#I guess read this in a Northern English accent - maybe Lancashire?

[a-bunch-of-bees]

Time-Traveling Gossip

Tara eased into the hot water with a gasp, slowly crouching until the water hit her buttocks, then sinking with a heavy splosh.

The other ladies in the bathhouse had watched her with interest, nevermind the fact that she was in the nuddy.

"Ee, you got lovely smooth legs, in't ya?"

The lady in the tub next to hers leaned over with interest, her generous bosoms slosh-sloshing in the agitated bathwater.

"Oh aye," said Tara, "totally hairless."

That got the attention of a few more dames and crones, and a particularly sweaty young woman said "How'd you do that then? Did you shave? Was you born wi' it?"

"Oh no," said Tara, leaning back and letting her head rest on the cloth pillow. "'Twas a witch what did it."

"No it were never!"

"This'll be a laff. Tell us, then!"

There was a collective swishing as the ladies adjusted to better take in the tale. Tara stretched her delicately depilated legs, rested one on the edge of the bath, and began her tale.

"Well y'see, I've been travellin'," she said, and a few ladies murmured. Tara had not long arrived, but she'd been here long enough that word had spread of the strange lady who came from who-knows-where. She continued, "I went travellin' to far off places, and in one of 'em, Italy, I met a witch."

Tara looked around for effect with a grave expression.

"And this witch, well, she told me this story. Some years ago now, there was a minor noble who lost a lorra money to poor seas. His trades were all sunk, but he 'ad his title and he 'ad his son and his son weren't a bad looking lad really. So he said to his son, he said, it's high time you were married. And his son said alright, so that was that.

"Now it just so 'appened that there was in the lands nearby a pleasant enough girl, who was the daughter of a rich gentleman who'd had better fortunes on the seas, and she was also about t'right age to marry. So he goes off - the son, y'know - he goes off and he starts to court this young lady.

"Now 'course she 'ad to 'ave a chaperone an' it just so 'appened that her dearest confidante was a young lass who'd grown up on the lands. Daughter of a groundskeeper or some such thing. And this lass was beautiful and kind and all the right sort of things a lad would want in a lady.

"So our young gentleman went back to his father and said, 'Father, you must let me marry this girl. She's got no money, but she's an 'eart worth an 'undred gold and more.'

"Well the father, he weren't best pleased. 'My son', he says, 'I sent you out with one job! To find a good-lookin' lass to restore our fortunes. You can't marry the girl and that's that.'

"Well, the son weren't to be put off that easy, because he were head over heels in love. So he stole off with this sweet lady and married her, all secret like, and brought her back to his father who couldn't help but love her, with her kind ways and her gentle smile. So all were forgiven!

"Except that our lady's friend, the wealthy one, well she were irate. She 'ad a pleasant enough face and a nice enough disposition and enough wealth to drown yourselves in gold, but she couldn't bear the thought o' bein' snubbed like this!

"So, she went out into the village, to find our witch - that's right, the one at the beginning of the story! - well, she finds our witch and she says 'I want revenge on a young woman who stole my man,' nevermind that t'were never her man in the first place. And she paid the witch 'andsomely for a potion t'make all your hair fall out and never grow back.

"She took this wicked potion and mixed it with fine oils and expensive perfume, and sent it to our lass, the sweet one, as a wedding present. With strict instructions to use it daily on the 'ead!

"Well what does our sweet lass do? But apply this poisoned perfume to her hair? She puts it on each day and her 'usband tells her how beautiful she smells. Not a fortnight passed but her hair falls out. It starts slowly at first, but all of it were gone within a week.

"The rich girl, she'd been waiting all gleeful-like. She waits at home for a letter, to tell her of the tragedy and mayhaps of our 'andsome noble boy having all sorts of regrets at his poor luck. But the days pass and the weeks pass and no such letter comes. So what does she do, but take a carriage to visit them?

"She waited with trepidation at the door. She were greeted by the servants and instructed to wait for the mistress. By now, she's fuming on t'inside! She thinks to 'erself that the witch 'ad her for a fool and sold her nought but a vial of sulphur-water.

"But just then, the lady of the house comes down. Sure enough, our sweet lady is completely bald. But as soon as she smiled t'were like the sun come out! Hair or none, she was a lovely lass with cow eyes and rosy cheeks. And by the looks of it, her husband were even more in love with her than the day they met.

"So our villainess, she fled out t'door without even a good day. She ran home and cut off all her hair! It didn't help her find a suitor, I can tell you. But it did help me.

"I said to this witch, 'Ee, I'll have some of that concoction.' And I paid six shillings for it! Not an 'air on me legs ever since."

One of the ladies in the bathhouse snorted and called out, "If that's true then I'm a blind billy-goat!" to giggles all round. The ladies in the bathhouse shifted as if from a spell and a hubbub rose as they argued whether a magic, hair-removing potion might really exist. Tara, sinking her now-cold, lasered leg back into the water, sponged her arms with a small smile.