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yukidragon · 2 months ago

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Sunny Day Jack - Sins, Stripping, Sex Work, and Shame

I’ve got a hankering for some adults only OTP indulgence. Specifically I think it’s time to indulge in the stripper Joseph idea I mentioned a while back.

Now, before we begin, I want to emphasize that sex work can be quite a complicated issue. I initially came into this ramble with the goal of writing some Joseph and Mary fluff with the added spice of stripping and lap dancing on top. I even used this picrew to make a sweet and spicy picture of Joseph seducing Mary while she’s wearing his tank top to get in the spirit of fun and flirty sexy times.

Just another fun, silly, and sexy AU idea, you know?

However… when I started getting into the darker shades to make the lighter colors stand out more, well…

Let’s just say I couldn’t stop myself from digging into Joseph’s psyche and why he has such a negative view of the man he used to be in the present day as Jack. So this ramble stopped really being about an AU - let alone a lighthearted one - and instead delves into the backstory I’ve given Joseph for Sunshine in Hell before he got the role of Sunny Day Jack. There’s just an additional little bit of what if canon divergence thrown in on top.

Sometimes rambles just wind up running away with me like that. Once I started thinking about what led Joseph to a life of stripping and prostitution, things just kept progressing from there. So I wound up painting a much darker picture than I initially intended it to be. Be sure to heed the content warnings in this mature post before proceeding further.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur @kurokrisps

Content Warning: This post contains talk about sex, sex work, childhood trauma, child neglect, abusive relationships, bullying, cheating, chronic illness, drug usage, body shaming, slut shaming, religious guilt, suicide, homelessness, internalized homophobia, and other such heavy topics.

Don’t worry though, there’s a little sweet and spicy short story of OTP goodness in the final part of this ramble. Feel free to skip straight to the fluffy NSFW finale if you want to give the heavier topics a pass. There’s also a few more quick short story snippets throughout.

As some of you may remember from previous rambles, in the timeline for Sunshine in Hell, Mary (Alice’s past life incarnation and Joseph’s childhood friend/first love) has a surprising reunion with Joseph as an adult while he’s a homeless drifter hitchhiking along the side of the road. I even wrote a short story about it a while back. It was pure chance, a cosmic happenstance that brought these two lonely souls back together again that they both treated as a miracle, resulting in a reunion filled with tears, kisses, and laughter.

Before the pair were reunited, Joseph made a lot of choices that he’s not proud of, both for love and for money, which includes sex work and toxic relationships. Mary knew about his past as a young and dumb kid, even getting swept up in his rule breaking at times like sneaking into a movie theater, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her just how low he had fallen after they were separated.

Joseph Cullman believed himself to be flawed, filthy, and unworthy of love. That’s why he tried so hard to remake himself into someone new, someone better. When Mary found him, he was between jobs, so he was able to hide his dirtiest secrets from her.

No one had to ever know, especially not his sunshine.

But if the time and place of their reunion shifted just a bit, Joseph would be totally exposed in more ways than one.

The Empty Space Where Love Used to Live

Okay, I know everyone (including me) wants to get down to the sexy stripper Joseph seducing Mary stuff right away, but my mind just wouldn’t jump there without exploring how we got here in the first place. Becoming a stripper or sex worker wasn’t exactly something Joseph wanted to become or took pride in.

After running away from home, Joseph had to make his way in life all alone, with no one to support him, and no one to care whether he lived or died. All he had was the clothes on his back, an incomplete education from teachers who constantly called him worthless, and his body to scrape some sort of living together. He had to do a lot of hard labor in order to get by, in more than one sense of the word. His heart was scarred and heavy, both from the things done to him and the things he did. His sense of self-worth was pitiful, and he was so very, very lonely. The only person who ever truly loved him was gone… stolen from him first by her uncaring parents, then by death itself.

Though the rumors of Mary’s death were quite exaggerated at the time. Not that poor Joseph knew that.

If it had only been a rumor that Mary had died, Joseph would’ve refused to believe it. He was a stubborn kid, and school was a hellscape full of rumors, vicious slander, and fighting. But rumors weren’t his only evidence. Even years on, he still vividly remembered that moment in her bedroom that brought him such sorrow and joy all at once. She told him herself while in tears how her doctor was certain that she wouldn’t live to see adulthood.

Mary didn’t want to die with regrets, so she confessed her feelings for Joseph, and he reciprocated. She had been hiding her feelings for a while before that, as she was worried about ruining their friendship. Perhaps she could have continued to hide her feelings to spare him the pain when she died, but she didn’t want to waste the time she had left denying her feelings any longer.

Joseph wanted to fight that death sentence, but how? They were just teens, scared and confused. Even doctors with years of education didn’t know how to help Mary. They couldn’t even give a name to whatever was killing her. There was no internet to search for symptoms back then, and no trusted adult in his life with sage advice. The most he had was just a library with pages and pages of medical books that he would have to flip through one by one, each page packed to the brim with terms that he didn’t understand.

Joseph couldn’t even fight back against her parents when they forbade Mary from seeing him again. They flipped out at him, threatening to shoot him with a shotgun if he snuck into their home ever again, or even just set foot on their lawn. They went so far as calling the police on him, though fortunately nothing more came of it than a stern lecture from a couple cops.

Joseph did try to see Mary again despite these threats, but they never amounted to anything in the end. Adults saw him as a punk, a misbehaving brat, and even if he sought out help, they simply told him to leave her alone. The Phoenix family didn’t want a “worthless” troublemaker “corrupting” their daughter. His own parents didn’t want to deal with the hassle of his “teenage drama,” since he would “just get over it” and find someone new soon enough.

No one understood just how much Joseph loved and wanted to be with Mary, or vice-versa. They were seen as just two stupid kids with a silly crush in the eyes of adults, just a bout of puppy love that would fade out sooner or later. High school romance was rarely more than a fleeting thing. To their parents, young love was more like fireworks, an explosion of hormones that create an exciting thrill that quickly fades and draws the immature and inexperienced teen to seek out that spark again in someone new.

Joseph resented such condescending attitudes and metaphors. He knew damn well what he felt for Mary was far deeper than that. He would never just forget her so easily, as if her presence in his life meant nothing. Just because he was young didn’t mean that what he felt wasn’t love.

Joseph knew what shallow, empty love looked like. He saw it every time his parents bothered to remember to say that they loved him. Their version of love was nothing more than a performance, a lie to appease themselves and whoever might have been watching. Such fake love could never fill the hole left in his heart.

What Joseph and Mary shared was nothing like the hollow “love” his parents showed him all his life.

This led to Joseph lashing out at home, at school, against his parents, teachers, authority figures, his peers, and even random people. The world was cruel and unfair. He had been shown this fact time and time again. When he found one bright spot of light in his life, the world tore it away from him and snuffed it out like a candle.

Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if Joseph never knew love at all. The cold can’t bite as hard if you’ve never known what it feels like to be warm.

The thought that Mary was dead broke something in Joseph. While he had gotten into trouble and acted out at times to get attention, up until this point, he had simply been a reckless class clown that didn’t know when to quit. Sure he had gotten into fights before, mostly taunting bullies that threw insults his way or Mary’s, but his troublemaking behavior was mostly just a cry for attention. It was childish and obnoxious, not malicious or vindictive.

When Joseph was finally forced to accept the idea that his sunshine was gone forever and that no one cared about her passing or how much it hurt him, his anger bubbled over and no one could reach his heart again. He was violent, insulting, and downright cruel. He hurt, so the world deserved to hurt. He stopped trying anymore with his parents. He wanted their love all his life, but it was always empty, and their dismissiveness over his grief and the loss of Mary made him give up on that love too.

After all, it was hard for Joseph to believe that a person was even capable of love at all when they treated his pain as nothing more than an annoyance in their lives.

“What? You’re still hung up about that girl dying? It’s been a month already. You have to get over it if you’re going to get anywhere in life. You can’t keep using this as an excuse to keep whining and slack off.”

“For goodness sake, stop crying. Real men don’t cry. Sigh… When will you finally grow up already? It’s not as if she was family.”

And so on and so forth. The house Joseph grew up in never truly felt like home.

Joseph did try to find love again even after that. It was only natural for humans to seek happiness and affection. We’re social creatures after all. The things he used to do for fun didn’t bring him the joy they once had, so he looked elsewhere. The rules he circumvented were more easily broken now, as were laws. The vices he gained during his teenage years - smoking, alcohol, bullying those who he felt wronged him, rebelling against authority, picking fights, tattoos to express the bottled up feelings he couldn’t really put into words - they offered him rushes of pleasure that distracted him from feeling so empty. Sure, much of the things he turned to during this time were destructive, but they made him hurt just a little less.

Why should Joseph care about what other people thought or felt about what he did? They certainly never cared about him even when he was trying to earn their approval. Who cared if he destroyed himself?

Tragically, Joseph did destroy someone in the end, but it wasn’t himself.

Joseph never meant for things to spiral so far out of control. He had known firsthand the trauma that bullying inflicted. He took it a bit far at times… but a certain student at school made him burn with rage.

In elementary school, Mary was the target of bullying. One person in particular took great delight in making her life miserable, and constantly left her in tears when they were children.

Joseph put a stop to it years ago in a playground brawl. Mary wasn’t happy that he got into a fight, especially since he got roughed up in the process, but she was grateful that he protected her. After that fight, her bully never dared come after her again.

That day, Joseph felt like a hero. He rescued Mary and defeated her wicked arch nemesis with his own brand of vigilante justice. He was the knight in shining armor that saved the princess from the wicked dragon.

The roles changed in high school. Joseph played the part of the villain now, but he didn’t care. He knew full well what he was doing now wasn’t heroic or noble. He couldn’t help but lash out at this former bully and anyone else who had hurt his beloved sunshine in the past. He went after kids that used to make fun of him even if they had long forgotten about such slights against him, or even forgot his name. He antagonized anyone who so much as looked at him wrong, dealing out damage with his fists and poisonous words. He took any excuse to lash out, goading others into a fight whenever he saw an opportunity.

Joseph was an avenger desperately seeking revenge without a real target to claim victory over, and no way to find true satisfaction.

Unfortunately that former bully understood that using Mary’s memory was the best way to hurt Joseph. When they retaliated against his bullying, they painted a blood red target on themselves when they outright taunted him about her death. They told him that they were happy that Mary died and that the world was better off without her.

This foolish teenager didn’t realize the hell they unleashed upon themselves until it was already far too late.

From that day onward, Joseph had it out for Mary’s former bully in particular. He still lashed out at anyone in his path, but he wanted this person to suffer. He wanted them to feel his pain a thousand fold. Day after day, he tormented them, beat them up, insulted them, sabotaged them, and did everything he could to make them hurt far more than he or Mary ever did. He was relentless, and only grew more incensed every time the bully used his sunshine’s name and memory to retaliate against him.

At first it was a war - bully vs bully - but Joseph was far worse than his opponent ever was, and the war wore down Mary’s former bully over time. Teachers didn’t want to get involved and just let the kids sort things out between them. So long as the kids kept the fights out of their sight, the teachers could look the other way. They only had to intervene when it interfered with classes or they couldn’t get away with ignoring it without getting into trouble themselves. Sure there were disciplinary reports, detentions, and lectures, but these things barely slowed Joseph down from his mission of revenge.

Joseph soon learned how to deal out more pain with his words than his fists. Sure his fists did damage, even if it left him with bruised knuckles, but it wasn’t enough. But words… oh words seem so innocent, so deceptively simple and childish when compared to spilling blood or leaving bruises, but if used correctly, the pain words inflicted was far more devastating than any cut or broken bone.

Over time, Joseph figured out what truly hurt his classmate psychologically and dug into their head. Soon his voice was echoing in their thoughts even at home, in their sleep. His well placed attacks on their vulnerabilities seeped into them like a poison.

Even when his opponent no longer had the will to fight back, Joseph did not relent. He ignored stern or desperate pleas for him to leave them alone, no matter who told him. Punishment from adults did not deter him. The defense of friends just gave him more enemies to fight. Tears did not move him, especially when they came from someone who was his enemy, someone who he only saw as cruel and unforgiving. Without love, he had no mercy to give anyone.

For the rest of his life, Joseph wished that he did.

They were gone from school for at least a week before the announcement was made over the school public address system. Tragic news. Suicide. Anyone who knew the deceased were highly encouraged to see the school counselor immediately.

Once the shock wore off, Joseph finally understood the damage he had done… as did many of his peers.

“Murderer!” was the final word Joseph heard shouted at his back when he fled from Haberdae High for the final time. He had nothing but a half-empty backpack and some fresh bruises to take with him when he ran away. He ran and ran and ran with no destination in mind. He kept running long after he stopped being pursued.

Unfortunately, Joseph could never outrun the sins he had committed and the stains they left upon his soul.

Once upon a time, Joseph was the hero who saved the kind soul who brought light into his world. Then he became an avenger seeking justice where there was none to be found. Now he was the villain, fleeing from the punishment he knew that he richly deserved.

Although running away like he did was a spur of the moment thing, Joseph had considered leaving for a while now. There wasn’t much there for him in his hometown anyway. His parents didn’t want him, the teachers hated dealing with him, and his peers didn’t care about him. He never fit in there. People preferred to forget he even existed when they weren’t talking down to him. The only good thing to ever come from his hometown was Mary, and she was gone. Forever.

So even after the surge of panic and adrenaline calmed down, Joseph kept walking. He walked and walked and walked until his body just couldn’t take it anymore. He wound up sleeping in a ditch that first night.

It was the first of many nights sleeping in a ditch.

Joseph couldn’t go back. His parents’ house had never been home to him anyway. The only home he ever knew was in the moments he shared with Mary, where he felt accepted and loved. He had no family who would support him, no friends to rely on. He doubted anyone would care that he was gone. In fact, they’d most likely be relieved.

All Joseph could do was wander, searching for a new home. A new life.

Joseph Cullman was a monster, a murderer. He was worthless, useless, and unwanted. He was someone filthy and unworthy of love.

He never did stop running from what he had done. He left it all behind him, his sins and even his name. He reinvented himself, taking different names, different attitudes to try and turn himself into someone new, someone better.

Joseph Cullman was better off dead anyway.

There wasn’t a goal strictly in his mind, but there were some fanciful dreams leftover from his childhood. If he made it all the way to Hollywood, maybe he could get spotted by a talent agent and make it big on TV or in the movies. He could become someone new in such a big city, someone who would shine like a star. He could be someone everyone admired and adored, someone worthy of friendship and love.

Maybe then love like he once found in his sunshine might find him again someday.

Hard Labor

Reality wasn’t as kind as his fantasies. Joseph could only make it so far on foot, and hitchhiking brought its own risks and costs. He ran away with little more than the clothes on his back, and only his body to pay for his food and shelter.

Joseph took whatever job he could get that didn’t ask too many questions or require an education, even if it might have been sketchy. At first, this was mostly hard manual labor like digging ditches, washing cars, yard work, and the like. Such jobs took advantage of the desperate and were soul crushing. He was overworked and underpaid. Every day left him exhausted and sore.. He barely made enough to eat and have a place to sleep at night.

An unexpected bonus to all his backbreaking work were the muscles Joseph built over time. He was always active and fit, but this constant physical labor day in and day out was more demanding than any workout routine.

Unfortunately, a muscular physique didn’t get him any closer to those lofty dreams of a better life.

As Joseph bulked up, he started to experience another unexpected perk to physical labor. He noticed eyes always wandering across his body, especially when he would go shirtless in the hot sun. It was attention that he wasn’t used to, both alluring and a bit uncomfortable.

The stares and catcalls could get a bit much at times, involving degrading language along with unexpected and unwanted touches. It was dehumanizing at times. Some people made him feel less like a human and more like a piece of meat for them to drool over.

At the same time, it was more attention than Joseph used to get, and he was starved for it. He felt so painfully alone. Being harassed was a small price to pay to not be invisible and ignored. He was strong enough to fend off anyone who took things too far, and he knew how to fight, so he could overlook the downsides of all the attention. He tried to see if he could turn that attraction to him into something more meaningful and lasting. When someone with a nice smile flirted with him, he flirted back. He tried to be charming to those who were kind and friendly with him. He went out on many dates, searching for someone, anyone who could see that there was more to him than just his body.

Joseph wanted to be more than just a piece of meat to someone. He wanted real love.

It didn’t go well. Joseph was still getting used to his new identity, how to behave, and how to really connect with people. However, it can be difficult to connect authentically when someone is hiding who they are, lying about their background, and hiding many secrets. His relationship with Mary came so easily. He could be open and vulnerable with her, but with others he struggled. He misread warning signs and took words of love at face value without realizing that they were just as performative as the new name and identity that he gave himself.

Even though he learned that “I love you” can be a lie from his parents, his desperation to be loved still made him want to believe it when someone new who actually paid attention to him said it.

Romantic relationships rarely ever lasted. Joseph never seemed to be good enough, no matter what he called himself. He let himself fall in love hard and fast when he was treated kindly and showered with sweet words of love and flattery. He was an easy target for people who knew how to manipulate others to get what they want, which usually was just sex with him. His heart was crushed again and again as he kept giving it away to just about anyone who gave him positive attention and told him what he wanted to hear.

Joseph learned how to use his body well, both in work and in the bedroom. He took more stock in his appearance and kept trim but muscular so that his lover’s eyes hopefully wouldn’t wander to someone new. Some of his relationships shamed him if he “let himself go” by gaining a few pounds when he finally started eating well, so he would add a workout routine on top of all the hard work he was doing. He got better at sex to entice his lovers to stay just a bit longer, but wound up in toxic relationships that were built off lust instead of love.

Joseph just wanted to be loved, desired, needed, but he was always left feeling used in the end.

Accepting money in exchange for sex was a gradual progression. Joseph loved receiving gifts from his dates. It made him feel special and important, and it was even more meaningful to him when he was struggling to keep himself fed, clothed, and sheltered. Unfortunately, his dates didn’t actually put any real meaning into the gifts, as they were just “playing the game” when it came to dating.

Give the right gift and say the right words to the person they’re interested in, and they’ll get sex at the end of the date. Then they move on to the next person and repeat the process. Maybe they would take him on a second date sometime when they were feeling horny again.

Joseph caught onto the pattern, but he still kept falling for it anyway. He hoped that if he was just so charming and seductive, so unforgettable that they would stay... that maybe desire could turn into something more.

This was what led to Joseph unintentionally becoming a sugar baby to a closeted gay man who was terrified of being outed. The 70s and 80s weren’t exactly known for being open and accepting of any sexuality but straight after all. Money, presents, and empty but addictingly sweet words of love were used to make up for treating Joseph like a dirty secret. What made him feel even more filthy was discovering that lover was actually married, and he was the affair partner.

Despite all the problems and red flags waving in his face, Joseph struggled to leave the relationship. It was the longest relationship he had since he was with Mary. He didn’t want to lose someone close to him like that again. He wanted to believe that what the two of them had was really love. He opened himself up to his lover and gave so much of himself, trying desperately to make it work between them. He told his lover things that he previously held back then dating others. He let more truth about his past slip in among the backstory he crafted for his current identity. That vulnerability made him cling to the relationship longer than he should. He wanted so badly to have a love that would actually last.

The excuses his lover gave to placate Joseph were flimsy when scrutinized. In retrospect, Joseph wished that he didn’t ignore the warning signs. But his lover seemed so sincere, and those sweet lies were told so convincingly with so much emotion that he let himself believe them again and again.

His lover promised him the moon and all the stars, and he did it so well.

His lover might have been a cheater, but the man insisted that he and his wife were in the final stages of a divorce. In fact, she was already seeing someone else too. His wife was abusive, and he needed to leave her for his safety. She was unhinged. She was terrible. He was pressured into the marriage by his heavily religious family in the first place. He didn’t love her. He never loved her. He only loved Joseph. Joseph was handsome, sweet, attractive, wonderful, and every other beautiful word in the book. He only wanted Joseph. This whole mess would be resolved soon and then it would be just the two of them forever. All Joseph had to do was just be patient and trust him.

And on and on and on the excuses went…

It was nice having money and an otherwise comfortable life, but Joseph couldn’t stay in the relationship. It wasn’t good for him, and he couldn’t live in denial forever. While the nights of passion were intense and his lover’s words were so alluring, the mornings were always empty, with only a wad of cash and a note on the nightstand left behind to keep him company.

For as desperate as he was to be loved, Joseph eventually was forced to face the fact that he was nothing more than a plaything for a rich older man.

The beginning of the end came when Joseph overheard his lover talking to someone else. To his horror, he learned that he wasn’t the only one the man seduced into an affair. There were other people who also fell for this cheater’s honeyed words of love. He even met some of them when his lover convinced him to participate in orgies. He thought that they were an acquaintance joining him and his lover to spice up their love life. At the same time, the other people were led to believe the same thing about him.

The more Joseph pulled at the threads to find the truth, the more it all unraveled. There was no divorce. There never was one. The wife was actually a lovely, sweet woman who was good to their kids. Kids. There were kids involved in this mess, and Joseph never even knew that they existed this entire time! It was hard enough to deal with the fact that his lying, cheating lover had a wife, even with all the excuses, but it made Joseph feel sick that he participated in creating a broken home for those kids.

It reminded him uncomfortably of his own childhood.

The wife and kids didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Neither did Joseph.

The fallout wasn’t pretty. Not that Joseph stuck around long after he burned everything down to the ground. He left that town and the name he made there behind him, running away from the entire messy affair and his heartbreak.

Though Joseph did make sure to leave evidence of the affair for his ex’s wife to find. It was both a way to atone for what he did and to get revenge on a cheating scumbag who played them all for fools with empty promises and lies about love. He hoped that the wife would take the kids and find someone new who would give them the love and respect that they deserved.

Joseph hoped to find someone like that too.

Fortunately Joseph learned from the last time he ran away, and he took as much of his sugar daddy’s money and gifts with him as he could. He sold whatever he couldn’t fit in his backpack and started over from scratch yet again.

Joseph was a bit more jaded about other peoples’ intentions after that when they showed interest in him. He still made an effort to be friendly and even flirty, but he was more guarded with his heart when he eventually tried dating again.

Sex without love wasn’t fulfilling, but it was fun, and it could pay the bills. A quick handjob was cheaper than paying for a taxi cab. A sweet smile, even sweeter words, and a choice glimpse of cleavage and a tight tank top could entice a kind soul to let him bum a cigarette or an extra cup of coffee.

Sex also had a way of distracting Joseph from his loneliness. In those moments of passion, he could convince himself that he didn’t need anything more than this pleasure. He could convince himself that what he was sharing with the person he was dating was love, or at least just as good as love. He tried to be satisfied with pleasures of the flesh and the hope that maybe he might find real love someday. He finally had attention, admiration, approval. He was desired, wanted, needed. The rush was addicting, even if the highs never lasted long.

Digging ditches didn’t pay nearly as well as strip joints, and there were plenty of seedy places in every town. Respectable strip clubs don’t have the strippers moonlight as prostitutes, but Joseph wasn’t really taking jobs at any respectable places. The places he found work at least allowed him to vet out the customers who would pay good money for a private show versus the ones who were just looking for a cheap thrill. It was safer than looking for a john at a bar or on a street corner. He took advice from his coworkers with more experience in the business about how to spot good clients and how to protect himself when things got dangerous.

It wasn’t the life Joseph ever imagined for himself. It all finally hit him just how far things had gone when he was watching his copy of a porno he starred in. Watching himself have sex with a bunch of strangers he barely knew in exchange for money made it sink in that he had become a prostitute.

Joseph never thought his life would turn out this way. A few years ago, the very idea was completely unthinkable. He wanted to be a star, but not like this! Sure, the porno was a small-scale affair, not even with an actual porn studio, but seeing himself like that on his TV made him realize that strangers were going to watch him, judge him, and get off on it.

When did things get so out of hand? Joseph got swept up in the rush of sex and attention. Things never seemed so bad in the moment. The next step never seemed quite as far as he would’ve thought. He accepted gifts, then he accepted cash. He stripped for attention then a job. He had sex to feel love, then to forget his loneliness, then to gain the security only money could give in a capitalist society. He got swept up in things, the idea of lots of easy money for a fun time, and a chance of finding love through attraction and pleasure.

Watching himself from the outside and knowing that countless other people would only ever see him as just a piece of meat and nothing more finally made him realize what he had become.

It wasn’t an entirely negative experience. Joseph found that he enjoyed being watched and watching others. It was a shameful, but thrilling feeling, exciting and even addicting. Sex was fun, exhilarating, and even liberating. He loved to show himself off and be the person everyone looked at with admiration and desire.

But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t love.

At the end of the day, that was what Joseph really wanted. He wanted someone to love with his whole heart who loved him just as fiercely. He wanted to bring these intense pleasures that he discovered into a relationship that was built on more than just fleeting moments of passion. He wanted that lingering satisfaction and security that only love ever gave him.

Society shames sex workers, and Joseph wasn’t immune to that internalized shame. The fact that he enjoyed it so much, even if only in the moment, just made him feel even more shameful when the high faded. It made him feel dirty and worthless when he wasn’t lost in those exhilarating rushes of pleasure and attention. He constantly tried to distract himself from such negative thoughts, but he couldn’t escape them when he was left alone with only his thoughts for company.

Selling his body was thrilling and profitable, but it left Joseph feeling ashamed, unfulfilled, and empty inside.

When was the last time he had gone to church? His parents used to drag him there every Sunday when he was a kid. It was never a fun experience. He didn’t buy all the bullshit that the priests were always selling, but he wasn’t free of the internalized shame that was hammered into him and the rest of the congregation. Shouldn’t he feel ashamed for that too?

Then again, what was the point of going back now? He was probably damned to hell either way.

Joseph couldn’t exactly afford shame when he was homeless. Sex paid the bills without breaking his back. Sure, he had to get regular checkups to make sure that he didn’t catch anything. Sure he had to worry about stalkers, potential pregnancies, and he hadn’t had a good relationship since…

Mary. Joseph never found someone who made him feel as happy as Mary. For all the excitement, pleasure, and attention he achieved now, it was always so empty in comparison to the time he spent with her. Sex alone never gave him that contentment, peace, and love that he craved so, so badly.

It was funny. For all the rush sex gave him, even the new exciting kinks he discovered, none of it compared to that sunny smile of hers and those sweet kisses she gave that filled him up to the brim with love.

It all made Joseph that much more desperate to find love again, and sometimes he convinced himself that he did, only to realize that he was being used yet again. He didn’t realize that his desperation for love was obvious enough to make him an easy target for people looking to take advantage of the caring and vulnerable. Every failed relationship made him feel just that little bit more jaded and unlovable.

It made him wonder if he could ever find love again.

Joseph went by so many names, reinvented himself so many times. He started over in town after town, working his way towards Hollywood and that nebulous idea of becoming something better than he was. He wanted, needed to be something more than a piece of meat to be devoured, used, and then discarded like trash.

He wanted to become somebody who didn’t have to use pleasure and excitement to distract himself from feeling so worthless and unlovable.

Love and Self-Loathing

Joseph was ashamed of being a sex worker, though he respected others in the business, and he would fight anyone who dared to insult the few friends he made there. Some people genuinely loved the job and made it work… but he never could find that same love for it that they did. He, like so many others, got into that line of work due to a lack of options and wanted something better as soon as possible.

Sex work isn’t an inherently shameful job, but society plays a big part in projecting strong feelings of shame and disgust onto it. It’s also a dangerous job due to laws that are broken and lack of protection for sex workers. Joseph was not immune to the negative feelings society impressed upon the profession even as he participated in it. This perception only added to all the ways authority figures and his peers ground him down over the years with feelings of worthlessness.

Joseph felt disgusted by how much he enjoyed selling his body, at least in the moment. Once the rush of lust and euphoria was over and he was left in the afterglow, he felt cheap and used. Filthy. It was as much of a damaging rush as the nicotine he kept smoking or the coffee he drank too much of… or the “party favors” he sometimes partook in with partners or clients.

As filthy as sex without real love made Joseph feel, it was also the best way for him to make a living and distract himself from how much he hated his life and himself.

A big theme behind the 1984 incident is Joseph getting exposed. The mask of Sunny Day Jack was torn away and all the dirty secrets that he desperately tried to hide were laid bare before the nation and Mary. Everything he didn’t want anyone to know, especially not his sunshine, was revealed in the most damning way possible.

Hiding these shameful parts of his past played a large part in Joseph losing himself in the character of Sunny Day Jack, both in life and in death. He could forget the man underneath the makeup in the rush that stardom gave him, but this time the euphoria came with a squeaky clean image that he didn’t have to feel ashamed of. As Jack, he was finally someone admirable, famous, and adored. Sunny Day Jack was the type of person Joseph always wanted to be as a child, with the love that he always wished for.

It was also tied to the miracle of finding his sunshine once again.

Fortune smiled on Joseph when Mary spotted him hitchhiking on the highway. She knew the name he was born with and some of his past shame, but those were innocent misdeeds, nothing more than the rambunctiousness of youth. Compared to everything else that came after their separation, the child he used to be was positively charming. It wasn’t that hard for him to bury his deepest shames in the past and pretend those years without her never happened at all.

Joseph hid so many secrets from Mary, while she shared just about everything with him. He felt guilty for not being as open as she was with him. She still loved him, still wanted him even after so many years apart. She was so accepting of him and his flaws. She was drawn to him as a person, not as a tempting hunk of meat. His body was just another part of him, but it wasn’t the main attraction for her. Being on the asexual spectrum, sex was never a priority for her. It didn’t matter to her if he had a six-pack or if he was a scrawny twig. She encouraged him to eat well and take care of his health first. It was his heart and soul that drew her to him. She loved him even when he had nothing to offer her but his own love in return.

Joseph hated himself. He hated himself so much. But he loved Mary far, far more than he could ever hate himself. He was convinced that she deserved better than him. He knew that the noblest thing he could do would be to let her find love with someone who wasn’t carrying so much baggage, who didn’t do so many scummy things, who didn’t crave her love like a junkie in withdrawal.

If Mary had been in a new relationship with someone else, maybe Joseph could’ve stepped back and let her go. Maybe he could lie and pretend that he was happy for her. Maybe.

Or maybe he was only lying to himself to think that he could ever let her go again even if there was someone else in her life.

The relief Joseph experienced when Mary ran into his arms and kissed him was a kind of euphoria that put all his sexual encounters to shame. She remembered him. She missed him. She loved him. All the hurt and years they went through weren’t strong enough to destroy this bond between them. She still longed for his love just as much as he did hers.

There was no chance of Joseph making a noble sacrifice after that kiss. Just hearing Mary use that cherished nickname she gave him, yer eyes bright and brimming with tears as she wore the most gorgeous smile ruined any possibility that he might stay away from her. He might not deserve her after everything he had done, but he couldn’t let her go again. He wasn’t strong enough.

That was why Joseph wanted to give Mary only the best version of himself. He needed to become someone worthy of all the love she gave him, or at least act the part. She deserved the very best in everything. She deserved the world. She filled his life with love in a way no one else could. After losing her once, after trying and failing so many times to find love again, he now knew for sure that there was only one person in the world who could ever make him feel complete.

Joseph tried to be whatever Mary wanted or needed him to be, though he never said as much out loud. He quit smoking because of her health issues, even though the withdrawal was hard on him. He tried to speak more gently and smile more. He tried to be more mindful. He took all the lessons he learned about charming people to be more sociable and romantic, and his psychology classes helped him better understand how to handle people. He learned from all the mistakes he made with his many failed attempts at romance. He wanted to be the best partner possible, the ideal lover. He wanted to be someone who could never be replaced.

Sunny Day Jack served as a fantastic template for the type of person Joseph wanted to be. Everyone loved the character. He loved the character.

Mary always said that Sunny Day Jack was inspired by Joseph. She and others told him that was perfect for the role and really brought the character to life. The kids showed him so much admiration and love too when he interacted with them in person. Joseph could never quite see himself in Sunny Day Jack, though he wanted to very much. He wished that he could be half as good as Sunny Day Jack. The character was so good, so pure, so worthy of love. To him, Sunny Day Jack was everything Joseph Cullman wasn’t.

Even still, Joseph tried everything in his power to become the best Sunny Day Jack there ever was. He refused to disappoint his sunshine and all the kids who loved him so much.

Joseph wasn’t perfect, despite all his efforts. Every time he slipped up, got a little too loud, a little too abrasive, fear crept in. He couldn’t shake the doubts that he didn’t deserve Mary and everything she brought to his life, and in those moments the fear whispered poison in his ears. It pushed him to try harder. Too hard.

Mary didn’t just bring her love into his life. Through her, Joseph got the part of Sunny Day Jack at LambsWorks. He got the chance to become a star, just like he dreamed of since he was a child. He had a new opportunity to reinvent himself as the actor James Haberdae. He had a clean slate with new people, a new chance to make friends, a chance to make a name for himself. He had fame, adoration, and respect. He had the opportunity to be someone better.

It was like a dream… and Joseph was terrified that someday he might wake up.

Over time, in a world where the incident of 1984 never ended in tragedy, where Mary and Joseph got to grow old together, he would learn that he didn’t need to be afraid of his sunshine learning the truth about his past. She accepted him whenever his perfect mask slipped, comforted him and supported him when he was at his lowest. He lived to face the aftermath of his secrets being so cruelly exposed, and he wasn’t rejected for all his failings.

Despite his fears, Mary showed Joseph that he was never unworthy of love.

Not that Mary was happy with what Joseph did. It was all a lot to take in. Prostitution, bullying, drugs, dating a married person, and so on… but what bothered her more was how much he hid from her. It hurt that he couldn’t trust her with these parts of his story that made him the man she knew and loved.

She understood though. These secrets weren’t easy to tell. They were painful and messy. Mary and Joseph talked things through in the aftermath. There was a lot of talking and tears.

They made it work. Despite everything, in the end, they came together stronger than ever.

It also allowed Joseph to finally accept himself as someone worthy of love. He didn’t have to be perfect. He didn’t have to be flawless without a speck of filth on his soul. He didn’t even have to be Sunny Day Jack anymore. All he had to do was to keep choosing to do the best he could for himself and for Mary and be open and honest with her. That was all she ever really wanted from him.

Sadly, Joseph never got to experience this kind of closure in the main timeline of Sunshine in Hell. He died at his absolute lowest moment. The liar was exposed in front of everyone. They all knew the filthy, worthless man known as Joseph Cullman hiding behind all the masks and names he wore to hide his shame.

He lost everything. He lost his fame, his reputation, his love, his life, and then his sanity.

Is it any wonder why he’s now so desperate to convince himself that he really was Sunny Day Jack?

Exposed Early

Now, with all that buildup of backstory and how it connects to the main continuity of Sunshine in Hell, let’s see what would happen if Joseph couldn’t hide a part of his shameful past from Mary when they reunited.

Funny thing is I wound up writing out a short story about it instead of just a summary of events. It just goes to show that inspiration can sneak up on you.

…

Under normal circumstances, Mary would have no interest in a strip club. Being on the demisexual side of the asexual spectrum, seeing random people in states of undress never did anything for her. Plus there was also the internalized shame that her parents hammered into her about behaving like a “good Christian girl” and what not. They would bring down the thunder if they ever learned that she went to such a place, no matter how old she was or if she was living on her own.

However, sometimes people had to push themselves out of their comfort zone for the sake of friendship. This is especially true for people who struggled to make friends and didn’t want to lose the few they managed to get.

What her parents didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, right?

Besides, this was a special occasion. A person only got married once (hopefully), so they should live it up for their bachelorette party.

Of course, Mary didn’t understand why the bride-to-be was so keen on watching men strip when in a committed monogamous relationship. It kind of felt like cheating to her, even if they weren’t married yet. The bride-to-be blew off any concerns, acting as though it was only natural. Even still, she told the soon-to-be-groom that the party would just consist of dinner, drinks, and chatting together at the maid of honor’s house.

It didn’t feel right, but Mary didn’t want to cause trouble. She didn’t know if it was her place to say anything and meddle in their relationship. She hadn’t dated anyone since she was a teenager, so she had no idea what it was like to get married. She didn’t want to risk the tenuous friendships on misgivings. She just did her best to swallow her discomfort and went along with the rest of the bridal party.

Even if the other members of the party got a bit too rowdy at times when they finally got to see the strippers perform. Even if the person getting the most hands on with the strippers was the bride-to-be herself.

Mary was mostly a wallflower watching as the rest of the bridal party cut loose, cat calling at strippers and waving dollar bills in the air. She hid awkwardly behind her glass of soda much of the time and tried to focus more on the club decor and the music rather than its scantily dressed employees or excited patrons.

At least she didn’t have to worry about making small talk while the others were fixated on the performers.

The performances were… fine? Not that Mary was a good judge of such things. The performances consisted mostly of muscular men gyrating to the music while undressing and giving the audience suggestive looks. Sometimes there was a gimmick involved like a costume, a pole, or juggling bottles of alcohol. Sure the men were objectively good looking, but watching them strut their stuff didn’t do anything for her except make her uncomfortable when things got a bit too raunchy at times.

The shows certainly worked on the other patrons, even if Mary didn’t quite get it. She was at least happy that her friends were having fun, even if she could do without the high pitched screams of excitement. Whenever a customer tipped especially well, the dancers would offer an extra special service. Sometimes it was a kiss on the lips, while other times it was guiding the customer’s hand to grope along the dancer’s chest. The really big spenders got to enjoy a lap dance or straddle the dancer’s hips and dry hump them.

At one point a customer was led away into the back by one of the dancers, much to the hooting and hollering of the crowd. Mary tried not to speculate what that meant, but it wasn’t hard to figure out anyway.

The big rule of the strip club was that the patrons couldn’t do anything unless guided by the dancer. The customers could only make requests, sometimes shouted, as they waved their money around in a desperate bid to draw the dancer towards them. Sometimes, the strippers would make something of a bidding war for their attention, teasing the customers by coming in close, only to be “lured” away by someone else waving around a larger bill in the air.

Money talked in this place, and a lot of it was flowing straight into some very tiny underwear that was fighting for its life to support both the cash and the large bulge the dancers would sway about.

Mary wasn’t exactly comfortable in the strip club, but it wasn’t as bad as her parents or church made it out to be. The place was mostly clean and security was pretty good about keeping the patrons from getting out of control. Though she did feel embarrassed when a security guard stopped by their table to give a warning when a couple members of the bridal party got a bit handsy with one of the servers after a few too many drinks.

The experience was awkward and a bit uncomfortable for Mary, but overall the strip club wasn’t a den of debauchery, drugs, and sin where the devil liked to play. It was just a place where people paid to show off the sexual side of themselves that they hid from polite society. Even if she didn’t understand the appeal of stripping like the rest of the audience, she could focus on being happy that her friends were having fun.

Though Mary could do without other members of the bridal party trying to goad her into stuffing her hard earned money into some stranger’s thong. Peer pressure might’ve brought her through the doors and pushed her to buy the overpriced soda she’d been nursing all evening, but even the power of friendship had its limits.

Not that Mary was especially close to anyone in the bridal party yet, but she hoped stepping out of her comfort zone like this might change that.

Mary came to the strip club hoping to deepen her new friendships. She wasn’t expecting to see an old friend who she could never forget.

Of course, Mary didn’t quite recognize Joseph right away. He was introduced to the crowd under a different name after all, and she wasn’t really focusing on the dancers. When she finally noticed and recognized him, the realization caused her to spit out her soda and do a double-take.

…

I’m thinking that Joseph should have a fun and suggestive stage name like Randy Ryder, Chase Hardcock, Maxx Climax, or something like that. I went back and forth for quite a while about what stripper name feels most fitting or gives me giggles the most. In the end, I decided on going with Diablo as his stage name and Adam Lovegood as his “real” name. Though I am still open to changing the names if something else strikes my fancy more later on down the line.

…

Needless to say, Mary did not expect the muscular man with the tattoos who was sliding along a pole and stripping down to his underwear to the tune of sultry disco music to be her long lost first love.

Joseph, or rather Diablo as the crowd knew him, was lost in the excitement of the show, just as he was every time he performed. So many people were clamoring for his attention, desperately screaming “his” name while waving their money to lure him their way. They wanted him so badly he could taste it. In these moments, he forgot himself and who he was outside of the shows. He could enjoy the lustful eyes hungrily devouring his body and feel as if he was truly wanted and adored.

Mary spitting her soda got the attention of others in the bridal party, and some odd stares her way. Once again she was goaded and teased to participate, especially since she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the man pole dancing on stage.

In so many ways, the moment was as surreal as a dream to Mary. She couldn’t be sure this Diablo person was her Joseph, but what if. What if?

Then again… Diablo was reveling in the attention, the lust and intense energy of the club. He drew some of those in the front row close to touch him, to run their hands along his glistening body as he exposed more and more of his skin.

This Diablo person looked like Joseph, so much so that it made Mary’s heart ache, but he was so different from the Joseph she remembered.

Even still, maybe spurred by the goading of other members of the party, or maybe she couldn’t keep herself away because of the pull of what if, Mary finally stepped out of the shadows she hid in and approached the stage.

The showstopper Diablo was in full form that night. The crowd loved him. He took his time teasing customers who begged him for a kiss, drawing them close, only to get “distracted” by someone else’s desperate bid for his attention. He wanted them to need him so badly that it drove them insane. Only when the excitement was at a fever pitch would he finally choose his favorite for the evening and give them a taste of his temptation.

Diablo eventually selected a pretty thing with a big wad of cash and a nice smile. Their shameless begging drew him to them. He was inches away from giving them what they wanted when he caught a glimpse of sunshine.

Joseph froze when he saw her. Even after all these years, even with the glare of the spotlight in his eyes, he still recognized Mary. How could he not? She was older now, her body filled out with soft and inviting curves.

But what struck him the most were those eyes, those familiar beautiful blue eyes as bright as the sky at dawn. He remembered those eyes alight with joy or filled to the brim with tears. He could never forget the way she looked at him with so much love.

Joseph couldn’t quite place the emotion he saw in those wide eyes of her now, but her gaze pierced him right down to his soul.

“Diablo” hadn’t fumbled a performance since he was still a newbie, but he wound up losing his grip on the pole and the customer’s chin, and he hit the stage floor with a thump. The onlookers were confused by the disruption, and that unease pushed him back to his feet.

If there was one thing Joseph learned from performing, it was that no matter what happened, the show had to go on.

Besides, if the show fell apart, Joseph would get rushed off the stage, and he couldn’t let that happen, not before he got closer to Mary.

Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe this was just someone who simply looked like his sunshine. Maybe this was just his wishful thinking. Maybe he was hallucinating after so many times he lost himself to the memories of his first love. Maybe any or all of these things were true, but Joseph would never forgive himself if he lost this chance to be with Mary just one more time.

Diablo locked eyes with Mary. Normally he gave the patrons seductive, teasing smiles, but the smile he gave her was far gentler. There was so much emotion there in his smile and in his dark eyes that refused to look away from her to any of the crowd screaming for his attention. He brought up a hand and gestured for her to come closer.

Mary moved as if reeled in by an invisible string tied to his beckoning finger. She held some bills in her tightly clenched, sweaty palm, but she didn’t look too closely at how much was there. She just did as she was expected to do in this place and pulled out a wad of cash in order to catch the dancer’s attention. She whispered the name he abandoned long ago, but all the other voices drowned her out. There were so many people who wanted Diablo’s attention, but he only had eyes for her.

The show’s tone shifted subtly as Mary reached the edge of the stage, though most patrons didn’t really notice, too caught up in the usual atmosphere of the strip club and their own frenzied attempts to get “Diablo” to notice them. They didn’t notice how gently he touched this particular customer compared to everyone else, or the fact that he didn’t immediately take her offered money to do so.

Mary could hear her heart beating louder than the club music. His gentle touch blazed across her already burning skin. She struggled to speak, still caught between wanting to believe that this man was really Joseph and being afraid that she might be merely projecting his memory onto a stranger. The surroundings were alien to her, and the atmosphere so different from the moments they shared years ago, but the tenderness in the way he held her cheek and the longing in his eyes was so familiar. He made her want to believe.

“Starlight…?”

Despite the chaos around them, Joseph heard her soft voice, and that single word dispelled all his doubts. Joy, excitement, relief, shame, embarrassment, and countless other emotions created a chaotic mess inside of his mind. It was all he could do not to pull Mary up onto the stage and into his arms, but he managed to keep his composure… for now at least. He had gotten good at pushing his feelings away to focus on the energy of the moment, in playing the role he was given.

So “Diablo” kept the show going, flashing Mary a crooked, slightly teasing smile. “Hey there, Sunshine,” he said, and for a moment it was like they were kids again. He was back to being the rule breaking punk with that same cheeky smile who snuck in through her bedroom window to hang out behind their parents’ backs.

The memory struck Mary like lightning, and relief sent a shudder through her body. Emotions started to overflow her heart, brimming in her eyes as tears.

Joseph leaned in to speak softly into her ear so only Mary could hear him. “Come with me. We’ll talk somewhere more private.”

The reminder made Mary more aware of their audience and the mounting frustration of the other customers ignored by “Diablo.” She barely had time to nod before Joseph hopped off stage then scooped her up into his arms, eliciting a shriek of surprise.

“Diablo” smiled cheekily at Mary before regarding the audience. “Pardon me for stopping early tonight, sweethearts, but this lucky customer just bought a private show from me tonight.”

The crowd erupted in a mixture of hooting, jeers, and groans. It wasn’t unusual for a dancer to make a show of sweeping a customer up in their arms and making such an announcement in this particular club. It just usually happened after the dancer played to the crowd for a while and gave several individuals a more public show with kisses, groping, or lap dances.

The whole thing was too much for Mary to handle, especially since the bridal party were shouting the loudest of the crowd, cheering her on to “finally get laid” and how much of a “lucky whore” she was. She had to cover her face in a vain attempt to hide as Joseph whisked her away backstage where the private rooms were.

…

Okay, I’ll admit, I didn’t expect to write 8 pages of a short story about the scene, but it just happened naturally as I was describing the scene and emotions. Gotta love these sudden bouts of inspiration in these rambles.

Despite the implication that Joseph gave to the crowd that he and Mary were going to have some sexy times backstage, what they did back there was anything but sexy. Emotions were running high and they were both relieved to be reunited, even if things were awkward and embarrassing for both of them.

Joseph couldn’t escape the question of how he wound up working in a place like this. He also couldn’t avoid his feelings of guilt and shame. Even though they had been apart for years and he believed that Mary was dead, he felt like he cheated on her. He feels that way to some extent in the main timeline too, but it hits harder when he was literally inviting other people to grope and kiss him right in front of her.

Sadly, there’s no immediate greeting kiss and hug in this AU. Things are too awkward and uncertain at the start of this sort of reunion.

Joseph never imagined that something like this could happen. He had been trying to heal from his sunshine’s death for years. He lost hope that he would ever see Mary again. Being with her again was an impossible wish of his, but now it came true in probably one of the worst ways ever.

Well, maybe not the absolute worst way ever, but this is still pretty bad.

Mary hoped to find Joseph again someday. They talked about their personal dreams for the future since they were kids, and she always liked to hope that he was out chasing one or more of those dreams. Most of all, she hoped that he was happy.

Well he was. Or at least he looked that way to her. Becoming a stripper was nothing Mary never imagined for Joseph, but it was clear that he was enjoying himself when he was up on stage. He obviously loved the attention, the flirting, the touching…

It seemed as if Joseph had moved on without her. He had grown into someone sexually liberated while she… more or less stayed the same. He was off exploring himself in ways she never dreamed, doing things that she would never dare. Meanwhile she never got comfortable with anyone else the way she did with him.

They had finally reunited after all these years, but weirdly it felt like there was this divide between them that was never there before.

Really, both of them would be spinning their wheels a bit once they’re alone together, trying to figure out what to say to one another. I can see Joseph being the one to speak up first, just feeling a desperate need to explain himself before Mary got the wrong idea about him. Of course, what initially blurts out of him is probably going to be awkward as hell and maybe a bit misleading.

This isn’t going to lead to a dramatic misunderstanding between them though. They’re just going to have some very uncomfortable conversation, and Joseph is going to have to explain some things that led him here. This means exposing a few more skeletons he wanted to leave buried forever in his closet.

Not all of them of course. Heavens no. Joseph isn’t going to unload everything on Mary after they’ve finally reunited. He just feels the need to explain things, to somehow soften what he did right in front of her…

He just needs to somehow stop himself from feeling so filthy and ashamed.

It’s funny that the initial idea of this AU was mostly lighthearted and silly images of Joseph pole dancing and stripping for Mary before giving her a lap dance as she gets incredibly flustered and turned on. While it’d be fun to imagine her being shocked and just going along with it all, it’d be a bit too intense for either of them to handle. There’s a lot of heavy emotions and scarring they both carry all hitting them at once without any warning.

Even if Joseph and Mary had an AU where they met for the first time at the strip club, Mary would be even less keen to just go along with sexy times. She’d hide in her shadowy corner, trying not to get anyone’s attention until the bachelorette party is over. There’d need to be some real shenanigans to get them to interact and bond.

Perhaps I could explore that possibility sometime, but that’s a potential post for another day.

Anyway, Joseph has been caught with his pants down here, both figuratively and literally. Even his attempts to explain and smooth things over would be awkward and affected by so many intense emotions. It might even lead to him breaking down as the shame overwhelms him.

Mary is alive. Joseph thought she was dead. He mourned for her. So many sleepless nights he missed her in his life. She left this void behind when she was gone, one he tried so hard to fill again and again and again… and now she’s here to see him when he’s been reduced to… this!

Mary was the one person in the world Joseph could bear his soul to. She’s also the one person he can’t bear to disappoint. He disappoints himself every single day, and her discomfort is obvious. He ruined himself in her eyes. He ruined their reunion, their love…

Joseph doesn’t know when he fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands, but he does notice Mary embrace him.

For as strange and uncomfortable as the circumstances of their reunion were, Mary doesn’t see Joseph the way he sees himself in that moment. She knows that he’s changed, that much is obvious, but it’s only natural. It’s been years and they’re adults now. They lived different lives than the ones they led as children.

Men shouldn’t cry. It’s something hammered into all boys’ heads thanks to society, and Joseph was always told the same by his parents. Realizing that he started crying and having a breakdown in front of Mary seemed to him like yet another reason to feel ashamed of himself. It’s another sign to show that he failed to become someone worthy of love.

Yet Mary chose to keep holding him. She chose to stroke his back and head so tenderly, telling him gently that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

Joseph did mutter some things under his breath during his breakdown. It was mostly just fragments of his attempts to explain himself, but also the crushing feelings that he ruined everything. Mary didn’t understand all of it, but she got the gist.

“It’s okay, Starlight. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

And just like that, Joseph can’t hold back anymore. All the shame and sadness he buried beneath hate and temporary pleasures finally come rushing out of him in a bout of tears and desperate need. He clings to Mary like a lifeline, terrified that the world will take her away from him again.

It’s the most vulnerable Joseph has ever been. He’s on his knees in a seedy backroom with a bed where he slept with untold numbers of people for money, wearing only a tiny thong stuffed with dollar bills. There’s no distractions, no high to chase and lose himself in. Instead, he has the miracle that is Mary and the comfort she gives him despite everything he’s done and what he’s become. He can’t help but unload all the years of shame that had been eating him alive.

Mary can’t help but cry as well for Joseph, for the years they’ve lost, and for all the hurts they had to hold onto alone all this time.

There’s nothing like a good cry to unload so many pent up emotions. Eventually as the tears run dry, Joseph is left feeling spent, but just a little bit lighter.

…

“If this is a dream… I hope I don’t wake up ever again,” Joseph muttered.

Mary let out a small chuckle. It was clear to her that he didn’t mean to give voice to that thought, but she answered him anyway. “If you’re dreaming, I’ll just wake you up, sleeping beauty.”

Joseph caught the reference to one of their many old inside jokes. It was silly and reassuring, though not as reassuring as those arms wrapped around him, or the unexpected feel of her lips pressed against his crown. Instantly he lifted his head to see her flushed face as his sunshine had to look away.

“O-oh, uh… sorry,” Mary stammered, flustered. “I should’ve asked before doing that, shouldn’t I?”

This time it was Joseph’s turn to chuckle wryly. “You never have to apologize for kissing me, Sunshine.”

Mary struggled to look Joseph in the eye as he straightened up to face her properly. That crooked smile he wore sent her heart racing, and she was quickly reminded of not just their closeness, but his state of undress.

…

Needless to say, after they have a long talk about what they both really want, among other things, these two get back together. They’ve missed each other all this time, and they still love each other in spite of everything. They owe it to themselves and each other to at least try again.

Fortunately, things do work out between them… at least until the 1984 incident.

Perhaps they managed to somehow grow old together in this canon divergence. The butterfly effect and me being mushy for my OTP can do some pretty crazy things after all.

Regardless, Joseph quits all forms of sex work. It doesn’t feel right when they’re together again, and he doesn’t need anyone like he needs his sunshine. Instead he leaves with Mary to start over again with a new identity. He still has secrets that he holds back from her, but those will come out slowly over time when he’s ready.

After all, Mary saw Joseph in a state that made him feel so much shame, but still chose to be with him. She still loves him, flaws and all.

There’s plenty of conversations to be had between them in the future, but Joseph finds security in knowing that he can talk with Mary about the parts of himself that he dislikes so much. It’s never easy to talk about the mistakes that he’s made, but he finally has someone who loves him and wants to help him bear his burdens. He’ll bear hers too. It’s the least he can do to repay her for bringing love back to his scarred heart.

The fear of shattering the image Mary has of him is lessened by this exposure. She saw him when he felt so ashamed, so worthless, so filthy… and despite how much Joseph hated what he had become, she still loved him anyway.

It taught Joseph that he doesn’t have to hide his mistakes from Mary in order not to lose her.

Joseph still wants to change. He wants to be a better person, both for Mary and for himself. However, now he can see that maybe, just maybe he’s not as awful as he always believed himself to be.

When he starts over again with Mary, he gives himself the surname of Haberdae. It’s a reminder of his mistakes and a promise to himself to be better. Only in this AU, instead of using the name James, he decides to go by Joseph again.

While there’s nothing left he wants to keep of the Cullman name, Mary helped him see that there was still some worth in Joseph. Somehow she always saw worth in him when no one else could.

Even if it’s only in his sunshine’s eyes, her feelings for him are enough to weaken the hatred Joseph has for himself. In spite of everything he’s done, Mary has shown him that he is worthy of love, and he’ll forever be grateful for her.

Of course, once emotions calm a bit and things settle down, the two of them can turn his stripper days into another of their inside jokes. Joseph has plenty of dance moves to tease and tantalize his sunshine with. Mary certainly is going to get to enjoy plenty of private shows and lap dances with her beloved starlight.

When the topic becomes something a bit more comfortable, Mary even asks Joseph to teach her some of his dance moves. After all, even a retired stripper deserves to enjoy his own private show now and again~

The Sexy and Fluffy Finale

On that note, let’s jump into one last snippet and bring this post back to the fluffy, sexy, and silly idea it originally started out as. I think someone is owed a lap dance, don’t you?

…

“Watch closely, Sunshine,” Joseph practically purred as he sauntered towards her. He moved in time with the music, matching its deep bassy rhythm with the way he shifted his hips and ran his hands along his barely clothed body.

Mary swallowed hard as she followed his every movement with wide eyes. When he came close to her, she reached out for him instinctively. “Joseph…”

Joseph took a hold of her hands and clucked his tongue in faint disapproval. “Nuh, uh, uh. Touching the dancers isn’t allowed during the performance, Sunshine.” He brought her hands to his lips and kissed along her fingers as he locked eyes with her. “Try to keep your hands to yourself a little while longer. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”

“O-okay,” Mary murmured as she watched Joseph guide her hands behind her back. She shivered when he then glided his fingers up along her arms before straightening up again.

It had been years since Joseph had put on such a seductive performance, but he found it easy to recapture that familiar rhythm. In fact, his movements came far more easily now and with a greater rush of excitement. The eyes watching his every move now weren’t just filled with lust. He could feel the affection in his sunshine’s gaze as well, the deep love and trust she had for him. The small, flustered smiles Mary wore as he drew in close to her were nothing but loving and warm.

Joseph adored the squeak Mary made as he rolled his hips against her lap. He ground himself lightly into one of her thighs, then the other, just giving a small taste of him to start. He wore his skimpiest pair of underwear, which couldn’t quite contain his cock as he became erect. He made sure to let her feel him grow harder by the moment, adding a bit more pressure to his gyrations against her thighs.

Mary gripped the chair’s backing tightly as she tried to keep still. Her body shook with each increasingly rapid breath, and she couldn’t help but squirm as her starlight ground his heat against her.

A small squeak escaped Mary as Joseph took a hold of her thighs and squeezed. He gave her one of his maddeningly sexy smirks before he leaned in to brush his lips against her. It was the softest of touches, barely more than the brush of a butterfly’s wing, and it only made her ache for more. Her lips chased after him reflexively to fall into a deeper kiss, but he remained maddeningly just out of reach save for the barest of touches.

“Not yet, Sunshine,” Joseph teased, hovering close enough that she could feel his lips shape the words against her mouth. “Soon, I promise. Just be patient a little longer.” He chuckled at the small, frustrated sound that escaped Mary as she tried to keep her back firmly pressed against the chair. “That’s it. Good girl.”

“Joseph…,” Mary said, his name coming out as a whine, unintended. That just got another chuckle out of Joseph and a slow roll of his hips against her already burning body. “Starlight…”

Joseph could help but bite his lower lip as he struggled to hold himself back from taking her right now. Driving Mary to this state, making her all but beg for his love gave him a rush that no crowd at any club he worked at could ever hope to replicate. The thong felt far too tight now to contain his excitement, and he needed to feel more of her. He made a show of rolling his hips again before he moved to finally discard his final article of clothing.

“You’re doing so good for me, Sunshine,” Joseph all but purred. He could see Mary practically quaking in an effort not to squirm or reach out to him. He was drunk off her need, her love for him. It was all he could ever ask for. “Here’s your reward.”

Mary held her breath as Joseph took her hands and guided them to his chest. He didn’t have to do much prompting to encourage her to play with his body. She was only too eager to show how much she appreciated her one and only starlight.

Joseph groaned softly as Mary squeezed his pecs before teasingly tracing his nipples. He slid his hands along her arms before drawing her in closer to him, and she took that as an invitation to kiss his chest. “Yes, that’s it, Mary,” he cooed encouragingly before letting out a low moan as she flicked her tongue across his skin. “You’re doing so well.”

Mary let out a sound that was somewhere between a squeak and a whimper as she felt Joseph grind his hardness along her thighs and then her stomach. She tried to keep focus on leaving kisses all along his chest even as he ground himself against her. He was so careful not to put his full weight on her as he hovered over her lap, but he made sure that she could feel the pressure of his rock hard cock prodding her with his every movement.

Joseph let out a low moan of appreciation as he felt Mary’s hands work their way to his hips and grip him tightly. She started to use her tongue on him too, teasing and sucking his nipples each in turn. He loved the attention. He loved just how enthusiastic and eager he made his sunshine with just a little teasing, but he wasn’t about to give up the lead in this dance of his just yet.

Gently, Joseph grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled Mary back from his chest, taking great care not to be too rough. She made a small noise of protest, but thankfully not pain. He smiled triumphantly at her flushed face as she panted for breath and turned her beautiful blue eyes towards him.

“Mary,” Joseph said, his thick voice filled with so much emotion. “I love you so much.”

Mary smiled, and the sight of her just about made Joseph ready to melt. “I love you too, Joseph,” she said breathlessly. “So, so much…”

Joseph couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He seized her lips in a hungry kiss that claimed her as his, shivering in delight as she returned it with equal passion. Her tongue met his eagerly, and followed his lead in this sultry dance. He swallowed the small noises she made into his mouth as his hands wandered across her body to strip away her clothes. The kiss only ended with some reluctance to allow him to cast aside the last piece of cloth that separated them, which he flung across the room with a small note of spite.

They weren’t separated for long, as Mary wound her arms around his neck and pulled him back. She leaned in for another kiss, only to be thwarted when Joseph suddenly straightened up. Before she realized what was happening, she suddenly found herself scooped up into his arms, and she let out a squeal as she instinctively tightened her grip on him. “Starlight!”

Though Mary tried to sound alarmed or maybe offended at being picked up without warning, the note of laughter in her voice gave away her mock protest, and Joseph couldn’t help but laugh along with her.

Joseph gave his sunshine a crooked smile, his eyes smoldering with a hunger for her that he couldn’t contain. “I think it’s about time to switch from a lap dance to a private show, don’t you think?”

Instead of answering with words, Mary pulled Joseph in for another kiss, which he was only too happy to return.

#Sunshine in Hell #Sunny Day Jack #Something's Wrong With Sunny Day Jack #SunnyDayJack #sdj #swwsdj #Headcanon Ramblings #My Writing #Joseph Cullman #Mary Phoenix #Picrew Art

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