#I feel like I was just crying over sulli she would have been 29 last month

[yoongsisbae]

🌙

[destiniesfic]

29 Hux POV in TSverse, pretty please? Cherry on top being undertones of Reylux?

kyloslightsabertwirl said: For Becca 😏 14 + Hux

Remember those one-word prompts from a while back? I was sitting on these ones until after TS 19. Uhh warnings follow for talk of sexual acts, prostitution, sadism of dubious consent, something about restraints in there, a brief child abuse reference, allusions to torture? And just generally Hux being not a good dude. :/

14. bitter + 29. preparation | now on AO3

Is there such a thing, Armitage Hux wonders, as a well-reputed house of ill-repute? Certainly, there is no good name for one. “Brothel” is the most straightforward term, and as these things go it’s fairly neutral, although not quite complimentary. One would think that those who deal in the galaxy’s oldest trade would have found a way to rebrand by now.

Then again, perhaps it’s best to be straightforward. Clients know why they’re here and what they’re paying for. Everything else is just trappings. But trappings do matter, Hux muses as he waits in these rented chambers, one arm draped over the back over the low sofa upon which he reclines. The receiving room’s furnishings are simple yet elegant, as is his preference. The upholstery is dark to hide stains. The name of this place doesn’t matter. It is an undiscovered gem, the best whorehouse in the Unknown Regions, and although one would think competition isn’t stiff outside the boundaries of mapped space, the industry underwent a rapid expansion as the First Order swelled into being and colonized all they saw.

Hux sips his tartine tea from the thermos he himself brought, having declined a servant droid’s offer of food and drink. He pays well for discretion, extra because these sessions are always exacting on the staff, even more to ensure that these rooms go unused by anyone else and are thoroughly cleaned prior to his arrival, and more on top of that, for security. Even so, one never knows when a servant or an ally will choose to stab one in the back.

In a roundabout way, that’s why Hux is here. Recent events have left him with troublesome thoughts, and he knows that the longer he ignores them, the more persistent and intrusive they’ll become. Best to find an outlet, and quickly, before they become truly distracting.

As such, his demands are a bit more specific today, different from his norm. The madame here knows his usual tastes: human, naturally blonde, no unnatural markings on the skin, some extra flesh, but only in the right places, and sturdy, durable. No fun for anyone if it ends too soon. But this time he made contact a few days in advance to ensure the madame would have someone on hand that suits his current preferences. Hux doesn’t care whether she finds willing recruits or buys her workers from slavers, as long as he gets his way.

And he always gets his way.

Before long, there is a gentle rap at the chamber doors. Hux takes one last bitter sip from his thermos, then sets it on a side table. “Enter,” he calls.

The door slides aside, and a young woman enters, wearing a cream-colored synthsilk robe and some visible signs of nervousness. Hux is both irritated that she seems willing to fold so early, and pleased to see that she’s very close to his specifications. She allows the door to close behind her and begins to approach him, opening her mouth to no doubt introduce herself, with some coquettish pseudonym. He holds up a hand, to stop her.

“You know who I am,” he says.

The girl closes her mouth. Good, that’s good. No use standing there gawping. But she looks unsure about how to answer the question, and while Hux understands her trepidation given the recent political upheavals, he doesn’t want to waste time. “Honesty,” he directs.

She nods. “Yes, sir. I do.”

Hux wrinkles his nose, slightly. The accent is wrong. His fault for not including that in his list of demands. He’ll just have to ensure she speaks as little as possible.

Not an unpleasant voice, though. A robust, resonant alto. He wonders how it’ll sound when she screams.

He indicates the hexagonal rug in the center of the room. “Stand over there,” he says, his voice tight. “Where I can look at you.”

To her credit, the girl doesn’t hesitate. She walks right to the center of the rug and stands there with her arms at her side, watching him. There is a slight spark of intelligence in those brown eyes, one that Hux is pleased to see. The girl’s nervousness had worried him, but this one is no broken slaver’s pet. And her appearance is about right: early twenties, deep brown hair, delicate features, slender with narrow hips. Hux stands to get a better look, hands behind his back, circling her as a predator might stalk its prey. The girl’s eyes track him, and she begins to turn to follow his progress, but a slight shake of his head is all the instruction she needs to jerk back to face forward. Good girl.

As Hux examines her from behind, he allows two fingers to trace a line from one scapula to the other over the silken fabric of her robe. Were he a creature entirely of logic and reason, he’d say that he merely has to go through these motions every once in awhile to sate a primal biological urge. But while he prizes himself on his ability to analyze, to calculate, to strategize, he never makes that claim, because he knows it’s not quite true.

He does so enjoy himself.

“Take this off,” he tells her.

She does, a little slower than he’d like. She’s still pulling the sash free of its bow when he comes back around to her front. But something must give away his impatience, because she quickly sheds the robe once she sees his face. There is nothing underneath.

Hux sighs, pleased. It is, of course, easier to note what is wrong than what’s right. Her shade is two shades too dark, and she is that shade all over, not paler in the places she kept covered while working for years in a desert. No faint freckles smattering her shoulder, the bridge of her nose. But oh, so very much is right. The curve of her ass, the wiry muscles on her arms, the tight abdominal core. He lays a gloved hand on it and then slides his hand up to cup one of her small breasts, run his thumb contemplatively over the hardening bud of her nipple. And as he does, he says, “Look at me, now.”

She’s half a head shorter than him, and her eyes first find his mouth, drawn in a narrow smile, before meeting his eyes. That little spark is still there, although she tries to hide it behind coy fluttering eyelashes, and Hux thinks she may not want him to see her true feelings. Her little body, stripped of all hair save that on her head, is tense with nervousness, and there’s a hint of reluctance to thin mouth. Unsurprising. Even if she’s a new arrival at this particular brothel, she would have heard stories. She would know what she’s in for.

Or she would think she does.

“You know who I am, pet,” Hux says, his voice a little breathy with anticipation. “You know what to call me.”

The girl’s throat bobs with her swallow. She says, “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Hux can’t help but shiver at that. Had he been feeling particularly indulgent, he might have hired another player to watch them from that sofa, restrained, to growl and hiss and huff when Hux touches the girl, to wail, later, when he strikes her. But that’s what imagination is for, and Hux’s is up to the task. Besides, any playacting would fall woefully short of the real thing.

He so badly wants to order her to kneel, to kneel before her Supreme Leader, to feel that pretty little mouth wrapped around his cock, but— it has to wait. He hasn’t broken her yet. He jerks his head at the next room, the bedchamber, just on the other side of a curtain. “Get on the bed,” he says. “You’ll find a spreader bar. Secure your ankles and wait for me.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” the girl says again, dutifully.

Just before she vanishes through the curtain, he says, “Oh, and no more of that talk now. Not until you’ve had more than you can bear and want to stop. Do you understand?”

The girl hesitates, and then she says, “I do.”

“Good.”

Then she is out of sight, and Hux takes a minute to collect himself before returning to her. He is not wearing his uniform — he won’t sully it with this — but he still wears a number of layers, stiff and formal, and he has to undo his jacket to access his belt, slip it free of the loops of his trousers. He keeps his gloves on, and relishes the whisper-crack of leather on leather as he slides his belt over his palm, noting the perfect shine of the buckle. It’s a rudimentary tool, as these things go, but classic, and there’s a reason for that. There was a point in Armitage Hux’s young life where he found himself on the receiving end of such lashings. His father— well, who could say what his father had meant, in truth? Perhaps he meant to teach Hux obedience. He had taught him something else, instead.

Hux much prefers doling out punishment to taking it.

Torture is an art, one Hux studied and improved as he rose through the First Order’s ranks. Kylo Ren, for all his mysticism-fueled rages, is an amateur. Ren would use a bludgeon when what’s required is a scalpel. And so Hux does wonder, as he slides the belt over his palm, how Ren managed to bend Rey to him in so short a time. Oh, Ren loves the girl, true, but he’s an idiot with no idea how to handle that. Hux has no doubt that Rey’s first few days aboard the Conquest II were thoroughly unpleasant. Even so, Ren had somehow managed to coax loyalty out of her.

Or perhaps she believes she loves him back.

Revolting.

But what is bent may yet be unbent, and bent again. Rey will learn. He’ll break her, first, until she’s past the point of crying or begging, until she’s been molded to fit him. Then she’ll praise him, respect his proper title, thank him for freeing her of delusions, as she should. Yes, the day will come when Hux takes everything from Kylo Ren, and Rey is no exception.

The girl in the other room will play that role, and she will do for now. After all, this night serves a dual purpose: preparation and satisfaction. He would like to think he will only need one or two such sessions before these fantasies abate.

But he knows that’s not quite true, either.

[nyrator]

Random Ny updates on Ny things

lots of photos, cosplay progress, ffxiv stuffs, life feelings and rotten nyan bleh feelings of insecurity

bought myself a new friend on a whim while shopping with friends about two weeks ago

the costume so far

still need to add fur to the bottom, but apparently I still remember how to sew by hand- need to figure out the best way to attach it, though. The collar I put on like a dress shirt kind of collar, but I don’t think I can do that for the bottom part (other than just sewing the fur backside to the shirt frontside, which almost seems too easy to be right- the cuffs I put front-to-front and folded over afterwards, giving them that flat edge on top, but not sure if I want that flat edge for the bottom...)

the tights, I made a mold of my leg out of duct tape (what a silly idea), but only had enough for one go around, so it was very flimsy after being removed. I decided the smarter method would be to fold the mold in half and cut the shape out of cardboard, which I did.

I don’t think I’ll have enough turquoise paint for the stripes, so I ordered more about a week or more ago... except it was undeliverable, because they sent it to Florida, and now they’re reshipping it, and estimated date was anywhere between the 23rd to Nov 5th, so yeahhhh. Last I checked, it got to the right place (PA), but then ended up in Delaware? so we shall see what happens

Haven’t even worked on the skates at all, which worries me, but the party is planned for Friday roughly (getting my friends together is always a thing). I notice distancing tends to be pretty lax around here, they deal with people on cash registers all day though so they’re used to being exposed and I don’t need to protect my mother anymore so hm (should get a blue mask and put some graffiti on it, though)

Tomorrow sounds like it’ll be friend-crunch-day, helping another friend with their costume and such as I try to fix mine. Haven’t worked on mine in a few days because dealing with blehs, but should get back to work on it (only a few days left...)

ALSO MY BOY IS REPAIRED

they sent that shoulder piece fast, like super fast- It was here by the 21st, mann- this is the piece they sent, arm and everything

First I thought, okay, just remove the jacket and put it on the other one- but then I realize, oh, wait, no that won’t work, it won’t stick, and this new jacket is glued on. I thought to super glue it on, but trying to remove it started to tear the peg, so I decided, okay yeah no leave it alone and figure out how to remove his torso

so I removed his torso, which took a bit of force, but now he’s back together and much looser but looking good, godd

also I turned 29 on the 11th, a pretty uneventful day all things considered. Friends came over the other day to deliver gifts (though one forgot his, twice, somehow), the other was a purple DDLC girl plush and pin because she’s purple (I should probably play that game to completion), the photo I have would dox me though and too lazy to get another photo at the moment

Otherwise playing a looot of FFXIV recently, beat the main story (first one at least), got the DLC and doing the Red Mage things (as a former fencer I am down though critical of my lalafell’s footwork), slowly trying to make glamours for every class, and the latest mission thing I’ve done was fighting Moogles to knock-off This Is Halloween, what a great fight (somehow managed to get like 8 unique moggle weapons and it makes me happy they exist), mainly a BLM/WHM/RDM/Weaver though Ninja was also fun (white mage is scary but Kresna is very good at doing crazy pulls when he’s the tank and I somehow help people survive by the skin of our teeth)

the crew (myself, Kresna aka Kure, my friends Spired aka Yomi, and James aka Sebastian, who only plays FFXIV in order to play mahjong with us), we all really enjoy mahjong now if you couldn’t tell (also Kresna’s character is great and now he’s making a Rivers Cuomo lalafell and we’re all going to be bards in a Weezer cover band, also shout outs to how cute Yomi is and the magnificent pompadour and sideburns Sebastian has)

But now to the less nice things

So, hmm. Still dealing with depression, a lot of it caused by interpersonal relationships, I suppose- My flaws and anxiety-induced communication issues make it really hard for people to feel like I care or am interested in them, I think. Seeing how I hurt people, and being powerless to help people on the verge of collapse or even suicide, it eats away at me. I can’t just leave them to their depression, and I want to stay connected and I genuinely value them in my life, but it’s taken such a toll on my own mental health and I absolutely cannot leave them alone, either- the type who can and would genuinely go through with taking their own life if left with absolutely nothing. I’m not sure what to do to help them or myself, but it’s hard just watching and being the only one who can listen.

Finally drew a Rotten Nyan picture today, but not that happy with. My feelings keep swaying between good and bad, and I think I’ll add more bad in a follow up doodle as well.

I worry I speak my mind too much- to other people, with these tumblr rants, with my tweets, I feel like I talk an unnecessary amount, mostly about myself, but never about what’s important to other people. I feel I make other people feel less appreciated by how little I talk to them or about them in comparison.

I feel like what I want to make makes me a creep, and that the people I consider friends, or at least close followers, would slowly vanish on me if I keep making it. Or I risk getting labelled as something, or being mocked for my creations. It’s a weird paranoia.

I’ve had some good talks with some friends this week that helped me feel more productive, watched some artist stream and forced myself to join another discord for that artist to try to interact with other artists, as well as trying to force myself to communicate and compliment their art as much as I reasonably can. It’s hard, very hard for me, but I need to treat people better and gain more connections.

But these things have been lightening my mood a bit, and trying to inspire me to draw more. But the uncertainty still lingers- Middle Lave for example, all I think of anymore is being mean to them, or remembering the bad or the humiliating instead of making more cute things. Any time I think of any scene, it just gets twisted. I can’t think of any good scenarios, either. Thinking of all the situations that make MLave cut themselves, or cry, or how frequently MLave had restroom issues (I could write pages and pages on that nonsense alone at the risk of it becoming some fetish work or something, I already feel like I’ve written too much about it), nonsense like that. Which, is it fine to just write about that anyway? I don’t know. I’m told there’s an audience for anything, and if people want to read it, they will, and if they don’t they don’t have to, but I’m still scared of pushing away an already existing audience- Followers are one thing, I don’t expect people to keep following something they don’t enjoy, but I guess just people I’m closer to, followers who take the time to interact with me frequently, I worry what they think of me and losing them (though I don’t want to be clingy or guilt-trip anyone either).

I also think of some of the word choice I’d use- it’d be accurate and authentic, but I worry with how people will take it (for example: Lave’s nickname growing up was “retard” or “r-tard” by their sister, and “faggot” by their father, and I know that kind of language is frowned upon even more so these days, but it’d be a disservice not to include it I’d think)

I have a separate twitter for Rotten Nyan though, I just haven’t used it, so maybe when I finally update the comic I can just keep all the twisted stuff locked away on it and the tumblr accounts.

There are lots of weird things I worry about, since on the topic- I feel like I’m just very naive. I see a lot of people enjoy “bullying” my character Dolly, and at times I wonder if I should encourage it, or speak against it, or what. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, and it makes me wonder if I’m a creep for enjoying tormenting Lave, enjoying portraying self-harmful or humiliating or self-deprecating scenes and wanting to talk about them or draw them, it feels wrong. I think of Suicide Boy, where I feel it takes it a bit too overboard, but I wonder if I’m any better.

Other things I see, say, pacifiers for example, I see them a lot in my pinterest feeds and some artists I follow. First I worry they’re some kind of kink I don’t know about, and if I had them to my character it’ll sully my art somehow unexpectedly, but then I see Animal Crossing add them, so there must be some fashion trend or something to it, maybe? I probably wouldn’t actually draw art of one honestly, but it’s a weird trend I don’t understand I guess, and I wonder if I’m weird for thinking it looks cute sometimes and weird at others.

I guess overall, in short, I’m just afraid of making something that drives people away from me, or being known for something I don’t want to be known for, or something. At the same time, I feel like worrying about it and talking about it so much also makes me a creep, somehow.

Anyway, if you couldn’t tell I’m just rambling at this point, but I should change subjects.

I did lose 10 lbs / 4.5 kg since I officially started my diet two months ago, which is nice. I still am too embarrassed to say what my weight actually is (gained a little bit of weight during quarantine), but I’ve basically lost what I gained this year and am almost halfway to a healthy BMI. Afterwards, I see no reason to change my diet (other than maybe how little energy I feel eating less than 1500 calories a day), so I’ll see how far the diet takes me before it plateaus. If I can be a bodyweight to cosplay Kuja by the time I’m 30, that’ll be ideal (of course, I’d still need to put in effort to get rid of a belly and eat healthier foods, but yeah). Still surviving mainly on 100% whole wheat bread, skippy peanut butter, and kraft mac and cheese / spaghetti with meatless sauce, but in measured portions at least with three meals a day.

Also, mann, between depression and FFXIV, I’ve really been neglecting ACNH- still try to play it every day, but usually only late at night when everything’s closed, so missing out on a lot of Halloween stuff I feel.

[lunarmoonacnh]

i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight 

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio 

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog 

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh 

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive 

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad. 

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit 

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique  

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser 

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school 

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me 

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose 

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them 

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius 

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed 

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned 

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11 

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea 

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3 

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee 

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long 

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother  

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale 

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x18 “The Memory Remains”

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06:42

new writer John Bring??? let’s hope he BRINGs something neat to the table (sorry i had to)

the promo for this looked intriguing and scary so i am READY

(director Phil Sgriccia. the best director imo, booty shots and bisexual subtext)

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06:45

goddamn it, wrong file. 12x18 seems less available than episodes usually are at this time?? granted i’m looking for 720p x264 but still

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06:57

while i’m waiting another hour (yaaay), i just realised, something i really like about Steve Yockey’s episodes (12x06, 12x10, 12x20) is that he puts his characters’ names in the episode title. ie. Asa Fox, Lily Sunder, Tasha Banes.

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06:59

oh ffs i’m too impatient, i’mma get a regular sized download

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07:21pm

okay here goes

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07:22

still sad about mick

all that character development and cas-paralleling for notHING

they made us care about him just to kill him and i’m not actually sure what the point was

(to make us realise the BMol are the bad guys again, i suppose)

-

07:23

dear kid who’s weirded out by all the straight couples sucking face

this immediately needs more gay

-

07:25

okay no maybe it’s a good thing it wasn’t gay because that kid is gonna DIIEEEE

-

07:27

meredith glynn is a co-producer?? SWEET

is it weird i’m proud of her

like i know nothing about her but I FEEL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED

-

07:29

dean’s worried about cas and his expression and mannerisms make him look like a sad child

smol bean with a gun

i feel like 90% of dean’s angst these past couple years have just been him MISSING CAS with all the force of a thousand suns

-

07:31

sam mentions dean missing cas, and dean immediately calls him “reading rainbow”

which i know is a reference to the book thing with LaVar Burton

but rainbows

dean’s like “i’m not gay you’re gay”

-

07:35

dean: “pchew!”

cas needs to marry this fuckin dork stat

-

07:37

i swear i’ve seen that background painting 5 times before

-

07:42

the newest instalment in the ongoing adventures of dean and recreational drugs

-

07;44

DEAN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND STOP THIS

honestly cas goes missing for 5 minutes

like seriously have you tried masturbating maybe

-

07;46

thE HOT COFFEE THING

welp

i’m cringing and laughing at the same time

SOMEONE BRING BACK CAS THIS IS HURTING MY FEELINGS

-

07:47

sam is me right now

*heavy sigh*

-

07:50

DEAN’S SO FUCKING CUTE WHEN HE’S WITH PEOPLE HE’S ATTRACTED TO

HE’S SO CLOSE AND CUDDLY UGH

PLEASE GOD LET HIM BE LIKE THAT WITH CAS SOMEDAY ;A;

-

07:52

“3 sheeps” on the wall

definitely symbolism

-

sam says “uncontrollable lust” WELP THERE WE GO

inb4 unnamed personality-free pretty girl is a plot point and dean’s under the spell

*sigh* i miss the times when the siren-type creatures were dudes around dean

this episode really needs more gay, for real

-

07:56

something i’ve noticed

these characters keep getting described by their professions - ie “walking clipboard” for a health inspector, “the local badge” for the sheriff

i know it’s just a quirky script thing but it’s kind of rubbing me the wrong way

aside from darren, the sheriff, and the boss guy, none of these characters have names, speaking roles, or any personality and it’s fucking bizarre ?? now darren is dead, the boss guy and the sheriff are the last two remaining characters

also the fact that the one woman is nameless and exists just as dean’s lust interest is really not sitting right with me

that said, plot-wise it’s still better than a deadly duo episode

but that’s not saying much since it’s a low bar

i dunno, i was expecting more. and presently i am feeling more and more let down. (eh, let’s see how it goes)

-

08:02

obviously the sheriff is meant to be the top suspect, and the whole thing is implying black bill is a dude in a costume (made of fur, and this sheriff does taxidermy)

so i’m expecting a plot twist where it’s not him

-

08:04

ugh god

i’m trying really hard not to look at this meat

i hope it’s fake meat

but i’m still squirmy

-

08:05

shit

1997 was 20 years ago

why is it so hard for my brain to realise it’s been that long

-

08:06

well if darren’s waking up now in a fridge

then i’m 100% terrified this is gonna be one of those stories where all the meat they’re processing is human meat

oh god no i hate those

inb4 THE GOAT GOD IS TRYING TO GET REVENGE

-

08:07

look i dunno where this is going

but so far this episode is making me feel more and more uncomfortable

(not scared, just unsettled in the bad way)

and i don’t know what to make of it

-

08:09

“billhook meats” sign outside the place darren is trapped

-

08:10

darren’s cloud breath looks computer animated

i couldn’t describe in what way, but it does

-

08:13

usually i love watching dean eat but my face is just pinched with disgust right now

guess i just dislike the idea of meat in general

like yeah let’s kill something and eat it!1!

(i mean, i eat meat, but i am currently malnourished and have been for 23 years so once i’m healthy again i’d happily go vegetarian) (i’m not judging meat-eaters, i just find the concept generally alarming)

-

08:14

this reminds me so much of that episode of the x files with the chicken mince

oh lord that one was the scariest episode i do not recommend watching it

one big ol’ nope from me

i feel faint

-

08:19

hey it’s the same basement with the same three windows again

-

08:24

i feel like there’s a difference between “dark” stories and “scary” stories

this one’s just dark, it’s not scary

still not sure how i feel about it

-

08:26

i lowkey think the goat mask is cute

he looks like he needs a hug

-

08:29

more busty asian beauties

where’s the dude porn

as much as this writer is Totally Onto It with the old (racist) jokes, i think he maybe missed the dean-is-bi-and-into-cas memo

-

08;31

ohhhhhhhhhhhh i think ketch just realised mary is way older (and/or more undead) than she looks

-

08:34

“hunting people, killing them. the family business”

dean almost looking into the camera

-

while i’m paused, i just wanna say: i am decidedly really uncomfortable with this episode

i think dean randomly going for an unnamed girl for no plot-related reason is what’s throwing me. if she had a name and a personality i’d be fine with it, because hell he’s bisexual and has a significant sex drive, and regardless of his feelings towards cas he’s always liked diner girls. but her lack of person-hood is just degrading, y’know??

this episode’s portrayal of women is “pretty thing to fuck” and i’m not gonna lie that disgusts me more than blood and murder ever could

the fact there are no significant solid dean-is-bisexual things to balance out the heterosexuality is just giving the whole thing a bi-erasure character-development-erasure kind of feeling

i miss cas so. fucking. badly. i want to cry right now

-

08;45

hey the colt shot something NOT in slow motion

-

08:47

if this show is remembered 100 years from now it’ll be for four things: 1. how bible stories were reinterpreted - followed by fanfiction reinterpreting that, 2. the fact it had 13+ seasons against all calculable odds, 3. a community/fanbase with unprecedented dedication, and 4. the fucking queerbaiting

-

08:53

OH NO THEY’RE LEAVING THEIR MARK BECAUSE THIS IS HOME LIKE THE IMPALA IS HOME OH GOSH

quietly thinking about the fic i wrote with TEAM FREE WILL CARVING THEIR INITIALS INTO A TABLE AFTER A DISCUSSION ABOUT EXACTLY THIS

If You Could Go Anywhere (3767 words)

-

why do i feel so sad

why did this episode feel so uncomfortable

this show is so unbelievably wrong without cas. i cannot express how badly i miss him. i miss him like i’d miss a family member.

everything was just a little not-quite-right about this

-

08:57

CAS HAD BETTER FUCKING ADD HIS FUCKING NAME TO THIS FUCKING TABLE

I REALLY WANT TO CRY RIGHT NOW

THIS IS A NICE MOMENT BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL SO WRONG

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

the tears have arrived in my eyes

-

09:01

i dunno

it’s over

i think you guys can extrapolate from what i’ve already said how i feel about this

i know i hated last week’s episode but i gave that a 4/10

yet halfway through this one i was like... this one’s a 2/10

yet that doesn’t seem fair because it wasn’t bAD i just didn’t enjoy it??

...no..scratch that, it was a little bit bad

the nameless girl and unnecessary heterosexuality, the lack of characters of colour, the busty asian beauties

the plot was okay i guess

ehhh

4/10 again, let’s say

I WAS EXPECTING A LOT MORE and i was left disappointed

John Bring’s writing is very Straight White Dude Who Has Not Heard of Intersectional Feminism-esque. i’m not into it with this as a sole example, maybe another episode would be different

best part was dean sulking about cas, and then sam and dean carving the table (the former enhanced by the absence of cas, the latter incident sullied by the absence of cas) (i was expecting dean to mention cas after they finished carving, but he mentioned mick instead)

i’m hoping next week’s episode will be good. idk what happened to this half of the season but i kind of feels like they’re losing their grasp on the things that make this show enjoyable (unpopular opinion?? unsure)

[wearethejerkoffs]

1-100 ;;;-)

1. How long have you had a Tumblr?2011 i think? 2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?his name is justin. he had a gf at the time and kissed me (shitty af) in a library. it was nothing special. i really liked him though. 3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?dating emilio for as long as i did. 4 Favorite Songs at the moment?i cant pick its too hard 5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?i am not wild6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?i erase this shit from my mind7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?they come from myself hahahh 8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?just successful and happy. 9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?theyre fine just dont make them your top priority 10. What are your views on religion?believe what you want. dont bash me for not believing in anything though. 11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?of course. i get sad, hoe. 12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.i am very open. there is very little people dont know about me. 13. last really important text you got?ky cam saying shes down to shop w me and maddie :)14. Can you let go?not easily 15. Discuss your first love.have i even had one?16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.i dont have an ipod but fuck i wish i DID17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.visit? probably canada. id move there too. or wisconsin. 19. What are your views on mainstream music?no beef, i dont often find stuff i vibe with on the radio but i have18. Are you currently missing someone?more than anything 19. At what age do you think people should have sex?prolly high school, but really whenever you are comfortable. 20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?highs: leaving my abuser! getting a job i love! leaving people who are shitty and toxic! meeting rachel! meeting jessie! seeing amity!lows: spending the first half with my abuser! self harming again! crashed my car! 21. What are your strongest beliefs?i believe in aliens and ghosts (who doesn't?) i believe in an after life. 22. Who are you closest to in your family?my brother hes my best friend damn near 23. How important do you think education is?pretty important. i dont think college is necessary. 24. What’s one of your favorite shows?how i met your mother25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?i am stronger and happier. i have better friends and just a happier life. 26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.ryan ross, detective nick amaro, the rock, young matthew lillard, and ellen page27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.nick and norahs infinite playlist. its about a girl falling for a dude thru the mix cds he made his ex (her friend) and meets him at the club and soends the whole night with him looking for her drunk friend and a secret show. 28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?aalyssa. shes so interesting to me and i could listen to her talk for hours. 29. What kind of person attracts you?lanky emo boys. douchebags. pretty girls. 30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?i want to find another job 31. Name something that you miss.dhanes laugh. 32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.get in the shape i want to. thats it. 33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point? anytime i see michael and rachel its a highlight. low point: my FUCKING CAR GETTING HIT. 34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?molly damn near. 35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?tummy. its too big. 36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?eeeek i cant remember.37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?no i dont but i wish i did. 38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death? yep. i love you dhane! i love you christian! 39. What is your purpose in life?do i really have one? 40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?today at a sad facebook video 41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do? we would have sex i love you ryan ross 42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?nevershoutnever. you fuckin know why. 43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.goods: im very empathetic. i look out for people. im fucking funnybads: im too nice. i get angry very fast. im petty. 44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make? yes!! i love to just make pasta with chicken and homemade pizza. 45. What was the last decision you regretted making?probably fucking sy hahahaha 46. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?nope47. Do you ever wish you were famous?not really 48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?emilio said some of the most disgusting shit to me for months. dude told me he was gonna kill me hella times and how i should just end my life already! fucks wrong with that dude? 50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?just want people to remember the good about me and my laugh 51. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?not really52. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?hell no whats the point 53. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?yes54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?drive around with me and not make fun of me while i sob my eyes out. thanks becca! thanks jessie!55. What is one of your favorite memories?amity performing youngbloods. thanks for making me cry! 58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?becca bought me an amity ticket, i love that bitch. emilio got me a stuffed animal that is sully so that was pretty nice of him to do (rare) my fav is when people give me flowers. 59. Have you ever had your heart broken?yeah im a sensitive bitch. not his fault tho!60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?yeah like mostly where i live. i would just like to leave here. 61. What is something you feel like you are really good at? problem solving62. What are your top 5 favourite all time songs by your favourite artist?open letter. deaths hand. i hate hartley. youngbloods. chasing ghosts. 65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?becca had my back throughout my past relationship. she really did everything for me. s/o to her for being legit the best person i have ever met. 66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?watch more tv68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?get trump out of office. thats all i got. i dont know much about the government. 69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?id say halloween. i like the spooks. 70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you remember even though they were a complete stranger.the nice anons i get. thanks guys. 71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?honestly? probably scooby. 72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?scooby doo theme song. i love that shit. 74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?idk i never think about my wedding plans tbh. something alternative ideally. maybe something by flatsound or across the universe. 75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?nope 76. What’s one thing you can not live without?becca! 77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?idk i will really do anything for anyone. mostly just helping out with driving. 78. Are you a girly girl?i dont think so 79. What color is your bed?black80. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?dark. ideally brunette. 81. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?hell yes but not his fault 82. Do you have a best friend?yes. s/o to becca. s/o to maddie. s/o to tony. 82. What song makes you cry the most?i cant even pick. probably something by flatsound 83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?eeeeeekkkk...... i have no idea...... honestly for some reason all that comes to mind is 21 jump street and thats weird 84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?im just tryna kiss a gurl85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?yes for sure. i will never forgive my abusers. 86. Ever been really drunk?sadly87. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?not really. these people were saying i do bars and thats pretty fucked up considering ive never taken prescription pills for "fun"89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why? yeah i'm not gonna talk about it 90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?i did, i should start again. 
91. Do you like somebody?yep :-)92. Craziest shit ever done?im not crazy 93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?the kid that hung himself because people spread rumors that his girlfriend killed herself. 94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?i have no idea because im never having kids. 95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?marie96. Are you in a relationship?no 97. Do you enjoy drama?not really98. Are you a virgin?nope99. Are you short or tall?short100. Do you have siblings? If so, what are their names and how old are they? amber is 31, erin is 29, and tony is 16

[compunctionjunction]

70 horrible questions

I was tagged by the lovely @1of1prism thank u my guy <3

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Maybe better than some people but probably also worse than a lot of people lol. Sometimes I go to people’s houses and I’m like ???what is this “communication”. Also depends on the day and parent. i have an entire tag devoted to my dad lol

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? I dunno probs my mom or one of my friends 

03: Do you regret anything? Lots

04: Are you insecure? "My insecurities have insecurities” tho tbh i’m gettin pretty good. 

05: What is your relationship status? Single and not ready to mingle

06: How do you want to die? in control and ready 2 go

07: What did you last eat? cream of chicken soup... chocolate frozen yogurt... caramel pudding....... I just had my wisdom teeth out.......give me real food......

08: Played any sports? Never, in my life. The audacity.

09: Do you bite your nails? Ahuh! Sometimes!

10: When was your last physical fight? ive never been in a 2-way fight but the most recent 1-sided one was probs in gr 6 when one of my friends (aha) dragged me across the classroom by my hair lol

11: Do you like someone? No :\

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? try 72 hon

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? lol trump (im not changing ur answer sophie cause its accurate lol) also anyone who aligns w him and rn all the conservative MPs for being dicks and a lot more I’m full of hatred rn 

14: Do you miss someone? i miss being able to eat real 

15: Have any pets? my sister has 2 ferrets :\ but she moved out so no

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? my face hurts

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? made out a cheque to my haters (just kidding i have no money and no haters i just was trying to be funny. im sorry. i need humour right now.)

18: Are you scared of spiders? i mean i think it depends on how dark it is and how big the spider is tbh 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i dunno i’ll need an informed consent form

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? :\ 

21: What are your plans for this weekend? first i gotta recover and then i gotta finish like 5 papers and hang with people and have a sleepover and hang with more ppl and watch a bunch of tv

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? I want to give birth to 0 kids tho I am still undecided on adoption etc. I’d probs be a rly good godmother tho like im just sayin. @1of1prism @purewhiteflames​ ;)) 

23: Do you have piercings? How many? no piercings as of yet tho i wanna get my ears pierced i think. but my dad disapproves of anything like that so i’d probs have to wait to either move out or be financially independent lol

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? rn? english, women and gender studies, most things involving research-based papers where i have free reign over the topic 

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? lotsa ppl tbh

26: What are you craving right now? food........that i can eat........ chickenmelts........hamburgers......pizza........pasta......... :’(

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? prob lol but do i care

28: Have you ever been cheated on? we’ve all been cheated on.......by the system.....

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? that would require having one

30: What’s irritating you right now? my goddamn jaw and people eating food I can’t eat in front of me. my parents had mcdonalds yesterday. you know what i had. a milkshake. my sister brought home bacon wrapped scallops. I haven’t had scallops in like 2 years cause they’ve doubled in price and the one time we have scallops let alone frickin bacon wrapped scallops (like what the hell what kinda fancyass lunch) I cant FRICKIN eat it. Oh but I can smell it. I can hear u crunching on these foods. “Mmmmm!” ya shut up.

31: Does somebody love you? Do you know how popular I am? I am soooo popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.

32: What is your favourite color? black and hot pink together

33: Do you have trust issues? ...........why are u asking..........what will u do with that info.......

34: Who/what was your last dream about? NO FREAKING JOKE!!!!!! i HAD A FRICKIN DREAM WHERE DANNY DEVITO CAME TO MY HOUSE WITH THIS LADY AND THEY TRIED TO BUY MY HOUSE AND MY MOM WAS LIKE “no..” AND THEY WERE SO MAD AND DANNY DEVITO TRIED TO STEAL THE HOUSE KEYS BUT I CAUGHT HIM JUST IN TIME like what kinda fake tumblr text post but it’s real i really dreamed that. I honestly can’t believe it. I would doubt it myself except I told someone abt it right away when I woke up. so now i will never forget.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom and this nurse because I woke up in a cot after being high on laughing gas and some other drug and steroids so not only did I wake up and I didn’t know where I was and no one was there and there was like an hour gap in my consciousness but I was coming off a high LOL

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? definitely not lol I give 2nd chances on rare occasions but as a general rule if u break my trust I won’t trust u in the same way again lol “trust is like a mirror. u can fix it if it’s broke. but u can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection”

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm forgive i guess

38: Is this year the best year of your life? well not politically or in a global sense but in terms of like self-growth and stuff I’m doing pretty well so far I’m doin pretty good. workin hard... having fun.. loving myself.. 

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? i have never in my life sullied my lips with someone else’s bacteria-laden lips

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? n.........o

51: Favourite food? chicken pasta alfredo, chicken pie, chicken vol au vents, chickenmelts, eggs benedict, um, double chocolate fudge tart from dufflet... hmm, Sophie’s dad’s lasagna and also pasta al fuerno or whatever that’s called like yum, uh.. it’s really easy to list these off when i CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also poutine, and I also rly like Subway (ham and cheese on italian herbs and cheese bread with lettuce, onion, pickles, and mayonaisse, toasted...) 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? kind of but I tried to explain it to someone once and they were like ??????what ur saying makes no sense and contradicts itself and i was like ya probably lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched a bad tv show my parents were watching and drank a giant mcdonalds milkshake and iced my face

54: Is cheating ever okay? honestly who am i to judge ur relationship and forgiveness and stuff but like imo if someone cheats on u they don’t respect u as an equal in that relationship or probably as a human

55: Are you mean? i can be a bit of a dick tbh but most of the time when i say something mean in my head im like “why is my mouth saying//why are my fingers typing these horrible ass things??”

56: How many people have you fist fought? well ive never used my fists on anyone but 2 people have punched me in the stomach does that count lol

57: Do you believe in true love? at the same time, i wanna hug you, i wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you’re an asshole, but i love you... so much i think it must be true love, true love. it must be tru-e love, no one else could break my heart like yo-o-o-o-o-o. yo-o-o-o-oh, oh-o-o-oh (No)

58: Favourite weather? either when its foggy and tranquil or when its like 23-25 degrees and sunny but also there’s some clouds so it’s not like direct hot sun on u but it’s still warm enough to wear shorts

59: Do you like the snow? i like when it’s snowing and quiet and peaceful and i like lying down in the snow and having that feeling of hearing everything kind of muted? but ya i hate slush and ice and stuff 

60: Do you wanna get married? not really but i might for tax benefits LOL

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, get that shit away from me

62: What makes you happy? lots of things especially seeing other people happy and genuine

63: Would you change your name? Maybe tbh it’s something i’m thinking abt right now cause I’m not a super fan of my name but maybe not officially and I also don’t wanna start shit with my fam I think my mom would be upset lol 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? ya cause they don’t exist lol

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well thats nice cause I like him too but what’s with this “opposite sex” bs like i know what u mean but like 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? like seriously it’s not a real thing sex and gender are both constructs it’s a spectrum, a range. my buddy. pal. listen. (also ya i like to think anyone in our friend group but like probs john cause I can be scathing with those guys but as if i’d ever be vulnerable around them LOL)

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? like ur gonna keep going with this. ur gonna keep doing this. thats fine. but i can give u some reading. like i have all these pdfs if ur interested. no joke. and if pdfs are unaccessible to u i also have a bunch of youtube links. like hon. (my dad)

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? wow i dont even know if i can tag u back @1of1prism cause if im being honest i think it was @purewhiteflames oops, yikes!!!

69: Do you believe in soulmates? no but i do think there are people that u are much more compatible with than other people

70: Is there anyone you would die for? i dunno we’ll see if/when it happens lol

I’m not gonna put anyone else through this so you can say I tagged u if u wanna do it but like lol

[jwoodhouse08-blog]

Lynne Locke, 17 years old

           Guilt hangs on me heavy as a sheet, the last words exchange between my aunt and I as heavy as earrings made of titanium. We were never close, but our last meeting was nothing short of disastrous. I called her a filthy name, she slapped my smart mouth leaving me with a bloody lip. I cursed, she stormed off and the whole thing was over just about the stupidest thing. Elbows off the table, Lynne. It didn't matter – god, you can be so ridiculous. Mind your elders Lynne. And now, now she's as dead as dirt. Now she can never forgive me. I mean, she wasn't even sick. How was I to know? Do you think she was thinking about me as she stormed around her spiral staircase, missed a step and toppled to her death with an almighty crack. Now she won't ever forgive me. Mom only said about a hundred times to shut my mouth. I should've listened to her, and now I'll be lucky if she doesn't haunt me. Aunt Mary always knew how to hold a grudge, she was like me in that way.

–        May the 8th, Y 1701

                My face burns for shame. No, it smolders. No, it melts. God, I wish it would melt- that I would melt and sink through the earth and be puddle instead of girl. If I'd only been anyone else, born with maybe a living father who could show my mother how not to be a complete idiot. She got it in her head that she would throw a grand party, really I think she needed a project – she hasn't been quite herself since Mary died. To say it didn't go well is the understatement of the year, maybe decade. An entire pitcher of lemonade was spilled on not a Lady, not even a Baroness but the frican Duchess of Torvey. And if you thought it was just a dizzy little servant girl then you don't know what it is to be cursed, which I clearly am. It was my mother, my stupid mother and just about everyone loves that nineteen year old little dimwit. To be perfectly honest, I loved her just a little bit too. Anyway, she said she was humiliated and the party came to an unceremonious close. Mother won't come out of her room which is just fine by me, I do not want to look at her.

–        February the 17th, Y 1702

              Mother looks weird, sick and pale. I do not like it a bit. I think I must ask her about it but I really don't want to hear it. I still feel raw and broken over Aunt Mary and I didn't even like her. I don't know what's going on with me these days. I'm so stupid, but I only know it after the fact. I met this silly messenger boy who somehow knows how to make me laugh. How he knows my humor when I don't, I don't know. I shouldn't be hanging out with any messenger boy, but he has interesting stories at least. And, he's cute. Don't let my mother catch me saying that, but god – he's more than cute. He's hulking, handsome. You would think he'd be scrawny rushing from place to place but he has tight calves and long legs, he's skinny but has shoulders like hard rocks. He had me squeeze his arm and it felt like one too. He knew what he was doing, and god I know it too. I've used him to keep me busy and to ignore my mother but I don't think I can play pretend any longer.

           - May the 29th, 1702

              I have confronted mother. It is even worse than I had feared. My slut mother couldn't keep her skirts about her and now she's knocked up. By who I couldn't tell you – I never so much as heard her whispering of a man, and she won't tell me either. I asked if he was married and she fell quiet like a scolded child. I didn't even know what to say. I am only eighteen and so much wiser than her. She is forty three, she has no business having a baby even if it were by a husband. Now everyone will call her a whore and they'll be right. She's damned our house, sullied our name, cursed us both.

–        May the 30th, 1702

              I don't know that I should write this down. It isn't very good at all. If I write it down it might come true and I don't know what I do – but I do know too. I'm not a silly girl, just a very stupid one. I never should have let him. I never should have wanted to. I did not learn a thing from my mother, did I? It was such an obvious lesson. What will they call us? What will I do? I don't know how I can tell her. She's thick about the middle now, people know, people stare. A little Locke bastard or too. An infant aunt. I believe I am pregnant. I told the messenger boy and he seemed so shocked, like that isn't how a child is made. He said he didn't know what I want from him. I don't want to marry a messenger boy. I don't want to birth his bastard either. But I do not get to make this decision. I know it is true. I do not know what can be done for it. Nothing, really.

–        September the 8th, 1703

              My sister is here. I thought I would look at her and see our undoing, but really, those cards have already been dealt. All thoughts of her bloodline flitted away when I looked at her face, so much like pudding. She is fat! I've never seen such a fat newborn before. My mother looked so tired after the birth, like she didn't have the energy to yell as she quietly held my new sister. “Desire',” she said finally, which I thought was a stupid name.

           “Mother,” I said and she flickered her attention to me, looking so serious and annoyed already. “I am pregnant.”

           She looked a moment more then returned her attention to Desire'. She was silent a while. “Maybe you are wrong.”

           “I am not wrong mother.”

           “Courses fall behind all the time.”

           I stood up and removed my sweater. I am five months gone now, and how she could not tell I do not know, so busy with her own undoing she could not see my own. “Gods be. How could you not tell me, Lynne?”

           “I didn't know how,” I said quietly.

           She closed her eyes, from within her arms the baby gurgled. “Who is the father?”

           “No one who can help us,” I said. I knew by now that I had made the same mistake as her, that I had found comfort in someone even more lowly than we were.

           “This is my punishment, I suppose.” She shook her head. “Lynne, how could you not learn from this? You had an opportunity. Now, we have nothing. Nothing for us. Nothing for them.”

           I looked at my sister. She had surprisingly sparse hair. Her eyes were oblivious but she would grow up one day and know her place in this world.

–        November the 30th, 1703

             I am thick with it now. The baby will come any day. It hurts to move, to breathe really. There are feet in my chest I am sure. It aches already, when I say so my mother laughs. I don't know what is so funny about all the pain I will soon be in. She is loopy with exhaustion. Desire' never seems to stop crying. I scarcely leave the house. People stare when I do. The lustful Locke's with bastard children and no fathers. I know we are disgusting to them. I do not want to see it, to know it, I am too full for it.

–        March the 3rd, 1704

               I've had a little girl, a niece for my four month old baby sister. She is so lovely to look at and feels like a warm basket of bread. The heat of a baby always surprises me. I didn't think it would feel any different than taking care of my little sister, but I was very wrong in that. She feels very much like my baby, which is a very scary feeling. I try not to pine for what could be, the world she could have if she were my daughter by a fine Lord with estates to her name and a future full of court and comfort with all the jewels and finery her little heart might desire. Instead my mother and I live off a savings, and an allowance from my Uncle, the brother of my father who feels some sort of responsibility to us – though he hasn't met even my little sister. It hasn't been very long since she's been about but I can't see him stopping by, which is fine. My mother and I are grateful for the support, enough to keep our household going and linens for the baby. It isn't enough. We are Ladies in name but really with a single servant we tend to many of the household chores ourselves. I know my father is probably rolling in his grave but that is not Sybil's fault. That is my girl, by the way, Sybil. Her father came by to meet her, it was so sweet to see her in his arms. I am hoping I can make a better marriage one day, I will be certain not to open my legs again for a man, if nothing for the opportunity for a better life for sweet Sybil. She has the last name Knoll, I wish she could have my own but I will take a healthy child for what it is. I think I am a good mother, aside all the ways I have failed her already. I am good in the sense of drawing baths and cleaning nappies, though I was never taught nor expected to. I catch on quickly and I do my duty by my child, if I make nothing of my life at least I will leave behind a daughter who knows that her mother cared for her.

–        March the 18th 1704

              I went by to visit her father with her dressed up in a sweet little dress. I shouldn't have for a thousand reasons. I never wanted him to be my husband and it would have been better for all of us had I written him off completely. Instead I walked in on him with another man. Not sitting gambling, or even with whores, rather naked from the waist down, partially exposed. What I could not see was buried up inside the other man – it was horrifying. I didn't scream or make a sound, turning my daughter around as quick as I could and rushing from the house. The shame in that I've had a baby by not only a messenger, but a homosexual.

           I did not visit him again, but it did not matter. I was not the one to report him but he became known as a homosexual by the mouth of another. I did not attend the hanging, he has long been dead to me. My daughter is none the wiser.

–        January 11th 1704

              The last few months have been one building headache. I get migraines now, shooting spikes in my head while I beg Sybil to stop crying so I might have a thought. My thoughts are ugly, they hurt. I do not know what my Uncle did to turn the hatred of the Carter's onto us, I know my mother and I's godless reputation did not help. Their matriarch is practically a saint, I have never seen her without rosary beads in hand. We made to attend church with the children and it was a degrading disaster, they all but chased us off the proporty. Everyone else stared and the priest pretended it was not happening but ever since I have felt absolutely ill. People are calling me an idiot as well as a slut, too stupid to know my place, so they remind us of it by wasting eggs on our estate. I have no choice but to wash them off myself, my Uncle often forgets to pay the maid and she found someone else to give her better wages. My mother has written him a letter as it has only been a week but it has been quite an ugly week. Desire' has been throwing up which means I'm always running things through the wash, especially because I worry so about her getting Sybil sick. Sybil isn't fat like her, she isn't an extremely skinny baby or unhealthy but she is thinner without rolls. I've been keeping her away from Desire' which has not helped her temper tantrums or my headaches. I really hope Desi feels better soon, it's awful seeing her so sick. I look forward to the two of them playing together again. They are both almost two and their games have begun to develop into actual things instead of wars over bottles of milk and who gets to suck what corner of the blanket.

–        December 21st 1705

              It is three days after Christmas, and five after the death of my baby sister Desire'. She did not go quietly or quickly, the horrible hawking sound of her cough and cries could have woken the dead. My Uncle came out for her funeral, a child he has never met. My mother freaked out on him, cried and struck him even but he only held her a while. I attended services then returned to my rooms with Sybil. She has been begging me to go in the yard but I don't even want to go downstairs. She keeps looking for her cousin and it just about breaks my heart. I cannot believe I will not get to see my sister grow up alongside my daughter. I had such a vision of them. I do not know how my mother will ever recover.

–        December 28th 1705

              My Uncle's visit was brief but effective. A few servants were hired and I have not had to wash so much as a single nappy since. It is a good thing as my heart is so heavy and my headaches have not gone away at all. My Uncle's lands were finally returned to him after a seizure by the crown so he is in better spirits. My mother walks around pale as a ghost but she has been stepping in to help with Sybil more, I know that she misses Desire'. Obviously her niece is no replacement but I think tending to the baby helps. I suppose she isn't much of a baby anymore at four years old, she chatters like a chipmunk anyway. Keeps us both busy. I have been writing to help with my grief, I am pretty good at it I think. It is nice to have something that is only for me. My mother has read some of my things and is always asking for more. We have become quite close which is good, the three of us are quite alone in the world without a single friend.

–        April 24th 1707

             My Uncle seemed to think he could redeem himself by putting good coin into a party. The details of what happened are lost on me, but the Carter's are not the only ones spitting on our house now. Something my Uncle has done I'm sure, something I cannot stop. Sometimes it seems as if my life is one giant boulder rolling down hill, going faster and faster, bound for some maddening collision but when it will come I do not know. Sometimes I find myself hoping it will just strike, and be done with. It is an ugly thought when I have Sybil, but I know that my mother will take care of her if that day does come.

–        November 12th 1708

             Sybil is six years old now, a vivacious and lively child, but as she's grown I had to admit that time has not agreed with her features. I would never call my child ugly, but with a firm prominent brow of dark hair, it doesn't seem there is much tweezers will do. In contrast the hair on her head is so thin. I rub all sorts of oils and ointments on it, but it always seems to be falling out. It is my fault I am sure, for all the stress I put her through. At six she can see her place in the world, much more than any child should have to see. We are hovering on some precarious edge of the world, and I can find comfort in  nothing. I have met another man, a Lord now, but I hate to admit that he is married. He pays me time and mind, bought me a locket or two. I know he cannot marry me, and that even if his wife Mae were not about – he wouldn't. He's just had his first son, Mae seems so happy – I watch her sometimes, perhaps more than I should. She pushes her pram and smiles into the fierce wind, walking along two loving handmaidens and it just makes me ill. I am far more interested in her than Roscoe. Not in that way of course, but I wish I could be her. I stole her hairbrush last time I slipped from the house, but I cannot run in through my own hair for fear of losing every last blonde tress. She is beautiful in many ways I am not. I think it is her happiness. It radiates from her like the sun.

–        July 15th 1709

              My courses were late, I expected an addition to my desperate little family but it doesn't seem she was keen to join us. I have delivered the smallest baby girl, with the thinnest skin. There was a world of veins and color beneath her skin, I couldn't stop staring. The Midwife took her away. She's just stepped from the room to get the maester because I can't seem to stop bleeding. I am feeling quite empty. I did not tell Sybil a baby was even coming, and now my mother has to explain to her that I might die. I do not mind the idea much.

–        October 8th 1710

             Death at 26 years old due to labor complications