#I felt like her model wasnt moving properly

[normalest-of-knees]

Episode 8 and general Volume 9 discussion under the cut because... oof-

Tw: suicidal topics involving this episode and previous ones

Where exactly do we go from here? I'm serious. Where can this even go with 2 episodes left to this nonsensical volume?

Regardless of what RT actually does next episode, one way or another Ruby herself and (hopefully) everyone else will have to deal with the fact that she wanted to die, or at the very least, not be herself anymore.

Yes, Ascension is supposed to be different, but we also don't know anything about that. Ruby isn't from this world, so it may not even work, but we've also had unreliable sources (according to the show, anyways) as to what it actually is and does. We know the basics of how it's supposed to work, but not whether it's actually good or not

I had one crazy theory come to mind after the last 2 episodes, namely after we see Summer in Ruby's reflection in the storm.... and I cannot stress how much I hope this won't happen (but given how things have gone so far-):

I'm worried we may get a "Ruby turns into Summer Rose" or "Ruby was actually Summer all along" bullshit. It's just stupid enough to be something the writers would think is a "cool" "fun" "twist".

That aside, I must once again stress (I said this on a different blog) that everything feels like its going by at a break neck pace. So much is happening yet nothing is happening at all??

Ruby seemingly doesn't run very far away at all, enough that her team can hear the gunshots of her being attacked. She gets some weird spotlight beforehand that at first I thought was supposed to convey the passage of time as she walked, but I'm not really sure. She seemingly purposefully walks towards the mansion/casino/building Neo cooked up and we immediately are inside?? There's no transition to this. You'd be forgiven for thinking after she ran away that this bit was all a dream

Then even the parts with the dead menagerie attacking Ruby are odd. How does Neo know about half of this stuff? Is she guessing? Did she somehow find out via the lamp back when Cinder used it?? And as awful as it was for Ruby to be beaten and tortured like that, it was insanely short.

I know she was already beyond her limits, but they barely do much/say much before she's considering the tea. She had so much fire when she waltzed in there ("If you want me dead then come and get me!"), but a few illusions and her Aura is broken and she's ready to be done?? Again, I know she was already having a breakdown before, but it still felt too rushed to be natural. I know we saw bruises and a few cuts (and random blood on her hands?), but otherwise she wasn't visibly looking worse than some other fights she's been in before.

Also, why in the shit fuck did her friends just stand there and do nothing? You're telling me after someone dear and close to you freaks out, runs off, then you hear gunfire and rush to see what it is, then see her on the ground visibly upset and beaten up with the villain who has been hunting her down standing over her with their weapon out, you just..... stand there?? Waiting to see what's up?? There weren't even any copies or illusions around as well, it was just Neo and Ruby there.

Ruby just picks up the cup and drinks and Yang just.... stands there. Even the close up on her eye didn't have much emotion other than if she was watching a log tumble off a waterfall or something. Like barely anything aside from "Oh wow. Huh" going on....

And yeah, CC and Neo being the ones more upset over that than anything is.... a thing.

I don't care how the group interprets Ascension, you see your close friend, your SISTER, drink some unknown liquid and then falls over looking dead and gets swallowed up by a hole in the ground with vines, you'd have a reaction. You'd be panicking and running over to the spot. Freaking out! "Where'd they go?? What's going on??" Would be an understandable reaction.

But nothing. No one even moves an inch, they just watch, get blasted by a Cat, then it's over.

I thought at least Weiss would use her glyphs or something to charge at Neo or get to Ruby as fast as she could. Summon something to knock the cup out of her hand. Anything!! Why are they so.... apathetic about it? They're not even really horrified, they're just "Oh no... anyways." Like they saw someone slip and break something they were holding. Unfortunate, but oh well.

Don't even get me started on Yang's bitching earlier.

"Why'd she run off like that?!" "That wasn't upset that was-- ugh!! Why didn't she talk to us?!" "We weren't asking her to be perfect."

If you told me Yang hardly ever interacted with Ruby ever, let alone was her sister that 'supposedly' raised her, I'd believe you. The Hell kind of reaction is this when your sister runs away crying after expressing she wasn't doing ok?? Yes, Ruby brushed people off when they'd try to ask if she was ok, but even that is still an answer! Clearly she was not ok! And even when she'd be more vulnerable or sad, she was ignored or scolded for being sullen. How in the fuck was she supposed to open up?

I honestly don't know what is even gonna happen after this. 2 episodes left and the title character committed metaphorical suicide.

They'll either make it not matter, make her reset and forget everything, become someone else entirely, or nothing will change and she'll just have to be like "Yeah, so, my bad. Anyways, here's the exit guys"

This show makes me so tired....

[holycalf]

i started watching sku bc of your blog (and i really enjoy it!) but i dont get why you seem to like shiori but not ruka....i mean it seems like his intentions were a lot better than hers ever were tbfh am i missing something? not saying he went about things GREAT but....at least he actually seemed to care. shiori was just a bitch for the sake of being a bitch it seemed like...

hi! im glad ure enjoying it! it can definitely be a lot at times, and i think the first 12 eps can rub ppl the wrong way so props to u for getting thru those (even tho i liked em :) ) this is gonna be long so if u feel like reading an essay feel free to read under the cut

um.. i dont really know where to begin tbh? i mean you cant really talk about any of these characters without talking abt the other two so.... this is gonna be long.

so lets take shiori, who has a very classic case of internalized homophobia. which is confirmed by ikuhahras outtake on ep. 17 which states the following

 “I finally realized the truth. To think that she loved me back! What a miracle! But...‘The loser in love is the one who lets their heart be ruled by it.’Everyone's adopted a provocative attitude toward someone of the opposite sex that they like at least once or twice, to get that person to notice them. So it's okay if I do that.This love will crumble if we touch. But when people don't touch, the love eventually dies away .That's why I decided to keep your love prisoner. To make sure that you love me forever. That game will make our love ‘eternal.’ I'm sure of it.We were ‘lovers lost from the beginning.”

so shioris in love with juri. im not sure if thats something u caught onto or not but its definitely the quintessence of her character, and needs to be considered when we consider her against ruka- since its a shared affection. also, i just like shiori, i dont necessarily think shes GOOD i just enjoy watching her and she feels very raw. shiori has a crippling inferiority complex, you can even tell through off handed conversations with her friends in hallways she exaggerates her stories to be more liked. juri is someone who has things come easy to her, and doesnt even really seem to care or notice. in the shows canon shes: liked by the student body, liked by teachers, admired by men (and girls too), academically inclined, good at bowling, captain of fencing club (and likely the most talented duelist- since shes the only one utena never properly beats) and a MODEL?????????? and shiori, at least in her own eyes, is painfully mundane. growing up next to someone who seems to have everything go in their favor, all of the while youre harboring having feelings for them (and jealous that youre among SO many suitors) is so frustrating! especially when you dont believe to have any at all. the elevator sequence when she discovers juris locket is a bit of a power trip for shiori, and also just a sort of confusion. shioris “why do you look at me like that?!” when she considers juri mid breakdown is a clear reflection of her own confusion, she may as well be saying “how could you possibly love me?”...but that was the black rose arc which all got undone anyways- so by the time we see shiori ruka arc she doesnt even know juris got the hots for her. when she first sees ruka, shes staring at juri first and only zeroes in on ruka once she hears people talking abt him. she takes ruka the same way she did that boy in middle school because he seems to be something coveted by the girls around her, its a very closeted gay girl move to decide to go for a boy just because other girls are into him... and it definitely helps that hes in such close contact w juri...he could easily be the one stored in that locket of hers, so why not take him? 

so then we have ruka, who the entire time we watch him is smug, condescending, and genuinely one of the most unpleasant characters on the show. by the end we learn hes in love with juri, so maybe this persona was embellished to push her towards revolution to “free her from shiori” or whatever but.... sorry i dont care LOL! the way he treated shiori ALONE was enough for me to dislike him, there was NO need to tear apart and embarrass the girl like that. he took clear advantage of her crush on juri. his locker is seen right next to juris, and shiori is pressed up against one of the two lockers, but we arent shown which,  “after all, that wasnt my sword,”....he knows shiori has been going to juris locker (and potentially polishing her sword but who knows. all we know is that she goes to juris locker.) and it is later revealed hes extra certain of her feelings because upon publically dumping her (another dick move) we hear her kinda stutter “I love you more than.... I love you more than anyone else” shes clearly beating around a bush because theyre in public, hes pinpointed she and juri are both into eachother, and instead of being a normal ass guy about it and just SETTING THEM UP and telling them to work their stuff out he chooses to, “out of love”  assault juri, emotionally manipulates the girl juri is in love with,  then inadvertantly cause juris locket to break which upsets her so deeply she forfeits her duel with utena. and upon that locket breaking he has the AUDACITY to think hes somehow freed her from something... when the girl is breaking down crying in the rain (the first and only time we ever see juri cry...even if its implied she does it in the shower that one time lol).......then just???dies??? like all he does in his time on the show is cause problems and die, all because he couldnt get over his feelings for a lesbian.... it just feels SO gross to me that he hides his assault and general abuse (can we talk abt how he likely took shioris virginity, JUST to break her down???) behind some icky hero complex

PLUS we see shiori at the end of that episode realize shes in that locket while juri is dueling, and we see her run up to juri at the end of the ep and it doesnt look malicious, it feels very...resolutiony? esp when you put it next to the miki/kozue closing scene of their car arc duel, which is explicitly bad terms, this feels more hopefully....suggesting some part of shiori has at least changed. ruka never got that luxury, he completely exploited two girls in order to add dramatic flare to his last few days and felt valid in doing so..... shiori never seemed to think her actions were JUSTIFIED.....which is sort of the point of the black rose arc where shiori is arguably at her worst........... the very ugliest part of ppl are brought out in those elevator sessions so thats what we see of shiori? 

sorry for the essay!! but i hope this helps and make sense :-) feel free to ask any more questions u have abt the show, and i hope u continue enjoying it! im assuming ure still watching it, i dont know how far u are but if u JUST finished 29 then that means ure getting to some of my fave episodes! (33,37,39 :) ) 

tl,dr: shiori never assaulted anyone

[ongnable]

christmas confession w/ jihoon

for: Summer, @porkjeojang - i know you asked for ‘cute’, but i’ve made this a little angsty at the beginning but i swear it redeems itself but IM SO SORRYYYYY I LOOOVVVEEE YOOOOUUU PLZ FORGIVE ME prompt: “cute Christmas lights confession” a/n: timed for christmas eve, reader is a bit of a crybaby; but all is fine - after all, it’s christmas ❤️

strolling down the path, you raise your head to stare in wonder - the strings of fluorescent stars only to be seen this time of the year are shining brightly

the sun has set and the evening was revealing itself in the form of christmas lights being turned on, carols chiming, and couples emerging from the nearby shopping mall to admire the festive atmosphere of the park

you clutch the warm coffee in your hand a little tighter – admiring the way the snowflakes melt over the lid with a moment’s touch – as you run your fingers along the side of your phone, playing with the buttons in your pocket

there wasn’t much to do whilst waiting.

you glance up at the clock tower,

eleven fifteen.

you’d agreed to meet at half past

a faint buzz of your phone causes you to check for new messages

jihoon: [ did you get coffee? are you waiting outside or inside?]

y/n: [ yeah. got coffee - i’m outside ]

jihoon: [ it’s cold outside ]

y/n: [ i wanted to see the lights ]

jihoon: [ i’m almost done anyways, message you when i finish ]

y/n: [ ok ok ]

strolling through your instagram feed so you don’t look too awkward standing by yourself out in the cold, you can overhear a couple giggling as they walk past, hands swinging in glee

you huddle your thick coat closer to your body, slipping gloveless hands into the space between your waist and coat, crossing them across your body to gather heat

quickly, you take up the empty seat on a bench as you switch from one social media app to another to waste time

gulping down some of the hot drink and holding your breath – releasing it in a big sigh to admire the white mist it creates, most of your coffee is already gone when you settle it on the spare space next to you

the clock tower rings once

eleven thirty.

you look up to check the time on the clock tower even though it’s displayed on your phone

where was jihoon?

you already know that ‘probably busy’ was the answer. it was always hard for jihoon to make time for you amidst his schedule

standing so that the person you’re looking for can get a clearer view of you, you pick up the almost finished drink and peek at the screen again

how many times have you checked now?

[ no new messages ]

you could wait a little longer before you asked for his wherabouts, he didn’t need you bothering him when he was busy

opening twitter, your eyes widen at the top few posts

you’d recognize that figure anywhere, but who was that next to him?

you saw jihoon with a girl, caught by the paparazzi - and a few fans as they began leaving the building

there were photos

videos

retweet after retweet

you followed numerous jihoon-biased accounts (something he endlessly made fun of you for, “you know that you get to see the real thing right y/n?”), hence your feed was now saturated with posts about this girl – a statuesque model cum actress with long flowing hair –

jihoon had told you that he was having a photoshoot with a female model beforehand

but you hadn’t expected there to be so much touching involved

for the poses to be so close

and for them to leave the building together after the shoot had finished

opening the lid of your coffee, you grimace at the cold drink left at the bottom, the oils from the milk having started to gather. 

and you throw it away

was that why he wasn’t here?

because he’d found someone else to spend christmas eve with? 

eleven forty five.

you try to rid those thoughts building in your head

surely, it’s the cold and the loneliness of being surrounded by couples getting to you

jihoon owed you nothing

but he wasn’t that sort of person

jihoon was someone that stood by what he said and kept his promises

he wouldn’t keep you hanging out in the cold like this

especially not on christmas eve

the two of you had planned sleeplessly over tonight for far too long

he’s only met her tonight though?

and the nagging in your mind doesn’t stop

you’re about to send him another message, but your fingers don’t want to move

glancing up, you can tell that the night has fully showed its face

only the moon remains, the stars having been covered by the thin layer of clouds

your sight becomes blurred as the christmas lights you had thought to be so pretty previously turned into multicolored blobs

mocking.

annoying.

your chest hurt and it’s wasn’t just muscles tightening under the biting cold

the clock struck midnight.

christmas eve was over.

he wasnt coming, you thought bitterly, jihoon wasn’t coming

wintered air stings at your eyes and numb fingers move to try wipe the tears away, anger building when you couldn’t even tell if you’d wiped them away properly

i can’t even cry without it being annoying!

you strain and try to blink the tears away, but eventually give up and rub your palms roughly along your face 

it’s so unfair.

looking around –

everyone was with the person they cared about. everyone was out celebrating. happy faces bathed in warm light.

and you were alone.

staring at the lighted screen one last time, the taunting photo ridiculing you - you stuff the phone back into your coat pocket, turning to walk back inside

there was no point staying by the lights now

no point being the lone girl underneath the clock tower, pretending to have someone who cares for her

not when christmas eve was over

not when jihoon wasn’t going to arrive–

“YAH! Y/N!”

jihoon?

you turn around to face the other side of the path, trying to locate the source of his voice.

���BABO-YAH!”

cold wind pelts at your face whilst the snow gets caught between strands of loose hair

jihoon was running towards you

his silhouette gradually becoming clearer as he neared the lights you were standing at

you could tell he came straight from the shoot with his immaculate makeup and set hair

but what gave it away was the short sleeves in this freezing weather - there was no way he would have been outside wearing only his white shirt

“why are you out here? didn’t you see my message? I was looking all over for you!”

his arms clutched at your sides when he reached your side - checking you over, trying to work out why you were crying

white puffs of air surrounded him as jihoon panted. 

he had spotted you wiping your face – the girl that normally swatted his arm away when he tried to pinch your cheeks, because he’d ‘ruin your makeup’ – and knew that something was wrong instinctively

“jihoon... you came...” 

a relieved sob escapes as the tears stop flowing, your body still shaking

“of course, where else would I go? didn’t you see my text? do you have any idea how long it took me to find you?”

none of his words seemed to register with you

and jihoon found himself being enveloped in a hug, 

“you’re here,” wrapping you arms around him, the sound of his heartbeat strong and reassuring. “jihoon- you’re here.”

tears were rolling down your face again, cheeks so cold that the droplets actually felt warm against your skin; chest heaving as you found solace with his body against yours

“yeah, I’m here” he tutted, slightly embarrassed and unsure of how to respond to your sudden affection

despite how whiny and emotional you could be, you weren’t particularly big on skinship normally

so he settled for patting your head. something his mom had always done for him when he cried as a child

“why are you such a crybaby? you literally just stopped crying. i’m here, remember?”

“i’m just...” a pause. searching for the right words. “relieved?”

i’m happy. i’m happy. i’m happy.

i’m happy you’re here. i’m happy you care. i’m happy that you’re with me.

“you have a funny way of showing it.” you didn’t even realize you were pouting until he poked your cheek, “i don’t even know why you were worried I wouldn’t show up in the first place.”

“but christmas eve is over.” you muffled into his chest, glancing at the clock tower, hands still locked around jihoon, unwilling to let go even though you could feel him shuffling as he reached for his phone. “you were late. i thought you forgot about me. i thought–”

i thought you were with another person. that you replaced me with someone else more important to you.

“babo-yah. did you not get my message? look.”

jihoon untangled your arms from him, holding his phone in front of you, you make out the text he sent you

jihoon: [ leaving now. will probs to be a bit late, wait for me inside the cafe ]

wait. 

a text?

“what did you send me a text for?!”

he looks at you incredulously, as if offended by your logic

“that’s what phones are for.”

“you know i put my phone on airplane mode and only leave wifi on!” 

how else were you supposed to pay your phone bill when the two of you messaged so much?

“that’s not how a phone works, y/n”

“you could’ve at least kakao-ed me!”

“i didn’t have wifi.”

“we were chatting on kakao the whole day though!”

“i only realized that i ran out of data when i left the studio.”

locking eyes in a stalemate, the two of you burst into laughter, attracting stares from passers-by

“we’re just two idiots, aren’t you?”

jihoon rolled his eyes, as he ran his fingers under your eye, wiping away remnants of smudged mascara and eyeliner “speak for yourself.”

“you know that’s what i like so much about you, jihoonie. you really know how to flatter a girl.”

jihoon smiled, faint and soft

the lights peaking through as smudged colours around him through the snow as he reaches for your hand

“merry christmas to you too, y/n”

lacing your fingers through his own, you finally register how cold jihoon feels against you

“let’s go inside, you must be freezing! i’m sorry i didn’t realize sooner.”

tugging at his hand, you pull at him, trying to get him to jog towards a source of indoor heating with you, but jihoon kept trailing behind at a slower pace, your weight nothing against him

why was he not moving??

if you felt cold in your long padded coat, how could jihoon possibly feel okay?

“take slow steps.” jihoon fussed, well aware of how clumsy you were. 

and sure enough, the sole on your shoes slides a bit on your next step before you regain graceless balance

“walk slowly, or else you’re going to trip” he glanced at the icy floors, before loosening your grip. 

taking careful steps to catch up to you

and you feel a blast of cold air hit you when jihoon peels the thick coat off you, draping it over his shoulders

before wrapping both him and the coat around you

oh. 

suddenly, you don’t really feel like it’s winter either. the snow is almost therapeutic against your burning skin

“y/n. i’d never leave you alone.”

“i know i was just overthinking. it’s fine. you’re here now.”

huddled over your body as the two of you stay unmoving as the snow falls around you, you feel him wrap his arms around your waist, jihoon nuzzling into the crook of your neck

“it’s not fine. i like you so much but you don’t even know. you thought that i wouldn’t come meet you.”

what don’t i know?

“jihoon–”

arms wrap a little tighter around you, heat spreading through the numerous layers of clothes you have on

warming your heart

“you're the reason i’m not cold in winter, that i can smile through bad weather. so stay by my side and continue making my winters a little warmer.”

[xxonceuponafuckxx]

The Underground

Title: The Underground

Location: Dominatrix Dungeon

Timeframe: Unknown

Tagging: Veronica Lodge and Jake (@isitrecording)

Warning: Non-con, Dub-con, Kidnapping

Description: FM is a dominatrix who takes Jake as a slave after one of their sessions.

"You can't move at all, can you?" She smirked, running her hand along Jake's helplessly bound body. "Perfect." The woman lightly ran her crop across his lips, forced into a pout by the size of the gag keeping him quiet. "I'm going to have such a fun time with you..."

Jake couldn’t move from his position, the woman smirking eagerly over him. Her hand was like lightening over his form, the felt end of the crop sending a small shiver down his spine. He turned his head as best he could, trying to shake no. He had agreed to be tied up, the woman working quickly. He didn’t expect her to gag him, at the woman’s mercy while she played.

She knew what he'd agreed to. It was the same thing they all agreed to, but poor Jake was about to become something different. Most of her clients got the simple business model: pay, cum, leave. After all, someone needed to advertise for her services. But, poor Jake was not going to be walking out after their half-hour session. No, he was going to be trained and used. "Now that I've got you rather perfectly helpless, we can drop the act. You won't be leaving this dungeon tonight, sweetie."

Jake didnt know what to say, the woman watching him like a hawk as she spoke. He had spent his first time with a mistress under her, the brunette trying the Mistress out. The first meeting went well, the pair agreeing on a few things. Mostly setting up Jake’s safeword.

Now he realized he couldn’t use it like this, her words foreboding. He struggled against the ropes, her facade not helping him growing panic. He wasn’t leaving here? What was she saying.

She smirked, chuckling softly and spanking Jake's ass. "So, her assessment was true. You're not too quick to fill in the blanks. Let me be very clear for you." The woman leaned down as the motion clearly displayed her best assets, talking almost like how someone would speak to a dog or child that didn't understand. "You belong here now. You will entertain and be used. You are my new little slave whore."

Jake flinched as she spanked his ass, the brunette laying on his stomach as she spoke. He shook his head again, he couldn’t be in this position. This had to be some sort of scene, his heart racing in his chest. He tried not to stare down her top, his eyes on hers as she confirmed his worse fears of seeing a dom; he wasnt going to get to go home. His clothing laid on the floor near him, all of his belongings he brought in the pockets.

His eyes displayed just how clearly her message was understood, prompting an almost cruel chuckle. Satisfied that the situation was properly understood, she stood once again and dug a heeled foot into the bound man's back. "Come on. Show me your pathetic attempts to squirm. I only get to spend another twenty minutes watching you before I need to put you away." She knew quite a bit about Jake from her underling's intake paperwork, which she knew would be useful in breaking him and covering tracks

Jake didnt reveal too much as far as he knew, but for all he knew they could of been watching him. She mentioned that she only had twenty minutes left with him, his heart skipping a beat. He had paid for a full hour, and it didnt take long for her to get him rigged up like this. Her heel dug gently into his back, pressing against his shoulder blade, the brunette groaning silently into the gag. He began to push off the table as best he could, trying to roll or at least get a little wiggle room. It would of been a start, if she hadn’t secured him so tightly. She was going to put him away? What could that of meant?

Another cruel, cold chuckle escaped her lips as she watched Jake squirm helplessly. She grabbed a spiked sheet of metal, holding it against his nude crotch to help motivate him. The woman pressed the spikes into his skin a bit when he didn't move fast enough, wanting to force him into making more attempts. This was all the entertainment she needed for the time being, just wanting to watch him squirm in frantic terror.

Her cruel chuckle was terrifying, his head unable to turn to see what she was doing. She pressed the cold object against his balls, pressing against him at a sharp point. He began to struggle worse, starting to thrash around against the table. It didnt help how he was tied up, his back facing her. He couldn’t even move his arms to push up, his voice growing hoarse as he screamed into the gag. It barely let out any sound, the only noise being made was his head and hands slamming against the table.

She enjoyed the sight of him struggling, forcing him to continue fighting to escape the harsh sting of the sharp metal until a timer on the wall went off. The woman sighed softly, sitting the piece on the table and moving to lift Jake from the surface. She opened a small panel on the wall, inputting a code to open the secret hatch behind her bookshelf of toys. Inside was a padded area that she pushed Jake into. He was sat back on his legs, forced onto a mounted dildo. "Be a good boy, ride it."

The timer went off after an eternity, then woman removing the object from him. He took a few breaths from his nose, trying to gather himself as she worked. He felt her lift him, the woman stronger than he expected as she took him over to the shelf of toys. He panicked when he saw the size of one of them, his eyes growing wider when the shelf moved away. It revealed a hidden room, his heart skipping a beat. This is what she meant by being put away. He tried to move away from her as she got him settled in his seat, the toy reaching deep into him. He shook his head, his cock slowly hardening as he stared at the woman. He wouldn’t ride it, not like this.

She had expected some defiance, of course. But, that certainly didn't mean she had to allow it or that she would leave him there without obedience. "Alright, we'll do this the hard way." The woman grabbed a cock ring, sliding it over his cock before locking the other around the dildo. It did nothing at first, but after a minute without movement, the ring shocked his cock. She looked the bound man up and down expectantly, eyes piercing into his. "It won't stop until you move."

Jake watched her leave him for a moment, studying the beauty as she reached for an object. He had seen cock rings before, the woman returning with two of them. The one she secured around his cock was snug, the other secured around the toy. He waited with anticipation for what happened next, a shock making him flinch. It didnt stop there though, her explanation simple. He began to move slowly, the toy stretching a virgin hole as he played with one inch, hoping it was enough to stop the shocks.

The bit of movement seemed to satisfy both the woman and the toy, both allowing Jake some relief from the shocks. "Good boy." She pet his hair lightly, the action dripping in condescending tones. "The only thing that stops the shocking is movement." The woman smirked as she looked over her new captive, stepping back to shut the door and trap him inside the small hidden nook. It was soundproof, ensuring he wouldn't be found while she worked in the main room.

Jake didnt know what to say, the soundproof room would of kept him hidden enough, let alone the gag or the binds that still held him together. Her praise made him blush a little, playing on a kink that he developed over time. She left him alone in the room, no exit in sight for him. He was stuck there, riding the toy slowly. There wasnt any way for him to tell how long hed been there for, his legs shaking gently. By the time she returned he was riding the whole toy, his eyes glazed over as he desperately avoided the shocks.

She left him in there for a little over an hour, working in the main room with another client. When she returned, she offered him a condescending smirk as she leaned against the opening. “Aren’t you pretty as a picture.” The woman removed the cock ring, spanking his ass as she forced him to crawl out on his bound legs by tugging his hair. "Do you understand your new place or have I not been clear enough with you?"

[jonathankatwhatever]

It feels so good to be able to move freely, finally. I keep putting myself in positions, leaning back and down to pick up objects rather than forward and down. The flamenco pose appeared, and a bunch more. And this derives from an attachment point of highwaisted pants, spurring me to hitch mine up, because I gender inverted, and that led me to pull them up to the right, not left, which changed the angles and roles of the legs, with my male parts now tucked to my left leg, and ...

I was just talking to Kimberly, our mail carrier. She noticed a package delivered to the neighbors wasnt addressed properly; it was Brighton, not Brookline. I realized: it’s probably Allston, and they guessed Brookline not Allston because there is no such address (no Harvard Avenue) in Brighton and they have the same first two letters. But Kimberly knows who lives next door, so she knew that a sensible choice, which was a 0 at that point of the package’s progress, was not correct at the next step the actual package took. So each step applies complexity of knowledge that reduces to the moment of each step. We can talk about ordinary life in model terms. In fact, you can see the two chains; one by address, the other by name. The one by name was suppressed until the package reached Kimberly. And we still dont know if there is a person by that name at that address in Allston. A fascinating little search problem. More easily solved by going backwards, which generalizes from the fact that the 0 occurs only if the person is at the address in Allston (if not, the package goes back to sender, which ends this loop). So to solve, you impose a name check for person on Harvard Avenue in vicinity.

I’m still working on the fundamental issue of the recognition of my internal identity because I’m having trouble thinking through how I came to the general conclusion in the first place, which I wrote down years ago, and which led directly to here. I remember I constructed two complementary uncountables which went: I can understand entirely if and makes no sense to me at all if. And these clearly broke: makes no sense to me if she’s a woman, makes sense to me if she’s a man. And the reason was that I felt the same little touches that I felt on my head, which I emulate in their loving, close attention to not only the abstract form and shape but the way that shape represents desired ideals. It was the same sense of using me as a canvas. The modularity.

Working through this, I reconnected to the idea that the centaur is the metaphoric image of a pose in which you bow to the other at the waist, like males to butt heads or rush at each other, with the centaur being the one who can go lower, who can hold the head and focus up so the other looks and moves beneath and within your area of focus. So an image connected to male ritual combat, which connects of course to defense and attack generally. It really feels like you’re bent over on a Greek vase.

So, doing it centaur-style is an alignment of the forces that collide. I can see the images forming in the ancient styles. At some point, it should sink in that she’s typed out the model connection to basic algorithmic thinking. She’s having a bad day. Hair cuts involve a lot of complex cutting and shaping, which invokes a lot of doubt about her self and her abilities to please you, for you are the constant in her life, no matter the form you take. Her need to please you is off the top of the charts.

That casts this backwards at the GS level: I’m the one with the high score in that sense, and you have the strategic vision score, so my need to please reaches across many levels. That was necessary: they need to invert x and y to idealize to the grid square. That’s the big point in there, isnt it? That the gs level is where x and y invert, and thus ½ yet again. That means the grid square level is a 0, an inherent 0, one generated by the operation of complexity

[nsjang]

Sending ma off

7.5.20

Today we held a zoom memorial service for ma. It felt like a good ending to three weeks of preparing and processing her death. It was a big group effort, with everyone contributing in different ways. Bah prepared and organized all the moving parts, his own speech, slide shows, organizing all the people, coordinating the call, figuring out all the small details. Juen made the video, handled and set up the room and lighting and all the tech details. San prepared his speech, handled tech details during the call. Lisa coordinated the mortuary details and people managed and made sure everyone was on task. Sue took care of taeyang and played with him and kept in entertained and happy during all these gatherings when everyone was distracted and running around doing various tasks. 

Afterwards, I think everyone felt some type of closure after what felt like a very long period of preparing and planning. Figuring out what to do the day she died. Figuring out scheduling and days off and coordinating with Dave and Katie who had to fly and take more vacation than the rest of us to come. Figuring out whether to cremate or bury, whether to scatter at sea, whether to go with the prescheduled boat or do our own boat, whether to do a cremation viewing or not, everyone preparing and choosing a favorite verse, preparing a short thing to say at the viewing. Going to the viewing. Seeing her decaying flesh 10 days after she died. Crying hard during that, seeing her like that. Waiting a few days to get her remains. Asking about how the cremation went. Seeing the cremated remains. Figuring out how to open the urn with the sliding panel at the top. Looking at the bag of white ashes labeled with her May 30 birthday, and asking if they got that right, and bah confirming they got it right because that is her official birthday even though her real birthday is March 18. Going on the boat, spreading her ashes near the golden gate bridge. On the day of, finessing the room decorations to make sure it wasnt too busy, putting up sheets to cover the back, rearranging all the furniture in the room, figuring out how to put up the four-photo collage my dad printed on 6 8.5x11 pieces of paper, how to arrange the 20+ flower sets we received from people all over, figuring out the microphone sound settings, testing the sound, making sure the english translation was correct, making sure people knew how to dial in to the english translation number which was audio only but also the main channel that had the video and chinese audio. planning a week ahead to make sure that taeyang’s nap was right before the scheduled memorial service at 4pm PT. Checking how high of a setting we could put the fans to make sure we would not all melt while suited up, how to sit and arrange ourselves without looking too tacky. is the camera straight? Where do we put the laptop? We should put it up high above the webcam we ordered so we are all looking at the general direction of the camera while looking at the computer screen. Figuring out how to stack up chairs and fasten them together, along with a cardboard box, to place the laptop on, making sure it’s secure. Securing the microphone to a chair with a long metal rod so the mic is close enough to the speaker’s face. worrying if the various videos and slideshows we prepared would play properly. Ordering faster internet so we could have faster upload speeds. Do we have the right numbers for people in korea and taiwan to call in? 

And it all went smoothly. My mom impacted a lot of people. It was comforting to hear all the various people from various parts of her life speak about her, remember her, uplift her, reinforce what we collectively remember about her. 

at the very end, we got to talk very briefly to san san shu shu, mei mei, and shen shen. he told us to take care of our dad. we promised we would. 

afterwards, everyone felt relief. we all went for a walk, even bah came, where he refused every time the week before. jon was talkative and telling lisa to stop cleaning, where before the memorial he was the one fussing with all the small details. 

my own speech, which i shed some tears while drafting, but thankfully was able to hold together while giving it: 

We are here today to celebrate the life of my mom, Emma Sun, or who I know her as: mah or mommie. For anybody that doesn’t know me, my name is Nathan, and I am my mom’s eldest son. My two younger brothers, Jon and Dave, are also here, as well as my wife Sue, my son Taeyang, Jon’s wife Lisa, and David’s wife Katie.

My mom’s life was about sacrifice. She sacrificed everything for her family, and for her kids. She often told me the story that when she was studying for her chemistry PhD at Stony Brook in New York, she was pregnant with me and studied with a heavy textbook resting on her growing belly. When I was born, she was just one semester into her PhD. My mom and dad went to see the university’s daycare program, but she decided to quit her PhD and take care of me full time instead.

There were times in my life where I did not fully appreciate her sacrifices or dedication to us. I remember one time in high school I told her, why didn’t you just send us to daycare? We would have been more socialized. Look at my friend—his parents sent him to daycare and he is way more sociable and popular than I am. See, you didn’t have to sacrifice and give up your life for us. But now, as a parent myself, I understand how hurtful those words must have been to her. Now I understand just a bit more the reason she gave up her career for us.

She ensured that her kids had the best and received as much resources as she could provide. Every Sunday she would dress all three of us in matching outfits. Every holiday party we were in matching bowties and vests that she sewed herself. Our school lunches were hand-packed with healthy fruits and vegetables and sandwiches. And she made sure we ate our vitamins every night, which some of us did not always follow. One time when we were in elementary school and we were moving to a different house, we moved Jon’s mattress. Underneath we found a giant stash of fluoride pills that Jon had secretly spit out every night after the lights were turned out. My mom loved to tell that story to show how mischievous Jon was.

She diligently researched the best books for us to read, and encouraged us to read biographies of great people so we could have role models to shape our own lives. She made sure we had piano lessons, violin lessons, drum lessons, bass guitar lessons, soccer during the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball in the spring, summer camps to go every year, Chinese school after church on Sunday, and even the dreaded Kumon.

When we were in high school, she encouraged us to study hard, but she also emphasized and demonstrated the importance of generosity and hospitality. We never had any hesitation to invite large gatherings over to our place, because we knew that our mom would prepare plenty of food and snacks for all who came over. We would invite the entire church youth group over to our house after church to hang out in the summer, watch movies in our basement, while my mom constantly prepared plates of snacks for people to pass around. Then we would head to the back porch where my mom and dad would prepare dinner for twenty hungry teenagers.

In college as well, my mom welcomed many of my international friends over during the longer breaks, as they often had no place to go to during the holidays. One thanksgiving break in college, I invited my then girlfriend Sue to my house, along with two other friends. Even before my mom knew that we were dating, she treated Sue like her own daughter the very first time they met. Sue remembers that her guest room was always prepared with love and care. Every Christmas break since then, my mom would prepare a gift for Sue as well. This past Christmas, my mom handed down her own nativity set and Christmas tree so that Sue can continue the tradition of having a warm and generous holiday spirit.  

As we got older and moved away to college and jobs, my mom regularly checked on each one of us, gave us personally tailored advice, and made sure we were eating healthily, sleeping enough, living a balanced lifestyle, and most importantly, that we were keeping up and growing closer to God. She initiated family gatherings every year to make sure that we all spent time together at least once a year.

My mom taught me that the most important things in life are first and foremost my relationship with God, and second, my family. She made sure that I didn’t get too focused on my job at the cost of my family and my health. My mom taught me that by being generous with your time and energy, you will gain much more than you give. And my mom taught me to always strive to be better, to seek excellence, but to do it all honestly and without ever forgetting that money is not the most important thing in life, that character, and the way you carry yourself, is much more important.

Often times my mom may have thought her words fell on deaf ears, on her unappreciative and often-times stubborn kids. And although it may have taken some time for me to fully understand the sacrifices you have made and the wisdom you constantly tried to impart to us, now I at least understand and appreciate you more. I will strive to remember your words and the lessons you have taught us.

In your last days, we saw your tenacity for life and your strength, your will to live, and your ability to endure great suffering. At all times, you clung onto God and urged us to as well. Even your last words to us, you made us promise to read the Bible, pick a favorite verse to help guide our footsteps. You wanted to ensure that all of us would promise to pursue and grow closer to God. And I promise here again that I will do that.

Thank you ma. May you rest in peace.

--

Chanyoung sent a note: Nate, your tribute was deeply touching. (I cried...) As one of the "international students" who found home away home thanks to Mrs. Sun's hospitality, I am grateful and indebted. Until now I didn't know about the ailments she had to endure for the past three years--may she rest in peace, finally at home with God after her sojourn on earth. Praying that God's peace, and knowledge that she's in God's care, comfort and strengthen your family in this difficult time. Speak to you soon.

[teamkaiforever]

ART SURPRISES

(requested by @sarcastic-vampiregirl) Kai Parker x Reader word count : 4 624 warning : smut summary :  Reader is an art major ; One day Kai shows up semi naked in her class when she has to draw a still life. keep reading after the cut * not my gif _______________________

Being an art major had always been a dream of Y/N’s ever since she had been little and her parents had allowed her to use the wall in her bedroom to draw with her pastels. They’d always tear the wallpaper down at the end of the month , keeping her sketches in rolls at the attic and replace it with a new one. Later on she took extra art classes at her high school as a preparation for applying to art school. Things had turned out exactly like Y/N had imagined her life would be, well almost. Most of her friends were supernaturals and there was no way to elude the dangers that came with this … or the surprises. Specially when it came to Malachai Parker. He was Dangerous with a capital D around everyone but her. With her it was all surprises - pleasant and some times not so pleasant. He wasn’t all bad , there were sweet sides to him but mostly he drove her nuts.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Y/N couldn’t wait to get home and relax after the long day at her college. Art is fun but sometimes it was a bit much , specially with assignments deadlines. Her car pulled in the driveway and she quickly got out , opening the door to the back seat taking her messenger bag and the large sketchpad. Tomorrow was going to be even more exhausting and Y/N couldn’t wait to get inside , take a long hot bath and go to sleep. Only when she came inside there was a surprise waiting for her. “You are late. Got stuck in traffic ?” said Kai who had made himself comfortable on her couch , munching on a pack with pork rinds. “Don’t worry , I got your dinner covered. After all someone has to look after you and make sure you eat properly.” Kai turned towards her with an amused expression on his face. Y/N’s jeans were covered with paint on a few spots and her hands had traces of it too. Kai noticed there was some graphite on her nose and pencils in her hair. But what got to him was her shocked expression. It flashed from surprise to confusion to anger to shock to surprise in a matter of seconds. He couldn’t help but laugh. Y/N’s mouth hung open and a moment later she swung her messenger bag in the air ready to smack Kai with it , only he whooshed himself away and the bag barely grazed his shoulder. “Get out of my house !” “Owwh.. So cranky. Did someone have a bad day ?” he said mockingly , rubbing his shoulder. “Violence is never the answer Y/N.” he scolded her. Y/N let out a sigh of frustration , dropping her bag on the floor shortening the distance between her and Kai. It was always like this with him - Y/N was one of the very few people who’d tolerate his company in the first place and for some reason that got him attached to her. He popped up pretty much everywhere around her , every day. “Actually my day was perfect until I found you in my house …eating my pork rinds.” she said grabbing the pack from his hands , dipping her hand inside to get some with a grin on her face. Kai looked more upset about her stealing his pork rinds than about the fact she had tried to smack him less than 3 minutes ago. “Oh ? Did you want these ?” Kai laughed for a second then clenched his jaw , getting up to chase after her. Y/N was driving him nuts. One moment she could be smiling at him and acting as if he is her best friend , the next one she’d be getting on his nerves like no one has ever managed. In fairness , he had sneaked into her house without any kind of warning … again , but still. She should know better than try and stand between him and his pork rinds. “How did you even get in my house?” she wondered , eluding him yet again at the stairs. “If you broke a window - you are paying for the repairs.” “Ha.Ha. Funny. Your bedroom window was open … again. Why aren’t you locking it up ?!” said Kai , stopping and crossing his hands on his chest as he watched Y/N wink at him and take a turn around the couch towards the fire place. “And you invited me in , remember ? What kind of a friend would I be if I don’t come to check up on you from time to time? Now gimme back my pork rinds.” “These?” she said looking at him innocently , pointing with her other hand at the package. Kai nodded , shortening the distance between them in a few seconds. “Yes. Gimme.” he grabbed her wrist pulling her towards him as she tried to escape from him again. Their eyes met and for a moment they gazed at each other before a smile spread across Kai’s face as he finally got his pork rinds back. “Your attitude is going to get you in trouble sweetheart. How many times do I have to tell you this ?” Y/N felt a little out of breath , not because Kai had chased her around the living room the past few minutes but because of the way he looked at her a few moments ago. Something different had flashed in his eyes , something she hadn’t seen before. “Is it ? Is it really ? Cuz I seem to be the only one who can push your buttons without feeling the wrath of Malachai Parker afterwards.” said Y/N raising her hands , shaking them in the air with fear and then tapped his nose , smiling innocently at him before taking a step aside and walking towards the kitchen to see what her dinner was. Kai stared after her wondering how is it that she is the only one who gets away with calling him by his full name and getting on his nerves in every possible way. If it was someone else , they’d already be two metres under ground. Perhaps it had to do with the weird feeling he got every time he was around her. Specially the feeling he had gotten a few seconds ago. Something had sparked deep inside him. Kai left the pork rinds on the coffee table and chased after her in vampire speed catching up with her in the kitchen. Y/N had bent over to see what’s in the oven and he could hear the change in her heart beat realising it was her favourite pizza. Kai grabbed her wrist and spun her around in vamp speed until her back was pressed against the kitchen counter and his chest firmly pressed against hers. Y/N looked up into his eyes feeling butterflies flap their wings in her stomach having him this close to her. His eyes which were a little darker shade of blue in that moment , not looking away from hers. She felt her breath get stuck in her throat sensing the danger levels around him raising. Their friendship was based on pushing the boundaries of the other. Kai leaned in towards her , unsure what he wanted to do exactly. He wasn’t exactly angry at her , there was something else he just didn’t know what it was. “So … you are staying for dinner or ?” asked Y/N feeling her heart beating faster than ever. Even she could hear her own heart beat. A smile spread across Kai’s face , though Y/N could see devils dancing in his eyes. “When my girl asks me this nicely , how would I decline.” he took a step backwards from her , his eyes following her every move. Kai wasnt sure what was happening with him , why his attitude towards her was so soft. Had it been someone else , they would’ve been food a long time ago. “Not your girl.” she replied. “Stop calling me that.” “But I like calling you that.” said Kai with a smile , taking out the pizza from the oven. “It has a nice ring to it - my girl … Kai’s girl. See ?” He cut the pizza , taking out two plates from the kitchen cabinet. Y/N rolled her eyes at his comment , sitting opposite him on the table reaching for a piece of her favourite pineapple ham pizza. As annoying as Kai was , sometimes his surprises were nice. “I’m starving …” Kai slapped her hand away. “Careful sweetheart. It’s still hot. You will hurt yourself.” Y/N stared at him reaching for a slice again , his hand grabbing her wrist. They stared at each other for a few seconds and he let go allowing her to get a slice. Instead she got two and hungrily started eating them. Kai stared at her laughing. “What ? No ‘thank you’ for making sure you don’t starve to death ?” he teased reaching to grab a slice himself , only Y/N slapped his hand away. He tried again - same thing. “You think you are funny don’t you? Come on Y/N , don’t deny it. You like me more each day..” Y/N only raised her eyebrows at him roughly running her fingers through her hair. She liked and hated him at the same time. It was a weird feeling to live with and sometimes it was hard to understand , even harder to explain. “Thank you … for the pizza.” “See ? It wasn’t so hard.” he teased trying to suppress a smile , reaching for a slice. “Shut up.” ___

6.45AM two days later  Y/N woke up , quickly getting a shower before getting her coffee in a to-go cup. There wasn’t much she needed for her classes that day except her big sketch book , a set of pencils and graphite , the rest of it she could get at the art supply room on campus. That day they were supposed to have someone model for the class. Drawing a still life wasn’t an easy job - she had to get most of the details right before the day was over because there wasn’t a second chance. Everything was going perfectly fine the first few hours until the moment Y/N looked up from the page and saw Kai , semi naked standing at the podium posing for her. He was standing barely a metre away from their official model for the day - a young girl from one of her other classes. Y/N blinked a few times thinking that maybe she was hallucinating. No one else seemed to notice anything but her. “Careful with the shadows.” said the teacher pointing at the model on the stage. “See how the light falls ?” Y/N nodded , taking in the teacher’s notes and nervously glanced at the podium again seeing Kai wasn’t there anymore. A deep sigh left her lips and she continued to working on her sketch. Kai had the habit of showing up almost everywhere she was but Y/N didn’t think he’d dare sneak into her art class. Her paranoia was turning into full blown hallucinations. “Incredible… so life like.” whispered someone in her ear making her jump up. Y/N turned around seeing Kai smiling widely at her. “Hi.” “What are you doing here ?!” she hissed , smiling nervously at her friend a metre and a half away from her who turned towards her with a confused expression. “I go to school here?!” replied her friend thinking Y/N was probably starting to lose her mind. Who knew , maybe she was … considering how seeing Kai semi naked made her feel all tingly on the inside. Kai suppressed a smile noticing how her heart was suddenly racing , even more so the closer to her he got. He trailed his finger around her back  , shoulder to shoulder sending shivers all through her body before leaning in to whisper in her ear , his lips nearly touching her skin as he spoke. “Oh they can’t see me sweetheart. It’s just you and me. God , I love cloaking and illusion spells ! ” he said amused , bracing his hands on the back of her chair. “I am here to be your muse for the day. Don’t tell me you are disappointed to see me.” “Please leave.” “Why ? Am I distracting you ?” said Kai innocently taking a step in front of her , allowing her to take a really good look at his bare chest. Y/N almost reached her hand to touch the hair on his stomach but quickly stopped herself.  "Did you really think you can keep pushing your luck without consequences ?“ he chuckled. A smug smirk showed on his face noticing how her eyes kept drifting from the canvas to his chest , down to his boxers instead of focusing on her assignment. “You are dying to put your hands on me aren’t you ? I don’t blame you sweetheart. I mean , how can you resist someone who looks like this ?” he said pointing at himself. Y/N shook her head slightly , taking a shallow breath. It was one thing when Kai stalked her at home or at any of her other favourite places but showing up at her college was new. Specially with all her classmates and teachers around. She blinked fast a couple of times , trying hard to push away the thoughts that kept swarming in her mind. Y/N was starting to get lost in a day dream about him - her hands roaming his chest , his lips on hers while Kai was holding her close to his naked body - .. Damn it Malachai. she thought. One of the most important assignments for the semester and he picks that day to show up and distract her. Y/N couldn’t be mad at him even if she tried , not when he was standing this close , walking by in front of her every few minutes striking a pose. He was messing with her head big time. Every time she was supposed to glance at the model on the podium , her eyes drifted towards him and she felt her cheeks flush more and more. It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen Kai shirtless before but this time was different. He wanted to drive her crazy and worst of all - he was succeeding at it. Y/N felt herself slowly starting to get wet. Kai bit his lower lip looking at her with hooded eyes. “Having trouble concentrating ?” “You are so full of yourself Malachai.” she whispered quietly praying her heart beat would calm down. Kai grinned at her reaction. Being a vampire had its perks. “Don’t deny it. I can hear your heart beat sweetheart.” he leaned in closer to her , his crotch lightly brushing against her shoulder making her shiver a little. Her eyelids fluttered closed for a second in an attempt to steady her breathing , only things backfired. “And your breathing just now went from uneven to shallow. ” Kai moved a bit closer to her. “Oh there it is again. So close yet you can’t touch me. Must be driving you insane.” he chuckled. Y/N clenched her jaw trying to ignore the tingly feeling in her stomach spreading towards her core in crashing waves. Her fingers wrapped around the pencil tightly, working on the shadows. It was hard to keep her hand steady while thinking about how it would feel to touch him and have him fill her in… She closed her eyes shaking her head. No , snap out of it. she thought. Kai leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Imagine what it would feel like to have my hands roam every inch of your body.” he spoke every word slowly letting his hot breath tickling the skin of her neck. “Kissing your neck and nibbling on your earlobe while my fingers play with you before dipping inside you over and over again making you moan my name.” “Go. Away..” hissed Y/N , clearing her throat. She could already feel her skin on fire and she was pretty sure it had nothing to do with the heat outside. Her eyes drifted to Kai noticing a slight bulge forming in his boxers and his hand casually brushing his member through the fabric as if it was the most normal thing to do in the middle of art class while a girl is starring at him. Y/N blinked fast a couple of times awkwardly looking away , not before noticing the grin on his face. He was doing it on purpose , as a payback for her pushing his buttons all the time. She didn’t plan on giving in not matter how irresistible he was and how he was making her feel in that moment. “You want me to grab you , shove you against the wall and fuck you until you don’t remember your own name.” he whispered in her ear. “Admit it.” “No , I dont.” she snapped making everyone turn around to look at her. “Sorry. Just … thinking about the .. never mind.” Kai laughed seeing her tense , pushing her thighs together moving to the edge of her seat. The longer he talked the harder it got for her to resist the urge to grab him right then and there. “You can fight it all you want but its in your eyes every time I see you,  sweetheart.” he said resting his back against the window barely 2 steps away from her. “I bet  you have even dreamed about me.” Silence. “I guessed it didn’t I?” said Kai amused. “Ahh I wonder what you taste like ?” he thought out loud. “What it would feel like to have you squirming before me , screaming my name as I devour you over …  and over … again.” Y/N bit her lower lip slightly throwing her head back  trying not to think about it which only resulted in her thinking about it. She could feel the wet spot forming in her panties , getting more wet by the second the longer her mind drifted  in the daydream. Her hand held the pencil hovering over the page , not moving an inch. “You are thinking about it aren’t you ?” said Kai grinning. “Ahh I wish I could touch you right now…” he trailed off. Kai’s fingertips glazed across her skin sending electricity coursing through her body. He bit his lip seeing her reaction , how she leaned in towards him completely distracted and lost in day dreams about him. Y/N hadn’t even heard the bell ring until her teacher came over to ask her to return all the supplies her classmates had taken from the storage room back before leaving. She looked around noticing Kai was not there and the crushing disappointment of that realisation made her even more frustrated and confused. There was no one left in the classroom by the time she had gathered her things and walked into the supply room. Y/N opened the door with a sigh , leaving the paint on the shelf stopping for a moment , replaying what Kai had said and did barely a few minutes ago. Her eyes fluttered closed and the next moment she felt someone snake their hands around her waist , pressing their body firmly towards hers from behind. The sound of the door closing and locking following shortly after. Her breath got caught in her throat seeing the rings on the person’s fingers , realising it was Kai. She rested her back against his chest feeling his uneven breathing and the bulge in his boxers. “Did you have fun watching me blush the entire time?” she asked quietly not even bothering to push him away. “Question is … did you?” he whispered , his hand pushing down her short shorts directly under her panties. His fingers rubbed her clit slowly drawing soft moans from her. “Mmm it appears you did. You are so wet .. I think you might be dripping.” Kai dipped his finger inside her , her hands holding onto the shelf tightly as she closed her eyes and soft moan left her lips. At first he teased her just with his middle finger , slowly curling it around pushing and pulling at a steady rhythm before adding another finger picking up the pace. “Damn it Kai..” she whispered feeling his hand slide under her shirt , pulling her body closer to his before his hand reached her breasts. “You couldn’t help yourself could you.” “Not when it comes to you sweetheart.” whispered Kai , biting her earlobe as his fingers picked up the pace even more. Y/N pushed her hips down on them wishing for him to go deeper. “So tight. Oh it would feel so good stretching you out later.” ‘What?’ she mouthed , feeling butterflies in her stomach. Kai’s words slowly pushing their way into her mind. Y/N tried to focus with no luck , her head was spinning and all self control was draining away from her each time his fingers curled inside her. “Told you you want me.” “No , I don’t. What gave you that idea?” she whispered, resting her head against his chest , tilting it slightly feeling Kai leaving wet kisses all over her neck. Soft moans leaving her lips as her ass pushed back at his crotch making him harder by the second. “There it is again. You say 'no’ but your actions suggest otherwise.” he said quietly. “Why do you have to be so confusing?” “I am confusing ? How about you mister irresistible ?” she retorted. “Don’t get any ideas. It’s a one time thing.” “It doesn’t have to be princess.” he bit her earlobe. “I can be your dirty little secret and you can be mine..” Did Kai just said what Y/N thought he said ? “I’d rather die.” she lied. In response Kai’s fingers pushed roughly inside her making her scream out a little. Kai heard the change in her heart beat at her last words and couldn’t help but smile. “Lie all you want sweetheart… but we both know the truth.” said Kai. He held her firmly towards his body as she came moaning his name. He hadn’t realised until that moment the effect she has on him, how crazy her saying 'no’ and pushing his buttons really made him feel. He spun her around , tasting her on his fingers moaning as he did so and a smile spread across his face. “You taste even more amazing than I thought.” Y/N smashed her lips against his, nearly knocking over the shelf behind him hearing as if from a distance a few jars with paint crack on the ground. His hands wrapped around her waist , moving towards her ass pulling her towards him , both of them moaning into the kiss. Everywhere his hands touched her bare skin it felt like flames were licking up her skin. Kai’s lips moved towards her neck , making her throw her head back a bit while her fingers tangled in his hair. “I still don’t like you.” she whispered another lie , pushing her hand in his boxers wrapping his fingers around him. “I can make you like me.” whispered Kai smiling at her heartbeat change. A split second his lips crashed against hers as he smashed her body against the door. He unbuttoned her short shorts , pushing them down her legs along with her panties at the same time she pushed his boxers down , her fingers wrapped around his thick shaft pumping him slowly drawing circles on the tip gathering the pre cum from it. Kai looked at her amazed , seeing her lick her fingers tasting him on them. Y/N’s eyes never left his and he felt his length twitch at the thought of having her lips around him. He stepped towards her ready to shove her body against the door and when she took a step towards him. “Catch.” Y/N’s feet pushed off the ground , hitching around Kai’s waist. Kai pressed her back against the door as his hips pushed up at her , burying himself into her with a hard thrust making her scream out. “Fuck Ka-” “Sshhh sweetheart. Or do you want us to get caught and get you in trouble ?” he whispered placing his hand on her mouth. Kai watched her eyes roll in her sockets a little every time his thick shaft went inside her. Y/N held onto his back digging her nails into his flesh a little bit deeper each time. Even with his hand muffling the moans it wasn’t enough. Kai was filling her to the hilt , making her body jolt upward almost every time. Through her half-lidded eyes she could see Kai’s blue eyes fixed on her the entire time. He was driving her nuts , setting her on fire without even pausing to let her take a breath. “Ah Y/N , I could get used to this.” he grunted. Y/N gripped on his hair , feeling her walls clench around him the faster he pumped in and out of her. Kai removed his hand from her mouth , smashing his lips against hers ,drowning out her moans. “At first I thought I’d just get back at you , get you flustered and leave you … but how can I leave my girl like that?” he chuckled. Y/N was out of breath , barely able to keep her eyes open let alone think. Kai had picked up the pace so much , her moans were starting to turn into screams. His lips barely left hers trying to muffle them. She felt his length twitch inside her , purple / black veins showing under his eyes. “Kai I swear if you .. FUck” Next moment she came around him , her hands reaching for something to hold on to grabbing on the shelf. Y/N’s orgasm triggered his , his body pressing against hers harder. Kai realised she hadn’t been using his full name since he had wrapped his hands around her half an hour ago.  A smug smirk showed on his face at this realisation and seeing her squirm and struggle to hold onto him. Kai’s lips pressed against hers, their lips moving in sync and then he felt something cold trickle down his back , followed by the sound of glass breaking on the ground. “What the …” Y/N burst into laughter seeing Kai’s expression. “Sorry.. my bad.” Kai let her feet down on the ground so suddenly , not realising she was still holding onto the shelf.  A large pack with blue paint covered her from head to toe and she froze on the spot. Kai grinned taking a step back to avoid the paint. “You look great in blue. Kind of like those Avatar creatures…. or a Smurf.” laughed Kai pointing at her. Y/N wiped away paint from her eyes and looked down at herself pressing her lips in a thin line. “Ha.Ha.Ha. Hilarious.” she tried hard not to laugh. He was laughing so hard , his back hit the shelf behind him causing another accident getting himself covered with paint head to toe. His hands wiped some of it from his face looking at her. “Awwhhh…” she said mockingly , bursting into laughter a moment later. “Do you want to make purple , red boy? Come here … come on.” Y/N took a step towards him , her hands outstretched. Kai backed towards the shelf  so fast he knocked over another jar staining himself with yellow too. She burst into laughter watching Kai jump up , wiping paint away from his face. “OH you are so going to get it.” he threatened. “Is that a yes?” The sounds of someone trying to unlock the door snapped both of them back to reality. Her eyes pleaded with him but he only shook his head , his smile never leaving his face. “Damn you Ma-” In vampire speed he grabbed their things , putting his hand over her mouth muttering Invisique. Kai held onto her tightly at the exact moment the door opened and he quickly ran past her teacher in vampire speed whooshing them away. _______________________ MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017 MASTERLIST JUNE 2017

[midnatt-heronweather]

2019

My Year review, for my own reasons, starts from March 7th.

though what I will say about pre then is, it is an honour to be known by the creator (Cassandra Clare) as the first person to ever admit to being a fan of the Starkweather family after asking about them when she and Holly Black came to Manchester in February. And that I owe that little meet for making me properly look at Holly “Folk of air.” series.___________________________________________________________________________________________

Gigs:

I pick 7th of March to start this review because it is the day myself, Heather and Ally went to see Freya Ridings who had the week before had her song “Lost Without you.” played in an important scene on the final half of the final season of Shadowhunters. I didn’t get to meet her this time, so her song card is still in my folder to be signed one day, and I have hope it will.

As seems to be my song recently, I didn’t get to many gigs this year, though a lot of my fave people toured (some even reformed, but that was over in the US)Due to funds we didn’t even to any Whitby this year (any as there are 4 now may I remind the reader)

Don’t ask me why but I went to see John Barrowmans Christmas show in Harrogate. I love the man but.. I’ll stick to the normal stuff.. if you can call anything Barrowpants does as normal.

What I did get to, was see Counterfeit the week before my birthday with Ally, Jaime and co were on top form and so what I needed after a perfectly ghastly couple of weeks leading up.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Conventions:

*Liverpool Comic Con The same weekend at the Frey Ridings gig, gave me more time with my pack on a bad week. But I’m not talking about that here.Anyway, my reason for Liverpool Comic Con this year was the chance to meet Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen, Twilight / Max Lord, Supergirl)I am a after all a Twilight and a Supergirl fan and also S.W.A.T fan (but he left in s1)Peter told me he hadn’t been written out of SG to make way for the LGBT storyline, he’d asked to be left out as the show had to move filming locations and he didn’t want to be so far from his family all the year. I didn’t gloat to the Sanverse lot but it was tempting.

I also got to speak with Paul (Paul Schrier and Jason Narvy) who played Bulk from Bulk and Skull in Power Rangers, thought Jason waved. They are both sweethearts and while, as mad as their on-screen counterparts, not as annoying, I walked past Paul a few times before finally deciding to ranger up and tell him he was the first person I saw on screen and considered a role model for the “bigger” person. He told me an awesome story about another girl who because she was big had been stuck playing him until he’d fronted up to kids making her and she got to play one of the rangers.I saw the duo again at “Wales” in December and Paul remembered me when I said hi.

*Survival 4 - 2019-04-05 to 2019-04-07 -Ren, London: the first Starfury of the year, the convention I’d given an entire show a 3rd look for after finding out Sean was actually inviting the Seelie Queen herself Lola Flanery (Maddie Griffin, The 100), I’m still not sure if she was amazed, saddened or sickened by the fact me and Heather had come to the convention just for her, but it got a few laughs from Sachin Sahel (Eric Jackson, The 100) who seemed to be her escort for the weekend.I dropped to my knees in the proper greeting of the queen that Jade Hassoune (Meliorn) had taught me the year before at the first Pancon, gave her the fanmade cookbook (don’t ask) and.. I like to think we impress her with our Seelie court cosplay despite being rushed by Sean's announcing.

* Last Wales Comic Con in Telford I looked a tit. I left my shoulder piece at ally so ended up looking like some Roman surf.Meeting David Wenham didn’t go to plan in the slightest, he is my fave actor from Lord Of The Rings and yet somehow, telling him that seemed to bore him.

Russell Tovey (George, Being Human/ Ray Terrill, The Flash) was polite, but colder than I’d have expected, especially when he was so animated and nice to everyone else.

While I have Amanda Tapping auto twice from a friend, finally standing beside her (Capt Carter, Stargate / Dr Magnus, Sanctuary) was an honour, especially When she seemed to like Martouf the Symbiote, as I said my Tok’ra costume had gone to hell but her smile made it bearable.

Alexander Ludwig ( Bjorn, Vikings) was wearing a shirt from Descended from Odin, he laughed when I recognised the logo he is so far the nicest OG Vikings cast member I’ve met.

* Starfury Ultimates 4 - 2019-05-17- 2019-05-19/20 - Hilton, Birmingham:

I got to meet the love interest of my favourite Coluan, Nicole Maines (Nia Nall/Dreamer, Superigrl) and the last reason I have to watch Legends in the form of the amazing Amy Louise Pemberton (Gideon), me and Louiza did our first duo cosplay as Jareth and Sarah from The Labyrinth, though I forgot the Goblin King wears Make up, I seemed to do okay as far as the SF peeps thought.

*LFCC:

well, I’ve said all I am going to say about the lies and lack of organisation and care from the stewards. so. The con....I died, visibly, slowly, but with a lot of translating from my long suffering Parbatai Heather I managed to meet, greet and speak with BOTH Greyjoys,First I had to face them for a photo shoot, in a uniform that was smaller than it was supposed to be, I felt daft not only because it was a Starfleet uniform but because I’d dreamed of cosplaying a greyjoy and my size made it if nothing else monetarily impossible, so I threaded my OBO necklace under my collar, totally against Starfleet regs, and stepped, up, Gemma said hello and Alfie went to before seeing the octopus, I wanted the ground to open up till he beamed“its like a Star trek Greyjoy crossover!” you can guess how happy I was he liked it.At the Autograph table Gemma (Yara) revealed she’s actually a Wessie like me. When I told her she was the best actress in all of Gentleman Jack for even attempting the accent and giving her character believability she said “yes..well.. I grew up in Headingley.” to which If I hadn’t already been falling a part I would have gone to pieces, as was I think I croaked my way through “what.. seriously. Someone cool.. from my area?” or something along those lines.Facing her on-screen brother was possibly the most Fan-squee moment I can ever remember having, and that include quiet a few awesome meets in my conlife. We cued, and I suddenly found my breath was short, his PA miming asked me if I’d had a drink I nodded, he then mimed I was breathless because of Alfie and not him and that he’d fight Alfie which got me laughing, I faced Alfie, took as much concentration I could muster, telling him I’d been there since ep 1, loved the Greyjoys through everything, it was amazing, he is so sweet and so shy, more so than when we’d met him a few years ago backstage for that brief moment, thinking on it it did explain a lot, also why he had his dog Ata with him and had randomly walked past us before taking him for a walk, but standing there in front of him its..indescribable.

Also at LFCC were Zachary Quinto ( Kelvin Timeline Spock) who seemed very taken by Alfie's dog Ata, he wouldn’t do LLAP in photoshoots, at first I thought that was because of the way I approached him, I was unable to keep my breath and looked like I’d been crying, but apparently he just doesn’t do it. Lends itself to the old rumour that for the movies he had to glue his fingers to get it right doesn’t it? He was sweet, I can’t really say much else because I didn’t get the time thanks to ‘things’ to spend time talking with him.

The reason for my costume choice was Shazad Latif (by then Commander Ash Tyler, Star Trek Discovery) I’d met him the previous year but had not had the money to get a photograph with him, so that's what I did, he’s a nice lad, and doesn’t mind goofs as I remembered from last year. I saw him again at DST and told him about a scene in a recent show he did where he didn’t realise someone had accidentally mimicked his accent.

*Starfury Highlanders 4 - 2019-08-09 to 2019-08-11 - Hilton, Birmingham:

Met David Berry and finally met the Queen of Hearts Maria Doyle Kennedy.Made a fool of myself. Got told I ask to many questions and saw Sean so drunk he left hie wallet/card on top and cigars on the bar in public.Also this was the convention that determined a new personal rule. I am not doing 3 day cons for any less than 3 interesting guests. Shadowhunters cast being the exception to the rule only if its someone I’ve not met before.I try to keep to the same rule with Day cons but sometimes there's just someone who makes that impossible (Tom Burke back at a Newcastle comic con a few years ago being my go to example)

* Pandemonium con2:

3rd Shadowhunters con I’d attended.I know I shocked Matt (Alec), Luke (johnathan) and Kat (Clary) as the Owl.I’m told Dom (Jace) was shocked to and said the mask was better than the one he’d worn which we all know is just him being kind to broke overweight untalented fan.Luke is a gent, think I wierded him out asking for him to go full Johnathan in the photo, but he seemed to forgive me when I told him me and my friends Carla and Michelle had dreamcast him as Spike in the Buffy revival (and Jade as Willow obv)Chai (Jordan) is always madness, all the time. And didn’t mind getting scolded for spoilering one of his own charectars deaths to a fan (me) who’d only agreed to watch the show because of him and Lola (Seelie Queen) being in it. He took it with good humour and began discussing spoilering and its limits. He was wierded out by me A.L.I.E photoshoot idea, when most people want hugs and high fives and stuff.

my season 2 Seelie didn’t get the reaction from Jade (Meliorn) my s1 did in Milan the previous year, but I think by then he knew I was mad enough to try it, and it wasnt a direct attempt at him (not for lack of trying)He loved the Buffy notebook set and Hufflepuff hat I got him, was even wearing it at closing, though I didn’t get pics as my camera died. Wasnt surprised apparently, that I’m Hufflepuff too. Which most would have taken as a barb but just kept me grinning.I gave him Tomato crisps but he has yet to tell me the answer to the question he asked had asked me when I first found them over here “are they the real thing?”I also brought a little dragon to meet its name sake, I did considering giving him it but I think I overloaded him, he was a flattered by the likeness though, also by the smell? Guessed it was a boy angel knows how because I don’t.

I met Nicola Damude (Maryse) in Milan, but because of stuff and thangs I didn’t get to talk to her for long, so when she got announced it was heaven for me,I gave her a jar of Pontefract cakes from the Castle (still not sure why) and she asked if she could give them to her dad who loves black Liquorice, I was pleased as anything, and she asked me where Pontefract was and I for some reason said“famous for Liquorice, racing and hot pokers.” to which Ally explained and got nick laughing.Ally cosplayed Maryse which had Nic smiling like a chesire cat and her picture where Allys brought out Biromantic heart flag will go into her wall of pride flags which she puts in her window during pride week at home in Canada even when shes away working.

*Destination Star Trek 2019:

I met up with Villiana and Sarah at DST, still surprised Sarah was a Trekkie, but it made the con more interesting, intop obviously of my 5 reasons for attending despite cash flow Shazad Latif (Commander Ash Tyler), Wilson Cruz and Anthony Rapp (Dr Hugh Culber and Lieutenant Paul Stamets), Alan Van Sprang (Commander Leland/Control) and Ethan Peck (Liuetenant Spock)

When I met Wilson Cruz I gave him the picture I’d got last year to sign and told him it was for my friend who was a nurse and couldn’t attend, he said “theirs always next year” adding quickly “if we’re asked.” to which I grinned, I explained how she was a Cardiac nurse and couldn’t rearrange shifts when they (he and Anthony) got announced, how she’d binged both seasons and they were her faves. He was proud to be playing a doctor liked by a nurse.

First photo was with Ethan, I was nervous as hells. Despite the fact it seemed only I remembered the significance of Alice in Wonderland to Spock I went through with my idea, he leant over my shoulder looking interested, I was so happy even after I realised the book was facing to far right for the cover to be readable. Ethan asked about the pic when I went to his table to get his autograph and I said it was awesome,turns out I was so annoyed at myself for the way I held the book, I’d not noticed he was giving the book the Spock eyebrow till I scanned it.I asked him if he’d do me a favour when he went back on the set of Penny Dreadful and told him about Live Dom and Prosper to which he laughed and said he’d only seen Dominic the day before.

While I was cuing for Ethans auto there was a girl behind me talking about asking Shazad who was sat next to him to sign her s31 badge she’d just bought, I’ve had mine since they came out and com badges before that so I turned round and told her it would be impossible to keep in tact, she said it wouldn’t matter just because she’d been up to him to get it signed, and I looked where she’d positioned it and tried to keep myself from saying anything else, someone gave her a pen they thought would last better, a group gathered trying to talk her ionto it, and while they were talking Shazads cue wass empty so I wandered over, got my friend Michelle is auto and talked about Departure where he didn’t know for a few moments in one scene a Canadian playing a Brit hadn’t been able to help mimicking his London accent, he found it funny and couldn’t believe I noticed, I shrugged and said “two of my fave actors in one scene, I notice these things.” I told him where to look and he wrote it down. I then asked if there was any plans to try and get Ash into the section 31 show even as a hologram and he said there was a discussion going on which got me grinning, I turned round and the girls thought I’d told but I shook my head, I wanted none of it. But when I got back in Ethans line she stepped out of and went to ask him, he didn’t look very bothered about where she had it, he just liked the idea.

From day 1 There was no question I was walking out as Section 31 again, but this time, instead of being the only black badge I was one of a sea, I was however the only one to give Alan Van Sprang a 3d print copy of the ship, his ship, the NCIA-93 which he loved, said I’d out done myself (after the rune com I gave him last year) and took another Selfie I’ll never see lol

my friend Ashley took photos of the whole encounter, from Alan thinking I’d given him a box of bubble wrap to the shock on his face, he said getting the ship was 2nd in awesome only to stepping onto the set of the ship itself.We got talking, I asked him about something Nicola had said at pancon, that when he’d had his first and only scene with her he’d called her Marsee instead of Maryse and he said its true and that she’d told him she’d told the story at a con the previous month, I said it was only last week, to which Ash from over my shoulder said that I am and I quote “the number one fan in the UK and universally known in the con community as the biggest fan and a lot of people only knew of Shadowhunters because of me,” apparently that's a consensus as I found out later, and as much as I don’t think its strictly true I was honoured never the less,he wasn’t took keen on my writing, apparently Lisa looked like Lisa am or something? don’t ask.So we were chatting and suddenly I noticed this head bobbing up and down behind him, Wilson Cruz had left his place and was using a chair to do raised push ups because he was bored.I realised that I’d stood chatting to Alan longer than was strictly polite for other fans so I bowed out, Saw him again for photos, where he and Shazad made me very happy

I do feel a bit of dope, I brought my asexual flag for my photo with Wilson and Anthony, but when Anthony asked me what the colours meant my brain went blank, I have to agree to tweet him a link. At least with him and Wilson I know they check twitter lol.

When I went up to get Anthony's auto on the Culmets photo for Ally I told him the same as I’d told Wilson how about Ally binging the show and loving them, how I’d pretty much known who’d she’d go for as faves, how she's a combo of the two and how..well what I said was “Paul rocks.” to which he grinned and said “of course he does.” LOL

* Miracle Day Returns (5) 2019-11-15 to 2019-11-17 - -Ren, London: Seeing the old crowd was perfect for the last Starfury of the year (Destiny never counts)hearing from Gareth on the future potential for music, getting ribbed by Kai, and of course watching the two of them taking the piss out of John is always a riot.Seeing Kai and Eve handing Sean a peition for a 5th Miracle Day was awesome, and we know it will happen.. somewhere down the line

*Wales Comic Con Telford Takeover December: I am not standing on Aidan’s foot in the picture!That I have to be clear on, I am getting fking sick of people joking that I am. He is still laughing from a previous person in the booth and her kid., I would have gone back and asked about reshoots but door were closed and I figured Aidan had left as he was on a schedule.

Colton loved his Pokeball even if I did get them mixed up and have to get him and Adam to swap.Told me Roy end up with his arm back “sort of.” and there's no plans for him to be in the spin off but “its the future, you never know.”

Dean O’Gorman (Bragi, Almighty Johnson's) loved the fact I’d brought the cover of young Herc to be signed, and told me that it was the Pilot which explained why Ian didn’t continue as young Herc (scheduling)

Tyler confirmed he is the Superman in the spin off. I knew it was but just hearing him say it :DTyler and Colton both recognised us, it was awesome!

While I am Ify on the new location due to travel funds and things, generally the convention was awesome as always. ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stuff

TVWith the end of Shadowhunters I have seriously been lacking new shows.I’ve tried different things and nothings stuck.Star Trek Discovery aired at the same time as Shadowhunters and was over nearly at the same time.The In-Between was interesting but isn’t getting a season 2,The Expanse s4 only started last week,Shadowhunters, TVD, Teen Wolf, Grimm, Torchwood, Xena, Bad Girls The Tribe, True Blood, Andromeda, American Horror Story, Merlin, B5, Stargate, its a short list but a special oneso I’ve started rewatches : my go to’s (see above list^) till something sneaks up.

MusicPretty much the same deal.J4de released some awesome songs, but that’s 4 songs, the EP is out ‘later’.but no new band has really grabbed me.

Upside? In November we learned that My Chem have reformed, just gotta wait and see if they record or tour outside the US. _______________________________________________________

Important

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” - C.S. Lewis

As always I have to have to mark those people who have made this year bareable,the good thing is this year there is no need for a piece on those who've also made it unbearable.

you know who you are, and if you don't.. assume i'm talking of you, because likely hood is I am.

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." - J. R. R. Tolkien

And that is.. or was it. Goodbye 2019

[missinyousoftly]

Thr beginning & The end...

So many questions; so many thoughts running through my mind, I'm so tired but I just can't sleep because I've honestly never felt so alone in my entire life. Am I a shitty mother because of my drug addiction? Am I a shitty mother because I wasnt ready? Am I a terrible person? Do I wanna be alive? All these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis ... is this the beginning or the end? I've wanted my life to be so easy but the truth is it hasn't. From being raped, to my father verbally abusing me to losing my grandpa and to losing two of my best friends Troy and Hunter. I've had a lot of trauma in my life. I'm not really sure how to handle it. When you're raped it's not something "you just get over". You learn how to cope with it and trust me it's not easy because even after 6 years it still hits me hard because I haven't coped with it. I haven't found peace with it. I haven't really done anything about it. Or about anything really. All I can do is try and move on from it.. but honestly there's no way you can... you still think about what if you see the person? What are you gonna Do? Are you gonna cry? What? These are questions I ask myself daily... I really try, I really do... but I just can't find peace with it, and I'm hoping that I can one day.. but I've learned that you can't reverse time.. even though you wish you can because then it would bring people back into your life and people you don't want in your life don't have to be.... now here's the story about my dad verbally abusing me. When I was about 2 to 3. My dad got drunk and pointed a gun at my mom and was gonna shoot her.. I didn't know what to do... I was only 2 or 3 at the time. Not a whole lot i could do... that really does f*** a person up; and when he finally got out of the house and moved away. We didn't know what happened to him, he fell off the face of the earth until I was about 7.. that's when he decided to come back into my life... I went to visit him one summer and he told me all these lies about my mom; like the fact that she didn't really love Me, and that she was using me for a child support check. And the time that he told me my mom wanted all boys and got me and she was so frustrated with having a girl.. And then when I was 15.. I decided that hey maybe moving in with him wouldn't be such a bad idea; because hey no one knows who I am or what I've been through. So I moved to Omaha and nothing really happened there except on Thanksgiving. And of course the first thanksgiving I was away from my mom and her side of the family was when my grandpa passed away.... now those of you don't know my grandpa. But that man was the biggest role model I've ever had. My best friend my rock my everything. I loved him with every ounce of my heart.. he loved me unconditionally no matter what I did. We spent a lot of time together whether it was going metal detecting, going to the park, going fishing. Just anything that we would do together; would honestly be the time of my life.. I asked him when I got married; would he walk me down the aisle? He said yes of course. My father wouldn't let me see my grandpa when he was sick. There's so many things that I just dont understand nor do I ever think I will... My grandpa knew he was sick the last time I seen him because I went to my dad's and I went over there to say see you soon... And he said Becky; if I don't ever see you again just know that I love you oh so much... it hurts me so much to know that I haven't really grieved properly about his death because I feel guilty for not being here. He held on because he'd hoped I come back... but I didn't... I just wanna go to heaven and be with you again grandpa. You're my whole world. My best friend and my everything. I love you and miss you so much... 😭😭😭

[miniclipgames-blog1]

The Walking Dead: A New Frontier - Episode 2 Review

Following your strong begin to the season of which Telltale delivered with show one, anticipation were large for event two to do on free online adventure games that will same stage. Having twisted up the capturing match with their particular assailants, every person met support at Prescott. Not long following the same music group of thugs shows up to chase all of them out-of-town, and so began a new stint on their own as they make an effort to figure out what to do next. Their particular top priority: working with the consequences and trying to obtain Kate the particular medical attention the girl needs. The attack tears some members of the group apart, while it fortifies the handle of others, creating a believable powerful. Kates looming fate not just served to drive the group this episode, it provided a good bit of stress. Her interactions with Javier were significant and heartfelt, and everyones care for her seemed authentic. The character development the situation prompted in Gabriel was each real and well done, and it will be interesting to see wherever his history free online games leads him or her through the rest of the season. Javiers flashback at the beginning did properly to further set up his relationship with Kate. The lively tones from your first episode suddenly got much more serious as the previous was proven and it shed light on the kind of person Jesse was, the two as a sibling and a spouse, which introduced some sense to the connection the two discussed through the season thus far.

On the flip side, Clems flashback close to the end developed on the path her quest took the woman prior to the start of the season, taking place after a time miss. Her first introduction to the newest Frontier furthers both the woman back story and qualified prospects into the last section of the particular episode. The choices this time around moved up their own game in addition to were greatly driven by emotion instead of practicality. The impact they still left emotionally has been greater than people the first show and they had been more difficult to create; I wavered a little bit with a few of them, evaluating the choices and trying to imagine the final results that each may cause not only in this specific episode, yet down the road closer to the video games conclusion as well. That talks well to be able to how they and the characters included in them had been designed; it had been difficult to take sides with no second thought, which simply served in order to suck myself into the world theyve produced even more as compared to I previously had been. Young kids characters from your television series has been much valued. Jesus, the next to make that will transition, was a fun companion despite how he started to be involved later in the Brand new Frontier. The role hell play in the staying episodes is really as of but unclear, nevertheless that mystery isnt entirely unwelcome. It also made me question who more from the display might make an appearance, if any. The final bombshell that leads into the subsequent episode is not something I was expecting, so that it gets factors for that. Sometimes the foreshadowing can be completely obvious, nonetheless it was subtle enough to not distract through the other events and made for a surprising end.

A small annoyance for me, being a huge fan of zombies in addition to zombie survival scenarios, was that everywhere they went these people didnt bother with practical points. After the shootout that wrapped up the premier they still left all the food and supplies in the van rather than take them, things like that. This likely isnt something that most people would value, but its the glaring fine detail for anyone with this problem. Overall the brand new Frontier has been more of the exact same, a good extension from the premier of the time of year. The mechanics remained solid and in spite of what I have seen regarding other individuals experiences We wasnt subjected to glitches regarding any kind. Even though the overall sculpt was more subdued in addition to somber, the particular emotion nevertheless played a new prominent role and it had been incredibly an easy task to become immersed in the groupings journey. This didnt pretty stack up to the strong giving of the first episode, but it received pretty damn close. It served being a good start up to the newly formed groups quest and ended on a be aware that implied of which things may explode much more ways as compared to one in another episode. The got me personally interested to see how this gets fixed if it will get resolved.

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