#I have been awake for 18 hours and I’m cranky and I feel bad for my team and I’m frustrated at this event and I’m frustrated at my coach

[firefly-in-darkness]

Worst Idea Ever [Part Four]

Characters → Y/N & Bucky Barnes, Other Marvel Characters.

Series Summary → Wedding Season is brutal as it is but throw in two friends that decide to be each other’s plus ones and a mixed bag of feelings, what’s the worst that could happen?

Part FourSummary → Y/N takes Bucky to a place from her past, meeting people that he never imagined Y/N to be friends with and someone else from her past tries to come back into her life.

Word Count → 3k.

Part Two Warnings → 18+, swearing, angst, jealousy, illusion to sexy things. Two idiots.

Beta → @kalesrebellion // all mistakes are my own.

Series Taglist  → Open, just drop me an ask!

A/N → And once again, I wrote the first draft and left it in my docs like I’d posted it... thank you @whitestarbucky​ for being late to the party and reminding me that I actually hadn’t posted it.

Series List // Marvel List // Masterlist

Previously in Part Three: He sunk back into the pillow, his hand dragging down his face. Bucky wasn’t sure what the billionaire genius was referring to, but he felt guilty for whatever Y/N had to witness of him and Jackie. He thought going home with someone else would help quash his feelings but now that he was sober, he knew that it was a stupid idea. He only felt guilt and remorse for what had happened the previous night.

Hooking up with a woman in front of Y/N was the worst idea ever.

The breeze from the rental car window was just enough to keep Y/N alert as she drove the last stretch of their five-hour journey, well maybe a bit longer if you counted going through the whole airport process. Y/N had felt tense the second she met Bucky at JFK and the thought of being confined to a small space that was thousands of feet in the air.

Y/N didn’t want to talk about how things had become uncomfortable after Peter and Gwen’s rehearsal dinner. She was embarrassed but she also had avoided the subject completely when she met him the next day for the wedding. Bucky’s familial duties took him away from her which, to her benefit, meant that she hardly saw him. 

The celebration was enjoyable but there was an annoying voice in the back of her head telling her to talk to Bucky about everything. But she couldn’t, he was her friend of over a decade. Plus, now that they were on their way to another wedding, it had already been three weeks since they last saw each other. 

Bucky had probably forgotten about the incident, and he was too drunk to see that he and Jackie hurt her. She should just brush it under the carpet, right?

The journey wasn’t as bad as Y/N thought; she was able to lose herself in her book or the music playlist that Nat had sent to her a few days ago. ‘Perfect for long journeys’, she’d said. All the while, Bucky lounged in the seat beside her, reading on his kindle or chatting about the usual nonsense that was his dating life.

It was as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed, and Y/N knew that she was just overthinking the possibility of them crossing the line of friendship. It was only a side effect of their fake dating arrangement and being in romantically charged places.

The motel parking lot gravel crunched under the tyres as Y/N pulled in. Relief flooded her and she sluggishly climbed out, stretching her arms high and shaking out her legs. The freedom from the cramped space behind the wheel didn’t alleviate heaviness in her muscles and all that she craved was a nap.

Bucky headed to the reception to pick up the key, and within minutes they were able to access the room, and Y/N instantly flopped face-first onto the bed. Kicking her shoes off and shuffling up the mattress, she pulled the side of the duvet and rolled over into a cocoon and let the nap take hold of her.

Bucky clambered through the door with Y/N’s luggage as well as his own, muttering to himself about her being a lazy pain in his ass. But when he saw her peacefully sleeping form on the bed, he couldn’t help but smile. The way she had cocooned herself in the covers, and how her soft snores puffed out her lips; it was adorable.

Then the guilt reared its head. He’d tried to approach the subject of the rehearsal dinner at the airport but from the tension in her body and the intense focus on reading her book, he knew that she wouldn’t talk. She was embarrassed, and he would have been too if he’d been caught with a sex toy at a rehearsal dinner.

Deep down, he knew something else was bothering Y/N. She was too focused on the road ahead instead of listening to his woeful attempts at dating. His thoughts kept reverting to the moment he kicked Jackie out after awaking to Y/N’s text messages; he felt like he’d upset Y/N, disappointed her but wasn’t that what this was all about? They were being one another’s company until they found someone they wanted to date. That’s what this was.

Since Peter’s wedding, fond moments Bucky had shared with Y/N had started to dance behind his eyes. Their shared memories from over the years playing on repeat at night. Making breakfast together while the rest of their friends groaned about their hangovers in the other room, the candid way she’d grab his prosthetic arm and he always felt a rush of warmth when he realised that once again, it didn’t bother her. 

That was before all the technological adaptations to connect to his nervous system. She touched his arm like it was real. And once those adaptations were made, Bucky felt her tender touch and the soft skin of her palm. He felt at ease, calm, at peace even, with her compared to the rest of the people in his life, the world. He was whole with her.

A horn blasted in the parking lot and caught Bucky’s attention before he refocused on Y/N’s sleeping form. Bucky wasn’t sure about his feelings anymore, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of their pact or whether Y/N felt something more. He could be just imagining it. She had never judged him, had always been by his side at college. 

They were partners in crime, as thick as thieves. And since then, they’d drifted into a more casual friendship but maybe there could be something there. Stop it. He berated and carried on unloading the car, focused intently on collecting their belongings.

Y/N felt better than before but she still felt drowsy, and the flickering television showing an old western film lulled her further into the bed. Absentmindedly, she pulled Bucky’s arm around her shoulder and nuzzled into his chest. The smell of his cologne added to the comfort she already found herself in, then she realised what she had done.

Now that she was there, she didn’t know what to do, she was frozen in place. She could remove her arms from his waist, or maybe pretend she was still asleep and roll away again. The embarrassment tingled at her cheeks and the feel of his toned stomach under her forearm made her core ache with want. She snapped out of it when she felt Bucky shuffle away from her.

“Erm, what are you doing?” Bucky frowned at her, seriousness in his features.

“It’s just a hug, I’m half asleep, chill out.�� Y/N pretended to not let the hurt of rejection show and put it back onto Bucky, “Do you not like cuddles or something?”

Bucky unfurled his arm and shook his head at her, “I don’t wanna cuddle you.” 

Y/N sighed dramatically and flopped back onto bed dramatically, “Fine, don’t crawl over to me when it gets cold in here tonight.”

Bucky had lied, he did like cuddles. He wanted to cuddle Y/N with every fibre of his being. He didn’t want to get used to it, to the feel of Y/N’s warm body pressed against him, only to have it be taken away. He didn’t want to miss her touch once he had been graced with it. He wasn’t good enough for her, anything more than friendship wouldn’t work. It surely couldn't?

He turned off the television and decided to leave her to sleep in peace. He knew for certain that the next time she woke up, she’d be cranky because she hadn’t eaten. With the fear of Y/N throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old, he headed out into the town to find some food for the drama queen.

Bucky threw on his jacket and grabbed the keys, Y/N’s phone flashing drew his attention. A notification: an envelope with Dean bolded beside it. He knew that he wouldn’t read it, no matter how tempting the voices in the back of his head were telling him to see what had happened since Y/N and Dean’s rendezvous at Darcy’s wedding.

Bucky, annoyed at the taunting notification, he knew Y/N’s password, it was the same for everything and he’d constantly scolded her for that. But he’d never invade her privacy. And right now, he needed to get out of the room. It was stifling and it felt like the walls had closed in around him. Y/N’s soft snores had become irritating as the recurring feeling of jealousy took over and he stormed out of the room.

A group of large men covered in tattoos with long beards, unmistakably their Harleys resting in the parking bay out the front of the venue made Y/N feel like she was finally home. It wasn’t the usual aesthetic for a wedding reception and maybe Y/N should have warned Bucky. Where’s the fun in that? She thought as she reached the entrance, but Bucky was no longer beside her.

Y/N turned to find his confused face across the sidewalk, “Come on, we’re here.”

Bucky jogged over to her, he frowned as he read the sign on the wall, “Right, we are going to a bar called Hell House that used to be a Catholic boarding school for a wedding?”

“Yes, I told you, it’s for some dear friends from when I lived here.” She ushered him inside with a giggle. “I know my way around, just follow me.”

“You said you lived in a suburb,” Bucky muttered as he walked into the dimly lit bar.

The number of people dressed similarly to the men outside was growing tenfold and Y/N could feel the tension reeling off him. She knew he wouldn’t be scared, but probably surprised by the company she kept in her hometown. They were a different, very different group of friends to those she met at college.

“Hey Chocolate Puddin’!” Y/N screamed and threw her arms around the man wiping down a table.  The man reciprocated with the usual awkward hug; not holding her too tightly in case Y/N clocked him one for feeling her up on accident again. She pulled away and gestured to her date. “And this is Bucky.”

He shook Bucky’s hand and introduced himself, “Weasel. This one just mocks me for not knowing what emojis mean.”

Y/N tugged on Bucky’s jacket to bring his ear closer and whispered, “He thought the poop emoji was chocolate ice cream or somethin’.”

“What can I get you to drink?” Weasel asked as he wiped the glasses and placed them on the bar.

“Blowjob!!” Another man shouted and spun Y/N around, pulling her away from the bar and out of Bucky’s hearing range. “Well, look at you Care Bear. Looking like a fuckable plushie.”

Weasel muttered under his breath and fixed the bailey and whipped cream shot while jealousy brewed in Bucky’s chest as he watched Y/N being picked up by the handsome man. He couldn’t react, how could he in a room full of giants and he’d hardly admitted his feelings to himself yet. 

Instead, he clutched the bottle of beer that Weasel handed him. Y/N knew these people, if she didn’t want to be manhandled then she would have done something about it. And Bucky wasn’t sure why that annoyed him more; that she was more casual with affections or that she didn’t do this with him.

Bucky turned away for a second only to turn around to see a woman grabbing Y/N’s face and pushing their faces together in a smacking kiss. His mouth dropped agape, as the women giggled and hugged one another. He needed to talk to you about what kind of place you grew up in because this was not what he pictured.

“You get used to it.” Weasel commented and held up two crossed fingers, “those three are like that. Never known a throuple like it.”

Bucky frowned, “a what?”

“He’s messing with you Buck, he’s just jealous that he never got to tap any of us. Bucky, this is Wade and Vanessa.”

It then dawned on him that the man that ordered a blow job and the woman that snogged his fake date were the newlyweds. Vanessa was one of Y/N’s oldest friends from high school and had introduced her to Wade, but never explained how. Maybe the venue had something to do with it but now he was even more curious and a little less jealous.

The four of them drank round after round at a table that had been set aside for the special couple. The table didn’t look any different to the others apart from the fact that it was probably the cleanest and the only distinguishable feature was the folded piece of paper with the words ‘reservation for wade & ness’ scrawled on it.

“So how did you two meet?” Bucky asked the couple.

“Y/N and I went our separate ways after school.” Vanessa held out her hand on the table, Y/N immediately grabbing it. “One of us sold themselves to the world of men and the other became a stripper.”

Y/N cackled, and Bucky enjoyed the carefree nature that Y/N had around this pair. She was uninhibited and more herself than he’d seen in a long time. Growing up with someone is a different type of friendship with the ones you meet at college. Bucky’s mind drifted to Steve Rogers, his childhood friend and how they were practically brothers, always getting into trouble. 

“Wade came in after finishing a job, courtesy of me.” Y/N dramatically placed her hand on her chest then looked at Bucky, “Oh right, you don’t know what Wade does for a living. So erm, basically he can be hired to help people with difficult situations rather than calling the police.”

Bucky paused and dropped the bottle onto the table with a thunk and immediately found Y/N’s eyes. He wasn’t sure where this story was going but he didn’t like the sound of it at all. Not one little bit.

“My ex was causing me some hassle and Wade gave him a little scare.” Y/N beamed through her drunkenness and turned back to the couple, “and because Wade came the next night to pay his merc fees, he met Ness.”

“Oh yeah, it was that douche, Francis. Francis. Stalker shit his pants when he saw me.” Wade barked out a laugh and turned to Vanessa, muttering words into her ear. The couple becoming completely lost in one another.

Bucky turned to Y/N, “Didn’t you date Francis in college?”

Y/N hiccupped and nodded, then vacated her seat before Bucky could respond. He watched her fiddle with the dials on the jukebox while he mulled over his thoughts; why hadn’t Y/N come to him or Sam about Francis? 

He’d have to ask her when she was sober because there was no way he was going to get the information from her now or the newlyweds. They were almost tearing each other’s clothes off as they made out. 

Y/N had finally picked a track and it boomed through the speakers. Her and a group of others dancing along to the beat. Bucky left the passionate display of intimacy and joined Y/N on the makeshift dance floor which was just some tables pushed to the side.

“Buckaroo!” She crooned and pulled him into a formal hold for such an upbeat song, “So who are we hooking you up with tonight?”

Bucky was completely surprised at her comment, he had hoped that she didn’t like what had happened on their last date and how it turned out with Jackie. Then again, Dean had text her earlier. He must have read this situation completely wrong, and he didn’t want her to know that. She couldn’t know how he felt, he wasn’t sure about it either. That’s what he kept telling himself.

He decided to play along and nod towards a young woman, “what about her?”

Y/N checked over his shoulder as they spun around the small space, she rolled her eyes at the sight of Hope Summers, “I don’t think that’s a good idea unless you want to get beaten up by her dad.”

He followed Y/N’s line of sight and spotted the man glaring at him as if he knew exactly what Bucky had thought or said about his daughter. He immediately shifted Y/N around, spinning her out and back in to avoid looking into the creepy old man’s death stare.

“I need a drink,” Y/N stopped dancing, gathering her breath.

Bucky led the way to the bar and Y/N happily held onto his hand until they were met with Weasel’s agitated face as he held the corded phone to his ear before placing the receiver to his chest.

“It’s for you.” He gestured to Y/N who rounded the bar with confusion etched across her face. Nobody who knew Hellhouse's number knew she was here or would be calling because they’re all here as far as she could tell. 

Weasel kept his hand over the mouthpiece as she approached, “It’s Tyler.”

Y/N glanced to Bucky who sipped on his beer and talked to Neena, another of her high school friends that had ended up in similar work as Wade, she was nicknamed Lucky for all the ways she miraculously got out of tricky situations.

Bucky ducked closer to Neena’s, whispering into her ear and a wave of anger erupted in Y/N. She was done with being second best, Bucky was only doing this to meet other women. She wasn’t what he wanted.

Finally, she put the phone to her ear and prepared herself to listen to whatever her ex-boyfriend wanted to say. With a deep breath, she answered the call as coolly as she could.

Bucky turned back to the bar and saw the frustration on Y/N’s face growing, it wasn’t a pleasant phone call. Plus, surely, they would have rung her mobile. He scooted around the bar and approached Y/N, her back now turned from him and her fingers wrapped and unwrapped from the coil of the phone’s cord.

“Tyler, please just listen to me.” She hissed. “I am not interested. I’ve moved on.”

Bucky froze at Y/N’s words, when did she move on? And who had she moved onto? Was it that guy that she met at Darcy's wedding? Dean. The name grated his nerves. He couldn’t blame her; she was allowed to move on. Worry filled his thoughts, could he have caused Y/N to run into the arms of someone else because he hooked up with Jackie.

Y/N slammed the handset into its holder on the wall, spinning to Bucky and the moment he saw her unshed tears, he pulled her into his arms. Pushing his feelings aside, he knew that he needed to be there for her regardless of if she had moved on to someone new.

Continue Here...

Worst Idea Ever Tag List: @daydream3r-xo​ / @justanotherblonde23​ / @whitestarbucky-main​ / @bonkywobble​ / @writingsoftheloser​ / @galaxy-barnes​ / @weird-mumbling​ / @m-blasterrr​ / @wayward-gypsy​ / @heartsaved​ / @lostinthoughtsandfeelings​ / @void-imaginations​ / @im-squished​ / @kalesrebellion​ / @lady-pswrld​ / @midnightfire​ / @quinjetboi​ / @wiccanmetallicrose​ / @just-a-littlebit-of-everything​ / @tellthemall-i-saidhi​ / @superquirkygrlofvirgodom-blog​ / @wonder-cole​ / @superappyjuice​ / @justreadingfics​ / @irishflutiegirl​ / @callmeluna​ / @charmedbysarge​ / @obsessivereaderchick​ / @mcolbz14​ / @calwitch​ / @gooddaykate​ / @escapingthoughtsandsecrets​ / @redbarn1995​ / @pterodactylterrace​ / @vicmc624​ / @guera31​ / @bwbatta​ / @aeo10fan​ / @the-lake-is-calling​ / @addikted-2-dopamine​  / @redbarn1995​ / @drabblewithfrannybarnes​

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[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW - 13 full draft

Christmas had come and gone leaving Eren feeling like a beached whale. His stomach has popped after his dance wind up, looking as if it had doubled in size between then and Levi's fortieth birthday. The growing pains over the last few weeks sucked, as had the spotting of blood. He'd just been feeling flat and yuck since, all he wanted to do was sleep all the time. Something not happening with a three year old toddler that seemed to be a constant sugar high. It was the only way he could explain how Viren had so much energy... even Titan seemed to have more energy. With Hanji, Erwin, Mike and Levi all working Christmas Day, they'd had a party for the kids on the 23rd, during which he'd fallen asleep. Then he and Levi had celebrated his alpha's birthday on the night of the 24th, and early hours of the 25th. They'd eaten cake in bed because of his fatigue, while watching movies on Levi's laptop until Levi had to go. Working an extended shift, his mate had left the house at a little after 4am, working right through to Boxing Day. It'd really fucking sucked. He loved December 25th. Still, even if Levi couldn't be home, he hadn't been alone. He'd had another small party with the kids on the Christmas Day, eating way too much as they watched Christmas movies, cuddled up on the sofa with the two children. Anna was completely fascinated by the swell of his stomach. The little girl couldn't believe he had two pups growing in there. Viren on the other hand didn't seem too impressed, even smacking him in the stomach when he couldn't get comfortable thanks to curve of his swell. His son did not want a sister. At all. Where as Anna wanted them both to be girls. Marco and Jean were leaving the second week of January, leaving Anna without her two little friends. It wasn't fair to her that it was right before her birthday party, but Anna was a tough kid. The little miss finally actually turning 4, instead of just having her age rounded up because of how smart she was. * Cuddled up under the beautiful blanket Levi had gifted him, Eren felt revolting. He really loved the blanket, it was so soft, and sparkly, and the colours of the sea were everything he could want. His sneaky alpha had snuck it on their bed while he'd slept, waking later on Christmas Day to find it there. Slightly enthused, he'd yelled into the phone as he rushed to thank Levi for it. That seemed like months ago, rather than days. Outside the door of his old bedroom, he could hear Viren playing with Titan, but felt too weak to even move, running hot and cold simultaneously, while his between his legs ached. He knew he had to get up, but he was so tired... "Mum! Mummy! Muuuuuuuum!" Pulling his blanket over his head, Eren whimpered at the sound of his son's voice. Managing to get the door handle undone, Viren came bounding onto his bed, jumping up and down right next to him... this was not going to end well... "Viren, stop" "Wake up, mum!" The rocking wasn't appreciated by his stomach, miserably, he only just managed to get his head free from the covers before throwing up down the side of the bed, Viren still jumping on the bed as he did, though not quite as enthusiastic "Mummy?" Falling to his knees, Viren landed on his hip. Eren whimpering from the unneeded pressure on his stomach and the sudden shock "Baby, can you get mummy's phone for him?" "Mum?" "Baby, please. Mummy is ok. Just get my phone for me" His phone was all the way back in the living room, not the safest of places, but he was only supposed to be taking a nap while Viren did. Now there was no way he could get out of bed. "Mummy!" Dropping his phone in his face, Eren was jolted back to consciousness. The light of the device blinding as he clumsily unlocked the device. He didn't need Hanji's mothering... and he didn't want to worry Levi. This time of year was awful for him. Finding Mike's name, he barely hit call before his phone slipped from his hold "Mummy?!" "I'm... sorry baby..." He couldn't hear Mike repeating his name, Viren throwing his arms around him. He hadn't felt like this when Levi had left. He'd been exhausted, but over the last few days, it'd gotten worse. Now, two days short of the New Years, he felt like death had come for him. "Eren?" Tapping his face, Eren whimpered away from Mike. He didn't remember passing out, but he must have if the alpha was now there "M-Mike... something's wrong" Mike was blurry as he swam in and out of focus. With his hands against Eren's face, Eren could smell the man's worry "You're going to be ok. Can you move?" "No..." "Alright. Up we go" Lifting him, Eren shivered as if his body had been plunged into an ice bath "Why didn't you call Levi?" "He's... stressed" Was Mike always this loud? Shivering, he was moved from his bed to the sofa, the light coming through the windows blinding. Flinching as he tried to open his eyes, he quick gave up "Headache?" Nodding only made him more nauseous "Vomiting and Fever? Abdominal pain?" Humming hurt but worked "How far along are you?" Shouldn't Mike just know this shit? This was why he wanted him instead of Hanji, because Mike didn't usually ask him a trillion questions. Couldn't he see how tired he was? "Eren, keep talking to me. How far along are you?" "18 weeks" Letting his head loll back, his eyes slid closed. Mike tapping his face "Fuck off... hurts" "If you can swear at me, you can stay awake for me" "Sleepy" "Sorry, Eren, but you need to stay awake" Mike has zero chance of that happening. * Called by Mike, Levi was confused as he headed through the main doors of Shinganshima hospital. Mike hadn't told him what was going on, only asking him to come meet him. Erwin had said Mike wasn't working, and the fact he wasn't meeting him in the emergency department had lead him to believe it may be related to Mike's health, and whatever was causing the rift between him and Erwin. Mike looked grim as Levi approached, the man sitting at one of the small tables near the hospital's auxiliary shops "Levi" "Mike" "Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?" "Come with me, I need to have a talk with you" That didn't sound ominous... "Mike, is everything alright?" "We should have a talk" Lead through the hospital, Mike was prepared. Entering a small consulting office, Mike took a seat in the rolling chair, gesturing to the narrow visitors chair beside the desk "Mike, this better be good" "I had a call from Eren today" Ok... That was unusual, but not completely out of the normal... There was no need for his heart to start racing. Opening the Manila folder on the desk, Mike passed him over a series of ultrasound prints "What am I looking at?" "Sacrococcygeal teratoma. Type one from the looks of it" "And..." "Eren has developed an infection in his right breast, he called me this morning disoriented and vomiting. He'd also had a small bleed, so I sent him for an ultrasound. The growth you see is four weeks, as you can see, there's been a rapid increase in mass" Wait. What. He hadn't even looked at the name in the corner of the prints, blindsided by his own deduction that this was about Mike. His brain kicking into overdrive "What?" "I'm sorry Levi, we'll monitor this carefully, but if the rate of growth continues like this, the pup will need to be aborted. As you can see, the foetus is significantly smaller than the other" "Hang on. Just. Why the fuck didn't you call me?" "My first priority was getting Eren emergency care. His fever was dangerously high, and the bleed had stained his sweat pants. He was in and out of consciousness. He's stabilised now, and resting" "He's been tired lately, but he wasn't feverish, or vomiting. He was fine when I left this morning" This couldn't be happening. Not after the loss of the pup... And Eren really had been fine. He'd been tired, but Levi assumed that was more to do with the fact it was the end of the year, and the rainy weather... and... "Does he know?" "No. He said something was wrong, but he was too out of it to know what. I'm so sorry, Levi" "You're talking as if they're already dead!" He didn't mean to snap, unable to take his eyes off the scan. SCT's weren't uncommon, but they did pose a risk of growing rapidly between the 18th and 26th week. The pup to the left seemed happy and healthy, but their twin... Eren was going to fall apart over it... "Where is he?" "He's on the ward. Viren's with him" "So he's awake?" "He's in and out, his fever is being managed. He didn't know he had an infection. He understands he's in hospital again" "I bet he's loving that" "He's told me to "fuck off", more than once" A cranky pouty Eren could be quite cute, as he usually apologised immediately, then sought cuddles. Provided he wasn't the one who'd upset him... and now he had to tell his mate there was something wrong with one of their pups "Levi?" "How the fuck... why the fuck? Eren hasn't done anything wrong. He doesn't... Why?" "His body has been through trauma after trauma. You both deserve a break" "A break?" They deserved a whole lot more than a break "I'm fucking done, Mike" "With Eren?" "No. Not with Eren. With everything but Eren. I'm sick of it. We've worked years to get to where we are. I'm sick of leaving him at home. Of missing time with Viren, and time Eren. All I want is quality time with my family before..." "Levi. You could live your whole life without that bullet shifting" "With our fucking luck, that's a gamble I'm not sure I want to take. Eren told me to think through what I want, and I'm done. He's going to be devastated. This pregnancy has hardly been smooth sailing. Eren's depression. Coming off his mediation, thinking I wanted to leave him. He was going to abort them because that's what he thought I wanted. The only good news was that they both seemed ok... and now... I'm done, Mike" Running his fingers through his hair with his right hand, Levi shook his head "This is going break him. He already thinks he's a bad mother, and that's when he's doing absolutely everything for Viren" "Levi, have you talked to someone about all of this?" "Yeah. We had a couples counselling appointment with Krista, and we've talked about it a fair bit. He hates it. You know he hates feeling weak. Since coming off his medication, his PTS has... It's hard to leave him. He's scared that he's going to hurt Viren, or have a panic attack so bad he passes out and Viren is hurt. I'm done with him feeling like that. Especially after all he went through with his first pregnancy and that piece of shit father of his" "And Eren will be ok with you quitting?" "He'll be worried. He'll be more worried about those attending call outs that involve omegas, but he said he'd support me" "He's the one who's going to need a lot of support over the next months. But I really would recommend talking your options over with Eren. If the growth slows, the recommendation would be an emergency caesarean..." "Provided it does" "Yeah. Pretty much. I'm not his attending, but he'll be in good hands, and I thought I should be the one to tell you" "I appreciate that Mike. I really do. Thank you for being there for him today" "You should thank Viren too. Eren passed out just after he called me, Viren picked his phone up. Told me "mummy wasn't waking up". He's a strong kid" "He and Eren have been getting so much closer..." "He did good" "He's a good kid. I never thought I'd be a father to begin with, but I would do anything for him and Eren" A small flicker of pain crossed Mike's face, before disappearing like it was never there "I'll take you through to Eren. Do you need to call work?" He'd forgotten all about work... "I will after I see Eren" Eren had a nasal cannula in place, Viren sleeping against his side as he snored loudly. A saline IV running into his right arm "We've given him a dose of antibiotics. He was dehydrated from his fever. His blood work was all over the place, everything he had, has been going to the pups" "He's been keeping up with the vitamin shakes and pills..." Eren's blood work shouldn't have been that bad. He ate. He was eating... "They're going to keep him in for the few days, at least" "He's going to love that" "I have a few calls to make. I'll check in with you both later" "Thanks, Mike" Walking over to Eren, he sank down on the side of the bed to kiss Eren's forehead. Sighing at him, Eren wriggled beneath him, all happening within the space of a broken snore. Pursing his lips, Levi kissed him "We have to stop meeting like this" "I thought you were sleeping" "Who says I'm not?" "You dream about me?" "You are the dream. An upset Viren is the reality. He was awake..." It must have been a while ago given how out of it the pair of them had been "You look upset, what's wrong?" He couldn't just tell Eren, not after he woke up "You're in hospital again" "Oh. Right... I suppose there is that... they gave me drugs" Eren gave him a smile, before explaining "Had a headache" "How do you feel now?" "Just sleepy" "Why didn't you call me?" "Thought it was just fatigue. I didn't think I'd end up here. You're supposed to be working" "I wanted to check in with you" "I'm ok... I think... I don't know. I'm sleepy" "Then get some sleep" "Can you take Viren?" "I'll organise it" "And I threw up at home" "Don't worry, I'll take care of it all" "'love you, Lee" "I love you too" Levi didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse that Eren didn't ask about the pups. His fiancée soon falling back to sleep, leaving him to sigh to himself. He was actually going to quit. After a decade and bit, he was actually going to give up the life he'd known... Fuck. Now he wished Eren had been alert enough to have that conversation. He didn't know how to be anyone but himself, and he'd been doing a pretty piss poor of that as he'd staggered through life. He'd believed he'd be doing his job until the day he died... and now, because of Eren, his job was coming to an end and what did that make him? They'd talked about finding a new job, but at his age, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Seeing pointless crash after crash, and death after death, he was tired of it. But when he did quit, that meant saying goodbye to everyone around him. No more calls through the radio from Petra. No more glares from Olou, or chats with Nanaba. No more complaining about shifts with Eld and Gunther. No more being stuck with Erwin and his overbearing concerns. No more running into Mike and Hanji in the Emergency Department. He'd be leaving all of them behind. And then what? They drifted? Because strangers on the streets? People always promise to keep in touch, but how often did that really happen? What was he without them? An alpha. A father. A piss poor fiancée, with omega so heartbroken he won't even let him try to plan their wedding? It was... a lot. No more waking up to crap shifts. No more cleaning ambulances because the shitty idiots before them couldn't do their shitty jobs. No more being screamed at abused for doing his job. No more being called out to mass fatalities and accidents... What was he supposed to do? What could he even do? He wasn't built for customer service. He didn't have the patience for pretty much anyone other than Viren or Anna. He didn't have a whole lot of skills other than cleaning, and he wasn't about to waste his time on people who didn't appreciate it. He'd just turned 40. He'd never planned to... well, live this long or fall in love. In his pocket, his phone began to vibrate. Sliding off Eren's bed, he pulled the device out to find it was his boss. What was he supposed to tell her? I know I've left you in the lurch before, but now I'm going to quit. He had obligations... but he had even bigger ones to his mate. Could he even be the alpha that Eren needed to get him through this? Eren had told him about his need for space, but his chronic fatigue had left his omega quite docile and cuddly... once they got him back on his feet, Would Eren feel smothered again? He was far too independent for his own dependant good. What if being home all the time lead to them fighting again? What if Eren actually wanted to walk on him when he realised there really wasn't that much substance to him. The buzzing of his phone stopped, only to start again immediately. Levi's voice trembling as he raised the device to his ear and stuttered out "hello". Despite her usual understanding attitude, the end of year stress had gotten to all of them. The woman not happy that he'd run off without telling anyone where he was going on or why... especially when he was supposed to be working. He didn't want to leave Eren. He didn't want to have some nurse scaring the fuck out of him by telling him what was going on with their pup, without explaining everything thoroughly. Yet. Back to work he was forced. He had to call Mike to ask him to take Viren. Hanji was working, and he assumed that maybe Anna was with Marco? He'd asked her not to drop the little girl off to Eren, because he knew Eren was tired... Tired. Not sick. He'd personally had a good feel of Eren's breasts, yet hadn't felt anything there... How the fuck was he supposed to take care of his omega if he missed something like that? It was as if every concern of the last 5 years of knowing Eren, swept in and swamped him all at once. His age. His job. His relationship. His relationships around him. He didn't have clear answers for any of it. He was supposed to know. Yet he didn't have a single clue. He needed Eren to wake up and tell him what the hell he was supposed to do. Eren was his hope. The reason everything around him had changed so drastically. The omega had rounded off his rough edges, and smoothed out the parts of his lacking personality. He'd taught him that the way he saw the world, wasn't the only way to see it. And that the world was so much bigger than he'd ever thought it could be... Maybe things could be ok, if Eren was there... and Viren... Eren would mad if he didn't mention Titan in their family. To a lot of people, that would be a pathetic reason to give up everything, but for those tw-three he'd... Yeah. It was time. Despite his desires to get back to Eren, Levi forced himself to seek out his boss. Erwin had huffed when he'd explained Mike had taken Eren to hospital, and Levi was done with him on the spot. The remainder of his shift spent exchanging the bear minimum to get things done, he didn't even bother to clean the ambulance through once they were done restocking. Finding the woman in her office, he tried to hold his temper back. She had a job to do, and it wasn't her fault that she needed things to run as they should. With an apology that was lacking, yet had all the actual words there and all the feelings he could muster for it, he finally told her he was resigning permanently. Initially she didn't want to take no, until he was forced to bring up Eren and the complication with their pup. She couldn't process the resignation immediately, due to the fact they both had obligations and she had a replacement to find, but promised that by the end of January everything would be settled, and that if he wished to return, there would always be a space open for him. Walking from the depot, there was definitely a bounce in his step that hadn't been there for a long time. A month was a fucking eternity when you had a sick omega that may need to abort a pup, and life that didn't seem to want to settle, but at least his leaving this time wouldn't be the same mess it was the last time he'd quit. Eren had told him to talk it through with everyone around them, yet for the first time in a long time, he felt free of their unwanted, even if well meant, advice. He'd chosen for himself, and at his age, it shouldn't have left him feeling quite as giddy as it did. He hadn't even left for good, and he felt a weight off his shoulders that pushed away his earlier spiralling maelstrom of thoughts. Now to get back to Eren. * Sitting on his bed, Eren had both hands on his stomach as he stared blankly towards the window. They'd had to give him some kind of sedative, which had left him feeling empty. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream or do something. Instead, he was disconnected from his emotions and his omega. He could feel it nudging at the back of his mind, trying to reconnect with no success. Having dozed off and on, he hadn't been sure that Levi had really been there until he'd woken that evening, realising that Viren was no longer by his side. The pain in his head and stomach had eased, as had the nausea. His skin still felt revolting from how much he'd sweated with fever, he'd asked one of the nurses if it was possible to shower, the man replying that "his doctor didn't want him out of bed just yet. Not until they'd assess the growth on the pup". Demanding to know what that had meant, the man hadn't appreciated his snarl, which lead to being sedated as no one wanted to tell him what hell was going on with his own children. The looks of pity shot in his direction sent his stomach rolling, as he realised everyone was acting skittish and secretive around him. He didn't even jump at the light knock on his doorway. Turning toward his alpha with blank eyes. Finally. Finally something close to a tear welled in his eye. Whining softly for his mate, Levi strode to his side, gathering him up against him "Eren" Buried in his lover's scent, he rasped out "Is this my fault?" Levi stiffened against him, before moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside him "No. No, it's not. No one quite knows what causes it" "They... let it slip that there was a growth. Is this because I was on medication? Or because I couldn't eat? Or because there's something wrong with me?" Levi knew. Levi knew what was going on. It was him that didn't. He was the one they didn't trust with the truth "Did they tell you anything?" "Mike did. You were too exhausted to talk earlier. How do you feel now?" "I'm not allowed to get out of bed to shower. I feel gross... Levi, why did this have to happen?" "I've been asking myself the same thing since Mike showed me" "Can you tell me? No one will tell me. They dosed me instead" Levi let out a small growl, causing Eren to whimper. His alpha turning angry in a fraction of second, leaving his soothing scent turning bitter and flooding his mixed up senses with fear "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I wanted to be the one to tell you, so I could explain it all properly. Has Mike been in?" "I don't know. I've been sleeping then drugged" "Alright, here, lay back down and I'll take my boots and jacket off" He didn't want to lay back down, he'd been stuck there all damn day. The blankets felt wrong against his skin. Too itchy and like they were trying to rub his skin off. When he'd thrown up on them, he was brought more of the same. He wanted his blankets. His bed. Stupid Mike "The bed feels gross. I sweated a lot" "Let me pull the sheets back. Let some air in their to help dry things out" "I'm not allowed out of bed" "They probably mean they don't want you walking around. Wait here" Yes. Because he fully intended on doing a runner. The moment Levi release his hold, he felt just as lost and disconnected as he had before his mate had arrived. Levi stripped his bed back, before finding a chair for them to use. Sitting on his alpha's lap, Levi was content with having his arms wrapped around him "Sacrococcygeal teratoma. That's what it's called. Essentially it's a tumour at the base of the spine that causes "abnormal" growth. They don't know what exactly causes it, but it's thought it's from when we were evolving from monkeys. There's a few different types, Mike hazarded a guess that it was type one, which is probably the best type to have..." "But" "SCT's are known to go through a period of rapid growth between the 18th and 26th weeks. Mike showed me the scans. They're not great..." "But it... I didn't see anything on the last one. He didn't see anything on the last one" "I know. And I know Mike feels bad" "He said everything was ok!" "Shhh... shhh, I know" "What... what happens now?" "Mike is going to make some calls" "And then what?" Levi paused, he didn't like the pause "Levi? What happens next? What happens with our pups?!" "Shhh, calm down for me. I know you're freaking out. Our pups are fraternal. Two seperate little lives growing together" "I know that" "Well, it means that... if things don't improve, that... the pup will have to be aborted" Aborted. That word had been in his life way too often in the past months. If he'd just gone ahead and aborted, they never would known it was three pups, and their little pup wouldn't be hurting like this... "I..." "Don't even say it. Ok. No. I'm happy you're pregnant. I'm happy it's twins and we'll work this out" "How?" "The same way you should be doing everything, and that's together" "It's just... it's not fair... Hanji's first round of IVF didn't take... and I had three pups... and..." "No. Don't go there. Ok. This dirty old alpha loves you" Levi was trying to make him feel better, even though he knew how much this was hurting his alpha. Fuck. He had to stop crying in front of him. Levi was just as precious as Viren. He didn't want them seeing him like this anymore. He was too miserable and tired for jokes, still, we weakly forced out the words "You forgot "Perverted"" "There's that. You feel cold. Why didn't you tell me you were feeling so sick?" "I was tired. I didn't even know about the infection until... after I was brought in... Fuck. I need to apologise to Mike" "Eren, you don't have to change the topic" "I... I don't want to cry right now. Do you have your phone?" "Why?" "I want to look it up... I hate the way they look at me Levi. They all know and I don't" "I don't know if that's a good idea" "It's my pup too!" Yelling at his mate, he regretted it immediately. Sliding from Levi's lap, he moved to crawl back on to his unmade bed "Eren" "No. It's fine. I'm a dumb omega after all. Why would they tell me anything?" "Don't be like that" "They all think I'm too stupid to make my own choices or understand. I mean, why else wouldn't they tell me anything" "Because you're sick. You have an infection that neither of us picked up. You've been in and out of consciousness. You had a fever. You've been vomiting and dehydrated. You even had a bleed. I can think of a hundred reasons why they would have wanted to control you fever and stabilise you before talking about it!" Biting his lip, Eren knew he deserved it "I need to see because I can't understand. I need to know what is happening to the pup. To your pup" "Our pup. Eren, I'm really..." "So you don't want me to know either" "I didn't say that" "You didn't have to! I get it! Keep the stupid incubator out of the loop!" "You know that's not it at all. This is why I wanted to tell you, myself. If you hadn't snapped at me, what I was going to say was I'm not sure you want to sit up there. It's still drying" "Oh..." "Are you going to come back down here?" "If you're here, can I go to the bathroom?" "You need the bathroom?" Yelling wasn't great for his bladder, neither had been moving" "Yeah... then can you show me, what's happening to the pup?" "I'll have to call a nurse to disconnect your IV" "Can't you? I don't want to see anyone..." "Eren..." "Please. I'll be good?" "You haven't been bad to begin with..." "And maybe I can shower" "You can pee" "I smell" "I'll talk to them about letting you shower, and if you can, I'll help you shower. For now, just stay still" Levi swore at the IV colourfully, as he disconnected and capped it, and his cannula. Eren was sooo close to being able to walk... it was like 2 metres, it wasn't going to do any harm. But noooo... Levi carried him into the bathroom, sitting him down on the toilet, before staring down at him "I'm not peeing with you watching" "Seriously?" "I'm not you. I don't randomly walk in while someone's showering to pee" "We've both seen every inch of each other's body. We've both exchanged every bodily fluid possible" "And I don't want to pee in front of you" Levi rolled his eyes "Lee, please just let me pee alone. You can even flush the toilet if you have to" "I just don't want you walking around" "I am peeing. Not walking" "Fine. I'll be right outside" Peeing was a beautiful thing, his bladder appreciative. He couldn't stomach looking at his stomach. He couldn't bare the guilt. He hadn't known anything was wrong with his pups... he'd thought things were fine... he'd thought his growing pains and spotting were fine... he'd had them with Viren... Things had been looking up. Especially after his dance wind up. Levi was possessive, but understanding. He'd finally understood why dancing the way he had, and why it'd been important to him all along... He'd thought his fatigue was just because of two little lives growing. Even Levi had thought it was normal... neither of them had thought anything wrong with his swelling breasts, both were tender... Mike must have found the small lump... Hanji's shift must have started after he'd already been transferred up to the ward... He really hated that people were touching his body without his permission while he was unconscious. Carried back out to the visitors chair, he was hooked back up to the stupid IV. He was ready for bed all over again, but had to know what was happening "I know you don't like it" "You're right. Can you show me?" "I looked it up at work..." "Show me" "Alright. Just know, we don't know for sure it's going to be as bad as what's in the photos" "You're terrible at hiding your feelings" Levi moved behind him, resting his head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him. His mate had already loaded the google images, while Eren's lip quivered. He hated to think of the pups suffering. Pups that hadn't done anything wrong... and even worse, pups that hadn't survived... He'd seen this before, he just hadn't know what it was called. His father had had so many books and files... He probably had to be ready for anything... "L-Lee..." "I know. We won't know anything more until more tests are run" "They... they killed a pup and mum" "What do you mean?" "G-Grisha had... a child like this. I mean... delivered. The mum died during birth" Levi locked his phone, throwing it on their bed, to hold him properly "No. Eren. No. This isn't anything like that place. You're here, in hospital. You're in better hands than his. You're not alone through this, and there a things that can be done" "Yeah. An abortion" "We don't know it'll get that far..." "Levi, if Mike's saying it, then he thinks it will. What the fuck is wrong with me?" "Nothing. Nothing at all, Eren. We should get the nurses in to change your bed for you. You're feeling warm again" Levi wanted to go. Of course he did. He'd been working and Eren had taken up his time. He probably just wanted to go home to Viren. The one child he'd gotten right... "Y-you should go home" "I'm not going home" "You have work, and Viren. Where is he?" "With Mike. I waited all day to see you again" "I don't want to mess with your shifts" He was giving Levi an out, that he could take and not feel guilty over... So why wasn't he taking it "I'm staying with you. Let me get those nurses" Something for his infection and returning fever was run through his IV line, while Levi laid next to him. It was nice to know it wasn't just him who thought the hospital blankets were awful, but he was filled with dread when Levi promised to bring his blankets in tomorrow. Levi wouldn't be bringing in blankets if he wasn't going to be trapped here for a while. He probably would have been able to get more out of Levi, if he hadn't kept dozing off. He didn't even know he did, not until he woke to find Hanji forcing food on Levi. It stunk. Spicy Thai still wasn't his most favourite food in the world, and had way too memories associated to it "Eren! Why didn't you tell me you were here? I have food, can you eat? Are you allowed to eat? Where's your chart?" Pinching his nose, the awful cannula had been shoved back up it. Groaning, he wanted them both to fuck off "You're upsetting him" "Your face is upsetting him. You should have called me, I would have come right over" "He called Mike. Probably so he didn't have to see your shitty face" "Levi, you wound me" Now Hanji knew what was going on... She had to if she was here. She knew... Couldn't he just have time to process this? Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the bickering pair "Eren, you ok?" "I'm hoping you're both going to be gone when I open my eyes" Levi laughed, while Hanji gasped "I bring food and this is all the love I get! I'm hurt!" "You had it coming" Maybe if he kept his eyes closed, they really would disappear "I really should go find your chart..." He didn't want that "Hanji. He has an infection. He's going to be fine. They're only keeping him in because he's pregnant" "You two are hiding something from me" "Hanji..." So she didn't know? She just knew he was here... Levi's voice was gentle growl "What? I'm worried about my boy and my two little pups. Infections can cause all kinds of complications, and this pregnancy had a rough start" "Hanji, drop it" "I knew there was something going on. Talk to me. I am a doctor after all" "Hanji, he's had a long day. Let him rest" "I'll just have to..." "Leave it alone" "I want to help" "He needs rest" "He can rest, while you tell me" "Look, just let him rest. He just woke up" "Why won't you tell me?" "Mike has things under control" The joking had faded, Hanji sounded slightly hurt and offended. Levi still trying to defend him, but Eren was too tired for this shit. Everyone seemed to think he couldn't process and cope, or understand things. He didn't understand and he wasn't coping, but he and Levi deserved some kind of privacy... or not "Seriously? What is going on with you two? Why did you call Mike? Eren, you know I would have come right away... You know you can talk to me about things" Levi sighed, his alpha taking a deep breath "Because..." "Because?" Parroting Levi's start of whatever his reply was going to be, Hanji got on his last nerve. Eren snapped "Because I need to have a fucking abortion. Ok. I'm stupid and I have to have an abortion!... I have to have an abortion, and I stupidly thought that we could have some privacy, but I guess I'm too stupid for that. Now. Can you please go? I want to be alone, in a room that doesn't stink" "An abortion?" "Hanji, this isn't a good time" "Why didn't you tell me sooner? What's going on? I'm sure..." Grabbing his pillow from under his head, he threw it as hard as possible "Go away!" Levi's wonderfully cool palm came to his forehead, he wanted to nuzzle up against it. He wanted his alpha's touch... but right now, it was too much "Eren. I told you..." "Levi. You said that I could ask for space" "I don't think you should be alone right now" "I want to be alone" To sleep. With no smelly food that reminded him of Zeke and no guilt over Levi being stuck here "Eren" "Please Lee, just go... I want to sleep" Kissing his lips, Levi sighed softly "I love you. I'll be in tomorrow. I know it's scary, but we'll get through this" "I..." He couldn't bring himself to tell Levi he loved him back. He didn't want to tie his mate down "I know you love me. I'll bring your phone in before work tomorrow. You can text me anything. Any questions and you can tell me what's going on. I love you" I love you. But he said nothing about the pups inside of him... Did this mean Levi didn't want them anymore? He didn't understand anything. Leaving, Levi took Hanji with him. Despite how exhausted he was, sleep was slow coming in its return as he chewed his lip bloody with guilt.

[thedaycourts]

(completed) acowar liveblog

ACOWAR LIVE BLOG (SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY)

spoilers will be ahead... you have been warned

feel free to message me to talk about the book!

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5/1/17 11:22pm- someone help me I've literally preordered the ebook and the hardcover (which hasn't even shipped yet ugh) and I'm so prepared 

5/1/17 11:31pm- I've read the first 8 sample chapters so. many. times... i'm ready for the real thing now pls thx bye

5/2/17 12:06am- IT TOOK TILL 12:06 FOR THE EBOOK TO RELEASE OMG MIDNIGHT RELEASE MY BUTT SMH

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chapters 1-8: i kinda like jurian actually (maybe ill regret saying that idk), lucien being protective of elain is making my heart warm, tamlin makes me wanna kill someone, feyre shouldve cut ianthe’s throat tbh, the twins give out such weird vibes, AND OMG rhys and feyre sending images of themselves sticking their tongues out is my moodboard i love it so much

chapter 9: “Blood rubies or no, you will always have one friend in the Summer Court.” My throat bobbed. “And you will always have one in mine,” I promised her. She knew which court I meant. And did not look afraid. I LOVE ALIS OK SHE IS ACCEPTING AND PROTECTIVE AND AMAZING

ianthe needs to get her filthy hands off of lucien before i strangle her

LUCIEN AND FEYRE GOING TO THE NIGHT COURT TOGETHER HECK TO THE YES 

chapter 12: @luciens brothers can you go die pls ok thx bye

chapter 13: CASSIAN IS OK AND SO IS AZ ADHEIOFHJKFAJ MY LIFE IS SLOWLY PIECING ITSELF BACK TOGETHER

“i am the high lady of the night court” hECK YES YOU ARE

the tender cassian and feyre hug made me sob even more and then the mor hug hauidfghuajkshcdfa the feels

chapter 14: I AM SOBBING I AM S O B B I N G AT THIS FEYSAND REUNION HELP MY POOR BROKEN SOUL

also omg just imagine lucien watching this reunion bc i think his expression would be absolutely priceless

chapter 15: “I was in love with Feyre,” Rhys said quietly, “long before she ever returned the feeling.” whats that noise??? oh yeah its just the sound of my heart breaking no big deal

“I revealed the mating bond months later—and she gave me hell for it, don’t worry.” hA 

LUCIEN CALLING AMREN A CRANKY OLD AUNT OMG

chapter 16: poor nesta and elain omg no 

i really need to know whats going on between nesta and cassian bc theres def something there hehe

chapter 17: MOR AND CASSIAN AND STICKING THEIR TONGUES OUT TO EACH OTHER TOO NOW OMG FIRST FEYRE AND RHYS AND NOW THEM WHAT IS HAPPENING

chapter 18: “defending the female he loved”  PLS JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY @MOR @AZRIEL 

“our family” MY HEART IS MELTING HELP I JUST WANT MY BABIES TO BE HAPPY

“It was the first time you had looked … peaceful. Like you were indeed awake, alive again. I was so relieved I thought I’d puke right onto the table.” GUYS RHYS CARES SO MUCH ABOUT FEYRE LIKE PLS REALIZE HE WAS SO ECSTATIC THAT SHE LOOKED ALIVE AGAIN HE WANTED TO PUKE BC HE CARES ABOUT HER SO. FREAKING. MUCH.

“I will fight with everything I have, too, Rhys. Everything.” why do i have the feeling this is foreshadowing something that i am not going to like at all

chapter 19: “Why should I be scared of an oversized bat who likes to throw temper tantrums?” this is how true love starts out 400% you go nesta 

chapter 21: oh dang it here goes the nightmares starting up again

chapter 22: feyre sees the bone carver as their son omg what can this please happen

chapter 23: “Nothing about Nesta could frighten me.” *cue me audibly going awwwwww*

chapter 24: “She was the most beautiful female he’d ever seen.” This seems to be a common way of thinking when people look at their mates hehe throwback to acotar

az is such a bean like who else is awesome enough to wait 500 years for the girl he loves 

chapter 26: AZRIEL PUTTNG HIS HAND ON TOP OR MOR’S DURING THE MEETING WITH KIER OMG WHY MUST SHE REJECT HIS TENDER HAND TOUCH

chapter 27: mor being depressed bc of what she witnessed at the meeting makes me wanna cry

omg the inner court arguing what is this

chapter 29: tbh az reminds me of myself so much and i think we have the same MBTI personality type((:

chapter 30: the heck is hybern’s little minions doing in velaris nonunion go home you aren't allowed here

chapter 32: NESTA IS A SEER WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

chapter 33: “He did not glance back at Elain. Did not see the half step she took toward the stairs—as if she’d speak to him. Stop him.” elucien for rulers of the autumn court pls

chapter 34: varian warning amren??? they're friends?? so they keep in touch?? hmmmmmmm sounds suspicious(((;

chapter 36: KING OF HYBERN VS RHYS OMG WHAT AM I ABOUT TO WITNESS

oh jk he wasn't really there oops

chapter 38: I think tarquin should forgive them especially since they came to his rescue but hey thats just me

chapter 39: “And it was precisely because of it that I said, “I love you.” His head lifted, eyes churning. “There was a time when I dreamed of hearing that,” he murmured. “When I never thought I’d hear it from you.” 

nesta being worried ab cassian ahhhhhh

chapter 42: nesta being named emissary omg i love it

“And to my eternal shock, a smile tugged at Nesta’s mouth.” ahaha

GAMBLING ON THE FIGHTS AT THE MEETING AHAHA WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED AT ALL

chapter 43: this viviane girl seems cool.. i hope she doesn't end up stabbing my babies in the back:)))

ew no i was perfectly fine with having tamlin absent for the remainder of the book

same @feyre who is 500% done with tamlin and his crap 

chapter 45: NESTA STANDING UP FOR CASSIAN AND SASSING OUT BERON IS THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 

chapter 47: I'm beginning to really like helion

chapter 48: too bad i already saw spoilers so i knew helion was luciens dad smhhhhhhh

ok but like if nesta thinks something is wrong, shouldn't you have learned by now that something is usually wrong???????

wow would ya look at that...something was wrong *scowls*

chapter 52: where the frick frackle jensen ackle did jurian come from 

chapter 53: ok but i totally called jurian being good

....tamlin still being a tool i see 

chapter 55: they keep mentioning their dad so i have a feeling he's in trouble/being held captive

chapter 56: nesta helping heal cass omg yes

YES MY GIRL SURI

chapter 58: I've never wanted ianthe dead more,,,,WHO DARES SHOOT MY GIRL SURI HREIAOFHJAKEF FIGHT ME

chapter 60: i literally bawled so much when suri died omg i sounded like a dying horse

chapter 61: this episode of honestly hour features feyre and mor going head-to-head about decisions and relationships... stay tuned for the next episode

chapter 62: amren and varian kissing hm how do i feel ab this

chapter 63: ELAIN IS AN ACTUAL SUNSHINE WHO DARES TAKE HER AWAY (of course its az my little bean who notices she's gone)

also I'm betting ten bucks lucien will find her and save her (prolly not gonna happen but it would be cute if he did)

chapter 64: EW SHE HAS TO BE IANTHE WOW THATS UNFORTUNATE

rhys and feyre’s goodbyes felt more like a pep talk than a sad goodbye but thats just me

ok thanks for saving feyre @tamlin but for the record i still hate you

chapter 65: omg nesta hugging feyre and all the sisters being all nice and cuddly makes me so happy

chapter 66: the moriel shipping part of me is very sad but yunno maybe this means i can keep az for myself (or elain can have him idk which direction sarah will take this) and mor can be eternally happy((:

sooooo does this mean elain x az is now gonna happen bc like az is gonna need someone to help heal the hole in his heart and elain is such a sweetie but what about lucien????

chapter 68: but are we ever gonna know what feyre saw in the mirror?

chapter 69: tender az and elain moment omg that was so cute i love my smol beans

“I would have waited five hundred more years for you. A thousand years. And if this was all the time we were allowed to have … The wait was worth it.” AWEEE

rhys and his lil speeches to everyone dang what is this

chapter 70: “And then Nesta began screaming. Not in pain. But a name. Over and over. “CASSIAN.” IM SUCH NESSIAN TRASH IDOFHAJDKFA

chapter 71: “This was it. The last moments … the last time I would see them all.” nothings even happened yet and I'm already crying

“He told me that he’s got three daughters who live here. And that he failed them for many years. But he would not fail them this time.” well shoot i have no words rn and tbh i kinda forgot their dad existed the past few chapters

chapter 72: “She wrapped her arms tightly around Cassian, those gray-blue eyes bright, then they were gone.” THEY GIVE ME LIFEEEE YESSSS

chapter 73: OK AMREN WHAT ARE YA DOIN???

chapter 74: ....welp... bye bye mr archeron thanks for saving my babies and also wHERE THE FRICK DID YOU COME FROM?? nesta and elain and feyre being sad is making me sad

OK WHY IS CASSIANS WINGS GETTING HURT AGAIN??? i feel like this is sarah starting a new thing like “hey! lets just end every book with cassian’s wings getting ripped to shreds!!”

“I have no regrets in my life, but this.” His voice shook with every word. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.” FRICK OMG THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE MOMENT I BECAME COMPLETE NESSIAN TRASH. AND THEN THE KISS. OH MY. I CANT. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

and elain coming to the rescue omg heck to the yes

chapter 75: nesta stabbing the king is tHE BEST. i can't just feel the pure rage and emotion radiating out of her as she twists the blade in his neck. think of the people she's doing it for. her dad, her sisters, her new family, cassian. this scene gives me so many feels

amren saying she's glad she met feyre awe

chapter 76: AHHHH RHYS IM SOBBING NO FEYRE HDAUKHJD AHHHH WHY DID RHYS DIE ON PAGE 666

chapter 77: feyre screaming for rhys nononononono i feel my soul shattering

rhys was DEAD and he comes back making a JOKE....why is this not surprising

chapter 78: lucien is back ahhhh it feels like he was gone for the whole book tbh

yes drakon and miryam hauifheajkdfhajfha

chapter 81: RHYSAND’S POV YESSSS

talking about feyre’s “beautiful laugh” ahhhhhh they're sooooo cuteeee

chapter 82: i LOVE the fact the book ended with them all peaceful. they deserve it. i love everyone. i am happy. goodbye.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 5)

Morning brought with it a blisteringly hot and unbearably bright wave of sunlight all over Candela and the still unnamed expanse of mountains and bedrock it stood on, made tolerable and more importantly, nonlethal to pretty much any biological creature by the magical barrier now covering the city.

Vehicles outside of the borders rushed to the loading bays or the few outposts and smaller settlements scattered in the wasteland, trying to outrun the sunlight, keep themselves from being stranded till nightfall, where they’d have to pray they wouldn’t die from a failure in their heat shielding, boredom, or their fellow passengers.

Machines within the city started powering on and rolling out: construction bots ready to work at incredible speed and efficiency so long as the sun was up, dirigibles that sprayed condensation and precipitation to mimic clouds and water the city’s greenery, the many forms of public transportation to deliver the vast majority of daytime-preferring citizens to wherever they needed to go.

Drones, appliances, and human workers began to brew gallons upon gallons of coffee, tea, hot chocolate and other breakfast beverages of choice. Young children were being rushed along by their parents and guardians to make it to their classes on time, and their own jobs and obligations afterward. People enjoying leisurely breakfasts, exercising in the plazas and the gardens, or standing in jam-packed trams or sitting in (supposedly) ergonomically designed seats mostly listened to the tunes of “Good Morning Avalon,” or the daytime segments of their news station of choice.

The artificial lights of the city turned off and the flashier video ads turned to much less complex versions, their power being redirected to more important systems, the ones that kept its constantly growing population from dying of solar radiation, overheating, and in a handful of locations, being instantaneously vaporized by a slowly traveling beam of concentrated sunlight.

The view from Manor Schnee turned from a grossly incandescent beacon in pitch-black darkness, to a radiant monument of life, culture, and technology amid a barren wasteland, broken only by the tops of the tallest trees in the Viridian Valley.

It would have been a comforting sight, if both Weiss and Winter didn’t know that the Keeper was perfectly capable of terrorizing and slaying her victims in broad daylight, she just preferred to do it in the cover of night.

There was a knocking on Winter’s bedroom door.

The both of them flinched and screamed, jittery, nervous, and all too aware of every last bump, creak, thump, and other suspicious noise in the vicinity. Weiss whimpered, and buried her face back in her sister’s chest; Winter picked up one of the empty wine bottles beside her, ready to smash it into the wall and use it as a weapon.

The intercom crackled to life.

“Mses. Schnee,” a butler said, “your father wishes to see you both at the dining hall for breakfast in an hour. He understands that recent events have… err… weighed heavily on the both of you and caused a not insignificant amount of distress, and he consequently he wishes to discuss them with you.

“He has also asked me to emphasize that this is not a request.”

“Should the both of you require any assistance, we, your servants, are standing by, ready to help with anything you should want or need!”

“On a related note: Ms. Weiss, Chief Tov wishes to see you in their office as soon as possible. They wish to speak with you about a… unexpected visitor they detected in your bedroom as of a few hours ago. They have asked me to tell you that they’ve ‘Not a bleedin’ clue whatever THAT was, but I’m pretty bloody sure it’s VERY bad.’”

The intercom shut off. Winter slowly put down the bottle, ignored it when it tipped over and rolled off somewhere.

Weiss pulled her head out of her chest and looked up at her, eyes puffy and red from crying, dark circles underneath. “What do we do, sis?” she whimpered.

Winter sighed. “What else?: We get ready for breakfast with Father.”

Weiss balked. “You can’t be serious!”

Winter sighed. “I really wish I wasn’t, sis.”

“Can’t we find some way to get out of this?” Weiss asked.

“Not without making things worse. The way I see it, we’ve got two choices:

“One, we can go to breakfast like he asked, and hope that we can convince him to abandon any plans of revenge and/or trying to be the first human to settle the Valley, and more so, that the Keeper will keep her word.

“Or Two, we can stay here, wait to pass out from exhaustion, have Father become incredibly angry at being stood up, be forced to show up to lunch or dinner instead, then try to convince him not to anger the Keeper more than he already has while he will most definitely feel MUCH less inclined to agree with us.”

Weiss sighed. “So either way, we lose.”

Winter patted her on the shoulder. “If there’s anything the Queensguard have taught me, it’s that more often than not your only choices are ‘Bad’ and ‘Worse,’ and you better get used to choosing Bad,” she said as she started to get up. “Come on, sis, let’s go get ready for breakfast...”

Weiss sighed and reluctantly obeyed, pulling her head out of Winter’s lap.

“Is Jordan still on staff?” Winter said as she braced herself against the wall.

“Father won’t let anyone else do his make-up,” Weiss replied as she stretched out her legs, winced at the sensation pins and needles.

“Good,” Winter mumbled, “because she’s going to be integral to what I’ve got planned...”

In her letters and their rare live video chats with one another, Winter had always talked about how many tactics and shortcuts the Queensguard had for looking presentable and agreeable even if you had just come back from a sleepless, 72-hour-straight mission in the most dangerous and unstable regions of Avalon.

Make-up tricks to hide even the worst signs of fatigue and distress, and even make you look like you weren’t long past the end of your rope, if not exactly fully-charged and ready for anything. Recipes for concoctions meant to temporarily cure hangovers or dull the worst of its effects, make you completely awake and your thoughts coherent enough until you could crash for a good long time, or even improvised perfumes to hide the fact that you hadn’t spent nearly enough time in the shower. Quick and dirty meditation, psychological tricks, and specific tactics and guidelines for how to do the least amount of social interaction, with the least amount of effort or willpower, while looking the least rude and cranky possible.

They were so incredibly effective that the servants that hadn’t them earlier didn’t even seem to notice that anything was wrong with either of them, much more that their whole worlds were rapidly falling apart before their very eyes, and their lives ending much sooner, more suddenly, and more violently than either of them had ever imagined.

Even their Father seemed clueless or didn’t see anything too bad to merit specific notice, and Jacques Schnee prided himself on his ability to read people, deftly pushing all the right buttons, bringing out the strengths of his allies and employees, and mercilessly attacking the weaknesses of his enemies and competitors.

(To be fair, though, he never did devote as much time nor energy to his daughters as he did them.)

“Weiss, Winter,” he said, looking up from his tablet long enough to nod at them before he returned to it and whatever was on the surface.

In spite of the luxurious, tempting spread of oven-fresh breads, perfectly smoked and fried meats, and freshly picked and perfectly sliced fruits and vegetables before him and arranged specifically for his view at the head of the table, his plate was empty, and his customary mug of coffee untouched and still in its protective bubble.

“Father,” Winter said as she took her old seat, the one just to the left of him.

Weiss said nothing as she sat in the one next to her, a distance of at least one chair between her and her father as always.

Servants came to offer them refreshment and recommendations about which particular offerings they would do well to start their breakfast with, but they both refused and waved them off—they weren’t feeling very hungry, either. Both human and robotic staff lingered for a while longer, until they decided their presence was unneeded, or they automatically returned to their docks from lack of input.  

Silence lingered for a few moments more, until Jacques finally put his tablet down. “I’m going to be sending another prospecting team in three days time,” he said. “Weiss, you are no longer allowed to join it or any other expedition outside of this city—not until you are 18, and without a serious discussion between you and I once more.”

No courtesies, such as asking they partake of some food first.

No inquiries about how they were feeling.

No polite conversation about the weather, a topic to lead-in the heart of the matter, or a vague hook to test the waters.

Just a firm, clear declaration of what he was going to do, without hesitation nor doubt, the trait experts said his investors found most appealing about him.

“You can’t be serious,” Weiss said flatly.

“It’s for your own safety, Weiss,” her Father replied. “I was vastly mistaken in how effective your guards would be, and I’d rather not risk your life again; you may entertain this newfound adventuring spirit of yours when you are of legal age.”

“This isn’t about me, this is about the Keeper!” Weiss screamed.

Jacques looked at her in a mixture of annoyance and contempt. “Not you too...” he muttered, his gaze wandering over to Winter.

“Father, you need to stay out of the Viridian Valley, as with everyone else in Avalon! Haven’t you lost enough money on this venture? Weren’t you there to see the injuries those mercenaries sustained? Doesn’t the fact that Weiss almost got killed there bother you in the slightest?!”

Slam!

“ENOUGH OF THIS!” Jacques roared, his closed fist shaking on the table. “Winter, I had thought these delusions of of a mythological creature--”

“She’s NOT a myth!” Weiss screeched. “I’ve SEEN her! I’ve TALKED to her! And she’s going to KILL US ALL if your ego is more precious than you and your family’s lives!”

“Father, PLEASE!” Winter cried, absolute terror in her eyes. “Just this once, just this once, can’t you please just find it in your heart to just believe us?!”

Jacques Schnee gritted his teeth, his whole body shaking, his eyes glaring icy cold daggers at his daughters. He slammed his palms on the table and rocketed off his seat, sending his sturdy, wooden chair crashing to the floor.

All the human servants winced as the sound echoed throughout the dining hall. Then, all was deathly silent, the tension in the air so thick the weaker-willed among them suddenly found it hard to breath.

“Whatever is lurking in that valley, I will annihilate them, and show the survivors why you do not antagonize the Schnee Power Company,” Jacques growled, before he turned around, and left.

Ruin was coming, alright—just not for the Valley.

[erraticprojectjunkie]

Currently: October 18, 2017

Yep. Usually Currently posts are slated for Sundays. But...when have I ever been one to follow the rules (even if they are my own)? I skipped out on topics for Top Ten Tuesday and Top 5 Wednesday this week partially because they just didn't grab me and partially because the Boy and I have both been fairly under the weather for about a week. I have been a serious slug. So...partially because I didn't do this post on Sunday and partially because there is a HUGE readathon event going on this weekend, I'm posting a Currently post in the middle of the week. And because...hey...why not? Weather:  We are experiencing fairly nice fall weather this week. Word is that it will be our last one before the snow starts flying. Yeesh. Time goes by too quickly. (Additionally, I would be totally okay if the snow holds off for a bit longer.) Today it was pretty and sunny out. It stayed in the low 60s with a soft little breeze. Not too bad if you're out in jeans and a hoodie. I went out briefly when one of the pigs was threatening to escape. Other than that, I've been holed up in the house with this ridiculous cold. The sun, however, beamed pretty strongly into our southern facing windows, so it was a nice and toasty 78 in here. You'd think it was late August. I had to open a few windows to cool it down a bit. Seems like such an odd thing to do in northern Minnesota in mid-October. Watching: It took us two nights due to a cranky and sick baby and honestly not feeling so chipper ourselves, but we had a relaxing couch viewing of The Age of Adaline on Amazon. I'd been wanting to watch it for quite a while and, though I wasn't originally sure how it would go, turns out we both enjoyed it. It was nice to just unwind for a few minutes while still doing something together. Reading: I have a teensy, tiny bit of The Lauras left to read. I'm mulling over my opinion about it...we'll have to see how it wraps up. Meanwhile, I have about five (!) pages of notes on it. Apparently I'm getting a bit better about keeping a book journal. Once I finish The Lauras, it's time to get (finally) started on Slade House. It took forever for it to show up in the mail and I'm already missing out on group discussion for RIP XII. Gah! Now I have to be careful to avoid spoilers. With any luck, I'll have enough readathon time to wrap it up this weekend and get back into the RIP swing. Listening: I flipped on my Spotify yesterday while I was getting ready. I had the Boy in the bathroom with me and he was feeling a bit off, so I wanted something to soothe him. The playlist of choice? Nothing fancy...really just some Beatles tunes with a bit of solo John Lennon thrown in. It was a nice change to have some music filling the air while we got set for the day. While I won't be doing it every day, it is definitely something that can liven up an otherwise slow or painful morning. Learning: I am devouring the web for ideas on how to finally put together my own bullet journal. I've been contemplating starting one for a long while now, but just haven't gotten my guts up. I have all of the supplies: some great notebooks, some good pens, a pack of twistable colored pencils...I've just let myself get held back by the fear of imperfection. Ha. As if I would ever be fully satisfied with any form of bullet journal I managed to create. I have a feeling that I will still feel the pull towards a notebook that I can add to and remove pages from, we'll see how I do with my first foray. I will admit that I'm a bit put off by the fact that I'm starting it at a super odd time of the year, so it won't be a January - December thing, but honestly...I'm always going to look for an excuse, so it's going to be time to just jump in. Making: I'm super dragging my feet on finishing up my canning. Pathetic. I have a small pile of pumpkins, a butternut squash, and a few acorn squash sitting on the step just waiting to be processed. I also have yet to pull my carrots. It's going to have to happen in the next two days. This stuff needs to be done, dang it! It's not really "making" anything...more like getting rid of something, but I've been working on weeding through my saved Facebook posts and the pile of Pinterest emails that I have accumulated over the last few months. Holy crap, it takes forever! It does feel somewhat accomplishing to hit that unsave or delete option though. Thinking/Feeling: To be blunt, I feel like garbage. This cold is killing me. It's been nearly a week and I just feel drained. My head is pounding and my body is super achy. I have a ridiculous cough and every once in a while my nose decides to start running like a faucet. The Boy isn't his chipper self either. He's been waking up between 6 and 7 times a night because he's honestly just so miserable. Between getting up with him and being stuck awake because of my own incessant coughing, I've been averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. Not the best when you have a cold. Luckily, his fever has subsided. Mine seems to be making intermittent returns, though of a less intense nature each time. I really hope that we're nearly fully on the mend by this weekend. It would be great if we both felt somewhat normal tomorrow since I have some plans for us, darn it. I'm also feeling some serious anticipation for the weekend. The 10th Anniversary run of Dewey's 24 hour Readathon is this weekend. For my time zone (Central US), it starts at 7am on Saturday and runs through 7am on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to it. It's one of my favorite readathons. I probably won't read through the whole 24 hours, instead treating it a bit more like the 24 in 48 readathon and reading as much as I can for all of Saturday and Sunday. It's just the way the cookie crumbles when Gary has to work all weekend and the Boy and I are running this show together. The good news is that I will have myself a bit of a readathon partner, so there will be some children's books thrown in the mix to break up my own reading. Wanting/Needing: A maid? Can I just put that out there? I really hate having strangers in my house. Even more so, ones that will judge my cleanliness or lack thereof. But after a week of not feeling up to things, I could super use a one day housekeeper to just put things back together. If they could also repair the dishwasher that currently refuses to close, that would be even better. You never realize how ridiculously fantastic it is to have a machine that cleans and dries all of the darned pots and pans and eight thousand cups and spoons until you don't. Loving: My best buddy right now is orange Gatorade. It's my go to when I'm not feeling right. It may be total crap for my teeth, but at least I'm staying hydrated, right? While I'm not thrilled that he feels miserable and is definitely more whiny and less happy than usual, it's nice to know that the Boy still wants to snuggle up. I'm the one he wants to hang out with. The clinginess makes it hard to get things done, but he's so stinking cute. And he tries so hard to be himself. He's a really good boy and I'm super lucky.  Planning: All the things. Let's see... I'm hoping to go with my little family to a pumpkin patch tomorrow. We'll see how the weather is and how everyone is feeling. It would be nice to get some more fall pictures of B. I also need to make a Costco run. I have a box of requested goodies for a birthday that can only be purchased in this area of the nation and need to be shipped back to Idaho next week. That is big, important, top priority stuff. Besides...this gives me an excuse to buy Costco candy for this week's readathon. I'm really hoping to get my bullet journal off the ground in the next week or two. Is it sad that I have to plan my planner before I can make my planner? I swear, sometimes I'm a raging disaster. And OF COURSE I'm planning on taking part in Dewey's 24-hour Readathon! I'll post a prep post a bit before start time (probably the night before) that will spell out all of my plans for the weekend. I'm still working out the details on how I'm going to manage my time and what books (and even more importantly, snacks) will be on the agenda. If you're a reader (even if you can only participate for an hour or two), go on over and check it out. Join in on the fun! I promise...this is a good one. What about you? What does your "Currently" look like? This post originally appeared on Erratic Project Junkie and is copyrighted by Elle. Find EPJ on Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Goodreads

[journal-of-j34n31]

friday, july 21 2017

4:11 AM;

okay, technically it’s saturday the 22nd. however, all these events happened on the written date above SO. damn has my life been crazyyy. let’s start with what happened the night before. me and ae were on facetime and trying to cop these new shoes (adidas x henry poole). although that mission was a bust, it had me late night thinking and simping about how much i miss his presence, as well as how happy he makes me. (sidenote, me and av were catching up like old times. sending tweets and shit to each other and it was actually kind of nice) being such a late night, i thought it’d be super amaze beans if i sent that random appreciation text to adrian. unfortunately, i ended up crashing before i could. i woke up without a text message from him so i figured he was not awake yet. this was the perfect opportunity to send out that text. so this is what i came up with after two hours of trying to figure out what to say, how to say it, etc:

good morning baby! i was planning on sending this after you fell asleep but my phone died and i crashed waiting for it to turn back on 😅 anyways i just wanted to say thank you for everything you have done for me because no one has ever treated me as good as you or taken care of me the way that you do. i am so genuinely happy and i promise it's all because of you. no one has ever given me that in the past 18 years. it makes me happy just being in your presence alone. i am so so so grateful that i can truly say i look at you as so much more than my boyfriend. babeee, you're my best mf friend. like ken is continually saying, you are like a boy version of me (even though we still clearly have many differences). i find every single thing about you perfect, even the things you may not like about yourself. it may sound weird or whatever but it's crazy how the things you say have an effect on me more than anyone else's. maybe because i know the things you say to me are sincere, but that's why it means so much to me. no matter what mood i'm in, you can always change that. especially when i'm cranky or upset, you are patient with me. you know the right things to say when i need comfort and security. i feel so safe knowing i can go to you for whatever, whenever, and you will be right there. you have shown/taught me things that no one else ever has and you have pushed me to become a better version of myself. i love the fact that there is always so much more to you that others, including myself, haven't seen yet because it's exciting. you got me feeling so much for you that i have never felt towards anyone else, which it's scary. however, you are giving me constant reassurance that everything i put into this relationship is given back to me. you don't make me feel stupid for the little things like wanting to keep that streak of seeing you everyday. it means so much more to me than a streak. it shows me how you would stop at nothing to go that extra mile just to see me once a day, even if that means for a little bit. the smallest things you do means so much to me, especially because i have a habit of overthinking a lot. you might think that me telling you all this is random but i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate you and everything you do isn't going unnoticed. i wanted to remind you how lucky i am to have you and being able to call you mine. i honestly don't understand how i got you or what i did to deserve you, but i'm not complaining oneee bit. people that have known me since i was a little kid understand how picky of a person i am and when those same people are telling me how they genuinely see how happy i am and perfect you are for me are words i have never heard or thought i'd hear this early in my life. the fact that i am constantly being told this from people outside of our relationship just shows me something i don't even know how to describe, but it's such a good feeling. i am so blessed to have you in my life and especially by my side. i hope you slept like a little babyyy, GOOD MORNINGGG x2 😘❤ i was trying to get this to you before you got up and started doing things but it's ok

he replied with:

Oh man baby, I didn't expect this at all. 🙆🏼 I just woke up right now actually. I was tossing and turning, not able to put myself to sleep till about 4. 😪 I think it's completely fine now since I've woken up to this massive gift of a message. ❤️😍 just listening to everything you said here I feel like I'm hearing from your voice directly. Simply everything that you provide me never goes unnoticed. At times you see me get distracted w playing games and watching games, and I sometimes get caught up and I hope you don't feel like I'm dissing you and pushing you to the side. I want you to know that you are definitely my highest priority and although it might take me a little while to put the game away, I understand that we don't have all day so we gotta make the time we have count. 💪🏼 I've been stressing about how this year plan has been changing so frequently and I could imagine how it's effecting you. No matter the circumstance, we'll figure something out. We always do. I just want you to know that you have me to talk about this shenanigans even though it might get you upset since you may not know what's happening. Thank you for the lovely message my baby, it means the world that we are bhillen on the highest level and are completely invested in each other. 😘

then i said:

4 AM?! you're brazyyy, babe! awwww, you're so cute :( it's just whenever i see you and you're on you're phone it makes me upset because sometimes i have to go the whole day without even being able to talk to you and when i see you all i want to do is spend time with you, especially if you can't stay for that long. i get it though, you said with you being so busy you don't even have time to do that so i just wait. sometimes i wish we met sooner so that we would've had more time to spend together before we'd have to leave for college but everything happens for a reason and i'm glad 2017 gave me you. i also feel that it's the right time we met right now because i think we're old and mature enough to be in a real relationship and understand what all this is about. as scared i am for the future, i am excited. i believe and trust that if it's meant to be then it'll work out no matter what. i don't think either of us would throw it out so easily without a fight. ❤ of bourse baby, alwaysss 😘 you said bhillen :')

there goes a start to a perfect morning already. with all this waiting around, the day we finally say “i love you” better be one of the best days of our lives. i can’t wait to finally let him know how much i am inlove with his ass. i went about my day on twitter and whatnot. decided to wash my face and brush my teeth and do my makeup as i wait to see what he has planned. so he calls me and tells me that he has to deal with things from his insurance from that one accident we ran into. as he came over, we layed in bed and watched titanic. i did his eyebrows while he was playing his little games. we were both starving so decided to go to in n out. he eats so mf quick, it gives me anxietyyy. i even left my bag in the seat we were sitting at, and we were already to the car so my ass ran all the way back almost hitting the car next to us because both of our doors were open. we got back to the house, watched his gaming videos, and we finally fucked while i was on my period because ae is a brazyyy animal and had looked if it were safe to do so the day before. it was not as bad as we thought. we used a condom that i grabbed while we were in the car on the way home from in n out, laid my softball blanket under him, and bam. it happened. i had to run to the bathroom and grab toilet paper lmaooo. afterwards, we played fun run 2 and he gave me one of those bomb ass booty massages. we headed out towards the pool where we say jj and chic0. (another sidenote, it’s bs how debut practices are always being planned literally the second before it is supposed to start. like, i got plans) it was nice just bhillen in the freezing pool and then relaxing in the hot tub. when we finished, we sat in the car and got lit as fuck. i was so excited to get home because we were going to shower together. let me tell you, that shower sex WHILE WE WERE HIGH was hype as fuckkk. 10/10 recommend. we layed back down in my bed and were just talking. he did something and i slipped out “i love that” and idk man i guess he thought i said “i love you” and asked “what did you say?” he got all smiley and laughed to prevent himself from crying and i could’ve sworn in that moment he was about to say those 3 words. i started crying because i was thinking of how happy he makes me, at the same time i was high and ending my period. GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED NEXT. my parents get home and we smoked before so we can chill in the room and not have to worry about them seeing us. BUT, BITCH, they walked in my room and was like “we got you a late graduation present!” AS I WAS HIGH AND CRYING. jay was recording me and everything like i was just crying my nigga. they put the key into a victorias secret bag and THEY GOT ME A MF CAR. before that, i checked their location and saw they were at the dealership (when we were smoking) and jokingly said “watch them get a new car”. i got a spankin’ new white nissan altima. that shit fresh. it was so hard to act sober and i made the stupid mistake of agreeing to take it on a test drive around the neighborhood. bro, this is weird that III have my OWN car. fuck bro. that’s insane. then me and ae went back to my room, got bomfortable, and crashed. he woke up at 2:45 AM and woke me up as well, telling me it was his time to dip. my baby got home safe and sound and i went back upstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face. ahhh, today was such a good day. if only we actually said those three words today then it would’ve been JUST as memorable. my life is on a continuous roller coaster, but i wouldn’t have it any other way (kinda). the only thing i’m lost about is school. palomar vs csusm. the only thing getting me through this is how supportive my baby is of me no matter where i end up. he told me he can’t wait to show up to my games and support me 100%. if we play sdsu, he told me that he would root for me and then hand me a shirt to wear afterwards that reads “sdsu girlfriend”. fuck bro, i want to spend the rest of my life with him. forever. 

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW 13 - Update... yep there's a definite request in there

Christmas had come and gone leaving Eren feeling like a beached whale. His stomach has popped after his dance wind up, looking as if it had doubled in size between then and Levi's fortieth birthday. The growing pains over the last few weeks sucked, as had the spotting of blood. He'd just been feeling flat and yuck since, all he wanted to do was sleep all the time. Something not happening with a three year old toddler that seemed to be a constant sugar high. It was the only way he could explain how Viren had so much energy... even Titan seemed to have more energy. With Hanji, Erwin, Mike and Levi all working Christmas Day, they'd had a party for the kids on the 23rd, during which he'd fallen asleep. Then he and Levi had celebrated his alpha's birthday on the night of the 24th, and early hours of the 25th. They'd eaten cake in bed because of his fatigue, while watching movies on Levi's laptop until Levi had to go. Working an extended shift, his mate had left the house at a little after 4am, working right through to Boxing Day. It'd really fucking sucked. He loved December 25th. Still, even if Levi couldn't be home, he hadn't been alone. He'd had another small party with the kids on the Christmas Day, eating way too much as they watched Christmas movies, cuddled up on the sofa with the two children. Anna was completely fascinated by the swell of his stomach. The little girl couldn't believe he had two pups growing in there. Viren on the other hand didn't seem too impressed, even smacking him in the stomach when he couldn't get comfortable thanks to curve of his swell. His son did not want a sister. At all. Where as Anna wanted them both to be girls. Marco and Jean were leaving the second week of January, leaving Anna without her two little friends. It wasn't fair to her that it was right before her birthday party, but Anna was a tough kid. The little miss finally actually turning 4, instead of just having her age rounded up because of how smart she was. * Cuddled up under the beautiful blanket Levi had gifted him, Eren felt revolting. He really loved the blanket, it was so soft, and sparkly, and the colours of the sea were everything he could want. His sneaky alpha had snuck it on their bed while he'd slept, waking later on Christmas Day to find it there. Slightly enthused, he'd yelled into the phone as he rushed to thank Levi for it. That seemed like months ago, rather than days. Outside the door of his old bedroom, he could hear Viren playing with Titan, but felt too weak to even move, running hot and cold simultaneously, while his between his legs ached. He knew he had to get up, but he was so tired... "Mum! Mummy! Muuuuuuuum!" Pulling his blanket over his head, Eren whimpered at the sound of his son's voice. Managing to get the door handle undone, Viren came bounding onto his bed, jumping up and down right next to him... this was not going to end well... "Viren, stop" "Wake up, mum!" The rocking wasn't appreciated by his stomach, miserably, he only just managed to get his head free from the covers before throwing up down the side of the bed, Viren still jumping on the bed as he did, though not quite as enthusiastic "Mummy?" Falling to his knees, Viren landed on his hip. Eren whimpering from the unneeded pressure on his stomach and the sudden shock "Baby, can you get mummy's phone for him?" "Mum?" "Baby, please. Mummy is ok. Just get my phone for me" His phone was all the way back in the living room, not the safest of places, but he was only supposed to be taking a nap while Viren did. Now there was no way he could get out of bed. "Mummy!" Dropping his phone in his face, Eren was jolted back to consciousness. The light of the device blinding as he clumsily unlocked the device. He didn't need Hanji's mothering... and he didn't want to worry Levi. This time of year was awful for him. Finding Mike's name, he barely hit call before his phone slipped from his hold "Mummy?!" "I'm... sorry baby..." He couldn't hear Mike repeating his name, Viren throwing his arms around him. He hadn't felt like this when Levi had left. He'd been exhausted, but over the last few days, it'd gotten worse. Now, two days short of the New Years, he felt like death had come for him. "Eren?" Tapping his face, Eren whimpered away from Mike. He didn't remember passing out, but he must have if the alpha was now there "M-Mike... something's wrong" Mike was blurry as he swam in and out of focus. With his hands against Eren's face, Eren could smell the man's worry "You're going to be ok. Can you move?" "No..." "Alright. Up we go" Lifting him, Eren shivered as if his body had been plunged into an ice bath "Why didn't you call Levi?" "He's... stressed" Was Mike always this loud? Shivering, he was moved from his bed to the sofa, the light coming through the windows blinding. Flinching as he tried to open his eyes, he quick gave up "Headache?" Nodding only made him more nauseous "Vomiting and Fever? Abdominal pain?" Humming hurt but worked "How far along are you?" Shouldn't Mike just know this shit? This was why he wanted him instead of Hanji, because Mike didn't usually ask him a trillion questions. Couldn't he see how tired he was? "Eren, keep talking to me. How far along are you?" "18 weeks" Letting his head loll back, his eyes slid closed. Mike tapping his face "Fuck off... hurts" "If you can swear at me, you can stay awake for me" "Sleepy" "Sorry, Eren, but you need to stay awake" Mike has zero chance of that happening. * Called by Mike, Levi was confused as he headed through the main doors of Shinganshima hospital. Mike hadn't told him what was going on, only asking him to come meet him. Erwin had said Mike wasn't working, and the fact he wasn't meeting him in the emergency department had lead him to believe it may be related to Mike's health, and whatever was causing the rift between him and Erwin. Mike looked grim as Levi approached, the man sitting at one of the small tables near the hospital's auxiliary shops "Levi" "Mike" "Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?" "Come with me, I need to have a talk with you" That didn't sound ominous... "Mike, is everything alright?" "We should have a talk" Lead through the hospital, Mike was prepared. Entering a small consulting office, Mike took a seat in the rolling chair, gesturing to the narrow visitors chair beside the desk "Mike, this better be good" "I had a call from Eren today" Ok... That was unusual, but not completely out of the normal... There was no need for his heart to start racing. Opening the Manila folder on the desk, Mike passed him over a series of ultrasound prints "What am I looking at?" "Sacrococcygeal teratoma. Type one from the looks of it" "And..." "Eren has developed an infection in his right breast, he called me this morning disoriented and vomiting. He'd also had a small bleed, so I sent him for an ultrasound. The growth you see is four weeks, as you can see, there's been a rapid increase in mass" Wait. What. He hadn't even looked at the name in the corner of the prints, blindsided by his own deduction that this was about Mike. His brain kicking into overdrive "What?" "I'm sorry Levi, we'll monitor this carefully, but if the rate of growth continues like this, the pup will need to be aborted. As you can see, the foetus is significantly smaller than the other" "Hang on. Just. Why the fuck didn't you call me?" "My first priority was getting Eren emergency care. His fever was dangerously high, and the bleed had stained his sweat pants. He was in and out of consciousness. He's stabilised now, and resting" "He's been tired lately, but he wasn't feverish, or vomiting. He was fine when I left this morning" This couldn't be happening. Not after the loss of the pup... And Eren really had been fine. He'd been tired, but Levi assumed that was more to do with the fact it was the end of the year, and the rainy weather... and... "Does he know?" "No. He said something was wrong, but he was too out of it to know what. I'm so sorry, Levi" "You're talking as if they're already dead!" He didn't mean to snap, unable to take his eyes off the scan. SCT's weren't uncommon, but they did pose a risk of growing rapidly between the 18th and 26th week. The pup to the left seemed happy and healthy, but their twin... Eren was going to fall apart over it... "Where is he?" "He's on the ward. Viren's with him" "So he's awake?" "He's in and out, his fever is being managed. He didn't know he had an infection. He understands he's in hospital again" "I bet he's loving that" "He's told me to "fuck off", more than once" A cranky pouty Eren could be quite cute, as he usually apologised immediately, then sought cuddles. Provided he wasn't the one who'd upset him... and now he had to tell his mate there was something wrong with one of their pups "Levi?" "How the fuck... why the fuck? Eren hasn't done anything wrong. He doesn't... Why?" "His body has been through trauma after trauma. You both deserve a break" "A break?" They deserved a whole lot more than a break "I'm fucking done, Mike" "With Eren?" "No. Not with Eren. With everything but Eren. I'm sick of it. We've worked years to get to where we are. I'm sick of leaving him at home. Of missing time with Viren, and time Eren. All I want is quality time with my family before..." "Levi. You could live your whole life without that bullet shifting" "With our fucking luck, that's a gamble I'm not sure I want to take. Eren told me to think through what I want, and I'm done. He's going to be devastated. This pregnancy has hardly been smooth sailing. Eren's depression. Coming off his mediation, thinking I wanted to leave him. He was going to abort them because that's what he thought I wanted. The only good news was that they both seemed ok... and now... I'm done, Mike" Running his fingers through his hair with his right hand, Levi shook his head "This is going break him. He already thinks he's a bad mother, and that's when he's doing absolutely everything for Viren" "Levi, have you talked to someone about all of this?" "Yeah. We had a couples counselling appointment with Krista, and we've talked about it a fair bit. He hates it. You know he hates feeling weak. Since coming off his medication, his PTS has... It's hard to leave him. He's scared that he's going to hurt Viren, or have a panic attack so bad he passes out and Viren is hurt. I'm done with him feeling like that. Especially after all he went through with his first pregnancy and that piece of shit father of his" "And Eren will be ok with you quitting?" "He'll be worried. He'll be more worried about those attending call outs that involve omegas, but he said he'd support me" "He's the one who's going to need a lot of support over the next months. But I really would recommend talking your options over with Eren. If the growth slows, the recommendation would be an emergency caesarean..." "Provided it does" "Yeah. Pretty much. I'm not his attending, but he'll be in good hands, and I thought I should be the one to tell you" "I appreciate that Mike. I really do. Thank you for being there for him today" "You should thank Viren too. Eren passed out just after he called me, Viren picked his phone up. Told me "mummy wasn't waking up". He's a strong kid" "He and Eren have been getting so much closer..." "He did good" "He's a good kid. I never thought I'd be a father to begin with, but I would do anything for him and Eren" A small flicker of pain crossed Mike's face, before disappearing like it was never there "I'll take you through to Eren. Do you need to call work?" He'd forgotten all about work... "I will after I see Eren" Eren had a nasal cannula in place, Viren sleeping against his side as he snored loudly. A saline IV running into his right arm "We've given him a dose of antibiotics. He was dehydrated from his fever. His blood work was all over the place, everything he had, has been going to the pups" "He's been keeping up with the vitamin shakes and pills..." Eren's blood work shouldn't have been that bad. He ate. He was eating... "They're going to keep him in for the few days, at least" "He's going to love that" "I have a few calls to make. I'll check in with you both later" "Thanks, Mike" Walking over to Eren, he sank down on the side of the bed to kiss Eren's forehead. Sighing at him, Eren wriggled beneath him, all happening within the space of a broken snore. Pursing his lips, Levi kissed him "We have to stop meeting like this" "I thought you were sleeping" "Who says I'm not?" "You dream about me?" "You are the dream. An upset Viren is the reality. He was awake..." It must have been a while ago given how out of it the pair of them had been "You look upset, what's wrong?" He couldn't just tell Eren, not after he woke up "You're in hospital again" "Oh. Right... I suppose there is that... they gave me drugs" Eren gave him a smile, before explaining "Had a headache" "How do you feel now?" "Just sleepy" "Why didn't you call me?" "Thought it was just fatigue. I didn't think I'd end up here. You're supposed to be working" "I wanted to check in with you" "I'm ok... I think... I don't know. I'm sleepy" "Then get some sleep" "Can you take Viren?" "I'll organise it" "And I threw up at home" "Don't worry, I'll take care of it all" "'love you, Lee" "I love you too" Levi didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse that Eren didn't ask about the pups. His fiancée soon falling back to sleep, leaving him to sigh to himself. He was actually going to quit. After a decade and bit, he was actually going to give up the life he'd known... Fuck. Now he wished Eren had been alert enough to have that conversation. He didn't know how to be anyone but himself, and he'd been doing a pretty piss poor of that as he'd staggered through life. He'd believed he'd be doing his job until the day he died... and now, because of Eren, his job was coming to an end and what did that make him? They'd talked about finding a new job, but at his age, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Seeing pointless crash after crash, and death after death, he was tired of it. But when he did quit, that meant saying goodbye to everyone around him. No more calls through the radio from Petra. No more glares from Olou, or chats with Nanaba. No more complaining about shifts with Eld and Gunther. No more being stuck with Erwin and his overbearing concerns. No more running into Mike and Hanji in the Emergency Department. He'd be leaving all of them behind. And then what? They drifted? Because strangers on the streets? People always promise to keep in touch, but how often did that really happen? What was he without them? An alpha. A father. A piss poor fiancée, with omega so heartbroken he won't even let him try to plan their wedding? It was... a lot. No more waking up to crap shifts. No more cleaning ambulances because the shitty idiots before them couldn't do their shitty jobs. No more being screamed at abused for doing his job. No more being called out to mass fatalities and accidents... What was he supposed to do? What could he even do? He wasn't built for customer service. He didn't have the patience for pretty much anyone other than Viren or Anna. He didn't have a whole lot of skills other than cleaning, and he wasn't about to waste his time on people who didn't appreciate it. He'd just turned 40. He'd never planned to... well, live this long or fall in love. In his pocket, his phone began to vibrate. Sliding off Eren's bed, he pulled the device out to find it was his boss. What was he supposed to tell her? I know I've left you in the lurch before, but now I'm going to quit. He had obligations... but he had even bigger ones to his mate. Could he even be the alpha that Eren needed to get him through this? Eren had told him about his need for space, but his chronic fatigue had left his omega quite docile and cuddly... once they got him back on his feet, Would Eren feel smothered again? He was far too independent for his own dependant good. What if being home all the time lead to them fighting again? What if Eren actually wanted to walk on him when he realised there really wasn't that much substance to him. The buzzing of his phone stopped, only to start again immediately. Levi's voice trembling as he raised the device to his ear and stuttered out "hello". Despite her usual understanding attitude, the end of year stress had gotten to all of them. The woman not happy that he'd run off without telling anyone where he was going on or why... especially when he was supposed to be working. He didn't want to leave Eren. He didn't want to have some nurse scaring the fuck out of him by telling him what was going on with their pup, without explaining everything thoroughly. Yet. Back to work he was forced. He had to call Mike to ask him to take Viren. Hanji was working, and he assumed that maybe Anna was with Marco? He'd asked her not to drop the little girl off to Eren, because he knew Eren was tired... Tired. Not sick. He'd personally had a good feel of Eren's breasts, yet hadn't felt anything there... How the fuck was he supposed to take care of his omega if he missed something like that? It was as if every concern of the last 5 years of knowing Eren, swept in and swamped him all at once. His age. His job. His relationship. His relationships around him. He didn't have clear answers for any of it. He was supposed to know. Yet he didn't have a single clue. He needed Eren to wake up and tell him what the hell he was supposed to do. Eren was his hope. The reason everything around him had changed so drastically. The omega had rounded off his rough edges, and smoothed out the parts of his lacking personality. He'd taught him that the way he saw the world, wasn't the only way to see it. And that the world was so much bigger than he'd ever thought it could be... Maybe things could be ok, if Eren was there... and Viren... Eren would mad if he didn't mention Titan in their family. To a lot of people, that would be a pathetic reason to give up everything, but for those tw-three he'd... Yeah. It was time. Despite his desires to get back to Eren, Levi forced himself to seek out his boss. Erwin had huffed when he'd explained Mike had taken Eren to hospital, and Levi was done with him on the spot. The remainder of his shift spent exchanging the bear minimum to get things done, he didn't even bother to clean the ambulance through once they were done restocking. Finding the woman in her office, he tried to hold his temper back. She had a job to do, and it wasn't her fault that she needed things to run as they should. With an apology that was lacking, yet had all the actual words there and all the feelings he could muster for it, he finally told her he was resigning permanently. Initially she didn't want to take no, until he was forced to bring up Eren and the complication with their pup. She couldn't process the resignation immediately, due to the fact they both had obligations, but promised that by the end of January everything would be settled, and that if he wished to return, there would always be a space open for him. Walking from the depot, there was definitely a bounce in his step that hadn't been there for a long time. A month was a fucking eternity when you had a sick omega that may need to abort a pup, and life that didn't seem to want to settle, but at least his leaving this time wouldn't be the same mess it was the last time he'd quit. Eren had told him to talk it through with everyone around them, yet for the first time in a long time, he felt free of their unwanted, even if well meant, advice. He'd chosen for himself, and at his age, it shouldn't have left him feeling quite as giddy as it did. He hadn't even fucking left for good, and he felt a weight off his shoulders that pushed away his earlier spiralling maelstrom of thoughts. Now to get back to Eren.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW - 13 full draft

Christmas had come and gone leaving Eren feeling like a beached whale. His stomach has popped after his dance wind up, looking as if it had doubled in size between then and Levi's fortieth birthday. The growing pains over the last few weeks sucked, as had the spotting of blood. He'd just been feeling flat and yuck since, all he wanted to do was sleep all the time. Something not happening with a three year old toddler that seemed to be a constant sugar high. It was the only way he could explain how Viren had so much energy... even Titan seemed to have more energy. With Hanji, Erwin, Mike and Levi all working Christmas Day, they'd had a party for the kids on the 23rd, during which he'd fallen asleep. Then he and Levi had celebrated his alpha's birthday on the night of the 24th, and early hours of the 25th. They'd eaten cake in bed because of his fatigue, while watching movies on Levi's laptop until Levi had to go. Working an extended shift, his mate had left the house at a little after 4am, working right through to Boxing Day. It'd really fucking sucked. He loved December 25th. Still, even if Levi couldn't be home, he hadn't been alone. He'd had another small party with the kids on the Christmas Day, eating way too much as they watched Christmas movies, cuddled up on the sofa with the two children. Anna was completely fascinated by the swell of his stomach. The little girl couldn't believe he had two pups growing in there. Viren on the other hand didn't seem too impressed, even smacking him in the stomach when he couldn't get comfortable thanks to curve of his swell. His son did not want a sister. At all. Where as Anna wanted them both to be girls. Marco and Jean were leaving the second week of January, leaving Anna without her two little friends. It wasn't fair to her that it was right before her birthday party, but Anna was a tough kid. The little miss finally actually turning 4, instead of just having her age rounded up because of how smart she was. * Cuddled up under the beautiful blanket Levi had gifted him, Eren felt revolting. He really loved the blanket, it was so soft, and sparkly, and the colours of the sea were everything he could want. His sneaky alpha had snuck it on their bed while he'd slept, waking later on Christmas Day to find it there. Slightly enthused, he'd yelled into the phone as he rushed to thank Levi for it. That seemed like months ago, rather than days. Outside the door of his old bedroom, he could hear Viren playing with Titan, but felt too weak to even move, running hot and cold simultaneously, while his between his legs ached. He knew he had to get up, but he was so tired... "Mum! Mummy! Muuuuuuuum!" Pulling his blanket over his head, Eren whimpered at the sound of his son's voice. Managing to get the door handle undone, Viren came bounding onto his bed, jumping up and down right next to him... this was not going to end well... "Viren, stop" "Wake up, mum!" The rocking wasn't appreciated by his stomach, miserably, he only just managed to get his head free from the covers before throwing up down the side of the bed, Viren still jumping on the bed as he did, though not quite as enthusiastic "Mummy?" Falling to his knees, Viren landed on his hip. Eren whimpering from the unneeded pressure on his stomach and the sudden shock "Baby, can you get mummy's phone for him?" "Mum?" "Baby, please. Mummy is ok. Just get my phone for me" His phone was all the way back in the living room, not the safest of places, but he was only supposed to be taking a nap while Viren did. Now there was no way he could get out of bed. "Mummy!" Dropping his phone in his face, Eren was jolted back to consciousness. The light of the device blinding as he clumsily unlocked the device. He didn't need Hanji's mothering... and he didn't want to worry Levi. This time of year was awful for him. Finding Mike's name, he barely hit call before his phone slipped from his hold "Mummy?!" "I'm... sorry baby..." He couldn't hear Mike repeating his name, Viren throwing his arms around him. He hadn't felt like this when Levi had left. He'd been exhausted, but over the last few days, it'd gotten worse. Now, two days short of the New Years, he felt like death had come for him. "Eren?" Tapping his face, Eren whimpered away from Mike. He didn't remember passing out, but he must have if the alpha was now there "M-Mike... something's wrong" Mike was blurry as he swam in and out of focus. With his hands against Eren's face, Eren could smell the man's worry "You're going to be ok. Can you move?" "No..." "Alright. Up we go" Lifting him, Eren shivered as if his body had been plunged into an ice bath "Why didn't you call Levi?" "He's... stressed" Was Mike always this loud? Shivering, he was moved from his bed to the sofa, the light coming through the windows blinding. Flinching as he tried to open his eyes, he quick gave up "Headache?" Nodding only made him more nauseous "Vomiting and Fever? Abdominal pain?" Humming hurt but worked "How far along are you?" Shouldn't Mike just know this shit? This was why he wanted him instead of Hanji, because Mike didn't usually ask him a trillion questions. Couldn't he see how tired he was? "Eren, keep talking to me. How far along are you?" "18 weeks" Letting his head loll back, his eyes slid closed. Mike tapping his face "Fuck off... hurts" "If you can swear at me, you can stay awake for me" "Sleepy" "Sorry, Eren, but you need to stay awake" Mike has zero chance of that happening. * Called by Mike, Levi was confused as he headed through the main doors of Shinganshima hospital. Mike hadn't told him what was going on, only asking him to come meet him. Erwin had said Mike wasn't working, and the fact he wasn't meeting him in the emergency department had lead him to believe it may be related to Mike's health, and whatever was causing the rift between him and Erwin. Mike looked grim as Levi approached, the man sitting at one of the small tables near the hospital's auxiliary shops "Levi" "Mike" "Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?" "Come with me, I need to have a talk with you" That didn't sound ominous... "Mike, is everything alright?" "We should have a talk" Lead through the hospital, Mike was prepared. Entering a small consulting office, Mike took a seat in the rolling chair, gesturing to the narrow visitors chair beside the desk "Mike, this better be good" "I had a call from Eren today" Ok... That was unusual, but not completely out of the normal... There was no need for his heart to start racing. Opening the Manila folder on the desk, Mike passed him over a series of ultrasound prints "What am I looking at?" "Sacrococcygeal teratoma. Type one from the looks of it" "And..." "Eren has developed an infection in his right breast, he called me this morning disoriented and vomiting. He'd also had a small bleed, so I sent him for an ultrasound. The growth you see is four weeks, as you can see, there's been a rapid increase in mass" Wait. What. He hadn't even looked at the name in the corner of the prints, blindsided by his own deduction that this was about Mike. His brain kicking into overdrive "What?" "I'm sorry Levi, we'll monitor this carefully, but if the rate of growth continues like this, the pup will need to be aborted. As you can see, the foetus is significantly smaller than the other" "Hang on. Just. Why the fuck didn't you call me?" "My first priority was getting Eren emergency care. His fever was dangerously high, and the bleed had stained his sweat pants. He was in and out of consciousness. He's stabilised now, and resting" "He's been tired lately, but he wasn't feverish, or vomiting. He was fine when I left this morning" This couldn't be happening. Not after the loss of the pup... And Eren really had been fine. He'd been tired, but Levi assumed that was more to do with the fact it was the end of the year, and the rainy weather... and... "Does he know?" "No. He said something was wrong, but he was too out of it to know what. I'm so sorry, Levi" "You're talking as if they're already dead!" He didn't mean to snap, unable to take his eyes off the scan. SCT's weren't uncommon, but they did pose a risk of growing rapidly between the 18th and 26th week. The pup to the left seemed happy and healthy, but their twin... Eren was going to fall apart over it... "Where is he?" "He's on the ward. Viren's with him" "So he's awake?" "He's in and out, his fever is being managed. He didn't know he had an infection. He understands he's in hospital again" "I bet he's loving that" "He's told me to "fuck off", more than once" A cranky pouty Eren could be quite cute, as he usually apologised immediately, then sought cuddles. Provided he wasn't the one who'd upset him... and now he had to tell his mate there was something wrong with one of their pups "Levi?" "How the fuck... why the fuck? Eren hasn't done anything wrong. He doesn't... Why?" "His body has been through trauma after trauma. You both deserve a break" "A break?" They deserved a whole lot more than a break "I'm fucking done, Mike" "With Eren?" "No. Not with Eren. With everything but Eren. I'm sick of it. We've worked years to get to where we are. I'm sick of leaving him at home. Of missing time with Viren, and time Eren. All I want is quality time with my family before..." "Levi. You could live your whole life without that bullet shifting" "With our fucking luck, that's a gamble I'm not sure I want to take. Eren told me to think through what I want, and I'm done. He's going to be devastated. This pregnancy has hardly been smooth sailing. Eren's depression. Coming off his mediation, thinking I wanted to leave him. He was going to abort them because that's what he thought I wanted. The only good news was that they both seemed ok... and now... I'm done, Mike" Running his fingers through his hair with his right hand, Levi shook his head "This is going break him. He already thinks he's a bad mother, and that's when he's doing absolutely everything for Viren" "Levi, have you talked to someone about all of this?" "Yeah. We had a couples counselling appointment with Krista, and we've talked about it a fair bit. He hates it. You know he hates feeling weak. Since coming off his medication, his PTS has... It's hard to leave him. He's scared that he's going to hurt Viren, or have a panic attack so bad he passes out and Viren is hurt. I'm done with him feeling like that. Especially after all he went through with his first pregnancy and that piece of shit father of his" "And Eren will be ok with you quitting?" "He'll be worried. He'll be more worried about those attending call outs that involve omegas, but he said he'd support me" "He's the one who's going to need a lot of support over the next months. But I really would recommend talking your options over with Eren. If the growth slows, the recommendation would be an emergency caesarean..." "Provided it does" "Yeah. Pretty much. I'm not his attending, but he'll be in good hands, and I thought I should be the one to tell you" "I appreciate that Mike. I really do. Thank you for being there for him today" "You should thank Viren too. Eren passed out just after he called me, Viren picked his phone up. Told me "mummy wasn't waking up". He's a strong kid" "He and Eren have been getting so much closer..." "He did good" "He's a good kid. I never thought I'd be a father to begin with, but I would do anything for him and Eren" A small flicker of pain crossed Mike's face, before disappearing like it was never there "I'll take you through to Eren. Do you need to call work?" He'd forgotten all about work... "I will after I see Eren" Eren had a nasal cannula in place, Viren sleeping against his side as he snored loudly. A saline IV running into his right arm "We've given him a dose of antibiotics. He was dehydrated from his fever. His blood work was all over the place, everything he had, has been going to the pups" "He's been keeping up with the vitamin shakes and pills..." Eren's blood work shouldn't have been that bad. He ate. He was eating... "They're going to keep him in for the few days, at least" "He's going to love that" "I have a few calls to make. I'll check in with you both later" "Thanks, Mike" Walking over to Eren, he sank down on the side of the bed to kiss Eren's forehead. Sighing at him, Eren wriggled beneath him, all happening within the space of a broken snore. Pursing his lips, Levi kissed him "We have to stop meeting like this" "I thought you were sleeping" "Who says I'm not?" "You dream about me?" "You are the dream. An upset Viren is the reality. He was awake..." It must have been a while ago given how out of it the pair of them had been "You look upset, what's wrong?" He couldn't just tell Eren, not after he woke up "You're in hospital again" "Oh. Right... I suppose there is that... they gave me drugs" Eren gave him a smile, before explaining "Had a headache" "How do you feel now?" "Just sleepy" "Why didn't you call me?" "Thought it was just fatigue. I didn't think I'd end up here. You're supposed to be working" "I wanted to check in with you" "I'm ok... I think... I don't know. I'm sleepy" "Then get some sleep" "Can you take Viren?" "I'll organise it" "And I threw up at home" "Don't worry, I'll take care of it all" "'love you, Lee" "I love you too" Levi didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse that Eren didn't ask about the pups. His fiancée soon falling back to sleep, leaving him to sigh to himself. He was actually going to quit. After a decade and bit, he was actually going to give up the life he'd known... Fuck. Now he wished Eren had been alert enough to have that conversation. He didn't know how to be anyone but himself, and he'd been doing a pretty piss poor of that as he'd staggered through life. He'd believed he'd be doing his job until the day he died... and now, because of Eren, his job was coming to an end and what did that make him? They'd talked about finding a new job, but at his age, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Seeing pointless crash after crash, and death after death, he was tired of it. But when he did quit, that meant saying goodbye to everyone around him. No more calls through the radio from Petra. No more glares from Olou, or chats with Nanaba. No more complaining about shifts with Eld and Gunther. No more being stuck with Erwin and his overbearing concerns. No more running into Mike and Hanji in the Emergency Department. He'd be leaving all of them behind. And then what? They drifted? Because strangers on the streets? People always promise to keep in touch, but how often did that really happen? What was he without them? An alpha. A father. A piss poor fiancée, with omega so heartbroken he won't even let him try to plan their wedding? It was... a lot. No more waking up to crap shifts. No more cleaning ambulances because the shitty idiots before them couldn't do their shitty jobs. No more being screamed at abused for doing his job. No more being called out to mass fatalities and accidents... What was he supposed to do? What could he even do? He wasn't built for customer service. He didn't have the patience for pretty much anyone other than Viren or Anna. He didn't have a whole lot of skills other than cleaning, and he wasn't about to waste his time on people who didn't appreciate it. He'd just turned 40. He'd never planned to... well, live this long or fall in love. In his pocket, his phone began to vibrate. Sliding off Eren's bed, he pulled the device out to find it was his boss. What was he supposed to tell her? I know I've left you in the lurch before, but now I'm going to quit. He had obligations... but he had even bigger ones to his mate. Could he even be the alpha that Eren needed to get him through this? Eren had told him about his need for space, but his chronic fatigue had left his omega quite docile and cuddly... once they got him back on his feet, Would Eren feel smothered again? He was far too independent for his own dependant good. What if being home all the time lead to them fighting again? What if Eren actually wanted to walk on him when he realised there really wasn't that much substance to him. The buzzing of his phone stopped, only to start again immediately. Levi's voice trembling as he raised the device to his ear and stuttered out "hello". Despite her usual understanding attitude, the end of year stress had gotten to all of them. The woman not happy that he'd run off without telling anyone where he was going on or why... especially when he was supposed to be working. He didn't want to leave Eren. He didn't want to have some nurse scaring the fuck out of him by telling him what was going on with their pup, without explaining everything thoroughly. Yet. Back to work he was forced. He had to call Mike to ask him to take Viren. Hanji was working, and he assumed that maybe Anna was with Marco? He'd asked her not to drop the little girl off to Eren, because he knew Eren was tired... Tired. Not sick. He'd personally had a good feel of Eren's breasts, yet hadn't felt anything there... How the fuck was he supposed to take care of his omega if he missed something like that? It was as if every concern of the last 5 years of knowing Eren, swept in and swamped him all at once. His age. His job. His relationship. His relationships around him. He didn't have clear answers for any of it. He was supposed to know. Yet he didn't have a single clue. He needed Eren to wake up and tell him what the hell he was supposed to do. Eren was his hope. The reason everything around him had changed so drastically. The omega had rounded off his rough edges, and smoothed out the parts of his lacking personality. He'd taught him that the way he saw the world, wasn't the only way to see it. And that the world was so much bigger than he'd ever thought it could be... Maybe things could be ok, if Eren was there... and Viren... Eren would mad if he didn't mention Titan in their family. To a lot of people, that would be a pathetic reason to give up everything, but for those tw-three he'd... Yeah. It was time. Despite his desires to get back to Eren, Levi forced himself to seek out his boss. Erwin had huffed when he'd explained Mike had taken Eren to hospital, and Levi was done with him on the spot. The remainder of his shift spent exchanging the bear minimum to get things done, he didn't even bother to clean the ambulance through once they were done restocking. Finding the woman in her office, he tried to hold his temper back. She had a job to do, and it wasn't her fault that she needed things to run as they should. With an apology that was lacking, yet had all the actual words there and all the feelings he could muster for it, he finally told her he was resigning permanently. Initially she didn't want to take no, until he was forced to bring up Eren and the complication with their pup. She couldn't process the resignation immediately, due to the fact they both had obligations and she had a replacement to find, but promised that by the end of January everything would be settled, and that if he wished to return, there would always be a space open for him. Walking from the depot, there was definitely a bounce in his step that hadn't been there for a long time. A month was a fucking eternity when you had a sick omega that may need to abort a pup, and life that didn't seem to want to settle, but at least his leaving this time wouldn't be the same mess it was the last time he'd quit. Eren had told him to talk it through with everyone around them, yet for the first time in a long time, he felt free of their unwanted, even if well meant, advice. He'd chosen for himself, and at his age, it shouldn't have left him feeling quite as giddy as it did. He hadn't even left for good, and he felt a weight off his shoulders that pushed away his earlier spiralling maelstrom of thoughts. Now to get back to Eren. * Sitting on his bed, Eren had both hands on his stomach as he stared blankly towards the window. They'd had to give him some kind of sedative, which had left him feeling empty. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream or do something. Instead, he was disconnected from his emotions and his omega. He could feel it nudging at the back of his mind, trying to reconnect with no success. Having dozed off and on, he hadn't been sure that Levi had really been there until he'd woken that evening, realising that Viren was no longer by his side. The pain in his head and stomach had eased, as had the nausea. His skin still felt revolting from how much he'd sweated with fever, he'd asked one of the nurses if it was possible to shower, the man replying that "his doctor didn't want him out of bed just yet. Not until they'd assess the growth on the pup". Demanding to know what that had meant, the man hadn't appreciated his snarl, which lead to being sedated as no one wanted to tell him what hell was going on with his own children. The looks of pity shot in his direction sent his stomach rolling, as he realised everyone was acting skittish and secretive around him. He didn't even jump at the light knock on his doorway. Turning toward his alpha with blank eyes. Finally. Finally something close to a tear welled in his eye. Whining softly for his mate, Levi strode to his side, gathering him up against him "Eren" Buried in his lover's scent, he rasped out "Is this my fault?" Levi stiffened against him, before moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside him "No. No, it's not. No one quite knows what causes it" "They... let it slip that there was a growth. Is this because I was on medication? Or because I couldn't eat? Or because there's something wrong with me?" Levi knew. Levi knew what was going on. It was him that didn't. He was the one they didn't trust with the truth "Did they tell you anything?" "Mike did. You were too exhausted to talk earlier. How do you feel now?" "I'm not allowed to get out of bed to shower. I feel gross... Levi, why did this have to happen?" "I've been asking myself the same thing since Mike showed me" "Can you tell me? No one will tell me. They dosed me instead" Levi let out a small growl, causing Eren to whimper. His alpha turning angry in a fraction of second, leaving his soothing scent turning bitter and flooding his mixed up senses with fear "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I wanted to be the one to tell you, so I could explain it all properly. Has Mike been in?" "I don't know. I've been sleeping then drugged" "Alright, here, lay back down and I'll take my boots and jacket off" He didn't want to lay back down, he'd been stuck there all damn day. The blankets felt wrong against his skin. Too itchy and like they were trying to rub his skin off. When he'd thrown up on them, he was brought more of the same. He wanted his blankets. His bed. Stupid Mike "The bed feels gross. I sweated a lot" "Let me pull the sheets back. Let some air in their to help dry things out" "I'm not allowed out of bed" "They probably mean they don't want you walking around. Wait here" Yes. Because he fully intended on doing a runner. The moment Levi release his hold, he felt just as lost and disconnected as he had before his mate had arrived. Levi stripped his bed back, before finding a chair for them to use. Sitting on his alpha's lap, Levi was content with having his arms wrapped around him "Sacrococcygeal teratoma. That's what it's called. Essentially it's a tumour at the base of the spine that causes "abnormal" growth. They don't know what exactly causes it, but it's thought it's from when we were evolving from monkeys. There's a few different types, Mike hazarded a guess that it was type one, which is probably the best type to have..." "But" "SCT's are known to go through a period of rapid growth between the 18th and 26th weeks. Mike showed me the scans. They're not great..." "But it... I didn't see anything on the last one. He didn't see anything on the last one" "I know. And I know Mike feels bad" "He said everything was ok!" "Shhh... shhh, I know" "What... what happens now?" "Mike is going to make some calls" "And then what?" Levi paused, he didn't like the pause "Levi? What happens next? What happens with our pups?!" "Shhh, calm down for me. I know you're freaking out. Our pups are fraternal. Two seperate little lives growing together" "I know that" "Well, it means that... if things don't improve, that... the pup will have to be aborted" Aborted. That word had been in his life way too often in the past months. If he'd just gone ahead and aborted, they never would known it was three pups, and their little pup wouldn't be hurting like this... "I..." "Don't even say it. Ok. No. I'm happy you're pregnant. I'm happy it's twins and we'll work this out" "How?" "The same way you should be doing everything, and that's together" "It's just... it's not fair... Hanji's first round of IVF didn't take... and I had three pups... and..." "No. Don't go there. Ok. This dirty old alpha loves you" Levi was trying to make him feel better, even though he knew how much this was hurting his alpha. Fuck. He had to stop crying in front of him. Levi was just as precious as Viren. He didn't want them seeing him like this anymore. He was too miserable and tired for jokes, still, we weakly forced out the words "You forgot "Perverted"" "There's that. You feel cold. Why didn't you tell me you were feeling so sick?" "I was tired. I didn't even know about the infection until... after I was brought in... Fuck. I need to apologise to Mike" "Eren, you don't have to change the topic" "I... I don't want to cry right now. Do you have your phone?" "Why?" "I want to look it up... I hate the way they look at me Levi. They all know and I don't" "I don't know if that's a good idea" "It's my pup too!" Yelling at his mate, he regretted it immediately. Sliding from Levi's lap, he moved to crawl back on to his unmade bed "Eren" "No. It's fine. I'm a dumb omega after all. Why would they tell me anything?" "Don't be like that" "They all think I'm too stupid to make my own choices or understand. I mean, why else wouldn't they tell me anything" "Because you're sick. You have an infection that neither of us picked up. You've been in and out of consciousness. You had a fever. You've been vomiting and dehydrated. You even had a bleed. I can think of a hundred reasons why they would have wanted to control you fever and stabilise you before talking about it!" Biting his lip, Eren knew he deserved it "I need to see because I can't understand. I need to know what is happening to the pup. To your pup" "Our pup. Eren, I'm really..." "So you don't want me to know either" "I didn't say that" "You didn't have to! I get it! Keep the stupid incubator out of the loop!" "You know that's not it at all. This is why I wanted to tell you, myself. If you hadn't snapped at me, what I was going to say was I'm not sure you want to sit up there. It's still drying" "Oh..." "Are you going to come back down here?" "If you're here, can I go to the bathroom?" "You need the bathroom?" Yelling wasn't great for his bladder, neither had been moving" "Yeah... then can you show me, what's happening to the pup?" "I'll have to call a nurse to disconnect your IV" "Can't you? I don't want to see anyone..." "Eren..." "Please. I'll be good?" "You haven't been bad to begin with..." "And maybe I can shower" "You can pee" "I smell" "I'll talk to them about letting you shower, and if you can, I'll help you shower. For now, just stay still" Levi swore at the IV colourfully, as he disconnected and capped it, and his cannula. Eren was sooo close to being able to walk... it was like 2 metres, it wasn't going to do any harm. But noooo... Levi carried him into the bathroom, sitting him down on the toilet, before staring down at him "I'm not peeing with you watching" "Seriously?" "I'm not you. I don't randomly walk in while someone's showering to pee" "We've both seen every inch of each other's body. We've both exchanged every bodily fluid possible" "And I don't want to pee in front of you" Levi rolled his eyes "Lee, please just let me pee alone. You can even flush the toilet if you have to" "I just don't want you walking around" "I am peeing. Not walking" "Fine. I'll be right outside" Peeing was a beautiful thing, his bladder appreciative. He couldn't stomach looking at his stomach. He couldn't bare the guilt. He hadn't known anything was wrong with his pups... he'd thought things were fine... he'd thought his growing pains and spotting were fine... he'd had them with Viren... Things had been looking up. Especially after his dance wind up. Levi was possessive, but understanding. He'd finally understood why dancing the way he had, and why it'd been important to him all along... He'd thought his fatigue was just because of two little lives growing. Even Levi had thought it was normal... neither of them had thought anything wrong with his swelling breasts, both were tender... Mike must have found the small lump... Hanji's shift must have started after he'd already been transferred up to the ward... He really hated that people were touching his body without his permission while he was unconscious. Carried back out to the visitors chair, he was hooked back up to the stupid IV. He was ready for bed all over again, but had to know what was happening "I know you don't like it" "You're right. Can you show me?" "I looked it up at work..." "Show me" "Alright. Just know, we don't know for sure it's going to be as bad as what's in the photos" "You're terrible at hiding your feelings" Levi moved behind him, resting his head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him. His mate had already loaded the google images, while Eren's lip quivered. He hated to think of the pups suffering. Pups that hadn't done anything wrong... and even worse, pups that hadn't survived... He'd seen this before, he just hadn't know what it was called. His father had had so many books and files... He probably had to be ready for anything... "L-Lee..." "I know. We won't know anything more until more tests are run" "They... they killed a pup and mum" "What do you mean?" "G-Grisha had... a child like this. I mean... delivered. The mum died during birth" Levi locked his phone, throwing it on their bed, to hold him properly "No. Eren. No. This isn't anything like that place. You're here, in hospital. You're in better hands than his. You're not alone through this, and there a things that can be done" "Yeah. An abortion" "We don't know it'll get that far..." "Levi, if Mike's saying it, then he thinks it will. What the fuck is wrong with me?" "Nothing. Nothing at all, Eren. We should get the nurses in to change your bed for you. You're feeling warm again" Levi wanted to go. Of course he did. He'd been working and Eren had taken up his time. He probably just wanted to go home to Viren. The one child he'd gotten right... "Y-you should go home" "I'm not going home" "You have work, and Viren. Where is he?" "With Mike. I waited all day to see you again" "I don't want to mess with your shifts" He was giving Levi an out, that he could take and not feel guilty over... So why wasn't he taking it "I'm staying with you. Let me get those nurses" Something for his infection and returning fever was run through his IV line, while Levi laid next to him. It was nice to know it wasn't just him who thought the hospital blankets were awful, but he was filled with dread when Levi promised to bring his blankets in tomorrow. Levi wouldn't be bringing in blankets if he wasn't going to be trapped here for a while. He probably would have been able to get more out of Levi, if he hadn't kept dozing off. He didn't even know he did, not until he woke to find Hanji forcing food on Levi. It stunk. Spicy Thai still wasn't his most favourite food in the world, and had way too memories associated to it "Eren! Why didn't you tell me you were here? I have food, can you eat? Are you allowed to eat? Where's your chart?" Pinching his nose, the awful cannula had been shoved back up it. Groaning, he wanted them both to fuck off "You're upsetting him" "Your face is upsetting him. You should have called me, I would have come right over" "He called Mike. Probably so he didn't have to see your shitty face" "Levi, you wound me" Now Hanji knew what was going on... She had to if she was here. She knew... Couldn't he just have time to process this? Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the bickering pair "Eren, you ok?" "I'm hoping you're both going to be gone when I open my eyes" Levi laughed, while Hanji gasped "I bring food and this is all the love I get! I'm hurt!" "You had it coming" Maybe if he kept his eyes closed, they really would disappear "I really should go find your chart..." He didn't want that "Hanji. He has an infection. He's going to be fine. They're only keeping him in because he's pregnant" "You two are hiding something from me" "Hanji..." So she didn't know? She just knew he was here... Levi's voice was gentle growl "What? I'm worried about my boy and my two little pups. Infections can cause all kinds of complications, and this pregnancy had a rough start" "Hanji, drop it" "I knew there was something going on. Talk to me. I am a doctor after all" "Hanji, he's had a long day. Let him rest" "I'll just have to..." "Leave it alone" "I want to help" "He needs rest" "He can rest, while you tell me" "Look, just let him rest. He just woke up" "Why won't you tell me?" "Mike has things under control" The joking had faded, Hanji sounded slightly hurt and offended. Levi still trying to defend him, but Eren was too tired for this shit. Everyone seemed to think he couldn't process and cope, or understand things. He didn't understand and he wasn't coping, but he and Levi deserved some kind of privacy... or not "Seriously? What is going on with you two? Why did you call Mike? Eren, you know I would have come right away... You know you can talk to me about things" Levi sighed, his alpha taking a deep breath "Because..." "Because?" Parroting Levi's start of whatever his reply was going to be, Hanji got on his last nerve. Eren snapped "Because I need to have a fucking abortion. Ok. I'm stupid and I have to have an abortion!... I have to have an abortion, and I stupidly thought that we could have some privacy, but I guess I'm too stupid for that. Now. Can you please go? I want to be alone, in a room that doesn't stink" "An abortion?" "Hanji, this isn't a good time" "Why didn't you tell me sooner? What's going on? I'm sure..." Grabbing his pillow from under his head, he threw it as hard as possible "Go away!" Levi's wonderfully cool palm came to his forehead, he wanted to nuzzle up against it. He wanted his alpha's touch... but right now, it was too much "Eren. I told you..." "Levi. You said that I could ask for space" "I don't think you should be alone right now" "I want to be alone" To sleep. With no smelly food that reminded him of Zeke and no guilt over Levi being stuck here "Eren" "Please Lee, just go... I want to sleep" Kissing his lips, Levi sighed softly "I love you. I'll be in tomorrow. I know it's scary, but we'll get through this" "I..." He couldn't bring himself to tell Levi he loved him back. He didn't want to tie his mate down "I know you love me. I'll bring your phone in before work tomorrow. You can text me anything. Any questions and you can tell me what's going on. I love you" I love you. But he said nothing about the pups inside of him... Did this mean Levi didn't want them anymore? He didn't understand anything. Leaving, Levi took Hanji with him. Despite how exhausted he was, sleep was slow coming in its return as he chewed his lip bloody with guilt.