#I have more to say but my brain gets performance anxiety at times so I'll have to wait

[violetlunette]

@foxigirl

For this: https://violetlunette.tumblr.com/post/750101935997206528/i-saw-others-doing-it-so-i-thought-id-give-it-a#notes

Ah, my pure, honest, “straight” and true Silver! <3 I’ll try to summarize instead of rambling: I didn’t warm up to him at first as I thought his entire character revolved entirely around Malleus or Sebek, whom he was always grouped with it seemed. He seemed less like his own person and more of an accessory. The only reason I started giving him attention was because of Lilia, who I enjoyed. But then I got to know him—or as well as you can know a character. Instantly, I related to his feeling towards his father as I have a very close relationship with my parents and I experience the same fears Silver has. I love Silver’s personality. He’s kind, honest, sweet, polite, and one of the hardest workers of the cast. I love that while he’s loyal, he’s not blindly so. If Malleus or Lilia pulls shit he calls them out and puts his foot down, especially if it harms others. I’ve never liked the servant who’s blindly loyal and willing to toss the world aside just for their master’s / lover’s sake character, so Silver won my heart at the Endless Halloween Event when he called Malleus and Lilia out for not thinking things through and possibly endangering students. Malleus and Lilia are precious to him, but he knows they’re not the only people in the world. That’s one of the things I love most about him; Silver will do what’s morally right, regardless of what it costs him personally. That being said, he’s not suicidally self-sacrificing either. Silver values his life and defends it along with others. He’s only willing to lay it down when there’s no choice. He’s also one of the few characters in fiction whose obliviousness I don’t mind. I had to think on why this was so as this is a trait in Kalim that bothers me when otherwise find him cute. Then I realized it’s because Silver isn’t willfully ignorant like Kalim who tends to ignore things, even when they’re spelled out to him. Silver was raised isolated so it makes sense his social skills suck, but even then he’s not blind. 8/10 he can tell when he’s caused someone trouble and makes steps to amend it. The only case I can recall where he’s blatantly oblivious is in regards towards Leona’s feelings towards Malleus, but that’s due to his personal experience with Sebek who’s less than honest about his feelings. Otherwise when the truth is presented to him, he accepts it and adjusts. (Oof, if only more people were like that.) I like him as a “character,” as well. Silver has several interesting dilemma about him. As stated, Silver is one of the hardest working characters in the series as he is always training and does his best to study. However, due to his sleep spells, everyone believes he’s lazy and with no other explanation Silver is forced to accept this as well. It’s tragic because the audience knows it’s not his fault, but alas… His backstory is interesting too, more so than anyone else in my opinion, and it’s so heartwarming. He was born to people who did bad things against the ones he loves more than anything, and yet those same people overcame that hate and chose to love him instead. Speaking of which I adore his relationship with Lilia. These two fully encapsulates platonic true love, which we’re getting to see more and more. The relationship with the others are good too, but it’s Lilia and Silver that stole my heart. (His dynamic with Idia is fun as well. I’m sad we don’t get more moments of the two interacting in book 7, but I digress.) All in all, Silver’s my boi. He’s a just, honest and true knight who fits the title to a T.

[breelandwalker]

Sneak Peek - Spoons In Spades

At a little distance he saw a fire, and beside it there sat three giants, busy with broth and beef. They were so huge that the spoons they used were as large as spades, and their forks as big as hay-forks: with these they lifted whole bucketfuls of broth and great joints of meat out of an enormous pot which was set on the ground between them.

- Niels and the Giants (The Crimson Fairy Book)

[img src]

-----

Intent: To give oneself additional “spoons.”

Ideal Timing: This charm can be made at any time.

Materials:

Spoons

Large Jar

Cotton Balls

Herbs: Hyssop, Rosemary, Thyme, Juniper Berries

When I asked my readers what sort of spells they'd like to see in this second volume of fairytale-inspired spells, one of the most strikingly popular responses was, "Is there a spell to give me more spoons?"

If you're not familiar with the term, "spoons" or spoon theory is a metaphor which describes the reduction in mental and physical energy experienced by people who are disabled or chronically ill, with spoons used as a unit of measurement to represent how energy and motivation must be rationed throughout the day to accomplish necessary tasks. Spoons are only replenished through rest or sleep, so once a person runs out of spoons, that's it for their day. 

The term was coined by Christine Miserandino in her 2003 article "The Spoon Theory," in which she uses dinnerware to demonstrate to a friend how living with invisible chronic illness required careful daily planning and prioritization, and how even with the best intentions and efforts, tasks are often left undone due to a lack of energy or an increase in pain. The term has since been adopted by wide sections of the online community in relation to struggles with disability, chronic illness, or mental health, as a descriptor for daily energy and motivation levels, i.e. "I don't have the spoons for this," or "After a full day at work, I have exactly one spoon left, and I need it for laundry, so going out is off the table."

As someone who regularly battles ADHD, anxiety, executive dysfunction, migraines, and depression, I'm a big fan of spoon theory, largely because it makes those invisible daily struggles, which so many of us have, much easier to visualize and explain. So in honor of all my fellow spoonies, here is a spell to help you gain those critical extra spoons.

For this spell, you'll need a fair-sized jar, some healing herbs, and a bunch of spoons. You can use plastic spoons or metal ones, if you happen to have spare silverware lying around. Use as many or as few spoons as you feel you need. If you need more spoons than can readily be acquired, you might draw or print out pictures or spoons and use those instead.

Place the spoons in the jar with a big handful of cotton balls. Apart from their mundane medical and cosmetic uses, cotton has healing magical properties and also represents the comfort that may feel lacking on low energy or high pain days. If desired, add several pinches of Hyssop, Rosemary, Thyme, and Juniper Berries, or a sachet containing the herbs if you'd rather keep things neat.

Close the jar, give it a big hug, and say:

I bless this jar and spoons And ask for the strength to function; And when I need a helping hand, These extra spoons I'll summon,

Set the jar aside somewhere safe. If desired, you might want to label it. You don't want anyone borrowing your magical spoons for their cereal, after all. When you need an extra boost to help you get through the day, simply open the jar and take out a spoon. You can carry the spoon with you, place it on your altar, or discard it to activate the charm.

Please keep in mind that performing this sort of magic should always be accompanied by appropriate medical and self-care measures. Magic isn't going to cure a chronic illness or permanently alter your brain chemistry. But it can help you cope with the symptoms and give you that all-important push to get yourself through the day. Stay strong, witches!

-from the forthcoming book, The Sisters Grimmoire, Vol. II; © 2021 Bree NicGarran

(If you'd like to check out more fairy-tale spells or any of my other published works, please visit the Willow Wings Witch Shop!)

[mingihttps]

dream boy

patient!soobin x therapist!reader

soobin has a crush on his therapist, but what happens when his therapist says she's dropping him as a client when yeonjun tells her about soobin's crush.

wc: >600

warnings: therapy, talks of anxiety and insecurities, a little lying, talks of things being unethical

walking on stages, performing in front of thousands of people, doing interviews back to back, and having every little part of my life known by millions of people wasn’t easy. my anxiety was getting very bad; even walking outside had become difficult. it got to the point that i was issued a therapist by the company. whenever i had my first session i kept zoning out and stumbling over my words due to the fact that my therapist was the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. everytime i had a session with her i would talk for hours about nothing and everything all at once. she would make me feel like i could conquer anything after i left her office, but i never wanted to leave, i wanted to talk to her forever.

i had sessions with y/n once a week for a year and a half before she recommended me lowering our time to every other week. i tried to tell her that i would still like to see her every week but y/n said i no longer needed to see her that frequently since i've made so much improvement. i have made a lot of improvement, she's not wrong, but i started lying to her about how i was feeling so she would see me more frequently again. so my session times got switched back to once a week. every monday i got to see y/n and i was always so excited. on monday mornings i would count down the hours and minutes until it was time for my appointment with her.

today was monday and i was already in my session with y/n. i had told her about our new album and our upcoming tour, and y/n surprisingly said she already listened to it. i “jokingly” offered her tickets to the tour but she didn't take the offer. before i know it, and much sooner than i would have liked, our session was over. y/n showed me out of her office and i saw yeonjun waiting for me in the lobby to take me back home. i internally groaned seeing him here since he is the only member i have told about the painful crush i have on my therapist.

“ready to go?” yeonjun smiled at me and gave y/n a slight nod as a greeting.

“let me pay for the session and we can go.” i said as i walked towards the reception’s desk in the lobby. i saw yeonjun walk up to y/n out of the corner of my eye. i strained my hearing to try to listen in on their conversation; unfortunately, when i did i could hear yeonjun tell y/n about how i liked her. i bite my lip hard enough to almost make it bleed, and squeeze my eyes shut to try to hide my embarrassment from the receptionist. i put my card away as i finish paying and hesitantly head back towards yeonjun and y/n.

“soobin! i just printed out the paperwork that would relieve you of my services, i'll need you to sign those.” y/n says to me with a large smile on her face. i look at her with large eyes full of terror. she’s dropping me as a client because yeonjun told her i liked her? why does she look so happy about it?

“what?” i say after a while, it was the only words that my brain could think of at the moment.

“well it would be unethical of me to date one of my clients. so, sorry, you’ll have to find a new therapist.” y/n winked at me. date? does she have feelings for me too?

“i'll wait for you in the car.” yeonjun says as he patted me on the back and walked out.

requests are open !!

[goingpostal1980]

The world MUST know about this.

If you're wondering who owns your copy of The Catcher in The Rye, it's me. I legally own all copies. My collection spans lifetimes.

Let's start off by saying... the real 'atrocity' is the spelling in this document. And total lack of any apparent sense... The world has to know what they've put me through... Everyone I know has already seen this. I'm very proud. I was ecstatic to receive this letter.

More than 8... less than 25. 25 is a little too far, do we think?

So I was put on the terrorist register for this... but it's okay because they took me back off. Pretty badass, right?

Tumbler is like my diary. It's so easy to post here. I love Tumbler.

Anyway, I felt so pathologized by this. And what a loss of dignity. The only way to combat this is to share it in a way that makes me feel that I have regained power... Is posting medical documents on the internet all good with you?

Note the logo at the bottom of this next picture. 'Young people friendly'. Funny.

The letter I sent the Psychosis Team about my life story was 5 pages long and contained printed excerpts from my journals spanning back to 2022. This didn't help. I guess I'll update you all on Wednesday.

Some have said my life is like a performance art project, I guess you could say that. I care a lot about my Public Image. It's important to Keep Up Appearances. Everyone, EVERYONE is sick of this stuff. It's too late now to stop, though.

Droped as a kid innit.

This lady asked me, 'Do you Google instructions on how to make bombs?'

I told them I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't currently self harm, I don't speak to strangers online, I don't have any social media, I don't have the means to make a bomb or cause destruction in any way, and I have no solid plans to do so. I told them 2026 and they put 2025. They sent me for an MRI scan. There was no MRI scan, just an interview with a Malay doctor who was shorter than me who asked me terribly worded questions... 'What do you hallucinate?' 'How many times a day does this happen?' (If I had a Malaysian Ringgit for every time I've been asked that)

I told the school nurse I was hearing voices telling me to hurt the people around me. I was told my self harm was superficial. I was told I had 'Generalized Anxiety Disorder' and 'Depression'. The family did not find CAMHS helpful at this time...

She asked me the HEADSS assessment questions - a psychosocial tool used on teenagers. My mother turns to me and asks me, 'Are you going to tell her..? About the... John Lennon stuff?' ...I tell her no. It's irrelevant. Did they think I had a brain tumor? Like the Texas Tower Shooter? Like Charles Whitman?

H- Home and Environment

I told her I have a good relationship with my mother. I really do. I swear. I feel that throughout my entire life I have been neglected. Our house is a wreck. I will never forget the things that have been said to me throughout my life with her. I I don't know if I can fix the impact of what has happened to me.

E- Education and Employment

Yeah, I love College. I dropped out of school, innit. I guess that's cool. Thanks for asking.

A- Activities

I don't know what these are, to be totally honest.

D- Drugs

I love getting high. I was given magic mushrooms at a party when I was 14. I love smoking weed with my friend winking emoji. I love to drink. I drink once a week or more, hard liquor or beer or whatever I can find. I smoke every day. I'm not planning on quitting. I will take whatever I'm offered. I don't think it's cool. I told her I'm not interested in that kind of stuff.

S- Sexuality

No, this one's true. I'm the Super Virgin. N.F.I. Not Fucking Interested. Don't you think I have enough on my Plate?

S- Suicide and Depression

I told her the last time I self-harmed was last year, in Winter. I told her I used to have suicidal thoughts but I don't anymore because I love my life. They left me with no support over the Summer for 3 months this year and I almost died. Nobody's going to find out about that. She tested my reflexes and put her hand directly on top of my scars. Bloody hilarious, I thought, as I had a heart attack and nearly died on the spot. She told me I looked very uncomfortable. No, I don't want to die, really.

She had an absolutely abysmal bedside manner. She told me, when I saw that I had a patient with psychosis, I was so scared you'd be... violent or something. But you're so nice. Or something along those lines. They made me wait for almost an hour in the pediatric X-Ray ward surrounded by crying children and snot and my mother nearly went batshit crazy. She said there were too many broken bones. The pediatric neurologist told me she liked my hair. Twice. She said I was 'Beautiful and Well-Mannered'. Isn't that nice.

There's a lot more I could say. I'll save it for another time... isn't it funny? I think it's hilarious. That this has eaten up 2 years of my life now and there's no sign of it stopping. I have become dissilusioned with the concept of 'Mental Illness' after reading some Foucault. It didn't take much to convince me. The real problem is what's around me, not myself.

I'll tell you all about the other stuff another time.

[loserchildhotpants]

My mother is looking for me.

I silently went no-contact a few months ago.

Years ago, when I first went no-contact, I announced that that was what I was doing, and it does occur to me that I didn't owe her an explanation then, just as I don't now. There is an aspect to me that has changed since the last time I went no-contact, though. I'll get to that.

My mother and I were extremely enmeshed for most of my life. Several counselors have referred to the relationship as covertly incestuous, and that stands to reason, actually. I hate it, I hate that terminology, it feels gross, but in retrospect, so does my relationship with her, it's just hard to see it as gross, or the source of such enduring discomfort when it's all you've ever known. So, I definitely didn't see it for a long time, it's hard to see the picture from inside the frame. When I look back, though, her behavior is deplorable.

She was less like a mom and more like a friend, and the thing was, she was a shitty friend.

In summation, she was wildly inconsistent; at times, she rose to the occasion and was what I needed, when I needed it, but those times were rare, and minimal in the face of all the rest of the time when she *commanded* me to be and do things like, rub her feet while she cried about my father's limp dick, or she'd start whining nasally while smacking me with her naked feet, talking about how mean I am to her.

She was always so angry in the face of a boundary. I was maybe 9 or 10 when I had to ask her to stop kissing me on the mouth when I was going to bed, and she got so upset with me. She asked sexually or medically invasive questions, and would often bully me and make fun of whatever the answer wound up being.

She openly bullied my sister, and favored me, and it was really evident that if I held fast to boundaries like my sister did, she would retract her love, just as she had with my sister.

She pit us against each other our entire childhoods, she's been manipulative, vindictive, and careless. She has facilitated some of the worst events of trauma and abuse I've suffered in my life, because her having fun or being perceived some specific way by other adults meant so much more to her than her kids being safe.

So, she's not motherly, she's not a nice friend to have, she is mostly a highly reactive child that needs constant gentle-parenting, and will not be held to account for anything she feels makes her 'look bad.'

All this to say, she can't function in any capacity for me that is worth the risk of the injury I incur when I'm around her. She is the elephant's foot of mental illness to me; the closer I get, the longer I stay, the sicker I become.

She's poisoned her entire side of the family against me, she'll tell basically anyone that will listen that I'm a pathological liar who inexplicably hates her for no valid reason, that I'm mentally unstable, and that she's clearly failed as a parent since I turned out so horribly.

On top of all this, we are morally antithetical to one another. At a fundamental level, what I think it means to be a good person has nothing to do with what it means to her, and there's no compromising that.

I used to feel great anxiety at the prospect of never speaking to her again, I used to wrack my brain for a way that this could be a failing on my part, because if it's my fault, I'm just a bad daughter, maybe I can fix that.

I've made myself so small for her, I trimmed so much down, and masked the rest to look how she wanted it to, and she was *still* unhappy with me. There's nothing I can do to secure her love, it's too conditional, and frankly, I don't want to perform like that anymore.

So, when separating by any degree, no-contact or low-contact, over the years, I'd feel anxiety, self-reproach, guilt, shame, but I don't feel that this time - or - that may be a lie. I *do* feel those things, just not in the quantities I have before.

Mostly, though, I feel badly for her.

Things weren't awful all the time, she wasn't *always* terrible, and in fact, with my father living and breathing under the same roof, she was still my only remotely functional parent. It's not as though I don't have love for her - I was born with love for her. It comes naturally, inherently.

I keep thinking to myself that she didn't think life would turn out the way it did, and she must spend a lot of time very sad about that.

When she calls my sister, sobbing about how she can't seem to contact me, she's not crying because she misses me, she's crying because this wasn't how the story was meant to go.

As enmeshed as we were, and as masked as I was to her, she was unmasked to me, and I think I know her pretty well.

I think she lived under this impression that the high's of life were all that mattered, and if she just avoided thinking about things that caused her discomfort, they wouldn't happen; she'd be young and hot forever, she'd always be the most popular girl at school, the most likable boss bitch at work, she'd have this air of Dignified Woman about her, she'd be super lucky just the way she was born, cultured, well-traveled, charming, upper-middle class, and life would *look* a certain way.

But she didn't invest in the future, didn't save anything, spent wildly, and we lost our home in 2008. Soon after, she divorced the man she'd spent 30 years with, the both of them hating each other the entire time. Then her eldest went no-contact, then the ex-husband needed to do the same, and then her golden mini-me, her youngest 'abandons,' her just the same.

So, she doesn't live a lavish lifestyle with cosmopolitan friends on the Upper East Side, she works 3 jobs in Florida that she'll be working til she's in her 70's, her ex-husband won't risk being near her because he has minimal contact with their kids and feels that consorting with her will pass whatever contagion she has onto him and he'll lose what crumbs he considers a successful relationship with his daughters. (The guy also thinks he's a Good Father for not having beaten us regularly, so his metrics about what is quality is pretty questionable)

In her head, she had this idea - she'd marry this really handsome guy, and her love could Fix him, y'know? He was so angry, so sad, so 'damaged,' and they had such great physical chemistry while they were young, she'd make it work, so they'd *look* great together. He'd work a particular kind of job she got him (and he did, for 15 years), she'd work a high paying job too, and still do all the housework, keep everything trim and pretty, including herself and her kids. We'd be a perfect family unit, beautiful to look at, unburdened by profound societal despair or existential thinking, we'd all be socially acceptable, and lovely, and she'd retire at 60 with comfort, if not a friend in her husband than a partner at least, she'd certainly never feel alone, and that's not what happened.

Her family unit fell apart, because nothing meaningful was holding it together. She might argue that love was holding it together, but if the love is conditional, that foundation will invariably, eventually fail.

I think that's why it's not enough for her that she has all of her blood relatives rallying around her, validating her perpetual victimhood, telling her how much of a martyr she is, and how wronged she's been. The sympathy is fine, but it's not lasting, and that pitying attention may sustain her for a while, but then she's alone again, sitting in the ruins of the future she built for herself, not wanting to look inward at all, because to her, accountability is tantamount to personal attack. She won't look inward the same way she would never self-harm.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I get it. I get that, at 66, it has to be fucking heart-rending to look back on one's life thus far, and take stock, and think 'no, no, no, it wasn't supposed to be like this at all!'

It doesn't really matter that her expectations weren't rooted in reality. She maintained them, and so she's disappointed.

It's a sad affair, the entire thing. I feel badly for her. She thought she'd be young and hot forever, she thought the family unit she built and birthed would owe her complete, unwavering fealty, she thought she'd be so much more comfortable than she is, and here she is, full enough of self-pity to drown in it, unable or unwilling to recognize that she is the only one that can save herself.

It's not like she's at the end of her life or anything, if she wanted to change herself, and her life, and what it looks and feels like, she could do that. It would take focus, discipline, and frankly a lot of therapy, but it could be done. It's not like the wrap up music is playing.

Still, it won't be the life she dreamt of for herself, and when I think of her, I see this injured child, red-faced crying over dashed hopes. It's sad.

I need to stay away, because if I get near the crying child, she begs me to comfort her, and then scratches, punches, and claws at me, screams at me that her misery is all my fault, that I'm the one that abandoned this child and she'll never forgive that, she'll never forgive how heartless and cold I am, and all of that hurts very much, because she's *not* a child, she's my mother, and so when she says these things, yells, cries, transfers all that onto me, it wounds me.

My mother is looking for me, and I can't let her find me. At least, not right now. I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that sort of interaction right now.

There's no point to this really. I just had to put my thoughts down somewhere.

[xstarlightxstarbrightx]

Kaeya headcanons

i'm speedrunning this before work while my breakfast is cooking so BEAR WITH ME, i have SO MANY thoughts on my bbgrl

current list of h/c's: - ice skater kaeya, i will die on this hill. will have a post abt that one day b/c there's so much to it that i want to scream abt and Thoughts (tm) to be had (like him getting flustered??? OUGH i need to restrain myself) - speaking of flustered, he's really good at keeping his cool (pun fully intended, fight me) and he typically is the one who CAUSES the flustering. smooth af and KNOWS it - he likes to cause chaos and mayhem. a bit of a gremlin. mischievous man. perhaps a tad prankster in his bones. playful teasing bastard and has a lot of fun w/ it. - cold hands. nothing more. - when push comes to shove, Kaeya's the guy w/ the plan. like genuinely he's incredibly strategic and has the main plan, and like two or three back up plans. it's not even like an anxiety thing he just wants to be prepared, and he makes them up pretty last minute. - he's kind of an assassin-style character, y'know? not as much of a main fighter as he is a sneaky backstabber. roguish and charming but can and will yeet u type deal right??? - LOYAL to a GODDAMN FAULT. i TRULY believe this man's loyalty is unshakeable. like he'd do anything to the people he cherishes the most. and if he perceives u as a threat??? a threat to the things he cares about?????? ur on the list now and there's no escape. - incredibly perceptive! like he's really good at getting information from people already, but i feel like that just makes it a lot easier for him to notice when Something Is Up. it's hard to catch him unawares. - kaeya's great and i love him but he doesn't love himself and i'm sorry this man definitely feels like he's got really bad self esteem. Like he KNOWS he can get shit done, but he has a hard time believing that anyone likes him and probably has trust issues b/c of it. - i also feel like he doesn't like the spotlight? like specifically Kaeya; if he needs to put on a persona for the spotlight, it doesn't phase him bc he's good at hiding behind a persona. but the moment Actual Kaeya gets spotlight he's like a bit of a mess and nervous and would just rathe people enjoy themselves. essentially just doesn't want the spotlight. - abandonment issues. i don't need to explain this one. - kaeya puts on the air of an anti-hero but he's a quiet paragon himself. literally helps people out of habit and while he jokes abt it he doesn't actually expect anything in return and literally forgets he helped ppl bc it's just so engrained in his brain. - epitome of "sorry i had feelings, i'll replace em w/ jokes right away" - not the best cook tbh? like he can make some GOOD snacks (chicken mushroom skewers, a fried egg, simple stuff like that) but ask him to cook actual meals and he's at a loss for food prep and has no idea how to time everything in the dish. - emotionally available but only for other ppl. cannot and will not express his own emotions bc of aforementioned anxieties; but u wanna talk to him abt shit? he's all ears and will comfort u like a bbgrl. - this is less of a h/c but actually canon, and that's just that Kaeya's lonely. i genuinely think he wants to be around ppl but he feels like they wouldn't like the real him :(( - on that note, i WILL say that, despite his playfulness, this man is a romantic at heart??? like he probably LOVES poetry and writing and music, and the only reason he makes light of it is b/c he thinks it's funny and also to make people underestimate him. he would probably die for the opera performances in Fontaine tbh. OKAY,,, i've gotta hurry up and wrap this post bc i have work soon but please here thank u this is my bbgrl kaeya i love him so much. he has been in my main party since day one and like i'm beyond attached to this lil shit, like PLEASE HIS VOICELINES ARE SO GOOD. i will talk more abt my kaelumi h/c's and explain how things go in my "canon", b/c i'm trying to go in order of how all the poly met each other. WHICH means that Zhongli's next!!! b/c ofc i'm going to scream abt him, my friend's playing his archon quest and letting me watch it again and i'm taking so many notes its not even FUNNY.

[i984]

Signing off...

Hello! I want to start this post by telling you guys something really interesting...

Tl;dr: I'm taking a break for a month due to severe stress and performance anxiety, plus college and work is kicking me in the arse, but do send requests and prompts in because I need to write them FLUFF to get rid of the stress. Love ya!

So a month ago I stumbled upon a really amazing writer here on tumblr dearest, and I immediately fell in love with their work. It was so well written, and I couldn't comprehend the fact that it was the first ever story they've ever written and they wrote it under such circumstances that if I were to be put in their position, I can guarantee I wouldn't even be able to string a coherent sentence.

Anyway, that really got me thinking.

It's been two months since I first started writing, and revisiting old works of mine reveals something along the lines of "I'm not improving," and "I'm not creative."

It's been a problem I seem to notice, is that I struggle a lot with characterization (ESPECIALLY this) and pacing, among other things that makes me view my works mostly as blegh.

I know comparing is probably not the best way to develop, and I wouldn't say I'm envious of people's talents (because it's obvious some people are just so great at stuff lmao) but it's more like I'm disappointed in myself I guess(?)

In the collective 20 works that I've published over the two months, I still can't fully grasp what works and what doesn't with the Fandom, and I can't quite identify nor fix the problems in my writings. Combined with the burn out, this makes writing a very painful process for me even though I really want to enjoy it.

I rely very heavily on external validations and to see that in the midst of the dead Fandom (when compared to when it's at its peak), people can still garner almost 1k notes in the span of a week (and I can see why it's very well loved), posting here just makes me so stressed when I shouldn't even be.

It got so bad to the point I have trouble breathing every time I think about writing, and although now it doesn't happen as often, the performance anxiety is pretty much there.

Work, as well as college too has been a pretty great contributor for my stress and to put writing on top of that is just excruciating for me.

And that's why I'm taking a break!

It'll probably a month break like how I've stated in previous post, because it's become apparent I need rest LMAO

Thank you so much for the support you guys have shown and sent my way, I want to say that I really appreciate it! Honestly I wouldn't get this far without you guys, I love you so much!

I've set some reblogs for other creator's works while I'm gone, because I've been meaning to read but I just haven't found the opportunity for it. People here make such great works <3

If you guys have any requests, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO SEND THEM IN. I know this might feel contradictory but as I pointed out, I'm not really imaginative or creative, and I really want to write things, but most of the time I cant come up with anything or what I think is good isn't what you guys want (I know I still have a bunch of requests sitting around, but like I said I write when inspiration struck me).

So yes, send requests in so that I can do some writing during the break, and hopefully come back with a bunch of requests already done and ready to post!

Also, if you guys make it this far, I've got a surprise for you which is I'm finally trying to work on the series I've been planning to do since January HAHA! We'll have to see where it takes me but right now I have so much ideas running around in my brain and not enough waking hour in the day to develop and write it.

How do you guys feel about lord crime v.s. master detective trope BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT IT.

I'll see you guys when I do :) Love you! ❤

Special thanks to:

@missmonsters2 and @robiin-buckley for being the people who literally BURNS my heart with the desire and give me the courage to write, I wouldn’t be here without you 🥺💘

@ocyrus for being my first ever anon, I cannot stress how much I owe you <3

@tulipsbymybed for hyping me up when I first started and when I thought my work is a shitshow.

@vorsdanysstuff for being the first person to reblog my stuff and says some very very nice things about it and gave me more confidence to write, and also. For finding me and being the love of my life. I treasure you with my whole being.

@wol-fica for feeding me with cat pictures and being my lovely wife who misses me when I'm gone and makes picrews of us together, I love you so much 💓

@maryannecrimsworth for noticing my username and for loving my blogs questionable aesthetic, and for talking to me about dystopia and being my favorite lil bro!

@cursedchar for being the awkward mutual at first but now we spew chaos every where and every time we talk and interact. Honestly, you bring the wild side in me out to the world. Still hate your angsty stuff tho.

@tundra1029 FOR BEING THE ICON THAT GIVES GOOD ASS AMAZING PROMPTS and being a super lovely person and a great writer, I love you buddy <3

@alexkolax for well. You know me the most out of everyone in this site. My respect and trust for you is through the roof and cannot be expressed with mere words. Thank you for being here, Lex.

@ricosnumber1fan for being there in most of my works. I still think about you and scroll through your comments and reblogs. You're the best (second to sourdough tho).

@theflamboyantshadow for always leaving amazing comments under my posts, you are the sweetest person ever and I really wish you a great fucking life. Love you.

@iamnicodemus for writing that dragon Wednesday fic... and LEAVING THE MOST FLATTERING REBLOGS. ILYSM AND. you always make me smile when I think of you LMAO

@literally everybody else who've single handedly kept me alive and well on this site, I appreciate all your little asks, reblogs, comments, likes, and just UGH my heart aches for every single one of you.

Pray I return soon.

[bun-parade]

ADHD Med Shortage Rant

Every time I go to refill my Concerta prescription, I'm terrified they won't have it in stock and I'll have to deal with withdrawal symptoms.

I wish more people would stop looking at Adderall and other ADHD meds like it's just a joke when so many people rely on them to function in life. I saw someone on Twitter say "You all only think you need it to function because it gets you high. I know because I take it recreationally." It only gets you high if you DON'T have a medical condition that the drug is made for. While you're off getting high for fun, those of us that actually need it are left in the dust.

I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until 2022, and I only went to get a diagnosis because I had gotten fired from all 7 office jobs I had after graduating college. I always got fired for performance issues and I thought I was just lazy or stupid. Finding out that there was a reason behind it made me feel so much better.

After being on Concerta for a week, I broke down in tears because I realized that this is what my brain is SUPPOSED to feel like. It didn't feel like I had a thousand different thoughts in my head all telling me to focus on them NOW.

But then I realized how hard it is to get my medication. And that's been an added source of anxiety. If I can't get my medication, I can't work because I can't focus. If I can't work, I can't make money. If I can't make money, I can't pay my bills. And if I can't pay my bills, I'll end up homeless.

[pondslime]

Jack and David for the Headcanons PLEASSEEEE

oh u have UNLOCKED the evil demented pandora's box of my brain. I'm about to be FULLY annoying. TYSM

below are 3 pros and cons of dating my Favorite Boys Ever™

sidenote: if we're talking canon CANON, the fact that both of them are VERY dead is the MAIN and only VALID con. IMO. but I digress!!! for the sake of this list, they are very alive and very smoochable

(under the cut bc DAMN can a bitch talk. and I do not want u all to have to scroll thru a WALL of text of me bein humina humina awooooooga abt my current hyperfixation 💀 ur welcome)

anyways!! this was incredibly fun and I have tmrrw off!! so feel free to send me a character of ur choice for headcanons and I'll give u 3 pros and 3 cons of dating them. if ur so inclined!!!!

jack

3 PROS

man is goofy. GOOFY. he is so intensely unserious. the banter (both flirty or otherise) will be IMMACULATE.

SOLID movie buddy energy. since he's the first one to bring up lon chaney jr./the pentangle on the wall, I like to think he's a hammer horror movie enthusiast. and since we know that the two of them have been friends at least since the 8th grade, I find the idea of these two little dorks staying up late and catching reruns of the movies...........SO cute. so v v cute. jack's little 12-year-old ass insisting that they CAN'T MISS frankenstein meets the wolfman. no, david!! u can't go tf to sleep!! we need the LORE!!!! so anyway. he'd show u a bunch of old horror movies and point out all the weird lil details to u. get ready 2 be mst3k-ing every film. man has cable tv and chill written ALL over him.

knows his way around nyc and WILL take u to a funky lil hole-in-the-wall restaurant that serves the best sandwich u have ever had. he might forget his wallet @ his apartment and end up paying for it w/loose change he has stuffed in his jacket pockets, but goddamn was that hot pastrami incredible.

3 CONS

he's 5'7'' (this is also a pro)

a little bit of a whiny bitch. will make a mountain out of a molehill. thrives on melodrama and hyperbole. but he's right 90% of the time, so as annoying as it might be. u can't fault him too much for that

used to being the comic relief friend. chronically friendzoned. probably going 2 be a bit annoying about that. it's kinda difficult to get him to snap out of sarcastic showboat-mode. sometimes that can make him seem a bit ingenuine and detached. mild to severe performance anxiety vibes. once u crest over that. he'll trade any nervousness for comical overconfidence and it'll be off to the races. but in the interim................................lmao

david

3 PROS

SWEET himbo boy. v affectionate and complimentary dude. clear w/his intentions and fairly emotionally open. v much so gives the vibes of a guy who claims to want to have 74873848 flings before settling down........but will immediately fall head-over-heels and want to introduce u to his family. golden retriever boy

canonically!! gives good head. need I say more

has a sense of adventure. likes challenging himself and breaking up the routine. outdoorsy. he probably likes hiking. did track or soccer or smthn in high school. his sheer enthusiasm for GOING OUTSIDE will force u to get ur ass off the damn couch. u love to see it.

3 CONS

v much BIG "first person to die in a traditional horror movie"-vibes. not the best at reading situations. will bamboozle himself into a bad scenario purely bc his street-smarts are sometimes lacking. kinda clueless. it's v hot but also v dumb of him. u would think that growing up in nyc would've tempered some of that. occasionally it does. occasionally. not enough tho.

possible mama's boy/golden child. even if this is NOT true, he still lives at home. which means there WILL be tomfoolery afoot if u stay over @ that house. and VERY little privacy!! get ready for his younger siblings to find the most inconvenient ways to interrupt ur time together. ur patience and mental fortitude will be tested. u will be living in a crash course parent trap/home alone-simulator. have fun!!

u know when u were a kid and ur mom would see someone she knew @ the grocery store and talk w/them for an eternity. and u would just be standing there and waiting for her to END her conversation so that u could LEAVE. yeah. david gives me big "endless conversations in grocery store"-energy. u run into a bodega @ 9 PM to grab some chips and soda w/him. but this is his stomping ground and he somehow manages to run into 3797432989 different ppl who know AND adore him. and they've all got to ask him about how school is going. what's he majoring in again? how's the family? do u still know blah blah blah from blah blah blah? and ur just standin there sipping ur coke. which is rapidly becoming more and more room temperature w/every sip. when will it end. he's been talking about his sixth grade biology class for the last ten minutes

BONUS AND MOST OBVIOUS PROS FOR BOTH OF 'EM:

fluffy hair (x2)

there's two of them. u can and SHOULD date both of them simultaneously. IDEAL throuple situation.

[akirakirxaa]

FFXIVWrite Prompt 13: Check

Rating: M

Word Count: 1169

Warnings: Mild descriptions of blood

Summary: Persephone's made her decision, and now she has to go through with it. [Vampire AU, Hythazemet, Continuation of Prompt 12.]

Master Post

Persephone fidgeted nervously, rubbing her arms to try to chase the chill of the house away. Her warm and cozy robe they'd given her was set off to the side, so it wouldn't get dirty, Hythlodaeus had said. A little part of her brain still thought she was crazy, completely mad, but not only did she just desire to keep living, but her lavender haired host was kind and friendly, someone she could see wanting to get to know better and have in her life. Someone she wouldn't be afraid to ask questions of when…

No, not ready to think about that, it seems.

But his…friend? Roommate? Lover? She still wasn't completely sure what their dynamic was, but it was clear Hades was more cold, calculating, and withdrawn. A real hermit of a vampire compared to Hythlodaeus. She wasn't too sure what to make of him yet, but if he was willing to help save her life, then he couldn't be all bad, right?

Earlier that evening, after she blurted out her decision, he'd appeared in the library. Hythlodaeus had jumped up excitedly to tell him the news while she shrank a little into her robe, aware that the chair she sat in was Hades'. 

"Did you hear? She decided she wants to stay!" her new friend smiled, but Hades just scowled an exasperated frown.

"Wonderful. I suppose we're going to need to invest in extra furniture then," he commented dryly. He and Hythlodaeus then discussed how and where best to perform this ritual, and now here they were, in the smaller guest room. Hythlodaeus had mentioned it because he remembered having strong chills during his "infection" and figured a smaller room would be easier to heat without making the rest of the house unbearable. She winced as she reached up and started peeling the bandage from around her neck, dried blood pulling at her skin as she did. 

"That brute really did a number on you," Hades commented from just by her shoulder, causing her to jump. He took her chin and moved her head back and to the side to check the marks there. "You can rest assured I'll not be so careless."

"Uh, thanks?" She swallowed awkwardly as he released her, and he fell silent again, moving to sit at the edge of the bed.

"Go on," Hythlodaeus gave her a little nudge between her shoulders. "I'll be right here." And somehow that did make her feel better about it, even though she'd known both of them for roughly the same amount of time. And that amount of time being hardly any at all.

"How do I know this isn't all just some setup to get me to trust you, hmm?" She meant it jokingly, but when her feet refused to move she wondered how much of a joke it really was. 

"You're welcome to wait out the bite you have and see what happens," Hades droned. She bit her lip. It's true, if she really thought they were lying, she could just say no and leave. And if she was wrong she'd turn into a mindless monster and do this to more people…

"No, no, I'll do it," she said more firmly. She walked over but then stopped awkwardly. "Um, what am I supposed to do?" Hades rolled his eyes.

"Told her everything, did you?" He quipped at Hythlodaeus, then addressed her. "Sit here, facing away." He patted his legs.

"I feel like I'm a kid going to see a mall Santa," she muttered, following instructions. "Now what?"

"Hold your arms out in front of you, wrists up. They don't have to be straight in front, you can rest them on your lap," he continued, and she obeyed, resting her arms with her wrists up on her knees.

"Why does it matter where my arms are?"

"Because there are magic symbols he needs to draw there," Hythlodaeus chimed in helpfully. It didn't ease her anxiety. 

"Magic symbols, right," she muttered, then felt breath at her neck. "Wait, wait, I'm not-!" Hythlodaeus knelt before her, resting his hands in hers and not breaking eye contact.

"It's okay, it won't be like before, okay?" He ran his thumbs over her fingers, trying to soothe. "It'll be done before you know it." She took a few steadying breaths before nodding. A comfy, well lit room, she wasn’t alone, wasn’t being chased… Yes, this was nothing like before. She could do this. Before she had the chance to say anything else, Hades sank his teeth into her neck.

Persephone couldn’t help but yelp and try to pull away, but an arm around her shoulders kept her still, and Hythlodaeus continued holding her hands; a moment later she would feel bad for squeezing so tightly, but he didn’t seem to mind. The initial sharp, stabbing pain faded, and she took a deep breath. It didn’t hurt as sharply now, only a dull ache. She felt fingers, Hades’ she realized, prod at her neck, then move to her wrists. Trying not not move her neck too much less the wounds pull, she glanced down to see him drawing an ornate sigil on one wrist with what she realized was her own blood. She watched him finish the one, then draw its mirror on the other. Persephone felt the pressure increase on her neck; she tried to stay stoic, but a small whimper escaped, anyway.

Then he released her, and it was like he’d done nothing at all, her neck feeling just the same as before. Perhaps even better than when she’d woken. Hythlodaeus helped her up, quickly cleaning her neck but leaving the sigils on her wrists where they were.

“How long do these have to stay?” she asked, peering at one as he led her to the small chair at the desk. A small mirror hung on the wall where Persephone could see that her neck had healed over, even where she’d just been bitten, leaving only some deep, dark bruises.

“Until the change is complete,” Hades answered as he stood, straightening his clothes where they’d wrinkled. She blinked at him.

“You don’t think it’ll, I don’t know, smudge?” Persephone asked, and Hythlodaeus chuckled.

“Try wiping it off,” he invited, and though she worried about messing up the process, she felt confident he wouldn’t set her up like that. Persephone scrubbed at her wrist with her thumb.

The sigil didn’t move, even a little bit.

“Magic,” Hythlodaeus said with a smirk. “It’s good for some things.”

“Why didn’t you use it to fix my neck in the first place?” she asked, with just a slight pout.

“It’s part of the ritual. The sigils fixed your wounds. The bruising will fade too before the process is done,” Hades explained. She gave a little acknowledging nod.

“So…how long until I start feeling like I’d really like some Nyquil?” Persephone tried to joke about it, but the worry was still there. Hythlodaeus’ face softened into an understanding smile.

“We shall see.”

[vro0m]

“Yeah if it affects your mental health I do think you should take a step back because that's a bit much. This is just a stupid little sport. It doesn't actually has any effect on your life. It should just be a nice little hobby. If it doesn't bring you joy don't partake.”

I know I'm late to the discussion, but I was just now reading this and just wanted to say yes.

I am autistic, and consequently, it's really easy for me to get so wrapped up in hobbies to the point where it impacts my mental health. There was a time when I was getting physically sick to my stomach over the stress of worrying if the driver I support would qualify well, if he would be involved in a first lap accident, how the fandom would react if things didn't go well, etc. Like my mental health was suffering to the point that my physical health was as well all over this sport that ultimately will have no bearing on my life or future.

And it was actually really hard to take a step back. Like I said before, autistic, and I really think that does impact my interest level in things? I would always say y'know, okay, this sport is upsetting me, so I'm just not going to watch any sessions this week. My brain would be so preoccupied with how the drivers I like were doing and how the fandom was reacting to it even when I wasn't watching and was trying to do other things. This was something that took a big effort on my part and frankly involved a lot of feelings of anxiety to even take a step back, but I'm glad I did reach a point where I was able to.

Now, I'm not as unhealthily obsessed with F1 anymore. I have other hobbies - sometimes I prioritize them over F1. I have a job where I'm regularly scheduled to work during F1 sessions, and I can enjoy my job without my thoughts being consumed with F1 and F1 fandom things. I do still watch the races, even if I have to watch a replay later, and I'll even watch FP sessions and qualifying if I have the time. But I'm not as stressed now. It's something I can get enjoyment from now, even if the final results of a race don't quite exactly match what I would have liked to see.

For me, I think taking a step back from the fandom side is what made the difference. I don't feel the need to be online 24/7 defending my drivers against trolls (and I don't mean valid criticisms based off current performance, but you know. the ones who try to discredit a driver's entire career over one bad weekend, for example). If they have a bad quali, it's a few minutes of disappointment for me now instead of something I'm agonizing over for days because I'm reading tons of takes in the fandom full of recency bias (which isn't even “the fandom's” fault, like I recognize in hindsight I was the not-so-smart one reading things that I already knew would upset me).

Idk where I was going with this, but I do think sometimes taking a step back can lead to finding a healthy enjoyment of F1 and the teams/drivers you support if you ever do find it impacting your mental or physical health. I've definitely started enjoying it more since I stepped back from the fandom side of things especially.

Hey thanks for sharing! Either you and I talked before or it was someone else but I do remember a discussion about a very similar situation.

Anyway that's exactly the type of things I was referring to earlier. I'm glad you get to truly enjoy it now, in a peaceful, joyful way. Hobbies shouldn't get (overly) stressful.

[tic-loud-tic-proud]

Hi! I heard something in class today that sounded absolutely wild, and it wasn't said by an individual that I have any trust in regards to mental health etc (they literally said that adhd is contagious which uh. not getting into that krkskdje), but I thought I'd ask around in case there's any truth to it since I don't know nearly enough abt tourettes to say for certain its untrue. Basically, they said that their psychology student friend did a research paper and found that seeing tik toks of people with tourettes can make kids (I believe the psychology student's study group was 7 yos or something around there) get tourettes too. Now, I believe that tics can be "contagious" (like stims) aka u have tourettes and can then get a new tic from another person w tourettes, but nothing in their claim said that these kids previously had tourettes, just that they got it from tiktok. Do u know anything abt this? Is it completely ridiculous or have you ever heard anything abt this happening? No problem if you don't know or arent sure, its a pretty out-there idea (from my perspective), and I hope it isn't a horribly annoying q. Have a nice day!

I've answered this question multiple times but Tumblr search sucks and I can't find any of the posts. So even though I hate talking about this topic I'll do it again.

(My answer is really long. Some text is bolded, not for emphasis but to make long paragraphs easier to read.)

The whole "TikTok tics" thing has completely torn the TS community apart with infighting (you can read more of my opinions on that here). My own neurologist is one of the leading doctors studying the phenomena, and trying to convince people to stop calling them "TikTok tics" and use the term Functional Tic-like Behaviors (FTLBs) instead.

I want to start by saying anyone who has sudden-onset tics, or tic-like behaviors, needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. There are many cases where sudden-onset tics are a result of untreated brain injury, heavy metal poisoning, and severe nutritional deficiencies. Tourette Syndrome is far from being the only disorder that causes tics.

Most of my followers know that I dislike TikTok. At the same time, whether a person with TS wants to post videos about their life on the platform, is none of my business. I am very grateful to people that are spreading accurate information and awareness about TS to people that otherwise wouldn't care. I do believe that despite many creators' best efforts, negative stereotypes are starting to arise again- some that I've never even heard of. The "all Tourettics say swear words" stereotype is as prevalent as ever, but so is the "if a Tourettic says swear words they're faking" stereotype. I've even heard "real people with TS can't hold eggs or read books out loud or cook" stereotypes which are completely new to me. TS is never one size fits all. It's different for everybody.

What I do dislike about TS related videos on TikTok is that many of them go back to seeing us as entertainment. I have always struggled with being seen as a spectacle, I have very strong trust issues because of this. I know even some of my dearest friends think my tics are entertaining, which, I don't want to blame them for that, some of my tics can be funny, but TS itself isn't. People with TS are not clowns, we are not performers, we are not here to entertain anybody.

I don't think that TikTok causes Tourette Syndrome, because TS is never contagious, it's a defect in the brain that we are born with. I believe that this issue is very complicated and influenced by a number of factors. Nearly all of the people who are developing FTLBs are young women or transgender individuals who already face misogyny and transphobia, which both often incorporate the belief that young women/transgender individuals will constantly lie in order to gain attention. In addition to that almost all of them already suffer from severe mental health issues- depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia mostly. Because of quarantine and the pandemic, more and more people went online more often.

Humans are social animals. We all feel a need to be in groups. I believe a major part of this issue is that young people especially are figuring themselves out and need to feel a sense of belonging. If a person's "For you" is nothing but videos of people within a certain group (not even just medical communities, but goths, emos, metalheads, and other fashion- or music-based subcultures are experiencing this), you will feel left out. I'm absolutely not saying that this is the fault of the people watching or creating these videos, I'm blaming it on the exploitative algorithms that TikTok and other social media websites use to funnel users into generally obscure niches. Many industries thrive on the consumers' feeling of being left out so this method works very well and makes money for the platform.

I would highly suggest reading this article that goes more in-depth to the causes of "TikTok tics". Social media is far from being the primary cause. This isn't the first time we've had a "Tourette's outbreak" either, and it probably won't be the last.

To answer your question of "have you ever heard of this happening", yes, unfortunately I have first hand experience. My ex-girlfriend claimed she suddenly caught Tourette's from me and now has a TikTok account where she spreads misinformation "awareness" about Tourette Syndrome. She would write down my vocal tics in a notebook whenever we were around, claiming she just thought "they're so funny I want to remember them", and then would go home and film TikToks pretending to have the same tics she'd written down beforehand. She's a terrible person for many reasons and I could probably spend some time talking more about her but I know nobody is interested in that.

What's most important is that anybody with tics, anybody with TS, anybody with FTLBs, still deserve support and proper medical care. At the end of the day this is far from being an individual issue. It's shown some major flaws in the (American) healthcare system, that doctors are so quick to dismiss and ignore the real suffering of young women and transgender individuals. Every single person with tics is impacted by this issue (directly or not). Accusations of faking are at an all-time high, and it's getting harder and harder for me and many other Tourettics to trust people (again, see this post). I have friends and people close to me, diagnosed with TS, who are being accused of faking by their own doctors, and are having their diagnoses under review. In 2021 (which I consider the height of this frenzy) I went to the #1 TS specialist in my country after being on the waitlist for 3+ years, and even she questioned my diagnosis and told me that I would be cured if I deleted my (non-existent) TikTok account.

Just a week ago a young man with TS who was very popular on TikTok died as a result of a tic. For years he had struggled with TS and for years people had accused him of faking. TS is serious. It's not a trend.

Every single person deserves compassion. Every person deserves a chance to be believed, to be listened to (even my ex). Nobody deserves to have their legitimate concerns shunned and ignored, especially by medical professionals. Whether someone has FTLBs, Tourette's, PANS/PANDAS, FND, or any tic-causing disorder, we deserve help. We deserve our experience to be heard. We deserve to be believed.

[ahiddenpath]

Hopes for 2024

I'm not making resolutions for the new year, as the last few years have generously enforced the folly of planning. But I have hopes for 2024, and I'll share them beneath the cut, if you're interested!

Life hopes

-Thrive, don't excel

2023 was a year of difficult, painful growth. I allowed a coworker to take extended advantage of me, to the point where I was nearly doing two jobs. I completed several projects that my seniors could not do. It's not an exaggeration to say that I learned every single gosh dang day on the job.

Growing is good! It's something we should strive for! But not to the point where we deplete ourselves. My goal this year at work is to be gentle with myself. I want to perform well, but I do not want to hurt and push myself. It's just not worth it. I've been in this industry for over ten years. All you get from working hard and excelling is more work.

Related, but looking over my daily journal for 2023... I'd say about 85%+ of the entries are exclusively about work. It's taken over my life, and that is not what I want. I'm unclear how to achieve this in a capitalist country, but I've got to try.

-Be messy, be experimental

Gorgeous notebooks, art supplies, stickers, and prints, pristine and untouched. Projects never started, because it won't turn out well, anyway.

This is all understandable. No one wants to mar their nice supplies with inexperienced hands, or to use them on silly or clumsy projects.

Frankly, I'm tired of worrying about that. I'm hoping that I can release some of that anxiety- and by the way, perfectionism is simply a form of anxiety. I want to make messes and bad art and failed projects, because anything is better than never knowing what I might have made or done.

Light the nice candle. Eat the expensive chocolate. Use the fancy notebook. What good is it doing you in a drawer?

-Health

It's been a hard year. It's been a hard... several years. My body survived, so I won't be disdainful of the wear and tear it sustained.

But I do want to take care of it (especially given the increasing difficulty of receiving and affording medical care). I want to give it exercise, healthy food, rest, and sunshine.

Mental health is always a battle for me, and I was challenged this year by my new job and by a particularly bad situation with my mother.

I'm not sure what the solution is here, but I'm cognizant of the strain and of my need to act.

Creative wants

I have so many projects on my mind, but this is not a to do list. It's just a picture of where my brain is now, creatively.

-Finish the next three chapters of Puits d'Amour

I went to do some editing on PdA today, and I found a whole new chapter I had forgotten about?! Apparently, I thought there needed to be a brand spankin' new/additional chapter between the last one I posted and the next one I planned to post. It's about Yamato's parents talking to him about Sora, whom he was seen escorting to a party.

This is not the first time I've forgotten about my own content, and it will not be the last, but. The point is that I'd like to wrap up the next three chapters of PdA, which I have content for.

I'll worry about what happens next with the story after that.

-Watch Kizuna

I read the Kizuna novelization and avoided the movie. I never felt mentally ready to watch the events described in the book, but I kind of have to for Infinite Possibilities. I am hoping to pick up some little visual and audio things (gestures, voices, outfit choices, seasonal information, etc).

-Print stickers

I want to make Eimi stickers!!! And other stickers of my art! I love stickers! That is all.

-If the redub of the digimon movies comes out this year, I would like to use the bluray quality images to book bind After August again (the cover is a still from Bokura no War Game).

-Commission cover art for Infinite Possibilities phase 1. I reached out to an artist today. Wish me luck!

-Edit phase one of Infinite Possibilities. This one is going to take me a while, lmao!

-I'd like to book bind a new fic. PdA seems a good place to start, as it's recent.

-Continue editing some older works and working on open projects (TIL, PdA, FY, etc).

I have other non fandom related projects that I want to tackle, too, but they require a bit of background. Suffice to say, there is a lot I want to do! I doubt I will match or beat 2023's 75,954 published words and an additional 53,979 words written for Nanowrimo in 2024, but I hope I do a lot of fun and satisfying creative work.

Please take care of yourselves in the new year <3

[a-moth-to-the-light]

but then! sleep is mine. (nov 25, 2022)

My Tumblr (and irl! he's a real person it's wild) bestie requested that I start doing daily updates on my account, sort of like I did for Tranquil's Studyblr Challenge (which I still need to do the last question for, oops!), and who am I to deny the public their wishes? Now that planning is done and this feature has finally arrived, I hope that I'll be able to keep up with it to some extent as time goes on! Thanks for the idea, and let me know what kinds of things you want to hear about in these posts :)

The Day, In Short

So, on Tuesday night, I got zero hours and zero minutes of sleep, and I've been using the holiday to catch up on that! So I slept about ten hours last night + napped for two today, and, as per usual, got made fun of for it. But I do not care! *smug* Everyone is just jealous that I love sleep with my new meds--they've made my sleep way deeper and falling asleep easier, which has really improved my relationship with it! On the plane yesterday, I fell asleep before we were even in the air, and I didn't wake up once. The best flight experience ever :)

I've had trouble focusing on reading these past few days, though. I brought Lockwood & Co. book three with me to visit family, but my attempts to read have been pretty pathetic. I think the focus issues might be a mix of accumulated lack of sleep & anxiety (unfortunately VERY related), so I'll need to be a bit easier on myself when it comes to reading for the next week or so, I think. Shorter phases of focus, more reading out loud!

OMGOMG LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT

Wednesday: I'm visiting family right now, and my youngest sibling convinced me to start watching Wednesday on Netflix with him today. We got through the first two episodes, and I'm thoroughly entertained! I absolutely love the costuming, the way it creates very distinct, whimsical aesthetics for characters like Marilyn Thornhill, Enid, and Wednesday herself! I'm looking forward to seeing more, though now I'm craving a reread of The School for Good and Evil trilogy (the second trilogy doesn't exist to me, sorry not sorry!), which has the same deliciously discomfiting aesthetic, but with relationships I find a lot more compelling! (Let's just say a lot of crying happens in the series, and I love it for that!)

Partner in Crime: See, I keep leaving really sad songs on repeat and then wondering why I've been so moody and anxious. A few days ago it was Lana Del Rey's "Ultraviolence," and now I'm back to Lucy Dacus's "Partner in Crime," particularly the Spotify Sessions acoustic version. The guitar sounds so close by, rubbing nicely against my ears when I listen with earbuds, and the chorus gets me every time, which is perfectly consistent with past Lucy Dacus favorites (FOREVER HALF MAST FOREVER HALF MAST), where her fluid shifts in and out of her delicate higher range keep me in awe. Listen for how she sounds on "city that never sleeps" and cry, folks. CRY.

Wanna Know: So Irris made their debut back in July, apparently, but I didn't hear this song until it came on shuffle a week ago. I'm so glad it did, because I'm absolutely obsessed! It reminds me of Gugudan's "Shotgun" in terms of structure, with the main attraction of both being a bubblegum-pop prechorus that drops into a deadpan chorus, but I think "Wanna Know" really leaves its mark through the performances. I'm glad they put the rap in the bridge--it amplifies the energy so well, just like LE's bridge rap in "Up & Down"--and I find their vocals very satisfying and memorable! That rap is absolutely captivating, though--I'll be keeping a lookout for Liv in the future :)

things that make brain buzz

I'm not actively working on any big writing projects (outside of academic papers for school, that is!), but I have been reading and annotating an old favorite, the Lockwood and Co. series, which I'm really excited to do some writing about! I have so much to say about this bizarre, fantastic series and the impact it's had on me, to the point where I get pretty overwhelmed just thinking about it. I really struggle with long-term writing projects, ones where I want to cover a lot of content and a lot of ideas, so this is one avenue through which I'm hoping to practice formulating more expansive projects--a big step towards creating the kind of content I dream of!

I've also been collecting material for a more personal essay, one about my experiences with Alba Reche's music & winter. Her newest collection of music, honestamente triste, has reminded me of the many cold, isolating days her music has been my company throughout, and I've been feeling just sentimental enough to want to revisit them in writing.

Will I Do Anything Interesting Tomorrow?

There's a new Friendly Space Ninja video, so that's on my priority list for tomorrow! My focus issues with reading have unfortunately extended to YouTube listening, too, which is really sad because my little corner of YouTube brings me ridiculous amounts of joy and inspiration. I love referencing video essays in my writing for classes, and I've learned so much about the kind of writer I want to be from the YouTube creators I obsess over! I've still been saving videos in my to-watch list, though, so hopefully not too many will get lost in the shuffle during this phase!

Otherwise, I just need to take my flight home and find some good things to eat, because I've been missing out on meals / eating very lightly lately, and that's made things really tough for me :( I might go out for ramen, or make a quick Walmart run for sandwich wraps!

Quote of the Day!

OMG NO NOT HER COUSIN

-- me

[aberooski]

I take things one day at a time because I can't think about the future. I cannot comprehend the future. I'm afraid of the future it breaks my brain and all I can think about is that the only way to make it better would be if I wasn't here anymore, and I can’t think about the past because it makes me sad and long for the way it used to be and things and people that aren't there anymore and again and how afraid I am that I'll never find that place again. I used to be happy I used to feel like I had a place in the world I used to feel like people cared about me I used to not be so scared of living, and again all I can think about is that the only way to make things better would be if I wasn't here anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about anything I wouldn't have to worry about how bleak my future looks or living in a world without anyone or anything I love because I wouldn't be there anymore to miss them. And I hate that. I hate thinking that way because I know that isn't true. I don't want to think that way. The last thing I want is to go away, the last thing I want is to not be here anymore, but nothing can fix me. I'm so sad and angry and lonely and scared all the time and nothing can help me nothing can make it go away. I haven't been able to do anything but lay in bed when I get home from work all week. Lay in bed and do nothing productive and waste my life. Like it had any value to waste in the first place, what a joke. I can't even say anything to anyone in my real life about anything because nobody listens to me. Nobody gives a shit to even listen much less try and do anything to help me. And I say that because I know. So many things I do and even say are cries for help, like actual cries for actual help, like I'm scared and sad and angry and I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with it or how to fix it or what's even actually wrong with me please help me, and nobody does anything nothing ever comes of it. I can't say anything outright I've never been able to as hard as I try. I'm too anxiety riddled and awkward and timid to ever be able to manage it and nobody would listen to me or take me seriously anyway. I'm not my sister or my brother, I'm the middle child nobody cares about I'm not special I don’t have any significance. Even when I can voice things everyone just sits there and listens and lets me cry and pour myself out and then nothing happens. It's always I just have to hang in there or I just have to keep looking for another job or I just have to keep trying to perform people get rejected all the time it sucks but that's just how it is or you're not missing anything being single it's not a big deal or we'll get your driver's license this month/year/eventually or I'm not the forgotten child and then nothing. No actual help, or if there is it lasts for like, a day or a week or whatever then everyone forgets about me yet again. Everyone moves on to more important things that actually matter unlike me. Like every day when my grandma takes me to work she prays for me and tells that she lives me and to keep hanging in there. And I live my grandma I love her so much she practically raised me because my parents got divorced for a few years when I was little and mom always worked so we spent so much time at grandma's house and I appreciate that she at least tries to be encouraging and supportive but I need actual help. I need to be the priority for once in my life. I'm a child in the body of a 24, almost 25 year-old woman. I can't do anything for myself I don't know how to function like a normal person I don't know how to be my age I don't know how to do anything. I've never not been taken care of by people I don't know how to take care of myself I don't know how to be a person I don't know how to exist in this world I don't know how to be alive anymore. Every day I mourn the experiences I was supposed to have. That I grew up expecting to have that everyone else around me had while I sat by and watched and waited on the sidelines for my turn.

I've never had a significant other in my life and feel so inferior and unworthy and unlovable and disgusting and I'll never have it now. It's too late for me now, I'm too old to have never been desired by anybody and nobody ever will now and I won't blame them. It wasn't supposed to be like this I was supposed to have a high school sweetheart I was supposed to have gone on a date I was supposed to have been kissed and held and looked at fondly and I was supposed to have hearts and stars in my eyes and it was supposed to be magical it was supposed to be everything I dreamed I would have it's all gone. My dreams are all dead I'll never have that childhood young love it's too late it's all gone I won't have another chance. And when I say how much that hurts me and how it hurts every day that goes by that I'm alone all I get told is that it's no big deal. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm better off. Well fuck you. I'm not better off. That doesn't help me it only hurts me more. That only makes me feel like there's even more wrong with me for never having romantic love and feeling sad because I want it. But apparently I shouldn't want it that what it feels like you're all saying to me.

And I'm resentful of my sister for trying to move out of our house even though she's just moving to our great grandma's old house like five minutes away. How dare she that's not how it's supposed to be, that's not what's supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to leave everyone's supposed to stay together everybody's supposed to stay with me nobody's supposed to go anywhere nobody's supposed to leave me please don't leave me. I can't handle chance I just can't. Nobody's supposed to go this is out home I'm not supposed to go this is my home this is all I've ever known. I'm not supposed to be this old. This wasn't supposed to happen I'm not supposed to get older I'm supposed to be my parent's kid. I'm supposed to be the kid I'm not supposed to be on my own I'm not supposed to be afraid of change because nothing's supposed to change. I'm not supposed to think of people and places and things and remember they're not there anymore that's not fair that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to worry I;m supposed to be a kid I'm supposed to be happy I'm only supposed to be worried about homework and which friend's house I'm staying at this weekend or playing games with my brother and sister and if there's going to be a snow day today and what toys I'm gonna get for my birthday and christmas this year and which disney princess I want to be for halloween and summer break and it's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be like this nothing's supposed to change why is everything changing why do I have to lose people why do things have to be this way it's not fair it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not I'm not supposed to be this way. I need help. I'n not supposed to need hel,p everything is supposed to be okay I'm supposed to be a normal person I'm supposed to be okay I don't understand I don't know what to do I;m scared I don't like this I don't want it to be this way I don;t like this world anynmroe I don't want to be here but I don't want to go either I want to go back I want to star over I want my life back I want things to make sense again i don't want to be broke anymore I want our cat to be alive again I want to drive past grandma mary's house and not have to remmeber that she's gone now I don't want to hae to worry about how much longer I'll have with my grandparents I don't want my aunt to move away again I don't want anyone to leave me please don't leave me alone please please please please please please I don't know what to do I don't know what's wrong with me I want it all back I can't do this anymore I can't take this I can't be older I can't get older I'm not supposed to get older I'm not strong enough to get older i;m not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not

I want my mom

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, January 16th, 2024!

10:06am I think it's official that 9 hours of sleep is extremely preferred for me to wake up actually feeling refreshed. Like I don't wake up with a headache or in a god awful mood and angry, so angry when I don't get enough sleep. Idk if it used to be 7.5 or 6 used to be fine. But now it's just not. I think it might be the fact that it's winter? You know what I mean, it just feels natural to sleep more.

10:37am ok so yeah there's only 10hrs of sun vs 14 hrs of dark like no shit I feel so tired of ofc I am always at work or doing something dumb while the sun is out!

6:58pm so I took a two hour nap today, but I still want to go to bed at the time I planned so I can get up earlier on a regular basis. Also...

Pros to adding him on sc: he can text me if/when he is coming over, which I have anxiety about him just randomly showing up.

Cons: if his gf sees it he might block me? Idk what he would do? Are all of those messages gone too? All the pics? Does any of it even matter?

Cons: Anxiety about him messaging me stupid shit in general. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Cons: I don't want to delete all of those messages but I might end up going back into them which would be Not Good for my brain, some of it was horrible I don't want to go back.

BIG CON *: Also, would be subjected to his sc stories which was the OG reason to take him off social media. Texting doesn't have all that extra bullshit.

CON: THE BIGGEST™ CON is generally that he will have something to say to me, stupid or not and then just decide not to put in the effort to say it. AKA he could call me on his house phone and literally say anything BUT he is too pussy to do that, too.

* Do you really really want a guy who can't fucking pay his own phone bill? Bitch no get a grip. What a pussy ass bitch. Literally no balls. Have some self respect sister damn. What a POS. You are NOT second choice sister, pick your crown up Queen 👑💅 Stupid ass fucking loser. Come get your shit already so you can leave me alone 😒🤡

9:05pm I can feel the ADHD coursing through my veins the closer I get to this presentation and just performing amazingly under pressure 😅 just get through this simulation tomorrow then there will be nothing in the way anymore and I'll be so charged up I wouldn't be surprised if I did the whole thing by tomorrow night. LFG love ya girly ❤️