#I have so much reach backstory built you won't even believe

[branwendaughterofllyr]

I was doing the Tyrell family tree for my fic and I was screaming at Mattos what his damn daddy name is 😭🤣. Florence is my glam Auntie. By Asoiaf rules she supposed to be dead but by Trish rules she is alive and ruining Aegon’s life😌.

I am SO proud of my Matthos Tyrell, the rarest of creatures, a smart Tyrell man. He's so extra and I love him for it. I forgot how much I loved Florence Fossoway, we STAN an accounting queen, the mistress of coin. George leaving large gaps in the big family trees during important events has me scrabbling at the wall, but I guess I get to invent the Lady Regent Tyrell from the ground up? A silver lining in George not giving women names ever.

[14dayswithyou]

Sending Ren a kiss! ^^ Let’s say Y/N teleported into Ren’s universe but they weren’t Angel anymore. Y/N sees Ren and Angel talking together so they believe the two are destined to be together. If Ren/Redacted ever talked to them, Y/N they would be secretive and avoidant, even though Y/N likes Ren. Do you think Ren/Redacted would realise Angel isn’t the user anymore? Or he would bother connecting with Y/N?

✦゜ANSWERED: This is very /pos and /lh, but I'm... not really sure how this would be possible because, as I've said before, Angel is controlled by the player. Their entire existence is dependent on the player, so the moment they enter the game, there'd be no one to make choices for Angel or progress the game.

But if it were somehow possible for the player to co-exist with Angel and let them have full autonomy, then I honestly don't think Ren would care at all for the player... I'm sorry ^^;

All he knows is Angel, and all he cares about is them. His entire life is built around them, and his backstory is so carefully entwined with theirs... He has no connection to the player outside of them controlling Angel — he doesn't even know they exist — so he probably wouldn't really feel much empathy if the player revealed themselves to Ren.

At most, he most likely won't consider harming the player since, by technicality, they were once a part of Angel. He'd leave them alone, but won't actively reach out or concern himself with them either. Depending on how much information the player reveals to Ren and how much they like him, he might just glitch another version of himself to placate them. But his main priority is and will always be Angel.

The only way I can see this working is if Angel and the player are literally the same person — who can't be separated or turned into a separate entity upon entering Ren's world.

[titleknown]

Deep below the footfalls of light, slimy tendrils grasp for unwary minds, and neural scourges in lightless empires farm thinking minds as so much meat.

Masters of the mind, the parasitoid Thelid hunger for thinking flesh, at times infiltrators in dim-lit underhalls of other folk; alley-shadows and false friends with rasping throats, at times a nightmare force of war; streaming from unhallowed halls with insane machines and unknowable beasts with hungry eyes.

Their mastery of thought knows no bounds, their blazing thoughts burn lesser minds to naught, reality bends like putty at their conceptions, a mental fortress built from bricks of neural death. They have no mercy, even for themselves. They live as hunger consuming hunger in the great game to consume gnosis to reach heaven.

Their secret, however, is that they too are victims.

Puppetmasters they presume themselves, and yet they too are puppets to the dance of the God-Heads grown fat upon the minds of their subjects. The thelid may be masters of thought, but they too are mastered by thoughts of conquest not their own. 

In the great game of the great lie, they live in hunger born from lovelessness to feed the empires of the God-heads, misery breeding hunger, and the hunger in its slaking breeding misery too, mind after mind devoured and yet still an emptiness of the love they are forbidden.

Do not let pity stay your hand, but let it steel your mind against our true foes...

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...So, with Wizards accidentally fucking up and releasing a lotof Product Identity into the Creative Commons, I decided to do my own take on the Mind Flayer!

Now, due to the nature of that accidental release, one needs to be careful of how one would use it to avoid "gotchas" from Wizards for the stuff that didn't accidentally trickle out, note the care I went into to not use any WotC terms and to make my design distinct from theirs, but if you do it otherwise...

...Well, yeah. I'm at least happy about how I've conceptualized them, tho you probably won't believe what inspired what I'd say is their full backstory...

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This work includes material taken from the System Reference Document 5.1 (“SRD 5.1”) by Wizards of the Coast LLC and available at https://dnd.wizards.com/resources/systems-reference-document

The SRD 5.1 is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License available at https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/legalcode

Also, GARGLE MY ENTIRE COCK AND BALLS HASBRO! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO ENCLOSE THE COMMONS, AND ALSO MAKING TRANSFORMERS WAY TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE, A DELUXE SHOULD NOT BE 25 FUCKING DOLLARS IN THIS FUCKING ECONOMY!

[camrynsthoughts]

spiraling spiraling spiraling

well here I am going crazy. sometimes I feel like I've grown so much and then sometimes I feel like I suck right into the same headspace I was in years ago, like I'm just going backwards rather than keeping pushing forward. today is one of those days and my brain has been complete and utter chaos for about 8 hours now. and the worst part about it is the fact that I was having an amazing morning before my brain decided to spiral out of control. so here I am, writing on my shitty stupid Tumblr account (that look me about 30 minutes to log into. that's how I long it's been since I used this). as we know by now, I write on this blog because, well, I don't have a soul to speak to and I'm going insane! there is too much flying around in my brain and I want it to stop. this is going to probably be a big incoherent mess (and I'm drinking some wine so if this is more of a mess than usual, let's blame it on the wine) but here I go:

i. am. sick. of. not. being. respected. that's the basis of my thoughts. but then it goes into a hundred different memories of the plethora of times I've let people disrespect me. so that's fun to reminisce on! actually, here, I can state EXACTLY what led me to this delusional spiral my mind decided to partake in today. I was scrolling through twitter and this lovely tweet pops up that says some bullshit along the lines of, "if a man blocks you, just know you have touched his heart in some way or another." and then of course, I start thinking of the hundreds of times I've been blocked by you know who and it doesn't help that right now is one of those times! so there's the backstory of where all these thoughts have spiraled from and completely ruined my day.

I won't even get into the old days where I'd be blocked after damn near every conversation we ever had. but I want to focus more on the last year and a half or so. to what I thought, we were finally friends. after years and years of saying "we should just be friends" and falling through with that because we were stupid and young and horny, we finally became friends. at least that's what I believed. we'd rant to each other, we'd joke around, he'd be there for each other when the other needed it. I thought we finally built something that was mutual for what seems like the first time since I've ever known you. to me, it felt like we were finally at this healthy place in our lives where we had matured and we had respect and love for each other enough to not fuck up this friendship we had going on. that's until I once again randomly got blocked and have stayed blocked since.

I thought we were far past that point. I remember one time he had blocked me during that solid year I remained unblocked and we were consistently cool with one another.. and when he reached out to me a week or so after blocking me, I was pissed. I remember saying I was mad at him and that in the future I just wish he'd give me an explanation or a heads up so I don't spiral trying to find the reason (like I'm doing right now). and he completely understood and said he felt bad for that. well now I'm thinking he must not feel so bad about it because here I am in the same boat but instead of just being blocked for a week, it's been 7 months. and here I am 7 months later flipping the fuck out mentally.

before I go on, I'd just like to say... I know I sound like a weak fucking bitch. see, this is why I say "I feel like I sink into my past self" because I have this stupid soft spot for the dude and, anyone with some respect for themselves would be like, "I'm not giving this guy my energy ever again, fuck him for blocking me," and take it as it is presented. but no, I'm still like my old self in this way. I'll tell him "oh you blocking me pissed me the fuck off" but then do absolutely nothing about it! how awesome it that? this is another thing I've been spiraling about all day. I am literally allowing myself to get disrespected. no type of boundaries set, just letting people continue to hurt me left and right.

continuing off of the little paragraph before that one, here I am 7 months later flipping the f out. I mean, we've talked a few times in between there over dm but, who's surprised, I'm now blocked on instagram too. so there goes that. and still I have zero idea what led to this. and that's what hurts the most. after theorizing in my head all damn day, I think I've gotten down to the reason why I may have gotten blocked the last time in may. but honestly, at this point, I don't even give a fuck what the reason is anymore. I just wish I was told why so I wouldn't even be in the position. block me, whatever. but it's so harsh to not tell your supposed "friend" why you're blocking off any and all communication out of the blue. I could get if I was annoying or if we still had this toxic relationship with one another where we'd just fuck around and hook up, but it's not like that anymore and it hasn't been for years. and that is what is hurting me the most even thinking about any of this. before, I knew I was bound to get blocked the next morning after speaking. I knew once we saw each other, I'd be blocked and would just have to wait for the next time you'd randomly text me to potentially sext or see each other and fuck around. but this time around, it isn't like that at all. it was so out of the blue. and I didn't do anything to result in a damn blocking.

I feel so disrespected. anytime he ended someone to vent to, talk to, drive around with him to get his mind off of things, I was right there for him as a friend to listen and talk him through his own shit., and yet, here I am going though a time where I'd like some damn help and welp, I'm blocked so oh well too bad so sad. it hurts. I really thought it was different this time. I have so much admiration and respect for him and this is how I get treated in return. this may be a selfish way for me to think about the situation, trust me I've viewed this all from many different points of views throughout the day... but I just can't believe I lend out a hand anytime I'm needed and in return I don't even get any sort of explanation. and the thing that sucks is I wish I was just still upset about not having an explanation. now my mind how routed into different directions like how I feel like I got stomped all on and how I mean literally nothing. even after building what I thought was a meaningful friendship, none of this mattered to him.

I think what is pissing me off the most is the fact that one of the couple of times we have talked since he blocked me, we had a completely normal, chill conversation. everything seemed fine. so... why??? or even then, he really couldn't acknowledge the fact that he blocked me months previous and maybe like, I don't know, elaborate what the fuck happened? I guess I should've pressed him about it and once again, maybe I wouldn't be here typing this shit storm but holy fuck that is so annoying. I just get to sit here in my thoughts about what the fuck the last year of friendship even meant and he's just sitting somewhere like, "la-la-la :)"

I think this may be driving me more crazy recently because I moved home. and just knowing that we are back living in the same hometown eats me alive. I'm like damn, it would be nice to talk to my friend! especially since this town is so fucking boring and I have literally 2 other friends here. but i started spiraling the most when I swear to god I'm like 95% sure I saw his running outside the other night while I was driving home from my friend's house. I tweaked the fuck out. most of me was convinced that was him but there was a good 5% that convinced myself that I was actually going crazy. now if we were friends and I wasn't blocked, I would've texted him being like "bitch wtf just saw you running, it's late af are u good?" especially because I immediately thought about how he'd say he'd go on runs or walks when he needed to get out of his head. I instantly just wanted to be there for him and that's so annoying of my brain to even think. but it did! and what did I decide to do? download yet again another text free app and text him off a random number "are u running rn?" like a damn CREEP. well, it must have been because he asked "who is this?" and I said "Camryn you bitch" and of course I never got a response. why did I think I would? also, why am I so weird. I actually had anxiety for the next couple days after sending that because I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. but if everything was NORMAL like it was before and we were still friends and in a good place, it wouldn't be fucking weird at all. like hey! saw you running. ha ha. that's it. anyways, he probably blocked that text free number immediately when I said who it was. I guess I don't blame him but still, what the fuck did I do to begin with???

anyways. I just have been feeling very hurt all day. I miss my friend. I really cherished what we were about to build between each other after too fucking long of never being on the same page about anything and being the 2 most toxic people ever to each other. I was genuinely so happy and proud and content. I have my theories on why he blocked me and I have went in different directions of spiraling thinking about all of those today. I don't even want to get into it. but I'm fucking sad. I wish I could've been told what suddenly happened when it fucking happened. I obviously still would've been like "damn this sucks, gonna miss talking to you" but at least there'd be so sort of compassion and sympathy for me. I mean shit, I guess he doesn't owe me shit but I feel so betrayed still no matter what way I look at it. on the bright side, I know it is nothing personal. but then why cant I stop theorizing and spiraling out of control when thinking about it?

all I can come to a conclusion to is that I'm not respected. if I was respected, I'd be talked to about what's happening. he knows how I tend to be and how my feelings work. I mean shit, he always said he knows me better than any one else... okay then why wouldn't you know this would hurt me and I'm fucking upset and angry and belittled? make that make sense. if he had any sort of respect for me or our friendship, I'd get some sort of closure or literally just anything. but no, we pretend like nothing happened and we don't speak and I continue to get blocked on just about everything when I mean absolutely no harm... am I crazy? I've been typing this for so long, I'm starting to believe that I am actually crazy. I think I have to stop.

I wanted to write this until my thoughts stopped so I could maybe chill the fuck out and relax but I unfortunately still have too many thoughts and emotions and I'm sick or writing and my fingers hurt and I wan more wine. I also really want a cigarette or vape. that's not important though. I am sad, really sad.

you know I'm feeling insane when I'm debating sending this to him, finding a way to somehow. after I just got ignored 5 days ago. what is wrong with me??? I just hate feeling so understood by the one person who throws me around like it's fucking nothing. it's a really tough feeling. I just want to talk to the dude I thought was my friend after all these years but that's somehow ruined and I don't know what to tell my brain to make it shut up about this dumb ass topic. I'm quite annoyed. ok I'm done I think. I've been having this conversation with myself for now 9 hours and I think I'm going to crash out if I haven't done so already. I miss you dude, you mean so much to me and it's so soul consuming and annoying. I hope you are doing well. all that jazz. but I really mean it, even though I am pissed off beyond measure. see? I'm a weak pussy ass bitch. why???