#I feel like I am the only person who actually likes what I am doing with single dad Max BUT I want it

[inkskinned]

idaho is already moving to repeal same-sex marriage. they say it's an overreach of the governmental power, and that the law should be determined by "state's rights".

trump is expected to sign an executive order banning trans women in women's sports. in the article i've linked there, he notes that the "biggest hand" (most applause) he gets is when he attacks trans women. isn't that interesting.

i know my own father voted for him. my own father, radicalized by podcasts and bad youtube, voted for this; felt smug about it. he genuinely believes the dems want to "put christians in camps." as if the dems could ever get off their silken asscheeks and actually do anything. i wish they had strong enough messaging to be misattributed like this.

my girlfriend and i worked the polls on election day, counting ballots. my father was eating noisily beside us. "see? you're freaked out about nothing." after all, i live in massachusetts: beautiful, expensive, no-working-transportation MA. the only state to go all-blue.

"if it's state's rights, you'll be fine," he said. i'd been sworn at a few days before this. a year ago almost to the day, i got hit in the head with an empty beer bottle. he said i was being dramatic. after all, first-adopter "the gay state" Massachusetts would rather explode than get rid of same-sex marriage. so what should i care, after all.

this man is a deacon. i guess he expects me not to get out of the car in any red state. i guess he thinks my relationship dissolves across certain borders. he doesn't see why it's concerning that i can't leave, because why would i want to. who wants to go to idaho? who cares about the real, living, breathing people in idaho.

(but then again: who cares about the real, living, breathing humans on deportation planes. they're not us. after all, my father came here legally. i am an american citizen because of birthright citizenship. i am even debating this because he immigrated.)

i texted my mom about it. i feel sick. no matter how much activism and research and outreach i do: it's always shocking to see a room full of people who hate you so much that they take legal action against you. on my small ex-work-laptop, i watch the shaking hands of people in idaho begging their representatives to reconsider. the fear in their voice is palpable. no person should have their relationship threatened this way. the motion still passes, 46-24.

it's all just happening so fast. i feel i am pushing my hands through glass pieces, watching the cuts before i feel them.

people often reference "first they came for..." when stuff like this happens, and while that's fair - there's a very quiet part of me that always says they're already at your door, you complete idiot. the same force that governs trans women's bodies will also be used against cis women. the censorship about supposed "DEI terms" will also be used to stifle science in general.

it won't just be idaho.

[childishshroom]

I’m not the best at fic writing, or writing these characters/series in general, but i just had to get this idea out into words!!

(Lost my original draft of this cause of device dying, but i will prevail :[ )

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As Danny and the gang were walking down the side walk coming back from school, he suddenly sensed that a large amount of ecto was nearby, but that was impossible, there was only shops and a couple of random, far away people coming across the side walk towards them. And there was definitely no way it was from anyone he knew, he would of recognized it almost instantly.

‘Maybe its just a fluke? some random ambient patch of echo or something!’ He would start justify to himself, but that feeling never disappeared, in fact, it did the opposite, it only got stronger the longer he walked. And once it was strong enough he realized what kind of ghost that ecto would come from.

A revenant. One of — if not the most — violent, vengeful, short sighted, and all around pain in the butt to deal with, type of ghost. Of course, due to this fact, Danny quickly started looking around for the source of this negative ecto, sweeping over the shops, cars, manholes, and finally over the people they were about to pass, the ecto seemed to be concentrated around them the most, so he started looking them over, there were two of them.

There was a short woman, who probably somewhere around 25, sporting an almost fully blue outfit with the eyes and hair to match, leaving just her glasses being sort of purple tinted. Danny noted that she has roughly the same amount of ambient ecto as some just random, run of the mill paranormal hunter, if not a bit more then one, but nowhere even close to revenant levels of the stuff.

So, that leaves only the other person walking besides her.

He seemed to be a tall, pretty bulky guy, who looked like he couldn’t be that much older then 20, wearing a nearly full black suit, black and white what seems like gloves, and a pinkish-purple tie, matching with his purple hair — which, sure is an odd choice, but this is amity park, Dannys seen weirder. — anyways. Danny soon realized that he couldn’t really see the mans eyes, and that he seemed to be walking with a sort of lightness in his steps, not too dissimilar to when he himself walks around as phantom. But hey! Maybe he’s just a surprisingly light guy, who knows.

Getting back to business, he realized that while seemingly having similar levels of ecto to his companion at a glance, he had a MUCH higher level then her if you actually focused on him. So of course, he was Dannys best guess as to who the revenant might be.

But there was no way it was him! Revenants attack anybody and anything almost completely blindly, say’ from they’re target who they go after with unbridled rage. But this guy was literally just walking down the street, chatting with his friend, little to no rage, no vengefulness, not even any disappointment! Not to mention the fact that he at least looked human, revenants usually looked like strange, floating skeletons more then humans!

But Danny’s trail of thought would quickly be cut off by him spotting the weird — you could almost call it an aura — around that guy, purple, misty, and unmistakably ghostly.

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ANYWAYS!!! Thats it for now cause its 3AM on a school night and i am already regretting my decisions!

Might add more later if the ghost motivation’s future hits me hard enough, i think doing Lewis’s/Vivi’s perspective of this would be fun! :))

Do you want to see the continuation of this story?

[justwinginglife]

Better Half

“Hey- the Colonel’s hungry. Get him a sandwich or something. Better yet, make it a steak dinner. Actually, make it two.”

You barked orders to a passerby and the confused but obedient soldier threw out a quick salute in response before scurrying away to do your bidding. By now, he knew better than to question you (they all did); it was common knowledge that any command you gave, no matter how bizarre or seemingly random, was to be followed immediately if one wanted to avoid risking your wrath. Even Caleb was only half immune to this rule.

Once, you advised him to flank the left side of the enemy and he’d flanked the right instead. Besides the ground sliding out from beneath him because the right sight of the field had softened significantly more than the left due to recent weather conditions, he also had to suffer the consequences of your cold shoulder for the next week. Now he only disregarded you when he wanted to tease you; he’d never risk doing it out on the field again. You were many things, but you were almost never wrong when it came to battle strategy and that made you invaluable to him. At least, that’s what made you invaluable to him at first. As time went by, you became so much more to him than just sound advice.

You turned to face your superior only to see him attempting to stifle his snickers with a gloved hand. “Did I say something funny, Colonel?”

He attempted to clear his throat but it was to no avail. The slight shake in his shoulders gave him away. “It’s nothing- at ease, soldier.”

You stared at him, unamused.

Realizing it was futile, he finally let himself laugh aloud. “The Colonel is hungry, huh? Last time I checked, I was the Colonel. And I’m not hungry.”

You crossed your arms stubbornly. “You’ll be hungry soon; you always eat around this time anyway. And besides, I’m hungry.”

He smirked. “Are you telling me you’re throwing my name around just to get yourself a free dinner? Tell me, my oh-so-lovely-adjutant, does that sound like abuse of power to you?”

“Nope. Like I said, you’re going to get hungry here soon anyway.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

His stomach growled right on cue.

You raised a brow at him as if to say “I told you so.”

He laughed again, holding his hands up in surrender. “Fine, fine. Who knew you had my eating schedule all memorized?” He nudged you playfully with his elbow and you couldn’t help but relax slightly at his familiar touch, biting back a smile.

You knew he was supposed to be your boss, but he’d always made you feel more like equals than anything else. You were always the first person he greeted when he walked into work, and you were the only person he bid farewell to when he left. He kept you at his side almost constantly, seeking advice when he needed it, or simply company when he wanted it. This line of work could be gruesome at times, but somehow he felt that life was a little less gray when you were there to make him laugh.

Sometimes you’d pretend you were the only one who could make him open up like this. If anyone had seen the two of you at work, they would’ve agreed. To anyone else in the Farspace Fleet, he was the Colonel- calm, cool, collected. To you, he was Caleb- silly, stubborn, sensitive. Sometimes you’d even pretend he was your Caleb. But then you’d see that damn necklace around his neck and that familiar pain would trickle back into your chest like a poison seeping into your veins.

He wasn’t yours. He was never yours. He was… hers.

Every time he left for Linkon, every time he gave you that mock salute before grinning widely and telling you to “hold down the fort” until his return, every time he waved at you as he boarded the train, you felt your heart sink more and more. You wondered if maybe one of these days, he just wouldn’t come back. If maybe he’d run off with her, marry her. And then he’d forget all about you.

It wasn’t until he bounded off the train with a souvenir in hand for you ( he got you one every single time, without fail, whether he was gone for a day or a week), that you felt you could breathe again. It wasn’t until he was in the passenger seat of your car, letting you drive him home, listening to an album you’d both discovered together, that you felt you could relax again. It wasn’t until he was making you dinner in his home, the way he always did as thanks for picking him up, that you felt you could finally forget about her for a moment.

But it didn’t help that he always wore that damn thing everywhere he went. Even now, as you waited for the soldier to bring you and Caleb dinner, you couldn’t help but glare at the stupid hunk of metal. What an ugly design- she couldn’t have picked something more classy? It was the most unrefined thing he owned; you were sure you would’ve picked something more suited to him had you been given the chance. But you knew he’d never give you the chance.

Without meaning to, you let out a small sigh as you sank into your desk beside him.

“I don’t plan to return to Linkon anytime soon.”

You froze in your chair. Had he really caught on that quickly? You must not have been as subtle as you’d thought. “What do you mean?” You asked nonchalantly.

“That sigh. You always sigh like that whenever I say I’m going to Linkon. Well, I have no intention of making any visits in the near future.”

You had only meant to glance over at him briefly but when your eyes met his, you found it impossible to look away. You reminded yourself to breathe. “You’re not? How come?”

“No reason to.” He shrugged.

Bullshit. He had a reason. He had a good fucking reason and you hated it. You hated her. Without ever knowing her personally, without ever meaning to, you’d begun to hate her for the simple act of having him. “Oh really? No one to visit?” You asked innocently.

He chuckled. “Just say it if you’re gonna think it.”

“Think what?”

He raised a brow at you. “Really? We’re gonna play that game? Fine, I’m good at games. What should we play, 21 questions? Shall I guess what’s bothering you?” He moved to pinch your cheek and laughed when you swatted him away.

You could tell he was about to press the issue so you were grateful when the soldier finally returned with your meals. “Eat.” You commanded Caleb.

He saluted you. “Yes, ma’am.”

You ate in silence, but you could feel him sneaking glances at you. You didn’t dare reciprocate the eye contact for fear you’d never be able to look away.

“Hey.” The sudden solemnity in his voice surprised you.

“What is it?” You picked at your food some more as you waited for him to speak.

“Would you say I’m… needed?” His voice cracked slightly.

Well now you had to look at him. Just what on earth was going on in his head? You were just talking about Linkon, and now he was breaking out some existential philosophy? “Needed as in what?”

He winced. “Never mind.”

“No, I’m serious. As in what? As in the Farspace Fleet’s Colonel? Or as in Caleb?”

He picked at the edge of his desk. “I dunno. Both, I guess.”

“Honestly?”

He hesitated and then nodded slowly.

“The Farspace Fleet has never been more impressive in its entire history than it’s been under your command. But does it need you? No. So if you wanted to do something else, be something else, you could. You could do anything you wanted.”

“And… Caleb?”

You smiled warmly. “I’ll always need Caleb. He owes me a date, by the way; if you see him, tell him he’s not allowed to bail on me like he did last time; concert tickets are nonrefundable and expensive, and his oh-so-lovely-adjutant doesn’t make as much money as he does.”

He cracked a smile. “Caleb doesn’t get a break even when he’s sick, huh? Alright, I’ll be sure to tell him. No one messes with the Colonel’s adjutant, after all.”

And just like that, you were back to normal.

“He really did bring us steak dinners,” Caleb laughed as he cut up his food.

“I said steak, didn’t I? You should know better than anyone there’s consequences when you don’t listen to me.” You wagged your finger at him in warning and it only made him laugh harder.

“When I brought you on as my adjutant, I didn’t think I’d be hiring a comedian as well. Tell me- do you play venues or am I the sole viewer of your comedy act?” He teased.

“Neither. Both would imply I’m getting paid to be funny and unfortunately I am not. Unless you’d like to add my humor to your bill.” You winked at him.

He shook his head, grinning. “Unfortunately, my dear, I don’t think the Farspace Fleet can afford such quality humor. Will you accept payment in Caleb’s homemade dinners instead?”

Your eyes lit up. “Absolutely! Tastes better than this shit anyway.” You gestured to the food before you.

He chuckled. “You’re the one who made a big deal out of requesting it and now you don’t like it? So hard to please.”

“This steak is so well done, you’d think a crematory cooked it. I like Caleb’s medium rare steak much better.” You made a point out of chomping aggressively on the chewy hunk of meat.

He shook his head, grinning. Then he glanced down and began to poke the food around his plate, and you knew it was time to ask.

“So why wouldn’t you be needed?”

He choked on his water. “Wh-what?”

“You asked if you were needed and it was right after we were talking about your visits to Linkon. Did something happen?” You knew this was a sensitive topic, but you also knew him. He’d beat around the bush until the day he died. He’d tell you a million things, but never how he felt. He’d allude to it, dance around it, but never outright say it. Not unless you dragged it out of him.

“Not… not really.” He cleared his throat and continued to jab at his food with his fork. There it was. The famous Caleb avoidance tactic.

“You get into a fight with her or something?”

He bit his lip. “Nothing gets by you, huh? Yeah… something like that.”

“Nuh-uh. You’re not doing that shit with me, Caleb. She might let you get away with it, but I won’t. You know damn well I won’t. Come on- spill.” You demanded.

He gave you a sheepish look. “I’m fine, really.”

“You start getting all existential on me about if you’re needed and then you tell me you’re fine? You think I don’t know you any better?” You were starting to get annoyed, but you took a deep breath, trying to be patient with him. You knew this was hard for him. “It’s me, silly. I won’t tell anyone. Hell, I didn’t even tell anyone you cried during that dog movie.”

He snorted. “It died! It’s not my fault I cried. They make those movies specifically so you cry.”

You laughed and nudged him with your elbow. “So, if I can keep a secret about the all powerful Colonel of the Farspace Fleet blubbering like a baby, I can surely listen to you rant about your girl for one minute. C’mon. Let loose.”

He hesitated but then he gave in the way he always did when you persisted like this. “She… she said she didn’t need me anymore. She said she could take care of herself. She didn’t like the way I’ve been ‘acting’ now that I’m Colonel. I was just… I was just trying to protect her the… the only way I know how.” His fork clattered onto the plate as pain flashed across his eyes. “Anyway, point is, she doesn’t want me around anymore. So I’m… I’m here.”

Your brow twitched. “I’m sorry- the fuck does she mean she doesn’t need you? What, she thinks she’s all grown now and doesn’t need anybody? Even adults need to lean on each other sometimes, getting older doesn’t mean you stop relying on others. She’s too immature; only immature people go around claiming that they’ve ‘matured’ and don’t need help anymore. I’m telling you Caleb, I’ve been telling you, you seriously need someone older.” You paused to see how he was taking your ranting. He only listened in silence.

You set a hand on top of his and very gently said, “I could blow up her house if you wanted.”

That made him smile a little. “You know that’s not what I want. But I appreciate the offer.”

“I know, I know. You’re too good to people sometimes, Caleb. I think between the two of us, I’m the meaner one. I’d march right up to her -if you’d let me- and tell her exactly what I thought of her bullshit.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. You’re definitely the better one out of the two of us. You don’t… you don’t know the things that I’ve…”

“What- the things that you’ve done? Honey, I’m your partner in crime. The things you’ve done, I’ve done them with you.”

“But you don’t know what I… what I tried to do to her.” He admitted weakly.

“So lay it on me. What’s so scary that you think you can’t tell me?”

“I told her-” He swallowed, eyes darting away from yours. “That I’d lock her up to keep her safe. That it’d be safer for her by my side.”

“And?”

His eyes flicked back up to yours, wondering if he misheard you. “What do you mean, and?”

“And what else? Was that it?”

He huffed slightly, but there was no annoyance in his voice. “Of course you would think that’s fine.”

“But you’re right though. There is no safer place in the world than by your side. Besides the fact that you’ve got the coolest superpower in the world (seriously- it’s such a cheat), and that you’re a great fighter, you also just have the sway that comes with being the Colonel. She’d be an idiot to not realize that. Yeah, sure, you could’ve maybe worded the whole ‘lock you up’ thing better, but it’s like you said; you were only doing the best you could in the only way you knew how. I wouldn’t fault you for that.”

He stared at you for a moment. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

You gave him a wink. “Absolutely batshit, thank you.”

He laughed. “How is it that you always know how to make me feel better?”

“Umm, maybe because I’m the best adjutant in the world and you should pay me more?” You teased, nudging him again.

He snorted. “You wish. But seriously. Thanks. I needed that.”

You nodded. “Now, let’s go get drunk and talk about how much women suck. I’ll buy.”

He raised an eyebrow, amused. “But… you’re a woman. And you don’t drink. And you’re broke.”

You shrugged. “But my best friend drinks and he looks like he could use a drink and a good, old ranting session. And again, if you just paid me more, I wouldn’t be so broke.” You grinned unabashedly.

He took in the sight of your grin and couldn’t help but smile himself. You always had the brightest of smiles. It was damn near impossible to be upset around you.

The two of you soon found your way to a bar; Caleb specifically picked one near his house because he was sure he’d have to carry you home drunk. You insisted that you weren’t that much of a lightweight and even proposed a drinking competition but by the time you’d gotten one and a half drinks in, you were already dozing off in his arms. He chuckled as he gazed down at you fondly. Signaling to the bartender to close out his tab, he scooped you up in his arms and walked you to his house.

When he got inside, he laid you on his bed and simply watched you for a moment. He was tempted to crawl up beside you, as he was sure you wouldn’t mind, but then he thought better of it. He’d sleep on the couch instead. He turned to leave, but then decided instead to bend down and kiss the top of your head before whispering, “Thanks again for tonight. I had fun.”

He began to pull away, but before he could get too far, you latched onto him in your sleep and yanked him into bed beside you. He tensed up, unsure of what to do in this situation, but the sound of your even, happy breathing made his heart lurch in his chest. He could listen to it all night. He probably would be listening to it all night, because he wasn’t sure he could sleep with how tightly you were clinging to him. Did you even know what you were doing?

“Caleb…” You murmured in your sleep, nuzzling even closer to him.

He covered his mouth to stifle his chuckle. Yeah, you totally knew what you were doing. What was he going to do with you?

He brushed your hair to the side gently, wanting to get a better look at your slumbering face. You were adorable, there was no other way to put it. He wasn’t sure why he was thinking these things, as he was sure he would never dare to in broad daylight, but somehow, as you dozed off beside him, your perfume soaking into his shirt, he couldn’t help but enjoy it. Enjoy you.

He wondered if things could’ve been different, if you would’ve been the only one in his heart and in his bed like this, had he grown up in Skyhaven like you had. Would you have gone to school together? Would you have sat beside him? Would you have had lunch with him? Would he have had the nerve to ask you to the prom? He shook his head, laughing softly to himself. Probably not. He was plenty outgoing, but a pretty girl like you? He’d choke over his own words. It seemed he never had enough nerve when it came to matters of the heart. All he ever did was hold back how he was feeling and what he was thinking. But not… not with you.

His brows furrowed suddenly at the realization. Did he have a single secret from you? He swore he only had the one, and you’d just coaxed it out of him only hours ago. Now that he thought about it, you were the only person who truly knew him. The only one he shared everything with. Of course, he had someone he loved, someone he’d loved his whole life, but even she didn’t know all of his secrets. You were the only one he told them to. You were the… the only one he wanted to tell them to.

He tensed up again. How could he let this happen? This couldn’t happen. Besides the fact that he was already in love with someone, he shouldn’t have been sharing so much with one person anyway. You could betray him, you could leave him, or even worse, you could hate him. One day, he could share too much, and you would never look at him the same way again. And he couldn’t stand that.

Carefully, he pulled your arms off of him and made his way to the living room. He stared at the ceiling until sleep eventually took him.

In the morning, he woke up with a blanket around him. He blinked, still groggy from sleep. He hadn’t remembered to grab himself a blanket, where did it…

Suddenly he heard the soft sound of an inhale and an exhale, then another inhale and exhale. He quickly turned on his side. There you were, sleeping on the floor. You’d given him the blanket he’d had on his bed. He pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated. What the hell were you doing? Why were you on the floor? Didn’t he leave you in the bedroom? How long had you been here? He hoped to god you hadn’t been here long, otherwise you might get a cold from the lack of a blanket. He quickly scooped you up in his arms, attempting to settle you on the couch where he had previously been laying, so that he could wrap you up in the blanket, but you slowly began to stir.

“C-Caleb? What’re you-” You rubbed your eyes. “What’re you doin?”

He sighed. “What am I doing? What are you doing, why were you sleeping on the floor when I clearly put you on the bed, huh?”

You gave him a sleepy smile. “That’s an easy one. Cuz it’s your house. You should get the bed, silly. I tried to wake you up to get you to come to bed, but you were knocked out. Was like talking to a pile of bricks. So I brought you the blanket and slept on the floor.” You said it as though it were the simplest thing in the world.

He groaned. “You dork, I put you on the bed on purpose. How long have you been sleeping out here with no blanket on?”

“I dunno… couple hours?” You sat up slowly.

He rested his hand on your forehead, brow creased with concern.

“Watcha doin?”

“Making sure you’re not sick or something, cuz you slept in the cold like a dumbass.”

You grinned. “And? What’s my diagnosis, doc?”

“You’re not sick; you’re just stupid.” He flicked you in the forehead.

You laughed. “Good morning to you too, Cap’n Cranky.”

“Morning, goofball. I said I owe you one of Caleb’s homemade meals, right? How ‘bout I make you breakfast? I’ll make it nice and warm to make up for you sleepin in the cold.”

You straightened in excitement, nodding your head enthusiastically.

He cracked a smile and then got to work cooking.

No matter how many times you’d watched Caleb cook, you never got tired of it. You loved the way he expertly diced his vegetables, the way every cube was the same size. You loved the way he flicked his wrist out and flipped the pan. You loved the way he���d dip a pinky into the sauce to taste its flavor. You loved the way he hummed to himself when he got really into it. You loved everything about him.

“You know, I think I just might be your biggest fan, Chef Caleb.” You called out.

He grinned. “Only cuz I bribe you with my food. You wouldn’t like me so much if I didn’t feed you.”

“Hey- that’s not true. I’d like you no matter what.” You declared.

You might’ve imagined it, but you swore you saw him hesitate for a moment.

“Caleb?”

He blinked and his smile returned. “Sorry, spaced out.”

You stared at him carefully.

He sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding your gaze. “What? Why’re you staring?”

“Caleb, it’s too early to be doing this.”

“Doing what?” He asked innocently as he stirred the pot.

“To be hiding things. You know you can’t hide things from me, you have a terrible poker face.”

“Hey- I have a great poker face, I’ll have you know.” He said, putting a hand over his chest in mock offense.

“Says the guy who is trying to avoid the topic by continuing to talk about poker faces.” You retorted.

He sighed and turned the stove off. “Fine, fine. I should know better by now, nothing gets past you. I was just… I was just thinking last night about some things.”

You sighed. “Caleb. You’re going to have to elaborate on ‘some things.””

“I know, I’m getting there. It’s just… do you think… there would ever be a day when you don’t like me anymore?” He asked quietly.

You snorted. “Nope. Never.”

“But what if… what if I did something really bad? What if I hurt you?”

“I’d forgive you.”

“But what if I hurt someone you care about?”

“You’re the only person I care about.”

“But what if-”

“Caleb, where is this all coming from? What’s going on? Don’t you trust me?” You cut him off suddenly. You could tell he was starting to spiral.

He winced. “I do… it’s just… sometimes I think I’m not cut out to have any sort of close relationship with anyone. My… my hands are far too stained with blood and I-”

“Well, if I stain my hands right beside you, who’s to say whose blood it is?”

His eyes widened. “Wh-what?”

“I’m saying, I’ll hold your hand no matter what. I’ll stand by you no matter what. I don’t care what you do, I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t care what you’re going to do. You’re stuck with me. If you’re in it, I’m in it too.”

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

You walked over to him and wrapped your arms around him, enveloping him in a tight hug. “You dork, is this why you left the bed last night?”

He tensed up. “You… you knew I was lying with you?”

“Yeah and you were warm and then you left and it was cold. So it’s your fault if I get sick.”

“I just said you weren’t sick,” He grumbled, but a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Don’t bottle your feelings up again, okay? Just tell me if you’re feeling down. I don’t care if I’m asleep, I don’t care if I’m mid-shit, I will drop anything and everything for you.”

“Well I definitely wouldn’t interrupt you if you were mid-shit,” He laughed. “But I will keep that in mind… thanks. I really do appreciate it. You… you have no idea what it means to me to know that you’re there for me.”

“I’ll always be here for you. And my offer still stands; I will totally blow up her house if you ever want me to. I never liked her anyway.”

He shook his head, chuckling. “What’s with you and explosions? I really will have to keep you in line, won’t I?”

“Keep me in line? Who’s the one who flanked right when I said left and went down the hill in a landslide?” You raised a brow at him.

He groaned, palming his face with a hand. “I said I was sorry, how many times you gonna keep bringing that up?”

“As many times as it takes for you to know that I’m always right.”

“Yeah, yeah- you’re always right, eat your damn breakfast.” He laughed as he shoved a bowl of food at you and directed you to his dining room. Then he slid into a chair beside you, nudging you gently with his arm.

The two of you ate in silence but it was a comfortable silence. The kind you can relax in when you know the other person is waiting for you on the other side of that silence. The kind you can only enjoy when you truly cherish the company you have.

“This is nice; I should bother you for breakfast more.”

He let out a breathy laugh. “Is that right? What should I charge you for in return?”

“Is my undying attention not enough?”

“Undying attention is pretty good. But my home cooked meals are a hefty price. How about your undying attention and no more secrets between the two of us?”

You stared at him curiously. “We already have no secrets.”

“I think we have a grand total of one.”

“One? That’s one I’ve never heard of.”

“You still haven’t told me why you get upset every time I go to Linkon.”

You choked on your porridge. “Upset? I don’t get upset. The weather is just terrible there and I don’t want you to get sick.”

He raised a brow at you. “Now who’s got a bad poker face?”

“I think we should have no secrets except for my one. It’ll be the only exception. And then no secrets after that.” You mumbled in between bites. You were now feeling the need to stuff your cheeks so full that it was physically impossible to answer him. God, your behavior was ridiculous, and you knew it was, but you couldn’t help yourself. How was it that you could control an entire fleet and yet you couldn’t control your own feelings? You weren’t even sure you could control your face right now. You were sure your cheeks were as red as the sunrise.

“What’s so big a deal about your one secret? I told you I was willing to lock someone up for the rest of their life, and your secret is worse than that?”

You nodded quickly. “Oh my god, so much worse.”

He crossed his arms, unconvinced.

“You’ll honestly never look at me the same way again, I think it’s probably for the best if we keep this one under wraps.” You said weakly. You didn’t dare to look him in the eye.

“You said you’d like me no matter what. Well, I’m the same way with you. I’ll like you no matter what.”

“That’s-” You cleared your throat. “Kinda the issue.” You mumbled under your breath.

He tilted his head towards you, straining to hear your last words. “What did you say?”

“I said I need a tissue. Too much porridge. Messy stuff.” For good measure, you let some of it drip down your lip, shrugging your shoulders as if to say “What can you do?”

He rolled his eyes before grabbing a napkin. You thought he’d just hand it to you but instead he gently wiped the porridge from your face. His fingers brushed against your lips once. Then twice. Then again.

“Um… I think you got it.” You blushed.

“How long are we going to keep doing this?” He murmured, eyes fixed on the fingers that were still caressing your lips.

You swallowed. “Doing what?”

“Pretending.”

Your eyes widened and you pulled away suddenly, standing up straight instead. “Anyway-I-think-everything-is-going-to-work-out-great-your-girl-will-be-over-herself-in-no-time-at-all-and-you’ll-be-back-in-Linkon-before-you-know-it-okay-great-talk-I’m-gonna-go-wash-my-dishes-now-thank-you-so-much-for-the-meal.” You blurted out hurriedly before escaping to the kitchen.

“This is my house, you know. You can’t run and hide from me!” He called from the dining room, his voice getting louder as he made his way towards you.

“Not hiding!” You called back.

“Bullshit.” His arms wrapped around your waist, turning you to face him. He backed you against the kitchen counter. “Tell me the truth.”

You flinched. “I can’t.”

“You can, you just won’t. But if you’re gonna go and bottle up your feelings, then I can too, right?” His voice dropped to a low tone, almost like he was threatening you with his own feelings.

You sighed. “Fine. Fine, no secrets. But just… could you turn around and look the other way? I can’t say it when you’re looking at me like that.”

“No- you made me spill my guts to your face yesterday. It’s only fair you do the same.”

“Caleb!” You whined.

“No. Come on. Just tell me. I promise that whatever it is, it won’t make me think any less of you.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose in frustration. “Alright. Okay. Fine. I’m in love with you. There. Happy?”

“Immensely.”

Without another word, he kissed you.

Your whole body froze. What? What was going on? Oh. You had to still be sleeping. That had to be it. There was no way he was actually kissing you. He was still in love with what's-her-face. There was no way he was-

His tongue slid into your mouth.

Your eyes squeezed shut as a whimper tumbled past your lips. Oh god, he was actually kissing you. And he tasted good. Kinda like porridge. But good. Oh god, why was he kissing you? Did you even care? Wait, yes, you very much did care. You very much did not want to be a rebound. No way in hell. You’d rather be in the friend zone than the rebound zone. God no.

You quickly pulled away from him, gasping for breath.

“Did you not like it?” He asked, eyes looking slightly hurt as they skimmed over you, trying to find an answer.

“Ha… did I like it? Of course I liked it.” You grumbled under your breath, still looking away from him.

“So then why-”

“Because I’m not her. I’m not sure if you realize that.” You’d snapped and you hadn’t meant to snap. Oh fuck, you really hadn’t meant to snap.

You heard him exhale a shaky breath.

Oh no. No, you really weren’t trying to hurt him. You immediately turned to reach for him.

“Ha. Got you to look at me.” He smirked.

Oh, you bastard. You scoffed and flicked him in the forehead. “Jackass. Why are you acting all hurt?”

He leaned in towards you, grinning. “Why are you acting all sensitive? Aren’t you in love with me? Usually, people wanna kiss the person they’re in love with; I mean, I get that you’re new at this love thing-” He teased.

You pinched his cheeks, interrupting his speech. “Yeah, yeah. You’re being a pain in my ass right now, you know that? And besides, I refuse to be your rebound, so maybe you should be careful who you go around kissing.”

His grin faded. “What do you mean? It’s not like I’m going around town kissing people. Just you. You’re the only one I want to kiss.”

You raised a brow at him, unconvinced. “You were just in love with someone else, only moments ago.”

“Hey, that was yesterday. I’m a whole new me today.” He attempted to joke lightheartedly but he couldn’t help the feeling of heaviness that had begun to settle in his chest. You didn’t believe him. Of course you didn’t believe him. He didn’t blame you, but it still hurt.

“Caleb- you were in love with her for years. That doesn’t just go away. I’m not gonna be the bandaid on a gaping wound.”

His expression grew serious and he straightened. “I know. I don’t expect you to be. But I think… I think we’ve been done for a while now. I just didn’t want to accept it. I was always… changing myself to be whatever I thought she’d like. When I finally got comfortable enough to show her who I really was… well, you know how that went. But you…you’re the only person who sees me and loves me anyway.”

“So what? Doesn’t mean you love me back.” It killed you to say the words, but it was true nonetheless. As badly as you wanted to be his, as badly as you wanted him to kiss you nonsensically until you forgot all rationale, until you forgot your own name, until you forgot what day it was, as badly as you wanted him to cuddle you to sleep, to be there when you woke in the morning, you didn’t want it if he didn’t want it. He’d had enough of pretending in his life; he didn’t need to pretend to love you back just to appease you. It’s not like you would quit your job if he rejected you. You’d already stayed by his side regardless of your feelings and his lack of return on them. You didn’t want to be just one more person he had to change for.

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t mean that. But I do love you, regardless. Love is a choice; I choose you.” He said it so simply. Like he was reciting a book, like he was just stating a fact.

“But what if I don’t want you to choose me just because I’m the only one who understands you? If someone else comes along who understands you just as well as I do, will you want them instead?”

He shook his head. “I’m not choosing you because you’re the only one who understands me. I’m choosing you because you’re the only one I want to understand me. You’re the only one who makes me laugh every damn day, the only one I want to laugh with every damn day. You’re the only person who tells me when I’m being stupid, and the only person I listen to when I’m being stupid. Hell, you’re the only person I can’t live without. I’ve already been living without her this entire time, between the long distance and the long missions, but from the moment I met you, I knew I’d need you. So let me need you. Let me love you.” He held his breath as he waited for your response. “It’s also a no charge on Caleb’s homemade meals for his girlfriend,” He added on lightheartedly, hoping you’d laugh.

You bit your lip in attempts not to.

But he knew you better than that. He grinned. “There she is. Hi, baby.”

Your cheeks flushed. “Caleb! You can’t just call me that- I’ve not even said yes yet!”

He smirked. ���Yeah, but your cheeks already did.” He kissed each side of your blushing face.

“No charge on meals and you’re paying for concert tickets.” You grumbled, attempting to remain serious.

He laughed heartily. “Only you would attempt to put a price on a relationship. Fine. Sounds like a deal to me. I still think I got the better end of the bargain anyway.” He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you towards him before beaming down at you and peppering you with light kisses here and there. “I get a woman who’s both generous and gorgeous. She just gets Caleb.”

“Well, Caleb is more than enough for her. She loves Caleb exactly the way he is.”

“He’s starting to love Caleb the way he is too. All because of her.”

Taglist: @tbaluver @pixelcafe-network @ouiouimochi @inkytypewriter @minasfwoopyponytail

[foreveia]

fourteen ⤨ oikawa tooru

⨭ genre; fluff

⨭ pairing; oikawa tooru x fem!reader

⨭ word count; 6.5k

⨭ descriptions; as much as you love romcoms, you're a realist and recognise just how illogical true love is—unfortunately for you, fate has other plans.

⨭ warnings; profanity

⨭ a/n; my 2025 motto has been to just write and not worry too much about perfectionism, so here's my mess of an oikawa fic. it's acc unreal i have finished three fics in a week's time lol who knows how long this creative streak will last but wtv. in the meantime, enjoy :)

one.

During your four-hour layover in SFO, you decide that 4AM flights are only slightly less inconvenient than paying full price for a flight at noon. Because right now, it’s honestly just eerie: San Francisco International Airport (full-government name because you fear this might actually be where you die) is completely empty, largely dark, and very, very desolate.

You sigh and glance around the lounge, which is dimly lit and suspiciously quiet except for the distant hum of a floor polisher somewhere beyond the gates. Every shop is shuttered, every PA announcement echoes into nothing, and the only signs of life are a few overworked employees slumped behind their counters; you’re the only one at your gate, your phone charging via one of the blue-light towers, headphones blasting at maximum volume. You’re trying to drown out the unnerving feeling in your chest with Gracie Abrams and SZA—it’s not working in the slightest, actually making you increasingly wary of your vulnerability.

But whatever. You’re a #brokecollegestudent, so obviously you’re willing to risk your life for a good deal.

Honestly, you should really be asleep. That was the plan, after all: you had it all mapped out—get here, find a quiet corner, conk out, wake up only when it’s absolutely necessary. Instead, your brain is running on fumes and bad decisions, vibrating horribly in your skull because you’re an idiot and didn’t realize how paranoid you get when you’re sleep deprived.

You groan, stretching your legs out in front of you. “Kill me,” you mutter under your breath.

“First time traveling?” a voice pipes up, obnoxiously chipper for the time of night.

You freeze mid-stretch. You are not alone.

Slowly, you turn toward the source of the voice.

Sprawled across the lounge chair opposite you, looking for all the world like he belongs here, is a guy—tall, lean but broad-shouldered, stupidly good-looking even under the sickly fluorescent lights. Tousled brown hair, sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie that are clearly designer but worn like he doesn’t give a damn. His legs are stretched out like he owns the entire damn lounge, and he’s got this lazy, almost smug smirk on his face, like he’s enjoying whatever show you’re unknowingly putting on.

You narrow your eyes. “Excuse me?”

He gestures vaguely at you, at your very obvious state of suffering. “You look like you’re miserable right now.”

“I am,” you say. “What’s it to you?”

“Nothing,” he shrugs, then tilts his head. “Just figured misery loves company.”

Your brain is still catching up to the fact that this man—a stranger, an audacious one at that—has just decided to start a conversation with you, unprompted, in the middle of an empty airport. You eye him cautiously. “You do realize there are approximately four million other places to sit, right?”

He grins. “Yeah, but none of them have you.”

You blink. “Are you flirting with me?”

“Depends.” His smirk widens. “Is it working?”

“No.”

“Damn,” he says, without an ounce of actual disappointment. “Guess I’ll have to try harder.”

You scoff, shaking your head as you glance away. God. Of all the people to be stuck in airport limbo with, you had to get the charming, insufferable kind. The kind that probably coasts through life on natural athletic ability and the kind of face that gets him out of parking tickets. The kind that’s entirely too comfortable stretching out in a public lounge like it’s his personal living room.

He’s watching you, you realise. Like he’s waiting for something.

“What?” you sigh.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he says.

“I don’t remember you asking one.”

The corner of his mouth twitches like you’ve just mildly amused him. “First time traveling?” he repeats.

You roll your eyes. “No. Just first time being stuck in an airport at an hour when no one should be conscious.”

“Ah,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “A rookie mistake. 4AM flights are a scam.”

You snort. “And yet, here you are.”

“Touché.”

You take another glance at him, this time really looking. Something about him tugs at your memory, like a song you’ve heard before but can’t place. The messy hair, the easy confidence, the way he’s practically radiating I’m used to being the center of attention energy.

Then, in a flash, it hits you.

“Oh,” you say, recognition clicking into place. “Wait—you’re Oikawa.”

His eyebrows lift slightly, a flicker of interest crossing his face. “You know me?”

“You’re that volleyball guy,” you say, pointing vaguely at him. “The one who’s, like… unnecessarily famous.”

Oikawa grins. “Unnecessarily?”

“I mean, it’s volleyball,” you deadpan. “I didn’t even know people could be famous for that.”

His expression morphs into something between offense and wounded pride. “Ouch. I think I might actually cry.”

“Please do,” you say. “It’ll entertain me.”

He clutches his chest theatrically. “You’re ruthless.”

“I’m tired,” you promptly correct. “And delirious. And currently stuck in an airport with a man who’s trying to convince me he’s a big deal.”

Oikawa scoffs, but there’s something amused in his gaze, like he’s enjoying this. “You’re not a fan of sports?”

“Not really,” you shrug half-heartedly, looking back down at your beat-up Filas. You’re not lying; even so, you’ve seen his games on TV before (you watch the Olympics after all—you’re not a total basket case). He’s a flirt, a player with double meaning, and you would really rather avoid getting involved with anything complicated. “I’ve never been into jocks.”

“Never been into jocks,” he echoes, shaking his head. “And here I thought I could be your Peter Kavinsky.”

“No, thank you. I would never write you a love letter.”

Oikawa laughs at that—an actual laugh, not just the smug little chuckle you’ve gotten so far. It’s rich and warm, and you hate the way it makes your stomach flip just slightly. Who even are you right now? This whole situation is so unbelievable that it makes you more confident.

You cross your arms, looking him up and down. “So what’s your excuse?”

“For what?”

“For subjecting yourself to this hellscape of a layover,” you say, gesturing at the ghost town of a terminal around you.

He sighs, dragging a hand through his already messy hair. “Came back to visit some old teammates in California. Now I’m heading home.”

“Japan?”

“Bingo.”

Your brain is slow, groggy, and running on fumes, but something about that answer sticks. “Wait,” you say, frowning. “What flight are you on?”

Oikawa glances at you, like he knows exactly what you’re about to realize. “4:00AM to Haneda.”

You stare at him. “No.”

His grin is almost devious. “Yes.”

Your stomach drops.

Fourteen hours. Fourteen whole hours, stuck on a flight. With him.

Oikawa watches the realization dawn on your face, and for the first time since he sat down, he looks genuinely entertained.

“Well,” he says, stretching his arms over his head. “Looks like you’re stuck with me.”

You are going to lose your goddamn mind.

two.

For all your romcom consumption, you never stopped to consider what you would do if coincidence and chance conspired against you in that manner. You figured if fate was ever going to meddle in your love life, it would be in an incessantly normal way—maybe a slow-burn situation with a coworker, or a friend-of-a-friend you never noticed until one fateful night.

Not… this.

Not staring at seat 14A like it’s a death sentence, because your boarding pass is crumpled in your fist, because of course when you finally find your row, Oikawa Tooru is already lounging in 14B, looking far too pleased with himself.

He glances up as you approach, then breaks into the most shit-eating grin you’ve ever fucking seen.

“Well, well, well,” he drawls, leaning back like he just won the lottery. “Fancy seeing you here.”

You stop dead in the aisle, refusing to believe what your own two eyes are telling you.

“Are you following me?” you blurt, because there is absolutely no way the universe would do this to you.

Oikawa, ever the dramatist, clutches his chest. “Sweetheart, if I wanted to follow you, I’d at least be more subtle.”

“Show me your ticket.”

He raises an eyebrow but pulls out his boarding pass with a flourish anyway. You squint to read the text, half-hoping that you would find some spelling error that could place either of you somewhere else. But nope: his ticket reads 14B in big, bold letters, right next to Oikawa Tooru and Gate 11.

You exhale slowly, pressing your fingers to your temple. Jesus fuck. He manifested this, with his snarky commentary and all about being stuck with him; you would say that you’re gonna kill him for this, but evidently, karma is real and terrifying.

Oikawa, meanwhile, is having the time of his life.

“What are the odds?” he muses, tucking the ticket back into his hoodie pocket. “Out of all the seats on this flight, I get to sit next to you.”

“This is a nightmare,” you mutter.

“Nightmares are scary,” he says. “I’m a delight.”

You glare at him and shove your bag into the overhead bin with slightly more force than necessary. He watches, thoroughly entertained, as you lower yourself into your seat like you’re walking into a trap.

The cabin fills with the usual pre-flight chaos—flight attendants directing traffic, the hum of passengers settling in, the occasional thud of an overhead bin slamming shut. You try to focus on that, on anything other than the man currently making himself comfortable in the seat beside you.

Maybe if you ignore him, he’ll get bored.

Oikawa leans an elbow on the armrest between you, tilting his head slightly. “So,” he says. “What’s your in-flight entertainment plan?”

“My what?”

“You know, what’s gonna keep you occupied for the next fourteen hours?” He gestures vaguely to your bag. “Movies? Reading? Soul-searching?”

“Sleeping,” you say immediately. “It’s four AM. Like a normal person.”

Oikawa tilts his head, considering. “See, I would believe you, but you already look wide awake.”

You scowl at him. Because unfortunately, he’s right—your body is so far past exhaustion that sleep is a distant, unattainable dream. You sigh and shift in your seat, pressing yourself closer to the window.

He grins, victorious. “You should talk to me instead.”

You let out an actual laugh—short, sharp, disbelieving. “Why the hell would I do that?”

“Because I’m fun.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Same thing.”

You shoot him a flat look. “I don’t like you.”

“And yet, you still haven’t put your headphones in,” he points out.

Damn it. You hate that he’s right. Again.

You huff, finally fishing your headphones from your bag and shoving them into your ears with exaggerated finality. Then, just for good measure, you turn to the window and squeeze your eyes shut.

Oikawa doesn’t say anything else. For about thirty seconds. Then, right as the plane begins to taxi down the runway, you hear him say, way too smugly for your liking, “you’re gonna talk to me eventually.”

You pretend to be asleep. You can feel him watching you, like he’s waiting for you to crack, like he knows something you don’t. 

Ugh. This is gonna be a long flight.

three.

By hour three of the flight, you’ve come to realise that Oikawa has a surprising love for the classics. 

Trust: you weren’t actively trying to notice his choice of in-air films, but your periphery and conscience betray you, and you become acutely aware as your seatmate cycles through The Proposal and Crazy Stupid Love (two objectively incredible films). He cues 10 Things I Hate About You next, which is probably your favorite movie of all time; you adore said movie so much that, despite all of your previous complaints and window-seat protests, you eventually lean into the seat rest separating you two and watch along.

Not openly, obviously. Not in any way that would give Oikawa the satisfaction of knowing he’s captured your attention. You angle your face toward the window, feign a vague disinterest, and sneak quick glances when you think he’s not looking.

Spoiler: he notices immediately.

“You know you could just watch with me,” Oikawa says, not even bothering to take his eyes off the screen. “You’re not exactly subtle.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say flatly, keeping your gaze stubbornly trained on the clouds outside.

“Uh-huh.” He shifts in his seat, casually turning the screen toward you. “C’mon, if you’re gonna steal glances, at least commit.”

“I wasn’t stealing anything,” you huff, but it’s weak, and you both know it.

Oikawa smirks, and—against your better judgment—you give in, finally glancing at his screen properly to watch Kat Stratford dancing drunkenly on a table. He offers you one of his earbuds, which you take very, very tentatively. You would be deeply unhappy about the proximity if your love of Hypnotize didn’t trump it. 

You sigh, leaning your cheek against your palm. “This movie is so good.”

“Right?” Oikawa grins, clearly pleased with himself. “Pretty bold of you to call me insufferable when you clearly have taste.”

You narrow your eyes at him. “What does that mean?”

“It means you love this movie, I love this movie—therefore, you and I have more in common than you’d like to admit.”

You scoff, but there’s no real bite to it. “Liking 10 Things I Hate About You is just basic human decency.”

Oikawa presses a hand to his chest, mock-flattered. “Oh, so now you’re calling me decent?”

“No, I’m calling the movie decent. You’re a fluke.”

He gasps dramatically, then shakes his head, muttering something about how you wound him. But his smile lingers as the film plays on, and maybe—just a little bit—you don’t find his presence as unbearable anymore. He’s too distracted watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt pine to be truly annoying.

Somewhere between the next few scenes, you relax completely, not even pretending to look away anymore. You’re leaning in slightly now, watching the moment where Patrick buys Kat a guitar, and it takes an embarrassingly long time for you to realize that Oikawa’s staring at you instead of the screen.

You blink. “What?”

He tilts his head, amused. “You’re, like… really into this.”

You scoff, flicking your gaze back to the movie. “I just appreciate good cinema.”

“Oh, so you’re a romcom person.”

You hesitate—because there’s something about the way he says it, a sort of curiosity that feels deeper than just casual conversation. It could be interpreted as judgmental, but somehow, the way he says it doesn’t seem to be. Still, you brush it off, nodding begrudgingly. “Yeah. So?”

Oikawa hums, glancing back at the screen as if weighing his words. Then, without looking at you, he says, “Do you think this stuff actually happens?”

“What, grand romantic gestures?”

“Yeah. Stuff like this. The running through the airport thing. The whole public love confession in front of the entire school thing. Do you think it’s real?”

You consider it for a moment, shifting in your seat. “I think… I think people want it to be real,” you admit, watching as Patrick and Kat kiss in the movie’s final scene. “Like, deep down, even the most cynical people kind of want to believe that this kind of thing could happen to them.”

Oikawa doesn’t respond right away. He just watches you, his expression unreadable.

Then he asks, voice softer this time, “And do you?”

The question settles in your chest, heavier than it should be. Do you believe in grand gestures? In someone showing up unannounced at your door, confessing their feelings in the pouring rain? In someone looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world worth fighting for?

If you’re being honest, you’re a hopeless romantic at heart. It’s why you love the genre so much—because despite all your cynicism, despite every realist take you’ve ever had, a part of you still wants to believe in love that lasts. You just don’t think it’s likely. People fall out of love with each other. Feelings fade. Real life is rarely as cinematic as the movies make it seem.

You exhale, suddenly too aware of the way Oikawa’s watching you, like he sees right through you.

“I think it’s… nice in movies,” you say carefully. “But in real life, people just disappoint you. It’s not worth taking the chance and getting hurt.”

Oikawa studies you for a long moment, his expression unreadable. Then, to your utter surprise, he smiles—small and knowing, the kind that makes your stomach do something weird.

“Well,” he murmurs, leaning back in his seat, “maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.”

Your breath catches. You hate the way your heart stumbles over itself, just for a second.

You force yourself to roll your eyes, turning back toward the window. “Gross,” you mutter, hoping he doesn’t hear the slight waver in your voice.

Oikawa just chuckles, hitting play on When Harry Met Sally.

“Talk to me when we hit the part where Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm,” he says, stretching his arms behind his head. “Then we’ll really see where you stand on romance.”

You shake your head, biting back a reluctant smile.

And as the flight drags on, you realize—with a sinking feeling—that you don’t actually mind sitting next to Oikawa Tooru as much as you thought you did.

Oh God. That can’t be good.

four.

Halfway through the scene where Harry and Sally are in flight, you decide, after much internal conflict, that you’ll allow yourself to like Oikawa for this flight and this flight alone. It’s harmless. A temporary indulgence. You can enjoy the anonymity, let yourself sink into the moment, and then disappear once the plane lands. Maybe you’ll see his Olympic gameplay on TV one day, mention it offhandedly to whoever you’re with at the time, and then promptly forget about him.

Because here’s the thing: if you let yourself, you could probably fall for people pretty easily. You keep your guards up because it’s safer, but you imagine that love is like getting sucked into a black hole—you either fall forever, or you hit the ground so hard it shatters you. And if there’s one thing you know about yourself, it’s your tendency to self-sabotage: you don’t remember a single relationship you’ve had where you didn’t walk away first. You really would prefer to keep your romantic fantasies in fiction; it hurts less. 

You never realized that Oikawa could share this conviction. 

He doesn’t say anything when you shift slightly toward him, resting your arm on the seat rest between you. He doesn’t comment when you fully give in, watching When Harry Met Sally with him like it’s something you’ve been doing forever. He just lets it happen—like he expected it, like he knew you’d cave.

You don’t like that. But you do like the movie.

The scene in the airport plays, Sally meticulously laying out her travel quirks—I like the aisle seat, so I can stretch my legs. I don’t like to eat between meals, but I always want something sweet after dinner. You smile to yourself. You’ve always loved the specificity of it: how she knows exactly what she likes, how she doesn’t compromise on it.

“I feel like dating you would be exhausting,” Oikawa muses abruptly, arms crossed over his chest. 

You tear your gaze away from the screen just long enough to give him a withering look. “Excuse me?”

He gestures vaguely in your direction. “You’re too—” He pauses, searching for the right word. “Particular.”

You scoff. “And you’re not?”

“Not in the same way.” He shifts slightly, smirking. “You’d analyze me to death. Pick apart every little thing I do.”

You raise an eyebrow. “You say that like you wouldn’t be a terror to date.”

Oikawa grins, looking entirely too pleased with himself. “Thinking about dating me, are we?”

“I’m thinking about how insufferable you’d be,” you correct, turning back toward the screen.

“Mm. You sure?”

You shoot him a look.

He sighs, dramatic as ever. “Shame. I’d be great at it.”

You snort. “Doubt that.”

His smirk widens. “That sounded a lot like a challenge.”

“It’s not.”

“I think it is.”

“Oikawa.”

He chuckles, finally turning back to the movie, and for some reason, you feel yourself relax again. The teasing is easier now, lighter. You don’t hate it.

And, despite yourself, you sneak another glance at him before looking back at the screen.

The movie plays on. Harry and Sally are walking through Central Park in the fall, debating the age-old question of whether men and women can be just friends. You know every word of this scene, could probably recite it in your sleep. 

“I love this part,” you say, before you can stop yourself.

Oikawa glances at you, intrigued. “Why?”

“It’s just—” You pause, searching for the right words. “It’s the conversation. The way they both believe so deeply in their own side of things. And they’re both right, in different ways.”

Oikawa hums, tilting his head. “So, which one are you?”

You blink. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think men and women can just be friends?”

You hesitate. You’ve thought about it before, obviously—you’ve had guy friends, you’ve had moments where those friendships blurred at the edges, where you wondered if they were really as platonic as you claimed. 

“I think it depends,” you decide finally. “Some people can. Some people can’t.”

Oikawa watches you for a beat, his expression unreadable. “And what about us?”

Your breath falters; the question feels heavier than it should. You force yourself to scoff. “We’re not even friends.”

He laughs, and you hate how warm the sound is. “Cold.”

You shift in your seat, trying to ignore the way your stomach flips. “I just mean we met, like, five hours ago.”

“Five very meaningful hours,” he says, nodding seriously.

You shake your head, turning back to the screen—just in time for the diner scene.

“Oh, here we go,” Oikawa murmurs.

You grin. “Cinematic excellence.”

Sally fakes an orgasm, loud and unashamed, right in the middle of Katz’s Deli. You try not to look at Oikawa as you laugh, but his presence is suddenly overwhelming, like you can feel him beside you even without looking.

“She’s got a point, you know,” he says.

“What?” You glance at him.

He gestures to the screen. “Half of dating is just making people think you’re having a good time.”

You scoff. “That’s your dating experience, maybe.”

Oikawa raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You’re a playboy.”

He groans. “I knew you were going to say that.”

“Because it’s true.”

“It’s outdated,” he argues. “Was I kind of a flirt in high school? Sure. But I grew out of that.”

You snort. “Did you?”

Oikawa turns to you, expression softer now. “I did,” he says, and you don’t know why, but the look in his eyes and the way his voice wavers make you believe him. 

There’s something almost sad about it, how under his layers of bravado and grandiosity, he seems just the slightest bit lonely. You don’t say anything. You just watch him, the way his jaw tenses slightly, the way his fingers drum absentmindedly against the armrest.

“I don’t know,” he continues, voice quieter. “Never really met someone who gets me like that.”

You hesitate. Then, before you can think better of it, you mumble, “I get that.”

Oikawa looks at you. Something shifts between you. Not huge, not dramatic—but something.

You clear your throat, turning back to the screen. “The best part of this movie is the ending, anyway.”

He watches you for a second longer, then smiles slightly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you say, watching as Harry races through the streets on New Year’s Eve, heart in his throat, words spilling out in a desperate confession. “Because he realizes it’s real.”

Oikawa hums. “And you don’t think real love is like that?”

You hesitate. You really don’t want to answer that question, not right now. So instead, you shrug. “Like I said, it’s nice in movies.”

Oikawa doesn’t push. But as the credits roll, he glances at you one last time, something unreadable in his gaze. He’s not entirely convinced by your answer, and you both know it, even if he isn’t saying it aloud.

five.

Oikawa’s phone password is his own name, which is a fun fact you discover as your flight nears hour ten.

You don’t even mean to find out—really, you don’t. He dozes off halfway through Crazy Rich Asians, phone balanced precariously on his knee, screen still lit up from whatever mindless scrolling he’d been doing before sleep claimed him. He’s slumped in his seat, arms crossed, mouth slightly open in a way that would be embarrassing if he were anyone else. But he’s Oikawa, and people like him have a way of looking effortless even in sleep.

The moment the phone slips, it’s like slow motion. It free-falls, landing with a soft thud on the armrest between you. Oikawa startles awake, lashes fluttering, hands fumbling to catch it a second too late. His fingers curl around the device, flipping it over with bleary concern, only for the screen to glare back at him—locked.

And that’s when you see it.

You don’t mean to. It’s just…right there. The exact moment his fingers trace out the unlock pattern, it clicks into place, predictable in a way that makes you snort.

“Oikawa.”

He turns toward you, still shaking off the drowsiness. “Huh?”

“Your password,” you say, fighting a smirk. “You really chose Oikawa?”

He yawns, unbothered. “And?”

“And that’s… so predictable.”

He stretches, spine arching lazily before he slouches back down, as if the conversation itself is something he can’t be bothered to put effort into. “Predictable or genius? You tell me.”

“Predictable,” you say immediately. “What if someone tries to hack you? Your name is the first thing people would guess.”

Oikawa grins. “Exactly. It’s so obvious that no one would actually think I’d use it.”

You scoff, shaking your head. “I bet all your passwords are just variations of your own name.”

He makes a noise of vague offense, rubbing a hand over his face. “That’s an outrageous accusation,” he says, clearly lying.

You narrow your eyes. “Your Netflix account—Oikawa123.”

He lets out a small, amused breath. “No comment.”

“Instagram? KingOikawa.”

“Hey, now—”

“Banking password?” You pause, then shake your head. “No, don’t answer that. I don’t even want to know.”

He chuckles, tipping his head back against the seat. “You’re awfully interested in my passwords, aren’t you?”

You roll your eyes. “I’m interested in the fact that you’re a narcissist.”

“And yet,” he muses, smirking at you, “you’re the one paying so much attention to me.”

Your lips part, an immediate retort on the tip of your tongue—but nothing comes out. Because damn it, he’s right.

Somewhere between hour one and hour ten, between watching him cycle through romcoms and pretending not to care, between brushing shoulders and arguing about the best scene in 10 Things I Hate About You, between the countless small moments where his presence started feeling less like an inconvenience and more like something else entirely—you started paying attention. And he knows it.

You let out a slow breath and turn toward the window. “I hate you.”

Oikawa laughs softly. “No, you don’t.”

You don’t respond. You’re too tired to lie.

 ***

At hour eleven, your seat neighbor learns something about you, too. It’s not even because you tell him, but because he notices.

The plane has dimmed its lights, casting everything in muted shades of blue and gray. The hum of the engine is steady, a low vibration beneath your feet. Most of the passengers have settled into varying stages of half-sleep—some curled against their window seats, others with neck pillows wedged awkwardly under their chins.

You, on the other hand, remain awake.

You lean against the window, knees drawn up slightly, arms folded. Your gaze is unfocused, staring out at the endless stretch of dark, empty sky. Exhaustion clings to you, but sleep never comes easy—not on planes, not in cars, not anywhere that isn’t familiar.

Oikawa shifts beside you, the rustle of fabric breaking the silence. Then, softly, he asks, “you don’t sleep well on planes, do you?”

You blink, a little surprised. “What?”

He nods at you. “You’ve been sitting like that for a while now. You look exhausted, but you’re still awake.”

You hesitate, because he’s right. You’ve never been good at this—at shutting your brain off, at forcing comfort where it doesn’t exist. Your body stays tense, your thoughts wired for worst-case scenarios, always preparing for turbulence that might never come.

“It’s fine,” you say, voice quieter than before. “I’ll sleep when I land.”

Oikawa watches you for a moment, then, without a word, grabs his hoodie from his lap and balls it up into something vaguely pillow-shaped.

“Here,” he says, placing it between you.

You frown at it. “What?”

“You’ll be more comfortable,” he says simply. “Try it.”

Your gaze flickers to his, searching for the inevitable teasing remark, the smugness, the gotcha. But for once, it’s not there. Just an easy, offhanded kindness.

You swallow. “You don’t have to—”

“I know,” he says, cutting you off before you can argue. “Just take it.”

After a moment of hesitation, you do.

And when you finally let yourself lean into it, letting the exhaustion settle into your bones, you hear him murmur—softer, barely audible— “See? Told you I’d be good at this.”

Because you’re actually significantly more comfortable and way too tired to argue, you just snuggle into the fabric and ignore your thumping heart.

 ***

At hour twelve, you wake up to warmth.

It’s subtle at first, just a gradual shift from the hazy quiet of sleep to the soft awareness of something unfamiliar. You’re warm, comfortable in a way you shouldn’t be, your head still heavy with lingering exhaustion.

Then, slowly, the details start to register.

The weight pressed lightly against your shoulder. The faint scent of something clean and familiar—fabric softener, maybe, or whatever detergent Oikawa uses. The steady rise and fall of breath, slow and even.

Your pulse stutters.

He’s leaned into you, his head resting lightly against your shoulder, body angled just slightly in your direction. His breathing is deep and even, completely at ease. At some point in the last hour, he must have drifted off.

And instead of moving away—you stayed. Your brain short-circuits. You should move. You should definitely move. But you don’t.

Instead, you sit there, utterly still, heart pounding with something you don’t want to name. Because this—this—is not how Oikawa looks on TV.

The Oikawa you’ve seen in interviews is all sharp angles and practiced charm, leaning into the cameras with a knowing smirk, effortlessly collecting attention like it’s his birthright. The Oikawa on the court is even sharper—brilliant and untouchable, playing with a confidence that borders on arrogance, eyes burning with something that makes it impossible to look away. Even after a game, drenched in sweat and exhaustion, he still performs—laughing, winking at the reporters, throwing casual remarks over his shoulder like he knows the whole world is watching.

But right now?

Right now, he’s none of those things.

His expression is unguarded, free of the practiced ease he wears like armor. His brow is smooth, his lips parted slightly, his breathing soft and steady. There’s no smirk, no carefully placed bravado—just quiet, unconscious stillness.

And it unsettles you. Because this is real.

This is not Oikawa under stadium lights or Oikawa playing to the cameras. This is just him, asleep against your shoulder, completely unaware of the effect he’s having on you.

And maybe that’s what makes it worse.

You exhale slowly, careful not to move too much, not to wake him. Your gaze drifts downward before you can stop yourself, just enough to see the way his hand has fallen between you, palm up, fingers lightly curled. For a second, just a second, you have the insane urge to reach out.

You don’t. Of course, you don’t. But the thought lingers, settling somewhere deep in your chest, unwelcome and impossible to ignore.

You turn your head toward the window, watching the faint glow of city lights far below, hoping the view will quiet whatever this feeling is.

It doesn’t. And still—you don’t wake him.

For some reason, you let him stay.

six.

There’s approximately one hour left before your plane is due to land, and you’re beginning to realize that you don’t actually want it to end.

Maybe it’s the absurdity of the whole situation, or maybe it’s because of your sleep-deprived delusions, but you like Oikawa. You don’t want to—really, you don’t. It would be infinitely easier if he were just another stranger you made small talk with before forgetting the moment you stepped off the plane. But no. He had to be annoying and charming and stupidly perceptive. He had to watch romcoms like he actually gives a damn about them. He had to see through you, easily and effortlessly, as if he simply understood you.

And now, because the universe is cruel and loves to humiliate you personally, you’re sitting here in the final stretch of this flight, hyper-aware of every single second ticking down, not wanting it to be over.

Oikawa doesn’t seem to share your existential crisis. He’s been quiet for the last twenty minutes, scrolling lazily through his phone, one elbow propped against the armrest between you. Every so often, he glances up at the in-flight map, watching as the little airplane icon inches closer to Tokyo.

You hate that it makes your stomach sink.

You shift in your seat, pressing your temple against the cool window, staring out at the early morning sky. You wonder if this is how romcom characters feel in that inevitable third-act moment, when they realize they’ve accidentally gone and caught feelings. When they recognize, with dawning horror, that the person they were supposed to be indifferent to has somehow carved their way into their life.

The difference, of course, is that those characters always get a happy ending.

You don’t know what you get.

The PA system crackles overhead. A flight attendant reminds everyone to prepare for descent. Around you, there’s the familiar rustle of people adjusting in their seats, pulling out jackets, stretching the stiffness from their limbs.

Oikawa shifts beside you, adjusting his hoodie. “Almost there,” he murmurs.

You hum, noncommittal. You think he’s going to leave it at that, but then he glances at you, eyes sharp despite the sleep still clinging to his edges. He tilts his head slightly, like he’s studying you. “You okay?”

Your grip tightens on the armrest. He notices too much. You should’ve known that he would see it—the way you’re staring too long at the window, the way you haven’t snapped at him in a while.

You force yourself to scoff. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Oikawa smirks like he knows something you don’t. “No reason.”

You hate that. You hate how easy he makes it look, the whole watching-you-like-you’re-a-puzzle-he’s-figuring-out thing. You hate that part of you wants him to keep looking.

You exhale slowly, turning back toward the window. The seatbelt light dings on. The plane begins its slow descent, the city below coming into sharper focus.

It’s almost over.

 ***

Airports are supposed to be soulless places. That’s what you tell yourself, at least, as you walk through the terminal—bleary-eyed, exhausted, your carry-on digging into your shoulder. Your brain is already working on a plan: get your bag, get through customs, forget Oikawa Tooru exists.

That plan lasts approximately five seconds before you hear it.

A cheer. Loud, unmistakable, coming from somewhere near Arrivals. You glance over, along with half the airport, and that’s when you see them.

A couple, standing in the middle of the terminal like a goddamn movie scene. One of them—tall, dark-haired, a duffel slung over his shoulder—is staring at the other like he can’t quite believe she’s real. The girl—small, blonde, practically vibrating—throws her arms around his neck and kisses him so dramatically that the people around them actually applaud.

You blink. “What the fuck.”

Oikawa appears at your side, hands in his hoodie pockets, watching the scene unfold. You can feel him glance at you, the smirk already forming.

“Well,” he says, voice smug, “would you look at that.”

You roll your eyes. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“You know what.”

He hums, still watching the couple, who have now dissolved into an absolute mess of forehead kisses and whispered I missed yous. It’s excessive. It’s dramatic.

It’s also… kind of nice.

You hate that you think that.

Oikawa stretches, tilting his head toward you. “So?”

You frown. “So, what?”

His smirk widens. “Do you believe in it yet?”

Your heart does something stupid. Because the question—it’s not just a callback to your in-flight debate. It’s not just him poking fun at your skepticism. It’s softer than that. More curious. Hopeful, even.

Do you believe in grand gestures? Do you believe in love that doesn’t disappoint? Do you believe in something real?

The answer forms before you can stop it. 

“…I think I’m starting to.”

Oikawa stills. Just for a second. Then, slowly, his grin shifts into something real.

You exhale, turning back toward the baggage claim, but before you can walk away, something stops you. Maybe it’s the exhaustion. Maybe it’s the high of stepping off a fourteen-hour flight and still feeling wired.

Or maybe it’s just him.

Before you can second-guess yourself, you reach for his hoodie pocket.

Oikawa blinks. “Uh—”

You pull out his phone, type in his password, and create a new contact in his list. You quickly type in your number, and pause for a second, considering, then—just to be an ass—save your name as oikawa hater. Then you hand it back to him.

Oikawa takes it, glancing between you and the screen, lips curling into something almost incredulous.

“Wow,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m actually speechless.”

“A first for you, I’m sure.”

He huffs out a laugh, eyes flickering back to his phone. He stares at your contact name for a second too long, like he’s memorizing it. Like he wants to. And then he locks his screen, tucks it back into his hoodie, and glances at you—grinning, smug, a little bit victorious.

“So,” he muses, as the baggage carousel hums to life. “Do I get to keep my title as your Peter Kavinsky now?”

You roll your eyes, biting back a smile. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“You like me,” he says in a sing-song voice. “What happened to love only being good in movies?”

And maybe it’s just your imagination. Maybe it’s the jet lag, or the weird 6AM haze of existing between time zones. But as you step toward baggage claim, you swear—just for a second—Oikawa looks at you like the answer to that question might matter more than anything else.

Honestly, nothing is confirmed. He might never text you, or even if he does, who knows if you two would even make it past the first date. The world could end tomorrow, or he could completely forget about you, the way you thought he would. There’s always the chance that you’ll get hurt anyway. But he deserves to hear it. You, against all odds, want him to know.

So you turn, meet his eyes, and say, completely honestly, “Maybe you’re worth taking a chance on.”

⨭ closing; i wrote this instead of paying attention in my lecture lol i don't really know how i feel about this one yet but here's to hoping it'll grow on me when i'm not so tired from a long day of uni classes </3 let me know yalls thoughts but pls don't be mean :') thank u and love u all

[shimmernspice]

Contraindicated

pairing: college dealer Vi x college student reader

Description: Vi knows better than to get involved with customers - especially the pretty ones who get her tongue-tied and nervous.

Warnings: 18+, drugs (weed)

The party was already in full swing by the time Vi arrived, her shoulders tense beneath her as she weaved through the crowd. Vi hated these things. She wouldn't have shown up if it weren't for Jinx and Ekko dragging her out of their apartment.

These things were too loud with too many people - but it was also good for business. Quick deals in dim hallways, maybe saying hi to familiar faces, and then she would leave.

That was the plan anyways.

You leaned against the wooden railing of the porch, enjoying the way the smoke from your blunt curled into the dark. The back door creaked open and shut. You didn't bother looking up from your spot - just another person needing a break from the party. But when the new person made herself comfortable against the railing you finally glanced over.

She was tall, broad-shouldered, and wearing a tight jacket that did nothing to hide her muscles underneath. She exhaled slowly and rolled her shoulders like she was trying to shake something off.

You studied her for a moment, your gaze lingering a little too long on her face. Her eyes met yours before you could look away and a blush spread across your cheeks. So embarrassing you thought to yourself. Holding out your blunt, "Want a hit?"

She snorted, shaking her head. "Nah I'm good. Appreciate it though."

You gave her a small grin, "Trying to quit or something?"

"More like I've got better shit at home." Shooting you an amused but cautious look, "I deal."

That caught your attention. You hummed, weighing the information before taking another hit. "Good to know."

She let out a small laugh, shaking her head before replying. "You say that like you're gonna actually remember." You grin.

"I've been looking for a new dealer anyway. My guy has been upcharging me since I said no to a date."

Vi hesitated and against her judgment, held out her hand to you. "Vi," she said, introducing herself. Vi hated selling to people who weren't introduced by her customers, the risk of getting caught made her nervous. Hell, she had only known you for a couple of minutes and she was willing to throw her caution to the wind.

But Vi always had a weakness for pretty girls. And staring at you in the dim glow of the porch light shut her brain down.

She reaches into her pocket, pulls her phone out and offers it to you to put your number in. What am I doing? Stepping closer, she presses it into your free hand.

You come forward, taking the phone from her. Her fingers are rough against yours. You try to convince yourself that the electricity you felt was because you took one too many hits and not because of how nervous the hot redhead is making you feel. You slip your hand away from hers and Vi almost chases it. Gods, what Vi would do to feel your hand it hers again.

"Don't make me regret that," she murmured, low and serious.

Something in her tone sent a thrill down your spine. Not a warning exactly. But maybe a challange.

You smirked, typing your number into the phone. You hand her back the phone, leaning in closer than you already were. "No promises."

Before anything else could happen, Jinx burst through the door. A knowing and mischievous smile graces her face. "Don't let me ruin the moment guys." Her voice cuts the obviously thick tension between the two of you.

You offer Vi a smile before you disappear back into the house, the door clicking shut behind you.

Vi sighed, staring down at the phone that was in her grip.

The screen lit up. New Contact: Trouble❤️

Her jaw clenched. A chuckle escaped her lips as she turned off the phone and put it back in her pocket.

Yeah. She was in for it.

[gffa]

Guess who is full of blood and didn't get dizzy or extremely winded when going out to get the mail? THIS GAL. Why, I even was able to go up a flight of stairs and NOT immediately want to collapse into a sweaty, panting mess! In other words, the transfusion went well, it was mostly just boring and I went in loaded for bear (I brought three separate things to entertain me, plus snacks, plus lip balm, plus lotion, plus an extra pad because I'm still on my period, plus a bunch of other stuff) and really only read like five chapters of a webtoon the entire 4+ hours I was there. Sometimes I don't feel any different, I always felt okay when I was sitting or in bed, but boyyyyy could I tell a difference in just doing regular daily chores. Suddenly it wasn't too much work to get up and close the curtains. Suddenly it wasn't too much work to actually cut the meat for a dinner instead of just microwaving something. Suddenly it wasn't too much work to haul in my new computer table box from storage and start to unpack it. But also I need you guys to understand that sometimes I am deeply, truly ridiculous--so, okay, I had pretty thoroughly convinced myself that I couldn't be anemic because my symptoms were a little off and because I ate red meat every single day, there was no way I could be anemic with that much iron in me, etc. etc. I am someone who runs hot, I'm always hot even when everyone else is cold, so I've developed a strong fondness for cold drinks. When I still drank soda, I would put them in the back of the fridge right up against the coldest spot, so they would be starting to slush over and it was the greatest thing I have ever tasted. I love ice water, it's genuinely my favorite thing to drink, the colder the better. And oh my god ice, I will straight up eat ice because I'm so hot and it cools me down like nothing else. I've been like this for years, but I'm trying to cut back because even though I only eat the softer ones, I'm wary of what it's doing to my teeth, I've even had dreams about how wary I am. But I was like a fiend with those half-melted ice cubes, I would stare at my glass in the middle of the night, intending to just take a drink of water before going back to bed, but ohhhh just a couple of crunched up ice cubes would be so good on my throat, I'm so hot, that'll cool me down, they feel so good when they're in little pieces, and I couldn't stop myself. Cut to today, me after getting two transfusion units pumped into me, staring down at my water glass, no longer tempted to eat an entire glass of ice: ..............well, fuck. I KNEW THE DESIRE TO EAT ICE WAS A SIGN OF ANEMIA, I HAVE KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS, IT'S NOT EXACTLY AN UNKNOWN THING, but I 100% rationalized it away that I just liked cold drinks and I feel like a dumbass now because the absolute NEED to eat that glass of ice even when I was afraid of the damage it would do REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN. Anyway, nobody should ever think I'm not a ridiculous person, because I 100% am. 😂

[nuttersincorporated]

Scarecrow: So let me get this straight: a natural disaster carried you and your dog across the uncrossable desert. You and your house fell on top of Nessarose – one of the only independent leaders outside the wizard’s control – and now she’s dead. The people rejoiced because she’d become an intolerant religious extremist.

Dorothy: Yes. I feel really bad though. I didn’t mean to kill anyone!

Scarecrow: You didn’t kill anyone. She died because of the natural disaster. You were just there at the time. Anyway, then my ex-fiancée came down from the sky in a bubble.

Dorthy: You mean Glinda?

Scarecrow: Yes

Dorthy: Then yes. I didn’t know she used to be engaged to a scarecrow.

Scarecrow: I was actually a Winky Prince when we were engaged.

Dorthy: Oh

Scarecrow: Anyway, my ex implied that you might be evil because you aren’t beautiful enough to be obviously good. Then she put Nessarose’s shoes on your feet, told you not to take them off and sent you – on foot – to ask the wizard for help!?

Dorothy: Yes, that about covers it.

Scarecrow: -screaming internally-

Dorothy: Are you okay?

Scarecrow: Me!? I’m just fine! Why do you ask!? You know what? Maybe I should come with you so that you don’t die. Would that be okay!?

Later

The Tin Woodmen: So, you’re saying that the cripple I asked out – to impress Glinda – is dead and Glinda sent you to find the wizard?

Dorothy: I killed a disabled person!?

Scarecrow: Dorthy, we’ve been over this, you didn’t kill anyone. I promise none of this is your fault.

The Tin Woodmen: Who cares about that? Ding dong the bitch is dead! I might finally have a chance with Glinda! Dorthy, I’m coming with you!

Later still

Lion: I am terrified of everything but you say you’re going to see the wizard?

Dorothy: Yes

Lion: Talking animals used to be treated as equal citizens in Oz but now we have no rights at all. As I cub, I was taken from my mother, placed in a cage and kept away from other talking animals. They hoped it would stop me from learning to talk. I was rescued and set free but I grew up alone and without sort of socialisation or education.

Scarecrow: …

Lion: Anyway, I’m sure that if everyone says the wizard is good, then he must be. The mistreatment of animals is probably just a big misunderstanding. If I can have courage and talk to the wizard, I’m sure this whole thing will be sorted out.

Dorothy: Can we just stop for a minute? Will someone please, explain what’s going on? I feel like I’m missing a whole lot of contexts here.

Toto: Just so you know: in later books, in the official original L. Frank Baum Oz series, it will be reveal that all animals in Oz can talk. I just didn’t feel like talking in the first book.

While the Wicked book by Gregory Maguire covers a lot of interesting, important and deep topics; it was unrelentingly depressing and the narration showed little to no sympathy for the women who suffer horrible things.

The L. Frank Baum books – though by no means perfect – have a far more progressive Land of Oz than the one Gregory Maguire wrote about. If fact, Gregory Maguire took a world that had women in most of the important positions of power and turned it into a sexist, racist and patriarchal world.

I prefer Wicked the musical to Wicked the book because the musical brought the fun back.

Dorothy: Did you say something Toto?

Toto: Woof no woof, woof

I’ve seen so many people joke about Glinda being exhausted having to cope with plucky little Dorothy Gale doing her little song while the entirety of act ii of Wicked is occurring in the background. Like the crushing weight of her complicity in an evil system is dragging her to hell and also her fiancé is now a scarecrow and has run off with her situationship. But the act ii context is actually exponentially crazier for Dorothy? Like imagine you are a fifteen year old whose admittedly unambitious dreams of just leaving the farm are already rendered impossible because you are staring down the double barrel of unprecedented rural poverty and climate crisis. You get caught out in a natural disaster and accidentally kill someone and end up straight in the middle of the craziest six-way divorce anyone has ever heard of that is currently actively melting down. No one tells you this. And they’re all taking it out on you. Free her!!!!!!

[respectthepetty]

The Heart Killers' Colors? - Ep. 10

If you have been faithfully following my whatever-this-is-that-I-do-every-episode-of-this-show, you know I only trust Fadel because he is the only one who understands the color assignment. Nobody is as loyal to his color as that Black Brooder. His man was shot, and he is still more committed to murder than snuggling him. He has priorities.

Which is why I will take him wearing this dark blue because it's close enough to black for me while Bison is doing whatever a Red Rascal in love with a (Green) Guy does, like wearing his color.

Because green is Kant's color, right?

Or is it yellow?

WHY DO YOU HATE ME, KANT?!

I need to pause my meltdown to ask a question of these two color-coded brothers: They still killed that man, right? Those weren't fake pictures of him dead, no?

Mother worked for that man to kill people; then, she branched out on her own so that man was still bad, and I hope these two actually did kill him and didn't let him off with some fake death photos.

Because I trust that Black Brooder Fadel would still kill that man, but Red Rascal Bison is playing the same color games as his man wearing green and yellow throughout this episode, so I just don't know.

I doubt even Lilly fully believes it, and although Keen wear glasses, he can't see anything, so he probably doesn't know either.

But now the brothers are switching colors with Bison wearing black and Fadel wearing red, so I have no idea what is going on anymore!

And Kant is wearing blue with his bestie in green because the colors mean NOTHING to these men! Why must I suffer for liking colors?

I truly believe Style is a Red Rascal too, so this feels right with Fadel being lighter now that he has admitted he doesn't want to lose Style.

But these two just keep screwing me over this episode! Is this what love does to them? Makes them discombobulated?!

I'm rooting for Lilly to end them where they stand.

Especially Kant BECAUSE WHAT IS THIS BLUE ABOUT?!

It's okay. Style is in red, and Fadel is lighter. Everything will be okay.

Also, Keen is hot, so I'm going to be fine. The colors are apparently meaningless to Kant and Bison this episode, and I'm okay with that.

But I'm not okay finding out Liliana actually did have Fadel's boyfriend killed! I was hoping she had hired him to hurt Fadel, so Fadel wouldn't trust love and would stay with her forever.

And not only is she a sex trafficker,

SHE DOESN'T EVEN SEE BISON ON THAT GOLF COURSE! I thought she was a baddie, but now I see she is just bad. BOO, LILIANA! Golf? And poor eyesight?! Now, I, a person with proper glasses, see where Keen (and Bison) get it from.

The only man in this show who I trust is breaking down, and I am murderous about it.

I know, Fadel. She ain't shit, and you deserve the right to kill her. If not, let Style do it for you.

Since he is apparently hiding Keen's boyfriend in the trunk because they are in the same clothes on the bleachers as they were when they were at the love motel! I'd be pissed if I was Thanon in the fetal position in a tiny trunk while these two just hug it out.

But I see Fadel and Bison are back in their colors for the next episode, so hopefully, they are back to their hitmen ways and are about to kill Mother.

DAMN IT! I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WHITE MAN!

[cupidhoons]

it's weird how you aren't speaking out for the fact that you are using a zionist for your fics. shouldn't you be apologizing or at least acknowledging it? the lack of maturity you have 😭 girl just deleted it and didn't even apologize for it.

perfect timing actually anon! i have a whole post drafted on it in my google docs but i can assure you it's not me apologizing for defending myself against writers accusing me of such things. while i do acknowledge my mistake of not being educated enough on lana del rey and her practically begging the president to fund the genocide, i hope you guys do realize that equating me to being a zionist from this situation is just as insensitive and ignorant.

i urge you guys to read my side on this & understand why me and my two other mutuals are upset.

hi guys! as you all know (or assuming that many of you know) that recently i am being accused of supporting zionism/being called a zionist in general by multiple writers on tumblr. before i go on to defending and dropping screenshots of what actually happened & going on to explain my side of the story, let's take a look at the definition of zionism & why it is absolutely NOT okay to throw it around so lightly.

ZIONISM is not only the general term of supporting israel, but also the term that supports the national ethnic cleansing of palestine, which equates to killing all muslims. (defined by @pshbites or more known as kaia & her other muslim friends who grew up knowing that this is what this word meant.) 

READ ANOTHER DEFINITION FROM JEWISH VOICE FOR PEACE (LINK): “While it had many strains historically, the Zionism that took hold and stands today is a settler-colonial movement, establishing an apartheid state where Jews have more rights than others. Our own history teaches us how dangerous this can be.

Palestinian dispossession and occupation are by design. Zionism has meant profound trauma for generations, systematically separating Palestinians from their homes, land, and each other. Zionism, in practice, has resulted in massacres of Palestinian people, ancient villages and olive groves destroyed, families who live just a mile away from each other separated by checkpoints and walls, and children holding onto the keys of the homes from which their grandparents were forcibly exiled.”

i also urge you to check for more information on kaia’s blog & her personal take on this.

so, now that we know what it means & why it's such a loaded word, let's take a look at what the situation at hand looked/looks like:

the other day i posted a sunghoon fic titled “ultraviolence” inspired by lana del rey’s song (it's now changed to “pictures of us, which was my original title for the fic but thought it didn't quite fit the vibe). now, why is this a problem? because i'm apparently “promoting” an artist that begged the president to fund the genocide in gaza, when NOWHERE in my work stated that you should stream lana’s song, become a fan of her’s, and also support/fund a genocide. 

while i do admit that i handled the “anons” (and i put in quotes bc i know for a fact they were ppl who i knew sent them in) terribly and also explained my own personal thoughts and feelings on this topic badly, my words should not be twisted and blown out of proportion to the point where people can freely accuse me of being part of such a horrible and disgusting group of people.

however, that's only the general situation. the real problem for me was when yesterday morning at exactly 7:22am (this timestamp is important for what i'm about to say later on), okwonyos or better known as jiah, texted me, letting me know that she saw the way i responded to the anon & accused me of “actively supporting” someone who “begged the president to fund the killing of millions of children, women, and men of palestine.” (see screenshots below)

now, you guys may think that she's only doing what's right & willingly called out a mutual for not having her morals straight, but to be blankly accusing someone of being a zionist when i've been it clear that i stand with palestine & basically saying i'm stupid does not sit right with me. 

her saying that she “isn't going to try and make me gain common sense” was so off topic & so unnecessary to bring up & could've left it at me having my own take on separating the art from the artist, which to many people on blr, “does not exist.” but if separating the art from the artist does not exist, then shouldn't we boycott enhypen too? shouldn't we also stop writing and supporting enhypen too? because last time i checked enhypen, and along with many other groups/artists, are underneath zionist companies. so with that logic, should we just stop consuming content from enhypen and our favorite groups/artists all in all? because if we are going by this logic, then we’re ALL zionists and we are all PROMOTING zionism. 

another thing is when she says “it's weird that you barely talked about what was happening in palestine until it was to defend a zionist.” ??? defending a zionist WHERE exactly? i told the “anons” i received a day before this conversation that i am not a hardcore lana del rey fan, and again, nowhere did i say that i was defending lana & her actions of again, wanting the preseident to fund a genocide. keep in mind also, that she DOES NOT know me personally & that i was NEVER close to her nor did i EVER consider her a FRIEND, so she (along with other writers) has no right to accuse me of “not speaking up about palestine” enough. 

so the fact that im being known as a supporter killing innocent lives of people in the enhablr community when the fact is that i've spoken up about it numerous times in my personal life & have encouraged many people in my life to donate and spread the daily click all because i don't “reblog enough” about it sits weird to me. not only that, but it also gives me the vibe that many writers on tumblr—weather it's true or not—thinks of this genocide as a trend and does it as “preformative activism” for the sake of not wanting to lose followers. (kaia’s post touches more on this too)

now obviously, i did reply to her message and did go back and forth with her for some time while i was present in school. me, being offended & GREATLY angered by her choice of words & going as far as associating me with such people, rightfully called her out on it & brought up the fact that her saying that isn't “cute” or right at all. but clearly, this was all read wrong & i wasnt able to explain or expand on it properly because i was simultaneously also in my homeroom speaking with my friends! 

and i know, someone is going to bring up the fact that i shouldn't have responded immediately or that i could've responded later in my day, but keep in mind that if i didnt, i probably would've been blocked anyway without getting the chance to explain myself properly. i cant help but feel that they messaged me purposefully during that time because they know i would be defenseless either way. 

im going to tell it straight now and say that i know i am in the wrong for not being able to explain myself properly & not touching on these points more in the moment, but i had absolutely NO time throughout the day to explain myself as i was blocked almost immediately by everyone, which says a lot, especially when one of the mutuals who blocked me right after that conversation was close to me & who i even considered my friend. 

besides that however, i will say this once more & once again that i am NOT what numerous people on tumblr think i am & none of you guys know me at all personally either. you guys can believe what you want about this situation, but i urge you all to get to know both sides at the very least before following what bigger writers say. im not doing this to maintain my following or even gain more followers, i just don't appreciate people calling & associating me with a group of people that i am so against. i don't at all appreciate people assuming they know me and my character all so well when absolutely none of them have ever bothered to reach out to me and even get to know me. 

but yes anon, go ahead and tell me how immature i am & say it with your full chest how i am a zionist for simply using a popular song that everyone has heard one way or another as my title on my fic!

[dross-the-fish]

Love Never Dies- Thoughts and Reactions

This might end up being split into multiple parts but I am not finished talking about Love Never Dies. I did give it a rewatch to refresh myself and...oof. This play needs to be taken out back and shot because that is what it did to every single character in it. NO ONE looks good. Not even Christine. Let's start there. Let's talk about what this show does with Christine because we have completely reduced this character to nothing but her voice. What does Erik miss about Christine after ten years of pining? Her voice. He just wants her to sing for him one more time. The only thing he ever really mentions about Christine is her voice. Though I can't really fault him because if we're being serious about Christine's character...

What does she have outside of her voice? Nothing. Somehow LND Christine has even less personality than she did in the OG musical. She is a cardboard angel that other people pine over, try to control, or envy. She has almost no agency. I said before, I suspect that Andrew Lloyd Webber hates women and Christine does not come out of that unscathed. She spends pretty much all of the musical being bullied by Raoul, mothering Gustave, or being threatened by Erik when he and she aren't reminiscing about that one time they banged 10 years ago. Seriously what even the fuck was "Beneath a Moonless Sky?" For a song about how two characters couldn't resist each other neither of them seem particularly filled with desire. Christine is recoiling in horror and disbelief and Erik looks like a 15 year old who thinks sniffing his crush's hair is peak sensuality.

Mmmm....sexy. But whatever. Christine says at the end of the song she woke up to swear her love and was ready to dump Raoul but Erik had skedaddled so she ran back to Raoul. You read that right. Christine was going to pick Erik after they banged it out and he left and that is the only reason Christine is with Raoul. Seriously Andy? You're going to make her regret picking Raoul over Erik when she didn't even actually DO that? Erik made the choice for her?

*internal screaming* Erik, seriously, how are you going to be upset that she's moved on with Raoul if YOU left HER? Do you really think you have the right to coerce her to sing for you one more time when you were the one who broke it off? The hell is wrong with you? Of course when Christine resists he immediately goes to threatening her child.

When I say Erik is the WORST I mean it. He is reprehensible in this.

But this is about Christine. We'll get to Erik later. LND Erik deserves his own post.

There's honestly not much more to write about Christine. She spends a lot of time cowering from or trying to appease Raoul. She worries about her son and her death is honestly so unwarranted. When I say ALW's work has an undercurrent of meanspiritedness I mean shit like this. Christine hasn't really done anything wrong. I guess she cheated on Raoul 10 years ago? But well she was going to leave him and only stayed because her first option bailed on her? She didn't do anything to Meg. She's been living 10 years in an abusive marriage and her crazy ex who kidnapped her came back to threaten her kid and coerce her to sing his music one more time. Then she just...gets shot. She dies. It adds nothing to the story that she dies. It doesn't feel earned or justified in anyway. It just feels miserable for misery's sake. It's almost unceremonious the way they ax her off because it's not even intentional. Meg misfires the gun because Erik fucks up in trying to talk her down. Christine's death isn't even about Christine herself. It's about Meg and Erik. It's such a useless and stupid death to give this character. How old even is she? Supposedly she's around 18-20 in the original musical (we're ignoring the 2004 movie that puts her at 16) and this is 10 years later? She's barely 30 but she ends up a casualty to everyone else's vanity, jealousy, and selfishness. I feel like we're supposed to find it tragic but it doesn't hit. It's a meaningless and undignified end to a character that was given no agency over her own life or her death.

[thehalfling]

I'll be keeping my responses under the cut as to not occupy much screen space.

1. Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

I belong to categories such as fictionfolk, otherkind, otherhearted, among other more more specific labels.

2. What/Who are your 'types?

I have multiple 'types, some are from past lives: two which could be categorized as fictotypes, three possible kardiatypes, one questioning. The elven people are my only hearttype. I have also experienced many flickertypes through the years. I am currently open in this space regarding mostly my life in Arda, which includes my experiences as elfinhearted.

3. Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift?

Yes. My most common and present shifts are mental ones, to the point where I wonder if they are shifts at all, since it feels like what some would call being “permashifted”, although I wouldn't call them permanent, just long-term, but it almost always feels like I am in a shift, what changes is the source. My strangest—not so strange at all, actually—cameo shift happened after watching multiple vocalization videos and trying to replicate the sounds, for the next few minutes after I stopped, my perception felt more “feral”. I don't know what sort of creature this shift was related to, but I remember being more sensorially sensitive, while also having an internal feeling of becoming less humanoid.

4. How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

I try to connect myself further with my past by doing things I enjoyed doing, like reading, studying, researching, singing, dancing, cooking, baking, and taking my time to enjoy the little and big things in nature. Besides it all just naturally making me happy, I do so in effort to reawaken memories of a long gone time. I also like writing down my feelings regarding such things. As much as I struggle with it, writing helps me retain what I reminisce about and it is also a great source of connection. As I have mentioned whilst answering the previous question, shifts are also part of my alterhuman experience. I experience mental, envisage, phantom, dream, and cameo shifts. I feel like my alterhumanity also affects my academic and professional life in a way that unfortunately tends towards the negative, due to the fact of not being familiar with the demands and pressures of human society as it currently is. It all feels very interwoven with my current life to a point where sometimes I even struggle to tell what belongs to this and to other lives. Although not necessarily correlated to any part of my alterhumanity, I enjoy both voluntarily and involuntarily imitating non-human animals.

5. What do you think of the community?

As any other community, there are its upsides and downsides. Unfortunately, there are folks who spread misinformation, exclusionism, invalidation, drama, and mistreatment. On a high note, I do appreciate the fact that we are a community without hierarchy, and how diverse we are. It's always a joy to either discover new perspectives or meet someone who shares a similar view to yours. I personally hold great admiration for members who participate in research, publish elaborate writings—regardless if on their personal experiences or the general community—and surveys, organize events and projects, and create new spaces and platforms. I hope to—someday—be able to contribute to our community at least half as much as they do.

6. What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

Most of what I have mentioned in my response to the fourth question are things that bring me comfort and euphoria. Being recognized as a hobbit and being called by any of my names, nicknames, titles, and such are also some sources of great euphoria.

7. Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

I personally deal with little to no species dysphoria probably due to the similarities between Hobbits and—other—Men. In this life, I've always felt euphoria regarding being smaller than many, and being part Fallohide is something that might contribute to me not feeling dysphoria regarding my height, although I miss it just as much as any other aspect of my past appearance. What comes closer to dysphoria is the feeling I have regarding my current lack of pointed ears and furry feet with hard soles, especially since those are the features for which I tend to experience phantom shifts.

8. What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

I think the advice would depend on who is being advised. Keeping it broad though: Don't push or rush yourself. Whether you feel like jumping into labels or taking all the time in the word to figure it out, do it for yourself. When it comes to your own experiences and identity, don't force yourself into being an imitation of folks you admire, or being what others want you to be or what you think they would like you to be. I know it can be frustrating, but don't be afraid of being wrong and of admitting it, be sincere with yourself. You have an entire life—and if you believe, others as well—to enjoy who you are, even if you don't yet know who that is.

9. Do you have/want to have gears?

I don't currently have any gear. I plan on purchasing some Hobbit silicone ears and clothes similar to those I used to wear, including a cloak of Lórien. I would also really like to look into acquiring a replica prop of the Red Book of Westmarch, another of the key to Bag End, and one of Sting—if Wētā Workshop ever makes it again, which I doubt. Maybe Bilbo's pipe as well… I have to stop listing or I might not stop. There are probably many other things that I could get my hands on that would be both nostalgic and euphoric to have. Additionally, I've had my eyes on some clothes related to another life of mine for a few years now.

10. Do you know about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us!

Yes, my alterhumanity has its origins in reincarnation and it involves the multiverse. My past lives feel as much part of my existence as my childhood, my teenage years, who I was yesterday, and who I am today. As it is with my childhood, some lives do not feel like me anymore, in which I barely recognize myself, but they are indeed a time I have lived. As it is with me today, other lives feel like who I am right now and was a few years ago, but it's been millennia instead and it is still just as intrinsic as my present. Regardless of my current connection to each life, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. To include experiences beyond past lives, my experience with what are called flickertypes is also spiritual, and it involves a temporary connection with another soul, similar—though not the same—to a walk-in, where I feel more attuned with that being's feelings and might even get a glimpse of their own memories to the point of confusing them with myself, it only lasts at least a few minutes and at most a few months.

11. Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!

Anyone who hasn't answered this and wants to.

If you are an alter/nonhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[drdemonprince]

I have a lifelong hypnokink but for years and years I completely hid it and only engaged through checking the what's new page on the mcstories.com every week and other forms of porn. I have been slowly opening up about it over the last few years and reached out to other people who are into it and I also now have an interested and supportive partner who is starting to explore hypnotic play with me.

I am at the point where I talk pretty openly and earnestly about this with them now (I used to have to really veil it in layers of detached irony and jokes) and we have engaged in roleplay around it which has been very fun, but when we try to engage in actual hypnotic sessions where they try to hypnotise me (even nonsexually) I get these massive waves of shame bubbling up and start crying.

There's a lot of tangled feelings and I don't know how to separate them all out. At least part of it is just feeling ridiculous and stupid for wanting this. And also that I am making them do something weird and awful and gross. This is mixed up with feelings about my own performance as a subject—I am in my own head a lot and constantly second guessing what I'm doing and experiencing and find it difficult to know how to engage with hypnotic suggestions.

The first time we tried I broke down into a sobbing mess before we even started. It has been getting better and my partner has been incredibly sweet and supportive and helped me feel very safe as we make progress on this, but they are also pretty new to all this and I was wondering if you had any advice or insight that might help?

Hi there Anon, I am answering this question on voice to text because it really touched my heart and I wanted to get to it and give it attention right away even though my hands are still pretty busted and it's been a long day. so please excuse any typos or weird homophonic errors.

like you, I was consumed with shame about my hypnosis fetish for a very long time. I knew since I was a very young child that hypnosis called to me, and fantasized about it in a deeply sexual way from very young, but I never said a word about it to another person until my late twenties. and even then it was a pretty fleeting, glancing thing. I found it a lot easier to play online with remote partners than to tell someone that I was in a intimate real-life relationship with. I also retreated into fantasy a lot, never believing that it would be possible for me to share in the kink with another person in a genuine way.

eventually I did meet some really wonderful play partners and Doms who helped me to realize I wasn't alone in harboring this fetish, and really populated my inner world and mental architecture to make me a better subject who was more capable of experiencing pleasure and transformation in hypnosis. but without that good fortune and their mentorship I don't know where I'd be.

One thing that I would recommend to you is locating the hypnosis fetish community and plugging yourself and your partner into it a bit more. there are both in person and digital conferences throughout the world for hypnosis fetishists. The kink's stock is up in a major way, especially thanks to the widespread popularity of pup play and bimbo play that incorporates hypnotic elements. if you are in a major city or on one of the American coasts, there are hypnosis oriented events and groups available to you. I even know of hypnosis fetish groups in relatively small towns like Winnipeg that are thriving and filled with other people.

I think both you and your partner will learn a lot technically about enjoying hypnosis scenes well, and that you'll rid yourself of a lot more of your remaining shame if you can take in some of their resources and really be in community with people who get this desire. hypnosis is a skill that requires a lot of time to develop, and there's really no ceiling to the amount of skill a person can get in it. both being a hypnotist and a subject are really intensive discrete skills, and knowing other people who are honing those skills will really help you and impart you some tips and tricks that could really spare you a lot of pain and give you some new ideas for how to have fun together.

as for the shame and crying freak outs that you are experiencing, it sounds like you are having an abreaction, which is a pretty common form of emotional spillage following an intense hypnotic event. these reactions can happen when we get triggered or a nerve gets struck, but also sometimes they emerge just because we've really plunged into emotional depths or a dark headspace and our brain is freaked out by it and trying to draw us back up.

letting a person into your mind is really intimate and revealing, and when you are embarrassed or ashamed of even wanting that degree of revealment, there are a lot of emotional explosions that can occur. continue to move through this and process it with your partner. if they are enjoying exploring this kink with you, they probably find a lot of value in getting to explore your mind and learn how you react to things, and a lot of intimacy can be built through examining strong reactions and processing freak outs together.

I know that it is hard to believe, but you are not inconveniencing your partner, or putting them out, or failing to make the most of their supposed generosity by not always having an easy and an enthusiastic response to them engaging in hypnosis play with you. these disturbed intense reactions are part of the work, and potentially it can take you to new places together, if you let it.

I think you should probably also continue to explore your own hypnotic capacity on your own, watching spirals, listening to hypnotic audio files, meditating, writing mantras in a notebook or on a website such as Write for Me, and learning carefully how to bring yourself down into a trance, as well as how to bring yourself out. if you haven't yet, you and your partner should read books on hypnotic techniques and safeties; Mark Wiseman and sleepinggirl's books are probably the best place to start.

One of the things I was really fortunate to experience early on was having a Dom who installed safeties into my mind that force me to articulate when I am feeling unsafe and bring myself out of a trance automatically regardless of whatever the hypnotist is doing or if there's even another person there. I really believe that every hypnotic subject should have these kinds of safeties put in place early on and have them reinforced regularly so that they are ultimately able to pull the rip cord on any suggestion or mental state that is damaging to them.

beyond that, I'd say just keep working at it. if anything, these strong emotions that you're having are a demonstration of how powerful and significant this kind of stuff can be. hypnosis is heady fucking stuff. and that's part of what's so hot and enchanting about it. this stuff is real. it's a level of profound control and knowledge that you're giving over to a partner when you do this stuff, and that alone can be incredibly rewarding to them, even if they didn't have a hypnosis kink before they met you. what you are doing is not silly or disgusting, nor is it a waste of a partner's time. It is a beautiful, really really intimate gift. really. a lot of new people have gotten into hypnosis in the last few years because it is such a flexible and vulnerable kink that really pushes a lot of sexual and emotional buttons. any partner who shares in this activity with you is lucky to get to do so, you have nothing to apologize for or feel ashamed about. I hope you have a really enriching time with this. this is a very special part of you and a very special way to connect. I hope you can enjoy it for all that it is, even in its darker and scarier moments.

[lu-is-not-ok]

Could you elaborate why you think Big and Might/Will be Bad Wolf is more fitting for Hong Lu than Heath? Cus it's story of being forced to only be the villain because of *what* it is is pretty much exactly Heathcliff's experience with WH mistreating him because of his Backstreet origin and his subsequent lashing out thats attriubted solely to his 'nature' (not to mention his canonical wolf Distortion, and being called the Wolf in the Wildhunt world, and dogs/wolves being a strong association to him in his source), so I'm very curious.

Heathcliff screams dogs/wolves to me more than any one else by a longshot, for the above reasons.

I am so glad you asked, because this is something I've been wanting an excuse to yap about ever since I posted that art!

Big and Will be Bad Wolf is an Abnormality which, while straightforward on the surface, has a lot of interesting nuanced subtleties to it that are the main reason why I assign it the way I do.

The gist of the Abnormality is that it's an initially cute and even kind wolf who is "destined" to become the Big Bad Wolf, becoming the villain of another story, simply because of the way it was born. It was fated to be hungry, unable to fill its stomach enough to feel sated. Fated to be alone, to be hurt as the one who becomes an example and gets punished.

If we were to stop here, then sure, Heathcliff could reasonably fit the themes here. He's forced into being a villain purely because of his birth, forced into a destiny that makes him unfulfilled, dehumanized, and unfairly punished.

However, it's when you get to the subtleties that Heathcliff begins to clash severely with what Big and Will be Bad Wolf is actually about.

First of all, and most notable when you look at the Wolf's flavor text in Ruina, is its complete resignation and acceptance of its role. The Wolf doesn't fight against its destiny, it doesn't try to change, but rather the opposite. It's fully resigned to the fact it will be hurt, be called by no name, and have to hurt others, to the point where it slowly stops caring about anything other than its own hunger.

This is, if you know anything about our Heathcliff, in complete contrast to everything his character stands for. Heathcliff's entire character arc is about him rejecting that very role being forced upon him. He has the resolve to prove that he's just as human and just as worthy of respect as everyone else. And he refuses to stop fighting for that right to be recognised as a person at all cost.

The second nuance I'd like to bring up is one that already has been mentioned here and there, that being the overwhelming hunger the Wolf feels which is what causes it to lash out. Just like the previous theme, it's primarily seen in Ruina, though in this case more so in the Floor Realization for the Floor of Language and how it relates to Roland. The Wolf, similarly to Roland, has a void within it that it cannot fill no matter how much meat it eats, how much violence it commits.

Again, despite all the memes the fandom might make about Heathcliff Black Silence, he's really nothing like Roland in this department at all. In a way, Heathcliff is almost too full, his being so focused on Catherine he has barely any space to be concerned with anything else. Even after her death, he refuses to give up on her, despite how impossible his chances at getting her back may be. There is no void to fill with meaningless violence, but rather a direct purpose to strive towards.

So, that's what I have on why Heathcliff, despite how he may seem fitting for it on the surface, is actually deeply opposed to everything Big and Will be Bad Wolf stands for on a thematic level.

Here's where the fun part begins though. Because if not Heathcliff, then why Hong Lu, right?

See, we already know from the fact that Hong Lu has Rose Hunter E.G.O that he too has a certain role he's destined to fulfill, one that he finds undesireable but also one that he can't truly escape from.

I believe that in the case of Hong Lu, the role of the Wolf would be representing his birth status as a Jia. Think about it. Everything we've seen of the Jias show them as hostile at best and extremely violent and downright villainous at worst. If Hong Lu has any similarities in status to Baoyu, that being that he's a sort of "chosen" Heir to the Family, then that means his role as yet another perpetrator of the Jias' violent ways is all but predestined.

You can even say that Hong Lu has a notable parallel to how Big and Will be Bad Wolf presents itself, that of course being kind and cute on the surface, but repressing a deeply unfulfilled and violent side with what little resolve it may have left.

And speaking of resolve, this is where Hong Lu matches the Wolf much closely than Heathcliff. There is a constant thematic thread of hopelessness and meaninglessness in Hong Lu's character. Even if he might have run away for now, the way he speaks about meeting his Family again makes it clear he doesn't believe it will last. There's a notable resignation and acceptance of the fact that no matter what he does, he will be dragged back to his Family and stripped of the name he gave himself. Born a Jia, always a Jia, you could even say.

Unlike Heathcliff, who constantly fights back to assert his existence as a person who deserves equal respect, Hong Lu simply lies down and takes everything thrown his way. The Wolf is an inherently Slothful figure, a trait which matches Hong Lu far better than Heathcliff.

Hell, Hong Lu even shares a specific sentiment about that with the Wolf. In Ruina, one of the Wolf's possible flavor text quotes is "There’s no need to be nice to me… I’m destined to be a big bad wolf…" Doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that seem so similar to how Hong Lu expressed that he understood why his Family members wanted to kill him, and thus didn't bother to fight back?

Then, of course, we come back to hunger. And here I have to get a little bit more speculative, but not as much as you would think. See, I believe Hong Lu is much more similar to Roland in this case than Heathcliff. Everything points to the fact that Daiyu is not only dead, but left behind a void in Baoyu/Hong Lu, one that he tries to ignore but one which clearly taunts him into snapping and falling into that "meaningless wrath".

If you're wondering what exactly I mean, I go way more in depth about Hong Lu's repressed anger and how Daiyu's death appears to be what causes it to leak out in this post. However, to summarize how it ties back to Roland and the Wolf, I believe that just like for Roland, the void left behind Daiyu's death is what ends up causing Hong Lu to lash out and will eventually drive him to outright meaningless violence. An attempt to fill one's life with anything after their meaning was taken away from them. Which is exactly what the Wolf reflects through its endless hunger, unable to be satisfied no matter how much it eats and kills.

Honestly, Hong Lu is kind of a sleeper pick for Cobalt Scar with just how much he fits it. I'd almost say it's shocking that I've only seen like one other person similarly assign it to him, but it's really not. Hong Lu is one of those characters that repeatedly gets sanded down due to how he presents himself, with his more worrying and violent tendencies being ignored in favor of falling for his facade. After all, one has to first accept the fact that Hong Lu not only has a capacity for violence, but even the potential to outright enjoy it, to be able to see the reasoning for Cobalt Scar as an E.G.O for him.

[bunnyshideawayy]

telling cis women we’re “fragile” because we want to be CALLED women is the same thing telling women who don’t want their man cheating on them that they’re “insecure”.

i like to think myself a progressive person.

i’ve NEVER had an issue with trans and non binary people, people who want to identify as something non human all together, and yes i recognize the small but still very real number of intersex people- however the line has to be drawn somewhere and the line for me is when it goes from how a single person wants to address themselves to thinking it’s okay to relabel a specific group of people to be more broad and therefor “inclusive”. as a cis woman i’m not going to call myself a “birthing person” or “person with vagina” to make someone else more comfortable or to make others feel more included. i am a woman, period.

womanhood is something that has historically, been the only thing that is constantly stripped from women and redefined based on how society perceives women themselves.

in this society you will be hung on a WALL for misgendering someone, on purpose or not, but when cis women say we want to be acknowledged for what we are - women - we are gaslit and told that womanhood is not defined by things that make up a woman: biological sex, the ability to birth and carry babies, all the inherently feminine qualities that women possess, and therefore we should use terms that include “ALL PEOPLE”. we literally get misidentified on purpose to make others, some of which are not women and have never been women, more comfortable.

“well what about trans men! they can get pregnant!!” okay? what about trans men? last i checked even if they still have their female reproductive system they, as people who now identify as men, probably aren’t setting out to get pregnant. trans men, non bionary persons, and intersex persons should be the only exception to rule meaning THEY should be referred to a “pregnant/birthing person”- not that “pregnant/birthing person” should be a normal way to address someone while “pregnant women” is the exception.

“well what about teens/kids? they aren’t women” i fear that pregnant children shouldn’t be apart of this conversation at all. its actually disgusting to me that yall (the people ive seen use this argument) would even use kids who have most likely been abused as a “gotcha!” talking point. how about call them what they are, too, *pregnant children*. then we can have a conversation about why and how they ended up as PREGNANT CHILDREN.

now let’s get into the inherent misogyny that comes along with essentially telling cis women to suck it up and make room in their womanhood for people who aren’t women. “my womanhood isn’t defined by my ability to have kids or what’s between my legs” expect motherhood and womanhood are inherently connected. to deny one means to deny the other, you literally cannot have one without the other, so striping the womanhood out of motherhood and telling women they can’t define themselves by what they are biologically made to do is by definition- misogynistic. 98% of the time if you’re born with a vagina and uterus you are a woman, a female, biologically your sex is that of XX. (and if you’re a woman who doesn’t want kids that’s cool, too, but you still have to acknowledge that womanhood and motherhood go hand in hand.) and telling women who have to fight for any resemblance of a safe space that they must shove over to make room in their safe spaces for people who are not, or do not identify as, women is inherently misogynistic. dehumanizing and degrading women who have told you time and again that they WANT to be called women- not “person with a womb” not “pregnant person” not “female presenting person” is inherently misogynistic (and a little hypocritical as i’ve already stated you’d be hung on the wall for misgendering a trans person- why is the same respect not given to cis women? misogyny.)

now i want to end this rant by saying i understand that there is a slippery slope. i understand this includes some while excluding others, and i could get into the statistics and biology that comes along with it but that’s not what i want to do. because i recognize just like how one side is taken to far in the name of inclusion and progression, the other side can take being exclusionary to far such as cis women being mistaken for trans women and harassed for that assumption. because i also understand womanhood and how a woman acts, looks, thinks, etc is not solely defined by what is traditionally considered feminine or “womanly”. but i would also be delusional if i sat here and told you i was okay with being disregarded as a woman just because society is attempting to rewrite what a woman is to fit a more inclusive ideology. and i dont mean inclusive as in including woc, or disenfranchised woman, or any other women who don’t fit the norm.

if you want to call yourself a damn bird then that’s cool, and i will make sure i refer to you properly, but women as a whole aren’t birds and shouldn’t be referred to as such. its not fragile to say i am a woman and want to be acknowledged as such.

anyway rant over and all of this is to say i wish people and more specifically women on the left would actually care about women as a whole and our issues like they claim they do instead of arguing over wither we should even be called women! the usa is literally facing a national abortion ban (with some states offering the death penalty to women who get one) that will put thousands at risk or will even kill thousands but the left is on twitter arguing if the bill should say “women” or “birthing people”. while femicide, familicide, and rape is on the rise globally the left and right both are finding new ways to pin the blame on women, ironically the only time the left will use the term “women”. if anything this has reinforced that women who take pride in being a woman, refusing to conform or be quit or stay out of the way or make room, will always be a target. the moment we speak out we are crazy, insecure, fragile, jealous, argumentative, whatever else.

[tryingahandinholdingapen]

ohhhhh okay them living together at the time makes sense! also oh god thats even worse than I thought it would be with Izuna accusing Madara of homophobia nfksnfj I for some reason was assuming that was an accusation made like, in private when it was just the four of them until Tobirama went to the bathroom or something but. He would pull a hundred random bystanders into his drama just to manipulate things into getting what he wants, wouldn't he? Random strangers feeling intensely uncomfortable as Izuna starts up this dramatic wailing accusation in like, the busy town centre right at lunch time on a weekend (so it's REALLY busy) or something,,,

Excellent ideas I approve he would do that. I think it would be really funny if both parties slightly failed at Izuna's mandates at first though,,,for example Tobirama getting into uncomfortable situations because he walked into Izuna having an intense argument with someone, only for Izuna to pull the "Tobirama agrees with me, RIGHT TOBIRAMA?" and unbeknownst to Tobirama he is now going to be arguing the exact opposite side of the same argument he had with this same person like, less than 48 hours ago, because apparently Izuna's opinion differs to his own. So that's intensely awkward for Tobirama and he's not sure what to do about it; he's now having to attempt to escape being cornered/interrogated by this third party who has Questions about his abrupt turn around and ahhhhh. Izuna meanwhile imposed the "hourly check-in texts when you're not with me" rule only to be incredibly unsatisfied with it at first because I bet he didn't adequately specify the kind of information he wanted Tobirama to provide him with in said texts, and Tobirama has no idea what he wants so probably for a while Izuna gets either really bizarre texts or texts that he considers to be completely insufficient ("this is tobirama. I am alive and well. I am still not at your side unfortunately. this concludes my hourly check-in-")

okay the thing about the nudes makes me think like does Izuna reach that point and then more or less stay at that level of insanity, or does he keep escalating? and if he does keep escalating to eventually the point of actual sex/dates? etc at what point does he stop insisting "this is normal for besties" and have to switch tactics to somehow cement Tobirama as his boyfriend (or whatever title Izuna deems will most get him what he wants whilst also vitally ensuring Tobirama does not do anything similar with any other friends he may (admittedly unrealistically) acquire at any point)?

ALTERNATIVELY. Alternatively. Maybe Tobirama (...unknowingly? who can say) escalates things himself because usually when Izuna demands nudes it's, yk, via text when they aren't together at the time, so Tobirama just strips off in his bedroom or whatever when he next gets an opportunity, fulfills Izuna's latest increasingly specific demands, takes a pic and texts it over. BUT at some point (maybe because Tobirama's phone ran out of battery, and he's just now checking it after having charged it properly) he only receives the text demanding nudes whilst actually in the room with Izuna. And nobody else is there, they're in private, and leaving or waiting to be alone in his own bedroom to fulfill Izuna's demand when the man is RIGHT THERE seems stupid and inefficient so instead Tobirama checks his phone, thinks about it for approximately thirty seconds, and then stands up to start discarding his clothes and Izuna is like WOAH woah what's happening here okay suddenly I have a naked Tobirama in my room. Okay. And Tobirama goes if you want a photo you might as well take it yourself since you're here, it would be easier and likely come out better. And Izuna goes uh huh uh huh that's true...you have a point to ensure they come out better maybe you should allow me to take every photo of you from now on? And Tobirama is like yeah okay that seems logical

His litmus on 'normal friendship behaviour' is extremely far off you are right. The idea that it took until the nudes for Tobirama to realise maybe this wasn't normal absolutely makes sense for him Tobirama would just roll with it up to that point,,,but it also makes me wonder if Tobirama attempts to apply any of his 'newly learned normal behaviours' to attempting to med his only other notable relationship, i.e. his brother, which could potentially get very interesting/complicated very fast, especially depending on how specifically Izuna was acting abt the physical touch assumptions or if any form of dirty talk adjacent stuff happened prior to demands of nudes. That could cause everything to go up in flames! Bewildered and horrified Hashirama trying to figure out who corrupted his baby brother and made him think this kind of shit was normal, Izuna frantically trying to do damage control to avoid Tobirama being taken from him

(-alternatively Hashirama being into it actually which would make things complicated in a whole different way-)

(feel free to ignore that bit if you want)

UM alternatively did Izuna forsee the possibility of 'okay Tobirama has no idea what's normal except what I tell him, and he interacts with approximately nobody who could correct him, which is excellent for me, but I should probably proactively ensure the One Person he sometimes interacts with who Might correct him...doesn't' and so has to do some 'yes this is normal but ONLY AROUND ME' gymnastics

'Madara has faith in Izuna as a person (a mistake)' <- I think this is an absolutely vital, defining part of the relationship between the Uchiha brothers and if you can't accurately apply this to your depiction of them perhaps you should reconsider your characterisation of them (I am half joking but only half)

Very funny to me that Hashirama (oblivious) is happy, and Izuna (getting everything he wants) is happy, and Tobirama (getting a friend and (mostly) unbothered by the weirdness) is happy, meanwhile Madara is having a complete breakdown about his poor baby brother's safety. Poor Madara he's the only one not having a good time in this au cidbjfnf

okay so from an outside perspective people may notice some of the weirdness (Tobirama suddenly spending all his time with Izuna and always backing up Izuna even when it means contradicting himself) but that is probably more or less excused as like, understandable intensity/attachment to His One Friend The First Ever. As long as you never get hold of their phones and see their messaging history, it's excusable, pretty much. Except now I desperately want to know how Madara would react if he DID get a hold of their messaging history lmao

everything about this is so so so so good. thank you for answering all my questions!!! ...sorry for immediately flinging more at you whoops

modern au where izuna is in a tragic accident and it puts him in a coma and tobirama is like sweet, a way to practice friendship. because tobirama has absolutely zero friends except his brother, who's been pissed at him for over a year. so- he needs the practice.

so every day he goes in to visit and he changes out the flowers at izunas bedside and fixes the sheets and updates him in what's been happening while he's in the coma. with all the tact he has, which is very little.

tobirama: hello izuna. class went well today. you would've liked the chemistry lesson. your cousin hikaku broke down crying behind the school because he misses you. your other cousin obito called me a slur when he noticed i saw this and then he chased me down and shoved my head into a toilet. the cafeteria was serving cold rice again at lunch. this concludes my report. get well soon.

what tobirama is unaware of is that this is the kind of coma that izuna is actually largely aware of whats happening around him, he just can't respond or move in any way. so he knows about tobiramas daily visits and updates and weird attempts at friendship. (tobirama's consistant reports on class lessons actually means when he wakes up, he doesn't need to do too much to catch up on work.)

so when izuna finally wakes up, he decides to do his own crazy move- to lie that they've always been friends, actually. best friends. joined at the hip practically. tobirama assumes this is some kind of brain damage situation but gleefully takes the opportunity to have a friend. izuna uses the justification of them being lifelong friends to violate a number of boundaries and behave in completely inappropriate ways.

madara also assumes this is some kind of brain damage consequence and considers tobirama an evil blight on his brother's life that must be vanquished. he keeps desperately trying to prove that they didn't get along before izuna's coma, but izuna just keeps making up loopholes and excuses to disprove his evidence.

eventually izuna tearfully confesses that madara is right, there's no physical proof of their lifelong friendship....because he himself destroyed it all! he and tobirama were/are actually boyfriends, see, but he was so worried that his brother would be homophobic about it that he never kept proof of their relationship! his close call with death has made him realize the importance of treasuring the time he has with tobirama, even if.... (loud sob) even if madara is being even MORE homophobic about this than he had once feared.....(Sob)

madara: oh. uh. i. uh

hashirama: madara.....how could you.....

[shxllyblog]

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You never really minded that Grimmjow was staying in your house until he is bleeding on your floor.

You had two bags in your hand filled with a variety of different ingredients and self indulgent sweets that you tried to stop yourself from buying and clearly failed. You fumble for the keys to your apartment in your pockets before unlocking the door and stepping in, you haven’t seen Grimmjow for at least a week now. You had suspected he was off doing some fighting or shit which he would later brag to you about. Chucking the keys at the table next to your door you put down the bags in your hands, your arms feeling instant relief. You were about to take off your shoes until you hear the sound of heavy breathing and you pause. 

“Grimmjow?” You call out, normally he would have the TV on some weird challenge shows which you weren’t interested in or figuring out how to play gta which you admittedly regret buying.

You make your way over to the livingroom and your eyes widen at seeing Grimmjow bloody and breathing heavily on your floor.

“What the- are you ok?!” You say quickly as you rush over to him, kneeling down next to his chest assessing his wound, it was deep. “Fuck- fuck!?” What do espada’s use to heal themselves? You don’t know anything about the Soul Society or Hueco Mundo that he keeps on going on about. You didn’t realise you were zoning out until Grimmjow grabs you and buys the arm. 

“Just stop the bleeding.” He hisses at you making you feel somewhat dumb, you get to your feet before rushing over to your bathroom grab a towel to put pressure on the wound. You had only seen this shit on TV and never actually imagined you doing it. It’s not like you were going to call an ambulance for a guy who is already dead and is going to die again (not on your watch).

You run back over to him to see him no longer lying on the floor but sitting up, you pray he doesn’t stain the couch but now is not the time for that. 

“What happened to you?!” You ask as you use the towel to apply pressure on the deepest cut which draws a low groan from him. 

“Fucking prick Nnoitra.” He mutters between groans, you knew he wasn’t going to admit being defeated by someone, that just the type of person he is. You could already suss out what was going on, the once white towel turns a black colour. You hadn’t known that arrancar blood was black, it’s not everyday Grimmjow bleeds out on your floor.

“You're fine, you’ll be fine.” You whisper words that he probably doesn’t need but it does make him look calmer, if that's even possible this guy had a permanent scowl on his face.

“Tough fight huh.” You say as you press harder onto the wound, it wasn’t bleeding as much now but it would still hurt like shit.

“I didn’t lose. I was caught off guard.” He says as he looks away from you. The sound of your laugh is what makes Grimmjow finally look at you, your laugh will be the death of him. Unless you don’t kill him by how hard you're pressing down on his wound. 

“What are you laughing about woman?” He sneered at you, making you laugh even more. You stop laughing as he grabs your arm making you look up at him, as you smile hesitantly.

“Nothing.” You say as you look into his blue eyes as he searched in yours for a reason why you find him ‘losing’ so amusing. 

“Bullshit.” He says as your eyes show a single sign of sadness. His grip on his hand tightens as he stares at you. 

You sigh before crossing your legs on your wooden floor. 

“You have been the most interesting thing in my life and- It’s just so absurd that you are here bleeding on my floor as if it's normal to everyone else.” You finally get out with it, you know that Grimmjow isn’t really the person you would talk to about it but, it's that or your friends thinking you're schizophrenic. But it’s his response which makes you surprised. 

“Who else am I going to go to?” He says softly in a way that it doesn’t even sound like him, you blink before smiling you never knew that Grimmjow trusted you this much.

You smile as you look up at him. 

“I knew you trusted me.”