#I haven't had a full week like this since I started taking my mood stabilizers.

[death-rebirth-senshi]

The depression has been really really bad this week and bloodborne's been the only thing keeping me afloat kinda.

[the-swift-tricker]

Hello. So. I think my psicologist cough some autism symptoms weeks ago and she said she's going to do some research and come back with the subject later. I'm 25, been through 7 professionals at least, who didn't even mentioned autism to me, so I'm... I don't know. I did some tests, read some articles, and suddenly.... A LOT of things growing up makes so much sense. But I'm, somehow.. afraid. I had an entire life without knowing this and suddenly... Even if nothing really changes, which really won't, I don't know, I really don't know how I feel, but I know is big.

Anyway, I know you're not an autism authority, and you don't own me or anyone anything but.. can you talk a little about being an autistic adult? or about how was it when you were diagnosed? How did you feel? Things got better?

well first and foremost let me ease your mind by saying that this is a very relatable mood. reaching a point in your life (particularly your adult life) where the idea of being autistic is something that suddenly seems incredibly likely can simultaneously be a huge relief and also completely overwhelming. so much of what society thinks of in relation to autism is told through a neurotypical lens and therefore it can be incredibly difficult to determine your own relationship with the idea of being autistic. for me it's been a long time in the making, only coming to full fruition over the course of the last year or so. i'm self diagnosed and haven't received any medical confirmations whatsoever but it's also not something i'm not super keen on pursuing. though it can be validating, an official medical diagnosis is daunting, expensive, and has a lot of other pitfalls. and i really am not that interested in all of that. through a lot of research and an equal amount of introspection it became perfectly clear to me that i'm on the spectrum. not only did it help make sense of so many parts of my life that had always been confusing to me, but it also eased this underlying identity crisis that i've been experiencing since i was a kid. in short, it was a sense of community that i realized i fit into perfectly, not because i related to every single autistic trait i saw or read about (since that's literally impossible as autism is a spectrum) but because it represented a sense of identity that really fit with all that i understood about myself.

an autism diagnosis, whether self or professional, is more than anything a journey of self acceptance and self realization.

and as to your question of whether things got better for me i can tell you that they absolutely did. not only did it help stabilize my perception of myself, but it also opened a door to taking better care of myself. i started realizing that i had been masking for most of my life and that helped explain the constant fatigue and stress i've dealt with for years on end. it also made me realize that i needed to do a better job of accommodating myself. i bought myself stim toys, found noise canceling headphones, started to realize when i was overstimulated, all of which helped my overall physical, mental, and emotional health.

all this to say that as one long term questioning autistic to another, i know it can feel daunting and even a little scary, but it is not something to be afraid of. realizing that i'm autistic is quite literally one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

i wish you the best with whatever comes next for you!