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bestillandremember · 5 years ago

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It’s been almost three months since I left England and came back to Phoenix. I don’t think I’ve been able to process much. I essentially had to hit the ground running with my life in Arizona, which wasn’t a bad thing. I was looking forward to making changes, and creating a healthy environment for me here at home. Then I got home, and I coasted. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and going over the significant moments before, during, and after England.

Before England, I was at the mercy of some pretty severe emotional extremes. My highs and lows would be peaks and valleys I could never predict or control. I could look at my life objectively, and see that I had everything I needed. I have a great family, a small group of close supportive, loving friends, a house with two incredible roommates, a job that I see growth in, a stupid cute dog, a reliable car. The list could go on. I knew what I have to be grateful for, yet I always felt like I was walking along the edge.

Arriving at Capernwray, I was finally able to experience a glimpse of what I think my heart was always searching for. Surrounded by like-minded people, all healing and seeking the Lord earnestly and honestly, in a place pretty close to heaven on earth for me. I don’t think I can really sum up my experience there, but I’ve chosen a few.

1. There’s an area called the loop, which is basically a mile and a half walk around the property. Capernwray, on all sides, is surrounded by green hills lined with sheep, cows, and the occasional horse. It’s removed from the world, a narrow one lane road leads to and away from it. Walking that circle provided some of the deepest peace I’ve ever felt. It was like seeing the world as God intended it, and on top of that, it was like He was telling me He was there. He got me here, a place He knew would speak to me on a level that would bring me closer to Him. With the sun shining, the wind enveloping me, and some of the most vibrant colors and smells every where I looked- He met me there.

2. I met a few women there- Alex, Kelly, Melissa, Selina, Helen, and Sue who were exactly what my heart needed while I was processing the things in my life. They helped me seeing myself differently. They helped me name my pain. Identify the abuse in my past, and release some of the self-blame I was harboring. They listened, they laughed, they invested, and they prayed for me. And over me. Every night. Something that hammered away at me, because it made me uncomfortable but it was something I desperately needed. These women helped me see outside myself, and look at the world around me more closely. But more on them later.

3. I learned that there’s room for opinion when it comes to religion, but there’s only room for relationship when it comes to God. I don’t have to listen to everyone that is 50+ years or older and take their word as law. Their race is not my race, their experience is not my experience. I can ask questions and I can voice my beliefs without fear, even if they differ from the teachers I respect as people. Or students I value as peers. My only responsibility is to myself and my Creator, and I owe it to Him to pursue answers on my own, not accept their words as His.

4. One of the speakers, probably the most unlikely teachers I would connect with, prayed over me. He asked me a lot of questions before. Heard my history and my painful past. He shared a word: Trust, and then shared an image. He told me I reminded him of a Pillsbury pastry can that you peel the label off and it pops open. That I was just waiting for someone to peel my label back so I can be myself openly. Then he prayed for me, and the words he said disappeared the minute he took my hand. His hands were huge, soft, and warm. And I know it’s crazy…but for a split second, I felt like it was my Heavenly Father holding my hand. It was quick, and faded fast, but I felt like He tried to make physical contact in a way he knew I needed.

To go back to #2- the absolute best part of Capernwray was the people. There were 100+ people that I can genuinely say impacted my life individually in some way, big or small. There were a few that I want to highlight individually and share with anyone that wants to get to know them too.

Alex- THIS GIRL. She’s adorably Irish, and has to be one of the most welcoming personalities I’ve met in a long time. People are drawn to how genuine and accepting she is, and I truly believe it is going to make her an exceptional doctor. Yeah, she’s 27 and a doctor. Needless to say, this girl is smart, capable, loving, compassionate, and a listener. I watched this girl listen to not only her two roommates, who occasionally literally talked her into a slumber, but make time for just about everyone in addition to driving many of us around. Patience incarnate, that’s Alex. I felt almost instantly comfortable being myself and sharing things with her in a confidence she often wordlessly established.

Kelly- Talk about a big heart. Kelly has a desire to know people and be known. It took ten weeks to fully understand the depths of just how much this girl cares about people, but by the end of school, I had a gained a bosom sister. For weeks, we talked, shared, laughed, cried, pizza’d, bonded over Jane Austen, and attended church together. This girl offered a genuine vulnerability I haven’t seen in a long time, in an effort to love me better every time. It wasn’t easy, but that’s what made it so real, she put everything she had into sharing herself with others as honestly as she could, even if it was painful. She did the same with her relationship with the Lord. Because that’s who she is, she wants to learn so she can love. She was brave. She was honest. She was genuine. She’s Kelly! And that’s just scratching the surface.

Melissa- BUMBLE BEE. Actually, she is more like a butterfly, full of life and joy. I still remember when she asked to sit next to me on the bus on our first Saturday trip, and I was fully prepared to put headphones in and zone out. Soon enough, we were talking about home, how her and her husband met, our family lives and exchanging sister stories. Then we spent all day together in Keswick, and I was officially sold on Mel. She wanted to get ice cream and take pictures, and it became clear that she love to live life to the fullest and she wanted to include as many people as she could in that. So began a beautiful and honest friendship. She is a trusted friend, and earned my confidence more quickly than almost anyone I’ve met. She’s an active listener, and provides sage and sound advice. Her faith is one I want to emulate, it’s open and engaged. It’s one of the first things you learn about her, and I respect that. That and her snack drawer ;)

Selina- This girl is a German firecracker. She has a laugh that is contagious, and loves to learn about other people and cultures. She would provide daily entertainment on her interpretations of English words, and she was always up for snacks and chats. She loved to pray and discuss important things, but she was big on fun. She loves her grandma, and has a heart for those who are non-believers. She’s got strong opinions that are rooted in an even more powerful faith. Women’s pastoral care is her passion, and she constantly wants to learn and grow so she can help others do the same. She wants to help others heal, and find God in their own story and lives, and I greatly respected the sweet soul she shared with people. And I loved having an excuse to sing Miss New Booty from across the campus, let’s be honest here.

Helen- This friendship is one I never could have expected. Helen is a highly accomplished woman from Manchester that has been a social worker for years. She and her service dog Venice we our neighbors. Helen has cerebral palsy, with a story and perspective on life that humbled mine daily. Over the weeks, we talked in great detail about our lives before and after Jesus. The every day struggles we had. If anyone helped me process my pain the most, it was Helen. Even without knowing full details, she could see it, identify it, and looked me straight in the eye and said “It’s not your fault”. No prompting. This woman could see into people’s souls with an honesty that rivaled almost everyone I know. She was truthful, even if it came off blunt and brutal, it was in love and care that she offered her wisdom. She had a unique view of the world, and refused to play the victim or let anyone claim ignorance. She has an educator’s heart, and advocates for those she cares about. She was my safe space, someone I didn’t feel like I had to share every nitty gritty detail with to find peace.

Sue- This woman followed my journey since the very beginning. I had no clue as I was trying to get to Capernwray, that I had a woman like this campaigning for me. She was the registrar when I very first applied, years ago, and woman I stayed in contact with as I struggled to get there. Every roadblock I faced, she prayed, and then everything suddenly lined up. When I got to Capernwray, I had no doubt it was because of Sue. I was there to attend her final Spring school after decades of serving the students that came through its big wooden doors. Sue is a servant, it’s the best word to describe her. She is a force, with an incredible sense of humor and a heart this is 100% dedicated to others. She loves being a source for the female students and staff to come and drink tea, talk Jesus, and find safety in her office as we discussed some of the hardest things to voice. Doubt. Sadness. Confusion. Broken hearts and shattered plans. This woman had a direct connection to the Big Man upstairs, I swear. Every girl to pass through her doors felt seen, heard, and known with zero expectation. Which is a gift I can’t begin to explain.

I also want to talk about my family group for a second. Capernwray strung this group of people together that, although it was random, could not have been accidental. Our leaders Dino, Christian, and Sabine quickly became friends and mentors. Kelly, Alex, and I ended up in the same group with Daniel (Brazil), Jun (South Korea), Maddie (Canada), Jess (US), and Julie (France). These guys truly became siblings by the end of our 10 weeks. Daniel was the fiercely protective and thoughtful brother, with a wisdom beyond his years. Jun, while a bit of mystery, provided endless entertainment and a story I wanted to hear more about. Maddie and I bonded over Marvel comics and End Game, and her sense of humor was something I was constantly envious of. Jess…what a special girl. She had a connection to the Lord and a maturity that I have been searching for my entire life. Julie had a beauty about her, hard to describe but felt by everyone and even heard in her words (she once prayed for me and described me as a flower waiting to bloom, nearly brought me to tears).

Capernwray gave me family all over the world. It showed me that everyone is broken. That everyone doubts. That everyone is just trying the best version of themselves in a world trying it’s best to knock us down and lie to us about who that is. The craziest thing is that it’s nothing new. The Bible is riddled with stories of people the Lord chose and picked up out of the rubble of their lives and built a legacy that would display His glory for thousands of years. It was the first time I read the Bible and saw a chronological story. I was enraptured in a way I never had been before. I saw flaws and drama in the story of Moses, wanted to defend Joshua and his incredible leadership that followed, and laughed at how sassy Jesus was.

One of the biggest steps I took at Capernwray was letting it become the place where I could say I was, in fact, in an abusive relationship that I let isolate me and continue to hurt me long after I took back control. I stopped minimizing the effect it had on me, so I could move past it. I stopped hiding it, so I could let others in and learned I wasn’t the only one. I identified a vicious cycle I had been drowning in for years. Most importantly, I started to heal.

I knew Caperwray wasn’t going to be the glue that brought everything in my life back together. I knew I wouldn’t find every answer there. However I got closer to the Lord than I ever have been in my entire life there. I lived in ministry for as long as I could remember, but it took seeing God through international eyes to discover my story wasn’t special. I had an army of people who knew the same pain, confusion, and doubt I did and together we discovered the community He intended for His people. No perfection, pretenses, or deception. Honest, vulnerable exposure to the truth of the Bible and our calling.

For that, I am forever grateful. However, it did make it hard to go back. I wanted to make changes and set boundaries. I wanted to cut out toxicity and cling to prosperity. While I did a lot of that, it’s a lot easier said than done. I got home, dove into work and found routine again. That consistency left me feeling a numbness I didn’t expect. I wasn’t feeling the extreme highs and lows, but I also lost the urgency, the vitality that emotion brought. I don’t really know what it all means, but I know I’m not where I want to be, and that makes me sad. I want to change that, I just need the spark I had in England. I’m rededicating the dormant parts of myself to find it again.

To everyone reading this from Capernwray, know that if you’re not mentioned- you’re incredibly special. From day one running around London with Cieran, Jake, Ben, and Hayley. To talks at dinner with Lindsay and coffee dates with Maggie. To my sweet soul sisters from Arizona, Elizabeth and Maggie. To the beauty I saw in friendships between Jo and Samara, Izzy and Jess, Grace and Kerri and Chad. Julia W and her sweet heart and creativity. Travis, his genuine spirit and shared emotional trauma during End Game and much needed Office references. Carson and Jonny dealing with Mel and I on trips. Dimona and Katharina and their constant patience and affection they showed everyone equally. Julia and Naomi, the lovliest and smiliest twins you’ll ever meet. I can go ON AND ON PEOPLE. I love you all. If you ever need affirmation that you MATTER, come find me. I’ll tell you how much you meant to me in those ten weeks, and still do.

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johnhardinsawyer · 7 years ago

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How Things Went Wrong - David and Bathsheba, Part 1

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

7 / 29 / 18

2 Samuel 11:1-15

Psalm 14

“How Things Went Wrong”

(David and Bathsheba – Part 1)

David needed a break. He had been fighting for a long time. When he was just a boy, he fought the giant Goliath and won. When he fell afoul of King Saul, he was forced to run and fight for his life and eventually won. He had fought the Philistines, the Jebusites, the Arameans, and had beaten them all. But now, he was King, and someone else could do the actual fighting for him. I mean, why not? David needed a break. And it was in the spring of the year – a great time to be in Jerusalem. The days were warm, the nights were cool, flowers were blooming, the sap was rising.

In today’s story, we don’t find any miracles, per se. We don’t find God doing much at all – at least not on the surface, in plain view. We just have human beings doing what they do. We have David and Bathsheba, some servants, and a poor, clueless, man named Uriah, who was married to the wrong woman at the wrong time. Those of you who may be hearing this sordid tale for the first time might be thinking, “Woah, I didn’t know stories like this were in the Bible! This sounds like something out of a soap opera, or the national news.” Those of you who have heard this story before and know what happens, know that it’s like a slow-motion train wreck. You know it’s going to be bad, but you just can’t look away. It’s pretty unbelievable, isn’t it? “David, the young king who could do no wrong in the eyes of God and the people, did what?” Let’s rehearse the facts of the story. David, who probably did need a break from fighting, was likely entering his early-late-thirties.[1] He was fairly wealthy, had multiple wives and concubines and children.[2] Joab, David’s general, clearly had the fighting covered, so David stayed home so he could get down to governing. There was clearly time for other activities, though.

David lived in a nice house made of stone and cedar[3]which was likely built on some prime real-estate. He even had a rooftop patio, which is a nice feature that many homes in Jerusalem still have. Late one afternoon, he was looking out over the roofs of the city when he saw a woman. Now, David was already married – to multiple women. The practice of polygamy was fairly common in those days, especially among wealthy men. But this woman that David saw from the rooftop was “very beautiful.” (2 Samuel 11:2) One way of translating this from the original language is that “she looked good!”,[4]if you know what I’m saying. “Who is that?!?” David asked, and he sent someone to find out. You know how the story goes, by now, and know that the good-looking woman was Bathsheba, who was married to a man named Uriah, who happened to be one of David’s elite warriors.[5] Uriah happened to be out of town, serving in the army.

There are some things about this story that we probably should not delve too deeply into because we would be moving far beyond PG-13 territory. Suffice it to say, though, that there are some things about this story that need to be talked about. First, Bathsheba’s husband was known as “Uriah the Hittite.” He was descended from some of the native people who had been around the land of Judah since before the time of Abraham.[6] When Joshua led the people of Israel out of the wilderness into the Promised Land, the Hittites were still around.[7] They were a different ethnic group whom the people of Israel had been commanded to drive out, but this had never happened, fully. Many Hittites had intermarried with the Israelites and had come to believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Moses. It should be noted that even though Uriah was a Hittite, in today’s story he follows the law to the letter by refraining from going home to be with his wife while the army was still away at war.[8] Yet, here we have David, a pure-blooded Israelite, three of the Ten Commandments: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Exodus 20:17) “You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14) And, “You shall not murder.” (Exodus 20:13) And, just in case you missed it, not only was Bathsheba someone else’s wife, the story tells us that she was ritually unclean because it was a certain time of the month for her. And, because it was Bathsheba’s time, when David touched her, he became ritually unclean, himself.[9]

There is also something that concerns me here, especially in the present age of Harvey Weinstein and Roger Ailes, and – dare I say – recorded conversations about paying off mistresses and physically doing things to women without their consent. I am concerned about the ways that David used and abused his own power. Nowhere in today’s story do we read that Bathsheba wantedto be with David or that she went willingly to his home, possibly, multiple times. The king could do whatever he wanted – have whomever he wanted. But just because you have enough power or enough money to do whatever you want does not mean that it is good and right to do whatever you want. There are those in positions of power who use that power to take advantage of those who are not powerful and if today’s story is any indication, this is definitely not a new phenomenon. There was no #MeToo movement for Bathsheba. In fact, as far as we can tell, in today’s story she has no real voice and no power – not even over her own body. All that we hear from Bathsheba is when she sends a message to David saying, “I am pregnant.” (2 Samuel 11:5)

The title of today’s sermon is “How Things Went Wrong,” and, just so you know, we will be looking next week at “How to Start Making Things Right.” For today, though, it is clear to us when we read the story of David and Bathsheba that things went very wrong and that David was the primary cause. You are not supposed to have someone killed after you steal their spouse. You are not supposed to be with someone without their consent. You are not supposed to do the things that David did. Why did David do all of this? He knew he was doing wrong things – committing adultery, trying to cover that adultery up, having a man killed. But one of the things that sin does is that it confuses us, making us “unable to distinguish good from evil.”[10]

Now, we could all just pile on David and point our accusing fingers in his direction, telling him what he did wrong, but then we hear the words of the Psalmist in today’s first scripture reading:

“The Lord looks down from heaven on humankind to see if there are any who are wise, who seek after God. They have all gone astray, they are all alike perverse; there is no one who does good, no, not one.” (Psalm 14:2-3)

There is no one who does good. . . Not. One. Not you. And not me.

How did things go wrong? How did this happen? We could go all the way back to the story of Adam and Eve and blame the whole thing on a tree, a snake, and a piece of fruit, and a hungry woman, but in my mind, this passes the buck too easily. “The reason I am sinful is because Eve ate a piece of fruit” is a lame excuse. [By the way, I’ve always loved that bumper sticker that reads “Eve was Framed.”] Over the centuries, most Christian thinkers and writers have agreed that our sin is something that comes from within ourselves. Even people of faith have, as John Calvin writes, “a smoldering cinder of evil”[11]within themselves that causes them to do. . . all kinds of things. It is inescapable and unavoidable. As the Apostle Paul wrote,

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. . . For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. (Romans 7:15, 18-19)

Or, as the Psalmist writes, more succinctly, “There is no one who does good. No, not one.”

Now, next Sunday, we are going to be talking about what happened to David when he came to a realization about what he had done. But for today, I think it is important for us to simply dwell in the messy reality that when it comes to sin, we are dealing with something larger than ourselves – more than we can overcome on our own.

This is why we confess our sins in worship, week after week. Oh, we need to be reminded of God’s grace and forgiveness, but we also need to remember that we have not lived as God would have us live. There is no one who does good. No, not one. I’m not okay. You’re not okay. God knows this. We might not have killed someone after stealing their wife, but Jesus knows our inmost hearts. Nothing can be hidden.[12]

Now, the preacher in me wants to end with some good news. I want so badly to close by tying this mess all up in a bow and reminding you that God loves you. Wouldn’t that be nice? Instead, I’ll remind you of the time that Jesus told a woman who had been caught in adultery, “Go. . . and from now on do not sin again.” (John 8:11) I hate to be cynical, but how long do you think that whole “do not sin again” thing lasted for her?

How long will it last for you this morning? For me? What will we do when our good behavior runs out? What will it take for us to come to our senses about our bad behavior – about the sin that rules and ruins us? Will we repent? Turn away from sin and turn toward God? Will we draw close to Jesus, listening for his loving and merciful voice? Will we know and trust, deep down, that we only do good when the Holy Spirit prompts that good within us?[13] Will we know – do we trust – that God is at work on us? In us?

Jesus knows the inmost heart. Nothing can be hidden.

Thanks be to God.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

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[1]See 2 Samuel 5:4-5.

[2]See 2 Samuel 5:13ff.

[3]See 2 Samuel 5:9-11.

[4]George V. Wigram, ed. The Englishman’s Hebrew Concordance of the Old Testament (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1999) 476.

[5]See 2 Samuel 23:39.

[6]See Genesis 15:20.

[7]See Joshua 1:4, 3:10, 9:1, 11:3, 12:8, and 24:11.

[8]See Deuteronomy 23:9-14.

[9]See Leviticus 15:24.

[10]David H. Jensen, 1 & 2 Samuel (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2015) 218.

[11]John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion – III.iii.10 (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1960) 602.

[12]TEXT: Pashto hymn; trans. Alison Blenkinsop, 1995. MUSIC: Anon; arr. Geoff Weaver, 1995. Glory to God – The Presbyterian Hymnal (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2013) 427.

[13]Calvin, Institutes – II.iii.12. 306.

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