#I had to do so many fixes for this. Ive replayed this part like 30 times

[bwobgames]

End of round 3

Spoilers!

Playtesters Do Not Interact!!!

[snow-slayer]

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[stonerkat96]

Some real creepy shit get your fix

Some real creepy shit, get your fix. -I doubt it'll be creepy really but ok here we go again- 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes i do 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? -No i wouldn't 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? -Probably this morning lol 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?-i always smile at strangers?? 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? -there was idk if there still mad 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? - snow the product reminded of of casey lol 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? -Uh yoga capries a half sleeve shirt and a yellow California jacket 8. How often do you listen to music? -Pretty often everyday 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? -Jeans i own two pears of sweats i need more 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018? -Probably not but who knows 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? -Im honestly right in between it depends on the day and who I'm being social with 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? -Every single day 13. What about ‘R’? -Nope 14. Can you drive a stick shift? -Kindaaaa been a while my cars auto 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? -The honest answer is yes, i hate it but i always want people to like me. 16. Are you going out of town soon? -I live in a area wear driving two miles is out of town so probably lol 17. When was the last time you cried?- I cry a lot im on my period lol 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? -many people 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?- probably to blue or green because who doesn't love blue or green eyes, everyone thinks brown is boring lol 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?- Yes there is 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. -my cars transmission gave out 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?-uhhh duuuh lol 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?- yes i am 24. What are you sitting on right now?- my couch 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?- yes indeed 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? -honestly not that i can think of 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?- alex of corse 28. Do you get a lot of colds? -recently yes 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? -my mother lol 30. Does anyone hate you?- oh im sure 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? -nope not much of a drinker 32. Do you like watching scary movies? - i love scary movies, pretending to be scared is the best 33. Do you want your tongue pierced? - yes but doubt i could ever do it 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? -2012 35. Did you have a dream last night? -Like 5 lol 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? -5 minutes ago 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? -Very possibly 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? -Yessss 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? -Yeess 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? -Uhhh it was okay 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? -Yes i was 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? -For like 15 minutes yes 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? -Yes a few people 44. What’s the best part about school? -Friendship 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? - yeah i have loads of pictures on fb 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? -I did and one time i called a teacher a bitch in my note she found in my binder n she told the principle and i got a week of detention. That was 8 years ago. Damn time flys 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?-all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?- off and on 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?- not at all 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?- nothing lol 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?- no ??? Why would i have talked to him 52. Are you nice to everyone?- mostly 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? - of corse 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? - ive gone three years 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? - not at all. 56. Do you think you like someone? - yes 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? -Yes i have lol 4 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? -Friends are friends and friends are hard to come by 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? -Yes a few times 60. Do you hate anyone? -A couple people 61. How’s your heart?-right now its pretty great 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? - everyone has something. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? - a few guys 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? - probably no one 65. Are your toenails painted pink? - there not painted 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? - loool no 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? - wtf no thats fucked up lol 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? -Lol no thank godddd 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? - my mother 70. How do you look right now? - hairs in pigtails just chillen, 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? -Yes i do 72. Can you commit to one person? -Yes i can 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? -Yeppers 74. Have you ever felt replaced?- yes by my best friend 75. Did you wake up cranky? -Today??? Nope 76. Are you a jealous person?- depends 77. Are relationships ever worth it? - i guess 78. Anyone you’re giving up on? - i gave up one someone i loved a lot a year ago 79. Currently wanting to see anyone? - yes 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? - call my dad 81. Last person you cried in front of? - alex 82. Is there someone you will never forget? -zachary 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Sometimes 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? -fucking 85. Are you over your past? - yes and no 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? - i thought i did lol 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? - yes yes yes 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? -thatd be fuckin weird as fuck n no lol 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? -Id be like how the fuck did you outside??? And whyyy ? 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? -Lol yep 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? -Hopefully lol plannin in it 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Lol a few ppl. I took a michaels virginity 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Yeah and good 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Yes lol 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Very 97. Who do you have texts from? -Lol I'm gonna list them all okay, JFK 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Depends lmao 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? -Mostly ppl that are older lol 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? -No one jus meee 101. Ever kissed under fireworks? Yes :) 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Very much so --how tf was this creepy lmao ok---- ask me stuff?

[trendingnewsb]

Heather Heyer’s Mom: I Have To Hide Her Grave From The Nazis

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VirginiaHeather Heyers ashes are interred in a safe place, says her mother Susan Bro, at an unmarked, undisclosed, completely protected location.

This site cannot be publicly known because of all those extremists who profess their hatred for Heyer and Bro, and who convey their continued threats of violence toward Bro and others of Heyers family. The location is also secret to protect those who work there, says Bro.

She visits Heyer there in peace, and other members of the family and close friends have been to the location, or will be told in time where the place is and taken there.

Its a symptom of hate in society that you should have to protect your childs grave, for Petes sake, says Bro. So, Im protecting my child now.

As she tells me this, what sounds like the wheezing of a dying animal fills the small room we are in. Bro laughs at how horrific the computer hard drive sounds, especially as we are talking about the death of her daughter at the same time as the machines mortal gurgling continues. Every time I think I turn it off, the computer seems to turn itself on again and the guttural howling begins anew.

Shes here, Heathers here, Bro says, smiling, of the machine in the side office of the Miller Law Group, where Heyer worked as a paralegal, aiding people facing bankruptcy. Heyer, 32, was killed after being struck by a car while protesting against white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Aug. 12. Many other counterprotesters alongside her were injured.

President Trump blamed many sides for the Charlottesville violence, and said there very fine people on both of those sides. After seeing these remarks, Bro would not take his calls.

Today, Bro will speak in detail about what she sees as Trumps encouragement of white supremacy, about her daughters alleged killer who she will face for the first time in court Thursday, of seeing her daughters body for the final time, and of cradling her asheswhich reminded her, piercingly, of cradling Heyer as a baby.

Bro will also speak of not living in fear of those who threaten her, and of her heartfelt commitment to consolidating a legacy of social justice in her daughters memory. Her plain-spoken warmth and fierce eloquence have impressed many.

When I ask if she holds President Trump in any way responsible for her daughters death, Bro says: Im starting to come to that conclusion because he definitely pushes forward a hateful agenda. There are family members that will possibly not have anything to do with me for saying so. Many family members are strong Trump supporters, and continue to be so despite everything they see.

At Miller Law, Heyers desk is occupied by another person now. Her boss and mentor Alfred Wilson admonishes himself when he picks up the phone to ask his trusted assistant something, and says Heather, rather than Amy.

Justin Marks, one of Heathers best friends, still sits opposite her desk. Her friend Courtney Commander, who was with Heyer protesting on Aug. 12, works at the firm. Her death made international news, and transformed Heyer into a civil-rights icon.

Here, in a modest office in a nondescript building outside Charlottesville, daily life carries on, and yet sometimes, Wilson tells me, its like a beat goes missing and Heathers loss, her absence, is all too apparent and raw. On Heyers old desk is a pencil and pen holder, a computer with two screens, and above her leather chair on the wall two professional certificates, one recognizing Heyers outstanding service, performance and dedication awarded to her just three months before her death.

At Miller Law, Bro, 61, has an office out of which she runs the nascent Heather Heyer Foundation, set up to support the next generation of social-justice leaders. Bro runs it with three volunteers. As long as Im doing something proactive, I can control the feelings, the emotions, a little better, Bro says, as the computers death-rattle wheezes on.

On a cold December night, there is a small puddle of flowers where Heyer was killed on Charlottesvilles Fourth Street on Aug. 12. On the brick buildings on either side of the street, graffiti is written in love and pride to her memory: No More Hate, Gone But Not Forgotten, Love, and Heather written in curled lettering, a chalk image of flowers above the real ones.

On television, when the video of James Alex Fields Jr.s Dodge Challenger driving into the anti-Nazi and anti-white supremacist protestersthat included Heyerwas replayed over and over again, the street in Charlottesville may have looked large to viewers.

In reality, it is not much more than an alley off the citys main shopping drag, the Downtown Mall. (A car speeding at a group of people in such a small space immediately made this reporter think of a bowling ball launched at a tightly packed group of pins.)

This stretch of Fourth Street, between Market and Water Streets where Fields drove his car, will reportedly be renamed Heather Heyer Way.

A preliminary hearing for Fields, 20, is scheduled to be held Thursday, at Charlottesville Circuit Courthouse. Fields is charged with second-degree murder, three counts of malicious wounding, three counts of aggravated malicious wounding, two charges of felonious assault and failure to stop that led to death. (Crowds are expected to gather at court; nearby streets will be closed off.)

Heyer was among a crowd of protesters who were demonstrating against the white supremacists, white nationalists, neo-Confederates, Klansmen, neo-Nazis and various militias who had descended on Charlottesville for a Unite the Right rally, organized by Charlottesville resident Jason Kessler. (On Monday, Charlottesville denied Kesslers application to hold an anniversary rally there. The proposed demonstration or special event will present a danger to public safety, the city wrote to Kessler.)

Nineteen people were injured by Fields car. He had traveled from Ohio to attend Kesslers rally, which had been organized to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee from Charlottesvilles Emancipation Park, a few minutes walk away from where Heyer died and where there had been disturbances earlier that day.

A short walk from Lees statue is a statue of Gen. Thomas Stonewall Jackson in Justice Park. Both are now covered in black tarp, invisible but still present. At night they loom like giant phantoms.

The statue of Thomas Jefferson at the University of Virginia, where far-right protesters had gathered holding flaming tiki torches on Friday, Aug. 11, remains uncovered, a lone security guard keeping watch nearby.

Around 30 University of Virginia students had stood around the statues base as the mainly white marchers, dressed in khakis and polo shirts, had shouted such slogans as Blood and soil! You will not replace us! and Jews will not replace us!

Bro won plaudits for speaking so powerfully at her daughters memorial service held at Charlottesvilles Paramount Theater, delivering an impressive, moving, and fully rounded vision of her daughters life, where she also stated: They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well guess what, you just magnified her.

I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued.

An independent report on the Charlottesville violence and police response to it, published this month, sharply criticized both the local law enforcement and local authorities.

Bro echoes the findings. I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued, she tells The Daily Beast. We need to look to cities like Boston and San Francisco to see how they prepare for when these hate groups come to town.

I ask if Bro holds the police and authorities responsible for Heyers death. Well, things could have turned out differently had they responded differently. Its not for me to figure out the whys and wherefores. But we know, according to the report, that all they put there was a school resource officer who definitely had a reason to fear for her safety. She wasnt given protection. And then to simply leave one sawhorse to stop traffic

He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

Does Bro hold Fields responsible for Heyers death?

Absolutely. Nobody made him do anything. I know he claims he felt threatened. The only time people were attacking his car was when he drove into a crowd, and people were attacking his car because he was driving over top of them. He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

It was a pretty stupid move. Hes old enough to know better. My husband Kim looked at what he did, and said it reminded him of a video game, except in one of those you drive through people, and bodies fly everywhere with no consequence. I dont know the kid, Ive never met him. The first time I will see him will be in court this week. I will be going.

Initially when her daughter died, Bro flinched at looking at anything related to it, all videos and photographs, until she got through the initial horror.

Then I thought, I have to know what is going on here. Part of making myself tougher and stronger and fixing my purpose and not turning away from it is partly as a response to the bullies who would love to me see cry and in pain.

I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

She will see Fields in court today, because I feel this is part of what I owe my child. It behooves me to be strong. It also renews my sense of purpose about why I am doing what I am doing. I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

The part of Fourth Street where Fields struck the protesters is small. Its an alley, not a road. Bro drove a lawyer past it recently. I was trying to explain to her whether he could see people or not, you could absolutely see the end of the street. There is no reason to gun it except for the sole intention of killing. There was no mistaking the fact he was driving into a crowd.

What would she ask Fields if she could?

What the hell were you thinking? What did you think was going to be outcome of this?

Fields has not been in touch. Bro is sure his lawyer would not want him to be.

Beyond Fields, I ask Bro if she believes white supremacy and hate killed Heyer that day?

Oh, of course. Of course. I mean she knew that was a possibility, but no one thinks they will be killed for standing up for their beliefs. She didnt go there to be a martyr. This is part of my frustration with people, who either make her out to be a martyr in that she went there to die, or that she was a saint and angel and godly person.

Bro claps her hands as she says the following words, slowly and loudly for emphasis: Heather was a normal 32-year-old girl.

I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis.

Bro still does not want to speak to President Trump.

He responds off the cuff. He doesnt bother to think before speaks, or very calculatedly is trying to manipulate all of us. Im not sure which. I can grant there was a lot of violence on both sides, but to say there were good people on both sidesthats where I draw the line.

You cant say there were good people coming into town with their fists taped prepared to draw blood and do harm. Thats not good people. Nazis: bad people. White supremacists: bad people. And I dont see that you can call it any other way. If you choose to align yourself with those people, and you choose to call them good, then youve told me what sort of person you are. So now I have your number and now I know how I choose to respond to you. And in his case, that means: Im not responding to you, you dont get my time of day.

When you continue to misspeak, and continue to misspeak, until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt.

A number of frantic phone calls came from the White House when she was at her daughters funeral. When she caught up with the news after Heyers funeral, she saw the controversy swirling around the presidents remarks.

I thought, Well, screw him, Im not dealing with this. Im not talking to him. I have no need to go through this charade of pretending to be nice and happy.

He is the president of the United States. That carries a certain weight and power with it. I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis. When someone misspeaks a time or two, its one thing, but when you continue to misspeak and continue to misspeak until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt. So, my respect definitely dims somewhat, shall we say.

I ask if Bro thinks Trump has aligned himself with white supremacy.

Well, his actions speak louder than his words. Look at the way he acted towards protesters at his rallies. He has definitely encouraged violence and hatred, and has made fun of people for race or disability, and then always tries to act like Oh, I didnt say anything. As a teacher, I can tell you that the child in the classroom who continually tries to act out like that and says, Oh, I didnt say or do anything, we held them responsible for their actions. I am seeing an upswell of those who are going to continue to hold this president responsible for his actions.

Think before you speak and speak only the truth please.

Heyer had quit speaking to a few of those family members before she died; Bro had negotiated a truce between her daughter and other Trump-supporting family members; others she left alone because the relationship wasnt strong in the first place.

Today, if she could address Trump directly, Bro would say: Think before you speak and speak only the truth, please.

He disrespects everybody, Heathers not special in that regard, Bro says of the president. He disrespects Native Americans, black people, history, everything. He has no respect for anybody. Having seen him pre- and since the election, its not surprising. He has never changed who he was. This man is not about respect. He never was, he never will be. Its who he is.

The last in-person conversation mother and daughter had was at a buffet restaurant where they talked politics, office, love life, recalls Bro. Mostly with Heather you got a word in sideways. After dinner, Kim went to the car to play video games: He knew Heather would talk for a while. Since the election, Heyers politics and commentary on Facebook had become more concentrated. She was a fervent opponent of any kind of bigotry, most recently challenging the proponents of a local anti-Muslim campaign.

On the day of her death, out on the Charlottesville streets, Heyer had calmly asked a female supporter of white supremacy why she was aligning herself with their politics.

Mother and daughters last actual conversation was by Messenger. Bro scrolls through her phone to find it, noting that so many people claim to be Heyer now.

Hey, you were you born in 56, and whats your social. Im setting up an IRA with work and I have to name a beneficiary, Heyer messaged her mom, who passed along her information as requested.

But stay alive, Bro added.

Heyer replied, lolol, Ill try thanks.

Id rather have you than the money, her mother replied.

Then she said lol, and we sent the love emoticon to each other, Bro says quietly.

And that was the last conversation I had with my kid.

Her voice cracks.

That was on August 3rd. You never think thats going to be the last time you talk to your child.

It was good that Heyer was getting her financial affairs in order, says Bro, even if it was all in process at the time of her death. Wilson was working with Heyer on plans to safeguard her income and have her invest in property.

The detective just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

That Saturday morning, Bro didnt know Heyer was at the counter-demonstration. She had heard of the unrest in town without realizing Heyer was caught up in it. She had had a stressful week at work, and was relaxing.

Hours before Heyers death, Bro had posted this on Facebook: If I could give my daughter three things it would be the confidence to know her self-worth, the strength to chase her dreams, and the ability to know how truly, deeply loved she is.

It was meant as a spontaneous message of love and pride to her child. Time has transformed it into something more tragically moving.

You dont expect your kid to pass away, get killed. Like that, she says.

The first moment Bro knew that something terrible had happened was when Justin Marks called her. He told her the hospital was looking for Heyers next of kin. Bro kept calling the hospital, but was told they had no one of Heyers name there.

Bro screamed for her friend Cathy to take her to the hospital. Kim, who was elsewhere, would follow them.

A stranger answered Heyers phone and said he had found it on the sidewalk.

Bro called him back to try and get hold of Marissa Blair, a friend and colleague of her daughters who been with her at the demonstration and whose fianc, Marcus Martin, had pushed her out of the path of the car (he suffered a broken leg as a result).

Bro arrived at the hospital to find it barricaded off in a state of lockdown. Security checked her bag for weapons. I was trying to grit my teeth. I told them, I have been told my child is here. Two strangers grabbed me.

Bro takes a deep breath, pauses, and starts weeping.

I knew at this point it was not good. They grabbed me very tightly and walked me up the ramp to a room. I knew I was about to pass out. I walked in and sat down. A detective introduced himself. I dont remember his name, I remember his face.

He just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

Bro is crying.

Then I called people. But every time I would close my eyes that night Id remember that moment and Id wail again. The week of the funeral I only slept 10 hours from the moment I got up on Saturday morning to the day she was buried five days later.

I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it.

I knew she was dead. I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it. I remember shaking hands with people, and people saying Im sorry. Id say again, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. My brain was locked up, it was all I could say.

Wilson and his wife Feda and daughter Amina came to the hospital.

Alfreds kids loved Heather. She even shared her Amazon Fire Stick with them.

The day Heyer was killed the hospital had asked if Bro wanted to see her, but Bro had wanted to wait for her husband to get there. Bro didnt get to see Heyers body until the day before her daughters funeral. The medical examiner had her up until then.

The computers deathly wheezing rises in volume in the little room.

I was really, really dreading seeing her body, but I needed to see her one last time.

I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

One of the two ministers who spoke at Heyers funeral met Bro at the funeral home, and prayed with her.

I felt a calm come over me. When I saw her, her face and head were kind of messed up. I knew it was her but her arm, her left arm, I recognized more specifically. We had the same arm, she had longer fingers. It was bruised, it had a lot of bruises on it. But I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

Bro and Kim were with Heyer for 10 minutes; then her father and his friend went in separately; and Heyers brother and his wife, so everyone had their special time with her.

Bro says the National Institutes of Health called two days after her daughter died to ask if they could have Heyers brain for research.

Bro gave her consent (its not like she could use it). A NIH representative called back shortly afterward to say never mind, Bro says. The medical examiner said it was not usable. She pauses. That tells me there was brain damage. When I saw her, her long beautiful hair was not visible. Im guessing it had been cut off. She had a shower cap on, her forehead had a huge lump across it, her teeth didnt quite look like in the right place to me, and she had a hospital gown on, and I saw her arm and thats all I saw of her. I dont remember if she was in a body bag or covered in a sheet.

Bros voice quivers. Thats my driving force. Dammit, you killed my kid, but Im going to make something good come out of this, in spite of it. Youre not going to shut her up, youre not going to shut up the social justice she stood for. Were going to make it bigger than ever. Were going make big things happen.

The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time.

She and Kim stayed with Heyer for five to 10 minutes that day.

After it was all over, when she was cremated and we had her ashes in an urn, we sat and held the urn for long time, Bro says, her voice cracking again.

When we are cremated theres not a lot left. I had a purple urn. Purple was Heathers color, its why her dog was named Violet. The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time. And Kim held the urn for a long time. And that was the day we spent with my kid.

They said, Dont you want take some ashes home? And I said no. Why would I take her big toe or her pinky finger home? If other people want to do that and bring closure, fine. I have no need for that. Heather is with me in my heart. I dont need a piece of her body too.

At the memorial service, she said she felt she had one shot to introduce Heyer to the world: to explain who she was and why she was at the counterprotest. She asked Heathers birth father to talk about raising Heather, and her cousins to talk about her activism.

For herself, Bro wanted to tie all the elements of her daughters life together. She talked of her daughters strength, purpose, and also her as a person in all her complexity.

To me, I was just speaking the truth. Heather and I would laugh about how, at funerals, people who were wife beaters or alcoholics are suddenly talked of as if saints. I knew she would want her life to be deconstructed honestly and real.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet.

After her powerful oration at Heyers memorial service, by chance she and Kim drove home past where Heyer was killed.

When I saw, I grabbed my husbands arm and said, Oh my God, oh my God. I screamed and I almost jumped out of the car, because the pain hit me so hard. It was the first time I had ever been there, so that was really painful.

Bro falls silent. She went on a planned visit to the site a week after her daughter died. She and Kim got lost initially, and asked for directions at a nearby farmers market. I was just sick with grief at the thought of going there. Kim and I held each other and just sobbed for three and four minutes. When I looked up there was just this wall of people up at where the Mall was, and I said, Its OK, you can come now.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet. I was so full of love and caring from other people. I had dreaded it so badly, but it turned out to be a very helpful and healing experience.

Bro went back to the street about a month after Heyers death and recommended to city officials that it should reopen.

When discussions were underway about how to mark Heyers memory in Charlottesville, a statue was discussed or the renaming of a park, both of which Bro rejected, seeing them as yet another red flag to the white supremacists and associated groups who had come to Charlottesville to protest the Confederate statues in the first place.

That is why, Bro says, she gave her support to the suggestion of renaming Fourth Street to Heather Heyer Way.

Bro took home some of the artificial flowers at the site, and scarves and bandanas that had been left there. She gave away some of the flowers to passersby. She has washed and wears some of the scarves. She has also has a purple blanket she made Heather, which she wraps herself up in in the evenings. Thats my cuddle time with Heather, she says.

All of what has happened can seem unreal to Bro.

This time last year I was happily crocheting angels and hats. I was just cooking, and it feels like it was a different life another person lived through.

My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

Bro says she has lived through several incarnations. First I got married. That first time I thought I was a happy housewife and part-time office worker and then that dream got crushed. Then I was a single mom for a while on welfare and food stamps, and then I went back to school, so I was a student and single mom, then I was a schoolteacher; then I was a bookkeeper; then I remarried after 25 years of not being married.

This is the next incarnation. My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

She used to knit and crochet voraciously, but doesnt feel she has the mental capacity for it now. The bookkeeper inside her head wants to marshal the foundations paperwork, and in the office she feels close to Heyer.

Bro says her life now is a million light years from anything I ever expected. She declines to tell me where she lives, beyond it being a town a half-hour north of Charlottesville. They have such a small police force they have been trying to avoid connecting themselves to us, she says.

Since Heyers death, hatemongers have not just targeted Heyer herself, but Susan, too. They tell Bro that Heyer deserved to die, that she was fat, that the blunt-force injury to the chest recorded as her cause of death was a CPR machine, not Fields car. Bros life has been threatened, too.

Its kind of stupid, Bro says drily. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

Not only, says Bro, is local law enforcement unable to deal with threats to Bro and the family, Heyer also disagreed with the local authorities stance on social justice. Bro didnt hold her funeral there, partly because the authorities couldnt guarantee the familys security, and also because Heyers heart was in Charlottesville, she says.

Bros home areas authorities dont want hate groups coming to the area because of Heyer, her mother says; even a planned food drive in Heyers name was canceled because of fear of far-right groups.

Theres a dichotomy in my life, says Bro. I taught in a particular place for 15 years, then worked for that state and county. Now to act as if it doesnt exist is weird. But I dont look back, I look forward. You can only move ahead with the what you have in front of you.

Heyers apartment was in the center of Charlottesville, near where she died and where she was conceived, says her mother.

That pregnancy was a last-ditch attempt to save me and my first husband Marks marriage, says Bro.

Nick, Heyers brother who is five years her senior, had been born first. Bro had been especially delighted to have a son. I never imagined having a boy. I was so happy to have him and Heather. I felt bad I didnt bring them into a stable relationship. In my mind that was selfish and irresponsible. There was a lot of loud, angry yelling, a lot of tears. It was not a good thing for Nick or Heather to be around.

Nick, who is in the Army Reserves and is married with a small child, has been devastated by his sisters death, says Bro. She was not the first person close to him to have been murdered, and he wishes to stay out of the public eye.

At the time of Heathers conception, We were sort of using birth control, says Bro. I probably thought, Were doing OK now, and it was a disaster. He [Mark] had problems at the time, though is a changed man for the better now. We were both lousy spouses. It was a bad marriage, and we split up for a final time when Heather was five months old.

The marriage had lasted eight years, the divorce took three years.

Mother and daughter, both strong-minded, clashed over the years, but were never estranged.

We would clash because she was trying to impose her will on me, Bro says, smiling. She shows me a picture of Heather at 3, where she looks brimming with a quiet anger or resolve, or both.

Bro laughs. She was going to argue with me. The storm is brewing on her face. The way to make her agree was to explain something to her to her satisfaction. Bedtimes, mealtimes: Shed argue about everything. You always needed to explain to her why something was fair and right.

There are other pictures of her and Nick playing in the Styrofoam peanuts left behind from a box of toys sent by their Florida-dwelling grandparents. One of her favorite outfits was to wear a diaper, army helmet, and Bros high heels.

Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

Heyer was a boisterous child, at least early on.

She was born with only one ear, says Bro. Her left ear was folded over. There was no hole in her skull. During fifth grade, Heyer had a series of painful, corrective surgeries. She had 20 percent hearing in that ear.

Most of us forgot, including her mother, says Bro, because she coped so well. But that did mean she couldnt locate by sound, which may have been a factor that led to her death. If a crowd was yelling and a car was coming she may not know where the car was. Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

As a young girl, Heyer didnt have any ambitions. When her mother asked her what she would like to do, to try and nudge her, Heyer replied that she would like to be a fat cat on a pillow and not have to do anything. Her mother laughed and told her that was not an option. Thats often the problem with bright kids. Things are so easy for us, we have difficulty settling into careers.

College was costly, the family didnt have any money, and Heyer had screwed around in high school, her mother says. There were no scholarships coming.

As a schoolteacher for 20 years, Bro wanted her pupils (fourth graders, aged 9 and 10) to succeed, but neither of her children liked school. They were both strong and independent, she says, and she was keen to raise people, not sheeple. She made it clear she could only be there for them in financial emergencies; when they left home, they had to support themselves.

Both Nick and Heather started work at 14, she says. Heather did waitressing and bar work; she had seen Bro do the same to supplement her teaching salary. Food-service work was always something to fall back on, she had told her children.

Bro was thrilled when Heyer came to work at Miller Law in 2012. Her daughter was getting close to 30 at the time, and her mother thinks she was taking stock of her life, and figuring out she did not want to be a waitress at 70. That was a pivot point for her. I had mine closer to 40 or 50, Bro laughs.

After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Heyer didnt want to have children, though she loved and doted on other peoples. She adored Violet, her Chihuahua (who now lives with a close friend of hers).

The family marked the holidays by going to Bros parents place.

I tried preparing a big meal a time or two. Heather said, Mom, youre killing yourself. This is no fun for any of us. At her suggestion, we stopped doing the big meal last Thanksgiving. So for Christmas, Easter, and what we would have done at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everyone went to Subway and got their favorite sub.

Heather also prepared a whole crockpot of mac and cheeseit was a deluxe, calorie-laden Paula Deen recipeand three dozen deviled eggs. I found out from her best friend after she died, she hated making them. She felt a family obligation to take it on: piles and piles food we couldnt possibly eat. After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Cathy enters to say goodbye. Bro says they have been friends for 18 years, through thick and thin. It carries back and forth as to who needs who, and now I need her. I never had a close friend like that before, Im an odd duck. I laugh at the wrong jokes. I was much more stubborn and hard-headed in the past.

Her daughter was affected by Bros uterine-cancer diagnosis in 2010. For Bro, it was a health wake-up call. Bro thinks it made her realize she wouldnt be around forever.

Around the same time, a significant relationship of Heyersa first love boyfriendwas drawing to its end. Maybe life does that: Things converge and shoot you off into new directions. Its happened that way for me, Bro says.

Life has come at Bro hard and fast since her daughters death. But people who were near Heyer or who helped others who were injured have made themselves known to her. They are suffering, she says, a form of PTSD. Im dealing with the aftermath of a dead child. There are still people receiving medical treatment, people who will never be completely right again. Im not sure all the people are out of hospital yet. Theyre dealing with the trauma in a different way than me. I am dealing with one incident. They are dealing with the effects of being in a war zone.

Kesslers bid to hold another rally in Charlottesville next year may have been denied, but when we spoke Bro was not surprised he had sought it.

Im not happy about it. He feels it got him the bloodbath and the media attention he wants, so hes going to try again. With these sorts of rallies, Bro does not want to give the white-supremacist demonstrators the oxygen of publicity that a counter-demonstration would supply, but if you let them have the field that day, dont they think theyve won?

People have said to me, Heather shouldnt have been there, that people were warned to stay away, that she died from her own stupidity, that this is Darwins Law, that she wiped herself out, Thank God, Im glad thats over. My comment to them was, so when the Nazis came to town, we should all go into our houses and hide. Thats what happened in Germany originally: Its not my problem, not going to look at it, it wont affect me. But it does. It affects humanity.

Its kind of stupid. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

People have asked Bro why she bothers with her ongoing activism.

I said, Because Im making ripples in the pond, and as long as enough of us make ripples eventually a wave develops. This is part of me maintaining my ripple, my resolve.

Bro is doing a lot of traveling and talking, as she puts it. Her marriage to Kim is a fairly young, four years old. They have been together for seven years. When Heyer died, she said to Kim before she began her foundation work that she would be the face of it, and asked whether he was ready for that. Because this is going to change who I am a lot. Im not going to be that half hippie chick you married.

Kim said to her: Im game.

He travels with her, although has a bad back, so sometimes Cathy goes with her, or Alfreds wife, Feda. She worries that she hasnt seen some of her grandchildren since the summer. Part of that is due to security worries; they could not attend Heyers funeral because Bro felt their safety could not be guaranteed. It seems awful that Heyers family cannot even conduct the basics of grieving without being threatened.

The hate mail has been stupid, pointless, and mostly anonymous from idiot cowards, she says. The authors threaten her life, and make racist remarks like, as Bro recites: They should have killed more n**gers. I wish theyd killed more n**gers. Im glad your daughters gone. You know she didnt actually die. She just laid down of a heart attack, because she was a fat slob.

I take care of it before it takes care of me. Thats why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out.

Its a little insane, Bro says of this hatred, a little like stepping into reality TV. Kim and I had lessons from the FBI: how to watch ones back, be more aware of surroundings, like dont sit with your back to the door of a restaurant. But I dont live in paranoia and fear. I cant function that way. Its the new reality. It is what it is.

I don't allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Im not the only mother whos lost a kid. Im not the only person approaching the holidays who has lost a loved one. I just have to toughen up a bit and get through it. Thats how I survive. I take care of it before it takes care of me. That's why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out. I have to get on with my life, and my life right now is sharing Heathers life.

It saddens her most that it is affecting her grandchildren; one became anxious after his mother became anxious (the situation is now resolved); one young niece who was close to Heyer thinks of her as just daddys friend, and Bro hopes when she is older she will know how brave her aunt was and be proud of her.

After she died, Bro looked through her daughters Facebook posts: They were all to do with friends and social justice.

She hadnt understood how much Heyer had stood up for other people, and at such a young age, until after she was killed, when Bro found out her daughter had stood up as a kid herself for other kids bullied on the school bus, like the woman (and her brother) who set up a GoFundMe page for Heyers funeral.

A white teacher who had adopted an Asian child was abused at school; Heyer took those bullies on, too.

I didnt know she did all that stuff. She didnt talk about it, says Bro.

Heyers social-justice posts became more emphatic after the last election, her mother says.

Bro herself didnt understand white privilege or the politics of Black Lives Matter until her own activism evolved, although she recalls going out with Heyer and a black man she once dated and going to a restaurant and getting the worst service and evil looks from other people. We were followed in stores. That may have been an awakening for Heather as well. We never talked about the moment she became woke, but a few weeks before she was killed she said to me, Mom, I think youre woke now. I said, I think I always have been, but maybe now I am doing better at it.

Heyer, her mother says, lived larger than life and died larger than life. She was always funny, always intense. Her love was intense, her anger could be intense. The irony is that day she went out to be with her friends.

Bro is telling me about the glass table top of a Mexican restaurant, a favorite venue of hers and Heathers, which she only just felt able to return to. As she went to sit down, the glass top suddenly started rotating.

As she says these words, the computer turns itself on again, and the death rattle begins anew.

Bro says quietly, Heather, leave the computer alone please. Ill unplug it if you keep on.

She turns to me, and laughs. If the monitor comes on and typing starts appearing, then you can really freak out.

That day at the Mexican restaurant, Bro put her hand on the table and said, Heather, stop it. and the rotating glass stopped.

The other day in the office, Bro was talking to one of her daughters friends about a past relationship with a guy she had only marginally approved of, and the paper plate being held by the other person suddenly upended itself, sending the pastry on it flying off. Well Heather didnt like that, did she? Bro said.

Bro tries to stay focused on work when at the office, and laughs that her kitchen table at home is her second office space, its surface unseen since her daughters death so covered as it is with correspondence.

She feels Heyers presence mostly when shes driving; the two would sing along to the radio in the car. Heyer loved hip-hop, and both liked Pink, Adele, Amy Winehouse: Strong women singers, Bro says.

I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world

The Saturday before our meeting Bro had been doing some Christmas shopping in Charlottesville when she was suddenly aware that she walking around with tears streaming down her face. She did not feel self-conscious; she is learning to live with the vagaries of when grief strikes.

Bro can also be positively surprised. The day before we meet, she went to a McDonalds drive-thru (for a yogurt parfait, she says; she and her husband are trying to stick to a diet).

In front of her was a man with a Sons of Confederate Veterans license plate. I thought, Do I hate him? Do I want to hate him?' I tried the thought on. No I didnt. I thought, 'Thats probably his family history. I dont know how he feels about Heather. But me hating him is not going to do any good. He looked a lot like my husband. I saw him see me in his rearview mirror, and recognize me.

I got to the drive-thru window, and the cashier said that my meal had been paid for by him. I pulled around when I was picking up the food, hollered thank you, and he waved. I think, even if a lot of people believe in the Confederate cause, they didnt want people dying that day.

Heyer herself was a private person, an activist happy to serve rather than lead. Bro feels that at some point this becomes my movement too. This is my tribute to my daughter, and its not exactly how she would have done things. My gut feeling is that she would understand why we are doing what we are doing with her memory. I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world.

Her voice cracks.

I would love to have my child back. But I cant take away what this has meant to other people. If this is what it takes to snap the worlds attention around to say, This has to stop. We have to draw a line, then that is good. I have said before that I dont know why it had to take a white girls death to get everybodys attention, but that is what happened. Sadly, I think my daughters death is a pivotal point in historyand I do not mean to be inflated about that at all. Its just seeing the impact and ongoing impact from this. It's a moment not likely to be forgotten.

When I ask about the controversial statues themselves, Bro is careful first to say she does not live in Charlottesville herself.

For those of us who want to remove the statues, we are not trying to hide or bury history, but lets acknowledge why the statues are where they are. They were put up during Jim Crow times for the purpose of telling a newly confident and more affluent black community: We do not respect you, we still think of you as slaves who have managed to get a little ahead in life. Nothing happened during the Civil War in Charlottesville. Take them down, put them somewhere else, they dont belong here.

Im diabetic, I have to eat, Bro announces abruptly.

In a car en route to a nearby Burger King, she talks about growing up in Roanoke, an only child. Her mother did clerical work, her father was a draftsman. She was much less a tomboy than her own daughter, and grew up wanting to be a teacher, missionary or cowboy: Not a cowgirl. They were boring.

A young feminist, she demanded in first grade to be allowed to wear pants under her dress on snowy days. At her second marriage, to Kim, she recalls laughing gently, she asked that he promised to love and obey her, too.

She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go

At the drive-thru she orders a burger, onion rings, and a diet soda, and on the way back to the office she talks about worrying that her hippie-ish demeanor made her stand out at social events like a Miller Law Group summer cookout. Heather had told her she loved her mom just as she was.

One thing I felt when Heather was killed was that I had no regrets about our relationship. She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go. She knew that things were good between us. Bro only regrets the lack of pictures of them together.

Back in her small office at Miller Law, she shows me some framed tweets from Bernie Sanders (Heyer was a huge supporter, and did not vote in the election after the Democrats chose Hillary Clinton over him; Bro was angry with her for this).

There is a wrapped-up and folded banner from the Amsterdam Womens March, a handmade pillow, an honorary certificate from the governor of Virginia and the state flag, a painting of Heyer by an artist from Pittsburgh in her favorite purples. On Bros desk are official letterheads of the foundation, hearts colored purple, inscribed HH.

As the afternoon light leaks to darkness, Bro tells me that activism will now be the focus of the rest of her life. She always had opinions, she says, it was just nobody cared to hear them. The foundation will primarily focus on energizing and engaging young people, and training the next generation of social justice leaders.

She relishes connecting with other civil-rights groups and learning how to be a social justice advocate. I cant see myself doing anything else. By that first Sunday I told my husband I could never go back to my other job. I dont have the mind for it. My mind is wrapped in this now.

Bros health is not good; she says her immune system is collapsing in on itself, she finds it hard to turn her mind off when its time to go to sleep, her sleeping is erratic as is her diet. She has been following a clean eating plan, and then may have junk food, like today.

She talks of the people in airports or shops who approach her. Bro tries to have time for everyone, but she is always aware of those who shrink back, too tentative to say anything. What a strange new world it is, she says, where she may have to get an agent to handle her speaking requests. An agent, she says, laughing gently.

But beyond it all: the talks and award ceremonies, the hugs and thanks and solicitousness of strangers, the new and strange stardom, the life of committees and progressive alliances and celebrities and red carpets and interviews and public speaking, is the inescapable and all-encompassing loss of her daughter.

As we finish the interview, Bro asks where I am staying. I tell her the name of my hotel.

Downtown. Do be careful, Susan Bro says, and she is very serious.

Coming next: Heather Heyers mentor and friends remember her.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2BkDT2a

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[drowninginstuff]

Dear Love

20/01/2014

My favorite songs now make my head feel fuzzy and my heart feel heavy. You could've left me something to enjoy.

7/01/2013

I can't focus on reading anything anymore. Remember how you used to complain about my nose always being buried in a book, well you can rest easy now. I haven't read anything in a while.

24/02/2013

Caramel lattes taste stale now. Maybe you were right, maybe I was always just over glorifying it.

10/03/2013

I'm starting to see the appeal in getting take out. Cooking isn't fun anymore, not when....

30/03/2013

Alcohol tastes disgusting, smoking feels like death. Why would anyone indulge in either of these! Why on earth couldn't you stop?

13/04/2013

I'm walking a lot these days, not to anywhere in particular. Just walking.

27/04/2013

Congratulate me. I got a promotion.

4/05/2013

My boss is forcing a two day leave on me. Apparently pulling all nighters almost 5 days in a 6 day week for three weeks isn't healthy. What does he know?

22/05/2013

Holidays suck. I don't ever want another one.

5/06/2013

I wish I could paint like you. Maybe then I'd get rid of these build up emotions and frustrations.

20/06/2013

I just heard that drinking destroys your vocal chords. Is that why you wouldn't sing to me any more.

7/07/2013

You never did teach me to salsa.

27/07/2013

Happy Birthday.

13/08/2013

Power naps are not really doing their job right. Maybe it's just my lack of rhythm.

8/09/2013

The leaves are your favorite colors. Guess it's fall.

22/09/2013

Was the park always this big? I've never noticed.

6/10/2013

Winter's coming.

20/10/2013

Black forest mocha is back on the menu. You hated it.

9/11/2013

It's freezing cold. I can't sleep. I miss....

24/11/2013

My last project before Christmas is done. I have a lot of free time.

15/12/2013

It's Christmas next week. I realized I don't have too many people to shop for.

29/12/2013

Merry Christmas P.S. Even fewer people shop for me.

5/01/2014

Happy New Year. I went to the office party this time around.

19/01/2014

The first few weeks of this new year was the same as before. Nothing unpredictable.

Bored eyes flicked across the room to the wall clock at the corner, silently urging it move faster. Counting down the seconds, she almost jumped for joy when the clock struck 12:30 signaling the beginning of lunch break. She walked out of her cubicle and quickly made her way out the door before anyone could stop and ask to accompany her. Her mad dash to the cafe was however interrupted by a call from the receptionist desk, "You have a birthday gift. Come see it."

Confused, she made her way to the receptionist desk. A few feet from her destination she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes wide, she took in the sight before her. A rather large wheat brown teddy bear sat on top the desk. It had large glassy black eyes and a blue bow around it's neck. Pinned to its paw was a letter. Tentatively she removed it from the bear's 'hold' and began to read,

Love,

i. I've been listening to most of your favorite songs. I don't remember when exactly I began to love them. You look absolutely adorable and breathtaking with your nose buried in a book. The expression of absolute immersion on your face is one of my favorites.

ii. Caramel lattes aren't so bad. The after taste of smoke in my breath used to ruin it for me, it's actually delicious. Take out isn't that great. You get bored of the same repetitive tastes after a while. I loved your cooking, you're a great cook.

iii. I know. I wish I had. You always did like to walk. You just never noticed it. Even when we drove, you'd always look out the window almost longingly.

iv. Congratulations. You earned it. Any sane person would've known it's not healthy. Then again with you common sense sometimes seems to take a back seat when you want to ignore issues.

v. You must be a part of a very small minority. But I do remember a time when you'd egarly wait for a holiday. Guess things really did change... I did try to teach you, but you're way too stiff. You need to not think when you paint. But asking a computer programmer to not think is a bit too cruel.

vi. Maybe. I'm sorry.........

vii. Thank you love. Don't worry, I'm working on fixing that rhythm.

viii. You mean you're favorite season's here. With the way you'd keeping on talking about everything and anything, it's not a wonder that you missed how big that park is.

ix. Game of Thrones reference, really! The only cavity inducingly sweet thing that I like is you when you're sleepy.

x. Weren't you the one would said you love the cold. In fact you wanted to date Jack Frost. Ever the perfectionist. You just have to get everything done earlier than necessary.

xi. Merry Christmas

xii. Happy New Year. Finally, your colleagues must've been shocked. It never is usually....

But wait, I can fix that.

The sound of footsteps woke her up from the momentary day dream she had fallen into. Her eyes traveled up and met the warm chocolate one's in front of her. Maybe it was the loneliness she's been feeling since he left, maybe it was her characteristic impulsiveness or maybe it was the obvious fact she'd missed him. Whatever the reason, as soon as her brain registered that it actually was him and not some phantom her mind conjured up, her body inconceivably moved to hug him.

The feeling of those strong arms around her and the warmth that seeped in from him unlocked a floodgate of repressed emotions and before she could stop herself, a tear escaped, "Why?", the question was softly asked that it was barely audible. But none the less, the sudden stiffening of the arms around her proved that he had heard her. "Not here. I promise I'll explain everything." and with that he led her out the building and into the street, which funnily enough, seemed brighter.

It's funny really, a year's worth of separation, and she still couldn't shake off the habits five year of being together had instilled in her. She smiled absently as she realized that her mind had already started to wander off, blindly trusting him and his sense of direction, sure that he would never let any harm befall her. 'Yet, it was him that gave you the deepest wound you've ever got.' her mind relayed.

They entered a quite cafe, one they used to frequent before, she noticed. He led them to a corner table and patiently ordered their lunch. Soon enough they were left in their own silence. As it got thicker with unspoken words she decided to make the first move, "Dean, Why did you leave me?" She could feel the temperature drop in room that followed her question. The waiter choose that precise moment to arrive with their lunches.

In the moments that followed, he seemed to battle with himself on the best way to word it. Finally, after two thirds of her sandwich was done, he answered. "I never did leave you." Before the protest could leave her mouth he rushed, "At least not the way you think. I told you we needed a break. That we need to pursue our passions and careers, better ourselves. I never intended for our relationship to end, I just wanted both of us to be able to think freely for a while, to discover ourselves and basically just over all improve ourselves before we moved any further. I realize I could've gone about it differently. I never meant to hurt you in any way, even though it seems to have done just that."

She took a moment to process everything he had just said and at long spoke, "So you mean to tell me this was whole a misunderstanding! That I spent every waking hour and dreamless night replaying and wondering what I've done and slowly dying inside, just because you're socially awkward and have trouble expressing yourself!?" She ended the tirade with a pointed look at him to which he replied with an innocent smile, "Basically." She snorted out a laugh at the answer and asked, "Do did you do it? Discover yourself or whatever..."

Suddenly the mirth in his face was replaced with a steely determination and also a bit of smug satisfaction, "I've quit." was his simple reply. She stared at him dumbstruck before chocking out a "What?". He looked her straight in the eye," For the past year, I've been working on over coming my addictions. I've been sober for the past year and I've completely given up smoking. Well almost." he added sheepishly rolling up his sleeves to show the nicotine patch on there.

"Why?" she asked him almost mesmerized by the news. "Because I realized that I want to live. Not just exist. I want to live a full life. Get married, have kids, watch them grow up and finally die after a fulfilled life. I don't want to die alone and lonely, in a ditch somewhere smash drunk and deluded. I want to first live happily and then die peacefully, and I want to do it all with you." The confession shocked her, she didn't understand why, she knew he loved her but this was different it was almost as if he was, "No, I'm not proposing." he added, "I will though, in a few years, when you're ready and I hope you'll say yes, then."

After the confession she stood up, took her bag, paid her half of the bill and walked towards the exit. He followed, confused, "Where are you going?". She turned back and smiled at him, "I'm going to fetch my birthday gift from the receptionist. Then I'll have to ask to take the rest of the day off. Cause you know, it's my birthday and I wanna spend it with my future husband." And with that she kept on walking, not realizing that she had once again stolen his heart.

[trendingnewsb]

Heather Heyer’s Mom: I Have To Hide Her Grave From The Nazis

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VirginiaHeather Heyers ashes are interred in a safe place, says her mother Susan Bro, at an unmarked, undisclosed, completely protected location.

This site cannot be publicly known because of all those extremists who profess their hatred for Heyer and Bro, and who convey their continued threats of violence toward Bro and others of Heyers family. The location is also secret to protect those who work there, says Bro.

She visits Heyer there in peace, and other members of the family and close friends have been to the location, or will be told in time where the place is and taken there.

Its a symptom of hate in society that you should have to protect your childs grave, for Petes sake, says Bro. So, Im protecting my child now.

As she tells me this, what sounds like the wheezing of a dying animal fills the small room we are in. Bro laughs at how horrific the computer hard drive sounds, especially as we are talking about the death of her daughter at the same time as the machines mortal gurgling continues. Every time I think I turn it off, the computer seems to turn itself on again and the guttural howling begins anew.

Shes here, Heathers here, Bro says, smiling, of the machine in the side office of the Miller Law Group, where Heyer worked as a paralegal, aiding people facing bankruptcy. Heyer, 32, was killed after being struck by a car while protesting against white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Aug. 12. Many other counterprotesters alongside her were injured.

President Trump blamed many sides for the Charlottesville violence, and said there very fine people on both of those sides. After seeing these remarks, Bro would not take his calls.

Today, Bro will speak in detail about what she sees as Trumps encouragement of white supremacy, about her daughters alleged killer who she will face for the first time in court Thursday, of seeing her daughters body for the final time, and of cradling her asheswhich reminded her, piercingly, of cradling Heyer as a baby.

Bro will also speak of not living in fear of those who threaten her, and of her heartfelt commitment to consolidating a legacy of social justice in her daughters memory. Her plain-spoken warmth and fierce eloquence have impressed many.

When I ask if she holds President Trump in any way responsible for her daughters death, Bro says: Im starting to come to that conclusion because he definitely pushes forward a hateful agenda. There are family members that will possibly not have anything to do with me for saying so. Many family members are strong Trump supporters, and continue to be so despite everything they see.

At Miller Law, Heyers desk is occupied by another person now. Her boss and mentor Alfred Wilson admonishes himself when he picks up the phone to ask his trusted assistant something, and says Heather, rather than Amy.

Justin Marks, one of Heathers best friends, still sits opposite her desk. Her friend Courtney Commander, who was with Heyer protesting on Aug. 12, works at the firm. Her death made international news, and transformed Heyer into a civil-rights icon.

Here, in a modest office in a nondescript building outside Charlottesville, daily life carries on, and yet sometimes, Wilson tells me, its like a beat goes missing and Heathers loss, her absence, is all too apparent and raw. On Heyers old desk is a pencil and pen holder, a computer with two screens, and above her leather chair on the wall two professional certificates, one recognizing Heyers outstanding service, performance and dedication awarded to her just three months before her death.

At Miller Law, Bro, 61, has an office out of which she runs the nascent Heather Heyer Foundation, set up to support the next generation of social-justice leaders. Bro runs it with three volunteers. As long as Im doing something proactive, I can control the feelings, the emotions, a little better, Bro says, as the computers death-rattle wheezes on.

On a cold December night, there is a small puddle of flowers where Heyer was killed on Charlottesvilles Fourth Street on Aug. 12. On the brick buildings on either side of the street, graffiti is written in love and pride to her memory: No More Hate, Gone But Not Forgotten, Love, and Heather written in curled lettering, a chalk image of flowers above the real ones.

On television, when the video of James Alex Fields Jr.s Dodge Challenger driving into the anti-Nazi and anti-white supremacist protestersthat included Heyerwas replayed over and over again, the street in Charlottesville may have looked large to viewers.

In reality, it is not much more than an alley off the citys main shopping drag, the Downtown Mall. (A car speeding at a group of people in such a small space immediately made this reporter think of a bowling ball launched at a tightly packed group of pins.)

This stretch of Fourth Street, between Market and Water Streets where Fields drove his car, will reportedly be renamed Heather Heyer Way.

A preliminary hearing for Fields, 20, is scheduled to be held Thursday, at Charlottesville Circuit Courthouse. Fields is charged with second-degree murder, three counts of malicious wounding, three counts of aggravated malicious wounding, two charges of felonious assault and failure to stop that led to death. (Crowds are expected to gather at court; nearby streets will be closed off.)

Heyer was among a crowd of protesters who were demonstrating against the white supremacists, white nationalists, neo-Confederates, Klansmen, neo-Nazis and various militias who had descended on Charlottesville for a Unite the Right rally, organized by Charlottesville resident Jason Kessler. (On Monday, Charlottesville denied Kesslers application to hold an anniversary rally there. The proposed demonstration or special event will present a danger to public safety, the city wrote to Kessler.)

Nineteen people were injured by Fields car. He had traveled from Ohio to attend Kesslers rally, which had been organized to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee from Charlottesvilles Emancipation Park, a few minutes walk away from where Heyer died and where there had been disturbances earlier that day.

A short walk from Lees statue is a statue of Gen. Thomas Stonewall Jackson in Justice Park. Both are now covered in black tarp, invisible but still present. At night they loom like giant phantoms.

The statue of Thomas Jefferson at the University of Virginia, where far-right protesters had gathered holding flaming tiki torches on Friday, Aug. 11, remains uncovered, a lone security guard keeping watch nearby.

Around 30 University of Virginia students had stood around the statues base as the mainly white marchers, dressed in khakis and polo shirts, had shouted such slogans as Blood and soil! You will not replace us! and Jews will not replace us!

Bro won plaudits for speaking so powerfully at her daughters memorial service held at Charlottesvilles Paramount Theater, delivering an impressive, moving, and fully rounded vision of her daughters life, where she also stated: They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well guess what, you just magnified her.

I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued.

An independent report on the Charlottesville violence and police response to it, published this month, sharply criticized both the local law enforcement and local authorities.

Bro echoes the findings. I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued, she tells The Daily Beast. We need to look to cities like Boston and San Francisco to see how they prepare for when these hate groups come to town.

I ask if Bro holds the police and authorities responsible for Heyers death. Well, things could have turned out differently had they responded differently. Its not for me to figure out the whys and wherefores. But we know, according to the report, that all they put there was a school resource officer who definitely had a reason to fear for her safety. She wasnt given protection. And then to simply leave one sawhorse to stop traffic

He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

Does Bro hold Fields responsible for Heyers death?

Absolutely. Nobody made him do anything. I know he claims he felt threatened. The only time people were attacking his car was when he drove into a crowd, and people were attacking his car because he was driving over top of them. He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

It was a pretty stupid move. Hes old enough to know better. My husband Kim looked at what he did, and said it reminded him of a video game, except in one of those you drive through people, and bodies fly everywhere with no consequence. I dont know the kid, Ive never met him. The first time I will see him will be in court this week. I will be going.

Initially when her daughter died, Bro flinched at looking at anything related to it, all videos and photographs, until she got through the initial horror.

Then I thought, I have to know what is going on here. Part of making myself tougher and stronger and fixing my purpose and not turning away from it is partly as a response to the bullies who would love to me see cry and in pain.

I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

She will see Fields in court today, because I feel this is part of what I owe my child. It behooves me to be strong. It also renews my sense of purpose about why I am doing what I am doing. I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

The part of Fourth Street where Fields struck the protesters is small. Its an alley, not a road. Bro drove a lawyer past it recently. I was trying to explain to her whether he could see people or not, you could absolutely see the end of the street. There is no reason to gun it except for the sole intention of killing. There was no mistaking the fact he was driving into a crowd.

What would she ask Fields if she could?

What the hell were you thinking? What did you think was going to be outcome of this?

Fields has not been in touch. Bro is sure his lawyer would not want him to be.

Beyond Fields, I ask Bro if she believes white supremacy and hate killed Heyer that day?

Oh, of course. Of course. I mean she knew that was a possibility, but no one thinks they will be killed for standing up for their beliefs. She didnt go there to be a martyr. This is part of my frustration with people, who either make her out to be a martyr in that she went there to die, or that she was a saint and angel and godly person.

Bro claps her hands as she says the following words, slowly and loudly for emphasis: Heather was a normal 32-year-old girl.

I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis.

Bro still does not want to speak to President Trump.

He responds off the cuff. He doesnt bother to think before speaks, or very calculatedly is trying to manipulate all of us. Im not sure which. I can grant there was a lot of violence on both sides, but to say there were good people on both sidesthats where I draw the line.

You cant say there were good people coming into town with their fists taped prepared to draw blood and do harm. Thats not good people. Nazis: bad people. White supremacists: bad people. And I dont see that you can call it any other way. If you choose to align yourself with those people, and you choose to call them good, then youve told me what sort of person you are. So now I have your number and now I know how I choose to respond to you. And in his case, that means: Im not responding to you, you dont get my time of day.

When you continue to misspeak, and continue to misspeak, until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt.

A number of frantic phone calls came from the White House when she was at her daughters funeral. When she caught up with the news after Heyers funeral, she saw the controversy swirling around the presidents remarks.

I thought, Well, screw him, Im not dealing with this. Im not talking to him. I have no need to go through this charade of pretending to be nice and happy.

He is the president of the United States. That carries a certain weight and power with it. I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis. When someone misspeaks a time or two, its one thing, but when you continue to misspeak and continue to misspeak until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt. So, my respect definitely dims somewhat, shall we say.

I ask if Bro thinks Trump has aligned himself with white supremacy.

Well, his actions speak louder than his words. Look at the way he acted towards protesters at his rallies. He has definitely encouraged violence and hatred, and has made fun of people for race or disability, and then always tries to act like Oh, I didnt say anything. As a teacher, I can tell you that the child in the classroom who continually tries to act out like that and says, Oh, I didnt say or do anything, we held them responsible for their actions. I am seeing an upswell of those who are going to continue to hold this president responsible for his actions.

Think before you speak and speak only the truth please.

Heyer had quit speaking to a few of those family members before she died; Bro had negotiated a truce between her daughter and other Trump-supporting family members; others she left alone because the relationship wasnt strong in the first place.

Today, if she could address Trump directly, Bro would say: Think before you speak and speak only the truth, please.

He disrespects everybody, Heathers not special in that regard, Bro says of the president. He disrespects Native Americans, black people, history, everything. He has no respect for anybody. Having seen him pre- and since the election, its not surprising. He has never changed who he was. This man is not about respect. He never was, he never will be. Its who he is.

The last in-person conversation mother and daughter had was at a buffet restaurant where they talked politics, office, love life, recalls Bro. Mostly with Heather you got a word in sideways. After dinner, Kim went to the car to play video games: He knew Heather would talk for a while. Since the election, Heyers politics and commentary on Facebook had become more concentrated. She was a fervent opponent of any kind of bigotry, most recently challenging the proponents of a local anti-Muslim campaign.

On the day of her death, out on the Charlottesville streets, Heyer had calmly asked a female supporter of white supremacy why she was aligning herself with their politics.

Mother and daughters last actual conversation was by Messenger. Bro scrolls through her phone to find it, noting that so many people claim to be Heyer now.

Hey, you were you born in 56, and whats your social. Im setting up an IRA with work and I have to name a beneficiary, Heyer messaged her mom, who passed along her information as requested.

But stay alive, Bro added.

Heyer replied, lolol, Ill try thanks.

Id rather have you than the money, her mother replied.

Then she said lol, and we sent the love emoticon to each other, Bro says quietly.

And that was the last conversation I had with my kid.

Her voice cracks.

That was on August 3rd. You never think thats going to be the last time you talk to your child.

It was good that Heyer was getting her financial affairs in order, says Bro, even if it was all in process at the time of her death. Wilson was working with Heyer on plans to safeguard her income and have her invest in property.

The detective just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

That Saturday morning, Bro didnt know Heyer was at the counter-demonstration. She had heard of the unrest in town without realizing Heyer was caught up in it. She had had a stressful week at work, and was relaxing.

Hours before Heyers death, Bro had posted this on Facebook: If I could give my daughter three things it would be the confidence to know her self-worth, the strength to chase her dreams, and the ability to know how truly, deeply loved she is.

It was meant as a spontaneous message of love and pride to her child. Time has transformed it into something more tragically moving.

You dont expect your kid to pass away, get killed. Like that, she says.

The first moment Bro knew that something terrible had happened was when Justin Marks called her. He told her the hospital was looking for Heyers next of kin. Bro kept calling the hospital, but was told they had no one of Heyers name there.

Bro screamed for her friend Cathy to take her to the hospital. Kim, who was elsewhere, would follow them.

A stranger answered Heyers phone and said he had found it on the sidewalk.

Bro called him back to try and get hold of Marissa Blair, a friend and colleague of her daughters who been with her at the demonstration and whose fianc, Marcus Martin, had pushed her out of the path of the car (he suffered a broken leg as a result).

Bro arrived at the hospital to find it barricaded off in a state of lockdown. Security checked her bag for weapons. I was trying to grit my teeth. I told them, I have been told my child is here. Two strangers grabbed me.

Bro takes a deep breath, pauses, and starts weeping.

I knew at this point it was not good. They grabbed me very tightly and walked me up the ramp to a room. I knew I was about to pass out. I walked in and sat down. A detective introduced himself. I dont remember his name, I remember his face.

He just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

Bro is crying.

Then I called people. But every time I would close my eyes that night Id remember that moment and Id wail again. The week of the funeral I only slept 10 hours from the moment I got up on Saturday morning to the day she was buried five days later.

I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it.

I knew she was dead. I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it. I remember shaking hands with people, and people saying Im sorry. Id say again, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. My brain was locked up, it was all I could say.

Wilson and his wife Feda and daughter Amina came to the hospital.

Alfreds kids loved Heather. She even shared her Amazon Fire Stick with them.

The day Heyer was killed the hospital had asked if Bro wanted to see her, but Bro had wanted to wait for her husband to get there. Bro didnt get to see Heyers body until the day before her daughters funeral. The medical examiner had her up until then.

The computers deathly wheezing rises in volume in the little room.

I was really, really dreading seeing her body, but I needed to see her one last time.

I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

One of the two ministers who spoke at Heyers funeral met Bro at the funeral home, and prayed with her.

I felt a calm come over me. When I saw her, her face and head were kind of messed up. I knew it was her but her arm, her left arm, I recognized more specifically. We had the same arm, she had longer fingers. It was bruised, it had a lot of bruises on it. But I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

Bro and Kim were with Heyer for 10 minutes; then her father and his friend went in separately; and Heyers brother and his wife, so everyone had their special time with her.

Bro says the National Institutes of Health called two days after her daughter died to ask if they could have Heyers brain for research.

Bro gave her consent (its not like she could use it). A NIH representative called back shortly afterward to say never mind, Bro says. The medical examiner said it was not usable. She pauses. That tells me there was brain damage. When I saw her, her long beautiful hair was not visible. Im guessing it had been cut off. She had a shower cap on, her forehead had a huge lump across it, her teeth didnt quite look like in the right place to me, and she had a hospital gown on, and I saw her arm and thats all I saw of her. I dont remember if she was in a body bag or covered in a sheet.

Bros voice quivers. Thats my driving force. Dammit, you killed my kid, but Im going to make something good come out of this, in spite of it. Youre not going to shut her up, youre not going to shut up the social justice she stood for. Were going to make it bigger than ever. Were going make big things happen.

The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time.

She and Kim stayed with Heyer for five to 10 minutes that day.

After it was all over, when she was cremated and we had her ashes in an urn, we sat and held the urn for long time, Bro says, her voice cracking again.

When we are cremated theres not a lot left. I had a purple urn. Purple was Heathers color, its why her dog was named Violet. The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time. And Kim held the urn for a long time. And that was the day we spent with my kid.

They said, Dont you want take some ashes home? And I said no. Why would I take her big toe or her pinky finger home? If other people want to do that and bring closure, fine. I have no need for that. Heather is with me in my heart. I dont need a piece of her body too.

At the memorial service, she said she felt she had one shot to introduce Heyer to the world: to explain who she was and why she was at the counterprotest. She asked Heathers birth father to talk about raising Heather, and her cousins to talk about her activism.

For herself, Bro wanted to tie all the elements of her daughters life together. She talked of her daughters strength, purpose, and also her as a person in all her complexity.

To me, I was just speaking the truth. Heather and I would laugh about how, at funerals, people who were wife beaters or alcoholics are suddenly talked of as if saints. I knew she would want her life to be deconstructed honestly and real.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet.

After her powerful oration at Heyers memorial service, by chance she and Kim drove home past where Heyer was killed.

When I saw, I grabbed my husbands arm and said, Oh my God, oh my God. I screamed and I almost jumped out of the car, because the pain hit me so hard. It was the first time I had ever been there, so that was really painful.

Bro falls silent. She went on a planned visit to the site a week after her daughter died. She and Kim got lost initially, and asked for directions at a nearby farmers market. I was just sick with grief at the thought of going there. Kim and I held each other and just sobbed for three and four minutes. When I looked up there was just this wall of people up at where the Mall was, and I said, Its OK, you can come now.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet. I was so full of love and caring from other people. I had dreaded it so badly, but it turned out to be a very helpful and healing experience.

Bro went back to the street about a month after Heyers death and recommended to city officials that it should reopen.

When discussions were underway about how to mark Heyers memory in Charlottesville, a statue was discussed or the renaming of a park, both of which Bro rejected, seeing them as yet another red flag to the white supremacists and associated groups who had come to Charlottesville to protest the Confederate statues in the first place.

That is why, Bro says, she gave her support to the suggestion of renaming Fourth Street to Heather Heyer Way.

Bro took home some of the artificial flowers at the site, and scarves and bandanas that had been left there. She gave away some of the flowers to passersby. She has washed and wears some of the scarves. She has also has a purple blanket she made Heather, which she wraps herself up in in the evenings. Thats my cuddle time with Heather, she says.

All of what has happened can seem unreal to Bro.

This time last year I was happily crocheting angels and hats. I was just cooking, and it feels like it was a different life another person lived through.

My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

Bro says she has lived through several incarnations. First I got married. That first time I thought I was a happy housewife and part-time office worker and then that dream got crushed. Then I was a single mom for a while on welfare and food stamps, and then I went back to school, so I was a student and single mom, then I was a schoolteacher; then I was a bookkeeper; then I remarried after 25 years of not being married.

This is the next incarnation. My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

She used to knit and crochet voraciously, but doesnt feel she has the mental capacity for it now. The bookkeeper inside her head wants to marshal the foundations paperwork, and in the office she feels close to Heyer.

Bro says her life now is a million light years from anything I ever expected. She declines to tell me where she lives, beyond it being a town a half-hour north of Charlottesville. They have such a small police force they have been trying to avoid connecting themselves to us, she says.

Since Heyers death, hatemongers have not just targeted Heyer herself, but Susan, too. They tell Bro that Heyer deserved to die, that she was fat, that the blunt-force injury to the chest recorded as her cause of death was a CPR machine, not Fields car. Bros life has been threatened, too.

Its kind of stupid, Bro says drily. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

Not only, says Bro, is local law enforcement unable to deal with threats to Bro and the family, Heyer also disagreed with the local authorities stance on social justice. Bro didnt hold her funeral there, partly because the authorities couldnt guarantee the familys security, and also because Heyers heart was in Charlottesville, she says.

Bros home areas authorities dont want hate groups coming to the area because of Heyer, her mother says; even a planned food drive in Heyers name was canceled because of fear of far-right groups.

Theres a dichotomy in my life, says Bro. I taught in a particular place for 15 years, then worked for that state and county. Now to act as if it doesnt exist is weird. But I dont look back, I look forward. You can only move ahead with the what you have in front of you.

Heyers apartment was in the center of Charlottesville, near where she died and where she was conceived, says her mother.

That pregnancy was a last-ditch attempt to save me and my first husband Marks marriage, says Bro.

Nick, Heyers brother who is five years her senior, had been born first. Bro had been especially delighted to have a son. I never imagined having a boy. I was so happy to have him and Heather. I felt bad I didnt bring them into a stable relationship. In my mind that was selfish and irresponsible. There was a lot of loud, angry yelling, a lot of tears. It was not a good thing for Nick or Heather to be around.

Nick, who is in the Army Reserves and is married with a small child, has been devastated by his sisters death, says Bro. She was not the first person close to him to have been murdered, and he wishes to stay out of the public eye.

At the time of Heathers conception, We were sort of using birth control, says Bro. I probably thought, Were doing OK now, and it was a disaster. He [Mark] had problems at the time, though is a changed man for the better now. We were both lousy spouses. It was a bad marriage, and we split up for a final time when Heather was five months old.

The marriage had lasted eight years, the divorce took three years.

Mother and daughter, both strong-minded, clashed over the years, but were never estranged.

We would clash because she was trying to impose her will on me, Bro says, smiling. She shows me a picture of Heather at 3, where she looks brimming with a quiet anger or resolve, or both.

Bro laughs. She was going to argue with me. The storm is brewing on her face. The way to make her agree was to explain something to her to her satisfaction. Bedtimes, mealtimes: Shed argue about everything. You always needed to explain to her why something was fair and right.

There are other pictures of her and Nick playing in the Styrofoam peanuts left behind from a box of toys sent by their Florida-dwelling grandparents. One of her favorite outfits was to wear a diaper, army helmet, and Bros high heels.

Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

Heyer was a boisterous child, at least early on.

She was born with only one ear, says Bro. Her left ear was folded over. There was no hole in her skull. During fifth grade, Heyer had a series of painful, corrective surgeries. She had 20 percent hearing in that ear.

Most of us forgot, including her mother, says Bro, because she coped so well. But that did mean she couldnt locate by sound, which may have been a factor that led to her death. If a crowd was yelling and a car was coming she may not know where the car was. Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

As a young girl, Heyer didnt have any ambitions. When her mother asked her what she would like to do, to try and nudge her, Heyer replied that she would like to be a fat cat on a pillow and not have to do anything. Her mother laughed and told her that was not an option. Thats often the problem with bright kids. Things are so easy for us, we have difficulty settling into careers.

College was costly, the family didnt have any money, and Heyer had screwed around in high school, her mother says. There were no scholarships coming.

As a schoolteacher for 20 years, Bro wanted her pupils (fourth graders, aged 9 and 10) to succeed, but neither of her children liked school. They were both strong and independent, she says, and she was keen to raise people, not sheeple. She made it clear she could only be there for them in financial emergencies; when they left home, they had to support themselves.

Both Nick and Heather started work at 14, she says. Heather did waitressing and bar work; she had seen Bro do the same to supplement her teaching salary. Food-service work was always something to fall back on, she had told her children.

Bro was thrilled when Heyer came to work at Miller Law in 2012. Her daughter was getting close to 30 at the time, and her mother thinks she was taking stock of her life, and figuring out she did not want to be a waitress at 70. That was a pivot point for her. I had mine closer to 40 or 50, Bro laughs.

After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Heyer didnt want to have children, though she loved and doted on other peoples. She adored Violet, her Chihuahua (who now lives with a close friend of hers).

The family marked the holidays by going to Bros parents place.

I tried preparing a big meal a time or two. Heather said, Mom, youre killing yourself. This is no fun for any of us. At her suggestion, we stopped doing the big meal last Thanksgiving. So for Christmas, Easter, and what we would have done at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everyone went to Subway and got their favorite sub.

Heather also prepared a whole crockpot of mac and cheeseit was a deluxe, calorie-laden Paula Deen recipeand three dozen deviled eggs. I found out from her best friend after she died, she hated making them. She felt a family obligation to take it on: piles and piles food we couldnt possibly eat. After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Cathy enters to say goodbye. Bro says they have been friends for 18 years, through thick and thin. It carries back and forth as to who needs who, and now I need her. I never had a close friend like that before, Im an odd duck. I laugh at the wrong jokes. I was much more stubborn and hard-headed in the past.

Her daughter was affected by Bros uterine-cancer diagnosis in 2010. For Bro, it was a health wake-up call. Bro thinks it made her realize she wouldnt be around forever.

Around the same time, a significant relationship of Heyersa first love boyfriendwas drawing to its end. Maybe life does that: Things converge and shoot you off into new directions. Its happened that way for me, Bro says.

Life has come at Bro hard and fast since her daughters death. But people who were near Heyer or who helped others who were injured have made themselves known to her. They are suffering, she says, a form of PTSD. Im dealing with the aftermath of a dead child. There are still people receiving medical treatment, people who will never be completely right again. Im not sure all the people are out of hospital yet. Theyre dealing with the trauma in a different way than me. I am dealing with one incident. They are dealing with the effects of being in a war zone.

Kesslers bid to hold another rally in Charlottesville next year may have been denied, but when we spoke Bro was not surprised he had sought it.

Im not happy about it. He feels it got him the bloodbath and the media attention he wants, so hes going to try again. With these sorts of rallies, Bro does not want to give the white-supremacist demonstrators the oxygen of publicity that a counter-demonstration would supply, but if you let them have the field that day, dont they think theyve won?

People have said to me, Heather shouldnt have been there, that people were warned to stay away, that she died from her own stupidity, that this is Darwins Law, that she wiped herself out, Thank God, Im glad thats over. My comment to them was, so when the Nazis came to town, we should all go into our houses and hide. Thats what happened in Germany originally: Its not my problem, not going to look at it, it wont affect me. But it does. It affects humanity.

Its kind of stupid. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

People have asked Bro why she bothers with her ongoing activism.

I said, Because Im making ripples in the pond, and as long as enough of us make ripples eventually a wave develops. This is part of me maintaining my ripple, my resolve.

Bro is doing a lot of traveling and talking, as she puts it. Her marriage to Kim is a fairly young, four years old. They have been together for seven years. When Heyer died, she said to Kim before she began her foundation work that she would be the face of it, and asked whether he was ready for that. Because this is going to change who I am a lot. Im not going to be that half hippie chick you married.

Kim said to her: Im game.

He travels with her, although has a bad back, so sometimes Cathy goes with her, or Alfreds wife, Feda. She worries that she hasnt seen some of her grandchildren since the summer. Part of that is due to security worries; they could not attend Heyers funeral because Bro felt their safety could not be guaranteed. It seems awful that Heyers family cannot even conduct the basics of grieving without being threatened.

The hate mail has been stupid, pointless, and mostly anonymous from idiot cowards, she says. The authors threaten her life, and make racist remarks like, as Bro recites: They should have killed more n**gers. I wish theyd killed more n**gers. Im glad your daughters gone. You know she didnt actually die. She just laid down of a heart attack, because she was a fat slob.

I take care of it before it takes care of me. Thats why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out.

Its a little insane, Bro says of this hatred, a little like stepping into reality TV. Kim and I had lessons from the FBI: how to watch ones back, be more aware of surroundings, like dont sit with your back to the door of a restaurant. But I dont live in paranoia and fear. I cant function that way. Its the new reality. It is what it is.

I don't allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Im not the only mother whos lost a kid. Im not the only person approaching the holidays who has lost a loved one. I just have to toughen up a bit and get through it. Thats how I survive. I take care of it before it takes care of me. That's why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out. I have to get on with my life, and my life right now is sharing Heathers life.

It saddens her most that it is affecting her grandchildren; one became anxious after his mother became anxious (the situation is now resolved); one young niece who was close to Heyer thinks of her as just daddys friend, and Bro hopes when she is older she will know how brave her aunt was and be proud of her.

After she died, Bro looked through her daughters Facebook posts: They were all to do with friends and social justice.

She hadnt understood how much Heyer had stood up for other people, and at such a young age, until after she was killed, when Bro found out her daughter had stood up as a kid herself for other kids bullied on the school bus, like the woman (and her brother) who set up a GoFundMe page for Heyers funeral.

A white teacher who had adopted an Asian child was abused at school; Heyer took those bullies on, too.

I didnt know she did all that stuff. She didnt talk about it, says Bro.

Heyers social-justice posts became more emphatic after the last election, her mother says.

Bro herself didnt understand white privilege or the politics of Black Lives Matter until her own activism evolved, although she recalls going out with Heyer and a black man she once dated and going to a restaurant and getting the worst service and evil looks from other people. We were followed in stores. That may have been an awakening for Heather as well. We never talked about the moment she became woke, but a few weeks before she was killed she said to me, Mom, I think youre woke now. I said, I think I always have been, but maybe now I am doing better at it.

Heyer, her mother says, lived larger than life and died larger than life. She was always funny, always intense. Her love was intense, her anger could be intense. The irony is that day she went out to be with her friends.

Bro is telling me about the glass table top of a Mexican restaurant, a favorite venue of hers and Heathers, which she only just felt able to return to. As she went to sit down, the glass top suddenly started rotating.

As she says these words, the computer turns itself on again, and the death rattle begins anew.

Bro says quietly, Heather, leave the computer alone please. Ill unplug it if you keep on.

She turns to me, and laughs. If the monitor comes on and typing starts appearing, then you can really freak out.

That day at the Mexican restaurant, Bro put her hand on the table and said, Heather, stop it. and the rotating glass stopped.

The other day in the office, Bro was talking to one of her daughters friends about a past relationship with a guy she had only marginally approved of, and the paper plate being held by the other person suddenly upended itself, sending the pastry on it flying off. Well Heather didnt like that, did she? Bro said.

Bro tries to stay focused on work when at the office, and laughs that her kitchen table at home is her second office space, its surface unseen since her daughters death so covered as it is with correspondence.

She feels Heyers presence mostly when shes driving; the two would sing along to the radio in the car. Heyer loved hip-hop, and both liked Pink, Adele, Amy Winehouse: Strong women singers, Bro says.

I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world

The Saturday before our meeting Bro had been doing some Christmas shopping in Charlottesville when she was suddenly aware that she walking around with tears streaming down her face. She did not feel self-conscious; she is learning to live with the vagaries of when grief strikes.

Bro can also be positively surprised. The day before we meet, she went to a McDonalds drive-thru (for a yogurt parfait, she says; she and her husband are trying to stick to a diet).

In front of her was a man with a Sons of Confederate Veterans license plate. I thought, Do I hate him? Do I want to hate him?' I tried the thought on. No I didnt. I thought, 'Thats probably his family history. I dont know how he feels about Heather. But me hating him is not going to do any good. He looked a lot like my husband. I saw him see me in his rearview mirror, and recognize me.

I got to the drive-thru window, and the cashier said that my meal had been paid for by him. I pulled around when I was picking up the food, hollered thank you, and he waved. I think, even if a lot of people believe in the Confederate cause, they didnt want people dying that day.

Heyer herself was a private person, an activist happy to serve rather than lead. Bro feels that at some point this becomes my movement too. This is my tribute to my daughter, and its not exactly how she would have done things. My gut feeling is that she would understand why we are doing what we are doing with her memory. I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world.

Her voice cracks.

I would love to have my child back. But I cant take away what this has meant to other people. If this is what it takes to snap the worlds attention around to say, This has to stop. We have to draw a line, then that is good. I have said before that I dont know why it had to take a white girls death to get everybodys attention, but that is what happened. Sadly, I think my daughters death is a pivotal point in historyand I do not mean to be inflated about that at all. Its just seeing the impact and ongoing impact from this. It's a moment not likely to be forgotten.

When I ask about the controversial statues themselves, Bro is careful first to say she does not live in Charlottesville herself.

For those of us who want to remove the statues, we are not trying to hide or bury history, but lets acknowledge why the statues are where they are. They were put up during Jim Crow times for the purpose of telling a newly confident and more affluent black community: We do not respect you, we still think of you as slaves who have managed to get a little ahead in life. Nothing happened during the Civil War in Charlottesville. Take them down, put them somewhere else, they dont belong here.

Im diabetic, I have to eat, Bro announces abruptly.

In a car en route to a nearby Burger King, she talks about growing up in Roanoke, an only child. Her mother did clerical work, her father was a draftsman. She was much less a tomboy than her own daughter, and grew up wanting to be a teacher, missionary or cowboy: Not a cowgirl. They were boring.

A young feminist, she demanded in first grade to be allowed to wear pants under her dress on snowy days. At her second marriage, to Kim, she recalls laughing gently, she asked that he promised to love and obey her, too.

She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go

At the drive-thru she orders a burger, onion rings, and a diet soda, and on the way back to the office she talks about worrying that her hippie-ish demeanor made her stand out at social events like a Miller Law Group summer cookout. Heather had told her she loved her mom just as she was.

One thing I felt when Heather was killed was that I had no regrets about our relationship. She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go. She knew that things were good between us. Bro only regrets the lack of pictures of them together.

Back in her small office at Miller Law, she shows me some framed tweets from Bernie Sanders (Heyer was a huge supporter, and did not vote in the election after the Democrats chose Hillary Clinton over him; Bro was angry with her for this).

There is a wrapped-up and folded banner from the Amsterdam Womens March, a handmade pillow, an honorary certificate from the governor of Virginia and the state flag, a painting of Heyer by an artist from Pittsburgh in her favorite purples. On Bros desk are official letterheads of the foundation, hearts colored purple, inscribed HH.

As the afternoon light leaks to darkness, Bro tells me that activism will now be the focus of the rest of her life. She always had opinions, she says, it was just nobody cared to hear them. The foundation will primarily focus on energizing and engaging young people, and training the next generation of social justice leaders.

She relishes connecting with other civil-rights groups and learning how to be a social justice advocate. I cant see myself doing anything else. By that first Sunday I told my husband I could never go back to my other job. I dont have the mind for it. My mind is wrapped in this now.

Bros health is not good; she says her immune system is collapsing in on itself, she finds it hard to turn her mind off when its time to go to sleep, her sleeping is erratic as is her diet. She has been following a clean eating plan, and then may have junk food, like today.

She talks of the people in airports or shops who approach her. Bro tries to have time for everyone, but she is always aware of those who shrink back, too tentative to say anything. What a strange new world it is, she says, where she may have to get an agent to handle her speaking requests. An agent, she says, laughing gently.

But beyond it all: the talks and award ceremonies, the hugs and thanks and solicitousness of strangers, the new and strange stardom, the life of committees and progressive alliances and celebrities and red carpets and interviews and public speaking, is the inescapable and all-encompassing loss of her daughter.

As we finish the interview, Bro asks where I am staying. I tell her the name of my hotel.

Downtown. Do be careful, Susan Bro says, and she is very serious.

Coming next: Heather Heyers mentor and friends remember her.

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