#I have one to do for tomorrow and I still haven't started it lmaoooo

[boredymcbored]

Okay Let's

journal!

I saw a post of my homie Brandon (RIP) and he talked about how journaling helped him. Tumblr is my journal so let's talk it out!

Got flaked today by college friends. We were supposed to go to a lounge to hang out but no one showed but moi. It's okay. I know life is a bitch and we still have tomorrow. Plus I like the outfit I wore sooooo put it back on??? Absolutely.

Now I'm at a bar with trivia, the Olympics and the NFL preseason going on all around me. I have a bartender here that's totally trying hit on me while complaining about getting dumped and cool my guy but.. no. I'm more interested in the lady who handed out my food.

But am I really tho?

Honestly, I wasn't kidding about my infatuation blindness. Right now, ol girl has got me SPRUNG. Maybe the capital letters is a lot but.. yeah. I'm at the point to where people are hot and I mighttt flirt back a lil but... Are they really even close to her?

No. They aren't.

She knows how to make me laugh, she knows when to step in and be just annoying enough, she knows when to be sweet. She hangs out in my streams like me when I'm sprung off someone (hours at a time) but also pretends to be aloof to get a rise off of me (idk why but I love that shit). She's fine AF, I love me a talented mf and she's soooooooo funny.

And even though I'm still cautious; she could have anyone she wants, she's got fuckboi energy (being real), does she know what she wants?? She's.. shown signs that it could be more. The hours around, the fact she pleaded for a chance with me, the fact we could've fucked this out already if that's really what she only wanted, trying to win me over after fuckin up before, the kryptonite message. Maybe, just maybe, she's a lil sprung too?

But I've gotten my hopes up 3 many times before only for shit to pan out from it so I'm not buying into much until *handwave*. Idk what the wave means. We have some facetime chats? I go to Cali? We just keep doing whatever this is???

Idk.

It's all new.

And I'd hate for this to be the only thing I journal about but since I verbalized a lot of my pursuit of sport journalism thoughts out, I'll just say, the clay is being molded. Into what I always a question mark until the piece feels done but... It's happening. Something is anyway lol.

Finishing this off how it started, I cried looking back at some Brandon stuff yesterday. He still lives on in my thoughts even if his spirit has crossed onto the other side. Mainly looking at his pictures and realizing we have shirts that are almost exactly the same. And I cried thinking about the fact I'll never be able to say I rocked it better than he did. And he'd brush that shit off and be stupid n stuff. Man.

Experiencing loss young, loss in general, gets to you. Idk my friend group is close to processing half of this shit. I know we haven't.

I'm remembering how to find joy again after that. Live in my body again. Remember that the world is about our connections we've made and will continue to make along the way. This summer has really been abiut reconnecting to that and grounding myself. And I haven't been perfect about it, but there's no such thing. I do what I can. And it's panning out good for me so far.

But damn nigga that's why I wanted to hang with my college homies tonight!!! Lmaoooo. But, lord willing, there more days. And I'll try to cherish what's in front of me, if we do or don't do anything again.

There's a lot of beauty and peace in this world. If you allow yourself to live in it.