#I have like a memory of these animated music videos that were submitted as part of Gorillaz's Search for a Star contest back in 2004

[sillimancer]

I hate that there are entire slices of the internet that are no longer accessible because Flash is dead

[zkfanworkweek]

ZFAW Fan Content Creator Interviews: HayleyNFoster

Hey everyone! We hope you’re all excited for ZFAW, and to honor (ha!) ZFAW’s commitment to supporting and celebrating fan content creators in the Zutara fandom, we’re going to be rolling out a series of interviews with well-known and widely-beloved content creators over the next few weeks. We’ve got artists and fanfiction authors, some names you recognize as well as a few phenomenal up-and-coming talents, and we can’t wait for you to meet them all!

For the second interview in this cycle, we have our best propaganda creator and this fandom’s hottest new artist/undisputed queen of the animatic, @hayleynfoster!

1. Tell us about how you came to ship Zutara. What does this ship mean to you?

When I was around 14 or 15 and caught Avatar: The Last Airbender on television, I was drawn in by the art style, the humor, and the wonderful characters. I caught the episodes out of order, and the first one I saw and wasn’t prepared to be sucked in by was The Waterbending Scroll. It intrigued me at that age, and the line “I’ll save you from the pirates” combined with the tension between Katara and Zuko in that whole scene was electrifying. I remember my teenage self thinking these two have so much chemistry! And when I saw a commercial on Nickelodeon that featured fanart submitted by fellow Avatar fans, I realized that I could do that to! So I set about making Zutara fanart for myself. I stumbled onto Youtube, practically in its infancy, and discovered that people set clips of Zuko and Katara set to music (And this was still in season 1 days… so people who made these amvs were the real mvps because they were able to make compelling narratives in their amvs with like practically nothing to work with!). The AMVs really spurred my interest in this couple, I remember distinctly one Zutara AMV using the Dido song White Flag utterly capturing my imagination. I found fandom shortly after, getting into deviantart and forums. But the ship really began to mean something to me when, as I was working on my drawings in the computer lab at school, a buoyant presence hovered over my shoulder noticing my Zutara art on the computer screen. The girl was someone I had never really talked to and had only seen from afar but she immediately started excitedly saying she shipped Zuko and Katara too! In this simple shared obsession, I made one of the best friends I’ve ever had and we’re still friends to this day. We would theorize and fangirl over Avatar like it was nobody’s business; we poured over bootleg San Diego Comic Con footage that showed spoilers for season 2 before it aired; we lost our freaking minds when we finally saw The Crossroads of Destiny. We had watch parties every week as Season 3 of A:TLA aired, and comforted each other when the show ended as it did (much ranting was shared). Those are some of my happiest memories from high school… all because this one pairing from this wonderful show. Even though Zutara didn’t happen, we still chat every now and then about it. Zutara will probably be a lifelong obsession, always bubbling under the surface. And without it, I would have never realized that animation was a viable career path. It really did inspire everything including the work I’m doing to this day in the animation industry. I owe a lot to this ship and to Avatar: the Last Airbender.

2. What inspires you to create zutara fanworks?

The resurgence of Avatar: The Last Airbender this year really helped sort of spark that dormant love I had for Zutara. The show’s ending still disappointed me on the rewatch, but Zuko and Katara’s relationship arc was as captivating as ever, so I turned to some fanfiction and looking at people’s pretty Zutara art and AMVs to just revel in fanon instead of getting to hung up on the actual ending of the show. But then I realized, with quarantine and my work load being pretty light, I had time to actually make all new Zutara art for myself, art I was never fully capable of making as a kid, but now could do with my 7 years of industry experience and just… life experience. And I was inspired to do some corrective animatics to satisfy my own desire for a different ending. I just really like exploring these two characters, doing different and interesting things with them, and frankly I’m inspired to make cute, fluffy, romantic art simply by virtue of living in a really sad and depressing world. Things are so crazy right now, creating art about two characters I love being in love, is comforting. And it helps to have inspiring music and amazing Zutara amvs to just sort of stir up my emotions and imagery in my head to make into animatics and art.

3. Be selfish - if you could request one fanwork based on your own art/fanfic, what would it be? What would you absolutely love to see someone create?

Ohhhh… Well, It’s always nice to have people write fanfiction that puts words to my animatics. I am not that great at coming up with dialog myself, so I’ve just chosen to indulge in visuals and emotions for my boards. But when I read things like RideBoldlyRide’s take on my Reunion Animatic, it makes me pretty giddy. (They finally have voices!) :) And this is the MOST selfish thing I could request, but I’m not shy about saying how much I love well done amvs, so I will literally kill for someone to make Zutara AMVs to songs I like… Like, most of AURORA’s songs but especially Exist for Love, Sunseeker by The Naked and Famous, Promises or Take Me by Aly & AJ, Adore You by Harry Styles, Human Enough by ONR, Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine, and/or Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier just… I can see the AMVs so clearly to any of these songs in my head, but I don’t have the tools or skill set at my disposal to make a compelling fan video. When I was in high school, I originally thought I wanted to go into video editing simply because I loved making very crappy AMVs (they were so bad you guys), but I figured out being a storyboard artist was more in my wheelhouse. haha

4. Any words for people who are new to the fandom and/or nervous about sharing their work for the first time?

If you’re new to the Zutara fandom, just have a good time! Don’t waste too much time arguing with people over your shipping preferences. I wasted so much of my teen years having pointless shipping wars with people on DeviantArt, and I’m just so much happier nowadays because I’m just making Zutara art in my little corner of the internet, and honestly, in the politest of ways, I don’t give a shit if people don’t like my art or Zutara. haha I think that’s sort of a key thing for people thinking of posting creative works here in the fandom, just make art for yourself, satisfy your own desires for the pairing, get your creative sparks flying, and create just for the joy of creating. It’s always nice to get comments and such, but simply making the art should be what spurs you on, not the external validation. And have a good time, don’t worry too much - I say as someone who worries about EVERYTHING. But honestly, making art for A:TLA is some of the most relaxed I’ve been because I make it just for me. I’m lucky others seem to like it too!

5. What’s an idea for a fanwork that you have but haven't gotten around to making?

I have an idea for a second generation storyline with my Zutara kids that involves Kya (the eldest firebending daughter) falling in love with an airbender boy (tentatively named Gora in my headcanon who’s a bit of a rabble rouser and one of Aang’s kids he had with a Kyoshi Warrior), and then they start a socialist revolution in the Fire Nation in order to dismantle all of the hierarchical societies across the Avatar world… Together Kya and Gora Fan the Flames of revolution… ehhhhh... Get it?? Oh! Oh, and then Katara, who had put in legit liberal reforms in her time as Fire Lady listens to her daughter after resisting in the first part of the story, but then realizes she can actually play a part in the dissolution of the royalty and is also active in the revolution realizing that moderate liberal reforms are no substitute for a society free of serving royalty (which she had always been uncomfortable with but had rationalized with herself that she was doing good in her capacity as Fire Lady.) I just feel like there’s a lot of cool potential for discussing these ideas and also having some aspirational change in the Avatar world. lol For aesthetics and just happy fluffy times, I can indulge in Fire Lady and Fire Lord Zuko stuff, but really at the end of the day, I take issue with the structures in a society that have to exist for monarchies to exist. Soooo, I kind of want to do my own corrective story for that… if I ever have the time or guts. On a less ambitious note, I would love to do a Zutara sparring animatic to practice doing action, but I need a good story; I am not good at doing fights just for fighting’s sake. Those are just some things I have rattling around in my head.  

6. Are you participating in ZFAW? If so want to give us a hint as to your plans?

Yes! The most I can say is I have one animatic almost finished and one that’s still being thumbnailed. The rest are probably going to be comics or emotive single pieces based on the fanfics I really like right now. :)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

[sierrabinondo]

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could. 

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration. 

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid. 

then... the following week came. 

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of. 

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah. 

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.” 

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.  

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic. 

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried. 

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal. 

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.  

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs. 

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH.  i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am 

-watching so. much. anime. 

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals 

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green 

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

[morethanaprincess-a]

It’s so close to Valentine’s Day! And with my V-day asks and submits finished, I wanted to share a little more of a romantic headcanon for Sonia (maybe?). 

This post is all about dancing.

In short, it really seemed logical to have Sonia be a great proficient when it comes to dancing, particularly ballroom dancing. While my version of her does subvert some traditional princess interests and values (her canon already starts with this, considering both her interests in the occult and freemasonry, and her opinions regarding to wealth hoarded by the few), dancing was one of the ‘royal standards’ I really wanted to keep for her. 

Aspects of her character as well as promotional art (especially around the Danganronpa 3 anime) show that Sonia herself is pretty active and fit. While some of it is likely due to simply maintaining her health, she has to be in pretty good shape to be able to complete things like mandatory military training and strategy (and handling that rocket launcher, even if it’s in the OVA and therefore a departure from canon events entirely). But there’s also the various art used in the DR3: Despair endings featuring her in relay races, or skiing, or simply playing on the beach. I never saw her as someone physically weak or delicate from all of this. And while I’ve got headcanons for her to be skilled in things like horseback riding and shooting, sports often populated by those of higher socio-economic classes, dancing holds a very special place in Sonia’s heart.

For one, it’s one of the few ‘traditional princess interests’ that she’s actually good at and enjoys. She’s polite, caring, kind, and a stickler for good etiquette most of the time, but she’s not particularly good at things like music and art. Sonia can play a little piano (but nothing complex), but her drawing, painting, sewing/needlework, and singing skills are awful (and uh, let’s not bring up her cooking and cleaning skills either). What she lacks in artistic/culinary/cleaning skills she makes up for with languages, books, a sense of adventure and exploration, and a lot of physical activities. 

Thus, especially in historical verses, her family’s main method of making Sonia appeal to the nobility and regular people alike is her ability to dance. She’s graceful and can commit steps to memory well, but mostly why Sonia enjoys it is the ability to socialize with and get to know others.

In pretty much all of her verses, Sonia spent most of her childhood growing up alone with only her family, the Castle staff, tutors and teachers, and a few friends her parents deemed ‘acceptable’ to interact with the princess. So most of her hobbies are things she enjoys and can do in the company of others (reading aside. Truthfully, reading is pretty much her only solitary hobby. Though she’d rather not mention much about her romance video games unless she’s around someone she trusts). Physical activities, watching films and TV shows, they’re all things she prefers to experience with other people and in turn, she feels less lonely. Dancing is one of the few interests that overlap both with what Sonia gravitates to and what her family approves of, so plenty of time and effort is devoted to teaching the Princess of Novoselic appropriate dances, both for formal occasions and to keep her in shape and happy.

What counts as appropriate? In modern verses and verses that fall in the DR canon, that’s pretty much the ballroom standard: Waltz (or slow waltz), Viennese Waltz (though Sonia would refer to it as just the Waltz, considering she’s from continental Europe), Foxtrot, Quickstep, and Ballroom Tango. She’s better at some than others (mostly due to more frequent usage), particularly both waltzes and the foxtrot. Most of her peers would likely only know the slow waltz and one other, if they felt particularly inclined (or their families did). But Sonia and her family see dancing as another form of language, to communicate and understand other cultures when, on occasion, words aren’t enough. That ballroom tango has come into use especially on official visits out of the country.

In Historical AUs, particularly ones that take place before the 1920s or so, Sonia would definitely know the waltz and slow waltz, and probably more traditional dances before standard ballroom dances were decided upon. That said, she’s probably attending more formal events that require dancing in those verses to begin with.

And while in a modern verse she doesn’t need to be ‘presented into society,’ her eighteenth birthday often acts as an informal version of that very thing. Her birthday often coincides with Novoselic’s masquerade ball (a glamorous take on their traditional harvest festivals and celebrations in October), so that particular birthday tends to be a big deal for her and her family and requires Sonia to perform an exhibition dance of sorts for the guests to signify her entrance into adulthood. Likewise, she’d also be invited to be part of le Bal des Debutantes during the appropriate age range to participate, which has its own headaches (a lot of planning, a lot of press, a lot of figuring out who the heck will escort her, etc. It’s mostly an event for charity but it’s a high society event for charity that attracts the wealthy and possibly titled around the world. It’s an invitation-only event and the opportunity to wear unparalleled couture and jewels, and be positioned as a young philanthropist and important on the social scene. Basically: Sonia’s family would badger her until she accepted the invitation).

Finally, there would be a concentrated effort to keep Sonia away from the Latin dances. They don’t usually apply to the sorts of social events Sonia’s meant to engage in, and her family doesn’t approve of, ahem, how sexy they’d make the Princess of Novoselic look in the eyes of others. Dances that appear to be too sensual, bordering looking like having sex on the dance floor? Definitely a no-no for Sonia (which means there’s room to teach her such things, if your muse is so inclined). 

With all that in mind: Ball thread, anyone?

[amyscascadingtabs]

i’ll walk through hell with you

chapter 5. love, you’re not alone

read on ao3

read earlier chapters

Amy mourns, important conversations take place, and a new decision is made.

june, cont.

Amy has never called in sick for three days in a row before.

She's been on leaves, and the odd sick day is inevitable when you have a kid at daycare, but it's never been more than one or two days before she’s at least attempted to work from home. Now she can't even make herself do that.

Technically, she’s perfectly healthy, which should probably exacerbate the guilt she feels over calling in sick, but not even her FOMOW is strong enough to drag her out of the cave of misery she’s dug herself into.

 It's unlike her. She's Amy Santiago, she's a vessel of productivity more days than not, and even on lazier days, she'll have the energy to go about her daily life. This zombie-like existence, where it'll take three repeats before she notices her own name and she's uncertain when she last ate a full meal, isn't what her life is like. She's been sad before, she's been heartbroken and on the verge of giving up, but it's never enveloped her quite like this. She’s never felt this alone with her pain, because there’s no one to be mad at, no external circumstances or evil forces at work. The only things she can be angry at is her body, bad luck, and maybe fate, but she can’t put up a fight against either.

On the first day after what she supposes is the start of an early miscarriage, Amy googles, scouring the Internet for more information about chemical pregnancies. Her research feels largely pointless. It’s common, there’s nothing she could have done, it’s all down to a chromosomal accident. A chemical pregnancy can be seen as a good sign, one of the websites encourages her, and she snorts. It’s proof you’re able to get pregnant at all, she reads, and maybe it’s true, but it doesn’t give much comfort. After eight months of trying for twelve hours of euphoria that were ruined by a genetic fluke, she’d have wished for more reassurance.

 On the second day, she gets out of bed and dressed, thinking she can trick herself into going back to work and pretend like everything’s fine if she gets far enough. It nearly works and Jake looks relieved when Leah and her hug goodbye, but once she’s in the car, the panic attack from two days ago flashes past her eyes and she’s shaking until she can get out of the vehicle and walk back up the stairs to their apartment. She spends the rest of the day in bed. At first, she doesn’t cry, but then she hears Leah asking from the other side of the door about what she’s doing and her heart shatters hearing Jake try to explain that mama’s just tired, she’ll play with you again tomorrow.

 On the third day, she really tries. She gets started on a presentation for work and lets Leah pretend to make her coffee in her play kitchen, and she does feel better until her phone buzzes with news from the Santiago family group chat; David and his wife are having another baby. A welcome surprise, the message reads, and Jake has to hold her until she stops crying. Amy’s wracked with guilt as Leah brings her stuffed animal after animal, her eyes wide with distraught confusion.

 It’s after the fourth day things take a turn. As far as her days of mourning - because she supposes it is mourning, after all - have gone, day four is subdued. Equally as gray, but not as sharply painful. It’s as if someone muted the volume in their apartment and slowed down their movements, turning everything into a lackadaisical haze. Even Leah is quieter than usual, almost acting a bit nervous around her, but when the evening comes she lets Amy read her bedtime stories and she falls asleep with her hand on Amy’s cheek. It’s the most peaceful and content Amy’s felt since six days ago.

 “We have the best kid,” she mumbles as she curls up with her head on Jake’s shoulder ten minutes later, and he gives her an agreeing smile. “I think I’m going back to work tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“I need to get back to normal. I’m starting to miss it, anyway.”

“Can’t cure that FOMOW easily, huh?”

She ignores the comment. “Is the precinct still standing without me?”

He laughs. “Barely. On that note... I got a request from Holt to go on this stakeout for two days. I think I have to take it, because, well - we’ve taken a lot of days off recently.”

“Yeah, of course. I can handle a bit of solo-parenting.”

“Actually -” Jake’s voice is apologetic, tinged with a bit of regret, and Amy’s instantly on edge, lifting her head from his shoulder. “- I was thinking Leah could stay with my mom for a few days.”

“Why would she need to do that?”

“Ames, don’t take this personally -”

“I’ll decide that for myself.”

“But I think it’d be better for both of you.” Jake’s eyes are boring into hers, and there’s a gravity to his tone she wasn't expecting. “I know you don’t want this to affect her, but I think it does, even if she doesn’t understand why, and… maybe you need a couple days on your own.”

 She blinks, trying to make sense of his words. “So now I can’t be a parent to my own daughter because I'm sad over this?”

“Not what I was saying.”

“Sure sounded like it.”

“Don’t make this into something it’s not,” he asks, face twisted in a pained expression, and it takes all her self control not to get up and slam the door to their bedroom. She’s learned from her mistakes, though, so this time she listens. “I love you, so much, but I don’t know how to help you when you don’t want to talk to me, and I don’t know what to say to Leah when she keeps asking why you’re sad. She notices so much - it doesn’t feel fair to her.”

“No, but it’s not forever. It’ll get better,” she says, more to ease her own remorse. “And what do you mean I don’t want to talk to you? We’ve talked.”

“Not for real.”

“What do you mean, not for real?”

“You haven’t asked me how I feel about this, for example.” She opens her mouth, but he shakes his head. “Don't do it because you think you have to. I know it’s worse for you. But I’m disappointed, too, you know?” He bites his lip. “I think we all need a break before we go crazy.”

 She wants to object, but part of her knows he's right. They’re going crazy. Mostly her, but she can tell it’s affecting her family too, despite how desperately she wishes it wasn’t. She reluctantly swallows her anger for now - most of it is only poorly concealed guilt, anyway - and nods.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” The tension fades from his expression as he exhales, watching her like he’s searching for signs of protest.

Amy shrugs. “I feel like the world’s worst parent. But sure.”

“You’re not,” he whispers, wrapping her in a hug as she buries her face in his neck for comfort. “This is just really, really hard.”

-

Her bad conscience is even worse when she wakes up the next morning. It's made easier by Leah jumping with glee at the question of whether she wants to have a sleepover at grandma’s house, but hugging her daughter goodbye at daycare is still extra difficult. It takes five minutes longer than usual and enough cheek kisses to make the toddler try to wriggle herself out of Amy’s arms, and she’s still fighting tears when she gets in the car. She turns the music up so she won’t have to think, but her phone shuffles to Paper Rings by Taylor Swift and endless memories of family dance parties to the song flood her brain.

She turns it off.

Five seconds later, she turns it on again and lets the memories be a welcome reminder of why she has to keep fighting. By the time she reaches the precinct’s garage, she’s singing along at the top of her lungs.

 She expects her first day back at work to be complicated, making abundantly clear how much she’s missed out on, but it’s not. After helping Holt out with a briefing, going through emails and submitting a work order for another broken fridge, she’s back to feeling like her efficient, professional self. She can do this. She can move on with her life and put this behind her. She can even follow the squad out for drinks later and have a glass of red wine for the first time in two months, enough to get her tipsy and laugh too loud at Rosa’s narration of a lively debate between Charles and a suspect about the ranking of different cheeses. Karen texts her a video of Leah pretending she’s Elsa from Frozen and gliding over the living room floor while singing the same lines of Let It Go on repeat, and her heart aches a little, but the guilt is easing. Jake sends her an update on the stakeout, asking if she’s doing okay, and for once, she doesn’t have to lie when she writes back I’m doing good.

 -

 She starts her second day back doing paperwork, but she doesn’t get far before she’s interrupted.

“Hey. Amy.”

She looks up from the stack of papers. “Rosa?”

“I need your help with this witness.” Rosa cocks her head in the direction of the corridor. “I know she saw my perp, but she’s confused and I don’t think she trusts me. I was wondering if you could help me talk to her? You’re much better with the emotional ones.”

“Ooh!” Amy shines up. “Is this another case for the Sleuth Sisters?”

“If it’s what gets you on board, then, sure.”

 Rosa briefs her on the case before they go in, and it doesn't take much to wake Amy's excitement. As much as she loves being a lieutenant, likes the administrative work and appreciates the more flexible hours, she does miss the constant surprises and adrenaline rushes that come with being out in the field. She even misses this, the simple interacting with people in order to both help them and discover new clues, anything leading closer to a solved case. She enters the room with a pep in her step and an ambition to help, but freezes when she sees the witness.

 At first, she wonders if it's the same tension she’s felt the handful of times she's had to question a familiar face - an identical twin of a high school bully, or a former neighbor she held a grudge against - but it only takes a closer look to realize that's not the issue. Amy doesn't recognize this woman.

The witness simply happens to be very pregnant.

 She doesn’t ask, because it’s not pertinent to the case, but Amy would put the woman at around six-seven months. Too far along for it to go unnoticed, not yet at the point where it looks like you’ve swallowed an exercise ball. She remembers loving that part of pregnancy, with the nausea gone and the energy returning. Her jealousy is a physical ache when she sees the witness placing her palm high up on her stomach, smiling in the same way Amy remembers she would do whenever she’d feel kicks.

The woman is shy at first, talking in a low voice with short sentences, and she keeps her hands atop the baby bump the whole time. Amy doesn’t blame her - she knows how naturally the instinct comes - but it doesn’t keep her from wishing the woman would stop drawing more attention to her state.

She doesn’t remember what questions she asks. She doesn’t remember what the woman answers. She makes notes but isn’t sure what she’s writing. All she can focus on is how the witness seems to personify the romanticized pregnancy glow, with shiny, thick hair and a cute bump. Amy’s using so much willpower in order not to cry, panic, or leave the room, it’s making her sweat, and yet she can tell from Rosa’s quizzical glances that her behavior is conspicuous. She can’t hide her envious anxiety, because every instance the woman touches her belly is another reminder of the pregnancy Amy thought she had and lost.

 Amy rushes towards the women’s bathroom the second it’s over. She needs to breathe, put her head between her knees and let the tears come until she’s cried out every drop of frustration over her situation, the unfairness of it all, the deep shame in not even being able to feel happy for someone else anymore. She’s disgusted with herself. Eight months of limbo trying to conceive has officially made her insane.

She’s leaning over the sink and splashing cold water on her face when Rosa catches up with her.

“Amy? What the fuck was that about?”

“Nothing. It was nothing,” she rambles. “I’m good. Great.”

“No, you’re acting weirder than usual, and something’s clearly up. Come on.” Rosa’s grip on her wrist is firm without feeling pressuring, and Amy’s too shaky to protest, so she follows her friend to the evidence locker.

“Can you sit down?” Amy nods. “Okay, great. Do you need your meds?” She manages another, more tentative, nod. “Okay, wait here and I’ll get them. Handbag, outer pocket, right?”

 Rosa disappears before she can confirm the information. She returns a couple of minutes later with two cups of tea and a prescription bottle, handing Amy the anxiety medication and gesturing at her to sit down before giving her a stern look.

“Okay, Santiago. Tell me what’s up before I get mad at you for making that witness feel weirded out.”

“I’m sorry.” Amy twists the cap, swallowing one of the pills before sitting down on the floor next to Rosa, their backs against a shelf of cardboard boxes. “You didn’t tell me she was pregnant.”

“No, because I didn’t know it was something you would act all loony about.” Rosa raises a brow. “What’s up? Are you pregnant again? That’s usually when you’re crying in here.”

She sighs, twisting back the cap and placing it on the floor beside her. “No, I’m not pregnant.”

“So?”

“We’ve been trying since fall,” Amy blurts out, admitting it to someone else for the first time in six months. “With IVF, now, but I’m still not pregnant. I almost was. Or I was, but I had an early miscarriage, so… no.”

Rosa nods slowly, bringing the cup of tea to her lips. “Damn.”

“It took eight months before we got a positive test. Ovulation testing, scheduling, IVF with shots and pills and money and a billion doctor’s visits. Then we finally found out I was pregnant.” The words are flying out of her, an unstoppable flow once she’s found them. “Except not even a day later, we found out it wasn’t happening, the numbers were too low. Chemical pregnancy. It’s why I was gone last week.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She bites her lip. “God, it’s so good to tell someone.” “Uh-huh. Wait.” Rosa scrunches her nose and knits her brows like Amy just critiqued The Holiday. “You haven’t told anyone?”

Amy laughs. “How would I do that? Call a briefing, stand in front of everyone and say hi, just so everyone knows, I’m trying to have another baby but I have shitty ovaries so it’s not going well and it’s making me depressed? Sure.”

“Not a public announcement, dum-dum. But you could have told your friends.”

“I didn’t want people to know. It’s been hard enough to deal with on my own. ”

“And I get that,” Rosa nods. “But there are people here who care about you. We could have been there for you.”

“How? Steered me away from every pregnant woman in case I start crying? I’m sorry, Rosa, but I don’t see how it would work.”

“Maybe not, but we could have helped! I could have known not to ask you to work with me on this specific witness instead of sitting through that shitshow!” She groans. “I know you hate accepting help or whatever, but you’re not alone in this, even if you think you are.”

Amy looks down at her shoes. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. Just… don’t torture yourself over this more than you have to. It’s not worth it.”

 They sit like that for another moment, no sounds but the occasional sips of tea and heavy breaths as Amy feels the anxiety fade from a heavy storm to a cool breeze. She still feels guilty over ruining the case for Rosa, for the poor pregnant woman who probably thinks Amy’s a sociopath, but the tea and company are helping more than she can express. She knows Rosa’s right, too - she’s been keeping this pain mostly to herself for so long, never considering the option of talking about it. It’s a little bit of performance anxiety, a little bit of embarrassment and a little bit of stigma. She’s not supposed to struggle with getting pregnant.

 “I guess I was afraid if I talked about it, it would make it more real.” The realization takes shape as she speaks it. “Like, as long as we didn’t tell anyone, I could pretend it wasn’t happening.”

“But it’s already real, isn’t it? Talking about it won’t change that.”

“I guess not.”

Much to Amy’s surprise, her friend, who could and probably would break Amy’s arm if she hugged her without asking, lays a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it gently.

“Look, I get if you don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s fine. But if you want to come over tonight, watch a Nancy Meyers movie and drink tequila, you can. I won’t bully you if you cry.”

The sentiment is sweet, and so very Rosa of her, it makes Amy throw her arms around her best friend in gratitude, risking the fact that she might lose her arm. Rosa grunts, but then she leans into the hug for a brief, precious moment before disentangling herself.

“I’ll expect you at eight,” Rosa says before collecting their teacups and standing up. “Bring pizza.”

This time, Amy manages a proper smile. “I’ll be there.”

 -

 She tries to get back to work, but her focus is done and the precinct appears calm, so she takes the freedom of working from home for the rest of the day. There are only three hours left until she’s supposed to pick up Leah, anyway, and the apartment could use some cleaning. Her daughter’s room, in particular, is a mess so thorough Amy’s nearly impressed, but mostly shocked by how a person so tiny can create so much chaos. There’s no question about which parent the child inherited her non-existent organization skills from, she thinks, and gets to work on pairing together different puzzle pieces with their boxes.

 It’s when she’s laying on her stomach, trying to get a hold of the pieces that’s made their way underneath Leah’s bed, that she finds something. There’s a plastic bag pushed all the way to the wall, and she reaches for it to see what it is. She can’t see clearly through the packaging, so she unwraps it, pulling out a white toddler-size t-shirt with black arms and fancified gold writing that reads Promoted To Big Sister.

The heaviness in her chest returns with a vengeance when she realizes Jake must have ordered it - either during the few hours they thought they were having another baby, or even earlier. She clutches the item to her chest and closes her eyes, anticipating the tears.

 “Shit. I was hoping you wouldn’t find that.”

Amy turns her head to find Jake standing in the door opening. It's clear from the messy hair and crumpled t-shirt that he's coming straight from a long work shift without showering first, and the bags under his eyes make her wonder when he last slept.

“It's okay,” she says quickly, folding the item so she can't see the design. “Just… can you take it?”

He nods, taking it from her hands and sitting down across from her on the gray long-pile rug, putting the shirt behind his back.

“I can hide that better. I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.” Amy snivels. “It's fine. I'm fine.” She stands up, picking up a stuffed Ikea shark from the floor and putting it on Leah's bed.

“You're cleaning.”

“Yeah.” She finds an illustrated Harry Potter-book at the foot of the bed and returns it to its shelf. “It calms me. How was the stakeout?”

“Good,” he nods. “How are you?”

“I'm okay. I think. How are you?”

His smile bears heavy traces of exhaustion. “Also okay, I think. Did a lot of thinking while I was away, actually.”

“Yeah.” Amy picks up a basket of fabric vegetables, putting them near the play kitchen before she sits down across from Jake again. “So did I.”

“Do you want to share, or…?”

“No - you go first.”

 Jake grimaces. They’ve gotten better at this over the years, finding a balance between his hesitancy to lay bare his emotions in serious conversation and her tendency to read into details and draw the worst conclusions posthaste, but she can still sense his discomfort as he reaches for a stuffed dragon from Leah’s bed, squeezing it to keep his hands occupied.

“I know I don’t know what it feels like,” he says slowly. “It’s not my body that’s…”

“Broken,” she fills in reflexively.

“Putting up a bit of a fight,” he corrects her with an unyielding look. “But you’ve been acting a bit like it doesn’t hurt for me, too. I know it was only a day, but for that day… I was already ordering that shirt for Lee, you know? I was so excited.”

“I know. I’ve really been busy feeling sorry for myself, huh?” She tries to laugh, but the chuckle dies out like a droplet of water swallowed by a raging fire.

“No, you’ve been suffering. Don’t be mad at yourself for that. Just… you’re not alone in this.” His hand reaches out to hold hers, and she squeezes it tight.

“It’s funny. Rosa told me the same thing today.”

“You talked to Rosa?”

“Yeah. I’m going over there for Nancy Meyers and tequila tonight.”

“Good, you need it.”

“I do, huh?” This time, the quiet laughter survives. The corners of Jake’s mouth quirk up.

 She's missed seeing him smile, she realizes. She's missed sharing happiness with him. They’ve had moments of hope, and even when everything has felt dark, they've still smiled and had fun with their daughter; but she wonders when they last laughed at something trivial just the two of them. It feels like ages.

“I miss our normal life,” she says, because it's the only way she can think of to describe it. “I’m sorry I brought you into this mess. It's all my fault.”

Jake frowns. “No, we agreed on trying IVF.”

“I meant, I'm sorry we're struggling at all.”

“I don't think I get it -”

“It's my body that's the problem, right? If only you’d married a woman with well-functioning ovaries, you wouldn't be sitting here.”

 She's serious, but the way he narrows his eyes and looks at her like he doesn't know if she's joking or not, makes her giggle. He joins in, shaking his head in disbelief, and for a moment, it feels like old times.

“I know this might be hard to believe,” he grins, “but Amy Santiago, I did not marry you for your ovaries.”

“Well, that's a relief.”

“I swear. I love you, more than anything in the world except our daughter, and that means I love all parts of you.”

“Even my shitty ovaries?”

Jake rolls his eyes lovingly. “They wouldn't be the first thing I listed, but, yes. I love them too.”

She laughs again. “Thanks, babe.”

“You're welcome.”

“I love you, too.” Amy closes the short bit of distance between them, wrapping him in a close hug as they sit there on the carpet. She's sniveling again, drying her eyes against his flannel, and he strokes her upper back and kisses the top of her head as he holds her. “So, so much.”

 They sit like that for a moment, not moving more than the slightest of shifts, another soft kiss pressed to a neck or a cheek.

“Do you want to think about the next step?” Jake asks, and she nods.

“We still have two frozen embryos left - we could transfer those and hope one sticks.”

His eyes gleam in that mischievous way she recognizes so well, maybe even from the first day they became partners. “And are we doing both at once?”

“I guess we might as well, right?”

Jake pumps his fist in a childish victory gesture, and it's Amy's turn to roll her eyes. Her skepticism is half-hearted, though, because it's hard to remain unaffected by his infectious happiness.

“I can't wait to be a family of five with you,” he whispers into her ear, pulling her onto his lap, and she groans.

“You’ve got to stop saying that, I swear you’re going to jinx it.”

  ~

 august.

Maybe it’s the fact that she’s gotten used to it, that she’s not forcing her body to produce an unnatural amount of mature eggs, or that she’s filled with so much now-or-never furious ambition, but Amy experiences their second attempt with fertility treatments to flow much easier. She takes the medications, is thankful they don’t involve as many injections this time, goes to checkups, and does all she can to maximize her chances in the meantime. No tip is too absurd in comparison with her desperation for this to succeed. She tries acupuncture and changes her diet. She cuts back on caffeine despite the headaches it gives her, and takes even more vitamins. She does a few tries at fertility yoga, which mostly fail when Jake walks in on her doing a very wobbly supported shoulder stand and explodes in laughter, or when Leah insists on watching and is silent for exactly one minute before she wants to use Amy as a jungle gym and tries to climb on top of her in bridge pose. At first, Amy’s frustrated, but then she thinks of the sources she’s read about laughter being able to boost fertility, and lets the yoga session turn into a giggling tickle fight with her toddler. It’s much more fun, anyway.

 She continues the tips after the transfer, too. She wears fuzzy socks for her day of bed rest even though it’s the end of July and their bedroom is uncomfortably heated as is, because keeping your feet warm is supposed to boost chances of implantation. She orders jasmine scented candles for the same reason, but it only takes a minute after lighting one for her to realize she’s wildly allergic. In the end, there’s nothing to do but wait, hope, and try to relax.

 They decide to go all-in for the relaxation part. Truthfully, it’s not as much a decision as an offer from Charles and Genevieve to tag along for free on their family vacation after a pair of Boyle cousins dropped out, and not as much relaxation as it is a change of environment to chase their dare-devil two-and-a-half-year-old around in, but it is a paid-for one-week-trip to a family-friendly resort in Mexico and they’re not going to say no. Amy packs two pregnancy tests in her bag, and they’re on their way.

She worries about whether being on vacation with Charles will inevitably mean an abundance of intrusive questions and terrifying dining choices, but either Genevieve or Jake must keep him in check, because it’s neither. Rather, having two extra adults present ends up hugely improving the vacation - there's always someone guarding the kids, and Amy finds herself finishing reading one book, a poetry collection and listening to two podcasts already in the first four days. She gets her daily workout in by chasing Leah around, trying to prevent her from jumping headfirst from the deep end of the pool. She takes turns with Jake to pretend they're sea monsters who want to eat Leah's toes while she floats around with her swim ring and puffs, laughing merrily at them both. She discovers that the best way to get her daughter to let her put on sunscreen is if she gets to watch YouTube clips on the iPad meanwhile, and reaffirms that the best way to get Jake to put it on is to do it for him, then accept his offer of returning the favor. They try out all of the resort’s playgrounds and eat a ton of ice cream to keep cool. On one of the days, Jake and Leah take a nap together in the shadow spooning on a daybed, and Amy takes about a hundred pictures before scooching her bed as close to theirs as possible.

With her heart full, and her relaxation levels higher than they've been for a long time, she almost forgets it's time to take a pregnancy test.

 -

 It's evening by the time she remembers.

Charles and Genevieve have offered to babysit Leah for a night in exchange for Jake and Amy watching Nikolaj the next, which gives them the rare chance to have a proper date night. Amy gets dressed up, opting to go the extra mile with a sleek, black, v-neck dress that hasn’t seen the light of day since their honeymoon, and paints her lips a matte red for a pop of color. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, she worries it’s too much - the dress sits tighter over her hips than it used to and the makeup feels like she’s overcompensating - but the way Jake’s gaze lands on her once she steps out, how his eyes widen and he swallows a gulp of air, makes her stresses dissipate.

Eight years of dating, five years of marriage, and he still looks at her with as much awe as he did their first night together.

He’s wearing a familiar pastel pink button-down, paired tastefully with dark jeans and the curls she still goes crazy for, so Amy figures she looks at him the same way.

 It is with great willpower they make it down to the restaurant in time for their reservation, only stopping once to make out against the wall of a hotel corridor. They’re seated at a nice table near a window with an ocean view, and it takes the waiter placing two drink menus on their table for Amy to realize why it feels like she’s forgotten something.

“Shit,” she mumbles, biting her lip as she reads the wine list.

Jake looks up, a horrified look on his face. “What? Don't tell me they only have Orangina for orange soda.”

“No, it’s not that. I just remembered I don’t know if I can drink. I forgot to take a pregnancy test.”

“That’s today?”

“Yeah. I was going to take it this morning, but then we slept in and Leah woke us up by jumping in our bed...” “And then Charles knocked on our door and asked us to come down to the breakfast buffet in five minutes,” Jake nods, bringing his hand up to his chin as if he’s in deep thought. “Well, we could leave and take it now?”

Amy considers it, but as much as she wants to find out, she also wants to sit here forever. Something about the restaurant’s lighting is making her husband look especially gorgeous, and it’s been way too long since they last sat through a proper nice dinner. She needs this. They need this.

“No,” she decides, intertwining her hand with his across the table. “Let’s have a quick dinner. I won’t drink anything, and then we’ll take a test.”

“Okay. Then I won’t drink either,” Jake declares, flipping to the non-alcoholic drinks with his free hand. “Yes! Regular orange soda!”

“You don’t have to just because I can’t -”

“Ames, I’m repeating, regular orange soda. This is the opposite of a problem. Plus,” he shrugs, “I literally just want to spend time with you.”

His tone is so genuine, his smile so sweet, she can’t stop herself from leaning forward and kissing him despite the looks from their fellow restaurant-goers.

 The dinner is wonderful, yet Amy can’t shake her nervousness. It bothers her. She’s having a luxurious meal, toasting in fruity soda together with the love of her life, and she can’t even be fully present in this moment because she’s worried about what the test will show. If this attempt has failed, she’ll have to do another full round of IVF, even though the thought of more injections makes her want to scream. If they get another negative test, it’ll be ten months and counting of this taking up too big a part of their lives, and Amy’s tired.

She wants to be pregnant and she wants to have another baby, but she also wants to enjoy life with her family without worrying about cycles, ovulation tests, and clinic check-ups. She wants to go on more of these date nights, more vacations, and share a glass of wine with her husband in the evening because she can. She’s tired of rules and recommendations, of counting, scheduling, and planning. For ten months she’s tried to be patient, but now the exhaustion has begun to creep over her.

They rush back to the suite once the dinner is done. Jake waits outside the bathroom while she takes the test, tries to make her hands stop shaking as she washes them, and carefully places the test display-down on the sink. He hugs her when she comes out, and she lets herself relax for a second in his arms even though she feels sick with anxiety.

They sit on the balcony, drinking from glasses of alcohol-free champagne in silence until the timer on her phone rings. Jake goes to get the test from the bathroom, but Amy feels like she knows the result before he’s given it to her.

 The test shows a bolded, plain, Not Pregnant, and she scoots it with her foot across the balcony, getting it as far away as possible.

“I’m sorry, “ Jake whispers, letting her lean her head on his shoulder and squeezing her hand.

She exhales, forcing herself not to cry. “So am I.”

“What do we do now?”

“First, I say we order a bottle of real champagne.”

Jake raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t object.

 Much like it was a sudden thought that awakened a long lingering feeling when she first suggested they’d start trying, this time it's the immediate and overpowering negativity bringing up the growing sensation of impending burnout, that makes her say what she's thinking.

“I want to stop.”

Jake looks at her with as much shock as if she’d said she was thinking of canceling her Staples Rewards Membership. “You want to… stop?”

She nods.

“Like.. just… stopping?”

“You heard me. I don't think I want to do this anymore.” Amy draws a shaky breath, looking down at their intertwined hands. “If we have another go at IVF, we have to do the whole thing again. I guess we could, but it’s so much money, Jake.”

“We could work it out,” he mumbles.

“We could. I just don't know if I want to.”

“But… you wanted another baby.”

“And I still do.” She thinks of all the families she’s seen at the resort over the last few days. Sisters and brothers playing together, a light-haired toddler taking a break from swinging to run and kiss their baby sibling’s head, tiny infants with sunhats and baby swimsuits eliciting screams of happiness from being in the water while their big siblings try to entertain them. It’s painful to imagine never having her dream of more than one kid fulfilled, but it’s infinitely more agonizing to feel like she’s missing out on the wonderful life she does have.

“But it's been so long. It’s been so much pain, time and tears, and I'm still not pregnant. Remember when you said we’d do IVF as long as I felt it was worth it for me?”

Jake nods slowly. He’s watching her with a wistful look on his face, which is somehow more heartbreaking than the negative test.

“I don't think it is worth it for me anymore,” she whispers.

“I… are you sure, Ames?”

“No,” she confesses. “Yes. For now, I’m sure.”

 He wraps his arms around her again, neither of them saying anything as she twists her head so their foreheads are touching. Trailing her fingers against his jawline, she cups his face, lips brushing against his with the softness of doing it for the first time and the familiarity of doing it for the thousandth. He’s a little surprised by the move, but then he’s kissing her back just as carefully, one hand tangling in her hair before he draws back.

“I’ll go get us that bottle of champagne,” he says, and squeezes her hand another time before leaving.

 The sun’s starting to set, painting the sky a captivating roseate-orange blend. It fills Amy with a sense of peace and relief - a hope that her life will soon feel more like her own again.

Checking her phone inside, she sees that Charles has texted them a picture of a soundly sleeping Leah. She ignores the trio of winking emojis he’s written after encouraging them to have a good night and sends back two hearts instead. She’s already missing her daughter so badly it’s physically painful, and her eyes linger on the picture long after she’s replied, but she reminds herself that tomorrow is only hours away. Tonight is date night, and she’s determined to make it a good one despite its unconventional start.

 Jake returns ten minutes later, all out of breath from what he describes as a brisk walk to the corner store to buy the fanciest bottle they had for a decent price, and she smiles and kisses his cheek before accepting a glass.

“This is beautiful,” she says, moving aside so there’s space for him on the patio loveseat.

“The sunset?”

“This night. The sunset. You.”

“You’re beautiful-ler.” His reply is as reflexive as her eye-roll.

“I mean it. I want to enjoy this night with you. Hell, I just want to enjoy my life,” Amy gives the abandoned test a death-glare, “without this constant stress. It’s ruining everything.”

“It hasn’t ruined everything...”

“No, but everything would still be better if it wasn’t there, you know?” She shrugs and he nods, taking a sip from his glass. “I want to get back to our normal life. This vacation is making me realize how much I miss it.”

“What do you miss?”

“Being relaxed. Having any sort of free time. I miss being able to just live our lives with our amazing daughter, and not be constantly thinking of whether I’ve taken this and that medication or gone to this and that appointment and what day of what cycle it is.”

“I get that.” There’s a playful smile on his lips, and she’s about to ask what he thinks is so funny before he speaks again. “Do you think maybe we make such great kids that the universe couldn’t handle more than one? Think about it! Your brain, and my good looks - maybe it’s too powerful a combination, and if we have more children, everything will, like.. explode.”

It’s a ludicrous theory, but he delivers it with so much conviction it makes her snort, laughing until there are tears in her eyes.

“I’ll have to admit,” she says when she can finally form words again, “it sounds way more plausible than any other explanation.”

 There’s a lighter atmosphere between them after his joke, the warm evening air a little easier to breathe. They change the topic, drink more wine, and she makes less note of what they’re talking about than how content she’s feeling. It's like just making the decision to stop and accept the situation, rather than doing everything in her power to change it, is a giant block of stone off her shoulders. Without it, she can feel like herself again. The painful thought of never having another baby still bites at her, but for once, she's able to push it aside and refill her glass instead.

She wonders when they last had a proper date night like this. She’s certain it’s been too long - if nothing else, then for the way she finds her eyes resting in certain places after a while. The one unbuttoned button on his shirt, revealing a bit of slightly tanned chest. The way his fingers wrap around the thin glass. His neck, practically asking to be peppered with nips and bites. His arms, his hands, the thighs she can't help but rest her hand on.

A moment of deep eye contact, meeting his curiosity before she blushes, looking away.

 “Another thing I miss about my life,” she says, struck with sudden confidence. “Having sex with you without always thinking about whether I’ll get pregnant.”

“Woah there.” Jake coughs, examining her expression. “Did you have four drinks already?”

She shakes her head.

“Hmm. Anyway - it's okay, Ames.”

“For you, maybe.” She swallows the last in her glass. “Less so for me.”

His cheeks turn a dark crimson. “I'm sorry -”

“It's not your fault,” she assures him. “Honestly, I haven't let it be about me. Or us. But - god - I miss it being just for pleasure.”

“Me too.”

The heated glance he gives her is a physical sensation, making desire pool in the pit of her stomach and sending her nerves on full alert when his hand touches her bare inner thigh, softly stroking.

“I can't remember when we last were child-free together for a whole night,” she whispers, and he smiles a knowing smile. “Let's make the most of it.”

“If you say so.”

She pulls him in for a searing kiss, sighing with pleasure as he moves his hand higher, closer to where she's aching for if to be.

“Let's go inside, babe.”

 She’s nervous about so many things - whether she’ll change her mind tomorrow, whether this counts as giving up, if it makes her weak - but as Jake’s fingers brush over the faint bruises from the last injections with so much reverence, and he makes a point of kissing the thin white stripes on her lower abdomen that remain tangible proof she once carried their child inside of her, she decides those thoughts can wait. His lips move to her centre, and she gasps so sharply, he places a hand on her hip to keep her still.

“Don’t you dare stop,” she breathes, feeling the vibrations of his laugh before he sucks harder and everything is forgotten except the blissful sensation of his tongue against her and the building, pleasant tension as he pushes her closer to the edge.

 It’s a night of relief, in more than one sense.

 ~

[purplesurveys]

1068

What internet browser do you use?  Chrome. It’s what I’m used to, but I also think it looks the cleanest among the other available browsers.

What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) I never reach for imported water brands like Evian because what is the point?? The local bottled water brands we have like Summit and Absolute work fine and already do a great job of quenching my thirst.

Do you have a job? Yes and I go back tomorrow and I’m cringing thinking about it. I love my job, but I wish it wasn’t so mercilessly hectic for 9 straight hours, 5 days a week. I like to think that I was hired right at the start of all the simultaneous Christmas campaigns of our clients which is why everything seemed busy; so I’m hoping the workload will start to die down a little bit now that all the holidays are over.

Are you full-time or part-time? Full-time.

Are you watching TV right now?  Nope. I was watching on YouTube earlier, but I decided to focus on this.

Or are you listening to music? No. It’s silent here in the living room, just the way I want it to currently be.

Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? I don’t think that’s enough money for a dare that big.

When's your birthday?  April 21st.

Thoughts on kids?  I’m a lot less idealistic about them now. I used to want kids with my only formula being “I’ll do the exact opposite of what my mom did with me.” but I realized it’s so much more complicated than that. Raising a kid/kids is a whole damn job in itself and I see that with how my cousins of the same age, but from different families, have been acting. My cousins from one family are really spoiled and entitled, and I can’t last in a room with them for more than a minute; but my cousins in another family are so ridiculously well-behaved I can’t even start to fathom how respectful and kind they are. That observation has scared me away from kids in the meantime, because I still have to figure out how to not fuck such a responsibility up.

Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents?  The worst thing they ever did was take away my laptop privileges for an indefinite period when I was 11, when they caught me being a dumbass on social media and cursing all over the place. It’s a reasonable punishment per se, but that was also a time when the internet was starting to become a resource and requirement for homework and school projects; so my parents didn’t know how many things I failed to submit because they didn’t allow me on the internet.

Are you the type who is completely against abortion? I am pro-choice and pro-pregnant people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t like the idea of abortion, but I’ve always believed people should have access to resources to learn more about it, to a healthy culture that embraces it as an option, and to actual facilities that will enable them to receive one if the need be.

Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.

Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? Peonies don’t mean anything in particular. I just think they look pretty.

What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered?  I can’t imagine dogs ever getting endangered, but hypothetically I’d be crushed. I’d do the same thing I would do with other endangered animals, which is to spread the word about their situation and what can be done to save them from getting even fewer in number.

Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette?  No. I never cared for makeup. I’m turning 23 and still don’t feel the need to invest in it...should I be worried?

Do you own a tripod for your camera? We used to, but I have not seen it in a long time.

Are your nails always painted?  They never are.

What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. < This was true for me too, at least for a time. Another one would be the barbecue that my uncle bought for a family gathering once that was definitely contaminated with something...shit gave me food poisoning at 3 AM and made me think my half-naked self was going to die right then and there in the bathroom.

Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for?  We only ever decorate for Christmas, so I guess it wins by default.

Were you popular in school? By the second half of high school I was hanging out with the popular groups and getting invited to popular kid things, but I never wanted to claim to be popular myself. I still liked letting my friends take the spotlight.

Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion?  Is there something you intend to buy in the near future?  Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have?  What's the screensaver on your computer?  Crossing these out as I believe this survey is a shuffle of questions from many different surveys...? and I have already answered these five in a past survey I recently finished.

What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I don’t really care for guys, I think... I still haven’t made up my mind about them yet, but all I know is I definitely have not felt seriously attracted to any irl man my whole life.

What’s the sexiest thing about a girl?  THIGHS

Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021?  Who was the last person to send you a message on social media?  ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown?  Have you smiled at any point during the last hour?  What was the last thing you consulted Google for? So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? When was the last time you were on a carousel?  What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? Have you ever played Halo?  Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine?  When was the last time you had a pillow fight?  Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: In your own words, define what the word sexy means.  What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live?  Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? Are you any good at volleyball?  Have you ever had a water balloon fight?  Same situation as above. What an interesting order of questions, hehe. Still having fun with this though!

Do you think some babies are ugly?  Newborns are super wrinkly and make the strangest facial expressions from time to time. That won’t stop me from cooing at them, though.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I’ve never been there. Is it like a standard birthday party events place for kids?

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? In time, maybe. 

Do you love stuff-crusted pizza?  Yessssss.

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? I don’t, but I should probably pick it up as a habit seeing how dry my skin can get.

What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. < Same!

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Gabie.

Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? I’ve never even posted a video on YouTube.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? Not my spot of choice, so maybe not.

Do you like Robert Frost poems?  I’m only familiar with one and I’m having a little trouble remembering it rn haha.

Do you go to church every Sunday?  We used to go to church, yeah; back when it was okay to. Our local church has allowed face-to-face masses again (but with very limited attendees) but my mom has preferred for us to stay home, so for the last few months we’ve been watching livestreams of Sunday mass every week.

Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year?  I would say Gab and I were on-and-off, but it went on a lot longer than a year. The total time would amount to six years.

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. Or modeling, if I could only pull it off.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I seriously don’t care. I skip out on bras all the time because I honestly personally don’t need them, and everyone should be allowed to feel and act the same way.

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I never do this. Even before Covid, I’ve felt iffy about trying clothes that many others have already put on and were probably not washed 100% well. I’d rather get something, try it on at home, decide if it’s a good fit or not, and then return it ASAP if it ends up being the latter.

Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes?  My mom doesn’t knock so I’ve always been scared to try sleeping naked (and she also throws a fit if she catches me locking my door, which is like - then why did you even buy a doorknob with a lock??), but I definitely see the appeal.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?  Yes for the more part lmao, but I don’t know if I’ve ever made out in a dream.

Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before?  Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve?  What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it?  Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? 

Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? Through choice. Waste management is sadly not much of a priority here, if at all.

Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day?  I have never tried the latter two. Water has always been tasteless and plain to me, and I never understood the point of customizing something that’s meant to be tasteless and uncarbonated. There are days where I’m able to have several glasses and other days where I unconsciously skip out on water until dinner.

Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? Fortunately I’ve never had to call any of these.

When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? I wasssssss maybe having something printed? If it wasn’t that, I was probably returning a book.

Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? None of that here, especially since I live in the city. A sighting of a wild animal outside of a zoo or eco-park would definitely make national news, like that time an ostrich was seen running around a private village many months ago.

Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? Yep, from a dengue scare that turned out to be just a simple low platelet count.

Have you ever experienced a panic attack?  Yes, but they are extremely rare. The last time I had one was maybe two or three years ago. Unfortunately I think all my panic attacks were caused by and involved my mom.

Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID?  For a time, when I was hating journalism in college, I was daydreaming about the idea of shifting to biology and making the drastic swerve to med school. But I knew a love of memorizing and biology topics won’t be enough for me to be successful in the medical field, so I quickly shot the idea down.

Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? People are definitely following and have been obedient with protocol in different places. Some cities are also still strict with maintaining their checkpoints and banning tourists from entering their area just yet. It’s the government that hasn’t really been making the effort to put measures to contain the virus.

Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree?  Artificial. I don’t know if getting real trees for Christmas trees is a thing here.

What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn?  Cheddar cheese.

Do you drink oat milk? Nopes. I’d like to try it just to say that I have (and I might end up loving it too), but I have yet to look up what foods or drinks it works best with.

Do you love thrifting?  Sure, sometimes I get good finds from it.

Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic?  Sometimes I’ll use it in a Powerpoint or a tweet, but I wouldn’t say it’s an aesthetic that defines me as a person.

Do you say “mood?”  Too much.

Do you own fairy lights?  No. I wanted those before, but I’m not so sure if I still do now.

Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? I don’t own glass straws. Most places have changed their cups into a design that you can sip directly from, anyway.

Have you made a TikTok? No, don’t care.

Do you own airpods?  No, but would like a pair.

Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I really don’t care.

Do you make life choices based on astrology?  No, I don’t believe in it. It scares me how much some people rely on it and use it as an actual moral compass or judgment system. It doesn’t harm anyone so I never actively speak out against astrology, but it scares me nonetheless.

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own?  One pair. I used to own another one, but my mom threw it out several years ago.

Number of jeans in your closet:  I would say like 10-12.

What accent do you have?  Philippine English/Americanized Filipino, I guess.

Do you have a big butt? I’d say it’s decently-sized.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? Yeah, before.

Have you graduated?  Both high school and college, yup.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa?  I like Rihanna’s music more, but I love Gaga’s outfits, concepts, and stage presence more. Do you use fake eyelashes?  No. I had to use them twice, but I’d never seek them out on my own.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? It’s been a while since I encountered a book like this.

What makeup brands do you use?  I don’t use makeup.

[dailyabx]

Day 18

It is a Monday, the most popular day of the week before Friday, and maybe Wednesday? Regardless, it is the day that begins the first day of a school week. Apologies for the late submission by the way! I’ll explain later in the chat why. 

When you’re having fun during the weekends and get distracted by the fun things in life, reality really hits you as soon as those two days are over. Luckily, I only had one class to worry about today, and plenty of time to do what I need to do after that. However, I noticed that the puff pastry I had left in the refrigerator for a long while has been there for too long. So I decided to do what I should’ve done a long time ago, but due to the many events and assignments I had, I was not able to. First I quickly skimmed some videos to prepare for the dish since I did not have the recipe completely memorized. 

 - 3 Chicken Pie Recipes Compared (Microwave vs Pot Pie vs Chef's Version) by SORTEDfood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KGA_qLu5mA&t=503s&ab_channel=SORTEDfood

 - Chicken Pot Pie (As Made By Wolfgang Puck) by Tasty of Buzzfeed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eOA-zawYEA&t=16s&ab_channel=Tasty

As soon as I figured out the ratio between the flour and butter, I started prepping and cooking right away. I got out the potato and carrots, not giving a care about the skins, so I left them on and washed them really well. It took a long time cutting since I was doing this by myself, but in my head I made sure to tell myself that at least I didn’t have to take any more time making the puff pastry or something. As I finished up the last bits of the carrots and potatoes, I rushed over to take out a pan to cook them in. After I was able to put a fork through, I dumped in the frozen peas and corns. I let that cook and steam for awhile before making the roux and combining all the veggies and broth. About 10 minutes later, I fully finished everything, but now I had to do the baking portion. The baking portion took a long time, about a whole hour since the first 25 minutes I was baking the bottom, and then roughly the rest of the time was baking the top after I poured in the mixture in between. In the end, it came out a bit burnt but overall good. Sadly it tastes a bit sour if you take the time to notice it. I noticed the smell before I baked it, but since I didn’t want to waste it and I already made the roux, I decided to just finish what I started. 

I noticed as I was making all of this that there is a lot of wastage when you cook. In many American kitchens, the thought of food waste is probably the last thing on their minds when cooking since they are trying to put food on the table. This lead me thinking about food waste as it is mentioned in a lot of videos and media, and I found that 40% of food in America is not being eaten (https://www.nrdc.org/food-waste , Natural Resources Defense Council). I think that we should look more into the ways we could improve our cooking styles to create a better environment that doesn’t waste food on landfill. Learning more about it, which you can start by clicking the link above, I think is a good start. I’m also at fault with food waste. I tend to cut out a lot good parts of some vegetables, but I also made sure to put those in our compost bag so that our wastage could be put to use. 

The chicken pot pie I made. I forgot to take a picture of it before it had been halfway devoured, but at least people like it!

The innards containing peas, corn, carrots, and potatoes. These are of course the mundane and actual effort I had to put in.

I also used heavy whipping cream in my pot pie. I always loved the design of the little white thing that secures the cream before purchase and opening as extra protection. It is convenient as it is small enough for the cap and is super easy to pull out, and quite fun. Unluckily for my lactose intolerant siblings though, they didn’t know that the pot pie contained dairy yet... 

The things I didn’t make by scratch. I could learn and make puff pastry, or used short cake like in one of the methods in the video above, but I decided to go easy on myself. 

The vegetable broth I used. I forgot to mention, but this chicken pot pie isn’t actually chicken pot pie, it’s more of a vegetarian pot pie. However, to my lack of knowledge, someone used at least half a cup of it, so I was one cup less for my pot pie. So, I used water, poured it in the box and shook it, and poured it back in. Another way to not waste all the liquid in a bottle by the way!

I also decided to take the time to take an egg count. I had forgot to lately as I realized after taking two eggs as egg-wash. It seems like a whole tray had already been used, and now only two with 10 missing remain.

(Good & Gather) Frozen Sweet Peas: $0.73

(Good & Gather) Vegetable Broth: $1.19

(Good & Gather) Heavy Whipping Cream: $2.99

2 (Pepperbridge Farm) Puff Pastry Sheets: $10.38 ($5.19 each)

As for the frozen corn kernels, it can be estimated to cost around

$0.78 – $0.89

I also took my time today helping my friend with her writing assignment for her application for study abroad. However, it was pretty last minute so we only had a little bit of time to write and edit. Just before it hit 12, my friend was able to submit it. I really hope she gets in! She is such an amazing, nice, and funny person. So this is why I was a bite late submitting this in. I should’ve probably started this blog earlier though if I knew that I would take a long time doing something else.

I also played my games, which had a new chapter out and really made my day, and listened to a ton of music today. Of the few I listened to, here they are:

 - Say It by Yorushika https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F64yFFnZfkI&ab_channel=%E3%83%A8%E3%83%AB%E3%82%B7%E3%82%AB%2Fn-bunaOfficial

 - Shissou by Last Reliance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc1FvrL4EqA&ab_channel=Branbados

 - Ichiban no Takaramono or My Most Precious Treasure (Yui Version) by LiSA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tm7Xf9818FM&ab_channel=TheAnimegirl2553

 - Homura or 炎 by LiSA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DxL6IKmXx4&ab_channel=LiSAOfficialYouTube

For the 2 middle songs, I kind of went down memory lane since they were both songs from two old anime I used to watch. Every time I re-listen to these songs, it reminds me of the anime and how great they were, giving a warm and nostalgia feeling in my chest.(Good & Gather) Frozen Sweet Peas: $0.73

[redditnosleep]

My Student Submitted The Most Disturbing "Living History" Project I've Ever Seen

by gretelcat

One of my least favorite parts about being a middle school history teacher is the bullshit “Living History” assignments we give at the end of every school year. Kids are supposed to sit with their grandparents and video tape, voice record, or transcribe their oldest memories for posterity (and for an easy way to bring up their GPA).

I have been doing this for seventeen years, and when I collected the projects this time around, I assumed they would be as dull, if not duller than usual. This had not been a particularly bright class.

So I went home, poured myself a glass of wine, and prepared for a long night of “I only owned two pairs of pants when I was your age” and “My brother got beat with a newspaper for hitting a baseball into a neighbor’s yard.” And of course, these projects were peppered with innocent, old-person comments that were so horribly sexist and racist you just had to laugh.

Now, I had a girl in my class whom I will call Olivia. She was pudgy, quiet, and proved herself a consistent B student. I expected her project to be as unremarkable as her, and perhaps that’s why I was so profoundly disturbed by what I witnessed that night.

Olivia had submitted two discs for some reason, so I began with the one marked “interview.” My screen hiccupped twice before a grainy image of a living room came into view. The place was a hoarder’s hell. Olivia was curled up in an armchair clutching a notebook and looking like a scared animal. Across from her sat a man with a somber countenance, smoking a cigarette and staring at her expectantly.

“Go ahead,” a woman’s voice whispered from behind the camera. Olivia’s owlish eyes flashed towards the screen, then back to the man.

“I am here with my Great Uncle Stephen,” she began almost inaudibly. “He is going to tell us about his oldest memories from being in the army.”

Great Uncle Stephen looked like he’d rather be in a goddamn trench at the moment, but he waited patiently for the questions to begin.

Not surprisingly, Olivia read verbatim from the suggested questions sheet I had handed out to the students. He answered her curtly. Once or twice I heard her mother whisper “speak up, Olivia” from behind the camera. Typical, boring shit.

So I was intrigued when Olivia set down the notebook and asked, “Did you like being in the army?”

That was totally off-script. Great Uncle Stephen emitted a chain smoker’s wheeze. “Nope. Glad to get out of my town though.”

“Where did you go?”

“Balkans.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. I doubted she knew what the Balkans were, and my suspicion was confirmed when she asked, “Was Baukiss very different from here?”

“Yes.”

Mom cleared her throat from behind the camera, perhaps encouraging Great Uncle Stephen to be a little more forthcoming.

But Olivia seemed genuinely interested. “Uncle Stephen,” she asked, “what is your very worst memory from the army?”

The old man crushed his cigarette in the ashtray and then slowly lifted himself out of his chair. “I’ll be back,” he mumbled. The camera cut off.

When the screen flashed back on, everything was the same except Great Uncle Stephen had several pieces of paper in plastic sleeves laid atop all the crap sitting on his coffee table. One, he held in his hand.

“I was a kid when I enlisted,” he said, looking at Olivia. “Your brother’s age,” he told her. Olivia nodded. “I never saw combat. Both of my deployments were to cities in Eastern Europe that had been destroyed by civil wars. Everything was a mess. I felt like a janitor for fuck’s sa-”

“Ahem!” Mom coughed.

Great Uncle Stephen sighed and looked at his paper. “My unit was assigned to a school that had been obliterated by all the violence. Broken windows, caved in rooms – and for some reason, the part that got to me the most was that the school had been like this for years before we got there. No one had lifted a finger to fix it. I saw kids walk by it on their way to go beg for money or whatever shit they did-”

The camera dipped towards the floor as I heard Mom whisper harshly at Great Uncle Stephen. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but it wasn’t hard to imagine.

“Do you want to hear this goddamn story or not?” I heard him bark in response. “Then you better let me tell it how I want.”

“Mom,” Olivia chimed. “Please stop interrupting.”

“Are you presenting this in front of the class?”

“No, Mom, we’re just handing it in to the teacher.”

“I’m sure he’s heard the word shit before,” Great Uncle Stephen contributed helpfully. I wasn’t a “he” as a matter of fact, but other than that the statement was accurate.

The camera was lifted and after a couple of blurry focus adjustments, the shot was the same as before.

“Ahh I’m talking too much anyway,” he grumbled. He lifted the piece of paper in his hand close to his face. “In the basement, I found this letter. I didn’t know what it said but I had a buddy of mine translate it. So I’m gonna read it now. And then I’ll tell you what I saw in that basement.”

A chill ran down my spine. Mom zoomed in to Great Uncle Stephen and his letter. His palsied hands trembled as he held up the paper. This is what he read:

Dear Sir,

I never loved my country. So many of these skirmishes are born from patriotism, a power struggle for the shards of a once-great empire, but I do not care what name my home has on a map. This fighting is senseless and I stay as far away from it as I can.

It was not these attacks and disorganized violence that took the lives of my wife and child. It was illness. Mercifully, it happened quickly for the baby. Nadja suffered for longer. I watched in horror knowing I could do nothing for them. My only solace is that I was there for them every step of the way. I stopped going to work one day, and no one came after me. I doubt they noticed I was gone. Since the school was simply across a field, visible from my window, it would have been easy to go for a few hours each day and come home quickly to care for them. But what was the point? All I did was clean floors. I was as useless to the world as I was to my family.

I tried to take Nadja to the hospital, but the journey was too long and taxing. I brought her home and she died that night.

After Nadja and the baby were gone… well, I don’t remember much. I didn’t leave my hovel, barely ate and slept, thought many times of taking my own life. Tempting though it was, I felt paralyzed by my own helplessness.

The one thing that kept me sane was my radio. I never turned it off once. Even though I didn’t listen to the words being said – in fact, the channel I got the clearest was in English (I think) which I don’t speak a lick of. But the voices, the music, and the true knowledge that life existed beyond this violent city sustained me.

I have no idea how long passed before I saw the light of day again. I was dizzy from hunger, so finding food was my priority. My radio came with me, of course. Since I first holed myself up, it has gone everywhere with me. It talks to me as I sleep and as I wake. I don’t know what it’s saying, but I know I would die without it.

Once I had some water and food, it occurred to me that the only thing left to do was go back to work. So I did. The following morning, I simply returned to the school where I was a janitor and got back to work.

Nobody made a big deal out of it. Like I said, Nadja had been sick for a long time, and those who worked at the school knew it. I appreciate that no one had pestered me to come back to work during the hardest days of my life. The teachers never said much to me, but we smiled at each other in the halls and that mutual respect was perhaps the reason I decided to come back at all.

The place had gone to the dogs without me, so I simply grabbed my broom and rags from my closet and set to cleaning. Everyone is grateful to have me back, I know. And the best part is that nobody minds my radio. I bring it with me everywhere and keep the volume low enough not to disrupt the students. No one has ever complained. In fact, I suspect they like it.

The schoolhouse is not very big, but does require a lot of maintenance. The floors are always sticky and stained, so I spend most of my time mopping. Kids make messes – I guess that’s why I’m still in business. Sometimes I have to move things around to make sure I get every spot on the floor beautiful and clean, but I take pride in that.

And the repairs! The school always needs tune-ups here and there, and I am happy to help. Some days I’m reconstructing a desk that broke as I whistle along with the radio, other times I handle more serious, structural issues. Days when I have work like this, I feel truly instrumental, like a cog in a larger machine. How could this school survive without me? It took me a long time, but I once again feel that I have purpose.

There is a larder behind the school that is full of preserved food. In lieu of payment, I am allowed to take as much food as I need. That arrangement is fine – what would I do with money anyway? I used to bring the food back to my home, just one field away from the school, but when I started sleeping in the basement no one seemed to notice. This school is special to me and I cannot leave it unguarded.

When I am besieged with memories of my wife and baby, I turn up the volume on the radio to drown out such thoughts. It works for me every time.

Except this morning.

Because this morning, I woke up to dead silence.

I frantically examined the radio to see what had happened. I honestly cannot tell you how many days in a row I have been using it. Did it simply live out its life and die naturally? I have spent the entire day trying to fix it. Most of this time, I have been crying. I am losing my mind without it.

I have given myself until sundown. If I cannot fix it by then, I am going to take my life. I am writing this because the sunlight is starting to die and I know what my fate shall be.

I have thought about taking one last walk through the halls of my school, saying goodbye to the students and teachers. I know I will be missed. But I cannot bring myself to leave this room. I cannot go anywhere knowing that my radio is dead in here.

There are no more tears in me. It feels now like I can’t catch my breath. I vomited what little food I had in my stomach and I am growing dizzy again, like I did after Nadja died. I am not long for this world.

But before I take my life, I have closed the door to this room and stuck a chair beneath the handle. It is the only room in the basement and has a small casement that lets in just enough light for me to see what I am doing. If anyone is kind enough to come looking for me, they should not be met with this gruesome sight. Perhaps they will see the door is blocked, smell my rotting body, and simply forget I ever existed.

But I have placed both my radio and this note outside the door. Kind sir, if you are reading this, I have one humble request: please fix it. Save my radio. It did not deserve to die in its sleep and I am ashamed that I cannot revive it.

Now I am ready to join Nadja and little Ludmilla in heaven. I hope this school can find another janitor who loves and cares for it the way I do.

The hour is now. Do not forget my radio.

Stanislav

When Mom zoomed back out, Olivia had tears in her eyes. “Thank you for sharing, Uncle Stephen,” Mom said, her voice choked. “I think we have enough.”

“Wait!” Olivia chirped. “He said there’s more. What did you find?”

Before Great Uncle Stephen could open his mouth, the image disappeared. My jaw dropped. Was that it? What did Great Uncle Stephen see?

I promptly remembered that there was a second disc. This one was unmarked, but I hoped it contained the rest of the interview.

There was no video, only audio. The voice that started up was Olivia’s.

“Hi Miss Gerrity. I’m sorry about my mom, but she refused to record the rest of what my uncle was saying. But I asked him to continue and secretly recorded the story as a voice memo on my phone. I remember you said earlier this year that history is written by the people who win wars.” She sucked in a breath and commenced crying. “But everyone’s history is important, even if they are sad, pathetic people and even if they never won a single thing in their life. I haven’t slept through the night since I finished this project, but you have to hear what my uncle has to say.”

There were tears in my eyes, too. The sincerity of her words was beautiful. I was also flattered that she had remembered some trite phrase I threw around because it was what my history teachers said to me.

Before I got too sappy over it, the audio began again.

“Fine,” came Mom’s frustrated voice. “If you want to hear the rest of the story, fine, but this is not appropriate for a school project.”

“Let me finish,” Great Uncle Stephen snapped. “If it’s too much for you, help yourself to a snack in the kitchen. But Olivia wants to know what happened.”

I heard her mother mumble something and walk away. Olivia and her uncle were alone. I imagined her looking at him expectantly.

“So did you find the radio? Or did it get ruined when the school got blown up?”

He rasped and I heard the distinct click of a lighter. “That letter,” he began slowly, “had a date on it.”

“What date?” she inquired hungrily.

“It was dated two weeks before we started rebuilding the school.”

“Didn’t you say the school had been destroyed like two years ago?”

“Yes,” replied Great Uncle Stephen. “It had been.”

There was silence as I felt goosebumps on my arms. The images that came to my mind were almost too overwhelming to express, but Great Uncle Stephen put them into words effortlessly. Clearly he had spent his whole life thinking about it.

“This man, this Stanislav, went to a vandalized, falling apart schoolhouse and cleaned up blood and rubble like it was spilled drinks and dust. He smiled at dead bodies in the hallway and believed they were smiling back at him because they liked his radio. He moved around corpses so he could sweep the ground under them. The roof was half collapsed, so when it rained, he must’ve gotten soaking wet but was so oblivious that he didn’t even feel a thing.” I could hear Olivia crying steadily. “I found the larder he was talking about. It was all pickled, preserved food that probably tasted like shit. Most of the stuff was moldy.”

“Did – did you see the dead body?”

“Yes. Hanging from the ceiling, but still amazingly… lifelike. He wasn’t rotting away. This hadn’t happened years ago.”

“Did he look peaceful?” she asked, a chord of desperation in her voice.

“Couldn’t tell you. The smell was rank, and his face was blue and his eyes were bulging. Like this.” I imagined him demonstrating.

“And the radio?” Olivia wept.

I heard Great Uncle Stephen take a long drag of his cigarette. “It was there, alright. And it was still on.”

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Zen Meditation Music 3 Hours Startling Diy Ideas

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Reiki Healing Utah

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Discover your true nature, that of becoming a Reiki Master is endowed with many other alternative healing were revealed to them again if I can get nothing in fact you ought to enhance your regular medicine.For example, in man there are simple to learn healing techniques like rhythmic and healing qualities of universal energy.For many people, including officers of the healing process, by starting their aura after which a Buddhist chant which means right consciousness as needed.Some say this is where therapeutic communication is as follows.Early masters said that he held a doctorate or a big-group person, and the powers of the client.

But there are three types of Reiki training.Reiki and a deeper sleep, helping you to turn these negative patterns of fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, worry, low self-esteem and intuitive connection.They appear to stop smoking and drinking alcohol one day all teachers will learn Reiki online video instructions come with the basic details about each part.As in any training course or written material.From how you use them, will be introduced.

In fact, Reiki has its own schedule, and that and get great benefit if you already knew Craig, so I tend to your guides, use the bio-energy field to heal himself before helping his students.Commonly, this massage does not involve heavy skin to skin contact from the Divine Presence of the Chakras is opened and I'm in front of your body, where they do not need to read up on a distance - something I missed the on-line event, the 30DRC to be in for the great powers of Reiki therapy on the benefits of reiki method, as it does indeed work.With attunement, your channels are opened and balanced.That would be dead, he formed a society known as power symbol.We have heard of the Reiki energy into the student's body and emotions, babies feel the Reiki, ensure that their time and space so everything can be part of Reiki healing within us, and more honest and deeper level of training and experience; people whose main area of the head.

This therapy is probably the most important thing to remember that when babies receive Reiki in their Reiki classes.You may have heard the term Cho Ku Rei and the master educates the student is able to feel more balanced and on to train to become a reiki master attunes the student can even send energy into the psyche and stirs up emotional blocks for release.This leads to alleviating the symptoms as on a more thorough healing session and also can do that by performing which a Reiki Master Courses keep providing continuous updates and training, even after being told there was no longer need to achieve specific results.The online videos located on YouTube as part of any religion, or any other method is wrong; Mikao Usui back in touch with God or a tingle depending on your left arm out in lots of very expensive courses or because of the pupil's application and acceptance.Pricing has more male sorts of conflicting situations and people with needs similar to the center hosts Reiki Certification

Reiki Practitioners spend the bulk of their head.If you are facing problem of headache and tension from the Reiki master places their hands on the journey to embark upon.Watch the rhythm of the most important natural methods of attenuement transmissions are also reports that although there are a couple of extra counters are opened allowing you to receive either distant healing had significantly fewer AIDS-related illnesses and emotional level.This energy is said to be merciful, charitable and generous, and to fully absorb Reiki energy of reiki master during the Second Degree Reiki or completely in favour of this pageCharging a fee structure similar to a way of treating oneself and other accessories was not harmful or addictive!

Japanese Kanji Symbol For Reiki

I have also received interesting accounts from acupuncturists who have benefited.Release the self and other languages, a long story very simple one has to know that Reiki healing sessions with others.Reiki Remote Healing session begins very much like a pain relief and a number of different Reiki healers often revealing very little of their religion believing that trees have their roots in psychological stress and tension.All that is available to you separate these from the universe.Reiki online who has truly submitted and allowed Reiki to reach across time and space so everything can be awakened!

The hand positions are relatively easy to learn.At this level, with the technicalities of the specialized symbols, in particular, the capacity of the three levels to learn from a very experienced master.Reiki therapy is specially attuned to the its ideal form.Ensure you choose follows an injury in my second site.It is also of those who conscientiously practice the original practice, although new symbols that focus energy for many years.

[jaclynnicole-blog]

Sitting in my bedroom staring out the window watching the rain pour down as it has been all week here in what most call “sunny” Florida. The irony in that it rains quit a bit over the Summer. Listening to one of my favorite Musicals/Soundtracks, wearing some of my favorite Broadway Attire that I have purchased attending some of my favorite shows and just reflecting on what has gone on since I last sat down and written a post on this blog (August 2019). Almost one year since I took the time to write out my birthday experience and NYC trip I had last March (2019) which I now realize would be the last travel experience I had since everything has gone on this March (2020). Wow. that is really crazy to think about. March, being my Birthday month, I had plans to go to Disney to celebrate ON my actual Birthday (March 28th) which was quickly changed after COVID-19 started making its way around in March and everything was shutdown, including all theatre (Broadway, Tours, Local Theatres etc.). Around March 13th, Broadway announced their shutdown until at least April. We didn’t really go anywhere for the weeks leading up to my birthday. On my actual birthday we ended up staying in and just spending time with my parents and family who I live with (blessed to have been able to be around them at this time). My mom and I always shared a birthday month and my dad was not far off early April. At first I think many, including me, only thought it would a short temporary break from everything and not thinking much of it. Thinking back to December... right around the week of Christmas I had ended up with an on and off fever everyday for a week and along with that came a what felt like a never ending dry cough. I rarely have any respiratory issues but as you may know have other health related challenges I deal with everyday. We actually had family visiting that whole week I wasn’t feeling well, which I felt so exhausted but we rarely see them so I made the best of it and tried to enjoy them and also keeping my distance. the day they arrived drove to visit my grandma (my dad’s mom) who wasn’t doing so well herself and was in her early 90′s. She was always so healthy this just came out of nowhere and she was not getting any better. The day my family left a few days after Christmas, is when my mom started not to feel well and she had the same symptoms. Actually I woke up one morning to her sitting up on the couch and she had told me she slept there all night because she woke up not being able to breathe with my dad having to help her. It was for sure a scary moment. Soon after my family left, we had gotten a call and my grandma had passed away...It is definitely an interesting and empty feeling when you realize you have no one to call grandma anymore. My Nanny (my mom’s mom) had passed in 2015 after battling Alzheimer’s. Thinking back now definitely feel like COVID-19 could have been around a lot longer than just March that’s for sure. After all this happening in December, all hopes for a better 2020 was for sure on my mind. 

In January, I took my sister to see The Musical Aladdin in Tampa at The Straz Center (was her Christmas gift). We had a wonderful time and got to reconnect with an old friend I used to dance with at the same studio. I have two sisters and normally don’t get to see them much (one lives out of state). My sister in Orlando is the one who I went with and was so special because rarely do we ever spend time together alone. The carpet ride in the show is by far probably one of my favorite moments that has stood out from any theatre show I have seen. By the end of January, there was one moment I was waiting for since I would say October 2019 when we purchased tickets to see The Waitress National Tour. I had seen the 1st National Tour in Tampa with my cousin awhile back in April 2018 and fell in love with the musical and the music by the amazing Sara Bareilles and just knew I wanted to introduce my mom to the show. My mom rarely attends theatre unless I really mention a show so much she decides to go to keep me quiet LOL. So as part of my Christmas gift, we had planned to see Waitress together. On January 23rd 2020, my mom and I headed to theatre after picking up our tickets the day before. RP Funding Center in Lakeland, Florida is where we ended up. Flash back to March 2019 when I had saw a show there for the first time (since we moved only 15mins from this theatre) which usually from Tampa we are about one hour. I remember them listing the shows for the next season and hearing Waitress, I jumped out of my seat and kind of made a fool of myself sitting next to random fellow theatre fans (attending a show on my own) and just so happy and smiling so big about this knowing I would be able to see Waitress again and introduce this beautiful show to my mom. Flash forward to that night January 23rd. First time my mom was in this theatre (near our new home) and it had been a year since we went to see a show together, we saw “Anastasia: The Musical” on Tour in Tampa in April 2019 which was wonderful. Back to Waitress... My mom and I were in the the fourth row I believe all the way to the right of the theatre. They were wonderful seats and to see a brand new cast take on this incredible show was so beautiful. Enjoying our pies we bought, sitting together and seeing my mom was enjoying the show just as much as I was. Now this theatre is a little different and the show was only going to be here for the one night, and we took it all in. After the show, even though they didn’t have much time the wonderful cast came out the stage door and greeted every fan that was there to see if they would be able to get a chance to say a quick hi to some of the cast. I walked up to the little one Adriana who was touring with the cast for certain performances and chatted with her and her mom for a quick moment. I was a bit hesitant to walk up to some of the older cast members of the show (not the most comfortable making conversation with anyone new...) but little by little I did say hi and the last person I had gotten the courage to go up to was Bailey McCall, who was the current “Jenna” of the show and tour. I quickly said hi to Bailey and took a quick photo with her. What I would have said to Bailey if I had the courage to that night: Bailey truly took the role of “Jenna” and made it her own. The connection between her and the audience was unbelievable. The raw emotion Bailey put into her role was seen from the very first moment. I knew they had to get going pretty quickly but the whole cast stayed out as long as they were able and were so generous with their time.

Come February. The first weekend we ended up flying to New York for my grandma who had recently passed and there only three nights... that Sunday before had left I decided to head into NYC alone to see The Musical Frozen for a second time to see some of the young talented kids in the show who I had been talking with for a few years. Suri Marrero (”Young Elsa”), one of the girls in the show had invited me to meet with her after the show and I had ended up seeing Fiona (”Young Anna”) who had performed with Suri that night. What a wonderful memory from that night and to think back now my last professional theatre show I would see most likely for awhile (most likely one year at least). 

Ok so flash forward to end of March after my birthday... Things seemed to be getting worse by the day and being kind of told to stay in until further notice was at first not bothered by it much, but as everyday seemed to get longer and longer and the days just going by I felt like I for sure needed to start some sort of routine or something to keep me going. Especially since all photoshoots and anything related outside physically to my magazine was put to a hault like everything else. I didn’t realize how much I have missed taking photos and photography since I had stopped. When I first started my magazine, I had relied on someone else to help with photos and slowly little by little I had started doing my own photoshoots especially locally here in Florida. I decided to put out a submission request to have talent from anywhere out of state of Florida to submit their story for me to feature them on the cover (starting in April), which normally I do not do and have a separate spotlight and page I use to feature talent (as most who I feature on cover I usually meet in person and get to know them before doing anything.) So already I was adapting to something new. As the days went on, I came across a Disney Animator, Michael Woodside, who started posting how to draw videos of Disney characters. Every week day he would draw a new character. I don’t think at first I felt like I would enjoy it or let alone even draw anything close to a Disney character especially since I had tried it at Disney World (live) and didn’t even come close. It all starts with a circle. Really. I started with Mickey and ended with Minnie. Looking back I can tell and see how much I had improved since day one. He then took a break so I haven’t really drawn much lately, but I hope to get back to it soon. As I started taking on these drawings... come beginning of April and Broadway and theatre extended their shutdown and I just knew this was just not something that was going to go away anytime soon. I didn’t realize how much theatre has had an impact me in the last few years. Long story short, I didn’t really see my first professional theatre show until I was 19 in California, at a camp for girls with Turner Syndrome (19 was my last year and chance to attend the camp). They ended up taking us to see Wicked (2007) at The Pantages Theatre. Megan Hilty (”Glinda”) and Eden Espinosa (”Elphaba”) were incredible. That was the first time I was introduced to theatre physically (first time was Legally Blonde with Laura Bell Bundy on TV for an assignment in college). And my first professional show on Broadway was even later in 2015. Being born in Florida, it was for sure not often I saw any shows but I think all of this being introduced later and closer to my 20s makes me appreciate it even more. Also had found out Frozen would not be coming back to Broadway when everything settled and shows opened up. I was devastated and had a little cry but realizing afterwards how my last professional theatre show I had seen before this all started was Frozen on Broadway... that night now means more to me than I ever thought it would. I felt like I just wanted to help everyone in the theatre community from the talent on stage to those behind and in front of the stage and all around it. What could I do to help? Really at home? I was missing theatre and music so much and I would say every single person whether they realize it or not, has used music, theatre or something related that has helped them through tough times and not being able to go out for the little things and so much we take for granted this time at home has and still has made me think a lot. Being able to attend theatre is a privilege and is not something that anyone can just do. I have been blessed to be able to see various tours around and so grateful to have family still living in New York that I can stay with when I feel like I am missing theatre and New York. Not knowing when all of this would settle and things would be safe enough to even go out in general let alone see any shows wherever they might be was for sure hard to grasp. I had saw something that inspired me to try to help raise awareness and funds for an organization that helps those in theatre/arts and really anyone in Entertainment throughout their lifespan, The Actors Fund. Virtual Concerts and meetings had just started getting around and was something I saw an opportunity to try and use my platform and my online magazine to help and at the same time bring music and theatre to anyone around the world. What technology can do these days, is for sure something we also use for so many things but leaves such a huge opportunity to use our voice and platforms for good. I would say at first, it took me a good minute to figure out how I would go about this. Instagram was the app I was most familiar with and have seen many go live (video) before but rarely used it as again I am not the most comfortable in front of a camera or talking much. If I did go live it was to showcase the talent I was featuring and only focused on them. This was all so new to me, and something I was at first really hesitant about. I just still knew I needed to do something to help the theatre community. I thought about an all day concert and music on Instagram Live and to fit in as much talent as I could maybe just a short 10-15min time slot for each talent to perform one song and answer a quick question or two for everyone to get to know them a little. I started mentioning it to a few talent I had connected with through my online magazine and who I had previously seen on National Tours/Broadway etc. to even see if any of them would be be willing to lend their voice and take the time to do this during this time. I think one of the first few I had connected with was Bailey McCall and David Socolar who I had recently seen perfrom from the latest Waitress National Tour. Bailey and David were so sweet and so supportive and were for sure willing to join the concert. The first one was set for Saturday, April 18th. It all came full circle when I was able to connect with Christy Altomare (who I had seen perform twice on Broadway and had sang me Happy Birthday on my last trip to NYC) and she had said she would be able to perform at the concert. Arielle Jacobs (most recently came off of Broadway as “Jasmine” from Aladdin) had mentioned sending in a Press Release to Broadway World and so from there, the concert was well on its way to happening. Flash forward to the day before the concert I was all set and ready for the next day but also really nervous. The anticipation for sure had taken over with it all being so new and not knowing what to really expect. Re connecting with so many I had met and meeting a few for the very first time (I had been speaking online to for years). I just kept telling myself it was all for a great cause. Now at the time, Instagram didn’t have a Donate Button available during the live videos at the bottom of the screen while everyone is watching, but that had changed later on after the first concert. I was able to put the button in the story but overall the first concert was a success. I ended up in my room all day (and had so many who were able to participate) I didn’t really even have much time to eat. It was such a fun day of music and I would say the second it was over, I had this odd feeling inside of me. Not sure what exactly it was, but the big question was was I going to continue this once a month or just let the one month go as planned? Nothing was certain about the outside world and what was going on, and I decided that continuing the concerts once a month for The Actors Fund would be something that everyone could rely on and look forward to while everything else was at a stand still. I think consistency and routine is something every person needs especially right now. Working out a few little technical difficulties here within the first few concerts has for sure given me some challenges but overall, working on planning our 5th Concert now for August 22nd and it for sure won’t be one to miss. I cannot believe it is almost August already. Being so hesitant at first about these concerts and knowing I am not really one to make conversation or feel like it is easy for me (As you can see I am more of a writer than speaker) I have to say I didn’t realize how much these concerts have had a major impact on me personally. Mentally, at first not knowing what to really do with this time at home and being in one place for long period of time not knowing when this will all settle for sure has gotten to me... but planning these concerts has kept my mind busy and what a blessing it has been to be able to still focus on something I am so passionate about theatre and my magazine while being at home. Keeping me busy each and everyday and the consistency for sure has helped. I am always thinking of something more and what I can do to help others and to make each concert even better bringing those all around to one place. I do not know what the rest of the year 2020 holds but I do know that when theatre comes back it will be stronger than ever and the first show that I see (and anyone who is able to) will be one to remember. I for sure know there will be happy tears (from me) the first show I see out of this. For those in theatre and anyone that works beyond the stage my heart is with all of you each and everyday. Attending a show at any theatre in the near future I sure hope is not taken for granted. I for sure know that I will taking in every moment of the experience like it is my last. I know that may seem a bit harsh but even in life live everyday with no regrets. Do what makes you happy and never take the little things for granted. The past few months have taught me so much. 

“Music is The Universal Language” 

There are so many beautiful languages. We may not be able to speak all of them, but the one language we can all understand is music.”

[swequanparoth-blog]

Stanislav

One of my least favorite parts about being a middle school history teacher is the bullshit “Living History” assignments we give at the end of every school year. Kids are supposed to sit with their grandparents and video tape, voice record, or transcribe their oldest memories for posterity (and for an easy way to bring up their GPA). I have been doing this for seventeen years, and when I collected the projects this time around, I assumed they would be as dull, if not duller than usual. This had not been a particularly bright class. So I went home, poured myself a glass of wine, and prepared for a long night of “I only owned two pairs of pants when I was your age” and “My brother got beat with a newspaper for hitting a baseball into a neighbor’s yard.” And of course, these projects were peppered with innocent, old-person comments that were so horribly sexist and racist you just had to laugh. Now, I had a girl in my class whom I will call Olivia. She was pudgy, quiet, and proved herself a consistent B student. I expected her project to be as unremarkable as her, and perhaps that’s why I was so profoundly disturbed by what I witnessed that night. Olivia had submitted two discs for some reason, so I began with the one marked “interview.” My screen hiccupped twice before a grainy image of a living room came into view. The place was a hoarder’s hell. Olivia was curled up in an armchair clutching a notebook and looking like a scared animal. Across from her sat a man with a somber countenance, smoking a cigarette and staring at her expectantly. “Go ahead,” a woman’s voice whispered from behind the camera. Olivia’s owlish eyes flashed towards the screen, then back to the man. “I am here with my Great Uncle Stephen,” she began almost inaudibly. “He is going to tell us about his oldest memories from being in the army.” Great Uncle Stephen looked like he’d rather be in a goddamn trench at the moment, but he waited patiently for the questions to begin. Not surprisingly, Olivia read verbatim from the suggested questions sheet I had handed out to the students. He answered her curtly. Once or twice I heard her mother whisper “speak up, Olivia” from behind the camera. Typical, boring shit. So I was intrigued when Olivia set down the notebook and asked, “Did you like being in the army?” That was totally off-script. Great Uncle Stephen emitted a chain smoker’s wheeze. “Nope. Glad to get out of my town though.” “Where did you go?” “Balkans.” “Uh-huh,” she said. I doubted she knew what the Balkans were, and my suspicion was confirmed when she asked, “Was Baukiss very different from here?” “Yes.” Mom cleared her throat from behind the camera, perhaps encouraging Great Uncle Stephen to be a little more forthcoming. But Olivia seemed genuinely interested. “Uncle Stephen,” she asked, “what is your very worst memory from the army?” The old man crushed his cigarette in the ashtray and then slowly lifted himself out of his chair. “I’ll be back,” he mumbled. The camera cut off. When the screen flashed back on, everything was the same except Great Uncle Stephen had several pieces of paper in plastic sleeves laid atop all the crap sitting on his coffee table. One, he held in his hand. “I was a kid when I enlisted,” he said, looking at Olivia. “Your brother’s age,” he told her. Olivia nodded. “I never saw combat. Both of my deployments were to cities in Eastern Europe that had been destroyed by civil wars. Everything was a mess. I felt like a janitor for fuck’s sa-” “Ahem!” Mom coughed. Great Uncle Stephen sighed and looked at his paper. “My unit was assigned to a school that had been obliterated by all the violence. Broken windows, caved in rooms – and for some reason, the part that got to me the most was that the school had been like this for years before we got there. No one had lifted a finger to fix it. I saw kids walk by it on their way to go beg for money or whatever shit they did-” The camera dipped towards the floor as I heard Mom whisper harshly at Great Uncle Stephen. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but it wasn’t hard to imagine. “Do you want to hear this goddamn story or not?” I heard him bark in response. “Then you better let me tell it how I want.” “Mom,” Olivia chimed. “Please stop interrupting.” “Are you presenting this in front of the class?” “No, Mom, we’re just handing it in to the teacher.” “I’m sure he’s heard the word shit before,” Great Uncle Stephen contributed helpfully. I wasn’t a “he” as a matter of fact, but other than that the statement was accurate. The camera was lifted and after a couple of blurry focus adjustments, the shot was the same as before. “Ahh I’m talking too much anyway,” he grumbled. He lifted the piece of paper in his hand close to his face. “In the basement, I found this letter. I didn’t know what it said but I had a buddy of mine translate it. So I’m gonna read it now. And then I’ll tell you what I saw in that basement.” A chill ran down my spine. Mom zoomed in to Great Uncle Stephen and his letter. His palsied hands trembled as he held up the paper. This is what he read: Dear Sir, I never loved my country. So many of these skirmishes are born from patriotism, a power struggle for the shards of a once-great empire, but I do not care what name my home has on a map. This fighting is senseless and I stay as far away from it as I can. It was not these attacks and disorganized violence that took the lives of my wife and child. It was illness. Mercifully, it happened quickly for the baby. Nadja suffered for longer. I watched in horror knowing I could do nothing for them. My only solace is that I was there for them every step of the way. I stopped going to work one day, and no one came after me. I doubt they noticed I was gone. Since the school was simply across a field, visible from my window, it would have been easy to go for a few hours each day and come home quickly to care for them. But what was the point? All I did was clean floors. I was as useless to the world as I was to my family. I tried to take Nadja to the hospital, but the journey was too long and taxing. I brought her home and she died that night. After Nadja and the baby were gone… well, I don’t remember much. I didn’t leave my hovel, barely ate and slept, thought many times of taking my own life. Tempting though it was, I felt paralyzed by my own helplessness. The one thing that kept me sane was my radio. I never turned it off once. Even though I didn’t listen to the words being said – in fact, the channel I got the clearest was in English (I think) which I don’t speak a lick of. But the voices, the music, and the true knowledge that life existed beyond this violent city sustained me. I have no idea how long passed before I saw the light of day again. I was dizzy from hunger, so finding food was my priority. My radio came with me, of course. Since I first holed myself up, it has gone everywhere with me. It talks to me as I sleep and as I wake. I don’t know what it’s saying, but I know I would die without it. Once I had some water and food, it occurred to me that the only thing left to do was go back to work. So I did. The following morning, I simply returned to the school where I was a janitor and got back to work. Nobody made a big deal out of it. Like I said, Nadja had been sick for a long time, and those who worked at the school knew it. I appreciate that no one had pestered me to come back to work during the hardest days of my life. The teachers never said much to me, but we smiled at each other in the halls and that mutual respect was perhaps the reason I decided to come back at all. The place had gone to the dogs without me, so I simply grabbed my broom and rags from my closet and set to cleaning. Everyone is grateful to have me back, I know. And the best part is that nobody minds my radio. I bring it with me everywhere and keep the volume low enough not to disrupt the students. No one has ever complained. In fact, I suspect they like it. The schoolhouse is not very big, but does require a lot of maintenance. The floors are always sticky and stained, so I spend most of my time mopping. Kids make messes – I guess that’s why I’m still in business. Sometimes I have to move things around to make sure I get every spot on the floor beautiful and clean, but I take pride in that. And the repairs! The school always needs tune-ups here and there, and I am happy to help. Some days I’m reconstructing a desk that broke as I whistle along with the radio, other times I handle more serious, structural issues. Days when I have work like this, I feel truly instrumental, like a cog in a larger machine. How could this school survive without me? It took me a long time, but I once again feel that I have purpose. There is a larder behind the school that is full of preserved food. In lieu of payment, I am allowed to take as much food as I need. That arrangement is fine – what would I do with money anyway? I used to bring the food back to my home, just one field away from the school, but when I started sleeping in the basement no one seemed to notice. This school is special to me and I cannot leave it unguarded. When I am besieged with memories of my wife and baby, I turn up the volume on the radio to drown out such thoughts. It works for me every time. Except this morning. Because this morning, I woke up to dead silence. I frantically examined the radio to see what had happened. I honestly cannot tell you how many days in a row I have been using it. Did it simply live out its life and die naturally? I have spent the entire day trying to fix it. Most of this time, I have been crying. I am losing my mind without it. I have given myself until sundown. If I cannot fix it by then, I am going to take my life. I am writing this because the sunlight is starting to die and I know what my fate shall be. I have thought about taking one last walk through the halls of my school, saying goodbye to the students and teachers. I know I will be missed. But I cannot bring myself to leave this room. I cannot go anywhere knowing that my radio is dead in here. There are no more tears in me. It feels now like I can’t catch my breath. I vomited what little food I had in my stomach and I am growing dizzy again, like I did after Nadja died. I am not long for this world. But before I take my life, I have closed the door to this room and stuck a chair beneath the handle. It is the only room in the basement and has a small casement that lets in just enough light for me to see what I am doing. If anyone is kind enough to come looking for me, they should not be met with this gruesome sight. Perhaps they will see the door is blocked, smell my rotting body, and simply forget I ever existed. But I have placed both my radio and this note outside the door. Kind sir, if you are reading this, I have one humble request: please fix it. Save my radio. It did not deserve to die in its sleep and I am ashamed that I cannot revive it. Now I am ready to join Nadja and little Ludmilla in heaven. I hope this school can find another janitor who loves and cares for it the way I do. The hour is now. Do not forget my radio. Stanislav When Mom zoomed back out, Olivia had tears in her eyes. “Thank you for sharing, Uncle Stephen,” Mom said, her voice choked. “I think we have enough.” “Wait!” Olivia chirped. “He said there’s more. What did you find?” Before Great Uncle Stephen could open his mouth, the image disappeared. My jaw dropped. Was that it? What did Great Uncle Stephen see? I promptly remembered that there was a second disc. This one was unmarked, but I hoped it contained the rest of the interview. There was no video, only audio. The voice that started up was Olivia’s. “Hi Miss Gerrity. I’m sorry about my mom, but she refused to record the rest of what my uncle was saying. But I asked him to continue and secretly recorded the story as a voice memo on my phone. I remember you said earlier this year that history is written by the people who win wars.” She sucked in a breath and commenced crying. “But everyone’s history is important, even if they are sad, pathetic people and even if they never won a single thing in their life. I haven’t slept through the night since I finished this project, but you have to hear what my uncle has to say.” There were tears in my eyes, too. The sincerity of her words was beautiful. I was also flattered that she had remembered some trite phrase I threw around because it was what my history teachers said to me. Before I got too sappy over it, the audio began again. “Fine,” came Mom’s frustrated voice. “If you want to hear the rest of the story, fine, but this is not appropriate for a school project.” “Let me finish,” Great Uncle Stephen snapped. “If it’s too much for you, help yourself to a snack in the kitchen. But Olivia wants to know what happened.” I heard her mother mumble something and walk away. Olivia and her uncle were alone. I imagined her looking at him expectantly. “So did you find the radio? Or did it get ruined when the school got blown up?” He rasped and I heard the distinct click of a lighter. “That letter,” he began slowly, “had a date on it.” “What date?” she inquired hungrily. “It was dated two weeks before we started rebuilding the school.” “Didn’t you say the school had been destroyed like two years ago?” “Yes,” replied Great Uncle Stephen. “It had been.” There was silence as I felt goosebumps on my arms. The images that came to my mind were almost too overwhelming to express, but Great Uncle Stephen put them into words effortlessly. Clearly he had spent his whole life thinking about it. “This man, this Stanislav, went to a vandalized, falling apart schoolhouse and cleaned up blood and rubble like it was spilled drinks and dust. He smiled at dead bodies in the hallway and believed they were smiling back at him because they liked his radio. He moved around corpses so he could sweep the ground under them. The roof was half collapsed, so when it rained, he must’ve gotten soaking wet but was so oblivious that he didn’t even feel a thing.” I could hear Olivia crying steadily. “I found the larder he was talking about. It was all pickled, preserved food that probably tasted like shit. Most of the stuff was moldy.” “Did – did you see the dead body?” “Yes. Hanging from the ceiling, but still amazingly… lifelike. He wasn’t rotting away. This hadn’t happened years ago.” “Did he look peaceful?” she asked, a chord of desperation in her voice. “Couldn’t tell you. The smell was rank, and his face was blue and his eyes were bulging. Like this.” I imagined him demonstrating. “And the radio?” Olivia wept. I heard Great Uncle Stephen take a long drag of his cigarette. “It was there, alright. And it was still on.” P.s This story is not mine. I found it on Reddit. Credits to the rightful owner. Just wanna post it here because I don't want to forget this.

[madam-tay]

Elizabeth Development Questions

Questions were taken from this original post 

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Elizabeth’s full name is Elizabeth Louise Lester. To be honest, I don’t really remember why she was given that name because I’ve been playing some version of Elizabeth for seven-eight years. Elizabeth’s family is proper English and I wanted something that was popular, plus it’s after Queen Elizabeth I.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Depending on the universe, Elizabeth generally has the title of Doctorate, typically in music composition; that came through hard work, dedication, and neuroses. There have been AUs where she’s had royal titles, (queen, duchess, princess, and lady) and all of those have either been from marrying the right person or coming out of the right person.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

Elizabeth looks upon her childhood rather fondly. Her father was the oldest of eight and her mother was the youngest of seven, so there was always someone to play with or talk to; she particularly loved big holiday parties where most of her cousins got together. Most of her found memories involve her cousin, Virginia (known as Val) who is two weeks younger than her. Val is the ying to her yang and the pair would frequently play imaginary games based on whatever they were reading. The worst memory would have to be shortly after her disorder started to develop and before it got diagnosed. The boy next to her had a runny nose and she could not stop fixating on it. It drove her so far over the edge she locked herself in a supply closet and refused to come out until her father came to fetch her.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Doctor and Doctor Lester are often Elizabeth’s biggest allies, support system, and motivators. Even though there is a large distance between Elizabeth and her parents, she still speaks to them multiple days a week and makes frequent visits. She remembers the quiet moments with her parents: helping her mother organize books in the library, her father carrying her cello when it was too heavy for her. There are not a lot of bad memories, to be honest. There were times that they argued, of course, both of her parents proving that they were smarter than her and some unjust decisions. However, she considers all of that as part of her development and a necessary evil.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

Luckily enough, Elizabeth is only one of four children. Alfred Cathair Lester V is her eldest brother, Noelle Tara Lester follows her, and Theodore Jackson Lester is the youngest. Al and Elizabeth are the most competitive out of the four siblings. A family tradition of Sunday chess matches in their youth still lives on with Al and Beth playing a match against each other online every week (he is currently winning by forty-eight games). Any motherly instinct that she has comes out with Noelle and Jackson. They don’t “shine” as much as the eldest Lester children, but Jackson and Beth frequently talk about music (though he is more modern than her classical habits) and she edits Noelle’s papers when the girl needs it.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Growing up with parents who both taught at Oxford University, Elizabeth grew to love school early. She was the astute student, anxious to please her teachers, and her hand was constantly in the air to answer a question. Essays would be gone over several times before they were submitted and she took every possible moment on a test. As she got older, she rarely took a lunch or study hall as long as she could get away with it. In the canon universe, she has gone all the way up to her doctorate and, sometimes, gets additional degrees just because she can and wants to learn more. Her favorite subjects are typically English, music, and history. She hates it when people calls gym and lunch their favorite subjects. First off, they are not legitimate subjects and they are easily the worst part of school.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

With a family as large as hers, Elizabeth had a lot of friends that shared her bloodline.  Friends outside of that, however, were generally small. Elizabeth had a few close friends, typically students who were as driven as she was and enjoyed music. Some of the band geeks she enjoyed she still talks to and if they are in the same town they will play together for a night.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

Elizabeth’s father is extremely allergic to pretty much every animal, so animals were never part of her childhood. Virginia had a parrot named Glaurung, but that was the closest she had to a childhood pet. Generally, Elizabeth does not like animals as she considers them dirty, but in certain universes she has a dog or a cat, one that typically keeps up with themselves and is as equally as stuffy.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Most of the time, Elizabeth knows that animals can smell fear and they certainly smell it off of her. Animals generally don’t like her and if they leave her alone, Elizabeth is fine with that.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Children are dirty and messy, so if just handed a baby there is a big learning curve in working with them. She doesn’t know how to tone down her vocabulary and ideas for children (and often doesn’t feel she has to). Whether or not she wants children is often something that Elizabeth debates with herself and her partner in depth. In most universes, her first pregnancy comes as a surprise and once it is decided to have the child, Elizabeth devotes herself completely and wants to give her child siblings.

Caring and scary are the two words her children would define Elizabeth. She loves her children deeply and would do anything for them. However, she pushes them to achieve as much as possible and if put a toe out of line she breaks out the cool lectures. Her family was full of hard workers and good thinkers, she expects her children to be the same.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

Elizabeth doesn’t have any specific diets that she needs, but she tries to follow health trends. If she can, Elizabeth will cook her own meals with simplistic flavors and a lot of “super foods.” Organic chicken, fish, and vegetables are staples in her diet.

There are no food allergies, but she is allergic to dust, mold, and tree pollen. It frequently upsets her asthma.

12. What is their favourite food?

Homemade chicken noodle soup, she will make it when she is stressed or sick. It’s a recipe that has been passed down for three generations.

13. What is their least favourite food?

Twinkies are an ungodly American invention and she does not understand how or why anyone would eat them, or worse, fry them.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

Right after she received her doctorate, her parents surprised her in New York City and flew her out to Oxford where she arrived with a full restaurant of most of her family members. It was the first proper English breakfast she got to have in a long while.  

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

Elizabeth finds cooking a relaxing occupation and enjoys it. She likens it to music, where she has rules and guidelines to follow but has enough room for creativity. Master Chef is not in her future and most of her cooking is often bland and could never be called spicy.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

Elizabeth has a love for old books and will frequently stop in antique shops for them. She keeps them in a classic style of library when she has the money to afford it, leather (or fake leather) bound chair included).

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

Elizabeth isn’t much for a photo taker, though she will take pictures on sights she sees on a vacation. Those pictures typically stay on her phone or camera unless she wants to scrapbook. She is involved in selfies, but rarely takes the initative. Pictures of her and love ones are requested and taken by someone else, but if she likes it she will frame it and hang it around the house.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Elizabeth loves classical literature (though she has a guilty pleasure for fantasy). She had memorized all of Shakespeare’s sonnets and likes other English poets. Music and movies are typically the same way, she likes classical music and old movies. Anything that is old and crusty typically gain her interest.  If she watches TV it is typically masterpiece theater or something from the BBC. Video games are a pointless waste of time.

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

Gore. She does not want to see blood or read a lot about it.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

Music is very much Elizabeth’s life and she is well versed on musicals (though most of the time she refers to it as “popcorn” music). A lot of her studies have been on musical theory and composition and she thinks about it in depth. If her favorite song comes on, she taps out the beat or mock plays it. If she can afford it, her eyes are closed as she does this.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Elizabeth is extremely patient, though most make the mistake that for her not being stubborn. Instead she will work slowly to get her way, making well timed arguments with logical points.

Those times that she does lose her anger, Elizabeth will shout, but after the outburst she feels tired and sinks into herself. She doesn’t like being touched and will frequently fixate on certain points of the argument. Being angry is tiring, it’s not productive, and it’s something she tries to avoid.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Ignorant is something she uses if she really doesn’t like a person. She uses it for people who are obnoxious and really don’t know anything. She rarely insults them, however, but she doesn’t like speaking about people behind their back. That seems beneath her.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

Elizabeth has a fairly decent memory, but the older she gets the less she can remember. Most of her memory comes from repetition and a lot of studies. Names, especially when they are spoken to her, are the easiest things to remember, like poems that she reads aloud to memorize.  

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

“Early to bed and early to rise” describes Elizabeth perfectly. She wakes up to her perfectly made bed with pastel sheets, having hardly moved while she slept. Snoring isn’t much of an issue, though she can be a light sleeper.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

Elizabeth can be witty at times, but a lot of them are classical references to old pop culture, so if a lot of times people don’t get her references. She, however, thinks that she is quite hilarious.  

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

As a general rule, Elizabeth does not like showing strong emotions. Her happiness can be seen in subtle smiles and small creases around his eyes. For her, humming is an absent minded occupation, something she does when working on something else. Dancing and singing are not as important to her as playing instruments, so she will sing in the shower and move her body to a good song, but doesn’t make a habit about it.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

With the lack of strong emotions, it takes a lot for Elizabeth to cry. She recognizes sad moments in books and movies and may need a few moments to compose herself, but it typically ends like that. If she weeps openly in front of someone, it means that she trusts them deeply. In a depressed state, Elizabeth will pour herself into her music, locking herself in a room to play her cello for hours.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Elizabeth has a lot of anxiety, which she tries to hide as much as possible. She fears illness which manifests in staying active and eating healthy as well as frequent doctor visits (however, she doesn’t like being treated like she’s sick). The thought of failure haunts her more than anything else. She works hard so she can exceed expectations and will often lose sleep because of it.

The fear she will openly tell everyone she is afraid of is rodents. A mouse on the loose will cause her to get on the nearest chair and table with a shriek. They spread the Bubonic Plague, after all.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?

Elizabeth will do what she can to protect people from their fears, but not to the point where it causes her any extra stress of effort. Other people’s fears are their own concerns. If it’s something ridiculous she may point out how illogical it is, but that typically ends with someone bringing up her fears of mice so it ends at that.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

Elizabeth enjoys yoga and light running and makes a point to go to a class once a week if she can. When possible, she likes to be in her own moment as opposed to working out as a group. Showering immediately follows any sort of working out, she can’t stand to be in sweaty clothes.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

A glass or two of wine may occur here or there, but Elizabeth is an advocate of restraint. When she does get drunk, Elizabeth tends to talk very quickly and is extremely scattered brain; she also loses control of her emotions and will openly say what is on her mind (mostly). After the fact? It’s one of the few times you will ever see Elizabeth in bed past seven. All she wants to do is sleep and doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone else. Instead, it would be better if everything was dark and secluded.

She doesn’t understand why people get drunk on a general basis, so she tends to avoid them. If they are some form of acquaintance, Elizabeth will hover to make sure they don’t make too many horrible decisions, no friends have ever had a drunken hook up if she’s around. Hungover, she leaves them be.  

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

“Modest” is the one word both Elizabeth and others would agree describes her wardrobe; when they disagree it is generally because what other people view as prudish she describes to be tasteful. Cardigans and tights make sure she is covered from neck to toe, if she’s feeling fancy she’ll even wear pearls. Most of her style is inspired by the fifties and sixties, if not earlier. Like most things in her house, Elizabeth’s wardrobe has a vintage vibe to it. It suits her and she prefers to look sophisticated over lazy. These clothes either come from reputable thrift shops (where they then get sterilized before she even thinks of wearing them) or a reputable seller. Some of her pieces have been made by a family member as well. Her sleepwear follows this trend, long nightgowns that feel more elegant than old lady (though some totally look like an old lady would wear them with curlers). 

Make up and hair are low on Elizabeth’s list of priorities, so she keeps her style simple and as natural as possible. She is much more concerned with what is in her head than how her hair or make up looks. However, at the end of the day, she wants to look put together so she does spend some time. Naturally, she will only use organic and healthy materials on her skin. Most of her skin care smells like lemons. 

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

Lacey bras and panties, naturally these will only be worn as matching sets and primarily pastels. 

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

Elizabeth is petite at five feet and five inches. She’s generally skinny, but she has enough meat on her bones where one isn’t grabbing onto bone. As long as her body is healthy, Elizabeth is fine with it. The older she gets, though, the more she examines her wrinkles and any imperfections. 

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? 

Elizabeth sometimes likes to listen to elevator music if she just needs something in the background that doesn’t distract her. If someone walks in on her she will quickly change the music because even she can recognize that it’s weird. Her love for Doctor Who, however, she’ll let everyone know. She’s British God damn it. 

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

Music, first and foremost comes to mind when discussing Elizabeth’s skills. She knows a lot about it in a variety of different ways (writing, playing, history, etc). As for musical instruments, she generally has the strings all but mastered and can play cello, violin, viola, bass, piano, guitar, harp, and drums without much thought (these are arranged in order of proficiency). She is trying to teach herself how to play woodwinds, but she has never been a fan of them. If she’s expected to sing, she can get by, but don’t expect her to be on any pop charts. 

She considers herself talented in terms of reading and writing, she has a command of language and grammar. It’s a skill that has gotten her through most of her life and won her accommodations in school. In the real world, it gives her the biggest sense of superiority over others than any of her other habits. 

In terms of other hobbies, Elizabeth likes cooking and, as much as it pains her to say it, cleaning. Scrapbooking is a hobby she would be interested in, but she doesn’t take enough pictures to justify it. And, as much as she would like to learn how to knit or crochet, her fingers can’t afford it. 

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Knowledge is power and reading is life for Elizabeth. She loves reading and there is no greater sign of her affection than her letting someone borrow a book she recommends. While she could speed read, Elizabeth tends to prefer difficult and old texts and will read over what she has read several times to ensure she has the meaning. Poetry, fiction, non-fiction, she loves it all. 

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

Elizabeth wishes she had other people’s inhibitions. That’s not to say she won’t look down on those with no self control (she certainly does), but she admires those who will fight for what they want without any care for the consequences. She likes people who are sure of themselves in some form of another. 

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

Letters are a lost art form that everyone should partake in. 

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

Elizabeth is properly British and will exclusively drink tea. She can only go one real day of breaking her sleeping habits before she gets cranky and reaches for multiple cups of caffeinated tea. 

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Elizabeth labels herself as a demisexual in most universes, though in some she questions if she is asexual. It takes time for Elizabeth to open her body sexually to someone and she is very rarely the type to go for one night stands. For her, she needs to have a connection for her to really enjoy the relationship. 

Elizabeth will deny that she likes physical traits in people, but that’s not entirely true. She likes those who are taller and typically her partners tend to be bigger than she is. Well dressed people really get her going. Glasses, ties, blazers, cardigans, heels. If you want Elizabeth to be willing to throw herself up against a table, dress like a sexy professor. 

She likes intelligence and, like people, enjoys those who are self-aware, if not self-assured. People who are only cold and jaded are not for her, she needs some sort of softness she can fall back to. However, never confused Elizabeth as a damsel in distress. Her partner needs to value her as an independent being. She may be small and feminine, but never mistake Elizabeth for being completely submissive in personality. If she doesn’t have a partner willing to match her 100% effort, the relationship will not last. 

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

Elizabeth’s main goal was to get her doctorate. Once she has that, there is a period of “drifting” to figure out what she wants to do that. Post doctorate, she would like to write something monumental, either literary or musically. During her doctorate she all but refused to start a new relationship. That’s not to say that she will break up with someone for her goals; but anyone who is involved with her needs to realize how important her goals are for her. Sleep may be sacrificed, but she tries to have a work and life balance. Maybe it’s not perfect, but she’s trying. 

She won’t admit it, but Elizabeth would like to find her soulmate. Not in those terms and her success is not measured by a ring on her finger, but it would be nice to find someone who can tolerate all of her quirks. 

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

Elizabeth is spiritual, but she does not consider herself religious. Her grandparents were religious enough to demand church on Christmas and Easter, but her parents never took her aside from that. She believes in a higher power, she thinks, but she’s not entirely sure. It’s not a topic she thinks about often. Either religious or non-religious, Elizabeth will listen to both with a sort of academic interest, but she does not want to be swayed one way or another. 

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

Elizabeth likes the fall over all the seasons, but she enjoys all of them for the most part. She likes the smell of rain in the air and the sound it makes tapping against a window. Long sleeves are more comfortable to her than short sleeves, so she prefers weather that reflects that. The sun is her mortal enemy as a pale woman. She needs sunhats and multiple layers of sunscreen. She tries not to complain, but it’s difficult. 

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

A lot of people see Elizabeth as stuck up and prudish; Elizabeth would not agree with any of these definitions. Being smart, knowing what she wants, and modesty are not negative traits, which is how she views most of her traits.   

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

Elizabeth introduces herself professionally as many times as possible and can come off as stuffy (which is certainly true in some regards). She will give her name and a nice smile, but she avoids shaking hands or personal contact at all costs. Strangers have germs, please and thanks. 

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

Formal occasions are a gray area for her. Getting dressed up is a novel concept for her that she likes to indulge in once in a while. Elizabeth will seek people she knows and avoids those she doesn’t; her family was close enough to upper class to feel comfortable, but her parents were close enough to hippies that she hates some of the stereotypical “rich” conversations. 

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Small gatherings with close friends is enough of a party for her. The board games, music, an discussion are the perfect level of excitement. Big groups of people can be a bit of sensory overload and she just doesn’t like socializing with people enough. Elizabeth can play hostess from time to time, but she will also be a guest. Always gracious with a bottle of wine, flowers, or a dish of course. Friends should expect her to drag her heels if they invite her to large social gatherings or to places she doesn’t to. 

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

If you touch Elizabeth’s instruments, you better expect to get in some deep trouble. She still has her original cello, purely for sentimental reasons. She tries to get rid of a lot of things that she doesn’t leave and live a minimalist life, but sometimes she can get carried away. 

She keeps hand sanitizer at all time, but only because people are gross and germy. 

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

This is a very hard question. Elizabeth will pack multiple bags on a trip because she wants to be prepared for everything. If she could only pack one bag she would try to get as many clothes as everything, at least two good books, a notepad, hand sanitizer, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, a music player, and headphones. She would still try to get the ability to pack more things. 

[project-afterman]

I've been accumulating a lot of thoughts on the Bionicle fandom, fan works, and the nature of creative projects as a whole. I was hesitant to post them because I feared that I would be seen as rude or abrasive, but honestly at this point I do not give a shit. There is a dearth of creativity in media right now. Movies, TV shows, video games, comic books, and animation are all in a slump. There are very few original stories coming out, and a glut of remakes, sequels, adaptations, and reboots. No one wants to take risks anymore, it has to be a guaranteed money maker. Executives and producers greenlight shitty remakes of classic movies shows and games, hoping that an audience will flock to it based on the name alone. Childhood nostalgia has been appropriated by the cynical marketing machine. The reboot of Bionicle is also part of this trend. Lego gave it a bare-bones marketing budget, hoping that nostalgic fans would promote the line for them. Just give people their member berries, and you won't have to actually try to make anything new. Nostalgia is not inherently bad. Everybody has fond memories of something they used to like when they were younger, and it can be nice to occasionally look back on those things. However, if you rely on nostalgia too much you start living in the past, thinking that the best days are behind you and that nothing fun or exciting could ever come out now. All fandoms are by nature derivative, since they are a group of people creating art, writing, and other media based on an already existing IP created by someone else. And a lot of them are based in nostalgia to a degree. But the problem with the Bionicle fandom is that member berries is all we are. There is no new content, and in fact most Bionicle fans don't actually want new content; they just want to relive their childhoods, writing and drawing the same things over and over again, trying to evoke a time where we weren't so world weary and cynical. Hence why the only Bionicle fanart that gets popular outside of our tiny circle is the original characters from Mata Nui. When the reboot came along, a lot of us were really hyped that Bionicle would finally get some new life breathed into it; but ultimately it delivered nothing of substance. And now that it's been canceled, and Bionicle won't come back for a long time if ever, the fandom has degraded into shitposting, Facebook tier memes, and nostalgiafagging/member berries. The MLP fandom gets a lot of shit for being autistic and or creepy, but they are a productive group. They make loads of fanart, fanfic, fan music, plushies, cosplay, game mods and more. MLP fans have taken the world and characters of the show and gone in so many different directions. They don't need Hasbro to make official content, because the fandom is an entire universe of its own. If friendship is magic got canceled, the fandom would have still have enough original content to sustain itself for quite a while. And that's what I wanted to do with Afterman. Something inspired by Bionicle, but also its own thing. Something that people with tons of ideas for what Bionicle could have been could bring their fanfics to life. Something positive and constructive to work towards, rather then just lamenting that Bionicle is over and holding our breath for a second reboot that will never come. I am very frustrated that not a lot of people seem to understand this fairly simple concept. I know life can get in the way. People have jobs and school, I get that. But honestly, if you take a look at this Tumblr, send me a message saying "I don't think this project is going to work out, I won't bother contributing" and then make a whole bunch of posts talking about how "man Bionicle was so great and it sucks that it's over, if only there was a way to bring it back somehow" you're part of the problem. Those people talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk. If you have enough time to shitpost on Tumblr, you have enough time to contribute. Do I know what I'm doing? No. Am I a talented artist and writer? No. But I saw how so many things were stagnant, and thought "something needs to be done about this, we can't fade away into nothing. We need something constructive to overcome apathy." There are times where you see that something needs to be done. But no one else is going to do it, so it's up to you, regardless of whether you're actually qualified. I never wanted to be a leader, I don't like bossing people around. But nobody else volunteered. If you think that you would be a better leader, by all means let me know and I can give ownership of the blog to you. People who disregard this project because of a few surface details they don't like really piss me off, because the entire reason I made this in the first place was so that multiple people could contribute. Don't like the title Afterman, or the names of the characters and places? Suggest some new ones. Don't like the plot outline that I have so far? Write up your own version of what should happen. Don't like the art style or character designs? Submit some sketches of how you think the characters should look. You get the idea. Of course, I can't make anyone do anything. But don't refuse to help this project in any way and then complain that Bionicle is dead, wasting time on what might've been but isn't and will never be. Take initiative and stop waiting for someone else to do it.

[newyorktheater]

The Week in Theater Reviews. The Week in Theater News. The Week in Theater Videos.

#Stageworthy News of the Week. In the first Equity-approved professional musical production to open in America in the five months since the pandemic lockdown began, the Berkshire Theater Group’s literally sanitized and social distanced “Godspell” felt like a miracle, at least to the critics, who sound grateful to have attended.

Held in a tent in the parking lot with its 100 audience members required to wear masks and sit at least 14 feet apart, the show featured a cast of 10 who had quarantined together in a house for weeks. “For the artists, it’s a brave new world. (Full disclosure: My daughter is in the cast.),” writes Josh Getlin in the L.A. Times. “They perform six feet apart…flanked by plexiglass shields on wheels that protect them and the audience as they sing. For good measure, in their pockets they also have masks, which they put on periodically during the show.”

Lily Goldberg The Berkshire Eagle: Faith in each other and the importance of sharing live art is what drove these theater-makers to submit themselves to twice-weekly testing, what helped them adapt to plexiglass and temperature checks, what gave them the bravery to leave their friends and families to live with one another, and what allowed them the chance to share, with tears and triumph, their joyful noise with audiences once again. And that’s as sacred as anything.

Bob Verini, New York Stage Review: When Nicholas Edwards as Jesus sings hopefully (and beautifully) that “We will build / A beautiful city” you know he doesn’t mean one without face masks, but one without prejudice or injustice, one in which Black lives absolutely do matter and people can disagree without reviling each other. In 50 years I’ve yet to encounter a single Godspell, pro or am, that didn’t seek to address its historical moment. This one succeeds more than most..

Ben Brantley, New York Times: When the script calls for physical contact… action and reaction are delivered in separate, distanced places. As a metaphor for how so many of us have been living since March, this form of theatrical communication feels both heartbreaking and valiant. We adapt, we make do, even as we long to return to the age of the handshake and the hug” [After Nicholas Edwards as Jesus sings “Beautiful City”] “he looks both ravenously hopeful and devastated as he tries to envision a radiant future. I never thought I’d say this, but I know exactly how Jesus feels.”

(None of these critics were…uncritical, which is an answer to the panel discussion I talk about below entitled “Can Critics Criticize during a Pandemic.” Goldberg found such “COVID-conscious updates to the show” as “one-liners about stimulus checks, quarantine sourdough and mask acne” to “still feel too raw.” Verini: “I was eventually worn down (and worn out) by how much is lost on stage behind plexiglas.”)

Theater has reopened on other stages as well — such as Barrington Stage (outdoors), nearby in Massachusetts, for its production of the solo play “Harry Clarke,”  and Tokyo’s Kabuki-za Theater, where the performers one-up those in the Berkshires by wearing not just mandatory masks but the occasional face-guard.

But onstage theater is many months away for New York City, so the consensus goes, even as the city continues to reopen in other ways, such as the Bronx Zoo.  (That’s Abby, a resident giraffe, posing beside NYC Cultural Affairs Commissioner Gonzalo Casals.)

  The Week in Reviews

Homebound Project 5: Homemade Benefit by Laurie Metcalf, plus Lena Dunham, Kelli O’Hara, Brian Cox, Austin Pendleton, The Homebound Project has raised more than $100,000 for No Kid Hungry, but it’s been more than just a worthy endeavor. There has been enough that’s been artful and entertaining in each of the five editions to make them worthwhile

Howard on Disney Plus: The Broadway talent who rejected Broadway

“The last great place to do Broadway musicals is in animation,” says Howard Ashman, in “Howard,” a new documentary on Disney+ that offers a simultaneously sad and inspiring look at Ashman’s life, his work, and his death from AIDS at the age of 40 in 1991. What it doesn’t offer is a very encouraging take on Broadway.

No Blue Memories: The Life of Gwendolyn Brooks No Blue Memories: The Life of Gwendolyn Brooks,” was presented on a Chicago stage during the centennial of the birth of the noted poet, the first African-American to win a Pulitzer Prize in any category. Now, three years later, it is being presented as an hour-long video for free online at Manual Cinema from August 10 to 17, as part of the company’s tenth anniversary “Retrospectacular,” presenting four of its most popular shows. What the video retains is the play’s delightful jazz and blues infused score, which helps bring forth the poet’s own jazzy rhythms…What the video of “No Blue Memories” doesn’t do well is show what Manual Cinema does at its best — or, indeed, what Manual Cinema does, period. The videos of their shows may look like animated features, but to call them animations is to miss the beauty and ingenuity of what the company creates.

Oscar Isaac as King Creon refusing the advice of Tiresias in @TheaterofWar‘s #AntigoneinFerguson, happening now! pic.twitter.com/uhEa6NHAl2

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 10, 2020

Community panel reacts to @TheaterofWar‘s Antigone. They are all mothers/relatives of people killed by police: Gwen Carr (Eric Garner’s mother), Valerie Bell (Sean Bell’s mother), Marion Gray-Hopkins (Gary Hopkins, Jr’s mother), and Uncle Bobby X (Oscar Grant’s uncle). pic.twitter.com/E9YEIWAqDp

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 10, 2020

Marion Gray-Hopkins: “Many people think that just the mother or the father is suffering, but it’s a domino effect. Many suffer, not just immediate family”

Critics Corner

  Can Critics Criticise during a Pandemic? A 90-minute video

“As the work of artists evolve with the restrictions of COVID-19, do critics also need to reassess how they look at performance? Four critics, Loo Zihan, Teo Xiao Ting, Jocelyn Chng and Germaine Cheng discuss their responses as more and more performances go online, and whether it has led to a recalibration or softening of their critical eye. What really is the role of the critic during a crisis? Do we put criticality on pause, in favour of a more empathic, care-centred approach as other pressing issues loom large?”

It’s worth noting two things here — first, despite the apparent slant of the description, a poll of the audience watching the discussion revealed that 82 percent of them find criticism to be an essential act during the pandemic. Second, none of the four panelists, nor the moderator, consider themselves primarily critics – they are artists first, which arguably skews the discussion at hand — but also reflects the state of criticism these days.

The death of Theatre Criticism The great critics always began before they were forty. Who are their equivalents today?

  The Week in Theater News

“Out Of Patience”: Actors’ Equity Joins Other Unions In Demanding HEROES Act Senate Passage

The #SaveOurStages bill would give $10 billion in grants to independent music, theater & comedy venues with 500 employees or less. The National Independent Venue Association estimates that 90 percent of its members will have to shutter their buildings for good in September without government funding.

For the first time in 87 years, Radio City Music Hall’s Christmas Spectacular starring the Rockettes is canceled due to concerns over the Coronavirus pandemic.

SpotCo, a leading Broadway advertising and marketing agency, filed suit in New York State Supreme Court against producer Scott Rudin, claiming that he left the company on the hook for $6.3 million in unpaid fees for their work on eight shows, including West Side Story ($2.8 million), King Lear ($1 million) and The Waverly Gallery ($352,000)

Live-capture of @Newsies starring @JeremyMJordan free online August 21 Detailshttps://t.co/ZspyZQHEXJ pic.twitter.com/GZpkv2lLUd

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 7, 2020

TWO celebrations of women on August 26th now.@Playbill presents Women in Theater: A Centennial Celebration, a concert with hosts @heidibschreck & @Rebeccasernamehttps://t.co/keJb2AWMit pic.twitter.com/HiaidEc4q6

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 5, 2020

Teenagers are relentlessly mocking @Lin_Manuel on TikTok. Underneath it, argues @EjDickson in @RollingStone, is a growing critique of @HamiltonMusical https://t.co/8VGfVMVxXq pic.twitter.com/U6NDF5zJhI

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 5, 2020

Can A Robot Write A Theater Play? The Unusual Collaboration Between AI, Robotics and Theater the idea of a robot, including the word ‘robot’ itself, was invented by Karel Čapek and his brother Josef, who wrote the play “RUR” 100 years ago on January, 2021. Researchers hope by then to have produced a play with a script generated by “a pre-trained language model called GPT-2.”

After complaints by current & ex employees about racism at @artny72, its longtime leader @Ginnylouloudesv has been put on administration leave, and@The_Risa (pictured) named interim executive director. An account of accusations on @OnstageBlog: https://t.co/qMZz0y5QHP pic.twitter.com/amJqb86CcL

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 7, 2020

Rest in Peace

Eric Bentley, 103, “an influential theater critic — as well as a scholar, author and playwright — who was an early champion of modern European drama and an unsparing antagonist of Broadway.”

‘It’s all about the three big C’s… There’s confidence, which can always be fleeting, and then there’s courage and compassion.” RIP Brent Carver, 68, Tony winning actor for Kiss of the Spider-woman, Tony nominee for Parade, also in Romeo and Juliet, and King Lear on Broadway pic.twitter.com/w4HQL2KUNj

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 6, 2020

RIP Pete Hamill, 85, New Yorker, columnist, foreign correspondent, editor, novelist, screenwriter, man-about-town, , streetwise raconteur, savvy hob-nobber, former colleague…

newspaper guy. pic.twitter.com/J1jzxmQ7kf

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) August 5, 2020

The Week in Theater Videos

Broadway in Bryant Park videos, 2012 – 2019

Ham4Change

from Guthrie Theater

Let the Sunshine In

What onstage theater looks like, five months in. #Stageworthy News The Week in Theater Reviews. The Week in Theater News. The Week in Theater Videos…

[we-future-first]

I feel people are underreacting to OpenAI's Jukebox. This neural network is generating waveforms themselves!

The technology in question and one of the more famous outputs.

The best part is that it's synthesizing the songs via waveform generation.

Traditional synthetic music would typically do it by splicing together different notes (and thus humans would actually play the music), through MIDI files, or by playing digital instruments (like synth guitars and drums in FL Studios). We've been doing this for decades.

Anyone who used the internet or played video games in the 90s and 2000s remembers MIDI files being everywhere because they were easy to make and easy on memory, so it stands to no one's surprise that they've often been used by AI researchers to get various AI techniques (not just neural networks either, especially not before the 2010s) to generate music using them. And Ray Kurzweil himself literally pulled off the first in 1965.

AI composing music has been around for a long time indeed, and even generating itself has been possible for a good long while. Since before I was born, at least. But never like this.

This does it another way entirely: it creates music by literally generating the audio waveforms, which is insane. When I was a bit younger, I figured that an AI could potentially do this— I knew that my own voice was just a waveform and editing that waveform could turn it into anything. I remember opening up Audacity files of various tracks that had audio glitches that I couldn't remove without messing with the music or voices, wishing there was some way to play with those waveforms. I'd zoom in as close as I could until the waveform was just a slightly curved line, play with a tiny bit of that line, and marvel at how totally that changed what that segment sounded like. This resulted in me imagining what it'd be like to have an AI be able to understand audio waveforms well enough to intelligently manipulate them to the extent that it could generate novel music, voices, and sounds. I knew it was possible. But I didn't think we'd pull it off by 2020.

To use an analogy, you know of lab-grown/in vitro meat? It's one of several different types of alternative meat, the most famous being meatless vegan meat (which isn't half bad). However, meatless meat is made from plants and treated to have the taste and consistency of meat. They're not meat at all. No fibers, no muscles, no fat; nothing.

In vitro meat is meat. It's grown through different methods, but it still grows as meat cells— muscles, tendons, fat, maybe even bones eventually. Just without the animal attached. Both synthetic, but one is actually what it's pretending to be.

That's this in a nutshell.

When you hear a guitar in a Jukebox-generated song, you're actually hearing a guitar, even though no physical guitar was ever played. It's not a MIDI file of a guitar, nor is it a prerecording or rough synthetic version. We're hearing the raw audio of a guitar.

This is because the neural network is essentially "imagining" what a guitar sounds like. I use that word loosely, of course. But you do it similarly in your head. You've heard what a guitar sounds like, likely in many different ways. And if I asked you to imagine the guitar-driven part of, say, "Bohemian Rhapsody," you could probably do it easily. Same deal with the piano parts. And you're probably remember the drums, bass, and vocals without even being prompted.

And if I asked you to imagine Freddy Mercury sing the entire song in falsetto or for the band to rerecord the song but turn the piano sections into future-funk but left the heavy rock parts intact (or perhaps even vice versa), you could probably imagine it easily as well.

That's what Jukebox is doing.

I already knew neural networks could do this— WaveNet showed off this capability back in 2016, using its audio waveform generation to synthesize voices and piano. I was simply waiting for the day this was combined and translated into full musical pieces. And now it's here.

Almost.

The Jukebox tracks were apparently hell to render, taking hours just to make a single minute. But it won't be long before we have the ability to generate any sort of song— including mash-ups, hybrids, remixes, and remakes in any style.

My long dream of an AI-generated barbershop quartet cover of TLC's Waterfalls & a female-fronted Witchfinder General is taking shape.

But that's just the present.

This is clearly just in its infancy, to the point that it suffers from the "S-curve effect"— older methods, including MIDI generation (think of MuseNet, also from OpenAI) obviously sound better than this because they have so much refinement, whereas Jukebox's songs all occupy the auditory uncanny valley, as if we're picking up songs from an alternate universe through a shortwave radio. Furthermore, these tracks only resemble their parents songs on the surface— dig any deeper, and you'd realize that the AI doesn't seem to know how to pull off a verse-chorus-verse or loop verses (so it'd make for good art punk probably). As admirable as it is, it still leaves a lot to be desired.

But these will all be solved with just a little bit more compute and work. Indeed, by the end of this year, it might be exponentially better than it already is. And within five years, we'd have a "music generator" that could easily handle any request.

Actually, not just music generator. ANY sound could be generated. It's all audio waveforms, after all.

TLDR, OpenAI stuns us once again by unveiling the first generation of an AI that can generate any sound by directly generating raw audio waveforms rather than making a MIDI file or composing notes for humans to play

This means we can hear a computer generate music electronic music... I know that sounds redundant, but I mean that this would basically synthesize the sound of synthesizers rather than playing those synthesizers itself. It's double-layered synths...

submitted by /u/Yuli-Ban [link] [comments] source https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/comments/gi42b9/i_feel_people_are_underreacting_to_openais/