#I haven't given myself the license to fully engage because I know that it would consume my attention

[scorpius-rising]

I know it’s not helpful to think like this in the long term but I’m so close to the end of this saga the grief is hitting me. I started my degree 10 fucking years ago, and assuming all goes well enough in the next week in a fortnight I’ll have finally finished it, 7 years later than expected. A lot has happened since then, and I know that we all have different timelines and journeys etc etc but...fuck, man. I feel so behind. I’m turning 28 in five months and all I’ve got is $2000 in savings, $20,000+ in student loans, a learner’s drivers license, and the contents of my room. The longest uninterrupted period I’ve lived way from home was a school trip to Japan when I was 16 that lasted 17 days. Despite my best efforts, most of my friends have drifted away. I’m always the one reaching out, not being reached out to, and that has worn me down like nothing else. My academic studies, even post ADHD diagnosis, have pushed me into burnout so many times, and I have knowingly continued with this cruelty to myself because I know the only way I’ll be able to get a foot in the door for any of the jobs/areas that won’t make me want to kill myself is by being able to put the letters BA at the top of my CV. I’m just so tired. I’m so sick of torturing myself with shame because that’s the only way I’ve been able get myself to produce enough work within the circumstances given to me. And I’m already angry that I won’t be able to take a real break from the exhaustion of self vigilance, even if it will lessen. That people who make me feel like I’m safe and not an unfair burden won’t just come in to my life and give me a blessed reprieve.