#I guess as a way to apologise and talk candidly about things you are less likely to get upset about because they're unfamiliar

[vilevexedvixen]

"One sided beef"

@sunshinecatie I tried explaining myself, you went "I'm sorry you're hurt" rather than actually apologising.

You willfully misrepresented my opinion that Ed wouldn't kill Jon over him and Susan consensually banging based on canon dialogue rather than buried fics and roped Dee into it instead of just agreeing to disagree until pushed to do so.

I reached out to understand what went wrong. Twice. The second time when I realised your reasons still did not make sense. You WERE upset, why? Wording. What wording? I did not put "I think" at the start or otherwise phrase my opinion as an AU, OC or headcanon.

You doubled down and kept making it about wording when I, like Lunar, say what I mean and the aggression you took from it (on the discord) was projection on your part. However, this post is what it looks like when I am actually angry at you.

Which became a snowball self-fullfilling prophecy because you kept claiming I was angry in the original interaction when I wasn't (which in itself was aggrevating). Eventually making me genuinely angry.

At this point, I:

a. Neither expect nor deserve forgiveness from you or anyone you consider a friend

b. Do not trust the discord to be a safe space for anyone except those you already consider a friend, which is why I left. Because it quickly turned out to not be a fun Rogues fandom chat, and instead Catie's Corner.

c. Do not trust the sincerity of anything you say, given how thoroughly you have repeatedly warped my very straightforward frustrations with your inability to live and let live different interpretatons of canon text (you were only ok with the idea of Ed's actions being confined to an AU, OC or headcanon; when discussion of canon text is very standard procedure in fandom and the act of doing so in itself is not reason for upset, but it proved to be for you, which is why I started to consider you a more controlling person - which likely does not reflect yourself generally).

If you were actually going to reach out to rekindle a nonexistent friendship, you would have. Don't pretend you actually give a shit when you have done nothing but deny, deflect and distance. That is an especially shallow attempt to gage sympathy instead of actually doing better. You don't care about "fixing things", all you care about is making this (me) go away so you don't have to deal with it.

I also do not expect you to agree with my perspective on things, given how prone you have proven to be to misinterpreting people.

So let me be clear.

I was not angry in the discord when all this started.

I am now very angry for how you refused to see that I was not originally angry and instead focussed entirely on how you disliked how you felt I was saying you were "wrong".

You are not "wrong".

I did not say you were "wrong".

My phrasing, to anyone but you, clearly did not even imply you were wrong. It was a disagreement / counterpoint sure, but nothing argumentative or insulting.

Let me repeat.

Me disaggreeing with you does not mean you are wrong!

Also! If people besides me DO for whatever reason think you are wrong, then THAT IS OK!

Disagreement is not invalidation.

Your focus on thinking I needed validation was honestly a bit perplexing.

I was baffled you freaked out over me thinking Ed wouldn't do X. Because whatever I think about Ed doesn't mean you need to think the same thing. I gave my reason for why I thought what I thought. That wasn't an argument. That was just making sure you understood why I thought that about Ed, even if you don't agree.

I vented my anger on my personal account because I did not want to bother people but still wanted to get out how I felt. I have virtually no following, so considered it basically posting into the void the same as any other rant post. I thought the block would keep the post local to my blog. Trying to rebuild this bridge while I still had this box of matches in my pocket would not end well. I would be holding in everything I grew to hate about you through gritted teeth. I do not think like you do, I need actual closure to move on and that is not possible here.

I was frustrated that at every point I attempted to talk to you, you never listened and we just came out further misunderstanding each other.

==>You are not at fault. <==

Silence doesn't feel like mending, or peace, just an indefinite continuation of whatever note was left on.

I also am not vague posting. I am very specifically posting about my exact feelings about fandom discourse and the ways I disagree with your attitude towards it. My non-fandom rants are not about you, your actions have however triggered (inappropriately, I must add) those non-fandom (trauma / mental health) rants.

No it is not your fault. No this is not an attempt at pity farming. It just happens sometimes. Sometimes things people do remind me of past abusers (and yes, your misunderstandings, mannerisms and thought patterns (in terms of what you share online) very closely resemble a narcissistic abuser of mine I have since cut ties with. Does that mean you are narcissistic or abusive? No. The similarities are likely entirely superficial, but it does explain (though not excuse) the misfire), and that exacerbates whatever more mild feelings were initially experienced into a full-blown episode. Again, no that is not your fault, it is just a thing that happens that I am working on and has genuinely improved from the shit show it was before starting medication.

I love the Rogues Podcast. I'm glad you enjoy it as much as I do. I have since 2015, I think. Long before I started social media or any community interaction. I have come to not love the community, which IS yours more than it is Dee's and Codot's, especially these days.

Asking questions is not the issue, it's how you lord yourself over others for being someone asking Dee and Codot questions that is the issue. Again, you are not listening.

For the sake of levity, and because it is how I feel:

One measly interview does not grant you the authority you seem to think you have. You can reframe my anger however you wish, but that does not change the fact that at no point have you actually listened to a single thing I have been trying to tell you that others have perfectly understood without issue, making it clear it isn't my wording.

This is actually why I partially blamed your behaviour on you being American. Silly, I know. But in all the communities (with a mix of fans from across the globe) I have enjoyed interacting with, it has always been American fans that start shit and blame it on me / something innocuous I said. Always.

Granted, that was only one or two other times (once with a Legend of Korra fan and another with a far right Fallout fan) so my sample size is small but still.

Autistic people aren't all the same. It stands to reason that speech and mannerisms will generally differ across countries. What wording you need to feel unbothered is VERY specifically with added reassurance. In the discord I felt like I needed to follow up everything with something to go "You're valid (Catie)!" to keep you placated. It's not like I waltzed in there are picked the fights that ended up happening. I waltzed in their and started talking about Rogues and other stuff I like.

This is a side-tangent, but my feelings towards the ways we miscommunicated with each other are much like my mum's feelings towards most software she uses for work demanding the use of American spellings and American grammar even when set to "British English", which is clearly a completely superficial setting that doesn't actually adhere to British grammar and spelling.

So I lashed out in frustration. And rather than confront me yourself, you called upon Codot and the discord to do it for you, or at the very least so they would hear your version of the story first so they come into this with your story already in mind. Telling people you treat like goons to tell me to back off doesn't work. It just validates my unflattering view of you. Sorry.

I have tried to be as clear as possible in this post.

If it upsets you, fine.

The only thing I ask is that you please do not feel threatened or upset when people besides me discuss Rogues!Ed (and the Rogues podcast as a whole on a deeper level than just "Wow! I LOVE that character!", "That line was SO funny!", etc.). Not as an AU, OC or headcanon, but just how they see them in text. Otherwise this will happen all over again, just with someone else. And it will be your fault.

[evelyn-wei]

Week 1

What is your responsibility as a creative practitioner to the oldest continuing culture we live in? What does it look like?

DISCLAIMER

First of all, before I get into any kind of detailed response I want to acknowledge that I am of European and Chinese descent, therefore my “voice” and experience is from a position of white Australian privilege. I am not confident in my education or understanding of First Nation people and that is the result of poor education through primary school, high school and university and also, the lack of my personal engagement and education. Again, coming from poor education, if I have used any terms incorrectly or insensitively, I apologise in advance and I will try my best to make my point clear. Terminology changes with the times and its hard to keep up! 

EDUCATION

As a student in the School of Education at UNSW, I completed a sociology course (EDST1104) in my first year which emphasised on not only properly educating children about First Nation Australians but, also incorporating their culture as apart of classroom behaviour. Its been quite a while since I’ve taken this subject but, I remember learning that learning techniques and learning perspectives that have been taught to Indigenous Australians are quite different to what is taught in Australian schools today. Perhaps one of the factors with large numbers of Indigenous Australian students fall into lower grades in public schools is because they may not be using methods of learning which are better suited to their culture. It was proposed that a response to these statistics should be to bring as much First Nation education and learning behaviours into the classroom as possible. 

Firstly, I found the whole subject very interesting and I was a surprised that this information was so new to me and only available through this one particular course (or more the fact that it was the first course I had taken which had genuinely addressed some real issues). And if UNSW believes this course is valuable for the educational field, is it not therefore valuable to other fields? Are science students taking courses on how to incorporate First Nation Australia into a contemporary Australian context? Why/why not? I was actually so glad we talked about it more in class this week for ADAD because it is (sadly only) the second time it has come up at all in all, after almost 5 years of being at three university campuses. 

Another example of educating students properly would be to begin incorporating languages of First Nation Australians into our everyday language. For example, incorporating Dharuk terms (or whatever is preferred/relevant) into schools/institutions in the Eora Nation. 

A few years ago I found a video of a student in New Zealand who expresses the tragedy of the dying Maori language in New Zealand and proposes ways to revive it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6-SdrRxPOQ&list=PLVKLKETRnjI8-j3CXz0LEtvQ2gbuYZ6sR

As a creative practitioner, just by being more aware of your country’s heritage and exisiting in a sustained First Nation culture coexisting with contemporary Australian culture, you can already begin to perceive not only your personal world differently but, the world around you. I would say about 80% of my artistic practice and identity is purely just being me, doing my everyday activities whether that be running errands, hobbies or working - all of which contribute to my creative inspiration. Perhaps a small 20% of my time is actually dedicated to the physical act of creating a work. How you see and think about the world shapes the things you care about and take interest in and almost all of my artworks tend to be about something I am interested in. So, imagine what could change if I just saw the world differently from being properly educated. Language is so important. To me, it could be something as minor as driving back and forth to Ulladulla  as a child and reading the signage as I passed each town. Each town’s name (Ulladulla, Yatte Yattah, Narrawallee, Mollymook...there’s tonnes!) is from the Aboriginal language and each sign describes its meaning. So, it could be something as simple as me explaining to other people where I’m from, and then I have that constant visual memory of town signage and knowing that the land once belonged to First Nation Australians. 

http://www.ulladulla.info/place-names

One last thing I have to say about education is that after our Thursday ADAD lesson, I spoke to a friend about it (who also studies at UNSW). I said in just about every COFA lecture/tutorial, the teachers always acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land. I asked her whether they did this at UNSW in general or whether it was just something actively done by COFA and the School of Education. She said none of her teachers do this for her courses. Acknowledgement of First Nation Australia isn’t the be all and end all of our responsibility, we certainly don’t deserve a pat on the back for it but, it should be a basic start and it saddens me that UNSW contradicts itself by validating a subject which encourages incorporating Indigenous culture into our contemporary education yet, mere acknowledgements have to be a personal initiative taken by academics. Without being tokenistic, these things should be second nature to us.

CREATIVE PRACTICE

If we, as students are the next generation of creative practitioners, then it is our responsibility to educate ourselves now so that when we are in a position to help change popular culture, we can help give and share the voices to those who may not be heard otherwise. For example, film director Taika Waititi (a personal favourite!) is part Maori and was awarded New Zealander of the Year this year for drawing the world’s attention to life in New Zealand. His characters and supporting actors are often of Maori descent. His work pays homage to his country’s heritage in a contemporary context that is relatable not only to New Zealanders but the rest of the world. His scripts candidly throw in Maori phrases and colloquialisms which normalises a healthy coexistence of both indigenous and contemporary New Zealand cultures. I personally find him inspirational for actively creating work that reminds us of where New Zealand was, is and could be in the future. In 2016 he begun filming Thor 3 in Brisbane and made it a priority to hire Indigenous Australians “It’s a responsibility you have to the indigenous people. You’re coming to a country and you’re bringing money into the economy and creating jobs, but I think you have an even bigger responsibility to look after the people that have less opportunities.” I keep using New Zealand as an example because they are finally getting their Indigenous communities recognised through popular culture and that is thanks to one artist. Its sad that someone from overseas does something small for Indigenous Australians and the whole country gives him a pat on the back. I mean great work Taika, of course! But why aren’t we doing this ourselves? Australians should take note from Waititi and start our own discussion. I heard one reference to Indigenous Australians in “Arrival” and I was shocked someone overseas knew anything about our history - that’s how bad it is.

http://www.avclub.com/article/read-why-taika-waititi-sought-aboriginal-crew-memb-240673

So, after a long winded ramble about stuff I reaaaally don’t know anything about, I guess my point is this - as creative pracitioners it is our responsibility (and the university’s) to educate ourselves as much as we can while we are still in a crucial growing period. Studying films at university such as “Samson and Delilah” or “Ten Canoes”  are just two examples of how I’ve learned so much from so little. I’ve watched a plenty of films about New Zealand or the struggle of African Americans but hardly anything about First Nation Australians. 

If we are fully informed about our history across all fields in education (not just art and history), our personal perspectives on the world around us are bound to change and that is where our creativity for change is affected. Just because you are not of indigenous heritage does not mean you cannot collaborate or work towards helping First Nation people have their voices heard in pop culture and society in general. You don’t have to create work directly concerning First Nation Australia but you can certainly embrace it and incorporate it into your everyday life. You never know what people will read into your work and if we just saw our country a little more for what it really is, anything is possible.