#I had no idea why Kouji and Takuya broke up when I started writing

[windfighter]

Möt mig i Gamla Stan

Det var ett sammanträffande att de sågs i Stockholm.

Kouji var där och hälsade på en vän efter att ha tagit fotografier uppe i fjällen. Varför Takuya var där visste han inte, men han kunde ana.

”Hatar fotboll”, muttrade Balder och trängde sig fram mellan människorna som stod samlade i baren. ”Varför skulle vi hit av alla ställen?”

Kouji följde efter. Han tyckte han kände igen några av personerna, men det var knäppt, han kände ingen i Stockholm. Förutom Balder.

”Jag gillar den här baren”, svarade han. ”Deras öl är god.”

”Fattar fortfarande inte att du är en öl-drickare.”

Balder vände sig om, händerna i sidorna, och såg på Kouji. Höjde ett ögonbryn.

”Du klagar varje gång vi går hit”, sa han.

Kouji skrattade, la en arm över Balders axlar och förde honom vidare mot bardisken.

”Jag klagar på karaoken, inte ölen. Kom igen, vad vill du ha?”

Balder slet sig loss. Kouji var lite orolig att han skulle tappa bort Balder i folkmängden. Nästan alla där inne var längre än Balder var. Balder satte händerna bakom huvudet.

”Mumin-dricka.”

”Du är en sån unge.”

Balder puttade Kouji innan han tog tag i Koujis hand.

”Fanta. Jag dricker fortfarande inte alkohol.”

Kouji himlade med ögonen.

”Du får nöja dig med Piña Colada.”

”Bara den är alkoholfri.”

Balder släppte Koujis hand och försvann bland folket. Kouji fortsatte till bardisken, beställde deras drinkar och gick för att hitta Balder igen. Det var då han såg honom. Takuya. Mitt i en samling av fotbollsfans. Koujis hjärta slog ett extra slag. Takuya hade inte sett honom. De hade inte setts på två år. Koujis händer skakade, öl spillde från glaset. Takuya hade fortfarande inte sett honom. Det hade varit deras största bråk. Deras slutgiltiga ord.

”Det är slut.”

Skilda vägar. Kouji hade packat sina saker och åkt hem till Japan. Han visste inte vad Takuya hade gjort. Livet gick vidare, jobben fortsatte komma in. Kouji hade knappt tänkt på Takuya.

Bara under nätterna, när det var mörkt och kallt och han var ensam.

Han svalde och slog undan blicken. Letade upp Balder istället. Han satt i ett bås, en av Takuyas lagkamrater bredvid honom, armen över Balders axlar och handen på Balders bröst. Balder såg ut som han skulle dö på platsen och Kouji gick snabbare.

”That’s my partner your flirting with”, sa Kouji när han kom närmare.

Han satte drinkarna på bordet. Balders kinder var röda och Kouji korsade armarna över bröstet. Takuya’s lagkamrat som Kouji inte kom ihåg namnet på flyttade en bit åt sidan och tog bort armen från Balder.

”We can take it outside if you want to”, forsatte Kouji.

Balder sträckte sig efter sin drink, tog en klunk av den. Fotbollaren lyfte händerna och reste sig upp.

”Just thought she looked lonely”, sa han.

”He was just waiting for me.”

”Kan försvara mig själv”, mumlade Balder.

Fotbollaren muttrade några välvalda grova ord på Italienska innan han vände och gick därifrån. Kouji skakade på huvudet och satte sig mitt emot Balder. Balder log osäkert.

”Han var inte så farlig. Jag ville inte vara oartig.”

”Du var obekväm”, Kouji rykte på axlarna. ”...Takuya är här.”

”Huh.”

Balder flyttade sig mot väggen, lutade ryggen mot den och drog upp benen på bänken. Kouji gjorde detsamma.

”Hur känner vi för det?” frågade Balder.

Kouji ryckte på axlarna igen. Han visste inte riktigt. Han drack några klunkar öl och såg ut på folkhavet. Balder tittade mot scenen.

”De tänker köra karaoke”, sa han med ett skratt. ”Ska vi också gå upp?”

”Jag sjunger inte framför folk.”

”Antar att jag inte räknas som folk.”

De tystnade. Lyssnade på människorna omkring dem, personerna som uppträdde. Kouji beställde in en andra öl när hans första tog slut. Takuya sjöng en låt och till och med Balder skakade på huvudet.

”Inte en ton rätt. Jag menar, jag sjunger också hellre än bra men…”

”Takuya har två saker han kan, sjunga är inte en av dem”, sa Kouji med ett skratt.

”Springa och knulla”, svarade Balder och nickade.

Kouji rodnade, sträckte sig över bordet och slog Balder i bakhuvudet. Balder skrattade och de satte sig till rätta och lyssnade vidare igen.

Kouji tittade inte mot Takuya. Han tittade inte mot Takuya med sådan intensitet att Balder märkte det.

”Gå och säg hej.”

”Aldrig i livet. Han kan inte svenska.”

Balder skrattade.

”Fortsätt vara kärlekskrank då. Se om jag bryr mig.”

Balder brydde sig alldeles för mycket och Kouji lät bli att svara. De satt i tystnad. Kouji drack upp sin andra öl. Balder var forfarande inte klar med sin första drink. Takuya sjöng ytterligare en låt och Balder ställde sig upp.

”Jag tänker sjunga nåt.”

”Du kommer dö när du kommer upp på scenen.”

”Finns värre sätt att dö på.”

Balder gick upp på scenen. Kouji beställde en whiskey och lutade sig tillbaka för att lyssna. Balder sjöng lite bättre än Takuya i alla fall. Inte rent, men inte falskt nog för att göra folk döva. Han hade valt Believer av Imagine Dragons och Kouji skakade på huvudet. Han kunde inte förstå varför nån skulle välja att sjunga en låt som betydde så mycket inför en sån här publik.

Å andra sidan kunde han inte riktigt förstå varför varför man skulle upp och sjunga inför publik till att börja med.

Balder avslutade sin sång och bugade för publiken, som skrattade och applåderade, innan han gick tillbaka till båset Kouji satt i. Kouji höjde sitt glas.

”För ett lyckat uppträdande”, sa han.

Balder höjde sitt eget glas.

”Yeah, sure. Skål för ett lyckat uppträdande.”

Han satte sig ner och tog ett par klunkar av Piña Coladan. Funderade. Kouji ville inte veta vad Balder funderade på, men var rätt säker på att Balder skulle avslöja det vilken sekund som helst. Kouji hade rätt.

”Du borde också sjunga nåt”, föreslog Balder. ”Det är kul.”

Kouji övervägde, men svarade inte, och Balder släppte samtalet. De drack sina drinkar, lyssnade på andra som sjöng och pratade om djuren de hade sett på Skansen under dagen. Kouji undvek fortfarande att titta mot Takuya.

Men alkohol gjorde något med folk. Fick deras hämningar att släppa, fick ljuset att se lite annorlunda ut, musiken att låta varmare, människorna mjukare. Kouji var inte immun. Balder såg mot honom, som om han visste vad som höll på att hända. En del av Kouji visste också, men han ville inte erkänna det. Hans drink tog slut och han reste sig upp. Kroppen kändes varm, nervös. Som om han skulle spricka om han inte…

Men Takuya var omringad. Om de visste vem Takuya var eller om de bara blivit charmade av honom kunde Kouji inte avgöra. Takuya hade den effekten på folk. Det var inte därför det hade tagit slut, Kouji hade aldrig känt sig åsidosatt, avundsjuk eller igorerad. De hade båda behov den andra inte kunde fylla, men de hade alltid kommit tillbaka till varandra. Alltid redo att släppa allt för den andra.

Kouji kunde knappt komma ihåg vad som hade varit spiken i kistan den här gången. Takuya hade sagt nånting. En mening som hade förändrat allt, men bara för att Kouji hade låtit den. Koujis händer skakade och han gick mot bardisken. Men hans väg bytte riktning, hans fötter förde honom mot scenen. Hans steg ekade högt i hans öron när han gick upp på den. Takuya såg mot honom och han såg på Takuya för första gången på kvällen. Takuyas ögon vidgades, förvåning över att se Kouji där. Men det var ingen ilska i dem, ingen besvikelse, ingen sorg.

Vilka känslor syntes i Koujis ögon? Han hoppades Takuya kunde se dem, hoppades Takuya missade dem. Han tog tag i mikrofonen, svalde och tog ett djupt andetag. Musiken började, texten på skärmen ovanför scenen. Koujis hjärta slog dubbla slag och han började sjunga.

”Smaken av kyssar som dröjer kvar, dröjer kvar. Luften vibrerar av du och jag, du och jag här.”

Kouji försökte titta på allt utom Takuya, men plötsligt var Takuya det enda som existerade i hela världen. Koujis blick var fast, som klistrad. Hans röst darrade, tog tonerna snett på ett sätt han inte brukade. Takuya sa nånting till en a personerna han var med, till en av sina lagkamrater. Koujis kinder var heta.

”Jag behöver dig! Möt mig i Gamla Stan nu ikväll, nu ikväll. Jag väntar i Gamla Stan, behöver dig hos mig ikväll.”

Hans mage värkte, slog kullerbyttor. En drink för många, rädsla. Vad skulle Takuya säga, göra, känna? Kouji visste inte ens vad han själv kände.

”Rädslan jag bar är sen länge död, länge död.”

Två år hade han haft på sig att smälta Takuyas önskan, förslag. Det som hade ändrat allt. Han var redo att testa nåt nytt, att ta ansvar på en ny nivå, så länge Takuya var vid hans sida. Han hoppades att det inte bara var alkoholen som fick honom att känna så, att han inte skulle ändra sig när morgonen kom.

”Stoppa en taxi, kapa ett tåg eller spring allt du orkar hit, bara ta dig hit. Möt mig i Gamla Stan, nu ikväll.”

Takuya gick närmare scenen. Kouji’s mage kändes tung, hans kinder brann. Vad skulle han säga? Vad skulle Takuya säga? Skulle de börja om igen, skrika, kyssas, älska? Hata? Kouji tog ett steg bakåt. Varför gick han upp på scenen?

”Som en skugga av den jag trott jag va’, nu börjar jag förstå, jag behöver dig.”

Koujis röst darrade. Han tog ett fastare grepp om mikrofonen. Hans hand darrade också. Takuya stannade. Såg på honom. Kouji sjöng refrängen, outrot. Folk applåderade, hurrade, och Takuya gick mot scenen igen. Kouji backade. Släppte mikrofonen och flydde.

--------

Kouji disappeared. Away from the stage, into the crowd and out. Takuya tried to hurry after him, but hands grabbed at him, held him back.

”I don’t have time”, he said. ”I need to…”

”Where are you going, handsome?”

Takuya broke free, but someone else grabbed him. It was useless. Kouji had probably gone up in smoke by now if Takuya knew him. Two years without a word, then this. Takuya let out a sigh. It was his fault, he shouldn’t have said anything. But Junpei and Izumi had seemed so happy with their kids and Takuya always spoke before he thought.

”When are we getting some?” he had asked. Like an idiot, and Kouji had exploded. And Takuya exploded. And then it was over. Kouji deserved better and Takuya hadn’t tried to hunt him down, contact him, reach out. But the nights had been lonely, the days had been cold.

A hand grabbed Takuya’s and dragged him towards the door.

”He’s a fucking idiot”, the owner of the hand said. ”Bet you don’t even know where Gamla Stan is.”

Takuya shook his head. The handowner shook theirs.

”Absolute idiots. The both of you. He’ll be at the harbor, probably thinking about joining one of the ships.”

Takuya was pulled into the night. His jacket still left inside. He wouldn’t see that one again he guessed.

”This street down to the water, then to the left. He’ll be easy to miss.”

They gave him a shove. Takuya turned towards them.

”Who are you?”

”Balderdash, my friends call me Balder. You may call me Your Majesty.”

Takuya snorted. Balder put a hand over his face and shook it.

”Go. He’s waiting for you.”

[a/n: If I knew Japanese I’d change the language AGAIN here, but alas I do not so English it is]

Takuya went. The night was warm. Loud. Lots of people still out and about. It was the middle of July, the height of summer. There had been a friendly game of football between Sweden and Japan, which Sweden had lost, and which was the reason Takuya was in Sweden. The thought of meeting Kouji there? Hadn’t even crossed his mind. Why would Kouji be in Sweden of all places?

But Kouji was here. Waiting for him, if Balder was right. Takuya hurried his steps, down the street, too the water. The water was still, a few boats crossing it. Takuya turned left and started running. Would he recognize the harbor? Boats were parked all along the sidewalk and he felt like he was already there.

The sidewalk got wider, opened up to almost look like a townsquare. There was a statue in the middle of it, a shadowy figure next to it. Looking out at the boats, shifting their weight from one foot to the other. Takuya slowed his steps. Kouji. What was he going to say? What would Kouji said? Kouji turned towards him, hands in his pockets, and Takuya stopped.

”...Didn’t know you knew Swedish”, he said.

”It doesn’t come up in conversation often”, Kouji answered.

He seemed nervous. Kicked the ground. Takuya put his hands in his pockets.

”I don’t know Swedish though”, he said.

Kouji laughed, but it died out again.

”I shouldn’t have”, he said. ”I’m a bit drunk.”

Silence. It seemed to stretch into eternity. Takuya scratched his arm.

”Sorry”, he said. ”I shouldn’t have… I should have thought before I spoke.”

He wasn’t sure Kouji remembered the fight, what had led up to it, but Kouji shook his head.

”I shouldn’t have shot it down”, Kouji answered.

He walked over to a edge of the harbor, sat down. Takuya sat down next to him. A swan crossed the water, disappeared under a bridge. They had never been nervous around each other before. Takuya didn’t like it, but what if he scared Kouji away for another 2 years?

”I never needed a kid to be happy”, Takuya said. ”I was happy with you. With how everything worked between us.”

”Yeah…” Kouji looked at the water. ”Did you mean it though? Did you want one?”

Takuya considered. He wasn’t sure. It had always been a goal in life. Get married, have kids, be a good member of society. Junpei and Izumi seemed to enjoy it. The kids were great. Takuya looked at his hands.

”I should, shouldn’t I?” he asked.

”We never did what we should”, Kouji answered.

He was right. Kouji was always right. Takuya looked at the sky instead. Cloudy, the moon peeking out between the clouds.

”I think I do”, he said. ”Eventually, when my career has calmed down. Or if you stay at home for longer. Not right now, but later.”

”I don’t think I would be a good parent”, Kouji said. ”I don’t know how to.”

”I’m not sure anyone knows.”

Silence again, but this time it felt calmer. A cloud covered up the moon and someone walked past behind them, singing loudly into the night.

”What does this mean for us?” Takuya asked.

”I don’t know”, Kouji said. ”I’ve missed you. If you want to have kids… I could try?”

Takuya shook his head.

”No, I… don’t mind never getting kids. It’s fine. If you don’t want kids…”

”Not right now”, Kouji said. ”I’m not ready, if I’ll ever be.”

”That’s fine.”

Takuya stood up, held a hand out to Kouji.

”Are you coming back home?” he asked.

”I’ve got a trip to Finland coming up”, Kouji stood up as well. ”Maybe after that.”

”That’s all I ask for”, Takuya answered.

He grabbed Kouji’s hand, pulled him closer and got up on his toes, kissed him. Kouji wrapped his free arm around Takuya.

”I’ll see you at home then”, Takuya said.

Kouji smiled. Let go of Takuya and nodded.

”I’ll see you at home.”

He left. Takuya watched as Kouji walked along the harbor, crossed a street and disappeared among the bushes and trees of Kungsträdgården. He felt lighter. Kouji was his again. He smiled and made his way back to the hotel. The world was brighter, the moon once again peeking through the clouds, and the future was once again shining.

[higuchimon]

[fanfic]  Mirror, Mirror:  Chapter 3

The mirror ghost wasn’t a happy ghost. Granted, he couldn’t remember what happiness truly was in the first place, but the closest he came was when he stared at Kouji and now he couldn’t do that and he didn’t quite understand why.

It had all started so very well. He’d disposed of the intruder and Kouji saw it. Then other people had come and taken the intruder’s body away and put up some kind of restrictions around where it had been. All well and good. They’d gone away too.

But then he came, the other, the interloper that held Kouji more than the mirror ghost wanted him to, and he’d taken Kouji away and hadn’t come back with him.

Set free of the mirror as he was by the offering of blood, the ghost wafted his way through the apartment, searching for any signs of Kouji and finding none. As frustrating as it was, he couldn’t leave the area, even after the blood. All he could do now was prowl a limited area around his mirror, more or less defined by the apartment itself.

But to step beyond the door and search for his Kouji? No. No, that he couldn’t do. He would have to wait until Kouji returned, and he didn’t know why Kouji left in the first place. The body was gone. It wouldn’t bother him again.

A small thought flickered into life. Was Kouji scared of what happened? Why should he be?

I’d never hurt him. The ghost mused on this, growing angrier with every passing moment. How could Kouji fear him when he had only tried to protect him? How dare Kouji fear him? How dare Kouji seek solace in the arms of that other?

This would not be allowed to pass. Kouji would return, sooner or later. He had no choice in the matter; there were too many possessions of his that were here.

But… could that be true? Could Kouji send someone else to gather what was his and take it away to where the mirror ghost could not follow?

He tried to piece this together and he did not like the pattern that emerged. It could be done. If Kouji truly feared what happened here enough, then it could.

No. Wait. He tried to calm himself, though that wasn’t an easy task. Kouji didn’t know that he’d done the deed. All he knew was an intruder had been found dead, with no mortal signs of what killed him, and nothing more. The signs of a mirror ghost were not well known in these days.

Which meant Kouji could very well return. Perhaps other things might keep him away for a time, but he would be back, and then the ghost would be able to speak to him, to explain matters, and Kouji would see the light and dismiss the mortal he sported with and be with his dearly beloved mirror ghost, the shadowy image of his own heart, forever and ever.

It had been a very long span of centuries, but the ghost knew hope once more.

“So when can you go back?” Takuya wanted to know. He didn’t let his arms slip from around Kouji at all. In the last handful of days, he’d taken every chance he could to make certain his boyfriend was all right.

Kouji equally took every chance to remind him that he was fine and other than having his apartment broken into and his stuff scattered around, and finding a dead body that apparently had just keeled over spontaneously, nothing bad had actually happened. Takuya didn’t change his ways.

“Not until this weekend. They’re going to have some people check it out first. I get to clean it up myself, though.” Kouji rolled his eyes as he made himself more comfortable in Takuya’s arms.

Takuya tapped him on the shoulder with his chin. “You should move in here instead.”

He’d said this many times before. Kouji didn’t entirely disagree with him either, but had counter-offered that Takuya should move in with him. They more or less agreed they wanted to live together for any number of reasons, but the specifics on who would move in with who, or if they’d find a different place together, gave fodder for many a conversation.

Or argument; with the two of them it was hard to tell the difference.

“I’ll think about it,” was all Kouji said this time. He fell silent for a few minutes. “I’m not going to stay there, though.”

That didn’t surprise Takuya in the slightest. He wasn’t sure if he would’ve wanted to stay there himself if it had happened to him.

“It’s pretty weird. I mean, getting robbed isn’t that weird. It happens. But for someone to just drop dead like that?”

Kouji nodded, his eyes half-closed. “I think they suspect he had some kind of a heart problem or maybe a sudden aneurysm.”

Takuya wasn’t going to argue, mostly because he didn’t know the first thing about how humans could just drop dead like that. If the police said the Grim Reaper just cut his thread, he would’ve called that equally plausible, and then worried on why said Grim Reaper decided to do it in Kouji’s apartment.

“Maybe he saw his own reflection and it scared him to death,” Takuya teased. “He was in front of that mirror of yours, right?”

“Yeah.” Kouji’s reply wasn’t as confident or as amused as Takuya would’ve liked. He bent his head down to get a better look at his boyfriend.

“Kouji?” He started to ask what was wrong before halting himself. It was kind of obvious what was wrong. He just didn’t know what he could do about it.

Kouji shook his head. “They found some blood on the mirror, but he’d cut himself when he broke a glass. That was the only real wound on him and it wasn’t fatal. I don’t care why. I just don’t like it.”

Takuya decided now wasn’t the right time to make cracks about the mirror and whatever evil powers he still believed it had. Instead, he just curled his arms around Kouji.

“Whenever you make up your mind on where you’re going, I’ll be there.”

“Helping to pack up?”

“I never said that!”

Kouji stood in front of his door. He’d made a point of coming here while Takuya was at work, wanting to see this place once again with his own eyes, reassuring his deepest depths that it was just his apartment, at least until he packed up and moved out.

He wasn’t afraid. But the idea of remaining in a place where someone else came in without his permission and then dropped dead didn’t appeal to him at all. Besides, he reminded himself, he and Takuya really had been trying to argue over who would move in with who for months now. This was just a way to end that argument once and for all.

Not exactly the way that he’d planned to end it, but ended all the same.

The police told him that it was all right for him to go back. They’d done everything that they could there and any further work would be with the body. That was fine with Kouji. He wasn’t even sure if he cared enough to know what the ultimate reason was, as long as it wasn’t something that would end up with him dead on the floor.

Steeling himself, he unlocked the door and stepped inside, unable to shake the frigid fingers of fear that swept down his spine as he did, recalling the last time he’d done this.

But he kept on moving, finally coming to a stop almost where he had that day. Something wasn’t right, and it wasn’t the absence of the body. That was very right.

It clicked into him what it was: the room had been cleaned. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. The officer in charge of the case told him that nothing would be disturbed beyond removing the body itself, to preserve evidence.

But now everything had been tidied up, put back where it belonged, and even dusted and swept.

Kouji hadn’t done it. He hadn’t set foot back in here since the night he’d come home like this. One furious call to the police and a second to Takuya to let his boyfriend know he’d be coming over for a few days had been all he’d done before leaving the cops to their work.

Kouji...

A single word, his name, whispered from every corner of the apartment. Kouji’s eyes narrowed, fists clenching, head snapping first one way and then the other.

“Who said that? Where are you? Who are you?”

It’s me...look at me...

Kouji didn’t even try to hold back a snarl. “Where are you?”

He wouldn’t have called it an instinct, but he turned anyway, and found himself looking into his reflection.

A reflection that smiled back at him.

To Be Continued

Notes: Things are just getting started good now! THe mirror ghost is very possessive of Kouji. And is also good at housekeeping.