#I genuinely can't tell if this 1st chaotery is entertaining in any way but oh well🤷

[otherpeoplesheartachept-2]

Date Night

chpt 1: Who Knew Goblin Kidnappings Took so Long?

To get into the Halloween spirit I’m writing a Shep/Penny Halloween-ish themed fic! 

You can read the first chapter here on Ao3 (or below the read more cut)

I plan on posting a new chapter every Sunday of October. And I’m trying to do this just for fun and not let myself get paralyzed by details and such so apologies in advance for any grammar errors or inconsistencies with cannon lol

I hope you enjoy it!

Pairing: Penelope Bunce/Shepard Love

Lengths: 3389 words

Warnings: awtwb spoilers, non-graphic depictions of violence

-

My head feels like it’s being split down the middle with an axe. It hurts to open my eyes; the world is too bright. When my eyes adjust to the light I take in a room I’ve never seen before. It’s lit by a single overhead light bulb, there are no windows, and the walls are painted this deep green. I’m sat in a metal folding chair in the center of the floor. I move to stand but my arms and legs are tied down. The rest of the room appears empty. I’m facing the only door out but it’s closed (and probably locked).

Fuck.

I run through recent events of my life trying to figure out how I ended up here.

Penny and I have been back in the UK for a few days; she really wanted to come back for October and Simon’s been not-so-subtly hinting that he misses her a lot every time they talk on the phone. It’s been good so far, Baz and Simon have been nice enough to let us crash in their living room because I wasn’t about to let Penny spell a whole month’s worth of hotel expenses (and neither of us have that kind of money). Their couch is a murphy bed so we’ve been pretty comfortable. I was at Simon’s before this, we were hanging out playing Mario Cart. Penny had gone to visit her family and then we were going to meet later tonight at this conservatory for plants from around East Asia for our date.

I was headed out to my Uber to go to the conservatory when someone asked me for a cigarette but before I could answer he-

Oh shit! I’m going to be so late to date night!

A few months into our relationship Penny and I decided that every Sunday would be designated date night. With both of us being busy with things in the Normal world and the Magickal world, it’s easy to put a relationship on the backburner. But we’re committed to not letting that happen. I’d be a damn fool if I let Penelope Bunce fall to the wayside of my life. So we named Sundays as date night, and we haven’t missed a single once since then. Until now. I’ve got to figure out how to get out of here.

I can’t move my arms or legs much but I shift in the chair and I can feel my phone in my back pocket. I then twist to press my jacket’s pocket against the back off the chair. Nothing’s in the pocket, which means whoever put me here (probably the man that asked for a smoke) took my dagger. (Penny insisted I keep a weapon on me after she had to save me from a very violent harmadillo. They’re like armadillos but bigger, and with mouths that can actually bite you. It was terrifying (and so cool). I’m not the biggest fan of carrying a dagger, but it makes her feel better, and just having a dagger doesn’t mean I’m going to actually use it.) (I would like to use it to cut myself out of these ropes though.) At least I have my phone, I can work with that.

It’s been a few minutes since I came to and no one has checked on me, but I think I hear voices on the other side of the door so I try to be quick and quiet.

It takes some uncomfortable squirming, but I manage to get my phone out of my pocket and into my hands that are tied behind my back, over the back of the chair. Now I just have call Penny. Luckily I have her as an emergency contact on the lock screen of my phone so I’ve got to blindly tap until hopefully I press that part of the screen.

It takes me a minute but after some taping I hear the phone faintly ringing. If I weren’t tied down I’d high five myself right now. I randomly press around again until I get the phone on speaker.

“Hello?” Penelope answers.

“Heyyyyy baby, you’re not going to like this, but…” I say, trying not to speak too loud.

“Shepard,” she says with a warning tone.

“Listen I-”

“You are not missing our date, Shepard,” she says so matter-of-fact-ly. As if her simply stating it will make it true.

“I’m not! It’s just uh… I’ve been kidnapped.”

“You can pause your game with Simon. I promise he’ll only cry a little.”

“No, Penny, I’m serious. I was leaving Simon and Baz’s apartment and then there was this guy and I think he knocked me out and-” I stop talking because the noise from the other room gets louder. It sounds like someone is coming down stairs to the door, but then a voice calls them back and I hear them walk back up the stairs.

“And now I’m in a dark creepy room tied to a chair.” I rush to finish.

The line is silent for a moment.

“Stevie Nicks,” Penny finally exhales. “Where are you? Who kidnapped you? What do they want with you?”

“I don’t know! I was knocked out and now I’m all alone, tied to a chair in a room with no windows!” I’m trying not to panic, but saying it all out loud like that makes me a bit panicky.

She hums in acknoledgement. “Okay, well you called me, can you figure out where you are on google maps?”

“No. Hands are stuck behind my back. We’re lucky I even managed to call you.”

Penny thinks for a bit.  

“Don’t worry, I can still make it to you, might take a little longer though,” she says.

“Uh, how?” I ask maybe a bit too skeptically. Lord knows if Penelope Bunce wants to get something done she will get it done.

“I put a tracking spell on you months ago, but you’re usually so good at not getting into life threatening situations without me that I’ve never had a chance to use it.” Penny casually explains.

“You what?” I should probably be mad about that, but I’m mostly intrigued. And a bit flattered, I wonder how much magic it takes to maintain a tracking spell.

“I put one on Simon too. After having to negotiate with traitorous vampires, and almost getting killed saving Agatha I figured life would be a lot easier if I had a quick, surefire way to find anyone important in my life.”

“Aw, I’m important to you?” I smile, teasing her.

I can’t see it but I know Penny is rolling her eyes.

Before I can get the conversation back on track I hear footsteps coming down the stairs to me again.

“I think someone’s coming. Gotta go,” I whisper.

“Try not to die before I get there,” she says before hanging up.

I quickly shove my phone under my ass just as the handle on the door starts to turn. I try to calm myself; Penny is amazing and capable of practically anything. I’m sure her spell will work.

A creature with skin green like an olive steps into the room. He’s kind of short and lean but quite muscular, with plush ruby red lips that cover sharp dangerous looking teeth. He’s got this sexy 80s-hair-metal look going. Must be a goblin. (I’ve never met one but Simon told me they’re dead handsome. He also told me they all really want him dead but didn’t get in to why).

“Hi, I’m Shepard.” I say in a friendly tone. I move to offer a handshake on reflex, but I just pull against my restraints.

The goblin just grunts.

“You’re a goblin, right? What’s your name?” I ask.

“You are going to tell us everything you know about him,” the goblin states.

“Who?” I ask, playing dumb.

“The King Killer.”

Okay maybe I am dumb, I thought we were talking about Simon.

The goblin continues, realizing I don’t know what he’s talking about.

“The Chosen Mage. Mage Prince. Your Prophesied One.” His voice is low and gravely.

Yeah definitely Simon then. (Did he kill their king? Jesus, no wonder the goblins are out to get him).

“Oh. Well I’m not a Speaker, I’m a Normal so I don’t know that I’d be very useful-”

The goblin steps closer, grabs me by the jaw, and slams my mouth shut. It makes me teeth ache.

“Do not feed me lies, Normal,” he says with a menacing grin. The goblin leans in, still griping my jaw. His hand feels smooth yet hard, like polished metal. His breath smells of raw meat, and fogs my glasses a little. This close I can see flecks of green in his lovely pale blue eyes. “We have seen you with the Mage Prince. We caught you leaving his home.”

To punctuate the end of his sentence the goblin pushes me back hard enough to lift my chair’s front legs off the ground for a moment.

His intimidation tactics are working—I’m more than a little scared. (But also a bit thrilled to be intimidated by a goblin.)

“Okay yes, I know him. But I really don’t know much about the prophesy. Or even that he’s a king killer. Simon killed your king?”

“Yes!” the goblin growls exasperated.

“That must have been tough for your whole community,” I try to sympathize. Simon and Penny are great, but they’ve also done a lot of damage to a lot of magickal creatures. “Has it been a hard transition from the old king to your new ruler?”

“There is no new king,” he spits. “That’s why the mage must die—his head for the throne.”

“Sorry, I’m not super familiar with goblin politics. You have to kill Simon to get a new king?” I ask trying to figure out how this works. I have so many questions about goblin politics that I didn’t have a minute ago.

“Whoever kills the mage becomes the king.” He says like it’s so obvious he’s wasting breath explaining it. “Maybe you really are useless,” he says more to himself that me.

“Ah yeah,” I let out a little huff of air, “but I think I get it now. You’re trying to be the next goblin king by killing the ‘King Killer���?”

He looks perplexed by my question.

“I will not be king,” he grumbles, then pauses like he’s considering the possibility. A look of sadness crosses his face, but he shakes his head and it’s gone, replaced with his previous annoyance.

“I’m tired of your stupid questions!” the goblin growls and raises a fist like he’s going to punch me.

“What is taking so bloody long in there!” a voice shouts from behind the door.

It distracts the goblin from punching me, his fist lowers.

“The human, he’s-”

The door opens and two more goblins step into the room. Both also very attractive. They look like they all belong in a rock band together. Is the entire species good looking? Do they all dress like good looking musicians? Surely that’s not possible.

“You haven’t even hurt him yet,” one of the new goblins admonishes, moving to the right of the first goblin. He’s the tallest of the three.

“Well he did threaten me! If that helps,” I let out a little laugh, trying to make things less tense. “Hi, I’m Shepard, and you guys are…?”

“Shut him up,” The tall goblin says, tilting his head towards me and looking at the goblin who hasn’t said anything yet.

The third goblin steps towards me with a menacing look in his eyes. He’s a wall of pure muscle.

“Hey now, I know I’m friends with your enemy but can’t we just talk?” I say, my voice pitching up a little with my growing anxiety. When is Penelope supposed to get here?

The goblin slaps me across the face.

I gasp. Pain blooms across my cheek. He hit with such force I think it popped my neck. Jesus Christ.

“Now,” the tall goblin says to get my attention. He must be the leader of this little gang. (Maybe he’s going to be king if they kill Simon?) “We’ve heard the Mage Prince doesn’t have his blade anymore, but he’s not defenseless. You’re going to tell us what his weaknesses are.”

“Wait, he has a sword,” I correct him. “I mean, it’s not the same one, but a sword’s a sword.” Penny would tell me not to give them any information, but I think letting the goblins know Simon has a sword again works in his favor, not theirs.

“You lie,” the leader says calmly.

The burly one slaps me on my other cheek.

“Fuck,” I wince. My whole face stings. And my glasses have been knocked askew. “I’m not lying!”

“If you don’t give us useful information, Greg won’t be as kind as he’s been so far.” The leader speaks, nodding towards the first goblin I met. (I wonder if all goblins have human names, or maybe they adopt different names to interact with humans. Do goblins have their own languages or do they only speak human languages? I really wish I could have met these guys under better circumstances.)

Greg pulls my dagger out of his back pocket and grins. Even his intimidating grin is kind of sexy—which is weird to realize. He unsheathes the dagger and steps in front of me, replacing the buff goblin. The buff goblin moves behind me and grips my hair. I tense up in response which causes his grip to tighten painfully. The tip of the dagger touches my chin. I do my best not to squirm.

“What are your prophesied mage’s weaknesses? Answer quickly,” the leader demands.

I stutter out a few non-words. I truly don’t know what to tell them; even if I wanted to rat Simon out I don’t have any useful information. It’s not like we discuss combat strategies together.

Greg grows impatient and presses the dagger into my chin harder. Very slowly is breaks the skin. I squeeze my eyes shut from the pain. I feel a drop of blood slid down the length of the blade.

“I’m sorry. Really,” I breath out, “I’m just his friend I don’t know about weaknesses or-or-”

Greg looks back at the leader and he nods. Greg moves the dagger to my neck. The goblin behind me jerks me closer to the weapon. I tense up in anticipation.

There’s a crash at the bottom of the stairs. Everyone’s heads turn towards the open door. Penny stands there, black coat swishing behind her. I think she flew herself down the stairs, like some kind of avenging angel.

The goblins move to attack her but Penny is quicker than them. In a flash her ring hand is held out firmly in front of her.

“Shot through the heart!” Penelope’s voice booms.

Her magic crackles in the air (it smells like sage and honey). Something sparks from her ring and shoots through the three goblins’ chests. They all collapse to the ground. My dagger clangs on the concrete floor when Greg hits the ground.

Penelope stands into the doorway, chest moving up and down with heavy breaths. She’s taken a wide stance, those adorable Mary Janes she wears almost touching opposite ends of the doorframe. She’s in this lovely dark blue shimmery dress, a black coat that reaches her mid-calf. Her wavy hair’s up in a loose bun with little wispies framing her face. Penny looks stunning and heroic. My hero.

“Thank God you’re here!” I breathe, relaxing into the chair. I know I must look incredibly love-struck.

Penny steps into the room, and over the dead leader goblin.

“They say that spell only works if you’re sufficiently angry at your romantic partner,” Penny tells me, but her small smirk gives her away.

I cringe anyway. “I really am sorry about being late to our date. If I’d known goblin kidnappings take this long, I would have left Simon’s sooner.”

Her smile gets wider as she spells me free from the ropes. “You wouldn’t just avoid the goblins?” She asks.

“And miss my chance to meet goblins? C’mon, you know me better than that.”

I rub my wrists; they’re a little irritated from the ropes. Penny offers me a hand up and I take it.

“Damn, it really is too late to go to the garden,” I say after checking my phone. The place closes in half an hour. I don’t even know where we are or how far we are from the conservatory.

“Yeah, but this was fun,” Penny responds, stepping further into my personal space. I wrap my arms around her waist.

“You have to tell me about this fancy tracking spell of yours,” I smile, taking a small step forward.

She takes a small step back. And bumps into Greg’s body.

I scrunch up my nose and wince.

“You didn’t kill them, did you?” I ask, despite being pretty sure of the answer.

“They kidnapped you! And had a knife to your throat!” she argues, instantly defensive. Penny turns away from me and steps over Greg.  

“You’ve done worse to me,” I counter, bending down to retrieve my dagger. I close Greg’s eyelids before catching up with my girlfriend.

“They’re goblins Shepard; they’re not nice and they want us dead.”

I roll my eyes. “We need to have a serious conversation about your murderous tendencies,” I say. She didn’t even try to talk to them. I mean sure, in this case the goblins were threatening me, and probably were about to kill me, but Penelope didn’t know that.

We walk out of the room I was in and up the stairs into what looks like an abandoned kitchen. Must be an old run down house that the goblins moved into. Or maybe they just use it as a kidnapping spot. I would have loved to learn more about how goblins live. Maybe someday I can find some goblins that don’t want Simon Snow dead.

“Without my murderous tendencies, you’d be dead fifteen times by now. Besides, didn’t Simon tell you they have it out for him?” Penny says, moving through the kitchen and the living room and holding the front door open for me.

“Yeah, because apparently he killed their king!” I exclaim, stepping out into the cool night air.

“Are you seriously taking the goblins’ side right now?” Penny closes the front door with a slam.

“Okay okay,” I back off. “I don’t have the full story; I’m not taking anybody’s side,” I pause, then smirk, “yet.”

“What, you going to join the goblin uprising?” Penny giggles.

We step down the front porch steps and start walking down the side walk. I don’t know which way is home so I follow Penelope’s lead. It’s a nice night, chilly but not windy or raining. The sky is clear enough you can see some of the stars.

“Oh you don’t know the half of it. I’m already a secret double agent.”

“Ohhhhh I see.” Penny sarcastically says.

She takes my hand and laces our fingers. She feels a little cold, so I bring our hands to my mouth and kiss her fingers.

“What? You couldn’t tell my by charming smile and irresistible good looks?” I playfully jab her with my elbow.

She snorts. “Sweet Morgana! I was blindsided by your charm and wit-” she dramatically turns away from me and places the back of her hand on her forehead “-were your feelings for me ever real, Shepard Love? If that even is your name-” she clutches the front of her dress “-How many mage secrets have you taken to the enemies?”

“So many, Penelope Bunce. It’s too late for your kind. The World of Mages is coming down in flames and its all because you trusted a handsome stranger.”

I barely make it through the sentence before busting out laughing. Penny joins me and it’s a solid minute before we’re getting our breathing back to normal.

The walk back is a bit long, but we missed our original date, so it’s nice to spend the time together. When we make it back to Simon and Baz’s apartment, they’re both asleep. So we do our best to be quiet getting ready for bed and patching up my split chin.