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#I feel like I['m missing some but
musubiki · 2 months
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lately ive been thinking about the contrast going on in Early Lime where hes like "tbh im pretty sure i could have any girl i wanted including mochi i mean i guess if she wanted we could give it a shot one day but i dont really care lol" and then very easily becoming completely unhinged for her the second he gets a tinge of romantic affection
#lime: yeah mochis not a huge deal i mean were friends#af (after affection) lime: *needs to dunk his head in the sink at least once a week trying to snap himself out of thinking about her*#anyway. its been a while since them i miss them#my recent development is taking away limes mochi cuddle time#it makes more sense for the slow burn if he cant cuddle with her whenever he wants#starve him#lime: (why would i like her shes so plain shouldnt i be with like some supermodel or something ??)#lime: (the kind of person everyone wants but cant have??)#also lime when mochi smiles at him: (i want to kiss the shit out of you)#i think there something about limes family where being a goldwood means being expected to be a cut above#where its ingrained they should only be/settle for the best of the best#so lime catching feelings for this (pre-reveal) very normal and plain forgettable girl that no one else seems to give a shit about..#...is a struggle for him#tiramisu thinks its laughable because the goldwoods arent part of the magic community#she thinks its hilarious how they are lowkey obsessed with being successful and top-notch when they literally have no idea whats going on#i dont think the goldwoods are even especially rich#maybe its just one of those (parents being hard on you so you can have a better life than they did) kind of things#but they are known to be a well-connected and beautiful family#any goldwood you meet i the prettiest person youve ever seen#i wonder if they were disappointed or proud of lime when they found out he joined the capitol guard#his sister became a dentist#maybe it was one of those (why would you join the military...youre going to struggle...)#and then he tells them his paycheck and all of a sudden theyre like (we're so proud!!!)#(the capitol guard in general has pretty normal pay but the m-34th gets way more as a specialized unit)
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flagellant · 2 years
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perhaps this is in bad faith, but don't you think it's plausible that ms appleton was just a government food scientist who was sent to japan as sort of U.S. ambassador and given a generic, americanized name? we know that resources were scarce during the war and that many changes had to be made, or simply were made to cut costs, in the production of lots of things at the time. it just makes sense when you break it down that traditional shoyu is time and labour intensive to make but improves the taste of even outright bad dishes. at a time when people were forced to eat whatever food was available to them demand was likely very high to the point of unreasonably outweighing supply. either officials at kikkoman reached out to american food scientists for a solution or they offered one up themselves, given the fact that food science was undergoing a huge international renaissance led by the americans during the 30s, 40s and 50s. americans have a tendency to synthesize food. they also tend to feel strongly about imposing their culture on other countries. it seems more to me like this is a story about the american government taking extra steps to obfuscate the story of how they semi-successfully tried to be the final nail in the coffin of widespread, traditional shoyu production. less like some kind of yakuza conspiracy somehow centred on one woman. just the perspective of someone who's felt compelled to do their own research. it's my opinion that the way you're presenting your findings leaves massive gaps as well as leaps to get over them. i can't speak for the things you haven't shared publicly, obviously, but it feels a lot like you're dancing around the point. good luck to you in your research, regardless of my own feelings.
I think I agree that you're either arguing in bad faith or simply aren't really paying attention to a wider picture here. It's common knowledge that postwar economics in Japan were heavily influenced and remain to this day connected to organized crime and the Yakuza as an old tool of the imperial/noble order. We also know for a fact that the CIA worked with the yakuza during American occupation in order to manipulate political culture and economic structures.
It's also a common conspiracy in Japanese circles (or at least so it appears, and I want to be clear I am not voicing this as more than preexisting theory/belief, so I will not directly source to give complete credibility; consider this as context for why I might be interested in investigating further, just in case) that Empress Michiko and the Seifun Milling Company had close under-the-table connections with America, which would further influence the traditional shoyu brewing culture.
Like, I feel as though if you seem to be aware enough that America's treatment of Japan was one of extreme hostility and cruelty with little-to-no care about the nation or its people, solely using it as a means to enforce American/Western ideals and principles onto an unwilling populace and using violence and illegal organized crime syndicates to fulfill those goals...then why are you acting as though it's sus of me to look at a single woman in 1947 having this much power/control over Japanese-American relations when you have said yourself that shoyu is the single most important ingredient for Japanese food of all time, and only moreso during war rations/scarcity times?
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fictionadventurer · 25 days
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Potential September Reading
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien (ideally in audio)
An English Squire by Christabel R. Coleridge
A Sherlock Holmes story (and/or a screen adaptation)
C.S. Lewis nonfiction
A sensation or mystery novel
A piece of one of the Psmith stories
Some kind of nonfiction book
#monthly reading lists#books#a nicely restrained list#mostly made up of my strong september associations#of course it's psmith pseptember so i must read at least a chapter or two#(i know too well that i don't have the discipline to expect more but i would like a taste)#sherlock holmes audiobooks made great commute reading during several septembers and now it's a vital part of the season#(i'll prob only read one or two short stories rather than try for a whole volume)#i've vaguely been feeling i'm due for a hobbit reread for a few months#but now it hit me strongly that i must read it in audio#(if i can't find a good audio version i'll have to skip that item)#i read 'surprised by joy' one september while my sister was in ireland and i was missing it#and now it feels right especially because there's an oxford academia vibe that's great for back-to-school#i want to read some kind of female-written mystery#but yet to decide if i want victorian sensation novel or agatha christie#or if i'll just try a vaguely gothic christian novel#an english squire gets on the list thanks to thatscarletflycatcher and it just feels right to have that be my next obscure classic#i wanted something for back-to-school but i didn't know if i wanted a non-psmith school story or what#so i just went with nonfiction because it's about me learning new things#also several things that didn't make the list but may be read#i was very close to putting the tenant of wildfell hall on the list#but i don't want the pressure#if i do read it it needs to be something i'm not required to do#i will probably try to finish chesterton's 'varied types'#and prob read more emma m lion#and maybe pride and prejudice on audio?
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anderscim · 1 year
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✦ language, sentence structure and footnote #5 in the new DRDT MV
//spoilers for the new “Literature Girl Insane” music video posted by DRDT
//also spoilers for DRDT up to chapter 2 part 1
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i think i’m pretty clever for using this frame, am i right? (-∀-)
alright, here is my 2k+ word rant regarding some things i noticed with the word order and translations in the new video—as well as its connections with some of the footnotes.
(take all of this with a grain of salt)
i noticed recently that the DRDT dev pays very, very close attention to lyrics and lyrical structure in japanese—and that is seen in the way they order certain words.
let’s take this screen, for example:
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i’m not sure if you all noticed, but in this part, the lyrics show up in a very specific order.
instead of each word appearing in an order similar to how you would read it in english (“look, aside from that, give me the usual medicine”), they do this:
look -> aside -> from that ->the -> usual -> medicine -> give me
and surprisingly, this isn’t random. the words appear in an order that aligns with the sentence structure for the japanese lyrics.
in japanese, the lyrics are as follows:
「ほら、/ それより / いつもの / 薬 / を出して」
if you translate these separately, “medicine” (薬) comes before “give me” (出して, in this context), “the usual” (いつもの) comes before that—and so on and so forth. interestingly enough, the dev subtly threw that detail in the video, instead of just going by the alignment of the english translation.
and, if you didn’t know, in many cases (more often than not), japanese sentence structure wildly differs from english sentence structure—which is exactly what makes it so hard to translate. (;- -)
this also happens in other spots, by the way! here’s another example:
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“even if you have a heart full of ambition” appears in reverse order here—but that’s also because of japanese sentence structure.
“向上/の/心/だって/持ったって” -> “ambition/of/heart/even/if you have” this is a rough translation by the way sorry (_ _;)
i can come up with more examples if needed, so let me know (*´ω`*)
however, this isn’t the only way that the dev is being attentive to specific details in japanese. they also seemed to be aware of some literary references that were legitimately within the lyrics, and put their own spin onto it.
for example, this:
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at first, the (turbatus) may seem out of place, but trust me, it isn’t. the original japanese lyrics also reference “ego cogito ergo sum” (i think, therefore i am), but put their own spin onto it—the dev somehow managed to translate the lyrics in a way that kept the same modification.
the japanese equivalent to “ego cogito ergo sum” is as follows:
“我思う故に我あり”
however, the japanese lyrics for bungaku shoujo insane put a small modification to the very end:
“我思う故に悩み”
悩み (nayami) is to be worried/troubled/etc.²¹
but basically, the dev also managed to keep that same modification by adding “turbatus” (which translates to “disturbed, disoriented, upset”) to their rendition of the lyrics. though this is me speaking from personal experience, 悩み usually has a different (more lighthearted and flexible) connotation compared to something as heavy as turbatus—so i wonder if this specific word choice might be telling us a lot more.
…okay that was a huge tangent. moving on. what i basically wanted to say is, well… the DRDT team is very attentive and pays very close attention to minor details in japanese, and a lot of it is actually successfully conveyed in their video. however, this pretty much indicates that anything they “botch” in the translation is intentional.⁵ (i’ll get to that later.)
buuuut before we get to that, how ‘bout i switch topics to something else: there is one specific part that they weren’t able to manipulate the translation, even if they wanted to.
i think you know which few frames i’m referring to.
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(the other two have the same issue as well, but these first two are easier to explain.)
the thing is, the reason why there’s no translation here is that there’s no way to translate these lyrics without messing up the original japanese sentence structure.
let me break it down. “革命家” (kakumeika) is the japanese translation for a revolutionary. Xander, as the ultimate rebel, is the perfect image for this. “気取り” (kidori) is used in this context to mean that they’re “pretending to be / having the air of” a revolutionary, rather than actually being one.
“馬鹿” (baka) is “idiot,” “鉛” (namari) is lead (as in the metal), “切符” (kippu) is “ticket,” and “与える” (ataeru) in this context is “to give” (but more in a “feeding something to a pet” context than an actual “gifting something to a person” context). “与えよう” (ataeyou) is just a different tense, as in “let’s give,” and so on and so forth.
however, if you were to translate these two lines into english, this is what you would get (rough translation):
“let’s give the idiots pretending to be revolutionaries tickets of lead.”
my brain is fried so i can’t go too far into details right now, but essentially, the translation completely switches around the sentence structure and jumbles the order of the words. if the dev wanted to specifically distribute the lyrics to those two frames in a way that fit those specific images, they would have to warp existing grammar rules and write something that’s… well, obscure. my horrible attempt at a literal translation with the same structure: “assuming the air of revolutionaries / these idiots, tickets of lead should be given to them.” however, this would be too obscure and it gives this lyric a largely different tone (_ _;) especially since david probably doesn’t want to call xander an idiot (/hj) the lyrics would have been extremely difficult to rewrite while getting a similar message across, it was actually more fitting to instead keep the original japanese lyrics and fit them to the two frames in a way that best mirrors each character. …by the way, this is part of the reason why i was (jokingly) suspecting whether or not the dev was actually japanese. some of their attention to wording, sentence structure… even if they’re not japanese, they’re insanely dedicated. massive kudos to them. o(≧▽≦)o okay this has been plaguing my mind for a little bit, side note and small tangent: Xander (at least, i think it’s him. based on the glove) is holding his assigned weapon, a gun, in the first frame here. however, as we know—Xander’s gun is actually nonfunctional, and does not work. the fact that he’s holding it and having his finger on the trigger, despite it being unable to fire, could actually reference the “air of a revolutionary” in the original lyrics, as he may pretend to be someone that can use action to make change in the world but actually can’t. however, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. this video is from david’s perspective, so this may actually be more of a reflection of david’s philosophy regarding how the world can’t change, rather than xander himself. this would match the “unreliable narrator” angle i’m seeing in this video—which i’ll get to later. i also unfortunately do not have a clear answer regarding who the person with the envelope is, but my bets are on it being a teacher of some sorts, or one of the adults that formally invited the students (including xander, david, and the rest of the students) to hope’s peak in the united states. after all, they’re handing out a “ticket of lead,” as seen in the lyrics. lead can cause poisoning to the body, and is known to accumulate over time. by even joining this school in the first place, the drdt cast is unknowingly signing themselves up for something that will traumatize them / corrupt their minds for the coming years. and i don’t know if this is just me, but some aspects of the embossing stamp of the envelope (including the justice scales, the shield(?)-esque pattern, the wings), seem very suspiciously similar to a logo for a school like that. i’m done with the tangent for now ( ´ ▽ ` )
what’s incredibly interesting (and ironic) about this frame, however, is the footnote. out of all places to put it, the dev placed footnote #5 in the one place where there isn’t a translation.
for those of you that aren’t aware, by the way, this is footnote #5:
As the translation has been intentionally botched in many parts, it should not be considered accurate.
and, actually—this is true. not necessarily botched, though, just maybe slightly manipulated.
here’s a couple of examples:
switching out pronouns in some of the lyrics (changing “i” to “you,” for example). most clearly seen here:
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original lyrics: “今僕は何故泣くの? / 今僕は何故暴れ出すの?” most of the lyrics are the same, except for one thing: “僕” (boku) is used when one wants to refer to themselves. (in other terms, it should be: “right now, why do i cry? / right now, why do i go insane?”). however, the lyrics use “you” instead. side note: this “botch,” and the roman numerals combined—david spinning the narrative so he’s directing those questions towards others, and not towards himself as a form of deflection? the unreliable narrator theory becomes stronger and stronger (^ν^) /j
another example is here:
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original: “満足したなら / 消えて行け!” -> “if you are [now] satisfied / go and disappear!”
again, another pronoun switch, but this time it’s flipped—while the original lyrics are directing this at someone else, david (or whoever “???” is) is talking about himself. it almost seems like a response to the original lyrics. either way, this is one thing to think about. there are other examples, and i might bring them up later—but for now, these are the main ones i can think of.
2. verb tenses! specifically, these two frames:
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the original lyrics: “大事なものなら / 壊れて消えたよ” this is also pretty similar, except using the ending “た” (ta) at the end of a verb, instead of “る” (lu/ru), puts the verb into past tense. (this is from personal experience, however. take it with a grain of salt)
so in reality, the lyrics are: ”if something was important, / it already broke and disappeared”
which is… interesting. because it actually does imply some things regarding david’s philosophies. given that this was likely intentional, this may be an indication of david manipulating his own thought process—from regretting what he lost in the past, to spinning that into “it was going to be lost anyways, regardless of what happened” (after all, for him, “if something is important, it will break away and disappear”). basically, it loops him into an almost pessimistic way of coping. from his perspective, if something is important to him, it will be lost, no matter what—which is hopeless, yes, but it prevents him from forming any other relationships that are “important” and/or getting emotionally attached to them in the expectation that they’ll get burned away eventually.
3. i don’t even know what to call this… like, re-contextualization? specifically, here:
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the original lyrics:
“そうして忘れてゆくのでしょう / はい”
however, despite keeping the same literal meanings, this translation completely reconstructs the context of the lyrics. “はい” in this situation is actually used as an interjection, as in “yeah, / okay,” rather than a direct “yes” or an answer to a question.
additionally, “そうして忘れてゆくのでしょう” isn’t exactly a question—more so, it’s more of a “but then you’ll forget anyways” sort of… i guess “throwaway phrase.” my brain is dead, so sorry if this is a bit unclear. the true translation would be closer to “but then, i bet, you’ll forget about it.”
either way, just one thing is clear: the original lyrics were made with no intention at all to be read as a conversation, yet the translation was intentionally spun in a way to fit that. this “botch” also seems to be very important, especially with the fact that it’s labeled with the 19th footnote—as for why, however, i’m not too sure. it could be an indication that david has the idea that people will forget what has happened (and never try to change it the next time around) so ingrained into his head that it affects the way he hears conversations, events, and certain interactions—or it could be that he’s just an unreliable narrator and this is his way of proving his philosophy even in the most minor of word choices, or both, or neither. to be honest, i don’t know what the exact purpose is. ( ̄ー ̄ )
there’s probably other “botched translations,” but those are all i have for now. but yeah, the fact that outside of these “slips” the dev was very attentive about the translation and sentence structure is what gives clear confirmation that these mistakes are absolutely intentional. they’re likely there to provide some insight into not just david’s character and philosophies, but also about his coping mechanisms and how he spins his own narrative to prove his worldview right.
as for why the corresponding footnote is placed at the one place there isn’t a proper translation in the mv… well…
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(/hj) i’ll figure it out soon. (( _ _ ))
either way, feel free to reblog or send in an ask if there’s anything you want to say regarding my noticings (whether that’s refuting them or adding evidence)!
and as always, take this with a grain of salt
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bayfuzzball7050 · 3 months
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I miss my Pinterest account
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stormofdefiance · 5 months
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Lonesome Transcendence
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stormyoceans · 9 months
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vv brainrot continuation:
and again the hangover pill is a hangover karbonak
you're deeply and passionately in love (dude, did you lose your twin puen at birth?)
august’s interview reminded me so much of puen’s interview in ep12
day and talay "i don’t think anything about him, but i’ll come to him with a guitar to sing love songs to say how important he is to me" (day doesn’t have a guitar yet, but he behaves in such a way that he’ll now start singing love by paradox)
in all universes, seat belts are a source of great tension.
puen’s methods of influencing day and talay are the same (you don’t run with me bcs you think about me differently. who were you thinking about when i directed the scenes? about a guy named tun?)
bed scene (fandee na talay)
why are you smiling mork? (talay is your smile)
can you tell me about rung (p'peng, you can tell me about the life of tun)
smells (we've discussed this many times, but why not say it again)
cover your ears (idk it just reminded me of the childhood fuss of puentalay when they were filming a video message to joob)
you're doing this bcs of the car (the theme is “falling in pretend love to return to your universe”)
we're bf now (at least they didn't have to kiss 40 times before they verbally admitted it)
wedding (leave your drinking yogurt and bring a bag of chips or it's not canon). soft pink balloons (i'm already crying) i'm beaten out like a dusty carpet. how are you doing with brainrot, monica?
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PINKYBRAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU SENT ME THE BRAINROT FOR EP 6 AND I DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE 😭😭😭 TUMBLR MEET ME IN THE PIT IM GONNA FIGHT YOU
i may have gotten a little bit worried ;;;;;; im so glad you're okay tho!!!!!!! and i know it's really annoying to write down something all-over again but if you ever felt like rewatching ep 6 and trying to send me a new brainrot, i'd love to read it!!!!! (but no pressure, of course!!!!)
ANYWAY. BACK TO THE CURRENT BRAINROT. 'BEATEN OUT LIKE A DUSTY CARPET' IS ACTUALLY A PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF HOW I FEEL ON A PSYCHOLOGICAL EMOTIONAL SPIRITUAL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL LEVEL AFTER THIS EPISODE. ESPECIALLY WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE PUENTALAY PARALLELS LIKE CAN YOU BELIEVE WE REALLY GOT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ONE???????? INSANITY DERANGEMENT LUNACY MADNESS THEY'RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE AND NOT EVEN P'AOF HIMSELF COULD CHANGE MY MIND
my brainrot pretty much looks like yours tbh, however the cover your ears scene immediately made me think about puentalay pinching each other's cheeks in ep 4
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I JUST LOVE OUR SILLIES SO MUCH
also!!!!! kind of a reach, but the way the almost kiss at the end of this episode was framed reminded me very strongly of the puentalay one in ep 5
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and both of them were interrupted, one by a phone call and one by. Pain.............
but honestly the dynamic between mork and day in this entire episode was so puentalay coded to me like the way mork was pursuing day while day played hard to get but you could still tell he was enjoying every second of it is just. it's puentalay. like idk what else to say it's THEM
THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE THEORY HAS NEVER BEEN MORE REAL
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killjoy-prince · 3 months
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Ok, this scene is still great. He really used k-drama antics to solve his problem
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uitzinnigmp3 · 4 months
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,
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enekorre · 7 months
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#M#Im feeling wonky#I messed up a friendship and im being used by a coworker and i feel like i may be betrayed for a 4th time#Those things are not related to each other#And then i for some reason read youtube comments#And that was a bad idea#Bc they were hating on swedish speaking finns#Aka my grandparents#Lots of misinfo too#If there is a video about someone getting threatened or beat up for their language#Why would you comment that they deserved it for speaking a language that has existed in that region for 800+ years?#And so so so much misinformation too#I don't know maybe im feeling ill bc i missed my train (earlier train was late)#Aurgha#Another sort-friend jokingly called me huuri or however it's spelled#He doesn't know that my family are swedish speaking finns#It was in response to me (also jokingly) suggesting he try speaking swedish with the finns he didn't understand#(he's born here in sweden to finnish family so he speaks 'swedish finnish' so he had some issues keeping up with finnish slang)#Like we are opposites but it's okay to hate on one group? I don't get it#Anyway just that he knew he'd get that response if he tried swedish... Even if it was a joke it still hurt#To know that one language isn't safe to speak unless you want hate and physical danger#Im having a midnight ramble again huh#Anyway everything is overwhelming gonna cry myself to sleep now bye ✌️#Also the argument that 300000 people aren't that many: thats the whole of Iceland!#Should Icelandic just not exist anymore then?
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doushiteworld · 1 year
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Proseka friend told me that both God-Ish and All I Need Are Things I Like are being added to the game on JP covered by Nightcord (God-Ish) and Wonderlands x Showtime (All I Need Are Things I Like) and oh boy am I scared. They're also adding (Not) a Devil but it's not covered so I'm not worried about that
#look. I didn't like the nightcord non-breath oblige cover. I don't think I ever went into detail as to why but I really don't like it#I think. Non-Breath was a bad choice for them to cover music wise. I think God-Ish is better. because it's not as energetic#not a bad thing!! God-ish feels whispery which is so Nightcord's thing. Non-Breath was too high energy for them to pull off good#...so I'm gonna be double upset if they fuck up God-ish actually. I don't even care for God-Ish that much#Like I cared for Non-Breath so much. so it stung when they kinda missed the mark with it ^^:#I'm like. a little less worried about about WxS. Because they made like. The one Pino cover In the game I actually like#Ignoring the Saki and Tsukasa Cosmospice cover. I hate that cover so much sorry#But also like. All I Need Are Things I Like is one of THE PinocchioP songs of all time. to me. so like#I hold the same sort of attachments towards it as I do to Non-Breath. So if they do fumble the net with it I'm gonna cry#Also. I know. there's a possibility that TikTok. Will pick up on it#And I don't think I'm gonna mind too much. If they run with God-Ish more. because I think it's kinda hard to miss the thing with God-Ish#But if they make some fucking trend audio with All I Need Are Things I Like that completely misses the point of the song somehow.#I'm going to riot. I never got TikTok 'ruining songs'. Until both Non-Breath and Anonymous M became like. funny trend audios.#I made a better post on my main blog about this I'll reblog it here maybe#Guys I promise I like Proseka It's just my liking of PinocchioP comes before that#I like being a little hater also tho#pinocchio p#pinocchiop#vocaloid#pinocchio-p#project sekai#proseka#doushiteworld.txt
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bedardconnor · 11 months
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on todays episode of the veteran nhl players on bedsys team wont pass to him while he's wide open, we see how the veteran nhl players on bedsys team wont pass to him while he's wide open
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thevalicemultiverse · 2 months
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Fact Core: Shapeshifters becoming Embraced will depend on the breed.  Garou, Ajaba, Bastet, Gurahl, Ratkin, and Rokea may all become vampires, although Ratkin decay like normal corpses and Rokea immediately go insane. However, they lose Gnosis whenever they violate their tenets unless they submit to the Wyrm. If they lose all of their Gnosis, they become little more than animals. An Embrace of an Ananasi, Camazotz, Grondr, Nagah, or Nuwisha simply fail.  Corax and Mokole die at sunrise regardless of if they are hidden from it, although Mokole will go insane like the Rokea do. Kitsune will immediately burst into flames when Embraced, which may kill the attempted sire.
Alice: ...thank you for that. I don't suppose you have any facts on how I can solve this bloody laser puzzle, do you?
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msburgundy · 11 months
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is 9:30 too early to go to bed?
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pepprs · 11 months
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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