#I either make it work or I commit suicide if I can't stand on my own feet I don't wanna stand at all lmao

[u5an5]

SCP : Sedition - SCP-035 [Tape 01]

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[START LOG]

_Viewing Area_

*Watch walks in to the room. Jacobs, Guards and Class D personel are already here*

Watch: Is this really necessary?

Jacobs: *turns to look at Watch* ...

Jacobs: *turns to Guard, nods* Send him in.

Guard I: *points his gun at Class D* Step back from the perimeter or I will shoot! *Guard leads Class D into interrogation room*

*Jacobs closes door behind Class D*

Class D: Ok. I saw the mask. C-can I go now?

...

Class D: Come on. I just want to get back to my cell! Open up!

...

Class D: Nothing else is happening! What's the delay?

Watch: *turns to Jacobs* It can take anything that looks human, why use a real person?

Jacobs: It gets results.

Class D: What do you want me to do? What is this thing?

Class D: *leans in in direction of 035, looks closer* … Why is it sad? 

Jacobs: <under breath> Gotcha.

Class D: *starts walking towards 035* It looks... Beautiful... So smooth... So delicate... and light...

Class D: I want it on... I want...

Class D: *puts on the mask*

*Class D falls to the floor, writhes and screams in agony*

*SCP-035 stands up*

SCP-035: Thank you boys... it's been too long.

Jacobs: (deep inhale) <softly> I think that's your cue.

[Rest bellow the cut]

*Watch walks into 035s cell. 035 is already sitting at the his own chair*

SCP-035: *stands up, extends arm to shake it* Hello there! Nice to meet you! And who might you be?

Watch: Not stupid enough to fall for that.

SCP-035: *sits down, nods* Absolutely right. So you've read my file. Which must mean the interview ban has been lifted? I never thought they would let me take a host again.

SCP-035: <musing> Funny... I don't remember seeing you before.

Watch: Probably because anyone who has been in contact with you has either committed suicide or died due to the fluids you secrete.

SCP-035: I'm very sorry to hear that, but I can't hold it in forever, you know? When you got to go...

Watch: You throw a tantrum until you get what you want.

SCP-035: And here I am. Only wanting to chat.

Watch: There you are. How long have we got?

SCP-035: Well that depends... How much decomposition can you stand? The last one decayed before the blackout could be fixed. I could melt this bad boy to the bone over a few hours, but you don't seem like the kind of person to see the humour in that.

SCP-035: <musing> Always down.

Watch: Nice party trick. We'll see how these questions go.

SCP-035: A risk taker! I like it.

Watch: Answer them. No grief, no manipulation, and continued interview sessions will be considered.

SCP-035: *stands up, exited* More? Real people too?

Watch: *turns to look at Jacobs* ...Yes

SCP-035: *punches air in excitement and sits down* Ha-ha! Sounds great! I'll hold you to it! C'mon, let's get started! I'm falling apart just sitting here.

_035s cell_

Watch: Why do you insist on contacting us? Why the urgency?

SCP-035: Come on, Watch. You can't expect me to be cooped up here all by my lonesome! I get very lonely! I'm a people person. I need to stretch my legs and socialise- Well, somebody's legs (chortles)

Watch: <flatly> Charming.

Watch: So while you're animated, we might as well have you answer some questions.

SCP-035: All work and no play makes for a dull audience. 

Watch: ...You done?

SCP-035: Sure.

_

Watch: Who was the first one to wear you?

SCP-035: Ah, Iphlicus. I haven't thought about him in so long.

Watch: Good friend?

SCP-035: Mmm. Beautiful, insanely talented, but such an introvert. Lovely family though; two boys and a girl. Wonderful wife. Oh, we made the best unit.

Watch: It's unusual to hear you speak fondly of someone you've possessed, as well as their family. Were you upset once he expired?

SCP-035: Oh, our partnership carried on for almost a decade.

Watch: Don't all of your hosts perish?

SCP-035: Like any good character, I can change and develop through time. Back then, I had a much simpler role than the star you see before you.

SCP-035: (sigh) <dejected> I was sad to see him go.

Watch: What happened to him?

SCP-035: Around 426 BC, we ventured to Crete for a performance and I was... discovered.

SCP-035: <disdainfully> By her.

Watch: Her? *looks at change of 035’s face*

Watch: <wary> Uh... I think we can come back to that later.

_

Watch: When you possess entities, do you inherit their memories and thoughts to add to your intellect, or are those discarded once they've expired?

SCP-035: *nods* Yes.

Watch: ...Yes... to what?

SCP-035: What you said. Y'know, I reckon we could spice up the decor around here! Some wallpaper, couple curtains, maybe a throw-

Watch: 035!

SCP-035: <teasing> Wow, touchy-touchy! Everything alright upstairs? You're looking a tad flustered.

Watch: *looks down* I just have a lot on-

Watch: *looks back up at 035* Need I remind you that we only have so much time...

SCP-035: Right, right. What was your question again?

Watch: When-

SCP-035: Oh, right! You're not too far off the mark. I have memories and thoughts that I've built up, sure. But the person's resolve, the power of their mind...

SCP-035: Determines not only the memories I access, but from what perspective I interpret them.

Watch: Can you give me an example?

SCP-035: Alright! Lets see this chap here. Simple, well-rounded humor. When he's not crapping his pants, likes to dance around the issues in his life.

SCP-035: Clearly, I'm reflecting his personality to a T. It's what I do, I'm just that great.

Watch: And if you possessed someone else?

SCP-035: *leans in* Someone like you?

SCP-035: *scrutinizes Watch* Hmm. Analytical, straight-forward, empathetic yet not too sympathetic. *nods* Clearly intelligent. You could take a while to digest.

Watch: I hear that from 682 all the time. So the mind and personality you control dictates how long the body takes to-

SCP-035: *points at Watch* See? *nods* Intelligent. Very strong indeed.

Watch: And if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were coming onto me.

SCP-035: Is it working?

Watch: No.

_

Watch: Have you ever met anyone... resistant? Or maybe someone who simply never trusted you?

SCP-035: Whatever doubts people have about me fade away over time. On average, hmm... 10 minutes or so.

Watch: Quite the aura you have there.

SCP-035: What can I say? I'm a charmer!

Watch: <flatly> Clearly. Well... are there people who are not suited to wear you, or you would not want to be worn by?

SCP-035: ... Acne. Anyone with acne.

Watch: Oddly picky for a mask that secretes black ooze.

SCP-035: I have standards! And in the end, that's all I have once I'm alone.

Watch: Well, what if I had acne? Would you not want to possess me despite all you've said?

SCP-035: Interested, eh?

Watch: Don't twist this around. I'm just sceptical the true dealbreaker is acne. What about those without faces or even heads?

SCP-035: Like Mr. Headless? Hahahaha! Who said he doesn't have a face?

Watch: That's... interesting. Can you tell us more?

SCP-035: <teasing> Ah,come on, Watchie! You can't have me spend our quality time together talking about someone else all the time! I thought you wanted to get to know me!

Watch: I just want to-

SCP-035: Blah, blah, blah! Go ask him! You're here for me, remember?

Watch: (sigh) Moving on.

_

Watch: How do you manage to lure humans to put you on?

SCP-035: I'm irresistible, look at me!

Watch: ... <doubtful> Right...

SCP-035: Influence my dear! Influence. Imagery, presence-

Watch: Telepathic links, hypnotic commands-

SCP-035: <indignant> You would take the magic out of everything!

Watch: There's a science to everything. Just because we don't understand something, doesn't mean it's conjured out of nowhere. There's a process.

Watch: Even magic, while marvellous and breathtaking to the onlooker, is just another scientific process to the man behind the curtain.

SCP-035: *crosses arms, looks away*

SCP-035: *looks back, petulant* Your parents never read you bedtime stories, did they? Fantasy never factored into your childhood much?

Watch: My parents never got the chance. Fantasy takes a backseat, when you have to deal with the constant bombardment of reality.

SCP-035: I guess you should consider yourself lucky they never lived to see you become the unimaginative dolt you are today.

Watch: (chuckles incredulously) ugh...

SCP-035: Laugh while you can, I'm sure they're busy while they *eyes start glowing purple and lights flicker, voice gets demonic* burn in hell!

Watch: *moves back, startled* Woah!

Jacobs: Remain passive, 035 or I will terminate this! Now!

SCP-035: ... Ok! Ok! I'm calm. I promise.

_

_

Watch: How were you created?

SCP-035: Ah! I like telling this one. You don't mind long and drawn out? There's a lot of plot to cover.

Watch: That's what we're here for.

SCP-035: Excellent! Legend speaks that Hephaestus, Forger of the Greek Gods, was petitioned by Zeus to create a gift for the Muse Melpomene. Ah... How she used to sing the sweetest of songs and produce melodies so breathtaking it soothed souls from the bodies of mortals and Gods alike to far off lands and back again.

SCP-035: But one day, the only notes that left her lips were that of tragedy.

Watch: That sounds terrible.

SCP-035: This was true to her sisters as well, and so Thalia, Muse of Comedy and daughter to Mnemosyne and Zeus - Zeus had a lot of kids to a lot of women, he was a busy man - beseeched her father to ease her suffering.

SCP-035: So when Hephaestus got the order to make such wondrous gift, he used the laughter of Thalia to forge - dramatic pause - *spreads arms* Me!

Watch: Or so the legend goes. How do I know this isn't just a lie?

SCP-035: If you're gonna have an origin story, its always best to make it multiple choice. Besides, I lkie this one the best.

Watch: U-huh. So you were created by Gods... however self-serving it sounds.

Watch: So, what happened next?

SCP-035: They christened me Dýo Polonoi, which means "Of Two Poles" in Ancient dialect-

Watch: (chuckles)

SCP-035: What?

Watch: <amused> Nothing, sorry. Continue?

SCP-035: ...Okay?

SCP-035: Well... There are two certainties in Greek Mythology. One: Every major screw-up or story starts with Zeus getting horny and shagging some mortal, or trying anything to get in their pants.

SCP-035: Two: Hero hates everyone. I mean, even married to that prick, Hera was ruthless in pursuing revenge. Just ask Io.

Watch: Who?

SCP-035: Exactly. So when Hera hears Zeus' illegitimate daughter is getting a godly gift and she isn't, every heifer and its fly can tell she isn't going to be impressed.

SCP-035: So while I was being made, she snuck in with one of Melpomene's most mournful sonnets and threw them into the forge. My design was now flawed.

SCP-035: Instead of allowing her to feel joy, I would have accentuated her own sorrow, which probably would have driven the dear Muse to death.

Watch: ... Did you?

SCP-035: Hey, technically I haven't been born yet. This was just the conception stage. Luckily for me, Hephaestus saw what she had done and managed to steal me back before Hera could deliver me to her intended victim.

SCP-035: Unfortunately, centuries in a cramped Forge doesn't do well for the cardio and he kinda dropped me over the edge.

Watch: Wow.

SCP-035: Mhm... Wow. The details are a little hazy, again since I hadn't really been born yet, but I was found and passed from hand to hand until I found my way to the Theatre of Dionysus. The actors here used me for their performances.

SCP-035: And I brought out the best in everyone who wore me, which brought about my birth.

Watch: Birth as in activation?

SCP-035: I guess. Although that sounds far too artificial.

Watch: The first person to wear you birthed you?

SCP-035: Correct.

Watch: And in doing so, imprinted a personality that evolved with every person who wore you.

SCP-035: <snarky> You're so cute when you put the pieces together.

Watch: But surely someone noticed this.

SCP-035: Oh they did, but they didn't mind. I was a gift from the Gods, they said. *looks down* (mournful sigh)

...

Watch: It was Hera, wasn't it? She was the one who discovered you in Crete.

SCP-035: *looks up* I was convinced by many of the Cretan novices that I was in fact a fallen God. I foolishly purported the image, and several "followers'' prayed for my ascension.

SCP-035: She answered their prayers... with a gift from Poseidon. A tsunami.

Watch: I’m... sorry.

SCP-035: Two and half thousand years later, and I can still hear the screams. The bodies washing through the streets *starts glowing purple, lights flicker and voice gets more demonic and enraged* houses swept into the sea and you're sorry?! 

Watch: *placating* Calm down, easy. Easy.

*everything gradually calms down*

Watch: Do you need a break?

SCP-035: (sigh) No, no. I'm fine.

Watch: Okay. So what happened next?

SCP-035: She destroyed my life. So I dedicated mine to tearing down the only thing that brought her any power.

Watch: And what was that?

SCP-035: ... The Greek Empire.

_

Watch: Do you have any regrets?

SCP-035: Show me a being who has lived as long as I without regrets, and you will have found a liar. Of course I do. Fortunately, I've forgotten most of them. But I still feel them in my... heh... heart.

Watch: Anything in particular?

SCP-035: (long sigh) Burning Alexandria's Library.

Watch: ... *crosses arms, stares doubtfuly*

SCP-035: Well, not me directly. After Hera's wrath, I wanted to hit her and Gods where it would hurt the most. And where better to hurt them than destroy the works of humanity.

SCP-035: But like the dead swallowed up by the ocean, I could hear those books screaming as history in the making shrivelled up in flame. I helped the Romans destroy knowledge that humanity still has not rediscovered.

SCP-035: And the art? Oh, the art. I regret that dearly. 

Watch: I don't know whose wrath was worse; Heras or yours.

SCP-035: I repaid the Greeks in kind. The same voice that splintered their society was turned on their conquerors. The fire that destroyed Alexandria, I gave to Nero to burn down the Rome.

_

Watch: Do you have any connection to SCP-343?

SCP-035: (chuckles)

Watch: What's so funny?

SCP-035: I'm sorry. I'm ok now. So... 343 - God (snort). Look, we've not really been properly acquainted but... his reputation precedes him.

Watch: A completely different kind of drama queen.

SCP-035: Exactly! <in mocking tone> “I created the world!” “I have infinite power!”

SCP-035: It's not that I hate the guy, it's just that his style doesn't click with me. He has so much ego, and coming from me... that's saying something.

Watch: I will admit, from what I've read of the transcripts, he comes across less as a God... and more of a used car salesman.

SCP-035: *shrugs* To each his own. Makes you wonder, if he's a God, why hang around the Foundation? Surely there's more interesting things out there in the whole Universe?

Watch: It does seem like odd behaviour for a God. <to himself, musing> Is there something here he needs? Or something he's hiding from?

SCP-035: You said it, not me.

Watch: Hmm...

_

Watch: What are you thoughts on SCP-173?

SCP-035: Not much, beyond of what I heard. Sounds interesting, if a little shy. Breaks everything it touches. If my mother was around - that is to say if I had a mother - she'd say we were a lot alike.

SCP-035: Well... despite the lack of face.

Watch: I'm sure you could contribute to that. Sounds like you two would make a nice pairing.

SCP-035: Don't mistake interest and admiration for respect, m'boy. You seem far too intelligent to make that kind of a mistake.

Watch: Well thank-

SCP-035: Think nothing of it. Look... you may believe similarity is perfect for a duo, but I don't see the world like that. If I look for a partner, it's someone who can make up for my own shortcomings, not bring the same spiel I do.

SCP-035: If there's one thing I truly hate in this world, it's unoriginality. That's why I couldn't stand the Romans for too long. Whole culture was a cheap imitation of mine!

SCP-035: So I left the party... and kept the door ajar for Christianity. Big mistake embracing that guy, let me tell you.

Watch: What does any of this have to do with 173?

SCP-035: We were talking about 173?

Watch: (sigh)

_

Watch: How old are you?

SCP-035: ...

Watch: It'd be nice to have an official number…

SCP-035: What, do I need to spell it out to you? That's not how you weave the narrative, m'boy. I've given you the facts. Use them.

Watch: Well, your timeline seems pretty inconsistent. Some of what you say does fit the period, but the order in which you tell the things is... messy.

SCP-035: (sigh) What more do you want? I hand you an entertaining narrative and you throw it back in my face! Real considerate.

Watch: It can't be hard to-

SCP-035: <iritated> No, you listen here. I'm giving you my precious time, not the other way around! You want some answers, you better listen carefully and maybe start asking me some goddamn worthwhile questions for once!

_

Watch: What are your thoughts on SCP-001?

SCP-035: Pfft! <indignan> What kind of ridiculous question is that?

Watch: Almost always standard it seems.

Jacobs: Answer him, 035.

SCP-035: <petulant> Ask nicely.

Watch: You're not exactly in position to-

SCP-035: Oh, aren't I? I don't think you know who you're talking to.

Jacobs: Refuse to comply and I can make this situation much worse for you.

SCP-035: Melodrama won't get you far with me, buddy!

SCP-035: Want me to cut off at the neck? Allow me! *breaks his own neck by twisting his head back with enough force to fall out of chair*

Watch: *jumps back, spooked* Holy Shit! Jacobs!

_

[END LOG]

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[rose-tinted-vision]

What will happen to Reo after Blue Lock?

because Ego made it pretty clear at the start that only one can come out on top, the rest can't represent Japan if they get eliminated in Blue Lock.

And Reo's father also demanded that he prove he can "carry Japan on his back", he won't acknowledge him otherwise.

But then Reo goes and says that he'll make Nagi the world's No.1 striker, which. conflicts with everything.

1. Ego first said that the essence of Blue Lock was to create the best striker in Japan. Sacrificing the futures of 299 players all for one striker.

2. Next, he says that the Top 5 will be selected to represent Japan in the U-20 World Cup, and the rest who get defeated in Blue Lock will never get the chance to represent Japan again.

(It seems pretty...questionable, though. And there are loopholes that can be picked at).

But wait! Didn't Ego just say in point 1) that only one striker will be created out of Blue Lock? Does this mean that there will be another elimination round for the Top 5 players that were selected? I don't know. Probably. This is Ego that we're talking about here.

3. Reo's father said that he had to prove that he could "carry Japan's team on his back" or else he would never acknowledge Reo. Given that he wants Reo to succeed him and take over the Mikage corporation, it's likely an ultimatum: either you become the best, or come back and take over the company.

Something like that, anyway. Since it was shown that he disapproved of Reo's dream from the start.

And despite all that, Reo said that he would make Nagi the world's No.1 striker.

All these points meshed together is basically Reo committing football suicide, both in and out of Blue Lock. Because both Blue Lock and his father dictates that he either becomes the best, or else he'll never get to play football at a professional level again.

Over here it seems that Reo has gotten over his co-dependency with Nagi, which is good. And works in his favour. But we mustn't forget that Reo is an emotionally driven person, which is seen throughout the manga. He can go from standing resolute without Nagi in one moment to accepting Nagi back into his life in the next moment. So whether he is really ready to become the world's best striker or still determined to make Nagi the world's best is still up in the air.

Also (my own opinion) because plot armor and all, we all know Isagi is most likely the one to come out on top in Blue Lock, where does that leave Reo?

(But I doubt Ego Blue Lock has the power to actually forbid certain players from playing in the Japan team? The people in the football association don't seem to have much regard for him, heck, Ego himself seems to be under threat by the JFA).

[anunkindncss]

Plots I am actively wanting thanks to my Spotify playlist.

Back To December: Muse A has commitment issues, that much has been obvious since they left Muse B in the background. But sometimes, we all have to take a look back and wonder what if we'd made the wrong decision? So Muse A comes back to town to sit down with Muse B and try to have a conversation, a real one. But Muse B isn't letting go that easily, and has a chain on the door of their heart. Angst. Pain. Makeup? Move on? Who knows.

Johnny Can't Decide: Muse A feels like they are on the absolute brink of success (actor/musician/songwriter/etc.) but Muse B is ready for real life to begin. Muse A has some tough calls to make because what Muse B has planned doesn't involve late nights, little money, and the starving artist image. The way it stands, Muse A can either keep fighting for their passions, which may have them lose Muse B entirely, or walk away from these big dreams and decide that maybe, just maybe the life Muse B has in their mind is a future too hard to walk away from.

I'm Still Here: Muse A has always been invisible, in their own mind. They have lived nearly the entirety of their life struggling to find their place in the world when one day they bump into Muse B who doesn't just glance over them. Wanting to know more, to understand Muse A, Muse B begins trying to step into their world. For once, Muse A allows the doors to fall down and finds that with company, you can do just about anything. Support is the foundation for dreams coming true. (Can be platonic/romantic).

Help (tw: addiction, suicidal ideation, PTSD): Due to Muse A having an addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) from a secondary reasoning (domestic abuse, Post War PTSD, Traumatic PTSD, etc.) Muse A has begun to finally hit bottom... And realizes they don't want to do this anymore. Muse B (former friend/lover/family member) gets a call one night from a number they don't know hearing Muse A sob on the other end. Sometimes bottom is the only way up.

Small Bump (tw: miscarriage, death): Muse A and Muse B are the most excited to be parents. Muse A works dutifully to ensure that Muse B's pregnancy will be happy, healthy, and most of all, safe. But life comes with 0 guarantees as one day Muse B wakes up to no movement, no kicking, no fuss. Worried, they see the doctor and some of the worst news in the world is presented. Miscarriages can often make or break the strongest of relationships. Muse A and Muse B have to figure out how to navigate this tidal wave of grief. The real question? Can they do it together? Or apart?

Traveling Soldier: Muse A has readily enlisted in the Army/Navy/Marines/Air Force. The day before he is to be deployed, on a leave, he finds himself wandering this small town. In a diner, getting his last good meal in before the long journey ahead, he meets Muse B, a diner waiter/waitress just trying to make enough money to get to college while busting their tail to make great tips. Muse A starts small talk before revealing what they've planned and Muse B, floored because they'd never even thought of that route and knowing what they've read in the news, promises Muse A a night to remember (can be platonic/romantic). Morning comes and Muse A finds themselves regretting their choice to serve, but honoring it under one condition. That Muse B allows them to write letters. They agree, and Muse A ships off, sending letters home to the one person they can't wait to get back to.

Swing Life Away: Muse A and Muse B ran off from home very young, knowing little about one another outside of the fact that they both left tough situations. They'd met at the bus stop and just started spilling everything over a warm cup of coffee shared by someone who could recognize another exhausted soul. As they begin to figure out where they want to land, they decide to do it together. They find a beat up old house with one promising feature. A porch swing. It's not a perfect life, but it's the start of something that pushed them past the past that left them with scars.

You're Too Close: Muse A has never been great at expressing how they feel. Especially when it comes to Muse B, who just looks at Muse A as a good friend. Until their college graduation night when Muse A drunkenly confesses everything. How they've been feeling, how much they care. Drunk, themselves, Muse B takes the confession as a green light to drunkenly begin to hook up, when Muse A stops them and tells them they will... but only once they sober up. The following morning, they're laying in bed looking at one another and Muse B wonders why Muse A never said anything. Whether this leads to something beginning or an awkward air? Time will tell.

[firstumcschenectady]

“Seeking Peace” based on 1 Corinthians 6:1-6 and Luke 6:43-45

I tend to believe the the quote from Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, “We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” This makes me quite skeptical of both-sides-ism. To be fair, the primary justice issue I've worked on in my life is justice for LGBTQIA+ people, and the difference between teenagers committing suicide because they're told they're not loved and straight cis-people feeling uncomfortable is a great example of things NOT being equal.

However, today a part of my heart is in my throat, thinking about the conflict in the Middle East, and I can't make sense out of it. There aren't easy answers in Palestine and Israel. There is pain and suffering of generations, and worldwide context, and vulnerable people everywhere. And there are clear and abundant violations of human rights and human dignities. This is a case of both/and, I think.

I have been reminded this week to hold the history of Israel in context. Of course, I thought I was doing that, and I wasn't. Modern Israel was created out of the need for a space for Jewish people to have self-determination after Christian neighbors and so-called Christian Countries proved themselves unwilling to hold Jewish life as sacred. This, of course, culminated in the Holocaust, which Elie Wiesel survived, but the Holocaust was an single extreme expression of the constant antisemitism of the world.

I wonder, from the perspective of 2023, if the choices made to create modern Israel were less supportive of Jewish life than they seemed at the time. A friend told me this week that if Israel's neighbors laid down their weapons, there would be peace, but if Israel laid down their weapons, there would be no Israel. Because the powers of the world made decisions to create modern Israel, but did so without the cooperation and consent of the other nations in that region, and without an adequate plan for the people who had already been living in Israel. How did they think this would play out? Did they care?

There isn't much space in our lives for context, and nuance, and careful conversations. There isn't space for both/and. There isn't a lot of space for acknowledging that Hamas was definitely, completely wrong in their attacks – it was barbaric terrorism AND that the blockades and attacks on Gaza are excessive and inhumane. We're told we have to pick: be for one side or the other, either forget the centuries of antisemitism that our own faith tradition created and nurtured and stand for the downtrodden Palestinians OR forget the consistency of inhumane treatment of Muslims and Christians in Palestine, and stand for the Israelite state.

For those of us who believe they're ALL God's people, ALL God's chosen, ALL God's beloveds, Israel and Palestine looks like pain and horror right now. In trying to find the balance in this sermon, I sought wisdom from others whose eyes see what I fail. They reminded me that one way to stand for Israelis and for Palestinians is to stand against Hamas, who not only brutally attacked innocents, but also did so knowing the response would kill Palestinians in large numbers. Can we stand for our Jewish siblings here, around the world, and in Israel while standing for our Palestinian siblings? I believe we can, but it takes a willingness to look deeply, to be uncomfortable, and to shy away from fast talking points.

The Mennonite Church of Canada wrote a prayer lament and intercession for Palestine and Israel and I invite you to join me in the spirit of prayer1:

God of love and justice, our hearts are perplexed, paralyzed and broken at the recent carnage in Palestine and Israel. We lament the loss of life and the suffering of so many people. We are shocked at the inhumanity of violence, terrorism, and war.

Our prayers for peace seem to go unanswered. We wish you would intervene. We cling to your promise of a different world, but we see so few signs of its fulfillment. We do not understand.

Still, we continue to believe that you desire life and peace for all people. 

Holy Spirit, strengthen our resolve to advocate for peace, justice, equality, and compassion for all.   Don’t let us turn away.

Comfort all who are overwhelmed with loss—loss of life, loss of homes, loss of safety and security. 

God of the vulnerable and the oppressed, renew the energy and creativity of those committed to nonviolent resistance and change. 

We pray for the communities in the land where our shared faith was born and nurtured. May your love remain bright among your Jewish, Christian, Muslim and people. May they recognize your hand in their lives, even amidst the suffering. We pray for your peoples around the world, wishing hope, health, safety, and abundance for all.

God of all nations, guide our own government to respond in ways that support the legitimate rights of all, especially those who are most vulnerable, those who continue to suffer after generations of occupation, dispossession, and denial of basic human rights and those who fear for their safety.

May your kindom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Yours is the kingdom, the power, the glory, now and forever. 

Amen

You may have heard in our Epistle lesson this morning, a call from Paul for good conflict resolution. And you may have heard in our Gospel lesson this morning a reminder that we are not know by our intentions, but by our fruits. Come to church, hear hard things ;)

All I can offer the Middle East right now is my heartfelt prayers, and my profound compassion. What I can offer in the here and now is a refusal to participate in violence, even in my language. I can affirm the humanity of our Jewish and Muslim siblings in faith, I can acknowledge how horrifying and terrifying this is for anyone with family or friends in Israel and Palestine. And I can hold multiple truths – that Christianity has created the conditions by which Jews are dehumanized and live in fear around the world AND – hey look at us – Christianity has done the same to Muslims and many Christians do the same to Palestinians. Here, in the US – and around the world – I want Jewish people to be SAFE, whole, and assured that we'll have their back. And I want the same for Palestinians of all faiths and for Muslims everywhere. Right? I've been thinking about what God might feel about it all. My best answer is “heartbroken.”

When the Methodist Federation for Social Action (MFSA) Board did an intense study of anti-racism, we were given a list of values in anti-racism institutions. One of them was “both/and thinking” and “moving toward collective action.” To be more direct, the training claimed that either/or thinking was a tool of oppression and both/and thinking was needed to make space for all people to be collaborative.2

I think about that a lot. I've noticed in my life that when I'm stuck between a THIS and a THAT, and I notice it, and take time to consider it, and even pray about it, that there is always an undiscovered THIRD WAY I wouldn't have found unless I considered the important parts of THIS and the important parts of THAT together, and realized why I couldn't let either one go. That God is in the both/and, and it can take me a while to find it, but it is always worth finding.

I've heard stories of those who have worked for peace though, have you ever heard them? Those who God has called to be peace-makers who have entered spaces with both sides of this conflict and found ways to let each side be actually heard? To even grieve together? The stories are always of small intentional groups, of people willing to participate, usually not of people in leadership who are most profoundly fixed in their positions (although in this conflict few people are easily moved.) But miracles have happened. People have heard each other. People have cried for each other. People have APOLOGIZED.

This work is being done RIGHT NOW. I learned this week that “one of the crucial movements in the peace space in Israel/Palestine now is the historic partnership between Women Wage Peace and Women of the Sun; the latter organization was founded in the summer of 2021, and is comprised of Palestinian women working for peace in the West Bank and Gaza. Women Wage Peace was founded after the Gaza war of 2014, is comprised of Jewish and Arab women who live inside the State of Israel, and has the two primary objectives of 1) Getting Israeli/Palestinian peace negotiations going (and to eventually achieve a "bilaterally acceptable political agreement") and 2) guaranteeing that women are part of the negotiation process.”3 4

Let's hear one story about peace, right now, huh? There is a group called the Parents’ Circle Families Forum—formerly the Bereaved Parents’ Circle. The organization is comprised of Israelis and Palestinians who have lost a family member in the ongoing violence. Their work is the slow work of trust building and creating connections.

Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg tells, and reflects on this story: On October 7th, Hersh Goldberg-Polin was kidnapped by Hamas and brought into Gaza. Shortly before the abduction, he lost his arm while protecting his friends from Hamas bullets and grenades; as far as anyone knows, he is badly wounded if he is still alive. He has not been heard from since being taken.

Last week, his mother, Rachel, wrote:

Time is slowly ticking into the future, with these hostages approaching a week in captivity. If he is still alive, how much longer can he survive? His wounds are grievous. I hope someone somewhere is being kind to him, caring for him, attending to him.

Hersh is my whole world, and this evil is the flood that is destroying it. I really don’t know if anything can save it. If anyone knows, please tell me. To save a life, our sages taught, is to save a world. Please help me save my son; it will save my world.

Every single person in Gaza has a mother, or had a mother at some point.

And I would say this, then, as mother to other mothers: If you see Hersh, please help him. I think about it a lot. I really think I would help your son, if he was in front of me, injured, near me.

And that’s the whole of it. “I would help your son.” Your daughter. Your child. Your beloved. Yours.

I understand that yours matters infinite worlds to you, because mine does, to me, and I hope that you see that, too.

I can see the infinity in yours, in fact, if I’m willing to look.1

What incredibly holy work is being done in seeing each other as beloveds. The article that shared that story, framed it in the lens of the holy work of mothering/parenting – and in seeing all the world's children as “yours”. Dear ones, I think that's where the pain comes from when we see brokenness in the world. Because we know all children – all people – to be God's children, in need of good care, and worthy of good and abundant life.

So we seek peace. We seek peace through love by loving all people. This maybe doesn't seem radical enough, or new enough. Maybe it isn't new, but the world has proven to us time and time again, it is radical enough. Let's work on it until we get it right. Then we can try to pull Christianity along ;)

Amen

1https://www.mennonitechurch.ca/article/16090-prayer-of-lament-and-intercession-for-palestine-and-israel, accessed 10/19/2023 Edited.

2Work of Crossroads Antiracism Organizing and Training. I attended in 2017.

3https://lifeisasacredtext.substack.com/p/a-peacemaking-lens?fbclid=IwAR1y50dbv2q-VxQQ_o1elI_-5UNYuOAEoMIMsEe9Tcg0gGNzHe44TvOKmMA

4The thoughts and concerns of Alice Gomstyn and Elliot Olshansky are peppered throughout this sermon, and I thank them for not letting me bumble along like an idiot, even when it is my job to be informed and not their job to inform me. I'll also note that while they helped me, they can't fix me ;) so mistakes remain my own.

1https://lifeisasacredtext.substack.com/p/a-peacemaking-lens?fbclid=IwAR1y50dbv2q-VxQQ_o1elI_-5UNYuOAEoMIMsEe9Tcg0gGNzHe44TvOKmMA

Rev. Sara E. Baron  First United Methodist Church of Schenectady  603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305  Pronouns: she/her/hers  http://fumcschenectady.org/  https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

October 22, 2023

[fwimmey]

I remember in 2015, my dad was going back to college, my mom was working in hospice care, and I was struggling to want to live. My dad told me "things aren't looking good, and they're going to get worse for a little while, but if we buckle down we can get through this. And things will be better on the other side.." Now I look around me, at the world we live in. At the futures that might await me. I have to ask.

When?

When does it fucking get better, cause imma be honest here. I don't know how much more of this I can take! Everyone I've ever cared about either dies before me or I forget them. I've lived through a global pandemic, and two fucking catastrophic recessions. America has a king now! It hasn't rained in two months. Each year is the hottest on record. And every minute of every day countless people are killed for slights their ancestors committed against someone else's ancestors.

My bones hurt, my skin crawls, and I feel an itch inside my skull I can't get at to scratch. I see people that aren't actually there, hear screaming matches I suffered 8 years ago replayed in my head while I'm trying to sleep. Took me till last year to figure out how to cry again. Still trying to figure out how not to hide my emotions in the presence of other humans. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And the worst part is there's not a damn thing I can do about any of it. Can't change the world, people with far more time and resources than me really like the way things are going. Done fixed all the problems within me I could get my claws around, everything else i need a doctor for. Sure as hell can't afford that, besides last time I went I paid for their pills with my memories. All I got out of it was the inability to dream, and chronic fatigue I'm still dealing with today.

I never stood a fucking chance. Don't even know why I'm writing this down, guess this is the closest I'll ever be able to stomach to therapy again.

Things have to get better or I'm not going to make it. I ain't suicidal, I have little desire to die. But the only reason I've made it this far is pure spite and stubbornness. Its a potent fuel, it burns hot and true. You'll encounter scenarios you thought would break you, but it will keep you standing, will push you through whatever horrors await you till you come out the other side. But it does so at the cost of your well being. It's a potent fuel, it's flame burns hotter than any other motivator you can have. Our bodies aren't made to handle it though, eventually you'll burn yourself out. That flame within you will eventually run out of fuel, and it will start consuming you. I can see the cracks starting to form. One of these days I'm going to collapse under my own weight, and I'll have done enough damage to myself, trying to survive, that I'll be unable to get back up.

I have to find something else to motivate me. A fuel that adds to me, instead of slowly eating me from the inside out. But where the hell do you start, I've already lost more than I ever truly had. I'm too scared that anything I love will just be taken from me again to allow myself to grow attached.

Anyway, that's my emotions quota for the moth. Back to pretending I'm fine for other peoples comfort i guess.

[laura-the-locust]

This is my exact fear and what leads me to feel hopeless about my future.

I'm a NEET, my mother provides for me. I dropped out of high school after failing three times. As it currently stands, I spend my days reading fantasy books, playing games, and VCing with my friends and partners. I can honestly say that this is the happiest I have ever been in my 22 years of life.

And that's just the worry. Every day, I remember that I have no income, no money of my own. Every day, I remember this won't last. In a matter of a year at best, my mom will cut me off, or worse, her health worsens so much she can bo longer work, and I will be forced to fend for myself.

And I'm deathly terrified of even applying for a job. Because I once tried to have a job, and after three days there, I went to mental hospital to avoid committing suicide. Because everything i have ever heard about having a job described it as a chore at best, and a life draining, but necessary activity.

From here, I see two paths for when I lose my mom's monetary support:

- I go to a job. The job takes up half my day, and the other half I spend recuperating, leaving no time for me to enjoy the money I earn. No time to enjoy being alive. A fate worse than death.

- I don't go to a job. Money runs out. I'll most likely become homeless. Best case scenario, I live in a shelter in abject poverty. Worst case scenario, I go around begging, scavenging, or stealing, hoping to scrounge up enough resources to survive to the next day. Either way, a fate worse than death.

So, capitalism sucks. I know that. What the fuck am I supposed to do, though? I'm not cut out for revolution. If I could muster that much effort, I would have a job already. I don't fancy waiting around until others change the world, either.

My cold calculation leads me to believe the option that involves the least suffering is suicide.

But even that is a huge problem.

For one, as I mentioned earlier, I'm in the happiest time of my life. It's not perfect, but for the first time since I can remember, I have people and things to live for. I finally enjoy being alive, and now I have a sword of Damocles hanging over my head. The knowledge that this will all end, and I will either have to suffer for the rest of my life, or kill myself, is crushing. Like I got a terminal diagnosis. I feel like my days are numbered.

And also, there is the issue that it's not actually easy to kill myself. Even in my darkest moments, I wasn't able to actually attempt it. The worry I wouldn't be able to die, that the life of suffering until something finally kills me is the only option... it makes me feel powerless in a way I can't currently put into words.

That's the main feeling, currently. Powerlessness. There are no good options. I am doomed.

at the end of the day it's not that you hate your job - actually, you like working, you like routine, you like feeling like an adult - it's that any time you fuck anything up, you feel like you're fucking dying.

because you could be actually fucking dying. because if one day you wake up and you misunderstood something - you could lose your job, and nobody is hiring, and nobody is paying, and nobody takes people like you, and that job you want hasn't gotten back to you. and what exactly are you going to do without insurance? good luck with those meds. you should have thought of that before being a person.

so it's not just that you forgot to CC someone on an email, it's that if you don't have this job, you can't afford rent. it's not that you misread a comment, it's that if you get fired, you will be in massive amounts of unpayable debt. it's not that you are bad at your job, but here are the stakes as they have been decided for you: be perfect or fucking die. like, literally, die. that is how much safety net you have: none.

it's not burnout, technically. but you literally just had two typos in your work, and you're already picturing the ending. you want to throw up & curl up & make it all go away. it is two typos. if he decides he is mad at you, you lose literally everything.

your mom says that you seem stressed. the thing is that you have never known a job that isn't stressful. welcome to capitalism. there is no other road, only this one. what the fuck is a career. you come here, and we hold your life against the barrel of a gun, and somewhere someone is spinning the chamber and pulling. eventually the bullet will come.

you live in a mugging. your boss owns three cars and has four kids. you worry about having enough to feed your dog. good luck. beg for forgiveness. CC the right people next time and be grateful, kid. somebody has it worse than you. someone, probably, has it worse than you. so what if you can't sleep or eat or focus. your work chat sound literally makes you panic. you had to change the sounds of computer notifications so you'd stop having such an upset stomach.

welcome to the real world! the rat race! the dog eat dog circus!

your doctor studies the results and frowns at you. "it's bad for your heart," she says. "try to reduce your levels of stress."

[unspokenpaindiaries]

Unboxing The Pain

I'm in despair, standing at the darkest point in my life. Writing this letter provides a bit of relief. My hope is that sharing my story might encourage other women to recognize relationship red flags and have the courage to break free.

I am hurt, and I wish I could stop it. I am emotionally, physically, verbally, and financially abused and exhausted. There's hardly a day that goes by without me weeping my eyes out from crying.

The frustration of spending 18 years, half of my life with someone who repeatedly chose lies has left me feeling deceived and hurt. I poured everything I had into the relationship, only to be fooled, wounded, and left with nothing- financially and emotionally broke.

After I googled “how to die with sleeping pills”, I thought about what is life after death. Are we just another star in the sky? What about hell?  How about the insurance? Are they gonna pay for my kids' education? Random thoughts of the unknown clouded my mind. Then the faces of my kids that ditch the idea of suicide.

Honestly, how can I find the strength to recover and fight back the weakness that is swallowing my life. I am exhausted - in all aspects of my life. 

Every time he complains about my constant worries and nags, claiming he'll suffer until 2026 for debts incurred in his failed business due to his relentless drinking and gambling, it drives me insane. His confession about squandering seven figures and nearly a million in cash, while finding a way to escape his drinking problem, is beyond comprehension.

Coupled with receiving news of a bounced check for a business loan shattered me like never before. It was the breaking point. Alone, with no support system, tears flowed uncontrollably. What makes it so unbearable is he just disappeared for a two-day drinking session.

The thought of what I've put my children through added to the unexplainable pain.

How can I continue bearing the burden of everything while supporting the family? How do I aid the employees of the business with nowhere else to turn?

How can I continue paying for their education funds?

I've reached the pinnacle of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. Amidst all this, all I receive is blame. He carries on without any  burden of responsibility.

Last 2020, I founded and supported him to start a junk shop business despite his alcoholism, and being away most of the time at our house due to his drinking with his acquaintances. He would be gone for days.

He promised that he would step up and start helping me around with our finances. He would stop drinking and make himself busy with the junk shop business. Also, he will be helping with our finances so I can free up some time to spend quality time with my kids. 

I chose to believe his promises for nearly two decades, foolishly hoping for change. His commitment to helping me with finances and quitting drinking never materialized.

I settled down at 18 while he was 25. Over 18 years and four kids later, here I am as I looked back on the red flags early on.

Drinking, gambling, lack of responsibility and the empathy of the impact of his actions. I literally had to explain and argue why I needed help raising the kids. I had to kneel down just to emphasize how I need help because I am already extremely tired from work, household chores and managing the kids.

I'm now burdened with unimaginable debts, fighting to survive for my children's sake, pay bills, and keep the insurance. Keeping everything afloat.

I am worn out and left with nothing to give but my kids are my strength to carry on and start over. 

After almost two decades, I realized there are things that can't be fixed and it’s not my responsibility either. I chose to not prioritize myself, my kids and accept the situation as it is - and to face the reality that it is the time to let go.

I’ve been working hard to manage a stable business, securing a better future for my children, owning a family home, establishing a community dog shelter, and even pursuing a career as a lawyer. However, I've come to realize that I am doing everything all along with the wrong person -- with a narcissistic man,.

[backmaskedliedermacher]

The Genocide Thing

CW: Suicide, Genocide

This morning I saw a meme posted by a cis ally about trans rights. It is… disturbing and disquieting to me. I don't know where it comes from. It is one of those perpetually re-edited memes, the sort of thing people who make the memes I see on purpose. Innumerable auto-applied "credits" on top of each other turning the letters into an eldritch blur. A swole gray man - you can tell he's cis. If he was transmasc he'd be either be covering those things up or have had top surgery to reduce them. He's standing pickup truck flying trans flags with a sign saying "TRUMP LOST LOL".

Memes are about recontextualization, about taking things and moving them into a different context, and most of the memes I see, I'm happy about this, but seeing the "was/were pronouns" joke in this context is…

The whole meme is dependent on inverting the logic of transphobia. You call me a snowflake? No, you're the snowflake! You tell me facts don't care about your feelings? Guess what, facts don't care about your feelings either!

The logic of transphobia is genocide. At this point it's really clear to most trans people. We don't have recourse to inverting transphobes' logic. Behind the Bastards, last Christmas, did an episode with Margaret Killjoy on Nakam, a group of Holocaust survivors who attempted to apply the Lex Talionis to the German people. You kill six million of us? We kill six million of you!

Of course it wasn't going to work. Not because of the logistical difficulties but because people can't live like that. Humans are capable of lots of things. Wonderful and horrible, lots of things. To maintain that level of cold rage, for that long? The people in Nakam couldn't do that. I can't do that. Certainly no ally, no matter how committed, is going to commit to that.

The only other option - the one I know is true - is that they don't understand. One of my girlfriends yesterday was talking about the Jewish American Supreme Court justice Felix Frankfurter's reaction to being told about the Holocaust. His response was to say "I cannot accept what you are saying." The person telling him said, "After all I've told you, you don't believe me?" Frankfurter responded, "I believe you. I cannot accept what you are saying." (This is a parable, not history. I haven't verified this.)

I have a lot of privilege, but I don't, in this case, have the sort of privilege Justice Frankfurter did. I see the refugees. I have spoken to some of the intended victims. The allies, by and large, just don't understand. This makes it hard for me to talk to them. What am I to say? Thanks, could you and your swole husband do us a solid and make this genocide's pronouns "was/were"?

The reason it's not our obligation to explain is because, in many, many cases, we don't have the power to do it. We go door to door talking to sealion after sealion. It's soul-killing. Our lives our on the line and people don't listen. That's why we need allies. They can do it because they have the distance, it's not their lives.

But they also have a choice, a choice we don't. The consequences of the choices they're making right now… well, the genocide will continue until the people with the power to do so take action to stop it. Doing that isn't free, for them. They'll pay a cost to do it. Until and unless they do that, we're the ones who pay the cost. That cost is measured in our lives.

It is hard to explain, sometimes, to liberals why I think they are worse than conservatives. They don't understand. They think they are our allies, our friends, and here is how I will put it. When one of us is murdered, a lot of cis people will acknowledge that. They will hold vigils and say strong words and if enough of us die over a long enough time, maybe they'll even take action to stop us from being killed. When one of us commits suicide, though? When one of us commits suicide, it is our fault. People trot out the suicide statistics as an argument against transition, as if those of us who don't transition don't kill ourselves.

People will sometimes talk about how transition is a choice, and this is true. Trans people know it is true. I had a choice: Transition, or suicide. I chose transition. I am far from the only trans person to have faced this choice. Not all of us chose the same way I did.

Conservatives look at trans people and they regard us as abominations against their god and they kill us. Liberals tend to look at us as, essentially, abortions - they want trans people to be safe, legal, and rare. In other words, they create conditions that make transition nearly impossible, and then when we take the other option, the one we prefer not to talk about, they blame us.

This is why I hate liberals and do not hate conservatives. Both ideologies lead to the same effective end - genocide. Liberalism just does a better job at covering up the genocide.

[mutipede]

SO... this is all pretty simplified and I'm probably making it sound like it ties together more neatly than it really does, since personally I do a ton of double-bookkeeping ("I know that this is not realistically possible but knowing that doesn't prevent a core part of me from still believing it / it sometimes doesn't matter what I know is realistically possible when I'm questioning reality itself") and a ton of attempting to analyze my own thought processes and the possible reasoning behind things - all of that fluctuates, depending on how well I'm doing at a given time, and how much someone wants to trust my self-analysis when I'm using a fucked up brain to do the analysis in the first place hah, but - here's how I think it works for me, and my opinion on how it seems to be treated by others.

It's bad. It's terrifying. The alternative - and one that I had for years without ever actually realizing it was a different flavor of the same thing, because it never caused me any distress or interfered with functioning - is feeling like a zombie. It's like an "if I'm already dead but still sentient, then I don't have to be existentially terrified of the concept of death" (which I recognize could be dangerous for some people, but I've never been that impulsive overall, so lacking fear of death never made me put myself into life threatening situations, it just let me function with less underlying anxiety). Being in that mindset just makes me more comfortable and confident.

Cotards is the biggest one for me. I only relatively recently learned that it seems to have two major forms or presentations - when I'm under extreme stress or depression to the point that it triggers a psychotic episode, I don't feel like I exist. It's hard to explain when I'm not in the middle of it, since I can't fully capture the mindset to put it into words, and I'm pretty sure it'd be just as hard to explain while I am, since I don't know how much sense I would make to someone else at that time, but it's like...

And uhh - probably goes without saying but trigger warning for detailing delusional and suicidal thought process stuff here.

"I don't exist, I never have, my existence is an illusion, possibly because I already died and am in hell (despite not being christian or believing in the christian hell but y'know, delusion doesn't care lol), most people can't even perceive me (like Sixth Sense style) and those who can are either trapped in the same hell as I am, or are only allowed to perceive me in order to make me suffer somehow, and I should probably actually commit suicide since my existence is an illusion that I should attempt to escape"

I'm going to have to deal with one of the two one way or another. It's been a long-standing and consistent enough thing that I can't imagine being rid of it, and I don't think I'd be me without it, even if there were a "cure". In the "I'm a zombie" mindset I got through school, graduated with honors, got a job, have had some of the most genuinely content and happy times in my memory. In the "I don't exist" mindset I am nonfunctional. Seems like a no-brainer to me, which is healthy (comparatively. Healthy enough lol) and which isn't.

And I'm not sure about anyone else, it's definitely possible that others have more of a problem with it than I do, but... some random stranger on the internet isn't going to have THAT big an impact on my mental state. Someone trying to reality check me, whether from a misguided attempt to help or being a dismissive trolling shithead, isn't going to miraculously cure my complex lifelong mental illnesses lol. And inversely, connecting with others who have actually had similar experiences as I have doesn't really feed into harmful delusions or make new ones take hold - it makes me feel less isolated and that is incredibly helpful.

The impression I've gotten from the "you're delusional and that's harmful / dangerous" crowd has honestly been that they seem generally... young, without any psychological background or actual knowledge on how to deal with or help people experiencing severe mental illness - and either genuinely trying to do the right thing but misguided and misinformed, or more often, just wanting to distance themselves from "those crazy people because I'm not like them" but wrap that sentiment in the appearance of benevolence.

It's like people think that suffering from delusion or psychosis is somehow a choice, something that someone can be talked out of, or talk themselves out of, or that experiencing psychotic symptoms makes someone less intelligent - or like some kind of "you sound intelligent and can construct logical sentences and don't look like a psycho in a horror movie therefore you can't be delusional just snap out of it!" or fucking something, I don't know, it's irritating as hell lol. "Delusional" or "psychotic" are just used to dismiss everything someone says entirely, like having these symptoms invalidates everything else in someone's experiences. And "Just get help!" Like it's that easy, or that accessible, or that effective.

Anyways. For people who are genuinely concerned, I understand not knowing how to react or what would be helpful and not wanting to make things worse. I've felt that myself, it's understandable. But I don't think you can go wrong with either being generally supportive if you want to - liking a post, making a generally sympathetic comment, or just not engaging if you're not comfortable. Someone can do that without being dismissive or trying to shut someone out from community and support due to viewing their experiences and by extension them as inherently harmful.

Speaking of which. Alterhumans who experience delusions of any kind, I'd like to know your experiences with them - or at least, if you have any essays or resources you could share, I would like them.

My gut reaction when delusions are brought up as a reason why fiction/otherkin/etc are invalid or harmful is "this... doesn't feel right", but I don't have enough experience or knowledge to say why. In my opinion, I feel like psychotic experiences are treated unfairly in plural and alterhuman spaces. I don't know if this is always the case, it just. Feels like it is a trend. and i dont like it.

[miss-kittys-magical-library]

Someone Saved My Life

(Jack x Rin Davies, Pt 1)

Word Count: 3600

Warnings: nothing just intimacy, implied sex and a bit of angst thrown in for funsies

A/N: Jack takes Rin to the Yorkshire Moors for their first holiday together. After all they've been through together, they could use the time away. And yet their first night ends with the arrival of an unwanted guest. ((Totally didn't plan on writing anything let alone another story for the two of them. Was going to try to work on an Ivan story, but I tossed around this idea for months now, and it just felt right? Self indulgence is my new name when it comes to writing!))

Things weren't always perfect between Jack and Rin. Jack had days where he slipped back into isolation. The sadness would swell and he wouldn't sleep. Rin knew those were the times he was surrounded. Overwhelmed. And while he mostly ignored the dead, she could feel when they simply refused to ignore him.

They would come in droves and scatter about any room Jack was in. Crammed together like sardines in a can all shouting for messages to be passed to the living. Sometimes Rin would give him a wide berth, the death and decay crawled along her own skin. She would dress with every inch of her skin covered and attempt to sleep alone while Jack banished himself to the sofa. Those nights resulted in him exploding with anger and shouts of desperation to be left alone.

The guilt would wash over Rin. They're a couple, she would remember. Partners. Not just lovers and friends. You take the worst of one another as your own, and she could ACTUALLY do that for Jack. Letting him be was not a choice anymore, no matter what he believed.

Rin would go and gently talk Jack down into her lap. His thick mass of waves and curls against her bare thighs would be sweaty. He would curl on his side with a hand under legs instead of his cheek. His other by his mouth so he could anxiously chew on the already devastated thumb nail. She knew his eyes would be jammed shut.

Rin would brush the curls off Jack’s forehead with fingertips. Fingers that traced delicate and light patterns over his temples and cheeks where they wiped away tears as she hummed. Her thumb soft along his lips before they ran back up where she would press her index, middle, and ring finger into his temple. Then she would sing and fill his head with warmth and love to bring the light instead of death.

“Someone saved my life tonight..” And Rin would look up and around at them all. Her voice came out soft and full of affection. She would narrow her eyes in their direction. Silently chastising them all the while comforting Jack.

His body relaxed as she continued, “You almost had your hooks in me. Didn't you dear. You nearly had me roped and tied. Altar bound, hypnotized, sweet freedom, whispered in my ear. You're a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away..” Her hand would sweep in a wild gesture along the lot of them. He would be asleep, and she would be alone with the shock of the departed that they had another to see them.

As long as Rin connected with Jack he wasn't alone in his ability. They discovered that with Finch. Jack was the conjurer; Rin the conduit. A hundred years ago they would have been rich in the spiritualism movement. Now they were labeled mental and mad and stuffed full of chemicals, their gifts silenced.

Never again for either of them, Rin would hold back the dead so her love could sleep and get peace. When she interfered the protection emanated from her. They would stop shouting, stop begging, just.. stop. Rin would flick her hand like she was casting a powerful spell, her eyes set in determination. Then they would be gone.

Then there were times like this. When Jack closed up his shop with a sign that said “I'm on Holidays. Dunno when, I'm almost thirty and this is my first one.” He put himself and Rin on a train up to Yorkshire where they hailed a cab to what was theirs for the next month.

Rin gazed in delight at the two story stone cottage. It was covered in ivy and moss with a carved stone fence and a picket gate. There was a little English rose garden off to the side of the house, and wildflowers simply everywhere else. In the hills beyond stood grazing cattle and a pond. Behind the hills of Yorkshire.

“Oh, Jack,” it was just a breath that managed to escape her.

“D’you reckon it's alright?” he scratched his shaggy head. There was worry in his green eyes as he glanced towards his partner for approval.

Rin’s eyes met Jack’s, and she slipped her ungloved hand inside of his. Their palms together, she squeezed. “This is stunning,” she hoped to reassure him. Her gratitude and pleasure flowed from her body to his through her touch.

Jack had just bent to kiss Rin when someone interrupted them and cleared their throat. A feminine voice shouted, “Yoo hoo! Hello!”

The couple turned to see a stout, round faced cheerful old woman in the garden. She wore a wide brim straw hat, an old dress and an apron. Rin was reminded of a human Mrs. Potts as the elder smiled wide.

“Aren't you a delight!” she beamed. Making her way to the gate she stopped. “I'm Mrs. Barrow. My husband, Henry is round back in the barn. Oh it's been AGES since we've had newlyweds.”

Jack's cheeks pinked, but Rin giggled. “No. We're not married.”

“Oh, sinful little doves.” The old woman winked. “By the looks of him, I can see why.” She fanned herself dramatically and Jack now turned red. He scratched at his head even harder whilst his eyebrows disappeared in his hair.

“This is Jack, and I'm Wren. But you can call me Rin! Are you the caretakers? Is this your house? We're on our first holiday together.” The words tumbled out of the young woman before she could stop herself.

“Oh no, little Wren. Henry and I..” Rin had let go of Jack's hand to shake Mrs. Barrow’s. The moment she let go, the old woman disappeared. Rin gasped and turned to her boyfriend.

“She was telling us she and her husband did live here. Died from the Spanish flu a hundred years ago.” Jack gave a little shrug, but a tiny grin had crept into the corners of his mouth. “They love it here so much, neither moved on.”

Rin reached for him, and his hand covered hers. The old woman reappeared. “Sorry, Missus. I didn't know?”

She laughed heartily in response, “Sometimes Henry and I forget we're dead. Never had someone who could see us before. Let alone a couple. The moors are full of ghosts, mostly long gone. None of us here for a bother, especially since your beau here looks exhausted. Just popped in for a bit of cheek and a greeting. If you need us, give a shout ok?” Then she was gone.

“Why can't they all be like that?!” Jack almost shouted his question.

“Maybe we should move up here where they've had time to get used to it? The ones in Manchester are all.. fresh and selfish and confused.”

Rin pulled Jack towards her for a kiss. His tongue teased her for the briefest moment before he picked her up and carried her in his arms towards the cottage.

“What are you doing?!” she squealed.

“Dunno. Little biddie thought we’re married,” he leaned in to kiss her a few more times. He waggled his eyebrows, “Might as well act like it.”

“Jack, we just got here!”

“I've been ready since we woke up. We’ll have a shag then go out to the pub for a few pints and some fish n chips.”

“Romantic,” Rin rolled her eyes as Jack opened the door around her.

“Oh, you love me!” Jack set her down in the foyer then playfully slapped his girlfriend on the ass.

Rin jumped and bolted up the stairs before he could catch her. “I do!” she called down to him. “What's that vow? Till death do us part?” She started to strip her clothes off to her bra and panties. Her finger made a come here motion before she disappeared around a corner.

Jack's face fell, but only for the swiftest of moments. “Even then you wouldn't be gone.”

------

Rin snuck out of the bed as she so often did after they had sex. Mostly because it was the soundest Jack ever slept with his long limbs stretched out as if she wasn’t there. Or he would envelop her in his arms without a choice. And even though she understood Jack's desire to be with her constantly, sometimes Rin felt smothered.

Now she stood at the foot of the bed to watch Jack's breathing as his sternum rose and fell with a steady rhythm. He laid on his back, arm above his head in a languid position. The sheets barely draped across his hips to reveal the V shape of his pelvis and just a tuft of pubic hair. Rin’s eyes kept going until she felt her heart between her thighs and not in her chest.

“Go take a bath,” her brain scolded her. “Wash off the train and sex before you go out for dinner. You stand here any longer, you'll wake him up by straddling him.”

Rin’s body wavered. I mean, that was an idea. “BATH, ADERYN DAVIES!” At least her inner monologue didn't use her middle name.

Rin closed the door and turned on the hot water. She was lost in thought as it filled. How she and Jack developed a willingness to share their bodies with one another in the light. That she relished how their chests and mouths and skin dissipated into reciprocated emotions. Jack was addicted to it the way she could absorb him and switch places with him. Show him what it was like to be her. Empathy became his heroin.

Rin climbed into the tub and settled against the porcelain. She relaxed her mind and body until only her breasts remained afloat. She never took a bath. Not since her time in hospital when she and Jack met. Where the dead tried to drown them. But she and Jack saved each other.

Maybe because they were nearing the three year anniversary of that awful time, but Rin thought about it more these days. She held her hands above the water and ran her scarred fingers over the further damage she had done to herself. The long jagged line from her wrist to forearm. Usually she wasn't quite THAT bad off when she tried to commit suicide, and even now she couldn't remember what was her trigger that day.

“There's not even a word to describe how bloody melancholy suicides are when they come ‘round,” Jack would say. “Maybe desolate?”

“Did you ever try?”

“Not that I remember. Didn't wanna upset Emma. Always seems so messy. Guess maybe I was doing it slowly though, the way I lived. We're ok now, right?” he would ask and kiss her hand.

“We're diamonds, Jack,” she would respond, "Unbreakable.”

Now Rin knew he was in the doorway. It was hard to sneak up on her if you gave off too much emotion. Currently Jack was as warm and comforting as the water she floated about in.

“You alright?” his sleepy voice carried a trace of concern.

Rin looked up and back at him, her fingers still on her scar. “Yeah! Just thinking about us. This.”

The air shifted. A wicked grin played across Jack's face as he walked around the side of the tub. His naked body in full view. Rin’s face flushed and her heart raced, but she kept her composure on the surface as he stepped in to join her. His hands on her waist drew her into his lap. She threw her arms around his neck as they held onto each other tightly. Jack pressed his lips to Rin’s neck where he kissed a trail down over the curve of her shoulder.

“Jaacckk,” she whinged. “Come on I was sat here having a think, and you’re like a teenage boy with this!” She tried to hide a moan when he bent her back to capture her breast in his mouth. “Bless,” was her response.

“I can't help it!” he teased from between them. “I have so much lost time, and you’re so bloody sexy.”

“Will you put that thing away!” Rin’s voice was louder, but still had laughter in it. “C’mon Jack. This should be sweet and romantic. Somehow you always turn it into a porno.”

“I can't help that my,” Jack pointed his finger towards the water and whistled, “likes you. Loves you? Always wants to be in you.”

“Cock, Jack. It's called a cock. Shouldn't it be used to me by now? It's been almost a year.”

Jack stopped teasing Rin. He looked at her seriously now. Those green eyes seemed to search her soul as they moved back and forth over her face. “One year?”

“Yes.”

“I can't believe I had forgotten you all the time between..” his voice trailed off.

“It's ok,” Rin spoke softly.

Jack turned his bottom lip out, “Now I'm sad. So we should shag in this bathtub, then I won't be!”

Rin groaned for a long time after that. “No!! Sex in hot tubs or bath tubs or pools isnt the best. Water is a shite lubricant, trust.”

Jack pushed her away and feigned disgust. “Have you shagged in them before?”

“Once or twice.”

“With Roland?”

“What?! No! I told you we only had sex once. Then he left LITERALLY the next day. Why are you so weirdly jealous of him? It wasn't my first time. I've been with loads of men.”

Rin sat back again on her side of the tub. She reached for the body wash on a shelf, and started to use it on her arms and chest. Her eyebrow arched as if she was trying to challenge Jack to get angry at her sexual history.

Jack pulled his knees to his chest. “Are you hoping I get pissed that you've had sex with other guys? Of course you have, you're beautiful. Roland is just so.. Roland.”

“Fair play, but he has a gift like we do.”

“Ghosts and music. Worst super powers ever,” he mused.

Rin opened her arms and motioned Jack to settle in between them and her legs. He turned and laid down with his back completely pressed into her. She kissed his cheek then gestured for him to tilt his head back with her finger under his chin. Jack obeyed with his eyes closed.

Rin cupped water in her hand and poured it over his hair. She repeated the process a few times before he sunk down under the water. She marveled at how long his hair was when wet or straightened. At how long his arms and legs and torso were as he held on to her own knees that were drawn up around him. At how far he had come from the man drawn into himself high, on psych meds, with dirty fingernails and rough cheeks. Now he was open and present and relaxed in her arms.

“Birdie,” Jack started calling her that out of a desire to give her some kind of nickname. Love and darling and babe weren't enough.

“Jackie?” only Rin got away with that. She put some shampoo in her hand and lathered them together in front of their bodies before she dove into his hair.

“You're making me sad thinking about how poor I was when we met. You know, passing it from yourself to me without meaning.”

“What?” she was concentrating on massaging Jack's entire head. Her light fingers made circles and gentle scratches. Then they widened and she drew bigger circles. She didn't want to leave out one inch of his scalp.

“You're body, it's pressed to mine? You're passing along your thoughts without noticing because we're relaxed. But also, please keep doing that. Holy shit that feels nice.”

Rin kept on. She alternated from soft to a little harder to as much pressure as Jack allowed. He gripped her calf and ankles now wrapped around his waist. She used her thumbs to stroke his temples and rub across his forehead before going back to knead the rest of his head again.

Her attention back to reality instead of just on making sure Jack was cared for, she realized what had happened. “I'm sorry! Sorry. I can block it if you want?” She separated her body from his and unwound her legs. Jack held on.

“It's fine,” he reassured her. “Just let me mind your body too?”

Rin snickered, “You minded my body for about an hour already.”

Jack gave an annoyed smirk and rolled his eyes. “I mean like this!” he gestured towards her washing his hair.

“You can wash my hair. That would be lovely.”

“Why don't I..” he stroked his chin. Jack's eyes settled on the stuff she had spread out on the sink. “Shave your legs?”

“Blimey,” Rin whispered. “Really?” Her heart took to pounding in her ears. She eased him down into the water to rinse everything from him clean. “Jack that's very..”

“Intimate?” he was already standing to carefully choose what was her razor and shaving cream. He held them in her direction for approval.

“Actually, yes.” Rin nodded, “And yes. This is really different from shaving your face, y’know. I've got to trust you completely because that is a new blade, and I always nick a damn patch of skin.”

Jack sat back down in the water, placed the razor on the edge of the tub and lifted Rin’s ankle. He pinioned her foot to his chest and bit his entire bottom lip. She felt exposed, made vulnerable by this position. He was looking at the half of her naked body just below the water’s surface. The can of gel faltered as he shook it.

“Jack! You're shaving my legs, not my twat. Eyes on what you're doing!” Rin snapped her finger to catch his attention.

“I can do-”

“Keep speaking, and no sex for two days.”

Jack frowned but sprayed the soap on her shin. He spread it around from the ankle up to her knee before trying to go higher. Rin held up her hand, “Only strippers and sex workers shave that high!”

He snorted and continued on the back of her leg and made sure to get the back of her knee. She was especially ticklish there and jerked her body and giggled as a result. They both could be in trouble: Jack with a sharp object; Rin with the ability to kick him in the sternum if he wasn't careful.

“Better luck if you're facing away from me. You have to shave with the blades towards my knee. You best sit back against me like before.”

“Or,” Jack held the razor backwards with the head towards his wrist. His thumb on the grooved grip as he placed it delicately by Rin’s ankle. The handle was awkward in his large fingers as he took it gingerly and with the utmost of care upward. The blade made a path in the cream as he moved it up to her knee.

Rin inhaled as he did the same gesture again. She exhaled when the razor met her kneecap. Steady breathing with each swipe along her leg. The tip of Jack's tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated. He worked and focused and shifted her calf just enough to get the sides and the back. The only sound in the bathroom was the splish of water when he cleaned the blade after each path.

“Oh,” was all that left Rin’s mouth the entire time. Her eyes never left Jack's face while his own refused to break away from her leg.

“You alright?” Jack finally looked up at Rin just as he was getting a start on her other leg.

Rin shook her head with enthusiasm. Now her turn to bite her bottom lip before a giant smile crawled from ear to ear. “I'm grand! I love you.”

And just like he always did when she said that, Jack looked sheepish. Like he still couldn't believe that any.one would love him let alone a whole family of them. Rin. Emma. Billy. Jerry. They all loved him without condition.

“I love you too,” Jack smiled in kind. It reached his eyes in wrinkled skin in the corners of them. He made his way around his girlfriend’s other leg and realized something had grown inside of him. He was starting to care for himself.

So this is it, Jack thought as he finished shaving Rin’s legs, I think I love myself?

Before he could say anything the doorbell rang downstairs and scared the shit out of them both. They scrambled to their feet and started to dry off in a harried way. In the bedroom, they threw on clothes as the bell rang out again with more insistence.

“Can ghosts ring?”

“No! Not usually. BLOODY HELL WE’RE COMING!” Jack shouted as he rushed down the steps. He turned the light on in the foyer and opened the door. Rin couldn't make out anything but Jack’s shocked voice. “What the fuck are you doing here? You're two weeks early, mate.”

“She.. I should've.. Wren.. I lost my..” the words were broken up by Jack's body.

Rin made her way down and peered around Jack's shoulder. A tired, swollen eyed man stood on the front stoop. His hair was a curly mess; his goatee and mustache looked like a positive fright. She could tell he hadn't been sleeping much. It was the first time Rin had seen him alone in the last year. It was the first time Rin had seen him in PERSON in maybe seven in spite of all his promises.

“ROLAND?!”

Both he and Jack turned towards Rin and shouted simultaneously, “Surprise!”

tag @robertsheehanownsmyass @magic-multicolored-miracle @slutforrobbiebro @forenschik @super-unpredictable98 @bisexualnathanyoung @nightmonsters @rob-private @badsext @bwritesstuff @frogs--are--bitches

[sonjaohno]

Democracy in America

Hello dear friends and family,

October is off to a crisp start and I've been busy squirreling away at the library. It's already been one month since I arrived, which makes it high time for some reflection. I've been working hard to come up with clever answers to the question of "what my impressions are" mainly because (and a list of so-called impressions follows):

I thought Finns were insecure, with their country branding workshops and whatnot, perennially worried about what other people (read: the Swedes) think of us, but I can tell you, Americans are worse. In all the years I've lived in Berlin, not once has a German person (nor a Berliner—these are two completely distinct groups of people) asked me to tell them what I "think" about their country, or what my "impressions" are. Maybe they know better than to ask. Maybe they really don't care. Americans, on the other hand (including New Yorkers, though a similar non-equivalence exists here), cannot get enough of foreigners' interpretations of their country. I think it's because they genuinely don't know what to think about their country themselves and are waiting for somebody to tell them what the hell is going on here. So, what are my impressions so far?

America is home to some really great things. So far, my top three list is i) cinnamon-flavored chewing gum ii) hazelnut-flavored filter coffee (a mystery but a delightful one) iii) pecan-pumpkin-spice-flavored filter coffee (again, I don't know who came up with this or what they do to make coffee taste like a Hallmark card but I fuckin love it) iv) ditto, snickerdoodles (both the word and the pastry). Oops, that's four.

There is, however, clearly something wrong with a country that has to keep toothpaste under lock and key at the drugstore. I mean, toothpaste is expensive here—$5.99 for a tube, are you kidding me?—but it's still not exactly a luxury item. I literally have to ring a bell at Duane Reed to get an employee to open the toothpaste safe for a tube of Colgate. I wondered about this out loud to a New Yorker, who told me it's because the Duane Reed I went to is located at a "minor transportation hub," in the corner of W 110th and Broadway, which presumably means that this ludicrously wealthy Upper West Side drugstore frequented mostly by Columbia students and faculty is some kind of a crime hotspot. I should probably start carrying a gun.

Americans are loud. I feel like shushing people all the time, which makes me feel like a bad person. If anyone asked me to, I'd be more than happy to provide instructions for adjusting the volume of one's speech to different situations. It'd go something like follows: i) When outdoors, use what you would consider an "indoors voice." ii) When indoors, use what you would consider a "library voice." iii) When in the library, shut the fuck up. Pretty simple, huh?

The American economy would collapse if people stopped living on takeaway meals and coffees. I have never seen people so comfortable dishing out $20-50 per day for food they don't like and coffee they don't need. I mean, I'm not even able to get out of bed without several cups of coffee in the morning but I'd find it really hard to justify a $10 daily budget for iced-mocha-swirly lattes and another $10 for dumplings, when you can just pack a sandwich. The number of students able to afford this kind of lifestyle is just astounding. (This is Columbia, I am aware that the people without trust funds constitute a minority.) I feel positively frugal with my leftover lunches and thermos bottle of coffee (this week it's Donut Shop Roast, which disappointingly does not taste like donuts).

Americans like to think of themselves as libertarians and are famously opposed to state-imposed regulation—but I've never felt as regulated and rule-bound as I have here. It's just that the rules aren't handed down by government officials but by the various enterprises, including private businesses and universities (the latter is included in the former but deserves a honorary mention of its own), who would rather impose elaborate codes of conduct than leave people to their common senses and be sued when something inevitably happens. As one particularly pointless example, I have to complete an online covid-symptom checklist every morning before I'm allowed to enter campus—a "Daily Attestation," it's called—where I solemnly swear that I did not have a cough or a sore throat that morning, either. The only conceivable purpose of this useless exercise is to ensure that if somebody does show up on campus sneezing and wheezing their viral particles around, Columbia can't sued for not having done everything in its power to prevent the virus from spreading. Airing out rooms, though, is strictly out of the question—presumably because it's against some other rule designed to stop students from committing suicide by jumping out a third-floor window. As a person who is physiologically unable to follow pointless rules, I find this kind of self-serving, counter-logical box ticking absolutely infuriating.

It's not all bad, though. Yesterday I went to a Japanese jazz speakeasy around Midtown. We had to stand in line for about an hour, between a group of 17-year-old musical theater majors and 27-year-old jazz enthusiasts. The former were bursting out in spontaneous, perfectly synchronized song every few minutes, the latter were debating scales or keys or some such—I'm telling you, it was like walking into a badly-written scene of Glee. It was worth it though. At one point, during a several-minute-long drum solo, I experienced what can only be described as a moment of pure transcendence. People were all around me were yelling over the music and gesticulating wildly and, for a few seconds, time compressed to something graspable; a thing crackling with energy. An oceanic feeling is, in the words of turn-of-the-century mystic Romain Rolland, “a spontaneous … feeling of the ‘eternal’ (which can very well not be eternal, but simply without perceptible limits, and like oceanic, as it were).” If eternity can be found in a midtown basement, Manhattan can’t be all bad. (Below a video clip I took discreetly when entering.)

P.s. A friend of mine said that I should write an Alexis de Tocqueville -type report about my time in America, which explains the title of this post. For the literary agents and non-fiction editors reading this blog (jk, apparently it's my mum and three of her friends who read these entries—hi!!!), you can email me at sonjaohno at gmail dot com for a book deal.

[mamacleo]

"We don't want to be doing this either."

CW/TW: Frank talk about borderline personality disorder. Can be triggering.

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What did they give you?

Did they give you love? Did they give you respect? Did they give you support?

Did they give you abuse? Did they give you disrespect? Were you on your own?

If it's both? Unpredictable? Nearly random? And constant?

Imagine being in Marine boot camp. That for no reason you can grasp, either everyone hates you or you think they do. Imagine every expression of respect or support is suspect because you know it carries conditions that can cripple you. Because there is never any knowing if a good word hides a fist or a knife.

Imagine, too, that when you screw up, you will be physically hazed for you don't know how long, how hard, and it is random. What got praise yesterday can leave you bruised today. Or scarred. Heaven help you if they should get creative.

It comes with brainwashing. Always. Being told you deserve what you get. Your self-worth being dismantled with verbal violence. Always with the voice of rage. The sound of rage. You hear it coming before it arrives now. You are powerless to stop it.

There are no rules. There are no guidelines. There are no patterns. Any time, day or night. In your sleep. While you're eating. While you're resting.

Imagine being on guard for all of this all day, every day. Your amygdala, lighting up all day and feeding you nightmares at night. The constant short breath, the constant flow of adrenaline. Always assessing your surroundings in the vain hopes you might escape.

Now imagine that Marine boot camp lasting for twenty years.

How would you come out? What kind of a broken person would you be if you went into boot camp and it didn't end? Didn't stop? Worse than you imagined? You had no idea how long it would last? Every day, hoping it's the last, hoping there'll be a break, but there isn't and no one will tell you when it's gonna end.

Waking moment to sleep, then the nightmares. Lather, rinse, repeat. Twenty years. Maybe more.

Could you do it? Could you do it without committing suicide? Could you?

Would the Geneva Conventions allow us to do that to prisoners of war? Could we stand before The Hague and escape judgment?

What would you be like if you went into the Marines as a young adult and were trapped in it, no escape, no hope, and didn't come out until you were middle-aged? Two decades of this? Can you imagine this being done by the Marines and there not being a Congressional inquiry?

Could you do this to an adult human being?

It happens to children. Every day. Every, every day. By parents. Teachers. Relatives. Schoolmates. Clergy. Youth leaders.

The results of this are, for most victims, devastating. For most of us, we end up with this thing that psychologists tagged "Borderline Personality Disorder." That's what BPD is, not bipolar disorder, if you were wondering. The pathology of it is complex. It's brutally hard to cope with.

It's emotions ratcheted up way past 11. The best word I have for it is "operatic." Every cruelty is Carmen, every battle is Ride of the Valkyries, every terror is Don Giovanni. The pain, and it is an emotional pain so severe you feel it all over your body, is excruciating enough to make you scream. (At first.) I could tell you how it usually goes, but there is no usually goes. That's the horror of it. It's devious.

It knows you better than you do, because it's fueled by your subconscious and knows all the secrets you won't consciously admit to yourself. It will not hesitate for a heartbeat to use them to crush you, because believe me, BPD is all about destroying yourself. In your mind, you're just finishing the job the world started.

You're easily triggered. It can be anything. It can be nothing. You may not know what did it. It might hit like a shot. It might build up. It might come over you like a tsunami. Once it starts, you can't stop it. Not usually.

For instance: I have been showing borderline symptoms since I was about 11. I've been like this for 49 years. Only in the last two have I made the kind of progress to where I can now either divert or resolve the episode without the usual damage.

It wasn't easy. Though I didn't realize it until just this very moment, I used it against itself. I worked hard on this, obsessively, compulsively, for close to 40 years, and my progress is phenomenal.

All the fierce concentration, the operatic fears, the delusional thinking--I've gotten very, very good at it--and I still can't always stop it. I have strategies, but they don't always work. Every time is different.

Think about that. EVERY TIME IS DIFFERENT.

If you have not gone through it, you simply cannot imagine it. And the exhaustion. Oh, holy Hera, the exhaustion. You cannot imagine the crushing weight of a lifetime of this. It affects your physical health. People who don't have this don't understand, *it's cumulative.* And like arsenic, you can't flush it out.

The best you ever do is manage it. It's a life sentence. There's no escape. Your brain was hardwired to be like this. Like John Mulaney says, "We don't want to be doing this either." With work, and it takes a LOT of work, you can make it better.

But not everyone has it. Not everyone is strong. Not everyone is brave. Not everyone can make the right decisions. Not everyone can think clearly.

Most of us don't even realize it. I didn't until I was 58 years old and a shrink diagnosed me following a suicide attempt. How can you fix it when you don't know that it's there? Shrinks don't want to deal with us. We take work, exhausting work. We're hard to live with. They'd rather just medicate us, and not all of us respond to what few meds there are.

Now allow me to blow your mind.

THERE ARE TENS OF MILLIONS OF US.

We're "the weird kid." The dork. The manic pixie dream chick. The ones who hated ourselves so much it showed. That doesn't change. It never changes. There is no therapy, no counseling, no medicine that will ever get rid of that deep, tenacious rupture that is BPD self-loathing. The best you do is come to terms with it.

The stigma must end. It's difficult. We have a long road. It's only recently becoming known and there is a lot of fear of us. It's not unwarranted, either. People get caught up in our emotional storms and get hurt. Occasionally even physically. I will tell you hard things, but I will not lie to you: we have deeds to answer for.

Mine is managed, at last, but it still can't be controlled. I just spent a week in a particularly cruel one. And went into one last night. I got out, but the shadow of it will linger a day or two.

The best you can do is come up with strategies. That is something I can help others do now, and it is going to make everything that has gone before worth it.

[fifteenskies15]

Kanae's Precious Doll

(Yandere! Kanae Kochō x Reader)

Summary: Kanae Kochō had never developed a romantical interest to her fellow pillars, but when (name) joined the ranks, it all changed... Kanae tend to get whatever she wants and she'll most definitely do anything to keep you herself.

Trigger warning: mention of necrophiliac, disturbing themes, sadistic Kanae, and mention of reader committing suicide by drowning.

Note: Mention of Sanemi and Mitsuri having a crush on reader

Admin's note: Oh my, oh my, a first fic of Kanae, this is all for you my fellow Kanae stans, fair warning that this fic consist a lot of disturbing themes and not compatible for you who had fragile soul, so please tread lightly and also this is rushed also it's long, I'm so sorry if you don't like it.

----

Oh what a good day today! Yes it is indeed a good day!

Kanae hummed a happy song as she make her way to Butterfly estate, the other slayers look at her slender and slim figure along with her long, beautiful black hair swayed by the wind in awe of her beauty.

"She looks awfully happy today"

"Well she's just succeeded in her mission of course she's happy"

"She's beautiful when she smiled like that"

"Whoever her lover is, they must be very lucky to have a beautiful lady like her"

Kanae overheard what they said, her smile goes more sweeter, of course, they were right, a certain person is extremely lucky to have faithful, loyal and loving girl like her.

Yes, you're very lucky indeed...

"Shinobu, Kanao! I'm home!" Her melodious voice said as she took off her zori sandal, Shinobu then greet her and bow her head respectfully at her "Welcome back, Nee-san, I hope your mission goes well today"

"It is~ How's Kanao doing?"

Shinobu shrugs and sighed wearily "Still same as ever... She hasn't eat her food yet"

"Oh my~ well, I'm sure she'll get used to it soon, have a patience, Shinobu~" she said as she affectionately ruffled Shinobu's hair, "Speaking of which, how's my beloved (name) doing?"

There's a smallest gleam of fear in Shinobu's face, but she immediately regained her composure "She's/He's doing well, nee-san" Kanae beam happily and clapped her hands "Waah~ that's good to hear! Excuse me, Shinobu, I must see her/him at once" Shinobu nods and step aside as she just watch her sister's back with a sigh.

"... Nee-san..."

"(Name), my darling! I'm back! Today's mission is a great success!" She said as she took off her haori and put her sword away "I managed to kill the demon and everyone is so very happy! It warms me to see them smile, don't you think it's great to see them so Happy, (name)?"

You were just sitting there in your (F/C) kimono and your hair done, your blank (E/C) eyes just staring at the ground, Kanae giggled and hugged you "Oh, I know you're happy too, my little butterfly! After all people smile shows that our efforts are worth it!" Kanae sighed happily as she settles herself on your lap.

Her nimble fingers traced around your neck and collarbone, smiling as she could feel your porcelain like skin against her fingertips "I'm elated that I could spend my time with you again, I have missed you! And now I'm happy that I can be in your arms again"

She sighed once more and snuggled closer "My love, doesn't it feels like yesterday we met?"

...

...

Two years ago...

"(Last name) (name) we're happy to know that you're enjoying our rank as a pillar! I look forward to work with you!! The flame pillar Rengoku Kyojuro said with a beaming smile on his face as you smile gently at him.

"Thank you, Rengoku sama, I'll look forward to work with everyone of you" a woman with long pink hair smiled and hugged you "AHH! You're so beautiful/handsome! And also you're nice! I hope we can be friends!"

You chuckled warmly "I'm sure we will, miss...?"

"Kanroji Mitsuri! It's great to meet you!"

"Likewise, Kanroji sama"

You then spot beautiful woman next to wind pillar eyeing you like she's looking at the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, you smiled warmly at her "May I help you with something?"

The woman blushed lightly and smiled "Ah, no, I think I'm just flustered to see such a beautiful woman/handsome man in front of my eyes"

Oh my! Did I just said it out loud?!

You stare at her unbelievably before you laughed warmly, the pillars thought your laugh is melodious so they stare at you with a slight blush on their faces, "A bold one aren't you, miss...?"

"Kanae, Kochō Kanae"

"Nice to meet you, Kochō sama"

Kanae smiled and blushed and tucked the strand of her hair behind her ear "Oi! I'm still standing here, (breathing style) pillar!" The wind pillar Shinazugawa Sanemi said, you looked up at him with a smile "I'm fully aware, Shinazugawa sama, are you jealous that Kochō sama got more attention than you did?"

You could hear Uzui letting out a whoop, Sanemi sputtered as he blushed and looked away "It's nothing like that!!"

You just chuckled at him and patted his arm and turn your attention to Kanae "I'll look forward to see more of you, Kochō sama"

Kanae's heart beating so fast as you smiled at her and she felt her face getting warmer, she never felt such things as this.

"I sure hope you will"

Kanae had never felt something like this to someone else before, is this how it feels to be in love? Her heart beating so fast, her beautiful face were streaked with nice shades of red and she felt like she's smiling like an idiot.

(Last name) (name) is a delightful pillar...

Lovely, kind, clever and compassionate...

Kanae loves (Name)

And (Name) must love Kanae too.

A surge of possessiveness and obsessiveness blooms in Kanae, she watched as you were smiling and laughing with Kanroji and Shinazugawa, why, her heart feel stings...

...

Her light purple eyes glared maliciously at the two pillars who just made you smile, the usual gentle Kanae suddenly replaced by a possessive and violent Kanae...

"Kochō sama, Kanroji sama and I are going to get some sweets, you want to join us?" You offered her with a smile on your face, Kanae counted in her mind as she smiled to both of you and Kanroji

"Why, of course!"

...

...

...

...

It's been a months since (name) joined the rank as pillar...

At night, Kanae can't keep (name) off her mind, she was wide awake and looking at the ceiling as she hallucinating your warm and gentle smile, and your melodious voice.

"Ah, (name) you're such a beauty"

Her mind wander about the thought of you and her living together as married couples, wives/husband and wife slaying demons together, side by side... Encouraging each other... Morning kisses...

Ah, what a wonderful thought.

Kanae sighed dreamily as she hugged her pillow, imagining you laying next to her

"Hmm, hmm (Last name) Kanae or Kochō (name)? Or combined? Kochō-(Last name) (name)... It sounds beautiful too"

She giggled as she thought of you had her last name or yours with her name.

Kanae sat up from her futon and looked at the full moon.

Luna...

Luna equals Lunatic...

Kanae's usual warm eyes turned empty with a streak of craziness and obsessiveness as a twisted smile cracked on her beautiful face.

"Ohh (name), how I long to hold you in my arms"

She giggled and looked at the moon again

"My love, one day soon, I will... Make. You. Mine..."

...

...

...

...

Awry and anxious that's what you feel recently, you don't know why, but you could feel a pair of eyes are always watching you, you were just sitting under the birch tree to relax after today's mission, but sometimes you still can't get rid of the feeling of being watched.

"What on Earth..." You mumbled as you look around and to see no one was there, you just lay down and close your eyes for a while until two familiar voices call out to you

"(name)-san!!~" you sat up and to see Kanroji and Shinazugawa approaching you, you smiled as she hugged you "Hello to you too, Kanroji sama" the pink haired girl just smiled and grab your hand, you looked up at Shinazugawa who just saying a simple "Yo" at you, you smiled at him in response "So what's up, you two?"

"Hmm, nothing much~ but we would like to take you to a nice teahouse in the city! How about it?? You, us, a cup of tea and plenty of delicious sweet? Besides you deserve a treat after today's mission!"

"And we won't take no as an answer" Shinazugawa said looking away with a slight blush on his scar face, Kanroji huffed and glare at the wind pillar "Don't force her/him, Shinazugawa San!" You giggled at both of them as you dusted off your uniform "Well, I don't have anything much to do, so why not?"

Kanroji squealed and take both of your and Shinazugawa's hand "Brilliant!! Now let's all be off!" You share a look with Shinazugawa and just chuckled at each other

Somewhere, Kanae watched as you and Shinazugawa share a warm smile together, she clenched her fist and glared at the wind pillar begrudgingly.

He shouldn't be the one to be smiled at....

Her knuckles turn white as she saw Kanroji hugged your arm with a smile on her face

Just because she's the love pillar doesn't mean she had rights to love you...

A warm tears threaten to spill out of Kanae's beautiful eyes, she couldn't breathe as she saw you and Shinazugawa being "friendly" to each other, her heart breaks as she saw you and Kanroji smiling and giggling to each other, she can't take it any longer so she ran back to butterfly estate.

Once she came back, she locked herself and cried, even when her sister asked her if she was okay, it's as if her ears turned deaf, when she run pass the butterfly sisters, it's as if she was blind because all she can see is you and only you and even the ugly picture of either Shinazugawa or Kanroji or worse, BOTH of them manage to win your heart, which was supposed to be hers.

"Nee-san! Nee-san!! What happened?! Please open the door!"

But Shinobu's concerned voice were replaced with other voice.

"I'm so sorry Kochō-sama, my heart belongs to another..."

Please, Don't go!

"She/he belongs to me, Kanae-chan..."

No, no!! She's/he's mine!

"Face it, Kochō, there's no way you can win, (Name)'s heart, try harder"

SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!

"...Goodbye, Kochō-sama"

"NOOO!!!" she collapsed and sobbed as she clenched her heart "No..no..." Slowly but surely Kanae's eyes flutter close and fell asleep due to exhaustion

...

Only a half of hour later, Kanae woke up, slightly haunted, she had bad dream of you left her for Shinazugawa and Kanroji and the sick smile on their faces...

Kanae clenched her fist, her eyes looked at her sword, she unsheath it and see the reflection of her empty purple eyes, she closed her eyes and take a deep breath.

One of the rule in demon slaying corps; never use sword against each other...

Kanae always obeyed the rule, she always has, but this time it's different "Forgive me Oyakata-sama, but I'm doing this for love..."

"thanks for hanging out with me! It was really fun to spend time with you two!" You said smiling brightly at the two pillars, Kanroji smiled and blushed as she played with her hair "Ehehe, We love spending time with you too"

Shinazugawa just looked away a blush on his face "You're okay, I guess..." You smiled at them and hugged him "You're okay too, Shinazugawa"

Shinazugawa malfunctioned.

"Eep! I want hugs too!" She said as she hugged both of you, you giggled at them and parted the hug "Alright, it's time I call it a day, good night, you two!" You said as you walk back to your estate.

Kanroji sighed dreamily "(name)-san is such a darling..." Shinazugawa just scoffed "She's/He's nice I guess..."

"She/he is, does she/he not?" The two pillars jumped as they saw Kanae with her usual smile "Damn it, Kochō, are you trying to give us heart attack?!" Kanae just raised her eyebrows, feigning innocence, "I apologise, Shinazugawa-san I tried to call both of you but you and Kanroji-san did not hear me"

"Oh! Sorry Kanae-chan, we don't know!"

Kanae just smiled as in understanding that, while Shinazugawa, knows the flower pillar didn't even call after him and the love pillar, he eyed Kanae suspiciously.

"So what is it do you want?"

"Oh, I was wondering if we all could talk, in somewhere secluded"

The two pillars looked at her, perplexed "Well, anything for you, Kanae-chan!" Kanroji said as she start to walk along with Kanae, meanwhile, Shinazugawa just follow them with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Once they're arrived at a field...

"So what is it you want us to..." Before Kanroji continued, Kanae unsheath her sword and point it at Kanroji's throat "K-Kanae-chan...? What...what are you doing..."

"Oh, it's nothing~ just to warn you both to not get too friendly with my lovely (name)"

"Wh...what do you mean??" Shinazugawa immediately get Kanroji behind him and glared at the other female "Your lovely (name)? What the hell, Kochō?! Are you threaten to kill us because of (name)?!"

"Shinazugawa, I ask that you don't say her/his name, what gives you right to do that?" Shinazugawa recoil as Kanae pressed the tip of her blade on his throat "Kochō, you seriously violated the rule of demon Slayer corps just because of (name)?! You're sick!"

Kanae pulled her sword away and laughed, but she didn't laugh sweetly like she always did, it sounded... unnerving.

"I'm sick?! I AM SICK?! Tsk, tsk, that's rich, coming from you" she put her sword back in her sheath, "Anyone would do anything for love do they not? And what I did is a prove of my undying love for her/him! Violating the rules for (name)? I would do that with no hesitation! Killing you both and the rest of the pillars? It would be my pleasure! And turning into a demon?? Yes! I would do that for (name)!"

"Kanae-chan, please snap out of it!! That's not how loves works!!" Kanroji said with tear in her eyes, Kanae glared at her causing her to wince "You don't know anything about love, Kanroji-san, an this is your last warning both of you... Get close to (name)... I will not hesitate to hurt you or hurt someone you love"

Kanroji said what seems to be "Not Iguro!" Under her breath, Shinazugawa even know she had capability to hurt Masachika, gritting his teeth and hating the thought of Kanae hurt his best friend irked him a lot he almost do something he'll regret.

With heavy heart, Shinazugawa cast a withering glare at the woman "Fine...we won't...we won't go near (name) again as long as you keep your word..."

Kanae smiled brightly and clapped her hands "I knew you would understand! Of course I wouldn't hurt those who you care about!" She then struts away purposely bumping her shoulder with them and whispered "Unless you disobey, then say goodbye to your loved ones" she giggled as she head back to butterfly estate.

Kanroji then burst into tears, Kanae's threat had impact on her and that goes for Shinazugawa too, the man had his heart broken when he thought that someone he had feelings on is going to fall on the hand of a lovesick pillar, he also hate the thought Kanae hurt his only friend, he clenched his heart and grit his teeth.

"(Name)..."

"Forgive us..."

...

...

Today, you're in gloomy mood, it's almost a month since you hang out with Kanroji and Shinazugawa, and all of a sudden they give you a cold shoulders, you don't understand, why? Why would they avoid you? Did you do something?

"(Name)-san? Hello? Is everything okay?" You looked up at Kanae, she's have always been around you lately, she's been there when you're sad and down, you just sigh and shook your head "I'm okay, Kanae, just...still sad with the fact that Kanroji and Shinazugawa have been avoid me lately" you say as you walk along with her, tonight you and Kanae are having a nightly stroll which is a thing you do everytime you need to clear your mind, and you invite Kanae since her presence comforts you.

Or so you thought, sometimes there's something bizzare about her, you couldn't just put a head or tails about it.

Kanae place a comforting hand on your arm before she leans in and hugged your arm "Everything is going to be okay, (Name), you have me don't you?"

"Well, I know but..." You sighed for umpteenth time "I just miss them, you know?" Kanae stayed silent when you said you missed the wind and love pillar, all that and you still miss them?

"Oh but, (name) I'm here for you" she said looking up to you with a smile.

Now you know what's wrong with her...

Her smile...

It's not warm nor genuinely sweet, it was sickly sweet... it's unsettling and unnerving.

"K-Kanae, I think that's enough for tonight, how about we call it a day?" Kanae raised her eyebrows and tilted her head "Why? We've been here only for a minute"

"I just...um..." You don't know why your instincts told you to run, somehow you can hear Kanroji and Shinazugawa voice saying "Run!" Inside your head, out of reflex, you yank your arm off her and start to bolt off.

"(Name)? What's wrong? Why are you running from me?"

You ignore her as you keep on running aimlessly with Kanae tailing you, now that you think about it, she always acting odd, she's always too close to you, and seem to always cling on you everytime and too much that it nearly invade your personal space.

Also the feeling of you being watched by someone? You realized that Kanae has been watching you all the time, she seems always around you with no reason and now...

Lastly...she always looked uncomfortable everytime you're with the other pillars and drag you away from them, could she be the reason why Kanroji and Shinazugawa avoiding you?

"(Name)?~ (Name)? Why are you running, dear? Are we playing hide and seek in this forest now? Fufufu"

Her voice calling out to you runs a chill down your spine, by the Gods, she lost her mind...

You didn't respond and just keep running, panting and your heart beating like crazy, you never feel this scared, what happened to that graceful and elegant flower pillar you knew?

"(Name), dear (name)~ I really wanted to hug you now~ where oh where could you be hiding?" She giggled as you could hear her rapid footsteps, she's hot on your heels "Don't be scared, my love, your darling Kanae just want your arms around her"

"She's obsessed of me, Gods, I can't believe this..." You thought as you run, your mind wander over Kanroji and Shinazugawa, hoping that they would save you now, but it's impossible.

You realized that you're nowhere to run, ahead of you, there's a big lake, you gulped as you hear Kanae's voice getting louder"

"(Name)~ please be a dear and come back to me, you know you can't hide forever, right? Hehehe"

You looked at the lake, the thought of you drowning in the suffocating cold water scared you but...

Death is better than spending a miserable life with someone obsessive and lovesick like Kanae...

With that you drown yourself in the lake, it hurts, it really hurts as water fill your lungs, your vision start to fade away and it's hard to breathe...

And the last thing you see is the smiling faces of two pillars you care about.

Kanae arrived at the lake and looked around as she hums "(Name)~ I know you're hiding somewhere" she looked around the trees and bush while constantly said "not here" and "where could you be?"

Her eyes then caught a lifeless body floating on the lake, her eyes widen when she realized it's you.

"(NAME)!!" She run towards the lake and dragged your lifeless body to the dry land, you were already a goner... The color of your skin has disappeared and there's no more sign of life, Kanae wailed and embraced your dead body "Why? Why would you do this?!" She cried against your chest, mourning over your death.

She looked at your face with tears in her eyes, but then her sadness replaced by something close to admiration, she then traced your face with her fingers, feeling your cold skin as a smile slowly spread on her face.

"Beautiful..." She then cupped your face and smiled "My Gods, even though you're no longer alive, you're beautiful, (name)..."

You're too beautiful to let go.

So Kanae decided to do something to keep you and your beauty stays forever, "(Name), I will make your beauty last longer, and not only that we're going to be together forever too!" She giggled happily as she carried your body to butterfly estate.

Needless to say, she secretly preserve your body along with Shinobu's help, the girl was surprised and don't know what to say when she came with your lifeless body and ask her to help her sister to do her job and keep her secret.

And to keep it, the flower pillar lied to the others by saying you were gone missing so that no one's suspicious of her.

"Ah, those were the days" Kanae said playing with your hair "And now, I'm just happy that you and I are going to be together till the end of the time" she said sighing happily and look at your blank, empty (E/C) eyes "Oh now! Don't be sad, I won't go anywhere! I will be by your side today... tommorow and..."

She giggled and hugged you.

"...Forever!"

And this is your fate now, whether you're dead or alive, You belong to Kanae and only Kanae.

Because you're her precious doll...

----

Admin 15: Whooo, I'm glad I managed to finish this after I abandoned this for like, idk, weeks, I guess, and I still had unfinished Mist route draft to finish, anyways, thanks so much for reading, I apologise for the errors in the story here!

[lycienne]

Idea for a Jacob/Staci fic

Jacob still has Staci captured, but doesn't condition him or anything. At first, he's just confined to a room (maybe even one with an arcade) gets regular meals ect. When Staci promises Jacob that he won't run away he becomes kind if Jacob's assistant. Staci follows him everywhere, taking notes, commands some of the lower level soldiers when Jacob has no time for that, runs errands which doesn't involve leaving the Veterans Center's grounds.

Somewhere along that way they become attracted to each other. Jacob is happy having someone around who has his own mind, doesn't just follow his orders, who isn't just grossed out by him and most importantly isn't related to him. Staci is stubborn and rolls his eyes when Jacob starts again with his religious ramblings and is the only one to point out that Jacob doesn't even believe them himself. But he's clever enough not to cross a line since Joseph has his spies everywhere.

Staci on the other hand is happy that Jacob respects him, treats him well (compared to what he has heard about Hudson and Burke) gives him a certain amount of freedom. Jacob protects him from jealous cultists who don't like the idea that a "prisoner" gets more access to a herald than they get (Jacob even shot one of his chosen who attempted to kill Staci, and proceeded to yell that anyone else trying to commit treason would face a much harsher punishment).

Later, Jacob would take Staci with him when meeting with his brothers and Faith, much to their surprise. He justifies it by saying he needs someone to check that Faith doesn't but any Bliss in his food and drinks, that he doesn't trust his soldiers enough to keep Staci safe while he's gone. Staci is a hostage after all, and if one of his soldiers might "accidentally" hurt or kill him they might lose an important gambling point to the resistance which so far has maintained a low profile in the Whitetail Mountains compared to the other regions of Hope County.

The fact that Jacob just likes having Staci around conveniently falls under the table. When time goes by, Jacob relies on Staci, who has proven himself loyal to him (and be it only to save his life) more and more. Since Staci is around Jacob at almost all times, it's inevitable that he witnessed a PTSD breakdown, most likely when they are alone finishing some documents for Joseph after a hard day of training new recruits.

It's the first time Staci sees Jacob cry, apologizing to some guy named Miller, and cursing over and over again that he just wants a normal fucking life. Staci tries to comfort Jacob by awkwardly padding his back, but it doesn't take long for Jacob to pull him into his lap and hug him like Staci is some kind of teddy bear replacement. Staci just let's it happen, hell he even hugs Jacob back, he just can't stand the sight of the person who has had so much mercy on him crying. Shortly after that Jacob tells Staci everything. There's news out that the rookie deputy has killed Faith and is moving to his region next, for some reason sparing John.

Jacob wants Staci to know that he (Jacob) has to die to fulfill his brothers prophecy,that his life doesn't matter, that Staci has to flee to John's region once he's dead, so he can be saved. And God, how Jacob wants Staci to be saved. If anyone deserves to walk through Eden's Gate, it's him.

Staci of course is furious. He knows that Joseph is manipulating Jacob and he knows that Jacob knows he's being manipulated by his brother. Jacob is a monster, maybe even a psychopath (although Staci doesn't believe that for a second) and Staci did his hardest in trying to hate him, but it didn't work. Both of them have danced around each other for so long it's almost heartbreaking. And Staci snaps. He walks over to Jacob, pulls his head down and kisses him. Tells him Jacob won't him to sacrifice himself, that he will stop him, no matter the cost. Jacob doesn't know if he should laugh or cry and decides just to kiss Staci back as if his life depended on it.

A few weeks later that theory should be tested, as Rook has come to kill Jacob while he and Staci where patrolling the area. Jacob went alone went the first noticed Rook, telling his chosen to restrain Staci until he came back (not that Jacob was planning to return, since he was aware that the time to fulfill his brothers prophecy had come). For the first time in years Jacob prays to God, thanking him for his time with Staci and begging him to keep Staci safe should to collapse really come.

Staci, on the other hand, struggles and finally breaks free out of the chosens's grip, just to run after Jacob. He finds both Rook and Jacob on a nearby hilltop pointing guns at each other. That God nobody is hurt yet, but how things are going, that's only a matter of seconds. At some point Staci thinks he's getting suicidal, too, when he steps between the two. Both Rook and Jacob are startled since they were so caught up in the chase they didn't even realize Staci was coming.

That's the dumbest thing he's done in his life, Staci is sure of that, but he can't just have Jacob sacrificing himself, not here, not yet, not ever. Despite what he has done. There's a curious disconnect in Staci's brain between Jacob the herald and Jacob the person. Jacob the herald might be a monster, evil, a psychopath and everything else people say about him, but Jacob the person isn't. Jacob the person is a soldier who wanted a family to come home to, who's happy when he has people to protect who love and cherish him or what he does, who spends hours hunting just to find the perfect animal for his brother to stuff.

When Staci dares Rook to shoot him to get to Jacob, all three of them are shocked. Rook, because he couldn't believe his colleague would risk his life for a certifiable monster, Jacob, because Staci actually managed to escape his chosen and tries to protect him with his life rather than running straight into the arms of the resistance and finally Staci, because his brain caught up with his actions.

Rook was the first one to come to his senses, shouting for Staci to get out of the way, get somewhere safe, "until that problem is solved". He doesn't physically move or try to get Staci away from Jacob though. Staci knows at this point it's all or nothing. In seconds Jacob will awake out of whatever stasis he's in and shove him out of the way. Staci wants to explain everything but theres no time, so he acts. He turns around and kisses Jacob with all that he's got. All that he wants to say in one action. Are here tears on his face? Staci doesn't know, doesn't care. Either he and Jacob both survive the next seconds, minutes or they don't. It's simple as that. "I'm sorry Rook, I love him, I just love Jacob", is all he manages to say and he means it. Staci doesn't even realize it's the first time he confessed his love to Jacob.

At that moment the world suddenly starts to move again. Jacob grabs his hand and runs. Through the forest, away from Rook. Staci faintly hears shouts and gunshots in the distance, but he doesn't care. He runs and runs and runs next to Jacob until they arrive in one of his hiding places. "We have to talk to Joseph", is all that Jacob says between hastily shared kisses full of love and desire. When Staci asks him later why, his only answer is "because I want to live". For some reason that makes Staci happier than anything else.

It's only been two days and they're on the way to John's bunker to meet with Joseph, since John's ranch had been taken by the resistance and Joseph's compound had been abandoned by the time the reaping started. Jacob and Staci have barely set foot in the bunker when the bombs drop. The Peggies are quiet. Staci is quiet. John and Rook, who stand next to each other for some reason Staci doesn't want to know, are quiet. "I was right", Joseph says into the silence, "I was right".

During the following days Staci learns q lot if things. That Rook took so long to take Faith down and get to him was John's fault, for example, because he wouldn't stop messing with Rook, in ways Staci didn't want any further explanation.

Staci also learned from Rook that it wasn't some God who decided to punish humanity, but that WW3 just happened, and Staci wasn't sure which was worse. Either way, he punched Joseph right in the face during one of their "family dinners", for making all of them suffer so much. Jacob wasn't pleased but Staci didn't care at this moment.

The last thing that Staci learned was that all of the Seeds bunkers were connected and that radio transmission was still possible. That meant two things: he could contact his still lost colleagues he learned fled to a bunker called "Wolf's Den" and that a sizable number of people survived the bombing. For the first time in his life he was happy preppers existed.

And after everything, Jacob was alive, he was alive and his friends were alive. That was all that counted in this moment. Staci didn't now what the future would look like, he just was happy that he could share it with Jacob.

PS: If anyone wants to use this plot go for it, I'd be honored (Just tell me before because I'd read the heck out of that). I just love the idea of Jacob and Staci having a relationship that doesn't involve torture or brainwashing or conditioning. Both my babies deserve better than what they got.

[tooktoolongtogetthis97]

Personal Shit that You Don't Have to Read

What's the point anymore?

Everytime I try to make something go right or even just try to do something, I either fuck it up or just get further behind which just makes me more and more depressed/mentally ill.

I'm so far behind in my classes, feel like I'm a shitty teacher/lifeguard/friend, and have no motivation or energy to fix it as much as I may want to.

I was supposed to submit a project which I've barely started on Friday and just missing assignments for my classes. I'd be surprised if I don't fail a class this semester. Most people know but I'm student teaching right now and I had to teach a 3 day lesson sequence (actually what that project is) and at the end I had to give a quiz which the class average was a 67 which in the district I'm teaching in is just a F (70 is a D) which means I failed my students. I also had a student write on the top of her quiz that she didn't feel prepared/comfortable taking the quiz about 2 out of the 3 main activities were completely unhelpful (not including our class discussions although I doubt those seem to help her too since she missed questions on the quiz that were learned in the discussions).

When it comes to lifeguarding, I feel like why am I even doing it? Just today at work I didn't quite get a bandage wrap right for a girl who needed it and one of my HGs had to redo it. Sidenote: I was working with 2 of HGs because we are so bloddy understaffed that we have like no regular lifeguards that can work A, B, or C shifts so HGs have work LG shifts if possible or we're just short and stuck on stand for hours. I'm also good at some LG skills but are utter shit with others like stride jumps and back boarding out a passive victim. I know it's why we practice at inservice but it doesn't help me feel like embrassassed when I fuck up. [Inservice is a monthly meeting where we go over what's going on in the facility and skill and also practice skills]. I also tend to go to the first inservice meeting of the month and found out that my supervisour is going to start having sign-ups and if less than 5 people sign-up for one, it's not going to happen. Well twice in the last 3 months, it has only been me and 1 kid who went which means those are going to start being cancelled. Well the issue is that the other meeting is on a Sunday night and I can't do Sunday nights, I have other commitments like I play in my church's handbell choir. It's not fair...

I have been in such a terrible mental state that as caused me to be a shitty friend. I want to help so bad but I can't work through my own shit... I feel terrible that I can't help them properly...

Physically, mentally, and emotionally I've been a fucking disaster. Physically I got sick from my students 2 weeks ago and still stick. I've also been in absolute constant agonizing pain everywhere. Based off of some medical ads I've seen (because they're fucking everywhere), there were some for fibromyalgia and as I kinda relate to the symptoms they were discussing so I looked it up and there is a chance I may have it. Obviously not self diagnosing myself, but it's something I'm definitely concerned about and will have to talk with my doctor with (if I can get myself to call the practice to set up a physical exam appointment that I need anyway). Emotionally I've been much less able to hide my feelings which isn't good because as a teacher and lifeguard, you have to shut that shit up and suppress it when you're working. I tend to suppress everything anyway because I don't want people to worry or just deal with people who don't understand at all trying to help (and making it worse) or telling me to suck it up "because others have it worse" but it getting so much harder. Mentally, I have been super depressed with spikes of anxiety and I can't escape it at all. I think part of my issues are stress and not sleeping (like I'm averaging maybe 5 hours). I'm still taking my medications but it's just bad. I have been selfharming more and more recently. I went through a period where I managed to go on average 45 days, but now I'm lucky if I go a week. I relapsed on Saturday and almost again earlier today. I want to stop but much to my old therapist's surprise, it's not that easy. I also have been struggling with the bombardment of suicidal thoughts mainly late at night keeping me up. It's fucking terrifying. I'm not going to act on them. I actually cut myself to make the thoughts go away.

I want everything to stop. I want to end this suffering. I want something to go right for once... 😔

[the-firebird69]

I remember my husband now it's really mad at that one doesn't want people d****** with him and that's like d****** with him in a big way in several wars though over the top of the damn things just didn't work. Something is holding it up and it's probably The fleets.

Zues Hera

We did notice a pattern it mine all the iron out then just sit there on it and they don't do anything for a while they start to try and mine out the uranium and it's too hard and they don't do it literally it's uranium and rock form and they don't want to mine it it's too much effort I'm actually serious this is what they say I heard you contemplating minding it out with them I said no because it just keep building this assinine ships, listen what are we supposed to do so I followed it and I said this why don't we do that so we have some guidelines and we're doing it now so we're down new Zealand's doing it. That's for all that theatrics said we took all the shadow though because we're sitting here doing nothing and they're not taking it over everybody heard why throughout the process of these half-assed wars and fake wars over them so now I know and now people understand what we're trying and why and it's out there and it's real for everybody so it should be a little bit easier.

We've mined if everything's going to take 10 years and sit here with enough money for a week I mean what the f*** are we doing what the f*** are you doing Mack everything takes 10 years to mine out I don't sit here with $5 what the f*** are you doing franklly kid I don't know man says this is obnoxious you recharge is so dumb. There's a huge success of what he's doing he's just going to keep pushing it till he gets something he's just such a huge massive assholes in the way of him getting anything mac daddy says you're absurd I just commit suicide down and save us in trouble you fleshy loser we're going ahead and putting a hold on you bja says I'm going ahead and putting a hold on you by force I'm going to rip the living s*** out of you I'm going to have all your guts out I'm tired of hearing from you you have no idea what you're dealing with you piece of s*** bja I'm tired of you.

Zues Hera

I said the top part but he said a lot and he's right these people suck so bad what's his work takes a long time we're going to sit here and do the stupid routine for years you're out of your mind you you nasty piece of crap furthermore we're putting a hold on you and your ass and I grew I'm ordering you decimated up there New England I don't want you taking over at all I don't want to see these museums everywhere either you don't have to do that cuz you keep taking over New England we just keep getting rid of you it doesn't want to go through all the stupid horse s*** cuz you're a f****** a****** who's a masochist and a sadist you just a nasty weirdo why should we cater to you just sick assinine psycho ppl. Nope we won't

We're not going to last sitting here listening to the morlocks dumb dope s*** I can't stand their babble all day everyday and they're stupid diet s*** messing with everyone's food constantly it is horrendous it's so damn difficult I'm voting we delete them as soon as possible Stan says and Mac Daddy back some up and is floating too this is ridiculous nobody's going to make it for the the week nonetheless a year it's a stupid pace of idiot s*** maybe day to day stuff you are so damned annoying you're f****** way all the time making stupid faces and comments are going to destroy us I want you all dead you're so God damn it annoying you're useless Garth I hate you man I can't stand you if I don't feel nervous and have to hold a steel pipe on my hand I'll call you f****** a****** you wouldn't go out of that stupid housing place I had a little problem you like okay let's try and get us caught I mean you're f****** moron you're a moron I don't want to be near you you're so dumb and a f**** too and this will go all of you the same way just really f****** stupid this f****** a hole what's up every night yelling and screaming into the window what a f****** useless piece of s*** I don't invent it all for you around because that God damn a****** running around everyday big son have to do anything they just have to try and eak my way by cuz he's holding off every single penny of mine. No favinos running around with my money I mean what a f****** douchebag you're a f****** useless douche you're running around with my money and it's it's decent money what the f*** for how many years did it take the mind these things out you're going to sit there douching me like a f****** retard yeah you're starting to think of something that's good I figure out something else I can't stand this anymore these retards are at us 24/7 they don't shut up ever and they don't relent the order cuz he knows

And that's our father and mother being aggravated and expressing it And discussing it with mac and others truthfully these retards are just as annoying as hell they're right on top of those things and are in the way all the time it won't relinquish the position we need for us to do the work not even holding it with Force and we're going to eradicate them and what he says is we got to do it one at a time and we're trying to do it all at once and it's not making any sense cuz it won't get anywhere Max will just start doing it I agree with him these retards are so dumb we do like two or three at a time not everybody picking one the two or three at a time and we focus on it in an area and I believe that's what we should do I started off doing it down there and this idiots have a spread out we needed to to gain the army but we really need these shattered on me and we really need a man it's an emergency I agree with our son when he said the past few sentences New Zealand is one and I want Africa South America to assist and focus on New Zealand and Australia the Old pros so we need to do this right now the area is cordoned off and infiltrating he says to mind it out even though it's cordon off so I don't know what he means he doesn't know what I mean is cordoned off and there's no equipment in it upstairs and somebody lying to me how am I supposed to do anything I'm stuck here under massive duress and I get information from the top guy that's never accurate and I don't give a s*** I have to know what's going on I'll stop from doing that also going to figure out something I got in a way because these people influenced me these things are too dangerous it's like we opened all the cans of worms and we don't have the manpower and we still don't and I ordered conscription and that's still not going ahead don't blame me when it doesn't work Olympus I've been ordering this stuff if you don't listen it's not going to work because I'm ordering what is logically necessary not necessarily what I want or the way I want it and all this other horses dig shit s***.

We do hear you when we recommending it for a metal they said that's fine only if you initialize it and initiate it now get up out of your beds go down and start initializing conscription and shut the hell up about it no compete with each other I've got 80% of my people signed up I've got 65 but I've got 65 you know let's get those numbers up there on the board and I'll be damned if you resist doing something so simple and logical I mean every day and we talk about it you know I don't want to be mean or anything so I'm going to put up on the board I'm starting to hear something I don't want to look like these people it was starting to look like him a lot this is terrifying to people these stupid devices I've had enough of this s*** he's right I'm not doing the damn work a job and people are not listening to me I'm going to put these percentages up there because it makes it work and you people don't listen either Olympus I'm going to put the threat level up there again it says you get the little locomotion video and you stick it right up in the wall and you play it as a background I say this I don't have time for that but I'm going to do that is it works it's manipulating the mind so I'm putting it up there now saying take that down I said no you're demoted if you ask again yes I can I have all these truths and you have nothing compared to my power you're always challenging me I want to get this done this is too dangerous here every single a****** on Earth is after me everything is huge huge bombs it's ridiculous nobody's taking action with me what is this anyways a pansy revolution every time out of your mouth you're harassing me I can't accept it as leader I cannot accept the treatment I don't want to hear that I need assistance getting people to raise the armies of their own your harassing people in sassy people cuz that's what you're doing when you're frustrated and you're into your robe but I'm at the end of my role what do you expect from me I don't even have f****** valume. Was so powerless we're not doing anything I have a f****** guy here I've got to fight with you died because of it is a huge a****** every day cuz there's an animal nobody's doing anything about it because we're powerless to do anything about it that's why we need power we need these people have no power it's running around laughing and stuff these assholes are sitting on huge moms they threatened to detonate everyday and I keep getting flat from everybody but I need tons of troops I need conscription I need you to make a military economy wherever you are all of you not just one person who's doing the job like madness why is this happening to why why are we cowards come on now let's everybody get together help people are behind say look you just could script them and interview them it's not really a huge deal.

Zues Hera

I did say some of the above but truthfully people who are doing the job are getting stressed and there's a bunch you are so putting it up on the board and we see who it is everyday those percentages are going to be there right down the side in your colors if you don't like it don't come to the meeting I'm serious too you can be our kind and not come to the meeting no not really you have to get your problems out in the open we have to get things done now I'm not the ideal candidate to lead everybody because I'm a race that's kind of introverted but you're not listening to orders and stuff and it's bothering me you're not listening to his orders that's bothering me too it takes a while to get anything to work and we don't we don't have a while we sincerely don't have the time to dick around with our people who should be signed up 10 years ago 20 years ago easily why aren't they signed up get out there and figure out why investigate your own people he's ordering it now I'm going to do that I'm so sick of this s***

Thor Freya