#I have no clue how coherent this is because I'm typing on my phone

[linya333]

hanahaki, dark fic & time loops for the tropes ask game? :)

oh yay! What good tropes

Hanahaki: C: Neutral or occasionally B? I don't go looking for hanahaki fics but it can occasionally be interesting to read. I don't like the take where the person is going to die if their feelings aren't reciprocated. I do enjoy the emptional constipation or being sick from bottling up feelings take. I do love a unique perspective or reconstruction of the trope (actually an alien blessing or makes you eat flowers rather than coughing them up for example).

Dark fic: hard to say either B: Like it but don't look for it or E: only from a trusted author. It depends on how exactly the fic is dark and the tone/how the darker parts are handled. I love a dark romance but dislike things written as horror/thriller. (Or things that I feel get too ooc.) I definitely feel like some characters just naturally have a lot of dark fic as tragic characters and I do like reading about them. So I have read a lot of fic I'd call dark just because I've read stuff about shen jiu for example recently (svss).

Time loops: solid B. oh wow. I do love a good time loop fic. I remember the first one a read over 15 years ago where the world started degrading in the loop as the characters stuck got increasingly desperate to get out. :D also as a subset of my absolute fav time travel trope... Of course I like it. I like how it can be used to explore character interactions and how much people trust each other. And teach them to communicate and work together. Also the desperation of someone to stop some disaster can be very good. I feel like this trope isn't super popular while still being well known so haven't seen this trope done badly as much as some others, so I only have good feelings about it. But don't go looking for it because I know there won't be a ton to find.

[essayofthoughts]

camellia and ivy <3

camellia - what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

I don't know that I could accurately describe myself when I was younger. I know how I was seen by others - weird and awkward for a start, which were often the excuses used to bully me.

What I do know is how I was after my dickhead ex, which is to say: a total healfing wreck. And... I know I've changed a lot from that aftermath because there's a couple of fics I wrote early in the healing process that are themselves me discussing healing and what it can look like and... I know I wrote them and I know how I chose my wordings and decided what to do, but I don't entirely recognise the person who wrote them as me, if that makes sense? I changed between starting That balance may return and finishing it significantly, and while, yes, counselling and moving into my own place are certainly things that helped I also think writing out a version of that healing process did too, externalising parts of the healing process so I understood it not just from experience but how it applies beyond myself.

So I don't think I've changed a lot - I know that I have. But at the same time, I think I've circled back around? I was a lot more confident when I was younger, despite the bullying, but the bullying did wear on me and left me vulnerable to dickhead ex who... proceeded to wear me down even more. I've regained my confidence in the years since, I am once again the person who's first coherent word was "no". I've changed, but at my heart, I'm still me - even if sometimes I look at my past self and struggle to recognise them.

ivy - what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Well IRL I'm pretty expressive so that's not too difficult to figure out? I'm also the kind of person who, when asked "How're you doing?" will answer honestly, even if the answer is "like shit" - I'm not the best at small talk. So IRL, I'm not too difficult to figure out.

What does seem to be tricky for people to figure out is to read my online tells? Which baffles me, because most of my close friends are ones I communicate predominantly with online, so at least for me, reading clues and cues in online communication is... more straightforward? I won't use tone signifiers and I don't expect friends to, but there's always just... things? I don't entirely know how to explain it but when your friend who's usually relatively cheerful just seems... uncommonly vehement, that's when you check in, right? Or when someone who usually responds quickly doesn't you can assume they're busy and possibly stressed. When someone is definitely online and has responded to you but they're doing so slowly, that usually indicates tiredness or boredom. It's just... lots of little things and it all depends on which friend it is and timezones and what's been going on for them lately and- a whole host of other things, but there's always little parts to pick up on

Or- it varies from person to person, but for some people using shorthand for things or text speak is a sign of relaxation. If I use it in discussion with someone it usually indicates a joke, unless I'm on my phone in which case it can also indicate typing in haste - but that's contextual and I'll often specify. With certain friends we have just a kind of unspoken joke of slipping into text speak "u shold not set x on fire" - even just the "u" indicates that we know we're all being a bit silly.

And. I guess I can be very strict and firm and especially on my blog in actual text (as opposed to tags) I generally type pretty formally but for what it's worth - I don't like lying. I can be evasive when I don't want to answer something but usually I'll just go "No, I don't want to answer that". And this also means that if I'm answering something and I say "I think that you probably didn't intend this subtext with what you said but here's how it came across to me" - I do mean it. I am offering my perspective and opinion and sometimes that'll be wrong! I know that most people don't overthink things the way that I do, and don't intend the subtext I read into things - I'm not going to take it as malice unless the person doubles down.

And from this, if I say "I disagree with this thing and here's why" I want to be clear that there's no ire in that disagreement, for me? It's more... I want to be respectful and honest, rather than playing along with something I find unlikely, and I want to explain my reasoning so that others can determine for themselves if they agree or not - sometimes I'll miss something and having my reasoning laid out means that the error in my logic can be easily and clearly pointed out.

And I understand that for some people this in no way repairs how my style can feel blunt and intimidating and daunting to approach - but for what it's worth, I promise I don't mean to come off that way and I am generally responding to things in good faith, without ill-feeling.

Of course, knowing my mood on tumblr is not necessarily made easier by this, especially given how rarely I make original posts. Sometimes I have a queue, but that means tagnotes on those could be reflecting a mood thats days old. Sometimes I reblog things immediately and that can be more reflective, but also my frustration at times is pointed at something specific (fuckn tumblr and all those recent bullshit changes, for example) and isn't likely to bubble over onto anyone else.

To return to the question - IRL I'm pretty straightforward and obvious. Online... I know I can be formal, but I do tend to relax with people I know, and there's always little tells in online dialogue, if less evident than in person.

Also, if you ask me how I'm doing, I will say. Even if the answer is "like shit".