#I haven't been psychotic since just anxious and that was around been seen as weird

[mortaljortlebortles]

I have been forced not to stim in order to not upset people

made to feel like the world doesn’t understand and made to rely on one person

have been told off for reacting differently

I have been told I am needy for asking for help or sharing when I am in pain with people who ask and care

I have been in the wrong and overshared- but i care and I have found the mid ground.

But I have also been taught to act the way I use to

I am never asked why just stop

Things are always punished more in me

And I have never understood why

I have since the age of 4 been anxious and punished, on edge.

I had a stammer at 5, delusions at 7, s/h at 8, panic attacks somniphobia, flashbacks  and disordered eating due to fear of chocking and delusions at 12, hallucinations at 16. And I have never had meds or therapy.

Sometimes I spill over and I overshare or I am chaotic

Help me work out why don’t threaten me with telling the safeguarding board or my parent ( like that would hurt my future) or say I will not suceed or live a good life if I don’t change

But give me no support to do so

A sensory room which scares me and takes me out of the classroom isn’t the answer. 

When you punish my actions when mentally ill you attack my neurodiversity to. The ways I cope. When you refuse to understand or help I turn on my nature, I change myself, I stop stimming because i know that my reactions to loud noises to people touching me make it look like I am unwell to a greater degree than I am. I pretend things don’t hurt, that i am fine, I don’t flap, I don’t raise my voice ( or I feel shame when I do) even when happy and excited, i don’t talk to my friends at school about bad things because teachers can hear, and I force myself to walk to your sensory room when i don’t need it once a week. I am fine when I start walking  but I am having a panic attack when i get there.

I can’t show any weakness at all- and my nd nature is a weakness to some.

You specifically mentioned my pacing, and pinned all my issues with autism. So you know what you did or reasonably should have done.

You made me not trust myself, lose my self, not trust anybody around me and you made me alone.

I am not sure if I am autistic but I have beyond reasonable doubt changed my eye contact, manner, enthusiasm, stopped stimming and acted neurotypical at my own expense for you and supposedly for society.

I can’t work out if you meant it or if it is ablism or if it is masking but all my senses hate me, I have no self and i am depressed. Maybe I mistook you - nobody was there in that room to give perspective. But I am hurt.

And I wasn’t before. I was happy till I went into that room.  

Autism and Manipulation

Neurodivergent_lou