#I have loved Tracy Chapman for literally my entire life

[saucymincks]

I was raised like, nowhere near being an evangelical christian, so I never really understood the whole praise music thing and why people were like "I saw GOD at this CONCERT"

But then I saw Tracy Chapman perform at the Grammys and I was like oh okay no I get it now

[lindentea]

a Dyke-nonychus for Pride month! Baltimore Pride is tomorrow and i'm excited! it's my first Pride since coming out as a lesbian and i'm PUMPED.

(a longer-than-i-thought-it-would-be ramble about identity follows!)

i'd been out as bi for something like 25+ years (i just turned 40 three weeks ago). i thought that since i'm not a †3®ƒ and i'm attracted to women and nonbinary ppl no matter their hardware, and since i'm transmasc/genderqueer myself, that it fully excluded me from being able to call myself a lesbian. i've heard and internalized some really cruel takes (mostly on leftbook, ugh) from tankies screaming that no one can be a lesbian unless they strictly identify as a woman in a very binaristic sense, are only attracted to women also in a binaristic sense, and only use she/her pronouns.

what a crock of shit, amirite??

comphet got me real bad, too. i'd been partnered with an uninterrupted stream of men since i was 15 (also dated women/nb ppl during that time, polycules, yadda yadda). i was married to a man for almost a decade, then only a handful of months after we split up, i jumped straight into another almost-decade-long relationship with a man (lovebombing is one helluva drug). i'm still friends with my ex-husband but that latter partner was horrendously abµs¡ve and thank fuckin' Satan i'm no longer with him.

up until i escaped The Arsehole, the longest amount of time that i wasn't in any kind of relationship with a man (whether romantic or just a hookup) was only a couple months at most. the societal pressure to never say "no" to a man is crushing. to always seek validation from men, because if men don't find me attractive then i have failed at life. the pressure when identifying as bi and internalizing the message of "but if you're bi, why don't you want to date men? if you're really bi, you shouldn't exclude any gender(s) from your dating pool."

...and then i spent an entire year without having any sort of relationship with a man. and hooooooo-lee shit, y'all...!! i had an existential crisis that was.. honestly...? set off by Tracy Chapman's performance at the Grammys. i made a whole 3-hour long Spotify playlist of as many songs as i could think of that had made me feel the gayest. (the playlist is fuckin' siiiiiiiiick, if i may say so myself. but i'm sorry to non-paying Spotify folks, since i prefer to craft playlists meant to be listened to in a specific order. still slaps on random, tho.)

i spilled my guts to a few trusted friends (as well as my lovely nb partner), and i in a conversation with one of my closest friends (whomst, in the past, i'd had multiple deep-dive conversations about our identities as bi) i said, "so like... if i'm nonbinary... and i'm only attracted to women and nonbinary ppl who identify more with that 'end' of the timey-timey gendery-wendery gender spectrum...." and she told me, "Linden... Linden. that is literally in the definition of lesbian." and... that was that, then.

ANYHOW, i could go on and on, but..... uhhhhh HERE, HAVE A CUTE DINOSAUR! happy Pride!!

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 1988

So that’s the year I was born. A controversial move that had its detractors but ended up being recognised as “eh it's all right I guess” a few decades later.

Obviously my first-hand experience of “hearing songs on the radio and actually liking some of them” starts when I was around 3 or 4, so nostalgia will have very little to do with the first top 10 lists I’m making.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

To be honest, we’re off to a good start because I didn’t mind listening to these year-end lists for the most part. Not a bad year for music overall.

Number 3 and 2 are heavily debatable because wikipedia doesn’t have a reliable list of the French year-end top 100 and the other sources I have contradict each other.

10 - I Think We’re Alone Now (Tiffany)

US: not on the list / FR: #57

I know it’s a cover. It’s not even an objectively good cover. It’s full of terribly 80s synth noises. Tiffany’s voice isn’t very strong either. And the version I’m the most familiar with is the cover made by The Birthday Massacre.

What can I say. I like it anyway, especially these little isolated keyboard notes that really shine over the mess of the music. The guitar makes some parts pretty epic too. Also, singing “RUNNING JUST AS FAST AS WE CAN” and failing to hit some notes feels great for some reason.

9- Need You Tonight (INXS)

US: #2 / FR: #45

Surprising a grand total of exactly zero people, edgy teen Johannes thought these guys were delightful every time there was an 80s retrospective on tv. Never actively listened to their stuff, but they still pop up pretty regularly on the radio here, and yeah, very good song.

Guess their other songs from that year would be honorable mentions.

8- Combien de Temps (Stephan Eicher)

US: not on the list / FR: #79

After this point, there’s only songs I’ve actively listened to at some point in my life.

This one has never been on any of my cd compilations but I kept it on one of my tapes and it was a delight to hear it every time, even though I can’t stand the singer’s voice and the lyrics make very little sense. The music is THAT good. It’s some quality pop-ish French new wave full of instruments and it’s visual eye candy and I adore it to the point I’m willing to ignore the rest.

If you’ve never heard it before, check it out just for the sake of the music video featuring a guy rolling on the floor to get anywhere because it’s quite surreal and funny.

Also, despite the fact the lyrics are mostly nonsense, I still adore the line “J’ai de la folie plein les veines” (”My veins are full of madness”).

7- Heaven is a Place on Earth (Belinda Carlisle)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

I discovered this song in January 2012 thanks to Todd In The Shadows’ Worst of 2011 list, where he joked about being worried that every 80s song he liked would be ruined by “Dirty Bit” by The Black Eyed Peas someday and he used this song as an example. I loved it instantly and put it on my mp3 player at the time.

Until a few months ago, this was still on my mp3 player.

I don’t think this needs further justification to be on this list.

6- Pourvu Qu'elles Soient Douces (Mylène Farmer)

US: not on the list / FR: # 5

This was one of the biggest hits of the year in France in 1988.

It’s made by one of my favorite French artists ever, Mylène Farmer, and I used to be a huge fan.

It’s a song about butts entirely written in euphemisms, with an earwormy chorus, and accompanied by an insanely long (18 minutes) artsy music video in 18th century costumes featuring an army being massacred in slow motion, mud, broken bottles, really terrible jokes, and a shit ton of not safe for work content, including (but not limited to), indeed, butts.

It’s also right there on the very, very first personal top 30 list I ever wrote down, back when I was 14. It’s number 21.

If you think I’m sorry, think again.

5- John (Desireless)

US: not on the list / FR: # 34

I had literally no idea that song existed until 48 hours ago and in that time I’ve listened to it more than twenty times.

Desireless is basically the French Eurythmics and I love her but for the longest time I was dead certain she was a one-hit wonder with her monster hit Voyage Voyage, and clearly, I was wrong since she had a second hit the next year. This is about an unknown soldier dying at war and I can’t believe this was completely erased from public consciousness to the point a new wave fan like me didn’t even know it existed.

Better late than never I guess.

4- Always On My Mind (Pet Shop Boys)

US: #80 / FR: Not on the list

This isn’t my favorite Pet Shop Boys song by a mile. And it’s a cover. And it’s full of weird synth noises left right and center, and it’s visually absolute chaos.

What can I say. It’s Pet Shop Boys. I love them and I love this cover and it sounds happy and epic and energetic, and it transforms a song I didn’t even like in the first place into something that puts a smile on my face every time I listen to it, and frankly it was #3 at first when I made this list, until I realised how long the next song stayed on my list of favorite songs.

3- Bleu Comme toi (Etienne Daho)

US: not on the list / FR: one site swears to me it was top 30, the other tells me it didn’t make the year-end list. Fuck it. Too late now.

I discovered this song in April 2005. I know this because I wrote it on the back of my top 30 favorite songs list labelled “9 April 2005″.

It immediately appeared on my list the next month as #15 and never left it until I stopped making these lists in 2007.

It’s an upbeat song about being depressed and finding another person who’s just as depressed as you and suddenly things don’t seem that bad when you’re together. Let’s just say it struck a chord with me at the time. A lot. A looooooot. And it builds into this epic thing and you and up singing “et mon humeur est down down down” (”my mood is down down down”) even though it SHOULDN’T be epic at all.

I haven’t actively listened to it in years but I sing along every time I hear it on the radio. I think at some point I had it on three different cd compilations, including one with both the single version and the live version. That’s the level of adoration we’re talking about here, and it still hasn’t completely faded.

2- Behind the Wheel (Depeche Mode)

US: not on the list / FR: same thing, one site swears to me it’s not on the top 100, another tells me it’s number 21. Whatever.

This was a big hit here and even though I don’t have a reliable list, whatever, this is my blog and not a professional publication.

If you know me a little the fact that I love Depeche Mode and have been loving Depeche Mode for a long time isn’t really a secret, so this is a bit like picking the Pet Shop Boy song at #4: I see one of their songs I like, it ends up on the list. Not my favorite of their songs by a mile either, but still wonderful.

1- Fast Car (Tracy Chapman)

US: #76 / FR: Not on the list

The problem when you like a song and don’t speak the language it’s in is that you can spend years without knowing what it’s called and who’s the author.

My father would play this song fairly often when I was a kid and it took me years to know what it was, who was singing it, and even more years to actually understand the lyrics and what it was about.

I loved it even before knowing all that. It already made me want to cry and I got the general idea of longing and sadness and hope way before I started to learn English. It is that good. It is that powerful. I can’t possibly rank any song above that one in good conscience and it was going to be #1 the moment I saw it on the Billboard list.

Next up: 1989, which is probably gonna feature a lot less songs I actually love.

[kayliemusing]

28: take a shot every time i mention taylor swift

AC/DC - What are your favorite bands? - Of Monsters and Men, Sleeping At Last, The Lumineers.

Aerosmith - What are your favorite songs? - Oh boy. There's a lot but these are the ones I'll never be able to get over: All Too Well by Taylor Swift, Exile by Taylor Swift ft Bon Iver, Wild Heart by Bleachers, Saturdays by Twin Shadow, Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, Every Breath You Take by The Police, Robbers by The 1975, Hunger by Of Monsters and Men, and Sleep On The Floor by The Lumineers

Aretha Franklin - Do you have a favorite jazz song? - No, I don't really listen to jazz

Alice Cooper - What is your favorite type of music? - I mostly gravitate to folk/alternative, pop, country-pop, and singer-songwriter genres (I like a little bit of EDM too depending on the song).

Beach Boys - Have you ever been in a concert? - I've never been to a concert of someone I super duper admired, but I've been to a Jonas Brothers concert when I was ten lol and then Marianas Trench when I was 15 which I remember being a pretty good show.

Black Sabbath - A song that motivates you? - Shake It Off by Taylor Swift gets me in a good mood

Bob Dylan - Do you know how to play any musical instrument? - No lol. I tried to learn how to play guitar but I just don't really have any sense of rhythm at all lmao

Bon Jovi - Your favorite song about love? - Can't Help Falling In Love With You by Elvis Presley (and various cover artists) has always been a favourite of mine.

The Beatles - Latest song that made you smile? - Mr Perfectly Fine by Taylor Swift bc it's peak sassy teenage taylor

David Bowie - A song that makes you feel happy? - again, probably Shake It Off by Taylor Swift, but also Truth Hurts by Lizzo

Eric Clapton - Have you ever been in love with a rock artist? - No

Creedence Clearwater Revival - What is your favorite instrument? - I really like the sound of an acoustic guitar, but also the violin is so beautiful. (Honourable mentions: Fiddle, Banjos, cellos)

Deep Purple - Do you prefer bassists or drummers? - I don't have an opinion, really, but maybe bassists?

The Doors - What is your favorite lyric? - "If I can't relate to you anymore then who am I related to?" from Coney Island by Taylor Swift and The National. I have so many favourite lyrics though. Also "I'm not your homeland anymore so what am I defending now?" from Exile (also by Taylor lol)

Fleetwood Mac - Female or Male vocalists? - Both have different, unique things to offer, but I guess female vocalists.

The Grateful Dead - What song are you listening right now? - Nothing right now. I usually can't focus when musics on because I just end up singing along or getting distracted lol

Guns n’ Roses - What song describes your emotions right now? - I'm somewhere in between Mirrorball by Taylor Swift, Reasons Not To Die by Ryn Weaver, and Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men.

Heart - Do you know a song that you want at your wedding? - Yes! Tbh I want to have a playlist of love songs played during the reception at my wedding lol. I think I want to walk down the aisle to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri (maybe the piano guys version tho) and I want the first dance to be Lover by Taylor Swift or Can't Help Falling In Love by Kina Grannis

Iron Maiden - Do you frequently listen to your songs on shuffle? - Mostly, I do. I don't usually know what I'm in the mood for unless I've had something stuck in my head or a new song has come out so I usually just play shuffle until I know what I feel like listening to.

Jimi Hendrix - A song that represents “your aesthetic” - Love by Lana Del Rey, just that very soft, breezy, dreamy aesthetic.

Joan Jett - Who do you think when you listen to your favorite love song? - I'm not usually thinking of anyone in particular because I don't have anyone like that in my life, but I'm usually imagining a scenario to write about.

Janis Joplin - What is your favorite 70s song? - I'm not super good with years so forgive me if I get it wrong, but You're So Vain by Carly Simon

Journey - Do you have any famous crushes? - Not crazy insane crushes and I currently don't have a crush on any singers, but some celebrities I find attractive are Matthew Daddario, Henry Cavill, etc. Lol I'm too tired to think but those are the first that pop in my head.

The Kinks - What is the last single you downloaded? - Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo

Kiss - What is the perfect song to describe your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? - I don't have any of those right now lol but a song that represents a relationship between two characters I've written is Half of my Heart by John Mayer

Led Zeppelin - Do you like loud guitar solos? - Sometimes if they hit right

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Do you like instrumental songs? - No, I'm a lyrics girl. Sometimes they're nice, but I'm not one to actively put that on.

Metallica - A song that you think everybody should listen to? - Coney Island by Taylor Swift ft The National because the lyrics are *chefs kiss* and if that one isn't your vibe then Exile by TS ft Bon Iver (basically please go stream folklore and evermore)

Nirvana - A song that breaks your heart? - You Said You'd Grow Old With Me by Michael Schulte

Pink Floyd - Name your top three songs in any language. - currently my top 3s are (all ts songs obvi bc she's all i've listened to for months on end) cowboy like me by taylor swift, coney island by taylor swift ft the national, and exile by taylor swift ft bon iver (have i mentioned taylor swift enough yet)

Pearl Jam - A song to drive to? - Getaway Car by Taylor Swift

Queen - A song to dance to? - Stealing the show once again, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

Bruce Springsteen - A song that you would sing in a karaoke? - just put on anything taylor swift and i will scream the lyrics

The Rolling Stones - Your favorite album? - Red by Taylor Swift (but evermore by ts is quickly stealing the show)

U2 - A artist/band you’re proud of? - Taylor Swift bc of how she literally overcomes everything no matter what kind of bs people say or throw her way.

Van Halen - Favorite guitarist? - I don't really have one

The Who - Favorite bassist? - Again, don't have one

Yes - Favorite drummer? - and i oop

Dusty Springfield - Do you have a favorite soul song? - I don't really listen to soul.

The Supremes - Your favorite girlband? - Haim

Simon and Garfunkel - Your favorite acoustic song? - Free Fallin by John Mayer (tom petty cover) or fast car by tracy chapman

Derek & The Dominos - Do you prefer a cover more than the original song? - Sometimes, depending on what the cover brings. Sometimes I'll like both. For example Circles by Post Malone is a song I already love but Of Monsters and Men did an amazing cover of that one and made it even sadder and I'm obsessed with both.

The Mamas and The Papas - What’s the song that have a harmony so good that makes you want to punch something? - the bridge in driver's license

Santana - Your favorite artist hairstyle? - Taylor Swift is obviously my favourite artist if you hadn't noticed and my favourite hairstyle from her was probably her short hair during 1989 when it was to her shoulders, but I also really like her Lover era hair (medium-length with bangs)

Ramones - Do you like punk music? - Not really

The Temptations - A song that you liked when you were younger? - Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis lol

Cream - A song that you associate with summer? - August by Taylor Swift. (Also I associate 1975's entire 2012 album with summer for some reason)

The Band - A song that you never get tired of? - All Too Well by Taylor Swift

Steve Miller Band - A song that need to be played out loud? - Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift

Sonny & Cher - A song by an artist with a voice that you love? - Organs by Of Monsters and Men

Wings - A song that makes you remind of yourself? - She's Got Her Ticket by Tracy Chapman

[glenngaylord]

A GROUNDBREAKING MARVEL - My Review of BLACK PANTHER (4 Stars...but not for obvious reasons)

If you’ve followed my reviews for any amount of time, you’ll know that I truly cannot stand superhero movies.  My history with comic books remains firmly in my childhood with such titles as ARCHIES, RICHIE RICH, and NANCY.  I never got into the capes and cowls and radioactive spiders.  Currently, as the genre has literally taken over a huge chunk of the Hollywood studio system, all I think of are glorified video games filled with endless CGI explosions, and characters dressed in Halloween costumes.  Every time a friend of mine tries to coax me into seeing one they feel is better than the others, I usually can see their point, but no matter what, it’s still a superhero movie.  I never remember a thing from them, except for DEADPOOL and those spectacular opening credits.  Even so, I can’t remember anything that happened after that.  

For me, movies are memories.  They’re guides to how we can live our lives, or cautionary tales of what to avoid.  They take us places we’ll never go ourselves no matter how many frequent flyer miles you’ve amassed.  Movies allow me to feel things I don’t often get to feel in busy, commuting, workaday life.  For me, nothing can touch the joy of camaraderie like the “Tiny Dancer” bus sequence in ALMOST FAMOUS.  Unrequited love doesn’t get more bittersweet than Albert Brooks’ “I buried the lead” speech to Holly Hunter in BROADCAST NEWS.  The birth of a unique but short-lived sisterhood doesn’t feel more alive than in that scene where Madeline Kahn persuades Tatum O’Neal to come down from that hill so she can go “winky tinky”. Call me a “Get Off My Lawn” grump, but I don’t ever come away from a superhero movie with anything but a fondness for kinetics…which I can get by staring at my screensaver!

Having said that, BLACK PANTHER breaks new ground, brings much-needed diversity to a very homogenous genre, will inspire generations of people who feel empowered by the film, and actually has something to say about our history with race and the complicated world in which we live.  BLACK PANTHER feels like a revolution, and unlike the one Tracy Chapman talked about, this one does not sound like a whisper.  BLACK PANTHER, directed by the supremely talented Ryan Coogler and co-written with Joe Robert Cole, also happens to be one of the better, if not the best, superhero movie I’ve seen, but, not to beat a dead horse, it’s still a superhero movie. Even though I have forgotten nearly everything that happened in it, what it’s about, the themes it mines remain unforgettable.   One cannot deny the impact this film has and will continue to have on society.  You can actually feel the pride its cast and filmmakers have in this film.  It oozes out of the way Daniel Kaluuya stomps to the beat during the waterfall battles.  You feel it in the focus and commitment to the ideas and ideals presented.  For lovers of the genre, this one is special.  For everyone else, it’s like UNFORGIVEN.  I don’t like westerns, but that one is about as good as they get.  

No need to recap the storyline or keep going on about hating the genre, so I offer these random, stray thoughts instead:

- This is some powerful sound design and music.

- It’s a shame that the title character doesn’t really get his own origin story in this film, since that was covered in another Marvel installment.  As such, he remains a noble, if kind of bland king, while everyone else around him has way more layers.  Chadwick Boseman is no slouch,  but his character recedes a bit with the stellar company he keeps.

- That company includes Coogler regular, Michael B. Jordan, who gives an indelible performance as Erik Killmonger (not a subtle name).  His first scene in a museum employs smarts and a diabolical streak, and is THE scene I will remember.  Jordan is one dynamic star. His character carries so many of the conflicting emotions and ideas, and I found myself constantly shifting in my ability to agree with him and/or despise him.  He has an idea of how to solve the history of racism in the world that’s at odds with King T'Challa / Black Panther's, and it’s an argument worth having. The fact that it’s presented in a big studio movie is stunning, surprising and welcome.

- We’re also treated to an ample assortment of rich female characters, all of them strong warriors.  Danai Gurira (The Walking Dead), Lupita Nyong’o and Angela Bassett all make strong impressions, but it’s Letitia Wright (BLACK MIRROR) who almost walks off with the entire movie as T’Challa’s enterprising, hilarious sister, who acts as a gadget proficient “Q” to his “Bond”. 

- Nick Offerman recently underwent a stunning physical transformation when he popped up on a recent episode of WILL & GRACE.  The same can be said about Andy Serkis, who seems to have gone to a trainer and said, “Give me the Gerard Butler”. 

- Why isn’t Winston Duke on the poster?  He may not be as big of a name as the rest, but his character is memorable and he tears up the screen.

- I appreciated when the Black Panther and whomever he’s fighting in any particular scene would doff their masks, because otherwise, these scenes are the same old faceless, character-free CGI nightmares we always get in the Marvel universe. 

- I wish the ending didn’t include something so hopeless.  I felt the whole story was leading to a type of detente for future sequels to explore.  Without spoiling anything, I wish one character had been given a better shot at redemption. 

- Rachel Morrison!  You go!  She’s building an amazing resume as a cinematographer.  Consider she shot MUDBOUND and this. Step back, and ponder that!

- Costume designer, Ruth Carter, who has excelled with historical dramas and biopics, surpasses herself with her rich, character-specific, Oscar worthy work here. 

- I wish Wakanda existed.  I’d love to visit, or at least try out the inevitable VR ride at Disneyland.  The fact that there WILL be a Black Panther/Wakanda Ride at Disneyland is proof that the times are truly changing.  Walt Disney is surely rolling over in his freezer.  

[goodestboyryuji]

hi friends i’m alive and well, don’t worry! life update for those who care, ignorable text post for those that don’t (which is a-okay!!!!!!!!!!)

we’re working on a 1-2 week timeframe for me getting out of here. earlier in the week i was feeling very emotional about it; boyf and i’s lives have been so intertwined over the past almost 3 years that it sort of feels like i’m losing everything. i know that i’m not, but i don’t remember who i am without him, you know?? i know that i’ll find out/remember/discover that again, but it’s been...hard.

the past day or so though has reminded me how necessary this is. he woke me up in the middle of the night last night groping me, and even when i asked him to stop he pinned me to his chest with one arm and touched me in places i did NOT want to be touched with the other. and no matter how much i squirmed or cried to get out, he wouldn’t let me. then, after a few minutes, he let me go and said “i don’t like you anymore.” he’s well aware how many times i’ve been molested by people who took advantage of me while i’m sleeping, and he used to get angry over it and swear to protect me from that kind of hurt, so it was the lowest blow. today he said i wouldn’t be able to have kids bc i have really flexible hips (???) and even tho idk if i want kids i was like “heyyy :( that’s not funny, that kind of hurt my feelings” and he goes “yeah i don’t care”

like....not even a stranger would say that to me. there are clients at my work who know MAYBE 2 things total about me who care about me more than he does. it’s crazy.

tomorrow i’m going to my leasing office to see if i can break my lease/how much it will be. ashley, my coworker, has gotten another offer from another coworker who is getting an (amicable) annulment to be her roommate and since ash’s lease is up at the end of the month, she’s gotta make a decision. since she lives near us i’m hoping that she and boyf will basically be able to switch places, but i doubt he goes for that. worst case is ash lives with the other coworker until my lease is up in january. on saturday i’m meeting with his friend to tell him what’s been happening and to ask him to move in with boyf for a few weeks when boyf, inevitably, threatens to kill himself once i tell him i’m moving out. telling more people leads to more risk, my mom warned me, but these feel like necessary things i have to do. and if it does turn risky, i will abandon my plan and just go. 

boyf is obsessed with the idea of me cheating lately. feels like further confirmation he cheated. 

i have spent like??? no time at home??? which is why i’ve been gone from here so much. i really miss y’all and miss being here so i’m thinking i’ll just take my comp with me wherever i am so i can stay ~connected, it really helps me feel less alone. i mostly stick around at work and chill with my coworkers, who have been showing an insurmountable level of affection lately and literally only 2 of 16 know about my situation. it’s like they can tell i need it. i feel so loved when i’m there....i honestly forgot what it felt like, so i pretty much cry all the time.

and i, i, had a feeling that i belonged, i, i had a feeling i could be someone is a line from tracy chapman’s Fast Car and lately it makes me bawl like crazy. the song hits so close to home. i feel so...invisible, on the inside, like a year ago i knew who i was and i LOVED who i was. i had just gotten back from London, i was confident and strong and beautiful, and i don’t want to be self-deprecating but it’s like...where did all of that go? who am i??? i’m so scared to build that part of me up again. there is so much that needs to heal i sometimes feel like it’ll never happen.

~~~in other news~~~

i know like i’m 300% a terrible person but i must confess: i have a small crush on cute coworker. 600% WON’T PURSUE IT THO don’t worry and like, i know the moral implications on my own side are wonky at best, so i take full responsibility of that. i recognize that this is verging on emotional cheating and i feel terrible about it but i just??? can’t help it??? he was late to work yesterday bc he found a dog on the side of the street and rescued it. HE RESCUED A DOG. and he stayed with me this morning for the longest hour(s) between 5:45 and 8:15 when nothing happens at work bc i told him i was sad and he just told me his life story and he’s like...from a little rural town with two stoplights and GAH there are like a thousand other things that make him so goddamn cute. my dog loves him?? and my dog doesn’t trust ANY men these days lmao. and he told me to google his friend’s dad’s company (?? why ??? idk) but instead of telling me how to spell it he came behind the desk and like, went around me to type and he was all up in my space LIKE i know i know i need to stop, but FRICK man he makes it so hard. he’s a good dude so nothing will ever happen and i know that and am (mostly) content with that and i’m pretty sure it’s just my wounded heart attempting to remind itself that it can be kind and warm and still beat even after all of this shit i’ve been through, so i’m sure i’ll snap out of it soon. until then i’ll enjoy his face tho.

since i haven’t been going home i’ve been working out a lot. i can feel a difference already which is nice. tho omg LOL there is a fat roll on my left side that is not on my right?? and it’s like significant. like idk why there is a greater deposit of fat on my left esp since i’m left handed LOL i saw it in the mirror when i was getting dressed and it kind of depressed me but it’s also kind of funny hahaha

my pup won’t leave my side. i hope with everything in the entire world that i am able to arrange visits with him. i hope boyf gives me that. if boyf really wants to hurt me, he knows watson will be the easiest way to do it, so i really, really, really hope he doesn’t want to hurt me.

[oneweekoneband]

Left of Center // Suzanne Vega The first time I ever heard “Left of Center” was live in concert at the Fitzgerald Theater on Mother’s Day, 2003. By that time, Suzanne Vega had reached 44 years of age, smashed out of the New York City folk revival scene with her self-titled debut, topped charts worldwide with “Tom’s Diner,” won a Grammy for “Luka,” married a producer, made two albums with him, divorced him, released another (much better-produced) post-divorce album, assembled a greatest-hits compilation (literally entitled Retrospective), left her label, and embarked upon single motherhood, her daughter only a handful of years younger than me. By the time that May rolled around she had already secured her place in popular music history several times over; in fact, there are probably people who would argue that as she stood alone on the dark stage, guitar in hand, the best moments of her career were already behind her.

But to me, up in the balcony and buzzing with joy, everything felt new. I was eleven years old and it was my first rock concert. I loved Suzanne Vega –– the way you love the music woven into the fabric of your life before you’re old enough to understand anything about genre, or context, or critical reception –– and had joyfully sung every lyric to every song she’d performed so far. I don’t think it occurred to me that she might play something I’ve never heard, that she had even recorded songs other than those I’d already carved into the core of my heart, but then she launched into “Left of Center” and all the breath went out of me.

If you want me You can find me Left of center Off of the strip

Suzanne Vega wrote this song in 1986 for the soundtrack to Pretty in Pink –– ostensibly, it’s written from the point of view of Andie, the pert misfit heroine played by Molly Ringwald who falls in love with Andrew McCarthy’s Blane, an 80’s heartthrob with the personality of a pair of googly eyes glued to a slice of Wonderbread. She’s poor and “quirky,” he’s rich and wears white linen, they end up together despite best efforts by their friends to keep them apart, and if I just spoiled the ending for you then for god’s sake go watch it already. 

I’d certainly never heard of John Hughes (and it was still a blessed two years before the coinage of the term Manic Pixie Dream Girl) when I leaned off the edge of my velvet seat and listened hard to the lyrics of this song. The cultural baggage of the Weird Girl archetype didn’t yet exist for me –– I had no context other than my burgeoning self-awareness, a few first fumbling attempts to knit “gawky grin” with “glasses” with “likes books” into a grown-up self that seemed coherent. I didn’t know much yet about the kind of self I was trying to become. I just knew I’d never heard anything so perfectly describe the position I felt myself to occupy: in the outskirts / and in the fringes / in the corner / out of the grip.

The song came early in her career, but the perspective recurs over and over in Suzanne Vega’s work and in her public persona. She’s smart, she’s strange, she’s an outsider, she’s looking hard at everything in a way that might be just a little too intense. There’s a cool detachment in the way she situates herself and her characters –– always a flinty edge, a slight spookiness, an unnameable something that sets them apart. In this song’s music video, she breaks the fourth wall a few times to stare directly into the viewer’s eyes, brows arched in a private joke, then glances down, away, back at the band or the crumbling walls of the warehouse loft where they’re playing or, my personal favorite, at a collection of photos of herself, arranged on the ground in a curious collage.

A lot of critical articles about Suzanne Vega drop the word “groundbreaking” –– mostly to claim that she paved the way for a wave of expressive young women singer-songwriters of the 90s, that her success made it possible for people like Tracy Chapman and Tori Amos and Ani Difranco to go full mainstream. I will try not to use that word, this week –– it doesn’t quite sit right with me. It seems unreasonable to write off the great women songwriters of the decades previous, to claim that no one had ever done anything like this before. Plus, it plays too well into the standard narrative that surrounds young women who write music: a dazzle-eyed, gape-mouthed awe that any young woman could create smart songs (and so often, when the brief period of public approval vanishes, belittling the emotional vulnerability and candor that make those songs smart in the first place), and subsequent positioning of the young woman in question as a unique exception because of that talent (and it’s always talent –– something innate and magical, never something created through hard work and practice). As if to say, oh, this one, she’s different. Special. Not like the other girls.

Suffice it to say that I think Suzanne Vega is exceptional. She is exceptional to music, and she is exceptional to me, because to me she was first. She broke some ground, but she’s walked where plenty of women have walked before, and will walk again. My favorite thing about this song is how, if you listen to the words, it isn’t a not-like-the-other-girls narrative at all –– I think that somehow / somewhere inside of us / we must be similar / if not the same. Sure, maybe that’s about Andie gazing at Blane, dreaming of joining the rich kid clique, but I hear something different. There’s a gentleness to it, a measured neutrality. A reminder that every margin drawn is essentially arbitrary. An invitation to redraw the borders, or to erase them entirely. A reminder that the Weird Girl is, actually, just a girl like any other, constructing herself out of the world around her –– re-imagining her role model’s pink prom dress so it suits her better, rearranging pictures of herself on the dusty floor. Remember how Taylor Swift plays both characters in the “You Belong With Me” video? It’s like that.

The fall after I saw this concert, looking for a new pair of school shoes for seventh grade, I asked my mom if we could look for “ones like Suzanne Vega had.” She acquiesced, and that’s how I ended up with my first pair of black Converse low-tops. There’s nothing special or unique about that, of course. But I had never noticed them anywhere before I saw them on Suzanne Vega performing live, and she seemed, at the time, to carry herself in a way I thought I could too. Lacing them up made me feel just a little more myself: clear-headed, ready to look at the world, standing slightly off to one side.

[dyl-crane]

YOUR NAME: Ci

YOUR ACCOUNT / URL / WHERE WE CAN CONTACT YOU: cithewurld

CHARACTER LABEL: the credulous

CHARACTER FACE CLAIM: alexandra daddario, cindy kimberly, selena gomez

CHARACTER AESTHETIC BLURB: ( please include at least four lines of little blurbs similar to the skeletons already up. )

CHARACTER AGE: 22

CHARACTER PRONOUNS: she/her

CHARACTER SEXUALITY: open/exploring.

CHARACTER FEARS: claustrophobia, burning alive, explosions, infectious diseases.

CHARACTER “ANTHEM”: pretty hurts - beyonce, because of you - kelly clarkson. 

CHARACTER CONNECTION TYPES: 

alessandro vasile - half brother - scars, papa roach.

old friend - say something, a great big world.

best friend - girls just wanna have fun, cyndi lauper.

competition - you belong with me, taylor swift.

ex - where i stood, missy higgins.

crush - beneath you’re beautiful, labrinth. 

confidant - fast car, tracy chapman.

disliked by - apologise, one republic.

DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE CONNECTIONS TO BATCH 1 SKELETONS: 

alessandro vasile - half brother - scars, papa roach.

discussed with olivia ! half siblings that share the same father but have little to no knowledge of one another -- meaning that alessandro has no knowledge of her and she has a sparse amount of knowledge about him. 

WHY YOU’D LIKE THIS CHARACTER / HOW THEY’D BE PLAYED IN THE GROUP: 

SO, I don’t even know where to start with this character. She’s a sweet heart but she’s bonkers. She doesn’t need drugs or alcohol to get crazy because the world she lives in inside her own head is completely different to the one that everyone else does. And that’s where most of her issues through her life have come from -- inability to be understood by those around her. Especially her Mother who’s constant emotional pressure and blackmail probably contributed to her becoming so estranged from the real world -- but she’s happy. My girl is full of joy and kindness, she has the most forgiving heart that you’ll ever find. You could literally stab her in the back and she’d still say it was okay. AND I MEAN WITH A DAGGER OR SOMETHING. 

She’s attracted to toxic people, something that she got from her Mother. For example despite the years of conditioning, pressure and being made into a human doll and paraded around as a child model and then an adult one, her heart beats just for her Mother. This girl has been through hell to be perfect, made herself sick trying to be smart and she still loves the cause of it all with her entire heart and pities her, feels like her Mother is just sad and needs her to do as she says so she can one day be okay again. 

Her Father? Gone. She met him three times in her life and if she ever described him then it’d be as a monster, because the only true memories she have of him are the opposite of pleasant. She saw him once with her half brothers and the way she saw them treated created the illustration of a villain in her mind that lasted a lifetime -- totally ignorant to the fact that bad things have happened to her. He will always seem worse. 

I imagine that Amber is a very inconsistent person. Her thoughts are always changing but her heart isn’t. Her communication about real life issues is strange and she’s quite distant from reality. Things seem much more blase to her than they would, especially things that happen to her own self. She’s very concerned about others at times but little of that transfers to self care. She’d go back into a burning building for a mouse that lived under the stairs. That’s the kind of person she is. 

My idea of Amber’s relationships with her ex-boyfriend is that she believed in him. She’s the kind of person who pours her heart out but somehow it never touches the base of her history. She could try and heal any wounds, listen to any past and not judge and not act like it’s a big deal. She is a very calming presence but when she feels that she has no place anymore, in a way I imagine her being pushed out of his life slowly at first and then fading out altogether and just as she disappeared from her own reality -- she disappears out of his reach without really thinking that’s a bad thing. Hoping that another will fill her shoes and give what she couldn’t, but in the kindest way possible, hoping that someday something like that will come for her. 

She is beautiful but extremely strange, alienated from her own family by fate and from the people around her sometimes by the life that her Mother made from her or by her own weird personality but she isn’t lonely. From childhood she has had imaginary friends that she keeps a secret due to being rejected by her Mother. They have always kept her company through the stages of her life that were hard and they come and go but some of them stuck with her longer than others into her adulthood. She would actually class these as real friends and maybe if she hadn’t been conditioned not to, would of told someone. 

I feel like it’s honestly incredibly hard for me to encompass what this character is like without playing her because in a strange way she’s probably more grounded than anyone while appearing to be completely distanced from the real world at the same time. She’s very philosophical but people don’t dig deep enough to see and she appreciates being taken at surface value in a way that most people don’t. She’s so at peace with people not understanding her that it’s like fresh air; EXPECTED. 

In terms of the group, my gal Amber/Honey would be kind of like a tree in a storm, forever routed to the ground. She doesn’t have that in built reaction to shock and horror that others have, due to her imaginary friends and the tales they span over the years combined with her, the death, the demon, all of it, is kind of like “oh.” She has an inner peace that’s incomparable to anyone else but the heart to try and help the others. I think in her own way she’d try and be a guide but a large part of her is afraid of rejection. She has a faint clue about the identity of her brother but due to her riddle like speech at times, I doubt she would ever bring it up, she doesn’t feel like it’s her right. In a way it’s like she won’t really be there but she is. She won’t be afraid of the demon but boy, the torture won’t go down well with her. Psychologically when she’s tapped into then she will be SHOOK. I think though, despite it all, somehow, she will think there’s a reason for the demon to behave this way and feel like this is reparation. (Don’t ask me - even I don’t know where her thoughts spiral to and from).

[joshuazev]

On the word around town:

The rumor is that a lot of the people you see on the subways asking for change and donations actually pull in a fair amount doing that every day of the week.  I’ve heard of numbers upwards of $100 dollars, although it’s hard to know for sure.  Whether or not it’s true, if you pull in a $100 dollars a day you’re not doing too badly.  If you’re lying about your situation though, I suppose you’re sacrificing your dignity.  Pretending to be homeless when you’re not and taking advantage of people’s willingness to emphasize and help others.  

I’m not sure I believe any of this at the end of the day, but it is an interesting thought to put out into the universe.  Like I’ve mentioned before New York can be funny like that, sometimes.  Some people will be begging on the streets or asking for help and look in better shape than I am.  They got fresh backpacks, shoes, clothes and I’m over here saying to myself, “I haven’t bought a new article of of clothing in a year.  Maybe I should be asking you for help.”

The youth in New York can be crazy.  You ever seen the movie “KIDS.”  I wouldn’t say it’s crazy to that degree, but sometimes I’m in awe how subdued the younger kids were in Seattle when I was growing up.  The younger kids out here have this maniacal energy.  Intense.  Untapped.  Chaotic.  You can see how older New Yorkers learned there sense of space and stereotypical lack of caring with respect to space.  As young adults, there is no regard whatsoever.  

I wonder if the New York transit system, especially the subways, get away with the transportation being awful on the weekends because it’s the weekend.  Whether or not there is construction on Saturday and Sunday getting from one borough to another can be hell on earth.  Express trains run locally, local trains run with delays…but it’s Saturday.  Most people aren’t working, therefore transportation is allowed to suck.  

It’s getting a little warmer outside.  People’s outfits are changing up.  Attitudes are changing up.  Spring is around the corner, for sure.  

When I was young I could remember New York being notorious for horn honking.  That was usually synonymous with annoyance.  Nowadays, that noise can be comedic.  Watching drivers try to make their point by holding down their horns for “x” amount of time is so routine and hilarious that, at times, it can feel like exactly that…routine.  What’s fun to watch and pay attention to is the way in which taxi drivers, Uber drivers, regular drivers use the sound as a signal.  A slight, brief peep could be a lane change or a “pay attention!”, but because it’s so quick-paced there is almost a game-like quality to it.  

Peep.  Peep-Peep.  

I truly wish that very street artist that spends entire days alone with their craft and sharing it with the world could have their day or days, for that matter.  There is so much talent on the street and I fear that enough people get the proper exposure they deserve.  I saw a group of African Drummers in Columbus Circle one time that were fierce.  The sounds and rhythms were unbelievable and it felt like they were literally grabbing the pulse in your body and adjusting it to their beat.  There was the marimba player a few days ago, who didn’t like he was getting too many donations, but god could he play.  Or the man several months ago, with a voice like velvet, who had his acoustic guitar on the 1-train and was singing early Tracy Chapman and other tunes.  Just think of all the people out there we don’t see everyday.  

Somebody mentioned to me the other day that she is in charge of a company and then proceeded to mention 500 million dollars somewhere in the process.  Seeing that in a text was pretty weird.  500 million.  That’s a lot of M’s.  A lot of 0’s.  A lot of responsibility.  

You know, listening to Beethoven while writing is definitely all it’s cracked up to be.  Most classical music for that matter, actually.  There was that study about listening to him or Mozart while studying and how it improved some aspect of your studying.  It really works.  Seeing one of his concerts live would have been pretty incredible.  Quick shout out to my dad for putting me on to classical music and for always having 98.1 FM on preset number 6 in every car he ever owned.  You could say it took my entire life to get completely acclimated, but it was well worth it.  As was you conducting in the drivers seat right next to me.  I’ll leave that for another post.  

Another weekend coming to a close in the apple.  Another Fuji briefly chewed, but not completely consumed.  With many more Pink Ladys, Granny Smiths, Galas, Braeburns in store (nobody out here sells Red Delicious), who knows what will come my way.  

Peace and love to you all.