#I haven’t done it in so long aughhhh

[theserlingbucket]

A Paimon. Credit card. They gave him a PAIMON. CREDIT CARD!?

[kaitoujokerscans]

The Night the Silver Cape is Set Ablaze CH9

<9> Showdown on the Ship

Silver Heart and Noir's duel continued.

There was an open bar at the observatory deck, naturally deserted at the moment. It had an empty counter and blank TV screen, both sitting unused. In front of them, Noir's knife and Silver Heart's rod clashed violently.

"Ghh!" He narrowly evaded Noir's knife and parried it with his rod. Silver Heart was on the defensive.

"Pitiful... you've gotten rusty, Silver!" Noir stepped away, increasing his distance. "You've been wasting your time with that frivolous phantom thief business!"

"Grr...!" Silver Heart quickly flourished his rod. "Silver Bind!" A wire sprang out of the rod's end and wound itself around Noir.

"What!?" The wire tightened around Noir. "Gwaaaaaaah!"

"How do you like that! I haven't been in the business this long for nothing!"

The wire dug deeper into Noir's body. "WAAAAAGH! ...Just kidding."

Noir's body swelled up and burst apart with a pop. As it did, Noir jumped out of the wire, spun around, and landed back on the ground.

"That's... Image Gum!"

"How much of a fool are you? Did you think that I wouldn't have intel on your silly little tools?" Noir scoffed. He gripped his knife and attacked Silver Heart.

"Uh...!" Silver Heart blocked the knife with his rod. Their strength was even, thus their weapons ended up locked together.

"Silver, you've always gotten in my way!"

"What are you talking about!?"

"When I was on a mission in Egypt, you caused an uproar near the pyramids so you could steal some pharaoh's treasure. When I was trying to stop a major mafia deal in Milano, you stole every last thing of value. When I was trying to get intel on a secret satellite in America, it was an alien mummy... That's not even the half of it. You've done it more times than I can count!"

"Wha... Then you've been...!" Silver gave his rod a push and distanced himself from Noir. The two of them faced each other on opposite sides.

"I get it, that's why you feel that way about me..."

"At last, you've realized... Is the guilt finally weighing on your conscience!?"

"No, not at all."

"What!?" Noir's face turned red from anger.

"I really don't care. If you failed your mission, that's your own responsibility. You were always great at gathering intel down to the finest detail, but you couldn't deal with unexpected developments. You couldn't adapt to the situation."

"S-Shut up!" Noir threw his knife at him.

"Ha ha ha, that clumsy attack won't hit me!" Silver nimbly leapt up, spun backwards, and landed with a light tap. But just then, Silver Heart's back made a dull cracking sound. "Aughhhh...!"

Silver Heart let out a garbled cry and lost his balance. He fell to his knees and was reduced to all fours. "M-My back..."

Yes, Silver Heart had a chronic trick back. And Noir didn't waste the opportunity. A cold sensation ran across Silver Heart's neck. It was Noir's knife.

"Which one of us can't deal with unexpected developments now, Silver? As long as I follow my plan, I'm golden."

"Grr..." Silver Heart glared at Noir. Noir returned the look.

"Heh heh, but this isn't the end of it..."

"What...?"

"I'm going to make you suffer... Spies have a ruthless method for it. Do you remember what that is?"

"..." Silver Heart bit his lip as he recalled.

If you're trying to torture a trained individual, no matter how much you hurt them, you won't get anywhere. Instead, you tell them that their beloved ones — their parents and siblings, friends and lovers — are at risk even as you speak. Everyone has people they care about. That is their weakness.

That was why spies always had to be alone, lest somebody targeted their weakness. Silver Heart and Noir never let themselves get attached to anyone back when they were spies. Otherwise, that person might meet with misfortune because of them. That was why Silver Heart had quit being a spy. He wanted to love others.

"It's logical, I'll give you that. But that doesn't make it any less cruel..." Silver Heart spat out.

"It's effective, though. Especially on people like you who have quit being a spy and formed attachments."

"What!?" The faces of many people Silver Heart cared about flashed through his mind. Upon becoming a phantom thief, Silver Heart had come to care about many people. Unlike when he was a spy on his lonesome, Silver Heart had been afforded joy in his life.

"What are you going to do...!?" Silver Heart exclaimed. Noir told him.

"Take a look." Noir snapped his fingers. The TV screen nearby switched on. It showed Joker, Spade, and Queen inside the Riviera building. The three of them seemed to be talking among themselves.

"Joker! Spade! And... Queen!" Silver Heart cried out in distress.

Noir marveled quietly. "Oh, I thought I had only lured Joker and Spade there... but it seems I have an unexpected guest. Someone you care about more than anyone else...!"

"Grrrr...." Silver Heart clenched his fists.

Noir pulled out some kind of switch from his breast pocket. "Your disciples are at my workplace, far away from here. They came there looking for me. However, I've rigged the place with bombs."

"You what!?" Silver Heart's eyes blazed bright with anger. He was seeing red, with his fire focused on Noir.

"Heh heh heh, I remember that look, Agent Silver. Those are the eyes of a spy. I came all this way to steal the light from those eyes..."

"..."

"Now at last, I'll bring you to your knees!" Noir kicked Silver Heart off the ground.

"Gwaah!" Howling, Silver Heart rolled over.

"Heh heh heh..."

As Noir approached, Silver Heart sat up and got on his knees before him.

"...Oh, you're going to apologize? This is a welcome sight..."

"..."

At long last, he was about to have vengeance for his long-seated grudge. The humiliation Noir had experienced would finally be wiped away.

While Noir looked down at him, Silver Heart placed his hands on the ground and began to say something quietly. "Noir..."

"Go on, Silver."

"...Grr... I didn't know, but... for everything I've done..." Silver fell silent.

"I can't hear you, Silver!" Noir barked, pressing him. But then, Silver Heart changed his tone.

"...Kidding."

"Huh...?"

Silver Heart looked up at Noir and smirked. "Juuust kidding."

"Wha-!?"

Just then, the top of Silver Heart's hat flipped open and out sprang a boxing glove. The glove rocketed up and punched Noir right in the kisser.

"Z'houuuugh...!" Hit square in the face with a straight punch, Noir staggered back. His vision went dark and was studded with crackling stars of light. The temple of his spectacles pressed against his nose, making it hurt even more. "Bwuhaaah!" Noir made a strange noise and fell onto the floor.

Silver Heart slowly stood up. "Ha ha ha! You fell for it, Noir!"

"Wha..."

"I would never apologize so meekly!"

"You swine...!"

"I've had to sincerely bow down in apology to a lot of women in my life. But I'll never bow my head to you, not ever!"

"That's nothing but hubris! Don't you care what happens to your disciples!?"

"I believe in them! They have more latent strengths than I can even imagine. I couldn't call myself their master if I didn't trust them!"

"Awfully brave of you!" Noir stood up and scowled at Silver. "Watch what happens, Silver. This is your fault!" Noir pointed at the TV screen. The other phantom thieves were still in the picture. "This is the end!"

Without any hesitation, Noir pushed the detonator switch. Immediately after, a loud rumbling "BOOOOOM!" came from the TV and the screen went fuzzy.

"...!"

"Bwahahahahaha! I've destroyed what you care about. Now you have nothing to lose. Just like me!"

"Ghh..." Silver Heart hung his head, his shoulders trembling lightly.

Noir triumphantly looked down upon Silver Heart. He beheld his pitiful state with scornful eyes.

"...?"

But then he realized there was something strange about how Silver Heart was acting. He was making a soft noise all of a sudden. It was as if he was suppressing laughter.

"Kh... keh keh... kekekekekeh..."

"What? What's so funny!? Silver!"

"Heh heh heh, you weren't cold-hearted enough, Noir! Take a look behind you!"

As he said, Noir spun full around. A strong gust of wind blasted him in the face. He could see three figures illuminated by the moonlight atop the roof of the deck. "Those are...!?"

The figures yelled.

"Phantom Thief Noir!"

"How dare you hurt our Master!"

"You weren't quite good enough, though♪"

Without any doubt, the ones standing there were Silver Heart's disciples: Joker, Spade, and Queen.

"B-B-BUT HOOOOOOOOW!?" Noir's cry rang across the deck of the luxury passenger ship.

[welcometothepenumbra]

PETER NUREYEV AND THE ANGEL OF BRAHMA (PART TWO)

CONCIERGE: Welcome back, Traveler, to Part Two of Peter Nureyev and the Angel of Brahma. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the tale. Or else.

***

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING. DISTANT AMBIENT ECHOES.

NUREYEV: Good morning, Juno. Did you sleep well?

JUNO (NARRATOR): I didn’t open my eyes for a minute. So long as I kept them closed I could imagine I was somewhere else. In a hotel room at one of those hot springs on Venus, maybe, or just in my apartment, waking up at noon on a Tuesday with a killer headache and Nureyev… there too.

I opened my eyes. No spa, no apartment. Just the holding cell Miasma had prepared for us. Couple of bedrolls in a Martian burial chamber.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

JUNO: How long was I out this time?

NUREYEV: Careful, don’t sit up so quickly. You’ve taken quite the hit to… wherever that thing hits you.

JUNO: (PAINED) I’m alright. Just gimme a sec—

NUREYEV: Shhhhh. Lie down again.

JUNO: I said I’m fine, damn it! Just—

SOUND: RUSTLING.

—turn down the walls, wouldya? They’re… they’re so damn loud; every time I look at ‘em my eyes try to make a break for it.

NUREYEV: Yes, those carvings are… unsettling, aren’t they? The writings of an extinct species: symbols and even ideas from minds millions of years gone.

JUNO: I don’t care what they say, those damn things give my heebies jeebies.

Hell were they writing in a burial chamber, anyway? The guy’s dead; it’s not like he’s gonna get up and read all their bad poetry anytime soon.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: Now that you mention it, Juno… I’m not certain this is a burial chamber.

JUNO: There’s a coffin right there.

NUREYEV: The dangers of looking from one culture to another. It looks to us to be a coffin, but these carvings suggest otherwise. This set of drawings shows the box in use: one Martian is placed in the box; they seal the lid; and when they open it again: two Martians exit.

JUNO: Glad to know stage magicians were alive and well in ancient Mars.

NUREYEV: These carvings… they’re the best-preserved I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know there were any drawings of the ancient Martians, yet here they are. Miasma must have found this tomb and kept it a secret. These symbols, here…

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

A single Martian body; it spreads, its hands reaching to either side; a gap begins to form, and then—

JUNO: Ugh. Stop it.

NUREYEV: Fascinating. They reproduced asexually, by splitting. This isn’t a burial chamber – it’s a birthing chamber.

JUNO: Eww.

NUREYEV: You’ve taken a rather aggressive disinterest in these Martians, Juno. Aren’t you supposed to be a detective? Hunting down mysteries, exploring the unexplored…

JUNO: It’s enough trouble trying to figure out why people do what they do. I don’t have time to worry about a bunch of supersized germs a million years dead.

NUREYEV: They scare you, don’t they?

JUNO: Swinggggg and a miss. Haven’t been scared of ghosts since I turned thirty-seven.

NUREYEV: If they killed each other off, you wonder—

JUNO: Stop it.

NUREYEV: What’s keeping humanity from doing the same?

JUNO: I said stop it!

SOUND: RUSTLING. FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: Juno… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.

Come back. Sit down. Don’t walk away.

JUNO (NARRATOR): And then it hit me all over again. That red room. Mag, with the huge owl-eyes. Nureyev. The knife.

NUREYEV: (ECHOING) Don’t… walk away from me! …I’ll do it! I swear I will!

JUNO (NARRATOR): A murderer. A monster.

NUREYEV: Juno? What’s wrong?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: I-I just… (CLEARS THROAT) Nothing, I’m fine.

NUREYEV: You hardly look—

JUNO: You wanna get your hands off me?! This isn’t a goddamn honeymoon suite.

NUREYEV: …Alright.

JUNO: So how are we gonna get out of here, anyway? Master of break-ins isn’t worth much if he can’t break out.

NUREYEV: We’ll escape when the opportunity presents itself. No guard patrol is perfect; this one will make a mistake eventually.

JUNO: Only question is whether that mistake happens before or after we’re dead.

NUREYEV: We’ll survive. We’ve never failed yet.

JUNO: The hell do you call this, then?

NUREYEV: A momentary inconvenience.

JUNO: God damn it, would you just… knock it off!

NUREYEV: Knock what off, Juno?

JUNO: I don’t know! Just cut it out!

NUREYEV: (SIGHS)

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

JUNO: Back off.

NUREYEV: No, I think I’ll sit right here.

Juno, I thought I heard Miasma ask you something. Something I’ve asked you before.

About how you could have looked me up any time you wanted to.

JUNO: I know.

NUREYEV: So. Why didn’t you?

JUNO (NARRATOR): We’d been in that tomb for days. We’d hardly slept, hardly eaten. Miasma had done everything in her power to break us.

And then I looked at him, and… those eyes. Even in this cave underground, they were so bright.

How the hell did he do it? Stay so bright through all of this?

JUNO: I was scared, okay? Scared I might find… aughhhh.

NUREYEV: Afraid you might find something you couldn’t forgive?

JUNO: If it turned out you were a monster… like if you’d done something really unforgivable. What would I do?

NUREYEV: It sounds terrible. To be a detective with the key to a mystery in your hands… and too full of fear to turn it.

Well. What if we solved that mystery now? Together.

JUNO: Look you up? Sorry, I don’t think I’m gonna get a good comms signal ten miles underground.

NUREYEV: We don’t need the comms. You have an uplink right here.

JUNO: You want me to look through your memories?

NUREYEV: You can’t run from my past forever, Juno.

JUNO: You sure about that? I’ve been doin’ some cardio lately and I think I’m gettin’ pretty quick—

NUREYEV: You’ll discover it all eventually. There’s no getting around that. So… look through my memories now. Then decide whether Peter Nureyev’s baggage is worth your time. Or if you and I part ways, once all this is done.

JUNO: Nureyev…

NUREYEV: The choice is yours – but, I’d rather you made it now.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to know. But… I had to know. Comes with the territory, in my line of work: get too curious for your own good, poke your nose in where you shouldn’t, and if you hurt yourself along the way, well, maybe you’ll live to lick those wounds later.

JUNO: (SIGHS) Alright. Let’s do it.

NUREYEV: Excellent. Only… Juno?

JUNO: Yeah?

NUREYEV: When they brought you in, your face… there was so much blood, and…

JUNO: Yeah, yeah, I got it under control. Let’s just get it over with, alright?

NUREYEV: Alright.

Now, um… how does this work, exactly? Do we say a magic word, or something like that?

JUNO: You shut up and let me concentrate, mostly.

NUREYEV: Ah. Will do.

JUNO: And… (SIGHS) Just try to clear your mind. Or whatever. I guess.

NUREYEV: (CHUCKLES)

JUNO (NARRATOR): It was almost easy by now. I closed my eyes. I let my mind reach out to touch his. I felt for the handle.

In the distance, back where my body was, I felt a set of slender fingers close over mine.

I opened the door.

SOUND: STRANGE HUM STARTS, STOPS.

MAG: (WHISPERING) This should be the central security room. Now, Pete: the plan?

NUREYEV: (WHISPERING) Make it to the Guardian Angel System’s core, steal the reactor that powers it, and make our getaway. But I still don’t see how we’re supposed to get from here to the Core with all of those security cameras—

MAG: Hush, hush. You think I don’t have another trick up my sleeve? For shame, Peter. Lesson one of thieving: a security camera is an obstacle, yes, but it has one glaring weakness: it sees.

NUREYEV: This is a very inconvenient time for you to go senile, Mag.

MAG: I think you’ll understand in a moment. Now, prepare yourself. You’re going into this security office and taking care of the constables on your own.

NUREYEV: I’m what?!

MAG: Bon voyage, Pete!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. SOFT THUD. DOOR CLOSES.

VOICE 3: D– did you hear that?

VOICE 4: Sounds like it came from around the corner. Probably just another supermaggot. I’ll take care of it.

NUREYEV: (WHISPERING) Damn it, damn it! Mag, what in the hell do you expect me to—

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

When trouble arises… I disappear.

SOUND: CHOKING, GASPING. THUD.

VOICE 3: So? Did you take care of the… who the hell—

SOUND: WET THUD, GRUNTING, THUD.

NUREYEV: (SIGHS) Alright, Mag. The room’s clear.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

MAG: And in record time! Incredible, Pete! Your fingers always were quicker than mine.

NUREYEV: Care to explain why I wasn’t privy to this part of the plan?

MAG: You’re learning on the job, my boy, and half of expert burglary is reacting on the fly. So just call me “the fly.”

NUREYEV: No.

MAG: Now take that constable’s clothes. I’ll take the one by the door.

NUREYEV: How can you be so sure that they’ll… fit.

This constable is exactly my size.

MAG: And this one is my size! Fancy that! Ha-ha! Lesson one of thieving, Pete: you can do anything with unlimited access to a digital work schedule and complete roster of all employees.

NUREYEV: Including getting them to deliver you exactly the uniforms you want, so that we can pass through the security cameras.

MAG: Precisely. Now, move out of the way and pay attention. I’m going to show you how to work a security console.

During my tour with Rossignol, I was able to get the security camera image of every room in this compound…

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

…except for one. There were several cameras pointed at that door, but none showing what lies on the other side of it. So what’s the only conclusion to be drawn?

NUREYEV: It’s a bathroom?

MAG: Of course not—

Well. Hadn’t thought of that.

NUREYEV: Mag!

MAG: Well, we’ll find out shortly, won’t we? Think of this as a learning experience. You’ll have a very short career as a thief if you don’t keep learning.

NUREYEV: Mag, what do you plan to do after all this?

MAG: Enjoying life without the constant fear of being murdered by the sky is fairly high on my list.

NUREYEV: You know what I mean. What’s next for Peter and Mag?

MAG: Well, Pete, I suppose what you do is entirely up to what you want to do. All jokes aside, I think I… might want to retire.

NUREYEV: (SCOFFS) Retire? You? I don’t believe it. Someone would have to chain you to a resort planet first.

MAG: Well, perhaps, but… I’ve been at this a long time, Pete.

NUREYEV: Well, I certainly won’t be retiring. I’ve hardly gotten started, and I want to be big, Mag, the biggest. I want everyone to know who I am. I want the wealthy to fear me and those in need to call for me. I want—

MAG: Whoa, whoa! Save some future for later, would you? We still have a job to do in the now, boy.

NUREYEV: Right. Sorry.

MAG: Don’t be, don’t be. I’m just as excited for that day as you are, Pete – I expect reading your name in all the papers will be the crowning achievement of my very accomplished career.

There. We’re in the system. I have access to the video feed from the other side of that blind door. Now we can prepare for what lies on the other side…

SOUND: BEEP.

Four armed constables. Wonderful.

NUREYEV: Let me guess: “Lesson one of thieving: never go in outnumbered?”

MAG: Well, this must be an outpost before the final room. Four guards is… extensive.

NUREYEV: But… not undoable. Can you shut down their communications with this security device?

MAG: Absolutely.

NUREYEV: As long as we ensure that no more can enter once we’ve started, we should be able to incapacitate them in this order…

JUNO (NARRATOR): (OVER THE ABOVE) Nureyev walked Mag through the whole process. Now, speaking as a guy who’s made a career of getting into trouble completely outnumbered, it was a good plan. Better than I could’ve come up with. And from the look in Mag’s eyes, better than he could’ve come up with, too. They talked it through a few times and made their way to the door.

NUREYEV: (WHISPERING) Ready?

MAG: (WHISPERING) Ready.

NUREYEV: (WHISPERING) Alright. In 3… 2… 1…

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES.

VOICE 5: (YAWNING) Is it time for the shift change already?

VOICE 6: It isn’t. What’s going on? You two don’t have clear— (YELPS)

SOUND: THUD.

VOICE 5: Call for help—! (GRUNTS)

SOUND: PUNCHES, WET THUDS, GASPS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

VOICE 7: This is Wilkins, reporting in! We’ve got a situation down in… hello?

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

You… you cut the signal, didn’t you?

NUREYEV: Pray that’s the only thing we cut today, sir.

VOICE 7 [WILKINS]: D– don’t move! You can kill me if you want, but… but I’m not lettin’ you through here!

MAG: Well, I think you’re a bit confused about how killing works.

NUREYEV: Mag! The plan!

MAG: But I suppose this is not the time. (SIGHS) Alright, alright, my hands are up. I suppose you’ll want us to call off our third comrade, then?

WILKINS: Your what?

MAG: Our compatriot? Colleague? Coworker? I’m having difficulty understanding your difficulty, sir.

WILKINS: Where are they?

MAG: Where else? Right behind you.

WILKINS: (GASPS) I-I can’t believe I fell for… where– where’d the other one go?

MAG: Oh, the friend I came in here with? He’s an interesting one. Very impressive. When trouble arises, he just… disappears.

WILKINS: Where are you? Show yourself!

MAG: One minute, he’s there; the next, he’s taken off. One minute, your head is there; the next, he’s taken it off.

WILKINS: Stop, stop!

MAG: I’ll give you a piece of advice, if you like: he always strikes from above.

WILKINS: Up… up in the ceiling? Where? I don’t see— (YELPS)

SOUND: THUMP, GRUNT.

MAG: Well done, well done! Posing as a corpse. Master of disappearances, my Peter Nureyev!

NUREYEV: Well, I learned from the second-best.

MAG: Very funny. Now, shall we deal with the reactor?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

NUREYEV: So this is it. The core of the Guardian Angel System.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The room was a big metal cylinder, stretching up so high that the ceiling was lost in shadow. Sticky red light clung to every surface. In the center of the room stood a huge transparent column, and within the column, glowing softly, floated—

MUSIC: STARTS.

MAG: The reactor. Look at it. Untold lives, like your father’s, taken by the lightning bolts of this self-proclaimed god. We destroy a deity today, Pete.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Now, to unlock the reactor…

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

NUREYEV: That music… we must be just below the square.

I think I remember that place, Mag. When we were up there, I-I swear, I remembered… something.

MAG: A memory? Really?

NUREYEV: I… think so. But not like any other memory I’ve had. Just… a feeling.

MAG: Peter, it will really be best if you forget all of this about the square, hm? You’ll sleep better.

NUREYEV: Forget? How am I supposed to forget the city I was born in?

MAG: (GROWLS)

SOUND: BEEPS.

COMPUTER VOICE: Reactor shield disengaged.

MAG: This is it. The ship I’ve arranged for us should be waiting outside once the shields go down. Are you ready to make our big getaway?

NUREYEV: …Wait. What do you mean, “sleep better?”

MAG: I’m grabbing the reactor. Get ready to run.

SOUND: CANISTER UNSEALS. LID CLOSES.

COMPUTER VOICE: Warning: Levitation reactor disengaged. New Kinshasa will fall in—

MAG: Go!

COMPUTER VOICE: —approximately ten minutes.

NUREYEV: What did that just say?

COMPUTER VOICE: Warning—

MAG: Our death sentence, if we don’t leave now!

COMPUTER VOICE: —evacuate. Evacuate. Evacuate.

NUREYEV: New Kinshasa is going to fall? Crash into Brahma, with all of these people on it?!

MAG: That was always the plan, Pete!

NUREYEV: You said we were going to stop the weapon!

MAG: I said we were going to take down New Kinshasa!

NUREYEV: I didn’t think you meant literally!

COMPUTER VOICE: Levitation power at ninety-five percent.

NUREYEV: We can’t do this! If my father risked his life to keep people free, Mag, I don’t think he’d want you destroying his home!

MAG: What’s gotten into you today, Pete? I feel as though… I don’t even know who you are!

NUREYEV: I’m home for the first time! I could have family here! You can’t just take it away from me after one day, there has to be another way—

MAG: Peter, stop this nonsense! You couldn’t possibly remember New Kinshasa!

NUREYEV: Why not? I lived here with my father, you said so, and if he—

MAG: Oh, for God’s sakes, there’s no time for this. You can’t remember New Kinshasa because you’ve never been here before!

NUREYEV: I… what? But… you said… m-my father…

MAG: I said your father was a great man, and I meant it. To make you, he would have to be.

NUREYEV: Have to be…

You never really met him, did you? You just… made it all up. You lied to me for years.

MAG: I may have said things that I invented, Pete, but I have never lied to you. Everything, everything I’ve said… it’s all been in service of the truth. New Kinshasa has to be stopped. That is absolute. For life to be worth living for those down below, this city has to be destroyed.

NUREYEV: But… why would you lie? People already think it’s terrible, they know it has to be stopped, they—

MAG: I lied because of how you’re acting this moment, Pete! Because in the face of uncertainty, a revolution crumbles. History is complicated. Facts take years, decades to prove absolutely, and in the meantime, people are killed.

Did I ever know your father? No. Am I certain there was a man like him, somewhere on Brahma? Completely. And I know that there will be more like him if we don’t stop this city now.

NUREYEV: And… you’re certain there’s no other way to do this, then?

MAG: Absolutely.

NUREYEV: How am I supposed to believe that, Mag? If you’ll lie, if you’ll say anything to prove your truth, how do I know this isn’t a lie, too?

MAG: Peter—

NUREYEV: We can’t do this. Even if it isn’t my home, it’s someone’s, and I won’t destroy it. Put that reactor back, and we’ll find another way.

MAG: And how long will that take? How many more deaths?

COMPUTER VOICE: Levitation power at ninety percent.

MAG: That’s enough. We can talk about this later. We’ve wasted enough time already.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: Mag, come back! You are not taking that reactor away from here!

MAG: I’m sorry you’re upset, but you’ll understand, Pete. You’ll understand.

NUREYEV: I said you aren’t leaving!

SOUND: BLADE UNSHEATHING.

MAG: Really, Pete? You’d draw a knife on me?

NUREYEV: Bring it back.

MAG: The man who pulled you off the streets. Who raised you.

NUREYEV: The reactor, Mag! Now!

MAG: …I won’t.

I stand for something, Pete. I thought you were the same.

Here’s something else I stand for, Peter: I won’t draw a knife on my family. Do what you like. But I will not strike back.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: Don’t… walk away from me! …I’ll do it! I swear I will!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

(GASPING) Haaaah!

SOUND: WET THUD, GRUNT, CLATTERING.

MAG: (GASPING)

SOUND: RUSTLING.

Oh, Peter… oh, my boy.

SOUND: CLUNK. RUSTLING.

(GASPS)

NUREYEV: (AFTER A PAUSE) Mag… oh, Mag, Mag…

The reactor.

SOUND: CLANKING. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. CANISTER OPENS, LID CLOSES.

COMPUTER VOICE: Reactor restored. Levitation power regenerating.

NUREYEV: There. It’s fixed. All… fixed… no. Alright. You have to do something, Peter. You have to do something. But… what? What the hell do I do?

VOICE 3: (DISTANT) They went this way! They must be in the core!

VOICE 6: (DISTANT) But… why would they put the reactor back?

VOICE 3: (DISTANT) It doesn’t matter! Arm up and get ready to take them down!

NUREYEV: It could be so easy. Just wait for the guards to take you out… and let that be the end of Peter Nureyev.

The… end of Peter Nureyev…

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

VOICE 3: Hands up!

VOICE 6: We got another body on the floor!

VOICE 3: I said put your hands up!

NUREYEV: They’re up, they’re up. There’s no need to shout.

VOICE 3: I’ll scan him and look him up. You check his pockets.

VOICE 6: Got it. Drop the knife, kid.

NUREYEV: If that’s what you want…

SOUND: CLATTERS.

Though I’m afraid the knife is the least of your worries. You can’t take away the most powerful weapon in my arsenal, after all: my anonymity.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

VOICE 3: Don’t get too used to that, buddy. Census database says his name is… Peter Nureyev. I’m callin’ it in.

NUREYEV: You may have found a name, constable, but I’m afraid it won’t be worth much to you. A name is but a signifier of the past, and the past is behind us. But as for the future…

Officer, in my pocket you should find a pen. I recommend you take dictation with it. I’ve a message to deliver.

VOICE 6: You can make whatever statements you want at the Constabulary.

NUREYEV: Today I’ve demonstrated that I can destroy New Kinshasa. Today, I’ve decided to let it continue floating. For now.

Pay attention, constables, because this is the important part: every time you fire a laser from this city, know that I come that much closer to destroying it. Know that I can do so whenever I please. Know that I will always be among you, that I could be anywhere, anyone, for I have no name, no past, no identity, and I never will again.

It’s plain and simple, constables. You cannot catch what you cannot name. With no identity, I’ve nothing to tie me down. And so, when trouble arises, I can just… disappear.

VOICE 3: Shut him up, already!

SOUND: PUNCH.

VOICE 6: Oof!

SOUND: HISS.

VOICE 3: (COUGHING) Where the hell… where’d all the smoke come from? Damn it, he’s getting away! Stop him, stop him!

JUNO (NARRATOR): He made it out, of course. And with those quick fingers of his, he made a new interplanetary passport – and the first in a long, long line of fake names.

And as Brahma faded into the distance, the man who used to be Peter Nureyev had just one thing to tell it:

NUREYEV: (DISTANT) Juno! Someone, come help, quick!

JUNO (NARRATOR): No, he– what? Ah, that doesn’t…

SOUND: BUZZING.

(GROANS)

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

NUREYEV: (DISTANT, GETTING CLEARER) He’s bleeding! If you don’t come in here this instant he’ll die, do you hear me, and then where will you be?

What’s the matter with him? You can help him, can’t you?

SOUND: CLANG. FOOTSTEPS.

He’s… fine then? Well… I suppose I should thank you.

SOUND: CHOKING.

…for giving me just the opportunity I needed.

SOUND: THUD.

Juno… can you hear me?

JUNO: (MOANS)

NUREYEV: This is our chance to escape! You have to get up! Now!

SOUND: RUSTLING.

(PANTING) Come… on…!

SOUND: THUD. DISTANT FOOTSTEPS.

More of Miasma’s assistants… there’s no time. Listen to me, Juno. I won’t leave you here, do you hear me? But… this is my opportunity, and if I don’t take it…

JUNO: (GROANS)

NUREYEV: Shhh. I don’t know what it is you saw in there, but… I’ll be back. I promise you I won’t disappear. Do you hear me?

Goodbye, detective… for now.

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): So this looks pretty bad.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Alone in a Martian tomb, surrounded by killers, and now, my one ride outta here just rode off without me. It all looks a lot like the end for Juno Steel… unless you buy what Nureyev said. Unless you trust Peter Nureyev.

So, Steel. You’ve seen his past, now. But the question remains: who is Peter Nureyev?

Peter Nureyev is… the son of a revolutionary who probably never existed. And Peter Nureyev is the son of a thief, too, a man who showed his love through lies up until the moment Nureyev killed him. And, Peter Nureyev… is a name – a name whispered in the shadows of a floating weapon, a monster under every bed in a floating city of tyrants.

Peter Nureyev is a thief without a home. And he was a thief without a name… until me.

Because Nureyev was wrong, all those years ago. He said a name wasn’t worth anything. He said that he’d never have one again… and then he gave me his. A gift I didn’t understand. So who is Peter Nureyev? Peter Nureyev is a man who makes me feel… makes me feel… a lot, okay?

And I know he’ll be back, because I know one more thing about Peter Nureyev: I make him feel a lot, too.

And why not? Everyone’s got a flaw. Here’s hoping his doesn’t get him killed.

MUSIC: PLAYS, THEN ENDS.

***

SOUND: RAIN, MUSIC.

CONCIERGE: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider supporting The Penumbra on Patreon. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Joshua Ilon, Kate Jones, and Noah Simes:

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

JOSHUA: Peter Nureyev… to quote Miasma, he gets what he wants. He’s a very… he knows what makes him happy and he pursues what makes him happy. He’s, he’s an adventurer. He’s Indiana Jones. He goes after cool stuff. And Juno, I think from a very young age learned to be very hesitant and to not trust good things…

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING SHUT.

CONCIERGE: We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Hannah Tsim, Elizabeth Miller, and Angel Acevedo for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories farther and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

This tale, Peter Nureyev and the Angel of Brahma, was told by the following people: Noah Simes as Peter Nureyev, Ryan Marchant as Mag, Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel, Kate Jones as Miasma, Sophie Kaner as Rossignol, and Jason Mellin, Scott Galica, and Kevin Vibert as the ensemble.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Grahame Turner is our script editor. Original music by Ryan Vibert. Promotional art by Mikaela Buckley.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

I’m so sorry you’ve been called away, dear Traveler. We eagerly await your return.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[miraivan]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I saw the new Star Wars movie, and I have a lot of Thoughts that it seems most people who have seen it haven’t had. So here there are in a VERY SPOILERY format under the cut. Please do not click if you haven’t seen the movie. Mostly I am just sad.

This is gonna be ramble. Just got back from the new Star Wars movie, and I'm still digesting it in my head, but I wanted to put my thoughts down because overall I think I came out of this movie really unhappy with it, and I want preserve my thoughts before I start reading other reviews or whatever. I didn't hate everything, but overall I left feeling unhappy. So, in no particular order:

Too many characters doing too many stupid/unimportant things. Lots of plots kind of everywhere, a lot of which just weren't interesting/felt tedious. Number 1 was the casino detour which was so stupid it hurts, and it amounted to nothing but a big waste of time. It gave Finn something to do, I guess, but it was really dumb. Maybe the betraying dude will come back at some point, but mostly that whole sequence left me twitching in my seat.

The whole movie felt like one of those movies where shit keeps happening just to fuck the situation up a little more so they have to keep running? It's a common theme in some movies and I absolutely hate it. The exit is clear and then suddenly EVENT happens and the exit is moved back five paces, then it happens again and again and again. It's a cheap and unrealistic way of building suspense, and gets absurd when you push it to the scale this movie did with people running from a planet to space ships, to smaller space ships, to another planet, to a door, to a tunnel, etc. It's just exhausting and tedious. It's not exciting, it's frustrating. And the longer everyone important to the plot lives through events like these, the less and less meaningful they are. Not that I want important people to die, but if they don't then there are literally no stakes. I don't care (much) about the secondary/background characters. Obviously I don't want the Rebels to all die, but when 20 ships are being picked off one-by-one and 19 of the ships have faceless background characters on them and one has all the main cast... there's just no fear. It's just tedium to get to the next sequence because I know everyone in the main cast is not about to be blown up.

Kylo Ren is such a fucking baby whiny manchild brat asshole dick. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS CHARACTER. I do not understand his motivations or why anyone likes him. His actor's choices for the role are also often mindboggling.  There were a few moments where he had some personality and interesting traits, but overall I just don't understand him. I cannot comprehend what went so terribly bad in his pampered little baby boy life that he got so seduced to the dark side by Snoke that he's totally down with killing his family, and also all these millions of Rebels. I just don't get it.  I don't get why he hates Luke with such a fiery passion, either.  Hating Luke I get, but the whole scene where he says FIRE EVERYTHING ON THAT MAN.... why? Why do you hate Luke so much? There's one scene where Luke maybe tried to kill him, and I get that was traumatizing for him. But, where did the fiery rage come from? I can make excuses for it, like Snoke convinced him Luke was some crazy asshole, or whatever. But it just doesn't make sense. That's just me making excuses for the movie's bad writing. There's no good explanation for why Kylo was so seduced so thoroughly. When you compare his upbringing to Anakin's, it's like a joke.  Anakin makes sense why he went to the Dark Side. We got a real understanding of his descent into the Dark Side and how he was seduced, and how he thought it was his only out/the only way he could protect people he loved/etc. There's none of that with Kylo.  Basically the only explanation is that he's a psychopath, and like... that could be okay? Some people are psychopaths. Hux is probably one.  But I don't think that's the interpretation we're meant to have for him. We're meant to think he's got light remaining and that he's redeemable, I just don't see how.

As he is he's just an utterly unlikable, nonredeemable character. Because he has no logical motivation for his petulant behavior, he's unsympathetic and since he's unsympathetic I can't root for his redemption. Even if he was turned to the light side, he'd still need to die for all the shit he's done. There's just no coming back from that. He's not a villain with shades of grey to him, he's just all black and that makes him really uninteresting to me.

Did they really need to kill off Luke like that? What an anticlimactic and unnecessary death. The stuff before it was interesting/cool, and the whole projection thing was very neat. I get why it would've exhausted him so much... but so much to the point of death... ehhhh. That seemed unnecessary. I suspect he'll be around as a Force ghost, but. Meh. It was very underwhelming after what was otherwise a cool fight sequence.

I'll never understand why they don't land their ships and things closer to their destination. Like the huge cannon thing, why not land it within immediate firing range? Why land 5 miles away?

Didn't need Rose randomly kissing Finn. Not sure where that was coming from? Was it just to try to drive a wedge into the Finn/Rey romance/relationship that seems way more natural and obvious? If it amounts to nothing then I guess whatever. She's a fangirl and was dying so whatever. But if it turns into a romance I'm gonna be seriously side-eyeing everything.

Overall there was too much happening and not enough down time. When I think about this compared to Empire Strikes Back, there's just no heart to it the way Empire had. This just has too many characters and kept trying to follow them all. They needed to focus on just Rey and Finn, with everyone else pivoting around them as secondary characters. Their reunion should've felt like Leia rescuing Han in RotJ. But instead we're following Poe (who is relevantly unimportant, I'm sorry, he just is) for huge parts of it, and what he's doing is largely uninteresting/tedious/boring because he's fighting in battles we are almost positive he won't die in, and causing trouble that we almost certainly know won't affect the major plot of the show. In fact, I'm almost positive if you removed most of Poe's solo scenes the movie would progress just fine on its own.

And instead of giving Finn something useful to do, they just sent him off on some illogical chase to some other planet to fuck around for a few hours? What? Why not just send everyone with him? Why not at least send as many people as could possibly fit onto that ship to get them to safety? Why not try to do more trips like that to other nearby planets?  If they could get to that casino world so easily in that ship why was it taking so long to get the other ships to that old rebel base planet?  Also, why didn't they fly the freighter into the Star Destroyer way earlier? Why was that not even a consideration? Why just let the Admiral die pointlessly when they could've planned from the start that after abandoning ship she'd fly it straight into the Star Destroyer? Why couldn't THAT have been the plan she was saving all along to tell Poe? And not wanting to tell him because he'd be angry about it, but it would've proven that she really was a capable, desperate war general and would've made a lot more sense that just having her sitting in her chair piloting (WHY IS SHE EVEN PILOTING??) the ship. How does that thing not have auto pilot? Aughhhh, that was all so stupid.

I don't know why everyone is frothy about the porgs. They were kind of cute when the first showed up, but got real old real fast. Overused. The salt dogs were much more interesting and way less gimmicky feeling.

We should've seen more of Leia's Force abilities prior to her flying through space.  Don't get me wrong, that was awesome, but I wanted to see more build up prior to that, or at least a few words somewhere that she'd had some Jedi training.

I did like how Snoke was the one orchestrating the link between Rey and Kylo, but I think it's absolutely moronic that Rey didn't tell Luke that she was having these visions/connections. How did she not think that was a *little* important?  I would've also liked to have seen more actual Jedi training for her. Lifting the X-Wing out of the water, running with Luke tied to her back, actually sparring with the lightsaber instead of just swinging it at a rock. I was so excited for her to meet Luke and train from him, but I feel like almost all of their time together was wasted. She wouldn't open up to him, and he wouldn't open up to her, and the training she got was sort of half-assed/stories. Some interesting moments, but just nothing really deep. (I also still think it's really dumb that the rebellion was depending SO MUCH on finding Luke that they based the whole first movie around finding the map to him, but once they finally found a way to him... they sent one random girl they'd just met. And Chewie. Why didn't they at least send a couple of people? Or at least someone Luke knew?)

Speaking of the previous movie, we got several scenes there that gave the impression that Rey was originally trained as a Jedi and witnessed Kylo's attack on the others. Didn't we? I distinctly remember a scene of her as a small child watching as a shadowy figure with a lightsaber attacked and her being abandoned on Jakku by her family. And I remember her reaction and visions when she touched Luke's lightsaber the first time. I'm TOTALLY FINE with her parents being nobodies (if that's even the truth), but it doesn't explain those visions. I'm totally fine with her naturally being awesome with the Force and I like the idea that as Kylo grew stronger in the Dark Side someone would grow equally strong in the Light Side, but I still feel like Rey needs more explanation for why she can do the things she can do. Maybe that'll be in the third movie, but I suspect we're just supposed to believe she naturally knows how to influence minds, sword fight and lift rocks, and I don't quite buy that.

I'm trying to think of more things I liked. Seeing Leia was wonderful. She's a hardcore badass, but of course it was tinged with a lot of sadness. I wanted a much better reunion between Luke and Leia and it's sad to know that even if she were alive we wouldn't get it because they decided to kill off Luke. I'm not opposed to Luke dying, but it didn't serve a really big purpose. Just bought them a bit of time to escape from a retarded situation they put themselves into... Wait, sorry I'm complaining again.

Ugh, I dunno. Everything I'm thinking about is annoying me. Yoda's scene was weird. Can he just show up whenever? Why then? Why not during a more important moment? The way he talked made it seem like he hadn't seen Luke in a long time, but showing up then just seemed random since he didn't stop Luke from destroying the Jedi books.

A whole host of native nuns living on that tiny island was kind of weird/unnecessary.

Ugh, I dunno. Overall I just wanted a more streamlined story, following the main character, where shit *actually happens*.  Other than Kylo killing Snoke, almost nothing happened in this movie. The rebels moved from one location to another taking ridiculously huge casualities and killing some Imperials too, and that's about it. I think the whole movie took less than a week. (Gotta love their magical time travel.)

The visuals were stunning, and it was great to see some characters interacting again, but a much better story would have involved the rebels escaping to a small base, having some quiet down time with just our main cast all together (Rey, Finn and Leia, maybe Poe), and following them as they went as a group together to confront Kylo (or vice versa). Spreading everyone out in varying storylines did no service to the story, and weakened it a lot in Finn and Poe's case because their stories weren't interesting.  Rey's was the only interesting storyline and should've been the main/central one, but it felt quite sidelined at times.

The Force Awakens wasn't perfect, but it definitely felt better written, with much better pacing and characterizations than whatever this was.  I felt like this was just really jagged and poorly put together, with lots of superfluous/time filling scenes, many of which went on for way too long.  I constantly felt bored, thinking, "Get back to the main plot!" while I'm watching yet another pointless space battle.

I'm really sad/diappointed. I love Star Wars. I was so pumped and ready for this movie, and I just don't think I liked it. I can't see myself settling into excitedly rewatch this the way I could other Star Wars movies. There's just no heart in this one for me. It's almost all empty action.

Ugh. Convince me I'm wrong.