#I hate the tumblr app and I give up on ever formatting this properly maybe I'll try retuning it all tomorrow but for now fuck this

[btsandvmin]

BTSandVMIN update: On “Spring Day analysis”, making videos and creating a Patreon

There are a few things I would like to talk to you all about, and things I have been thinking about for a while. I thought it was time to give you all a bit of an update on the things I am doing, want to do and how I might have to do them.

Ok, so first of all, as you know I have been working on the Spring Day analysis for quite some time now. In fact I have been working on it for so long it has long since stopped being just about Spring Day. Rather than being about Spring Day and Vmin it has become a collection post where I go through many similarities in Vmin’s (in particular Taehyung’s) songs and discuss themes and topics with Spring Day simply as the main foundation of inspiration.

The text kept getting longer and currently it is around 24 000 words long + images (130+ pages in google docs). I honestly don’t think Tumblr will be able to handle it. I have been thinking about what to do with longer posts for a while, especially after the Vmin analysis - 4 o’clock which didn’t show up in the tag, loaded very slowly, took a long time to re-make in tumblr format and also didn’t get that many notes. You all know I have struggled and complained about longer posts here on tumblr many times. Thus I have wondered what to do if I want to keep making them in a way that works. In particular even longer pieces like this “Spring Day analysis” or my even longer “Big Vmin analysis”, which might be very difficult to make here on tumblr in a way that you can all read properly. (Several of you have even told me about your app crashing when trying to read some of my posts and honestly Tumblr just isn’t made for very longs posts with many images.)

After looking into it a bit I decided to make a Patreon just to try, and I could literally copypaste the whole post with images and all in just a few seconds. (WHY IS IT SO HARD TUMBLR?)

Another reason I finally decided to make a Patreon is so that I could create a small community space for me and you; a discord. Through Patreon you get access and I can talk to you guys more freely, and you can also simply use the discord as your own place to enjoy and discuss BTS and Vmin with other Vminies that join my Patreon. I thought this seemed like a fun idea since I can’t properly talk to you all in more conversational ways here (even less so since this is a side-blog), and by having it through Patreon it also limits the discussions from possible toxic outsiders. Basically a safe space away from the haters and antis.

There were also the reactions I got after making my first Vmin video. I talked about that a lot, in many posts:

A personal dilemma What kind of power to influence shippers into becoming delusional do I really have? I don’t know what to do… Making videos…

The concerns I got about me making Vmin videos made me question what to do, and if I should stop making analysis all together if people really worried about what it might lead to. I want to do more good than bad, for the community and for BTS. I am hoping having this space and the discord might make it feel easier for me to keep doing this more comfortably.

I also got some really really sweet messages from so many of you that honestly warmed my heart so much. I mean, there is little I can say to truly let you know what those messages mean to me. Just as one example:

Thank you, to every single one of you for not only sending me love but also understanding and respecting my worries. It means more to me than you will ever know.  💜

The thing is that I don’t want to stop. I still very much enjoy writing and gushing about Vmin, and I also really kind of want to try making videos. So back when this all happened a few of you suggested Patreon, as a way to limit who sees my videos. And after thinking about it I decided to make one, for several reasons.

It might help me to have longer analysis. It keeps away unwanted attention and hate. I can moderate more and have better control. We can talk with each other more freely. I can post things I feel a bit unsure about sharing to the general audience. I could do videos without worrying too much. (And it might also help me with an extra income?)

Don’t get me wrong, I won’t stop posting things here for free, but I think I will post longer posts and perhaps more “analysing” types of videos if I ever get to that point on Patreon. Likely I will post shorter versions that Tumblr can handle, or divide posts into parts here, but keep longer versions intact on Patreon. So the idea is not to stop doing things here but rather to add some other things and extra stuff on Patreon (basically some bonus material, maybe some behind the scenes, sneak peaks and polls).

Right now my Patreon only has one tier “I purple you”, but if things go well the plan is to create a second tier if I ever decide to make videos more frequently and perhaps add some bonus material like Q&A videos where you can ask questions and I talk about them. (I am not sure yet, I don’t even know if videos is something that people will like.) 

I’ve set the price at 15 SEK, which is a bit less than 2 US dollars/month. I don’t know what I might do further ahead, but for now basically it will mostly be some bonus stuff, a way to read longer texts in full (because I will have to divide it into parts here on Tumblr) and a community platform (and of course also a way to support me).

I hope you will check it out and join me! I am especially excited about the discord and getting to talk to you all in a new more casual way!

https://www.patreon.com/btsandvmin

Right now I have the Spring Day analysis posted (I will post it here too, but I need to figure out how to divide it in parts in a good way.) and I also have 2 chapters of my Vmin fanfiction “The last color is our spring”. (Seriously, I suck at naming fics, it’s honestly one of the hardest parts.) Again, I do plan to post some updates, and basically “first edits” of posts or things I feel a bit unsure about talking about here (like more analytical videos), but for now mostly it’s a way to support me and join the discord so we can share our love for Vmin together. 💜

Also, even if you don’t join I will still appriciate you all and the love you give me here. Seriously, this is mostly meant for you, and only if you want it and like it will there be any point to have it. I feel it is worth giving it a try. 

Become a Patron!

[mochatea-and-kittens-blog]

So I lose notes a lot even on my phone, or sometimes just forget them completely so here’s the notes I have currently on my Star Trek AU! Overwatch ;;; hopefully someone gets something outta this??? Idk??? If anyone has feedback or smthn I’d be happy to hear it I guess ;;

This is technically a Voyager AU, bc that seemed like the most interesting to explore w the Overwatch characters 88,) and also I’m biased Voyager is my favourite,, there are some changes ; like Talon exists instead of the Marquis (am I spelling right 88,) ), n obviously the characters and shit, but all the aliens that exist in Voyager exist in the AU.

Some of the characters are aliens lol..

More important provisional members ;; McCree, Junkrat and Roadhog were part of Talon in this AU so that makes five !

So obviously this has a plot closer to that of Voyager than that of Overwatch..

I did consider just going all out and renaming Starfleet Overwatch but ??? Idk ???

This is an AU I came up with after a night of no sleep quickly followed by being reminded by someone how much I love B'elanna Torres so . Idk ??? It’s probably bad..

Anyways here are the position headcanons!!!

Main Bridge: Captain: Jack Morrison (Security) First Officer: Ana Amari (Medical) (Commander) Conns: Tracer (Ensign) Ops: Hana Song (Ensign)

Others: Security Chief: Gabriel Reyes (Lieutenant) (“Provisional”) Jesse McCree (Lieutenant Junior Grade) (“Provisional”) Fareeha Amari (Lieutenant Junior Grade) Reinhardt Wilhelm (Lieutenant) Aleksandra Zaryanova (Lieutenant Junior Grade) Chief Scientist: Winston (Lieutenant Junior Grade) Mei-Ling Zhou (Lieutenant Junior Grade) Medical Chief: Angela Ziegler (Lieutenant) Tekhartha Zenyatta (counsellor too, no rank ???) Lúcio Correia dos Santos (Ensign) Chief Engineer: Torbjörn (Lieutenant Commamder) Satya Vaswani Jamison Fawkes (Ensign) (“Provisional”)

N/A:

Sombra

Mako Rutledge

Amèlie Lacroix

Hanzo Shimada

Genji Shimada

Bastion

So the three marked with “Provisional”, along with Sombra, Roadhog, and Widowmaker, were the six main Talon members who got allowed to be parts of the crew.

Ana originally trained to be a medical officer, completed that training, and continued on to become a Commander.

Jack was training in security 88,)

Probably Gabriel went to Starfleet Academy but he was thrown out for something that wasn’t his fault and now he’s salty and leading a small group of Talon agents on missions. (Talon has fixed teams I guess???)

It’s been a while since I watched Voyager ,,, at the beginning, were the Marquis trying to stop Starfleet from doing something, or did Starfleet get Intel on where to find a group of Marquis? I’ll rewatch the first season sometime.

Anyways;; Talon was probably specifically attacking the Voyager (hey maybe I’ll call the ship Overwatch!) to gain something.

Talon is more of a terrorist organisation that the Marquis 88,)

Athena is the ship’s AI

I’m not sure whether to make Zen a robot/android or smthn, or an alien. Either would work..

Sombra is either an alien or a sentient hologram. Haven’t decided yet.

Genji got assimilated by the Borg during a mission for the Shimada clan, and Hanzo blames himself bc he had not yet finished his own mission when Genji was sent out and it would have been him sent instead of Genji if he’s been faster.

Hanzo stowed away onboard Voyager bc he heard they were supposed to be an exploration or whatever type thing 88,) and he’s looking for Genji

I think I made Genji the Seven of Nine of this AU, huh…

Idk what to do with Winston ???

I can’t remember the sciences subdivisions but I’ll decide that later when I’m more awake

Same with Aliens

We don’t rly no much about Doomfist but dumb side note! He’d probably be Trill

I kinda wanna make Ana half Klingon and Fareeha a quarter Klingon but bare with me.

Zenyatta is a trained medic but he acts as the ships counsellor. I think the counsellors had ranks but I’m not sure if I want him to be a Starfleet member or not yet. He’s a Lieutenant JG for now.

Hog is probably an alien but I’m not sure what yet

Junkrat too maybe???

I’m a little rusty on the aliens of Star Trek, sorry,,,

There are some others who I’m considering making aliens;;

Genji/Hanzo, Widow, Symmetra, and the ones I’ve mentioned previously. Idk I’ll sleep on it.

Reinhardt was assigned as Security Chief, and the first to be promoted, discounting provisional ranks given, whilst in the Delta Quadrant, but he stepped down when the crews merged as a sign of good faith. Torbjörn probably dislikes Reyes bc of this,,,

tbh Reyes was another character I was considering for Klingon

Side note two; Ensign Hana Song is my new favourite thing,,,

Also Ensign Lúcio helping Mercy around the medbay,,,

I honestly don’t remember much from the science departments in any of the series’??? Were they important???

Symmetra mans the transporter and you can’t convince me otherwise!!!

How is Rat still allowed inside Engineering? We will never know..

Reyes’ team was a nightmare to work with; three of them wanted to go in covert, two of them wanted literally everything to blow up, and the sixth kept missing their meetings and actually dresses up like a cowboy.

Poor Reyes.

Idk what to do with Bastion???

If I knew how to put this post under a cut, I wood. Apologies.

Any feedback or smthn? Anyone get through it? This is kinda a mess sorry..

If I figure anything else out I’ll like

post it I guess..

[littleladyphantom]

For the aesthetic ask: plants; converse; old books; winged eyeliner; pastel; white bed sheets ❤️

Hiya lovely 💖💖!

I finally went on Tumblr through my desktop so I could do this properly! With that being said, let’s get on with the ask:

Plants: Pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. 

I would have to choose my sister (though I will say it right here, right now: RM was a very close second choice 😂). Anyway, the reason why I chose my sister is that it’s bonding time for the two of us; we both love the universe, especially the starry night and all it’s burning constellations. In fact, we stargaze as much as possible—which… isn’t much since we live in a city-like area. We probably go camping solely for stargazing 3 to 5 times a year, but still—and somehow she still manages to always have something new to teach me about the stars. It’s amazing and so calming and… wow, I really wanna go stargazing now. 

Converse: Would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? 

Yes, I would! I’ve done it before and many strangers have done it to me as well… rather spontaneously, in fact, and usually on late night but rides. But anyway, that’s not the point! There’s just something so strangely comforting about saying your deepest thoughts and worries out loud and literally letting it go with someone who you may or may never see again.

Old books: What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? 

I can’t really think of anything that I wouldn’t want them to know right now. I’m pretty open with my parents, but hm… maybe I wouldn’t want them to know how much I spend on kmusic albums, but I don’t think they would really care about that fact. 

Winged eyeliner: Write a hundred word letter to your twelve-year-old self.

I’m gonna have to skip this one because my answers are already hella long and I do not need this to be never-ending. Though a hundred words are not a lot, in reality; they’d pile up with all my other answers ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯.

Pastel: Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? 

I’m definitely more pastel than punk, but I wouldn’t say that I’m full on pastel if that makes sense. 

White bed sheets: What is your night time routine? 

My nighttime/bedtime routine is semi-long. I’m currently in the process of changing it timewise, mainly so that I will sleep earlier and wake up at my goal time of 0615 for Uni. I won’t put any time down, but I will give you a rough overview:

Have a cup of caffeine-free tea, usually Sweet Cinnamon Spice or Spearmint, or golden milk. Y’all I recently discovered golden milk (aka turmeric latte) and I am in love. It’s utter perfection and makes me feel so warm and cozy and sleepy.

Brush my teeth.

Complete the first half of my regular skincare routine: wash my face with an oil cleanser, then a water-based cleanser. Tone with rose water. Apply Vitamin B serum. 

Soak my ear—aka industrial piercing that I got it in February as a Valentine’s Day gift to myself—in a saline soak.

Complete the second half of my regular skincare routine: apply eye cream and then moisturizer mixed with rosehip oil.

Braid my hair, usually in a single or pair of french braids. Loosen said braids so that it’s not too harsh on my scalp or tugging at night while I sleep.

Do my nighttime stretch routine, which is usually 15 to 20 minutes. 

Either journal, penpal, or sketch at my desk or read in bed for about half an hour to an hour. Though since Uni is starting up soon, this might include occasionally doing art homework or studying.

Sleep.

Alright, I think I’m finally done now. Jeez, is this post long or what? Anyway, I hope you’re satisfied with my answers, lovely and sorry for the long wait! I hate answers these types of asks on my phone since they’re harder to format via the app.

[andyuris]

hi trev! i was wondering if i could get some advice on diversity in an rp? you are totally fine to turn this down, i know it can be exhausting! anyway, i joined an rp but i recently started to notice that it's largely white. i want to give the admin the benefit of the doubt and assume they were just picking the writers they saw best, but it got harder when i brought it to their attention on anon and it either didn't go through or they ignored it. (1/3?)

because of a new thing they’re doing which looks like it’ll really encourage diversity (a lot of poc, a lot of trans people), i feel like i should give them some time before coming off anon (maybe two weeks) but... should i? i’d hate to leave because i was and am so excited, but it’s making me a little uncomfortable. however, at the same time, i’m white and cis - would my discomfort matter much? (2/3)

i’m so sorry for rambling! it’s also still in its beginning phase, so is that something that matters? i’m so sorry, these are just questions i’ve been asking myself a lot ever since the ask was possibly ignored. do you have any advice? and again, if you’d prefer to not answer or you’re just exhausted, i completely understand! thank you so much and i hope you have a great day/night! (3/3)

OKAY ! hi , anon . excuse this weird ass formatting because idk tumblr is weird and i don't know how to properly format asks anymore. first and foremost , whether you're white and cis or not , if you see something that doesn't sit right with you whether irl or in a rpc setting then i think it's good to speak up versus staying quiet so i do think it's a good thing that you said something . i feel like being able to see the role-play in question would help give you a better answer so i could see what you mean / what type of group it is ( i'm a visual person ) but with the information that i have , it almost sounds like having diversity was a bit of an after thought ? i feel like knowing what you're going to do when it comes to diversity in any group should be the first thought when you're putting you're group together / opening / when you get to the stage of accepting apps .

imo , i feel like it doesn't matter what stage you're at in an rp . just as much as getting your plot / characters in order let alone like your theme and stuff , how you're going to make your group diverse should also be priority along with everything else so idk , i'd probably be uncomfortable too if i were you or anyone else .

i think it's really up to you if you want to stay and give the admins the benefit of the doubt . this conversation has been happening for so long and so often that it feels like a conscious decision not to have something in place in the beginning but hey ! maybe they did see your message and see the error and now they're trying to fix it .

if you want , you can send me an IM off anon with the rp in question and i'll poke around . if it makes you more comfortable , i won't post the name of the group publicly or anything but i feel like know which group it is / being able to see if for myself will give you a better answer . even if not , i hope this helped in some way .

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW 

[imnottrulyjust-blog]

What depression is like

I wake up from a stupor fully remembering the nightmare was experiencing. The demons haunting me in my sleep. Her voice so clear near my ears just to have it muted by her mocking laughter.

♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪

I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today? Wait, what day is it today?

My body feels the net force of a neutron star acting on it while trying to will my ass out of bed each morning. Almost all light sources damage me; I say almost, because the light displayed by my smartphone while verifying if she still has me blocked on social media gives me a few seconds of hope while the apps load; almost, because the same light displayed by my phone while browsing my collection of pictures of her bring you a smile that is shattered by a scream of agony mixed with an endless stream of tears flowing from my dead eyes. Then again, she hated seeing me cry.

My pets, my loyal guardians and companions, whimper at my feet due to the lack of affection from their master. How long until they turn feral? Doesn’t matter. They’d be doing me a favour if they ate away at my body while I sleep. Then again, she wasn’t a huge fan of pets and would’ve taken them to a shelter to find a new home.

Oh, shower time. Some say the water running down your body washes away your pains. Fools! You’re just making space for new miseries. The only solace of being inside your shower is not having to be worried about flushing the toilet after taking a piss. So what if you pee on your feet? She’s gone anyhow; you don’t matter. A bit of body wash and nobody will even know you also stepped on a bit of shit after cleaning your anus. Then again, she was always a clean freak.

Well, I guess there’s also a benefit in being able to clean up fast after masturbating inside the shower. Oh, that sweet mixture of serotonin and oxytocin. What peaceful 60 seconds after cumming! You work at it for 60 minutes while trying to think of anything other than her and you get a full minute of relaxation. Whoop dee fucking do! Then again, she would get upset if I was moody.

Medical experts say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, fuck you. I wasn’t even supposed to wake up today, or ever again, and now you want me to cook something for myself? Then again, she would get worried if I didn’t take care of myself.

Need to get dressed for work. How bloody stupid is it that we can’t go to work wearing sweat pants and a comfortable t-shirt? Who the fucking hell cares if I don’t wear a suit every day I need to have a meeting with the higher ups? What does it matter if I don’t wear a button-up shirt every other day? Let me wear my Rick & Morty shirt or my witty engineering shirt every now and then. I know my boss wears his when he’s out with his family. Then again, what if I see her on my way to work? She liked when I dressed up nice.

“You’re a great manager! Keep up the good work! You saved the company millions with that study, so we hope you stick around for many years to come!” What does it matter? Any jackass with half a brain and respect for the job can achieve good result, until a student trained by me shows up asking for a job and takes mine away. Then again, on special occasions, she’d tell me how proud she was.

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head ♪

Did my phone get hacked? I swear I keep hearing her damn ringtone.

Lunch time. I remember a time when friends would make fun of how much I would eat and envy the fact that I would stay in shape. That seems like ages ago, back when I still felt joy from doing physical activity. Back when I tried my damnedest to look good for her. Why should I care if I look good for myself? It’s not as if I’m a narcissist. Then again, she was always fond of looking her best. She always did, even when wearing sweat pants, a Star Wars shirt, and no makeup.

I look at the time, and somehow it’s already time for me to go to the university to help students with their final projects. What the fuck? Can I travel through time? I was eating lunch just a few minutes ago and it’s suddenly 4:30pm. I hope she was able to have lunch.

I dread going to the university. She’s still taking classes there and our times coincide. However, the students need me. They’re all missing titles for each figure, table, and chart; figures are not properly aligned; the data is poorly explained; the table of contents is manually formatted; no APA-style references; lackluster conclusions. Honestly, these reports are almost as mediocre and worthless as I am. I can’t let them hand in that shit. Just the way I helped her out polish her own work until the Sun rose in the morning.

“Since you’re too busy helping others, I can go fend for myself. I can take care of myself just fine. I have my own resources.” Is that all I am to her? A resource? No. I’m beneath that. KNOW YOUR PLACE, FOOL!

It’s late. I can finally go home, but why should I? My pets are there, but if anything happened to me, my closest friends would make sure that my furry pals get new, proper homes. I can easily build up enough speed on the highway to smash into a fully loaded semi-truck. Although, what if I survive? What if I only get badly injured? How am I going to explain what happened? “Sorry officer, I just really wanted to end it all and thought that ignoring my knowledge of physics and probabilities was a fantastic idea!”

What if my mother tries to keep me alive as a vegetable? What about my friends?

What about her? Would she care? Yeah, what about her?! Somebody, please, tell me! Would she care?! IS SHE EVEN AWARE OF HOW I FEEL?! GOD, ZEUS, BUDDHA, ANYBODY, PLEASE!!!! DOES SHE EVEN REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HOW I FEEL?!?!?!?!

My chest hurts. I can’t breathe. Stop yelling at me! My chest fucking hurts! Am I having a heart attack? I can’t be having a heart attack I’m too young for a heart attack whatthehellisgoingon STOP YELLING what is this amIgoingcrazypleasestopyelling AM I GOING INSANE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. ♪

My phone’s battery is dead. I must be hallucinating her ringtone. More importantly, how the hell did I get home? I know I was getting into my car just a minute ago. Maybe I should have dinner, albeit a late one. How about a banan… where did this box of fried chicken come from? When did I stop for food?

I eat about a third of the fried chicken.

And a banana.

With chocolate milk.

…because I can.

She’d probably scold me for eating poorly.

Time flies when you’re correcting written reports, browsing memes on social media, watching Netflix on your smart TV, and absentmindedly looking at all types of porn on Pornhub, Gelbooru, and Tumblr. How the hell did I reblog 100 images, gifs, and videos?

5:00 AM. Must’ve dozed off at some point. I can finish correcting tomorrow along with the 3 reports that are due in the afternoon, 2 meetings, e-mails, phone calls… I hope she’s okay.

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy. ♪

Yeah, I think you’re crazy, but I know you’re amazing.

Good night and sweet dreams. If anything is to happen to you, may the universe instead direct it towards me. I love you.

♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪

I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today?

Wait, what day is it today?