#I feel like I’ve already fucked up everything for my grad apps… like grades aren’t the best I haven’t done any rlly impressive internships

[lovethatlaiduslow]

Looking at grad school apps rn and it’s genuinely so over I’ve never accomplished anything or met a single person in my life #scared #girlunemployed

[kkaeb-my-song]

I talked to a biotech company recruiter today and what do ya know, a lot of the positions I've been applying to may be rejecting me bc I'm still in school and can't start right away. And positions for recent grads may not even open until May. LOL so my past 30+ apps have been useless then? Great. Wonderful. Fuck my life. 

 I'm so tired of trying. Busting my ass for four years, and now I'm exhausted. I miss feeling somewhat secure. I'm trying to find that spark I had four years ago, but it's so hard to rekindle. Now I'm staring at the ceiling, when I should be doing work, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next. 

 I came to school wanting to go to med school. Then it became grad school. Then it became industry because my grades aren't good enough to get into a good program and I didn't do well enough in any of my classes to feel comfortable asking for letters of rec. Now I'm even having trouble breaking into industry. I can't say that I fucked up. I genuinely tried my best. This is my best. And my best isn't good enough and it fucking hurts. 

 I barely had a life in college because academics took up so much of my time. And now I'm probably graduating without a job in place. All that work for nothing. Okay, maybe not all for nothing, but it sure as hell feels like I wasted my time. 

 I'm sorry. I'm trying to make myself feel better. I want to talk to my mom but she'll give me the same talk she always does, and I don't think it will be helpful this time. I want to talk to a friend, but I don't think I've really opened up to anyone irl about how difficult things have been for me lately. Most of them have grad school decisions or a job lined up, and tbh I don't feel like dealing with their pity. 

I guess I can wait until more jobs are open, but everything is so competitive nowadays. I feel useless that I don't already have a position. That my internship didn't turn into a post-grad offer. That my second interview with a company didn't turn into an offer. That none of my other applications made it to an interview stage. That I spent over fifty hours on job apps and still nothing. I'm tired. But I feel like all I do is sleep.

I want to take a break. Not a gap year, but maybe a gap summer. Work at a research lab for a bit. Get a part-time job to have some kind of income. Live at home for a while. Keep looking for great opportunities and keep applying to jobs. That’s what I want and it’s probably what I need, but I feel like such a loser for not having a job like everyone else.

It’s midnight and I haven’t started on homework that’s due tomorrow. This entire day was me applying and stressing about jobs. What a shit day.