#I had to redo it but I was cackling this game is so stupid

[swordmaid]

why is she so sweaty omg someone get her a sebum powder

[charmingpplincardigans]

If le petit prince Crowley is your fourth favorite thing about Good Omens fandom, I implore you to share the first three! (Also, what fictional character do you have the same energy as: I can't figure it out because I associate people too strongly with their favs! DO YOU have Crowley energy? Is that what the kids these days call "vibes"? But if I got creative I could absolutely justify saying you have Crowley energy anyway so moot point!)

Oh god. I don’t know if I have Crowley energy. I certainly have ‘asking-too-many-questions, wanting-to-sleep-for-literal-years, past-me-constantly-inconveniencing-future-me’ energy, but I don’t know if I can claim that certain je ne sais Crowleyness of him. He really is relatable for a demon though, right? Like, I too just want to drink wine with my friends and have my plants be verdant and be left alone by my boss to FUCKING PINE. The cute girl I like that I rudely turned down because of my rude brain posted an internal profile to the department the other day and I was just sitting at my desk going ‘OH NO, SHE’S STILL CUTE AND GREAT, FFFFFFF.’ I’ve done this to myself, but then so did those dummies. 

Anyway! KL’s Top Three-ish Favorite Things About Good Omens Fandom 2K19!

3. How it just fucking, rose from the depths!! I was mostly a lurker in Good Omens fandom back in the late 00s. I wrote some (VERY BAD, DON’T FIND IT) fic and I roleplayed Crowley in a multi-fandom game where he got to terrorize Cesare Borgia a bit, but I didn’t really feel like I was a part of it. Probably because I was in Too Many Fandoms at the time. But now this has happened and I’m just. SO. ECSTATIC. There’s so much new art and fic and headcanons and discussion-and and and-for this book turned tv show that I absolutely love to pieces and have for YEARS. There’s so much art in particular that I queued that Le petit prince post a month and a half ago and when I saw your ask I had to stop and go ‘WAIT, WHAT WERE THE OTHER THREE THINGS??’ My queue is groaning. My drafts folder is burgeoning. MY PLANTS ARE WATERED AND MY ANGEL IS FED. 

And mainly, mainly my favorite thing about all of this is that I haven’t seen a single person try to make a distinction between book fans and tv fans or “real” fans and “new” fans. We’re all just in here crying about these idiots (and I certainly mean Crowley and Aziraphale, but also everyone else HEY ANATHEMA, HEY I LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOU) together and it’s beautiful and I’m so happy. 

2.5 The David Tennantssance. Look. I’m just. If you need me I’ll be huddled in my blankets re-watching that whole four seasons of Doctor Who again and also everything else he’s ever been in. Just yesterday Audible informed me they had a voice play of Carmilla with him in it and I cackled to myself in my bed for close to a minute. Like yes, lesbians, vampires, and David Tennant, the true trifecta of common interests. 

2. ALL OF TIME AND SOME OF SPACE. Don’t get me wrong, there was always fanwork for Good Omens that utilized historical moments (for all the characters I believe, because why not). Especially that much detested fourteenth century. But now I feel like that cold open gave us carte blanche to just go ape shit by breathing a little more context into those moments. Never have I been so pleased to see so many people utilizing their hyper specific knowledge/education/interests/upbringing when it comes to depicting these characters because it all works! It’s all on the table! Pick a time period! Pick an occupation! Pick a favorite dessert or type of flower! Pick a PLACE IN THE SKY BECAUSE CROWLEY HELPED BUILD THAT NEBULA. God, I am never going to get over that stupid, single line. I am here for Crowley among the stars, especially outside of time and space. TV!Crowley hits so many of my buttons and I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVING. 

1.5 ALL OF ART HISTORY IS AN OPEN BOOK. God you guys, I am just, never getting over fandom’s decision to redo EVERY PIECE OF ART with Crowley and/or Aziraphale in it. It’s AMAZING AND BRILLIANT THANK YOU ALL. I’M JUST SO HAPPY. And I’m still trying to think of a reason to ask fandom to redo John White Alexander’s Isabella and the Pot of Basil with Crowley because I am IN LOVE with the lighting in the fucking painting and of course I want to put Crowley in it. 

1. Gender? I don’t even know her! WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT MY BUTTONS? Because like, what even is gender? Fuck if I know. I once asked a salesperson at Kiehl’s that after they apologized for trying to sell me on a men’s moisturizer and they did NOT have an answer either! (Probably they thought they did not get paid enough to deal with that, but I don’t care what side of the store the moisturizer is from, my man, just moisturize me! *spritz spritz*) I’m just out here living in the world being both fine with and affronted by the way strangers read me day in and day out like. It depends, but also WHY DO THEY HAVE TO?

So I love every fucking discussion post about Crowley’s gender presentation in the show and outside of it. And I imagine much of that was the work of the costume department with notes from GNeil et al, but it works because, honestly, why would non-euclidean beings give a toss? They have to blend in, so they do, but for all they’ve come to love us they’re not us. Which leaves them free to do whatever, which fandom has fucking run with. My heart grows another size every time I see art or fic of both Crowley and Aziraphale (especially Aziraphale, hedonist extraordinaire) depicted in a way that embraces that, however the artist or writer chooses to depict it. 

And outside of the aesthetics of it, at the risk of being Serious here for a sec, I love the way that lets other fans explore and express themselves. Here are these characters that canonically love humanity but sit outside of it, so why shouldn’t they navigate those spaces of gender and sexuality to the fullest? For research or business or pleasure or whatever? (I mean, also, more angels-are-monsters interplanar weirdness in your sex scenes 2k20, but that’s a separate issue.) 

And I think they as characters should be allowed to do that in the works we create with them because I feel like it’s a very human thing to want to explore and for some people fandom is the safest place to do that. I��ve always been a big proponent of fandom as catharsis, or even as expression of joy that can’t be shared with the outside world for whatever reason. Which is why I go so fucking feral for Michael Sheen telling off jerks on the internet who think fandom is loving this thing The Wrong Way. Mostly, the wrong way to love something is to assume your way is the right and true way when [rant about the nature of art and ownership and belonging redacted]. Kindly fuck all the way off indeed. 

Anyway, I want people to feel safe to find themselves. Honestly, this is a selfish desire, because I’m in my 30s and I also just want to be safe to keep finding myself for however much time I have left. And I think this is a canon and a fandom sort of uniquely positioned to allow for all of it. So we should continue to celebrate that. 

[kdfrqqg]

What’s your elf name? -- Dec 15th

No Pairing: Sam, Dean, Cas, Reader

A/N: This was written for @webcricket advent challenge. Today’s prompt: Affectionate Nicknames. Total fluff.  I used this website (not secure): The Christmas Elf Name Generator with TFWs actual names.  

Word Count: 671

Warnings: Light cussing, poking fun at each other

Two cases of empty beers bottles sat on various surfaces throughout the motel room, and three hunters were clacking away on laptops working on various angles to solve the case while a fallen angel offered his own personal insight.  Your eyes were getting sore and you need a quick break from what you were doing.  At the perfect time, an email popped up from some random website you subscribed to, that piqued your interest. ‘What is your Christmas Elf Name?’ was in bright red and green letters and an adorable elf was waving at you.  Who cares if this is for kids? You were game, a distraction would be good right now and it would help you focus in the long run. You entered the information in that the generator requested, and it came back as ‘Brandybutter Mullinleaves.’  A hushed chuckle came from your lips causing the boys to look over at you.

“What is so funny?” Dean asked gruffly.  He definitely was not in the mood for you to be goofing off.

“Nothing really.” You replied unconvincing and the Winchesters left you alone about it. Moving on you typed in Dean’s information, oh God his was even better, ‘Figgy Jinglebaubles’. You held back a laugh by covering your mouth unfortunately for you, green, blue and hazel eyes were all on you.  

Sam peered over your computer, “Elf names?” he shook his head with a snicker.

“Elf names!?” Dean questioned back and both him and Cas squinted their eyes at you not understanding.

“It’s just one of those stupid Elf name generators.  Mine was Brandybutter Mullinleaves, which is cute, but Dean's is Figgy Jinglebaubles and that’s just hysterical.” You explained with a giggle.

“Figgy what?” Dean asked again.

“Figgy Jinglebaubles” You over enunciated making a funny face with your lips which caused the men in the room to get a good laugh at your silly self.

“Ok what’s mine?” Sam inquired trying not to crack up too much.

You clicked the keys redoing it for Sam’s information, “You sir would be Licorice Scarletsnaps.” You said in an awful British accent.

“No, no, no, that asshat doesn’t even like licorice.  He thinks it taste like dirt.” Dean brought up.

“It’s true, Brandybutter.” Sam sassed using your Elf name.

You quickly changed the settings, “What about Chestnut Glitterlights?” You were overdramatic with your delivery.

“Yeah I can see that Chestnut.” Dean chuckled, flicking at Sam’s hair before he took a swig of beer. “Ok now Cas.”

“Hummm, what last night should I use for Cas? Winchester or Novak?” You asked the room.

In unison the three men agreed, “Winchester!”

“Awww that’s adorable guys.” You snorted at just how truly cute that was.  Your fingers punched in the name Winchester one more time. “Cassie, sweetie, your Elf name is Garland Stripycrackers.” You changed his name from Castiel to Cas in the generator, “Or do you want to be Cedar Tinslepie?”

Cas thought about it, “I would prefer Cedar Tinslepie.” He said dryly which simply made you cackle and the Winchesters laughed their beautiful smiles taking a few precious minutes just to relax and do something that bonded you all as a team.

Dean yawned running on fumes, the laughter had woken him up a bit more but not enough to keep his eyes open any longer.  “Well Chestnut, Cedar and Brandybutter, this little Figgy is hitting the hay and will dream of sugar plum fairies,” he paused, “in bikinis.” You smiled at his totally Dean comment.

“Yeah, Figgy, I think that is the best idea of the night.” Sam said, “(Y/N/N), I mean Brandybutter, you ready too?” You nodded. “Would you like to sleep next to me or Figgy over there?” He frowned when he said Dean’s Elf name.

“Decisions, decisions.” You sing songed moving your lips from one side or your face to other, Sam gave you puppy dog eyes knowing how much he liked holding you.  “Ok Chestnut, you got me.” You told him as you got undressed for bed.

I love all the likes and reblogs but I really do want your feedback. Please leave me a comment; let me know what worked or what didn’t. If you hated it let me know what I could do different. It may determine how I write my next fic.

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[machihunnicutt]

Not Selfish

Chapter 2

(Or read on ao3.)

Evan read the Wikipedia page three times in his bed that night. He knew he needed to fall asleep but he couldn't. When Connor had talked about his polyamorous friend he hadn't made it sound weird or bad and neither did the Internet (for the most part at least.) And the more he thought about that the more he thought about kissing Jared and Connor and the more he thought about kissing them the hotter his face felt and harder it was to close his eyes. He got up to get some water, tiptoeing across the wood floor.

To his surprise the light in the kitchen was still on.

"Jared? What are you doing up it's almost 3 am."

Jared turned to look at him. His face was open in a way it wasn't usually and it took him a moment to clear the emotion from his features. "Hey Ev," he said sharply. "I'm uh...I'm making ramen and a microwave mug cake."

"Oh." Shitty microwave food at three in the morning meant Jared was upset. "Can I join you?" Evan took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Sure," Jared said, wiping his nose discreetly on the back of his hand. "Do you want some ramen and/or cake?"

"I could go for some cake." Jared flicked on the radio to the oldies station and the gentle hum of some 50s slow song filtered in. He put the mug between them and started in on his ramen.

"Are you okay? You're eating your sad food."

Jared blushed and spooned some more of the ramen into his mouth. "It's nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Me too," he muttered. "Hey um..." oh God why was he so nervous. "C-Connor mentioned his um...his p-polyamorous friend today. I d-didn't know that was a thing."

Jared raised an eyebrow but remained silent so he continued. "W-what do you uh what do you think about that?"

Jared cocked his head to one side in confusion. "What do I think about polyamory?"

"I'm s-sorry that's a dumb question I shouldn't have..."

"I think that it it makes you happy go for it. You being a general you not you specifically...not that I'm excluding you. You can do whatever you want."

Evan bit his lip. "Do you think you'd ever be into it?"

"Me?" Jared's eyes widened and Evan wanted to crawl under a rock. "Oh, c'mon Evan there's no way one guy would be interested in me, let alone two."

"That's not true."

"Evan you don't have to lie to me just because I look and feel like shit."

"So there is something wrong?"

Jared winced.

"And I'm not lying. And you don't look like shit. You n-never look like shit."

Jared looked down at his ramen again and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. Evan tried a bite of the mug cake and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It was a stupid, reckless thing to ask but he was glad he'd asked it.

"Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?"

Jared shook his head. "I'm sorry Ev I'm just being a baby." He ran a hand through his hair and Evan frowned.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right?"

"I know. Thanks Ev." Jared still looked sad. He hated that he was sad. The radio continued its melancholy sputtering of old love songs.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Dance?" Jared nearly choked on his ramen.

"W-we don't have to I j-just thought.."

"Fuck yeah Evan," he said quietly, almost a whisper, that didn't fit with the words.

Jared's hand was gentle on his waist. They swayed close together. Evan was nervous that his hand was sweaty but Jared hadn't said anything about it so they just kept swaying.

"Thanks Evan," Jared muttered, and he could feel his breath on his neck.

When the song ended and they broke apart Evan didn't step back right away. His eyes fell to Jared's lips like some lovestruck idiot.

"I should probably go to bed," he said softly.

"Right, me too."

"Goodnight Ev."

"Goodnight Jared." *** "I need you to put that down and then tell me what exactly you think you're doing."

Connor put down the bottle of glitter nail polish he'd stolen from Zoe's room and sighed exaggeratedly. "I painted them black like I usually do but something seemed wrong so I took the black off and tried green but then I forgot it wasn't dry and tried eating chips and messed them up. So I went for it a third time but I was kind of tired and distracted so now I have this." He held up his mangled nails: glitter on some, a mishmash of uncoordinated colors and smudges.

"I love you bro, but you only go nail crazy when there's something wrong. You took your meds this morning right?" Zoe asked, taking a seat across from him and reaching out to wipe the wet polish from his nails. "And don't take my glitter again this shit is expensive."

"Yeah I took my meds. And I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off. Zoe's worry sometimes made him feel guilty. Connor was used to feeling guilty (it was one of his few emotions that included anger, worthlessness, and pining.)

"It's just that I saw Hansen for the first time in a while yesterday."

She finished his nails and selected a deep indigo to redo them. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad it's just that every time I've tried to get together with him before he has always had a date. Evan has a new date every week now."

"Our Evan?" She said, taken aback.

"Yeah...yesterday I remembered how much I missed him."

"And I assume you're also hella jealous?"

He scowled at her. "You could say that yeah but don't tell anyone."

She nodded sympathetically. "All these dates and he hasn't asked you out yet?"

Connor shrugged, eyes on the silver glitter she was now applying. His nails looked like tiny galaxies with glittering stars. "Maybe he just doesn't like me."

"Bullshit."

"He'll probably just ask Kleinman," he muttered.

She frowned. "Do you think Evan likes Jared?"

"It's more likely than him liking me." And Kleinman's not broken like I am, he didn't add. "In any case he's not dating either of us."

Zoe crossed her legs and pulled her hair into a ponytail at the top of her head. He thought she looked more authoritarian with her hair pulled out of her face. Maybe he did too. "You know I hit on a bunch of people before Alana and I started going out. I just wanted to make her jealous."

"I don't think he's doing that."

She sighed. "Look, obviously I don't know the whole situation but I do know you. And you always sell yourself short." He looked up at her. "It's not ridiculous for him to like you. You're very likable Con."

"Thanks," he muttered.

"You're very welcome. Do you want me to do your toes?"

From then on Connor spent more time at Evan and Jared's place, regardless of Evan's dates. When Evan wasn't around he just hung out with Jared. Which wasn't the worst thing in the world he soon realized. He'd actually started texting him more often too. And sometimes they got together for real, and not just to complain about being stuck without Evan.

"So when did you realize you had feelings for him?"

"Why so you can establish your right to call dibs?"

"Connor Murphy, he is a human being I can't call dibs on a human being I'm ashamed of you. Regardless I think we need to establish a timeline."

Connor laughed at the mock seriousness of Jared's expression. They were sitting at opposite sides of the couch, feet tangled together in the center cushion. Connor was doodling while Jared played some video game he hadn't caught the name of. After awhile he had paused it.

"Um...it was senior year. It's kind of stupid to say out loud because it was just this uh...this dumb little moment in high school. He knew I was having a bad day and he was giving me a ride so we could hang out at his place and he just pulled into the drive through at McDonalds and got me fries and ice cream and uh...I'd never really had someone who knew when I felt like shit and went out of their way to make me feel better. And when he handed me my fries and told me he was proud of me for getting through the day I just knew that I liked him."

Jared nodded slowly and Connor felt their feet tangle further, Connor barefoot with his toenails painted and Jared in his thick striped socks.

"How about you?" He asked when Jared didn't say anything.

Jared grinned. "Sophomore year. He climbed the tree in my back yard and when he got to the top he just laughed his head off like an idiot. I was on the ground still and I just remember looking up at him and thinking that I could look at him forever."

"Damn that's really gay."

Jared cackled. "Like you're one to talk." *** Okay so he'd be lying if he said he still didn't like Connor Murphy. He was growing on him: the way he took his coffee black next to Evan's mess of sugar and creamer, his eyes that looked intense even when he was tired or stoned, his soft stories about Evan and drive through fries and about the way loneliness ate at him sometimes. Only Connor didn't say the last thing lightly. Conversations about feelings happened when Evan was on a date and they both felt bitter and cracked open at their chests and knees and ankles. Connor would talk about the scars on his wrists and the lies his brain told him. Jared wasn't so forthcoming. He guessed, when he thought about it, he was used to bottling things up.

"I mean I don't tell my parents much. When I need to say something I know they don't want to hear I just lie."

"I guess I like pissing off my parents," he said. He was cooking a strange mess of eggs in one of Jared's frying pans. Connor Murphy tended to help himself in their kitchen. Although this time he was making food for the both of them. "That dude Evan's out with looks like he belongs in a fucking Wes Anderson movie."

"Yeah and you look like a Twilight extra but I don't say anything about it."

"You're so funny Kleinman," he replied in monotone. "Here, have some eggs a la Murphy." He put the mess of broken yolks and pepper speckled egg bits in front of him before dousing the mess in hot sauce.

"Thank you? I hope you're not trying to poison me Murphy."

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter. It was kind of late for eggs. It was nearly 10 and Evan wasn't back from his date yet. "I used to cook random food when I got really depressed. It was all shit and I usually burned something but it kept me from..." he trailed off, fingering the scars on his wrists. "I don't anymore because food's not cheap and my roommates would probably kill me if I set off the fire alarm."

"What do you do instead?" Jared asked, prodding at the eggs with his fork.

"I sound proofed my room so sometimes I just go in there and scream my head off. Or I talk to Evan. Or I bother you."

Jared looked up at him, meeting Connor's self-conscious gaze. "I kind of don't hate you Kleinman."

"Thanks. I don't hate you either." This felt like something. He didn't know what that something was but it seemed important. "And you aren't bothering me," he blurted before the moment was gone. "I don't make friends very easily and it's nice to have...God, I sound like Ev. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything. It's just nice not to be alone."

"Yeah," he said. "You don't have to eat the eggs just because we're bonding or whatever."

"Oh thank God." *** The more he saw them hang out together the more he thought he should stop being a coward and just ask. Ideally it would be a light, no pressure kind of inquiry, but every time he pictured himself doing it went more like "HI JARED HI CONNOR I LIKE BOTH OF YOU CAN WE ALL GO OUT TOGETHER?" Shouted incomprehensibly in the kitchen or living room or God forbid out in public.

He was having trouble sleeping again. When he wasn't worried about his sexuality he was worried about school. Finals were fast approaching and several of his professors had opted for group projects instead of exams. His groups tended to push all of the work on to him when they realized he was a good student and too quiet to protest. Evan was better at talking to people now but he was still nervous about confrontation. He was getting kind of weighted down and stuck between a rock and a hard place because he didn't want to upset his group members and he also didn't want to have a breakdown. He was walking home from the library and thinking about how much work he had to do and how lonely and weak he felt. It was getting cold. It might even snow tomorrow and his feet were freezing in his worn out boots. Maybe if he started crying his tears would freeze on his face.

"Jared?" When he opened the door he was wrapped up in warmth and the scent of tomato sauce and he could hear crackling from the kitchen. "I'm home. What are you doing...oh."

Jared and Connor were grinning and laughing at each other, both had aprons on and Connor had flour in his hair. "Hansen! You're home," Connor exclaimed when he noticed Evan standing there.

"You're here," Evan replied.

"Evan we're making homemade pasta," Jared explained as Evan stood numbly in the doorway. "We thought you could use a nice dinner but this idiot didn't bring a pasta maker and so it looks kinda fucked up but I think it'll cook alright."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked when Evan remained speechless. His happy expression from a moment earlier faded a bit and Evan felt guilty. He ruined everything didn't he? He was just a big, broken third wheel.

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice cracked pitifully.

"Oh Ev, what's wrong?" Jared put down the spatula he was holding and then Evan started sobbing. He'd tried to hold it in all day but now, seeing two of his favorite people doing something nice for him on a day that wanted to kick him when he was down, was more than he could handle.

Then Jared's arms were around him and he was shaking like a leaf and stuttering out apologies like he was in high school. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is so nice I ruin everything and I'm awful so..."

"You're not awful," Connor said. Jared pulled back and rubbed Evan's shoulders while he tried to calm his breathing."What happened Hansen?"

"Nothing," he choked. He suddenly felt hot and panicky. "It's nothing you guys I'm just a l-little overwhelmed s-sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Connor said.

"Hey," Jared said. He cupped Evan's face in his hands. "You know you can tell me anything too."

"I-I um..." he trailed off, blushing furiously, eyes still blurry from the tears. Connor cleared his throat and Jared quickly took his hands off Evan's face.

"Let's have pasta," Jared said and then backed up (into Connor accidentally which was awkward for a second and involved Connor's hands fumbling on Jared's arms.)

The rest of the night was better than breaking down in his kitchen. The pasta noodles were misshapen but surprisingly excellent. After they ate Jared put on The Office and the three of them curled up on the couch with Evan in the middle. Jared had the dorkiest laugh and Connor leaned his head on his shoulder in a way that grounded him. He liked them so much.

"Call me if you want to talk," Connor said when he walked him out. "I'm always here."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Connor laughed. "I'm a mess and we both know it."

"I think you're great."

"You know you don't ruin anything right?"

Evan shrugged. It was cold and he hadn't bothered to put his coat back on. Connor was wearing the scarf he'd knitted him and his face was pink from the cold.

"You don't Hansen. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

Connor smiled. "See you Hansen. Tell Kleinman I said bye."

"Yeah...okay."

Evan went back inside and helped Jared clean up the dishes. "You guys seem c-close now."

"Yeah," he replied. "Murphy's not a total asshole."

"I liked the pasta."

"Well don't get used to it nerd." He wiped his hands on a dish towel. "Goodnight Ev."

"Night." He'd wanted to say more. He'd wanted to ask him, in a jealous and insecure way, if he liked Connor more than he was letting on.

Who was he kidding? Including him would be too much work. If they liked each other he'd be happy for them. He repeated this in his head so he wouldn't forget it.

Happy for them. Happy for them. Happy for them.

He didn't have time to worry about this. He had class and projects and strangers to date so his head didn't explode. If there was one thing Evan Hansen was good at it was evasion. *** Jared liked it when it snowed. He liked the way it blanketed the trees and turned to slush by the roadside. He liked walking in it with a cup of coffee in hand. Everything seemed stiller on nights when it snowed. It was like the night was holding its breath. Everything felt fresh and expectant and important.

He didn't expect to see Connor Murphy on his porch swing when he got home. It was late. He'd been doing some studying of his own away from the distractions of the house (which often included Connor Murphy.)

"What are you doing here? You must be fucking freezing."

Connor looked up from his hunched position. He had snow in his hair and eyelashes. He'd been crying or smoking it was hard to tell. "I was going to surprise him. But uh...after an hour I texted him to try to figure out where he was and..."

"Evan's on another date. He's got an endless supply of phone numbers apparently."

Connor laughed bitterly and tossed the bag of jolly ranchers he had in Jared's direction. "I got him his favorite," he croaked. "What the fuck am I still doing here Kleinman? Do you know?"

"Come inside. We can..."

"I don't want to come inside." He bared his teeth and spoke in a low growl.

Jared took off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's bare neck. "Fine then. I'll stay out here with you until you do. He sat down. Connor was shaking. His hair covered his face and Jared could tell he was trying to hide his tears the same way Jared had that night at the party.

"I keep trying to tell myself that he's not worth all this. That I don't know...that he's a bad person or whatever but he's not. He's not seeing other people to hurt me or some shit. He just doesn't like me. He just...I just don't deserve someone like him." His voice sounded so broken that for a moment Jared hated Evan. He hated him even though Connor was right and he wasn't doing anything wrong.

"You do deserve someone like Evan."

"You don't have to lie to me Kleinman I'm not a fucking kid."

"You do!" He repeated and it was too loud and echoed in the icy streets, sound tangling with the amber glow from the street lamps. Connor looked up. Jared had realized they had the same weird eyes years ago but he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them. He didn't think he'd looked at the freckles on Connor's nose before either, or the mystery bruise on his right cheekbone he claimed he woke up with and didn't remember how he'd acquired. There was snot on his face and his eyes were red.

Jared had learned that Connor Murphy's default tended to be anger. He yelled. And his tears were more often angry than sad.

Connor drew in a long breath. The anger faded from his face into something more tired and vulnerable. "Why doesn't he like me?" He said.

Maybe they were more alike than he realized. Maybe Connor could understand him the way he understood Evan.

Jared leaned in fractionally, involuntarily and then stopped, rational part of his brain urging him to pause. You don't just do things. You think, you plan, you engineer your image so people can't see all the ways you fall short. For once the irrational and reckless and unconscious won. He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. He kissed Connor Murphy and he tasted like smoke and salt and felt impossibly warm.

What are you doing?

He drew back, apologies on his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. You're obviously in a bad place and it's fucked up to take advantage of..."

Connor cut him off by kissing him back, long and drawn out and hot and mutual and hungry in a way he didn't expect. Because it was just him. It wasn't someone kind and sweet like Evan or hot and edgy like Connor it was just him: not that nice or attractive or confident. It was just him and yet Connor's hands were on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. They broke apart for air.

A loud smacking sound pulled their eyes off of each other. Connor reacted first.

"Fuck! Hansen are you okay?" Evan was lying on his back in the driveway, facing away from them as if he'd been in the process of turning around to go back the way he'd come when he slipped.

Connor reacted first but Jared was the first to stand up. He could feel his heart in his throat. Beside him Connor was breathless, his lips very red even in the dark. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He hated the snow. Shit like this only happened when it snowed.

He ran off the porch and into the driveway, more careful with his steps now. Evan still hadn't said anything. He was covering his face with his hands.

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

It was quiet in his head despite the fact that Connor was yelling something from the yard and a car was driving by. It was quiet and then Evan spoke and it wasn't anymore.

He uncovered his face and looked up at him with a horrified and supremely embarrassed expression. "I'm really sorry."