#I have a few moots ill leave anon who do that

[a-usernamelol]

i know i talk big talk about the queerphobia in this fandom but at some point someone remind me to make an in depth analysis post about the ageism in this fandom. I’m not like mad or anything- I like to try to be chill about things, but I swear EVERY time people find out I’m not in my 30s or up I’m looked at completely differently. It’s incredibly fascinating and frustrating because even some of my closest friends in this fandom do it time to time. (No hate ofc usually when I point it out it gets corrected) but it’s absolutely fascinating to me. Is it that RARE for someone to be younger then 30 in this fandom? And if so, WHY does it matter so much when fandom itself is curated by the user? Like. I’m not 8 years old stop treating me like I am. Just because I don’t like reading about dick doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it.

I’m 20. By the way. In America. I’m not even old enough to drink legally in my state.

Again, not a hate post. More of a “oof this is tiring bro” post. I’m REALLY tired of it but like. What can I do? You don’t like that I’m not in my thirties? Block me I guess. I’m still here man

Also, genuinely curious of someone has an answer: is it actually that shocking for someone to be a young adult in this fandom, or even a teenager or hell, a child? I’m very curious WHY there’s always a double take when I bring up my age, and WHY people generally treat me a little- shall I say- “dumber”- like I have less understanding of the world.

it both frustrates me and fascinates me to no end, really.

[earth4angels]

so i want to talk about some few things that hurt my feelings a lot and i can be over dramatic or what not. but this is my blog and i want to be able to log in and feel good. this is a long post im sorry.

; when i made this blog i made it with an intention to just be a regular fan blog, i didn’t want to write, ive been a writer when i was in high school and i loved it and i loved making stories about edward cullen bc he was my first character to write about. but anyways i began writing again bc i wanted to get back in it again — i wrote about jacaerys in secret until i grew guts to publicly post.

now with that out the way, my writing won’t be for everyone and i accept that, that’s the life of a writer. however, to tell me and flood my box with “i thought you were different,” “you’re changing” i’m a girl who simply loves writing silly imaginative stories on my free time and i don’t get paid for it. i work full time, have a gallery im preparing for and with one or two hours i have of free time i get to writing. please stop flooding my box with mean msgs of “you lie, you take too much time. stop saying you’ll post and then don’t” guys i have a life, and stuff happens, i do this MYSELF. i edit, i come up with inspiration, i decorate my borders, dividers to match the vibe of the story, i beta read, i write — this is all me. i’m sorry i take forever to upload, i only want to provide the best stories and show my good writing skills.

the group chat, the anons: the group chat i made it FOR A SAFE SPACE. everyone on there is my moot and i add people who asked me to join kindly, and yes majority of us are writers but some aren’t, and frankly speaking— we became a friend group, with now 20 members, i can run to them and gossip and they do the same. whoever the anon is spreading negativity on my box or my moots i do not know who it is, i simply said i knew who it was to SPOOK them, to call them out their shit. please stop asking whose in it or if i know whose anon etc.. if you want to join just ask — i have to know you however.

in box terms, i’ve turned it off again.

what is it with you guys harassing me? calling me a rapist apologist? what the fuck? calling me a bitch too? where and why is the reason? if you want to say something to me and if i’ve done something wrong MSG ME. say your shit to me off anon. i’m so sick of the negativity.. this is my blog, and i won’t allow you guys to offend me or talk bad about my moots.

i am not leaving writing bc i want to post all my stuff i have planned, god there’s so many things i want to share with you all. jacaerys vanilla smut, to love, cosmic dancer, benji.. cregan who ive been secretly writing about… there’s so much i want to show you but how do i post and be happy coming on here when all i get is “i feel disappointed in you, im unfollowing, i thought you were different?”

treat others with kindness, i don’t know when ill be back on again but, i hope you guys have a beautiful day.

xxx nattie.

[danishmiilk]

if your moots were fanfics, what would they be? :p

ANON! i’ve been wanting to do this for the lONgest time (two days) so i’m soooo happy to have received this LMAO even though,,, this may NOT be accurate but im just gonig to do this randomly to the best of my ability

it’s very long, so more under the cut

@lebrookestore || taeyong + bookshop!au. so basically taeyong works at this bookshop and shes always going in to flip through books and such because she can’t afford to buy them and taeyong’s supposed to chase her away but just doesn’t have the heart to and one day she really just goes up and thanks him and hes like no problem and its usually quite empty so the next times she goes to said bookshop taeyong will go and sit with her to read the books and they talk and like wow they like the same shit! so then they Fall In Love wow

@hannie-dul-set || jaemin + definitely fluff. so basically her best friend (me! IM SORRY ALLEX BYE) and her best friend’s boyfriend (SICHENG! IM NOT SORRY ALLEX BYE) decided that their best friends weren’t getting like enough DATES so then they dragged them out on a double date (only for her and jaemin it was a bLIND date). it was at the dog cafe and the moment me and sicheng got there we just left them and ran away and theyd already bought like food so they decided to just stay and it was awkward for a bit but then like, jaemin was so good with dogs and hot damn. then yall exchange numbers and by the time yall get out of the cafe you see me and sicheng across the street using binoculars to spy on yall.

@seeing-dreams || chenle + def fluff, highschool!au. i feel like it’d be the secret admirer letter thing, which i think you already know what i mean? like chenle’s your crush bc (tbh he’e everyone’s) hes so hot and hes part of the basketball team and he also sits with you in bio and also at the same time you’ve been getting notes taped to the underside of your table in bio, and its like 10 or so letters before you get the last one asking you on a date (and leaving their number!! so if you want to date then call!!) and so youve alr fallen for this guy’s diction and you call the number and chenle’s phone rings. he winKS at you and youre like oH MY GOD

@floweringtheflowers || mark + YO IM SORRY BUT ISN’T YOUR WRITING ACC LIKE NEOSCULPTURES A SMUT BLOG I VAGUELY REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT OR SUMN SO + pwp LMAO IM SORRY- and like obviously i don’t read those but like yeah take it take it away you just give me very strong pwp vibes bye

@moonlightjeno || jeno + arranged marriage!au, royalty!au, one sided etl!au. MHM SO BASICALLY YOURE A PRINCESS AND JENO IS A PRINCE AND THE KING AND QUEEN OF JENO’S COUNTRY (cough doyoung and his wife) dECIDE THAT OK TREATY so then you and jeno have to get married and like bc were such nice people we decide that okay, yall get married for oNE YEAR if really cannot then like fine,, yall can divorce. so yall just like try to tide it out for a year right but you need to fake in the eyes of the public and you hate jeno but hes just trying to make this more bearable for the two of you and one day yall have an argument and jeno goes like “I JUST REALLY wANT TO KISS YOU, OKAY?” *squeal* and youre like whatthefuck and then, like, you know what? you jsut pretend that didn’t happen but you eventually agree to just be cordial and friendly and become friends, and you know jeno’s in love with you but you try to not make it awkward and somewhere along the way you fall in love *clasps hands together with a huge sigh* deserve.

@sehunniepot || (i want to write this alr) yuta + hogwarts!au, etl!au, HOUSE RIVALRY!AU BC THOSE ARE SUPERIOR. yuta’s definitely a gryffindor so you can be a slytherin since you never tOLD me. so so anyway youve hated each other from day one because of some stupid misunderstanding of him purposely tripping you in the train and then youre sorted into slytherin and him in gryffindor and the next four years are pranks and sneers and insults and glares. then the yule ball comes up, and because the hogwarts teachers are so JUMPY you have a dancing lesson with randomly assigned partners and you get yuta and AAAA “boys, put your hand on the girl’s waist.” and youre glaring daggers but yuta does it anyway with that cocky grin and you hold hands and your hand’s on his shoulder and are his ears red, or is that just your imagination?? then yall just tease each other the entire dancing lesson and when you get back to your dorm best friend!doyoung’s all like “why was nakamoto blushing-” and you’re like “nothing.” then then YOU REALISE YOU CANT STOP THINKING OF HIS HAND ON YOUR WAIST AND DURING THE NEXT DANCE LESSON YOU NATURALLY GRAVITATE TOWARD EACH OTHER AND DOYOUNG’S LIKE ?? OKAY THEN ILL JUST GO DANCE QITH SOMEONE ELSE?? then the teachers (who know of your stupid rivalry) are like: okay then miss l/n and mr nakamoto if you’ve already paired up. OH THEN A FEW WEEKS LATER HE ASKS YOU TO THE BALL UNDER THE GUISE THAT “YOU ACTUALYL DANCE WELL” AND YOURE LIKE “YOURE NOT TOO BAD YOURSELF” but its all, ofc, a pretense and then at the ball you all (having alr realised you like each other), confess, and promptly kiss under the shining ice stalactites magically hung from the trees in the grounds of hogwarts. (OH MY GOD FUCK IM WRITING THIS)

@doyounged || doyoung + fluff, def + i think high school sweethearts!au so this is the really fluffy oneshots where like youre super shy!! like its pretyt obvious you have crushes on each other but like first relationship or wtv and you jsut brush fingers and BLUSH and put your arm around each other and BLUSH and cheek kiss and BLUSH and you get my point? yeah yeah that’s the whole au

@moonbeamsung || jisung + fluff af + best freinds to lovers!au the only thing i can think of is like cute sleepovers and the sleeptalking thing, i’ve written something like that for you i thiNK?? 

@orange-nimon-cross || cai xukun + angst. just pure angst. im not even kidding the angst is so bad oh my god- probably hurt-comfort. like xukun’s your emotional rock and hes jsut so,,, ROCK AND HES ALW THERE FOR YOU AND KAJOFSDF A HUG SOLVES ALL and something like that you get my point, yes??

@rouiyan || hyuck + uhm, ice hockey player hyuck. like i think you did one with jeno or something but like idk why does the concept suit your vibe so muCH?? this one bc hyuck is playful it’d be like you’re dragged to the matches bc jeno’s your best friend but you couldnt give a flying fuck about ice hockey and his annoying teammate (hyuck.) keeps flirting with you and like one day you ask him straight up why are you flirting with me and hyuck’s immediately apologetic like shit did it make you uncomfy ill stop and youre like hes,,, a nice guy and then yall bond over like post-match meals which jeno starts dragging yall all to and then yeah sicheng and ten (same hockey team) help hyuck plan a confession and he confesses at the pizza shop.

@radiorenjun || renjun + angst, but with a happy ending if i feel like it- oh hold on maybe not angst ill save you the heartbreak. def artist!renjun, not even going to think about it, and kind of supernatural/soulmate? like he has dreams of a mystery girl every night and that’s the inspo for all his paintings, and he tries selling them to an art gallery and youre the curator of said art gallery adn youre liek “thats so beautiful, but why is it always the back view of the girl?” and renjun looks up from his paintings to explain and he sees you and literally screams because he’s never seen the mystery girl’s face but HE KNOWS its you. it HAS to be. so the two of you try figuring out the stupid phenomenon and who knows, maybe it’s just fate’s way of letting the two of you come together! yall become a thing YAY

--- once again, thank you anon for this ask! i really enjoyed doing this and like you know what?? i may write some of these aus someday. definitely the yuta one. someday.

[secnghwa]

hi vivi ! how are you today ? how has your done gone :o i hope it went well ><

kuroo !!!! i used to have such bad brainrot for him 💀 he is also everything I want in a man. i have never heard of that anime :o i’ll have to check it out !! time zones 👁👁 and nooooo don’t be sorry about being late >:c take your own time and don’t feel pressured about answering my asks. ill be here waiting ^^ (GAD THAT SOUNDS KINDA CREEPY BUT I DONT MEAN IT LIKE THAT) BDKNFKF I feel honored ??? idk you just seem like a very fun person to talk to <3 i indeed have a injury ;-; my spine + hips decided to be mean and go out of alignment which means I get a lot of pain in my lower back/hip area when I swim JFKNFKF AND YES I GOT MY TACOS AND MY MOM GOT ME SUBWAY TOO SO DOUBLE WIN !!!

(also ps i have a very very very bad habit of accidentally forgetting to sign off on asks and it’s already showing 🤡)

- 🍁 anon

i felt that self destruction post- i was trying to export gifs from ps today and it just [insert computer aggressively fanning] genuinely had a thought my laptop would break on me LMAO

also alSO ALSO YOU STAN SEVENTEEN ???!?!?!? im like. a huge carat HDKFBKFNF <3 and i see you bias minghao <3 me too <3 (although I swear I ult woozi,,,, no im not lying to myself)

- 🍁 anon (it’s me. AGAIN)

hihi vivi how was your day today ? I hope it went well !! i just started making ateez gifs again after getting photoshop and it’s been making my laptop go brrrrrr- i hope the gifsets that you were talking about reaches 1k vvv soon >:) also also also the new hairstyles :o i also very much love yunhos new hairstyle !! sans hair reminds me a chick and that’s all I can think when I look at the new pics 💀 mingi’s blonde hairstyle makes him look so soft and I’m just HDJFNDKKFKF 🥺🤧☹️

- 🍁

fsjdkf I HATE TUMBLR I CANNOT BELIEVE IT DELETED EVERYTHING I HAD SIX PARAGRAPHS OF WORD VOMIT /???????? anyways i guess it's time to try again to remembver waht i said FJIWEOFJSDKLF fIRST OFF !!! are you going to / /already receiving therapy/physio for your injury bec I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE HURT FOR LONG !!!!!!!! THAT IS NOT PLEASANT AT ALL HHHHhhhHHHH please please please take care of fyourself !!!!!

second i'm sorry sorry sorry for always taking literal days to respond IT'S JUST THESE DAYS I'VE BEEN TAKING A SUMMER COURSE AND IT'S REALLY TAKING A TOLL ON MEM HAHAHAHH i've seriously just been coming on, queueing posts, and leaving oopS but alas it is what it is LMAO

third yes i am such a big closet svt stan like i have so many svt gifblr moots but I'VE NEVER FELT THE URGE TO GIF FOR THEM SO IT STAYS IN THE CLOSEt ???? but i am such a loser for china line bec i'm part chinese and it just gets me every time they speak in chinese BEC THEY'RE SO FUNNY it can't even be translated into english with the same amount of funny . .,,,, does that make sense???? also psssstttttt woozi ult i seEEE YOUUUU ( i don't rmb if i've aksed you before but who's ur atz bias heheehee)

FOR TODAY !!!!! today has bveen very. very fun after work i got together with a few of my coworkers (who also happen to be my school friends and also my family friends who i've known for like 7 years) ALSO YOU MAKE ATEEZ GIFS ?????? please if you ever need help with giffing n whatever do not hesitate to reach out i will try my bestest with my limited knowledge to assist you or we cld work thru the issue together omg it can be a learning xperience for me too !!!!! (fun fact when i was making my recent san inception gifset my laptop almost crashed on me as in it. froze for like a solid minute and just came back I GOT SO SCARED I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOSE ALL OF MY COLOURING(

ALSO I AM LOWKEY PRAYING FOR THE FEW GIFS (like two gifsets i think) to FINALLY REACH 1K notes bec then it can be added to my 1k atz tag (which doesn't seem like a lot but i'm actually very proud of evbery single gifset in it MWAHHH) the gifs that r so . close (like 950 notes) are this one and this one HELLPPPPPPP

LASTLY THE ATEEZ HARISTYLES I CAN GO ON HOURS ABOUT IT !!!!!!!! it is truly an honour to be able to see yunho's streaky red hair ( fun fact 2 every single ateez era where a member has had pink/red hair = a hit and this is simply a fact . ) mingis hairstyle makes him look so smoochable in the kindest way i want to give him a hug and tell him he's doing amazing <3333333

PS I JUST WNATED TO THANK YOU FOR READING TYHRU ALL OF THIS WORD VOMIT WITHOUT GETTING BORED i am so sorry there are so many topic jumps but omg i get v excited talking to you <333 n i hope u feel the sam e!!!

[geekns]

Why i Still Sleep with My Stuffed Rabbit and a Blankie

TL;DR: People who are abused don’t choose to be a victim. It isn’t their fault. It’s never their fault. But deep down inside a part (if not all) of them will always believe that it is.

People who are abused don’t feel or react the same way as people who haven’t been abused. We are always waiting for the next blow (literal or figurative) to come. It can happen unexpectedly at any time from any direction.

We aren’t hiding because we don’t trust you. We’re hiding because we know you won’t understand…even if you cared to try (which you probably don’t).

Deep down inside we are screaming for help even as we know that no one can help us. We can’t even help ourself.

I am a 36 years old woman whose earliest memories are of being a victim of domestic violence. I grew up in constant fear, emotionally abused and–very occasionally–physically abused. I don’t know why i was the only member of the family that my father physically abused but i willingly would have taken abuse before my mother or sister. I have no physical scars but i don’t think i will ever be okay. All i know how to be is a victim.

The simple answer to why i sleep with Snowy and my Beak replacement (the name of my original blankie) is because they could never hurt me. They were some of the first coping mechanism i found to soothe myself tactilely.  Even over thirty years later i find it extremely difficult to sleep without them.  My first coping mechanism was sucking my thumb, my second was biting the back of my hand…not to the point of breaking skin but to the point of leaving an imprint of my teeth embedded into my skin for a few minutes. Another early coping mechanism was peeling dry Elmer’s glue off my fingers.  

Since these are socially unacceptable actions, they were, of course, vices meant to be broken.  My preschool teachers didn’t let me chew on my hands and started keeping glue out of my reach.  When i was eight, my mother took away my Beak in a final bid to break me of the thumb sucking and it worked.  I didn’t sleep with a blankie for years, not until i acquired a new afghan about five years later.  Snowy is probably the only coping mechanism that i would have refused to let them take away but as it turned out that was a moot point.

I fairly recently found my old copy of Fuzzy Rabbit, a book that gave me extreme anxiety about losing my stuffed animals long before Toy Story was ever made. If you’re unfamiliar with the book it’s very similar to the aforementioned film. The protagonist loses their favorite, aging stuffed animal under the bed upon receiving a new doll for her birthday.  Being highly empathetic, i never wanted any of my stuffed animals to feel unwanted and had a hard time giving away toys i had outgrown as a result. But my own fuzzy rabbit, Snowy, was inadvertently left at the airport shortly after Beak was taken away. I cried for hours, begging to go back and retrieve him. I was devastated.

Years later my sister found another rabbit just like Snowy at a thrift store (even later she found a like new one and i received it for my 30th birthday) and i have restuffed him a couple of times and still use him as a pillow, or clutched to my chest with his face against my clavicle, or with my face pressed against his.  Long ago there was a film or TV show or book that i was exposed to that talked about practicing kissing with a pillow. I practiced kissing with Snowy. 

I know that Snowy isn’t real, that he doesn’t have feelings or think i abandoned him, but as a child i felt i had abandoned the most important toy i ever had. Snowy has given me more kisses and wiped away more of my tears than anyone else in the universe. I spent many a sleepless night pretending that Snowy was a physical representation of my imaginary (boy)friend and i think the only thing that could get me to stop sleeping with him is an actual husband.

And now that i sound properly nuts i’d like to explain a few things about what it’s like growing up abused.  The emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse.  Like i said, i have no scars, but my heart will be scarred forever if i can even figure out how to put it back together.  The people who were meant to protect me during my formative years and make me feel safe and comfort me are the very people who hurt me.  

My father (inadvertently) taught me that nothing i ever do will be good enough. I spent a considerable amount of time not only walking on eggshells, trying to obey his constantly changing rules to the letter and follow his every whim so he wouldn’t get angry (all completely ineffectual), but bending over backwards to make him like me and earn his respect.  None of it was ever enough.  He worked hard to support us but lived with the scars his parents’ marriage had left on him. He has no idea how much he hurt me growing up. His thoughts are only for himself, of not losing respect in the eyes of his family, of not losing face.  Which ironically did more to make him lose respect than anything else could have.

My mother chose to stay in her marriage. Domestic violence is not a reason to get divorced according to the Bible.  Intellectually i understood this; emotionally all i know is that it reinforced the impression that i am worthless. I would have preferred my mother protected me from my father. She couldn’t.  But i was left with the certain knowledge deep in my bones that i am not worth protecting, saving, or loving.

This knowledge was reinforced by certain other members of my family and all of my peers. It’s really hard to have self-confidence when people that you love tell you you’re not good enough to your face. The actions come through loud and clear, but the words make it worse. Every time it happens a part of me is screaming inside that it isn’t true, that i have worth and value. But a part of me believes the lie just as much if not more. 

I’ve read that some childhood victims of abuse and domestic violence don’t know anything different. They think that abuse is normal and in turn become abusers themselves. I always knew it was wrong. I grew up self-aware, a tiny helpless adult stuck in a child’s body. The great irony is that i am just as helpless as an adult.  My father has mellowed in his old age. I am no longer his victim. Another family member still emotionally abuses me and treats me like a child, even in public. They are just as clueless about the fact that their “honesty” is hurting me.

I am very skilled at intuiting what a person is feeling. This isn’t a gift, it’s a defense mechanism that i learned along with walking, doing whatever is possible not to offend people, talking, and hiding how messed up i am inside. I still find it extremely difficult to talk about my history, not least of all because my mother doesn’t want anyone to know. Along with this intuition comes a couple of side effects. I am very empathetic and shield others’ from distress and cheer them up as much as possible. I am always on the lookout for the faintest sign of impending anger/trouble/attack. I try to always be kind. I am a great listener. And i pick up on all the smallest of passing comments and believe veiled, indirect criticism far more than a rare compliment.

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Now let me just head off any anons who want to tell me to stop whining, grow up, or to stop being a victim. This is not something i can turn off or just get over. I was trained to be a victim by my parents. Like my mother, i don’t retaliate, i just silently take the abuse. I try to hide the fact that it affects me. I understand others’ pain because pain is a familiar “friend” that i grew up with. Pain is how i know i’m alive and there is no way to escape it so i might as well hug it tight and hold on for dear life.

I understand that Tony Stark uses his “ego” to hide how damaged he is. I understand why Loki won’t trust anyone with his pain. I understand that Rey’s resilience and independence and the way she shakes things off is a testament of the pain she endured growing up and still hides deep inside her. There are some very important reasons for hiding your reactions from your abuser(s). Vulnerability can and will be used against you. Tears or anger are seen as a further provocation by an abuser, are a challenge to their unquestionable authority.  

Tears are ammunition for others to use against you, an invitation for further derision, a vulnerability that i could ill afford as a child. I taught myself to not let myself cry and paid for it. I had to relearn how to let myself cry and i wear it as a badge of strength that i can be soft enough to feel anything and everything other than hatred and anger. Even as an adult, people try to act as if it is not appropriate to cry. Don’t believe that lie. Tears are a natural reaction to stress, compassion, sorrow, joy, and a myriad of other stimuli. Tears, as it turns out, are another coping mechanism.

I spend my life seeing rude and belittling behavior magnified (whether it’s directed towards me or not). I cannot ignore it. Once again, this is my intuitive defense mechanism:  notice the warning signs early and often so you can avoid setting off potential abusers. Nowhere is safe except my own bed with Snowy. In public, this is where my imaginary friends come most into play. I never had an imaginary friend as a child (other than Snowy standing in for some unknown potential boyfriend), i didn’t have one until i saw Happy Gilmore as an adult. 

In that film, Happy goes to his happy place so he can let go of anger and focus so he can golf better. I initially created my own happy place to go to whenever i was feeling annoyed or anxious.  I didn’t initially have any people in my happy place the way he does (nor was it sexual in any way lol). But over the years it gradually picked up sages such as Gandalf or Captain Picard who could make me feel safe and give words of wisdom (that are actually things i already known inside myself but have more weight when they say them). 

My happy place gradually changed from a sunny meadow to a campfire on a beach at night. Throughout college, i was consistently alone and my imaginary friend became a sympathetic ear that would provide comfort, casual conversation, and joy during everyday situations. Imaginary Twelve/Peter Capaldi once talked me down from a panic attack in the metro (subway) after a man got into a woman’s face and yelled at her halfway down the train car while we were underground (trapped), in between stations (trapped), on my way home at the end of a long day (tired and it was the only way home so trapped).  And sometimes more recently the people in my happy place are men closer to my own age who are there to shield me with their body from the elements on that beach or even cuddle.

As you might imagine, i am extremely demisexual. I cannot have casual sex, i couldn’t even have sex with the couple of boyfriends i have had. I have been hurt deeply by the man who i trusted the most, i still “know” that no man could ever want me (even as i know that knowledge is wrong and hate feeling that way), i still know that anyone has the potential of hurting me deeply. I’ve only kissed another person in a dream once in memory and i’ve never had a sex dream to my knowledge.

I’m not trying to protect myself from potential sexual partners or push them away, i’m just waiting for the right man, someone who sees how damaged i am and accepts it as a part of who i am. I do want to be the pursued rather than the pursuer. I don’t think i could believe that i am legitimately wanted any other way. I have been the pursuer in all of the potential and actual relationship that i’ve had and being rejected has only reinforced feeling unwantable. It is very rare for me to feel chemistry with anyone.

I enjoy pleasuring myself but rarely imagine anyone being with me when i do so, especially as i age. When i was a child and didn’t even understand what i was doing i imagined that i was a character, part of an OTP that was married. I once saw a video on YouTube where a girl (who also termed herself as demi) described her fantasies in the same way. I am pretty sure that i will never have sex outside of marriage. I hate being a virgin even as i cannot imagine having had sex with any of the men i have liked or loved. I tend to dislike kissing in my limited previous experience. Even when i’m dreaming i “know” that men (and women) aren’t the slightest bit interested in me in that way. Sometimes i’ll dream that a guy is interested but by the end of the dream it will turn out that he’s more interested in easier targets with a more conventional appearance.

Another thing i grew up with was the knowledge i was fat. My parents were always trying to lose weight even when they were a normal, healthy weight. My peers first told me i was fat in second grade. Magazines make their money off telling girls that they aren’t good enough, it was just another lie that i believed. I didn’t get fat until just before i turned eighteen and it happened very suddenly while i was working out six days a week.

I don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed and i don’t know what it’s like to not be a victim. I recently realized that i have been a victim in most of my work situations. I was a victim throughout high school with multiple teachers/coaches. Most of my bosses and even their bosses have been abusive.  I’m actually an optimistic, trusting, and forgiving person by nature and somehow i continually find myself in these situations. I do not cause them. I do not ask for them. Idk if God is trying to teach me something but it’s difficult going through life thinking “finally, this is the time i will be blessed and not have to fight to be happy” only for it to be yet another abusive situation.

I could go on to talk about how all my peers have treated me (even the few friends i’ve had) and how it feels like i am constantly being ignored and how it is very important me to be independent and self-sufficient but i think this is enough of me being too honest for one day. 

I just wanted to try to explain some of the whys of my anxiety, depression, and insanity.