#I have a feeling I’m going to make some baaaad impulsive decisions.

[bbygirlbambi]

Also also

I switched to a different medication for now, and one of the side effects that’s fucking with me the most, is hyper-arousal. As opposed to the previous medication that made me basically asexual.

So, current life update:

I’m employed, impulsive and feral.

Edit to add to the life update:

When I make myself cum, it’s just making me more feral and twitchy. Nothing is giving me relief. Fuck.

…..This might be a problem. SOS.

[hellacioushag]

Yes, thank you!! Forbidden romance trope is nearly impossible to do right. And lemme tell you, the way it may or may not be starting off in az’s pov is baaaad. Him wanting to bang the crap out of her but “it’s wrong” doesn’t scream love. It screams lust and self hate. He’s still messed up from Mor, messed up in general and feeling entitled to something he’s not entitled to. Overall, not cute. How e/riels interpret that scene as forbidden LOVE is beyond me. More like forbidden lust

i can't and won't speak for those shippers, but i will say i am assuming that because rhys told az to fuck off and leave elain alone that is where the forbidden aspect comes in. and like rhys would not have pulled rank on azriel if he actually was in love with elain and was able to convey that. cause from rhys' perspective az is about to throw the night court into some serious political bullshit over an impulsive need to fuck. az didn't talk about elain in any way that conveyed he had intentions beyond screwing her in a dark corner.

i'm not saying rhys was right to forbid az from pursuing elain, i think that decision should be their own. but i also don't know what it is to play politics and have to run an entire court and your alliances could fall apart because one bat boi wanted to scratch an itch. i firmly believe that rhys would have supported az and elain, maybe not while her mate was a few floors above them, but i think he would have supported their desire to be together if it was anything more than an impulse. we don't know what elain was thinking, she may have actually dreamed of a white picket fence life with az, but we know for sure az was just wanting to give into his desires and didn't think about their future or the consequences of being with elain.

and tbh i don't think the love of a good woman is the cure for azriel. i see a lot of people (mostly twitterverse) where they cry about how az just wants to be loved and have a mate of his own...cool, but his issues go way beyond not having a mate. he has a lot of shit he needs to figure out before he can ever think about being with someone else. which is why i teeter on whether i ship him with gwyn. i think they have a shit ton of potential, but i also don't like the idea of any woman being the band-aid to azriel's pain. he needs to figure out his own self-worth, that should not be the responsibility of whoever he ends up with.

and this is not me saying anyone with self-esteem issues or mental health issues doesn't deserve love. this is me saying that unless az does the emotional labor of working on himself and learning to love himself any romantic relationship he has will leave him feeling unworthy of his significant other. and feeling unworthy can lead to paranoia and jealousy and rage (hmmm....sounds familiar) and it will ultimately turn any relationship he has toxic. it should not be his significant other's responsibility to make him feel self-worth.