#I have terrible motivation issues even now I’m goofing off

[tipsy-scales]

I finally started watching the Nier Automata anime last night, so here’s a throwback to felt dolls of 2B & 9S I made way back in 2017.

I have almost no memory of making these & no idea where they went. Thank goodness for FB memories

[willag42]

Yuri!!! On Ice Fanfic Recs with Reviews  ["P” Authors]

Note: Doing some major reformating of the YOI fanfic rec pages. The pages that include my reviews are now having the posts separated alphabetically by author (see below). I am also creating separate page(s) that allow filtering the fanfics by category. It's a work in progress, but I'm having fun with it.

This page includes my YOI fanfic recs (with reviews) for authors whose names begin with "P".

Note: For any authors whom I don't know the gender, I refer to them with they/them. If any authors wish to correct me, please do so.

AUTHORS REC PAGES: #0-9 -- A -- B -- C -- D -- E -- F -- G -- H -- I -- J -- K -- L -- M -- N -- O -- P -- Q -- R -- S -- T -- U -- V -- W -- X -- Y -- Z

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Refer to this masterlist for all of my YOI fanfic recs.

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Phyona (@rageofthenerd)

The way Phyona writes the interactions between Yuuri and Victor are some of my absolute favorite. She writes them as good-natured rivals, always ready to compete against one another; as both coach and both student, willing to direct and support one another; as best friends, willing to tease and goof off with one anther; as lovers, passionately invested in one another; and as soulmates, completing and fulfilling one another. She is amazing at writing both comedy and drama, switching between moods and creating the appropriate emotional gravitas. But her stories have positive messages about growth and becoming stronger together.

Nerve Endings

Rating: Explicit Words: 74.1k Status: Complete Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Canon compliant; Post-season 1; Domestic fluff; Anxiety; Miscommunication; Learning to relationship ❤❤❤❤❤  Summary: When Yuuri moves in with Victor in St. Petersburg, they have to work through Yuuri's anxiety and Victor's secrets to find their balance. ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: This is my favorite post-season 1 fic where Yuuri and Victor learn to live together. This is a story of their interactions off of the ice and how they inspire each other to be better people and boyfriends. Their interactions are awkward but eager at the beginning, and slowly they learn to work through their issues and grow closer emotionally and sexually. One of my favorite parts about this story is when Yuuri has an anxiety attack and almost convinces himself that Victor doesn't love him like he loves Victor, but he's able to work through the negative thoughts and recognize that it's in his head and that he doesn't deserve to think of himself like that. I really like how he is able to work through it himself, which I think is a powerful message. I recognize that this isn't necessarily possible for all people. We all need help at times and sometimes can't work through things by our own power, and that's why emotional support and medical science are so important. But don't discredit how much you can do yourself. Yes, Yuuri is an anxious bean and he can't help his brain chemistry, but he doesn't let it rule or excuse his decisions. He learns to accept and empower himself for both Victor and himself. I love this sort of hopeful and powerful message.

Puppy Love

Rating: Teen Words: 10.4k Status: Complete Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Canon divergent; Dog Yuuri; Curses; Dead Makkachin; Hurt/comfort ❤❤❤❤❤  Summary: When Yuuri gets turned into a dog, the last place he expects to end up is Victor Nikiforov's apartment. He learns quickly that the only thing worse than being his idol's pet, is watching him pine for someone else. ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: A wonderful oneshot that is both humorous and sad. Victor is suffering the loss of Makkachin and becomes attached to puppy Yuuri, and Yuuri simultaneously wants to hide from Victor and emotionally support the man through his grief. The story is charming in how these two become closer in this weird situation that does eventually correct itself. And they have an appropriately awkward yet happy and honest interaction at the end.

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Piyo13 (@piyo-13)

Most of Piyo13's stories are fluffy short stories, about 50/50 Victuuri and Phichimetti. All are appropriately sweet. Her wraiths pinned to the mist is a longer fluffy story where Yuuri and Viktor are scientists in Antartica. Her meatiest, and my personal fave, story is a series that takes place in an alternate canon universe where everyone has daemons - external physical representations of a person's inner self. She's currently written three fics in this universe, and I look forward to whatever else Piyo13 writes in it!

hollow ground

Rating: Teen Words: 40.9k Status: Complete Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Canon divergence; Daemons AU; Gold medal ending ❤❤❤❤❤  Summary: There's no rules regarding where a daemon has to be in relation to their skater, only that they aren't allowed on the ice. This has always seemed a little unfair to Yuuri. After all, he loves skating like he loves his own soul; why can't he have both? ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: There are several things I love about this story. First, the daemons are adorable and help enhance the story and character scenes without overpowering the characters we already know. They're given their own character without taking up the spotlight, which I feel is the best way to write OCs. Second, despite it being an alternative retelling of the series, every scene feels fresh. Piyo13 is selective about which scenes she covers from the anime, avoiding only retreading over what's familiar. The scenes are altered enough with the presence of the daemons to help them feel new. Additionally, she doesn't let the scenes drag, capturing Yuuri's thoughts succinctly and with wit, and then moving on to the next scene. Even better are the original slice-of-life scenes Piyo13 added to further develop characters and relationships. Moments between Yuuri and Phichit talking over chat (about more than Victor) that delve into their friendship; a moment after JJ's flopped SP where Yuuri helps JJ become motivated again; a moment at the end where Yuuri's parents tell him how proud they are and he thanks them for their love and support; and then all of the new moments between Victor and Yuuri, like when they first start practising pair skating. Third, and probably the best, the last few chapters fix all the major grievances I had with the anime's ending. (Note: If you don't want anything spoiled, stop reading right now). Yuuri gets the gold medal; Chris and Otabek end up on the podium with him; Yuuri and Victor's decision to return to the ice doesn't feel rushed (they return to Hasetsu before discussing their decisions); and, most importantly, Yuuri's decision to return to the ice is only influenced by his own realization that he loves it and that he doesn't want to stop what he's had with Victor just yet. It's not debased or obfuscated by rivalry, when Yuuri's main character arc was always that he's his own worse enemy. The series also includes two side stories: a falling star can't fall forever, a prequel about Victor and Vasilisa; and life's not a paragraph, focusing on Chris. Overall, this is an amazing story.

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possibleplatypus (@possibleplatypus)

possibleplatypus has recently started writing fics for this fandom. They've posted two on their AO3 account and have a few more ficlets and one-shots at their tumblr. I would love to read whatever else they bring to this fandom given the quality and creative storylines they've already brought to the table.

a song that never ends (Series, 2 works)

TECHNICAL SUPPORT Rating: Teen -- Words: 18.8k -- Status: Complete -- Summary: Research had needed a new field-tester (they always needed new testers, as most Aurors would “test” an artefact only once before screaming to be reassigned), and thus the most decorated Auror in recent history was currently shouting into a modified “smart phone.” Viktor was quite certain that phones were not alive, so he did not understand how they could be intelligent. He found that when it came to Muggles, it was best not to think too deeply into things. “THIS IS NIKE,” Viktor bellowed into the thin, rectangular case. “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

movie night Rating: Teen -- Words: 2.5k -- Status: Complete -- Summary: However, they had barely started Howl’s Moving Castle before Yuuri wondered if he had made a mistake. "What a fascinating concept! What spells do you suppose Howl is using to keep his, er, moving structure up?" Viktor refused to call it a "castle." A terrible mistake. ❤❤❤❤❤  Words: 21.2k Status: Complete Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Harry Potter AU; Aurors; Crossdressing ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: In this series, Yuuri and Viktor are both badass Aurors during a moment of downtime at the beginning of the story - Viktor forced into being a field-tester for the Research Department, and Yuuri recovering from his first, long-term undercover mission. What's really unique about this story is Yuuri's situation and what lead to it. He has taken on a new persona to help ease himself back into his life. Yuuri is amazing and adorable no matter what gender he is, and here he is both. I love how comfortable he is as a woman or a man and how his mannerisms change (and remain the same) across the two. There are a lot of misunderstandings during the first half of the fic - Viktor slowly falling for "Yukina", who reminds him of another Japanese man he was charmed by a year before - but eventually Yuuri opens up completely to Viktor and they become partners. So, so wonderful and sweet! The 2nd fic is a cute, little side-story after they've become partners, where Yuuri tries to show Viktor a Miyazaki movie... and proceeds to regret it once he realizes Viktor's one of those people who must always question and/or nitpick a movie out loud while watching. Haha. The ending where they re-enact an early scene from the movie is horrendously adorable though.

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powerandpathos (@agapaic)

Excelsior by powerandpathos (@agapaic)

Rating: Explicit Words: 77.4k Status: Work In Progress Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: (Mostly) Canon compliant; Except homophobia exists; Post season 1; Pair skating; Lesbian OCs ❤❤❤❤❤  Summary: Yuuri has won the Grand Prix, which was everything he thought he wanted. But for Yuuri, an end to skating could mean an end with Viktor, and when two female skaters approach them with an offer that could make them or break them, they are put to the test more than ever. Can they rise higher than they already have? ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: Another "homophobia exists within the canon universe" story that is still unique and interesting with how it handles the characters. Yuuri and Viktor are approached by a pair of female lovers who want to do a pair skate with each other at an official ISU competition, and they want Yuuri and Viktor to be their pair skating partners to get them to that point. Yuuri is an idealistic activist who never even really knew he was one until given the opportunity to make a difference. He can be a bit ignorant, following his heart on the matter and not fully understanding what he's sacrificing until in the thick of it and starting to be overwhelmed, but he's brave and kind and his heart is in the right place. He can be a bit preachy when it comes to Viktor's choice to support from the sidelines, but still loves him and tries to find a middle ground. Viktor is the pragmatic realist on the other hand, knowing that supporting this endeavor will cause him to lose his prestige and gold medals. Initially he's insensitive about Yuuri's choice, but eventually agrees to support him but in ways that won't cause him to sacrifice his hard-earned legacy. It's not that he doesn't believe in the cause, but rather he's not willing to give up that much. I personally enjoy this taken on Viktor and find his opinion a valid one, even though Yuuri's lines up more with my own ideals. Eventually, he does fully join and support the cause when things become more personal, but before then is a lot of struggle between the two to find middle ground and maintain a supportive relationship. It's a realistic struggle that I'm certain many couples can sympathize with, and I appreciate the story for going there. This story's greatest strength is the real-life issues, struggles, and reactions these characters face, and yet their desire to continue to support, fight, and love one another. It's a really great story that I hope powerandpathos decides to continue again some day in the future.

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proantagonist (@borntomake)

Drive

Rating: Explicit Words: 28.1k Status: Work In Progress Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Canon divergence; Road trips; Post Sochi GPF; Fluff; Feels; BFFs saving the day ❤❤❤❤❤  Summary: Yuuri remembers the Sochi Grand Prix banquet. He knows what he had the audacity to ask his idol, but that doesn't make it any less confusing when Victor Nikiforov shows up at Nationals two weeks later with a bouquet of roses in hand and a smile that doesn’t fool anyone. Victor has lost his drive and should be prepping for the European Championship instead of flying to Japan on a whim. After a crushing defeat at Nationals, Yuuri is in the midst of a crisis himself. Good thing they have their best friends – Phichit and Christophe – at their sides to keep them from falling apart. When Victor learns Yuuri must return to Detroit to finish college, he makes a rash decision to come to America with him. But why rush the journey? There's more than a week before classes start, dual existential crises to escape, and a budding romance to nurture. Time for a road trip. (A story in which two sets of best friends road trip across America together.) ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: Man, we aren't even to the road trip yet - we aren't even back in Detroit yet - and I'm already in love with this fic. proantagonist writes some of the best character interactions across all YOI fanfics - between Yuuri and Phichit, Yuuri and Victor, Yuuri and Chris, etc. And I am already so strongly invested in all four of the characters here. Chris' advice is halting Victor from his most unintentionally harshest commentary. Phichit is providing the emotional support that Yuuri needs at this time. And Victor and Yuuri are forming a connection earlier due to their friends' support. The latest chapter is my fave - they've pretty much had the entire beach scene conversation from episode 4, Victor has opened up about feeling lost at this moment in his life, Yuuri has an anxiety attack and snaps out all of his frustractions, Victor meets him in the middle, and they agree to help each other through their rough patches. Everybody is so supportive and wonderful, and I love such positive relationships. It's a sped-up version of their relationship from the anime with less miscommunication issues. And while I can definitely appreciate a slowburn, sometimes you just want to avoid a repeat of the same scenarios or the miscommunication tropes. That doesn't mean that there isn't a potential for more angst or miscommunication (I mean, there's always this fic's version of "Let's end this"), but everything is at a pretty healthy point currently. It warms my heart. And the roadtrip aspect just has the potential for so many more warm, supportive moments. I can't wait for more!

Winter Song Universe (Series, 2 works)

Winter Song Rating: Explicit -- Words: 156.5k -- Status: Complete -- Summary: Yuuri was aware that at some point — a moment in time he couldn’t quite place — Victor had become his boyfriend. There wasn’t a single instant when it happened. It was a slow awareness, as if Victor had silently been asking the question for months now, and Yuuri had been giving him the answer a little more with each passing day.

Falling (Victor's Story) Rating: Teen -- Words: 69.7k -- Status: Complete -- Summary: "What do you want me to be to you?" "I want you to be yourself." And wasn’t that just the funniest thing? This whole time, Victor had been trying to figure out which mask to wear to make Yuuri happy, when all he wanted was for Victor to take it off and show him the real person beneath. ❤❤❤❤❤  Words: 226.1k Status: Complete Relationship: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Tags: Canon compliant; Post season 1; Scenes between episodes; Fluff; Smut ❤❤❤❤❤  Review: In a lot of ways, I consider this the essential companion fic to the series. The story takes care to be true to the canon material while fleshing out the characters and their relationships with each other more. It doesn't spend time rehashing what we already see in the series; instead it focuses on fleshing out the scenes between the episodes and after the end of season 1. The story mostly focuses on the developing romance between Victor and Yuuri and has a lot of very well-written smut and emotional hurt/comfort scenes. For those perhaps confused by some of the characters' actions or motivations in the series, this story provides one potential interpretation by a fan who has extensively written and thoughtfully considered many potential headcanons on her tumblr. It's clear she deeply cares about the characters to spend so much time analyzing the series. She takes a lot of care to remain faithful to the series, while still fleshing out the Victuuri romance. It's a beautiful story.

[rei-reviews]

Rei Reviews- Orange

(so, this review was written in a different style than the other ones. I'm still trying to experiment with different writing styles to find something i’ll be comfortable with. I’d love to hear what you think about the review from a writing level because i’d love feedback on thar regard. Enjoy the review~)

“Orange” tells the story of Naho Takamiya, an average but good natured sixteen-year-old girl, who one day receives a letter from herself 10 years in the future. In the letter, it is described her future life is filled with regrets due to the death of Kakeru Naruse, a student who recently transferred to Naho’s school and started hanging out with her and her friends. And thus, she is given the task from her future self to save Kakeru from his terrible fate by keeping an eye on her new friend and being careful in the decisions she makes because they will affect the future. Considering the nature of its story I expected that “Orange” would be told in a similar manner to other time travel anime like Steins;Gate and Erased: keeping the narrative very tense and suspenseful and constantly reminding us and the characters that time is running out. Instead, Orange executed its story as a light-hearted slice of life drama with a time travel twist. Naho’s daily life was still going on regularly: she was still going to school, hanging out with her group of friends, and aside from her mission to save Kakeru, the struggles she faced were typical for a kid her age. This may sound like an issue but I was fine with the show’s decision to do so because aside from The Girl Who Leapt Through Time and a few others, there aren’t a lot of slice of life dramas that also have a sci-fi twist in them such as time travel so it was a refreshing take on the genre. The way the show tackles its time travel concept is far from revolutionary, and the letter from the future serves as nothing more than a plot device but in “Orange” ’s case there’s nothing wrong with that. This isn’t a show that aims to explore the intricate concepts of time travel and how it affects the world, but instead a small and intimate story about a normal girl and her friends, who want to help their friend to overcome his conflicts and avert his impending fate. time travel just happens to be the factor to help them. And the conflict that Kakeru is going through is also nothing grandiose but still very effective; with said conflict being the fact he’s suffering from depression. And the way the show chooses to portray said conflict is one of its biggest strengths. it’s not overly blunt or dramatic, and you can still feel through his subtle behaviors that he’s going through something harsh. I found this very realistic because many people with depression don’t always expose their symptoms in an extreme manner. In addition, the show does give you a glimpse into Kakeru’s perspective the way his depression is expressed is very realistic. And above all the dramatic scenes in which Naho and Her friends confront Kakeru to help him are so sincere with their intent that they were extremely uplifting to watch. And thus, I have a lot of admiration for this show because it’s rare to see an anime tackle such a subject manner so maturely. And yet, even despite the fact the show has its heart in the right place, I just couldn’t completely resonate with it because aside from its treatment of Kakeru’s illness, the show doesn’t excel in anything else in its substance. The first aspect of the show that really holds it back is the conventional characterization of its main cast, which is comprised of Naho and her friends. They are presented as good natured and their friendship is well conveyed thanks to their natural sounding dialogue with each other, and yet they feel very superficial. Their personality and archetypes doesn’t expand beyond basic archetypes. The motivations of the characters also feel like they were given to them for the sake of moving the story along and not because of internal conflict. Because the characters felt so shallow, I felt like I was rooting for them just because their motivations came from a noble place and not because of their own merit as a character. It’s not like I expected them to be complex or groundbreaking but a little more fleshing out aside from their general behavior was needed. The other key issue I have in the show the show handles its drama in a way that feels too safe. Despite the stakes that were present from the beginning about kakeru’s fate and the uncertainty Naho felt about following the letter’s instructions, I felt that the show was constantly holding my hand by revealing major plot twists in a very underwhelming manner. A huge factor in making a drama work is to not always tell the viewer what is going to happen and let them figure things out and this is something “Orange” felt to achieve. And even though the show ended on a very uplifting and satisfying note, the payoff was reduced because of lacking tension in the journey. Regarding the show’s presentation, the visuals were very average. The characters were drawn in a very appealing art style and I appreciated the fact they each had different facial features, but nothing really stood out about how they look and much like their personalities, felt very archetypical. The same can be said for the background art which despite being pretty detailed and being vibrantly colored, didn’t leave much of an impression on me. There were some standout scenes that were well directed, such as the scene where the 6 main characters goofed around town, but the way the show was directed still felt standard. And unfortunately, during the middle section of the show the show took a dip in animation quality and there was a slew of awkwardly drawn scenes. Now, going off model is a very common issue but in orange it stood out like a sore thumb because of the detailed nature of its art style. The show’s music was pleasant to listen to and it helped to give the show a rural yet pleasant atmosphere that fitted the setting. The OP and ED were however very bland and I almost always skipped them which is something I rarely tend to do. In addition, the voice acting in the English dub was a fine listen. The actors did a fine job working with the material they had to work with and the script itself felt natural. It’s not a dub I would claim as one of Funimation’s best efforts, but it was far from a dud. Unlike the characters of the show, I’m not filled with regrets over watching the anime. It’s a show that knows exactly what story it wants to tell and its intentions are very admirable considering the subject manner it decided to tackle. But because everything else about it is so generic and safe it failed to leave a lasting impression on me and it’s a shame because there was so much potential to make an excellent emotional trip. I would still recommend this show to people who are fond of highschool dramas because although orange is no masterpiece its relatively harmless and has enough to stand out from its peers. And even despite my complaints, I won’t lie that the payoff of seeing Naho and her friends help Kakeru was a joy to watch, reminding me that there is still good in this world.

Recommendation Level: 3/5

[kintsugi-sheep]

2020.12.13: The Beginning and Writing

Alright, so what went on this week?

I feel like I'm getting better at writing more frequently. The frequency being the issue first, the editing and grammar being the secondary issue. My diction's a little smaller than I'd like it to be, so I'll be sure to catch up on some reading by the time my vacation comes around.

I've noticed a lot of the prompts that I pull from Reddit tend to be written in the first person. I understand the function, as it allows a reader to become fully immersed in exactly what a character is thinking and feeling in any given moment, but I find that it more often than not covers up my poor grammatical skills.

Also, trying to get these all done in one run-through, without going back to edit or reformat between posting sites, is pretty cringe-inducing. There's nothing like writing an actually decent story, only to realize that the site you posted it to reformatted the entire thing so that all of the text is in one big block.

When I get to coding, I should be sure to look for any issue like this on the site.

I also learned how transparent it is when you slack off. One day this past week I wasn't feeling my writing and I can tell the people that did read it weren't feeling it either. I have to stay focused, not so much motivated. Sitting around waiting for motivation has done nothing but cause me trouble and shape me into a procrastinator.

That being said, I do have to keep my desire to leave at the forefront of my mind.

It's a strange feeling I get when I think about my family. Maybe I listened to too much Bush-era American rock music, but I'm tired of my hometown.

For a number of reasons.

But, when it comes to my family, I just get the sinking feeling that they're fine with everything around them being less than ideal. That they'll complain about something someone else needs to do for them rather than take the time to look inward. They aren't so unreasonable as to thrust all of their issues onto strangers or things like that. You could compare their grievances to things like, "This person who's job it is to do this things isn't doing this thing specifically how I want it to be done."

Whereas I'm trying to shift my response to be, "Can I do this thing? No? Screw it then."

As such, I'm actively no longer complaining.

No asking if someone else can turn the music down because I have work in the morning. No explaining why breeding the dog is a terrible, terrible idea. No asking why every room in the house smells like weed. Just me, focusing on getting out so I don't have to concern myself with these issues.

Because of all the people here, I'm the only one who seems to have an issue with any of this.

I've spent the last three years rooming with a friend in a shared apartment and did nothing but goof off because I had my friend around.

And this is the result of that goofing off. Back in my childhood home, typing away at a computer at night following a day of working. My job may be better than it was when I was at my lowest point in 2015-16, but I can't let my contentment with my job lead me to more complacency with my future.

I need to work harder.

I get this sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I think about what I should be doing. In the context of this, so many things cross my mind.

"It's getting late. Aren't you going to write 750 words today?"

"That last writing prompt bombed pretty hard, so why not take a day off?"

"It's Sunday. Are you going to post another one of those blogs on the internet?"

"No one's going to read it, you know?"

"You quit before and you'll quit again. How long do you think you can keep this up?"

"Your writing is terrible. Third-person, first-person, blog, it's all trash that's going to be ignored."

"Is this title/phrase/sentence just you trying to be baity? Do you think that's going to give you clicks?"

"Who do you really think is going to read this? You post in the dead of night and work all day, idiot."

"No one likes social media. Do something else."

"Magic the Gathering has better stories than you do."

"Critical Role has better stories than you do."

"The SCP Foundation has better stories than you do."

"All of your favorite mangaka have better stories than you do."

"You ever think that now that they're remaking Shaman King, that niche thing that you thought only you still cared about and had an opinion on will suddenly become mainstream, gain all the acclaim it deserves, and your take on the story will be drowned out by a plethora of actually competent reviewers who actually chose to go to school for things like English and Literature and Journalism?"

"I know that going to school again would damn you in the future, but don't you think it'd at least be a little better than trying to become known through scratch?"

"Trick question; you'll fail either way."

"You really padded this out didn't you? It may just end up getting bunched up on DeviantArt again though."

A friend of mine asked me a few months ago if writing was my passion. And I told her yes.

But, I don't know if that's true.

I love making up stories. The first story I ever created was spawned from a terrible, terrible drawing.

My friend Emmanuel had broken his arm riding his bike, so I drew a hero called 'Kast Man, King of the Kanyon'; the words were spelled with Ks because it was the early 2000s and there was nothing a K or Z couldn't sell. The drawing was exactly what you'd expect of a six-year-old who liked Dragon Ball Z. The guy was overly-buff in an non-biologically acceptable way, had upright, spiky hair, a monkey's tail, and no ears because he was facing forwards and you couldn't see ears from the front I decided.

From this one-off drawing, I began visualizing a theme song that was just the hero's name and title followed by the occasional "Ooooh"; as you would expect from a six-year-old who liked Sonic the Hedgehog.

I got into the habit of taking aspects from all the different media I consumed, mostly animated, and marrying them into one, jumbled mess of a story. This also led to me talking to myself. I didn't know why, but I just really needed to talk to myself and narrate this story happening in my head.

We used to keep a lot of rubber bands around the house for reasons I don't know and my imagination would be most active when I was playing with one. I frequently snapped them on my wrists, chewed on them, stretched them, broke them, and slept with them. When I accidently flung one in the midst of play, it was like watching television and having the power cut out. I'd just stop abruptly and frantically try to look for it. And, if I couldn't find it, I'd get a tight feeling in my chest and resign myself to sleep, unable to see the conclusion of my story until I picked up another rubber band.

This habit really freaked out the people who lived with me; mom, grandmother, uncle, and brother. To this day none of them realize what was going on.

The habit eventually switched to pencils, which I thankfully didn't sleep with, until it reached the point where I didn't need a tool of any sort at all.

This is where things got out of hand. You know how when you were younger and you saw an action movie, you'd have all this energy and just move your body in all these bizarre ways because it felt good? Like you could take on the world?

That was the next step throughout middle school.

And throughout high school.

And throughout college.

And throughout my return home.

And throughout living with my roommates.

We called it "pacing" in my house hold. Though, more often than not, if featured punching, jogging, skipping, jumping, and lots of talking to myself. I'd been caught multiple times by relatives and friends, none understanding what was going on.

Imagine getting caught masturbating, but having someone walk in every other day and everyone hearing you do it everyday.

I really toned it down while living with my roommates and now I'll just take a break to walk the floor, legitimately pacing this time, and get my thoughts together. The talking-to-myself hasn't stopped though.

It feels a little nice to explain this somewhere, even if no one but me will ever see it.

So, pulling it back to my friend's question about writing being my passion. I don't think it is.

Storytelling is my passion. I can pitch ideas, share events, or retell things I've heard, read, or seen with ease and confidence. The part wherein I have to sit down and write is the frustration, exhausting part. But, it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I'm done.

So I don't think writing is my passion. Storytelling is my passion, writing is my purpose and the medium through which I am most effectively able to share my stories.

And given how fulfilled I feel when I'm completed, and on the occasion that someone does respond to something I've written, I consider what I'm doing worthwhile. I just have to get focused on the act of doing rather than the end result.

That's what I need to do.