#I hate that insurance is useless rn bc

[obaewankenope]

On the way to the vets now. Here's hoping the prognosis is good for Tibby Wibby.

[toytulini]

.

[vacantgodling]

tl;dr i need help paying rent and health insurance this month. with the money from my recent paycheck, all i need is $263 (usd) to cover these expenses.

i hate to ask for money all the time but idk what else to do.

this month (august) was supposed to be great for getting my finances in order. i would be getting paid 3x, and i had a system that worked.

unfortunately things didn’t work out that way. this month has been the worst month this entire year:

the main issue is i caught covid (after 4 years of never having it once, i succumbed to people’s uselessness and having to go in person to work) and that kept me out of work for a week. the mini vacation was “nice” because my symptoms weren’t too bad, but the looming fear that i wouldn’t have enough for rent has now reared its head.

the week before, i already took 2 days off because my partner was informed their abusive father had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and that sent them spiraling. he hasn’t kicked the bucket yet (ig cockroaches don’t die easily), but from what they said that week they thought he would pass by that sunday.

this past wednesday, the stress of their not so great extended family reaching out + grappling with this ended up with my partner having to go to the hospital for (tw) excessive vomiting—unable to keep water down and extremely dizzy. we were discharged that night thankfully once things calmed down and they are technically fine, just still resting and trying to slowly get back to eating normally. the drs weren’t able to determine what caused any of that to occur, but our current theory is just stress and not eating enough so stomach rebellion. i had to miss 4 hours of work to take them to the hospital so, my next paycheck is also gonna be short but not too terrible overall. i’m not really worried about it.

i don’t want to bore you all to death with all the details of all my other debts and struggles that i’m dealing with rn. i just want to illustrate how this week just fucked me over really badly. i’m currently the only one working between us bc my partner is disabled (and got denied disability for them last week so cool cool. love this country love it here).

and if it helps you feel more inclined to donate to me i’m black, queer, and transmasculine. marginalization bingo etc etc.

if you can’t spare anything i understand, i know we’re all broke and struggling and there’s other causes that are definitely more pressing. this isn’t a matter of life and death. just would really help to not have to get screwed over by this.

i offer commissions so if you wanna check my ko-fi -> https://ko-fi.com/vacantgodling/commissions

(just know there’s a small of a list rn, i haven’t been drawing as much as i need to for the commissions i do currently have and i’m sorry for that i’ve just been stressed out. thanks to everyone who’s ordered for their patience i’ll be getting to stuff as soon as i can)

but if you’d like to just donate to my paypal -> https://www.paypal.me/pinkpurgatory

if you don’t have anything to spare (which again, totally fine) please spread this around if you can i’d appreciate it.

thanks for reading and i hope you have a good day 💛

[sxvxrxssnape]

literally 2.2 weeks until baby and we are so fucking broke we cant pay one of our bills and we cant get actual groceries ajsjdsekcjs im fucking laughing so much rn ahhh this was the month where we had to pay both car and insurance instead of just one so those months are usually harder financially but we also had to buy the carseat and then ofc this month i had a hypomanic episode and i didn't even spend that much but when your budget only allows $150 a month on fun stuff and you have $250 of extra expenses it sure makes a fucking difference aolsjdjeebsbaa im going to kms how am i meant to have a child if i can't even take care of myself lmao. asjxjswjs this is a terrible month to be at negative dollars and at least the bill i can't pay is the one with a $10 late fee (it's the wifi lmao) instead of like "we're shutting x service off" but hngggg i really shouldn't be starving myself now of all times but im really good at dealing with not having enough to eat unlike my husband who works 10-12 hour days doing manual labor outside in late july so im hoping my mom will need help at least twice this week (she cleans houses and when she has 2 in one day or needs to be done by a certain time ill help her and she'll give me like $40-$60 depending) so i can buy food ohhh my y god d why am i so useless and absolutely incapable of actually contributing to anything and on top of that im emotionally taxing bc of course my trauma is making existing so hard rn so i hate the fact that i even exist and am burdening my partner so much like imagine working all fucking day in the july sun, coming home to no food (and not in the sexist dinner on the table way, but in the literal we have pantry items like some rice and cereal but no milk or eggs or produce), no money to get food or even pay the bills despite working so much because your impulsive wife decided she needed to buy coral curtains, paint, and 10 pounds of soap base, the house is a mess because said wife has been spiraling for the last 3 weeks and the only thing she's been capable of doing is tearing the house apart because everything is wrong, starting and not finishing 227373 craft projects in the middle of the night, and having panic attacks. so now you're tired, hungry, annoyed bc you know you'd have more money if you didn't leave work early once a week to go to these prenatal appointments but you have to bc your spouse has an anxiety disorder, and despite being there the triggers are still there and now you have to deal with an absolutely useless human being who is draining all your resources but she isn't sleeping or eating and having emotional flashbacks all the time and needs help to just get in the god damn shower like why thebtuckijg fuck am i alive for

[captain-oblivious]

current thoughts:

(lots of whining and self-pity below, lmao. I’m feeling okay mood-wise, but I mention some heavy topics, be warned)

will the legg bounce ever stop for long enough for me to sleep tonight

what the fuck am I gonna do once I finish my PhD? (if I finish my PhD. if I finish my MSc)

people keep asking me if I’m gonna try for a PhD even after I’ve told them that I will several times; it’s hard to shake the feeling that they see me as incompetent

impostor syndrome for days. IMPOSTOR SYNDROME FOR ALL ETERNITY

it’s been one year of grad school and I have yet to make any friends; there’s just a bunch of acquaintances. why am I so socially useless

ugh I have to see my mother tomorrow

if I don’t answer my mother’s texts within a day then she starts assuming that I’ve gone and killed myself wtf

I literally haven’t been suicidal since I started on meds 4 years ago

weighing the pros and cons of moving far enough away to not have to visit my parents regularly. the big con is that I end up far from my friends

the world is complicated what are opinions

torn between the need to stay informed and the need to shield myself from excess nastiness in the news for the sake of what remains of my sanity

all my friends are settling into relationships and I’m just drifting here

relationships seem like too much of a hassle rn, but co-habitation is convenient and cost-saving

in general I can go for long periods of not really being interested in anyone yet I deeply envy friends of mine who are in good relationships

fun fact: I have literally never asked anyone out bc I’m a cowardly wimp apparently. I’ve been that pathetic pining dude who never had the guts to make a move that everyone makes fun of a fair number of times

also despite the fact that there were some ostensibly Good Moments, and that there was never any abuse, just a bit of insensitivity, I regret dating my ex, I wish it had never happened, and thinking about the fact that I dated him at all makes me feel slightly ill

so I’ve sorta had a mild crush on this one friend for ages but I’ve never said anything bc I don’t want to make things awkward or to start going out and then have a bad break-up or something

all my friends are also getting Real Jobs™ while I’m stuck in grad school

once I’m done with grad school, I’ll have to hurry up and get a job with insurance coverage for medication ASAP bc my meds cost as much per month as some people pay in rent T_T

unless some of my Weird Health Shit I Don’t Discuss In Detail clears up, which it may or may not

I could go work for a bank and make decent money but also hate my job and prob not have time to spend said money

having a job in general sounds like such a drag ugh

how could I handle not getting bored at a job, I can’t handle hobbies for more than a few weeks before I get bored

I literally can’t get good at any of my hobbies bc I can’t stick to them long enough to make any significant improvements

hobbies should be about fun, not about being better than other people, but I’m lowkey a competitive piece of shit so I get demoralized when everyone is better than me at shit

hyperfixation is such bullshit why can’t I stick to one thing and have that be My Thing forever

or I wish I could be immortal so that I’d finally have time to get good at all of my hobbies

I suck at being consistent with ANYTHING and it is AGONIZING

a friend of mine who has ostensibly worse ADHD than I do (she got diagnosed as a kid) is able to function without meds and hold down a well-paying job while I’ve gone through a whole gamut of meds of all sorts

types of brain meds I’ve been on: SSRIs, antipsychotics, NDRIs, benzodiazepines, atypical antidepressants, and now, stimulants

I’m torn between caring for my parents and wishing I could have nothing to do with them

phew, okay, I’ve managed to dump most of my brain here, and I’m feeling considerably more relaxed

[g1rlcore]

gonna talk about money problems 

i dont think we are struggling particularly like the way my mom acts is as if its so fucking dire and we’re gonna be on the streets if we dont budget but shes so fucking annoying and has no like....idk give??? shes so ready to buy dumb shit but then immediately complain abt how much it is and my dad is like this too and i hate hate hate it. my life has constantly been surrounded by guilt i feel like shit for everything i buy, but then continue to buy me shit that i dont particularly need but i just want (in the sense like....every kid wants 1 million barbies but parents dont just give in) and then use that as leverage over me to talk abt how fucking great the are as parents and how im an ungrateful piece of shit. anyways yeah i think this is a common abuse thing like people feeling just guilty for needing expenses and i Feel that rn. 

my situation is not bad i know that there are people way worse off than me and im grateful for everything i do have which allows me to live comfortably and stuff but. 

my wisdom teeth have been fucking killing me for months and its gotten to the point, during the whole of april, that i cant eat spicy food bc it like enters the Holes that are in my mouth and i cant eat anything thats too hard and my teeth hurt constantly to the point where its unbearable and i need pain meds

my periods wreck me every single month like this isnt new and we /tried/ getting treatment for it in the past in the sense like. the fact that i was unable to move every month for days finally made my mom give a shit and we went to 1 (ONE) gyno and they gave me an ultrasound (WHICH 13 YEAR OLD ME KNEW WAS FUCKING POINTLESS BC ENDOMETRIOSIS DOESNT SHOW UP ON ULTRASOUNDS) and it cost a lot of money and the fact that it was useless was leverage for my mom treating me like shit and we never fucking looked for treatment again (there is a separate issue of doctors and basically everyone not giving a shit abt period pain bc its so normalized that “womanhood”= pain and all of my GPs that ive seen have been fucking dumb abt it and never goddamn helped me out further than “idk lol see an expensive gyno” but anyways)

HERES THE BIG ONE....my mental health

this one is so frustrating to type out and find words for im like sobbing rn just thinking abt this lmao sorry if this doesnt make sense 

australia is pretty fucking great with mental health care and insurance like its not the best and it can be shitty at times but ive seen other places and its like. WOW i guess it was a lucky break that my suicidal ideation and mental breakdown happened here i guess!!!

but this...is still not enough for my mom and apparently not for my dad either bc ACCORDING TO MY MOM hes “refused to help out with payment” for my therapy and meds and shit which is bogus of him but tbh my mom is such a fucking liar exaggerating piece of shit that i dont...trust her at all.

i run this over my head so much but GOD getting treatment for my mental health was literally the hardest thing ive done along with both my shit ass parents and my school hounding my ass like...my mental health was so bad its a miracle i survived that point of my life and kept trying more bc like wow A+ @ me 

and the battle is still not done apparently bc this shit has been going on for years....i go on and off therapy and treatment and everything literally constantly for months at a time and nothing is ever fucking set in stone like theres never a moment where i can be like “YES for the foreseeable future i will be going to this place for regular treatment” and it drives my NUTS like god !!! with my current psychiatrist, shes fucking expensive so fair enough like i understand...but the way my mom guilt trips me for this drives me nuts 

i cant finish this post im panicking too much