#I felt so horrible yesterday and now I know that everything the first surgeon told me was Bullshit

[sergle]

I had a video consult with a different surgeon, and he / everything about the consult were the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of the guy I saw the other day he was fucking amazing, complete night and day, I feel. So fucking relieved. and I'm getting my breast reduction next month.

[cicaklah]

star trek picard episodes 1-3 thots

THE THOTS ARE BACK

So this post directly follows on from the angry freakout I had earlier this week where I live incepted myself into watching picard season 3 ride or die, because sometimes you've just got to go down to the highway and watch the car crash in person.

also, I reminded myself that I dont care about other people's star trek opinions, only my own. therefore, I needed to have star trek opinions.

here are my thots, here be spoilers

first off: gates mcfadden's face lift is fucking spectacular, the woman looks amazing. Her eye sockets are so sculpted, her cheeks are so taut, her jawline is so sharp, and yet she still looks her age. this is what growing old in the socialist utopia promises: you too can look like a woman who has not actually had to work since the early 90s. also credit to everyone looking great in their 60s, 70s and 80s.

second: jack crusher (the second??!?! how does that work anyway), is so fucking hot.

third: I went into this knowing broadly what happened in episode 1 and 2, and that episode 3 the twist is changelings, because I saw a spoiler yesterday on una mccormack's tumblr. changelings is interesting, because to do a ds9 plot in tng is bold, especially when you can't bring odo back since ya man rene audeboujournois died a few years ago. worf doesnt even mention him by name: ffs worf raffi was alive during the dominion war, she'll know who fucking odo is. he's odo.

fourth: the moment I was like, I am here for the long run was Worf's whole introduction and his everything. I think its always hard to give credit to michael dorn for being so great because he has to act stoic through SO much makeup and he just is worf, but honestly, it felt like if they'd just put the black hair on him he would have looked exactly the same as he did thirty years ago. Like they had to make his hair white just to make time have passed. The man is so well preserved, maybe he also has a very good surgeon, but I am down to believe that he just Is Like That. Damn.

five: worf is the best thing that happened to raffi, I love them together, they are the best team.

six: all of this is going to fall apart when brent spiner comes to Lore it all up, as that is obviously what was stolen from the daystrom institute alongside the portal gun.

seven: so episode 3 won me over because I had kind of forgotten how good an actor patstew is when he really gives it?? because fuck me the scene between beverly and picard where they talk about how the whole baby thing happened was so good, so subtle, so emotive. It also crucially made sense: they had tried to be together. they had failed to be together. crusher was tired of his shit, he's always been a terrible partner and it just didn't work, but then she was pregnant and ready to leave anyway, ready to move on, so just went, fine, breakup over, beverly out. Also, reminded picard that the universe keeps trying to kill him, that he'd basically killed her husband and her son, and she had no other family....thanks for the sperm donation, I'm gonna go retire and have a redo. I was already 100% team bev but now I am 200% team bev, also fuck off picard with your 'oh yeah actually I wouldn't have been my horrible abusive father fuck you for taking me at my word, my whole /r/childfree carefree bachelor attitude, how could I have known anything about myself in my early 60s, I was but a boy, we could have had it all, rolling in the deep' etc. Father and husband fuck the fuck off you traditionalist old bastard you just told us you had broken up for the FIFTH TIME.

eight: should have reserved point seven for seven herself but: SEVEN!!!! I am fucking going to do it, I'm going to write the seven of nineifesto. She is so fucking deep waters, shes been so betrayed by authority figures none of who actually give a shit about whats best for her, just for what is best for the story, she is not meant to be in starfleet ffs, she got the worst possibly mentors in janeway and picard. also seven and raffi just need to hang out with worf and tell the rest of them to fuck off.

nine: captain shaw was right and he should say it. He was having a nice time, just running his ship, doing his duty, when he gets fucking hijacked by two guys who literally are mavericks and crash ships all the time, who are manipulating seven, who MUTINIES, and they literally destroy his ship and ruin his life in the space of about 12 hours and he saw through their bullshit within 30 seconds of the 'surprise inspection' gig. justice for captain liam shaw, only sane man on the titan.

ten: look, the show is never going to stick the landing, but like all star trek, it is a journey. there are changelings, there is worf, there is raffi, there is my forthcoming 200k seven of nine fix it fic, there is so much to enjoy, and also there was the absolutely awful deaging makeup, please stop doing it, it made me feel seasick.

anyway these are my thots on yaoi kthxbye

[schnitzelbutterfingers]

The Stroke of Midnight (Ethan Ramsey x f!MC)

Book/Pairing(s): Open Heart/ Dr. Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Dr. Abigail “Abby” Chacko)

Word Count: 2175

Summary: How would they get their New Year’s kiss if there are obstacles in their way?

Category: Angst with a happy ending

Warning(s): hospitalization (car accident, coma, fainting, depression, anxiety) kissing (ofc, it’s New Year’s Eve-)

______________________________________________________________

December 29th, 2020 (9:52 P.M.)

Abby loathed it. 

She loathed wearing those damn masks that made her suffocate. She loathed wearing at least three pieces of clothing, which got her all sweaty and sticky. Best of all, she loathed COVID-19. 

Damn every single human that doesn’t know how to social distance.

She got it. She knew how it felt to not spend time with her dear friends. She knew how it felt to not go to gorgeous beaches and get her tans. 

But this whole pandemic would be over if everyone followed the damn rules. People are acting as if they are seeing their families for the first time. Airplanes flying across the sky with every seat filled. Beaches filled with women in bikinis and men in shorts. Parties filled with people and alcohol. 

Abby is wholeheartedly done.

She recollected how Seb and Amma when they couldn’t come to Boston for the Christmas and New Year’s celebrations because of the fast-spreading virus. Even if she missed her family, she video-called them with Ethan, laughing and sharing joy with one another.

The moment of tranquility at that time inhabited her memories as more patients filled the ER, the moans and groans of pain settling in the overcrowded room. With a sigh, she got back to work, tending to them who may possibly have COVID. 

After placing one patient in the ventilator after she had trouble breathing, the junior resident went to the diagnostics room to take a break. It was depressing to call their families and tell them the heartbreaking words that their loved ones might not make it. And for a bonus point, during the holidays.

And it’s already depressing enough that Ethan hadn’t called her yet. He was supposed to here now; his shift was going to start in 5 minutes. Habitually, he got here early, either to finish paperwork or to start his rounds. The fact that he is not here know made her stomach feel wary.

She jolted at the beeping of her pager, signalling her to the ER room. I wasn’t even gone for five minutes.

Reluctantly, she went back down to the ER. She could see figures not far, and a bloodied man. Automatically, her thoughts went to calling his family about this accident. She hated heeding the cries coming out of their mouths, wishing she could do anything, anything, in her power to to save their loved one. But she prompted herself that she tried her full hardest.

Thrusting those thoughts aside, she rushed down to the patient. Suddenly, a pair of hands ceased her from taking another step forward. Naveen.

“Abby, don’t go down there,” Naveen said, worriedly. Huh?

Abby was confused and impatient. “What are you talking about? I’m a doctor. I can help him!”

Naveen replied in a hushed, soothing kind of tone. “There are other doctors there. They’ll tend to-”

Just then a paramedic came, someone the Chacko doesn’t know. “Patient is Ethan Ramsey, age-”

The world stopped. People annulled their motions. At least, that’s what she concluded. Her pulse, however, grew rapid. Her eyes widened. In horrible fear? In terrible anguish? In emotional pain? She doesn’t even know. 

“...Naveen? Please don’t tell me it’s who I think it is.”

“...I’m so sorry, Abigail. His car was hit by a truck and it rolled over a few times. He will be okay, I promise-”

But she’s not so certain. She wanted to slap herself. To cut herself, for ever thinking that. But even she took a look at Ethan. He’s covered in blood. She couldn’t even recognize him. 

“No...”

Then, she said it louder.

 NO! NO! ETHAN! ETHAAAN! Let me go. LET ME GO! NAVEEN, LET ME GO!!” Abby struggled, trying to release herself from Naveen’s grip. He was maintaining a vice-like grip on her, murmuring soothing words that he will be alright.

But she couldn’t make out anything. The world was spiraling, and so was she. 

“...Ethan...”

In one blink she fell onto the floor, her knees making an uncomfortable thud on the white tiles, and her vision went black.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

December 30th, 2020 (10:06 A.M.)

The first thing she overheard was the beeping of a heart monitor. Next, she saw the IV going through her arm. She found out she was lying on an uncomfortable bed, sunlight streaming through the windows. Finally, she sees the Chief with an anxious face.

“Abigail! Ladoo, are you alright?” Naveen asked, concerned.

Only one word came out of her mouth. A name. “Ethan...”

She placed everything now. The bloodied body of Ethan Ramsey. Her true love. Unconscious. Unaware of any of her calls. She gasped out.

“Ethan! Naveen, where is Ethan? Where-”

Abby couldn’t breathe. She is suffocating. And she wasn’t even wearing one of those damn masks.

“Abby, deep breaths,” Naveen soothingly commanded.

She did as she was advised. Her breathing got normal, but her pulse didn’t.

“Naveen! Where is Ethan? Is he alright? Where-”

“Ladoo. Ethan is in the ICU, currently in a coma. He had a major surgery in his lung and chest. Thankfully, the surgeons stopped the blood loss. He had two broken ribs and a broken arm.”

Abby couldn’t get that first sentence out of her mind. “He’s... in a coma?”

The senior doctor sighed profoundly. “Yes, Abigail. We don’t know when he will wake up.”

We don’t know when he will wake up.

A tear spilled out of her eye, but she forced herself to swab it away. She will not break down. At least not now. Finally, she cared enough to question about herself.

“...What’s wrong with me?”

A sigh pulled out of Naveen’s mouth again. “You fainted after you had heard the news about Ethan. Your blood pressure increased. Fortunately, you’re fine now. I’ve informed Seb and Jazmin about this. They sensed you would be uncomfortable with talking about Ethan now, so they’ve decided to give you some space.”

She was appreciative. For having the best brother and mother. She treasured them. Too much. “I’ll shoot them a quick text message later. For now, I’m going to Ethan’s room. Where is he?”

“Abi-”

“Please. I want to see him.”

With a defeated sigh, Naveen and a nurse aided her onto a plastic wheelchair, much to her annoyance. She could walk fine, she’s not paralyzed or anything.

Abby was wheeled down the familiar hospital hall as nurses and doctors kept sparing pitiful glances. She didn’t need pity. She needed Ethan.

She walked into the room, preparing herself for what she was going to see. She wasn’t prepared at all.

Ethan was wearing a hospital gown and looked exhausted. His eyes were closed and he looked calm. Peaceful. Tranquility.

Some of her friends were already there. Bryce, Sienna, Jackie, Elijah, Rafael. They knew Abby would want to see her love. Some of them whispered comforting words. Others patted her on the shoulder. They all left her, and soon, she was alone with her fiance.

She started. “Hi, Ethan. It’s me, Rookie.”

She looked at the calendar. December 30. 

“Two more days till this horrible year is over. Life always throws us curveballs, don’t they?”

Silence.

She sighed. “Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Couples are supposed to kiss each other at the stroke of midnight. I need to feel your lips on mine at midnight. Please.”

The tears she tried to hold fell out like a dam breaking. She broke out in sobs.

“Please, Ethan. I... I can’t live without you in this damn world. If you die, I die, Ethan. I die. Please. I wanna feel you lips on mine at midnight. We planned so much for the future. Please. We’re engaged. We’ll be married next year. We’re hoping to build a family. With Jenner, as our third wheel. Please wake up, wake up, wake up. I love you too damn much.”

She whispered the last sentence. She tangled his hand in hers and held them tight. He may be in a coma now, but she’ll sing a song for him now. 

The sun comes up It's a new day dawning It's time to sing your song again

She takes a deep breath to keep her voice from cracking. Whatever may pass And whatever lies before me Let me be singing When the evening comes

Bless The Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship your holy name

She sighed. He didn’t move, but something told her that he will move soon. 

“Rest now, my love. I’ll be waiting for that kiss when you wake up.”

He didn’t wake up that day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 31st, 2020 (11:40 P.M.)

Abby was with him yesterday and planned to stay in his room the whole night, until Naveen discharged her and gently forced her into an on-call room. It’s amusing how he thinks the 22 years old would get any sleep. She wanted to be in Ethan’s comforting arms. Him stroking her musky brunette hair. Her wrapping her narrow arms around his waist. Sleeping under the brilliant moonlight. But now, the coma threatened to take away that lifelong dream.

It was 11:40 P.M. on New Year’s Eve, and Abby was still waiting for that midnight kiss. He promised he would kiss her at 12:00 A.M. He didn’t have any problems in doing that. If so, he would have told Abby. He didn’t have to go into a coma to hamper it. Abby would still love him.

Abby was looking at the wall, staring at it blankly as she clasped his hand and gave it a squeeze, hoping for it to jerk. And minutes later, it did.

The first jerk got her out of her train of thoughts. The second jerk made her look at his bruised face, hopeful for a holiday miracle. The third jerk made him slowly open his eyes, his familiar hand gently stroking her thumb as to figure out who is next to him. 

She gently fastened her eyes. Oh no, what if he loses his memory? It was a serious car accident after all. Stop it, Abby, Naveen didn’t mention a head injury. Oh no, what if he was lying? What if he was trying to make me feel better? What-

“Rookie...?” She looked back at her, only to observe Ethan staring intently at her, with a slight glimmer.

“Ethan...” She couldn’t hold back the tears this time. 

The ocean eyes lost glimmer and instead widened with evident alarm. “Abby, don’t cry. What happened?”

Abby released a tremulous breath, one that she barely knew she was holding. “A truck hit you car and it flipped a few times. You were in it. You had a major surgery in your lung and chest. The surgeons stopped your blood loss just in time. You have two broken ribs and a broken arm. And you were in a coma.”

If Ethan wasn’t alert before, then he definitely is after hearing her last statement. “I was in a coma? For how long?”

“Just for a day, luckily. It’s New Year’s Eve.”

She looked at her watch. 

“... 11:55 P.M.”

Ethan nodded his head slowly, before gently stroking her cheek to wipe away the salty droplets of water. “Rookie, don’t cry. I’m awake now, am I not?”

She broke. Again. 

“B-but, I th-thought you wouldn’t m-make it. I thought y-you would never w-wake up. I thought o-our future was de-destroyed. I thought I would ne-never see you bl-blue eyes again. I thought-”

She gave up saying the last sentence and the first sob came out. Ethan’s heart broke piece by piece before shattering. 

“Lie down with me.”

She was hesitant. “But w-what if I h-hurt you?”

“You won’t,” Ethan assured. “I want to hold you.”

Slowly, she got up from the uncomfortable plastic chair and gently lied down with him. Her hand came around his waist, mindful of his injuries. Ethan’s hand went to the daily job of stroking her hair down. 

“I’m right here. Our dream will never be shattered as long as we have each other’s hearts. Even if I did die-”

“Ethan, stop-”

“No, Abigail, let me say this. Even if I did die, our hearts would be mended together. If you died, I would never love someone else again. You would be mine always, no matter what happens. My heart would belong to you and only you.”

Joyful and comforting tears obscured her vision. “I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you, too, Rookie. To the squares of infinity.”

Just then, they both heard the countdown. 11:59 P.M.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

“Are you ready?” Ethan asked.

Six.

Five.

Abby smiled. “Hell yeah, I am.”

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

And their lips met at the stroke of midnight, fulfilling his promise.

“Happy New Year, Abigail.” The former attending said, a beautiful grin adoring his face.

“Happy New Year, Ethan.” Abby returned with the same grin.

As sleep was overtaking both of them with colorful fireworks decorating the night sky, Abby managed to ponder on one more thought.

Good riddance, 2020.

notes: If you’ve made it this far, thank you!

notes 2: Happy New Year, and good riddance! Let’s all pray for a good year this time. I wrote this fic in one day, and I am pretty impressed of myself. But I thought I would give you one more fic as this year comes to a close. Forgive me if there were any spelling mistakes or grammar errors. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoyed! ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

tags: @missmiimiie @aylamwrites @starrystarrytrouble @udishaman @caseyvalentineramsey @queencarb @choicesstan1 @newcolonies @arcticrivers @angela8756 @takemyopenheart @rookie-ramsey @ohchoices​ @ohvamsey @ohramsey @natureblooms24 @drariellevalentine @maurine07 @lucy-268 @drakewalkerfantasy @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @gryffindordaughterofathena

@openheartfanfics

@choicesficwriterscreations

[ahopelessromantic]

Calm After The Storm ➳ S. Reid

Pairing: Spencer x Reader

Word count: 2,6k

Warnings: none

Your new intern causes you to look back on years of companionship with Spencer and think about what’s still ahead of you. (Inspired by Calm After The Storm by The Common Linnets :))

“Excuse me, are you (Y/N) Reid?” Still on your first coffee of the morning it took you a moment to realise that you had been addressed. With a sheepish smile you looked up from your desk to meet eyes with an unfamiliar face. “Depends on who’s asking.” You joked half-heartedly, scanning the unknown woman’s attire for a badge or visitor’s pass. “I’m Anna, Anna Wilde. We talked on the phone?” Realisation dawned on your face. Anna’s father was a friend of Hotch, he had called in some favours with your boss so she could have an internship in your unit. “Of course!” You smiled and got up to shake her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Do you want to start by meeting the rest of the team right away?”

“So, these are Agent Morgan, Agent Prentiss, Agent Rossi and Doctor Reid. And you already know Hotch, of course. Guys, this is Anna, our new intern for two months.” The team all smiled at her friendly, sensing how nervous she was. It wasn’t every day you met a bunch of FBI agents. After the round of introductions, you took her to the small kitchenette, telling her all about the small kinks the coffee machine sometimes had. “And feel free to ask any question, be as outright as you want. This is a tough job; I don’t want to sugar-coat anything.” She nodded, looking conflicted for a moment before speaking up.“You said Doctor… Reid? Are you married?” You chuckled, flashing her your wedding ring.

“You’re perceptive, that’s good. Yes, Spencer is my husband.” She frowned. “Aren’t there like, policies against that or something?” “Oh, believe me, there are. Relationships can pose a huge conflict of interest.”, you laughed again. “But we annoyed everyone around us with our crushes on each other for so long that everyone was actually grateful once we actually got together. We just had to make it clear that we wouldn’t treat each other differently because we’re romantically involved.” Anna nodded, still looking surprised. “Are you prepared to see some case pictures? We’re about to go into our morning meeting to talk about our next case, but you don’t have to look at anything you don’t want to look at.” Her eyes lit up at that and she nodded decidedly. “No, I’m ready. I used to intern with a surgeon. I can see some blood.” You almost told her that a dead body and an alive, breathing one under anaesthesia weren’t quite the same, but couldn’t bring yourself to do it. She was so young, and so ready to take on the world. In some way, she reminded you of yourself. Young you had been so ready to kick down doors and arrest bad guys when she started out in law enforcement, and it had taken some time for you to find the golden way between enthusiasm and a cool head. But despite her eagerness, or maybe even because of it, Anna actually didn’t do too bad during her first two weeks with your team. She knew how to take orders, something you hadn’t known back then, and also knew herself well enough to step down from a case when she couldn’t stomach it, something you also should have learned way sooner. Once, she even figured out the one clue that had kept you all from figuring out who the unsub was. You were growing to really like her, and she would make a great agent should she actually decide to join the bureau further down the line.

“(Y/N)?” “Hm?” You answered, still in the middle of writing a report. It was late in the evening, and the day had been eventful. The case had ended in a shooting, a bullet had barely missed your shoulder and given you a nice graze wound. “How do you do it?” It was only after hearing her question that you looked up from your screen. Upon seeing the confusion on your face, she elaborated further. “How do you and your husband make it through all the stress? You constantly have to worry that your partner is going to get shot, or kidnapped, or even worse, die. How do you deal with that?” You gave her a gentle smile and gestured for her to sit, using the short moment of silence to organise your thoughts. “I think… as cheesy as it sounds, honesty is the key.” You spoke. “We never leave anything unsaid, so that we’re in the clear if… something happens to either of us. There’s nothing we don’t tell each other; we’ve learned our lesson with that.” Anna nodded solemnly. >“I think I’ve never met a couple like you. Most married couples I know would have long split up.” You had to chuckle at that. “I think that’s because there probably aren’t any couples like us. Somehow, people think that when you’re married you either hate each other or are constantly overly lovey-dovey with each other. But Spencer is my best friend, my partner. The one person I want to come home to after a long day. He’s kind of just like my sexy roommate.” “Hey!” Spencer called out from his desk across the bullpen. “I heard that!” “Good!”, you yelled back. “You were supposed to!” Both you and Anna laughed, your eyes meeting. “It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. He’s also kind of the only one who understands my horrible working hours.” Anna nodded and chuckled. “Thank you. For being so honest with me, about everything. Most people just belittle me when I tell them I want to join the FBI.” You smiled. “Trust me, I know how you feel. Anything to give you a better picture of the life you have with this job. Do you want to go get some dinner?”

Later that night, after grabbing some orange juice from your fridge at home, your eyes landed on wedding picture that was pinned to its door. Spencer and you had been so young when you had met, barely even adults. Never before had you realised just how young you had really been, until you had seen Anna and how different she still was from your nearly mid-thirties self. The two of you had been so hellbent on proving yourselves to the world back then, so quick to prove anyone who told you what you could and couldn’t do wrong. Basically, the only people you felt safe to relax around had been each other.It had always been obvious that one day, there was going to blossom love between the two of you. Urged on by the pictures on your fridge you got a box from your living room and spread its content across your kitchen table. It was all the memories you had of yourself and Spencer, collected since the very start of your friendship. There were clippings from newspapers, pictures from birthday celebrations, museum tickets from all over the country. A plastic figurine Spencer had won for you in an arcade, a poker chip from when you had taken him to a casino and of course, quickly gotten kicked out again. But your favourite, of course, were the pictures of your wedding. The happiness on your team’s faces, small Henry bearing your rings, the way Spencer looked at you in your dress. He had been your companion for years now, your shelter, and the love you felt for him only ran deeper with every passing day. Working the job you did, the one thing you really needed was someone you didn’t have to question, and he was just that. The keys turning in the front door’s lock shook you out of your trip down memory lane. “Babe, I’m home!” Spencer announced, knowing damn well that you never slept until he was home. He often stayed at the BAU longer than you, always making sure the team hadn’t missed the littlest of details in a case.

“Hey.” You greeted him happily, pressing you lips to his. Your husband sighed into the kiss, pulling you closer. “I missed you today.” He murmured, gaze wandering across your face as if he had to memorise your features all over again. “You saw me a few hours ago.” You chuckled. He scrunched his nose. “Still. It’s been some time since we had a full day off. Are you looking at pictures?” He asked excitedly upon seeing the mess on the kitchen table. “Mhm.”, you hummed. “Talking about you with Anna brought back some memories.” He chuckled, immersed in the pictures spread out in front of him. “I wish I'd had someone like you being so open with me about the job back when I started at the BAU.” You joined him at the kitchen table, sneaking your arms around his waist. “Would you still have joined?” He looked at you, running his fingers through your hair. “I don’t know, actually. What I do know is that I wouldn’t have met you then, and I don’t know if I’d still like my life without you in it.” You felt yourself blush and buried your face in his side. “Shut up.” Not paying much attention to your shenanigans, he took a picture in his hands with a gentle smile. “This one is my favourite.” You furrowed your eyebrows. It was a picture of the two of you on the jet, months before you had even confessed your feelings to one another. You were asleep, face smushed against your seat, and Spencer was sitting next to you. He had an open book in his hands, but in the picture, he wasn’t reading. He was looking at you, the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. You didn’t even know who had taken the picture, probably Emily or Morgan. “I think this was the day I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Spencer mused, his trademark shy smile on his lips. You looked up to him with wide eyes. “You already liked me back then?” He chuckled. “You really didn’t know? I felt like I was constantly embarrassing myself in front of you.” You laughed, shaking your head. “That was the time when I was still in denial.” You sighed and looked at the picture again. “It’s going to be eight years since we’ve met soon.” Spencer pulled you closer to his side. “Feels like it was yesterday to me.”

“What happens when an FBI agent gets pregnant?” You laughed at Anna’s question. She had become very comfortable around you over the course of her internship, and you couldn’t even imagine her not being around anymore. “You have to ask JJ about the kids stuff.” “Do you not want children?” Her question took you off guard. Did you even want kids? Of course, right? You were successful in your job, had an amazing partner… how had you never thought of that? The whirlwind that had been your twenties and first years at the bureau was over, and the current calm after the storm seemed to be a good time to think about it. Anna disappeared to ask JJ some questions about being a mom working for the FBI and the day went on, but her question didn’t quite leave your thoughts. Even when her internship was over and she went back to university, her words still echoed through your head. The young girl seemed to have given you a new appreciation of your life and had especially caused some thoughts about adding more to it.

“(Y/N), are you okay?” You bolted up from your thoughts, eyes zoning back in on Spencer’s face. “Huh?” You hummed stupidly. He deadpanned at you. “First you’re not able to look anywhere but the witness’s baby bump, and just now you were looking at my nose for ten minutes straight. Is everything alright?” You chuckled nervously, tucking your hair behind your ears. You had been staring at your husband’s face without an explanation. “I, uh…” You looked around the jet, making sure that no one else was listening in on the two of you. “It’s embarrassing to talk about.” Spencer just sent you a look. “We’ve been married for years and worked together for even longer. I thought we had gotten past ‘embarrassing’ a long time ago.” He did have a point; you had been the one to hold a big speech to Anna about honesty. “I…”, you sighed. “I was thinking about how cute your nose is, and if our baby would get it if we were to have one.” Your words seemed to completely catch him off guard. For few moments he just looked at you in frozen shock. Then facts about genetics started spilling from his mouth. “Actually, up until this day scientists can’t predict what a baby will look like based on its parent’s dna, but the philtrum is around 62% likely to be inherited from the parents, the tip of the nose 66% even. Additionally, considering the fact that male genes are generally more aggressive than female, ones it’s actually quite likely that a child of mine would have my nose.” Upon seeing the look on your face, he grew quiet. “But… judging by your expression I’m starting to realise that that’s not really the answer you had in mind.” You smiled at him, feeling your cheeks grow hotter by the minute. “Not really, no.” He gave you a long look, then sighed. “Do you think we’re ready for that? I don’t know if I am.” You took his hand, squeezing it gently. “You would be an amazing dad, Spence. I don’t think anyone really has an idea what they’re getting themselves into when they decide to become parents. And yeah, I think we’re ready. I mean, we have stable incomes, an amazing support system… and I’m not really getting younger.” “Statistically, you’re still of great age to birth children.” He cut himself off and shook his head. “Okay, I heard it myself this time, this is making me nervous.” You pressed a long kiss to his hand. “Relax, my love. I’m not saying we have to get to it right away. I just know that that’s something I want now, and I wanted to talk to you about it.” He nodded. “Maybe it wouldn’t even be too bad if it happened soon. If it happens it happens, right?” You laughed incredulously, but then thought back to all the times Spencer had held the Team’s children with nothing but fascination and adoration in his eyes. Maybe he had been playing with the idea even before you. You watched his gaze space off into the void. “I have so many books to read.”, he said with an empty expression. You chuckled, looking at his nose again. He really had a cute nose. And it wouldn’t be too bad if your children inherited his eidetic memory, too, you guessed. While Spencer stared out of the window, probably trying to remember everything he had ever read about pregnancies and parenthood, you leaned back into your seat and closed your eyes. Whether you were going to get pregnant and be prepared for it or not, you had the best soulmate by your side you could wish for and there was nothing you didn’t trust the two of you to accomplish. You were so ready for the next challenge that was going to be baby Reid.

[pagingevilspawn]

Loving You Is A Losing Game- chapter four

hii! okay, before this chapter begins, i wanna say i’m actually pretty proud of it? idk why, but i am. and also, this book probably won’t be updated for about 2-4 weeks. 

i really wanted to focus this past week on writing, but i had finals to study for and everything so it took up a lot of time (i say as i watch criminal minds) but yeah, i’m hoping to get a lot of writing done in the next two weeks since today was my last day of school. yay! 

without further ado, chapter four of loving you is a losing game! 

~*~

"i'm afraid of what i am, my mind feels like a foreign land"

~*~

alex walked with robbins down the hallway, the blonde reciting her speech for the third time that day, looking to the resident for approval, her eyes silently asking him for any feedback he might have. she wasn't normally nervous about these kinds of things, but she felt that the fact that she was speaking to med students held a greater responsibility. these students were the future of medicine. they hadn't experienced the loss of a patient yet, or the crying sobs of parents when they had to be told that their child didn't make it.

the med students were... bright and shiny. they saw everybody in a higher place in their careers as practical gods. so, while she still had the chance, she wanted to root into all of these young minds that no matter what anyone said, peds was hardcore. it wasn't 'babysitting' like she had heard so many of the residents and interns call it.

peds was undoubtedly the hardest specialty. maybe not skill wise, but definitely emotionally. only the people with grit could survive peds. they worked on kids. maybe that meant that there was an everlasting sea of hope surrounding the patients, where they still were able to believe that the magic the doctors gave them could make them better.

but, it was known for a fact that losing a kid was worse than losing any grown adult.

a young life, taken from the word much too soon. it was cruel. so, so cruel. what had this young person done to have its life taken away? what about all the horrible people in the world who walked around free, living their lives? the rapists, the killers... why did they get to still be on the earth while a tiny human wasn't. it was messed up.

but that's why peds was tough.

because, while losing a kid was probably the worst feeling for a surgeon to go through, a success was so much more appreciated when it was one. the fact that they saved a person who had barely even got to live their life yet was the reason why arizona became a pediatric surgeon. because of what she was able to do, this person would get to grow up, fall in love, make bad choices, do things they knew for a fact they would regret later on. and that was truly all she could really ask for.

she was starting to see it in alex too, the peds glow. she didn't want to admit it out loud, for she knew that he would let the cocky part of him show and give her a well thought out retort. but lately, she'd been watching him, realizing that he was indeed serious about peds, that it wasn't just a lame middle school dare that he arranged with his fellow residents.

she saw the way his face would light up when a kid would say 'dr. alex!' so excitedly as he entered a room. she watched how he would spend time getting to know his patients, so that way they would have something to talk about later on if it was necessary. she was starting to see that maybe, just maybe, alex would make a fine peds surgeon.

"so..." she trails off, looking at the man expectantly, not missing the way he looked distracted as he kept his gaze on his feet.

he looks up, giving her a reassuring nod. "it's great robbins." he said sincerely, making her let out a relieved breath. she knew how honest karev could be, it was both a strength and a fault. he always told things as they were and didn't sugarcoat anything. if he thought something was crappy, he would literally tell you, "it's crappy," and that was something she appreciated.

she casts a worrying glance over him, his head hung low as the look in his eyes seemed to show that he was somewhere else. "you okay?" she asks.

he nods, snapping back to reality "yeah. just thinking."

"well, you know what you need to do right? you're like my assistant alex. click the computer's button when i need the next slide, interject when i ask you to..." she trails off, praying that he wouldn't mess this up.

alex gives her a signature glare, a bit offended that the blonde was doubting his abilities. "of course i can. a twelve year old could do it." he retorts.

she gives in, "fine." she walks down the hall faster, not even waiting for the man to catch up to her before she enters through the auditorium's doors, settling in the wings backstage.

it was a few minutes later when arizona is introduced, him trailing behind her like an obedient little puppy as she stands by the podium and microphone.

"hi everyone! i'm dr. arizona robbins from seattle grace hospital," she starts in a chipper voice, already managing to wake up most of the somehow tired students. "and this," says, pointing over to the man at her right, "is my mentee, dr. alex karev."

the man grins at the words, a sense of pride coming over him. the blonde and never used that term on him before and he wasn't going to lie, he really liked the sound of it.

"alex?" she nods towards him, telling him to introduce himself. he makes his way up to the mic, adjusting it slightly so it would reach him better, since the blonde was much shorter than him.

he takes a breath, trying to calm the nerves building in his stomach. he'd always been too cocky and arrogant for his own good, though it was all just an act. talking in front of all these wide eyed med students was honestly a bit terrifying. he pulls himself together quickly, mustering up one of his famous smirks as he looks into the crowd. "hey, i'm  dr. alex karev, third year surgical resident at seattle grace, interested in pediatrics. i train under dr. robbins." he explains (incredibly) lamely, but was glad it seemed to be enough, since all the students looked satisfied with his answer.

arizona takes the mic again, starting a speech that he had heard a few times by now, but it had never failed to give his heart another strong tug towards specializing in pediatrics. "peds is hardcore." she starts, using the phrase he had heard so many times in the last three months. "don't let anyone tell you otherwise." she smiles, looking back towards alex with a knowing look in her eyes.

"to most of the people in this room, when you think of peds, you think of kids with runny noses and cuts on their forehead because they fell off the slide at the park. am i right?" she asks, making most of the students in the audience nod.

"you see yourselves as being babysitters, babysitters for tiny humans. well let me tell you, you can't be further from the truth."

"in peds, we save the lives of children. we help kids grow up, achieve their dreams. sure along the way there's the added bits of magic and joy, but it's not always sunshine and rainbows." she says, not missing how some students look down guiltily. "some people immediately want to go into peds when they start their internship. they think that working with cute little kids would be so amazing and working with them would be a breeze, well, they're wrong.

"peds is only for the hardcore. the elites. many people aren't strong enough for peds. some can't deal with losing kids as easily as they thought they could. losing kids takes a major toll on you. we ask ourselves all the time -when we see stuff in the news or online- what did these kids do to deserve the hand they got? they're just kids. why did they get shot the jerk of a man who lives next door?"

it was only the start of her speech -that had multiple parts-, but alex knew she already had everyone hooked.

"losing kids is something you never get over. don't think that losing a kid gets easier every time it happens. in fact, sometimes it's just worse. because you feel guilty. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save this child. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save their life..." she pauses for a second, looking over at alex, letting him know it was his turn to speak. "and now i'm going to hand it over to doctor karev." he was still a bit newer to the world of surgery, so he remembered better what it was like to be a med student than she did.

alex takes a breath, going over the speech in his head. "losing a kid is nothing like losing an adult." he starts

"some of you think that it's the same, some of you think that it's drastically different. but the only real similarity is that someone didn't make it."

he scanned the crowd, proud at the fact that the audience seemed entranced by what he was saying.

"the first kid i lost i was in my fourth month of my internship. i had been on my third peds rotation, but hadn't had a loss yet, which is a bit surprising." he lets the memories flood through him, reliving it, feeling that pain in his heart.

"i remember the day like it was yesterday. i had a couple of free minutes -a major rare as an intern- so i lied down on a gurney, and started eating a bag of chips. a few minutes later i got paged to the trauma bay. it was a three car pile- up freeway. the first ambulance unloaded a woman, emily smith, a thirty three year old female, the second, james smith, a thirty five year old male, and the third was the one i took with my attending, four year old melissa smith."

he bites his bottom lip, knowing he had to be in control in his emotions. even three years later it still affected him the same way it did that day.

"melissa was a little chatter box, talking my ear off as we rolled her into a trauma room. talked about her dog named fluffy, her favorite barbie movie, -princess and the pauper-, and even told me about her new toy horse 'shiny sparkles mchoof the third'. don't know where she got "the third" from but..." he trials off, earning some laughs from the audience.

he smiles his crooked grin, feeling a little bit more at ease. "melissa was strong. real strong. she had a broken arm and leg, not to mention, a lot of internal bleeding, and yet she only shed a couple tears. she was too excited to talk about fluffy and how she taught him how to roll over earlier that week."

"i thought melissa was gonna be okay. i thought 'she's talking, she's laughing, she'll make it'. i learned that day that you can't assume things." he says, glancing down towards the podium for a quick second.

"melissa didn't survive surgery. my attending had me break the news to the parents, which i found stupid because i was just the intern who was supposed to send them updates, but i did it anyways."

alex lets out a shuddering breath, the students in the seats sitting at the edge of them, feeling the hurt of the story as if they were there themselves.

"telling family member's that their brother or mom or dad or whatever didn't survive already sucks. but telling a parent that their kid... their child didn't make it? it's terrifying." it still hurt him to this day. these children were their flesh and blood, products of their love for one another, how do you just simply tell them that the person they loved most in this world was gone?

"melissa fought during surgery. she fought tooth and nail, but unfortunately, it just wasn't enough. but how are you supposed to tell that to a parent? it's hard, because as a part of peds, you need to be good with parents as well."

he inhales sharply through his nose, letting a thin breath through his nose. "the cries i heard from the parents that day made me want to quit." he tells the crowd honestly, making them widen their eyes. "i'd lost patients before that and it hurt like hell. but the day i told the smith's that we lost melissa... it seriously made me question my idea of being a surgeon."

"losing a child is something you never get over, whether you're a parent like the smith's, or just a doctor like me and dr. robbins, losing a kid is not something you aren't able to just move on from, even if -like i said- you're just their doctor."

his eyes glance over the crowd, surprised to see tears in a few of the student eyes. 'that's a bit weird', he thinks. "i wasn't lying when i said that i questioned my career as a surgeon after melissa. i was seriously considering quitting."

"but after a while of brooding, i decided that i wasn't going to quit. if anything, i was going to try my hardest to make sure that kids like melissa wouldn't have to go through the same thing, that's when i got interested in peds actually, but the attending i had at the time was..." he makes a face, trying to refrain himself was saying 'dick', "not my favorite. so, it wasn't until more recently when i got the opportunity to explore pediatrics again."

he sucks in a breath, "all of you guys right now look terrified." he says, speaking the truth, everyone in their seats looked like a cross between they'd just seen a ghost and someone told them their dog had died. "and you're probably wondering why the hell i just said thing that would make you want to do the exact opposite then go into peds." alex says, causing the crowd to nod.

he chuckles softly, "well, all of you guys should be upset, you should be terrified, because that's what peds is. you're terrified every second of every day. but only the best, like dr. robbins, are truly able to handle that kind of pressure."

alex cracks a small grin, " so long story short... if you're a wuss, don't go into peds."  the audience laughs and starts to clap as arizona makes her way back to the podium, going into the next part of her speech.

____

they can feel their eyes on each other, the fires in their stomachs growing from the stolen, forbidden glances. it was so wrong of them to be thinking about the night before. wrong to feel like it was what they had been waiting their whole lives for.

how he touched her...

how she touched him...

they way their bodies melded so perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces seemingly snapping into place.

somehow along the way they had inched closer to each other, going from opposite sides of the room to a mere ten feet away. she sipped her nearly full vodka tonic slowly, a large comparison to the night before.

he drank his beer smoothly, only on his first bottle and not even halfway through it.

before they knew it their eyes were communicating, what could only be described as lust, desire, and wanting burning so intensely in them they could set a man on fire.

she reads his dark brown orbs, not even needing to look into them long before she knows what he's thinking, and she knows her eyes are reading the same thing too.

they can feel the guilt through their stares. they were trying so hard not to, resisting so fiercely. tugging themselves away from the pull that was trying to bring them together. they tried to put last night behind them, convince themselves it wasn't as breathtaking as they remembered. they tried to push it into their brains, tucking into a small sealed box in the corner to never be seen again.

lust

passion

romance

they feel it oozing from their bodies, pouring out of single a stare, no matter how hard they try not to. they try to tear their eyes away from each other, oh i promise you, they try to peel their eyes away, they try not to think about it.

he doesn't try to think of her silky skin and the way it smelled like vanilla.

she doesn't try to think of  the vibration he sent through her body then he groaned into her mouth.

but they just do.

he can't help the way he thought of her lips and how they tasted like a cherry red lollipop.

she can't help the way she thought about how his lips tasted like spearmint gum... so fresh, so god damn sexy.

they knew that they couldn't, that they shouldn't.

but the heart wants what the heart wants. and their heart? all their hearts wanted was for them to let the waves of pleasure flow through their body again, which only came from each other, nobody else.

nobody has made him feel the way she did. not the countless number of nurses, interns, coworkers, and previous classmates. not even his own wife.

nobody had ever made her feel the way he did. not any previous ex-boyfriends, not a couple random hot-as-fuck one night stands. not even her own husband.

so, somehow, without even knowing it, they ended up where they were now, an abandoned hallway on the seventh floor where he was staying, lips locked in the fiery throes of passion.

gasps escaped her lips heavily as she feels a wave of ecstasy roll over her, even more so than the night before. turns out kissing each other was even better sober than drunk.  

he tries his hardest to keep his groans at bay, but the way her hands are roaming his chest, just barely skimming his pants, makes it more than difficult.

before they are about to step into the room she pulls back unexpectedly, giving him a perfect view of her red swollen lips and slightly disheveled hair. "we shouldn't" she whispers softly, her eyes telling a completely different story than the words coming out of her mouth.

"we shouldn't" he agrees, his voice the same as hers.

"it's wrong."

"really wrong."

her eyes bore into his, trying so hard to pull away, but she can't, like some magnetic force is keeping her gaze from wandering anywhere but his deep brown and green eyes.

"we're married." she speaks, sigh falling from her lips heavily as she licks them, savoring the taste of them. they tasted like him.

"we're married." he repeats.

"to other people."

"to other people." he breathes, just the sound of his voice making her heart rate pick up.  

she lets out a loud sigh, fighting every internal battle. her head telling her it was wrong. but her heart telling her that nothing was more right. "screw it." she says so softly he almost misses it.

he doesn't even have time to comprehend her words before he feels her lips of his.

and that's how they came together for the second time, it being even more earth shattering than the last.

the first time they could blame it on the alcohol.

but the second time...?

the second time was all them.

[itsfalloutgirl]

Birds- Tenry/ Teddison Fic

Once, there was a woman that Teddy Altman loved, and was taken away from her. There was a man that she loved and lost too, but not before she had a chance to share her most secret story with him. Tenry/ Teddison. Teddy loved Henry so I decided to remember him, even though canon certainly won't.

Set right after Put Me In, Coach (season 8 episode 7). Rating is MT. Hope you enjoy!

read on ff.net- here read on AO3- here 

*******

It is funny how liquor can give you courage. 

Teddy knows she is not suddenly braver than she had been just a few hours ago, but she had had a few too many sips from the flask Grey brought to the field, and the substance (tequila, if she can guess, knowing the resident’s drink of choice) has worked like a magical drug. 

She is not drunk, just a little light-headed, and she is smiling into the kiss as Henry’s fingertips strike her lower back gently beneath her blue baseball jersey shirt. 

She has been meaning to tell him for a while now, meaning to poke around the one wound that never really healed properly, and as a doctor, she thinks never will. She never found the right time until today, the words almost rolling off of her tongue but then stopping just by her lips. Yet something about this night, this moment, feels somewhat final, and she is afraid that if she won’t speak tonight he will never know her story. 

So she takes a deep breath and all the boldness she can master before breaking the kiss and whispering “Henry”.

He hums in response to hearing his own name, his eyes still close and his forehead leaning against hers, and she can feel him trying to catch his breath. 

“There is something I need to tell you.” She opens her eyes as she feels the hand on her back stills and his warm body drifting just slightly away. 

Teddy can see every thought that courses through her husband’s mind in his deep green eyes. He is afraid that their happy little marriage bubble has finally popped, and that something horrible is on its way, something that might break them.

“Is everything OK?” He asks, trying to hide the little tremor in his voice, in a manner of a man who is used to getting more bad news than good ones. 

 “Every single thing is perfect.” Teddy reassures him, as she wraps her arms around his neck and her fingers slide into the hair on the back of his head. “There is something I need to share with you, and I am afraid that if I won’t say it now, I might keep it inside of me for the rest of my life.”

Henry nods, before interlacing their fingers and sitting on the couch behind him. 

“Not here” She whispers, pulling him up from the sofa. “Bedroom,” she orders “and take these off of us, slowly, please.” For some unknown reason, the idea of being naked as she unravels her truth makes her feel slightly more comfortable, like if they are both physically vulnerable , it will make her feel just a bit safer as she tells him the story she had never told to a living soul before. 

The surgeon closes her eyes as her husband does exactly as she asked him to. He guides her to their bedroom, where he slowly puts her down on the bed, as if she was some kind of a delicate princess. Their shoes and coats were already long gone, abandoned somewhere near the door of their brand new apartment, yet he takes his sweet time getting her undressed, and if she hadn't been the one asking him to do exactly so, she would have called it agonizing. 

First goes their shirts, then their pants and underwear, until they are both left lying in that bed, naked as the day they were born, nothing but their own skins between them, two souls wandering, clinging, desperate to be one. 

He lies half on top of her, his head rested on her naked abdomen, and with every breath she takes she feels the weight of him grounding her, reassuring her that she is safe and loved in a world that has been so lonely and cruel to her for so many years.  

Her hands start to wander down Henry’s body, and it is easier for her than to start speaking, for she knows that in the moment she will reopen that old scar, her blood will start shedding out of it. 

 “Teddy” there’s somewhat a warning to his voice. “If you want to talk before we do anything else, you need to keep those hands to yourself, otherwise we will do a lot of things that don’t involve much talking.” She smiles, as if she was a kid getting scolded for stealing a candy from the grocery store. 

She feels his weight lifting off of her, then she hears him say “Come here” as he leans against the headboard.

Now her head is resetting on his chest, as he coaxes her “ Please, tell me what is troubling that genius mind of yours. Whatever it is, I promise you I can handle it.” 

She feels his hands on her lower back again, painting an unknown pattern, and she frowns as she inquires “How is that a fair game? I wasn’t allowed to touch you but you get to have your way with me?” 

“Because I want to make sure that you know I am here, holding you, no matter what.” 

 They lie there, in their little silent bubble, for what feels like a small forever, before she finds it in herself to talk about the best and the worst time of her life. 

“Birds.” Teddy says softly, and a small smile is spreading across her face as the first tear rolls down her cheek. “That was the first thing I noticed when I first met Allison Robin Brown. I was looking down at a map as I was crossing the bicycle lane, and she was riding her bike, it was a too hot for the season fall day in 1998. I don’t even remember why I needed the map, I am a New York born and raised.”  

The tears are rolling down her face now, full steam ahead, and there is no trace left of that smile that appeared just a minute ago. She knows he can feel her tears on his body, so she props herself up on her elbows, looking deep into those loving green eyes, and she prays silently that he will continue to look at her the same way after she is done with her story. That he will still see her the same way he always did, ever since the moment they met in the surgical wing elevator.  

    “I looked up and said ‘get those birds out of my way, Pollyanna’ and then I noticed the army boots she was wearing and her floral dress. A frown that turned into a smile as our glances met, a set of big brown eyes and a head full of curly, messy hair. And I have never felt that way before when I looked at someone for the first time. It was like I was punched straight in the stomach, like someone physically robbed the air out of my lounges.” 

“This was the moment I fell in love with her, yet it took me so long to admit that to myself. And there hasn’t been a day since that I haven't thought, what would have happened if I had let myself love her, fully, unapologetically, just a day earlier.” 

She goes silent then, and when she looks at him, she figures she had done it once more. This gorgeous man, lying naked in her bed, had fallen in love with her the moment he laid eyes on her, and it took her so long to admit to herself, and to him, that she had fallen for him too.

Yet he says nothing, gives her the so needed breathing room, because they both know tonight is not about their relationship, but about a relationship left buried in the ashes of a national tragedy. “I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. And when she asked me to move in with her and her girlfriend, Clair, just a few days later, I couldn’t bring myself to say no, even though there was a little green monster raising its ugly head inside of me every time I saw them acting like a couple.”

“So I pushed that emotion down, and I convinced myself that we were just best friends, and that I thought Clair was just not good enough for her. That was obviously the furthest thing away from the truth. Clair was a surgeon, just like me, and she was kind and funny. Practically the perfect girlfriend.”

She goes silent again, just for a minute. It's not like she has to recall those events, she remembers them as vividly as if they had happened just yesterday, and probably will remember them long after she forgets her own name. 

She has met her fair share of people who lost their loved ones. She lost her own two parents, and she knows that memories of people you loved and lost fade. The sound of their voice, their smell, the color of their eyes. Time heals and earases. But not when it comes to Allison, never when it comes to Allison. Her regrets will never let her forget, even though forgetness might have numbed the pain pressing down on her chest, every minute of every hour of every day of every year since she had been taken away from her. 

Henry gives her an encouraging nod, and she continues. “Until one night I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I was jealous. And not just jealous of them having the perfect relationship while I was single. I was jealous of Clair going to sleep every night and waking up every morning in the bed of the woman I love. Clair was pulling an all nighter at the hospital that night, and I had to down two glasses of wine before gathering the courage to talk to my best friend, if you can believe that.”

Teddy smiles, then she feels the salty taste of her own tears in her mouth.

“I was the one going to sleep in Allison’s arms that night, and when we were lying there in her bed after we had sex for the first time… The only equivalent I can think about to that feeling would be using heroine, or something of that sort. So for a long time after, I lied to myself it was just the rush of sneaking behind everyone’s backs, the rush of exploring my sexuallity, the rush I felt when she did all those things to my body I didn’t even know were possible. I was so good at self manipulating at that time that I almost had myself fooled. I never managed to get Allison to believe me though, and she had never pushed. She would whisper into my ear that she loved me, but I couldn’t admit just how much I loved her back, not out loud and not even to myself.”

“Because you see, Henry, my love for you is like a ship finally finding a harbor. You are my safe haven. You make me so happy, and you make me feel secure and content. And I love you, with all of my heart and all of my soul. But when I finally let everything that kept me chained go, and let myself really fall in love with Allison, I finally understood why they call it falling in love. I felt, and still feel my love for her with my whole body. I feel my love for her in every one of my 206 bones. It physically hurts, even as she was still alive.

“Loving Allison Robbin Brown was a constant rush of adrenaline in my veins. I loved her to such an extreme, that I felt as if I was facing death everyday, and everyday I was winning. It felt like a stream of electricity rushing through my veins every time I was around her. I have never loved anyone, man or a woman, to such extent, never before, and never ever since. We had this pillowtalk, on September 10th 2001, and we promised ourselves that we would tell Clair the next day, and that we will start a life of our own, together. And on September 11th, 2001, I went to the hospital, and she went to work at the south tower. And it was a perfectly normal day, until it wasn’t anymore. What’s funny, you know, is that I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye. I had to get into the hospital early in that morning, and I didn’t want to wake her up and rob whatever was left of her sleeping hours.”

She notices her husband cries with her right now, big fat tears rolling down his eyes, and she loves him for that. She loves him for feeling everything so deeply, exactly as she does. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, rubbing the tears away from his face with the back of his hands. 

“Don’t be.” She pushes herself up his body, and places a soft kiss on Henry’s lips. “I want you to promise me you will never be sorry for whatever it is you are feeling.” She raises a brow, and waits for him to say the words she wants to hear.

“I promise.” He says, and she notices he still cries as she slides down the bed back to her place. 

“So when the city heard that loud and awful noise of the metal and concrete monster finally giving in at 9:59 AM on that Tuesday, I felt my heart giving in with it. I felt numb, but at the very same time I felt everything. Sad and confused, and so angry I saw the world in a fire-like shade of red. And when I realized I will never see her again, I was ready to go and be with her. I was ready to take my own life, and some of me is still there. I left a part of myself in that crappy New York City apartment, standing in front of the sink, sleeping pills that I stole from the hospital in my hand, ready to join the love of my life. I never took a single pill.”

“Suddenly, I had this crazy idea. I had to stay alive and avenge Allison’s death in the best way I could think of.I went and enlisted, and I was on my way to training the next day. I didn’t even stick around to attend her funeral. I never looked back, and I promised myself that I would never step foot in the city that was supposed to be my home, but failed me so badly and took the person I loved the most, the city that robbed me from everything I had.”

Teddy climbs up the bed again, and presses her lips to Henry’s. “I carried the weight of this story alone for ten years, and on some days, it felt like I was carrying the weight of the whole entire world on my shoulders. Until today. Thank you for listening, and loving me for who I am.”

She kisses him again, a bit more fire this time. He places a hand on her shoulder to push her back, just a little bit, just enough to allow him to talk. “You made me promise I would stop apologizing, so I just say thank you. Thank you for trusting me enough to share this story. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you.” 

“Henry” she sobs. “Can you please make me feel something else other than the paralyzing pain in my chest?”  

He nods, and then wraps her in his arms. 

They both cry as they make love that night, and if a different name slips out of her lips as she comes, the name of a woman she loves, forever frozen in time, well, he doesn’t say a thing about it, and neither does she.

[imaginesmai]

Ubbe-Heartbeat AU (2)

Plot: Ubbe is having a shitty day, and it’s not getting any better.

Life is unpredictable, and Ubbe knew that very well. His family had always been kind of a chaos, so had his life. A few girlfriends here and there but nothing serious, same with the jobs. He had always wanted to be a doctor, and now he was one; not only that, he also had an amazing girlfriend who loved him more than anything. But life is unpredictable, isn’t it?

Ubbe hated wednesdays. It was the day where he had to get up at five a.m. and work until night. That wednesday started well; he woke up with you tucked in his side, made coffee for two and left the house after kissing you softly. Last year had been amazing, and he couldn’t be more grateful for having you. Even with four brothers and a busy job, he had always thought that his life was dull; he was missing something just didn’t know what it was until he found you. Parking the blue truck in the hospital, he walked towards the main reception with a big goofy smile on his face.

-          Good morning Ubbe. -the receptionist, Grace, said.

-          Morning Grace. Got anything for me?

-          Nothing, just love sweetheart. -she said, laughing. Even if she was the oldest one there, she was the most energetic. -Can I ask about the reason of that lovely smile?

-          Oh, Y/N and I have been together for one year today. -Ubbe smiled, thinking about the surprise he was going to give you.

-          That’s wonderful! -Grace clapped while Ubbe put on his white rob. -It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. You can’t keep her to yourself! Bring her here someday.

-          As soon as I can Grace, I promise. -Ubbe laughed. -I’ve got to go, there is a package that will come today.

-          For Y/N? -Grace’s eyes lit up. -Can I see it first?

-          It’s wrapped, but I can tell you after lunch. -Ubbe said. -If I’m not here, make someone take it to my office.

-          Sure sweetheart. -she sighed. -I wish my Harald would be half as cute as you.

-          All of us have good things Grace. -Ubbe kissed her cheek and left. -See you! And don’t forget the package!

The package was a little thing that Ubbe had been wanting to get you for months. Apart for the big bouquet of flowers that he had left next to your bed that morning, he wanted to get something special to you. Ubbe felt that you were his luck, so he bought you a little necklace with your names on it. It was too soon to be engaged, even if he wanted to, but this necklace meant something more for him. You saw it a few months ago in the internet, and told him about it; since then, he started looking for it so he could give it to you. For him, it didn’t matter the money, as the necklace was made of gold. You were worth everything in the world.

-          Ubbe? -someone knocked on his door. -You in there?

-          Yeah, come in!

-          Hey man. -Alfred said, sitting in one of the chairs in front of him. -I’m so tired, really, I feel like if I lie down, I won’t get up ever.

-          Since when are you here? -Ubbe asked, watching his friend with a smile. -You look like shit.

-          Feel like it too. Since yesterday’s afternoon. I had to finish some paperwork, but I’m heading home now. Elsewith is a nightmare, so I try to avoid her as much as I can.

-          She is your wife dude. -Ubbe laughed.

-          Yeah, but I swear pregnancy has turned her into another person. -Alfred put his feet on Ubbe’s table. -She is bossy, angry and demanding all the time. She called Grace crying on Monday when I didn’t answer my phone. You want to know why? Because I left the fucking toilet lid up!

-          If I ever want children, I will just take one from the maternity ward. -Ubbe said.

-          Y/N and you good?

They kept talking for a while, from his relationship with Y/N to the rough shifts that the hospital chief was making them do. When Alfred was leaving, an old man with big glasses came through the door; the look on his friend’s eyes made him realise that his next patient would be a pain in the ass. The old man, Harry, told Ubbe that potatoes were making his heart have problems; not the cigarettes that he smoked or the alcohol he drank every day, but the potatoes. The doctor had given up on making him change his mind when his phone vibrated on his desk. Seeing your name on the screen and thinking you just got up, he declined the call and continued listening to that man madness.

As he had imagined, his day had been horrible. There were five more people behind Harry, all of them reluctant in taking advice from a young doctor like him. Ubbe couldn’t even have break for lunch time, seeing that the chief of the hospital, Dr. Aella, wanted him in his office. He was just an asshole who took the little free time Ubbe had because he wanted to. Walking towards the main door of the hospital, he checked for messages and saw two from his brother Hvitserk, one from Sigurd, ten or more from a panicking Alfred and three from you. Yours were just a simple good morning and take care, with a picture of yourself and Darcy, but for him were the best ones.

-          Ubbe! -Grace said when she saw the young doctor. -I sent Magnus for you an hour ago, where have you been?

-          I’ve not seen him. -Ubbe said, thinking about the nurse who he didn’t really liked. -Why? Is the package here?

-          No. -Grace sighed, and Ubbe noticed that everybody there was looking at him. -Why don’t we talk outside?

-          What’s going on? -he asked as he walked outside, feeling the last sun rays on his face. He didn’t want to be paranoid, but he had this sick feeling in his stomach.

-          Sweetheart, Y/N is here.

-          Is she? Why didn’t she come to see me?

-          She… -after a pause, Grace looked at him in the eye; she had little tears in her own. -Your neighbour called a few hours ago, saying that Darcy was barking like crazy. The ambulance found her unconscious in the kitchen.

-          Where is she? -Ubbe asked, and he had to put his hand against the wall so he didn’t fall.

-          She’s in the operating room right now, they don’t-

Grace didn’t get to finish her sentence, as Ubbe ran inside as soon as he heard operating room. He wanted to get angry at the pity stares that his mates where giving him in the way, or about the fact that none said a thing before. Yet the only thing he felt was worry and sadness; he knew that over the past few months you had gotten worse, and there wasn’t any heart near that could be compatible with your body. Those thoughts stopped when he arrived at the operating room, and got in ignoring his collages warnings.

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If he would ever be the chief of the hospital, Ubbe knew that the first thing he would change would be the hospitals rooms. They were cold, uncomfortable and made people want to jump out the window. He had been lucky. As Ubbe was a known doctor there, he got the bigger room, with two beds and a big window. There was a little TV on the corner, an individual bathroom next to the door and an extra pair of blankets for him in the bed. Grace had given him too some food and water, seeing that Ubbe wasn’t going to leave the room soon. She was even taking Darcy with her at nights.

It had passed two days since the accident, and you hadn’t woken up. Ubbe was sitting in a chair next to your bed, holding your cold hand. Athelstan, Alfred’s father, was the one to perform the surgery on you; and Ubbe was glad he did, he was a good surgeon. He told him that the meds weren’t working on you anymore, and the artery next to your heart had closed because of them. You had immediately become the number one person in the waiting list for a new heart, but Ubbe feared it would be too late. He heard someone coming in, and he looked up to find the blue eyes of his little brother.

-          Hvitserk. -he said surprised, getting up. -What are you doing here?

-          Hey bro. -Hvitserk greeted him, hugging his brother tightly. -I…Alfred called home, you know. He sounded pretty worried.

-          Yeah. It’s been a rough couple of days. -Ubbe sighed, looking towards your pale body.

Hvitserk hadn’t met you yet, and Ubbe regretted that. Not because he was seeing you at your worst, but because he wished he could present you properly to his little brother.

-          She’s pretty. -Hvitserk said. -I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, I was busy with the restaurant.

-          I didn’t expect you at all, so it’s fine. I’m glad you are here.

-          So, what are her odds? -he asked, sitting on the other bed.

-          She needs a new heart now. -Ubbe sighed. -Athelstan says that I should be optimistic, but it’s been a year since she asked for one.

-          Hey, it’s going to be alright. -Hvitserk smiled. -You’re the best doctor here, you’re not going to let her die.

-          I don’t know. Maybe this is my fault, I told her that the transplant was the better option. If she would have changed the meds-

-          What you are saying is shit. -his little brother said. -You did what was the best for Y/N, Ubbe. And you know it. Now you just have to wait by her side.

Hvitserk’s word did not calm his mind, neither made his guilt disappear. The first time he saw you after you were operated, Alfred had to take him away so he could breathe. Seeing you there, laying with tubes in your arms and down your throat, made him want to hide and cry in a corner. The only thing that prevented him from losing his mind was the gold necklace he had wrapped in his hand and the promise of giving it to you once you were better.

It turned out that is brother presence made him good. His little brother took him out of the room, earning a punch in the way, and ate with him in his uncle Rollo’s burger place. They went to his house and, after a proper night of sleep, Hvitserk put Ubbe in the shower and packed him a bag with all the necessary to stay in the hospital. Visiting hours didn’t apply to the doctor, so he made a little camp in your room, where he could work and sleep. Darcy stayed with Hvitserk at Ubbe’s house, and he took upon himself to have the house clean for the returning of the pair. And you, still, didn’t wake up. Connected to a machine and with a tube down your throat, you laid in the hospital bed, waiting for a new heart each day while your boyfriend gripped harder the little gold necklace.

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Monday came by and Ubbe was sitting in the chair next to your bed. There was a big bouquet of flowers next to him from Astrid, some ugly balloons from Alfred and Elsewith, and two burger envelopes from Hvitserk. It was afternoon when he heard the first noise. Ubbe was trying to fill a patient file, so he ignored until he heard it again. He thought it was coming from the vent hole or the window, as it was as soft as a breeze. But when he looked at your bed, he saw you trying to get the tube out of your throat. Throwing the files to the ground, he got closer and helped you to take it out with shaky hands and teary eyes. He waited by your side for a few seconds in silence, stroking your cheek softly while you caught your breath.

-          Y/N. -he said quietly. -How are you feeling darling?

-          Tired. -you whispered, offering him a small smile and kissing the hand that was stroking your cheek. -I don’t remember much.

-          The neighbour called the ambulance because Darcy was barking like crazy and you didn’t answer the door. He must had seen you from his window, you were unconscious in the kitchen when they found you.

-          She’s a good girl. -you said.

-          Thank god she is, yeah. Alfred’s father had to perform emergency surgery on you, as your heart artery was closed. They made it in time, but your heart is weak. -Ubbe said, feeling like he was disappointing you by not being able to do anything. -You are the first one in the waiting list for a new heart.

-          That’s good. -you smiled, seeing his guilty stare. -You know, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.

-          I could had been home Y/N.

-          And what? I’m alive, Ubbe, and thanks to you the transplant department already know my case and they don’t have to run the test again. -after understanding he wasn’t going to talk, you sighed. -Can we go home?

-          I’m sorry, darling, it’s better if you stay here until you get the transplant. -Ubbe leaned down, kissing your cold lips slowly.

You smiled into the kiss, moving your hand with the tube in it to his neck to push him closer to you. Ubbe felt like it had been too long since he kissed you and, even he should have called Athelstan to tell him you were awake, he let the kiss keep going for a little longer. Soon you had to part, feeling again like your heart couldn’t pump enough oxygen into your body. Ubbe sat in the bed with you, returning his hand to your cheek.

-          What a shitty anniversary. -Ubbe said, feeling the weight of the necklace in the back of his trousers.

-          What day is it?

-          Monday, you’ve been here for six days.

-          I wanted to make you a special dinner. -you said, thinking about all the things you bought for him. -Now I will have to throw away everything.

-          Hvitserk has probably eaten it, don’t worry. -Ubbe smiled.

-          Your brother is here? -you tried to get up. -Oh god, I can’t let him see me like this Ubbe. What will he think about me? Do I have clothes here? I want to meet him as soon as I can.

-          Darling stop. -Ubbe tried to stop you laughing. -He has been here before, since Friday.

-          What? -your eyes went wide. -Ubbe, I wanted to make a good first impression! Is he still here?

-          You are always beautiful Y/N, and he doesn’t care. -he kissed your lips again. -I’m going to call Athelstan, don’t move.

With that, Ubbe ran towards the first floor to the get the experienced doctor. A week passed by and you didn’t get better. There were times when you couldn’t even talk, or when you slept until Ubbe got worried that you weren’t going to wake up. His doctor friends were optimistic in finding a new heart, but he knew the true; at the university they taught them that, to be always positive and to never think a patient is a lost cause.

-          Ubbe. -he lifted his head to find your half-closed eyes looking at him.

-          Yeah darling?

-          Can you come here? -Ubbe hesitated for a second. He didn’t want to treat you like a porcelain doll, yet you were weak and he feared he might hurt you. -Please. I just want you to hold me.

He smiled softly, knowing that sooner or later he would go to your bed. You could ask him the world that he would get his way to give it to you. Leaving the papers on the table, he got up and walked towards your bed. You took your tubs out of the way, and when your boyfriend was settled laid in his chest. It was silent for a few seconds until he talked again.

-          I wanted to take you somewhere special.

-          When?

-          For our anniversary. -Ubbe said, running his hand down your arm. -I hadn’t planned anything yet, but I asked for free days to Aella.

-          We can still go. -you said quietly.

-          I was thinking about Spain. -he smiled. -You know, nice weather and big beaches.

-          That would be perfect. -after a while, you spoke again. -Ubbe… if, by chance, it doesn’t arrive on time-

-          Darling it’s going to be alright. -Ubbe interrupted you.

-          But if-

-          Y/N, we are not talking about this.

-          Ubbe. -you said, and he looked down at you, knowing it was the time. -I just want you to know that I love you. A lot.

Tears filled your eyes when you thought about the handsome doctor. In only one year, he had proved you to be an amazing boyfriend and even a better person. Your whole life had been determinate by your heart problem, and everyone had treated you with pity; but Ubbe, he treated you with love and care. And you were extremely grateful for it.

-          I love you too darling. -Ubbe said, and it was the first time you both said the l word. -You are going to be fine, I promise. Even if I have to get that heart myself.

-          I’m so scared Ubbe. -you said, feeling him hugging you closer. -I don’t want this to end, I’m so happy with you.

-          I love you. -Ubbe felt his own tears in his eyes, wishing that he could take your pain away.

It was like that for nearly half an hour, Ubbe saying sweet nothings to your ear and you gripping him like a life-boat. Visiting hours were near, and that meant that your family would probably be there. So, that left Ubbe out of the picture for a while. Just when he was going to get up and leave the room, the door was kicked open and a sweaty Alfred entered, followed by an even more tired Hvitserk. While his little brother bent over the wall trying to catch his breath, the doctor could get out a few words.

-          It’s here. They’ve got a new heart here.

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Life is unexpected. Ubbe learned that the day he was born, and life reminded him the day he almost lost you. After they got you asleep and prepared the operating room, the most difficult part started. He was there, and he saw how Athelstan fought for your life three times; when there wasn’t enough oxygen to keep your body going, when one of the arteries collapsed and when the new heart caused some complications in your circulatory system. Ubbe really thought he was going to lose the best thing in his life, but the transplant went well and soon you were home with him.

Years passed by and your heart problems disappeared, along with everything bad in your life; you had children with Ubbe, four of them, and moved outside the city towards a little village. Your life was peaceful along with your husband. And yeah, you died at seventy due to a heart attack; but every second until your death, your heart beat for your handsome doctor.

Tags:

@poisonous00

[meredithkristengrey]

Drabble #1 - Alzhimers is Terrible.

The sound of Meredith’s phone had rung. It was an unknown caller. Normally, answering unknown numbers wasn’t Meredith Grey’s thing to do, but for some reason, down in Meredith’s gut, she could feel something was going on. Could it be her mother who possibly gotten a new phone? No, it couldn’t be. Ellis Grey, the Seattle Grace famous and best surgeon couldn’t even spend a second out of her time of the day to pick up her phone to call her own daughter to see what is going on with her. All Ellis Grey could possibly care about was cutting people open. Meredith wasn’t sure why that was, even if Meredith was in medical school. Honestly, Meredith didn’t. All Meredith cut into at the moment was animals. She just had graduated from medical school and now all she had to do was get accepted at one of the hospitals she applied to so she could feel what her mother feels. Cutting into people. How great is that anyway? Slicing someone open and seeing all the blood? Cutting into animals wasn’t too thrilling so what makes cutting into people makes it any more different? She could always pick up the phone and ask Ellis about it, but if she did, Ellis would just push her away because apparently she didn’t have time for her own daughter. There were much more other things important than Meredith Grey. More important things such as lives in stake. People dying. When Meredith was a kid, all she wanted was her mother’s attention, but now? Not anymore. Especially since right before when she left for Medical school, Ellis and Meredith had a huge fight over something that probably wasn’t memorable anymore.

Picking up the phone, there was a voice on the other end. A voice that introduced herself to be working at Roseridge Home for Extended Care. “Why would they be calling?” Meredith thought to herself. That was until she heard that Ellis Grey, her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and they wanted Meredith to come back to Seattle to care for her mother. To make all of Ellis’s medical decisions for her. Honestly, Meredith wasn’t sure what she was going to do now. She wanted to help her mother because well, Ellis Grey was Meredith’s mother, but with everything that had happened between them, with their relationship not being the way how Meredith would has wished it was, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to help her mother out. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to take care of her. Just asking a stranger to take care of her mother was probably the best thing Meredith could think of, but is Meredith really that careless? Thatcher Grey, Meredith’s father was no longer in the picture so she couldn’t ask her father. She couldn’t just go up to her father after twenty years of not seeing him. Twenty years of him abandoning her and her mother just to tell him that Ellis has Alzheimer’s and to see if he could take care of her because he once loved Ellis. No, Meredith couldn’t do that. Ellis Grey had no one else other than Meredith. Meredith was the only family Ellis had left, despite the relationship they currently have. Even if they weren’t currently in talking terms.

“Um, yes. I’ll be there in the morning,” The young blonde has said over the phone and then hung up on the lady. Putting her cell phone into Meredith’s pocket, she had to go find her best friend Sadie Harris, someone who Meredith has been partying and went to medical school with. She could tell already that Sadie won’t be too happy that Meredith had to leave only because Meredith promised her that they could party as much as they wanted before they get accepted at any of the hospitals they have applied to. And not just that, they just arrived to Europe so they haven’t really traveled that much to see what Europe looks like. Finding her best friend, she had started to break the news to her. “Die, I have to go back to Seattle,” The blonde paused. “I can’t explain why, I just have to go.” Meredith told her friend. From there, the two had fought over why Meredith was leaving and that she couldn’t break her promise she had made to Sadie. Meredith didn’t plan for any of this to happen. For her mother to get Alzheimer’s where she has to leave her best friend behind just so she can go back to Seattle to take care of her mother. Meredith could always just explain why she was leaving just to get Sadie to understand, but Meredith wasn’t really an open kind of person and she wanted to keep her mother’s Alzheimer’s a secret just until she had a chance to talk to her. Ellis Grey was also private and she knew her mother wouldn’t want Meredith to tell other people what’s going on with her without her mother’s permission.

As Meredith picked up her bags and just about to walk out of their motel room, Meredith heard Sadie’s voice. “Death, if you’re leaving, then we’re done being friends. You’re breaking your promise and friends don’t do that to each other!” Sadie told Meredith is a furious voice. Stopping her feet, Meredith turned around and faced her friend. “Die, I have to. If you know why I’m doing this, you would understand, but I can’t! I have to go now.” Meredith turned around again and walked out of the motel room. Meredith checked out then headed over to the airport. She haven’t bought a ticket a head of time, which is probably what she should have done, but she told the them it was a late minute thing and it was an emergency. She had to go back to Seattle and she promised the person who she had spoken to over the phone, she would be there in the morning. Luckily, there was a few extra spots emptied to go to Seattle, it must have been Meredith’s lucky day or that someone just knew Meredith had to be in Seattle as soon as possible. Once getting her ticket, Meredith gave them her luggage so they can put it on the plane for her and when it was time to abroad the plane, she found her seat, sat in it and waited for the plane to take off. While waiting, Meredith didn’t know why she was doing this for someone who never wanted a daughter in the first place, but she was just being the bigger person here. No matter how much Ellis never wanted Meredith, Meredith still cared for her mother. Why? Because she was her mother. And deep down inside, Meredith knew Ellis cared for Meredith. Ellis was never there for Meredith, but they did have some kind of a mother and daughter bond.

After an eleven hour flight, Meredith got off the plane, got her stuff and headed to her mothers house. Ellis Grey wasn’t there and she didn’t want to spend more money to get a hotel room. Her mother would have just told her to stay at the house anyway. About an hour drive from the airport to her mothers house, Meredith parked into the drive way and turned off her car. Sitting there, staring at her childhood home, memories had come to her. Where she grew up, done some homework, spent time with her father for the little time she had with him, and even the time where her mother cut her own wrists because she was so desperate that Richard had left her for his wife. Getting out of the car, Meredith grabbed her bags, walked to the front door and unlocked it. Opening it up, Meredith walked inside the house and looked around after placing her bags down. Everything seems to be the way how it was when Meredith left for Medical school. Not a single thing has changed. A few dust here and there, but that’s only because Ellis doesn’t have time to clean only because she spent most of her time in the hospital cutting people open. Doing what Ellis does best. Meredith has decided she would just leave her stuff where it was currently just so she could see her mother. But before she goes anywhere, Meredith needed to take a shower. She needed to get the plane smell off her and to smell fresh. Grabbing the clothes Meredith needed, she walked upstairs to the bathroom and undressed herself, hoping into the shower. It was like Meredith never left, everything was still in place, and the only thing Meredith found weird about is that how quiet the house was. Of course Ellis was never home so the house was always quiet, but this quietness seemed different. It was like Meredith knew Ellis wasn’t coming home. It wasn’t like her mother would just walk into the house in a few seconds, yelling out Meredith’s name to tell her she’s home.

An hour had went by of showering and driving over to the Roseridge Home, Meredith got out of the car and headed inside the building. Looking around, she haven’t seen her mother sitting on one of the chairs. Taking a deep breath, Meredith walked over to the receptionist. “Hi, I’m Meredith Grey. I received a call yesterday about my mother, Ellis Grey.” Meredith introduced herself. “Yes, we’ve been waiting for you.” The lady had told Meredith as she continued talking. “Your mother has been too. She has been forgotten some things, but at least she remembers you still.” The lady told Meredith. “Where is she? Who is currently taking care of her here?” Meredith asked. Meredith didn’t want to ask too much questions, but she felt like she had to ask. She needed to know who is currently taking care of her mother and who is her doctor so she could get more information on how advanced her mother’s diagnoses is. Although, if Ellis Grey still remembers her daughter, it probably wasn’t that advanced. Meredith just needed time with her mother before it gets really bad. Before she forgets who her daughter was and for the only way for Meredith to find out is to talk to the doctor who diagnosed Ellis Grey. If Meredith just walked in and Ellis didn’t know who Meredith was, she wasn’t sure how she would feel. About her own mother not recognizing her own daughter. It probably would heart break Meredith to see Ellis like that. Meredith knew Alzheimer’s was a horrible disease, but she has never dealt with it until now, until she had found out her mother has it. “Her doctor is currently here today. I’ll go let him know you’re here. If you want to see your mother, she’s currently in the den.” The receptionist got up and showed where Ellis Grey was before walking away to find Ellis’s doctor. Meredith stood there, watching her mother. Her mother was currently sitting in front of the window, looking outside.

About five minutes later, Ellis’s doctor had showed up and talked to Meredith privately about Ellis. It seemed like from what the doctor had told Meredith, today was good for Ellis. Most of Ellis’s memories were there but she didn’t want to leave because she had a feeling it would be worse. Being there at Roseridge Home was Ellis’s choice. And before anything got worse, Ellis wanted to speak to Meredith, which is why she had the nurse to call Meredith and to tell her to come back to Seattle. “Thank you.” Meredith told the doctor and walked over to her mother. “Mom?” Meredith said to her mother, waiting for her to answer back. “Oh Meredith! You’re here! We need to talk.” Ellis told Meredith as she continued. “First off, I need you to promise me something. I need you not to tell anyone about me. About that I have Alzheimer’s. You have to promise me that, okay?” Ellis told Meredith as she got up from the chair and walked over to Meredith, taking her hands in her hands. "Why would I tell anyone about the Alzheimer?" Meredith asked herself in thought. Or better yet, why didn’t Ellis wanted Meredith to tell anyone? Is it because Ellis feels embarrassed about the disease? It could also be because Ellis didn’t want Meredith to be embarrassed by it. But there was no way Ellis would think about her daughter. About her being embarrassed. If anything, Ellis wanted Meredith to keep it a secret because she didn’t want anyone to know about the horrible disease. If anything, she would rather have everyone to think that she’s traveling the world and writing a book, which people would never see a book from Ellis Grey in the future.

After an hour of catching up, out of nowhere, Ellis started to lose more of her memories again. This time it was the existence of Meredith Grey. Ellis Grey didn’t remember who Meredith was anymore, her own daughter. Seeing her mother like that was hard on her. She had to remind her mother who she was. It looked like when Meredith told Ellis who she was, she was a bit confused. It was like Meredith never existed in her life. It hurt Meredith because she had all of these memories about her mother, she knows who her mother was, but Ellis Grey didn’t remember a thing about Meredith. All she thought was that Meredith was probably a stranger to her or that she was some sort of friend. And at this point, Meredith wasn’t too sure what she wanted to do. She did apply at Seattle Grace Hospital when she graduated from medical school so she hoped that she would get in there. It was the hospital that Ellis worked at before being diagnosed. And if she was to get in there, it would make it easier on Meredith because she would be close to her mother still and she could care for her mother the best she could. The one thing Meredith had to do is to sell her mother’s house. Of course there were lots of memories she had of that house, but she didn’t want to remember about the incident that her Ellis tried to kill herself in the kitchen and begging Meredith not to call 911 when she was about five years old. But she wasn’t too sure. She can either sell the place and find a place of her own or she could just stay and live in it, hoping that there would be a miracle where her mother would come back and be cured from Alzheimers. This alzhimers disease was just too new for Meredith and she just needed time to figure out what to do. The blonde just need to get a job first before figuring out what she was going to do about her living situation. It wasn’t like she didn’t have anywhere to live. A perfect home that was emptied and belonged to Ellis Grey, who possibly won’t ever use the house ever again. It was at least free for a few nights at least just until Meredith decides if she should take over the ownership to the house or not.

[neverendingparable]

The Aftermath - 4.09.17

It was quiet in his Office, as usual. It was how Jonathan liked his Office, actually, occasional loneliness aside.

He’d rather have it peaceful and quiet, than riddled with employees who knock things over, make noises in the Lounge or get roped into public displays of affection with no sense of decency for the others; so in a way, he did consider himself lucky to be alone here with only one other guest.

Augustin wasn’t unnecessarily noisy; he even made a good conversation partner every now and then.

And when it got too quiet and Jonathan wished to take his mind off his scripts, he’d visit the Athenaeum.

It was ironic, how the former lair of a woman who had caused so much havoc this year could be so peaceful. The connected rooms were bright white, filled with endless shelves of books about languages and artworks.

There were large potted plants in corners and the marble fountain bubbled on happily, uncaring that its owner had abandoned them.

And then there were paintings of every employee, Narrator, and visitor in the collective Offices, some drawn with their lovers, others drawn with blood on their fists and clothes, coming back from a fight.

In the middle of the room, a self portrait of Maelle. Its eyes glowed even in the brightly lit space as it surveyed its surroundings, pleased.

Maybe he was too sentimental about the delusions of her past self he had thought to know. After all, seeing from a human’s point of view, Maelle had always been insane; even as a child talking about things children shouldn’t be interested in, not batting an eye at a mountain of rotting corpses in the woods.

She had always said he was too soft to deal with reality, but Jonathan guessed they had very different ideas of what was considered normal.

Still, mass murderer, psychopathic wanna be goddess aside, she was still his friend and he enjoyed spending quiet mornings in these rooms, sipping his coffee and reading her old books.

The Athenaeum had become sacred in its own way for him.  

He was enjoying his coffee with a dose of Maelle’s paintings, lost in his memories of her, when an odd shuffle pulled him out of his thoughts.

Jonathan sighed.

“Employees are not allowed in here,” He said, not bothering to turn. “Augustin, if that’s you, I’d like you to wait outside.”

There was silence at first, and then a heavy thud.

The Narrator frowned and turned towards the source. “Didn’t I say-”

He froze cold.

In the middle of the room was a bloody trail, leading to the grand self portrait of Maelle and underneath it, a disheveled, grief stricken Alice.

She was clad in the white surgeon’s outfit Jonathan recognized from countless books, only it wasn’t white anymore, now smeared with blood and dirt. Her hair and skin was coated with the same filth, but she didn’t seem to care as she clutched the dirty bundle of her nurse’s apron to her chest.

Alice was muttering silently to herself, disregarding the other completely. She appeared on the verge of some sort of breakdown, which scared Jonathan almost as much as the state she was in.

He waved his coffee away and hurried to her, fearing the worst.

“Alice?”

The Acolyte flinched at his voice. She hugged herself tighter and looked up at him, seemingly startled.

Jonathan kneeled next to her, trying to determine whether some of that blood was hers and if she was injured. At that point keeping his hands busy was the only thing he could do to distract himself from the horrible sense of dread threatening to drown him.

“Are you injured?”

Alice drew away from him immediately, clutching her apron tighter.

“Don’t.” Her voice was raw from exhaustion.

Jonathan pulled back. There was a moment of silence between the two, with only the fountain’s continued babble in the background, until he resigned and started to ask the question he didn’t want the answer to.

“What happened to Maelle? Is-…is she-”

“God- fuck-” Alice’s voice nearly cracked in a sob. She buried her face into the apron. “I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked everything up, everything is ruined. I lost her and- and it’s all my fucking fault-”

“….” Jonathan sat next to her and stared blankly at the wall.

He thought the shock of it all would take away his ability to grieve but everything rushed at him at once.

Anger, at the turn of events, at Maelle for leaving him to pursue her selfish dreams, at Dmitri for infecting her; hope that there might some way to get her back, but that was all ruined with realization that they should be celebrating.

A merciless tyrant was dead. For the sake of the good of all the employees in here, they should leave it be.

So, grief was what was left and it settled in comfortably in his bones, ready to strangle him completely- until he was made aware of Alice’s mumble, still droning on beside him.

“Don’t- don’t tell her I was here. Don’t, please don’t. She can’t find out, she can’t know about this, she’ll abandon me. She- she’ll hate me-”

Jonathan blinked, dumbfounded. “Who?”

“….my Goddess.”

“Maelle?” Confusion replaced his grief abruptly. “Maelle- she’s alive after all?”

Alice shot him a tired look. “Yes, of course. She’s…just…resting after-….”

“After what?”

The Acolyte sighed heavily. Reluctantly she sat up and placed her crumpled apron into her lap. Her panic had faded a bit now, she just seemed exhausted.

“Ms Maelle had concluded it was best if we were all kept in the dark- about…her condition.” She began wearily.

“Including me- in case someone found out and would used her weakness against her. She only told me yesterday, before the- the thing, what had been going on with her body this past month."

"From what I understand she had been infected by Von Diamongal and it was slowly killing her." Jon said, sitting so he was facing her. His confusion still swirled around his mind, but he forced himself to listen.

"I suppose half of that is true. Yes, she had been infected and it was hellish to get it out of her system. She would've managed too, if she hadn't been in the middle of dying." Alice added indignantly, like she felt the urge to still justify her Goddess to the Offices.

"I was led to believe she was dying because of the infection, Alice." Jonathan ignored her hostile undertones.

"No. A stupid little mutant isn't going to take my Mistress down. But even then, the infections were interfering with her plans and- she got too annoyed to deal with it. So she tried one last thing and...it…it worked."

Jonathan frowned at the way she said it. He knew there would be a catch, of course, with Maelle, there always was.

"What was the cure?"

“……” Alice slumped. Wordlessly, she opened the bundle on her lap.

Jon’s eyes widened. “…you can’t be serious.”

“She’s brilliant.”

“Alice-”

“Honestly-” Alice’s eyes sparkled with bitterness. “Why fight the infection when you can simply steer it into an unwanted part of yours, one that’ll soon no longer be attached to your body anyway?”

With utter shock, Jonathan stared down at the sleeping infant wrapped in Alice’s bloodied apron. It was too big for its age, too big for a newborn, since it couldn’t have been more than the equivalent of a week or two if it were birthed properly.

Its dark red skin was covered in painful sores and blisters from the inherited disease, and Jonathan would’ve mistaken it for a stillborn because no infant comes to the world looking like that, but its tiny hand curled weakly around nothing from time to time.

The Narrator took a moment to gather himself; drew in a breath and asked, “What does she plan to do with it?”

“Nothing. It’s supposed to be dead.” Alice glanced down at the child with an expression he couldn’t read. “She told me to kill it, but- but I didn’t. Because I couldn’t. I can’t- I can’t kill this kid, Jon. I-”

She shuddered.

After a moment of pause, Jonathan had made up his mind. He got to his feet and hauled Alice up. She didn't struggle against him, her stare fixed on the child in her arms.

"Where is Maelle now?" Jonathan urged. "Is she looking for you?"

"I don’t-

"Actually, save it. We have to get you and the child to safety and this place is not protected against Maelle. …I think I know where to take you."

He placed his hand on her shoulder and teleported them away, to Bradley's Office.

[doonedoris]

My lovely lady lumps

I found my lump by accident. Got into bed just before new year, turned onto my side and felt a strange pain in my boob. As I grabbed myself, there it was; not very big, about the size of a kidney bean, long and flat. At this point, I wasn’t horrendously worried. Kieron could just about feel it and I thought it would just be a gland or something and that I’d go to the doctors and feel a bit silly. But, there was enough doubt in my mind (because I knew my body and hadn’t felt anything like it there before) to make me suck it up and make that GP appointment as soon as they reopened after the new year break.

The GP referred me immediately to the hospital and I had my consultants appointment within seven days. I was sent for scans and when the consultant sat on the side of my bed and took my hand in hers, I knew. My world turned upside down in seconds and the worst part was that Kieron sat in the waiting area, completely unaware and I was going to have to break his world apart too.

They took biopsies and told me that it would take another week for lab tests to confirm Doris, but that in their professional opinion, I should prepare for the worst. At this point, only Kieron and myself knew, we hadn’t told a soul as it had seemed silly to worry anyone unnecessarily. In the car on the way home, we made the decision that waiting another week to share the news with family and friends would be excruciating and we needed some support.

I can’t really describe how awful it is, knowing you are about to hurt someone, because this is the thing; Doris wasn’t just happening to me. Finding the words is awful, they just seem so inadequate and the guilt you feel putting your loved ones through that is crippling. Telling our parents and siblings was so hard; the people in your life who try to make everything ok and are suddenly helpless to do anything. Telling friends was horrible; realising fully for the first time, just how much people care. But the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life, was to tell my beautiful boys. To see the fear and confusion on their otherwise gorgeous faces, is a memory I so wish I could erase.

Doris was confirmed a week later. I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) in two separate areas. I had no option but to have a full mastectomy.

Something I didn’t expect, was how Doris would cause another war; one within me, where my brain and my emotions seem to at times go down completely different paths. Losing my breast wasn’t a big deal, I wanted it gone. I was offered reconstruction and didn’t want this either. I didn’t want to put my body through more surgery and reintroduce tissue to an area under siege (even if it would probably be ok). I was most concerned about looking wonky, hence my request for them to take the other one off too! So right up to coming out of surgery, I was fine. I was one hundred percent sure of my decision and I still am. But accepting the new landscape of my chest has been a bit tougher than I’d anticipated. It just looks strange and initially I had wobbly moments, when leaving the house, because I looked strange under my clothes. Until this point, I’d never really considered how much I cared what other people thought when they looked at me. Leaving hospital I’d been given a fake boob called a softie to slip inside my crop top (I was still too sore to wear a bra) and whilst it was comfortable against my raw skin, the weight difference between my right boob and the softie, made some interesting shapes up front! All too often, the softie ended up somewhere in the centre of my chest, near my chin, creating an interesting silhouette. Thankfully I now have a silicone prosthetic and a pocketed bra, so you would now never know from looking at my clothes, that I’m lopsided.

I’m told my scar is excellent and that the surgeon did an amazing job. It is pretty straight and neat. What I hadn’t expected though was how the tissue to the side of my underarm would look (slightly puffed out) and that my ribs would suddenly appear, jutting out from below. I had cord scarring under the surface of my skin, from where the surgeon had tunnelled through to take lymph node biopsies and my underarm was unbelievably sore.

Over the past six weeks, I’ve been healing up pretty well, but did have concerns about how sore my underarm was, especially as I could feel a small lump. I assumed it was lymph node trauma, but thankfully, mentioned it to my oncologist last week at my pre-chemo assessment and now there’s another slight lump in the road.

Yesterday, whilst coping with the lethargy of just having my first chemo dose, I went back up to the hospital for a scan to check if it was indeed scarring, or something else. Unfortunately, it is something else; a cyst. Now, hopefully it will turn out to be a plain old harmless cyst, but because of Doris, tests need to be taken to make sure; and there’s the complication. Having just had chemo, the risk of infection from putting a needle in, is high and isn’t one I want to take lightly. So, it looks like I’m going to have to play the waiting game yet again and employ those Jedi mind tricks. The scans have been referred to the Multi-Disciplinary Team Meeting and I won’t know what the team of consultants looking after me want to do, until at least next Tuesday. Fingers crossed, this time Lady Luck is going to be on my side.

[cosmosogler]

phew.

i got up at around 6 this morning to go to the radiologist’s office. i saw the bus waiting at the stop, it was just sitting there, so i hustled over. it started pulling out as i got about 20 feet away from it, so i ran and waved my arms. it drove away without me. i was so frustrated and tired already i started hiccuping. i had to wait out in the 0-degree cold for 20 minutes for the next bus.

then the taxi was 15 minutes late. i barely made it to my appointment in time. so that was an hour of travel time. the nurse took me to the back room and rubbed goo all over my front and sides and started doing the imaging. it hurt, like, a lot. she kept asking me to take deep breaths and hold them and i had to bite my lip to keep from gasping. the only place it didn’t hurt was right under my sternum, which was fortunately where she spent the most time. 

the appointment took 20 minutes. i told the nurse i was vomiting and had a horrible headache and she said they might not be related, and that the radiologist would have the results for the doctors at the health center in three business days. that puts me out of commission for thursday, friday, AND the weekend, and then monday too, and then hopefully i’ll be able to meet with the health center on tuesday and figure out what to do next.

i was pretty... outraged. i had to ask my mom for my dad’s birthday since my head hurt so bad i forgot it, for the insurance stuff, and she figured out i was at the doctor’s office, so i told her i’d been throwing up for two days straight and couldn’t hardly eat anything. she asked if i wanted to come home. i said no. i don’t think being at home will be helpful, especially with all the doctors up here.

the taxi service was too busy to pick up the phone for a half hour, so i texted four of my friends and all four of them were either not awake or in class, or their car was literally frozen in a block of snow that they hadn’t been able to clear yet. so i sat and called the taxi number every minute about 20 times until i finally got someone to come pick me up. it took a half hour for the taxi to get to the hospital, and then like 10 minutes to get back to campus. that’s over two hours of travel for a 20-minute appointment where the nurse ignored the information i gave her YET AGAIN.

i was so distraught that i just went back to the urgent care because i knew for sure i wouldn’t be able to sit through half a class and then leave to puke yet again. it’s so frustrating to disrupt the class every single class period, and my head hurts too much to focus or participate anyway. the nurse took my temperature and it was actually running cold instead of feverish. while i waited for the doctor i held myself up against the sink and rested my head against the cabinet. i gagged a few times just from drinking water. 

the doctor gave me some anti-nausea medication and asked for pain ratings and told me if the pain got worse, like sharp, to go to the er. it’s been hovering somewhere between 5 and 7 or 8 for the last few days now. i got more uncomfortable and sore as the day went on. now it’s definitely a 7 or 8. i asked if it would be a bad idea to go to class and she said to not go if i didn’t feel up to it, but also that she couldn’t excuse absences lasting longer than a single day. i’d have to get documentation of a reason for extended absence and take it up with disability resources. so i have to cross my fingers and hope that the radiologist finds something after i’ve missed all those classes. she did give me a form for medical leave of absence from my si job though.

by the time i’d sorted everything out with student life and my si supervisor my solar systems class had already started. i got to the physics department, realized i had a lot more to do, and decided to skip class anyway in order to track down my faculty partner and tell her what was going on, send out an email to all my professors (some more sympathetic than others), and track down my si binder that i seem to have forgotten i had the whole time. i got a text from sevena last night that raaman had my notebook. i asked which notebook and she said the one from lab. i told her i wasn’t in lab and she said my si thing. instead of checking my backpack for the binder i believed her and spent like an hour going on a wild goose chase around the department searching the sps room, then tracking down raaman, then finding out i had to get it back from raven. 

i texted raven and she told me they’d all found my yellow notebook. i was like “???” and found the notebook on the table. my name was on the inside, and i finally figured out that the student had written down my si information in their notebook on the first page, leading the other physics majors to think it was my notebook. i checked in my backpack and my white binder was right where i left it. i felt really dumb. unable to put stuff together very well at all. 

while i was waiting around for raaman to show up, hogan came in the room, took one look at me, and said “you look like you’re dying sammie.” i said thanks.

after filling out my si absence paperwork i went home. i almost couldn’t handle the bumpiness of the bus ride. i had to shuffle from the bus stop to the apartment and it took twice as long as normal. at that point i hadn’t eaten in 20 hours, so i made myself another veggie hot dog with plan bread. it seems to go pretty easy on my stomach. when i tried to throw in some fruit juice for a few more calories i did throw up though.

i got a weird email from my supervisor that took me about five minutes to parse, but other than that i mostly just rested all day. i’ll have to do work at some point, but i really... REALLY... don’t have the strength for it right now. 

i keep yelling at myself about it, internally. like of course i should have enough energy to do work, it’s right there, just do it! why am i cringing in pain when it’s not that bad? i’m putting on a show to... no one. i was alone when i was limping and grinding my teeth. but i still found it embarrassing, and like i shouldn’t be letting my pain show. i’ve been shivering all afternoon and evening, but not breaking out in sweats, so i don’t know if it’s chills or if it’s genuinely cold. maranda’s hiding under a blanket so it might just be really cold. it is below 0 outside...

i also want to mention that my joints are all getting real stiff and sore. i sometimes get pretty sick when i’m on my period, and am more prone to colds and stuff, but i started throwing up the day BEFORE all that started. usually i get sick a few days into the week. and these aren’t really crampy pains. i had those yesterday, but they wore off by the end of the day. so i don’t know. my throat isn’t nearly so sore since i haven’t had a huge bathroom adventure since yesterday. just a little one since i’d eaten so little. 

i made myself mac and cheese with soy milk and that seems to be settling in ok too. avoiding cow milk products entirely though. 

i dunno, i guess i had a lot to talk about. but nothing really new other than being blown off by the doctor. which isn’t new at all, now that i think about it. 

when i had my heart surgery, the guy that found the hole told my mother that the cardiologist would downplay it and that the surgeons would try to postpone any surgery since it wasn’t “an emergency.” he told her that they were wrong and i’d have to be operated on within 60 days or i wouldn’t make it past 15. 

the cardiologist didn’t believe that guy at first, but then he saw the ultrasound pictures.

i don’t have that kind of information. i just gotta roll with my gut feeling. and my guts are hurting a lot, but i don’t have any concrete EVIDENCE that there is any urgency. i have nothing to convince the doctor to look at my ultrasound pictures sooner than 5 days from now. so i just gotta... survive until then, and hope that nothing permanent happens in the meantime. 

my professors are really concerned about my ability to pass their classes now that i’ve missed the better part of 2 weeks, especially the laplace transforms professor, since her class only lasts 8 weeks. the midterm is, like, next thursday, and after that we gotta do a project and a paper.

i’m concerned about having to drop the semester. my mom brought up that it would waste a lot of money. over 6,000 dollars, when you factor in the grad school applications i’d have to redo. i think i can wrangle my adviser into still letting me graduate on time, since i don’t actually have any missing requirements. i’d just have to drop the math minor. but i am worried about the money... and about letting the students i si for down. they’re counting on me. physics is hard, especially when your brain isn’t wired to do a lot of mathy stuff. they’re mostly biology majors. i don’t want to ditch this responsibility...