#I have felt some level of guilt for existing almost constantly for 32 years and it has helped exactly nothing

[tearlessrain]

I've struggled for most of my life with the kind of irrational, superstitious thought patterns where my brain thinks somehow my level of suffering will innately affect the outcome of things. I have a really hard time not worrying about things I have no control over because something in my brain sincerely believes that if I stop worrying/enjoy myself even for a moment while a bad thing might be happening, it will somehow be my fault if the bad thing happens. because I didn't preemptively feel sufficiently bad about it. like I'm the one kid in omelas who has to live in the torment nexus. I literally have anxiety spirals when too many good things happen to me because it feels like it's upsetting the balance and I might be neglecting to worry about something enough. it's something I'm only just recently starting to get better about and it's very much a work in progress.

so it's possible I might be majorly projecting here but I see a lot of similar lines of thinking behind the way (*online left-leaning) people in this country talk about global issues. like making any attempt to better our own situation while other people are suffering somewhere else means we'll be as much to blame for that suffering as the ones causing it.

and let me tell you from experience that is really not a healthy way to live.