#I found this reaction image at like 3am and immediately made this

[humanitys-strongest-brat]

[jasontoddswhitestreak]

gold rush | 3

LOVED YOU IN SECRET.

pairing: druig x eternal!reader

summary: in which druig found himself falling for the gentle soul who was also known as the goddess of human love and flowers.

warnings: this series WILL include major spoilers for marvel eternals. angst, pining, unrequited love

word count: 3.8k

a/n: third chapter!! this one is hella long so good luck with that! just wanted y’all to be aware that if you do get inspired by my fic and write fics relating to it i would really appreciate it if you could credit me or @ me so I can see it since I spend hours planning and writing these chapters :/ + once again I have not proof read this as it’s almost 3am

masterlist - series masterlist

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“Phastos, didn’t Ajax say less working?” She questioned the Eternal who was standing in the center of the room. A few of the Eternals were scattered around the main room of the Domo, sitting as they watched Phastos continue to create plans for the advancement of technology while the rest of the Eternals were out fighting deviants.

Given the fact that it was around 575 BC at the time the Eternal rolled her eyes playfully as Phastos began to describe a steam engine he invented. She listened to him giddily explain his invention whilst Sprite decided to have fun, changing the man’s outfit into something he’d hate to be seen wearing erupting laughter from the other Eternals while she stifled her own laughter.

Footsteps were heard making their way towards the Eternals causing Sprite to immediately change Phastos’ outfit to the way it previously was, Ajax looked around the room as she walked in, shaking her head in disappointment as her eyes fell on the inventor who was still working.

“Phastos, did you go to the party last night like I told you to?” She questions the Eternal, wanting nothing more than him not overworking himself. He began to stutter, struggling to make up a lie.

“Uh- yeah the party, it was very-“

“He worked all night.” Druig commented, exposing him whilst chuckling at the fellow Eternal’s reaction, he was sat against the wall cross legged, beside him was her, fidgeting with something Phastos created earlier in the day purely for her entertainment.

“Who was talking to you?” Phastos retorted, causing Druig to laugh even harder, she swatted his arm rolling her eyes at him for getting Phastos into trouble.

“Get a life.” Ajax demanded, not wanting the Eternals to spend the years cooped up in the Domo while the rest of them defeat the deviants and protect humanity.

“Ouch.” Druig muttered, still attempting to hide his amusement while she elbows him.

She suddenly stood up from her seat moving to get the food that Druig was snacking on, deciding to snatch it out of his hand which led to him gasping in disbelief. He got up from his seat to get more for himself and his counterpart.

Hours later the group found themselves surrounded by humans, Sprite stood at the center using her projection abilities to cast images into the air for the humans to see, she began to tell stories about the Eternals from the past, about how they came to earth to protect humans from deviants and the made up story about Ikaris about how he flew close to the sun.

“I can't sit here knowing there are deviants still wandering around, hurting others.” Thena confessed, surprising the other Eternal who didn’t know anyone was standing next to her, she glanced at the woman sympathetically.

“At least you have the ability to protect them.” She shrugged, looking around the room to avoid eye contact with Thena as she felt a wave of self deprecation overtake her emotions.

“They began to call me the Goddess of human love, did you hear about that? I’m incapable of using my powers to protect them yet they give me such a title that I’m not worthy of owning.” Thena looked at her sympathetically, arms going around the Eternal in an attempt to comfort her before forcing the Eternal to face her, fingers holding her chin to make their eyes meet.

“Then let’s go.” Thena suddenly declared, the Eternal looked at her curiously.

“Let’s get out of here, let’s prove ourselves worthy of the names they give us. We cannot sit here and be idle while there are creatures out there to fight.” Thena continued, attempting to convince the hesitant Eternal.

She glanced up towards the air where Sprite’s projections lit up the room, remembering how almost all of the Eternals were mentioned in the stories, except for her.

She knew Sprite didn’t do that intentionally, she didn’t intentionally want to hurt the Eternal but by excluding her from the stories in which the Eternals saved the globe once again from deviants made her feel less and less like a hero and more of a spectator.

“But, all I can do is conjure up flowers and greenery, what good is that when I’m up against a deviant?” She questioned Thena truly believing she truly wasn’t capable of more.

Thena tsk’s in response shaking her head.

“You know if Druig heard you talk so low about yourself he’d do anything in his power to make you think otherwise.” Thena explains, hoping that her friend could see herself the way everyone else did.

“What he thinks doesn’t matter as much to me compared to what I think of myself.”

“You must not limit yourself, you’re a force of nature, literally, it’s in your powers.” Thena claimed, causing a giggle to escape the shorter woman, a soft smile appeared on her face as she kept her friend within arm’s reach.

“Just think about it okay, I’ll be here if you ever need a partner in crime other than the brooding telepath.” She teased before making her way towards the door, only to be stopped by Ikaris.

The Eternal couldn't hear the conversation between the two, deciding to make her way around the rooms and opting in small talk now and then with the humans. They relentlessly ask for her to visit their homes and bless their crops as she tries to explain that she doesn’t have the abilities to do so, her attempts were in vain as they were determined to get her to visit to which she eventually agreed.

There was a flash of gold in the air that ran passed her, the unmistakable entrance of the one and only Makkari holding a handful of trinkets that she placed on a table in front of a group of men, Druig sat across the men. While Makkari’s back was facing towards her, she could see Druig seated in front of her only a few meters away.

“The beautiful Makkari, you’re late.” She overheard Druig announce, a smile forming on his face as the speedster made her way closer towards him. Glancing away from the two in front of her she looked around the room, noticing that Thena was nowhere to be seen as she’d usually be found at Gilgamesh’s side. Ikaris stood next to Ajax, it seemed that the two were in the midst of an important discussion, but she had to distract herself from the self doubt that began to bubble up inside of her.

She was wandering around the room alone, torn between ideas, should she just retreat back to the Domo or stay at the event? The only Eternal to approach her at this party was Thena herself, other than that she spent the last hour or so hovering near the food.

She regretted making her way closer to Ajax and Ikaris, unfortunately overhearing an important confession from Ikaris.

“I won’t let my feelings for Sersi distract me from our mission.” Ikaris announced, determination written on his face, she was in shock after overhearing the confession, feeling guilt from eavesdropping and had to announce her presence to the two.

“But you’re allowed to live a life. Go, go tell Sersi how you feel.” Ajax insisted, Ikaris hesitated, not knowing what to do.

“I could help with that.” She declared, making her presence known to the two. They turned their heads towards her. “I apologize for eavesdropping, I was just about to leave, but, I do think this is wonderful news Ikaris!” She smiled, arms wrapped around him as she enveloped him in a hug, giddy with the idea that her two close friends will find love. Ajax believed that the goddess of ‘human love’ could in fact help with Ikaris’ situation, urging him to accept her help which he reluctantly did, she felt overwhelmed with excitement, mind racing with hundreds of ideas to help him.

Ajax left the two alone to plan together, now sat at a table with two drinks sat in front of them. From her seat she could see Kingo, Sprite, Sersi and Gilgamesh sitting together surrounded by humans who begged for more stories to be told. To the left of her behind a pillar was the table Druig sat at with Makkari standing in front of him, she could just about see some of the gestures Makkari made to the man as he began to stand in front of her, his head tilted up in a teasing manner as she mimicked his own. She struggled to hear what conversation the two were having due to the liveliness of the room, only being able to just about see Makkari’s hand gestures as she signed to Druig.

Due to Makkari’s back facing her, she only managed to understand the word’s ‘love’ ‘confess’ and ‘I love you’ before turning her attention to the man in front of her. “What do I even say to Sersi?” He broke the silence and disrupted her train of thoughts to which she was grateful for, he was unsure on how to tell Sersi due to the lack of experience he had with these kind of situations.

“Well for starters, maybe you should show her you care, do the things she enjoys to do, spend more time with her, continue to create that bond with her.” She advices, he nodded his head in response, making notes in his head as she continued. “Sersi clearly loves spending time with all of us, so you’d have to make an effort with that, no running off when we’re all in the same room, okay?” She teased, causing Ikaris to let out a groan of annoyance, his forehead leaning on his arm that rested on the table, she laughed at his childish antics, patting his head in a way to comfort him.

“I know it’s all stressful and complicated right now but these things take time. You don’t want to rush into anything and risk ruining it, and don’t worry I’ll be here to help you with any questions or worries that you may have.” She offered a smile, Ikaris looked back up at her, face relaxing as he took in her words.

“Thank you.” He responded, grateful to have the help of someone who understands his situation without knowing much. She couldn’t help but smile the entire time she plotted with Ikaris, sharing ideas back and forth with one another. The fact that her two friends could fall in love and spend the rest of eternity with one another made her heart burst.

And on another positive note, this allowed her to get her mind off a certain telepath who she believed couldn’t take his eyes off the speedster. Unfortunately missing the way his eyes would glance over at the table she sat at every couple of seconds, staring at her hand resting on Ikaris’ arm. Druig couldn’t stop staring at her smile, the way her head tilted back as she laughed, in different circumstances seeing her laugh would make the telepath’s heart grow twice its size but as he stared at the eternal next to her he couldn’t help the jealousy that flooded in.

“When are you going to confess your love for her?” Makkari signed to him, sick of his lovesick expression as he watched her talk to anyone else but him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He responded sarcastically, causing the speedster to hit him in the arm, glaring at him.

“Okay fine! But not love, at least,I don’t think it is. And who said anything about confessing?” He shrugged, avoiding the eyes of the woman in front of him. She looked exasperated, tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention, her frustration increasing by the second.

“You can't keep up with the lovesick act, stop thinking you’re not good enough for her. The rest of the Eternals and I love you and we know she does too.” She paused.

“You’re not some bad villain you enjoy to paint yourself to be.” Makkari signed before making her way from Druig and towards the group of four Eternals, allowing him the time to think about what he was told.

Days later their plan was finally set in motion, everytime she hung out with Sersi, Ikaris would drop by and join them, expressing his interests in what they were doing, eventually the other Eternal would let the two continue bonding, making an excuse for her sudden departure and making her way to the beach that sat beside the village, home of the human’s who asked for her to visit a couple days ago in which she did.

Sitting on the beach alone allowed the Eternal to gather her thoughts while admiring the waves crash against the shore before pulling away, a repetitive cycle. The melody of the waves as it made its way closer to the sand brought her some comfort, the sound of water itself mesmerized her, something so simple yet so beautiful that can be seen in different forms such as lakes, rivers, oceans, ponds and so forth. The eternal decided from then on that if she were to live her life the way Ajax suggested, that she would live next to the river so she would wake up to the sound of running water every single day for the rest of eternity.

Unlike Sersi and Ikaris who now have each other to spend the next thousand years with, she was content with being alone. What's the point of finding someone to spend your life with when you can’t spend it with the person you truly loved?

The last few days since the party led the Eternal to intentionally avoid her telepathic friend. She couldn’t bring herself to be near him whilst knowing his secret, the feelings that he had towards the speedster. She was happy for them of course, they were her closest friends and if they were in love she’d support it, she’d do anything to make the people she considered family happy.

She wanted to tell Druig what she overheard Ajax talking about, she thought it would be best if he knew Ajax’s encouragements towards Sersi and Ikaris and that if he made the move to Makkari then he’d receive nothing but support from the rest of the Eternals, including herself.

Everytime she saw Druig, the speedster was found closely behind, it felt wrong to mention Ajax’s words in front of Makkari in case Druig wanted to be alone when he confessed his feelings but the eternal couldn’t bring herself to pull him aside, to be standing with him knowing his heart belongs to another whilst her heart belonged to him.

It’s okay, she thought. No one would have to know about her feelings towards the telepath, she’ll just bury them so deep that she forgets about them. That’s what she’s good at, right? Her abilities are related to nature and gardening so she can bury this as well.

For the meantime she’ll just have to love him in secret.

She thought about her abilities, comparing it to the other Eternals abilities. Ikaris could fly, Sprite could conjure up projections, Druig could control minds and Makkari can run three times faster than the speed of sound according to the inventor himself, Phastos.

But what can she do? Conjure up flowers? How could that help when up against a deviant.

Ajax’s words continued to echo in her mind from the first time they arrived on earth. How the fate of the human race is in their hands yet creating flowers can do nothing to protect them from these creatures.

Due to all the self doubt she felt after the event and the conversation with Thena she knew who she had to talk to.

“I don’t feel like I’ll be of much use here, I cannot sit idle while the humans give me such titles I’m not worthy of.” She confessed, Ajax nodded in response to show that she was listening, encouraging the eternal to continue as her hand stroked her back, comforting her while she expressed her worries.

“I don’t think I’ve reached my potential, I’m not good enough to be a hero right now and I need to find myself but I don’t know how.” She disclosed to the eternal who sighed in response at the self deprecating words, wanting nothing more but to help her.

“When Arishem gifted us our abilities he gave no limit to what we can achieve with them.” Ajax began, gently stroking the Eternal’s hair as they sat in the Domo away from the other Eternals, the maternal gesture leading the Eternal to lean her head on Ajax’s shoulder allowing herself to be comforted.

“He told me it was important for us to stick together throughout our entire mission, to give a helping hand to humanity and help them advance as people.” Ajax paused.

“I’ve seen how you’ve reacted everytime the others had to defeat a deviant, how you yearned to be there beside them rather than stay here spectating.” She continued, looking around the Domo as she spoke.

“It pains me to see you like this, but I know that what you need is to help yourself before you can help others. Thena’s right my dear, you are capable of so much more than you know and It’s in your hands to become the person you are meant to become.” She finished, wiping the fallen tears on the cheeks of the shorter Eternal.

“Oh, none of that nonsense.” Ajax joked, her grin widening as the other Eternal managed to laugh.

“They won’t be mad?” She questioned, overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt from the idea of leaving her family.

“Why should they? It’s not like you’ll be gone forever, you need to learn more about your powers and who you are, this is no place for that.” Ajax declared, pointing to the desert that could be seen out of the window.

“But-“

“No buts. When we need you, we’ll know where you are. This isn’t a goodbye.” Ajax cut her off.

She nodded in response, taking Ajax’s advice into consideration and deciding to take a break from the life of an Eternal and to learn more about her powers. Hours later she found herself packing the things she owned and wanted to bring with her, at this point only one person knew that she was to leave in the evening to make her way to a place Ajax suggested she should stay at.

She decided to pack objects with a memory attached to it such as the things Phastos made for her and the objects Makkari managed to steal and gift to her and the gifts human’s gave to her in a way to show their appreciation for her.

She thought it was best if she left the items Druig gifted her but decided against that later on.

“What are you doing?” Sersi interrupts, holding Ikaris’ hand as she stands in the corridor. The Eternal paused, turning hesitantly with her belongings piled up in her arms.

“Nothing?” She questions which encouraged the two to make their way towards her, noticing most of her belongings were being wrapped up in cloth, almost as if she was-

“Are you leaving?” Ikaris asked in shock, grabbing the objects from her and keeping them hostage in his arms, she rolled her eyes when he refused to give them back until she explained what was going on

“I’m just going away for a little while.” She explained.

After answering all the questions the two had for her, she paused, noticing the different energy between the two, gasping in response. “You told her, didn’t you?” She exclaimed, looking at Ikaris who nodded, attempting to keep a stoic expression on his face. “He told me that you helped him with the whole thing, so I wanted to thank you in person.” Sersi claimed before abruptly embracing her in a hug causing a laugh to escape the other.

“I’d do anything to see the people I care about truly happy.” She confessed, smiling warmly at the two before they bid farewell, promising to not tell the others about her departure until after she left.

She glanced around one more time before leaving the Domo, she was hesitant about leaving without saying goodbye but Ajax was adamant on the fact that saying goodbye would make it seem permanent which it isn’t.

But she can't say she isn’t grateful that she didn’t have to be the one to tell Druig about her departure, she knew he’d be against her leaving. In her mind she was sure she was doing this for herself and for her to become a better Eternal but there was a voice in the back of her head claiming that she was running away from rejection, running away from seeing Druig continue to fall in love with one of her closest friends as she’d be forced to watch from the sideline.

She gave another glance around the Domo one more time before leaving, making her way to her new home.

“Congratulations, guys!” Kingo cheered after Sersi and Ikaris told them their news. All of the Eternals were full of joy at the news except for one. Kingo slyly nudged Sprite. “Aren’t you going to congratulate them?” He teased, causing the aim of her glare to be directed towards him.

“Wait, shouldn’t we all be here to celebrate this news?” Makkari questioned, the rest of the Eternals nodded in response.

All of the Eternals were in the room, except for one.

“Well, where is she then?” Druig asked, relieved that she and Ikaris didn’t have anything going on between them as he’d initially thought.

“She’s not going to be here for a while.” Ajax began to speak, causing the Eternals to suddenly speak over one another in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“Where is she?”

“What did you do now Ikaris?”

Ikaris shot Druig a glare for the last question, only to incite a laugh out of the telepath.

Ajax briefly explained that the missing Eternal is going away for space and on a journey of self discovery, wanting to respect the Eternal’s wishes of not telling the others the detailed reason of why she left as she didn’t want their pity or sympathy.

Makkari looked at Druig in concern, the telepath who previously planned to tell her how he felt towards her was frozen, to say he was mad would be an understatement.

He was infuriated.

Infuriated with her for avoiding him for the last week only to leave without saying anything.

Infuriated with Ajax for not telling the whole truth.

Infuriated with himself for not telling her everything he wished he could tell her soon enough.

But then the gear’s in his head began churning.

He glanced back at the new couple, before looking back at Ajax, she couldn’t have left because of this news, right?

Memories of the two at the gathering flickered through his mind as well as the recent memories of Ikaris and Sersi frequently seen with one another whilst you were nowhere to be seen.

He felt a twist in his heart as he realized what had happened and he too late to do anything to stop it.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

all works: @yelenabelovasgf @amourtentiaa @husherstan @peggycarter-steverogers @drpepperobsessed @ghost-bich @whosedevil @meg-nyt @freddiecore @missusstark @hehehehannahthings @tandefeaffe @rafecameronswhore @secretsthathauntus @idontwannabetherightwayround @crymanny

druig taglist: @dontstopxx @itscheybaby @halsmultibitch @hereiamhereigo @redroomproperty @serrendiipty @bellaiscool @justifymyfeelings @measure-in-pain @swaggieee @maddyt28 @minxie98 @bookthingz @whatdoyxumean @zofps @she-wintersoldat @the-killer-queenie @felicityofbakerstreet @bizzlepotter @elennory @camilaricci @thesecrethistoryofamanda @bittergomez @lalafl12

[jaeminscoffee]

Cramps | k. dy

Pairings- Kim Dongyoung x Reader

Genre- Fluff, Crack.

Word count- 1.61k

Warnings- None. It’s a little cringe ig?

Synopsis- Period, Boyfriend, 3am, cuddles and snacks equals your haven

Type- Requested! (i edited the 25th prompt a little since that sentence had been overused! Sorry for that!)

@kpopscape​

Getting a call from you past midnight was a regular for Doyoung. It would usually be to check up on him, whether he ate after practice, or if he’d slept enough and things like that. It came to a point where Doyoung would stare at his screen waiting for your call, worrying when he wouldn’t receive any from your side, not even a text. 

Which is why he bolted to your apartment past 2 am to your apartment, after not receiving any sort of sign that you’re alive for the past 3 days. He’d tried calling you, yes. But he’d always be directed to your voice recording which only worried him more. 

He should’ve been used to it now though, it was the same cycle every month. You’d given him a spare key to your apartment in case you’d changed the passcode (which just so happened to be his birthdate) and forgotten to let him know. 

You were too indulged in feeling the pain of your period kicking through from time to time to even bother checking your phone. Worst of all was the fact you were all out of chocolates or anything to snack on except for dried fruit and peanuts. So buried in your pain, you cut off all human connections. 

When your boyfriend opened the door to your apartment, it looked pretty normal. The kitchen was tidy, but a little empty. The living room looked like not a soul had sat there for months though you, alongside him, made a popcorn mess there not even a week ago. The room was what proved his theories correct. The floor scattered with empty salted peanut packets. Around five bottles of gatorade on your side table with a packet of pain killer beside it. 

“My poor baby..” he let out mostly to himself, finding you in a blanket burrito, only your head peeking out, eyes closed which made him think you were asleep. He made his way inside, picking up the packets off the floor before disposing it in the garbage bin, doing the same with the bottles not before placing a chaste kiss on your lips that were puckered. He couldn’t help it, you looked like an extremely cute, depressed sushi. 

Your eyes flew open from the sudden plush feeling on your lips to meet with the doe eyes you adored oh so much. He pulled away immediately seeing you stare him dead in the eyes, which had his eyes widen in both shock and guilt for waking you up. You found his reaction endearing as you smile up at him, pulling your hands out with great effort.

You see his lips moving, probably spurting out apologies but you hold your hands out to stop him from speaking, which earned a confused look from his side. You reach out to the side of your face, removing the airpod from both ears before placing it onto the now clean table. “Now, speak” you mumble.

He stares at you a little too long, dumbfounded, “You weren’t asleep?” he asks, unintentionally pulling a trigger as you’d caught not a glimpse of sleep since your period decided to come knocking at your door. You sit up, hissing at the feeling between your thighs. 

“You’d THINK I’d have gotten sleep, huh?” you glare up to your ever so confused boyfriend. “Check the date, Doyoung it’s been 2 years. You should’ve known." 

"No, I know you’re on your period. But why didn’t you get any sleep?” he inquires, sitting down beside you. 

“I’m drowning in my sorrow because I’m too good for the humans to know of my celestial existence. The lord’s themselves sculpted me with great-”

“You ran out of snacks, didn’t you?” he gave you a bemused look, cutting off your ramble which had you whining. “Worst of all I don’t have shibers to cuddle!! It’s my brother’s week to take care of him and yes i did run out of snacks, did you get any for me?” you look at him, eyes practically shimmering in hope. 

He puffs out a sharp breath, mentally facepalming as he’d forgotten to do so from the previous worry he had for you. “To be fair, I was genuinely too occupied wanting to know of your wellbeing to think of snacks” Doyoung justifies, as you whine once again. You mumbled something along the lines of “Doyoung you’re the worst boyfriend ever” or something while you turn your back at him. Once again burying yourself in your blankets. 

He sat quiet as you kept letting out incomprehensible sentences when he got an idea. It’s just 3 am anyways. 

“Y/n” he calls out to you, poking at your side to grab your attention. “Psst. Y/n~” he repeated, making you scoot away from him as you feigned anger at him.

“Want to go get some fries?” he offered, which made you pause your actions. You stay silent, waiting for his next words. “Only if you want to though, or we could just cuddle your pain away-” Doyoung stood up, about to make his way towards the switch panels to turn the lights out. You caught his wrist midway. “No, wait. I’m interested." 

After screaming at your boyfriend for running over to your house instead of driving, you let him drive you over to the nearest McDonald’s with your car even after he proposed a walk being good for reducing cramp pain. You were too lazy for heaven’s sake. 

"Can i place an order for 2 large fries? And a Mcflurry? Thank you” Doyoung spoke after pulling up at the drive through as you sat in the passenger’s seat, two layers of sweater and his hoodie pulled over onto your body to keep you warm. 

Waiting patiently for your order, you lean forward, resting your head on the dashboard as your pain only got worse. Doyoung reached over to your back, caressing it in a comforting manner to help reduce pain as he turned the heater on inside the car, determined to keep you as warm as possible.

You practically snatch the food away from his hands as soon as he received the order, earning a chuckle for him as he drives out out of the drive through, driving in the opposite direction of your house, probably to his and you don’t object, definitely liking the idea of munching on fries and slurping away the drink alongside his cuddles. 

“You okay with staying over for the night?” he looks at you for a split second, confirming even though the answer was obvious, “I could drive you back home, it’s just, I’ve got work early in the morning tomorrow so i won’t be able to drop you then, and i know you’ll wake up in the middle of the night without warmth so-" 

"I’m fine with it! I like your pillows better than mine anyways” you reply with a mouth full of fries. 

Doyoung parks a little away from his apartment, seeing the parking lot overcrowded, earning a whine from you at the thought of having to physically move. 

“Babe, i can’t moveee” you drag, as he parks just 2 minutes walk away from the apartment compound. A packet of empty fries placed on the drinks holder when he turns to look at you, “It’ll take not anymore than a minute” he tries convincing you. “It’s not that i don’t want to, i can’t” you emphasize the word ‘can’t’ to get your point across. 

He taps at the steering wheel, while looking at you, thinking for a better alternative for walking. “Give me a piggyback ride!” you beat him to it. He nods his head in agreement, knowing you’d even go as far to just sleep in the car if he didn’t carry you up to his house. So without putting up a protest, he got out of the driver’s seat and made his way towards you, kneeling down once he opened the door to your side. 

You trust fall forward, earning a sound of pain from your poor boyfriend as you chuckle out an apology. You press a kiss onto his cheeks before resting your head on his shoulder, feeling another wave of pain hit you, making you whimper. 

Doyoung stood up, securing you in place as he took out the remaining order and the trash, making sure to lock the car before waking towards the apartment, inside the building and towards the elevator. 

“Doyoung.. It hurts” you whine out, wanting nothing more than a soft surface to lie down on as Doyoung hushed you with comforting words, speed walking towards his door once the lift opened.

Feeling lethargic, you barely manage to make out the faint image of his well organised living room, the black and white undertone of the walls all too similar but you were too drawn out by the pain to make a clear picture out of it. 

You feel yourself being lowered down onto his couch as your boyfriend made his way towards the kitchen to place the fries and drink down on the counter. 

With heavy eyelids, you stare straight at the table beside the T. V, blinking multiple times to see what was moving back and forth in what looked like a cage to you. When it’d clearly be a mini aquarium to any sane soul.

“Babe, your dragon looks dope!” you scream out, turning towards the side to get into a comfortable position as you feel your legs being tugged out of your boots. Doyoung lets out a small laugh, looking at you with amusement.

“Pain’s that bad?” he questioned as you look up at him, eyebrows furrowed, “Hmm?”

“That’s my goldfish, Y/n”

[adaodinson]

I´ve known since I met you

Yes, writing fics during my online classes is my passion.

English is not my first language.

Summary: You move to a new apartment and one of your new neighbors quickly gains your affection.

Warnings: Swearing, a tiny bit of angst.

Relationship: Bucky x Mexican!reader (it´s for the story, there are no lines in Spanish).

Shared kitchen?! Seriously?! That was ridiculous, who would approve a shared kitchen? You sighed after reading the details of the amazing apartment you had found. It was perfect: pet-friendly, quite reasonable price, pretty close to your work and only four neighbors. It was a small compound with five apartments. It wasn´t a building, the apartments were not on top of each other and it had a huge garden, which was perfect for your dog and two cats. But a shared kitchen.

-Do this people not have that feeling of hatred towards any person that walks into the kitchen when they´re using it?!- You almost yelled to yourself. You chuckled at your situation. It was too good to be true, but it´s still good. You had been looking for a place for almost three months, you had actually slept in your car for a couple of nights because of the fear of settling in a hotel and spending too much money. Luckily your boss was the nicest woman you had ever met, she sympathized with your situation and let you take a few days off (not the three months, of course) even though you hadn´t even started working yet, because you had recently arrived from Mexico. You had moved because of the job, it had been an offer, your dream job, you weren´t gonna waste it.

You decided to visit the place and liked it a lot. If you set aside the kitchen issue, it was perfect. Oh, what the hell? A day later you called the owner of the apartments and finally gave him your answer. Yes. You couldn´t be too picky, and it wasn´t that bad. All the apartments were connected, they were in the middle of the huge garden, next to each other. They had privacy and thick walls, but the kitchen was the “common room” in the middle of the five places.

You settled down in no time since you didn´t have all that much stuff. You took your cats to what would be their “room” and settled their litter box, food, water and bed. They got along just fine with each other and with your dog, so the small space wasn´t a problem. Your dog would sleep in your room (so would your cats even though their beds were on the other room), and her food and water was settled at the small fenced yard that was behind your apartment.

It was really nice, but if you had to be honest with yourself, it had been your metaled-armed neighbor that had convinced you this had been a good idea. You first saw him the day you moved in. You were carrying your huge books box while your dog was playing in between your feet. You tripped and swore you would lose your teeth because of the impact (since your hands were securing the box), but It never came, you only felt a really strong arm holding your stomach and saw the other hand catching the box you were carrying. You were already stunned by his action and strength, so when you saw the man your brain died and then resurrected. He was tall, had broad shoulders, short dark hair, and his face gave the image of a freaking lion and a lost puppy at the same time. You were caught in those deep blue eyes when your dog Cleo literally climbed him and started licking his face. He let go of you and started producing the most beautiful laughter you had ever heard. You reacted (finally) and called your dog to get away from him.

-I´m really sorry, she knows no boundaries. And thank you, thank you for catching me and my books- You said as you pet Cleo to keep her still.

-It´s not a problem, I like her too- He answered happily- And you don´t need to thank me, you seemed more worried about protecting your book rather than your face-.

-Well they´re really good books, and expensive ones- You said with a giggle.

-I´m Y/N- You said as you lifted your hand towards his left one, the one that wasn´t carrying your books.

-I´m Bucky- He made an awkward, almost worried face and shifted the box from his right arm to his left one and shook your hand weirdly (since you were using opposite hands for the shake). It wasn´t too awkward though, you were too lost in his features and touch to care about which hand you were shaking. He was also taking in everything about you. Almost scanning you, your features, your body language, your smile. God, your smile.

You two finally regained focus and he helped you carry in the rest of your boxes.

The second time you encountered him wasn´t as nice as the first one. You had been making your famous chocolate, oatmeal and banana pancakes, ones that you enjoyed a lot, when a lady (another one of your neighbors) came into the kitchen and looked at you with a disapproving grin. You couldn´t care less about what she thought of you, but what she said really triggered you.

-Mmmh, honey, are you sure you want to use chocolate? It has too much sugar, and bananas are really heavy fruits, you should eat a banana alone for breakfast if you want to have good habits- Who does she think she is?! A nutritionist? She didn´t even say good morning and she was already criticizing you. You were about to tell her a few of her truths when you felt a familiar strong hand grabbing your shoulder.

-Good morning Y/N, Ms. Cavanaugh- He listened to what happened and saw the look of anger in your face. You did seem like the type of person to not pull with anyone´s shit, at least to him. But that woman was the owner´s aunt and had a great relationship with him, he had learnt from experience she was a “tough” person, to say the least, but it wasn´t worth it getting on her black list. He was usually shy and reserved, but it was easy to be more “sociable” when he knew the amount of people in the apartment block wouldn´t increase, and that those people would always be the same.

-Morning James- The woman´s face literally shifted from the disgusted look she gave to you the second Bucky walked in. He just smiled and nodded while taking your arm and leading you back to your pancakes.

-That smells great, what are you making?- He asked curiously.

-Chocolate, oatmeal and banana pancakes- You said emphasizing in the “chocolate” and “and” while gazing at the woman.

-Woah that sounds great, I hope there´s enough batter for me to get some of those- You were more relaxed now, but you still didn´t understand why he hadn´t let you defend yourself.

You nodded with a smile and showed him the remaining batter. Ms. Cavanaugh finally left and you turned to him immediately.

-What was that for? That woman needs someone to tell her some of her truths- You said intensely, but not angrily. He softly explained the relation between the woman and the owner, and you quickly understood as you flipped his pancakes.

-Ohhhh, in that case, thank you. You know, it´s the second time you saved me this week, you gotta stop, I don’t like owing people things- He laughed while shaking his head at you.

-If you want me to stop saving you, stop giving me reasons to do so- You tried making an angry face but laughter took the best of you. You two had breakfast together and talked easily through it. He was insanely nice and smart, he seemed reserved and an introvert just like you. Sure, you didn´t let people step on you, but you were shy as hell. He seemed to have an interesting past, but didn´t talk much about it. You didn´t push it, you happily answered all the questions he asked about your family. You were currently telling him a story about your mom and dad from when they were dating.

-So it was really late, and we still don´t know if my dad said “move to the right” or “turn to the right”, because both of my parents say differently, but anyways, my mom offered to park the car and, remember they were not even married, she got in, moved forward and turned to the right. She suddenly felt the car drop a bit, turned to my yelling dad and got out of the car before it sank more INTO THE POOL! She freaking drove my dad´s car into the pool at my grandad´s house and they had to call a hoist at 3am to get it out! I don´t think my grandparents found out but JESUS!

Bucky was holding his stomach as it ached from his laughter.

-NO WAY- he said not being able to form a full sentence.

You were both laughing whole heartedly when your phone´s alarm rang, announcing you had to go to a gathering with your best friend. You apologized to Bucky and explained you had to leave, but before you did that, you basically jumped into his arms for a hug. His immediate reaction was to hold you as close as he could, as strong as he could, but he then remembered his left arm and doubts started filling his mind as you walked away towards the parking place you had outside the apartment’s block. He was afraid of your reaction if he told you, he knew you from a week and was already considering telling you everything about himself. Telling you the truth, but he was too afraid of your reaction. He knew you had recently moved from Mexico, and he also knew you weren´t fully aware of who he was.

But now, he was sure you had felt his metal arm when he held you, he was sure and he was dying. He wandered around the door while “watching” a movie waiting for you to arrive to your apartment. He was sure you knew, so he wanted to explain, at least that he had a metal arm, but he didn´t feel ready to tell you everything yet, or that´s what he tried convincing himself of.

You arrived three hours later. It was 5pm. He heard you walking and saying hi to Cleo (that was now allowed to be at the garden of the whole place, not just your small part). He walked to the kitchen, knowing he would bump into you there.

-Hey- you said with a wide smile as he opened the main door for you.

-Hi, I was just grabbing a snack when I heard you-

-Well, thank you-

-Listen, about my arm, I´m sorry if it made you uncomfortable when you hugged me before you left, I- You cut him off before he continued.

-Hey, your arm has never made me uncomfortable, you’ve been worried about this since I left?-

-Never? For how long have you known?-

-That you have a metal arm? Since I met you haha, it wasn´t hard to tell-

-But, it doesn´t make you uncomfortable? Why didn´t you as-

-Ask about it? It doesn´t make me uncomfortable, at all. And I didn´t ask because you didn´t tell me. If you want me to know, you´ll tell me, it you don´t I won´t invade your privacy-.

He seemed shocked at your words. It hurt you to think he had gone through anything that made him think his arm was unworthy of showing. He smiled, almost hurt. So you did what you had to. You hugged his waist with one arm, and with the other you held his left hand. You gazed at him, asking with your eyes for permission to remove his leather glove. When he nodded, you slowly lifted the material and intertwined you fingers with his metal ones. You then pressed your palm against his, reveling how small your hand was in comparison to his. He felt tears threatening to leave his eyes, but when he felt your head resting against his chest his mind wandered with thoughts. You trusted him enough to let him hold you, even though you knew about his metal arm, you had known about it since you met and it was never a problem for you.

You felt his other arm around your waist and turned to face him. He had a tender look in his eyes, like he was looking at the whole world. You smiled softly, released your fingers from his metal hand and grabbed his shirt, pulling him into your lips. He slowly surrounded you with both of his arms, and you tangled yours around his neck. You could feel him relax into your touch, and your stomach was meeting more butterflies than you had ever felt. Your breaths mixed perfectly, and you felt him smile widely into the kiss. You finally parted, reaching for air. You smiled again and he tenderly caressed your face with his left hand.

-I was about to go and watch a The Hobbit marathon, wanna watch it with me?-

-The Hobbit marathon? There are movies?! And more that one?!-

-There are three, you have NEVER watched them?!- Oh this was gonna be fun.

-I just read the book- He said with a smirk.

-Well, I read the book AND watched the movies, and now I´m curious to see if you´re a crazy fan that´ll hate the movies, or a crazy fan that´ll love them like me-.

-There´s only one way to find out-.

[ronbegleyformayor]

So this is going to be a long post—your question gets to the larger topic that is episode 100. Also to anyone reading this I would appreciate if you took a minute or two to read the whole thing—I purposefully waited a while to respond to this so my response would come across as measured as possible.

So anyone plugged into queer theory and media has probably heard of the term “bury your gays”. It’s a trope that goes at least as far back as lesbian pulp fiction novels from the early 20th century, and for a number of reasons that I’m not remotely qualified to comment on the trope has persisted into modern media. As the name implies, bury your gays is the implicit belief that for a story about gay people to end correctly, usually one or both members of a gay couple are killed before the it ends. Whether intentional or not, the trope is rooted in the idea that gay couples are not supposed to be together, that queer love is a temporary fantasy that must be righted by the end of the story. A weird kind of offshoot of this is the causing of gay characters to suffer through loneliness or separation from a partner, and it comes from the underlying idea that gay=alone. Frequently this manifests in queer characters feeling that they have to choose between family and friends and the “"gay lifestyle”“ when in reality those two things frequently are not mutually exclusive. A subset of this trope is featuring a gay character (or frequently the partner of a more-established gay character) as possessed by some form of “evil” to emphasize which side of the temptation is “correct” and which isn’t.

I’m guessing you can see what I’m teeing up here, so I’ll just add as a caveat that most writers (especially straight writers) do not necessarily agree with the homophobia behind these tropes, nor is it (usually) their intent to perpetuate negative stereotypes about gay people. That being said the legacy of this trope is alive in a lot of media, and intentional or not: gay people suffering is entrenched in how we think about writing them.

Now to be extra clear, I’m not (necessarily) saying this is what King Falls is doing. So far the writing of queer themes and homophobia has been nuanced and has avoided a lot of the pitfalls that have come to be expected, but I would also be lying if I didn’t say episode 100 didn’t rub me the wrong way, and for a couple of specific reasons, too.

For me what that boils down to is characterization and timing.

Let’s talk about characterization first.

Just think about this for a second: what do you know about Jack Wright? No really, can you name anything beyond the bare minimum of characteristics? He’s a journalist and radio host, has a belief in the paranormal, and loves Sammy. He has a sister and a fiancé, has black hair and brown eyes, and plays rugby. I can’t think of a single other concrete fact we’ve learned about him specifically, and being generous like less than half of the things on that list don’t directly have to do with Sammy. Now we could extrapolate bits of his personality based on the two very short clips we’ve ever heard of him and from what’s implied by Sammy and Lily, but that’s also kind of the point: everything we know about Jack Wright is almost exclusively based off his sister and his fiancé, both of whom are anything but unbiased. Did you notice how Lily trashed Sammy and Jack’s radio show in the first King Falls Chronicles but then went on to call Jack smart and prolific in his field like five minutes later? It’s a(n understandable) level of cognitive dissonance for someone who was going through the difficult process of grieving. Both Sammy and Lily are biased sources of information because both care very deeply for Jack. On it’s own that really isn’t a problem—in fact I would say it’s an opportunity for an interesting bit of narrative contrast between the perception of Jack and the reality of when we actually get to meet him.

That at least was my opinion.

Instead we have this ”“dark”“ version of Jack, a lover just out of reach who’s trying to tempt Sammy into leaving his family and friends for the “freedom” of the void. This is a situation that, if I’m being honest, has some homophobic tinges, and hearing the dialogue played out the way it was kind of made my stomach turn (and not in the fun, scared-to-death at 3AM way I’m used to).

Now please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think this is what the writers were intending, nor do I think that there is anything necessarily wrong with having a normally good character occupy a “bad guy” role. When done correctly it can be interesting and compelling, and help tease out different aspects of a character or relationship dynamic. The issue isn’t that we’re seeing a “bad” version of Jack, the issue is that a. the specific wording of his interaction made my homophobia alarm bells go off, and more critically b. this “bad” version of of Jack is the only true version of him we know. Having him in a “bad” role outside his norm would be interesting if we actually had a real-time, in-person Jack with which to compare him. We might have a constructed idea of who he is from descriptions of biased sources close to him or tapes that are probably a decade old, but we only need to hear from this ”“shadow”“ Jack two more times and it’ll be more times than we’ve heard even recordings of the real Jack.

Emily, for example, had a baseline character established before her abduction. We got to know her as a character before she went missing, so when we eventually saw her as a different version of herself, we had a baseline understanding of how she typically acts in a situation, which is something we just don’t have with Jack.

Also, do you notice how Jack never directly spoke to Lily? He talked about her, but never to her, and can we take a moment to appreciate the gravity of that moment? Jack (or whatever was controlling him) had the opportunity to lure one of the four members of the "named” in the prophecy in the book, and instead of choosing his sister, the person he has known for his entire life and the only flesh and blood family with whom he’s in contact, and he chose to lure Sammy instead, to make Sammy choose between a gay relationship and the support system he’s built up.

Can you understand why this kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth? It feels a little like the “love the sinner” (Jack), hate the sin (being “bad”, trying to make Sammy have to decide between romance and a family), and that’s an adage that queer people tend to get tired of really quickly.

Again, because I really don’t want to be misunderstood, I don’t think this is what the writers intended; in fact I’m guessing the thought probably never even crossed their minds. But at the end of the day that’s kind of the point: if you’re going to make a show that subverts homophobic tropes (which I will readily say that they have done up until this point), you have to make sure not to accidentally fall into any of them yourself.

This leads me into my other issue with the episode: the timing.

My opinion toward the show right now would be considerably less harsh if this was not the last episode before a hiatus. I’m not saying the show can’t take breaks, but ending after this episode specifically? We are left with a very specific image of who Jack is, and exactly what kind of influence he has on Sammy. We’re left with the impression that Sammy has to choose between his found family and a gay relationship, and just to put icing on the cake we’re being told there is going to be another hiatus, prolonging the suffering of a character who has been through quite a lot already.

If this wasn’t the episode before a hiatus, I wouldn’t be as unhappy because we would have more immediate reactions to what had happened. We would have the four of them discussing it in detail. Maybe we even would have gotten a chance to hear Sammy himself say that this wasn’t Jack, and even get to hear more detail from him about who Jack is, if not what we heard. Maybe we would have actually gotten to see them get a step closer to getting Jack back instead of now knowing that the void has been opened, and we have to wait for another few months to see if the gay characters will ever get something even resembling a happy ending.

But we didn’t get any of that. Instead we got a cold, empty laugh that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since.

This isn’t to say that the show is headed in a bad direction. I think because this was not the intent that there is still plenty potential for things to stay on the rails. But what it looks like from here is that we are just continuing to prolong the suffering of the gay couple that sits at the emotional heart of the show’s main plotline. I’m just getting to a point where I’m starting to lose faith that we will see anything but it.

also huge thanks to @calebmichaels and @deputytroy. a lot of these points were the distillation of conversations between us, and if you think that I made a particularly interesting point at all in this post, it was probably their idea, not mine.

[supernatural-book]

A Pretty Big Win

Title: A Pretty Big Win (Prologue!!!!)

Summary: Things are getting pretty stressful in the Winchester's lives. In the middle of all the stress, Dean Winchester proposes that the two of you go on a road trip together, just to get away from it all. After all, spending time with his loving girlfriend was just what he needed- a win.

A/N: Oooooof okay. Heres the first part to a series I want to start! I already have the storyline written out, so I hope to take less than a year to finish it, lol. Anyways, I was originally just gonna do one long fic, but decided this would be better.

Ugggh. 

It was way too early to be awake but, truth be told, he never got to sleep in the first place. Dean Winchester rubbed his hands over his scruffy face and sat up in bed before deciding to just sit and watch his girlfriend for a moment. He would inevitably have to drag his ass out of bed, but for now, he wants to take the time to appreciate your presence. God, look at you, baby. You looked so calm, so small and helpless lying next to the disgruntled hunter, the lumbering oaf that was Dean Winchester. Sometime during the night, you had curled yourself around him in an intimate embrace, one that Dean hadn’t been used to before knowing you. 

Dean Winchester was a good man, but he did have his faults.  For instance, his post-hunt ritual wasn’t always to shower and snuggle up in bed with his one true love. Rather, he’d drive himself to a bar to get tipsy and find any woman who he wanted to lose himself in that night, only to leave as soon as he could in the morning. Sure, he’d have someone to hold on those nights, but laying with a stranger after sex could never compare to the embrace of two lovers who shared each other’s hearts and souls. He knew that now, and he found himself wondering- once again- what he did to deserve someone like you. Someone who’s such a contrast to his cold, dark life. 

He knew from the moment he met you that you were going to be the death of him, and he was ready to accept that fate happily. When he was younger, he had flirted innocently with you every now and then, just watching to get a reaction out of you, wondering if you would ever be his. You made him feel things. Good things- hell, great things. Things he hadn’t felt in such a long time. 

God, that was so long ago. How did it take him so many years to get a hold of you?  ‘Not my fault’, Dean mused, ‘she makes me feel like an awkward kid again. She makes me all flustered and shy when she smiles. And her laughter, God, it’s so beautiful. And the way she says my name…’ His face was flushing just at the thought.

In your sleep, you snuggled closer into Dean’s side and used your leg- which was tossed over his own- to try and pull him closer to you. 

“Sorry, sweetheart. Gotta get up now.” He pressed a kiss against your forehead and when you still didn't stir from your slumber, he realized just how tired you must have been. Recently- he'd be completely honest- things haven’t been going so well in the Winchester’s life. Things weren't quite as bad as they'd been in the past- there was no looming apocalypse, thank God- but the stress of all the hunts was still taking its toll on all of you. Especially you, bless your precious heart. Who knows what you were trying to do, staying up late to research and wearing yourself out like that for him and Sammy. Dean would never, ever be able to find the right words to thank you for all you've sacrificed for them. The most stressful thing about all of this was that there was nothing you could do yet. Read through all of the books in the library, sure, but you had absolutely no leads and therefore no place to start. And among the stress of trying to figure out what to do, there seemed to be so many cases. Much more than usual. “God, I’m sorry (Y/N). You deserve so much more than this life.” He decided to let you sleep in a while longer and grudgingly pulled himself out of bed, groaning when his feet hit the cold floor. He turned back momentarily- he could never really get enough the girl who gave up everything for him and gave him everything, could he?- and tucked the blankets warm and snug around your form, smiling to himself.

‘Oh baby, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger, you know that? And I wouldn’t have it any other way.’

Okay, something was off. 

It was early morning when you woke up to the sound of your lover's heavy, booted feet moving around on the hard floors of your shared bedroom. You cracked your eyes open and looked around for any indication of what time it was. There were no windows in the bunker, but your eyes fell on the digital clock on the nightstand. Three in the morning? What’s Dean doing up at 3 am? You drearily noticed that Dean had his and your duffel bags on the edge of the bed, each half-filled already.

"Dean?"  You shuffled around on the bed, indicating to him that you were awake. In your half-asleep state, you immediately jumped to the worst conclusion. Oh God, something bad happened and now we have to get out of the bunker before we die. "What's happening? Where are you going?" Dean looked up at the sound of your voice, a genuine smile taking over his face at the sight of you in his bed. It wasn’t odd for you to sleep in his bedroom- you’d been dating for two years now- but you could always see how thrilled Dean was to see you there every morning. 

And God, it had been way too long since you saw him smile at you like that, despite the eyebags.

Dean had a habit- maybe not a habit, a curse- of staying up too late for his own good and not getting any sleep some nights. Not his fault, and you couldn't blame him- hell, if you had half the emotional and psychological trauma he did you wouldn't be able to sleep either. Most of the time it was nightmares -his time in hell, in purgatory, a particularly bad hunt- and sometimes just plain old memories. He was often haunted by memories of the past, guilt over things long gone, the deaths of people who he could never save and still blamed himself for, and the worry- scratch that, the fear- of losing you. You would always be able to tell when he had a night like that. Aside from the telltale eyebags and many, many cups of coffee, he'd carry himself less proudly, be less talkative- it was always worrying when he didn't crack jokes with you- and overall be the spitting image of a broken man.

Something was different today- ahh, this morning, at 3am. He was… excited.

"Morning, sleepyhead." He leaned down to lay a kiss on your forehead, dragging his hand over your messy hair. "I was just about to wake you up." His gentle gesture and happy demeanor calmed your worried mind. Nothing bad was happening; he doesn’t seem worried or rushed. In fact, he seemed… softer, calmer than usual. You sat up in bed, watching him lay items out on the bed to pack. 

"So… what's going on?" You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes.

"You and I are going on a road trip for the weekend. Or however long we can be away." 

"Without Sam?" 

“Well, it wouldn’t be much of a romantic getaway if I brought my little brother with, would it?” He caught your confused gaze and laughed. "What, I can't go on dates with my girlfriend?"

"That's not what I meant. Is there, like, a hunt or something?" Dean opened your dresser and tossed you a pair of your jeans and one of his big Led Zeppelin tees. 

"No. No hunts this week. Told Sammy we all need a break. Gotta get out of here, don't you think? I’m suffocating" He turned to you again, leaning in to give you a squeeze and help you out of bed. “Anyway, we need to go on a date again, ya know? It's been a while. Come on, get up, sweetheart. I’ll keep packing, you go get dressed. We’re wasting driving time." You happily jumped out of bed to get ready, taken aback by how sweet Dean was acting, considering how stressed he had been the day before. Not even 24 hours ago, Dean was downing a bottle of whiskey and stressing over everything that had been happening recently. “I just need one win. Just one.” he had muttered into his glass before downing it and letting the familiar drink burn down his throat. It was odd that he suddenly seemed cheerful and happy again, but you’ll be damned if you’re not gonna cherish every single moment of Dean’s sweet side. ‘God,’ you thought, thinking back to your past with him.  ‘His sweet side is what made me fall for him in the first place’. 

When you first met Dean, you knew immediately that you’d fall in love with him. 

You were born into a family of hunters, who eventually- of course- met a tragic fate like many others, while you managed to get out of the life and were in the midst of your college education. Two FBI agents- odd, it didn’t really require the FBI- came to your dorm to ask you about it. 

They were both tall and imposing, one a bit taller than the other, and they were both quite handsome, you’d admit, but your eyes lingered on the shorter of the two. He had short dirty blonde hair and, once they sat down across from you and you could see him closer, you noticed the freckles sprinkled across his face. And the way the light hit his cheekbones- God he was pretty. You had to stop yourself from staring at his eyes- they were so beautifully green- while he questioned you.

And boy, this man sure didn't seem to care if there was a difference between questioning and flirting. Because you got a decent amount of both, leaving you flustered and fucking aching for him before you even knew his name.

They asked strange questions, but questions that struck a familiar chord in you. “Did you smell anything strange when you found them?” You knew why they were asking, and it reminded you of the information your parents told you to keep you safe. Sulfur equals demons. Were these guys hunters too? So, in the midst of their interrogation, you broke out your own questions. “Do you believe in demons?” They froze- surprised when they learned you came from a hunting family and asked for your help on the hunt. They introduced themselves- Sam and Dean Winchester. “The Winchesters?” Your parents told you about John Winchester- their father- and here you were, meeting his sons. 

Well, their parents sure make pretty babies.

After you helped them on the hunt, you knew there was no way you could continue living normally, but Sam and Dean helped. They introduced you to a friend of theirs- Bobby Singer- and persuaded you to stay with them to ensure your safety. Sam told you later that Dean was the one who suggested having you stay at Bobby’s and who wanted to keep in touch with you.

You stood in the doorway of the bathroom, brushing your teeth and watching Dean dig through your dresser and looking up every now and then to have you confirm the outfits he chose. You answered in small sentences, still lost in memories of when you first met. 

You weren’t going to lie- the first things you noticed about Dean was how handsome he was. Not only in appearance, even though he was goddamn pretty- but in the way he held himself. He was confident, but not egotistical- just enough to be attractive and flirtatious without the whole douchebag vibe. He knew how to make you (and basically every hetero girl he ever interacted with) flustered with just a look and damn, he knew he was good at it. You eventually learned he wasn't just a pretty face. He had the best sense of humor- some of the funniest lines you'd ever heard belonged to him- and was always super selfless, even to the point of self-sacrifice. And, when he wanted to be, he was sweet. He went out of his way to keep you safe and comfortable, no matter the situation. Need a bodyguard while in a bar? 'Got you, sweetheart'. You're scared about walking into this next hunt? 'Just stay behind me. Nothin' will hurt you long as I'm here'. You just plain need a hug? 'Aw. C'mere, kid'.

You could still remember the conversation you had with Dean before they left you with Bobby after that first hunt together. “Remember, you’re only staying here so you don’t get hurt. Don’t just throw your life away for hunting, kiddo.” 

“I’m not a kid, Dean. I’m twenty-two. I’m only six years younger than you.” He gave you a stern look. 

“Don’t change the subject, (Y/N).” You sighed, but couldn’t help but smile. He cares about you. He doesn’t want you to get hurt.

“Alright. I won’t go looking for hunts, but If you’re in trouble, I’m not just gonna sit by and watch. I'm gonna help.” After they had loaded their stuff into the Impala and were ready to drive off, Dean looked at you again, making you promise to stay safe. “Only if you do too.” You could still remember- vividly- how Dean gave you a quick wink and a smirk right before they drove off. 

Little did they know, that was the beginning of your long friendship with them.

Smiling at the fond memories of him, you left your spot in the doorway to wrap your arms around Dean’s waist from behind, earning a soft grunt from him. “Well, hey there.” He turned around in your arms and kissed the top of your head, taking a moment to breathe in your scent. 

“I love you, Dee.”

“Love you too, sweetheart.” You continued to pack your stuff up and get ready, seeing that Dean had already laid out most of your toiletries and your favorite outfits- consisting of mostly Dean’s shirts. When you finish, you grabbed a big, warm flannel out of Dean’s duffel bag and pulled it on, surrounding yourself with Dean’s scent and warmth. He gazed at you with an attentive grin; he always loved when you wore his clothes. After shrugging on his jacket and grabbing his duffel bag, Dean turned to you and looked you over one last time, a big, toothy grin taking its place on his face. “You ready?” 

“One hundred percent.” you grabbed one of his hands in yours as you made your way out to the garage, where your black beauty awaits you. Dean smirked and twirled the keys to the Impala around his finger.

“Then let’s get out of here, baby.” 

Taglist!

@music-lockscreen, @bella-ca, @yetanotherreader

[bulletproofice]

Tyler Joseph - I’ll Try to Save You

Y/N - Your Name Y/EC - Your Eye Colour Y/SC - Your Skin Colour Reader: Female Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and mentions of self harm Word Count: 2846

3rd Person POV

Y/N and Tyler had known each other throughout high school and middle school. She had been there at his first ever basketball game. She had encouraged his music career and helped him practice for his talent show. She had introduced him to Josh and proposed the idea that he could join Tyler's band when the other two members had left. She had seen him through his darkest days. She had taken him on fun days out that she couldn't really afford just to see him smile. She would come to his window at night to bring him food when she knew that he hadn't been eating. She had been there at the sink when... you know. She had saved him in more ways than he could count.

Every time the other broke down crying, they would be there in an instant.

To Tyler's audience, he was best friends with Josh. But to everyone behind the scenes, Y/N and Tyler were closer.

Recently the two had drifted apart, Tyler and Josh were on tour whereas Y/N was still working in Columbus. A month had gone by and the texts that had been sent between the two could be counted on one hand. The singer yearned for contact with the girl he'd grown so close to, he didn't know why he'd let distance grow between them. He wasn't entirely dependent on her, but she was his rock. With every passing day he could feel his sanity eroding. The long hours in the tour bus drained his energy and trapped him inside his own dark thoughts with the silence. Of course, Josh was there for him. And he loved Josh. Just not as much as he loved Y/N. Not even close.

That's why it broke him so much when her number appeared on his phone screen as she tried to call him, it must've been about 3am back in Columbus so he didn't hesitate to pick up the phone. His heart instantly lurched as he listened to Y/N's frantic breathing and stifled crying.

"Y/N? What's wrong? Did something happen?" Tyler panicked immediately, praying that she wasn't hurt and that nothing had happened to her.

"I did something stupid... I couldn't help myself... I just feel so... so lost and worthless. I can't live like this Tyler!" The girl choked out.

Every ounce of colour drained from his face. Where Y/N had been there for all of Tyler's achievements and dark days, he had shared hers too; He had offered his hand out to her when he found her crying in the corridor during a lesson. He had held her as she cried for hours after being dumped by her first boyfriend. He had held her hair as she threw up all of the alcohol that she had consumed one night. He had taken all the razor blades out of her house and wrapped her arms in bandages after finding her surrounded by blood in her bathroom. He had taken her to her first ever therapy session. He had played her music to help her get to sleep. He had taken her out of her house on late night trips to sing along to the radio in his car as they sped through the city. He had gone camping with her family so that she wouldn't be stuck there alone. He had always cracked a joke wherever he could because he thought her smile was too beautiful to not exist. He had thought that he'd helped her get better.

"What did you do Y/N? Are you safe?" Tyler asked quietly, not wanting to provoke a reaction.

"There's blood everywhere... I stopped it for now... it doesn't hurt though Tyler... I thought it would hurt. Why can't I feel it Tyler? My world's crashing down around me, nothing's happening anymore. I can't do it. I want it to stop. It's been years Tyler. Nothing ever goes away." The last few sentences were whispered bitterly through shaky breaths, but just loud enough that he could hear it.

His eyes brimmed with tears as he struggled to find words to comfort her.

"We'll be in Ohio in a week, okay? A week. You only have to hold on for that much longer. Please Y/N. Stay with me here. I- We need you." His voice broke as he talked to her through the phone, cradling it to his ear as if Y/N could somehow feel it.

"What's the point. It's all meaningless. I'm meaningless Tyler, I'm sorry for calling you. I'm such a burden-"

"Never say that again. Not to me. Not to anyone. You're not a burden at all. You're so unbelievably amazing Y/N. Please just trust me."

Silence.

Tyler checked to make sure that he was still on the call and that she hadn't hung up. His heart stopped as the silence continued. It was violent. It was tearing into his heart and ripping each artery and vein one by one. His soul was being tormented. He just wanted to hold her. To tell her that she'd be okay. That she's loved. That she's more than what she thinks she is.

He heard a sigh through the phone.

"A week? You're coming in a week?" Her feeble voice was barely audible.

Attempting a strong voice to comfort her, he nodded, "A week. I promise."

"I'll see you soon."

She ended the call and he immediately sank to the floor and cried into his hands. He would see her soon. He could only hope that she'd keep her word and that he could see her at his Columbus concert. His mind was plagued with images of the past, vivid crimson flashbacks of high school. It only made him cry harder. But reminding himself that if she had to pick herself up, he knew that he could stay strong for the two of them. If he saw her when he was back in Ohio, he wouldn't hesitate to tell her just how much he loved her. He was going to quit avoiding the relationship topic and ask for her to stay with him. It made him sick knowing that he had to wake up everyday without her when he was on tour. He wanted her here in the crappy little beds that they had set up, he wanted to see her concentrated face smile during soundcheck. He just wanted her.

These thoughts kept him up for hours, running through his mind with a painful melody. It wasn't until his own clock hit 3am that he pulled out his notebook and sighed. He was restless and overwhelmed by emotion - the perfect conditions for a song. The graphite of his pencil touched the rough pad of paper; he knew what to write instantly.

___

The week went by quickly. Tyler did his shows with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, which wasn't a lot. Every time he was away from his phone he worried about Y/N. He was starting to trust that she wouldn't do anything whilst he was gone but he just wanted to make sure. He had spent every day since her phone call texting her and making sure she was okay. In almost no time at all he was waiting to go to the airport with Josh, wanting to get on the plane and back into Ohio. He had planned a simple day out for Y/N and himself to cheer her up before he had to perform the final concert of the tour.

He had prepared a special something as the finale for this concert, and he couldn't wait for her, along with the rest of the crowd to hear what he was going to sing. He had written a song entirely for her - then he would confess his feelings and maybe she would return them. Then he could comfort her as something more than a friend, if that's what she wanted. Because he was done hiding his feelings from her anymore.

Unfortunately, everything that could have gone wrong that day went wrong. Their car broke down on the way to the airport, meaning that they had to delay their flight, meaning that he and Josh wouldn't get back to Columbus until just before the concert. Tyler was heartbroken to say the least. He texted Y/N about the situation and sent his brother, Zack, to spend time with her instead. Zack had been checking in on her whilst he was gone, and had told him that she was doing a lot better than she had been before. Even though he couldn't be with her now, it made him happy to know that at least someone she trusted would be there to take care of her.

___

An hour before the concert started, he was pacing around the green room as josh tapped rhythmically on the arm of the couch with his drumsticks.

"Just relax man, she'll love the song okay. And she'll love you too. She already does. This will be the best finale ever, just you wait for it." Josh reassured him.

Tyler smiled gratefully but couldn't bring himself to say actual words, leaving him to nod to himself encouragingly. The adrenaline pumping through his body was loud enough to drown out most of his negative thoughts, it wasn't long until he had to go onstage.

___

Three songs in, and Tyler finally spotted Y/N in the crowd. Her Y/EC eyes had lost their vibrancy and the ghost of a smile haunted her face. She was stood next to his brother, Zack, and was still as beautiful as he remembered. The way the lights in the room danced over her Y/SC practically took his breath away. How she still managed to look so flawless he did not know. He continued to sing and play for the entire set, his confidence slowly growing for the finale song.

"Alright guys, I've written a new song to finish the set with. Is that alright for you?"

The room erupted with cheers and shouts and screams.

He took a deep breath and sat down at his piano, waiting for the synth melody to start playing.

"You say things with your mouth, flies and cobwebs some out."

He looked into the crowd and met his eyes with Y/N's. They were wide and interested. Her mouth curved upwards slightly and nodded encouragingly.

"I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow." He smiled and nodded back at her before returning his attention to the piano keys below him. Then up to Josh, who grinned at him and continued drumming.

"Luckily I can read your mind flies and cobwebs unwind, they will not take you down, they will not cast you out. Out."

The song was going well so far - if he hadn't messed up by now, he was confident he wouldn't for the rest of the song, or he hoped not anyway. He only hoped that Y/N knew it was for her. She had to, right?

"Dear friend he we are again pretending to understand how you think your world is ending, sending signals and red flags in waves, it's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days, I'll pray that one day you see the only difference between life and dying is one is trying, that's all we're called to do so try to love me and I'll try to save you."

The crowd was loving it, that was for sure. But with all their jumping and cheering, he had completely lost sight Y/N, hopefully this wouldn't matter and that she still knew that he was singing to her. He knew she hadn't left, he could feel her in the room.

"Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride I will make you believe you are lovely Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride I will make you believe you are lovely!"

He stood up from the piano and started jumping, encouraging his audience to do the same. He was grinning ear to ear. He continued to search for Y/N during what was left of the short instrumental piece, but had no luck in finding her.

"Your redemption won't grow stale..."

The rest of the song went beautifully. Some of the crowd had grasped the chorus and sang along with him, but by the time the last few lines had come out of his mouth he couldn't wait to get off of the stage and straight towards his friend.

"You say things with your mouth, Cobwebs and flies come out."

The rooms was filled screams and claps, he smiled brightly at the audience before speaking into his microphone for the last time.

"Thank you for coming everyone, I hope you had a great time! Goodnight."

Josh jogged over to the front of the stage and they bowed together as the lights dimmed. As soon as they were off he darted off to the side of the stage, only to crash in to the person he'd been searching for the entire night.

"Y/N! I'm so sorry about tha- are you alright?" His arms grabbed on to the girl's to make sure she didn't fall from the impact, but his attention was immediately drawn to the tears that poured down her face.

"The song... Tyler, it was beautiful!" She cried softly. His face lit up as he pulled her into a hug, his arms wrapping around her protectively. He burrowed his face into the crook of her neck as she leant into his chest. This felt... right. So unbelievably right. The way they both melted into each other so automatically. He loved it.

"It was for you, you know?" He mumbled into her ear. Time stood still as he waited for her reply, his heavy breathing from the performance had stopped completely.

"Really? M-me?" She breathed, pulling away from him slightly so that she could stare into his eyes. God, her eyes. Tyler loved those eyes.

"Yeah... I uh... after you called me, I just couldn't stop thinking about how much you... how much you mean to me. And I got writing and I wrote it so fast because that's just how I felt, you know? And uh... I said you... you should try to love me? Because..." he took an exasperated breath at his own incompetency to form sentences, but looking down at the girl in his arms showed that she was hanging on to every word. "Because lord knows that I love you- and not the platonic type of love... like, I love love you Y/N. I want to be there for you as so much more than a friend when you're sad, and even when you're not sad. I hate it when you're away from me and when I can't hear your voice, your laugh. Everything."

He looked down at her again, only to see that she was crying again. His heart dropped at the sight and he stepped back in case he had said the wrong thing.

"Y/N-"

But before he could say anymore he felt the girl launch herself at him, wrapping her arms around him tighter than she had ever done before.

"Of course I love you, Ty!" She mumbled against him.

Those six words kickstarted a raging fire inside of his chest. Those six glorious words. His smile grew impossibly wide as he cupped her face with his hand, rubbing his thumb over her cheek to get rid of her tears. Her nose and cheeks were coated with red now, making her more adorable than she previously had been. Tyler couldn't hold back anymore. He leant in slowly until his nose was touching hers and both of them could feel the other's breath dancing over their faces. Y/N was completely stationary, waiting patiently for Tyler to do what she had been waiting for him to do for years. And slowly but surely, his chapped lips met hers, enrapturing her instantly. One hand moved to the back of her neck whilst the other stayed cupping her cheek. Their lips moved in sync slowly, savouring the moment.

It was only once Tyler had run out of air that he pulled away, gently tucking some hair behind Y/N's ear. She giggled and buried her face in his chest. She felt more at peace than she had done in a while. She finally felt like she was home.

"Y/N?"

She looked up into his beautiful brown eyes, nodding her head.

"Come with us on tour next time? Please? I don't like being away from you." Tyler mumbled into her hair, only now realising how needy the question made him sound. But as he looked down at her, he saw her face decorated with a breathtaking smile. He'd forgotten how lovely that smile was.

"You don't even need to ask."

-----

So atm I’m just uploading my least cringe imagines from Wattpad to Tumblr

[linoholic]

Poly!Jaepil

Requested: @skylions-den asked: I saw that you write for Day6! Hehe I didn’t know, may I have poly Jae and Wonpil?

Pairing: Day6 Jae x Wonpil x Reader

Genre: poly!au

Warnings: I mean, it has Wonpil so major fluff warnings (though not as bad as a Dopil fic would be)

So I has almost finished this when I accidentally deleted it instead of posting it last night because it was like 3am and I was dead. And so I had to rewrite it, hence why it is pretty short and not all that great. But I hope you enjoy my dear, since you have been supporting me so well ^^

I was going to make this a college

Until I realised that literally everything would be the same except for the fact that, ya know, they were in college

Anyway

So!

You have been friends with Amber for a while, being one of many in her friendship circle

You got to know her when you moved to LA

You had bumped into her in a store while she was filming a blog, not knowing who she was or anything

She was making a joke to the camera, and you, being the outgoing and self proclaimed funny person you are, decided to turn around and answer back with a joke of your own

Which was successful in making Amber burst out laughing, immediately introducing herself

You were fast friends, with you often showing up in her videos considering both her and her subscribers loved your sense of humour

You even got blessed with the nickname ‘Chickpea’ - the subject of that first joke

As a result, you quickly got blessed with the chance of getting to know her other friends, famous or not

About a week or so after you met her, she made you react to f(x) music videos

The world thanks God that she got your reaction to finding out she is a part of one of the most loved female kpop groups (this was your descent into the madness that is kpop)

But alas, this isn’t an Amber scenario despite my deep love for her

Amongst all her friends, one of the ones you immediately clicked with was a certain person who went by Jae

You met a few years after you first met Amber

You had moved to Seoul at this point

You had worked basically running a pretty big companies social media for a few years, and after being encouraged by Amber, had applied for similar positions at a few companies in Korea

And you had fallen in love with the idea of living there after hearing stories about the food and the people and the culture from Amber, and had decided that you needed a change from LA and it’s constant sun, a place with four seasons perhaps

So after a crash course in Korean and an acceptance letter from a company, you got a work visa, a plane ticket and long term hotel room booked and off you went, with promises to visit all your friends in California

Sadly, Amber couldn’t be with you, still having stuff to do in the US, and so you had to settle in alone, not that you had much to do yet since you were living out of a hotel room while you found an apartment

But she didn’t leave you completely alone

She had told Jae of your arrival and asked if he would check up on you for her, to make sure you weren’t lying about settling in well

Turns out he didn’t have to go far to find you

Just down the hallway of his workplace actually

Because yes, you had managed to snag a job at JYP entertainment

Despite picking up the language pretty quickly, you still defaulted to English at first, having to remember to switch to Korean for most conversations

So imagine your surprise when you bumped into someone and they answered back in English when you said “Oh, sorry!”

Looking up from the papers that had you distracted, you see a pretty tall, bespectacled guy standing in front of you

And of course, in a country full of people speaking one language, your going to be drawn to someone that speaks your own language, in an accent you recognise no less

So you shift the papers under one arm, holding your other hand out for a handshake

“Hi, I’m y/n, a new employee here,” you say, smiling widely

Taking your hand, Jae replies with, “Nice to meet you, I’m Jae - wait, Amber’s y/n?”

“…I guess so? You know Amber? Wait, Jae as in Day6 and JaeSix? How the fuck did I not recognise you?”

“Yep. That’s me. I guess I’m pretty famous then”

“Nah, not you, just your resemblance to a certain character”

“I’d you say the name I will tell Amber that I found you crying your eyes out in some random back alley and you’ll have to put up with her mothering you”

“…Chicken Little…” is all you say before zooming out of there with the Sonic music running through your head

That isn’t the last time you see Jae

You see him pretty often in fact, considering you work in the same building

And with your similar senses of humour, it doesn’t take long for you to consider him a friend, and him you

Phone numbers are exchanged quickly, memes are sent, you roast him and he roasts you

You even end up cameoing in a JaeSix video, which excited the viewers who knew you from What the Pineapple

And he was kind enough to help you out with your Korean, after teasing you when you said something completely wrong in a certain context

It’s a sweet(?) friendship

And with Jae comes the rest of Day6 behind him

While Jae remains your best friend out of the group, you become close with the others as well

They all come to love you and your high Jae tolerance

One person in particular takes a special liking toward you

When Jae first introduced you to the band, Wonpil thought you were cute

Scratch that, he found you straight up gorgeous

And when you talked more, it was obvious he had started crushing on you

Whenever you came round with Jae, his ears would turn red and he would turn especially shy, you all know how I mean

The rest of Day6 knew of this crush, and of course they all teased him about it

Usually they spared him and did it alone, but sometimes they teased him in front of you, not that you ever really caught on

Jae was the main perpetrator at first, doing the whole “you like my friend” sort of thing

But as time went on, and Wonpils feelings got more serious than a simple highschool crush, Jae started getting confused

All he knew was that he loved when you smiled at him, and hated when you smiled the same big smile at Wonpil, or cooed over how cute the younger boy was, or praised his singing and talent on a piano

What made him confused, was that on one hand, he wanted you to praise him instead, call him funny and handsome and all that jazz

And on the other hand, he felt a little protective of Wonpil

There was one time he thought “But that’s my Wonpil”, which ended up with him standing in the shower having an existential crisis

He ended up ranting to Brian about it all, who just said, “Bro, you like them both. Ask them out.”

And then Brian decided to be a snake, and go to you and tell you everything

Jaes feelings, Wonpils feelings, your feelings that he had been figuring out and gossiping about with Sungjin

Because he knew Jae would avoid asking anyone out, especially if it meant losing his “I hate Wonpil” image, and instead just sulk around

And there is no way Wonpil would have the balls to do so, at least according to Brian

After talking to you, you had an epiphany

You had always lowkey had feelings for Jae, but you had written them off as the fact that he was your first friend in Korea

And how could someone not love Wonpil?

You knew you should probably confess to them, and so you did

You were thinking of doing something a little extra, like singing one of their songs to them or something, but decided that you’d rather not die of embarrassment when Jae inevitably teases you over it

So you simply took them both out to a barbeque place before randomly confessing to them in the middle of eating

To put it simply, you created two wraps and fed them to the two boys while saying “for you because I fancy you, and for you because I fancy you too!”

And then you sat there as what you said sunk in, and their eyes widened as they both struggled to swallow the food in a hurry

(to this day Jae makes fun of you for almost killing your boyfriends before they even became you boyfriends)

It was completely spontaneous and really caught them off guard

Somehow both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, Wonpil was the one to speak first, confessing his own feelings with a red face and small voice

Leaving Jae sitting more flustered than you had ever seen in his life

(You lowkey wish you had a camera to capture the sight)

After a bit of poking and prodding he came out with an “You two are alright I guess”

Which is basically Jae talk for “I am hopelessly in love with the both of you”, something you and Wonpil know

And so that meal the rest of the night is officially your first date

It’s a bit awkward at first, the transitioning into a romantic relationship

But pretty soon you all settle into your new roles as significant others as things are talked through and you all get used to different boundaries and such

At first you all keep it quiet, unsure of how it would affect the band and everything

But when the Wonpil starts sneaking into Jaes bed more than others at nights in the dorm; when Jae starts teasing Wonpil and you the tiniest bit less; when you start showing up at band practice and pay more attention to the two than them, they start catching on that something may have happened

They once confronted you all about it, to which the two boys vehemently denied it while you sat in the background snorting at their antics, sipping apple juice and watching Dowoon play WoW on his laptop (cuz he already knows thanks to Wonpil gushing to him as soon as he got back from your first date, and he would prefer to stay out of that mess thank you very much)

Young K and Sungjin were proven right when you started getting hungry and called out “Babe!” and both Jae and Wonpil turn to face asking “Yes?” only to immediately face Sungjin and Young K with fear in their eyes who both have their arms crossed with a 'we knew it’s look on their faces

Though, the two of them regret exposing the relationship when the three of you start showing affection in front of them

Although, they are glad that it means they are now lower on the list of people Wonpil is affectionate with, especially Sungjin

Because you better believe that Wonpil is always clinging onto you or Jae if either of you are within 100m of him

As much as Jae pretends to hate it, you often come home to find the two snuggled on your couch after a long day spent in the recording studio or at concerts, Wonpil lying happily in Jae’s arms as the elder runs his hand through his hair

Or you see Jae leaning down to press a kiss to Wonpils forehead when the younger is stressing out about things

And it warms your heart because there is nothing you love more than seeing your boyfriends in love

You can be sure that as soon as they notice you Wonpil is dragging you over and soon it is just a mess of limbs and hair colours

Unknown to you and Wonpil, Jae secretly goes to the big man JYP himself asking for permission on the relationship and such because he does want to show the two of you off

And when he gets the go ahead to reveal the relationship

You can bet that he is vlogging dates and such for JaeSix, which is how he reveals he is dating you and Wonpil

And my god do the MyDays celebrate

The amount of tweets Jae gets sent his way saying stuff like “I knew JaePil was real’ and 'I did ship y/n and Amber but you cute I guess’ (yes that was from Amber herself)

You often end up scolding Jae because he uses the fact that he is in a relationship to tease all his single friends

And even his not so single friends

"You only have one significant other while I have two (2) whole people who love me unconditionally…not counting all my fans of course I love you MyDays”

Sometimes people do question the relationship

And not over the fact that it’s a polyamorous relationship, but because sometimes it seems like your relationship hasn’t changed from your friendship at all

Because Jae still teases and makes fun of you both, Wonpil has always been a clingy, cuddly baby and things like that

But it’s mainly because you are all super comfortable with each other and hyper aware of how each other feels about various things 

For example, you and Wonpil know Jae isn’t too big on PDA and so you and Wonpil make sure that he is comfortable with anything you do, asking before you so much as hold his hand

Though in private you and Wonpil will most definitely just glomp him at random whether he likes it or not, usually as revenge for him eating your leftovers or for calling Wonpil a snake the hundredth time that day

Now, our boys are musicians, and so you better get ready for songs dedicated to you if you ever go to their concerts, which is often because you want to support your boyfriends in their career (though you also go cuz their concerts are lit and MyDays know how to get lit)

And some songs may even get written about you

*Cue Young K in the background whining about how the songs are getting sappy and not heartbreaking like usual*

If you don’t already know how to, be prepared to learn how to play the guitar and piano

Because there is no way Jae is giving up the chance to be greasy and cliche and do the whole 'sit behind you guiding you hands’ thing

Not much gets done during these sessions as Jae ends up being easily distracted by your closeness

I’m not saying makeout sessions but that’s exactly what I’m saying

And when Wonpil tries teaching to use the keyboard, not much gets done either

Mainly because you just love watching him all concentrated, his pretty fingers dancing over the keys and so you pout to convince to play you “just one more song”

If you’re lucky he’ll sing as well, blessing you with his vocals

Though he often ends up a blushing mess because you sit beside him staring intently at him with total hearts in your eyes (as Jae gags in the background acting as if he isn’t also enamoured by Wonpils voice)

Wonpil is always raiding yours and Jaes closets for any clothes he can wear, which you can’t complain about because you do the exact same thing

Jae on the other hand likes to complain whenever he sees one of you wearing his clothes, though secretly he absolutely loves it, he just wants to keep up his cool image

And both of them are constantly bringing up the Pink Sweater™ debate, trying to bring you to their side

Jae takes it personal when he goes to your apartment one day to find you chilling in said sweater; he acts all offended and refuses any and all affection til you and Wonpil bribe him by taking him out to dinner

There is a group chat the three of you have which is a complete mess

It’s filled with Jae’s memes, Wonpil selfies and exclamations of love and you worrying over whether they are eating and sleeping enough

Especially when the two are away on tour and you can’t go with them

Though on those occasions you’ll often get voice notes from them, alone or together, of them singing for you

Because they know how much you love their voices as you often get them to sing you to sleep whenever they spend nights with you

Well, to be honest, you get them to sing as much as possible because why wouldn’t you?

Basically, your relationship is as much fun as it is soft, and you are most definitely not starved of memes of cuddles

[selfiecharmedlife]

Re: Face/Off or Recovering from FFS

CW: Body stuff

As of today, it’s been just over a week since I had facial feminization surgery (FFS). Leading up to the procedure, I felt very isolated. Not many people undergo FFS in the first place and most of the people I spoke with that had undergone the procedure were far removed from the anxieties I was, and am still, feeling. Luckily, I did have the chance to talk to some people who had journaled in the weeks leading up to their procedure and shared their thoughts during that time. So now I’m writing this down so that maybe I can pay that forward to someone else.

FFS is an umbrella term for a number of procedures. Specifically, I underwent a forehead reduction, hairline advancement, brow bone reduction, mandibular angle reduction and chin reduction. My surgeon assured me that recovery would be significantly easier than vaginoplasty recovery, but that didn’t help my nerves. I was so anxious that I asked for an additional meeting before the procedure so we could touch base again just so I could feel a little more secure in my decision. It didn’t help. In the weeks leading up to my surgical date, I barely slept most nights and had a hard time focusing on anything during the day. 

The image of walking into the operating room stuck with me more than anything else. The wording of my pre-op instructions made it sound like I would have to walk into the OR instead of being wheeled in like my last procedure. There was something about that idea of having to open the door myself and place myself on the bed that was so much scarier than anything else. It would be like strapping myself into a Tower of Terror ride; a leap of faith that I had to take myself. For the record, I hate thrill rides for this exact reason. 

Even if everything went right, I might still not be happy with my outcomes and $20,000 USD for the worse. There is always the chance of a negative reaction to anesthesia or things healing poorly. Nevermind how some portion of the outcome is going to be up to the aesthetic preferences of the surgeon. With all that in mind, I still knew that I would regret it if I didn’t go through with the procedure.   

When the day came, my partner and I were up at 3am. I say we were up, but I was too nervous to sleep. All the same worries about outcomes, complications and the cost of the procedure kept knocking around in my head. I ended up going with the same surgeon that did my vaginoplasty a few years ago. He is still working out of the same hospital so it felt oddly familiar walking back into the same waiting room. My partner and I ended up sitting on the same bench where I had cried years ago. Sitting there, I clearly recalled how it felt asking my caretaker if she thought I was doing the right thing as if that was a question anyone could answer for me. This time, even if I didn’t know if I was making the right choice, I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t making a bad choice.

Everything else from there to the OR was routine. I winced as the anesthesiologist put the IV in my arm and tried to look unbothered when one of the nurses kept calling me a man. Mercifully, they wheeled my bed into the OR. I was a wreck of nerves as I passed the point of no return and then the lights went out. I woke up hours later in the recovery room. All that work researching the likelihood of waking up during surgery for nothing. 

My eyes were almost swollen shut, my head was wrapped in bandages from the brow up, my mouth was full of painful sutures, my threat was irritated from the breathing tube and to make it all worse I immediately threw up. The combo of existing irritation and vomiting was worse than anything from the actual surgery. My body was producing flem to try to soothe the irritation but that ended up making it difficult to breathe. Coughing to clear the flem irritated the sutures and…you probably get the picture.

Back at home, I spent the rest of the day in bed communicating with my partner via text messages because it hurt too much to talk. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror and my partner astutely covered up all the mirrors I was likely to walk past. An eyewitness told me that the bruising was extensive around my eyes and my face was so swollen that it looked like a perfect sphere. Eating anything but ice chips was painful. Did you know Pedialyte makes popsicles now? They rule. 

The surgery was on Friday and the following Monday morning my doctor removed the dressings and gave me a chin bra to wear for the next four weeks. It’s a weird looking compression wrap that goes under my chin to support it while it heals. According to him, my healing was going great but I still refused the mirror when he tried to show me what I looked like. 

Despite my best efforts, I did end up seeing my face eventually. Our brains have a very advanced neural network for recognizing our own faces. Between the still painful swelling, incision marks tracing my hairline and (still) black/bloodshot eyes, my brain popped an error message. Yes, I could touch my face and feel it. I knew I was looking at myself. Emotionally, it just didn’t click. I didn’t want it to. 

Physically healing has been fine for the most part. I can’t smile or laugh too much before my jaw hurts or eat solid food just yet, but every day is a big step forward. At this rate, my sutures and incisions should be healed in another week or two as I’m getting ready to head back to work.  

But even as things get better in the short-term, FFS is a long and complicated healing process. Things will continue to shift and settle for up to a year before I really know what my face will look like. I’m sure that at some stage of the healing process, I’m going to look in the mirror and feel disappointed before things shift again. 

Everyone I’ve talked to has told me that they’ve ultimately been happy with their results, but what if I’m in that small percentage that isn’t? What if those nerves never reconnect and large parts of my face will always be numb? Those are all possibilities right now. 

There is a happy ending for now at least. Despite my best efforts, I caught myself in the mirror again this morning. It wasn’t long enough for me to recognize the incision, bruising or swelling, but my brain did see the stranger in the mirror and think “she’s kinda cute.”

[joonie-beanie]

Daddy Devil  { Submission }

<– [Prologue] | [Dominance] | 

A/N: Lmaoooo the title is misleading xD but! In the context of the first part of this story, it makes sense lol. So there!

Anyway, here’s the second part of Daddy Devil! There was a lot of positive feedback on the first part, so I figured I’d give writing a second part a shot. Hopefully you all like it!

Consider it a belated Valentine’s Day present~ ;p

Words: 7,414

Genre: Smut/Demon!AU

Namjoon finds himself standing at the bottom of the regal staircase, face blank and cock grown hard between his legs. The clock on the walls ticks just past 3AM, and the entire house is silent—Hell, for once, seems to have quieted down.

But the thoughts in Namjoon’s brain are loud. The images from his dream continue to play in his head, and he scowls, fingers curling into fists.

Taut, rosy nipples—skin decorated with bruises and hickies. Thighs quivering, lips and chin slick with drool, ass red—but that smirk. That cocky little smirk that only belongs to one girl he’s had the pleasure of attempting to ruin, and that damn smirk belongs to you. A smart little girl in Jungkook’s territory, daring enough to deem him “daddy” and even more bold as to play games in his presence despite the fact that you had been at his complete mercy.

The way you’d reacted and bantered with him had been branded into his mind, and you’d been terrorizing him even though your physical presence in his life was lacking.

And tonight is not the first night you had entered his dreams and made him like this—cock stiff and weeping, his heart thrumming with the need to dominate and make you submit.

Yet…his dependence somewhat scares him, because he doesn’t need you, so instead he turns his frustration elsewhere—stepping forward and throwing open the double doors leading into the Play Room.

Girls are thrown over the couches and chairs, eyes groggily popping open at the sound of someone entering. They’re wearing nothing but collars or piercings, typically not needing clothes when their services are needed by many of Namjoon’s men throughout the day.

Eyes widening, the girls can hardly believe their eyes when they spot that its Namjoon who has interrupted their sleep, and any rude thoughts that had come to mind fly away. They all scramble to their feet, watching as Namjoon looks them over, their mouths already slack as their gaze drops to the tent in his pants.

“Don’t make me ask,” he simply states, voice gruff from sleep, and undresses himself before sitting down in an arm chair. Obedient as always, the girls immediately surround him, hands roaming his tanned skin and their mouths parting to release quiet moans.

Namjoon closes his eyes as they work, eyebrows furrowed as lips caress his neck and chest, a small hand boldly wrapping around his cock. They tug skillfully, a mouth descending to enclose around the head of his length. The wet warmth comforts him, coaxing his orgasm towards the surface, but even so he still feels unsatisfied.

These girls have no voice—no effect on him. They don’t make him cocky—don’t give him a challenge. They’re here to please and nothing more, there’s no feeling behind their actions, no reaction behind what they feel.

When he opens his eyes he sees a girl knelt before him, mouth engulfing his cock, her eyes locked on his, waiting to receive his approval. But that’s all she cares about, making sure the Devil is happy with her work, and that doesn’t get Namjoon off.

It used to, in the drunk hours of the night, but not now.

Now he only sees the girls face and wishes that she could be you—trying your best to please him earnestly, searching for a reward yet also getting off despite the pain. A spicy, yet innocent demon—one that he wants to get his hands on once again.

“Fuck,” he growls, reaching down and shoving the girl off of him.

“Sir?” she asks in surprise, nervousness overtaking her tone. Standing up, Namjoon quickly steps into his pants, cock still hard against his leg, and looks back at the girls. His eyes are dark.

“You all did fine, go back to sleep.”

With that he exits the room and storms up the stairs. When he reaches his private quarters, Namjoon slams the door shut behind him, feet gluing to the floor a few steps inside the room. His eyes lock on the spot where he’d first saw you—hands bound above your head, body bare and utterly perfect.

Hand sneaking beneath the band of his pants, his palm strokes his cock, breath turning shaky as he recalls his memory of that day. Your ass, your lips—the way your pussy had felt around his cock. The way you’d obeyed him yet had made sure to retain your independence with wit, and the thought of your snarky words alone has a growl building in his throat, wrists twisting and his eyes fluttering shut.

He recalls your slicked thighs and quivering muscles as he’d touched you, and his teeth grind, dick aching under his touch. The temptation of your wet, warm walls enclosing him and taking him so wonderfully is what sends him over the edge, a gravelly curse sneaking past his lips as he cums in his own palm, the white substance accidentally painting the inside of his pants as well.

Eyes reopening, Namjoon stares down at himself, eyes burning maroon as confused anger passes through his skull. He doesn’t remember the last time he got off like this—like a blushing virgin boy, jacking off to fantasies in his head. He’s always had people to service him—to do his bidding, to take care of his needs. And the girls eat him up, truly. A chance to pleasure the Devil—what lower level, horny demon would pass the opportunity up?

But now they’re not enough for him, and it’s frustrating to realize that he wants you. God, you of all people—a random demon he hadn’t even known about until two weeks ago. But…fuck, something about you has him yearning for more…

“Fuck,” he growls, running his unsoiled hand through his hair. Namjoon walks forward and steps out of his pants, discarding his shirt on the bathroom floor as he strides into the white-tiled room, hand reaching out to start the shower.

He wants you but he’s not sure if you want to see him again. After all, he’d taken you under his mercy, even if you had enjoyed it (at least judging by the way your body had reacted).

But why should he care about the way you feel? He’s the Devil, he can have what he wants.

So, attempting to push his worries aside, writing it off as an emotion he shouldn’t need to bother with (even though the question of: do you want him like he wants you? remains), Namjoon steps into the steaming shower and decides that the next time you come to his mind he won’t hold back. He’ll come and find you.

Darkness descends upon Hell, the artificial sun fading away. The sky changes shade as the ball in the sky fades from yellow to dimmed white, craters appearing on its surface—a little feature added to mimic the look of Earth’s moon.

Namjoon has always been interested in Earthlings and the way that their world functions, Jungkook muses, nursing the glass of juice the bar tender had passed him. Well—half juice, the other half is vodka, but he hates to drink it straight. He typically despises being teased by his hyungs as the youngest, yet in this instance he’ll resign to his younger age. Sweet drinks are still his favorite.

Taking a swig of the concoction, Jungkook’s eyes shift sideways, head turning as he survey’s the laden bar. Most of the patrons he knows briefly on a name or face basis. It’s his job as the 3rd level guardian to know those he needs to keep tabs on.

However, mixed into the crowd are unfamiliar faces as well—people who are likely from Hoseok or Jimin’s level. It’s rare that anyone from Jin’s or Taehyung’s levels ever comes up for a visit, and typically the high class demons of Namjoon’s domain stay mingled amongst their own rank. And, of course, people from Yoongi’s dusty basement don’t get out much either, or…ever, really.

Sighing, Jungkook turns on his stool and takes another mouthful of his drink. Slyly, his eyes glance to the corner of the room where you and your friends are sitting, chatting away about one thing or another.

A couple days after Namjoon had deposited you back home, you had bumped into Jungkook, slapping your hand against his chest angrily at the way he had treated you before. Jungkook had laughed, taking your hand into his own and bringing it to his lips, apologizing for his actions. “It was too much fun,” he’d said, which had earned him another smack, and then…an invitation for lunch. To talk.

You had wanted to know about Namjoon—what he would do next, if he would come for you again. Jungkook hadn’t been able to supply you with much of an answer. He had no idea how Namjoon would act from here on. To his knowledge, nothing like this had ever happened before. Sure, Namjoon had found plenty of girls over the ages to take into his bed for one night only, but…this was different. That’s what Jungkook sensed from the situation. And his suspicions had only been confirmed when you had—

“Oh, and do you know what this is??” you had asked him, looking around with slightly flushed cheeks before you’d lifted up your shirt, revealing the small, shattered black circle on your ribs.

In speed unmatched Jungkook had immediately reached over, tugging your shirt back in place, his face so close to yours that you had seen the shock in his eyes.

“That’s the Devil’s mark,” he had said, sounding baffled, his voice quiet as he had fallen back into his seat. “I mean…it’s the guardians mark—we each have one—”

Pushing a bit of energy into his palm, Jungkook made his own circular black mark appear.

“What…is it?” you had asked, and Jungkook had bit his lips, brows furrowing.

“It basically…is claim? Well--,” he quickly made to amend his phrasing. “The guardians use these circles as a way to keep track of the people we especially…want to keep an eye on. The mark allows us to sense any extreme emotions—pain, sadness, happiness…ecstasy…”

Your eyes had widened, arms crossing over your chest, and Jungkook had stared back at you, unsure what to say.

“So it’s basically a leash.”

“No, Y/N,” Jungkook had quickly sighed, leaning forward and placing his hand on the table, palm open. You had only hesitated for a moment before uncrossing your arms, own hand inching forward to rest intertwined with his.

“It’s not a leash. I don’t think He put this on you to make you feel like a puppy in a cage—”

“Then why—?”

“He probably…cares…about you,” Jungkook had said, wincing at his own words. They were strange to say, but Jungkook had been told long ago by his other hyungs that Namjoon was incapable of completely sealing off his emotions.

“He values them too much,” Yoongi had scoffed, a younger version of Jungkook resting on bench beside the elder. “He’s too interested in the way people think and the way they react to situations. Like a cat with 9 lives he can’t give up his curiosity, and that might be his downfall, but--,” Yoongi had shrugged, not seeming too bothered.

“He is what he is.”

“Cares?” you had repeated, sounding baffled, and Jungkook had sighed. “But He just…you know… because you over heard me that one night…isn’t that the only reason he--?”

“I don’t know, Y/N—you’d have to talk to him yourself. I really don’t have all the answers.” Jungkook had told you, and you’d sighed with resignation.

Now here you are a few weeks later, back in the social scene. Jungkook can tell that you’re attempting to get back to your regular routine, likely assuming that Namjoon won’t come for you again, but…Jungkook has his doubts about that.

There’s something about you that even has Jungkook wanting to draw close, and quite honestly Jungkook had debated playing with you once you’d returned from Namjoon, but…after seeing Namjoon’s mark on you Jungkook had quickly stomped on the idea.

Taking his eyes off of you, swiveling back towards the bar to request another drink, Jungkook nearly chokes on the last swig of his liquor when a familiar aura penetrates the barrier surrounding the third level.

Immediately his eyes turn into saucers, head whipping sideways to look at you. He finds you looking down at your body, hand lifting to press against the area on your ribs where Namjoon had left his mark. Both you and your friends look confused, not knowing why you’d reacted like so suddenly. However, clearly you know that something has changed, and you stand from your chair, grabbing your purse. Your friends call after you, wondering why you seem to be in a rush, but you can’t find the words to explain, and you bid them a final farewell before rushing out of the bar.

Jungkook watches you go, tempted to follow and see what happens—but instead he pats his palm on the wooden counter and orders up another round from the bar tender.

For whatever reason Namjoon is here—which Jungkook already knows likely has to do with you—it’s not his business, now is it?

You’re not sure what it is. You’re not sure what suddenly draws you out of your conversation with your friends. But when you regain a fraction of alertness you find yourself looking down at your torso, palm pressed against the side of your ribs. Namjoon’s mark is tingling. It almost feels like…excitement? Intoxication?

Either way, the force draws you out of your chair, and before you know what’s happening you’re outside of the bar, heels clicking against the pavement. It takes half a block for you to realize that you have no idea where you’re going. You don’t even know why you’d suddenly up and left—but your emotions are boggled. And you can’t help it.

Even when you stop in your tracks and take a deep breath, telling yourself to regain control and situate yourself, there’s still something driving you to act differently. And you’re helpless to make it stop.

“Dammit,” you sigh, head hanging. Your legs are itching to move—to keep going. But to where?

To Namjoon, a conscious deep in your mind responds, and you find yourself pressing your palm to his mark yet again.

That feeling…at the bar. He felt…close. Closer. It was almost as if you could sense him, and the feeling alone of him potentially being near had caused you to run—but not away. Towards him. You wanted to see him again. You’ve been wanting to see him ever since you woke up in your own bed the night after your first meeting, sore and bruised, yet sated. Discovering the black mark on your side had thrown you through a loop, quite honestly, but…overall you’d been left wanting move. You wanted to feel him again—to experience all he had to offer. And while over the days your lingering lust for him had diminished, your yearning to see him again hadn’t.

You had questions, you wanted to know more about him. You wanted to know what you meant to him—why he had marked you.

And now, the mark reacting to something, and the possibility of Namjoon being near driving you forward—you’re like a school girl chasing after her crush. You want…you need to see him again.

Gathering yourself, taking another deep breath, you decide to let the invisible force lead the way. Your feet move of their own accord, but you note that your surroundings are familiar—too familiar—and it’s not long before your find yourself stood in front of the building that houses your apartment.

There’s no way, you think in shock, eyes wide. Yet, as you enter the building your hands fumble in your purse for your keys, much less controlled than usual. It takes a great amount of concentration to stick your house key into the lock, but eventually you get it, pushing into your apartment slowly. Weariness has taken over now, and you glance around the room questioningly, making a pit stop right inside the door to set your purse and keys down.

Heels lightly clicking against the floor, you traverse into your apartment, passing through your small kitchen. The entirety of your flat is one open room—your bed in the middle, and the bathroom blocked off to the side. There’s not really a place to hide…so maybe he isn’t here, you think, straightening up. Maybe you’re just imagining things. Maybe your longing had caused you to act rashly like…this…

Then why is your balcony door slightly ajar—you notice, eyes flitting to the incorrectly closed glass panels as one of your curtains flutters in the breeze. You swore you had locked those doors before you had left—

“Took you long enough to notice,” a deep voice muses, heat instantly sparking in your gut as a presence appears behind you. Warmth radiates against your back, two large hands moving to grope you—one on your clothed breast and the other sneaking to rest on an inner part of your hip.

“Well, it’s not often that men choose to sneak into my apartment like this,” is the reply you manage, bottom lip catching between your teeth. Chuckling, Namjoon leans forward, nuzzling his nose against your neck as his hand gives your breast a gentle squeeze. Immediately you allow you head to roll back, knocking against his chest, and you feel his lips grin against your skin.

“Did you miss me that much, baby girl? You’re giving in so easily.”

“I could ask the same to you,” you respond smartly, tongue darting out to wet your smirking lips when his teeth nip your neck in warning. “You’re the one who came to find me, aren’t you? For what reason did you come back, Namjoon?”

The sound of his real name dripping off your tongue so teasingly immediately has a growl building in his throat. He hasn’t been in your presence more than a minute yet his cock is already begging to be encased in your walls. Almost like a primal instinct, he aches to make you submit for him—and that bold attitude of yours only causes to rile him up further.

“I came back--,” he begins, voice dark. His hand on your breast curls up around your neck, fingers pressing into the soft flesh, and he turns you and pins you against the wall. Your eyes widen at the unexpected move, pulse searing against his fingertips, and his grip on your hip locks you in place.

“—because you’re like a goddamn siren whose call haunts my dreams at night,” he grunts, lips descending upon yours. His kisses steal your breath way in second, your body becoming pliant for him as he snakes his tongue into your mouth.

He kisses you until you’re red, lungs heaving for air as soon as he pulls back, and yet, despite your gasping breaths—

Namjoon skillfully flicks open the button and zipper on your tight jeans, hand moving to caress your covered womanhood. His fingers tease along your slit, feeling how wetness as already soaked into your panties.

“You get off on that, huh? You’re already wet. Do you enjoy it when I have all the control?” he ponders, fingers loosening around your neck. His hands grip the collar of your button-up blouse, and with one controlled tug the buttons fly open, Namjoon’s touch ghosting over your skin as he guides the top off of your shoulders. Fabric pools at your feet, and goosebumps raise on your skin, your eyes moving to look at Namjoon.

His fingers slide over your skin, catching your bra straps and moving them so they slide down the curve of your shoulders, falling limp by your arms. Your body is exactly as he remembers it—still just as tempting, even with clothes on. But you won’t be clothed much longer, he muses, head dipping in to nip at your collarbone. As Namjoon sucks the skin between his plush lips, tongue and teeth bidding the area some attention as well, his fingers tease at the clasp of your bra, and your breathing stutters.

“Patience, baby girl,” he teases, tickling your spine with his feather-like touch, and you huff. Lifting your hands, you smack his clothed shoulders.

“You invite yourself into my apartment unannounced and have the audacity to make me wet and then tell me to be patient?” You laugh, only teasing, really, but before you can say anything else Namjoon has pulled back from where he’d been lavishing your chest. He stands at his full height in front of you, eyes sparking red as he grips both your wrists and pins them on the wall high above your head. You gasp in surprise, eyes widening as he leans down and stares at you straight on.

“Who am I?” he asks, tone unwavering.

“You’re…the Devil,” you respond, chest pressing forward as you suck in a large breath. Namjoon hums in approval, inching forward, his eyes flicking down to your parted lips.

“So what makes you think you have the right to speak to me like that?”

“Because you enjoy that I’m a smartass,” you respond immediately, presenting it as fact. Namjoon pauses, and his wandering eyes move back to your face. He says nothing, corneas swirling with yellow as he stares, and you continue.

“That’s what you said the last time we met, and I know you enjoy the fact that I’m not a kiss-ass to you. I imagine as the Devil people are so scared of you that they’ll drop to their knees immediately, but…,” you swallow, noticing how Namjoon’s thumb has started to rub methodically against the skin of your pinned wrist.

“Since you assured me you wouldn’t hurt me, I don’t have to act like that. I don’t have to be completely obedient. Besides,” you bite your lip to try and keep yourself from smiling, but the tactic quickly fails. “I bet you like the defiance.”

“God, I fucking hate how you manage to read me like a book,” he grumbles, eyebrows furrowed in both ponder and frustration. However, at seeing your proud smile Namjoon’s heart flutters, and he reserves a minute to soak in the new position his unbridled dominance had lead him to pin you in.

With your arms stretched high above your head, your bra had shifted slightly, revealing a hint of your pert, rosy nipples, and the sight alone makes Namjoon’s cock strain. Such a little smartass, but right now you look like an angel in disguise—so soft—and he wants nothing more to mark you up and make you moan.

“So tell me, sweetheart,” he muses, casually moving to hold your wrists with one of his large hands, the other rubbing down your back, stopping at the clasp of your bra. He flicks it open with minimal challenge, your bra immediately falling to the floor, and your chest becoming fully revealed to him. You bite your lip as the air of the room brushes over your sensitive breasts, and Namjoon notes your aroused reaction—his leg shifting forward to part your knees and discontinue the rubbing of your thighs.

“What do you want, hmm?”

“Is it about what I want?” you question, gasping when his fingers flick at your nipple. You should know by now that while he doesn’t mind you being a smartass—it will get you punishment.

“I believe we have mutual interests, so yes, it is about what you want,” he responds, rolling your afflicted nipple between his fingers. You try to keep your voice steady as you say your reply, but Namjoon pinching and tugging at the sensitive bud is not helping you.

“I just…I want to cum.”

“Obviously,” he snorts, free hand moving to give your other nipple some much needed attention. You quietly moan at the feeling, and a pleasant hum leaves Namjoon’s throat at the sound.

“Like what we had last time,” you clarify, thighs clenching around his leg. “I like it when you’re rough and dominant, and—”

“Do you want me to take control, Y/N?” he asks seriously, his eyes crimson. You can tell how worked up he is already—how he could wreck you this very moment if he didn’t hold interest in dragging the current exchange out in order to work you up.

“If you give me your submission I will take care of you,” he whispers, lips pressing into the junction of your neck and shoulder. His canines scrap against your skin, causing goosebumps to rise, and you gasp, your chest instinctively pushing towards him. You feel him grin.

“I trust you, so I’ll give you what you want, Namjoon.”

“Good,” he growls, and immediately releases your trapped wrists. Grabbing you by your waist, he turns you and backs you into your mattress. His fingers slip beneath the band of both your pants and panties, and in one fell swoop you’re bare before him.

Of course, you still have the decency to blush—cheeks darkening as you push onto your forearms. Your eyes never leave Namjoon—watching as he sheds his own clothes with a sense of urgency. He shucks off his pants and tugs off his shirt, his eyes slyly shifting to scan your body once he’s fully naked.

The fact that your gaze immediately slides to his cock, pupils widening with your growing arousal, fills him with a sense of pride.

“Come here,” he beckons, hand dipping to rest on your thigh. You listen without hesitation, scooting to the edge of the bed, and your breath catches when Namjoon pushes your thighs far apart—straining the muscles in your legs.

“Don’t let them close,” he threatens, getting down on one knee. His hand curves around your back, forcing you to arch right into his awaiting mouth—and his other hand moves to tease your slit, fingers coasting along your wet folds.

You can’t help but groan as his tongue traces your chest—teeth scraping over your mounds. Namjoon is sure to lavish your skin and mark you with bruises and red blotches to the fullest extent, whines pouring from your lips.

“Shit--!” you gasp when his thumb suddenly digs into your clit, two of his long fingers pressing into you. Namjoon feels your walls hug around his digits, and he nearly groans as he imagines your pussy hugging his cock instead.

“Namjoon,” you moan as he begins finger fucking you—slowly, at first. He makes you whine, eyes shifting up to watch you even as his mouth continues to lavish your chest with attention.

Every brush of his fingers against your walls has your thighs quivering, fingers fisting in the sheets beneath you. He’s the only one that can get you like this—so needy to cum even though you’re sure that the night is only beginning.

“Faster, please,” you beg him, head lolling back. Your eyes flutter shut, Namjoon’s fingers momentarily quickening, however, after a few seconds he thrusts into you and doesn’t move, his fingers curling against your walls.

“Hey,” he speaks, voice dark, and suddenly there’s a smack against your cheek. Immediately your eyes open, head lifting to look down at him, and his hand grips your jaw, causing your lips to pout involuntarily.

“Don’t you dare look away,” he commands, a growl in his tone. His dark eyes leave no room to argue, and he holds your stare as he briefly removes his fingers from your pussy.

“Open,” he commands, bringing his other hand to your face. Loosening his grip on your jaw, you open your mouth, cheek stinging from the moderate slap, yet you can’t deny that the smack hadn’t turned you on.

“Suck,” he speaks again, two of his fingers resting on your tongue—your own juices soaking onto your taste buds—and you comply. Sealing your lips around his fingers, you bob your head back and forth, tongue swirling around his digits.

Namjoon watches you intensely, feeling quite restless—but you’re too enthralling to him. Your responses—the way your body naturally reacts to him. He’s not willing to give all that fun up just yet—even if his primal instincts are telling him to bury his cock balls deep inside of you.  

A minute later, satisfied with your work and the spit now coating your lips and chin, as well as his fingers, Namjoon releases your jaw from his grasp and pulls his digits out. Moving down, he returns his slick fingers to your glistening fold, teasing them at your entrance.

“I’m going to fuck you, and I’m not going to hold back,” he tells you, pleased that your attention has been only on him since he had told you to not look away. “However--,” he shoves his fingers into your pussy, and all the muscles in your stomach clench, breath catching and eyelashes fluttering.

“You are not allowed to cum until I give you permission, understand?”

“Yes,” you respond breathlessly, a curse catching in your throat when Namjoon begins. Just as he stated—he doesn’t hold back. His wet, perfect digits, slide against your walls, curling and stretching you in all the right ways. It doesn’t take long—even while he purposefully avoids your clit—for the pleasure in your gut to grow immeasurably.

“Fuck, Namjoon, please can I cum?” you pant, cheeks pink and lips red. There are hickies littered all over your beautiful chest, and the sight of you alone has Namjoon wanting to say yes, but—

“No.” And to make it worse—his fingers don’t stop. In fact, they fuck into your harder, Namjoon’s other hand shifting to rest just above your womanhood, and his thumb extends downward to press directly into your clit

”Fuck--,” you nearly choke, entire body jolting as you curl in on yourself. Your eyes momentarily close as the pleasure overwhelms you, and it doesn’t take more than a second for Namjoon to react, his fingers stopping all movements. Immediately your eyes fly open as you realize your mistake, and you meet his unwavering eyes. Satisfied, he goes right back to his previous pace.

“Do you really think I should let you cum?” he asks, thumb rubbing tantalizing circles against your swollen clit. You nearly sob.

“I told you not to close your eyes and you did. And not only that—look at your legs.”

Shit, you mentally curse, noting how far they’ve closed. They’re nearly hugging Namjoon.

“Please, baby, please,” you cry, walls throbbing against his fingers, and Namjoon licks his lips, jaw steeling. Fuck, he might like you calling him ‘baby’ even better than ‘daddy’. For some reason the intimate term asserts the notion that you’re truly his, and his cock twitches at the idea.

“You’re not convincing enough,” he grumbles, eyes flicking up to look at you, and he nearly loses it at the look of desperation on your face.

“Na—mmmm—joon, I can’t--,” you gasp, throwing your head back, and everything comes crashing forward. Your legs shake, body folding in on itself—and for a moment Namjoon debates removing his hands. He debates not helping you ride your high. You did disobey him, after all, but the soft spot in his heart—and the fact that you look absolutely delectable while orgasming—has him pumping you through your bliss.

As you slowly descend from the waves of pleasure, chest heaving, muscles spasming—you both hear and feel Namjoon wetly pull his fingers out of you, and immediately your heart stops. Regaining your breath, you sheepishly peek up at him, and the look he gives you can be described as nothing short of disappointment.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon, I tried, I did--,” you say quickly. Leaning forward, your cup his cheeks between your palms and kiss him—hoping that doing so will help to amend the situation in some way. Not going to waste a kiss, Namjoon wraps his arms around you—tugging you close—and kisses you back. The softly intimate moment lasts briefly, but Namjoon doesn’t plan to forget that you had been unable to correctly follow his orders.

“Get up, sweetheart,” he growls, yanking on your hair and causing you to gasp. Dragging you up from where you’re sitting on the edge of the mattress, Namjoon forces you to stand. He then releases you, and seats himself where you had been, his legs slightly spread, cock at attention.

“Stomach down,” he commands, patting his thigh, and, swallowing your anxiousness, you climb back onto the bed and sprawl yourself over his lap. He adjusts your position accordingly, his cock pressing against your bare skin.

“How many times do you think is fair, hmm?” he muses, one of his hands rubbing over your ass, and a shiver immediately racks your spine.

“However many you see fit,” you respond, your head dropping.

“I see you’re trying to make up for disobeying earlier, aren’t you?” he chuckles. One hand resting on your ass, the other slides up the curve of your spine and once again tangles in your hair, forcing your head up and subsequently causing your back to arch further. You whine against his hold, but the noise only sounds like music to Namjoon’s ears.

Rubbing his palm against your soft bottom, Namjoon shifts his eyes over to look at you, noticing the way your shoulder blades tense as he lifts his hand.

“Count,” he commands simply, and then propels his hand downward, the sound of the spank echoing through your moon-lit apartment. You gasp at the sting, noting how Namjoon refuses to soothe the ailing skin after the rough contact.

“One,” you count dutifully, biting your lip as you wait for the next hit to come.

Switching cheeks, Namjoon once again lightly rubs the soft skin and then spanks it—the supple flesh jiggling under his palm and quickly turning red after the hit.

“Two,” you count, chest shaking, hips wiggling in Namjoon’s lap. The male hisses, the friction against his cock heavenly—but it’s not time for that yet.

“Stay still,” he warns you, tugging on your locks slightly, and you whimper, but immediately stop moving.

“Good girl,” Namjoon comments, rubbing his hand over the cherry colored skin on your ass. “If you can take 8 more and don’t forget to count I’ll stop the punishment, sweetheart. Ok?”

“Ok,” you agree, breathing deep from your nose. Lifting his hand, Namjoon spanks you again, and even though you hadn’t thought it possible, his hits continue to get harder.

“T-Three,” you barely manage, body shaking at the painful yet arousing feeling. Even though the sting prevails over the pleasure, you can still feel how wet you are—how badly your pussy is once again begging to be filled.

Eyes continuing to watch your reactions closely—a groan building in his throat each time you jump or twitch and cause his cock to rub against your stomach—Namjoon’s knows that even if you hadn’t made it to 10, he would have flipped you over and fucked you right then and there. He’d been holding back for too long.

“Good job, sweetheart,” he praises once the final count has left your lips, ass red and perhaps slightly bruised as well. Soothing his hand over the battered skin, Namjoon then slips his fingers between your legs, a curse leaving his lips at how wet you are.

“Fuck, you’re practically dripping,” he growls, and suddenly you find yourself flipped onto your back. Unable to reserve himself for a second longer, Namjoon quickly climbs on top of you, grabbing your legs. Parting your thighs, he strokes his aching shaft a few times as he aligns himself at your entrance, and—like heaven—your pussy swallows his cock, walls hugging him so wonderfully.

“Shit,” he growls, hooking his arms beneath your knees. He pushes upward until the tops of your thighs are nearly flat with your chest, and then wastes no time getting to work.

Snapping his hips forward, Namjoon rocks the bed with the force of his thrusts, and you are helpless to stop the lewd moans that leave you, flooding the room. If you thought he had been rough with you last time—this is something entirely new. Like a beast craving nothing more than bliss, Namjoon smacks his hips against you—cock stretching and filling your pussy beautifully.

Unable to say or do anything against Namjoon’s explosion of dominance, you hang onto the sheets beneath you, eyes barely managing to stay open. While you know Namjoon is searching for his own release, his raw display of power and strength had only served to turn you on as well—and even though you feel like you can cum at any moment, you refuse to close your eyes.

You can’t miss this—not a second of it. You feel a need to drink it all up—the sight of Namjoon’s blond-silver hair messily coming undone, the sight of his torso flexing and jaw clenching. His eyes are screwed shut, brows furrowed, yet he has never looked more desperate—and you refuse to let that sight go to waste—especially when the sight alone causes heat to flare in your gut.

“Fuck, Y/N,” Namjoon curses, his fingers digging into your legs. His head drops forward, lungs heaving and hot breaths breezing over your skin. It’s quite obvious he’s on the edge, his body nearly shaking, and you sob. You’re so, so close.

Reaching your hand up, you tightly grip one of Namjoon’s arms, but before you can beg him to allow you permission to touch your clit, his hand drops your other legs and flies between your bodies. You choke on a cry when his fingers press into your clit, frantically rubbing against the oversensitive bud.

Tossing your head back, you helplessly continue to hold onto the bed sheets for dear life as Namjoon slams his cock into you—wet smacks echoing off your apartment walls. However, it doesn’t take long for the growing pleasure to crumble—both you and Namjoon racing to the finish line.

Curse catching in his throat, Namjoon’s pace stutters, and he thrusts into you one last time before burying himself between your soaking walls, his orgasm hitting home. Luckily, you follow just seconds after, Namjoon’s two fingers dutifully continuing to rub at your clit.

“Shit--,” you moan, eyes fluttering shut, skull bouncing against the mattress. Your walls pulse around Namjoon’s sensitive cock, milking him for everything he’s worth, and the male groans—deep, sated.

Finally, once the aftershock of your orgasms has worn off, Namjoon pulls out and releases his grip on your leg. Moaning tiredly, half glad that it’s over and half wanting to go another round, you roll onto your side and curl up near the pillows. You hear Namjoon chuckle, the mattress shifting as he moves, and your eyes peek open. When you see that he’s moving to leave, you quickly reach out and grab his wrist.

Freezing, Namjoon turns back to look at you. Your face is tired and sated, yet he sees the questioning in your eyes. Where are you going? Why did you come here? And with a quiet sigh he returns to the bed and lays down beside you.

Eye to eye, Namjoon reaches out to pull you closer, your legs entwining, and you can’t help but smile a little. Leaning forward, you stop just an inch from his face and purse your lips, waiting for a kiss. Waiting to see if he’ll actually grant it. It’s a form of intimacy that isn’t based off of sex—like your relationship has been so far—and you’re curious how he’ll react

For a second, the Devil hesitates. What is he doing? Why here? Why with you? He doesn’t need this—he doesn’t need intimacy or owe it to anyone, and yet…when he looks into your gentle eyes and sees that you understand his hesitation, yet still patiently wait for his decision, his heart softens.

Palm moving to lightly caress your cheek, Namjoon meets you in the middle, kissing you sweetly. You can’t help but smile against his lips, feeling strangely satisfied despite knowing that he may leave again. That he may not want to stay—that you may not mean much to him in the end.

“So,” you start off by saying, Namjoon’s regular, dark brown eyes shifting up to meet your stare. “Was this necessary?” you ask, reaching down to poke at the shattered black circle on your ribs.

Mimicking your action, Namjoon reaches his palm down and lightly presses it against the circle. Immediately you feel power thrum through your body—hairs standing on end.

“It’s protection, so yes,” he answers, unbothered.

“Do you want to protect me?” you ask.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

At that, Namjoon pauses, brows furrowing. He looks back to your face, hand still resting against his mark on your side. He doesn’t seem to know his own reasoning, but thankfully after a few seconds to sort his thoughts out, he comes up with an answer

“Because you’re special to me,” he says honestly, seemingly embarrassed and confused to be saying those words. You smile, eyes creasing in understanding.

“You haven’t dealt with someone like me before, have you?”

“Never,” he answers honestly, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. “I’m the Devil. I’m not even supposed to have emotions like this. Of course I get horny, of course I get angry and upset and things like that but…you make me feel…more? I don’t want to let you get away. I gave you the mark in case something were to ever happen to you. It’s protection.”

“Jungkook said it was like claim,” you chide, and Namjoon scowls.

“Stop hanging out with that brat.”

“Well someone’s jealous,” you joke, but Namjoon’s face only hardens. You blink in surprise.

“Really?? You’re jealous??”

“No, I--,” he starts to say, sitting up straight, and then stops. He frowns, lips pressing together, and you can see him internally try to once again piece together his thoughts and emotions. So, sighing, you sit up as well and turn to face him. Reaching over, you grab both his hands and hold them with yours, thumbs rubbing over his skin.

“Namjoon, listen,” you tell him seriously, and his eyes shift over to you. You take a deep breath, still baffled that this is all happening. You never in your life imagined you’d be sitting in bed with the Devil at midnight, the smell of sex fresh in the air, and your relationship with him undecided.

“Since we met two weeks ago I haven’t been able to get you off my mind—as stupid as that sounds, but…if you…want…me—and you want what we’ve been doing, then…I’m willing to try and make it work. God, this sounds so crazy--,” you quickly try to backtrack, releasing his hands. Shifting, you try and scoot away, embarrassed that you’d even thought to say such a thing to the Devil, but Namjoon quickly draws you back.

Grabbing you by your waist, he drags you into his lap and curls his body around you, your back flat against his chest and his arms comfortably wrapped around you.

“I’m as baffled by this situation as you are,” he says, resting his head on your shoulder. “And you’re not allowed to tell anyone I’m being this damn soft to you or my reputation will be ruined,” he groans mournfully, causing you to laugh. “But…like I said, you’re special to me, and I want to be able to interact with you freely, so…if that’s what “making it work” encompasses, then…we can…try?”

“We’ll start slow,” you promise him, kissing his cheek. “We’re both a little lost here, considering who you are and who I’m not—,” your phrasing causes him to chuckle, and you smile. “But if you want to try then I’m willing to try too.”

“So just to be clear,” he mumbles, lips pressing against your naked shoulder. “This means that you’re not going to have sex with anyone else but me, right?”

“Right,” you agree, “and I’d hope you’d return the favor.”

“Sweetheart, like I said—you’ve been the only one on my mind for two weeks now,” Namjoon chuckles, kissing one of your fresh hickies. “I’m not going anywhere.”

[herselfportrait]

INTERVIEW: AERIS ROVES

(Written for The Line of Best Fit)

Aeris Roves’ style is a mellow, nocturnal reinvention of R&B, firmly following Frank Ocean’s school of thought. His instrumentals are nuanced, drawing on electronic elements as often as they lean on classic percussion. Roves’ music is a practise in subtlety, where every sound – though gentle and muted – is always used to great effect beneath his soulful voice. His debut album, Moon by Island Gardens, a regular haunt for Roves to clear his mind and draw inspiration from, was a fitting title choice. Poised and reflective, the record was made for the small hours.

The songwriter and self-producer experienced a meteoric rise to success since his first performance under the name Aeris Roves: “As an artist, I always felt like there was something other inside apart from myself. The first time I showcased Aeris Roves at a performance, I met the people who would push me forward. There were only six months between that show and signing my first publishing deal. When I got off stage and listened to the feedback, it made me believe in myself.”

It wouldn’t be long until Roves caught the eye of trans-Atlantic prodigy Billie Eilish. They are each other’s sonic mirror image, where sparsity accentuates the richness of their vocals. Eilish invited Roves to support her on her European tour. “That was very eye-opening.” Roves tells me. “We did that tour in February, and at that time she had something like 700,000 followers – now she has over 7 million, to give some perspective. I had a privileged level of access, seeing how people like Billie worked and the reactions she got – not to mention everyone around her. You don’t normally get to see that. Beyond that, it was an incredible experience. Touring Europe was something I’d always dreamed of, and for that to be my first tour… I can’t really describe it, to be honest.”

For his first tour to scale from Milan to Oslo and everywhere in between, it would be unsurprising that Roves found it hard to adjust to. “Finding that adrenalin to go every night is quite difficult sometimes.” He admits. “I do feel like the difficulties you find on tour are overlooked – even when it comes to something as simple as eating. I try to stay normal as possible: I don’t see the show as something that I’m working towards, but something I just go up and do without thinking too much about it. It doesn’t create something that can disturb your mind or your flow. I know a lot of people like to get in the zone for a show, but I take in my stride and reflect on it afterwards.” 

Though he moved from his native home of South Yorkshire when he was but eleven, Roves found his musical home in Greenwich, London. “I don’t think I would have the same level of success if I was living anywhere else,” He confessed to me. “though that wouldn’t be through a lack of ambition. I would have found success in something - but be that in music - I don’t know. When I was younger, I played a lot of sports at quite a high level. It took one event when I decided I wasn’t going to play anymore, and that’s when I really picked up music. I was always really into music, but if I hadn’t ended up in London there’s no way I would have had access to the infrastructure there is for musicians in this city. It probably wouldn’t have been the same, if I’m honest with myself – but it wouldn’t stop me trying.”

“I see success clearly.” Roves answers immediately, when he’s asked to define where success begins. “I think the thing that makes me unique when it comes to the industry is that I don’t have one set goal. I just want to keep going until I can’t go anymore. Signing my record deal, putting out my first project: for me, they’re all successes. I would feel more and more privileged the more I keep going. It’s difficult to do that.” He decides: “Just to keep going is, in itself, a success to me.”

What sets Roves apart from the rest is the fact that the direction his music takes is firmly in his control. Writing, as well as often producing his own material, stays true to the personal nature behind his work. “[My process] changes a lot of the time. When it came to ‘3AM’, if you listen carefully, you can hear a vocal drop. It started with that. Whereas songs like ‘No Guarantee’ and ‘Best Dressed Man’ began with laying down an instrumental and writing lyrics to put over them. I don’t like anything to be too rigid or structured.”

When it comes to escaping a formula that singer/songwriters can fall into, Roves simply says that when it comes to his work, “Whatever will be, will be. Whenever I’m self-producing, or whenever I’m writing, I never set out wanting it to sound a particular way. Sometimes people will say, ‘No, this is too far gone - it’s not going to work’. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I don’t. It can be a case of trying different versions of the same track and choosing the one that I’m attracted to most.”

Beyond excursions to Greenwich’s Island Gardens, Roves draws inspiration from the most unlikely of places. He recalls, “Last night, I was reading a magazine and there was a guy talking about protecting nuclear waste. There’s so much, lyrically, you could take from something like that. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about nuclear waste – it can be the whole process of protecting something. Magazines are cool because they’re visual and textual at the same time.” But like many, he is just as inspired by the commonplace: “Of course, I love to listen to music, but the only problem with that is sometimes it’s hard not to emulate it. But when I feel most inspired is when I talk to people, drawing things from conversations.”

“I would love to say I haven’t faced many challenges, but there have been lots.” Roves tells me. This might come as a surprise, as someone who seems to have had success play into his hands so easily. “Something I struggle with is motivation. I absolutely love my job, but it is tiring because it’s not just physically, but mentally, draining. Of course, I have my personal problems as well. It’s all about trying to separate them and put them to one side when I’m trying to be creative. Sometimes, I just try to incorporate these things into my work. When my thoughts start to spiral and I become really negative, I have to remind myself to be positive and keep moving forward. I try to focus on the days that make it worth it. I do really enjoy what I do, and as long as I enjoy it and as long as I’m hungry, I feel like I’ll be alright.”

Moon by Island Gardens is Roves’ statement of intent. “I’ve only expressed a tiny part of what I want to say on that project.” He says, his voice picking up with drive and determination. “In fact, I’m sat at my station now just working, trying to decide what I want to say next. I feel like I’m only just getting started.”

“There won’t be a new direction, as much as there will be an extension of what I’ve done so far. I don’t intend to reinvent myself. My music is very personal to me, so it’s more about self-discovery: about myself, what I do, and the people around me. That,” he promises, is what will go into the music.”

[awellboiledicicle]

I had a Fallout 4 dream last night.

I was the sole survivor, as I usually am when i dream about being in that game, but I had appearantly been signed up for... some form of testing.  To keep my family fed.  Because Nate, my Nate, was injured in a battle up around Anchorage. Not the battle of Anchorage, not something big that would have gotten a medal-- though the purple heart sat on the dresser-- but a smaller one involving personnel carriers and stealth battalians and a strain of the plague that the government swore he’d been cleared of. He still coughed at night and I tried to ignore the same sort of coughing coming from Shaun, even though the doctors said he was fine. Nate couldn’t work, though, and even if he could-- there was nowhere to work.  My job at the law firm was secretarial and barely necessary-- my degree got me there by the skin of my teeth, but everything from bread to house payments was expensive. Even with his pay and oh lord was everything up in price from either inflation or scarcity. The rations and... pre-war was a mess. But the testing, the letter was detailed: a company commissioned by the military was going to need civilian test subjects for a series of tests and volunteers would be paid well. I was chosen because of my medical history and my name being in the military files. I should have smelled something off there, but we were desperate; even cutting out all the chems we’d been using to keep ourselves together wasn’t making ends meet enough for Shaun and we knew it. So i went.

They didn’t do too much, I thought, past making me very durable.  In the way that Wolverine is very durable or Deadpool is particularly persistent about healing. I was never willing to test if i was on that sort of level, but that was the idea of it. Sunlight made it better-- nothing they did to me lasted to the end of the day, and bones never broke. And i came home with enough money to feed everyone. I only told Nate i had found a second job, and he took to being more of a Mr. Mom than usual-- though i think he was saddened i refused to say what it was.  I think he may have died under the impression i was being unfaithful. I had that thought a lot.

By the time we went into the vault, I was probably horrifying internally. We had started on what would fit in the “Ghoulish” and “Rad Resistant” perk stack-- radiation absorption and use. I felt sick a good deal of the time at first, and then processed it. The day the bombs dropped i wondered if it was because the enemy had found out we’d gotten far enough in our research that vulnerability could be treated out.  “The Enemy”. It was silly, then, to imagine there were sides to the Great War. There were just bombs and humanity. Death and the poor creatures trying not to die. But i had been raised in a hailstorm of propaganda and demanded devotion to the American Way and i had been devoting my body and health to improving.. well, i assumed my research would go to our soldiers. People like my Nate.  Silly. We ran to the vault, and i swear I almost outpaced them. I almost left them behind-- if only because of fear and adrenaline covering my awareness. I hung back and made sure they were there and then i swear I almost steam rolled a man in full power armor. I didn’t care, we needed in. We got in, but i was determined and i was scared and we needed to move.  The clouds were brighter than they taught us they’d be in school. The wind was hotter too. I could smell burning atmosphere.  My eyes burned with the image of a mushroom cloud all the way inside the vault. The cloud stayed as we changed and got into the chambers. It outlined Nate and Shaun as the doors froze over. It faded only because of the decades passed in near darkness, frozen, before I saw Kellog kill my husband and take my child. I punched the door and left a dent.  The last light of it was gone as i eventually slumped to the floor.

Things were very awkward in the commonwealth for me.  I was mostly angry.  I went wandering from Sanctuary, found Dogmeat and took the killed molerats to the Abernathy’s farm and traded them for a place to stay and felt their pain for their lost daughter. I figured the station was on the way to Concord, and i was still fantastically angry some bald motherfucker stole my child and killed my husband, so ok. So, I killed the raiders. With a knife.  I heard shots echoing from Concord as i was walking the road back, and Dogmeat barked, so I went that way and saw more raiders. I only noticed the laser after I had stabbed them all. Well, all i could find.  I only half heard Preston telling me to get the musket, i was already heading inside. I... was very angry for a while. Very angry.  By the time i reached them, i was covered in blood and tired, but wondering if they were ok. They were understandably worried. I calmed their fears with molerat steaks. Dogmeat helped more than the food.

I got them to Sanctuary eventually, setting up trade with the Abernathy’s and getting things settled. The only problem was i tended to get very vigorously upset when my past was brought up.  Mama Murphey was standing outside my house in Sanctuary and started doing her sight talk and i lit it on fire with the flare gun and yelled for her to stop. I patently refused to be known.  Preston understood, i think, to the point of me being uncomfortable. There was evidence of people living there and having been killed in a stand off, so he and the others put it down to Mama Murphey pressing me about being a survivor of this.  I did help them rebuild and there was a good community, i just.. needed my space. So i ended up slowly making a whole new house on the burned foundation of my old one. Just, adding and adding and adding. No one bothering me as i wandered.  I took to scrapping in the area and selling said things to Carla as she came by, but eventually there were too many people. So i took to looking around.

I ended up-- there was a gap in the dream-- being hired by someone from Bunker Hill to go through the ruins and find niche old world shit. Because collectors like old shit and i had appearantly, an eye for it. My collecting was also bankrolling the minute men coming back because i was making Preston do it-- i told him if i had to, i would tell someone to get fucked at least 5 times because i have the patience of a radstag and that isn’t a leader thing-- but i was paying for the guns and ammo.  So my job was crawling around boston. So i went looking for someone to go around with me and I ended up in goodneighbor and that one guy, What’shisfuck, tried to extort me and i just. Stared at him before trying to walk past because i had shit to do and he tried to fight me and i punched him in the dick. Like, literally just, right to the dick.  And it killed him. I just stood there till Hancock came up and i just.  “You know, usually i have to stab people.” “Same, actually. Damn.”

So, aside that.

I get me my merc, aka Maccreedy because that’s who you need obviously when you’re going to be climbing things. The guy who can’t climb for shit. But like, because i tended to have these rather explosive “DON’T” reactions or otherwise i did reckless shit because i literally would survive it he got so pissed at me so much. Like we got along, and he liked working for me because i’d give him guns and money and made sure he was ok, i just did stupid shit.

Like “do not rush tHE SUPER MUTANTS-- BOSS FF NO” “THAT IS A BEHEMOTH” Or it’d be like 3am and we’re ass deep in ghoul infested ruins and i’ll just suggest we sleep in one area that’s only accessible by a tiny ledge that we got to through teamwork and a prayer and like OK IT’S TECHNICALLY SAFE but he’s not gonna do it. bc he’s him, but he’s not shared shit with me bc i don’t share shit with him. So its “i’m not sleeping in ghoul hell” “idk its got carpet and a pillow” “no” “safe tho” “no”

Well till we’d been working together about like 6 months and he started getting REALLY fidgety after getting letters at Daisy’s in Goodneighbor and like, we’d already dealt with the Gunners. Gunners was a cut an dry business discussion of ‘these guys are dicks lets kill them’.  Then we’re sitting in the Third Rail’s back room, thinking on the next buildings to go over and he’s like “So, btw” “what” “I have a.. i didn’t tell you but i have a kid” “you have a WHAT? WHERE” “In the Capitol Wasteland.” That whole convo but a lot more intense because i got about 4 inches from this man like ‘explain’ and then hugged the life out of him. Immediately. And got my shit together and told him to do the same so we could get going and he was surprised i was so hype and i went “yes? Child, in danger. let’s go”

It got fuzzy after doing his mission but like...... the only companion aside Codsworth to know my story in this dream was Mac because after we got Duncan the cure, Mac made the comment about bringing him North to one of the settlements up here since I was running them, i just didn’t talk to people personally. And i did so very well, i just wasn’t people focused. And I got really emotional at him and started crying and he asked what was wrong and i said i couldn’t be trusted to keep a kid safe and he asked what i meant and i like told him everything and like his whole response was “Damn”.

But like to everyone else in the Commonwealth i was this rather badass community planner/scavver that got into things and stabbed stuff because they were REALLY HARD TO KILL, but to Mac i was friendly neighborhood mom that was just really afraid someone would give me responsibility over someone i might let get hurt.

it was an interesting dream

[kurrentkorruption]

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAW EXO AND BSB IN THE SAME WEEK

I mentioned a while ago that I was going to see EXO in LA, and I am finally home and rested enough to actually detail my boy band vacation. I didn’t just see EXO - I also went to Las Vegas to see the Backstreet Boys at the Axis Theater in Planet Hollywood. I’m putting this on this blog because this is a story of kpop... eventually. Anyway, behind the cut is the full of it.

My tale actually starts on Sunday, April 23rd, when I woke up with part of my rear upper-right molar being inexplicably gone. It was there when I went to bed, and when I woke up, it was gone. It was gone between the gum line and the middle of the tooth, working transversely from the dorsal portion of the tooth to the ventral side. The enamel and a good amount of the dentine was missing, but thankfully the pulp was in tact, leaving the nerves unexposed. However, it but my breakfast short, because upon noticing that my tooth was missing a chunk of it, I stopped eating and immediately had to find an emergency dentist, because no normal dentist is going to be open at 9am on a Sunday. Anyway, six hours and two fillings later (my initial filling fell out not 15 minutes after it had been placed, so I had to get a revision), my tooth was finally okay. This wasn’t really how I wanted to start my boy band week, especially since it meant that I had to be careful with everything that I ate from that point on. (I stopped being careful the more that fatigue and sleep deprivation settled in.)

The next day, I dropped off my dog at the dogsitter and obtained money and made final preparations for the trip. The dogsitter is on the other side of the city. She’s a coworker and she’s really nice. Anyway, Walter the Yorkie got to spend time with his chocolate lab friend named Paige. He was tuckered out when I picked him up yesterday, so I know he had fun!

After dropping the little dog off with the dogsitter, I got a message from my brother saying that we were going to be taking a different flight to Las Vegas on Tuesday. What I haven’t mentioned yet is that we (my family and myself) fly on stand-by because my mother used to work for United; we have flight benefits, but calling them a benefit is a stretch when it really means that we almost never get to go on the flights that we want. In fact, our history with getting seats on planes is so terrible that in order for me (and my dad) to get to Los Angeles from Las Vegas in time for the EXO concert, we had to buy an actual seat on a a different airline in order to ensure that I wouldn’t be late for the concert. What the message from my twin brother meant was that our early morning flight wasn’t looking good for seats that we could obtain, so we needed to go on a different flight. This meant one good thing, however: I could sleep in on Tuesday.

Tuesday arrived and my brother and I got hot dogs for lunch then drove to the Indianapolis airport. The rest of the day was us being trapped in Houston because every flight was overbooked. We didn’t get out of Houston until after 10pm, arriving in Las Vegas very late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. The whole reason we were going to Las Vegas in the first place wasn’t even for me to see BSB, but because it was my dad’s birthday. BSB was something we were planning after planning to go to LV for his birthday. His birthday was Tuesday. His entire 60th birthday was him being on planes and trapped in airports. I felt really bad for him. :(

Wednesday was the day of the BSB concert. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but three weeks prior to us going on this vacation, my mother fell in the shower and broke her back. More specifically, she fractured 4 ribs on her left side and had a compression fracture at the T12 level. She’s been in pain for weeks. Because of this, we ended up letting her stay at the hotel on Wednesday while my dad, my brother, and I walked along the Strip and tried our best to figure out the most convenient and simple way for me and my mom to get to and from the BSB concert without my mom injuring herself further or becoming too worn out. Ever since I was little, my mom has come with me to every BSB concert I have ever gone to. She loves BSB just as much as I do; before she broke her back, the BSB concert tickets were a birthday gift for me from her. She didn’t know she was going to injure herself like that. It was meant to be a mother-daughter bonding time while my brother and dad bonded in the casinos.

We eventually found a simple enough route to take so that mom wouldn’t be in too much pain, and we headed back to the hotel. My dad hadn’t anticipated mom’s injury, so we stayed two blocks off the Strip, which made everything Very Difficult. We ended up buying bus passes to mitigate some of the long stretches that would exacerbate my mom’s pain reactions. It’s not like she doesn’t have medication, but she was prescribed opiates and we all fear that she’ll become addicted if she takes too many. The drugs that aren’t opiates do very little to help her pain, so we have to be careful so that her pain doesn’t flare up enough to necessitate taking the opiates.

That night, we all did our long journey to Planet Hollywood, coursing through casinos and hotels, stopping every few minutes to let my mom rest, before we arrived at the Miracle Mile Mall and the Axis Theater. We had eaten dinner as a family and parted abruptly as a heaving throng of women lined up to see their idols. We were shoved into a line and ushered quickly into the theater, we bought some merch (I bought a cute grey-and-purple raglan for myself and bought my mom a black t-shirt) and made it to our seats with time to spare.

The concert was SO INCREDIBLY GOOD!! It started with a beautiful VCR compilation of clips going chronologically from BSB’s beginnings to now, with remixes of all of their popular songs woven together. It was wonderful! Then the concert started and the boys came down from the ceiling in light-up boxes with images of their faces on them and they sang Larger Than Life! They danced as strongly as they did when I first say them when I was a young teenager, doing moves that I thought were only reserved for the most hardcore of modern kpop groups. Their choreography is so tight that you can’t even tell that they’re middle aged! (I dare say that their dancing was even more slick than EXO’s, and Howie was dancing with an injured knee!) All in all, I was incredibly impressed and enjoyed every single minute of it! My poor mom had to sit down a lot through it, which was okay during the VCR and ment portions. The only complaint was that there were two tall men in front of us that impeded our views a lot of the time; also, there were two incredibly drunk people in the row in front of us who were bothering EVERYONE around them. Other than that, it was a fantastic show!

The next day, we were tired. Not from the concert, but from dad barging into the room at 3am to tell us some ridiculous story despite how we all wanted to just go to sleep. In the morning, he insisted that it was mom who wanted him to tell the story and keep us all awake, but as we were ALL AWAKE, we told him that he never gave us the option of hearing the story in the morning because he just went into in without regard for our sleep cycles. He later said that he regretted that entire night.

(I’m not telling this from my dad’s perspective because he makes it far more innocent that what context clues would actually tell you. The story was that he, being far too nice of a person, basically intervened in what was going to be some lady and some dude going to a hotel on the strip to have a one-night stand. The lady had never gone to the Strip before and the dude who was big-time flirting with her was offering to take her to the Strip and see some of the big hotels and then they could eat and stay at one of them overnight. My dad barged in and wanted to tag along since he was on a machine near them. The dude didn’t want my dad to go, and the lady didn’t seem too keen on dad coming either, but he tagged along. The dude ended up leaving halfway through their expedition after realizing that the lady was no longer wanting to have sex with him, they got into an argument, and the dude left the lady with his food bill, as they were eating at some restaurant in Bally’s, I think? It’s all very confusing. Anyway, so the lady is pissed because now she’s stuck away from her hotel with my dad, so dad foot’s the bill for the lady and the dude who stiffed them, and they return to our shitty hotel two blocks from the Strip. Then dad comes back to our room to tell us this story. He’s clearly drunk and had apparently lost $100 in the casino before he even gone on his weird little journey, so we all just wanted him to go to bed and shut up, but no, he does the opposite. Because he’s drunk. From that point forward, I get no more sleep until Saturday night.)

My dad is a gambler, so my brother and I have been going to Las Vegas with our family since we were 7 years old. However, in all of that time, I had never gone to Fremont Street. I knew it existed, but it never actually interested me. So my dad got the idea that we’ll just let mom rest while we all trekked up north to Fremont Street, just so I could say that I visited it. It was a long bus ride to Fremont Street and it wasn’t even that cool. Granted, it was the middle of the day and all the lights come on at night, but it looked seedy. I’m used to seeing the panhandlers and homeless people on the Strip, but there were even more on Fremont Street, which is a smaller and more condensed area of space. It’s barely two blocks and it was filled with them. We spent about half an hour there, most of that time being dedicated to all of us going to the bathroom at one of the hotels. The only good that came of it was that while I was waiting for my twin to come out of the bathroom, I won $20 off one of the machines.

That evening, my twin brother being the awesome brother that he is, obtained tickets to see the Cirque du Soleil show O at the Bellagio. He bought three tickets, one for me, our mom, and himself. Dad gambled while we were watching the show. We chose that show because it was short and would get us back to the hotel in time to sleep before we all caught planes in the early morning. O is a beautiful show and I highly recommend it! Honestly, every Cirque du Soleil show that I’ve seen in Las Vegas has been really good, so go and see all of them; they’re all different and wonderful!

The next day, Friday morning AKA the day of the EXO’rDIUM concert, we all woke up at 2am so we could get ready to leave the hotel at 3:30am so we could catch our planes at 5:30am. Mom and my brother were going to Florida (my parents live in Florida because they are retired), mainly so that my brother could help my mom with her luggage due to her back injury. Dad and I caught a plane to LAX so that I could go to see EXO. I told you this would eventually lead to kpop. By 8am we were safely in LA and had acquired a car and we lived in that car all day. We set up shop in the parking lot of a CVS that was near the EXO-L Fan Cafe in LA. We ate Mexican food for every meal and did our best to just relax. It was hard. I was monitoring where to obtain pre-ordered fangoods and basically using the Fan Cafe as a glorified bathroom. I had arrived too early and they stamped my hand, which meant that I could freely enter and exit the cafe as often as I wanted. Since I had no access to a house or a hotel, it was the next best thing. I napped for maybe a max of 2 hours before the concert, excluding the half hour nap I took on the plane. My last meal was at 5pm and I wouldn’t eat again until 1pm Sunday afternoon, nearly 44 hours after my last meal on the day of the concert. At this point, I had gotten maybe 8 hours of sleep within the last three days, so this day was going to be hell. I was afraid that I would be too tired to fully enjoy the concert.

This fear was unfounded. Yes, I was INCREDIBLY TIRED, but I still enjoyed the concert. In fact, my only issue was with how poorly managed everything was up until the boys came out on stage. MMT is a terrible company and should really stop managing EXO when they come over here. The Fan Cafe was also poorly managed, but I think that was mainly because they were understaffed volunteers who had obtained a venue that was far too small for the crowd that visited it. I was grateful to have the stamp on my hand, otherwise I would have been standing in a big, long line forever. I even got to eat some of the cake they had made up for Baekhyun’s birthday! However, they ran out of water quickly and they had no other food beyond the cake and some cupcakes. But, again, those were volunteers. What was happening at the actual Forum was a mess that an actual management company had created. I had a seat, so I wasn’t deeply involved in the mess on the ground, but from what I heard from fellow concert goers, it was stupid. Plus, fans in GA kept rushing the stage so much that Suho had to chastise them THREE TIMES. It was so dumb.

The concert itself, though, was AWESOME!! I own the EXO’rDIUM in Japan DVD, so I had already seen most of the show and knew what was coming, but it didn’t spoil anything. Suho’s English was REALLY GOOD! Minseok, my man, he was out there killing fangirls left and right! My only complaint there is that no one ever really cheered for him when he was highlighted. :< Chanyeol and Sehun got most of the cheering, followed closely by Kai and Baekhyun. Meanwhile, no one else got as much noise from the audience. I tried my hardest to scream Xiumin’s name really loudly, since I was in the second row near the center, but I don’t know if he heard me. I was really tired and didn’t even know if my voice was working at that point. (I had screamed a whole lot at the BSB concert to the point where by voice was nearly gone on Thursday, so I wasn’t really recovered enough to take on screaming Xiumin’s name all Friday night.) Minseok was really energetic, too, even though he was clearly exhausted from having just come in from Mexico. He was putting his all into Artificial Love and White Noise, and being extra cute the rest of the time, waving his arms and body around like he wasn’t tired at all (even though it was evident in his face). They were all really tired. Kai even said that he was tired but putting all of his energy into making the show great, and he really did! As I’ve said before, I like Kai a lot but I don’t really broadcast it, and seeing him live definitely solidified that love for me. He was so sexy and slick up on that stage! At one point, D.O. started singing a song from La La Land and Suho did a little of the tap dance from it, and later on Baekhyun sang a crooner classic. It was very nice! Everyone did their best with English and Suho promised to bring their next concert here! I’m sure you can find a lot of fan accounts of such things, like how Suho said they needed to be careful about the pronunciation of the word “beaches” and how D.O. expressed a fondness for hotdogs and Chanyeol being “crazy” near the end of the concert and the whole “tiny hands and foot” thing. Some of it was a little too LA-centric for a Midwest girl like myself to understand, but they were so cute that I didn’t really care!

After the concert, I found my dad and we drove off to drop the car off at the rental place then book it to LAX so we would catch a 1am flight to Houston. Our plans changed the moment we got there, as our flight was overbooked and there was no way we were going to get on the plane. Thankfully, there was a nearby midnight flight to Chicago that had a few seats left, so we convinced the desk staff to let us on and we got on just as the doors were closing. I slept the whole flight to O’Hare. We arrived at about 9am and rushed to our connection that would take us back to Indy. We finally arrived at the Hoosier State by around 10am. We rested while waiting for my brother to return from Florida. He finally showed up around 2pm, and by that point dad and I had eaten some nachos from the Qdoba in the airport food court and that was it. After we met up with my brother, AKA the guy whose car I had come to the airport in on Tuesday, we drove back to my house and I hit my bed hard by 4pm.

I slept until noon-ish on Sunday, I finally ate food by 1pm, and picked up Walter from the dogsitter by 2pm. I haven’t left the house since. I’m so glad that I took today off. I was still tired and achy yesterday. All in all, it was a good trip, even if it was extremely tiring.

[adambstingus]

33 People Confess The Shittiest Thing They’ve Ever Done

Found on AskReddit.

1. I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

When I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

2. THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

Learning guitar from uncle. Can’t do it. He said something like, Its easy, come on, you can do it!

Cue: THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

I mean fuck if any of you can top that I will be surprised; I was a little shit. Aunt ended up dying of cancer by the way.

3. Can you wait until you get home to start crying?

The other day my friend was in my car and said, I feel like I’m about to start crying. My immediate response was, Okaywell, can you wait until you get home to do that?

4. Stirred a coworkers drink with my dick.

I was pissed at a coworker who kept pushing her religion on me and I retaliated by stirring her drink with my dick after she had left it unattended. It was a silent victory for me. I look back on it and know that I’m a horrible human being for what I’ve done.

5. I intentionally broke a girls crayons while she cried.

When I was in 1st grade, I accidentally stepped on and broke a crayon this girl had while she was coloring on the ground. She started crying a lot about her broken crayon, so I looked her dead in the eyes and said I can’t be friends with sissy’s who cry over crayons. I then proceeded to intentionally step on and break the rest of her crayons.

6. Saw a man bleeding on the roadside and kept driving.

I was driving my ex home from the movies, and we chanced across a wreck on the roadside. The driver’s head was lolled on his shoulder, openly bleeding and obviously in need of assistance. My ex kept insisting, Keep driving. Someone will help him.

I feel like shit that I let her run me like that; I can’t believe I wasn’t the one to help him.

7. I made a Holocaust joke to a Jewish girl.

We were watching a doc about the Holocaust in journalism class (?)I was sitting behind a Jewish girl and right after they bulldozed a pile of dead bodies into a ditch I asked her if she recognized anyone on the screen.

As soon as it came out, I was horrified. we both participated in off-color inappropriate joking before, but this was next-level.

What a shitty thing to say. Im still ashamed.

8. I yelled at my grandfather and he died before I got a chance to say Im sorry.

I once yelled at my grandfather because he didn’t allow me to go over to a friends house because it was almost lunch time. He died before I got a chance to say sorry, gonna live with that for the rest of my life.

9. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Sitting at a table with friends at college when a girl and her friend join us cause she knew one of my friends. Girl’s a real jerk to everyone. She hones in on my good friend who is insecure. Nervous laughter from everyone so she goes harder.

I stop her and, half-jokingly say, wow, good one. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on? (She was seriously flat as a board)

Girl stands up crying and runs out of the building. Turn to everyone cause no idea how that should be the reaction.

Friends tell me, She had breast cancer when she was 16 and had to have them removed. Only happened a few years ago.

Nice.

10. Threw sand in a kid’s face.

Threw sand in a kid’s face once. We were playing in the sandbox and I was trying to demonstrate that it exploded so I threw a bunch of sand in the air. 97% of it went right into his face. I was an adult.

12. I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it.

I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it. It happened a few months ago and I keep replaying it in my head, wishing I’d done something.

13. Emily, Im sorry.

When I was around 15 I met a girl online and we quickly fell in love, as hormonal teenagers are prone to do. Her parents went away during the school summer break, leaving her home alone for a while and she invited me to come and stay with her as our first face-to-face meeting.

I took the train down to where she lived but on arrival my heart sank. Even though I’d seen pictures of her, she didn’t really resemble the image my love-struck 15-year-old mind had built up. Mutual awkwardness and disappointment became the theme of our first day together so much so that I decided that, not only was I going to go back home the very next day (I think I was supposed to stay for a whole week) but I didn’t want to see or speak to her again.

Just before I left I crept into her room and erased my number from her phone. Then it occurred to me that she had an inbox full of text messages from my number so I had to re-creep into her room and stealthily delete all of those, thus ‘deleting’ myself from her life.

I left and never heard from her again (although she did have my email address). That was about 17 years ago and I still feel very shitty about what I did.

Emily, I’m sorry.

14. Convinced a girl to blow me, them made her take the bus home.

Late, at party for my birthday, managed to chat a cute girl into blowing me. Was too drunk/tired/high on myself after to get her home properly so I made her take the bus. Not a heartbreaking moment but a real ass move.

15. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Hooked up with a coworker at her house after a party. After we had finished she asked me to stay and cuddle, obviously douchebag didn’t wanna stay and cuddle. I had made up my mind to walk home shitfaced at 3am. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Cue next day rolling around and at work I ask where she is and my boss tells me that she is spreading her mom’s ashes back in her home state and she was taking a few days off. That’s when I knew I was a real piece of shit.

Bonus points, she survived cancer a few months later.

16. I purposely smudged an old lady janitors mopping job.

Probs around age ten I was this piece of shit edgelord.Flash-forward to me in a McDonalds. Old janitor lady is mopping the floor. What does shitty ten-year-old me do? Walk across the mop trail and swish my feet to intentionally smudge it.

Gods I can barely think about it. Not even because I’m pissed or ashamed at myself but because of just that was, be it myself doing it or anyone else. This was probably an old lady barely able to make ends meet, trying to do whatever job she could…probably never wanted to hurt a soul. Then comes along some shitty rich kid who does something completely fucking douchey like ruin a mop job. Sure, not the most monstrous thing at face value, but put all of what I just said together and…fucking hell. That is dickish. I feel bad about it to this day; even writing about it is hard.

17. I refused help to a man who needed it.

I was walking out of a 7-11 gas station a couple of blocks from my apartment building late at night (no one else was there). An old, run down car pulled in and the driver rolled down the window and called over to me. He was clearly very upset and looked like he’d been crying. He told me he just found out his daughter had been in an accident and had been airlifted to a hospital about an hour away. He was trying to get there, but he was almost out of gas and didn’t have any money on him. He pleaded with me for anything I could spare. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me, and I went on my way.

That was a lie. I had plenty of cash on me, and regardless I had my cards on me with which I could’ve bought him some gas. I got about halfway home, thought about what I’d just done, and went back, but he was already gone. I went home where my friends were drinking, and I just sat on the couch and didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the night.

What the hell was wrong with me? Was I so jaded from living in a big city with panhandlers regularly asking for money that I couldn’t recognize when someone might genuinely need my help? The emotion on that man’s face was real, as was the pain in his voice. I don’t think I’ll forget the desperate please! as long as I live. Was it really that big of a risk to give this guy $20? Would that loss to me if he was some Broadway-class con man really be that bad when weighed against the possibility that I just let down a father going through the worst moment of his life?

What if his daughter didn’t make it, and he didn’t get to see her before she passed because some cynical asshole at the gas station couldn’t spare a few dollars? I hope that wasn’t the case, that his daughter was fine, and that someone with more compassion was able to help him…or better yet, that there was no accident and he was playing me. Thinking about the alternative has kept me awake at night on multiple occasions.

Ever since then I have tried to keep a more open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt, so that the next time I’m in a position to help someone who needs me, I won’t fail them.

I don’t think the guy wanted money for drugs. Anyone who works with drug addicts like I do would know that a true addict wouldn’t have any car, no matter how crap, that could be sold for even a few bucks that could get them another fix. Also, my neighborhood wasn’t anywhere near the drug corners, and he didn’t have the physical indicators.

18. Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. He died four days later

Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. I had two vacation days from work which I used to visit someone I had been dating for a month on Thursday and Friday. Then at my parents place for the holiday and back to work the next week. My grandfather passed away on 29th of December last year. I’m a real piece of shit.

I made damn sure to drive the some 220km to leave a candle for him at a veteran memorial stone on New Year’s Eve. At the town he had lived for his whole life.

19. Told my mom I wanted to name my kid after my dad.

Was having a chat with my brother, sister, and mother about names for kids. promptly say that I don’t like the idea of naming my kid after a family member but if I did it would be my fathers name. At the end of this rambling, mildly insulting speech I look straight at my mom and say because I love Dad. Immediately realized that implied that I didn’t love my mother enough to name my kids after her. I tried retracing my steps and covering up my mistake, she laughed and joked about it, but her face showed that she was pretty hurt. Broke my heart that I could be that careless, that woman’s done nothing but good for me.

20. Told my host he looked like Butt-head.

Hung out with the host of a New Years party for a bit. Drank some of his beer and said, hey you kinda look like Butt-head from that show. He said he gets it a lot.

21. I kicked a girl out of my house after some lackluster sex.

I had a girl come over for some extracurricular activities. She was drinking and assumed she was staying the night. After we had very lackluster sex I went down stairs smoked a bowl, walked back upstairs and kicked her out of my house. Definitely an ass move.

22. My friend was counting change, so I knocked all his coins on the ground.

A friend of mine was counting his change on the entrance of our work. We were about to clock in when I asked him What you got there? He shows me with his hand open and I just tapped it from the bottom, all his coins fell on the floor with all the people passing by.

I laughed and left, felt pretty shitty after but when I went to apologize he laughed it off and said he’ll get me next time.

23. Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

After graduating college I spent the summer backpacking around the world. It was the most amazing thing I had ever done; I was kind of shy before but the experience gave me a new-found confidence. Once I was back home I was a hit at bars regaling new friends with stories and was finally successful with attracting the opposite sex. I was having the time of my life.

While I was gone by best friend’s boyfriend overdosed and died at Bonnaroo. A little back story we became friends because she put me back together after a breakup. Stayed with me and cooked for me, but did I return the favor when I came home… no :/

I was too busy having the time of my life. Shortly after I got home she crashed her car and got a DUI. She was in a downward spiral and I ignored her. We were working a shift together after that and I, still in euphoria from the night before, said to her I can’t believe how my life keeps getting better and better and yours just gets worse.

I didn’t realize what I had said until months later. It’s been years and I still think back on that moment. I could have been there for her but I was just a selfish piece of shit.

tldr: Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

24. Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I��d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I’d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

25. I wanted to meet a gay guy so I could make fun of him.

I was very sheltered as a kid. I went to a private Christian elementary and middle school with 16 people in my 8 the grade class. When I was in 9th grade, I went to my first public school. No one knew me, so I felt like I had to be cool.

One day a friend of mine mentioned that her cousin was gay. I had never met a gay person before. I was genuinely curious if he was just as they appear on TV. So I asked her who he was, wanting to get the chance to meet him. She asked why I wanted to know who he was. Trying to be cool and not like I was genuinely curious, I replied, so I can make fun of him.

The girl sitting in front of me who I had never heard say a word, just turned around and said you’re a dick. It was the first and last thing she ever said to me.

I’ve never felt like more of a piece of shit in my life than that moment.

26. I gave a girl her first kiss as part of a bet.

I started a bet with a friend in middle school that we could get this wholesome straightedge girl to kiss one of us. I won the bet at a super romantic moment at a friend’s pool party by a roaring fire but had no real feelings for the girl. A little while later her friend told me that was her first kiss and she really liked me and was heartbroken when she found out about the bet. She has to live her whole life with that as her first kiss. I’m friends with her on FB and 15 years later she is absolutely beautiful and I still feel awful.

27. I threw a brick over my backyard fence and hit a kid in the head.

I threw a brick over my backyard fence just cause, and actually hit a kid in the head. It was a pretty bad cut. When his parents and my mom came out I just pointed at my brother and he got the ass whoopin’ of a life time. I was like 6.

28. Ran over a birdtwice.

Was driving on a winding road on my way to a job on the countryside when I hit a bird with the car. Stopped the car briefly and saw in my rear-view that it was flapping around until it just sat still in the middle of the road, probably trying to recover from the beating it had taken. I considered stepping out of my car and move the poor bird to the side of the road so it wouldn’t get hit by another car but remembered that flock-living birds can get “expelled” by their flock if they carry an unknown scent. I also figured that this was far off in the countryside in Sweden, and the likelihood of another car passing by anytime soon was close to none.

I was on my way back home about an hour and a half later. My meeting with the client had been a huge success so I was in a great mood, singing to the radio and was probably driving a bit over the limit. I drove up a small crest and on the other side was the same fucking bird sitting in the middle of the road exactly where I left it, I had totally forgotten about it! It was turned towards me and I swear it looked me straight in the eyes, silently cursing at me in its chirpy bird-language as I inevitably drove straight over it for the second time…

Once again I could see the bird being slammed to the asphalt numerous times in my rearview-mirror before disappearing down the slope into the woods.

I’m entirely convinced this bird will dedicate his afterlife to haunting me from the other side for the rest of my life…

29. Girlfriends mom tried killing herself, so I went home to drink.

Was watching with my then girlfriend. Lots of bad things happened that night that we were unaware of, and in the end her dad stormed into our room shouting get upstairs now and call 999. Her mum tried to commit suicide by an overdose on something I’m not aware of. Her mum/dad goes off in the ambulance and my ex is hysterical, crying panicking etc. My uncle at the time also tried to hang himself a few nights previous…. I used this as an excuse to leave my ex for the night, go home and get drunk. I will never forget the tears I left my ex in, while I went home to drink.

30. Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection.

Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection and have it amputated or if she didn’t go hospital it would spread and lose her arm. She started crying, called her mum, and went to hospital.

31. I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them.

I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them. A decade of regret and lost friendships is the result.

32. Told a suicidal girl to go kill herself.

Met a girl through and online game that was a legitimate train wreck. Sending nudes to basically everyone at the age of 12, smoked and drank on the daily at 13 or 14, did coke and speed at 15. Girl was a major bitch and a manipulator to basically everyone, and had no one who cared about her as a result. I tried being the first.

As I said, she ended up being a massive manipulator and one of the only people I’ve ever branded as irredeemable. Checked in on her some years later, and asked her how she’s been. Said she was probably gonna kill herself, to which I replied Yeah, you go do that, and then blocked her.

Is that fucked-up? Yeah. Do I care if she actually killed herself? Can’t say that I do.

33. Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason.

Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason at all when I was like 9 or 10…I was a little shit as a kid.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/02/33-people-confess-the-shittiest-thing-theyve-ever-done/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/167051727832

[samanthasroberts]

33 People Confess The Shittiest Thing They’ve Ever Done

Found on AskReddit.

1. I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

When I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

2. THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

Learning guitar from uncle. Can’t do it. He said something like, Its easy, come on, you can do it!

Cue: THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

I mean fuck if any of you can top that I will be surprised; I was a little shit. Aunt ended up dying of cancer by the way.

3. Can you wait until you get home to start crying?

The other day my friend was in my car and said, I feel like I’m about to start crying. My immediate response was, Okaywell, can you wait until you get home to do that?

4. Stirred a coworkers drink with my dick.

I was pissed at a coworker who kept pushing her religion on me and I retaliated by stirring her drink with my dick after she had left it unattended. It was a silent victory for me. I look back on it and know that I’m a horrible human being for what I’ve done.

5. I intentionally broke a girls crayons while she cried.

When I was in 1st grade, I accidentally stepped on and broke a crayon this girl had while she was coloring on the ground. She started crying a lot about her broken crayon, so I looked her dead in the eyes and said I can’t be friends with sissy’s who cry over crayons. I then proceeded to intentionally step on and break the rest of her crayons.

6. Saw a man bleeding on the roadside and kept driving.

I was driving my ex home from the movies, and we chanced across a wreck on the roadside. The driver’s head was lolled on his shoulder, openly bleeding and obviously in need of assistance. My ex kept insisting, Keep driving. Someone will help him.

I feel like shit that I let her run me like that; I can’t believe I wasn’t the one to help him.

7. I made a Holocaust joke to a Jewish girl.

We were watching a doc about the Holocaust in journalism class (?)I was sitting behind a Jewish girl and right after they bulldozed a pile of dead bodies into a ditch I asked her if she recognized anyone on the screen.

As soon as it came out, I was horrified. we both participated in off-color inappropriate joking before, but this was next-level.

What a shitty thing to say. Im still ashamed.

8. I yelled at my grandfather and he died before I got a chance to say Im sorry.

I once yelled at my grandfather because he didn’t allow me to go over to a friends house because it was almost lunch time. He died before I got a chance to say sorry, gonna live with that for the rest of my life.

9. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Sitting at a table with friends at college when a girl and her friend join us cause she knew one of my friends. Girl’s a real jerk to everyone. She hones in on my good friend who is insecure. Nervous laughter from everyone so she goes harder.

I stop her and, half-jokingly say, wow, good one. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on? (She was seriously flat as a board)

Girl stands up crying and runs out of the building. Turn to everyone cause no idea how that should be the reaction.

Friends tell me, She had breast cancer when she was 16 and had to have them removed. Only happened a few years ago.

Nice.

10. Threw sand in a kid’s face.

Threw sand in a kid’s face once. We were playing in the sandbox and I was trying to demonstrate that it exploded so I threw a bunch of sand in the air. 97% of it went right into his face. I was an adult.

12. I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it.

I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it. It happened a few months ago and I keep replaying it in my head, wishing I’d done something.

13. Emily, Im sorry.

When I was around 15 I met a girl online and we quickly fell in love, as hormonal teenagers are prone to do. Her parents went away during the school summer break, leaving her home alone for a while and she invited me to come and stay with her as our first face-to-face meeting.

I took the train down to where she lived but on arrival my heart sank. Even though I’d seen pictures of her, she didn’t really resemble the image my love-struck 15-year-old mind had built up. Mutual awkwardness and disappointment became the theme of our first day together so much so that I decided that, not only was I going to go back home the very next day (I think I was supposed to stay for a whole week) but I didn’t want to see or speak to her again.

Just before I left I crept into her room and erased my number from her phone. Then it occurred to me that she had an inbox full of text messages from my number so I had to re-creep into her room and stealthily delete all of those, thus ‘deleting’ myself from her life.

I left and never heard from her again (although she did have my email address). That was about 17 years ago and I still feel very shitty about what I did.

Emily, I’m sorry.

14. Convinced a girl to blow me, them made her take the bus home.

Late, at party for my birthday, managed to chat a cute girl into blowing me. Was too drunk/tired/high on myself after to get her home properly so I made her take the bus. Not a heartbreaking moment but a real ass move.

15. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Hooked up with a coworker at her house after a party. After we had finished she asked me to stay and cuddle, obviously douchebag didn’t wanna stay and cuddle. I had made up my mind to walk home shitfaced at 3am. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Cue next day rolling around and at work I ask where she is and my boss tells me that she is spreading her mom’s ashes back in her home state and she was taking a few days off. That’s when I knew I was a real piece of shit.

Bonus points, she survived cancer a few months later.

16. I purposely smudged an old lady janitors mopping job.

Probs around age ten I was this piece of shit edgelord.Flash-forward to me in a McDonalds. Old janitor lady is mopping the floor. What does shitty ten-year-old me do? Walk across the mop trail and swish my feet to intentionally smudge it.

Gods I can barely think about it. Not even because I’m pissed or ashamed at myself but because of just that was, be it myself doing it or anyone else. This was probably an old lady barely able to make ends meet, trying to do whatever job she could…probably never wanted to hurt a soul. Then comes along some shitty rich kid who does something completely fucking douchey like ruin a mop job. Sure, not the most monstrous thing at face value, but put all of what I just said together and…fucking hell. That is dickish. I feel bad about it to this day; even writing about it is hard.

17. I refused help to a man who needed it.

I was walking out of a 7-11 gas station a couple of blocks from my apartment building late at night (no one else was there). An old, run down car pulled in and the driver rolled down the window and called over to me. He was clearly very upset and looked like he’d been crying. He told me he just found out his daughter had been in an accident and had been airlifted to a hospital about an hour away. He was trying to get there, but he was almost out of gas and didn’t have any money on him. He pleaded with me for anything I could spare. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me, and I went on my way.

That was a lie. I had plenty of cash on me, and regardless I had my cards on me with which I could’ve bought him some gas. I got about halfway home, thought about what I’d just done, and went back, but he was already gone. I went home where my friends were drinking, and I just sat on the couch and didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the night.

What the hell was wrong with me? Was I so jaded from living in a big city with panhandlers regularly asking for money that I couldn’t recognize when someone might genuinely need my help? The emotion on that man’s face was real, as was the pain in his voice. I don’t think I’ll forget the desperate please! as long as I live. Was it really that big of a risk to give this guy $20? Would that loss to me if he was some Broadway-class con man really be that bad when weighed against the possibility that I just let down a father going through the worst moment of his life?

What if his daughter didn’t make it, and he didn’t get to see her before she passed because some cynical asshole at the gas station couldn’t spare a few dollars? I hope that wasn’t the case, that his daughter was fine, and that someone with more compassion was able to help him…or better yet, that there was no accident and he was playing me. Thinking about the alternative has kept me awake at night on multiple occasions.

Ever since then I have tried to keep a more open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt, so that the next time I’m in a position to help someone who needs me, I won’t fail them.

I don’t think the guy wanted money for drugs. Anyone who works with drug addicts like I do would know that a true addict wouldn’t have any car, no matter how crap, that could be sold for even a few bucks that could get them another fix. Also, my neighborhood wasn’t anywhere near the drug corners, and he didn’t have the physical indicators.

18. Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. He died four days later

Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. I had two vacation days from work which I used to visit someone I had been dating for a month on Thursday and Friday. Then at my parents place for the holiday and back to work the next week. My grandfather passed away on 29th of December last year. I’m a real piece of shit.

I made damn sure to drive the some 220km to leave a candle for him at a veteran memorial stone on New Year’s Eve. At the town he had lived for his whole life.

19. Told my mom I wanted to name my kid after my dad.

Was having a chat with my brother, sister, and mother about names for kids. promptly say that I don’t like the idea of naming my kid after a family member but if I did it would be my fathers name. At the end of this rambling, mildly insulting speech I look straight at my mom and say because I love Dad. Immediately realized that implied that I didn’t love my mother enough to name my kids after her. I tried retracing my steps and covering up my mistake, she laughed and joked about it, but her face showed that she was pretty hurt. Broke my heart that I could be that careless, that woman’s done nothing but good for me.

20. Told my host he looked like Butt-head.

Hung out with the host of a New Years party for a bit. Drank some of his beer and said, hey you kinda look like Butt-head from that show. He said he gets it a lot.

21. I kicked a girl out of my house after some lackluster sex.

I had a girl come over for some extracurricular activities. She was drinking and assumed she was staying the night. After we had very lackluster sex I went down stairs smoked a bowl, walked back upstairs and kicked her out of my house. Definitely an ass move.

22. My friend was counting change, so I knocked all his coins on the ground.

A friend of mine was counting his change on the entrance of our work. We were about to clock in when I asked him What you got there? He shows me with his hand open and I just tapped it from the bottom, all his coins fell on the floor with all the people passing by.

I laughed and left, felt pretty shitty after but when I went to apologize he laughed it off and said he’ll get me next time.

23. Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

After graduating college I spent the summer backpacking around the world. It was the most amazing thing I had ever done; I was kind of shy before but the experience gave me a new-found confidence. Once I was back home I was a hit at bars regaling new friends with stories and was finally successful with attracting the opposite sex. I was having the time of my life.

While I was gone by best friend’s boyfriend overdosed and died at Bonnaroo. A little back story we became friends because she put me back together after a breakup. Stayed with me and cooked for me, but did I return the favor when I came home… no

I was too busy having the time of my life. Shortly after I got home she crashed her car and got a DUI. She was in a downward spiral and I ignored her. We were working a shift together after that and I, still in euphoria from the night before, said to her I can’t believe how my life keeps getting better and better and yours just gets worse.

I didn’t realize what I had said until months later. It’s been years and I still think back on that moment. I could have been there for her but I was just a selfish piece of shit.

tldr: Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

24. Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I’d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I’d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

25. I wanted to meet a gay guy so I could make fun of him.

I was very sheltered as a kid. I went to a private Christian elementary and middle school with 16 people in my 8 the grade class. When I was in 9th grade, I went to my first public school. No one knew me, so I felt like I had to be cool.

One day a friend of mine mentioned that her cousin was gay. I had never met a gay person before. I was genuinely curious if he was just as they appear on TV. So I asked her who he was, wanting to get the chance to meet him. She asked why I wanted to know who he was. Trying to be cool and not like I was genuinely curious, I replied, so I can make fun of him.

The girl sitting in front of me who I had never heard say a word, just turned around and said you’re a dick. It was the first and last thing she ever said to me.

I’ve never felt like more of a piece of shit in my life than that moment.

26. I gave a girl her first kiss as part of a bet.

I started a bet with a friend in middle school that we could get this wholesome straightedge girl to kiss one of us. I won the bet at a super romantic moment at a friend’s pool party by a roaring fire but had no real feelings for the girl. A little while later her friend told me that was her first kiss and she really liked me and was heartbroken when she found out about the bet. She has to live her whole life with that as her first kiss. I’m friends with her on FB and 15 years later she is absolutely beautiful and I still feel awful.

27. I threw a brick over my backyard fence and hit a kid in the head.

I threw a brick over my backyard fence just cause, and actually hit a kid in the head. It was a pretty bad cut. When his parents and my mom came out I just pointed at my brother and he got the ass whoopin’ of a life time. I was like 6.

28. Ran over a birdtwice.

Was driving on a winding road on my way to a job on the countryside when I hit a bird with the car. Stopped the car briefly and saw in my rear-view that it was flapping around until it just sat still in the middle of the road, probably trying to recover from the beating it had taken. I considered stepping out of my car and move the poor bird to the side of the road so it wouldn’t get hit by another car but remembered that flock-living birds can get “expelled” by their flock if they carry an unknown scent. I also figured that this was far off in the countryside in Sweden, and the likelihood of another car passing by anytime soon was close to none.

I was on my way back home about an hour and a half later. My meeting with the client had been a huge success so I was in a great mood, singing to the radio and was probably driving a bit over the limit. I drove up a small crest and on the other side was the same fucking bird sitting in the middle of the road exactly where I left it, I had totally forgotten about it! It was turned towards me and I swear it looked me straight in the eyes, silently cursing at me in its chirpy bird-language as I inevitably drove straight over it for the second time…

Once again I could see the bird being slammed to the asphalt numerous times in my rearview-mirror before disappearing down the slope into the woods.

I’m entirely convinced this bird will dedicate his afterlife to haunting me from the other side for the rest of my life…

29. Girlfriends mom tried killing herself, so I went home to drink.

Was watching with my then girlfriend. Lots of bad things happened that night that we were unaware of, and in the end her dad stormed into our room shouting get upstairs now and call 999. Her mum tried to commit suicide by an overdose on something I’m not aware of. Her mum/dad goes off in the ambulance and my ex is hysterical, crying panicking etc. My uncle at the time also tried to hang himself a few nights previous…. I used this as an excuse to leave my ex for the night, go home and get drunk. I will never forget the tears I left my ex in, while I went home to drink.

30. Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection.

Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection and have it amputated or if she didn’t go hospital it would spread and lose her arm. She started crying, called her mum, and went to hospital.

31. I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them.

I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them. A decade of regret and lost friendships is the result.

32. Told a suicidal girl to go kill herself.

Met a girl through and online game that was a legitimate train wreck. Sending nudes to basically everyone at the age of 12, smoked and drank on the daily at 13 or 14, did coke and speed at 15. Girl was a major bitch and a manipulator to basically everyone, and had no one who cared about her as a result. I tried being the first.

As I said, she ended up being a massive manipulator and one of the only people I’ve ever branded as irredeemable. Checked in on her some years later, and asked her how she’s been. Said she was probably gonna kill herself, to which I replied Yeah, you go do that, and then blocked her.

Is that fucked-up? Yeah. Do I care if she actually killed herself? Can’t say that I do.

33. Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason.

Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason at all when I was like 9 or 10…I was a little shit as a kid.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/02/33-people-confess-the-shittiest-thing-theyve-ever-done/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/02/33-people-confess-the-shittiest-thing-theyve-ever-done/

[allofbeercom]

33 People Confess The Shittiest Thing They’ve Ever Done

Found on AskReddit.

1. I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

When I told an adopted girl, I can see why your parents hate you.

2. THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

Learning guitar from uncle. Can’t do it. He said something like, Its easy, come on, you can do it!

Cue: THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE YOUR WIFE CANCER.

I mean fuck if any of you can top that I will be surprised; I was a little shit. Aunt ended up dying of cancer by the way.

3. Can you wait until you get home to start crying?

The other day my friend was in my car and said, I feel like I’m about to start crying. My immediate response was, Okaywell, can you wait until you get home to do that?

4. Stirred a coworkers drink with my dick.

I was pissed at a coworker who kept pushing her religion on me and I retaliated by stirring her drink with my dick after she had left it unattended. It was a silent victory for me. I look back on it and know that I’m a horrible human being for what I’ve done.

5. I intentionally broke a girls crayons while she cried.

When I was in 1st grade, I accidentally stepped on and broke a crayon this girl had while she was coloring on the ground. She started crying a lot about her broken crayon, so I looked her dead in the eyes and said I can’t be friends with sissy’s who cry over crayons. I then proceeded to intentionally step on and break the rest of her crayons.

6. Saw a man bleeding on the roadside and kept driving.

I was driving my ex home from the movies, and we chanced across a wreck on the roadside. The driver’s head was lolled on his shoulder, openly bleeding and obviously in need of assistance. My ex kept insisting, Keep driving. Someone will help him.

I feel like shit that I let her run me like that; I can’t believe I wasn’t the one to help him.

7. I made a Holocaust joke to a Jewish girl.

We were watching a doc about the Holocaust in journalism class (?)I was sitting behind a Jewish girl and right after they bulldozed a pile of dead bodies into a ditch I asked her if she recognized anyone on the screen.

As soon as it came out, I was horrified. we both participated in off-color inappropriate joking before, but this was next-level.

What a shitty thing to say. Im still ashamed.

8. I yelled at my grandfather and he died before I got a chance to say Im sorry.

I once yelled at my grandfather because he didn’t allow me to go over to a friends house because it was almost lunch time. He died before I got a chance to say sorry, gonna live with that for the rest of my life.

9. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Sitting at a table with friends at college when a girl and her friend join us cause she knew one of my friends. Girl’s a real jerk to everyone. She hones in on my good friend who is insecure. Nervous laughter from everyone so she goes harder.

I stop her and, half-jokingly say, wow, good one. You want a medal or a chest to pin it on? (She was seriously flat as a board)

Girl stands up crying and runs out of the building. Turn to everyone cause no idea how that should be the reaction.

Friends tell me, She had breast cancer when she was 16 and had to have them removed. Only happened a few years ago.

Nice.

10. Threw sand in a kid’s face.

Threw sand in a kid’s face once. We were playing in the sandbox and I was trying to demonstrate that it exploded so I threw a bunch of sand in the air. 97% of it went right into his face. I was an adult.

12. I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it.

I watched a guy pepper spray a sleeping homeless man on the train and was too scared to do anything to stop it. It happened a few months ago and I keep replaying it in my head, wishing I’d done something.

13. Emily, Im sorry.

When I was around 15 I met a girl online and we quickly fell in love, as hormonal teenagers are prone to do. Her parents went away during the school summer break, leaving her home alone for a while and she invited me to come and stay with her as our first face-to-face meeting.

I took the train down to where she lived but on arrival my heart sank. Even though I’d seen pictures of her, she didn’t really resemble the image my love-struck 15-year-old mind had built up. Mutual awkwardness and disappointment became the theme of our first day together so much so that I decided that, not only was I going to go back home the very next day (I think I was supposed to stay for a whole week) but I didn’t want to see or speak to her again.

Just before I left I crept into her room and erased my number from her phone. Then it occurred to me that she had an inbox full of text messages from my number so I had to re-creep into her room and stealthily delete all of those, thus ‘deleting’ myself from her life.

I left and never heard from her again (although she did have my email address). That was about 17 years ago and I still feel very shitty about what I did.

Emily, I’m sorry.

14. Convinced a girl to blow me, them made her take the bus home.

Late, at party for my birthday, managed to chat a cute girl into blowing me. Was too drunk/tired/high on myself after to get her home properly so I made her take the bus. Not a heartbreaking moment but a real ass move.

15. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Hooked up with a coworker at her house after a party. After we had finished she asked me to stay and cuddle, obviously douchebag didn’t wanna stay and cuddle. I had made up my mind to walk home shitfaced at 3am. She even tried to take my shirt off and I just reached into my backpack and pulled a different shirt out. I know, I’m terrible.

Cue next day rolling around and at work I ask where she is and my boss tells me that she is spreading her mom’s ashes back in her home state and she was taking a few days off. That’s when I knew I was a real piece of shit.

Bonus points, she survived cancer a few months later.

16. I purposely smudged an old lady janitors mopping job.

Probs around age ten I was this piece of shit edgelord.Flash-forward to me in a McDonalds. Old janitor lady is mopping the floor. What does shitty ten-year-old me do? Walk across the mop trail and swish my feet to intentionally smudge it.

Gods I can barely think about it. Not even because I’m pissed or ashamed at myself but because of just that was, be it myself doing it or anyone else. This was probably an old lady barely able to make ends meet, trying to do whatever job she could…probably never wanted to hurt a soul. Then comes along some shitty rich kid who does something completely fucking douchey like ruin a mop job. Sure, not the most monstrous thing at face value, but put all of what I just said together and…fucking hell. That is dickish. I feel bad about it to this day; even writing about it is hard.

17. I refused help to a man who needed it.

I was walking out of a 7-11 gas station a couple of blocks from my apartment building late at night (no one else was there). An old, run down car pulled in and the driver rolled down the window and called over to me. He was clearly very upset and looked like he’d been crying. He told me he just found out his daughter had been in an accident and had been airlifted to a hospital about an hour away. He was trying to get there, but he was almost out of gas and didn’t have any money on him. He pleaded with me for anything I could spare. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me, and I went on my way.

That was a lie. I had plenty of cash on me, and regardless I had my cards on me with which I could’ve bought him some gas. I got about halfway home, thought about what I’d just done, and went back, but he was already gone. I went home where my friends were drinking, and I just sat on the couch and didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the night.

What the hell was wrong with me? Was I so jaded from living in a big city with panhandlers regularly asking for money that I couldn’t recognize when someone might genuinely need my help? The emotion on that man’s face was real, as was the pain in his voice. I don’t think I’ll forget the desperate please! as long as I live. Was it really that big of a risk to give this guy $20? Would that loss to me if he was some Broadway-class con man really be that bad when weighed against the possibility that I just let down a father going through the worst moment of his life?

What if his daughter didn’t make it, and he didn’t get to see her before she passed because some cynical asshole at the gas station couldn’t spare a few dollars? I hope that wasn’t the case, that his daughter was fine, and that someone with more compassion was able to help him…or better yet, that there was no accident and he was playing me. Thinking about the alternative has kept me awake at night on multiple occasions.

Ever since then I have tried to keep a more open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt, so that the next time I’m in a position to help someone who needs me, I won’t fail them.

I don’t think the guy wanted money for drugs. Anyone who works with drug addicts like I do would know that a true addict wouldn’t have any car, no matter how crap, that could be sold for even a few bucks that could get them another fix. Also, my neighborhood wasn’t anywhere near the drug corners, and he didn’t have the physical indicators.

18. Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. He died four days later

Did not visit my grandfather this Christmas. I had two vacation days from work which I used to visit someone I had been dating for a month on Thursday and Friday. Then at my parents place for the holiday and back to work the next week. My grandfather passed away on 29th of December last year. I’m a real piece of shit.

I made damn sure to drive the some 220km to leave a candle for him at a veteran memorial stone on New Year’s Eve. At the town he had lived for his whole life.

19. Told my mom I wanted to name my kid after my dad.

Was having a chat with my brother, sister, and mother about names for kids. promptly say that I don’t like the idea of naming my kid after a family member but if I did it would be my fathers name. At the end of this rambling, mildly insulting speech I look straight at my mom and say because I love Dad. Immediately realized that implied that I didn’t love my mother enough to name my kids after her. I tried retracing my steps and covering up my mistake, she laughed and joked about it, but her face showed that she was pretty hurt. Broke my heart that I could be that careless, that woman’s done nothing but good for me.

20. Told my host he looked like Butt-head.

Hung out with the host of a New Years party for a bit. Drank some of his beer and said, hey you kinda look like Butt-head from that show. He said he gets it a lot.

21. I kicked a girl out of my house after some lackluster sex.

I had a girl come over for some extracurricular activities. She was drinking and assumed she was staying the night. After we had very lackluster sex I went down stairs smoked a bowl, walked back upstairs and kicked her out of my house. Definitely an ass move.

22. My friend was counting change, so I knocked all his coins on the ground.

A friend of mine was counting his change on the entrance of our work. We were about to clock in when I asked him What you got there? He shows me with his hand open and I just tapped it from the bottom, all his coins fell on the floor with all the people passing by.

I laughed and left, felt pretty shitty after but when I went to apologize he laughed it off and said he’ll get me next time.

23. Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

After graduating college I spent the summer backpacking around the world. It was the most amazing thing I had ever done; I was kind of shy before but the experience gave me a new-found confidence. Once I was back home I was a hit at bars regaling new friends with stories and was finally successful with attracting the opposite sex. I was having the time of my life.

While I was gone by best friend’s boyfriend overdosed and died at Bonnaroo. A little back story we became friends because she put me back together after a breakup. Stayed with me and cooked for me, but did I return the favor when I came home… no :/

I was too busy having the time of my life. Shortly after I got home she crashed her car and got a DUI. She was in a downward spiral and I ignored her. We were working a shift together after that and I, still in euphoria from the night before, said to her I can’t believe how my life keeps getting better and better and yours just gets worse.

I didn’t realize what I had said until months later. It’s been years and I still think back on that moment. I could have been there for her but I was just a selfish piece of shit.

tldr: Best friend’s boyfriend died during the best summer of my life and I was a piece of shit.

24. Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I’d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

Brought a morning-after pill to a woman I’d fucked the day prior while she was in the hospital after another guy beat the shit out of her.

25. I wanted to meet a gay guy so I could make fun of him.

I was very sheltered as a kid. I went to a private Christian elementary and middle school with 16 people in my 8 the grade class. When I was in 9th grade, I went to my first public school. No one knew me, so I felt like I had to be cool.

One day a friend of mine mentioned that her cousin was gay. I had never met a gay person before. I was genuinely curious if he was just as they appear on TV. So I asked her who he was, wanting to get the chance to meet him. She asked why I wanted to know who he was. Trying to be cool and not like I was genuinely curious, I replied, so I can make fun of him.

The girl sitting in front of me who I had never heard say a word, just turned around and said you’re a dick. It was the first and last thing she ever said to me.

I’ve never felt like more of a piece of shit in my life than that moment.

26. I gave a girl her first kiss as part of a bet.

I started a bet with a friend in middle school that we could get this wholesome straightedge girl to kiss one of us. I won the bet at a super romantic moment at a friend’s pool party by a roaring fire but had no real feelings for the girl. A little while later her friend told me that was her first kiss and she really liked me and was heartbroken when she found out about the bet. She has to live her whole life with that as her first kiss. I’m friends with her on FB and 15 years later she is absolutely beautiful and I still feel awful.

27. I threw a brick over my backyard fence and hit a kid in the head.

I threw a brick over my backyard fence just cause, and actually hit a kid in the head. It was a pretty bad cut. When his parents and my mom came out I just pointed at my brother and he got the ass whoopin’ of a life time. I was like 6.

28. Ran over a birdtwice.

Was driving on a winding road on my way to a job on the countryside when I hit a bird with the car. Stopped the car briefly and saw in my rear-view that it was flapping around until it just sat still in the middle of the road, probably trying to recover from the beating it had taken. I considered stepping out of my car and move the poor bird to the side of the road so it wouldn’t get hit by another car but remembered that flock-living birds can get “expelled” by their flock if they carry an unknown scent. I also figured that this was far off in the countryside in Sweden, and the likelihood of another car passing by anytime soon was close to none.

I was on my way back home about an hour and a half later. My meeting with the client had been a huge success so I was in a great mood, singing to the radio and was probably driving a bit over the limit. I drove up a small crest and on the other side was the same fucking bird sitting in the middle of the road exactly where I left it, I had totally forgotten about it! It was turned towards me and I swear it looked me straight in the eyes, silently cursing at me in its chirpy bird-language as I inevitably drove straight over it for the second time…

Once again I could see the bird being slammed to the asphalt numerous times in my rearview-mirror before disappearing down the slope into the woods.

I’m entirely convinced this bird will dedicate his afterlife to haunting me from the other side for the rest of my life…

29. Girlfriends mom tried killing herself, so I went home to drink.

Was watching with my then girlfriend. Lots of bad things happened that night that we were unaware of, and in the end her dad stormed into our room shouting get upstairs now and call 999. Her mum tried to commit suicide by an overdose on something I’m not aware of. Her mum/dad goes off in the ambulance and my ex is hysterical, crying panicking etc. My uncle at the time also tried to hang himself a few nights previous…. I used this as an excuse to leave my ex for the night, go home and get drunk. I will never forget the tears I left my ex in, while I went home to drink.

30. Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection.

Convinced a girl high as a kite who had the tiniest cut on her finger that she will die from infection and have it amputated or if she didn’t go hospital it would spread and lose her arm. She started crying, called her mum, and went to hospital.

31. I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them.

I’ve had sex with 2 friends’ gfs…while they were still dating them. A decade of regret and lost friendships is the result.

32. Told a suicidal girl to go kill herself.

Met a girl through and online game that was a legitimate train wreck. Sending nudes to basically everyone at the age of 12, smoked and drank on the daily at 13 or 14, did coke and speed at 15. Girl was a major bitch and a manipulator to basically everyone, and had no one who cared about her as a result. I tried being the first.

As I said, she ended up being a massive manipulator and one of the only people I’ve ever branded as irredeemable. Checked in on her some years later, and asked her how she’s been. Said she was probably gonna kill herself, to which I replied Yeah, you go do that, and then blocked her.

Is that fucked-up? Yeah. Do I care if she actually killed herself? Can’t say that I do.

33. Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason.

Kneed a neighborhood kid in the nuts for no reason at all when I was like 9 or 10…I was a little shit as a kid.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/02/33-people-confess-the-shittiest-thing-theyve-ever-done/