#I have a lopsided heart that required yearly monitoring my entire childhood and I have teenie cousins with pacemakers lol

[pigeonfancier]

It's spring! It's SPRING, and it is WARM, and I want to lie in the sunlight and bask like a particularly oversized, decadent lizard.

Alas, I have to, like, "work" or "something".

My sister has defeated me in gardening this year! She has enough plants growing and already prepared for hardening that they've overtaken her greenhouse and are colonising the rest of the house. That's traditionally my role, but I have.. very few plants set so far, lmfao. To be defeated so thoroughly is not the most tragic thing of the year by far, but it's pretty fucking up there.

I'm trying to figure out how to balance out my energy vs. garden maintainence this year, because last year was surgery hell, and the year before it was heart hell, and the result was my garden was just not very productive at all. There's pretty much nothing more distressing than failing to successfully take care of something the way it should be, even if it's just letting my lettuce all wither up and my cilantro go to seed, haha. So this year is trying out new routines and building in more automaton. As always: we'll see how it goes!

Also taking up walking again now that it's warm. I'm always a bit confused as to what, exactly, I'm supposed to do to help with my piece of shit heart? There's really nothing medication wise that can fix it, and the consensus largely is always just "be less stressed! exercise more, but don't exercise enough that you set it off! please don't fuck with your diet more. have you considered yoga?". This is all sound advice, but it's abstract enough to be a massive pain in the ass to figure out this weird balancing wheel.

I am supposed to go ahead and make an appointment to be checked up on by a cardiologist, which I think I mentioned on here, and which I have.. absolutely not done, lmao. I can admit that I am a terrible medical patient in some ways, due to my dislike of bothering with appointments at this point, but I am very tired of medical practictioner hearing my symptom sets, telling me to go to specialists, and then the specialists asking why I'm in their office, and have I considered, perhaps, that I simply worry too much?

Like: no, have not really considered that, because I'm not the one who wrote the fucking referral, my dude.

The implication that I'm just getting a strange thrill out of wasting my time and money in medical appointments is such a fucking deterrent to, uh, wasting my time and money in medical appointments. Especially when I get sent to a specialist, the specialist acts like I'm batshit, and then they look over my medical paperwork and get alarmed. Like: aren't you supposed to read that before I come into your office and have to deal with your shit..? I'm still very thrown that, when I went in to get my throat looked at for swelling, the throat specialists flipped on a coin from "well, some women just have throat swelling" to "yeah, you need surgery for this before it turns cancerous, we can get you in next month" in about ten minutes. Thrown, and aggravated, lol.

The plight of being sickly and skinny. It's gotten a lot better than it was when I was younger, in some ways, because now, at least, people are less prone to believe that I'm ~*hysterical*~. But I'm still very aggravated over the gastro who diagnosed me with pancreatitis asking me why I had it on my charts. IDK, girl, you're the one who told me I had it and started giving me a 700 dollar a month medication to treat it, why don't you tell me?

(The answer is that I have it on my charts, because "I have pancreatitis, confirmed by genetic testing, my fucking uncle having pancreatitis, and my maternal family all carrying genes for CP and cystic fibrosis", but what's a little genetic tests when you can act like I forged your signature on 7+ year old paperwork instead?)