#I had an obsession with them from 8th—9th grade and I can see why

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I forgot how wild and visceral Keyakizaka46’s choreography for “Discord” is. Holy fucking shit they’re so good.

[okayto]

Mini-Review: Love, Chunibyo & Other Delusions!

I’m so glad @littlestartopaz​ recommended this to me, because it was SO GOOD.

Yuta wants to start high school afresh: new school far from home, new classmates who don’t know he spent middle school acting out the fantasy of being the mysterious and magic “Dark Flame Master,” new him. But one of his classmates has delusions of her own, and after she accidentally discovers his embarrassing past, Yuta is unwillingly drawn into her life and a growing circle of friends with their own quirks.

The “chunibyo” of the title basically means “8th grade syndrome;” a phase in middle school where some kids inhabit and act out their own fantasy stories, positing themselves as dark magicians, magical girls, and other wielders of magical powers.

I had avoided this for a while, until it was specifically recommended to me, because honestly, it sounds embarrassing, right? It sounds like it’s gonna be an embarrassing manic pixie dream girl scenario. But what it actually contains is the story of how a mixed bag of students--some actively chunibyo, others not--become friends and develop very endearing close relationships, while arguing and frustrating each other because that’s what friends do.

Now, the idea of being the star of what’s essentially your own fantasy-action anime is embarrassing, but what’s notable is that the show doesn’t really hold the chunibyo characters up for mockery. Sure we might laugh at them, but hey--it’s funny to watch friends be silly together. And most viewers, just like some of the characters who have moved on from their chunibyo phases, probably easily understand the mix of soul-wrenching embarrassment and (mild?) fond sentiment that comes with remembering our middle school selves.

But let’s be real: the reactions the two former chunibyo students, Yuta and Shinka have to being reminded of middle school, are #RELATABLE

Rikka, our title chunibyo, in particular uses her fantasy in part to cope with grief, coming from an extended family that (without getting spoilery) didn’t help a young girl to deal with a very hard and life-changing time. Now that she’s in high school, her older sister blackmails Yuta (using an a voice recording of one of his chunibyo speeches) into helping deal with Rikka and things (like the cat she wants to adopt) that pop up.

One thing the show is very good at, though, is not making a single thing the reason behind a character’s chunibyo. One may have started their fantasy inspired by another person, or prompted by an event, but it’s also (while active) part of their personal narrative that influences how they spent their free time, how they see the world and keep blogs or diaries, etc.

But at the same time, they’re still teenagers, and their inner view of themselves...doesn’t always translate skills.

I said the show is primarily about friendship. A lot of that friendship is between Yuta and Rikka, but they accumulate a little group, mainly through Rikka’s attempt to start a magic club. Recruit 1: Kumin, a polite, quiet senpai with no chunibyo history or aspirations.

Kumin starts off seeming like a background character, but by the second season it’s clear she’s not just there for jokes about how she’ll take a nap anywhere. She’s perceptive, and genuinely enjoys watching the others act out their scenarios.

Compared to the other characters who are boisterous in their chunibyo activities (Rikka, Deko, Satone), or vociferously trying not to get drawn in to chunibyo activities (Yuta, Shinka), Kumin is happy to watch and offer encouragement, but she’s also willing to participate if a chunibyo scenario calls for a group.

Incidentally, the show does a really interesting thing where occasionally, we’ll be drawn “inside” the chunibyo world, seeing what Rikka/Deko/whoever see: a fantasy land, big magical weapons, anime-grade magical attacks. Occasionally we’ll also see what this “really” looks like--a couple people running around waving umbrellas at each other--but often we only get the fantasy version. It’s clear that Rikka and co. are legitimately on some level engaging in a shared imagination, and the times when a reluctant character (particularly Yuta or Shinka) willing steps in to the shared illusion are genuinely sweet.

Speaking of, Shinka (aka Morisummer) became one of my favorite characters. Like Yuta, she was chunibyo (”Morisummer the magician”); like Yuta, she chose a high school where she didn’t know anyone expressly so she could reinvent herself as a normal teen. And like Yuta, she’s getting dragged kicking and screaming into chunibyo again.

It would’ve been so easy to make her a bad character. She’s pretty, puts a lot of effort into being popular and likable at school, trying to keep up a good teen girl image, despite being fairly sarcastic at her core. And as loathe as she is to admit it, she likes her friends (even if she won’t admit they’re friends, even if half of them are actively chunibyo, even if she says she’s only hanging around so she can make sure all traces of chunibyo-Morisummer are erased from the internet).

Shinka gets drawn in to the group through Rikka’s apparently only pre-existing friend: Deko, a fellow chunibyo who follows Rikka (or “Eye of the Wicked Lord Shingan”) as her master, and is extremely devoted to the great magician Morisummer. So devoted, in fact, that she has several physical copies of Morisummer’s book containing all her wisdom...aka Shinka-Morisummer’s blog, which Shinka has tried to erase all trace of.

Needless to say, the two don’t seem to get along great.

Deko’s dedication to chunibyo and Morisummer irks Shinka; Shinka’s claim to be Morisummer irks Deko, who refuses to believe the great magician could ever be this sarcastic, mundane girl. Deko’s refusal irks Shinka, bringing out the sarcasm and bluntness Shinka tries to hide from the school at large.

Obviously, they actually become close friends, but heaven help you if you actually say so.

The entire series is an exploration of relationships, and Yuta’s developing closeness with Rikka (hey, we knew it was going to happen) is also sweet. He’s a genuinely likable boy, embarrassed by the vestiges of his former self he sees in Rikka, but often willing to meet her on her level, and both of them also learn/reaffirm the importance of doing things their way, and keeping both of them comfortable, rather than acting a certain way or performing specific acts just because their classmates think their relationship status mandates it.

Speaking of classmates--and I know this is getting long but I CAN’T HELP IT, I LIKED SO MANY ASPECTS OF THIS SERIES--the characters aren’t ridiculed at school. Sure, some people think they’re weird, but there’s no shunning, no arc involving teasing or bullies. Rikka’s often content as a loner, but when she attempts to join in a social circle, she’s welcomed. Shinka’s obsessed with reinventing herself and appearing normal and seems to think that otherwise she’ll be cast out, but multiple characters mention that others at the school notice how she behaves (oddly, on occasion) and there are no social repercussions. Truly nice for a show that has characters spending quite a lot of time in school.

Verdict

English dub? Yes, and it’s got strong performances. Rikka’s voice actor in particular does a fantastic job capturing the difference between chunibyo!Rikka’s confidence and command, and regular!Rikka’s, well, normal awkward teenageness. (Plus, I also found her lower-than animegirl-average voice enjoyable.) (Double plus, I honestly think her English voice is better than her original Japanese voice at showing the difference between her emotions and chunibyo/reality.) Deko’s VA is fantastic showing the enthusiasm of the 9th grader (and what enthusiasm, Deko is like the Energizer Bunny), and Shinka’s VA manages to show her alternating annoyance, cheerfully sweet ideal self, and organizized leader voices.

Visuals: Fine, and I really liked the chunibyo designs for each character’s chunibyo phase. The contrast between chunibyo-vision (giant magic weapons; mysterious lights, fantasy landscapes) and reality (an umbrella or soup ladle; a strip of lights taped to the floor; a local park) was really well done.

Worth watching? Yessss. It’s very manageable--two 12-episode seasons--and while each season contains its own arc (you could stop after the first one, but why), together they make an excellent story. Heck, I think the second season is equal to, if not better than, the first, because the friend group is well-established and even more fun to watch.

Where to watch (USA, as of October 2020): Netflix (dub, sub); Crunchyroll (sub), HIDIVE (sub & dub, plus OVAs and film)

Click my “reviews” tag below or search “mini review” on my blog to find more!

[cruelsummersswift]

Hey Taylor! (and other readers) I turned 18 today which means I’m officially an adult, so I wanted to recap on how your music has been with me throughout my childhood.

The first real memory I have of listening to your music was when I was 6 years old. I was at a gathering with my friend and “Our Song” was on and I remember saying “I love this song!!” and dancing to it.

In second grade a new girl moved to my school and we instantly became friends. I had liked your music already, but she was the one who really kickstarted my addiction when she played the fearless platinum edition for me. It was that moment when you officially became my favorite singer, and you have been ever since. I moved and lost touch with that friend, but I still think about how essential she was in my life because without her I’m not sure I’d have ever become as obsessed with your music as I became and still am.

In third grade I moved and that was really hard for little 8 year old me. I went from a school where I was friends with everyone, to a school where I had trouble making friends, and where a lot of the girls were pretty mean to me. Songs like “You Belong With Me” and “Fifteen” always made me feel better with lyrics like “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers” and especially “laughing at the other girls who think they’re so cool, we’ll be out of here as soon as we can.” It was such a great thing for me to have an idol who was also an underdog and didn’t fit in at school. I also became best friends with a girl named Abigail after I moved and I was so excited that we also related in that aspect. That was also around the time Speak Now came out. “The Story of Us” became a favorite of mine and still is to this day. We had a project that year where we each had a week where we had a spotlight and one of the things was who was “Who do you look up to most?” And while most people said their parents I said Taylor Swift (sorry mom and dad).

In fourth grade I got my first ever CD player. I would spend hours sitting next to my CD players listening to your albums and studying the lyric booklets until every lyric was permanently ingrained into my mind. I was so inspired by you that I started writing my own songs and decided I wanted to be a singer. (At the time I didn’t know I have a terrible voice).

In fifth grade we had a talent show and my two friends and I sang “Back to December.” Also that year Red came out. When “I Knew You Were Trouble” came out I was instantly obsessed. I remember listening to Red for the first time and when “Begin Again” ended I was like “well she told me to begin it again” so I listened to the album again. (Or like a thousand more times.) Red made that fall so magical.

In sixth grade I went to my first ever one of your concerts. My parents surprised me with the tickets and I was so excited. I got a cute new outfit for it, and it also happened to be picture day at school. I felt so cool to get to be checked out of school to get to go to Nashville for your concert. My mom and I had no idea that we were practically right behind the second stage until we got there and started talking to this girl there. When the concert started I started crying because I couldn’t believe I was seeing you in person. When you got to the second stage I did not hesitate to run up and get as close as possible. You were right in front of me and I was in awe. You got right up close and I almost even got a guitar pic from you. It was one of the best nights of my life.

In seventh grade 1989 came out. It instantly became my favorite album and still is to this day. I listened to it 24/7. I was even one of those annoying kids who played it out loud on the school bus (which got me made fun of uh oh but in retrospect is understandable but she was also just really mean lol).

In 8th and 9th grade I was going through my “I grew don’t like Taylor Swift anymore, I’m too cool for that” phase which is hilarious looking back because I did not grow out of your music and I for sure was NEVER cool.

In 10th grade reputation came out and GOD I will NEVER forget the feeling of listening to LWYMMD for the first time. reputation defined that fall for me and listening to it for the first time was one of the best experiences of my life.

In 11th grade my parents told me we were moving. I was devastated because I didn’t want to move away from my best friend who I lived next door to for years and the people I had been going to school with for 8 years. During that same time I had a friend group that constantly left me out and tried to make it feel like it was my fault whenever I would call them out and stand up for myself. It was a horrible feeling. Losing my friend group and moving at the same time. But songs like LWYMMD and “I Did Something Bad” always reminded me that leaving was right and that I didn’t need people like them in my life. But as sad as that all was, it reminded me of how my real best friend was always by my side. I also became friends with a girl who made me feel valid and didn’t leave me out of things, and acknowledged how hard moving must be for me. It was songs like “Call it What You Want” and “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” that reminded me that I didn’t need a lot of friends, but those two closest friends who had never been anything but true friends. The second semester I started at my new school, and it was hard and I sat alone a lot at lunch the first few weeks but I remembered that Taylor had talked about the empty lunch tables of her youth and it made me feel a lot better. “ME!” Gets a lot of hate, but it was just what I needed at the time. It was also so awesome because I love both Panic! And Taylor.

The beginning of senior year was pretty crazy. College courses, a play, college applications, senior capstone, etc., but the album Lover came out. Lover really became the soundtrack of my senior year. It made all the stress just a little bit more tolerable. I’ve always struggled a lot with self confidence, and that year I think I hit a high and low of both. When I got offered to be student director of the spring musical it hit a high. I listened to “ME!” And felt on top of the world. But of course, things don’t ever go smoothly. Corona virus struck, and I lost a large portion of my senior year, and any live performances of our musical (which we recorded and are live-streaming in August if you’d like to see it 👀). I hit a low point when quarantine first started, but I got through it and I’m stronger for it. Marathoning your music videos is definitely one of the best quarantine activities.

Which brings us to today. I’m 18. That’s pretty terrifying. The future is so uncertain with the virus still looming, but lately I’ve had this feeling that everything is going to be alright and that I’m going to be successful in life. So, Taylor, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are, I just wanted to thank you for being such a huge part of my life so far, and I hope that one day I can thank you in person.

Love, Jenni

@taylorswift @taylornation

[odaatlover]

My Coming Out Story

Note: This story will include a lot of binary-ness in order to properly convey my thoughts and feelings, since that’s how I saw the world for most of my life. 

It was sometime around 7th grade when I began to realize that I liked girls. Of course, there were signs way before then -- always wanting to be the “man” when playing house, always using the pronouns “she/her” when making up love songs, constantly removing the clothes from my sister’s Barbie dolls…and this all happened when I was in the single digits. But around 12 years old was when I became curious about other girls in a way that -- looking back now -- was more than just friendly. I liked boys, they made good friends since I had more in common with them than with other girls, but something about girls was more alluring to me. I had a curiosity for them that was indescribable. Of course, now that I’m an adult, I know exactly how to describe it…GAY AF. 

There was this one girl that I found really attractive…we’ll call her Anne, for the sake of anonymity. Anne was in my class in 7th grade, and I found myself looking at her (AKA, checking her out) quite often. In 8th grade, Anne was in the same P.E. class as me. When changing out in the locker rooms, I always chose the locker close to hers. At the time, I thought it was because I just liked that particular locker…NOPE. Turns out it was just because I liked that particular Anne. I would steal glances at her body, which I’m a little embarrassed to admit now because it seems very stalkerish, but if you’re not creepily stalking your crush at 13 years old, are you really even 13 years old? See, I had no idea it was possible to even be attracted to girls like that, because my parents did an excellent job of shielding me from the “gay lifestyle” (nice try, ‘rents). So, I didn’t think anything of it. I just assumed that I was OBSESSED with her because I wanted to be her, not because I was attracted to her or anything. So I proceeded to carry out the rest of my middle school career with the carefree mindset that I was just like everyone else my age. Ah, the serenity. 

Then I went to high school…and 9th grade was a game changer for me. I found out that, plot twist, you actually can be gay! (insert well-known Home Alone Macaulay Culkin picture here) 

I started to notice myself eye humping paying more attention to girls around me, and I began to question my sexuality. Do I like girls? Am I gay? I like boys too though, right? I mean, I must, because obviously in every single movie and TV show I’ve ever seen, girls like boys…I’m probably bi. Yep, that’s it, I’m bi. Mystery solved!

…that lasted all of three days after making the dreadful mistake of looking at porn sites with naked men on our home computer while my parents were out of the house. *shudders*

Nope. Definitely not bi. I only like girls. 100%. 

But then a thought occurred to me…can I really say that if I’ve never had a boyfriend before? I don’t think I can…I need a boyfriend! 

A couple months later, after daily bartering and promises to a god that I didn’t believe in that I would do my chores every day in exchange for a boyfriend (as if god somehow cared that my room was kept clean and the dishwasher was emptied regularly), a miracle happened…the very awkward boy in my P.E. class that had I had never spoken more than two words to passed me a note that said, verbatim, “I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?” And of course, I said ‘yes’. I was beyond excited…until the next day, when the initial excitement of the thought of having a boyfriend had worn off, and I realized that this guy was my boyfriend. Before, I was only thinking about the label ‘boyfriend’, not about what the job actually entailed. I took one look at him and had this sinking feeling in my stomach that something wasn’t right. I had a boyfriend…not a girlfriend, a boyfriend. I had to hold this guy’s bulky hand, and hang out with him outside of school, and converse with him, and kiss him. And none of that sounded appealing to me. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last very long. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship since we never held hands, never kissed, and never spoke outside of that P.E. class. In fact, I barely even spoke to him during P.E. class. I avoided that boy like the plague, and the only thing that dictated that we were even together was the fact that I had changed my status on Myspace to “in a relationship”. I mean, I had a better connection with my dog -- who was a female, ironically. 

It wasn’t until I was 15 and nearing the end of 10th grade that I had finally told one of my friends. She was one of those friends that I was kind of close to, but not super close to. I specifically picked her because I knew she would be okay with it, but just in case she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be super heartbroken about losing her as a friend. I texted her (of course) that there was this girl that I liked -- not Anne, someone completely different, because teens move quick -- and she was super cool with it! 

A couple of months later at band camp, I was eating lunch in the dining hall with the guys on the drum line with me, and an attractive girl from another camp walked by, and one of the guys said, “Whoa, that girl is hot!” The rest of the guys at the table verbally agreed, and I naturally nodded my head in silence. He noticed, and with a surprised look asked me, “You think she’s hot?” I paused, doing the whole internal dialogue of do I lie or do I use this moment to come out? I chose the latter, and nodded my head. With an even more surprised look, he asked, “Are you gay?” I nodded my head again. The guys at the table looked around at each other and basically said, “Oh, cool.” Some were surprised, some were not so surprised, but nobody said anything negative. By the end of band camp, pretty much the entire band knew, and I was out! 

After that, I decided to change my newly created Facebook profile to say “interested in women”. I set it to where only my friends at school could see, since they already knew, and it felt really freeing. 

…turns out it was set to public, and my mom saw it. This was a couple of months after band camp. It was a September day, and she was driving me home from a lesson I had with my percussion teacher. With a small laugh she asked, “Why does your Facebook profile say that you’re interested in women?” She obviously thought that it was a mistake -- and a very amusing one at that -- and I did the internal dialogue thing again. Am I ready? Do I take the opportunity and just run with it? There’s never going to be a good time, and everyone at school already knows. Might as well just get it over with now. With a very small voice, I said, “Because I am.” She stopped laughing, and the car got really quiet. The amused smile was wiped from her face, and was replaced by a look of something that resembled a mix of pain, disappointment, and confusion. I had never been more terrified in my entire life, than in that moment. You see, I come from a very religious, very conservative, Trump-supporting southern white family. So, to say that she wasn’t okay with it, was an understatement. (Author’s note: What the f*ck was I thinking??) 

She was quiet the rest of the ten-minute drive home with a frown plastered on her face, obviously trying to figure out what to say to her ‘confused’ daughter, since she had been completely blindsided. And I just sat there looking ahead at the road, trembling with sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat, realizing that I had just made a terrible mistake. 

When we got home, she forced me to tell my dad. My dad has the same personality as me – witty, unassertive, avoids confrontation, wouldn’t hurt a fly, nerdy. Growing up, my mom was the ‘scary’ parent. I wasn’t afraid of what my dad would say in response, because he’s a very calm man, unlike my mom (not that she’s a man). But as soon as she said I had to tell him, I began to freak out, because it meant that I would have to come out again. Having to come out like that two times in a short span of 15 minutes is a lot for a young 16-year-old. Not only that, but I had never actually said the words “I’m gay” or “I like girls” out loud to someone before. I told my friend through text, I nodded my head at band camp, and the only words I had said to my mom were “because I do.” In order to tell my dad, I was going to have to actually tell him that I was gay, which terrified me more than anything in my entire life. I wasn’t ready for that, and yet I was being forced into doing so. 

I walked up to my parents’ bedroom where he was lying in bed reading a book, with my mom following closely behind me. She told him that I had something to tell him, and he got up and just looked at me with confusion. I stood there, frozen, unable to get the words out. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. 

“Go ahead, tell him what you told me.” My mom said as she waited impatiently with her arms folded sternly across her chest. I instantly broke down and started crying, and my dad just hugged me. I finally was able to choke out the words “I like girls” through my sobs, and my dad just audibly swallowed in response and continued to hug me. 

The rest of that day is a bit of a blur, considering that was over 10 years ago, but basically once I had calmed down, my parents told me it wasn’t right, that I was confused, that marriage is between a man and a woman, that two women can’t even have sex together because their ‘parts don’t fit’, blah blah blah. After that, my mom would sit down with me every night and we’d do ‘bible study’ together. This was on top of the Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night church services I had already been forced to attend since I was born. I was never a religious person, and even as a little kid I hated going to church, so you can imagine how awful it was having to read a book I didn’t believe in every single night with my homophobic mother, basically hating myself. This lasted pretty much until I graduated and left for college, two years later. 

I never officially came out to my older sister. My parents told her, and she and I never really talked about it because I was too afraid that she would treat me the same way as my mom. Everyone at school was supportive though. Nobody in my life had a problem with it except for my parents, so I began to gravitate towards my friends and away from my family. 

In 12th grade, I had this friend that I was getting really close to. I worked up the courage to tell her that I liked her, and it didn’t go as well as planned. She blocked me on Facebook and never spoke to me again. Whenever she saw me in the hallways at school, she would move to the other side and avoid eye contact. That was a bit difficult to get through, seeing as it was the first time I ever told a girl that I liked her. But a few months later I got my first girlfriend, so it was okay. I didn’t need that girl anyways. *holds up ‘90s ‘talk to the hand’ gesture* Oh, and I was with my first girlfriend for almost a year and a half (with the first year being long distance since she was a grade below me and then went to the same college as me the next year), but we weren’t compatible. Honestly, we were both tops, and even more honestly, I would’ve said yes to any girl at that point. But she was cool, and we still talk from time to time. So it’s all good. 

When I got to college, I wasn’t shy about my sexual orientation. I got my degree in music education, and the majority of the guys at the music school were gay, so I knew it was a safe space. Nobody had a problem with it, and I was actually pretty popular and had a lot of friends. There were a lot of gay gays, but I was pretty much the only lesbian, which made me well-known. College life was great! Whenever I would have to go home for breaks, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to go back to that house. I didn’t want to go back to my parents. I wanted to stay in my safe little world with my supportive friends where I could make my own decisions, and wasn’t forced to go to church. My college was only two hours away from ‘home’, but thankfully it was just far enough that I didn’t have to go back often. 

Skip to 2019 (two bad relationships later), and both of my parents are still unsupportive, but at least they don’t say anything when I bring my wife to family get-togethers. They’re polite. My sister LOVES my wife, and we often hang out with my sister and her husband. Even though religion is very important to her, she’s way more open-minded than my parents, and is accepting of my sexuality and recognizes my marriage as one that’s equal to hers. After I came out to my parents, I kind of lost that relationship I had with them. I’m not super close to them, since they never truly made me feel loved and accepted. They supported me in every other aspect of my life, but couldn’t fully embrace who I was, since they don’t believe that my sexuality is real, but rather just a sin and a man-made thought put into my head by modern society. 

I currently only live 20 minutes away from my parents, but only visit them for special occasions. I definitely visit way less often since the passing of our family dog back in September, which made me realize that she was the main reason I would go over there. My sister and her husband live one neighborhood over from my parents, and I’ll visit them as often as I can. I don’t have the best relationship with my parents, but honestly, at this age I am 100% okay with that. I don’t rely on them for anything anymore, and I have an amazing wife, wonderful friends who I consider my family, and a supportive sister. I don’t need my parents, and that’s okay.

So, if you’re a young person who’s currently in the closet or who has come out and is having an awful experience with it, just know that it truly does get better. I know everyone says that, and it’s probably difficult to believe at this point in your life, but it really is true, I promise. 

And if you’re a parent whose kid is struggling with their own sexuality, then my advice to you is to be supportive. Tell them that you love them. And tell them that you support them, even if you don’t. The last thing you want to do is make them feel like who they are is invalid or wrong, because you will lose them. Even if you’re there for them through everything else, if you can’t get on board with something that is a part of their very being, you will lose them. 

Thank you for reading my story, and I hope this helps someone out there ❤️

[ethanswhxre]

Perfect Mistake

A/n: I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD AND NEVER PUT IT ANYWHERE so you all get this great gem. Pls do not judge too harshly. Also 1D is still together because I do not care enough to change the plot that much 

Word Count: 3k (I have another 3k I can post if literally anybody wants it)

Summary (this is from 1dff days so its a whole bit w an excerpt and everything): “I just don't know what to do Harry." 

"Well I know what I wanna do," he said, pressing against me. 

"Harry, we're drunk. We're not thinking straight." My voice was shaky as I took a step a backwards, shivering when my back hit the wall. 

"I can think just fine," he purred, leaning in. And then his lips were crashing against mine, hard and demanding. His hands landed on my hips, one running up the length of my body and tangling in my hair. His tongue ran along the seam of my lips and I gave him what he wanted. Because I wanted it too.

He pulled away and looked at me funny. "Marry me." 

It wasn't even a question the way he said it. It was a demand. 

And I didn't even think twice about it. "Okay." 

Harry smiled and picked me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. "Alright then, let's go find a priest." 

And I don't know if it was the alcohol or Harry, but Devon never even crossed my mind. 

Chapter One

It was raining. Again. It had rained everyday for the past week and I was getting really tired of riding my bike around in it. Not to mention, I was supposed to meet Mac at La Val’s Pizza 5 minutes ago. She knew I was prone to lateness though, so she usually told me to be somewhere 15 minutes before she actually wanted me there. Which is why she was my best friend.

My bike screeched up to the front of La Val’s just as Mac rounded the corner.

“Hey Kitty Cat!” She said, sticking her tongue out as she came towards me. Her ratty blonde hair was up in a bun and her small frame was huddled under her bright yellow rain jacket. I had to look just as good in my old black leather jacket and sweatpants.

Mac walked to the door, holding it open for me as I locked up my bike. “Hurry up before I melt!”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that you’re a witch,” I said, snorting.

“No.” She elongated the “O”, rounding her lips exaggeratedly. “It’s because I’m made of sugar!” she said, shivering in her rain boots. “Now hurry!”

My bike lock clicked closed and I ran to the door and inside the warm dry restaurant, Mac following close behind.

I grabbed a table while she went up to order our usual: a large beef, onion, and green pepper pizza. Mac found me a couple of minutes later, Lori Jones in tow.

“Look who I found!” She sat down across from me, pulling Lori in next to her. Lori was a freshman who had a single dorm just down the hall from us. She was pretty enough, with her short brown hair and large green eyes, and nice enough definitely. The thing about Lori though, was that she was overly obsessive. I mean yeah, sure I have my leather jackets and Mac had Spongebob but Lori got obsessive about everything. For example, as soon as her butt hit the seat, she wouldn’t shut up about One Direction.

“They’re playing The Greek Theatre tonight y’know. That’s literally 5 minutes away from my dorm. Aren’t you excited? I’m soooo excited. I mean so what I’ve seen them live 7 times already. I could always go for an 8th! Or even a 9th! Or a billionth really. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of them. They’re debuting a song tonight y’know. My ovaries are going to explode, I’m sure of it!”

Mac put a hand over Lori’s, quieting her. “Yeah it sounds great and all but Cat and I aren’t even going tonight.”

“What! That’s crazy! Why not! I mean it’s a free One Direction concert! You guys are crazy!”

“Not crazy,” I put in. “Just not fans.”

“You guys don’t like their music!” She looked appalled and enraged at the same time. Like she couldn’t imagine a teenage girl who wasn’t a fan of boyband-pop.

“It’s not that we don’t like it,” Mac said, looking to me for help because she did, in fact, hate everything having to do with One Direction.

“It’s more that we just have a lot to do and aren’t big enough fans to go. I have all their stuff on my phone, I just don’t have a desire to hear it live.”

“Yeah. That’s exactly it,” Mac said, looking quite relieved.

Just then, the pizzas arrived. We were silent as we ate.

At 6, Lori practically ran out of the pizza shop so she’d have enough time to get ready.

Mac and I left a couple of minutes later, me on my bike and her on foot. I rode slowly, never getting more than a couple feet in front of her. It was only drizzling then, and we talked as we walked.

“Y’know,” she started. “I think I might have a crush on Lori. I mean, there’s the whole ‘I’m in love with One Direction, who are boys, therefore I’m straight’ thing, but that’s really just a small issue.” Mac was gay. Like, painfully so sometimes. We’d been friends since 8th grade and while she’d only come out of the closet after we graduated, I’d known since the beginning. People asked me if it was weird, sharing a dorm room with her, but she swore she hadn’t even entertained the possibility of us being together since 10th grade when she’d had a ‘Cat is my soulmate’ spell. I trusted her and she trusted me and she was my best friend whether she liked to have sexual relations with boys or not.

I laughed, “Yeah, that’s really a tiny problem, easy to work around.” She shoved me lightly, almost knocking me off my bike. “What was that for?!”

“You were patronizing me. You with your perfect boyfriend and great relationship. I can’t believe you and Devon have been together for almost 2 years.” She sighed, almost longingly.

“Yup, our anniversary is on Thursday.” I got smiley just thinking of Devon. He and his twin brother, and my longtime friend, Ryan, had spent the last week in L.A. because Ryan had a dancing gig there. Dev was supposed to be home tomorrow and I couldn’t wait to see him.

My train of thought was interrupted by Mac suddenly shouting.

“What the..? Mac are you alright?” She was looking down at her phone, her mouth wide open.

“Look at this picture Annie just sent me of Megan! Look at it!” She shoved her screen in my face. On it was a picture of Megan Fox in a bikini. Spongebob and Megan Fox were Mac’s 2 and only loves.

I just shook my head and pulled my bike up the steps to the front door of Stern Residential Hall. It was on the NE corner of Cal’s campus and only a couple minute walk to all of my classes. I adored it.

Mac caught up to me as I locked my bike up. Her phone was away now. “I’m so drained from work today but I have an essay due on Monday and I just want to watch Spongebob all day tomorrow.”

“Yeah I have loads of homework too,” I said, pulling the door open.

“Suprise!!”

“Ahhh!”

“Cat? What the? Ohhh. You idiot! You know she hates surprises!”

My eyes were squeezed shut and all I could hear was Mac’s loud yelling. Until: “Cat baby I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you or upset you. I just wanted to do something nice. I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.” And lean arms wrapped themselves around my small frame and lifted me to my toes. My eyes fluttered open to see my boyfriend's extremely apologetic face.

“Devon! You weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow!” I cuddled my face into his chest, inhaling his scent of pine before looking up to take in the sight of him again. His brown hair laid flat on his head but his hazel eyes were alight. I sighed with happiness to just be near him again.

“You alright now?” He asked, putting me back down.

I nodded, snuggling into his side. He laughed and stepped away, making me look up at him. His usually confident air was suddenly shaky, like he was nervous. “Hey, babe?”

“Yeah?” I cocked my head to the side, waiting.

“I have something very important to ask you,” he said, before dropping down to one knee. I could feel my mouth drop open, dread running through my body. 

He could not be doing this. Not now. 

“Catherine Lauren Herrara, will you marry me?” His hopeful hazel eyes shown up at me as time slowed down. I couldn’t say yes. I wasn’t ready to get married. I mean, I loved Devon and I planned to marry him someday, just not any day soon. I loved my life the way it was. No, no he couldn’t do this to me. I didn’t want to hurt him by saying no, but I wasn’t ready to say yes. I could feel tears slipping from my eyes and my fight or flight reaction kicked in.

I fled.

Up 3 flights of stairs and down the hall to dorm number 308. I was shaking and couldn’t my key in the door. I could hear Devon, Ryan, and Mac running towards me, making me panicky. I finally got the key in, unlocked the door, and ran inside, slamming it closed behind me. I heard Mac sliding in her key, and I curled up into a ball on my bed, waiting for them to all come pouring in. But Mac shut the door before either of the twins could make it through.

“I love you, babe. No matter what. Please, talk to me,” Devon said from outside.

“Go away, Dev. Give her a bit. We’ll talk later okay?” Mac said back.

“Yeah, alright. Love you, Cat.”

Mac came and sat on the edge of my twin bed, stroking my hair. “What’s wrong babe? I thought you loved him?”

I sat up and sighed, wiping the tears from my face. “I do, Mac, I do. I really really do. I’m just not ready to marry him. I just… I like the way things are and I’m not ready for them to change.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell him that? He’d understand. Or at least try, for you. He loves you.”

“I know, it’s just that he looked so hopeful, I just couldn’t say no and crush him. I love him too much.” Mac nods, getting up. Well, how about we blast some music and get some schoolwork done? Nothing numbs your brain like good ol’ homework.”

After struggling through my schoolwork for a solid 4 hours, I was exhausted and my stomach was screaming for food. I was a person who had to eat at least 2 hours before I could fall asleep so I couldn't eat much. My stomach growled again and Mac, who'd gone to sleep hours ago, rolled over in her bed. I internally groaned, mind made up. I grabbed my computer and quietly snuck out of the room, tiptoed down the hall, and jumped in the elevator. When I made my way downstairs, I noticed a sleeping form on the couch in the lobby. Tiptoeing closer, I about gasped when I realized it was Devon. He slept here?! Did he think I'd eventually come down and talk to him? Was he planning on ambushing me when I came down in the morning?

I watched him sleep for a moment. He was agitated, tossing and turning. Without thinking I laid a hand on his shoulder. He calmed. I quickly pulled my hand back and walked to the door, looking over my shoulder as I pulled it open.

I left my bike locked up and quickly hopped down the stairs to the street. It was a 5-minute walk to my favorite coffee shop, Brewed Awakening, which was open till 2am. I walked along, lost in my thoughts.

I loved Devon, I did, but I couldn't get married, not with both my parents and my brother in the middle of a divorce. Devon knew my views on marriage. I had to be able to support myself before I got married. I needed a degree and a good job. I needed things to fall back on for when the inevitable happened.

I reached the coffee shop then and pulled the door open. Cathy was behind the counter. She was a senior majoring in news writing and I knew her from my creative writing class. She had talent. "Hey, Cat. Coming from the concert?" She must not have seen my laptop.

I chuckled a little. "Nah, not me," I said, holding my computer up. "Sucks you had to work tonight though if you wanted to go."

She shook her head. "No, I'm not a fan. Greg's paying me double for this shift actually because I'm the only one willing to work tonight."

"Ooh nice," I said, giving her a thumbs up. "Anyway, can I just get a hot chocolate please?"

"Of course!" I handed her a five dollar bill and she handed me the change back. "You alright hon?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing, I'm just arguing with Devon right now. He assured me he understood something and then turned around and proved he actually had no fucking clue." I shrugged, frowning.

Cathy nodded, humming in understanding before turning to make my chocolate milk. "I'm sure he'll come around. But honestly, as perfect for each other as you two are, I'm surprised you've lasted this long. You're both so young, barely 20. You don't know if there's anyone else, any other type of person you fit with. I've been with Tyler for three years but I had a whole year of crazy partying and one night stands. All the experimentation out of my system. Neither of you had that. And I guess some people don't need it and I don't want to say that your happiness isn't valid, it just surprises me."

She works as she talks, finishing just as she ends her last sentence. "Just think about it," she says, handing me the hot cup.

I nod, processing her words. She's right. I'd never been with anyone else. I hadn't had a serious boyfriend in high school and I'd been with Devon for both my years of college. I'd never gone out and danced with strangers or gotten blackout drunk and woken up in bed with someone whose name I didn't know. And these were experiences I wanted before I got married; before I even considered diving into that pool.

I sighed, sliding into a booth in the corner and opening my computer. My blog, Poetry Flowers, had hit 1 million visitors sometime that day and I decided a new poem and a thank you post was in order. All my attention went to that and I didn't notice when the doorbell dinged, or when the two other customers practically shrieked, and I certainly didn't notice when someone slid into the seat across from mine.

Which is why I jumped when he said hello.

My head shot up and I locked eyes with a pair of bright green irises. I raked my eyes up to his dark brown hair and then down to his thin lips. Harry Styles sat in front of me.

"Urm. Can I help you?" I asked, in slight shock.

"No." He slid his hands behind his head and leaned back, looking very at ease.

"Oh. So why are you sitting in my booth?"

"Is this your booth? I'm sorry. I didn't realize you owned it." He smirked.

"I don't own it, but I'm sitting here right now."

"On that side, yeah. So you can have that side, and I'll take this one."

I furrowed my eyebrows. “That’s really not how it works.”

He leaned in. “Look, this is the only place where no one can see me walking by. Please just let me sit here for a bit. I’m exhausted and I don’t think I can handle any more autographs.” His eyes are pleading, his face sad.

I leaned back in my seat, nodding my head a bit before going back to my blog. I’d written a poem already for the 1 million view occasion but I couldn’t bring myself to post it. I put up one I'd written during one of my homework breaks earlier, about Devon.

“So, um, what are you typing so intensely?” Harry asked.

“None of your business,” was my only reply. Suddenly, he shot up from his seat and slid in right next to me, his side pressing against mine.

“I was just 18 when we met

On the train to nowhere

But now we’re somewhere

I never meant to be

And I loved you for miles

Your smile was my heartbeat

And that was quite a feat

For someone without one

You know everything there is to know

But I don’t think you understand

I left my heart unmanned

And you tore it apart

Now I’m running in circles

Scared out of my mind

You say the stars aligned

For us that day

But I can’t bring myself to believe a single word you say”

“Wow. That’s pretty good. Did you write that?” He turns his face toward mine, leaving us just inches apart. My eyes fall to his lips, causing me to bite my own. I notice his eyes drop to where my teeth are dragging over my bottom lip. I want to lean in and kiss him, and I almost do when my head snaps back in place. What am I doing?! I have a boyfriend.

I swing my head around to face my laptop, breaking eye contact with Harry. I shake my head before answering. “Yeah, I wrote it. And you read it. Even though I really didn’t want you to.” I add a “Sorry it’s so sad but thank you guys so much for over a million visits!!” to the bottom and hit post, all while Harry is still breathing down my neck.

“So who’s it about?”

“No one.”

“It has to be about someone.”

“Well, it’s not.”

Suddenly, Cathy appears. “Here’s your coffee, Mr. Styles. I hope you like it. Hey, Cat.” She waves and walks away whistling, not realizing what she’s done.

“Cat, huh? Like a kitty cat? I like it. What’s it short for?” He takes a sip of his coffee. As if he needs more energy.

I don’t reply. “Okay fine. Whatever, Kitty Cat, don’t tell me.”

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. Harry Styles is much more annoying than I thought he’d be.

“Well, I’m out now. Thank you for letting me sit in not-your-booth.” He shoots me a wink. “Hope I see you around.”

He gets up and walks out, looking back as he opens the door. I sigh deeply, letting my head drop to my keyboard. 

I’m exhausted. 

I drain the rest of my hot chocolate and shut down my computer before waving goodbye to Cathy and leaving the coffee shop. A pool of girls stands on the sidewalk, surrounding Harry. He fakes smiles and laughs and signs a dozen things and I watch him for a moment, amazed at how well he handles the attention. He looks up just as I think that I should look away. Our eyes meet. He smiles, a real one, before going back to his audience.

I walk back home and climb in bed, my mind louder than ever. 

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[megan-callitwhatyouwant]

What Taylor Swift means to me: An essay

Taylor Swift is not just another popstar - not to me at least, and I need to vent.

Taylor Swift’s debut self-titled album came out on October 4, 2006, I was 7 years old at the time, about to turn 8. I felt really alone, my parents were in pre-divorce meaning they were still trying to work through a failing marriage and living in my home was like walking on eggshells, it didn’t help that we had just recently moved from Kentucky to Illinois, hours away from any family so we were on our own. It was summer of 2007 that my mom’s dad and stepmother came to visit us from Kentucky. My Nana (my mom’s stepmother) really loved country music. I did not, I hated it, and was really disappointed to see that CMT was the channel she had chosen to watch (not to worry I have since grown and seen the light that country music can be in dark times, I also discovered old country which is honestly ~iconic~.) As I was actively bitching in my head about how much I hate country music Taylor Swift came on the screen with her super curly blonde hair talking to “Drew” in front of some lockers and I was of course intrigued, the next scene is her laying in a bed snuggling a guitar with rhinestones on her face and lip gloss on her lips  (which was and always will be iconic) and I was absolutely obsessed. I begged and begged my mom for the album and finally received it in November of 2007 for my 9th birthday, by this point my dad had lost his job, at the time I didn’t know why but I later found out he was so depressed about his relationship falling apart that he had just quit going to work, his options were to find a new job in Illinois where we lived or to take his old job in Kentucky back. He ended up doing the latter and moved away. We stayed in Illinois so my mom, who went back to school late could finish her degree, at the time the understanding was 2 years. It was like really really hard on me when my dad left, I fell apart a bit and was angry at my mom for keeping us in Illinois and angry at my dad for leaving but it’s hard to be angry at someone you miss. My dad always got me a white teddy bear on Valentine’s day and the most recent one had been easily my favorite and I started taking it to school with me everyday to still feel close to him, everyone knows how kids can be especially when you’re taking a freaking stuffed animal to school and you’re almost 10 years old. I knew it was going to happen, I knew I was going to get shit from other kids but it was so important to me to just have that little piece of my dad and to not feel alone but things got really hard with the other kids. Taylor Swift felt like my only friend and she sang about being an outcast in songs like “The Outside” and “A Place in this World.” She gave me songs to feel sad to when I was angry like “Invisible” and “Cold as You.” Absolute bops to make everything feel right in the world like “Mary’s Song”, “Our Song”, and “Should’ve said no.” This album had everything I needed when I was going through this as a kid and listening to it even now serves as a reminder that things eventually get better and the songs on it are all still absolute bangers. Taylor knows how to capture feelings that feel unmanageable and unexplainable and make them magically feel manageable and like a shared experience. This is I believe what has made Taylor such an unrelenting force in the music industry and why she so seamlessly was able to transition from country to pop. It was never about the genre it was absolutely always about her lyrical genius and the shared human experiences she has always been able to portray so well.

I am so lucky that I found Taylor at such a young age, dumb luck has had her releasing albums exactly when I needed them most. Fearless came out a little before my birthday in 2008, Taylor has a pattern of releasing albums in the fall which also happens to be when my birthday is so it works out perfectly for me. Fearless served as a healing album for me, it was one I danced around my room with my one friend to. It helped me cope with my first crush who obviously didn’t like me back and it made me feel normal despite how hectic my life was with my dad being gone and my mom being essentially a single mother with 2 kids while pursuing a college degree (which was an amazing feat for her but didn’t leave her much time to spend with my sister and I.) I absolutely adored Taylor Swift and every song she released just made me feel everything and I loved her. Fearless for me is like a time capsule to simpler times, I listen to Fearless and it makes me feel like everything is going to be okay and everything was for a while. I found out in Summer of 2010 that my parents were getting a divorce, I had thought that they were trying to work things out so this came as a shock to me, my mom wouldn’t tell me what happened. Me and my friend I mentioned earlier, Margaret-Rose, were on a spy kick we had just gotten our hands on the Nancy Drew movie that came out in 2007 and had recently watched Harriet the Spy so we came up with a plan to figure out what had happened. My mom is the type of person to tell every bit of her own and everyone else’s business to her friends on the phone so me and Margaret-Rose thought it would be an excellent idea to have a sleepover, put on all black and sneak downstairs and out into the garage where my mom would have private phone conversations, we snuck out and hid behind my mom’s van in the garage and waited for her to come out and call a friend, we knew she would do this because she did this every night, she still does. What we found out is that my Dad had cheated on her and she had already been cheating on him, in my little 10 year old brain this computed to both my parents are terrible people and I was of course extremely hurt. I didn’t know how to tell my mom that I’d heard her, I laid there venting and crying to my friend all night it just was all around bad.  Of course not too long after Speak Now came out and had the songs “Innocent” and “Never grow up” on it which were a huge part in my healing from what I’d heard. “Innocent” helped me realize that I didn’t have to be mad no matter how wrong the things they did were, I could be hurt and forgive them without holding onto the anger that I felt, I could see them as innocent people who just made some mistakes. This is of course easier said than done and I sometimes do still feel angry but it really helped me adjust my perspective and I come back to both songs frequently. The album also had, as always, a few bangers to help you forget and feel magical.  Speak Now is hard for me to listen to now despite being such a beautiful and heavy body of work just because it takes me back to such dark times, but I think sometimes it’s important to take yourself back there just to show yourself what you went through and know that you got through it. Speak Now for me serves as a testament to the strength it takes to get through that kind of emotional pain and broken trust.

Taylor’s album “Red” came out in the last half of my 8th grade year, this year was rough for me because I knew it would be the last school year I’d spend in Illinois with the people I’d been going to school with for most of my life and then I’d be moving back to Kentucky to be near my Dad, 5 years later than the initial plan. It was just too hard for my parents to be around each other so they chose to stay in separate states which obviously wasn’t easy for the kids involved. It just served as an escape from my usual life as all previous albums had, I loved how much raw emotion was involved in this album especially. With “All Too Well” I couldn’t relate to the romantic part of it, but there were so many lines in the song I could relate to easily which is an amazing thing about Taylor Swift songs almost exclusively, even if the entire song doesn’t quite fit your situation you can always find a line or verse somewhere that just hits you hard in the chest. For me anxiety about moving away was eating me up and the line, “Time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed by it, I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it” just hit home so hard the first time I heard the song, that line comes to mind every time I feel nervous or scared about anything for a while because it just embodies that feeling so well of just not feeling like you and wanting what you’re going through to be over. I’ve never been through a romantic heart break but I’ve had friends break my heart and parents and just life in general and Taylor just embodied that so well with this song. This album is one I come back to frequently as I get older, it’s amazing how coming back to the albums you can experience them differently with your new life experiences. I’ll get back to Red later.

1989 came out October of my sophomore year of high school and I didn’t listen to it. My parents were actually going through the legal process of a divorce and things were just bad. I lived in a hotel for 2 weeks bad and didn’t want another one of her albums to feel like a time capsule to terrible times so I was waiting for things to get better but they just got worse my junior year. I listened to a lot of My Chemical Romance those 2 years if that shows at all just how angry and unhappy I was, I’m not going to get into it too much but my junior year of high school was the worst year of my life hands down. I FINALLY listened to this album in its entirety my SENIOR year of high school. I’d obviously heard songs from it on the radio despite trying not to and they were amazing and the album won a Grammy for album of the year, I was extremely excited to hear Taylor’s first all out pop album. She’d experimented with pop on a few songs on Red and those were, of course, iconic bangers. 1989 will always be one of my favorite albums by Taylor. I was (am) in a happy relationship, I was (am) in love, and I was thriving as a senior. It was one of the happiest times of my life and I could finally listen to her love songs and actually fully understand what she meant. “You are in love” will always always always mean everything to me and be about my boyfriend. “Clean” absolutely brought me to tears after the years I’d had before, I was reminded how healing she can be. “Style” is THE bad bitch anthem, there is no other song you can hit a strut to like “Style.” Taylor really made the perfect pop album on her first try and I’m so glad I waited to listen to it despite missing out on following the tour and watching the press conferences because 1989 will now forever be a time capsule into one of the happiest times of my life.

Reputation came out when I was starting college and let me tell you I HATE college. I was hating life and in the midst of all the college hating I was doing I find out that my boyfriend had chosen to attend a college in Pennsylvania which, for reference, is a 12 hour drive away from me. Aiden is the actual light of my life, he is what is good in this universe. He’s patient with me when I don’t deserve it, he understands me, and is there for me when I need him and how I need him without fail. He, much like Taylor, just knows what to say and how to make things better, they are the type of people everyone should strive to be like. Aiden being there makes things so much better so finding out he wasn’t going to physically be here anymore was rough. Life was rough, and I of course had a fresh Taylor album right when I needed it. This album was different from the rest because she was happy and in love when she wrote it, she had overcome hardships and I had never been able to relate to one of her albums more. I knew what it felt like to be misunderstood and seen as the bad guy by the people around me and watching her rise from the ashes the way that I had to not too long ago made me feel so good, I was so glad to see her happy and I was so happy to have the love songs to describe what I was feeling to go with it. “Dress” reminds me of how I felt about Aiden before he was my boyfriend, “Call it what you want” reminded me of him still wanting me despite the rough years I’d had previously, “King of my heart” ,“New Years Day”, and “Don’t blame me” will always be Aiden songs to me, always. Not to mention the absolute bangers Reputation delivered in “Delicate”, “I did something bad”, and “Ready for it…” Reputation deserved album of the year hands down and I’ll leave it at that. Despite Reputation being Taylor’s most lovey album by far Red has some of the most iconic love songs on it as well, “Treacherous” and “Come back, Be here” fit my situation so well it’s scary and they really just help me a lot right now because long distance is hard and I don’t know anyone I can talk to who can relate to what I’m going through fully and Taylor really just is there for me, again.

My point in all this is that Taylor Swift will be an icon long after she stops producing music and writing songs. I’m confident that this generation’s children will listen to her music and their children’s children because she is timeless. The raw emotion that goes into her songs is timeless and relatable. Her music isn’t popular because it’s catchy (though she’s good at that too - see “Shake it off”,) Its popular because she captures those raw emotions that you don’t know how to put into words or cope and puts them into words, she makes them normal, she makes you feel like you are not alone. She not only does this with her music but in the way that she treats her fans, she invites groups of fans to her home to play the album for them before it becomes available to the public, she interacts with them online, her mother handpicks fans from the crowds at her concerts to meet her backstage. She feels like a friend more than a celebrity and that is the magic that is Taylor Swift. I can’t wait for the next chapter.

@taylorswift

[marias-studyblr]

Hey! How are you? You doing okay? I don't know if your exams started already but good luck! You can do this!! Also I wanted to ask, did you make any goals for 2019? If so, what are they? (if you're ok saying them) For me I want to get my erasmus placement, raise my level of spanish and manage my time better so I can do more of the stuff I like outside of college! Silly one: what Hogwarts house are you? anyway, I hope you're well! Good luck and take care 💛

hello!!

before I give you my update, this is really interesting: I used pottermore to sort myself in a hogwarts house in my 8th-9th grade, so 5-6 years ago, and I got sorted into gryffindor. and since then, i considered myself a gryffindor. and I hadn’t taken the test again.. until today. I was interested in how the website had changed (was pleasantly surprised) and overall curious if I would be sorted into the same house, so i created a new account and retook the test.

and I got sorted into 💛 hufflepuff!💛

i was so surprised because I was expecting to see gryffindor, and as i was taking it in, it made 100% sense to me. I completely see myself as a hufflepuff, and have been for a while buried in my subconscious.

in these 5-6 years I changed to the core of my being. i am not recognizable inside out. I am NOT the same person I was. it is only natural my house would change. upon reflection, I feel like I do have strong traits from both houses, but from people who know me and from looking at my own habits, tastes and personality traits, I think dear dear hufflepuff profoundly suits me best.

I am very fond and proud of my house. 💛🌱

just imagining the sweet common room with the tones of yellow and brown, wood chairs and tables, filled with plants and tangling warm sunlight coming thru the window, with the sound of the singing birds and the fireplace in the background, makes me feel extremely warm and safe.

somewhere i’d be very happy! in the future, it will be fun to see how i will decorate my apartment and what environment i will create for myself and call home.

I continued the sorting and did my patronus, which wasn’t around when I last did the test (the quiz was really really cool) and my patronus is a Borzoi! i love it. so. much. :’’’) 💓 (you can read more about what it means here)  i wasn’t expecting a dog, but once again, it matches perfectly with my personality. i definitely am a dog person, i find safety with dogs. and a true story: i have a stuffed dog ever since i can remember that was given to me when i was a child and that has been guarding my bed still to this day.

I don’t remember what my wand was, I retook it and my wand is a cherry wood with a phoenix feather core, 10 ¾" and quite bendy flexibility. this is the info about the wand (: in case u also obsess over this like i do :)

🌱 ~ cherry: this very rare wand wood creates a wand of strange power, most highly prized by the wizarding students of the school of Mahoutokoro in Japan, where those who own cherry wands have special prestige. The Western wand-purchaser should dispel from their minds any notion that the pink blossom of the living tree makes for a frivolous or merely ornamental wand, for cherry wood often makes a wand that possesses truly lethal power, whatever the core, but if teamed with dragon heartstring, the wand ought never to be teamed with a wizard without exceptional self-control and strength of mind.

🍂 ~ phoenix: this is the rarest core type. Phoenix feathers are capable of the greatest range of magic, though they may take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike. Phoenix feather wands are always the pickiest when it comes to potential owners, for the creature from which they are taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. These wands are the hardest to tame and to personalise, and their allegiance is usually hard won.

🍵 ~ quite bendy flexibility: wand flexibility or rigidity denotes the degree of adaptability and willingness to change possessed by the wand-and-owner pair - although, again, this factor ought not to be considered separately from the wand wood, core and length, nor of the owner’s life experience and style of magic, all of which will combine to make the wand in question unique.

i would love to know what yours are too :3 feel free to lmk! ~~  

update:

today was my first exam and ⭐ I PASSED my pharmacology class!! ⭐

¼ done! I didn’t get an A, which was my goal, I got a B, but still am very proud of myself. I learned a lot from this class, I love knowing more and more about medicine.

one of my academic goals for 2019 is to raise my gpa so that’s why i want to have more A’s.

I wrote my goals for 2019 in my planner, divided them into sections “finances”, “habits”, “physical health”, “mental health”, “academic” and “social media”. each one has more specific goals like

save enough money for a trip with my mom in 2020

read 30 books

start using downtime more mindfully (more educational videos, documentaries, books, editing)

maintain normal fitness (blood pressure, blood sugar, weight)

maintain a healthy lifestyle - specifically eating habits and exercise regimen

sleep. SLEEP like a normal human for the love of god maria, please sleep your deserved 8 hours and don’t settle for 4-6 

improve my gpa

continue enjoying my university journey, with disciplined and organized studying

go eat with friends more

as always, keep improving the quality of my posts on social media and post as frequently as I can

overall I am striving to feel accomplished, organized, disciplined, happy. I want to be able to trust myself completely. leave behind, let go of anxiety, sadness that has happened. be able to handle challenges that will come for sure.

one year can change so much. can’t even begin to imagine what this 2019 will bring.~ 🌱💕

everyday we grow more and more.

as always thank u sooo much for writing to me, i really really appreciate it you angel ❤❤ it’s always amazing to hear from you. 🐇 have a great day/night!

[sagejistu]

I want to be better

I have been reaching out desperate to find a therapist to help me shoulder the burden of my ever shifting mindscape.

I have been dealing with disordered eating since I was 11 years old, I turn 21 in two weeks.

I know why it manifested, I grew up with an obsessive and insecure mother who thought it appropriate to discuss her starvation diet with me. When I entered 6th grade, I wasn't the "pretty" one, the "smart" one, the "funny" one, the "athletic" one, or even the "cool" one.

I was just me, the girl with buck teeth. the chubby girl who wears boys' polo shirts sized "husky" losing weight meant I could potentially become pretty, who wouldn't try that?

I remember telling my mother and her response was, "well if you are uncomfortable with your body, you can always change it."

My greenlight.

I started counting calories, but at 11 that was a difficult thing, so I just stopped eating--hard at first but waaaayyy easier to keep track. I grew up in my grandmother's house where my afternoons were spent eating the two grilled cheese sandwiches, multiple bowls of popcorn, two-three bowls of ice cream, and a plethora of little Debbie cakes. I have never had a healthy relationship with food. In childhood, while my mother starved herself I spent it gorging myself.

My parents used to tell me "good job" when I finished my food, and I spent such little time with them, that small validation felt like heroin. I was 8 years old eating off the adult menu at restaurants--and cleaning my plate like an animal. Every time, I got the "good job" eventually though, my father used to tease me about being a hog. When I started to lose weight in 6th grade, I never wanted to be called a hog again.

I don't really remember 7th and 8th grade. it was a blur of time--I know by 8th grade I was binging. from 8th to 9th grade I thought that if I ate whatever I wanted before 12PM and NOTHING after it, I wouldn't gain weight. So, I'd wake up and binge nonstop. I started doing planks and exercises in 8th grade.

In 9th grade, I met my first boyfriend, and the next 2 and a half years would end up being the worst of my disordered eating. In 10th grade, I stopped my morning binges but I began heavily exercising. 2-3 hours every day, I do not even remember what I did. but I do remember only eating maybe 1 bowl of cereal or a bagel a day and that was it. I was around 108lbs, I am 5'9 mind you.

I remember feeling terrible and emotionally void, my boyfriend was constant stress we were always fighting. towards the end of that year my obsessive thoughts became so terrible I broke down in front of my mother and asked for help. I was 16 years old. I was listening to "here comes the sun" by the Beatles, I wanted to see the sun so badly.

She found a therapist, a very unhelpful lady who'd Id ended up seeing a time or two but she told me in front of my mother that I was still underweight and needed to stop restricting myself. After that visit, I decided to gain weight, when I told my boyfriend he grew uncomfortable. So the summer before junior year, I set out to restore my weight. I gained 10-20lbs. in the month of July by eating massive amounts of peanut butter. That was one of the hardest things I ever did. Not only was I eating so much, I was hiking 2-3 hours a day and pacing my house in an effort to get nearly 30,000 steps a day.

When I came back to school in the fall, I was so ashamed and uncomfortable that I only wore the baggiest clothes. my relationship with my boyfriend briefly stabilized that Fall, but in the Spring it would deteriorate. During that time I discovered that eating a large meal a day would satisfy my need to eat and my need to restrict myself. my weight became healthy and I maintained that way of living for the next few years.

Senior year, we broke up which over that summer was so devastating I don't even remember eating. In the fall, I became so focused on graduating high school and repairing friendships that my ED fell on the backburner but it was always there.

I was still eating One meal a day when I transferred to community college in Fall 2019. it worked well for me, considering I am a busy person I could wait till I came home in the evenings to eat. there were days when I had to awkwardly tell people in the middle of the day "ooh I'm not hungry" but it was so manageable. a year and a half later I am with my current boyfriend, my last semester at Calhoun and I decide to fix my eating habits January 2021 and wholly hell am I successful. I learn how to eat breakfast, I eat a lunch, and dinner. I start eating "normally" until that later May where the meals slack off and I revert back to eating one meal a day.

Its now May 2022 and the last year has been that way, for the most part I would eat breakfast and then dinner skipping lunch entirely. But the past three months or so I stopped eating breakfast and now eat a lunch then dinner.

I want to tell my story to a therapist, I want to stop the thoughts that make me adhere to such structured eating. I want to eat normally. I want to let go of my past.

[stormyth-art]

tagged back by @suitcasesoffeathers​!!! (I’m also gonna answer my own questions in this post for @pilotpig​, thank you for being curious!! Haha

Also, sorry for all the long posts lately!!! (I just found out about the keep reading button so I’ll use that from now on!!!

1. If you could meet any fictional character in real life, who would it be and why? 

hmmm, maybe Hermione Granger? Since she could teach me all sorts of stuff about magic and tell me things that happened during the books that Harry was too oblivious of to notice. XD Hermione seems like she’d be more perceptive than him. 

2. If you could magically teleport anywhere (to a real location or fictional location), where would that be and why?

oooh, that’s fun, I’d go to Hogwarts for sure!! That would be so fun!!!

3. If you were in control of the world for a day, what would you do?

maybe just fire Trump and what’s his face vice president guy. lol, I think that’s the only thing I could do and not be scared of the repercussions. 

4. What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I’ve had so many weird dreams lol. There is one in particular that was this whole story thing going on, but it would take too long to write the whole thing, so I’ll tell you my favourite part. So, there was this servant boy and he and the princess fell in love and blah blah blah, but eventually he took her to visit his parents in his village. He lived in this rock thing and inside everything was saran wrapped. Th counters, the couches, everything (apparently this was for easy cleanup). So eventually this bell sounded (like a warning bell in medieval times) and that meant everyone had to go and steal food from each other and it was only legal between the first and second bell. The servant guy went off to steal food and everyone was beating each other up and it was terrible and then suddenly servant dude comes rolling down this hill (the village was on a slope) on top of a giant armadillo. He just rolled the armadillo into a convenient sized hole next to his house and claimed the armadillo as his own. (I found it funny when I think about it, but typing it up sounds weird....but I guess that’s the point lol)

5. What do you do when you’re bored?

I usually just complain that I’m bored then rewatch videos I’ve already seen or watch old shows I used to like, or I’ll draw.But lately I’ve been sucked into those top 10 scary videos lol.

6. What’s the dumbest injury you’ve ever gotten? (could be from cuts/scrapes to broken limbs, etc.)

When I was maybe 7 or 8 I was playing a video game with my siblings. It was this super weird racing game on the N64 and I was really into it for some reason, and every time I made a turn I would lean my body in that direction. I was sitting on a wooden stool while playing so the stool would lean too and eventually it just toppled to one side and my head landed right into a stone fire place. It was not fun lol, I still have a scar right next to my temple.

7. Do you have anyone that you really admire/aspire to be like one day? If so, who?

hmmm, I think my parents. A combination of the two. lol, that’s kind of a boring answer but it’s true.

8. Is something that you really treasure that other people may think is dumb?

ohh, there’s this stick I have. lol, I found a stick in the woods when I was 8 and it was the perfect walking stick with a thumb hold and everything. I loved that stick and brought it with me to school sometimes. And when we moved houses I brought it with and I still have that stick in my room and I’ll probably never throw it away at this point. I don’t know why I like it so much. XD

9. What are some positive personality traits that you believe/other people say you have? (no need to be modest ;))

lol, mmm, my parents say I’m creative. My dad says I’m really, thoughtful and have interesting insight about different topics (which I disagree with lol). I’ve been told I’m empathetic and kind and all those things too haha.And every once in awhile I get that I’m funny. (which is cool since I’ve always loved making people laugh and making others happy is what I always strive to do)

10. What style do you usually sport clothes-wise?

mmm, that depends. I love dresses and skirts and girly clothes, but I also love the simple jeans and graphic t-shirt. and then there are days wear I just want to look all boyish and wear baggy pants and oversize shirts. My style is pretty non-existent haha.

11. If you could have a mountain of any food right now, what would it be?

lol! uhh chocolate probably, haha I’m always craving chocolate. I wouldn’t eat an entire mountain of it in one sitting of course though, but it would be nice to have a stash whenever I want some! XD

my own questions:

1. Are there any new hobbies or new skills you want to try/learn?

I’d like to learn violin again as well as get back into photography!

2. Do you believe in anything supernatural? (if you have stories please share, I find them fun to read)

I do lol, it seems no one I tagged does though, which is understandable. I believe in ghosts and aliens (though there is no doubt in my mind aliens exist, I don’t believe any have come to earth. The universe is just so huge there has to be another planet with life on it) I sadly don’t have any stories though.

3. What’s your favourite historical era and why?

I LOVE medieval times. The atmosphere is super cool and it was always my favourite unit in history class in grade school (in highschool when I took an ancient history course we didn’t have time for that unit and it made me mad lol) But I just love history in general so much! It’s so cool to learn about and talk about!! (This is why I’m going to write a time traveling story, since I get to do research about different era’s for it!)

4. What is one of the strangest conversations you’ve ever had?

hmm, this was like, weird for a couple reasons. This was waay back when I was in 9th grade and my friend was in 8th, so I’d go to her school after my school was done and wait for her sometimes. So at one point I was waiting in front of her class and this boy (who I’ve spoken to many times before and he was always fine then) Started asking me “do you like fairy of tails?” over and over and I was so confused what he meant so I asked him “sorry, fairy, of tails????” and he just....rolled away lol. The entire conversations he was rolling around on the walls, flip flopping from one to the other in the hall and then just rolled into his class room.

I later realized he meant the anime fairy tail, which he already knew I liked and cosplayed from so....idk what was going on with him that day. XD

5. Any inside jokes (not with me, just in general)?

‘Imagine this!’ *pretends to open cupboard*  (this one is with rieko lol, it would make no sense to anyone but us) 

6. What quote do you say the most?

the wombo quote from spongebob as well as various other spongebob quotes.

 ‘HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! AND HE BETRAYED THEM!...HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!’ from harry potter, I say that all the time lol

7. If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

teleportation since that would be so convenient and I could go all over the world for significantly cheaper.

8. Favourite British drama, Korean drama and/or American drama?

British drama: ‘Merlin’

Korean Drama: ‘Good Doctor’ or ‘Hello My Twenties’

American drama: if ‘Stranger Things’ counts then that, if not ‘Once Upon a Time’, the older seasons.

9. Have you ever been in a situation that felt like you were in a movie?

All the time lol. I feel really surreal a lot. There was one time where me and my friend were walking at this park that had a farm on one side and forest with swings and slides and all that on the other (it wasn’t a super dense forest or anything, it was pretty open). We were walking at night and as the forest area came in view we saw a ton of lanterns lighting it up, some were on the ground and some were in the trees. It was weird because the day before there was nothing there. I promptly decided to do what anyone would do and force my friend to go into the forest of lanterns with me. My memories are all mixed up because for some reason I remember it being pitch black in the forest even though there were lanterns.....but anyways, eventually I saw a flashlight, I couldn’t see who was holding it but I could tell someone was coming towards us. I looked at my friend who desperately wanted to leave and I for some reason was feeling brave and wanted to talk to the person (I have no idea what compelled me to, I normally am not like that) When I turned back there was a second flashlight and then my bravery just drained and me and my friend just ran out of there. Next to the forest on the exit we took was a school so we stood in front of the school and then we heard a little girls voice say ‘what are you doing?’ and my friend screamed at the top of her lungs and scared the poor kid who went back inside the school and I laughed so hard and then we went home. lol, it felt like a horror movie but at the same time it was so fun! oh, and then the next day we went back and almost all the lanterns were gone.

10. Any funny things you did as a kid?

I also had elaborate plots for my toys. And I thought grilled cheese was girl cheese and only girls could eat it. I also truly believes ‘stupid’ was the s word. lol. Oh, and I had an obsession with toads when I was little and there were a ton in my neighborhood at the time so I would catch toads a lot.

11. Something you’re looking forward to?

when rieko is less busy and we can hang out and film and all that again lol. (even though was just went skating last week XD)  Also, I’m looking forward to the distant future when I have money and can pay to go to upcoming cons!!

[ritta1310]

would you mind telling me more about each character of your ocs? im sorry i keep asking questions haha i just love them

Don’t apologize! I’m more than happy to tell you that. I’m even going to do a super pretty super LONG answer about it! I’m so happy you like them this much. Thank you so much

Samuel Avila

So Sam is an actually dork. He’s parents are immigrant doctors and he has a little sister he literally adores. His major personality traits are

Really kind, wouldn’t harm a soul

Very oblivious to things arround him

Very smart and like studying expecially science and physics (dislikes PE)

He cares a lot about what other people think and can be influentiated by them (to a certain limit of course, never crossing what he belives in, except for that time with Ivy that is why he will forever feel gilty about it)

Really pridfull and stubburn.

Fails to see the good in him but can easily find good in others

Sam’s best friend is Logan with whom he spends most of his days, but he’s also really close friends with Charlotte and Evan.

He love sci-fi weather in movies or books, but he hides that away because he’s afraid of being cast out. Although he care about others opinions he would kill for is friends and defend them till the end (at least the 17 yo version of him that learned from his mistakes)

He kinda says the wrong thing at the wrong time too often, and can be kind of obsessed about how he’s hair looks.

Ivy Allan

Ivy is the most dedicated person ever, she is very ambitious (indeed a slytherin) and works very hard to obtain her goals. Her parents are divorced and she is an only child. She has a good relationship with both but she’s really close to her aunt. They all work in the finance business and are fairly wealthy. Ivy has always been interested in Law or Mangement for a career.

Her main personality traits are:

She is that sort of person that pretends to be untouchable and unbreakable but kind of is a cinnamon roll (like no one can see Ivy cry, she things she must not show weakness)

She pretends to ceptic and indiferent to love but she is full of it and wants to create long lasting relationships both romantic and platonic.

Truely the mom friend and can be very very subburn and pridefull (something she definatly has in common with Sam unfortunatly)

She stresses very easily because she’s a profectionist but when it’s time to chill it’s time to chill

Very strict high morals. 

She doesn’t break the rules (almost never) but she loves to goof arround in a even sort of childish manner. She’s that person who knows 5000 dumb youtube videos only she finds funny

Her best friends are Emma and Aubrey, but she also gets along with Alice from time to time. She loves to travel and wants to see the world. Definatly addicted to chocolate and gummy bears. If she’s stressed she’ll eat candy, if she’s happy she’ll eat candy, if she’s sad… well you get the point

She is kind of popular arround St James. She is like a mom to everyone and since it’s a boarding school, sometimes all people need is a mom and she definitely fills in the roll. But her too needs to feel love and support from the ones most important to her.

Logan Carter

Logan is of korean and american descendence. His mom still works in korea as a famous plastic surgeon and his Dad travels from a lot from place to place as renowned photogropher. Also and only child and he’s not very close to either of his parents that although still married don’t see eachother that often.

His personality mostly consists of:

Terribly shy to girls which is ironic since he is kind of the school’s icon and titled “hottest guy”. The funny thing is girls interpert this as mysterious and closed but he’s actually just kind of afraid of them for some reason.

He’s super dramatic. If something happens it’s certainly devine intervention sending him messages

Logan is very atheletic and is enrolled in both basket ball and football (i refuse to say soccer) teams.

He’s not that good at studying, and kind of wants to be a professional player but his parents are very oposed to it.

He has a lot of guy friends and he’s that friend that everyone likes. He’s very pure and simple but really a kind soul.

He became best friends with Sam after he tried out for the football team (to impress Ivy) in the 9th grade and failed miserably.

He dated Alice for a very short period of time. His family and Alice’s had known eachother for a long time and he always had a crush on her but him being afraid of talking to girls never actually did anything. Alice liked him but she soon found out that they weren’t definitely weren’t a good match and broke up with him.

Being the drama queen he is he refuses to belive it’s the end of the line and she will realise that they are meant for each other. He somehow got Emma to help him along the way. Because she doesn’t seam to have any romantic interest in him he started talking to her (stuttering a bit). Against all odds he started to feel something for Emma beacuse she is strong and badass and mysterious and somehow makes him feel safe and happy but he refuses to accept those feelings because he still wants to hold on to the belief that he and Alice are soulmates.

Emma Jain

Emma comes from a very rich indian family. She has 3 sisters and has sort of a bumpy relationship with her parents ever since she came out as bisexual. She stoped going back to india on school vacations and lives with an uncle in Glasgow. She wants to be a surgeon and studies a lot in order to get in a top med school in de US after graduating.

She is:

Very confident of herself most of the time and really isn’t afraid to show it. 

She kind of lacks tact and could be described as cold sometimes but she’s just unaware most of the times

Is very loyal to the people she loves and just like most of the things she belives, she’s not afraid to show it

She likes reading and she is very observant and inteligent

Although she looks like the person who can be sort of a rebel she is very competent and never breaks the rules or jumps into uncalculated risks

She can be judgemental and it’s a bit hard to change her mind once she settles for an idea or thought. But she can admit she is wrong just as easily as she admits she’s right

Emma used to be sort of on the “mean girls” group but she never really relised it. She always hung out with the same group of girls ever since she was little so she always took them as friends. But once in 8th grade she found Ivy crying in the library due to some rumors that her “friends” where spreading, so she cut all ties with them and started to take an interest in Ivy observing her from afar

In that period she saw how hard working and gentle she was and fell in love with her. They started talking and became friends. Soon after becoming Ivy’s closest friend, Ivy told Emma the reason why she hated Sam so much, and since Emma is very smart she realised that in fact they were in love with each other but where to pridefull to admit it.

Slowly she let go of Ivy and only friendship and a very strong bond remained,

She didn’t get along with a lot of people just Aubrey and Ivy and she didn’t really trust boys, because she was always very beautiful, she was tired of always getting treted the same way by them, but after an incident where she accidentaly saw Logan having to turn down a girl and later confessing to Sam that it was the hardest thing ever but he was still in love with Alice, she saw how his intentions were pure and decided to befriend him too

Little by little Emma became more and more interested in Logan and liked how his presence kind of stired her life and made her laugh and began slowly falling for him without realizing.

Charlotte Williams 

Charlotte is the granddoughter of a teacher at St. James. So she is middle class but due to her connection she was able to get into the academy. She has 1 older brother and her parents are divorced. She lives with her dad in Bristol and wants to be a chemical enjineer.

Forward and strong with her ideas and thoughts

Loves food of any sort except eggs. She hates them

She is not very open about her feelings even to the ones closest to her.

She is assexual and really doesn’t give a single shit about having a romantic relationship

She is that sort of person that when she speaks or gives a presentation she gets people’s attention and just naturally people are drawn to her carefree personality

Charlotte has a couple of friends one of her closest is Sam and she’s getting along with Logan and Alice too.

She likes comics and mangas/animes. She is sort of a fangirl and kind of loves doing what she isn’t suposed to.

Aubrey Rose

Aubrey comes from a very rich family and she is the yougest of 2 boys. Her parents are important lawyers and they spare no expences when it comes to her, and she loves it. Aubrey doesn’t really feel like she belongs in St. James Academy. She doesn’t really like studying and isn’t particularly good at it she would really like to be a professional make up artist or hairstylist but she doesn’t have the guts to tell that to her parents

She is very optimistic and is that friend that when you feel down or need support, she comes running and with everything you may want and need

She belives that there is more to life than what we know and belives is souls, auras reencarnation, spells and all that. And even learned how to read tarot cards.

Aubrey doesn’t really care about where you came from or that you did bad things in the past she loves people as they are

Her mood is actually her biggest problem, she can get annoyed at people when they don’t do what they want and kind of assumes that everyone is as rich as her being a bit naive when it comes to the “real” actual worls arround her

Aubrey only came to St.James in the beggining of hight school since she was studying in another school but her parents decided to change schools because they weren’t happy with the teaching methods.

She was shown arround by the prefects (Sam and Ivy) and after seeing how pure Ivy’s aura was she decided she wanted to become her friend and so she did. 

She also became friends with Emma and Evan and pretty much anyone who was willing to put up with her eccentricities. At first she had a bumpy relationship with Emma but they eventually understood eachother and also became best friends.

Vampire and werewolf novels are definetely Aubrey’s favourit thing. For her the twillight fase never ended and she loves anything that has to do with hot guys mysthical creatures swearing that she would only ever date a vampire or a werewolf since they were clearly superior to the average boy

Evan Smith

Alice and Evan are twins sons of a very important politician and they are too very wealthy. They live in London and have a big mansion including horses and dogs (by far the wealthiest of all my oc’s)

Evan really likes his dogs and cat’s and pretty much any animal so he either wants to be a vet or a painter (because he loves to paint)

He is very shy and he trys to appear cold and distant in order to mask that

Sarcasm is definitely his common way of speakinga and he is not very open about his feelings either. Although he and his sister are very close and he can easily open up to her

He is also a bit of a nerd himself and likes all sorts of books and games and animes.

Even found out he was gay after he realized he had feelings for Sam, one of his closest friends. Although already came out to his friends, he still hasn’t told his family and no one knows that he likes Sam besides Alice.

Evan really values Sam’s friendship and is really afraid of losing that, and also like most people he still doesn’t have the confirmation that Sam is in love with Ivy but deep down he knows slthough he keeps denying that to himself. This lead him to be terribly jealous of Ivy.

Alice Smith

Alice wants to get into politics like her dad and she is already really good at it, kind of rulling she school underground and without anyone realizing.

She is very very preceptive and can read people very easily. Being also fairly good and manipulating and getting information out of other (although she never uses is for anything bad, mostly for the sheer amusement of knowing or feeling in control or sometimes to defend those who need most)

Alice looks like the little princess in a pink dress and she always felt like she was more than that. That way she knows everything, every secret there is to know about the people arround her

She also knows a lot about many fields such as law, and economics

She can get away with breaking the rules because she is so cute and harmless so she does it many times.

She is cheerfull 90% of the time but if you mess with her or her brother she can destroy you with her knowlege and mind games.

Alice is friends with pretty much half the school. And althogh in the beging Ivy and Alice kind of disliked each other after talking and getting to know eachother they began trusting eachother and became friends. She does not really want a romantic relationship until she feels ready and even though Logan was someone she liked she just didn’t feel like she wanted to be in a relationship and pretty much stuck with platonic relationships for the next years.

And that is it, a detailed full on report on my babies. Sorry if i went on a bit too much but, i felt like either i told the whole thing or i just gave up bits and pieces every time so here is like an Ecyclopedia on the thing ahah

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

crappy melodramatic poems I wrote as a young teen and just rediscovered

(I estimate these were written in 8th and 9th grades).

1.

Some people walk in their sleep But that’s really not for me Instead I put up these walls Built them up tall and strong In a circle around me I can’t really say when Or just where they are But I woke up one day In a fortress of invisible walls. I peer out of my battlements Day by day; And I see you all there, Living your lives. You look nice I want to know you But somehow I made it So you can’t get in And I can’t come out I want to knock down the walls But not knowing what they’re made of, Or why I built them, I’m trapped.

2. My Sunshine

A murky stream Flowing through the forest The hikers, marching on Pass it by An average girl Making her way Her peers, seeing her Pass her by They say it’s too muddy The waters clouded Nothing special, boring They pass it by

The say she’s too sad Hardly a word or smile Intelligent but plain, boring They pass her by

The rain pours down The sun comes out Dimond light hits the stream The waters sparkle

She’s not doing so great Til he enters the room He lights up her life She returns his blinding grin

The rays on the water Sparkle liquid crystal Rainbows dance, water trembles The sun sees the worth in the stream.

She can’t stop being happy Her eyes sparkle with life He talks to her, she laughs with him He brings out the joy inside her.

Dear one, I love you You’re the sun to my river I can’t stop the flow of jubilation When your lovely eyes illuminate my soul.

[5 more lines coded in Tolkien runes, which I no longer remember how to read.]

3.

Damn me That my happiness should rest on so thin a blade That it should rest on so small a thing Ha, but can I make such a claim? My thoughts consumed The daylight filled The night’s rest overflowing All with thoughts of you, my dear. So - such a small thing after all? Yet what fate has given me - this shyness A pest I call it and yet again I understate For ‘tis but this so-called pest that ruins me - Were it gone I would speak to you And without need of pretense Yet now, pretense is called for but no longer do I see it. Am I blinded now by the shadow of fear, Of doubt that I shall speak to you enough to fill desire’s barest need? Or truly will there be no excuse for conversation? The answer I cannot see as of yet But know, dear one, that you are that glowing sun That sets my happiness joyfully aflame.

4. 

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

When you were new I extended my hand In friendship And this hand you gladly took In friendship

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

You taught me to love My greatest obsession But is that all our friendship Was meant to do in this world?

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

For two whole years I found kindness and laughter In your friendship Two whole years I found solace When pain came knocking

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

I never changed my ways Until I found music And then all I did was listen But you said that couldn’t be

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

You fell into stony silence But still my laughter went on You’d get over it, I knew And none of my other friends were gone.

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

Two weeks you kept your vigil But you hurt no one but yourself Because I had my friends While you had naught

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

Finally a sentence you did speak To ask a simple question of me Not a single apology did you give But that’s always been your way -  “Forget” and forgive.

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

I must admit I did lose my cool I blew up and told My thoughts to you And you didn’t like that Not at all So you turned back into That silent stone wall.

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

About a week later Your silence forgotten again You spoke, as in the old days And I was glad to listen

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

But I still wasn’t good enough Not good enough for you Just because I still listened to my music Though I still happily spoke to you So you went away again And this silence you would keep Until your sunk down Down to the deeps.

You have sunken so low So low, so low Like a breached boat But you’re the one Who made the hole

You found new friends To sit with at lunch You stayed far away From our old happy bunch But thought I was annoyed I didn’t care that much

But now you’ve sunken To an all-time low Writing your poem So that everyone can know How “horrible” I am Thought what the heck I did so bad I really don’t know.

You have sunken so low So low, so low.

[daughterofdescartes]

Why my first ‘situationship’ was doomed from the beginning: a personal Romeo & Juliet story

LONG BUT NECESSARY INTRODUCTION

Ah, failed ‘relationships’. It happens to the best of us. It always ends with hurt feelings, you know, because life is programmed to make us all suffer, since nobody knows why we’re here on this planet anyway! I’m turning 20 in December, and am getting over my very first “special someone” *sighs and looks into the distance*... I’m just kidding he wasn’t that special, just happened to be the first dude I had a “thing” with, that’s all. Even though he’s not that special, the experience I went through involving this guy is what changed my life. Yup, I just said that. Sounds hella dramatic, but i’m literally a changed woman. It was a spiritual journey from beginning to end. 90% of the people who know me don’t even know this happened to me. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself very lucky! Or not, this is going to be really long and I don’t know how interesting I can make this, but stay with me, you guys...

If you want to know what happened, I can tell you this story very shortly without any of the details, and it will just seem like a very dumb story between two youngsters who both didn’t know what they were doing, like my own modern twist on Romeo and Juliet lol. 

TLDR: I met an emotionally unavailable American guy on a dating app, we talked for a week and then we told each other that we liked one another. After another week, I got very overwhelmed and said that we need to take a break. A month had passed and we started talking again. I got immensely insecure because at this period i was the only one texting first. Confronted him with my insecurities many many times. We still talked for a time span of around 3 months. Right now we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks and I have honestly accepted that this whole situation was doomed to fail from the beginning and am reborn as a new person.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m very heartbroken at all. But this whole experience did tamper with me psychologically, so it’s not like I have no healing to do or anything. I went through a lot of emotional suffering, never truly understanding where it was coming from, but during my evening walk with my dog, a light bulb lit up above my head... (a sockhop beneath my bed, press like if u get the ref xd)

Just so you guys know, this McGuy still haunts my mind everyday. Not all the time, but the thought of him or what has happened, will cross me at least once a day. With this experience being very ‘spiritual’ and all, I have been thinking, a lot. I know, very deep of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a person and why I am the way I am and suddenly... it all clicked.

I was always thinking about him and his actions, but when I started seeing the bigger picture, aka including myself in the story, it suddenly made a whole lot more sense. It was never really about him, it was about Me. So here’s kind of a prologue talking about my history after this long ass introduction. 

PROLOGUE

In my 19 years of existence I had never before messed with anyone romantically. I always just crushed on people, not knowing if any feelings were reciprocated, not knowing if there were any secret admirers (doubt it). I’m not ignorant of the reasons why i’ve been celibate my whole life. I know that i’m kind of shy, pretty insecure, look unapproachable as fuck, not a 10 out of 10 according to society’s standards, etc. 

I used to have a harder time coping with the fact that I had never once experienced mutual ‘romantic love’, but when years and years pass by, you just realize that being a celibate teenager is okay. Although I was okay with it, I still had my moments of frustrations. “What’s wrong with me? Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” But always got myself back on my feet again, telling myself I’m fine and just need to be patient. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time! What’s the rush? Even if majority of your friends already had their first kiss in 9th grade; it’s no big deal, right? You just gotta keep yourself busy with other teenager things like, procrastinating school work, being angsty and rebelling against your parents, spending time on the interwebs and whatever else the teenz do.

So, I kept myself busy throughout middle school and high school, had at least one crush every year, because ya girl gets bored sometimes. Most of them weren’t that meaningful, since I kind of suck at talking to guys in general, because I think they’re aliens. So, I never really got to know most of my crushes as people. It was still a fun time regardless, because who cares about rejection, if you just keep it a secret forever? Except for this one dude I obsessively crushed on for 6 years (while simultaneously crushing on other people, wow multitasking Queen), and Young 14 Year Ol’ Me thought it was a very good idea to tell All my Friends in 8th-9th grade, because 14-15 year olds are so trustworthy and won’t tell anyone, right? I’m pretty sure that guy knows how much I liked him and is kind of creeped out, but 14 year old me was just very excited and infatuated.

Anyways, I graduated high school with ok results and 0 romantic experience! Now this is where life Really Begins!!!!! Time for UNIVERSITY!!! *crowd cheering* 

I’ve always been a creative, artistic soul, though I think that quality is diminishing more and more every year, or maybe I’m just imagining it. Nonetheless, I didn’t Really know what I wanted to study, but have always considered architecture an option because of its creative side. 

Boy. 

Most tiring semester of my life. You only understand once you experience the archilife. I once pooped and when I was done, I stood up and looked back, I literally was astonished at the sight of my own feces, because I had literally forgotten that I had pooped, that was how tired I was. If you are grossed out right now, grow up. We all poop. 

This major is extremely grueling and taxing on both your physical and mental health. If you’re a procrastinator, oh boy, now that’s adding fuel to the fire. I kept procrastinating finishing/starting my preparation for the final big presentation and ultimately had a big mental breakdown, and decided that I wanted to quit architecture. It was never my passion anyway, and this is one of the majors you must be passionate about, or else you won’t make it out alive unless you’re a masochist. 

What comes next after architecture? Sinology aka Chinese studies. I only grew up speaking Shanghainese, so mastering the Mandarin language is something that I have literally always wanted. I was always insecure about my Mandarin skills, so let’s just do that lol. 

No matter how awful architecture school might’ve been, I still met some cool people that I really clicked with. (I’m talking like people you can count on one hand, I’m not that social, okay) Which I was really happy about, because I was scared I wasn’t going to have any friends, because I kind of suck at making them. 

Changing majors was a big shift, suddenly I was all by myself again and had to go through the whole making friends progress again, schucks. 

The architecture campus is in Brussels, while the campus for linguistics is in Leuven. Brussels is a lot more diverse, I would say, so there are less white Belgians. 

Let me tell you something about white Belgians, they are horrible at socializing. Especially the province I live in. They’re horrible. I’m also horrible. Conclusion? Making friends in a predominantly Belgian white class, was freaking hard! BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!! THEY JUST LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE BITCH!!!! OR TALKING TO THEIR OWN CLIQUE BEING BORING STAYING IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE!!!! Why do new kids in American movies get so much attention, but the two times I’ve been the new kid literally no one cares. That’s the sad reality of life. I mean Hello? If y’all are not gonna make effort to become friends with me? Are you trying to say? That I have to do the work? Bitch? 

So a month had passed, and I still had no friends, it was pretty darn lonely, but I was getting there slowly. But here’s a funny thing! On one of these lonely nights, I was watching a youtube video and it was sponsored by GUESS WHAT? a dating app! WOW... Now here’s where The Story beginz..

CHAPTER 1: INCOMING

So ya bitch was entertaining herself on YewChewb, I was watching some video from some Chinese American guy, and in this glorious video, he is advertising this dating app called EastMeetEast... Yeah, it’s a dating app where Asian people meet each other. Me, a bored lonely dumbass bitch, was like okay, let’s see what this is about. This should be Funny!!! So I made a profile, with some catfishy pictures of myself, you know, take her swimming on the first date and all that shit. So, I match with a few guys okay fun, (you could only match with, only girls or only guys) And this dodgy app requires men to pay for the app so that they can message with girls, because if you use it for free, they can’t see girls’ messages or something weird? Mind you, girls can see and send messages for free. We love this reverse sexism!

Also, this app isn’t very popular in Belgium, mainly American people use it, so ya. I mainly matched with Asian Americans. 

Turning-point, The Life-Changing Encounter of Death: I match with a 19 year old with the initial A. We’ll call him A for the rest of the story, like some fun little mystery like in Pretty Little Liars. (I’ve never watched it) He only had one picture, but he’s cute. Half Italian, half Chinese. Ok, fun. So shortly after matching he sends me this message on the app: “if you want to talk my username is @_________”. He didn’t really put anything in his bio if i remembered but one thing that was stated on his profile is the HIGH SCHOOL he was in. First red flag. HIGH SCHOOL. First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why the fuck? But ok lonely ol’ me was feeling Adventurous and this matching with people thing was fun. Male validation did not exist to me before this historical day and chatting with a good looking guy was unheard of.

It didn’t really say what social platform the username was for, the platform always get censored because the app just wants you to pay for the app to talk with people, crayzy. But i just assumed i’d find him on instagram, because that’s where everyone’s texting nowadays. I found him and followed him. He followed me back and messaged me, bingo.

We talk for a short while. I said some cringy ass shit I would literally never say to anyone in real life, because a shishter was feeling very Bold that day. I have never said cringier shit than when i was talking to this guy. It wasn’t anything creepy I just complimented his looks and all he said was “thanks, i’ve seen your pics too. very pretty.” Uh? Who talks like this? What kind of dry ass chicken breast are we eating here? He tells me he’s a high school senior and is born in ‘99. Stayed back a year since he migrated from Cuba to Miami. OK, interesting. 

So after shortly introducing ourselves to each other, he suddenly asks if he can have my number? and I was like ??????????????????????????? Why?????????? Forgetting that people actually talk on iMessage, I barely ever do that. But that’s what A meant. I was sceptical but intrigued. 

We talk some more. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and he texts back quickly. This is entertaining. When once again, A asks me a sudden question. “Can I call you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” My head is full of question marks and I start getting sweaty at the thought of having to call a person I barely know. Like I guess this is American culture? Or I just don’t understand calling culture because I have no friends who enjoy calling? But I was like? Calling? That hateful thing my parents force me to do when mailing is not quick enough? Why would you want to do that?

So I’m like, “UH. I DONT KNOW MAN. I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE SO I’M KIND OF NERVOUS LOL. I DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR THIS” (not actually in caps, but this symbolizes my very nervous energy) 

And he replies, “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

We were literally talking as if he was asking me to have sex with him, when it was just about a dumbass call. It’s so funny. 

Whatever, we continue talking. It’s time for me to sleep. He says “Buenanotte Bella” ..... ?????? OK.

Next day comes, we talk again. He once again asks out of the blue if he can call me??? So I say

“Are you really that curious?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

I was curious, so I caved in and let him call me. It was so nervewracking. The only men I interact with on a regular basis in my life are my dad, brother and my dog. 

Boy, the moment I heard that voice say “hey”. That’s the moment I got hypnotized and became a clown for nearly 5 months. I didn’t know you could be this attracted to a voice, but okay. Unfortunately, my voice cannot compare and he did not get hypnotized in return. Wack.

The call wasn’t too bad. It’s cute looking back at it. I couldn’t believe a guy actually wanted to talk to me. That person texting me, was a real human being with a real voice. I was fucking wonderstruck over the fact that a good looking guy was talking to me so I was on cloud 9, Okay? lmao 

So the time difference between A and I is 6 hours right. Most of the time we’d start talking when it was evening in Belgium, so for A it was always in the afternoon. Only he could say good night to me, and I never could to him. This created a pretty big inbalance in the attachment levels imo.

In this chapter (the first 2 weeks) he would always ask me what I was doing. Like that’s not your business sis. I don’t wanna tell you that i’m a loser that’s not doing shit even though she has shit to do??? But apparently he always wanted to see if I was busy or not so he knew he wasn’t disturbing me and so that he could, you guessed it, call me. 

Everyday, we would text each other, and that was fine, until the dreaded question came. “Can I call you?” BITCH WHY DO YOU WANNA CALL SO BADGSJOGJOISGJI I SWEAR. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but there were just factors that made me not like calling very much. (nearing the end i definitely came to hate it)   

1. I don’t want my parents hear me call with a guy (I literally could’ve worn my earbuds I don’t know why I never thought of it... we stan a dumbass bitch)

2. Sometimes there was literally nothing to talk about because we’re foremost still strangers and it was awkward

3. The fact that I wanted to hide this from my parents, made me highly aware of how loud I was speaking and I couldn’t fully express myself, scared that my parents would barge in on me calling.

4. 90% of his jokes flew over my head, they weren’t that funny. I’m sorry, A. I’m funnier. And that’s just tea.

5. EVEN DURING THE CALL when there was nothing to talk about he’d be like “so what’s up wyd” bitch? calling you? I couldn’t concentrate on anything else everytime because I was a nervous wreck.

6. Even if I wanted to do school work, I would push that aside to call him because, I wanted to hear his voice. Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug

7. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE we would even call until 4AM TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING IT WAS SO AWKWARD WHY KILL MY CLOWN ASS. I RUINED MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE FOR THAT DONKEY

Our text conversations were honestly, more fun, because when we were calling, a bitch couldn’t think straight. Our calls were most of the time not that fun I don’t understand why he wanted to call everyday. 

Mind you, the shyer i get, the more monotone I get. So I would react very coldly and in a stiff manner during the calls just saying: “Yeah.”, “Sure.”, “Wow.”, “Ok.” BECAUSE I didn’t have time to think and didn’t know what to say 99% of the time. So a week after getting to know A, during the 64th silence in one of our calls, he says this:

“This is gonna sound really insecure but, do you even like talking to me?”

“Yea.” 

So romantic...... I’m swooning...... Pick me up......

Call ends. It’s almost time for me to sleep, but I’m still thinking about what he said right there, so I text: 

“Would a person really stay up until 4AM calling someone although they don’t like talking to them? Silly” JGOIJGOIDSGJOSIGJOS JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT 

And then he said something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re talking to me because you’re just bored, or there’s something more.Like tell me what you want from me, woman” like??? woman?????? SECOND RED FLAG DONT CALL ME WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATED THAT SO MUCH 

So i was like “idk what do YOU want from me??” And he was like “well” and i was like “i’ll say it too u go first” (lmfao) and then he said

“Honestly I’d like to be romantic with you but, you know, there’s an atlantic ocean between us” and at that moment my heart dropped when I read this text because this might as well have been the smartest point A has ever made in the 4 months of talking to him. He’s right. This humongous distance has slaughtered any budding of any kind of relationship from the very beginning. 

Dude never liked me enough to actually want to initiate a meeting, I don’t blame him. The boy was bored and created an account on a dating app because his friends told him about it. I bet he wasn’t really planning to find an Asian European lover in his last year of high school. 

But who was naive/delusional enough to convince herself that MAYBE these two people who aren’t even that compatible in the first place, could maybe MEET someday and FALL IN LOVE??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the word ‘romantic’ he probably means fuck, i mean do high school boys actually know what romance is uh. The biggest thing that could have developed in under a week is a small little crush. Anyways, i did not realize this properly and took his statement very seriously and thought “Wow a boy just said he likes me WoW, we will make this Love happen No Matter What” I was thrilled. 

Next morning I wake up, I’m a ball of sunshine. A guy 7876768 kilometers far away from me says he likes me. That is so meaningful. Wow.... 

While I was talking to A, I still matched with other dudes on that stupid app out of boredom, but never talked to them because in my maiden’s ♥heart♥ A was still nr. 1, because he just said he likes me WoW. So while messing around on that app, i keep noticing there’s a green dot next to A’s name, meaning he’s active on the app. And i’m like hmm..... ......................

Me, a nosey bitch, said somethign dumb like “oh you’re active on weird hours” and he just said

“yeah, left it open and let my friends mess around with it” 

.................................hmmmmmmmm investigation time even though it’s literally not my place and I am not entitled to any form of commitment at all 

Let’s talk about the biggest red flag of all red flags that I decided to ignore,

A’s instagram account. Let’s talk about it. 

His username does not include his name, there are NO pictures of him in his feed, only posts dank memes and likes his own posts and if you look at the people he’s following, you see something very interesting!

Half of it are instagram accounts of Asian girls... And most of them weren’t even like popular accounts like they were just really freaking random accounts most of the time, and other ones were girls he met on EastMeetEast.

Yup........ I looked at his moderate collection of Asian girls and thought. Wow this makes me uncomfortable, but he said he likes me, and I don’t think anyone else will ever like me so I should stick to him..... I guess!!!

The only redeeming factor of his instagram is that his profile picture is a kitten, I think her name was Eko or something. Don’t let him hurt you, kitty cat. 

So discovering this information, I felt hurt. He said he wants to get ‘romantic’ with me??? Why is he still collecting other Asian girls when clearly, we will fall in love someday? 

To confirm my already confirmed suspicions that he isn’t in love with me, I send my Indonesian best friend on a mission and let her create an account on EastMeetEast. I told her to try match with him. THEY MOTHAFUCKIN MATCHED I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHAFUCKAR AT THE TIME. MIND YOU, I TOLD HIM MY BEST FRIEND IS INDONESIAN, AND HE SEES THAT AN INDONESIAN BELGIAN WANTS TO MATCH WITH HIM, WHEN 10 PEOPLE IN BELGIUM USE THIS APP. JGSIDOGJOSGJOISGJ MEN ARE SO STUPID

Notice the sudden spike of emotional instability and irrationality after he told me he liked me? It’s extremely important actually. At the time, I did not understand what I was going through emotionally. And I think if you’re just casually reading this, you might be wondering what was wrong with me too. Thank you for worrying about my wellbeing, you are a better person than A. 

So increasingly, I get more and more nervous concerning literally everything that is not pointing towards the direction that he is in fact in love with me, after one week. That’s 7 days, if you will. 

I myself was also questioning my sanity throughout this whole process, because I never thought I would go that far. I talked about other guys to see if he would get jealous. (I don’t really think he cared lmao), constantly checked his activity on instagram (he just likes dank memes about fucking girls or something, what a chad)

Week 2 chimes in, I can tell he still ‘likes’ me, talks about stuff that happens in his American high school life, boasts about literally anything possible to make himself look good, jokes around, some intellectual conversations here and there between a weirdo horny for Asian girls and the most hopeless romantic to have existed.

I was watching a very stupid Belgian reality show, reminiscent of ‘Jersey Shore’ or ‘Ex on the Beach’ that kind of stuff. And I touched on the topic that, men cheating on women is highly popularized in media, and i said that women probs cheat just as much but are better at hiding it,

and he said, “Ha, I would know about that” 

And I was like aw, I’m sorry. He talked about the fact that he had many failed relationships, most of the girls breaking up with him, if I remember correctly and eventually I got curious over the amount of partners he’s had in his 18 years of being alive, so I asked about it.

And he says “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of that stuff” 

??????????????????????????????????? ???????????,

My heart started racing at this point. I was like “What do you mean?” 

A says, “I just don’t count that stuff” And in my mind, my inexperienced maiden’s mind could not comprehend that you could be with so many people at such a young age that you lose track of the number? Actually, you know what, anyone with a healthy mind will find this hard to comprehend, i’m not the crazy one here in this case. Like I look at his instagram, and look at what he says and it doesn’t add up LMAO. Also he kind of fucking sucks at communicating how did he manage to cop that much pussy? 

I kept asking for a number and he just keeps saying “I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter right? I don’t keep track of that stuff.” But I was just so fucking pressed like? WHAT????? HOW CAN YOU LET SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL THAT YOU CAN’T COUNT THEM. YOURE 18, IS THIS AMERICA????? IS THIS WHAT CHILDISH WAS RAPPING ABOUT?????? 

I was pissed because he just kept refusing to even give a rough estimate, I’m a capricorn we love em statistics (idk what i’m saying)

So I was angry and gave him short answers. Guess what he sends,

“Call?” 

I say, “No” 

Iconic.

But a few minutes later I give in??? I DON’T KNOW WHY???? LMAOO and we call but it was This Very Last Call that Killed Me

 The Call of Death

Call starts. I’m still pissed about the whole thing and he goes,

“So... what’s the beef with my romantic past?” 

And I say I just really wanted a number because I wanted to at least have an estimate to have something to grasp onto???? fuck so he’s still very irky about it, doesn’t wanna talk about it, MAYBE BECAUSE HE LIED???? BITCH?????

He says “idk maybe over 20″ ...........????? that’s a larger number than his own age and if you do the math he would have had his first serious girlfriend at 12 years old he would have to have had at least 3 to 4 girlfriends every year....??? is this Floridian culture? Is that normal?  Is he talking about anime girlfriends in dating sim games???? 

So this whole topic just upset me like no other, it confused me, I mean what the fuck is he talking about JGOIIJGOISDJGOSDJGOISJG

It got pretty quiet. When A suddenly says 

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, we don’t have to” 

“Hm. Maybe I don’t”

“Ok.”

The whole call goes dead fucking silent for like more than 10 minutes or something. I was just lying in my bed, scrolling on my phone, trying not to breathe, so the mic can’t catch any sound and I am internally dying. 

The silence felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t have the guts to end the call. But i said something dumb to break the silence because I couldn’t take it anymore. Idk what I said.

Not too long after breaking the silence, it was so fucking awkward i don’t even know what we were talking about. Clearly, I’m traumatized and my brain is protecting me from whatever happened that night, which I’m thankful for.  

So, not too long after breaking the silence, A says very abruptly, something along the lines of, “I’m home now, bye.” and ends the call. ?????????????

To add to the context, he would mostly go on walks during our calls, what a fit Chad. He really spent some evening walks, just calling me, climbing trees, stealing furniture, talking about literally nothing, that’s so iconic.........  

Anyways that felt absolutely terrible, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, fuck. 

I woke up the next morning feeling just as horrible, not exactly sure why but the previous night had upset me severely. Throughout this whole day I was questioning my sanity, the ‘relationship’ jodsigjosgj, and also wondering, who the fuck is this dude i’m talking to? 

Realizing how much each and every word and action affected me mentally, I felt that I was losing control.

My inner thoughts: This guy is a freaking weirdo. He said he likes me, but then does all these things I do not approve of. I started liking him without really getting to know him and now I face the consequences! We should stop talking for the sake of my own sanity!!!

I’ve been talking about A to two of my close friends, they both roasted him and said I need to leave him, since he’s making me feel miserable with these extreme highs and lows.

That day, I decided A and I should stop talking. This way, I won’t feel the way I feel anymore. Actually felt pretty conflicted, because at this point, I had already grown attached to A. He helped me fill my loneliness when I didn’t have any friends yet in my new major and despite all the red flags, I still wanted to see the good in him. I mean, he said he likes me??? Can’t let that pass!!!!!

I confronted A and asked if he was angry during our last call with the long silence and all. 

He says, “No, I was just joking around” 

????????????????? Idk how dense I really am? But that atmosphere felt heavy and both of us weren’t laughing so I don’t know where the hell he’s coming from LMFAO. But anyways, I tell him what happened last night really upset me for some reason and that maybe we should stop talking, because talking to him everyday had taken an emotional toll on me. 

A says, “Ok, if cutting me off is what you really want, then do so” 

A keeps typing, then stops, keeps typing, then stops. 

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong, so that I know what to do next time when I land in a situation like this again?” 

I didn’t know what he did wrong either. He was just being himself, I guess. 

I say, “You didn’t do anything. I just don’t think talking to you is doing any good to me. It shouldn’t interfere this strongly with my daily life, but it is.”

He said he understands, and that we should part ways, if that’s what’s best for me. 

I say, “I wonder why I’m having a harder time saying goodbye than you are”

A says, “Believe me, it’s very hard for me too” 

Behind my screen, I started crying? How did I get so attached to somebody I barely knew? I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. 

I wanted to hold onto him for dear life. From the moment A said he liked me, my mind took off to fantasyland. I got so excited about this mutual liking, that my mind overlooked the realism of this whole situation. I was so attached to the idea of someone liking me and the embellishments of romantic love, that I completely malfunctioned when confronted with reality, when my expectations of a perfect love weren’t met. 

Because I didn’t want to let go of that concept of love, I didn’t want to let go of A. Who knows when the next person will like me? It took me 19 years to get my first one? Was my logic lmfao. fuck. 

I said, “Maybe I just need some time to sort myself out. We’ll talk again someday.” I could not let him go, not because I even liked him all that much, but because of the sheer reason that he said he liked me. 

A said, “Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. But please don’t cry.”

In this last conversation before the ‘break’, A was oddly enough very sweet to me, which felt horrible. This is the most vulnerable, genuine side I had ever seen of A in the 5 months of knowing him. I wanted to continue talking, but I already said we should stop talking so I was too ashamed to go back on my words GJOIDSJGOSIGJS

We wished each other the best of luck and said our goodbyes.

I said, “Talk to you later, one day”

“I know. Goodbye.” A said, thinking this was our last conversation, because he didn’t think I would actually hit him up a month later. Lol.

CHAPTER 2: ON HOLD

I still have never been in a relationship, but what I felt the next morning, is what I imagine what half of a break up must feel like. I felt empty and wanted to text him almost immediately. 

Yes, ya girl listened to sad songs and she was bawling her eyes out. Jeez. Give me a break. 

Lunchtime came around. I looked out the window as it was snowing. I wanted to take a picture and show him, since it doesn’t snow in Miami, fuck please what the fuck. BUT i couldn’t do any of that because I had already said we’re taking a break, wow. 

I start tearing up and my mom looks worried. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” The feeling of eating and crying at the same time is horrible. My mom doesn’t ask me anything further and I just keep sulking for the rest of the day. For the rest of the freaking month. 

Holding back the urge to talk to him that day was extremely difficult, but imagine how ridiculous I would have looked if sis gave up in less than a day, so that held me back LMAO. 

On some days A wasn’t even on my mind and I was living just fine. 

On some nights A was all I could think about. 

I kept thinking about when I should contact him. After my exams? That’s too long. That’s like 2 to 3 months, he’s over me by then! But if I talk to him before my exams, how will that affect my studies? The struggle was real. 

 I wanted this break to calm my feelings and for me to get back on my feet. That didn’t happen. I was still obsessed with the idea of what it must be like to be with someone. And for some odd fucking reason I thought I could make that a reality with A LMAOOOOOOO STOP

I thought, the longer I wait, the bigger the chance he’d no longer be interested in me. That thought was absolutely terrifying to me. I had to talk to him by the end of the month, or else I could not salvage This True Love.

CHAPTER 3: KIKI

We’re nearing the end guys, stay with me. It’s gonna be very anticlimactic, so stay tuned! 

So after a month of anguish and yearning I send him a text. I couldn’t even wait until I got home. I did it while i was on the bus with 4G, um calm down binch???

We start talking again, but for some reason things just felt different to me. I expected things to be different. I wanted to go back to the euphoric point of when we told each other we liked each other or back to him comforting me in our ‘last moments’ before I momentarily cut him off. 

The next day, and the day after, and the day after that, I kept waiting for A to text me first, but he never did. I had to text him first for 4 consecutive days. Is this a bad sign? Did he not like me anymore? He hadn’t even asked if he could call me, which I didn’t really want to do anyway, but at least it meant that he liked me, right? He’d always text back, though. And our conversations were moderately fun. So I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had to know what was going on in his mind. Does he still like me the way he used to?

These 3 months I was constantly very vulnerable, emotionally unstable and very very insecure, once again finding it hard to grasp what I was going through mentally. For tackling these problems, I always went for the approach of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, I really don’t know if this was the best tactic, but at least I got everything off my chest and didn’t hold anything in.

“Why haven’t you been texting me first?” 

“Honest to god, I’m just really busy lately. If you want to talk, just talk to me. If you’re bothered with anything, don’t deal with it by yourself. I’m here to listen.” A told me he was preparing for his finals. I once again made a clown of myself. 

But how busy was he really? He still liked his dumbass memes on instagram, continued following Asian girls, why couldn’t he make time for me? Didn’t he like me?  

It dawned on me that I wasn’t on his priority list. And it made sense. Seniors are pretty busy and need to worry about applying for college. Which senior in their right mind would be looking for love? Who was I in his world? Just a part of his collection of Asian girlfriends? Sure that’s kind of hurtful, but can we still make ♥~*LOVE*~♥ happen though? My delusional self thought, Yes!!!!!

As time progressed, I got more and more insecure and kept confronting him with my own problems, and A must’ve gotten more and more sick of my bullshit.

At times he’d text me first, but not make the effort to keep the conversation going at all. I always had to bring up something interesting to keep talking or else the convo would’ve just ended with him giving a one word reply like “lmao” 

He asked to call 2 more times, but I said no, feeling slightly traumatized from what the last call did to me lol. Also, I knew if I heard his voice again, that everything would affect me even more. So we never called.

“Can I call you?”

“Why? Do you miss my voice that much?” LMAOOO BYE WHO DO I THINK I AMMMMJSOIGJSOG

“No, I just need my hands to be free, I’m making homework, so calling seemed easier.”

I realized him wanting to call me, wasn’t necessarily because he liked me, it was mostly out of practicality, so that he could multitask and do something else.

 A was sometimes just flat out rude, and he honestly doesn’t care. He was a self-proclaimed Asshole (is that something to be proud of?) and said that he most of the time doesn’t care if he hurts people’s feelings. That’s scary. Why wouldn’t you care about being a good person? Lawful Evil.

Here are some other red flags that still didn’t stop me from backing away:

Racial slurs are a joke to him 

He really enjoys WWII jokes 

Is heavily annoyed by pride month

When I showed him pictures of my dog, he didn’t seem to care at all

He dislikes Ariana Grande 

Despite all these things, I was still attached to A. For what? He didn’t even like me romantically anymore at this point. What kind of rose goggles was I wearing? LOL. At this point i just wanted his attention.

I kept holding onto something that was never even there to begin with. The possibility of  ♥~*LOVE*~♥ ever happening. I failed to realize that everything was doomed from the beginning. I had been alone all my life and the moment I thought somebody could change that I Snapped Lmao. 

1. The distance. For real, who’s actually going to pay that much money to see someone you barely know and barely care for? 

2. A was never really out there looking for anything serious. He’s a high school senior for god’s sake.

3. My unrealistic fantasies of what should have been happening to achieve   ♥~*LOVE*~♥  constantly clashed with my reality. I was constantly busy fantasizing of what could have been that I failed to see things for what they were. I continuously tried to mold the situation into something it wasn’t.

If you think about it for more than 10 seconds and imagine a situation where we would actually meet, I would probably find the nearest cliff to jump off of. Exactly how much embarrassing cringy shit have I said to this man? 

In probably our last meaningful conversation I asked him what he thinks of me, after “knowing” me for around 4 months.

A says, “I think you’re cool, you just need a confidence booster”

He once again, called himself an Asshole and made the point that I actually have a great personality and am really funny and that I just need to realize it. At least he’s aware. I applaud him. He told me things I already knew, but it was still very thought provoking to think about my confidence because it is the root of many of my problems.

Our last conversations felt like I was beating a dead horse. I don’t think any of us care enough anymore. Our situation was dead from the beginning and that’s fine. I’m glad this story has finally come to an end. I wish A would realize being a good person is actually rewarding, but it’s his own choice to change his life for the better. I wish him the best, and I wish myself the best of luck too. He just graduated high school and might just enter a transitional phase like I did lol. Does everyone go through a rebirth in their first year of uni? Maybe it’s just me. Finally this can die. My soul feels a lot lighter. Like in Shugo Chara, how the X-egg becomes a normal egg again and says “Thank You”, that is literally how I feel right now. Wow.  

CHEESY EPILOGUE

This whole thing started because I felt extremely lonely and bored lol.

And that loneliness was amplified with my insecurities + inexperience of never having had any romance in my life? I always tend to blame myself, when really, inherently, there is nothing wrong with me. Things like a first kiss, a first lover or a first date all come at a different time for everyone. I just need to stop being impatient and glorifying my own concept of what  ♥~*LOVE*~♥  is and just enjoy my life for what it is as time flows. 

The thing about my self-esteem is, I am definitely aware of what a great person I am, but I still find it hard to see my worth? Like, I can see it, but I can’t grasp it? I think I tend to magnify and pick at my flaws so strongly that I can no longer believe in my own capabilites... It’s important to be kind to others but we forget that we should also be nice to ourselves.

If I want to make friends and get to know people, I will, and the right people will like me for who I am. 

I must realize that I am more than what I hate about myself and that I am in fact good enough. Validation from the outside world can be nice but it’s still Me who really needs to believe it. (dattebayo)

Human beings are so complicated and we need to take all the time we need to understand ourselves and understand why we feel the way we feel, why we think what we think.

If you have been reading up to this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my experience. Hopefully you learned something too! 

I love you :)

[automatismoateo]

I’m a 17 yr old closeted atheist that has been forced to go to church my whole life... Here’s my story. via /r/atheism

Submitted May 28, 2018 at 10:17AM by michaelhogue (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2KXHdRR) I’m a 17 yr old closeted atheist that has been forced to go to church my whole life... Here’s my story.

It started when I was 6. I remember going down the road with my dad in our truck. Somehow we got on the topic of god, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was all about, even tho I had been around it since I was born.

So naturally as any kid would do, I asked my dad about it. He said something like, “He’s perfect and holy, and people who don’t believe in him will burn for eternity in a place called hell”

Instantly, this stuck out to me. We got back to the house and I just stood in my room thinking about what he said. No kid wants to burn in hell. So what did I do? I walked out in the living room where my parents were and told them I wanted to be saved by jesus. We went in their room, got on our knees by the bed, and they said a prayer for me.

Afterwards, I was back in my room just sitting there, having no idea what it all meant. I picked up a bible and began reading... this is where my story begins.

5 years later -

It’s the 6th grade now, and a lot has changed in my life since that day that I began to believe. I had studied a lot about the Bible, and could generally answer any question someone asked me about it.

There was the occasional “This doesn’t make any sense, so I’m not going to pay any attention to it.” Actually, that happened a lot.

I kept a journal of all the kids in my school I planned on targeting to share the gospel with. Every day I would talk to them at lunch about how they were going to hell if they didn’t change their ways. I even made a twitter account targeting atheists and I would try to debate them. (Needless to say, I ended up deleted twitter from the frustration.)

Also note that I didn’t just go to church every Sunday morning, but I went (and still go) every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening by the choice of my parents. So constantly having god placed back in my head kept me from thinking too much for myself.

2 years later (8th grade) -

Ah, who doesn’t love middle school? (Sarcasm) It’s a time of discovering new things, and you learn that the world isn’t as innocent as it once seemed. People started using all these cool new words like “fuck,” and I wasn’t having any part of that.

I knew that people in my church said that cussing was a huge sin, and that it would anger god. But, it didn’t take very long for me to start coming up with some loopholes. Instead of saying “What the fuck” like everyone else my age was saying, I’d say “dafuq.” To me, that was surely okay cause I wasn’t actually saying the cuss word in the form of F-U-C-K.

Since I was so heavily forced to be involved in religious activities with the church, I didn’t make making friends much of a priority. That is still a huge regret of mine today. (Remember, I was still a solid believer at the time.) I began to look at every person and my school and judge them based on how much they sinned. This kept me away from most people. Which kept me away from most social events.

I was taught that being with friends and having “worldly fun” would make me fall away from god and cause god to be mad at me. I didn’t want god to be mad at me cause I didn’t want to go to hell. This has affected me even to this day, because I simply have too much anxiety to go to a party or even enjoy myself at prom. I will forever hold a scar of feeling like I don’t belong.

Slowly, things were starting to make me more mad. I was losing friends and tried telling myself that the Bible was the solution. This dug me into a deeper hole and a closer bond with my belief.

1 year later (9th grade) -

High school... a completely new world for me. At this time, the world was still evil to me. It was something I couldn’t be a part of. But, nothing could keep the world from reaching out to me.

Around this time, I started meeting more girls. I had never really made dating a priority, because I feared it would take the place of my love for god. But, I had feelings just like anyone else. I’ll never forget one of the first girls I ever really got close to. She wasn’t from the same school as me, so I didn’t know very much about her.

One day, we were talking on the phone when out of nowhere she said, “... do you believe in god?”

And I obviously I said, “uh, yea of course.”

“Oh... that sucks, cause I don’t” she said.

At that moment my face went white. ‘How do I have feelings for someone that doesn’t believe in god’ I thought to myself. It was awful.

That was the moment the emotional roller coaster began. How could someone so nice and normal be an atheist?? I was told my whole life that atheists were evil people who were mean and nasty and just wanted to attack Christians.

I stopped talking to her after that conversation, but nothing would ever make me forget it and the effect it had on me.

—

It didn’t take long for me to start getting curious. I just couldn’t figure out how someone like her was an atheist.

Scrolling through Instagram one day, I came across an account about atheism. I cringed and said, “let’s see what pathetic trash they have on here.”

I looked through every single post. Every picture. Every meme. Every scientific fact... Every comment on every post from every Christian that was debating the atheists. I simply closed the app. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want to think about it.

It all made sense. The actual facts I saw on that account were making me think. From every biblical conflict to every scientifically backed fact about the cosmos.

I began to cry, and soon forgot the things I learned after attending a couple of church services, where a motivational preacher would make me scared of hell yet again, and make me want to forget anything scientific.

—

Later in my freshman year, I met another girl. Instead of having feelings for her, I bonded with her as a friend.

It didn’t take long for me to discover that this friend was an atheist. But, instead of pushing her a way, I decided I would be friends with her and hope that I could convert her to Christianity. (Deep down I wanted to know what her life was like as an atheist.)

We took theatre class together, so we ended up spending a lot of time together. I actually never got around to telling her I was a hardcore Christian.

Eventually, I started hearing her talk to people about why she was so against religion and how harmful it was to society. (Of course I just rolled my eyes and tried to avoid listening.) But after a while, I wanted to hear what she was saying.

Another day went by when I was scrolling through Instagram and came across yet another atheist account. This time, I started doing my own research about the posts I was seeing. It was at this moment, I started realizing that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong all along.

** ( If you’ve never been a fully believing Christian in your life, you don’t understand the painful transition from believer to atheist/agnostic. For the first long while, half of you is trembling from the fear of hell, and the other half is embracing a new world of happiness and freedom. It has got to be one of the most mentally traumatizing transitions that a human can go through ) **

And as it turns out, I actually followed that account. A few hours later, I got a text from that friend saying, “hey, are you an atheist?” And when I opened it, I just sat there speechless...

It must’ve been 10 minutes that I just sat there.

“Yea...” I said. I could barely read my own text from how much I was shaking.

“Oh cool! I am too. I just saw your name on the following list of this one atheist account and thought ‘wow! I didn’t know Michael was an atheist’.”

I didn’t know what to think, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt different. I was scared, excited, happy, and sad all at once.

1 year later (10th grade) -

At this point, I was fully considering myself an atheist, but didn’t want anyone to know. The only person that knew was that friend from theatre.

I later explained to her what happened, and told her that I didn’t want people to know, because my family would basically disowned me. (Just like they did with my brother who came out as gay... haven’t seen him in 8 years.)

She respected that and we kept it a secret.

Life was a lot different at this point. Church wasn’t the same now, it was now something to regret and get mad at because I was forced to go 3 days a week. Every time I went, I realized more and more how indoctrinated I had been my whole life.

There was only one thing that kept (and is keeping) me sane in the midst of these constant fallacies that are shoved down my throat... computers.

Computers unlocked a whole new world for me. It was the one place I felt free and happy. At first, I was just always doing my own research on space and other sciences. My interest in physics and cosmology grew greatly. (The fact that it could take billions of years for light from another galaxy to reach earth just absolutely fascinated me, and reassured my decision to abandon my faith.)

My obsession for computers continued. I started learning how they worked and more importantly— how to code.

One day, I decided I was going to create an iPhone app and put it on the AppStore. This would be a cool side project that would fuel my love for computers and technology, while keeping my mind off of the fact that I had not many friends and people to hang out with.

The idea for my first app was simple. I wanted an app that would give users suggestions of movies to watch on Netflix. Sounds simple and innocent, right? Well apparently not.

It took about 8 months, but with a ton of effort and learning, and a $100 Apple developer’s license, I finally released my beloved app on the AppStore for free. I even had ads on the app so I could make a little money on the side.

This all came crashing down one day, however. I remember coming home from church on a Wednesday afternoon. In the truck, my dad began yelling at me. He said that people in the church were concerned about me, so both my parents decided to have a closer look at my app. They discovered the genre of horror movie suggestions. In their church, they believe horror movies or anything involving witches or wizards are evil and sinful (even the Wizards of Waverly Place.)

They both began screaming at me saying how much of a disappointment I am. I told my dad I would delete the app once we got home and he said, “GOOD. You think I care? I don’t feel bad for you at all.” So that’s what I did. As soon as we got home, I ran inside, got on the Apple developed portal, and sent the signal for my app filled with months of sleepless nights and relentless work to be removed from the AppStore, along with all its data. And just like that, I got an email saying it was gone.

I could no longer feel. To care about a project so much then have your parents say they could care less about it and have you delete it, over some horror movies.

I got in my bed and all I could do was cry. I didn’t care anymore, I just wanted to cry. Deleting that app was like killing my own child. (It may seem extreme, but you should’ve seen how happy I was to actually create this app, and the work I put into it.) A little bit later, my parents come into my room and start reading me verses from the Bible about how what I did was wrong. I fell asleep screaming for them to leave me alone as they continued to read.

1 year later (present day) -

By now, I have been through a lot. The app situation was only a sliver of the struggles I’ve encountered. I’ve had many more situations worse than this.

Over these few years, I have learned so much about life. I’ve learned what it’s truly like to be free from religion, even if I still have to live with it.

Here I am today, in church as I was just told “evolution can’t be real, because someone would’ve struck some slime with electricity and created a new creature” and thinking.... how much longer do I have to go through this.

—

So yea, that’s my story. Just know that if you ever feel alone, you’re not alone. I know how it feels to feel trapped in a world that you don’t belong in.

Soon, I will graduate and be free. Until then, I’m only learning more and more about computers every day, the only thing that keeps me sane.

[jessicanotfamous]

I think A.D.D. is ruining my life.

I know what you’re thinking, everyone who has ever forgotten an important appointment, or birthday blames it on “their a.d.d.”. It is true, almost a running joke. I am one of those. I am one of those people who, without real intent, blame the A.D.D. every time a neuro pathway seemed blocked. 

My reality is, when I was in middle school, 7th grade to be exact, I was diagnosed with the attention deficit often associated with A.D.H.D. I never had the issues with hyper activity, which I am assuming is why when I was screened the first time in 5th grade it went unnoticed. They told my mom then, “she is highly intelligent, no learning disability and know signs of a.d.h.d, she must be doing bad in school because she isn’t applying herself.” And after that, that was all I heard from my parents, how smart I was, and how lazy I must be to be making sub-par grades. It is true, all through school, even in high school and now college, I have always made mediocre grades. Except in middle school. In 7th grade I was put on Ritalin, which worked. In 7th grade I was in band, choir, and making good grades, reading books for fun. My favorite book that year was The Hatchet. I read it twice. For some reason, I don’t know if it was the cost of the medication, or an undesired side effect, but in the middle of my 8th grade year, my parents took me off of the medication. The result, I failed the 8th grade. Failed half of my S.O.L. tests my 9th grade year in high school. My mother passed away in 2010, long before the effects of being an adult with A.D.D. started to show in my adult life. So I never asked her why I was taken off of the medication. When I was a young adult, when life was simple, it was easy to not notice this thing looking over me. I had minimal responsibility, until I became a mom. As a young parent, I noticed forgetfulness and frustrations that were diagnosed as postpartum. But I never felt depressed....In fact this diagnosis of pseudo depression has followed me with every physician I have tried to talk to. 

I never know what to tell them......It always comes across as depression, but it’s not. I am not a professional, but I know I am not depressed. It’s like the feeling of sadness and hopelessness but not at ones self.....it’s the feeling of constant pressure to make sure I don’t forget something. My brain constant and obsessively tracing thoughts over and over, like a scratched CD. The thoughts skip around and jump, but never stop....I can’t even read a book without having to re read sentences and sometimes whole paragraphs. While I read I am literally thinking of almost anything and everything else. I get distracted when I drive, which is dangerous. I have gotten tickets as a result of carelessly not looking at the speedometer, and at least one of the accidents I have been in I can recall was the result of not paying attention to a street sign, thinking I stopped, telling myself i stopped or at least that I needed to, but not actually doing it. I forget important things, items when I shop. I fix a meal for my children and forget the silverware or the drinks. Sometimes, I think they already ate, and they haven’t. I have had lights cut off for forgetting to pay the bill....I forget important paper work for social workers, schools, jobs....I frequently neglect to email someone back, even when I know the email is pertinent to my needs, my children's needs. I repeat myself in conversation and talk loud. I have constant anxiety about just how bad I have messed up today, or what am I forgetting today. My study habits SUCK. Hence the reading issue previously discussed. I tried so hard, so hard to study, I tried to find fun visual ways, and they worked a little, but not enough. I flunked out of my first semester of nursing school, despite working my ass off for it for months. I am horrible with money, not because I like to spend it, I just forget how much I have, how much I need....and when I try to keep record of this, writing it down, I forget to maintain consistency in doing so. People tell me all the time to make lists, keep an agenda...I HAVE TRIED...but I get distracted and forget to utilize it.... It is literally a revolving door of one f*** up after the other. My marriage failed, granted he was a selfish jerk just as messed up as me if not more, but I am sure I contributed my own toxicities.....my current boyfriend constantly tells me I talk too loud or too much, I repeat myself, I forgot this, or I forgot that.....I have a sink full of dishes, not because I am too lazy to do them, dishes is a stress reliever for me, it is literally because I had every intention of doing them an hour ago, but got side tracked and my mind was never able to revert back to the task. This happens DAILY. Everything in life distracts me and stresses me in a way that is not normal, the older I get the more I realize it....I cannot continue like this. I have been un-medicated since 1998, and here I am 32, section 8 housing, 3 kids, part time work and very little hope......Not every bad decision in my life that has led me here is the result of my A.D.D. but it is definitely acted as the precursor in a snowball effect kind of way. I see other adults my age with mortgages and careers.....where did I go wrong? Why do I constantly try to build my life with no ability to maintain the consistency required to stick to something? This is not an excuse, I just need help....with no health insurance I don’t even know where to begin. And I know it isn’t a learning disability, because I can remember some things. Things I am passionate about, birthdays, anniversaries, ancient history. 

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: Beer with a Painter: Suzanne Joelson and Gary Stephan

Suzanne Joelson “Crackrakecrate” (2016) paint, vinyl graphics on wood panel, 50 x50 inches (all images courtesy the artists)

Gary Stephan and Suzanne Joelson live and work together in a building in TriBeCa. Within the building they each maintain individual floors, so my suggestion of a “couple” interview was a bit of a radical experiment. We had to decide how and where to stage our visit. Luckily they were game, ready with Captain’s Daughter IPA, and an array of cheese and snacks.

Their zones are distinct: Stephan doesn’t keep anything extra around — leaving only some minimal, modernist furniture, a vintage rowing machine for exercise, and a fantastic rotating easel. Joelson’s area is full of color, with layered collections of fabrics, textiles, and clippings in full use. Stephan says he’s lucky that he can borrow supplies from Joelson when he needs them; he refuses to buy anything in advance. They use examples from domestic life to illustrate their aesthetics: Joelson apparently doesn’t like closing closet doors — it denotes a system of closed deductions. More than anything, I’m struck by their open, inquisitive nature with each other.

This rigorous but open questioning permeates both of their practices. Joelson asks what happens when two unexpected elements or techniques bump up against one another: collaged, industrial fabrics  and the painterly, handmade gesture. Stephan refers to a formalist vocabulary, but turns any lingering obsession with the “framing edge” upside-down. There’s a curiosity in their work about different permutations of “meeting in the middle,” which is, in fact, echoed by the terms of our three-person conversation.

Stephan was born in Brooklyn in 1942, studied at Pratt Institute, and received his MFA from the San Francisco Art Institute in 1967. He has had solo shows in New York at Susan Inglett Gallery, Bykert Gallery, Mary Boone Gallery, Hirschl and Adler, and Marlborough Gallery; in Los Angeles at Margo Leavin Gallery and Daniel Weinberg Gallery. He is currently represented by Kienzle Art Foundation in Berlin, where he will be the subject of a solo exhibition in the fall.

Joelson was born in 1952 in Paterson, New Jersey. She received her BA from Bennington College in 1973. She has exhibited at galleries including Nature Morte in New Delhi, Fernando Alcolea in Barcelona, and White Columns in New York. She was the subject of a solo exhibition, Slipping Systems, in the fall of 2016 at Studio 10, Brooklyn, New York.

*   *   *

Jennifer Samet: Suzanne, can you tell me about any childhood memories you have of making art?

Suzanne Joelson: My mother was a painter. When I was twelve I helped her paint scenery for a local theater group and got to keep the paint. When friends came over we painted the walls of my bedroom with stripes and dots in clashing colors right over the patterned wallpaper. My parents were fine with this and I continued to alter the room until I left for college. All these years later I am back to combining paint and print.

Suzanne Joelson  “First Back” (2012) interior of wood panel/hollow core door, 40 x 30 inches

I did not have many toys but I remember breaking, cutting, and reassembling the ones I had. Doll houses got major overhauls. At some point my mother hid the nicer dolls either to protect them or avoid cramping my style.

In high school I had a geometry teacher who did not like me. But I was oddly good at geometry. I just got it and did not need the class so she let me spend the time in the art room.

I went to the Noguchi Museum recently and thought that it was a bit like the art that I grew up seeing. It is beautiful and essentialist, and yet it’s not enough.  There’s always a sense of Noguchi being a little too good.

JS: Gary, where did you grow up? Were you into drawing as a kid?

GS: When I was a kid living in Levittown, on Long Island, like a lot of guys, I loved drawing planes and cars. I remember that in the fifth grade, I was very enamored of this other kid’s drawings. His planes looked so much better than mine, but I couldn’t figure out why. I befriended him and finally said, “Bill, let’s be candid, your planes are much better than mine. Why?” He said, “Rivets. I draw all the rivets.” I realized that was it. He had all these little dots, so it felt like it had been built like a real plane.

We would go to Mass in Levittown Hall, where local artists put their work up on the walls. The work was full of the tropes of late 1940s art: caulk balls dipped in white paint, held together with sticks, on a ground of sandpaper. It was slightly Miró-ish, or like Picabia drawings — quasi-mechanical things. I did not understand what they were but I was attracted to the physicality of them, and the curious form-making. So the plane drawings and my interest in that work run along next to each other.

Gary Stephan “Untitled” (2008) acrylic on canvas, 32 x 32 inches

I had flunked 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. Eventually I got an art teacher who saw me drawing cars all the time and said, “You know, there’s a name for that. It’s called industrial design.” I decided that was it, and that I would go to Pratt for it. But then I fell in with the painters and, before graduating, I went out to the West Coast. I went to the San Francisco Art Institute for my Masters.  Eventually, the two forces came together. A lot of my approach to painting is still with that clear, coherent, “What’s the project?” mindset of a designer.

JS: Gary, I wanted to ask you about your Catholic background, because you have said Catholic imagery, like the cruciform shape, has infiltrated your painting.

Gary Stephan: Although I’m now an atheist, I still have some of the Catholic furniture. Every once in awhile, its forms appear, or ideas about above and below: the spiritual plane and the bodily plane. I don’t resist it, but I don’t embrace it. I just let it roll into the mix and then it rolls out again.

When I was in first grade at Catholic school, I read a story called “The Prince’s Dessert,” which was the beginning of my fascination with paradox. The prince asks for a dessert that’s hot and cold at the same time. The punch line was that it was a hot fudge sundae.

I was disappointed with the outcome of the story — because a sundae is alternately hot and cold. It isn’t simultaneously hot and cold. As a boy I felt tricked by the answer. Anyway, these kinds of polarities have interested me since childhood.

As a Catholic, I never thought of the concept of shades of gray in ethical, moral, or emotional questions. That idea did not occur to me until I was well into my second year of college. It was uncomfortable for me, because it didn’t come to me naturally. I was constructed by my parents and by my church to be fundamentally binary. I know the world is not like that. It is fascinating how disappointing that is.

JS: Did the two of you meet originally through art? Suzanne, you were working for Robert Rauschenberg, right?

SJ: I worked for Merce Cunningham as the liaison between Rauschenberg and Jasper Johns, and Merce. I was hanging out in that period with Ross Bleckner, Julian Schnabel, and David Salle. Gary had an opening at Mary Boone, and I went to the opening with Julian. Gary and I talked for about an hour. I was completely smitten and thought I’d made a big impression. But I wasn’t even invited to the after party.

Then, two weeks later, Gary came to a Cunningham event at the Joyce Theater.  I was with Ross, and after we took him to Studio 54, I took Gary home. He didn’t even remember me.

GS: It took a while for it to click, but once it clicked it was crazy great. We’ve been together for an amazing amount of time — 38 years. I’m incredibly lucky.

JS: Suzanne, do you think your use of recycled fabrics and materials from the street is related to the experience of doing costume and set design?

Suzanne Joelson “Broken Cocoa” (2016) paint,vinyl graphics on wood panel, 24 x 54 inches

SJ: I hadn’t thought about it but one of my favorite tasks working for Cunningham was recreating Rauschenberg’s set for “Winterbranch” (1964). At some point in the nocturnal piece Rauschenberg would drag what we called “the monster” across stage. It was usually a rolling ladder with an array of battery-operated lights and things he would find on the street. I loved doing it, even though I wasn’t as good at it as Rauschenberg was. He always had a more unlikely thought.

There is something about working with preexisting materials, adapting things outside one’s control. After Hurricane Sandy, I carried my wet paintings up six flights of stairs in the dark, with two assistants. The paintings were on hollow-core doors and water was sloshing around in them. When I ripped off the backs, a roughly applied cardboard substructure was revealed. Its diamond pattern was almost like African Kuba cloth but by different means. We arranged the paintings around the loft to dry with all the backs ripped off, and took photographs of the arrangements.

The effect of that experience was an idea of being very transitory about the work: being less caught up in the craft of it, less concerned about permanence. For a long time, I was a “pure” painter. At some point I started bringing the world back into the paintings. I don’t believe in zero-degree formalism.

JS: I am curious what you think about this, Gary: the idea of pure painting and formalism.

Gary Stephan “The Future Of Reading 5” (2016) acrylic on canvas, 20 x 20 inches

GS: My elevator pitch for my work is that I am using the tools of formalism to build the house of surrealism. I see formalism as a set of appearances designed to create something that’s visually dependable. The contribution of Surrealism is that it problematizes the reading of the world. If you take the appearance of formalism, but bang the cues into each other in such a way that the picture space wobbles or flickers, or doesn’t work properly — you are making a surreal proposition about formalism.

When I came to New York, the big division was between the sharp guys who made serious, formal objects, and the crazy aunt in the attic — of surrealism. Richard Serra would say, “The problem with Donald Judd’s work is that it is surreal.” He was referring to the concealed surfaces – things you can never know. Anytime you conceal, you’re essentially making a surreal object. That’s why Serra’s sculptures are solid steel. Anything that existed outside our vision would become secretive, mysterious, and romantic. The work has to be in plain sight and experiential.

But I could not just blow off de Chirico and Magritte. The contribution of de Chirico is that, for almost the first time in history, aside from Caspar David Friedrich, concealment is content. It is subject matter.

In my work, I try to have enough dependable information that there is a way to compare it to the missing part. The purpose is to re-engage viewers so that instead of them passively taking in the work at the level of style, you offer them the opportunity to engage the problematics of the picture space. In engaging them, they become co-constructors.

SJ: There’s also a lesson in that: that nothing is reliable. Your paintings seem like an inoculation for our collective anxiety about the contradictions of the world. You practice not being able to depend on a predictable space.

GS: Absolutely. It gets to the Russian idea of defamiliarization and the Brechtian idea of alienation. What they want to do is get the viewer into the pain of responsibility in a difficult world at the level of play. You are making art, so it should be fun, but it is also dealing with essentially difficult questions.

It has to do with the citizen’s relationship to the world. For example, I think one of the reasons Trump is appealing to people is that he is saying, “Only I can solve this problem.” It is essentially a paternalistic model. The academic model of painting was essentially paternalistic. It says, “We’ve got all the cards; we know what art looks like; we’re in charge; you’re in good hands.” It’s very Trumpian. What happens with the Impressionists is they say, “Who knows how this works? Get involved, maybe you don’t like it, maybe you don’t trust it. You can co-construct this if you’re so inclined.”

JS: Suzanne, can you tell me about how you deconstruct order and sequences? I know you utilize the Fibonacci cycle in constructing your paintings and multi-panel pieces.

SJ: I tend to start with an order, which I resist. But sometimes it is the other way around and I tug the visual cacophony toward a system. I utilize the Fibonacci cycle, but contaminate it with a degree of lived life.

Suzanne Joelson “Massaging Kale” (2016) paint, vinyl graphics on wood panel, 48 x 84 inches

My cousin who lives in Paris visited recently and we had a sort of French night out in Soho. On our way from Lucky Strike to dessert at Balthazar, we passed the biggest mass of rats I have ever seen in New York. On a shop-filled block we crossed the street to get out of their way. In the context of that evening it was the most exciting part.

GS: Wow. There’s a unique take — “Dessert was great, but the rats were even better.”

SJ: I’ve had lots of great desserts but how often have I seen that many persistent rats? They were undeterred by gentrification. I think about the fact that now, psychologically, so much is colored by what is happening with the Trump presidency. I constantly contend with the question of how much news and information I can digest.

GS: I’ve thought for a long time that if I paid really close attention to politics and then didn’t say to myself, “How can I consciously translate this into a work of art,” but let it leach into the groundwater of my brain, it would show up on some level. I think it does. The conversation I’ve been having with friends is basically, “What can be the relationship of abstraction to politics?”

Gary Stephan “Untitled” (2009) acrylic on muslin, 60 x 42 inches

JS: So this has to do with an idea about incorporating experience and contaminating “pure painting” with daily experience?

SJ: The interest in the Fibonacci sequence and spiraling goes back to the way I have thought about experience, which is as a coil. You go on a route and arrive at a shard of light, and recognize where you are. Then you keep going, and get back to that part again. But you are not going in circles, you are constantly staging a step up…or down.

In Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past, the narrator describes traveling from Balbec in a stagecoach. The coach is going up the hill and away. As it turns along the switchback, he can see back toward the town he has just left. He keeps looking back toward it, but from a little farther, as he is heading toward the future. Then, on the switchback, yet again, he looks back on where he just was, but now he is turned even more. That becomes a metaphor for how memory works.

Thomas Nozkowski came to my studio once when I was working on something that was overly coordinated and he said, “Jump cut.” That was all he needed to say. Now it is my mantra.

GS: It is related to the mosque you loved so much in Turkey, I’ve also always thought that a lot of Suzanne’s work had to do with translation.

SJ: Yes, the interior of the Rüstem Pasha Mosque in Istanbul is beautiful and perfect. There are four doors outside, and the door farthest from the entrance is completely broken up. The original tiles were found and put back on, but not in the original order. I love that kind of patching. It is similar to the Winchester Cathedral in England, where one rose window on the north transom was broken into smithereens and reassembled out of broken bits.

I consider different materials and methods of application in terms of translation. The model is conversation. For example, this format of today’s conversation is unusual for all of us. We can’t anticipate each other’s questions or responses, or the gap between what is said and what is felt or experienced, and how it will read on the page or screen. These change in the context of the situation. I am interested in how the familiar becomes strange, and the structure becomes fallible. A new thought emerges or an old thought can be re-imagined.

JS: Gary, you have described having “two masters”: the object and the painting. Can you explain what that means?

GS: That phrase, “serving two masters,” came from a chapter heading in an old fundamentalist Christian primer that I found. In terms of painting, at one end of the spectrum, you have the master of the concrete object — someone like Robert Ryman. At the other end of the spectrum, you have somebody like Frederick Church — the illusion of a space that can be entered. With Church, you want to experience Niagara Falls uncontaminated by the resistance of the object. With Ryman, you want the clarity of the object without any of the froufrou of the picture space.

Everybody conducts his or her practice along that continuum. That is what is meant by the serving two masters. Anytime you show fealty to one, you’ve weakened your fealty to the other. I was once given a hard time in print for “being compromised”: for the work vacillating between its allegiance to objects, and its allegiance to picture space. That vacillation was seen as a failure of nerve. I think times have changed enough that now it is considered a good way to look at things.

JS: You work on paintings from all directions and sides, and use a rotating easel to turn them around. Is that related to these ideas of concealment and moving between the object and the image?

Gary Stephan “Untitled” (2017), acrylic on Canvas, 30 x 30 inches

GS: The circular easel allows me to mess with expectations about gravity and the punch line. Sometimes I give way to the more obvious expectation, because I don’t see any reason to be obscure. Sometimes, it is too easy, so I turn them backwards, so to speak. Then they are slower. When you finally get to the punch line, it is more of a surprise.

JS: You think of the paintings as having punch lines?  What does that mean?

GS: I definitely do. It is a term I got from Tom Nozkowski years ago. He would say, “Well, the gag of this painting is…” Some people see them right away, and some people never see them. I’ve had any number of people think they’re simply delightful, flat designs, and I think, “Okay.” I’ve gotten over the artist as educator part of my life.

SJ: Whereas Rothko hoped that people would fall to their knees and start to cry in front of his paintings, you want to hear people chuckling.

GS: Yes. I want them mildly chortling under their breath.

The post Beer with a Painter: Suzanne Joelson and Gary Stephan appeared first on Hyperallergic.

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