughed. “I’m willing to bet you two will have the highest grade in the class.” 

“Really?” you breathed. Ten nudged you with his elbow before letting out a chuckle. 

“Well, obviously we thought that,” Ten grinned. “Glad to hear it’s been confirmed.” 

“You two should go get a coffee for each other,” the teacher nodded. “Congratulate one another on the great work.” 

“Thanks,” you whispered, hardly believing your ears. When you had been partnered with Ten, you had assumed imminent defeat was in your future. This was a fate you had never considered.  

You trailed behind Ten as he began to leave the classroom, lost in thought about the entirety of the afternoon. Looking up from your shoes as you turned the corner into the hallway, you immediately bumped into Ten’s chest as he had stopped short a few feet from the door. 

“Ten-” you gasped, looking up at his grinning face. He dipped his head, catching your lips with his. His fingers ghosted along your jaw as he deepened the kiss quickly, pushing forth all of the effort you had put into your presentation and instead directed it into this moment. He was so close, his free arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you in as closely as he could while still having full accessibility to your lips. His touch was delicate, but playful, two words that easily complimented the man. 

You allowed him to kiss you, feeling the butterflies turn wild in your stomach. You wouldn’t be the one to stop this, whatever it was. 

And after a moment of willing confusion, he pulled away from you, a careful smile decorating his lips. “Y/N.”

“Congratulations,” you said quietly. “For a job well done.” 

“Mmm, I’m not sure if you mean with the kiss or the project,” he chuckled. “But I’m going to assume both.” 

“Fair assumption,” you grinned. “But I think you owe me coffee now.” 

“Just because the teacher said we should get each other coffee doesn’t mean we should,” he laughed. “Wasn’t my kiss enough?” 

“Not nearly enough,” you smiled. “But if you kiss me a few more times...then we could renegotiate coffee.” 

[crossgartered]

P5R Liveblog (13/?)

Haru arc

[[MORE]]

Oh...? Are you hung up on Wakaba, too, Doctor?

Oh, Rumi. ...Who's Rumi?

IS IT KASUMI'S SISTER??? bc you know there's weird stuff going on there

Probably not but this is for wild guessing anyway

If we can believe Kasumi then her sister is younger than her

And that'd be pretty weird to talk about in a romantic context

The problem is if kasumi is to be believed

she's dead I know she's dead I don't think she knows she's dead but she's super dead

Or in a coma I guess but let's be real here

I don't trust Shibusawa in the slightest. He's definitely going to try to take that research. I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of those men in black suits, either. He's rich - he goes to the Wilton on a whim, with his "buddies" - he could definitely be one of Shido's men.

OMFNDJD THIS LES MIS KNOCK OFF FILLS ME WITH JOY

Hoo boy. Maruki... I don't think you'll be very pleased with our answer. I do think you have good intentions, now, but you will definitely be an antagonist here.

I'm still really impressed with Chihaya. She really thought that the protag would hate her once she told her story, that her fortune said he was supposed to hate her, and she "never thought [he] would overturn even that fate". And yet, she told him anyway.

A Yusuke & Ann showtime!! : D I wonder what it'll be like?

THATS SO INCREDIBLY ANIME I LOVE IT

Haru idolizing superheroines vs Ann idolizing lady villains fight

I cannot waittt to see what they do with cognitive Haru, if they decided to make her this time around

YUSUKE CAN DUPLICATE IN PALACES?!?!?

A Will Seed with lasers barring the way? Interesting.

FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH!!!!

Huh, it's kinda goofier than I was expecting.

"When a person is continually faced with oppression, they come to welcome its presence." Yusuke : (

"Such psychological trickery is being used here. I... experienced it first-hand for many years." YUSUKE : C

It's kinda nice that those workers are being blocked by lasers instead of us being too intimidated by their number to just go after them. ...Am I remembering this correctly?

Oh, Noir... I'm glad I get the option to ask if she's okay.

The Yumizuki High uniform really does suit Yusuke.

I wonder if there's a way to talk to people about their outfits.

Does Futaba's thing happen in place of Joker's, now? That's kind of a shame

HEY DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE FUTABA SHOWTIMES?!?????

Airlock time.

Man I want to see robot/cyborg Haru so badly come on Okumura I know she's here

This stuff about being okay for 30 sec as long as you close your eyes and mouth sounds wrong but I don't know enough about the condition of the human body in space enough to dispute it so okay I fuess

Anyway this is run by clap your hands if you believe kinda magic so it doesn't really matter anyway (also, thank god for Futaba saying that it'd work)

It's interesting - space factories/stations aren't a typical heist target (nor are castles, tbh, but museums, banks, pyramids, casinos? Naturally) (space stations in general can be, in the right genre. But this is set up a bit unusually for that). Corporate offices of shady companies, however...

Spaceeeeee ahdskdjs this is SO COOL

what the fuck what the fuck was something else going through the airlock?!?!

Ugh, how aggravating. I had been able to get the Will Seed the entire time until I pulled the lever that allowed me to progress

What is this shadow???? I'm not sure I know it! "Pagan savior", huh?

No, guys, there's another airlock room. Stop saying 'the treasure is just beyond that door!' when there is a whole other area/floor to go through. Especially since you have a map

Futaba gets motion sickness...oh no I'm so sorry ;u;

I...actually remembered the first half of the solution to the transfer line. I got out of there in practically no time. Heck yeah!

"Thou hast to awakened to the ultimate secret of the Sun, granting thee infinite power..." Yoshida...! TAT

I always end up maxing him right around the end of Okumura's Palace. I feel so bad. His newfound popularity is gonna absolutely tank soon. ;-;

Man, who even gets elected after the populace starts caring again? I don't know how Japanese politics works, really, like at all, honestly, but probably he has a subordinate who can take his place. But like, his whole crew's gotta be corrupt, right? Especially someone who'd be his replacement. Though honestly, considering how paranoid he got by the end, he probably chose someone weak-willed in order to prevent

Oh wait hold on I just looked up how this works. Apparently, uh...

Huh. I'm not sure if the cabinet resigns if the prime minister does usually or if that's just if the house passes a vote of no confidence. But, the prime minister appoints the ministers, so if the prime minister changes then there could be an issue there, probably?

But anyway. Looks like the Diet would immediately try to vote for a different person once the prime minister seat is vacant.

Huh, I wonder who gets voted in, then. Well, we only know of 2 candidates other than Shido, and Yoshida doesn't have the funding or even (yet) the popularity to become prime minister, so Matsushida is really the only other choice unless they pick someone we haven't heard about.

Oh my GOD I hate the school. They're being such assholes to Kasumi. She got 3rd place!!! That's amazing!!! This isn't even a school specializing in gymnastics!!!!!! YOU SPECIALIZED IN VOLLEYBALL AND EVEN IF THAT WERENT THE CASE YOURE TERRIBLE

*ahem* Anyway.

You can tell that Maruki is quietly pissed and honestly? Valid. Super valid. Same, Maruki, same.

She's not gonna get that text, with how her phone is.

"we took in those sisters to improve Shujin's standing, but at this rate, we're only going to end up suffering for it." Oh??? Oh??????

"not only have we lost one of them, but the other ones not doing us any good. Talk about a waste of effort..." Hooooly shit you asshole

Wait, hold on, it's October already????!? November's just a month away!! I have less than 3 months for social linking! And I still haven't maxed knowledge or kindness! (Or guts, but whatever) I've only maxed 1 person! Although I'm close to maxing Ryuji & Ann & Yusuke. And some npcs

AHHHHH CUTSCENE CUTSCENE!!!!

So the keywords - lab, stadium, and ... Either Maruki or Kasumi for the person. OH MAN AND EITHER WAY IM ALREADY IN MY PHANTOM THIEF CLOTHES

ONE OF THEM DOESNT TRUST ME

It's probably Maruki, right? Bc of the lab... But also I thought the whole wish fulfillment thing was going to be his cogpsi project... With the help of Jose, maybe...

Speaking of Jose, Jose looks like a toy, especially with that hair and those ears. I wonder what material he's supposed to be? Based on the ears I'd say plastic, maybe, but the hair looks more ceramic to me.

Anyway, back to the relevant FUCKING PALACE WOOHOO

I haven't even sent a calling card for Okumura yet so we're not dealing with this anytime soon

Ooh, this music... <3

Oh man, I totally forgot I had Morgana in the maid costume. I gotta get him into something more serious

Why is dancewear not the p5dsn costume??

This is...really empty...

I am suddenly really scared at what the people are going to look like

There are pigeons here...

But wait, if this is Maruki's Palace, then this is bc of all his grief... He doesn't want anyone to hurt, ever again. The people will be their ideal selves, probably...

...I'd love to see a cognition of myself, tbh. That won't happen, but I'd love it.

This place is really beautiful... With the music it seems like a sad place...

Look at all these wires

That's probably the sister, right?

Unless that's the cognition of Yoshizawa when she was alive and her current self is her ideal self.

The shadow attacked the cognition???!?!

YUP this is definitely Maruki's Palace

Hmm. Interesting.

Oh, Cendrillon really is perfect for her, huh.

SHES DOING A MAGICAL GIRL TRANAFORMATION WHAY

WHAT

WHY????

IM NOT UPSET ITS JUST A LITTLE WHAT????

Does her outfit look like mine a little bit bc she's using me as a role model for her source of confidence - confidence that she is using/interpreting for her inner rebellious spirit?

Wait, lost my train of thought

Aww, I mistimed that. I was hoping to get a Kasumi finishing touch

MORGANA-SENPAI

It is definitely an unfair consequence

Oh, so that's why, narratively, her phone sucks. It's to prevent us from figuring out whose Palace it is.

Yeah, this time it's entirely on you, Morgana.

... it's because of gymnastics? And not because you disagree with us on an ideological level? ...okay. sure. Whatever.

Hoo boy. This is gonna suck when Okumura has his mental shutdown. I wonder how she'll react.

She is of the Faith arcana, whatever that means. Maybe she'll keep faith in me? I did max her half-confidant

It's cool, Kasumi. I really didn't do much. You may have a debt of gratitude or whatever but like you don't actually need to repay it. Just keep being my friend and maybe one day you'll quit keeping score

*sigh*

If only. Too bad you're probably dead.

SHOWTIME WITH HARU? SHOWTIME WITH HARU? PLEASE?

Oh, Mona-chan. I figured as much, but I was still hoping...

Anyway, Haru&Mona showtime still very good!

Man, I would kill to hear their explanations for what they're doing.

...this is incredibly violent, isn't it? I anticipate it with bated breath

Oh man, can you imagine a showtime with Kasumi? Maybe with Akechi, if Atlus isn't going to give me one

Which, fair enough, from a gameplay standpoint

Still. : (

"the Phantom Thief Basic Training"?

Oh, good, we're actually addressing cognitive people with Haru.

Oh, this is either gonna suck if they address the implications, or we're gonna see cognitive Haru. >: 3

Dream world, huh...

THE YUSUKE-HARU FRIENDSHIP IS SO UNDERSTATED AND UNDERRATED I WANT MORE CONTENT

THERE SHE IS!!! THERE SHW IS!!!!

Oh, man, I had a lot of feelings during that fight. That time limit though

I like how they updated this fight

Although I think I'm a little underleveled, potentially. I could not destroy her before she self-destructed, and it took me a while to beat the chief directors and executive director. Oneshotted Okumura himself, though.

OH MAN I SHOULD HAVE READ THIS BILLIARDS BOOK EARLIER

I DIDNT REALIZE I COULD INCREASE MY TECHNICALS????

I already thought that technicals were beefed up from how they were - I guess this is part of that!

Wish I had another book on kindness, ugh.

SO THATS HOW THEY CHANGED POSITION HACK

Ann & Haru have such similar colors. I wish they would have darkened Haru's a little bit more

Wait I never got to see the Haru-Mona showtime

I even had both in my party : (

GOD IWAI YOU'RE SO SHADY

I forgot to start his social link until now whoops

Although I've only had my guts high enough for past ~2ish weeks so there's that at least

Guh, I have to get to Mementos and start up Shinya's...

How many part-time jobs does this have? Like, 5? Maybe 6, if you count him helping out Sojiro? The convenience store, the beef bowl place, the flower shop, Crossroads, and now the gun shop. Anything I'm missing? I feel like I'm missing one.

Desire & Hope is really pretty. The Desire underneath is kinda weirdly desaturated compared to the hope, though. Not sure if it actually works as well as Desire did by itself. Idk. They're both good, but I liked how Desire looked a bit more. I understand that D&H has personal meaning, though. Who knows, maybe in person I would feel differently

I kinda really like that Yusuke tends to go more abstract with his stuff, even if he does try out a bunch of different styles

Maxing Yusuke. And thank god for Affinity Readings. Finally got Ryuji at a point where I can max him.

Oh. I had forgotten how Kamu Susano-o looks. ...

[fyeahteamhstyles]

I have felt this post has been long overdue. There will be fairness in everything I say and I most likely will offend some of you. But I can’t take all this hate and blame being thrown around. My only hope is that people take the time to read this and that some will agree and share it around so that those who are open-minded will take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Looking at the similarities between Zayn and Harry, there is a lot to be said for both of them. I am going to focus a lot more on Harry’s POV more than Zayn /because/ we’ve said all we can. I do believe that Harry didn’t want to be in 1D just as much as Zayn didn’t - if not more. People put so much focus on all the other pairings of 1D and seem to overlook the relationship between Zarry. I will not go into shipping details because this isn’t what this post is about. Harry and Zayn, in my personal opinion are woven from the same cloth. The only difference is that both come with special characteristics and different personalities. Remember, Harry was Zayn’s rock. These two had a special bond that was in my opinion a spiritual understanding. They understood each other immensely. You didn’t see it very much unless they talked about it. Both are extremely personal. It does not surprise me that Harry wanted out. Honestly, I think in the beginning he loved it. By 2013, that changed once Jeff came into the picture. Zayn and Harry were never meant for a boyband. They had so much more to offer. As Zayn said, Harry was meant for this life. Everything comes so effortlessly and easy for him. It is no surprise that he was a good front man. But Harry is a rockstar and Zayn is full of soul. Their talents range differently and both in my opinion will go very far. These two are on the same level and always will be - which is why I believe they are pitted against each other.

Returning on the topic of them leaving – I do believe if Zayn had stayed, Harry would have eventually left himself. In fact, when I think about this more /I / believe that Zayn knew that Harry wanted out. But I’m not so sure if Harry knew how badly Zayn did. I will agree that Harry can be extremely stubborn. He was salty for quite sometime. Zayn got out and was free - exactly what Harry wanted. Harry’s plans to leave were most likely in process WAY BEFORE Zayn. It left Harry in a situation where there was four of them left. Leaving wasn’t an option. He loved all of them and the fans - so he gritted his teeth and stayed on a bit longer so that it all wouldn’t fall apart. I get why Harry was upset. Everything fell completely on him. Keep in mind, Harry gained about 80% of Zayn’s lines besides what he couldn’t handle that went to Liam. Harry was consistently sick. The amount of times he had to go to throat doctors, go on vocal rest, and would never heal - shows just how bad the whole situation was. Let’s not forget that they weren’t allowed to be themselves as much as they wanted. I will not label Harry’s sexuality /but/ I do believe that it doesn’t matter to Harry - he loves whatever the fuck he loves. But the image that was forced on him was also a burden to carry. No, this isn’t me justifying anything - I am only speaking facts.

They had NO life. They couldn’t take a shit without a camera nearby, their privacy invaded, their relationships under microscopes, and having the whole world look at you with huge expectations. If you didn’t live up to it - they were crucifed. How is that something to be happy over? On top of this, Zayn was in fact the odd one out of the others. I will not sugar coat this. Zayn was mistreated horribly /not/ just because he was Muslim /but/ because he is a POC in a band of white boys. The amount of racists comments he got. Not just that, how he was basically blamed for the terrorism that goes on because of his religion and culture. With that and his anxiety, it was such a heavy burden to be forced to stand in front of thousands every night and consistently go as his healthy deteriorated. He didn’t fit in the group. It was not him at all.

So, when you look at Harry and Zayn now - I understand a lot more clearly on things. Harry and Zayn BOTH have a lot of the same views on society. But, white privilege is a REAL thing. And I am saying this as a white person myself. It is extremely real. Harry gets praised for feminism, no labels, not carrying about what clothes belong to what gender /or/ how he talks highly of women /but/ is sexual in his music. As where Zayn, gets criticize every chance people get. He can’t even breathe without being judged for standing up for the same things. Even his music is put down for the sensual and sexual subjects he writes about. But let’s praise Harry because he is an angel and Zayn is a fuckboy/bad boy. When in fact, Zayn is the most soft, kindest, sweetest, intelligent, insightful, caring, and loving soul. You can’t base his looks on who he is /that/ is unfair.

None of us know Harry personally. We only know what people tell us or what we see in front of a camera. I do not believe that he is an asshole and is so narcissistic /that/ he dropped everything 1D related and only cares about himself. I can’t say that he isn’t spoiled /but/ I don’t believe he is spoon fed either. Just because he has the Azoff’s /doesn’t/ mean that he doesn’t work his ass off like anyone else. But please keep in mind that Harry doesn’t owe us a DAMN thing. He gave so much during 1D and now things have changed. He enjoys his privacy and as old fashioned as he is - doesn’t need social media to communicate or show how he feels. He doesn’t need to validate anything. He is grateful for the years he had with 1D and has stated that without the band - he would not be where he is. But from what I got from BTA is that /he/ has closed that chapter of his life. I do not see 1D getting back together anytime soon. Years from now, I believe that a reunion will happen. But as of now, he is happy and they are all doing so damn well individually - in my opinion they are even better without 1D.

As much as I love Louis, I am sort of offended by his statements - as nicely as they are said. The whole hiatus has been put on Harry. It’s his fault in the eyes of so many and that is upsetting. I won’t sit here and play innocent as though I didn’t hate on Zayn when he left until I calmed down and listened to him - especially as someone who suffers from terrible anxiety. I guess it is easy to blame Harry. They all deserved a break. Harry enjoys his freedom and he should. They all should. The happiness they deserve and are getting, is long overdue. But do NOT say that Harry doesn’t care for them /because/ he does. He always will. And he stays in contact with them all the time. He even supported Louis during a time that he needed us all. So, I don’t understand where all this hate is coming from.

And as far as Zarry communicating, I can only analyze and assume a few things. Both are extremely private. I believe they are still very close /but/ Harry doesn’t know how to talk about it. In fact, we don’t need to know. When it is time, the truth will reveal itself. They both love the band and the boys very much. And OT5 is the only thing you should include when it comes to 1D. Besides the last 8 months 1D was together, Zayn had been there for it all of it. He built the legacy just as much as the others and still has so much love for it and is thankful for the opportunity. But we grow up and that is life - taking different roads. This is the reality of it all and I guess a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people. But, how can you be surprised? I believe Harry had made it clear years ago. Why were you not pay attention? So stop hating on them. It is like pitting Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney against each other. The past is the past and it is time to move on and enjoy the blessings given now. Stop trying to find flaws and make one look worse or better than the other. Both men are amazing and carry their own flaws, burdens, and choices. The least we can do is respect it. No one is to blame for anything - this is life and a part of growing up.

Stop all this nonsense. It is what it is. Support each other or say nothing at all. There is too much hate in the world as it is. Fighting over things that are pointless and silly boggles my mind. Both are grateful and love the memories and times they shared. But they both needed more. Now they shine as bright and beautiful as they should. Just as much as the other three. It all worked out in the most beautiful way.

And one last thing, please take it easy on Zayn. Understand that anxiety is crippling. I admire Zayn’s strength. But, give him time. Let him do things his way and what makes him comfortable. Even I had to learn that myself. I should know as a sufferer of crippling aniexty. It can take away and destroy so much. It can drown you and things you once were good at and could handle /become/ a daily challenge. He will have his good moments and his bad /but/ I haven’t lost faith in him and neither should you. I’m ending this now. My love for them both and the rest of the boys is neverending /but/ some of y'all really do the most. Sometimes, you need to look at the bigger picture to understand.

[jayisabells]

Sorry, once again, I've come here to rant.

My mom was getting on to me about my grades. I told her my grades in art and bio are really bad, but its early into this quarter. She tells me shes alright with anything above a B, but gets on to me for having an 80 in math studies, the 80 is because I got an 80 on the test which is not bad. Shes upset because an 80 is close to a C and I'll be in trouble if I get an assignment with a lower grade brings it down. Then she gets upset that I got a D on a stats quiz and I "always gets Ds on stats quizzes;" however, my stats grade is a B so I don't know what the problem is. I understand why she's upset about the bio grade, but theres only 2 fucking grades so far in the quarter, both which happen to be a 55. One of them is a hw assignment, which I checked before turning in, so I don't know why I got a 55. I was expecting a low grade on the quiz, but I didn't expect that low of a grade. I got a 70 last quarter in bio, so I need to get at least a B this quarter. The school sends and email to all parents/guardians about how "your student has the opportunity for grade recovery," so my mom got on to me about that. My F in art was because the teacher still needed to see something else before putting one of my grades in so she put a zero, but I showed it to her today. Also I have a great art teacher this year.

Also another note. People keep complaining about how some teachers are unclear and unfair, our bio and english teachers. I understand why the english teacher is unclear a bit, but not to the extent people are complaining about it. I usually understand her well. Then the bio teacher. People complain about how she keeps changing things, which I think she changed how she wanted an assignment she had us all redo from when she originally graded (note: she never put the grade in), now it was due today and everyone was complaining about gow she had stuff different on the original paper and the stuff she told us in class. I followed what she told us in class. I don't understand everyone's problem. Then there's this girl who always complains about the bio teacher and saying how the bio teacher does rediculous things, for example "I heard if you go talk to her about your grade she lowers them." This girl is I always saying "I heard," but if the bio teacher actually did this, she would have been fired ages ago. I mean I understand why she might get upset about you coming to her because you got a bad grade but you didn't try.

Now I am gonna talk about a friend of mine, no offense to her. She moved here from another country, but at her old school teachers would give students extra credit assignments if they asked so they can bring their grades up. Since middle school I've been taught, get it right the first time because the teacher is not gonna make an extra credit assignment just for people with low grades. And I agree with that. If the teacher is going to make an ec assignment they have to assign it to everyone, because then parents will complain, and there are so smart kids who don't need the ec and will do it and get a 100 in the class. My friend says thats ridiculous because you are making a student fail. As I said before I disagree. Now she complains/worried the bio teacher would be mad at her (the bio teacher was) for not having an assignment today. My friend was absent when the teacher gave us back the assignment to be redone, but she got it back on Friday and didn't ask the teacher when its due. Since middle school I was told it was nit the teacher's responsibility to give you make up work and when its due, you have to go to them and ask them. And I guess my friend was upset that the bio teacher was angry at her for not having it. My friend would have had two extra days to do it, but her absence was unexcused, so technically the teacher doesn't even have to give her the make up worm and just give her a zero. My friend moved here last year, so i guess she wasn't used to it. But the reason she was gone was because she is moving soon and her family, unexpectedly went to see it, so her mom didn't have time to call the school ahead. Then she said that she can't do anything about the unexcused absence unless she has a doctor's note, which is not true. I guess someone told her that, but all you need to do is get an explanation (a valid one) on why you were absent, written and signed by your parent. But i guess my friend didnt know that.

I'm just tired of people complaining about amazing teachers just because they hace a bad grade in that class. The reason I have bad grades is because I don't ask questions, I admit sometimes I just can't and don't study. The reason i get bad grades is because of me.

Now finally I would like to finish this rant about complaining about the stuck-up top of class jerks that are the smart boys. I'm in IB and at least dor my school, its a bit competitive. The top of the class boys are jerks to everyone they think are dumber than them and treat us like we are complete idiots who don't understand anything (and they treat non-ib students even worse). Just because I was slow, doesn't mean I'm dumb, there was no need to groan and complain ***** (this happened in 9th grade). Then there was **** who didn't do an assignment in Spanish, since I was his partner, he took my paper from my desk when the teacher was coming around to grade them and tried to copy it. And I was like nope and snatched it back on my desk, but then I noticed him looking over and copying answers so i dhoved it under my book. I ignored him during partner after that and the teacher noticed we weren't talking together and I got a new partner (she noticed i had a problem with him). Before he was my partner he was my friends partner, who told the teacher about him. He hit her and told her to pick up his pencil when he dropped it. He didn't say please he literally said "pick it up." Back to ***** apparently whenever my friend answered questions he would complain to his friends, and my friend heard him, that "she was so dumb and why is she answering the question." My friend is smart and amazing and honestly he can eff off. I believe people like him should be kicked out of this program. And the same guy also groans and complains when anither one og my friends asks questions (he probably thinks the questions are stupid, but they're not). I am proud of my friend because i could never be that brave to ask questions, i always think my questions are stupid and that why I'm failing bio. To my friend who asks questions, dont let this jerk change you. I will fight all the jerks for my friends. Also apparently some of the jerks made fun of my group presentation, while we were presenting. I didn't notice because I was focused on remembering what to say. I will fight these people

However not literally. I will not fight these people literally because i will get in trouble. I will fight them with my words

Thanks for listening tumblr, i needed to rant a bit.