#I had a minor breakdown and had to leave the classroom for a bit

[ayakashibackstreet]

By the way, I just realised my Japanese teacher didn't assign me any homework for the weekend again?

[dowoonie-namjoonie]

All You Need is Confidence

Paring: Teacher!Jae x Student!Reader x Teacher!Wonpil

A/N: IDK why but I’m on a student-teacher kick, probably because I’ve been watching PLL again so...ENJOY! BTW, if you like this I’m probably going to make it a series because why not! If this does make you uncomfy, I suggest you don’t read it. 

Warnings: Student-teacher relationships, poly relationship, slight age gap, minor language, and suggestive themes. 

(Unedited, and also there will be a second part!)

High school was not fun, you know how people say it’s one of the best times in your life, well you have reason to disagree. Senior year was the most stressful to you, purely because of the inevitable change from childhood to adulthood when you go to college. That pressure to instantly grow up scared the ever-living shit out of you without fail. 

However, school wasn’t always that bad, your senior year was bad, yes. But, three people in your life made sure on their lives that you’d have the best year ever. Number 1, your best friend Kang Younghyun. Both you and him were senior this year, Younghyun always had a higher work ethic than you. Motivated to do anything and everything, honestly, his main goal was to travel the world by himself. By far, he was the most daring, independent person you’d ever met, he had confidence practically radiating off of him. So, you can imagine that there was never a dull moment with him. 

Number 2 and 3 go hand in hand. Mr. Park Jaehyung and Mr. Kim Wonpil, they made sure the hallways were a safe place and more importantly that class was never plain. Mr. Park and Mr. Kim are best friends from what you know ever, they even went to this high school just like you and Younghyun. Even though they were best buds, they were complete opposites. 

Mr. Park’s english class was eventful. Mr. Park hated homework so he rarely gave it, said he “doesn’t believe in it.” Most of the time he’d spend class talking to kids about video games, giving so advice to novices to the games he liked. Of course he actually taught...once a month maybe! Mr. Park was just one of those cool teachers who didn’t teach, but yet someone taught you everything you need to know about the world. Weird how that happens. Commonly, people knew him as a young teacher-same with Mr. Kim-even romanticizing the man. Most of your girlfriends swooned over either one of the teachers: But, hey you had to admit it, you definitely had a crush on Mr. Park. 

Mr. Kim, on the other hand, taught a tedious government class. Mr. Kim seemed to always be second whenever compared to Mr. Park, it kinda made you feel guilty having liking the one out of the two. They both were equally good people, but since Mr. Park is barely a teacher people just like him more. You see, Mr. Kim taught, there was nothing he loved more than giving 30 slides worth of a powerpoint, making you take pain-staking notes every-other day. Mr. Kim was popular more on his visuals and how shy he was. Mr. Kim could get flustered about anything and everything, once a kid in your class asked to go to the bathroom because he needed to take a shit, and Mr. Kim blushed rocking back and forth on his chair all because how the kid worded his sentence. Mr. Kim was adorable in a I-can-make-fun-of-him way, maybe it was teenage hormones but you had a crush on him too. Ah, but the crushes you had would never go anywhere...right? 

Anyway, the theme between them two was that you always went to them when you were upset. Both teacher took a liking to you because of your playful nature and natural sense of what they taught. Your intelligence seemed to impress most people, but you had to admit when you had your downfalls, especially when learning what the difference of absolute monarchy and constitutional monarchy. Civics wasn’t your strong suit. In english class, Mr. Park would make you stand out from the class making fun of every detail about you, Mr. Kim had empathy for you. Tutoring you in a heartbeat whenever you had trouble in his class, which seemed frequent. No matter how much Mr. Kim would hate to admit it, but he didn’t mind your merciless teasing, so of course you were his favorite student. Still, they both helped you through thick and thin. Like today.

Today, today was not your day. Earlier this morning Younghyun told you he was going home early sick, so you needed to get another ride home. Or you’d have to take the bus home, which was a no-go for you since taking the public bus freaked you out. You don’t know, the fact anyone could sit next to you made you paranoid. What if it was a serial killer, who planned on following you home and killing you? See, paranoid. 

Then this girl in your class ruined your whole project, a fucking group project, those you despise. Why was it fair to be partnered up with people who, simply, didn’t care about their grade just like you did. This girl proved this fact almost definitely, for your chemistry class, you were supposed to build a representation on how electrical currents go through objects. You being you, took on the roll easily, priding yourself with most of the difficult things. The one thing she needed to do, that ignorant bimbo, was to bring a potato and toaster. So, the chemistry project was left with an F. 

When you got frustrated you cried, unfortunately this flaw was seen by everyone in your chemistry class. Leaving you the laughing stock of the school for at least the next few weeks. The stares from people-even the mocking laughing, made your spiral. And why, all because of a stupid girl who couldn’t do her part in a simple project. Embarrassing yourself further, you decided to run out of class to the nearest person who could help calm you down. 

Panic filled you as you ran through the, just nearly, populated hallways. As you sobbed down, people looked at you like you were some crazy person on the brink of a full-blown breakdown. In these situation where you had minor panic attacks, you would run to yours and Younghyun’s meeting place. The janitors closet that no-one dared to go into, no one but you and Younghyun. Since, he left earlier because he’s sick, there was only one other place where you could go besides the unhelpful guidance counselors that would give you shitty life advice and send you back to class. No, Mr. Park could help you, he always managed to make you feel better. 

People were insatiable, desperately trying to shatter you into a million pieces as you made your way to Mr. Park’s english room. Thankfully, and ironically, for you the bell had rung in the knick of time. Mr. Kim noticed a heap of students outside his classroom, crowded together whispering insults at god knows what. When he heard your name strun into the mix, he realized you were standing in the middle of this crowd, holding yourself trying to hide your tears. 

“Alright, alright,” Mr. Kim exclaimed, grabbing the attention of the students, who seemed more flabbergasted than anything. Mr. Kim never yelled. “Clear out, now!” 

The man had never looked more serious, a demanding tone riddled in his voice, his eyes like a black-hole to those who opposed him, and his hands put on his hips. So, this is what he’s like when he’s angry. His anger helped you, students cleared out into other room, lingering students were shoved away into the bathrooms fearing of a write up. Still, you stayed on the ground hiding your tears, Mr. Kim coming up in front of you, the tap of his shoes alerted you. 

“Y/N,” he started, voice getting closer as he kneeled down. Sure, he’s seen you upset thousands of times, but out of those times you haven’t cried once. There was no time due to your whining and yelling about whatever set you off that day. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” 

Mr. Kim was concerned, per usual he had empathy for you, upset himself because you were crying. He could never tell why, but he hated when you were angry or sad, he just couldn’t stand it. 

“N-No...,” you whipped a tear, looking up at his face. Being met with pure handsomeness, but there was no time to be entranced by his record-breaking looks. “Can-Can you take me to Mr. Parks...please, I need to talk to him-to both of you. Is that okay?”

Mr. Kim was taken aback, luckily for him and Mr. Park had no class, lunch break comes with perks. “Of course it’s okay, let’s go, everything will be okay.” Mr. Kim put a hand on your back, tapping you lightly to encourage you to get up. Complying, both of you made it to Mr. Park’s, just catching him in the middle of taking a bit of his tuna sandwich. 

“Oh hello...oh no,” his sandwich dropped onto the desk upon seeing you blotchy face. Uncomfortable sight to see. “Y/N, Wonpil what’s going on?”

Mr. Kim lead you to a nearby desk, out of all the empty ones he put you directly in front of the teachers desk. 

“I’m not sure,” Mr. Kim started, backing away from you as you convulsed with a sobbing fit. “I found her like this in the hallway.” 

Mr. Park clicked his tongue, looking around his desk for some unused tissue and a free water bottle. Oddly enough he had both of those things tucked away in his desk. Strutting over to you, he gently held the tissue up to your face, dapping off some stray tears, in the process placing the water bottle next to you. 

“Just calm down okay,” Mr. Park muttered, focused on cleaning you up. 

Mr. Kim came up behind him, reaching for the water bottle and opening it up for you. Carefully, Mr. Park withdrew his hand, letting Mr. Kim give you some water. Even then, you didn’t calm down, concerning both of the men when you started hyperventilating. Today was just one of those days. The whole ordeal rang through your head, no one could ever look at you the same ever again. Look at you now crying in front of two men, who you adore, sullying everything they knew about you. The thought that your life was over made your panic attack protrude, increasing your talent of overthinking.   

“What’s going on Jae,” Wonpil kept his eyes on you with pure worry in his eyes. Wonpil has never experienced a panic attack before, let alone even seen one in person. 

“She’s having a panic attack um...I’ve got this.” 

Mr. Park stepped up to you again, making sure you could only focus on him. He placed his hand on your lower thing, squeezing lightly, placing his forehead against yours. Both him and you made a deep eye contact, calmingly he said “Y/N, calm down, everything’s going to be okay.” When you didn’t respond to him, instead you ignored him, he began tapping in a pattern on your thighs. 

“Y/N,” he tried again, keeping up with the pattern. “Focus on my fingers, okay? Focus on how I’m tapping you, okay?” 

Listening to him, you began to calm down, feeling his tapping. One time on the right, next on the left, then on the right, then on the left...

“That’s it,” he began, not giving up on the tapping, pulling you back to reality. 

“I’m okay...okay...I’m okay,” you spoke up, swallowing back the horrible panic you just felt. 

Mr. Park pulled back, proud of himself that his efforts to calm you down worked, Jae was experienced with panic attacks. Although it killed him to see you like that, he’s just glad you came here for him to help you. 

With the tissue, you rubbed your face and nose of any liquid that came out of you. Both men looked at you in waiting for your next move, they didn’t know what could throw you off. 

But, someone had to speak up at some point. “Do you want to talk about it Y/N?” Mr. Park’s question made you shake, Mr. Kim noticed this nodding him off. 

“Let’s not talk about that,” Mr. Kim spoke, putting a loving smile on his face to hopefully not start up another panic attack. “Um...Why don’t we do something? Yea, like...” Wonpil was at a loss, looking over to his best friend for something that could distract you in this moment. 

“Y-Yea,” Mr. Park perked up, jumping to his desk to find anything to help you regulate yourself. The only thing he had that was remotely fun and not school work, was a Christmas word search he’d given the freshman class he taught yesterday. “This, we can do this word search!”

“Yes, a word search!” Both teachers yelled excitedly, Mr. Park placed the word search on his desk, Mr. Kim beckoning you to come over to them to do the word puzzle. 

You knew what they were trying to do, but really you were in exactly no position to deny the men who just helped you through that. After all, they were making you feel better. Like a snail, you slid off the desk, trudging your way over to both of the enthusiastic men sitting in Mr. Park’s spinny chair that they pulled out just for you. Mr. Kim placed a pencil in your hand, sliding the paper more towards you, meanwhile Mr. Park pulled up two chairs for him and Mr. Kim to sit in next to you. Sitting down next to you, the both watched you complete the puzzle, randomly helping you throughout. 

Mr. Park and Mr. Kim had a secret, an unspoken secret between the two of them. Even if it was left untouched and talked about, both men new that both of them had a crush on you. They were disappointed, even discussed in themselves that they liked you, but you didn’t make it any easier either. They felt the need to protect you, constantly, the need to make you happy when no one else could are their duties. For Jae, he started to like you when you promptly scolded him for being a horrible teacher, but an amazing guy. From that day forward, you and Jae formed a bond where you made fun of eachother with hidden love. For Wonpil, it’s when you defended him when people were making fun of the way he got flustered. He just knew you were the one, no ones ever defended him that way. The more you came to talk to them, the more their feeling began to grow for you. Ditto, same thing happening to you. 

All of it happened so fast, Mr. Park was lost in thought about you. Delicately, he watched you as you tried to figure out the puzzle. Even though your face was red, eyes swollen, and nose runny Jae still admired your looks. The way your face was scrunch up in determination to defeat the puzzle, the way you bit your lip, or the way your soft looking hair fell on your face-

Reaching out his bigger hand, he wisped a stray piece a hair from out of your face, getting a better look at your beauty. But then you turned to him, with your wide E/C eyes and a cute pout on your face, he just couldn’t help himself. His hand moved from your, now proven, soft hair. Stroking his way to cup your cheek, his callassed thumb ran across your bottom lip. The plumpness fueling him more, before you both knew it his lips were on yours. His lips encased yours, the sudden feeling making you whimper under him, the only word to describe how it felt was euphoric. First you were shocked, not expecting your teacher to touch you, let alone kiss you. Then, a feeling bubbled in you, your stupid crush and all the fantasies you’ve had about him made you melt into him. Closing your eyes, beginning to kiss him back, your hand met grasped his shirt, pulling him further into you. Kissing Mr. Park was something else. 

[z-rayed]

Anxiety - AxelxJemma

Hey there! As I see, my first drabble was pretty much of success, so I decided to write one more, now with Axel. Attention! There’s a topic which can influence your mental condition! If you are mentally unstable, please either be careful or don’t read it! Word count: 1913

The school day was finally over. A lot of students gathered in small groups, chatting happily about interesting things they saw or heard during the day. But for Axel there was no place to have fun in his heart. 

'Where are you? Why didn't you tell anybody what happened to you?'

The worst thoughts came into his mind, and no matter how he tried to not to think about anything bad, the thoughts kept popping out. And there was the reason for that. For the first time in 2.5 months Jemma didn't come to classes. At all. 

The first class was math. Usually she came at least 10 minutes before the lesson started, but not that day. The bell rang, and still there was no sign of the blonde girl. Soon after came Ms. Rodrigues and looked around the classroom.

'I don't see Jemma, does anyone know what happened to her?' She asked.

There was an unearthly silence in the class. Everyone looked at each other, waiting for an answer, but nothing was said. 

'Strange, even when she feels bad, she comes to classes.' She signed. 'Anyway, let us begin the lesson.'

Axel skipped math class as usual and didn't know about the situation. But before the next class Raquel found him playing the guitar in the garden. 

'Hey bro, do you know anything about Jay?'

This was the first thing she said. Not 'hello', 'how are you' and so on. That confused Axel.

'What do you mean?'

'She wasn't in math class and no one knows where she is!'

At that moment Axel felt like the world began to ruin inside of him. He jumped up abruptly and headed for the infirmary. Maybe he could get information there. Unfortunately, the nurse didn't know anything.

'I'm sorry, Axel, but she didn't come here and no one told me what happened to Jemma.'

He started to shake a little, his legs buckled, but he still managed to thank the nurse and dash out of the infirmary. So many questions were in his head; where she was, what she was doing, whether she was okay or not and many others. The only thing he knew was the fact he needed to find her. He didn’t give a damn about classes, who even cared about those classes at the moments like this? As Axel approached the exit a strong hand gripped his shoulder. So many negative emotions hit him at that moment: anger, even fury, resentment, bitterness and pain. He turned around only to see the last person he wanted to see now.

‘Tadashit.’ There was a clear threat in his voice, but Tadashi was unwavering. Axel tried to let go of his grip but it was very strong and his strength seemed to leave him. ‘Leave me alone.’

‘Listen, Axel.’ Tadashi began to speak, choosing his words as carefully as he could. ‘I know you worry about Jemma. Me too. But you shouldn’t-’

‘Leave me freaking ALONE!’ The last word was so loud everyone in the main hallway looked in his direction. ‘I don’t give a damn what you think and what you say. Just stay out of my way.’

‘And do you really think your skipping classes would help Jemma? And if you find her, what good will it do you?’

‘I don’t care what it would cost me! Just move your ass already!’ With his hands clenched into fists, it was as if he was killing anyone who stood in his way with his gaze.

‘Well, let's say you find her after spending a lot of time, but you will be expelled, and you will not be able to be together. Is that what you want? To make her feel alone?’ Tadashi’s voice was quiet, deep and quite angry, but he tried to stay calm as much as possible. He knew Axel was in pain, he didn’t think clearly. For the first time he felt sorry for someone like him. That was why Tadashi tried to put him on the right track, not to do the mistake that would cost him a lot.

Axel said nothing. He just couldn’t. It was like something hit him so hard he couldn’t do anything. He shivered all over. The only thing he managed to do was to cover his face with hands. Tadashi finally let go of his shoulder. Having no strength to stand, Axel squatted down, and tears began to fall on his palms. Unable to look at him, Tadashi turned away.

‘You can skip the next class but not the others.Calm down and after that come to classes. I'll figure something out.’

Axel nodded, stood up, wiping tears, and went to the direction of the cafetery. He had a long day ahead of him so he needed some energy. 

After a really hard day, he still had a mission to accomplish. He had to find Jay. 

‘Jelly. I will search for you no matter what. I have so much to tell you and to show you. Just wait a little bit longer.’ He was so desperate he even began to talk to himself. His hands were still trembling but he tried to stay calm. And, to be honest, he did it pretty well despite the situation he was in.

Taking a deep breath, Axel headed out to the dorms. He looked around carefully while he was between the academy and the dorms, having a little hope he could find her there. No luck. He reached the door to her room and was ready to knock but then he noticed that it was slightly open. Taking a deep breath again, he came in. But he didn’t expect to see what happened here.

An almost pitch darkness met him. There was no light except for the one that came from a corridor but it was so not enough to light up the room but enough to see what was on the floor. A lot of pills and the person he worried about as hell in the middle of this circle of drugs. Jemma was sitting there but she didn’t even turn to the source of the sound and the light. Axel rushed to her, moving all that medicine away and looked at Jay’s eyes but once he studied her glance he was horrified. It was empty, almost lifeless. Axel put hands on her shoulders and began to shake her a little.

‘Jelly, can you hear me? What happened to you?’ Nothing changed. She still looked like she didn’t notice him at all. He began to panic and hugged her desperately.

‘I’m here, sunshine! I’m here for you! Please, come to me!!!’ With the last sentence he began to cry again. ‘Please… I have so much to tell you, just come to me…’

‘Uh…’ Suddenly Jemma moved a little. Trying to calm himself down, Axel carefully moved away from her, his hands were still at her shoulders. She glanced at him and smiled faintly, her eyes began to glitter a little.

‘I’m… so… sorry… I…’ Not finishing the sentence, she fell right on Axel. He felt so frightened he barely could think. But he knew one thing: he needed to take Jay to the infirmary. Taking her into his arms, he rushed out of her room, hoping she would be alright.

***

‘Thanks for bringing her here, if you have done it a bit later, that would have been a disastrous outcome for her.’ The doctor came to Axel after taking some blood tests and examinations. ‘Sorry for not giving you the option to stay with her.’

‘I understand, sir. How is she?’ Axel was nervous, very nervous.

‘Actually, you’re right on time. She woke up a few minutes a-’ Without listening to the end of the sentence, he hastily opened the door and dashed to infirmary beds, finding Jay immediately and hugging her tight.

‘I’m so glad you’re awake! I was so worried about you and-’ Jemma groaned a bit and Axel moved away a little, looking frightened ah hell.

‘I’m happy for such a greeting, but it hurts…’ He was ready to put a hand on her head and stroke her hair but was interrupted by the doctor cleaning his throat.

‘Young man, please don’t do this again, you could interfere with patients’ rest. Anyway, here are the results of your tests and according to them you had-’

‘Overdose. That was my conscious decision.’ To say it was strange for Axel to hear that saying so casually was to say nothing. He felt as if the ground was slipping away from under his feet. He was shaking a lot and was ready to cry again, but he managed to place his hands on Jemma’s.

‘Why did you do that?’ His voice cracked a bit but he tried to stay as calm as he could and not to worry Jay. She took one of his hands and put it in her cheek.

‘I’m sorry I’ve worried you so much. But… how should I start?.. Okay, I’m going to tell this straight. My mom’s condition got worse. Much worse. Dad called me yesterday in the morning. He was crying. You know, he’s a captain of British Navy yet he cried so bitterly… It was awful but the most awful was that I couldn’t do anything to help my mother. I felt so useless I began to have a breakdown. The pain was so big I wanted to numb it. And then… well, you saw me, Axel. I’m sorry. I am truly.’ Jay started to cry and Axel hugged her carefully this time, letting her cry into his shoulder. The doctor looked at them with a bit of sorrow.

‘I looked through your medical file and I have one question for you. Have you had the overdose before?’ Jemma hesitated for a few seconds but lying to a doctor couldn’t make her any good.

‘Yes. It was about two years ago.’ Axel hugged her tighter.

‘And what was the treatment?’

‘That overdose affected me stronger so I had to lie in the hospital for some time.’

‘I see. You can rest now. I’ll give you some privacy so you two can talk and then I’ll prescribe a diet to you.’ The doctor was ready to leave but Jemma stopped him.

‘Can you… not tell my family about it? I don’t want them to know I’m in such condition.’ The doctor thought for a bit then nodded.

‘Usually I don’t agree not to inform parents in case of students being minors, but I understand your decision. I won’t call them.’ And with that he left.

Now there were only two of them. A comfortable silence surrounded them and they tried to enjoy it. Still, there were words to say and things to do. Axel let go of Jay for a bit, not taking his arms away from her, and began to talk.

‘Jelly… Please, don’t do that again. At least for my sake. I was so-’

‘Shh.’ She touched his lips with her finger and then lightly kissed him on the lips, shaking her head. ‘There’s no need in words, darling. I know.’

Axel nodded, smiling, and kissed her again. That was a kiss full of hope to be with a person they loved as much as he could. Sitting quietly in the infirmary and being in each other's hands, they were in their own world where no one put life into danger and just expressed their feelings.

[dewitty1]

The Boy Who Lived Next Door

RuArcher (Coriesocks) @coriesocks

Chapters: 7/7

Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s) Characters: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Additional Tags: art dealer Draco Malfoy, shopkeeper Harry Potter, tiny dog, Diagon Alley, Reunions, Enemies to Lovers, to enemies again, Then lovers, Misunderstandings, Realisation of feelings, refusal of feelings, sentient portrait, draco being a sassy knobhead, harry being super fit, no sleeves no masters, Art, Music, bacon sandwiches, Kissing, Coffee, apple turnovers, Anal Sex, Happy Ending, Past Relationship(s), Drinking, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Bacon, Getting Back Together Summary:

The last time Draco Malfoy saw Harry Potter, Draco was bent over a desk in an empty classroom, begging for more. Right before Harry walked out of his life for good. Which was fine. It’d been fifteen years and Draco was obviously over him, thank you very much. He had a nice life and a successful art gallery and no space for noisy neighbours (having sex) or tiny dogs (slobbering) or Harry’s unreasonably muscular arms (wow, where did they come from). If only Harry would just, like, leave him alone... or something.

Excerpt:

“Are you just going to sit there picking at the label of your bottle all night?” Harry asked eventually.

Draco looked down at his hands, aghast. How dare they betray his unease.

“You invited me here. The onus of entertainment falls on your shoulders, surely.”

Harry made an exasperated sound. “I was actually hoping for some kind of apology, you know, since you tried to take control of my business.”

“I don’t see why you’re getting so upset.” Draco rolled his eyes. This was better. He could deal with Harry being a bit stroppy. At least he knew where he stood now. “It was a promise made in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t trying to take control. That’s just how things work in business.”

“For fuck’s sake Draco. You’re so selfish! Do you ever think of anything beyond yourself and your own needs? I’ve tried—Merlin, save me, I’ve tried so hard—to be your friend, to move on, and you’ve been nothing but a massive shit. I don’t know why I ever thought things might be different between us this time. You still only ever think of yourself!”

“I’m selfish? You’re the one that fucked off the second things got a little difficult,” Draco snapped, Harry’s words striking him harder than he thought they would have, opening wounds he’d thought long healed. “You just left! You left me, you left your friends, you left the fucking country!”

“I…” Harry gawked at him, his mouth hanging open in a way that would have been humorous if Draco wasn’t so riled up. “Fuck you, Draco. Seriously. You dumped me. I didn’t owe you anything. I still don’t.”

“I never— I… I didn’t dump you. I told you I had to get married—which you knew, by the way. You’re the one who got pissy about it and left mid-shag. You’re the one you didn’t even try to convince me to… to…”

“To what? You didn’t exactly act like you wanted convincing of anything. You had it all worked out; keeping me on the side while you played happy families with your wife. Didn’t you ever once stop to consider what I wanted?”

“I was always thinking about what you wanted!” Draco shouted. Harry blinked at him and Draco had to close his eyes. He took a breath, willed his voice to remain steady. “If I really was as selfish as you say, I would have kept you all to myself, but that never could have happened, not back then, and not without a fight.”

“Why?”

“Because… because you’re you and I’m me. I needed to rebuild the Malfoy name, secure my legacy, make a future for myself when everyone had already written me off, and I could hardly do that as the man who… who turned the Savior queer. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you weren’t even out, Harry. You knew how people would have reacted if they found out about us, so you were just as keen to keep it quiet as I was,” he finished weakly, knowing it was a shitty excuse even as he said it.

“So it’s all my fault?” Harry glared at him, body was stiff, his wand hand clenching at his side. He looked ready to hex someone and Draco cast a cautious glance around the room to check for signs of him losing control of his magic. He didn’t fancy being decapitated by any stray vinyl. “I wanted a proper relationship,” Harry continued, his voice quiet, trembling. “I wanted hand-holding in the corridors and cuddling in the common room, Hogsmeade dates and being able to call you my boyfriend. I wanted what everyone else got to do with their boyfriends and girlfriends, but I kept everything secret for you. I hid an important part of myself because it was what you wanted, hoping that if I showed you we were worth it, if I could get you to like me as much as I liked you, then maybe we’d get a chance to do things properly. And then you repaid me by telling me you wanted me to stay your dirty little secret. This is on you.”

Draco didn’t know what to say. He’d wanted all those things too—so, so badly. His heart ached with all the opportunities he’d missed because he was too much of a fucking coward to take a chance. He’d been so brainwashed by his upbringing, he’d thought the only thing he could do to restore his reputation, the Malfoy reputation, was to continue with the plan his father had drilled into him since he was small. And maybe there’d been another way. If Harry had only said these things at the time… would he have done anything different? Could it have actually worked? The beer in his stomach soured and churned. He felt sick he—

His spiralling thoughts were interrupted by a rhythmic banging, horribly familiar and wholly unexpected since the person he’d assumed was the source of that noise was currently pacing the room like a cantankerous lion.

“Is there someone here?”

Harry snapped his head around, drawn out of his sulk. “No? What the hell, Draco. Did you listen to a word I just said?”

“There must be someone here,” Draco muttered. He got up, ignoring Harry, and strode out into the hall, pushing open the door to Harry’s bedroom, fully prepared to encounter one (or more) people in a compromising position. Had Harry invited him around for some kind of sex party? Only, the instant the door swung open, he realised it wasn’t a bedroom but a kitchen. A fairly uninspired one at that. What was a kitchen doing here?

“It’s a kitchen,” Draco said redundantly.

“What are you on? What did you think you’d find?” Harry peered over Draco’s shoulder. He sounded pissed off—probably worried Draco was about to stumble into his secret sex dungeon.

Draco cocked his head to the side, listening intently. The sound was definitely coming from this room, but it was clearly devoid of copulating people so where… He zeroed in on the rattling appliance in the corner, against the wall which Draco’s bed backed on to.

“A washing machine?”

“Jesus fuck, Draco. Are you having a breakdown? Should I call someone?”

“It was a washing machine!” He laughed, the sound hysterical even to his own ears, so Circe only knew what he sounded like to Harry. Stumbling back onto the landing he thrust open the other doors: a bathroom, a study, and then, behind the final door, opposite the kitchen and as far away from the wall adjoining Draco’s flat it was possible to get, was Harry’s bedroom.

Just to make absolutely sure he wasn’t being deceived, Draco bent down and checked under the bed, but by this point, wasn’t really surprised to find it devoid of cowering sex-party goers.

“Okay. I’m Flooing Pansy,” Harry said, sounding almost frightened. “Or Blaise. Or Hermione. Fuck it. I’m Flooing everyone. You must have been drugged or something. Did you accept any food from a stranger? Any weird looking drinks?”

Draco rounded on him. Harry had gone from anger to concern so quickly that Draco was almost certain what he was about to do wouldn’t be taken the wrong way. Everything Harry had done over the last few months took on a new slant now he knew Harry wasn’t pounding someone into his mattress every other night. Draco grabbed him by the shoulders, feeling muscles tighten beneath his hands. “Shut up. Just… stop talking, you—”

He closed the distance between them and captured Harry’s lips in a kiss before he could talk himself out of it. Seconds stretched on for an age, but then he felt Harry shift, tilting his head and parting his lips and deepening the kiss.

It was… it was like being eighteen again, but not. Gone was the rashness, the overconfidence, the need to take take take as quickly as they could because who knew when they’d get another chance. Harry’s cheeks were rougher, the stubble he now favoured scratching against Draco’s clean-shaven jaw, but his lips were still soft, and the way they fitted with Draco’s was so heart-wrenchingly familiar, it was like coming home.

They pulled apart, just a fraction, and Draco let out a shaky breath as Harry’s hands crept up his sides and wrapped around his back; a soft, uncertain embrace he hadn’t even realised he missed.

Harry leant back and looked up at him, his eyes slightly glazed, his lips shining. “You, uh, you really like washing machines then?”

Draco stared at him, confused, until, “Oh, fuck off.” He laughed, shaking his head slightly and Harry grinned at him, amusement dancing in his eyes. Merlin, he was beautiful. Draco wanted to kiss him again, wanted to never stop kissing him now they’d done it again.

[bts-fantasy]

part eleven

Genre: Thriller AU

Characters: Yoongi, Hoseok x Reader

Previous — Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was your first day of school after missing a whole week. Hoseok was so nice to send you all of the notes he took while you‘d been struggling to even get out of your bed each day. He and his sister had helped you to get out of your room at least and you actually had a great time if it wasn‘t for the surprise that had been waiting for you at home.

Jae had quickly left the house after telling you the news and you weren‘t able to close your eyes even a little bit for the rest of the night.

Your thoughts were constantly revolving around Yoongi and the messages from the stalker as you tried to calm yourself down again. You tried to avoid thinking of Yoongi being the stalker now that it was proven that he‘s innocent. But there was still a restless feeling inside of your chest that you couldn‘t shake off.

Maybe it was your mind going insane trying to find a scapegoat for the things that’s been happening to you. Maybe you didn‘t want to think of the stalker still being out there somewhere looking for you or maybe it was your own guilt gnawing at you for jumping to conclusions without talking to Yoongi first.

You wouldn‘t be able to look him in the eye anymore and you were certain that he‘d never want to see you again either.

You sighed picking up your bag and walked out of your house as the same thoughts kept running through your mind again and again like a broken record.

It was a sunny November day but as soon as you stepped out you could feel the icy wind hit your bare face and you instantly regretted not bringing your scarf with you to keep you warm.

Halfway through the day, you questioned your decision of showing up to class at all. You weren‘t paying attention at all as you kept doodling in your notebook trying not to fall asleep.

Suddenly, you felt someone slighlty poke your side and turned to look at Hoseok who was smiling at you warmly. You only then noticed, how everyone was packing their stuff and your things were still scattered across the table. Waking up from your doze you quickly stuffed your things in your bag and followed your friend outside.

„The class was really interesting today, don‘t you think?“, Hoseok asked as soon as you‘d left the classroom.

„Y-yeah. Totally.“

Hoseok laughed knowing that you hadn‘t paid any attention but stopped when he saw your spaced out expression. He knew that your mind was somewhere far away and leaned down to talk to you quietly.

„Don‘t worry, I‘ll send you the notes I took.“

It was the first time for that day that you smiled genuinely and his face immediately lit up when he looked at you. He went on to ask you to study with him and when you tried to come up with an excuse he convinced you by inviting you for a drink.

The rest of the afternoon you tried to catch up with the work you‘d missed for the past week and Hoseok was ready to help you whenever it was needed. Sitting in front of your friend at your regular place in your favorite café studying together almost made you feel like everything was back to normal again. It reminded you of the time when everything was going smoothly without any disturbance. You‘d gotten used to the life in the new town after moving here and you’d felt like you were finally able to breathe.

But somehow life always found a way to knock you down.

You let out a deep sigh closing your book shut as Hoseok did the same. You both decided to go home after looking at the dark sky outside of the café. Diving into your studies for the past couple of hours had helped you to distract your mind for a while and you were glad that you‘d been able to get your work done in such a short amount of time. It made you feel good.

You were walking down the street of your little neighborhood looking forward to a long, warm bath when suddenly a voice shouted your name behind you. You immediately froze in your tracks not being able to move and turn around to face him because you knew exactly who was calling you. You tried to ignore it and move forward as you sped up your pace to reach your house but you heard his footsteps hitting the concrete indicating that he was running to catch up with you.

„Y/N! Wait!“

You closed your eyes not wanting to see him or hear him as your heart was hammering against your chest. But you knew you wouldn‘t be able to escape and when you opened your eyes again Yoongi was standing right in front of you.

His cheeks tinted in a rosy color as small clouds of breath left his lips when he exhaled. The black strands of his messy hair almost covering his dark eyes. You stopped breathing for a moment looking at his face trying to unravel your thoughts and feelings about the boy standing right in front of you.

Yoongi seemed to be doing the same thing because now that he was finally in front of you he couldn‘t think of anything to say. His lips parted and closed again as he was desperately trying to form a sentence to tell you everything that he‘d been thinking of lately. But he couldn‘t.

After a moment of complete silence that felt like the world had stopped turning for a while, Yoongi somehow managed to get a word out.

„Why... why did you do it?“

You looked up to meet his eyes that were glistening with unshed tears. You had never seen him so broken before and it was tearing you apart wanting to hold him tight but you refrained from doing so. The guilt you were feeling inside was unbearable and you could feel your own eyes burning by the thought of what you‘d done.

„Yoongi... I...“, you stumbled over your own words as your voice cracked. However, Yoongi remained silent waiting for your response patiently.

„I‘m sorry...“, you finally whispered knowing it would never ever fix the damage that you‘d done but you meant it with your whole heart.

„When I saw those pictures on your laptop I freaked out and I immediately called the police. I know I should‘ve confronted you first but I was so scared. I‘m so sorry, Yoongi and I understand if you don‘t want to see me ever ag-“

You didn‘t get to finish the sentence as you suddenly got pulled into a tight hug. Yoongi‘s arms wound around your waist as if they were made only to hold you. He buried his head in the crook of your neck sending shivers down your spine as he kept whispering to you.

„I dont‘t want to leave you, Y/N. I couldn‘t even if I wanted to.“

His words were the last straw and you burst into tears clinging onto him as if your life depended on it. Droplets of your tears stained his hoodie but you were too busy inhaling the familiar scent of him to even care.

You had missed him so much and you were finally able to admit it without feeling weird inside. You needed him and you loved him.

Yoongi pulled back and you could see his red eyes indicating that you weren‘t the only one who was crying and you reached out to gently wipe his tear-stained cheeks. He leaned into your touch loving the feeling of your soft hands and you took the opportunity to get on your tip toes to place a quick peck on his lips which startled him.

You giggled at his perplexed expression but soon it turned into a smirk before he pulled you into a deep and passionate kiss. Now it was you who yelped at the sudden action but you enjoyed every second of it with a content smile on your lips.

You walked into your house with the biggest smile on your face as you thought back to the moment you and Yoongi had shared just a few minutes ago and you felt like things were finally looking up.

But just in that moment,your phone rang inside of your pocket...

A/N: after a long process and few minor breakdowns I was finally able to post this chapter!🥳 today was great, I hope you also had a nice day or are still havin‘ a great day hehe🤓😋

There are two parts left of this AU and then I‘ll go back to my main series that I‘ve been neglecting this whole time (woohoo...😣)

Anyways thanks for reading & I hope you enjoyed this!🥰

Masterlist

[blueeyeswhitegarden]

Arc V Anniversary Day 14

Day 14: Do you have any AU ideas? Any characters from other YGOs, or even other series, that you think would have made good additions to the story?

I don't really have a lot of AU ideas, but I've seen a lot of interesting ones from other people. The ones that tend to stick out to me the most are the putting the cast in different series or movies. The magical girl AU settings for the Bracelet Girls is a pretty neat one too. The AU setting where the other protagonists or other characters from the various series exist within Arc V is also a pretty interesting idea. I have thought of a few other Yu-Gi-Oh! Characters that I think would have been at least neat to see in Arc V though. Out of the then four completed series, the only one where I don't think characters could have worked was DM. I like DM, but I like that Arc V focused more on the spin-off series. They don't get nearly as much attention as DM from the fans or merchandise..The Dark Side of Dimensions was also in the works during Arc V's run, so I don't think that DM really needed the extra exposure. Besides that, all of the DM characters would be too popular or too tied into the storyline to really work in Arc V. Not to mention Standard was basically the stand in for DM like the other dimensions represented the other spin-off series.

I would have liked to see Sho from GX appear in Arc V. This is based entirely on my personal preference since having three of my favorite characters in the franchise, the other two being Yuya and Jack, all in one series sounded really amazing. It would have been interesting to see how his more timid nature clashed with the Academia mindset, if he tried to become more aggressive in order to fit in or if he would have quickly tried to escape and join with Yusho's Fusion You Show Duel School. Plus, I would have liked to see him get more of a shoutout in the series than a nameless character using his cards only to be defeat fodder for Yuri. Although, Asuka being the GX character who chose to leave Academia behind once she learned the truth is a more natural fit given her personality and I liked that this gave her a more personal reason to become a Ritual user too. Sho definitely wouldn't have been comfortable with carding other people and I think he could have bonded nicely with Yuya too, but I'm not sure if he would have had a huge role in the series as it is.

A more realistic option would have been Sho's older brother Ryo, or I as prefer to call him Kaiser. I was pretty surprised when he wasn't chosen to appear in Arc V. He seems to be a pretty popular GX character. Kaiser may not be Judai's rival exactly, but I think he fit the mold a bit better than Manjoume did, at least in terms of his design. His Cyber Dragon cards are still pretty popular too and I figured that they'd want to make new support cards for that archetype. He apparently does exist in the Arc V universe given that his name was shown in an Academia classroom after Yugo is teleported there. It could have been just a nod, but since the Synchro arc was fill of cameos from minor/one-shot characters from 5D's, I think that there's a good chance that he does exist in Arc V too. Kaiser would have been in his Hell Kaiser persona and it probably would have felt more natural given that the idea of a respectful duelist wouldn't have entered his mind during his time at Academia. He still would desire only victory, but it would be a bit different since there wouldn't be something like the underground dueling scene to traumatize Kaiser. He could have enjoyed carding people too much, even compared to the other Academia students, and meeting Yuya could have led to a change of heart for him. As neat as that could have been, I was pretty happy that they chose Ed instead. He was a much more unexpected choice, it gave them a chance to make new Destiny Heroes and it was the next best option to Elemental Heroes since Hero monsters were one of the most prominent archetypes in GX. I remember seeing some comments where people would have preferred for Kaiser to take Ed's role in Arc V instead, but I don't know if dueling against Yusho would have resulted in the same kind of emotional breakdown for Kaiser as it did for Ed or have Kaiser hold that anger for a year. If anything, Kaiser would probably lash out even further and potentially be more difficult for Yuya to reach. Not to mention Kaiser would fit more as a high ranked solider rather than a commander like Ed originally was. Kaiser could have been an interesting fit for an Academia soldier, but I really liked Ed's storyline and appreciate how unexpected he was to begin with, so I'm glad that they chose Ed to appear in Arc V.

I was really happy with how both Jack and Crow were handled, so I don't think that they needed to have another 5D's character with a major role in the series. However, I would have absolutely loved a Carly cameo. Similar to my desire to see Sho in Arc V, this is entirely based on my personal preference. Fruitshipping is my favorite pairing in the franchise, but I still love Scoopshipping too and just having a silent Carly cameo would have been enough for me. Knowing that she does exist in this universe and could potentially meet Jack would have made me overjoyed with pure happiness. I'm not surprised that this didn't happen. Given the situation with Carly's original voice actress, they probably didn't want to bring too much attention to her through even a silent cameo. A part of me wonders if they would have fallen in love in this universe too. Jack is in different and arguably better emotional and mental place than he was during 5D's. He still isn't happy as the unopposed King, but he didn't have to betray his friends or hide his identity in order to get that position. It's also hard to tell how different Carly would be if she lived in the City, especially when she was not known for being a particularly good duelist. But my inner hopeless romantic says that they would fall in love again. Characters falling in love regardless of what universe they're in is just such a cute concept. Plus, I would love to see one of my favorite pairings get a happy ending through a new beginning.

As for Zexal characters, I thought that Shark would have been a good choice as another Resistance fighter. Admittedly, I'm not sure what role he could have had that wasn't already filled by Shun and later Kaito, especially when he would have been aggressive towards his enemies and probably trying to avenge/save his sister too, but I always thought he'd help with the Resistance fighters and be another strong duelist from the Xyz dimension. He might have been a bit too connected with Zexal's storyline to fit in a different universe, especially when his most popular cards were Numbers. While the writing behind Kaito's storyline was a bit shaky at points, I really liked it and I grew to like Kaito more than I thought I would. He worked as a mirror to what Shun used to be before meeting the Lancers and he had one of the most popular archetypes from Zexal too. His interactions with Ed and Shun were pretty nice, so I was generally happy with his role in the series.

I don't think that there was a biased against Zexal for only choosing one character to return. At the time, Zexal was the most recent completed series, so more kids would have been aware of those characters compared to the GX and 5D's casts. That being said, I was surprised that they didn't give Haruto a silent cameo after the dimensional war. I can understand why they didn't have Kaito's father appear even as a silent cameo since his voice actor passed away a few years ago, but Haruto would have been the only one out of the two most Zexal fans would have wanted to see anyway. I don't think that Haruto was that tied into the plot for Zexal either given he was really only relevant for the first half of the series. I was more disappointed that Kaito didn't get any lines during the last few episodes, but they already had quite a bit of ground to cover during those last few episodes and his voice actor could have been busy too. Despite some of its issues, I really did like Kaito's role in Arc V, so I didn't mind that he was only Zexal era character they chose.

Ever since Jack and Crow were announced to return in Arc V, fans spent so much time speculating on who else could appear and it was a lot of fun. Just the idea of seeing different fan favorite characters in a new series was such an unexpected treat. For the most part, I think that they did a pretty great job with the legacy characters in Arc V, especially with their roles and characterizations. There was more than enough of their original personalities so that they were recognizable, but there were also clear differences as a result from living in a different universe. Crow was initially much less hopeful in regards to the Commons finding a better future than he was with the Satellite conflict in 5D's, Jack was more calm and mature to become one of Yuya's mentor figures, both Asuka and Ed accepted the Academia mindset to different degrees and Kaito was a bit more cold and tried to distance himself from his remaining friends in the hopes that he wouldn't lose them like he lost his family. It really showed that the writers put in the effort to make these characters recognizable to long time fans, but give them some noticeable differences. They live in a different universe with different histories, so that would have significant impact on their personalities.They put in a lot of effort into writing the legacy characters so that they would fit within Arc V’s world building and storyline. It was especially great that it never got the point where people had to watch the previous series in order to understand the legacy characters. Knowing about the previous series added more enjoyment to seeing them in Arc V, but they fit within Arc V's world building and storyline that people could follow along even without seeing the previous three series. I loved that they didn't take attention away from the Arc V cast either. They played important roles, but they were prominent supporting characters instead of becoming the new main cast. As cool as it would have been to see more characters from the other spin-off series, I think that they chose a good amount of previous main characters to appear in Arc V and fit within its storyline.

[far-too-aro-for-this]

Why the Aro Community is Important

Alright followers, it’s time for some real talk. I haven’t been very active on here because I’ve been trying to make this post for quite some time, but it’s been hard for me to write. This is extremely personal for me, but I need to put this out here though because a post like this could have helped me a lot several years ago. Before you go on reading I’d like to go ahead and add a content warning for depression and attempted suicide.

I’ve always been very aro. I remember using crushes as sort of a social move in elementary school. When a rumor went around in second grade that my friend Hunter and I had crushes on each other, I could tell he was embarrassed, so naturally I told the worst secret keeper in the class that I had a crush on someone else and then stirred up fake drama when she told him. It took the heat off Hunter. I thought it was all political maneuvering. Kids playing at being adults. We pretended to get crushes the same way I pretended I was discovering a new continent at recess.

By the time middle school rolled around I started to believe people were telling the truth. Kids actually started dating and I got asked out myself a couple times. I’ll save those stories though, because they actually have some good comedic value and I don’t really want that to be swallowed by the depressing mess this is about to become. By mid high school I was the odd one out, and I was running out of reasons. I still pretended to have crushes, but it wasn’t a game anymore. I was afraid people would find out I didn’t. I was afraid to admit to myself that I didn’t. Most importantly, I was afraid that not being able to feel such an important emotion meant that I was somehow a bad person, or that I lacked the skills necessary for basic human connection. That’s why my junior year of high school, I hit the panic button.

More specifically, I asked out a guy in my class. He was nice enough and we had similar hobbies, so I figured that if there was anyone I could make myself fall in love with it would be him. He’d had a crush on me since freshman year, but I didn’t know that at the time. My oblivious self was halfway confident he might have liked me at the time (but my aro obliviousness is another subject reserved for later). He of course said yes, and soon we were dating. Let me tell you folks, what ensued was hell.

First off, the second we started dating I could feel a shift. Somewhere inside myself, I already knew it was all wrong. I dated this boy for about three months, and my mental health went from somewhere in the normal/healthy range to somewhere in the when did I develop severe claustrophobia range. I had my first panic attack in my marine biology class, the day after we finished dissecting squids. The smell of formaldehyde made the air feel stagnant, and the next thing I knew I was running out of the classroom because I couldn’t breathe. The teacher was also one of my science olympiad coaches, bless his soul, and he knew me and handled the situation with more grace than I could have possibly hoped for. For those three months and several months after I would skip lunch in favor of driving to my church and sitting in the greenspace. I felt so trapped in that school that those 45 minutes of fresh air were the only time of day that I could really feel air in my lungs.

This is probably making the relationship sound toxic. You’re probably sitting there thinking “what did this boy do to you and where do I sign up to hit him.” He did nothing wrong. He never pushed me into anything. Not once. In fact, this story isn’t even about my breakdown, it’s about his.

I avoided this boy for three months. I was so scared of my inability to interact with him organically. The thought of our relationship made me sick and I didn’t know where to even start that discussion with him without making it sound like I hated him. I didn’t hate him. Avoiding him like that though. Not communicating with him. That was wrong. Because I left this poor boy—who had apparently been in love with me for years—thinking I hated him. I left him in this strange limbo of why won’t my girlfriend talk to me and what did I do wrong. By the time I managed to string two thoughts together long enough to figure out I had to break up with him, I’d already done far too much damage. You see, he already had mental health problems. Not the pretty romanticized kind—if that even exists. His parents didn’t believe in mental illness either, and he was a minor so he couldn’t get help without their approval.

This is where the story gets really difficult for me. I just remember sitting in the living room with my parents. I had been bugging my mom about dinner and we were finally about to eat when I got a call from one of my now ex-boyfriends best friends. She was distraught and afraid to leave her phone. She’d gotten a message from him, and I honestly don’t remember exactly what it said, but it was a goodbye. It was a suicide note. I put on my shoes and told my parents I had to go, which raised some questions that I answered honestly but barely, “I think —— might be committing suicide. I have to go to his house” and I was out the door. Miraculously, I didn’t get pulled over. I had a smooth jazz cd playing, which felt wrong but which I also wasn’t going to change because I was too busy trying to figure out how fast I could drive without getting arrested or dead, and wondering what exactly I was going to do when I got to his house. The answer to that was to ring the doorbell and awkwardly tell him mom that I didn’t have time for the usual formalities (she was a very formal woman and there was always a huge song and dance of formalities when I came over) and that I needed to get into her son’s room right now because I thought he might have killed himself. His door was locked. His mom found an extra key. The details of everything kind of go out the window for me here. I think I may have checked out a little bit. In the end, he ended up living. He didn’t try again that I know of. He’s 21 now, like me, and he can legally make his own medical decisions. Luckily that includes getting help.

For a while after that incident, we were both raw. I don’t think I need to tell you that I still blame myself. I know that mental illness is a horrible monster, but I also know that I treated him unfairly and that his attempt being the night after I broke up with him wasn’t a coincidence. I can take responsibility for my actions and feel shame without believing that I’m 100% responsible.

All I can think of now though is how easily this could have been avoided. A million things could have stopped this. If I’d found the aro community a couple years earlier. If I’d seen even one example of someone who couldn’t feel romantic love not treated as a villain or as somebody who was broken. If the response to my worries of being evil or wrong or irredeemable had been met with anything other than “You’ll find the right person” or any other variation of love fixing me and being the answer. This isn’t a joke. This played with people’s lives.

So if anyone really wanted to know why I made this blog, it’s because of this story. You never know what consequences someone’s struggle can have, and somebody finding the aro community just a little bit earlier because of my blog could be life or death as far as I’m concerned. Not everyone’s lucky enough to come out of situations like this one alive and it’s our job as the community to protect each other until that protection isn’t needed anymore.

[panda-noosh]

ser•en•dip•it•y {part 6}{Matt Holt x Reader}

Words: 4725

Summary:  You and Matt used to be childhood best friends, but that hadn’t been the case for nearly four years now. Whenever your parents insist on going to the Holt family country home for the summer, you may be forced to face old feelings as Matt makes an appearance.

Pairing: Matt Holt x Reader

Notes: p1 - p2 - p3 - p4 - p5 - FINAL; yeehaw.

  Chapter 6

 You knew there was a definite sense of desperation in your system for you to have agreed to meet up with Keith Kogane during the summer. 

    You and Keith had never entirely had a friendship, per se. Both of you were well aware that the only time you two ever really spoke was whenever the other was in need of homework, or help with studying, and even then the conversation would be minor. Your relationship was based around lost library cards, college student mental breakdowns and passing pens to one another around the classroom after the teacher had already scolded you for not bringing one of your own.

    Never before had you met up with Keith outside of those circumstances, and the idea of doing so made you oddly nervous.

    You were a completely different person outside of the classroom. Whenever you were sat in front of the board, or crowded by books, you were focused. You had something to talk about. You could keep a manageable conversation up because there was a conversation to be had.

   Now, what if things went silent? You and Keith would meet up for coffee, and you’d just sit in an awkward silence, making dumb small talk until you finally realised how bad of an idea this was and left.

    That apparently hadn’t stopped you from agreeing, though.

    Keith had texted you the night after your conversation with Jamie, asking you if you’d like to meet up for coffee for a ‘quick catch up.’ You were puzzled by his choice of words - there was nothing to catch up on. You and Keith had never been caught up with each other, unless complaining about algebra equations was a suitable description of such a statement.

    You had sent back agreeing before you could argue yourself out of it, and now here you were - waiting for the black haired man to arrive.

    You wore a frilly, white summer shirt and high waisted, light blue jeans. It was fancier than you were used to, your summer wardrobe usually consisting of nothing but tank tops and shorts, but you felt like making an effort would be appreciated. Perhaps wearing something pretty would make your mood lift a little bit.

    You had to admit, being away from the house was helping matters much more than you thought they would. Finally being able to escape the non-stop tension that now brewed between everybody within those walls was like taking a breath of fresh air. 

    Keith arrived on time - it was you who had been early, insisting you get there before the acquired time so you could practice your greeting before Keith actually showed his face.

    But now here he was, his red jacket pulled on over a black shirt with a belted pair of brown trousers and boots; always the kid who wanted to be in the Garrison, and his clothing choice proved such a thing to you. He had once been a student at the Garrison, you were aware, but had dropped out shortly after and had gone back to public college to finish his degree.

    “Keith!” you exclaimed. He looked up from his phone and immediately his face brightened. He crossed the street with a light jog to his step before, taking you by complete surprise, he wrapped one arm around you and tugged you into a slightly awkward side hug.

    “Y/N! It’s so good to see you,” he said. You patted his stomach, unsure of what else to do. He pulled away and looked down at you, stuffing his phone back into the pockets of his Garrison gear. “Were you waiting long? I thought I got the time right, but my phone’s been playing up lately so I could be very, very late.”

    You chuckled, shaking your head. “No, no. I was a bit early, but I wasn’t waiting too long. Wanna go and get a drink?”

   He nodded an affirmative and the two of you waltzed back into the crowded coffee shop. It was a cosy place, leather sofas set up and candles lit on each one. Large, condensation-littered jugs of water had been set in the centre of each table, and you had to admit that they looked incredibly tempting.

    You ordered a hot chocolate at the counter, held it between your hands as if it was a cold winters day rather than scolding hot outside.

   Keith ordered a caramel mocha before you two found seats on the far side of the shop, away from all of the prying eyes that didn’t exist; nobody was looking at either of you, but you felt oddly scrutinised. Perhaps it was the reputation of Keith not wearing off just yet. He wasn’t exactly known for being the friendliest person in the school, though the time you had spent together - as meaningless as it was at the time - had shown you otherwise. 

    “Sorry for texting you so out of the blue,” Keith began, and you almost let out a sigh of relief at the immediate conversation. “My friend told me you wouldn’t mind if I texted you - Jamie. You might know him?”

    You took a sip of your hot chocolate to hide your laugh. “Jamie? It doesn’t ring a bell, but I’m glad he told you that. I was surprised, but it was nice. I haven’t seen anyone outside of my own family for nearly three weeks.”

     Keith frowned then, leaning back in the plush leather sofa. “Are you not staying with the Holt family for the summer like you always do?”

     You frowned. “How did you know?”

    “Everybody was riled up that Matthew Holt was back from the Garrison. He was the only one out of our class that passed the exams and managed to get in, so everybody wanted to see him, to ask him what it was like.” He shrugged. “Plus, you two were always so close. I just assumed that if anybody would have spoken to him, it would have been you.”

     Involuntarily, a blush crept along the edge of your throat and onto your cheeks. You wanted to change the subject, talk about anything other than the person Keith seemed to admire so much; looking into his violet eyes now, you saw that his opinion of Matt was nothing less than friendly. 

     “I am staying with him and his family, actually,” you replied. 

     Keith’s eyes popped open over the rim of his coffee cup. “Really? Did he tell you anything about his time at the Garrison?”

    “I’m surprised you’re so interested. Did you not spend a few months there?”

   Keith relaxed then, a lazy smile appearing on his lips as if he was happy that somebody had finally recognised his short time at the all-superior school of the Garrison.

     “I did, actually,” he replied. “Only a few months. It was a bit too - controlling for my taste.”

    You hummed. “I heard it can overwhelm people quite a bit.”

   “It wasn’t overwhelming,” he insisted, clearly trying to make himself out to seem a little bit tougher than he truly was. You found yourself amused by the way his voice rose an octave higher as he came to his own defence. “The teachers were assholes.”

    You laughed then. “Would you ever go back?”

    “I don’t think I’d be allowed back. I broke all kinds of rules whenever I left - it wasn’t exactly an organised departure.”

    “So the rumours are true? You just got up, stole one of their jets and left in the middle of the night?”

    Keith blushed, ducking his head down to look at his crossed legs. “Something like that. It was more difficult than that, but that’s the basic jidst of it.”

    You gawked. The rumours had been circulating campus for months after Keith arrived - or, reappeared would be a better term - but you had never believed any of them. The idea of somebody stealing from the Garrison - leaving the Garrison in general - was beyond your wildest imagination. The school was prestigious, one of the most difficult flight centres to get into. Anybody who had managed to get in didn’t just want to leave straight after. 

    And yet Keith Kogane was different, clearly, though you found yourself not entirely surprised. He didn’t seem like the type of guy who liked being pinned down to one thing, and by the sounds of the Garrison, it was an extremely difficult place to become comfortable in.

    “Is Matt enjoying his time there?” Keith asked, suddenly. You hadn’t realised that you had stopped talking, abruptly making the conversation end towards that awkward silence you were so adamant to avoid.

    You nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, he says it’s great. He worked hard to get into it, so I’m assuming he’s just taking every moment as he can.”

    “As he should do,” Keith said. “He was always passionate about flying, I remember. So were you at one point.”

    You blushed, remembering your thirteen-fourteen year old self, sitting beside Matt in the school playground, talking animatedly away about your dreams of overtaking the skies together. Your dreams of sitting side-by-side in a fighter jet, taking down enemies, saving the world.

    The mere idea of you in a jet made you cringe now, knowing your stance on the whole thing. 

     “Didn’t everyone want to be something stupid when they were younger?” you asked, a mild nudge in a different direction. You didn’t want to reminisce on your time with Matt, lest the truth of your and Matt’s strained relationship slipped through.

    Keith nodded. “I wanted to be a Galra.”

    You giggled, covering your mouth. “A Galra? Why would you want to be one of those?”

     “My mum was a big fan of the Galran lour,” Keith explained, nudging your knee slightly as you continued to laugh into your hand. “I read some of the books she brought home and thought they were just living the god damn life. It’s wild, I know.”

    “Such a boy thing to do.”

   Keith grinned. “Alright, Amelia Earhart. Going through space in your favourite rocket ship, or whatever way the song goes.”

    You gasped, flicking your foot out and kicking Keith in the shin. He laughed at the movement, pushing you back lightly. “A fighter jet, Keith. I wanted to pilot a fighter jet. A rocket ship and a jet are two very different things.”

    “You’d know,” he chuckled. “Nerd.”

  Your day with Keith went surprisingly well, you found. 

    Though the romantic air you had been worried would form had made no such appearance, that didn’t make the day any less meaningful. You realised, as Keith and you approached your front door, that a friendship could sometimes mean a whole lot more than any type of romantic relationship.

    The night air was settling over the two of you by now, eleven o’clock spinning around all too quickly for you to comprehend. The day had ended in a fit of giggles in the middle of the park after Keith had insisted on trying to paint with mud. He had ended up nearly sinking within the mud put, and you had been forced to drag him out, getting your own outfit dirty in the process.

    But it was friendly, and you hadn’t realised how much you craved such a connection with somebody over the past three weeks. 

    The lights from the summer home came into view as you pushed open the metal gate and led Keith into the garden. He had expressed his refusal to go inside of the house, worried he would either bump into your parents or wake them up, and you had agreed. Leading Keith Kogane into the same house as Matt seemed like an awful idea, especially when you were covered from head-to-toe in sun-dried mud.

    “So I guess this is goodnight,” Keith said as you two approached the lit-up door. You turned to him, placing your hands in front of you as you smiled.

    “Seems so,” you replied. “I hope we can do this again soon, Keith. I had a good time.”

    “So did I,” he said. “Even though you insisted on giving me an extremely detailed run-down of the mechanics of a fighter jet.”

    You shoved his shoulder. “And don’t you forget any of it. I’ll be testing you when we get back on campus.”

    “I’ll make sure to study.” The two of you chuckled lightheartedly, the air dim around you, calm. The calmest it had been around you in weeks. It felt good, like a boulder had been lifted from your shoulders and discarded elsewhere, allowing you to just feel again.

    As you and Keith shared your final goodbyes, the door behind you opened.

    You turned, expecting Jamie to be there, or even your parents. They always managed to say thank you to the person who brought you home safely - they were just those types of people.

    But your stomach flipped whenever you met the beaming, tired eyes of Matt Holt, standing by the door with his buff arms folded over his shoulders.

    “Matt,” you squeaked before you could stop yourself. “What are you still doing downstairs?”

    “I told your parents I’d make sure you got home safely,” he replied, his eyes trailing over Keith in an almost sinister way - as if Keith were prey.

    You had a sudden urge to scold him, to tell him to mind his own business because it was no secret why he was doing this - he was either wanting a fight with you, or wanting a fight with Keith.

    Going by the look on his face now, it was Keith he was wanting to hit more.

    “Well, I’m home,” you said. “You can go to bed now. I can get myself tucked in nice and cosy all on my own.”

    Keith frowned. “I should go-”

    “Why is there mud all over your shirt?” Matt said. His voice wasn’t stern - Matthew Holt was incapable of sounding angry - and his fingers weren’t rough as they plucked at the frills of your white shirt, frowning at the mess that had been made.

    You shoved his hand away before pressing your palms into his shoulders, pushing him back into the house. “No reason, Matt. Go to bed. I just need to say goodnight to Keith and-”

   “You need to get clean clothes on before the bugs start biting at your skin,” said Matt, and before you could even turn to say your final goodbye to Keith, Matt had slammed the door shut and was locking it.

    You stood behind him, totally in shock and disbelief that Matt - the Matt, the kind hearted man who wouldn’t hurt a fly if his life depended on it - was being so rude to a person he barely even knew. Somebody who had gone out of their way to make sure you got home safely and in one piece, and he was treating him like shit.

     Matt turned after the final lock was done up, trailed his eyes over your mud stained outfit and sighed. “I’ll get you some water whilst you get out of those clothes. How long have you been in them? I need to know how long to put the spin on.”

    He attempted to walk past you, but your hand shot out and grabbed his wrist before he could get much further. He stopped abruptly, stumbling a little bit at the sudden contact, but you were utterly seething, in disbelief.

    “What the hell was that, Matt?”

    He raised a brow, and your blood only boiled to a much more extreme extent. You wanted to scream, wanted answers, wanted to kiss him all at the same time.

    It was an odd feeling. Seeing him being jealous was satisfying in the sense that you knew you weren’t insane for feeling the same - if Matt had come home with a girl, you knew full well you’d probably be acting the exact same way.

    But it was Keith, and you had firmly established that Keith was nothing more than your friend. Keith knew that, as well. Matt should have known that.

     “I don’t know what you mean,” he replied after a moment.

    You gritted your teeth. “Matt, this isn’t funny. Whatever it is you’re doing, I don’t want to be a part of it, okay? Let me do what I want, or stay out of my life.”

    The words burned. The idea of Matt exiting your life - at your request, as well - was heartbreaking, but you stood your ground. You kept your eyes firm on his, never once looking away, even as you saw the bold emotion that he once held within them shatter completely.

    “Go get out of those clothes,” he mumbled at last. “Bring them down and I’ll wash them.” He pulled his arm out of your grip, ran his eyes over you one last time before he headed into the kitchen, leaving you stunned in the centre of the living room.

    Despite the exhaustion that rattled your bones, you did as Matt said.

    You could have easily flopped down onto your mattress and gone to bed in the clothes you wore, as dirty as they were, but you knew Matt had been right in telling you to change. The bugs that no doubt littered the fabric now was bound to get you sick if you let them linger for too long. 

    You shed the clothes and got changed into a pair of night shorts and a tank top, turning on the ceiling fan in your room before exiting and heading back into the kitchen with your bundle of dirty clothes still in your hands.

     By the silence of the house, everybody bar you and Matt had gone to bed. You could hear Jamie and Pidge talking in hushed whispers inside their room, but you knew they would be like that for hours now. You wouldn’t have to worry about either of them coming out to ask you about your day out.

    Matt stood over the washing machine, adding in the detergent. He hadn’t turned around before you were coming up to the side of him and placing your bundle of clothes into it.

    “There. I did as you said,” you grumbled. You turned lazily, your bones creaking and complaining with every step you took. Despite having been on a hike almost everyday for the past three weeks, you were still incredibly unused to running around and losing breath and being active. You were a college student; free time to do such activities was not a luxury you could afford.

    “Y/N, wait a second,” Matt suddenly called out. Against your better judgement, you stopped and turned to look at him.

    He was still leaning over the washing machine, hands gripping the edges with his shoulders rising and falling, indicating his heavy breathing. You had the urge to reach out and place a comforting hand on his shoulder, not enjoying seeing him look so broken, so lost, but you stood your ground and folded your arms over your chest.

    “What?”

    He flinched at the harshness of the single word. “We should talk. I don’t want to keep fighting like this.”

    “That’s the point I’ve been trying to make,” you grumbled.

    He turned around now, looking at you with mildly bloodshot eyes that indicated his own exhaustion. He was fighting it off to speak to you.

     “At dinner the other day, we were both being childish. If we want to sort this out, we shouldn’t do it whilst yelling over our families heads - it’s not fair on them.”

    “I know.”

    “So let’s talk now. Here. Like adults.”

    Your fingers dug into the flesh of your upper arm. “Matt, I don’t even know where to begin.”

    “Pick a random place. Tear me apart. Just talk.”

    The desperation in his voice startled you. You swallowed down the lump in your throat and sighed, letting your head fall to look at your arms, which were bumped with goose flesh despite the warm weather.

     “I don’t want to do long distance, Matt. That’s all there is to it. There’s nothing I can say.”

     Matt nodded slowly, as if hearing those words for the first time, finally understanding them, You could tell by the way his knuckles suddenly grew white against the edge of the washing machine that he was struggling to come to terms with such a thing, but you respected that he was at least seeing things from your perspective.

    Your voice wobbled when you spoke. “What about you? What do you want?”

    His Adam’s apple bobbed, and suddenly he couldn’t meet your eyes. It was like looking at a child up on stage during their first Nativity play - nervous, unsure of what to do, waiting for their turn to speak with the most neutral expression on their face.

    “Do you want to hear the honest truth?”

    You nodded. “Always.”

    “I want to be with you, and I don’t think it’s selfish of me to want that,” he said, and your breath hitched. You had expected it - he had made his feelings very cleat, but hearing them so open and unfiltered had your heart beat slamming against your rib cage.

    He took a step closer to you. You fought the urge to back up, the heat from his body clashing with yours in a way that made your head swim.

    “I’ve wanted to be with you since we were - what? - fourteen? Probably even younger than that. Back then I didn’t know what it was I was feeling, or why I was feeling it, and we had spent so much of our time together denying that we were in a relationship, that I just kind of always believed that was how it was - me and you, friends. And I loved every minute of my friendship with you, Y/N, and I will take a platonic friendship over nothing any day, but god fighting off my feelings for you even after we lost touch was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.”

   “Matt-”

   “I went to the Garrison because it was my dream to go to the Garrison. You knew that.”

    “I was so selfish whenever you told me about your dream to go there, Matt. I’ve apologised for it before, but-” 

    He stepped closer still, until you were forced to look up at him to meet his eyes. “And I will forgive you for it a thousand times over if it means we can have something.”

     Your breath hitched all over again, and you were positive your heart had stopped beating in your chest. You always knew he was poetic - he was a Holt. None of them knew how to form a sentence that didn’t have a hint of Shakespeare to it - but this was different. This was so, so much different and it made your body ache and your fingers twitch with a need to pull him closer to you, with a need to feel his skin against yours in the way you had felt in the lake that god forsaken day whenever you had made one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

    “You’re leaving at the end of the summer,” you whispered, your voice cracking. “I don’t want to go through that. Don’t make me go through that.”

    Matt closed his eyes, and almost absentmindedly, he reached down and tangled your fingers together. They fit perfectly. You wanted to cry.

    “I can promise you here and now, on every grave, that I will not just forget about you once I go back to school. I couldn’t forget about you four years ago, and I definitely can’t forget about you now.”

     Your lower lip wobbled. “I’m scared.”

     “Y/N, if it doesn’t work out-” He opened his eyes then and dragged your hand upwards, pressing it to the left side of his chest. You could feel the sweat through his shirt, feel his heartbeat beneath your fingertips. “-I give you permission to break my heart, okay? If being away from me makes you feel any sense of loneliness, like you can’t carry on the relationship, it would be my fucking honour to have you shatter my heart. But we can give it a chance if you want that, too. We can try this.”

     Your mouth had run dry. Your brain had already made up its decision, but the erratic beating of your heart was swerving you in an all-different direction. 

     Nevertheless, you found yourself curling your fingers in the fabric of his shirt, just to feel something - anything - beneath them at this point. Your head was dizzy with the memories of that night on the lake, his lips against yours and his hands roaming your body in the way that felt so oddly right and scandalous and wrong all at the same time.

    But there was nothing wrong about how you felt right now. Nothing scandalous or disapproved. You were so young, yet so sure and set-out upon your feelings - you had been sure of your feelings since you even knew what feelings were, what having a crush on somebody consisted of. You had joked about kooties, told everyone you would rather kiss Slav than go out with Matt Holt, but it had all been childish games back then.

    Oh, how you wished you could go back to childish games.

    You inhaled deeply. “I’ll give it my best shot.”

    There was nothing else needed to be said - not really. You felt Matt’s heart stutter beneath his shirt, before his hands were falling from your own and placing themselves on your waist.

    “You’re sure?”

    You nodded, biting your lip to hide the smile that was threatening to curl onto your features now. “I’m definitely sure.”

   “Thank God.”

    And then his lips were on yours, at long last. The kiss was soft, but as the realisation kicked in that everybody was asleep, that nobody would walk in you now, you both took the chance. His hands slip beneath the fabric of your shirt, rested on the bare skin of your waist as he span you around and pushed you into the fridge, pressing his own chest to yours shortly after.

    You gasped against the sudden coolness that slapped at your back, arching forward into Matt just a little. He groaned, lips never leaving yours but becoming increasingly messy as his mouth opened.

    Your hands roamed through his hair, tugging on strands, pulling him back before chasing his lips and pressing them back together again in a way that clearly drove the Holt boy absolutely mad - this breaking of lips and coming right back for more was going to bring both of you to an early grave at some point.

     Matt released one hand from your waist and placed it at the side of your head on the fridge. He leaned back then, the kiss fading into small pecks that consisted of breaking apart, staring into each others eyes, before pecking the others lips only slightly, and repeating the process until the laughter that was bubbling up inside of you made the movement impossible.

    Matt was panting as he leaned his forehead against yours. “I - I needed that tonight.”

    You nodded. “And what are best friends for, Matthew Holt?”

   He snarled - a most attractive noise coming out of his mouth, if you were to say so yourself. “I don’t ever want to hear you call me best friend again.”

    You grinned. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

    He slammed his lips back to yours all over again, lifted you up and you squealed. Matt laughed loudly, pulling away to place a startled glance up the stairs. You shrugged, tugging at his collar and pulling him back towards you.

    That night, Matt slept in your bed, and it was the best nights sleep you had ever gotten. 

[spitexwired]

Neil J. Spennadel (Spiel)

—    BASICS.

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  TALL  /   SHORT  /   AVERAGE?

Even when he was all of 9 he was the tallest kid in his class. And when he finally did stop growing he was a good.. 6 foot 2? Not even that. He was a lanky ass kid until puberty hit him like a mac truck and now he actually has fat to make sure he just doesn’t trip all over himself. Now he just does it with more ummpth. 

▸     ARE  THEY  OKAY  WITH  THEIR   HEIGHT?

Yes and no. HE feels like he sticks out like a sore thumb wherever he goes. But now he can pick up his short friends with almost no effort. (A lie: he can barely lift above a 20 pound computer without dying) 

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE?

A poofy, curly mess. It sticks right up in the air no matter what he doesn to make it stop. (Except getting it wet, then he has a ton worth of wet hair weighing him down.) Sometimes, if it gets long enough, it can easily pass his shoulders because by that point, it starts bending and working like actual hair should, going down. Ish. 

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     / GROOMING?

yes. Not taking 3 hours in the bathroom, more like trying to keep up appearances so people don’t start asking questions. The only drastic thing he’s done with it was put makeup under his eyes so the eyebags aren’t as noticeable. 

▸     DOES  YOUR  MUSE  CARE  ABOUT  THEIR  APPEARANCE  /  WHAT  OTHERS   THINK?

he tries to take care of himself so he doesn’t look like he crawled out of a dumpster. After a lifetime of his mother’s comments on how shitty he looked, and whispers and laughter in the back of classrooms, he grew self conscious of every little thing he did. 

Slowly Neil learned that most of the stuff he did wouldn’t mater, because they would always do those things anyway, so he stopped caring. Sometimes he still spends time on his appearance, but it’s for him. Just him. 

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS  OR   OUTDOORS?

Indoors. Despite Camp Campbell and how much he loved it, mother nature has never been his friend and probably never will. He still goes out sometimes. 

▸     RAIN  OR   SUNSHINE?  

sun showers. 

▸     FOREST  OR   BEACH?

forest. 

▸     PRECIOUS  METALS  OR   GEMS?

Precious metals. He could potentially make money out of it by making something new. 

▸     FLOWERS  OR   PERFUMES?

flowers.

▸  PERSONALITY  OR   APPEARANCE?

Personality, he doesn’t even think that much on appearance until it just suddenly drops on him that ‘oh yea person B is kinda ho- WAIT. FUCK!’

▸     BEING  ALONE  OR  BEING  IN  A   CROWD?

being alone. 

▸     ORDER  OR   ANARCHY?

despite how he talks? Anarchy. Because, in his option, you can still have order in anarchy. 

▸   PAINFUL  TRUTHS  OR  WHITE   LIES?

painful truths. 

▸     SCIENCE  OR   MAGIC?

science, because, and he’s still stubborn about this: magic does not exist. 

▸     PEACE  OR   CONFLICT?  

conflict. There’s no such thing as a good story without conflict. 

▸     NIGHT  OR   DAY?

night. 

▸     DUSK  OR   DAWN?

dawn. 

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD?

cold.

▸   MANY  ACQUAINTANCES  OR  A  FEW  CLOSE   FRIENDS?

a few close friends. 

▸   READING    OR    PLAYING    A   GAME?

Reading. 

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS?

He picks at his clothes and blankets until they’re reduced down to a few threads. 

On a similar vein, he chews on his shirt/sweater sleeves if they’re long enough, which is why he doesn’t fear long sleeves, just a jacket if it’s cold.

binge eating / binge drinking. 

Neil looses things all the time weather accidental or not, which frustrates him because this never happens unless things aren’t in their place. 

▸     HAS  YOUR  MUSE  LOST  ANYONE  CLOSE  TO THEM?   HOW  HAS  IT  AFFECTED THEM?

He had a great aunt, who, in Cilla’s words, was older than time, but Neil learned bits and pieces of sign language just to talk to her a little more. Not much in common, but he was down when she died. So much so that he refused to go to most of the family gatherings if he could help it. Wouldn’t be worth it. 

▸     WHAT  ARE  SOME  FOND  MEMORIES  YOUR  MUSE HAS?

In the early mornings when Neil woke up the same time as Cilla, because of how loud she is, he got to join Dad eating breakfast at 6am. he learned how to make cinnamon rolls on a day like that when he was older. 

Others include back when he was near 9/10 years old and get taught how to be ‘self sufficient’ which meant chores, getting ready by himself, and things she never had time to do. 

Looking back Neil knows she was just tired of.. well, parenting, and thinks she could leave kids on autopilot with no mishaps, but he sill enjoyed it. After all, it was one of the only bonding moments he got to have with his mom at that age. 

▸     IS  IT  EASY  FOR  YOUR  MUSE  TO KILL?

No

▸      WHAT’S  IT  LIKE  WHEN  YOUR  MUSE  BREAKS  DOWN?

These aren’t as common as it used to be, thanks to him learning how to have minor fallouts at night time and alone time, but when he does have breakdowns, they come in 3 parts. 

1- completely isolates himself. Locked in his room, or skipping school to just sit inside some restaurant and take 8 hours to eat a basket of fries.

2- this step usually happens if he can’t isolate himself: i.e. go to school. Lashes out at anyone who provokes him, bursts into tears or runs right out of the room to find a quiet place to stim/scream in peace. Usually in that order. 

3- normally a ‘post meltdown’ scenario. Acts completely normal, hell, maybe even more relaxed and such. This I more of a ‘pent up everything’ mode so even then, the tiniest thing can send him right back to step 2. 

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  CAPABLE  OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE  WITH  THEIR LIFE?

he’s done it twice and regretted it both times. Probably won’t ever get there, but he still has a wall down, just in case. 

▸      WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN LOVE?

So obvious it hurts. Blushing, not able to get a single word out, tripping over air? the whole nine yards. It might take awhile for him to admit he’s in love, which balances it out. Sort of. 

TAGGED  : @fuckthcpolice 

TAGGING  : @fcralnaturcd @scienceloved @sleepypeaknurse

[jessjessjojess]

2018. A mixed bunch.

Settle in for quite a story children... 

So its pretty early in the year for one of these yearly roundups (I can guarantee I’ll be doing another one in like December) but I have the extra time on my hands, so why not. 

2018 can seriously get stuffed, but then also (after I’ve meditated and thought about it) have a little (actually minuscule) cuddle. Let me clarify, this year has been absolutely shite, but it’s given me a lot of time (many thousands of hours) to reflect on who I am, who I want to be, and what I should do. Sense a common theme, its I, of course it is because I’m a millennial (or the one that comes right after that one) so I’m very egotistical (I’m working on it, I bought a book). 

Let me give you a play by play, great January, did my usual tan, beach, sleep, repeat motto, with a splatter of sport in there for good measure. the problem came in February. It was my birthday (5th in case your wondering), and a girl came, we were pretty good friends, but we’d had a bit of an issue over a boy of course (I thought she was a snake, she thought I was pathetic, that fun stuff that girls do to each other because society tells us we are in competition with each other). Anyway she showed up to my dinner, (so did the boy because I suck) and she did not speak to me, which left me so pissed, at least have the decency to say happy birthday. So in response to this I said absolutely nothing (because I’m so freaking British), but I thought some awful things, (which of course left me with some really bad karma obviously displayed by the next weeks events). 

I have my birthday and my kids at school are cute and buy me presents and everything is great until the 8th February 2018, when I quite literally sat down and could stand up again. Skip to the 11th when I am in A&E with a broken ankle, FROM SITTING DOWN, 6 hours, a moon boot, and a pair of crutches later, I’m home not happy. So at this point I am just noticing what a joke my life is, when I realise I can’t drive, its my right foot, I can’t work, drive or walk, happy 23rd birthday Jess. I mean its not really that bad if it was a broken ankle but it wasn’t. One month later I still didn’t have a diagnosis, other than “it’s not broken, but the MRI is showing the joint is really not happy.” The rest of me wasn’t really jumping of the walls either. But let’s leave the ankle for now because 2018 had so much more instore for me.

You know the saying when it rains, it pours, weelllll I’d never really bought it until now, I mean it didn’t hail on me or anything but i was very freaking wet. We are into March now, I get a call from the hospital, I get excited thinking it’s about my ankle (note: it definitely wasn’t), which I still didn’t know what was happening with. I’ve been recommended for a Gastroscopy, (if you don’t what that is, its a camera on a tube that they put down your throat to look at your insides -sounds fun right? It’s not). They want me to have my gastroscopy next week, I have to explain I’m in a moon boot, they really don’t care, but I have something to take my mind of my ankle, this wild minor surgery that has appeared. All is sweet, I don’t really worry too much because its about my anaemia, which honestly is like the least of my health problems. Even the surgeon thinks its a joke that I’m there, quote “it’s weird your here, I probably won’t find anything, this seems extreme”. He was just filling me with confidence, which he promptly knocked down after surgery with “we found something, its not great, we need to run some further tests, you’ll hear from us this week. Oh and your have Coeliac Disease. CATCHYAAAAA.” Okay I embellished the end there, but that’s was it felt like. Upon a lot of googling the words on the piece of paper he handed me, Dr Google informed me I had 2 tumours in my stomach, and an auto-immune disease which meant that when i ate gluten (literally every meal), my body attacked itself. 

I had a week of absolute torture wondering what these tumours meant for my future (also had a breakdown in a supermarket when I realised that Cadbury chocolate may contain gluten!!), but then I got the call, yesssss they were all clear, but I was now booked in for a COLONOSCOPY in a months time. It was basically the same dealio as gastroscopy, but instead of the mouth they use your butthole. Now I’m no prude, people have seen my bum before, I mean I’ve had laser hair removal, but this felt so intrusive. Turned out the colonoscopy part is absolutely nothing, but the colon prep is a whole different ball game. I’m not going to get too gross, but I definitely felt VERY empty afterwards. ANYWAY colonoscopy is something I can check of the bucket list (not that it should ever be on there.) So they say bad things come in threes, I figure ankle, coeliac disease, and tumours, I’ve got to be clear right? NOPPPEEE they found another 2 tumours, I’ll cut to the chase quickly one was clear, one was pre-cancerous. Which means FUN I get to have colonoscopy every 3 years FOREVER, and if you missed it before I’m 23, so thats a whole lot of butt stuff! 

After March, I spent most of April moping, as I couldn’t work, or drive myself anywhere, in the self pity of my bedroom. In May though I finally got to see an ankle specialist, 10 weeks after going into the moon boot, who confirmed I would need ankle surgery. I was torn because I finally had a solution, but i knew I would still have to wait some time for the surgery, in fact almost 3 months. FINALLY on August 3rd I went under for my ankle arthroscopy and reconstruction, I was rapped. Lets be honest surgery and recovery are pretty shit, but at least I was in recovery now and I could get back to normal soon. 

That’s all the bad stuff out of the way now to talk about what made my 2018 a mixed bunch. I’m a high school maths and science teacher at the moment, and don’t get me wrong I love the teaching part of my job, I could spend everyday in the classroom, and never feel like I was working a day. However, I’m a bit like Australia, I’m not very good a politics. As a young woman, who is pretty driven, strong-willed, and kind of loud, I’d never had to deal with too much politics in the workplace. I’d been in hospitality at a theme park for the 5 years prior, as long as you weren’t obviously drunk when you showed up for your shift you were good. But in a school, especially one as big as mine there is a lot of people to please, and not all of those people have opinions and values that match yours, which can be a bit shit to be honest. As I mentioned before I’m not a shy girl, my entire life I’ve been called bossy, annoying and assertive, but I’m rude and I would never go out of my way to make someone else uncomfortable,  but that was not the opinion others had of me. This something we struggle with everywhere, women who are confident and driven are seen as arrogant, and “stuck-up”, and I was a bit sick of it. I started to look inwards towards the end of May, what did I want from life, who did I want to be, and what kind of legacy did I want to leave behind. The answer to most of these questions was not teaching, and I started to think back to high school and university, remembering my dream of becoming a surgeon, and as i did this i realised that was still something I was really passionate about. 

Goals and dreams are such difficult things to deal with, because once you starting thinking about it, it’s like giving away a part of you, you want it so bad you don’t know how you cope if you fail. But here’s the thing I’m learning it’s hard to reach for your dreams but if you don’t give it a crack then you’ll never know, it will always be playing on the back of your mind. I made the decision to start working towards getting into medical school, it’s not going to be easy it’s going to be a lot of work, and a long time coming, but when you feel something is right everything else is easier. 

We are definitely into the second half of the year now, and I’m definitely feeling more positive, I’m happier and lighter to be working towards something I’m passionate and excited about. My next focus is going to be on inner stillness, and finding myself in the present, focusing on living in the now, while creating a better and more exciting future. Moral of this story is you can deal with shit and come out better and stronger, sometimes the hard times are exactly what you needed to create a better you. Be your own role model, work hard, love hard, treat yo’self, and love yo’self. 

Well, if anyone made it this far, thanks for reading my story, I would love any ideas, feedback or advice you guys may have, and I will update you again probably in December!  

[madam-mess]

Philosophy Pt. 1

Fandom: Overwatch

Pairing: Doomfist/ Lucio

Summary: When Akande is assigned as the professor for an introduction to philosophy class, the last thing he expects is to find a man he’s been sleeping with in the front row.

Notes: Here is the obligatory Teacher/Student Au that only I asked for :D I’m going to be trying my hand at a multi chapter fic. The chapters will be pretty short so I can update a few times a week. This is in the same universe as “Surprises” so I’ve linked it as a prequel. 

Rating: Teen (Explicit chapters later on)

Part: Prequel(explicit)  1 2 3(explicit) 4(explicit) 5 6 7 8 9(explicit) 10(explicit) 11 12 13(end)

Akande was used to this. The second he walks into his classroom the chatter that had been going on quickly stops. All eyes are on him as he makes his way to the front of the the lecture hall. He knew he had a presence about him. He bordered on seven feet tall, was built like a professional weightlifter, and had a resting face that could scare off anyone he met. “Good afternoon, class,” he begins, setting a stack of papers down on the podium, “Welcome to Introduction to Philosophy. I am Professor Ogundimu.” His voice is low and has an authoritative tone to every word, leaving his students silent and staring.

He looks over the class of students, likely all freshmen or sophomores. “Are there any philosophy majors here? Please raise your hand.” As expected, more staring from his students with not a single hand raised. He feels slightly annoyed. It was a difficult subject to teach, even more so when the students were not interested in the material. “Minors?” He asks, his hopes being only slightly alleviated when a girl in the third row raises her hand. “Only one person,” he muses with a hard frown. One hundred and twenty people in a class and only one person with the slightest interest. He loathed teaching introductory classes.

“No matter,” he starts up again, taking a moment to pull up a PowerPoint slide on the projector at the front before picking up the stack of syllabi to hand them out. “This is a copy of your syllabus. Please take one and pass it down the row. On it will be a schedule of my office hours, your final grade breakdown, testing policies, and the university’s academic honesty agreement.”

Akande approaches the first row, not paying much attention as he hands several papers from the stack to the student on the side closest to him. A familiar voice draws his attention with an almost playful sounding, “Thank you professor.” It causes his stomach to drop as his eyes lock onto the young man in front of him.

Lucio had not payed attention to the instructor entering the room, but as soon as he heard the man's voice he couldn't help but grin. It was one that the sophomore had grown quite used to in the past few months, though usually in a much different setting.

He met Akande in a bar almost three months ago. Since then, the two men had been meeting fairly regularly. It was not anything serious. The two would usually go to dinner, or sometimes straight to one of their apartments, spend the night together, then be on their separate ways the next morning. Lucio wouldn't exactly call it dating, more so they were friends who liked to have casual sex, but it was exclusive as far as the young man knew.

Lucio stares up at his professor with a grin that only gets larger at the slightly shocked expression on Akande's face. The older man had never told Lucio what he did for a living, and the student realizes now it was likely because he knew where Lucio went to school.

Akande clears his throat, tearing his eyes from Lucio as he attempts to regain his composure and conduct class. “I understand that many of you were looking forward to having class with Zenyatta Tekhartha, but unfortunately professor Tekhartha has had a death in the family and is taking a semester off. So I have taken over this class.” Akande had only gotten the news from the Dean a week ago that he would be teaching Zenyatta’s class. It was a bit comical to him really. Zenyatta was a student favorite in the philosophy department and almost the opposite of Akande. He was young, kind, and approachable, making him a perfect candidate to teach lower division classes.

“I want you all to understand that I am not professor Tekhartha. I will not be curving your assignments. You will have three 1,000 word essays throughout the semester, a midterm, and a final that will make up the entirety of your grade. My teaching assistant Mr. Shimada can schedule any review sessions that he sees fit,” he says, glancing to the front room at the green haired teen who seems to be doodling in a notebook. At the mention of his name, he looks up, giving a brief wave to the class.

He lets out a quiet sigh, walking back to the front of the class and standing at the podium once again. “There will be no extra credit assignments in this course. Do not show up at my office at the end of the semester asking for a higher grade,” he says sternly, trying to ignore the short young man on the front row who is grinning at him despite his serious tone, “In my class, you get what you get.”

[thesecretheadteacher]

Who is who in the school system? Part 1 - the classroom.

For many people outside of education, despite having been through it as a child, it may all seem a bit confusing. This is especially the case when it comes to who is who behind the curtain of education. So here is my light-hearted beginners’ guide to the key players in school life, Part 1 the classroom.

***Warning some elements may contain tongues in cheeks***

1. The pupils: now as anyone involved in education will tell you, these are the most important people in the whole system. And sometimes this is even true! However, on many occasions it isn't, a lot of the time they seem to have been sent to try our patience. They can be broken down into different categories:

- The eager ones (usually female): these are the pupils who complete every assignment you set, and do it well, even that ‘build a motte and bailey castle over the holidays’ project that you thought nobody would do. They arrive back with a scaled model that looks like it would stand a good chance of winning the RIBA Stirling Prize. These monsters create almost half of the marking you end up having to do! They remember every ill-thought out promise you ever made and remind you of it. They also tell their parents far too much about what goes on in your lessons! Handy for observation lessons, work scrutiny and visitors.

- The lazy ones (usually male): this group shows no interest in anything you do. I believe they are in some sort of mental shutdown to conserve energy until they can go home and get back on their Xbox. When covering a topic like American Politics, you could have arranged for a personal visit from Barack Obama to explain the concept of the separation of power, but this would be met with a shrug and “meh”. Recent research has shown that they can be brought briefly to life with the promise of watching a Youtuber cement his head into a microwave oven at the end of the lesson if they complete a whole sentence.

- The ADHD child: they tend not to make much difference to the first 10 mins of the lesson as they haven't arrived. Once they do, however, then the fun begins: getting the coat off, sitting in the right seat, opening their book, why are you out of your seat again? No you can’t go the toilet, how did your pen leak? They will often seek to answer every question, not with the answer, but with some random experience they have had. These students are often the most difficult to teach but also the most likeable.

- The odd ones: this is a broad group of students ranging from the ‘too cool for school’ types to the downright bizarre. They operate in a different world that someone like us wouldn't understand and they believe they are living through the worst traumas life could throw at them (for a minority this could be something significant but for many, especially the Sebastians or Darcys, it might be that they are only going on one skiing holiday this year). This trauma usually manifests itself in their appearance - emo, goth or whatever the latest version of teenage angst is. Though often just one in a class they will gather in together at break and lunchtimes to share this angst of life and black nail varnish. They did enjoy a brief period of popularity when the Twilight Saga was in the cinemas.

2. The teachers: we have all had our own experience of different types of teachers ranging from the Mr Chips / Dead Poets’ Society through to the blubbering wreck of a supply teacher mid-breakdown.

- The Newly Qualified Teacher (NQT): these are the lambs to the slaughter - bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking younger and younger each year. They are a product of the modern school system - they have no recollection of smoking in the staffroom, having to cover another teacher every time you were free, getting high from the banda machine, gathering in the hall to watch the school telly (in secure frame and on its stand), running sports teams every weekend. They have come to change the world - pupil by pupil! They are usually without a family so will happily spend each evening reading educational blogs, updates and research, then planning wonderfully creative lessons and resources. This makes them ideal to befriend and ‘mentor’ a) as you will then have access to all their lessons and resources and b) despite their efforts, they are hopeless at dealing with behaviour, especially that difficult Year 9 class - which you have eating out of the palm of your hand. Quid pro quo.

- The cynic: these were once the NQTs but are now just shy of being able to retire as they had to re-mortgage in order to pay off their ex-partner. They are a malevolent force within a school, like a growing cloud of doom. They will greet every initiative with derision, usually making a comment about how “we have done this years ago” and “it didn't work back then”. They are looking to make life as easy as possible and so their lessons consist of a TES downloaded PowerPoint or faded worksheets that pre-date the Magna Carta. Can often be found leaving at 3.02pm and take great joy in ‘sticking it to the man’. Likes real ale.

- Mr or Mrs Perfect: these are a very rare breed but most schools have at least one of them. They are the staff that just seem to have cracked it. Their lessons are amazing, the students love them, their marking is not only done but done properly and they still find time to run after-school intervention, revision and extra-curricular activities. They embrace change and bring an energy to the school. All the parents want their child taught by them and, in most other walks of life, they would be drug tested for this level of performance. Avoid mixing with ‘the cynic’.

3. The support staff: thanks to the government’s chronic underfunding of education over the last 8 years, this group of staff are becoming rarer and rarer!

- The teaching assistant (TA): the good, the bad and the cardi. TAs are amongst the lowest paid and in some ways least valued members of staff and they can be a real mix.

The good are invaluable: they identify where they can add most value to your lesson - whether that is helping prepare resources, working with individuals or groups to address the failures of your teaching, or heading off behaviour issues before they begin (like the secret service of classroom support). They love working with children and make the children and the teacher better and more effective. Sadly they tend to not be around long as their many skills often lead them into teacher training.

The bad are a nightmare: their contribution to any lesson is usually negative. They often don't like the pupils and manage to turn your calm and orderly classroom into a war zone in just a few words and actions. They also don't like the teacher and resent the fact that the teacher is paid so much more than they are and for doing what? Standing there yapping on! They will invariably be late to lessons, will start talking loudly whilst you are mid-teaching sentence, shout at children they don't like - setting the cherubs off. They also spend much of break and lunchtime spreading their negativity and after school will gossip to anybody who will listen. Often to be found alongside the cynic.

The cardi: these are the cardigan wearing brigade. They have been at the school for centuries and are known and loved by all. They have worked with every generation of every large family at the school. They know were everything is within the school and are the go-to point of contact and advice on anything. In smaller schools, they are the glue that holds everything together. Like a cross between Les Dawson’s Cissie and Aida and Mary Poppins.

- The technicians: these are a very unique group. They share DNA with coach drivers and museum staff in so far as the usual have a pathological dislike of children.

The science technicians reside in their prep rooms where all manner of chemicals and scientific equipment can be found, or at least could be found if you were allowed in but they guard these rooms like a mythological Kraken. Frodo and Sam had an easier task than those students sent to the prep room on a message or to ask for additional equipment. The skeleton in the corner of these prep rooms is not a teaching tool but the remains of the last teacher to ask for lab equipment without completing the request form 3 weeks earlier.

The IT technicians also often have their own room or cave often set out with multiple screens and resembling the headquarters of a Bond villain. Their dislike of young people is only eclipsed in scale by their ability to be sarcastic. The legendary sarcasm can be combined very effectively with a look of combined disgust, disbelief and derision by anyone who suggests a possible solution or asks an ‘ignorant’ IT-based question. They love to hear people suggest “you should turn it off and on again”.

[english-ext-2]

In the grand scheme of things, is high school really that important? I know you're soon finishing your university degree, so I'd just like to hear your thoughts. Hope you have a great day X

This is an intriguing question despite it often being asked, and I know the answer will depend greatly on the person’s circumstances. I can only offer what I know and have lived, and it might be long and rambly and not what you’re looking for, but here it is.

In the grand scheme of things, high school is not terribly important. Its importance diminishes with temporal distance; the more the years between it and you widen, so does your regard of it. In 2014, right after I’d graduated, I spent much of the year doubled over with nostalgia, unable to let go of what I perceived to be a “better” time. I’d grown used to the intensely academic bubble of high school, cocooned from the consequences of my social ineptitude by the small circle of my regular friends whom I saw and talked to every day. I’d grown comfortable with how things were: ranking well in my subjects, few close friends, quality conversation with them, what more could I want?    

Not to mention, Year 12 was chock full of memories that I considered very important and precious. I wanted the relationships I’d made that year to carry on, for the good fortune to push me onward to uni. But when I got there it under and overwhelmed me; being slow to adapt, I found it hard to make friends or even to make an effort to make friends. The lectures and tutorials lacked the close-knit atmosphere of my high school classes, and the teachers didn’t seem to care. The newfound freedom which had looked so attractive became a prison instead; I didn’t know what to do with my free time apart from contemplate my imminent failure as a bona fide adult. My friendship group was gone, had seemingly tired of me, and even my closest friends were drifting. High school had been everything to me, and now I had nothing (which is stretching it a bit, but I was melodramatic and mopey back then).  

(Unlike me, some people flung off high school and embraced the “real world” with unflagging enthusiasm; for them, I suspect, school had been stifling and restrictive and not at all their idea of living. For others, high school had been a mere stepping stone on their quest to Greater Things, aspirations which, as it were, only seemed to stretch to loftier heights. I don’t know what those people would say if asked “is high school important in the grand scheme of things”, but I digress.)

Anyway, after a minor breakdown at the end of the year, I started 2015 anew with the assurance of leaving my debut uni year failures behind. I got back in touch with an old friend, and we started scheduling regular dinners. Ironically, it was talking through the rigours of high school and post-high school life that I was able to move on. I made some sort-of friends at uni, started watching anime and writing fanfiction, and suddenly life was looking up. High school? Whatever, over it. But I kept in touch with my old English teacher and we met up once so she could return my EE2 stuff, and I liked that, the feeling that there was at least one thing I hadn’t fucked up. It made me so inordinately happy to see her again. She reminded me of my major work and its success, but it was also her sure-footedness about Being an Adult and willingness to impart that wisdom to me, her kindness and warmth, that made me think high school was worth it just for meeting her.  

I spent most of 2016 in Canada, so high school was the furthest thing from my mind; it was basically 15 time zones and several bodies of water away. By then I’d met my online friends, had a ton of fun, was doing proper research, etc. My most obvious link to high school was this blog and talking to HSC students, which was something I enjoyed immensely. Yes, I’d often draw on what I’d done as a Year 12 student and try to place myself in your shoes, but it wasn’t as if that connection was a lifeline that couldn’t be untethered lest I die. By then I’d well and truly moved on, returning to that pool of memories as needed.  

High school, in the end, is important only for what you choose to take from it. I took my old English teacher, my love for literature, and what I learned of kindness and the human heart, and they’ve served me well. The friends I made there I no longer have (bar one), but I chose to cherish what memories I have of them instead of wallowing in resentment. (I mean, not that it stopped me from doing exactly that for an entire year). High school was a formative time, but I won’t pretend that it’s had or will have absolute bearing over my life. There are many more years ahead of me, and I’ll take them as they come. The things I took from high school were never exclusive to it, and they’ll grow as I do, beyond the confines of the classroom and into whatever I choose to do after graduation.