#I dunno man it's a complex mess over there

[lady-vega]

Being a toku fan with only a vague tangential interest in Power Rangers has been wild lately. It's like having loud neighbours who are constantly arguing about the state of their grand plans for garden renovations, while I'm just sat here on my patio with coffee and a biscuit wondering if they're going to bother repairing our one adjoining fence that's getting a bit wobbly.

[himejoshiangels]

cass cain is so emotive and I hate that so many of yall fall straight into the stoic asian woman stereotype thing because like, the only reason cass wouldn't vocalize a feeling is when she would struggle to find the word for it because she literally wasn't taught how to speak. that's so fucking upsetting. She has such big beautiful emotions, she feels so deeply about the littlest things but everytime she has trouble putting it into words she's reminded that she was conceived not to. her abuser did not have her feelings or her pain in mind, only how well she could end a life. can you fucking imagine

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Neelix

By Ames

At some point, the Star Trek fan base decided the worst main character of the franchise is Neelix – he’s obnoxious, his jokes don’t land, he’s dating a two-year-old, he looks like that. But if you actually, I dunno, watch the show, your hosts here at A Star to Steer Her By found that Neelix might be one of the most complex, consistent, and realistic characters on the show. Even Caitlin, who started our Voyager watchthrough disliking him, ended it bathed in the Talaxian love.

So get off the hate train and give the guy the open mind he deserves. He’s only trying to help the friends he met in the Delta Quadrant while battling some of the harshest mental demons the show has given to a character. Not to mention that Ethan Phillips gets to show his dramatic range show by show, comic relief one day, and emotionally destroyed the next. Check out both sides of the Neelix character below – the good and the bad – listen to our debate on this week’s podcast episode (stroll over to 51:16), and make your own decision! We’ll see you in the mess hall!

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

Now I am become death, destroyer of Talaxians The first season of Voyager is already digging deep into Neelix’s tragic backstory when “Jetrel” reveals that his whole family was taken out by the titular character’s metreon cascade. The whole episode is Neelix facing the man who killed so many Talaxians, and also facing his own deep guilt. When he forgives the dying Jetrel, he’s really forgiving himself and finally moving on.

There’s nothing like a family reunion We’ll have more to say about “Parturition” in our next section, but we start to see Neelix the caregiver in his interactions with the newly hatched dino puppet. Not only do we see an end to the entirely stupid love triangle between Neelix, Kes, and Tom, but we glimpse how much Neelix puts other people before himself when he pushes to save the baby monster thing.

I’m going to have plenty of material for tomorrow’s Briefing With Neelix Neelix’s nosiness, while frequently one of his more annoying traits, ends up paying off in “Investigations” when he uncovers the mole who’s been making contact with Seska and those wily Kazons. Not only does Neelix put himself at risk by going undercover, but he also ends up murdering that saboteur Jonas by throwing him into a plasma fire like a badass!

The 299th Rule of Acquisition: Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them Ethan Phillips sure knows how to play a Ferengi, having portrayed Farek in “Ménage à Troi.” But Neelix himself also plays a damn good Ferengi, totally pulling off the Grand Proxy / Holy Pilgrim in “False Profits.” He initially fools Arridor and Kol with his quick thinking and improv, and when the game is rumbled, succeeds in protecting the Takarians from their Ferengi ploy.

What’s this week’s legend, Olmec? While overall we found “Sacred Ground” to be an unfocused and confounding mess, Neelix is still strong in it nonetheless! He does everything in his power to support the effort to get Kes out of her supernatural coma. Most importantly, he figures out the loophole via an old anecdote about an ancient king requesting an audience with the spirits, which Janeway pounces on.

I’m tired of being the target of all your hostility Sure, most of the time, you can view Neelix’s interactions with Tuvok as insufferable and tone deaf (much like I frequently find Archer’s constant needling of T’Pol in Enterprise), but it comes from a place of love and respect. It takes Tuvok several seasons to reciprocate this and it all starts in “Rise” when Neelix finally stands up for himself to the tactless Vulcan.

Intergalactic House of Pancakes As the Voyager’s morale officer, Neelix commonly goes out of his way to support his fellow crew members. It’s something a ship’s counselor should be doing, but we don’t have one of those. So Neelix takes it upon himself to offer comfort food (like blood pie in “Day of Honor” and banana pancakes in “Extreme Risk”), a shoulder to cry on, or his body in the form of a punching bag.

Flotter and the Crashed Shuttlepod We get more of caregiver Neelix in his relationship with Naomi Wildman throughout the show. As the girl’s godfather, he’s the only one who can get her to bed at night, with stories of the Great Forest in “Mortal Coil.” But he truly shines in “Once Upon a Time” when his impulse is to protect her from the possibility her mother could die, but it ends with both he and Naomi growing when he learns that being honest with her will help them better survive trauma together.

When is a Vulcan no longer a Vulcan? We loved the vulnerable, un-Vulcan Tuvok in “Riddles” and we love Neelix in this episode even more. Once again, he shows what a great caregiver he is by selflessly caring for others. It’s even more personal because the Tuvok-Neelix relationship has built over the show, so Neelix’s support of his friend really pulls at your heartstrings, especially with the heart-wrenching ending.

See anyone you know? Neelix gets two different farewell scenes with Kes in Voyager. The first is a touching goodbye in “The Gift” when they know Kes is transcending to a new type of Ocampan. The second might be the only good moment from the deeply problematic “Fury” in which a tormented Kes is rampaging around the ship but Neelix treats her with the affection and empathy he always has.

She’s a fine specimen of Klingon womanhood I ran out of room in the EMH post to include how uncomfortable I felt when he insists Harry Kim bang Officer Ch’Rega in “Prophecy” even though it’s clear Kim doesn’t consent. But you know who’s down to clown with a Klingon mistress? Neelix! He successfully gets the tall drink of bloodwine off of Harry’s ass and onto his own. Everyone wins! Qapla’!

Coming full circle Neelix’s character gets the perfect ending in “Homestead.” See above how we started the series with Neelix feeling guilty that he wasn’t there during the Talaxian-Haakonian war and accepting that he’ll never go home again. And here we see him off after he’s saved a lost Talaxian colony and gets to rejoin his people. It’s the most complete character arc of the show.

—

Worst moments

Always let your scavenger be your guide This isn’t all to say Neelix is a perfect angel. We first meet him when he’s scavenging around in “Caretaker,” and the very first thing he does is trick the Voyager into helping him free Kes from the Kazons who have captured her. Which is admirable, mind you, but he goes about it through deception and cunning. Not the best impression to make for the first time we encounter him.

Your ceiling is hideous This is one of those moments that isn’t entirely Neelix’s fault, but is definitely bad for him. What’s a better way to respond to having your lungs stolen from you as his were in “Phage”? I’m not sure, but it’s probably not constantly whining, wallowing in self pity, and accusing Kes of having an affair with Tom. Not a good look, though I certainly can’t say I’d handle it much better.

You don’t know where I was the night Rinax was destroyed As we said above, Neelix’s backstory that comes out in “Jetrel” really deepens his character. It’s also where we learn that he dodged the draft during the Talaxian-Haakonian war. I can’t judge him for hiding from a war he doesn’t believe in, but I sure can judge him for lying for many years that he was actually in the defense forces because he was ashamed for being a coward.

Get the cheese to sickbay This one’s just silly. What a strange development that it turns out the reason the ship is malfunctioning all over the place in “Learning Curve” is because the brill cheese Neelix whipped up to attempt to make macaroni and cheese. The schplict that Neelix brings on board infects the bio-neural circuitry of the ship, and it feels like a joke more than anything else.

Order the diapers. We’re about to become parents. Let’s put aside the “Kes is only two years old!” argument that we’ve had on the podcast myriad times, and instead have the “Neelix is a possessive and selfish partner” argument that’s actually warranted. In “Elogium,” when Kes is going through a traumatic life stage that forces her to decide if she’s ready to have children, Neelix somehow makes it all about him, which is gross.

How do you know where everyone’s quarters are? Speaking of Neelix being a bad boyfriend, he continues to be a controlling, jealous piece of shit in “Twisted.” Not only does he whine when Tom gives Kes a birthday present, but he also accuses her of being the town pump because her eidetic memory makes her remember where everyone’s quarters are. And then he vanishes randomly and we never get an apology!

Food fight! Most of these bad Neelix moments are clumped in the first couple of seasons, and that’s because it’s here at “Parturition” that the writers realized they needed to stop leaning on the jealous boyfriend trope and fix the Neelix-Paris relationship. It really was that bad. They were such children, starting a food fight over Kes and acting like animals during mating season.

No bone about it Remember how we gave Chakotay credit for not going out of his way not to desecrate a gravesite in “Emanations”? Apparently Neelix has no such qualms. He’s really gung ho to make some tools out of some humanoid bones he and Hogan find in “Basics.” And sadly for us, it ends up with Hogan getting killed by whatever monster or other left those bones there!

None of us knows what’s coming This episode would have made way more sense if it happened a season earlier. By “Fair Trade,” midway through season three, Neelix should know better that he doesn’t have to prove himself around his found family on the Voyager. But instead, he throws Tom and Chakotay under the bus and threatens his own life so he can get a map and continue to be the quadrant expert.

You sound as though you’re saying goodbye It’s not often that you’ll find one of our moments be a scene that didn’t happen. When Neelix resorts to a certainly suicidal plan to trick the black market dealers in “Fair Trade,” he thinks he’s going to die, but he never has a scene with Kes. I can’t forgive the writers for cutting a scene of him saying goodbye to Kes, who has ONE inconsequential line in the whole episode.

I want to hear about the Great Forest again If we can give Torres shit for how poorly she deals with trauma in “Extreme Risk,” then we can also share the disapproval for Neelix with how abysmally he deals with his mortality in “Mortal Coil,” as he nearly spaces himself. This is another reason why it’s clear the Voyager needs a counselor because even if the crew knew how to ask for help (they don’t), there’s no one to ask.

All we need now is a mark Being such a people person, Neelix also gets himself into trouble by being way too trusting. He easily falls for Dala’s nun story in “Live Fast and Prosper” like an absolute rube. And then when he and Tom are trying to prove they’re not rubes, Neelix picks the EMH to play a shell game against, who is absolutely the wrong mark. What a couple of rubes.

—

We’ve already had two helpings of Leola root and it’s time for dessert. Join us for more character spotlights as we continue through the Voyager manifest next week, and also keep following as we near the end of our Enterprise watch over on SoundCloud or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also join us in the mess hall over on Facebook and Twitter, and give Neelix the credit he deserves!

[withasideofshakespeare]

anyways hey thoughts on transfem viola-cesario-visario. ?

The fact that every single trans Shakespeare fan I’ve met wants to play Viola-Cesario-Visario is evidence enough for me to declare that they are 110% trans. What kind of cis person survives a shipwreck and immediately goes “I should mess with my gender for a disguise”? Trans swag right there.

Now the question of which direction? ftm Cesario makes sense because their first thought upon arriving in a country where no one knows them is to make everyone think they’re a man and if that isn’t some transmasc shit right there, I dunno what is. BUT mtf Viola also makes sense! Their default survival tactic is boymoding but they eventually realize that they can’t hide who they are in their heart and the end of the play serves as a coming out scene? Adorable and perfect! My personal favorite theory is afab non-binary Visario. They use their disguise as a way to experiment with their gender, coming to realize by the end of the play that they don’t identify exclusively with masculinity nor femininity but some combination of both and neither. I fully believe that post-play Visario figures their shit out and marries Orsino AND Olivia like the polyamorous bisexual they were always meant to be.

I am also a transmasc Sebastian theorist. It makes his relationships with Antonio and Olivia a little more complex if he is a trans man in a heteronormative society. I think he does genuinely love Antonio but sees a relationship with Olivia as more masculine, since he fears he’d feel like “the woman” in a relationship with Antonio. Also, I think that Antonio knows he’s trans, since he finds Sebastian half-drowned after the shipwreck, probably binding with now-wet material that he’d have to remove for Seb’s safety. Antonio doesn’t see him as any less of a man for it, but it does complicate Seb’s feelings. Post-play, I think he figures this out and let’s Olivia marry her true love (his sibling) and tries to fix things with Antonio (which probably isn’t very hard given the man is clearly head-over-heels for him.)

Also, afab Visario and Sebastian does explain why these identical twins have different genders.

[angelic-writer]

Whumpcember Day 4 - Hidden Injury

Everything was going according to plan.

The masked figure was holding Adam at gunpoint, shouting at him and preventing him from going into the burning building. He and his friends thought he was alone, but he had someone tagging along with him.

Ever since he discovered Jonah's power, the two men had been using it to their advantage. The first few times, Adam had underestimated just how fast Jonah could go. He still remembered the time where he had gotten a call about an attempted robbery. By the time he and the police arrived, they were all tied up in a storage unit and Jonah was sitting on top of the boxes, giving them Pokemon details.

He looked to the other people that were watching. They were all being held at gunpoint. A woman was crying, screaming for her child that was left inside. C'mon, Jo. Hurry up.

A gust of wind blew past him followed by streaks of lightning. Before he could blink, a familiar white haired person ran out carrying a crying baby.

"Oh, my baby!! Thank you!" The woman cried, holding her child tightly.

The man turned to Adam. "So this is your plan, huh? You get your little friend to help you? I thought you were tougher than that." He cocked the gun. "No matter. This'll all be over so-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence as Jonah immediately clocked him in the face. The group were all on the ground now, tied up before anyone can even breathe.

"Good morning, Mandela County! It's a beautiful day out today with sunny skies and temperatures of 70 degrees. Today's report is about the apartment fire from last night. Officials say that a group of masked figures set fire to an apartment complex with multiple other tenants inside. Luckily, the angels appeared once again to apprehend the criminals and rescue the victims. We will be holding a press conference later today to commemorate their heroic deeds."

Adam exited the 7/11, grocery bags in hand. That press conference wore him out. He wasn't sure if he can keep up with the press for today. He just wanted to go home and relax.

Jonah, of course, was yapping his ear off about how they finally joined the ranks of Mark and Cesar, that they can become like the heroes from the comic books.

'What a week, huh?' Metetron spoke. 'First, a car gets flipped over, now a building catches fire.'

"Yeah. It's almost like these things are being done on purpose." He sighed. "I dunno. Maybe I'm just overthinking things."

As he passed by an alleyway, he almost didn't see the glint of metal that shined in the moonlight. A hand covered his mouth and they pulled him back, making him drop the bags.

He was slammed against the wall, knocking the wind out of him. "Dude, the fuck?! I was just getting food!"

He was greeted by a knife resting against his throat. "You should know what's going on here. You think you're hot shit because you and the twink are on TV?"

"Oh, come on. You should know arson's a big no-no here. Not like anyone does anything with it in this town.."

"Shut up!" The blade inched closer. "Because of you, our friends are rotting in a cell. We were just trying to send a message out to you."

"What message? That burning down buildings is cool?"

He growled. "You really shouldn't trust anyone in this town. And you know what happens when you kiss up to the mayor." He made a little cut along his skin. A little droplet of blood trickled down. He took his time to scan the area. There were at least five guys therewith him, each carrying some kind of weapon. Baseball bat, crowbar, brass knuckles... Yep, they aren't messing around. But Adam's tough. He can deal with them easily.

"Yep, I don't have time for this." Adam swiftly upper-cutted the man, causing him to drop the knife. The other men tried to charge him, but Adam (with Metatron's help) was swift. He swung the second man's legs out from under him, causing him to fall, crowbar clattering. Adam grabbed the third man by the wrist, pulled him close and elbowed him in the face, hitting him in the nose.

The fourth man managed to get Adam's cheek with the brass knuckles, but he recovered quickly. He landed the punch on his eye, making him stumble back. He wiped the blood from his lip and smirked. "That all you got?"

He was blindsided by the first man, having gotten up from the ground and tackling him. He pushed him off, but the other men grabbed him by the arms and pinned him down. One of them smirked and pointed his baseball bat at him. "Not so tough now, huh?"

Adam growled at him which caused him to laugh. He lifted the bat high above his head. He closed his eyes, bracing for his doom.

A whoosh of wind. Electricity.

He opened his eyes.

The men were now on the ground, groaning in agony. Jonah towered over them.

"Jonah?" He tried to get up, but pain shot through him.

"Here. Let me help you up." He offered his hand.

Adam took it and tried to get up, but he hissed. Damn, that guy must've really punched me good.

"Dude, you okay?!"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a minute to-" He stumbled, clutching at his side. Crap, he must've broke something.

Jonah's eyes widened. "Shit, hold on." He lifted him up, Adam's head resting on his shoulder.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

They left the alleyway, leaving the group of men behind. The MCPD will deal with them.

As they continued walking, Adam's walking started to become sluggish. He was about to ask him if he was alright when the blonde slumped over, toppling both of them to the ground. "Wh- Adam?!"

"Sorry, sorry... I uh..." His speech was becoming slurred. Jonah noticed something staining his shirt. Is that...?

"Let me see."

"Wh-"

"Let me see!" His tone was clipped. It was the kind of tone that let him know that he was serious. He sighed and laid down.

Jonah lifted his jacket... and immediately recoiled.

There was a large stab wound on the side of his torso. Blood was starting to seep through his shirt. Holy... That look bad.

It all became a blur. Jonah picked him up in his arms and the next thing he knew, he was at the hideout. Jonah was scrambling for the first aid kit, cursing under his breath. Adam's vision was starting to swim.

Something pressed against his side, making him flinch. "Hold on, Adam. You'll be okay. They'll be here soon."

They? Matthew and Luke. They know about these things. Poor Jonah. He looks so scared.

He tried to keep his eyes open, but it was becoming difficult to.

"Adam, stay with me!" Jonah cried, but his voice seemed far away. He was feeling a bit tired. He should close his eyes for a bit. He needed some rest after all. He let his eyes slip close, letting everything gradually fade away.

[a-kaash-me-outside]

I agree with prev anon that reader was a bit frustrating because she said some out of pocket stuff (though it wasn’t intentional or said out of maliciousness) but Atsumu making an effort and trying for 3 weeks is the bare bareeeee minimum come on!!! 😭We gotta stop giving credit to men who do the bare minimum in terms of being a nice respectful person. Like if someone was into me I’d HOPE they would be nice and “try” while they were making an effort to date me???

Especially cause all it took was one comment for him to revoke it and throw it in her face. What does that say about him 😭 reader’s mess up was due to nerves and not stopping to think before she spoke, Atsumu’s mess up was due to him knowingly choosing to perform an action that he was aware would hurt her on some level since he knew she was into him as well. Their convo outside their rooms could’ve been solved with an honest follow up conversation, but he decided to revenge fuck a stranger and make her a witness to it so he could punish her for making a petty comment towards him.

What she said wasn’t even false either because he did have a track record of bringing home multiple girls every weekend lmao if he doesnt like people pointing out his past behaviour then I dunno maybe demonstrate that you don’t engage in that behaviour anymore?! Not go out and immediately prove y/n right!!

okay yes. no okay yes I UNDERSTAND i understand. and i'm not saying we like praise him for the effort that's he's putting into it and the change in patterns that he's exhibiting, but more like aw man no yea this is actually the longest change in pattern that he's displayed.

(omg look another read more because i have so much to say/try to explain) but also it'll all be explained better in the next chapter lmao lmao. i will probably stop long explaining a lot of these and just let you guys read the next chapter and either like it or not HAHAHHA.

i feel like no one is -IN ANY WAY- skipping over the fact that the bs he pulled was shitty and he is an asshole because like yea no ur 100% right he's an asshole.

i just think that the layers that i built into twrt are kinda a lot and complex because it's not just "oh reader is super super into atsumu so why doesn't atsumu just date her instead of having sex with other people" its much more like "reader is keeping atsumu at arms length while still engaging with and flirting and practically fucking him while they're drunk" like reader specifically is not trying to be in a relationship with him while still doing relationshipy things because she's terrified of the effect that it'll have on a lot of aspects in her life and the hesitancy that she's feeling is super evident and real frustrating for someone who has, many times, tried to breech this line of oh let's actually date.

NOW IS ALL OF THIS AN EXCUSE FOR THE WAY THAT ATSUMU ACTED? yea no of course not but i just mean that it doesn't boil down to oh yea no reader has done NOTHING BUT want to be with atsumu she literally wanted to fuck maki like,,,, a few weeks prior to this conversation. and it wasn't as vindictive or shitty as atsumu's because of cOURSE IT WASNT but we don't really get to see atsumu's side or feelings in any of this the entire time bc its from reader pov. so it's hard to like,, understand the other side of it.

and i will say the comment that she makes outside of his door serves less as a reminder of his past and more of sudden change in tendencies. i don't know if that distinction makes SENSE but it does in my mind hehe.

also when i came up with the idea for this fic, this is always the way that i wanted the conflict to go. which became a bit difficult as it moved from being a oneshot to a chaptered fic and all of the feelings that came along with it. this shit is much less ouch when yknow- you dont have as much background as you do in the chaptered versions but i hope that chapter7 gives some insight? some better like oh yea ok yea tori you explained that really well, nice.

[scummy-writes]

Better in The Morning

Rating: Explicit (Minors dni)

Words: 5703

Pairing: Theo/Arthur

Tags: Jealousy, Drinking, Blood Drinking, Anal Sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Light Angst, Choking, Idiots to Lovers, Biting, Theocona

Full fic under the cut!

Preview:

The feel of Theo’s tongue against his drew a shudder out. Arthur twisted his fingers into Theo’s shirt, head beginning to spin as Theo’s kisses grew rough, more demanding, making Arthur’s hands shake as he blindly searched for the buttons of Theo’s shirt and clumsily worked them. It was difficult to concentrate or even attempt taking back control when Theo kept stealing his breath, and Arthur was pleased; safe from the burden of thinking past impulses.

Three buttons undone, and Arthur’s palms spread out against Theo’s chest as they finally broke apart, gasping for breath. He watched as Theo surveyed him, taking in the sight of his hair disheveled, his slick and swollen lips. Arthur knew the heat spread across his cheeks was obvious, and when a ghost of a prideful smirk took over Theo’s features, Arthur wrapped his arms around his neck with a strained chuckle.

------

Sex was just a formula in the end: Flirting, enticing, tempting touches. Hushed promises breathed against heated skin, the shuffling of clothes along with the creak of a mattress. Slow, purposeful touches that crept faster, until thinking wasn’t needed as instinct took over.

Or, most of the time it’s how it went.

Arthur hazily looked at the woman laid bare in front of him, sweat shining on her breasts while her hands dug into the sheets. Her eyes were squeezed shut, mouth hung open as her gasps and groans began to rise higher in pitch. With such a pretty little bird beneath him and pleasure making his mind spin, how was it that his thoughts kept flitting elsewhere? Making his breath catch for other reasons; movements falter.

What a disservice to the one calling his name…

Arthur leaned over her, making her shiver with the playful nips he drew along her jaw, trailing further and further below until he could nose her pulse, sighing at the fragrance of perfume mixed with such a lovely drink. He timed his bite with a harsh thrust of his hips, feeling her nails dig into his back as she clenched around him.

It wasn’t as if it was a bore, but the only thirst quenched tonight was that of his throat. He found himself getting dressed rather quickly after discarding the condom, and the woman hazily reached out to him, barely having caught her breath and struggling to keep lucid with the pleasure still trembling through her.

“W-where are you…?”

“Ah, sorry luv,” He feigned a pout, giving a quick kiss to her cheek, “got a rather busy morning tomorrow, can’t quite risk being late.”

Granted, he wasn’t a total ass. Arthur made sure to clean up the mess they made without disturbing her too much as she faded out, but he was still out on the streets faster than usual. Huffing to himself, he stretched as he walked.

When was the last time sex felt so pitiful for him?

Deep down Arthur knew the reasons why, but he was stubborn, if anything. Refusing to give his feelings a name as they steadily bubbled within him, begrudgingly recalling a scene from earlier this afternoon. Where he had finally caught a glimpse of Theo after days on end of elusive misses; the man having been too busy to even linger for breakfast- or rather, linger long enough for Arthur to wake up and join.

He had been so excited too, walking up to try and ask the art dealer for some of his time. Only to stop when a woman seemed to join Theo, watching as her bright laughter brought on a smile he had never seen from Theo before.

It was such a small scene, and truly, shouldn’t he feel happy for his stoic friend? Instead, his throat had felt tight, a wash of bitterness overtaking him as he turned back around, finding himself heading towards visiting his favorite pub.

Now, Arthur kicked a pebble ahead of him as he walked home, unable to properly distract himself as he played the scene out over and over in his mind.

---

Arthur sighed, dropping his pen aside as he took his glasses off. Crumpled papers were littered on his desk, and his current sheet in front of him was just filled with scratched out words and ink blots. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to produce, after being awake for well over a full twenty-four hours now. It wasn’t as if his eighth cup of coffee would magically yield better results than the last.

“Blast…”

It was too late to go out of the mansion at this point, far too late to see if he could even swoon some minx into a distraction- and the appeal of that dwindled down as he remembered the pisspoor attempt from last time…

Standing up, he stretched his back before slumping.

Running from troubles were always temporary, in the end. After a while, they caught up, and Arthur knew when he had to settle in and let them run their course. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t be sour over it, hating the way his anxieties and fears would churn in his stomach, but at least his reluctant acceptance still gave him a vague feeling of agency over his own mind turning against him.

~

The parlor felt like a breath of fresh air in comparison to his stuffy room, and Arthur placed the decanter of whiskey he snatched on the side table, knowing he could be left alone to ruminate over his childish feelings in peace, nursing a glass and hoping to fall asleep. The warm glow the light gave off certainly helped him feel a bit drowsy, even if his wandering thoughts were working against him in that regard.

Arthur settled himself into the chair, pouring himself a drink as he surveyed the cover of a book. Just a harmless collection of poetry, but recalling the way Theo seemed so absorbed reading it in the salon made his stomach stir. Against his better judgement, he opened the book and flipped through the pages, scanning each stanza and wondering.

Was Theo reading this and thinking of that woman? Each flowery bit of prose bringing that same smile she had managed to drudge out as Theo thought about her?

Arthur knew he had no right to be so torn up about this, not when he had a body count that was too high to remember, but…

It still stung regardless. Pooling in the pit of his stomach, making his breaths harder to take in the longer this feeling ruminated inside. He knew that, even if he weren't so cowardly, that he hadn't a hope of pulling those smiles out of Theo. That his refusal to admit his feelings, even to himself, was what had landed him in this mess.

Of course, while he sat there bitterly overlooking poem after poem, the man he had been lamenting about comes into the parlor. At the height of Arthur’s self degradation, nonetheless.

A gruff sigh spilled out of Theo once Arthur wearily met his gaze. He didn’t say anything at first, eyes glancing at the bottle resting beside Arthur, then towards the book he held. If Theo had any strong feelings towards the poetry, he didn’t show it as he walked over, taking the seat beside him.

“Didn’t think you read the stuff.”

Didn’t think you did either. But Arthur shrugged, setting the book aside, “someone left it in here.”

It was quiet. Theo didn’t seem to have any reason to come into the parlor, but he sat patiently beside Arthur regardless, toying with the decanter’s top as time ticked by.

“How long have you been here?”

“Mm. Dunno. Long enough to wonder how long until le Comte updates his library,” he gestured his glass towards the book resting between them, “that book is older than the both of us.”

Arthur could feel Theo’s gaze on him. It wasn’t like the man was attempting to hide it, but he kept silent as Arthur took a slow sip of his whiskey with a sigh.

“Couldn’t find a ‘bird’ to put up with you tonight?”

And deal with another woman with a mothering complex trying to ‘nurse him’ back to whatever his normal was? No. He just shrugged at Theo’s question instead, raking a hand through his hair as he slouched in his seat, shaking his head, “wasn’t in the mood.”

“Mm. Finally gaining a conscience over leaving those women alone in the morning?”

The gentle prod was obvious, but Arthur ignored it as he poured himself another glass. He wasn’t sure what brought forth concern on Theo’s end. Did he look as haggard as he felt? Sleep had never came last night, and he knew that much was obvious, but what else was causing Theo’s eyes to narrow while Arthur stared into the amber liquid?

Downing it in one go, Arthur made the motion towards the decanter but felt Theo’s hand on his.

The warmth of Theo’s hand stole his thoughts away. He was so used to wearing gloves that he found himself unable to recall a moment where they had skin to skin contact before now. Skinship that wasn’t drunken brushes between each other. Arthur swallowed thickly, mind overcome with imaginings of Theo holding that woman’s hand and smiling- smiles Arthur could never evoke from him, feeling his chest clench again.

Drinking suddenly felt like a need, rather than a want.

“Theo?”

Theo blinked, swallowing when his eyes wavered with something Arthur couldn't catch, “we both know you’re a lightweight, slow down on the drinking.”

Arthur’s brows furrowed, shaking Theo’s hand off, “we’re at home, anyway, ‘s not like I’m going to cause trouble.”

“Arthur.”

“Bloody hell, what is it?” Theo recoiled at his tone. He took his time with a response, ruminating on the words for a reason Arthur couldn’t fathom, but the words just made his sudden temper worse.

“Drinking isn’t going to help whatever mood you're in.”

Silence stretched out between them as Arthur held his breath, his glass still resting on the table as they looked at each other. Theo’s concern was evident, and deep down Arthur knew that it was genuine; possibly even what had prompted Theo to come into the room to begin with, but jealousy kept skewing his perception. Arthur clicked his tongue as he finally tore his gaze away.

“It’ll help me sleep tonight,” another pause, then Arthur rubbed his eyes with a huff, annoyed at himself, “I haven’t slept for ages-”

“Drinking will knock you flat on your ass, but you know as well as I do that it’ll make you go through hell when you finally do wake up.”

“Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment-” It certainly felt like it when he couldn’t stop himself from deliberately pushing people away from him, but Theo ignored his depressive tone, yanking the decanter out of his grasp.

“Then, view this as a punishment.”

"For God's sake- you're going to do this all night aren't you?"

It wasn't so much a question, not with how Arthur rolled his eyes, finishing off his glass before Theo could think about grabbing it. "You do know there's more booze in the mansion, don't you?"

Theo shrugged his shoulders, "I know that if you're too lazy to go distract yourself with one of your 'skirts', you're too lazy to scour for more."

Arthur didn't respond, eyes closed as he leaned upon his elbow, propping his head up with a sigh.

"... What do you propose, then?"

~

At Arthur’s first stumble out of the parlor, Theo tsked and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, huffing a reprimand in the process. It was an accident, Arthur really hadn’t drank that much yet, but… He let himself be led towards his room, feeling careless ideas come to mind the longer he let Theo keep his grip.

Each step closer, Arthur considered his options, feeling his emotions battling out his rationale. What proof did he have of Theo really getting with that woman? A quick glance and Theo had no lipstick markings on his cheeks or neck, no scent of perfume… Most people were quick to spend as much time with a new partner in the beginning stages. Given that Theo rarely had any breaks from work and didn’t appear to spend his rare day off with the woman Arthur had saw, it opened two possibilities.

Either they had yet to breach the hurdle of admitting their feelings towards each other, or they had been together for longer than Arthur realized.

The latter stung at the back of his throat as he swallowed the thought down, focusing on the first. Because if they had yet to get together… Well, Arthur could do what he does best.

He smiled bitterly to himself, playing up the role of a drunk as they neared Theo’s room.

~

Excuses. That’s what Arthur needed; something to make his behavior forgettable in the morning. Something to make his shame easier to deal with the next day. He took advantage of Theo’s dazed state after they stumbled into his room, cupping his cheeks mid-scold and stealing a lingering kiss. At first, Theo seemed frozen, unsure of how to react, and Arthur’s fear exacerbated. He nipped at Theo’s bottom lip, feeling his shoulders drop with relief when the man finally kissed him back.

Theo was hesitant, his grip unfocused as Arthur managed to take the lead; distracting him as he slowly backed Theo into his desk chair, straddling him easily. When they broke apart, panting as Theo’s confused look swept over him, the taste of him still lingered on Arthur’s lips as he nervously licked them, “don’t you want a distraction too?”

Theo’s gaze narrowed for a moment. The threat of getting an answer he feared pushed Arthur to act impulsively, crashing their lips together in one fluid movement.

Regardless of how clumsy it was, Arthur was thankful when he felt Theo’s grip focus on his ass, pushing their bodies flush together and dragging out as gasp when his fingers threaded themselves in Arthur’s hair; holding him in place as their rushed kisses deepened. Every heavy breath between them reeked of ethanol, and as Arthur felt Theo slowly get harder, he pushed the thoughts of their crumbling friendship aside.

The feel of Theo’s tongue against his drew a shudder out. Arthur twisted his fingers into Theo’s shirt, head beginning to spin as Theo’s kisses grew rough, more demanding, making Arthur’s hands shake as he blindly searched for the buttons of Theo’s shirt and clumsily worked them. It was difficult to concentrate or even attempt taking back control when Theo kept stealing his breath, and Arthur was pleased; safe from the burden of thinking past impulses.

Three buttons undone, and Arthur’s palms spread out against Theo’s chest as they finally broke apart, gasping for breath. He watched as Theo surveyed him, taking in the sight of his hair disheveled, his slick and swollen lips. Arthur knew the heat spread across his cheeks was obvious, and when a ghost of a prideful smirk took over Theo’s features, Arthur wrapped his arms around his neck with a strained chuckle.

“You’re not going to stop there, are you?”

With a slow blink, Theo finally came back to the present and slid his palms over Arthur’s ass again. A surge of heat rushed through Arthur, making him bite his lip in pleasure.

They weren’t sober by any means, but neither of them were drunk. Yet when Theo suddenly began pressing his lips against Arthur’s neck, he let out a breathless, excited laugh with his groan, Arthur’s head spinning as if he had drank his limit three times over.

A brush of Theo’s fangs against his skin made Arthur thread his fingers through Theo’s locks, shivering with the teasing waves of pleasure it brought. Slowly, the chair they sat on began to creak as Arthur rolled his hips, grinding their clothed erections together with an open moan. It only took a few more desperate pushes to coax Theo into changing positions.

Arthur nearly yelped as Theo abruptly stood up, carrying him over towards his bed with much more ease than expected- only to drop Arthur onto the mattress.

“Bloody hell, Theo, I’m not a toy-” but his flash of annoyance disappeared as Theo straddled him, working his shirt off. Unable to look away, Arthur’s eyes raked over Theo’s chest, a hum of appreciation unabashedly slipping out, “... maybe we should have done this sooner.”

Theo scoffed, beginning to roughly unbutton Arthur’s shirt, looking pleased when Arthur arched into his touch. Excited, Arthur smirked as he slid his hands between them, deftly unbuckling Theo’s belt.

It was rushed, and Arthur liked it that way. Dragging out teasing touches just opened up the chance for his unwanted thoughts to consume him and take him out of the mood. Arthur wanted to speed this up, drive Theo mad enough to shove his face into the mattress and give him the mindless pleasure he craved. So he tugged Theo’s zipper down and cupped his length, a breathless laugh escaping him when Theo briefly thrusted against his palm with a low grunt.

Arthur took Theo’s open pleasure in stride, grinning as he slipped his hand into Theo’s boxers, grasping his cock and giving a few loose strokes. Already, precum was leaking from Theo’s slit, and Arthur couldn’t help the soft groan he let out when he felt it wet his palm, “all because of me, hm?”

“Something like that.”

The unintentional pout he gave made Theo bark out a laugh, which caused his lips to twist into a frown. ‘Something like that’. He’ll make it because of him, regardless of Theo’s pride.

Running his thumb over Theo’s slit, he dragged the precum gathered there in a slow, teasing circle along his glans, loving how Theo’s eyes fluttered shut with a moan, “mm, are you sure?”

Theo’s eyes snapped open in annoyance, and suddenly Arthur’s belt was roughly being undone and tossed aside so Theo could yank his pants down enough to take his cock into his hand, mimicking Arthur’s earlier motions. Giddily, Arthur thrust into Theo’s grip, letting out a content, low sigh, “finally.”

He had to wonder what he looked like to Theo, a man he was unsure of would even find pleasure in any of this before now. A flushed, sultry mess like the minxes Arthur happily devoured, tempting Theo to explore new sinful approaches to their relationship?

Arthur almost scoffed at himself, but he still played his part; tugging Theo down by his arm, demanding another flurry of biting kisses as their cocks brushed against each other. He took delight in the strained moan Theo choked on when Arthur reached between them, grasping their throbbing cocks in his hand. There wasn’t any need for words. Theo quickly began to slip his tongue back into Arthur’s mouth, thrusting in time with Arthur’s strokes, swallowing their muffled moans.

But then Theo’s fingers pried Arthur’s grip open, threading their hands together and instead forced Arthur to stroke them like that- as if they were holding hands. It shouldn’t have tripped Arthur up, not when the move made it easier for them to chase after their release, but he found his thoughts slipping back towards a different type of neediness.

It took a lot to break apart from Theo, who quickly busied himself nipping at Arthur’s neck while he caught his breath long enough to speak, “H-hey, surely you don’t want it to- ahn, end like this?”

“Mm, think you can handle otherwise?”

Arthur just chuckled, running a hand through his sweaty bangs, “don't make me beg, Theo, I'm not sure either of us could take it.”

The cocky tone earned him a harsh nip to his pulse, making Arthur let out a choked noise when Theo paired it with a squeeze to the tip of their cocks. Theo finally let go after a moment and carefully got off of him, reaching into his nightstand to pull out a jar of lube.

"I can't believe you jerk off more than sleep around, ' Arthur mused and removed his undergarments as Theo rolled his eyes, '...what does the stubborn Theodorus Van Gogh get off to, hm?"

His question seemingly went ignored as Theo came back to him, fingers slick with lube. Gently he rested his knees on the bed, nudging Arthur to spread his legs before he spread lube around his hole.

Arthur hated this. He hated the careful way Theo pushed a finger inside of him, watching as Arthur held his breath. It’s not as if it hurt- god only knows how often Arthur’s been more adventurous- but the process takes time. And asking patience from a man who was struggling as much as he was torture.

“Better tell me if it hurts, klootzak.”

He nodded, knowing Theo would stop otherwise. After a few careful pumps, Theo pressed another finger inside, drawing a content sigh of his name from Arthur. By the time the third one was in, Arthur slowly began to stroke himself, shooting a smile Theo’s way when he watched intently, “enjoying the show?”

“Wondering how you manage to keep from being a quick shot.”

"Believe it or not, I do have some self control."

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” he scoffed.

The way Theo smirked as the tip of his cock started to push into him made Arthur’s arousal flare, and… Well, it didn't feel bad, but Arthur winced as Theo inched deeper, his length thicker than Arthur had initially believed.

With that slip in confidence, Theo stopped abruptly, making Arthur grumble impatiently.

"Come now, you're not going to tease me this badly, are you?"

"You're already wincing-"

"Well, I didn't realize your thick-headedness extended that far down, Theo."

Regardless, Theo carefully pulled out of Arthur, evidently ready to settle on a different method of getting off.

“If you’re that worried then,” Arthur sat up, stealing another kiss before muttering against Theo’s mouth, “lay down.”

The look Theo gave was skeptical, but he backed off. Laying down he eyed Arthur, his caution ebbing away as Arthur threw a leg over his waist, straddling him with a grin. He kept one hand on Theo's chest as he reached behind him, giving Theo’s thick length a few good strokes before steering the tip of his cock to his entrance. The anticipation that had built up in Arthur’s abdomen dissolved into a fiery heat once he gingerly lowered himself onto Theo’s cock, his quiet gasps making Theo grab onto his thighs in a flash of worry.

“Hey, don’t push yourse-,” but Arthur’s hips sank down in one fluid movement before Theo could finish, taking Theo’s cock in as deep as he could manage.

“F-fuck, Theo, I-” a shudder overcame Arthur as his own cock throbbed with need.

“Yeah? Thought you said you could take it?”

He shot Theo a bleary-eyed glare, one that barely lingered, his expression morphing into one of pleasure as he tested a roll of his hips, loving the way Theo’s length pushed back into him impatiently.

Arthur spread his hands out on Theo's chest, doing his best to ignore how fast Theo's heart was beating as he used the leverage to start an unsteady pace.

It was difficult to quip about Theo's flushed features, not when his head was already spinning from finally getting Theo tangled up with him like this. Each bounce on Theo's cock slowly made Arthur's composure slip, his speed faltering when he managed to plunge Theo's cock in deeper on some thrusts more than others.

Admittedly, it drove Arthur nearly mad; getting Theo just where he wanted him, only for Arthur to clumsily take his cock like this. Whereas Theo… Arthur hesitated, shivering from the excitement buzzing throughout him, Theo still wore a confident smirk with his skin just as flushed as Arthur’s.

"I thought you've done this before?"

"I have- y-you're just so bloody thick-" Theo's rough hands grabbed ahold of his hips, interrupting Arthur as Theo pulled him down just as he thrusted upwards, drawing out a strangled cry from the writer, "Theo!"

“Does it hurt?”

“No-”

“Then,” Theo tightened his grip, keeping up the pace and covering the speed Arthur was lacking, “stop complaining.”

And maybe Arthur really had too much to drink; he couldn’t focus on anything but chasing the pleasure of this secretly harbored fantasy coming to life. He was unable to care about the noises spilling out as Theo roughly guided Arthur’s hips to meet each thrust he gave.

The throbbing arousal coursing through him reached a dangerous peak not too long after, and Arthur’s nails dug into Theo’s chest as he attempted to regain some clarity and control himself better. But Theo slowed and stopped moving, causing Arthur to pant out a curse.

"Y-You're such a devil-!"

"Mm, doesn't seem to stop you from mewling."

Arthur’s head spun as Theo pulled out, drawing an embarrassing whine out until he was pushed onto his back. Theo's palms slid along the underside of Arthur's thighs, ass, until he grabbed his sides, pushing in deep with a lazy roll of his hips.

"Uhn- ah! Theo-" Arthur’s voice was already strained, but another groan bubbled up when Theo picked up the pace. It was obvious Theo was getting close, his jaw clenched tight as his thrusts delved deeper, harsh enough to make the bed creak in tandem.

Fumbling, Arthur tugged on Theo’s locks to crash their lips together again. Nails dug into his hips for a moment, and then Theo broke them apart, eyes narrowed at Arthur’s chuckle.

Finding a hand at his throat, Arthur lightly gasped as Theo’s barely-there grip focused on the sides of his throat. It was enough to give Arthur a chance to rasp out any type of rejection to the idea, but instead the writer dug his heels into Theo’s ass, urging him to keep going.

At first, Theo kept his hold as it was, but as he began to get closer to his release, he tightened it just enough for Arthur’s knees to press against his waist, Arthur’s eyes going hazy at the new pleasure.

And then he let go, permitting Arthur to take in a deep breath, “fuck…”

“Tell me if I need to stop,” Theo warned, but Arthur just chuckled.

“Don’t stop until you cum. You’re, ahn, just as close as I am, h-huh?” Arthur gave him a smug look despite the flush on his cheeks, despite the way his bangs were ruffled and damp with sweat; Theo gripped him tight as he leaned over, nipping and sucking a mark onto his neck, right where his collar couldn’t reach. Arthur’s cock throbbed at the sensation, feeling as though he was being claimed.

“Then- Tell me where you want it.”

"I-inside! Oh hell, Theo, I want to feel it-"

Arthur's back arched as Theo's grip tightened again, feeling Arthur clench around his cock.

"Feel what?"

Release, Arthur sucking in air as he spoke all at once.

"Want to feel your cock throb- a-as you cum, mmph. Make me feel- ghk-!"

Another tightened grip, and Arthur's eyes welled as Theo slammed into him, heavily panting as Arthur shook with each thrust. The lack of air nearly became unbearable, but just before it was too much, Theo let go. Instead he pushed on Arthur’s thighs, nearly folding him in half as he thrusted once, twice, and then spilled inside with a rasp.

The faint smell of ethanol lingered between them, mixed into the way Arthur desperately tugged Theo close, smashing their lips together in clumsy kisses. He threaded his fingers through Theo's hair, keeping him in place for just a moment, to meet his gaze when they broke apart.

"Theo."

His name is muttered as a lovelorn sigh, Arthur's eyes searching his for something, but Theo dipped his head against Arthur's neck, avoiding the unspoken confession as his fangs broke skin.

“Ah-Ah! Oh gods-” Arthur’s nails dig deep into Theo’s back and scalp, his noises turning into choked rasps as Theo reached between them, jerking Arthur off to the timing of his slowing thrusts.

Arthur lasted just long enough for Theo to pull his fangs out, to let out a string of curses as he tensed and spilled over Theo’s hand, and then Theo pulled out with shuddering breaths, forehead planted against Arthur’s shoulder.

~

It took what felt like ages for the two of them to catch their breath. As soon as the afterglow fades and a slow ache replaces it, Arthur found his thoughts immediately settling onto his current issue: Theo. Who was refusing to look at him, head still pressed against his shoulder.

Embarrassment started to creep in the longer they refused to speak.

What did you do, Arthur?

"Well, that was a nice bit of fun," he swallowed thickly, hoping Theo can't feel the hammering in his chest, "perhaps we should do this again sometime…"

Theo groaned, frustration clear, "is sex the only thing that's ever on your mind?"

"You weren't complaining before-"

But Theo finally got up, sitting back on his knees, "can you get up?"

"What, kicking me out so soon? No wonder you can only get with your hand."

"Bath, Arthur. Trying to see if you can make it to the le therme."

Oh…

~

Shame struck Arthur once they both sink into the water, the heat drawing attention to all the parts of him that ache. He was lucky his job wasn't anything like Theo's, and that he could get away with sitting on his ass all day.

Getting here wasn't as easy as he thought. All his bravado fizzled away when it became apparent just how hard they had gone at it, and Arthur's stumble when getting up prompted Theo to…

Well, he's just thankful no one saw how pathetic he looked getting here.

Arthur sank a little deeper into the water as the silence between them stretched out, glad the heat was helping his lower back. But the longer they were quiet, the more Arthur’s thoughts rushed; had anyone else heard them? What was Theo thinking right now?

Had Arthur just ruined whatever was built up between them, or were those feelings completely one-sided?

An annoyed tsk caused him to glance at Theo, who was rubbing his neck.

“Did you have to leave a mark so high up? How am I going to explain this…”

Ah… now that he was looking at Theo in the light, he noticed his desperation all over him. Lovebites along his neck and collar, Theo’s hair still mussed and scratches along his shoulder… At the thought of others catching a glimpse, Arthur felt his jealousy simmer.

“I think it looks good,” looked like he’s taken, at least.

"I feel sorry for all those women you sleep with if they wake up like this. Tch, I look like a fool."

Arthur wasn't sure what to feel. Proud? Sated? There was a sliver of joy humming inside of him; he finally got a taste of what he'd been craving for so long. But guilt and fear were quickly taking ahold of him, unable to keep himself from wondering just how bad he screwed things up.

"What does this mean now?" The question slipped out as soon as he thought it, and Arthur felt his ears burn as Theo shrugged.

"You said you wanted a distraction, and you got it."

Ouch. But he did deserve that, he supposed.

"So… We just go along like this never happened?" Theo gave him a noncommittal grunt, and Arthur kept on, "Theo, just humor me, will you?"

There was a sigh, Theo rubbing the back of his neck, "I don't know what answer you want, Arthur. For fucks sake, neither of us were thinking."

"Doesn't this have higher stakes for you? What about that pretty bird you keep taking strolls along the Seine with?"

Theo froze, giving Arthur an incredulous look, "you mean Mr. Garnier’s wife?"

Arthur went quiet, feeling heat in his cheeks as he processed Theo's words, and the accompanying embarrassment. Weakly, he stammered, "i-is that the only woman you've… you've been seeing?"

And Theo, the bastard, burst in laughter as a response. Not quietly either; loud enough to make Arthur's ears ring as the foolishness of this situation sunk in.

"Theo, for gods sake-"

"Is that what this was all about? Is that why you were in such a mood earlier?"

Arthur covered his face, his pride washing away, "my god man, do shut up."

His laughter continued until it faded off into a chuckle. Seeing Arthur still unable to look his way, Theo finally relaxed, wrapping an arm around Arthur’s shoulders and tugging him close.

“Come ‘ere.” Arthur still doesn’t speak, but Theo slowly continues, choosing his words carefully, “is this really why you’ve been moody lately?”

“At this point, does it really matter if I give an answer?”

Reviewing tonight’s events should have been enough of an answer, but with the reluctant confirmation, Theo just gives Arthur a half-hearted squeeze. It made Arthur finally relax his shoulders, no longer hiding his face.

“I’m… Not good with these things, Arthur,” No, he wasn’t. It was another reason Arthur had been so surprised to see him happily with another woman. But now, knowing all of that jealousy was pointless, to an extent, well… Arthur kept quiet as Theo continued, “even before arriving here, when I didn’t have so much weighing me down, I wasn’t good at this. But…”

Theo trailed off before taking another deep breath, “if this is genuine... then I’m willing to give it a try. With you.”

Surprised, Arthur looked over to meet Theo’s gaze- only to see the man was turned away, the tips of his ears reddened.

“‘I’m not good at these things’, he says…”

Theo turned to shoot him a glare, only frowning when he realized it let Arthur see just how badly he was blushing.

“I’m trying.”

Chuckling, Arthur felt his anxieties start to ebb away, “you really want to do this? With a mess like me? If this thing goes south, well…”

“I’d be handling this ‘mess’ in one way or another, regardless.”

“Very romantic, Theo. Thanks.”

The quip eases them both with the laugh it brings, and this time the quiet that stretched out was comfortable.

“We’ll need to talk about this more, in the morning, but for now,” Theo slipped his arm around Arthur’s waist, relaxing, “don’t work yourself up. We’re fine.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“You’re not the only one good at reading others, you know.”

Arthur merely hummed in response, letting that comfortable silence come back.

It felt odd, to say the least, to even consider getting into a serious relationship. Years of waving off most chances at happiness caused an almost knee-jerk reaction to do the same here; to chase Theo off with showcasing the worst of him. But Theo had already seen all of that.

There was still the chance of this not working out, or working out in the way they planned, but Arthur finally let himself rest against Theo, choosing to ignore those obnoxious worries at least for tonight.

------

I've discovered a friend can innocently send me a song saying it makes them think of a shared favored ship, only for me to dumbly open a word doc to scramble in a fic inspired by it.

I've wanted to write a longer Theocona fic for a while now, I didn't think it'd be like this, especially given how it's. Rusty. But if you read through it all: Thank you!

While I love these fools, I'm not too sure when the next time I'll write another fic for them. Theo's really hard to write, and I have so many older wips I need to finish... Maybe sooner than later I'll have another, but an established relationship themed one...

Thank you again for reading!

Masterlist || Ikevamp Server

Tag list (Please DM/Send an ask if you'd like to be added/removed):

@aeoncryptic @anianakin @judgemental-seal​ @shookspearewrites @stehkotori @niintendoqs @otomefoxystar @blu-tigerr @jazzellen @cinnatwisted @buswilligan @tacogawa @kim-stitches @passionatebooklover @rinringo23 @aurora-morning @kimmy-banana

[pedrito-friskito]

the way we were / the way we are - chapter 4 - if I should go before you

summary: steve is nowhere to be found, and you make an unlikely friend.

warnings: none

a/n: writing love letters brings me joy I should really do it more often

(series masterlist) (main masterlist) (ao3)

Finding Steve proves to be harder than you anticipated.

You stood at the station until the bus disappeared from view. The pain in your chest is just…there. It doesn’t throb or pulse, it’s not in time with your heartbeat. It’s just there. The other women standing at the station were all huddled together, finally leaving once they’d collected themselves enough. You’d done the same, wiping your eyes on your sleeve and heading determinedly away from the station, towards Steve’s house as quickly as your feet will carry you.

The house is dark when you get there. There’s a few other people milling about the complex, a man in a rocking chair a few houses down from Steve’s, sitting on his porch, smoking a pipe. The smoke seems to linger everywhere. You knock on the door a few times, peer through the windows when Steve’s tiny figure doesn’t appear on the other side of the doorframe. There’s no sign of a break-in, no cracked windows or missing articles from the house. Through the window, you can see the photograph of Steve’s mother, Sarah, on the mantle, her smile warm even through the foggy glass.

“Kid never came home last night,” the old man calls to you, refilling his pipe. “Usually checks in on me when he does, makes sure I’m still alive. Good kid. Dunno where he’s gone.”

You walk over to the man, your hands clasped. “You know Steve?”

The man just nods, lighting the pipe again. The smoke is sour-smelling and makes your stomach turn. “Good kid. Hope he’s okay.”

The realization hits you like a punch in the gut.

You’d left Steve at the recruitment building last night, after he and Bucky had said their goodbyes.

Bucky’s voice echoes through your mind: “They’ll catch you. Or worse, they’ll actually take you.”

“Oh god.”

It only takes you a fraction of the time it should to reach the recruitment building. Your feet move faster than you’d thought you could go, and your lungs are burning by the time you skid through the doors.

“Steven Grant Rogers,” you gasp out, lunging for the front desk. The woman behind it looks startled, and you realize you probably look a mess, tear-stained and red-faced. “I need to know if he was recruited.”

The woman just stares at you, wary. “I can’t give out that information, ma’am. It’s confidential.”

“He’s my brother,” you say, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. “He’s my brother, and our parents are dead, and he’s the only one I have left in this world. I need to know if he was recruited, and if he was, I need you to tell me where he is.” It’s a bold face lie, but you don’t care.

It must be the desperation in your voice, because the woman’s face softens and she glances down at the paperwork in front of you. “Why don’t you have a seat? Would you like a glass of water?”

You shake your head. “I just need to know where he is. Please.”

“I can tell you that, my dear,” a man says, and you turn and see a kind face smiling at you. He’s an older man, his hair a grey tuft atop his head, his eyes crinkled at the edges and hidden behind thick glasses that make his eyes almost comically large. His accent is undeniably German. “Dr. Abraham Erskine, if it please you, Mrs. Barnes. Steve mentioned you might be coming by.” He holds out his hand and to you, and you take it almost reluctantly. “Let’s get you something a little stronger than water, what do you say?”

You nod. “That would be nice.” And let Dr. Erskine lead you to one of the back rooms of the building. It’s a makeshift office, containing a desk and a few chairs. There’s paperwork littered across the desk, and you recognize Steve’s photograph amongst the papers. “Where is Steve?”

“Mr. Rogers was sent to Camp Lehigh early this morning.”

You blink. “Basic training? But Steve is-”

“Not your average soldier?” Erskine finishes, a small grin pulling at his lips. “No, no, it’s very clear to me, Mrs. Barnes, exactly what kind of man young Steven is.”

“How did you know who I was?” you ask, and Erskine slides a glass across the desk to you, filled with a healthy amount of what you hope is whiskey.

“Steven mentioned his friend Mr. Barnes, hoping to be assigned to the same regiment as him. Unfortunately that’s not something I have a say in arranging, but when he realized he would be leaving first thing, he mentioned that a pretty young woman might come looking for him and gave me your name.” He eyes you with a sympathetic smile, and reaches across to pat your hand. “I’ve been doing this job long enough to see a woman fretting over her husband, Mrs. Barnes.”

“I made a promise to him, that I would look out for Steve,” you reply, and take a long sip of your drink. It is whiskey, you notice, and it burns on the way down, but does nothing to ease the pain in your chest.

Erskine just nods. “Have you been married long?”

“March of this year.”

“Ah, newlyweds,” he says with a tsk. “I wish your husband a safe return from battle, Mrs. Barnes.” He lifts his glass and holds it out to you. “May you live a long and healthy life together.”

Your glasses touch together with a satisfying clink and you take another sip. “Thank you, Dr. Erskine.”

He nods, sets his glass down, and folds his hands together on the desk. “Now, in the matter of Steven, I’m afraid there’s not much I can tell you that isn’t confidential. Some of the training at Camp Lehigh is…experimental in nature, but I assure you, Steven won’t be seeing the front lines anytime soon.”

“Is there any way you could get me into the camp?” you ask. “So I can see him?”

Erskine thinks for a moment. “There are very few women allowed on the grounds, Mrs. Barnes, and all of them are higher ranking than even myself. But I do have a few friends in…high places, as it were. Perhaps I can make a few calls, pull a few strings. Are you educated?”

You shift a little in your seat. “I finished school, if that’s what you mean. I was contemplating college when I met Bucky.”

“Your husband?”

“Yes.”

He nods, and scribbles something down on a piece of paper. “Any special skills? Anything that might be useful?”

“I can type ninety words a minute,” you say, feeling your cheeks heat, “and I can draw.”

More scribbling. “Can you shoot a weapon?”

“My father taught me to shoot a handgun. It’s been a while, but I’d learn again.”

Erskine is grinning. “You live in the city, Mrs. Barnes?”

You nod. “My parents live near the pier, but I spend most of my time at the bookstore. Bucky’s parents own it; Barnes & Noble.”

“And if one were need to contact you, or leave a message, that would be the best place?”

You nod again. “Yes, sir.”

Erskine finishes the rest of his drink, then pats your hand again. “I wish I could give you more information, Mrs. Barnes, but I beg you, do not lose hope. I will see what can be done, and I’ll be in touch. Is there a message, anything I could pass along to Steven?”

“Do you have a pen?”

+

Steve,

First of all, I should throttle you for leaving without saying goodbye properly, but I’ll save it for when I see you in person. It didn’t take me long to figure out where you’d gone, and after I left Bucky at the bus station I…well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? You’ve enlisted, you got what you wanted.

Second of all, if you see Bucky, tell him I love him. He’s only been gone half a day and I’m already a wreck.

Dr. Erskine seems like a very nice man. I hope he stays true to his word, and I hope I’ll see you real soon.

All my love, don’t get killed.

Mrs. Y/N Barnes

PS – that’s the first time I’ve written my name like that. What do you think?

+

A few weeks pass before you get a reply from Steve, or a letter from Bucky.

You spend most of your time at the bookstore, helping Becca run things, re-shelving books and reorganizing the shelves. The store is mostly quiet, the war having taken hold of the city, and everyone’s extra money with it. Bucky’s dad lets you read whatever you want, and you spend most nights sleeping in the office.

It’s not that you don’t want to go home. You make a point to see your parents and Jane for dinner at least twice a week. Jane seems to be doing better, still grieving her loss, but she seems happier each time you return, filling you in on what she’s been up to. She asks after Bucky a lot, and you tell her to come down to the store sometimes, spend some time with you and Becca.

Nearly a month after Steve and Bucky’s departures, Erskine hand delivers letters from both of them to you at the bookstore, having intercepted Bucky’s letter somehow. The doctor seems a good man, but you suspect he has some secrets. He mentions nothing of the strings he could pull, and you don’t pry, though the curiosity nearly eats you alive. The doctor delivers the letters, purchases a copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and departs, simply telling you, “I’ll be in touch, Mrs. Barnes.”

You wait until the store is closed, until Becca has disappeared upstairs for the night and you’ve retreated into the office, before tearing into the letters. You open Bucky’s first, sinking onto the mattress and unfolding the pages.

To the most beautiful girl in Brooklyn,

I told you I’d write, didn’t I? You’ll have to excuse the smudged ink. It’s wet out here, but I’m doing my best.

There’s not much I can tell you. They told us they’re reading every letter we send, making sure no one is smuggling information across enemy lines. Can you believe that? We’re already fighting and dying for our country, and people want to make it even harder. Crazy. Crazy world we live in.

Crazy, but not as crazy as I am about you.

I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the moment I landed in England. You’re all I think about, doll. You’re all that keeps me going. Well, you and Steve. I hope he’s keeping you busy, hope he’s keeping your mind occupied. 

Hope Jane and your parents are doing well, send them my love, will you? And my folks. Tell Becca I’m bringing her back the best book I ever read.

I wish there was more to say, but I’ll just leave it at I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person. I can’t wait to be home with you, I can’t wait for this war to be over so we can start our life together.

I took a picture of you with me, did you know that? It’s from our wedding day, the one we took outside the church. Never seen such a beautiful woman in my life. The most beautiful girl in Brooklyn, and she’s my wife!

A few of the other guys in my unit have bugged me about it. I always take it out before I go to sleep, touch your face, pretend I’m home with you for a moment. I don’t care, they can say whatever they want. I married the most beautiful girl in Brooklyn.

I love you, never forget that.

I’ll see you real soon, baby.

Bucky

PS – give Steve a hug for me, will you?

You’re an absolute wreck by the time you reach the end.

You didn’t expect many details about the war. Jane had mentioned her letters from Isaac to you, and said they were the same. The men weren’t allowed to say where they really were, what battle they were fighting. If the letter ended up in the wrong hands, it could compromise the whole US effort.

The tears don’t stop, and you read the letter over and over. He doesn’t know about Steve. He doesn’t know they actually took him, that Steve’s in New Jersey, training to be a soldier, training to join Bucky across the water.

What if they meet on the other side? you think to yourself. What if Bucky finds out I broke my promise? You swore you’d look out for Steve, and you couldn’t even do that. It’s not entirely your fault, you try to reason with yourself. You’d both left him at the recruitment building that night, you just never thought they’d actually take him.

You also never thought you’d marry a soldier.

You read Bucky’s letter a few more times, your fingers tracing over the words. The ink is smudged in some places, like he’d mentioned, and there are a few water droplets staining the paper. You fold the paper carefully, slide it back into its envelope, and open Steve’s letter.

He’s much more brief than Bucky, but you can’t say you’re surprised.

Mrs. Y/N Barnes,

I got to tell you, the name has a nice ring to it, Y/N. Not a day has gone by since you and Buck met that I haven’t counted his lucky stars for him. He really found his perfect match in you, and I’m grateful for it.

I’m sorry for not saying goodbye, but knowing Buck was leaving was already painful enough. Dr. Erskine had kind things to say about you, said he might be able to pull a few strings. Maybe that means I’ll see you sooner than later. I sure hope so.

Steven G. Rogers (xo)

His bracketed affection brings a smile to your face, and you swipe under your eyes once more. “Damn it,” you whisper to yourself.

You read through Bucky’s letter a few more times, and fall asleep on the mattress, the pages still clutched in your grip.

+

More days pass before you hear from Dr. Erskine again. It’s a cloudy morning and you wake up in the office to an incessant knocking on the front window. You wrap yourself in the blanket and head for the front of the store, flicking on the lights as you go.

The doctor stands on the other side of the door, an umbrella clutched in his grip and a patient smile on his face. “Good morning, Mrs. Barnes. Did I wake you?”

“Dr. Erskine,” you say around a yawn. “What time is it?”

“Six in the morning,” he replies, his voice almost cheerful. “I must speak to you, my dear. I’m afraid it’s rather urgent.”

You blink hard, confused, and wave the doctor inside, shutting the door behind him and locking it. He closes his umbrella and leaves it leaning against the door. “Is everything all right?” you ask, pulling the blanket tighter around your shoulders. “What’s happened?”

He smiles at you, reaches out and touches your cheek gently. “Oh, my dear, I wish I could tell you everything.”

You let out a little laugh, thinking of Bucky and Steve’s letters. “I’ve been getting that a lot lately.”

“All you need to know right now, Mrs. Barnes, is that our dear Steven has proven himself to be exactly the kind of young man I had hoped for.” With that, he reaches into the pocket of his coat, and pulls out a small leather pouch. Wordlessly, he hands it to you, and you take it with a lifted brow. “I cannot tell you what this is, but I need you to believe me when I tell you that you must keep it safe.”

You pull the zipper on the pouch, revealing its contents. Inside are five glass vials, each capped in metal and containing a vibrant blue liquid that almost seems to glow. They each sit inside their own slot in the pouch, pieces of leather holding them in place.

You open your mouth to say something, but the doctor holds up a hand. “I cannot say anything more, Mrs. Barnes, and I’m afraid I must leave you now. Keep them safe, and keep yourself safe.” He touches your cheek again, in an almost fatherly way, and gives you a small smile. “I haven’t forgotten what I promised. There are strings that still need pulling, but I’ll be speaking to Agent Carter about you this morning.”

Without another word, Dr. Erskine turns on his heel, collects his umbrella, and disappears out the door.

You inspect the vials a little while longer, daring to touch one of them. The liquid feels almost warm beneath the glass, and it seems glow brighter at your touch. It feels almost electric, like static passing from the vials and through your skin.

You tuck the pouch into the very back of the safe hidden behind a false wall in the office, hiding it behind an original copy of Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

You force yourself not to overthink the strange look in the doctor’s eyes, and go about your day.

+

Bucky’s letters are steady, for some time. They’re mostly the same, always with some mention that he can’t tell you what’s actually going on, always reminding you how much he loves you, how he can’t wait to see you.

And at the end of every letter: I’ll see you real soon, baby.

You send replies, condensing your days on the pages. You almost have less to report than he does, you realize, struggling to find details to share with him. You mostly talk about the bookstore, about what you’ve been reading, what Mama made for dinner. You want to tell him everything, about Steve, about what happened with Erskine, the vials hidden in the safe, but you know you can’t.

There’s not another letter from Steve, and it worries you, paired with the disappearance of Dr. Erskine. You even go so far as to go looking for him at the recruitment building where you first met, but the woman behind the front desk tells you it’s been some time since she’s seen him.

As the summer winds down, fall taking hold of the world and plunging it into an orange-tinged dream, Bucky’s letters stop all together. The mailman must be sick of your pleading eyes and sad sighs when he walks past the bookstore without anything to deliver to you. It makes you nervous, and part of you is waiting for the death notice, waiting for a general to appear at the doorstep and confirm your worst fears.

It’s a crisp autumn morning when you decide you’ve had enough. You need answers. And you need them now.

You’re halfway to the recruitment building, honestly unsure of where else to start, when you see it. It looks almost identical to the Uncle Sam posters all over the city, only the person standing before you is different. Captain America, on tour! the poster reads, listing dates and locations beneath the words. You draw closer, inspecting the person. He’s dressed in an almost comical outfit, big white star on his chest, red and white stripes on his torso, an A on his blue helmet. He holds a shield in one hand, saluting with the other. It’s a painting, you know, but the likeness is unmistakable. You know that face. You know those eyes. But the body is wrong, shoulders are broad where they should be narrow, arms are thick with muscle where they should be thin, and his chest is wide and powerful.

Your fingers trace over the poster, brows pulling down as you keep staring at the man.

“Steve?”

___

end note: SLIGHT reveal on how reader will become a super-soldier. I watched the first avenger like ten times in a week and noticed when steve is first changed, there's a shot of the serum in some sort of case, and there's 12 slots in total, but only 7 vials. coincidence? now it is.

[tokoyamisstuff]

This Is New For Me

Loki x Reader

Summary: Life on Asgard can be straining - especially if the God of Mischief has taken a liking to you.

Warnings: Loki being so terrible at flirting it physically hurts, bullying, this got way angstier than I initially intended

Words: ~2800

A/N: I’ve written this trying to distract myself from personal problems, but honestly I can’t think straight rn. Dunno I kinda hate how this turned out but here you go I guess...sorry.

Loki Odinson must really despise you.

No matter how often Thor would stand up for his brother and try to justify his behavior, there was no other explanation for you other than that he must truly hate you with every essence of his being.

In the beginning, having been invited in the palace to train magic under the Allmother sounded like a once-in-a-lifetime chance - yet all that’s left from your initial excitement had been replaced by pure annoyance.

Lately, whenever you knew that you had to attend class with that certain raven-haired prince, your insides would churn before you even arrived.

Weeks have turned into months, never once ceasing his condescending remarks or childish pranks. Of course, he wasn’t called the God of Mischief for nothing.

All nine realms had tales to tell about his sheganinans - yet with you, he seemed especially invested. There was not one encounter where he could leave you at peace, always ending with you being victim to his wicked humor. 

The man did not seem to respect you at all - and it made you furious.

Today, you’d show him just what you were capable of!

“Greetings, great Allmother.” Polite as always, you bowed deeply in front of your queen, her magnificent presence still making you jittery beyond belief.

“No need for formalities, my lovely student” she responded heartily, only making you admire her even more - until a loud, exaggerated sigh cut through the calm atmosphere.

“Her again?” There he stood, maintaining his defensive pose as he rolled his eyes at you. “Mother, why would you keep on bringing a lowlife like her to defile this holy place?”

This was probably the millionth time that Frigga apologized deeply for her son’s behavior, and you were always amazed by her patience with him. How could a person so formidable end up raising such a troublemaker?

But then again...if she believes that there is good in the God of Mischief, then so would you.

“For today, I have prepared a spell that can only be cast by two mages at once”, Frigga explained, while Loki would still not bid you a single look. “So throughout this lesson, you will need to work together to succeed.”

Irritation was clearly visible on his face - and if you were perfectly honest, you weren’t really fond of that idea either. Yet if it was your scolar’s wish, none of you would protest.

“Spontaneous creation of complex concepts puts a huge stroll on one’s mind and body, so do not be frustrated if it doesn’t work within the first try.”

The idea was simple: Create a blooming meadow in midst of the palace floor, since creating life would be way too complex - only masters of the sorcery arts could take this spell to completion.

You and Loki were now sitting on the bare floor in front of each other and only now you realized how tense he had become, sweat dripping from his forehead and biting his bottom lip.

Was your presence really so terrible that he couldn’t bear with it?!

“Hey” you whispered, taking his hands to form a ring just as instructed “Don’t worry, we’re gonna get this!”

“I don’t need your encouragement...” he spat between gritted teeth, now that you noticed his palms were just as sweaty as his face seemed to be.

One second. Two, tree...fourty....a hundret and two...

“Relax” Loki repeated to himself as if it was his mantra - but now, with your fingers entangled in his? Sheer impossible.

Distraught, he shot his mother a desperate look, just for her to point  towards you, sitting cross-legged and seemingly completely relaxed.

Since your eyes were closed, Loki took this chance to observe every detail of your face, without having to fear that you’d notice his little infatuation.

By the norns - you were as fair and bewitching as always. So way, way out of his league. An unreachable, vigorous being. No angel, valkyrie or similar could ever reach up to you - at least in his eyes.

Was this what they called love at first sight? Loki only knew those sentiments from novels he always ridiculed before he got to know you.

Slowly and steadily, Loki aligned his breathing pattern with yours, picturing the cycle of energy the two of you formed. Carefully, he began infusing you with his magic, trying his best to allow yourself do the same to him.

Another minute passed by and you were finally able to let your magic flow through each other’s bodies entirely, like a serene stream.

With things being like this, he felt so different from the Loki you knew.

His magic was strong, indeed - but so gentle, warm and somehow comfortable to be coated with. You wondered-

“HEY!”

As soon as Loki slapped your hand away, breaking the cycle, all of the flowers that had previously bloossomed through you would wither in an instant.

“What the hel do you think you’re doing, you mewling quim?!” Loki shoutet as loud as his lungs allowed him to, while his mother’s face distorted in second-hand-embarrasment at her son’s choice of words. “Who do you think you are?!”

“I-I’m sorry, I just-” You only wanted to scan his emotions through the magic bond you shared, just peek under the cover for a mere second - what was he so afraid of you to find?

“Know your place, woman!” The god pointed at you before he rushed up, ignoring the ache in his heart as he saw your face contort in sadness. “You are beneath me, never forget that!”

Why were you even surprised?

“You’re right” you sniveled quietly as you balled a fist in your dress, and Loki hated himself so much that he wished to just disappear. “My apologies. You don’t have to put up with me ever again.”

As always, instead of fighting, you made your leave without ever fighting back.

Frigga’s pleads for you to stay and talk this over were all for naught when you rushed away, muttering curses directed towards youself rather than anyone else.

Instead of scolding her son, she’d punish him through her silence, furiously shaking her head as she rushed away as well.

Why did he always have to ruin everything?!

The God of Mischief was very well aware that whenever you were close, his mind went completely blank - and that made him panic.

Never before he had felt so goddamn vulnerable in front of anything, terrifying him beyond belief.

And Loki loathed that feeling: Losing control over himself, being reminded once again how alone and  unloveable he is, facing a goddess as stunning as you are every single day.

So he concluded it to be best to cope like he did all those millenia: Cover up those insecurities, shove his anxieties in the back of his heart and protect his heart from anyone coming close.

Good thing you believed that presumptupus, disoblinging duplicity of his to be his true self.

That would make it easier for the both of you, having as much distance as humanly possible. Vicinity could become dangerous terrain.

Yes, he would only save you some time - it would be a waste if you would try to actually give him a chance, just to be let down by what kind of disappointment he truly was.

But it wouldn’t end here - since the only way Loki Odinson first and only communication was through causing mischief.

A scream of yours startled the servants early in the morning, with your personal maiden being the first to rush to your side.

“Milady, wha-” She stopped in her tracks as she saw you standing in front of the mirror, touching your scalp in disbelief, where everything had been cut short.

That was it. Enough of it!

Dismissing the servants, you took a scissor and tried to at least make an acceptable hairstyle out of the mess he had made, before you would leave to the royal garden.

“You!” Pointing towards Loki, innocently sitting on a bench to watch the sunrise, you screamed and let a strand of hair run from your fingers to the floor. “You did this!”

“Now relax, would you” he chuckled, wearing his smug grin like a trophy as he defendingly held his hands into the air. “You should be grateful, it looks much better like this.”

Next thing he knew was the feeling of your backhand, mercilessly crushing against his collarbone.

Usually, you’d be shocked at yourself, for you had never been a person to choose violence ever before - but right now, you were too full of anger and hurt to even realize.

“You conniving craven pathetic worm!” you exclaimed, breathing heavily as you swung yet another fist towards the prince - however, he grabbed your wrists, trapping you in his hold.

In his life full of wrongdoings, he had been called worse than that - yet still, hearing insults coming from you of all people shot arrows through his heart with every word escaping his lips. Not that he’d ever admit, though.

“It was just a little prank.” Loki would’ve never thought that his actions would affect you this much. “What are you so worked up about?”

“All this time I believed there could be a good person beneath all that...but now what?” The compassion you detected in his eyes were only upsetting you even more. “You are a selfish, cruel and terrible person, and I gave up on you.”

Loki let go off of you, staring at you in disbelief:

You actually believed in him, all this time?! That was impossible!

If anything, the Odinson had always believed you to ignore his existence completely, if he wouldn’t use such drastic measures to attract your attention.

“Wait a second, I-”

“I hope you know that you deserve to be alone...” you sniveled, turning around to face him one last time before you fled the scene. “And you always will be.”

Several minutes had passed until Loki had given up in silencing he voices inside his head that told him you were right: He was indeed a despicable being, tainting your pure goodwill - repelling anyone that would still be willing to give the God of Mischief a chance.

Out of a whim, he jumped up from his place, wanting to rush after you. He was very well aware that he was probably beyond forgiveness by now, yet he at least wanted to make things up to you - even though he had no clue where to start.

“Calm down, Lady Y/N.”

Thor’s voice drang to Loki’s ears just a mere second before he saw that particular heart-wrenching scene unfold in front of him:

You were lying in his brother’s arms, crying to your heart’s extend while soothed you, softly petting what remained from your hair.  Loki remained hidden in the shadows, even though his guts told him to stab his brother right here and now.

“My brother...you know-” The God of Thunder was trying to find the right words, even though poetic speeches were not really his forte. “It’s just his speecial, twisted way of interacting. Who knows where he got that from.”

“I rather wonder if he realized how his behavior truly makes me feel” you snapped back, unwilling to keep defending him. “Weak and worthless, that’s how I feell. And every time our ways cross, he’s making it worse!”

By the gods, Loki never wanted to make you feel that way, let alone think such ways about yourself! He of all people, who knew best what its like to feel unfit and nowhere near enough.

Loki grabbed the fabric of his shirt tight, feeling that his heart might burst if he didn’t. It took everything in him to not let out a loud sob and be caught - but then, his brother snapped him out of it with an impossible question:

“Do you still love him?”

“L-Love might not be the right word, I mean-” Lately, you had let Thor in on your secret admiration for his younger brother. “With the way he’s treating me, and all-”

You just couldn’t help being drawn to him against all reason. After everything you had endured, just to be close to him - and he never even acknowledged your feelings.

And still, here you were, crying over a man that didn’t want you.

“Lady Y/N?”

Loki’s voice made you panic, immediately wriggling out of Thor’s embrace. The Odinson understood immediately, nodding towards his brother before leaving the two of you alone.

“Since when have you been standing there?!” Panic dropped to your stomach, wondering just how much he had heared.

“From the very beginning.”

Before you could even think about what to do now, Loki summoned a dagger, cutting off his raven locks in one swift move. “Wha-”

“Please, accept this as means of apology.” The man now dropped to one knee, humbly facing the ground. “I have never intended to make you doubt your most perfect self.”

Frantic, you were scanning his voice, face, anything for the slightest hint of a lie - but nothing. Loki seemed determined and sincere when he looked up to you, hesistantly taking a hold of your hand.

“This is new for me...” he uttered under his breath as his lips graced your knuckles, and only now you realized that he was trembling ever so slightly. 

“I-Is that another trick?!”

“What kind of vicious being do you think I am?” Well, after everything he had commited it was only natural of you accusing him. “There are lines not even I do not cross.”

Only for a brief second your heart felt a little bit lighter, as his eyes were locked with yours, lost in this moment you have been waited for so long...

...a little too unexpected, right?

Suddenly, you tugged your hand away, and Loki could only sigh in frustration. Of course it won’t be that easy for him to gain your trust. “I don’t need your pity, Loki...”

No matter how he racked his brain around the matter, he had burdened your shared past probably beyond the point of repair.

That would be his last chance, maybe the last time he’d ever see you again. He was so desperate in his attempt, and yet - what else could he do?

So for the first time in millenias, the God of Mischief decided to speak from the heart for a change:

"Y/N, I-I...As I said, this is new for me, so...” he cleared his throat before continuing, stress literally dropping out of every pore. “From the first day we’ve met, you...I mean...you were the most magnificent being I ever laid eyes upon, and...when I think about it now, I-I may be enarmored with you.”

Your eyes widened at this wholeheartedly confession, a sincere smile playing on his lips in contrast of sole tears running down his face.

Never before you had seen him like that: Flustered, vulnerable, and honest...

“I thought to be unworthy of your affection, so I tried to belittle you, to...I don’t even know. I’ve been told many times I am quite assertive of anyone but myself. I-I mean, I am a mess...I don’t understand my own feelings and thus drive away any chance of happiness, and...how could you ever-?”

“Mhh...” you silenced the man as your lips crushed over his, falling straight into his arms. It took Loki quite a second to fully grasp the situation before deepening the kiss, his arms wrapping around you as if you’d disappear if he was to ever let go.

“Y/N...” the prince gasped when your lips parted from that breathtaking kiss - and this time it was you who wore that thug grin on your face.

"Apology accepted” you giggled, just to smother the face of this flabbergasted man in yet another thousand smaller kisses.

This had to be a dream, he thought...and immediately, a wave of guilt washed over him. He did not deserve this in the slightest.

“Now, don’t give me that look.” Cupping Loki’s face in your hands, you gifted him that heartwarming expression he had ignored for so many years, thinking it was not meant for him. “That kiss wiped my memory from everything you’ve done...by now.”

Out of sheer, genuine happiness, Loki leaped from the floor and excitedly swirled you around in his arms.

After another kiss that would kick the air right out of your lungs. the god would peck a more gentle one afterwards, as sweet and tender as no one ever thought he could be.

Even if it’s gonna be a long way, Loki would prove to be worthy of your love.

“Lady Y/N...if you are to believe in me, then I swear I will be on my best behavior from now on!”

"Let's see about that."

[isolemnlyswear]

hey ev 🤭 could u pls write something abt remus showing the marauders map to the reader and explaining how to use it? tysm 😁😁😚😚

i solemnly swear | r.l |

warnings/content : remus lupin x fem!reader , platonic!marauders x reader , swearing, mentions of sex, lots of cheeky lil jokes,

taglist : @oldschoolkiddo @amourtentiaa @anchoeritic @faeinorbit @mistress-riddle @inks-and-jinx @jxsperhxle @punkrific @mellifluous-cosmos @krasivayadarling @orifortheweeknd @fallin-4-ya @daisyyy2516 @hoe4cedricdiggory @vsawyer1989 @fathermarty @silly-little-bl0g @outerspacecalum (tell me if you’d like to be added!)

note : thank you for beta-reading @miss-starkov <3 if any of you would like to beta read for a future fic lmk <3

a/n : yes i chose the title for my username. no i don’t regret it. and i’m sorry there is not much romantic interaction between rem and reader in this!! it’s more platonic w the marauders and remus is cute at the end but. <3

•••

You're curious; that's all there is to it. You're desperate to open the complex folds of parchment and reveal whatever may be inside – that is, your boyfriend didn't tell you what it was before accidentally leaving it on his desk. And now he was gone, attempting to rally up the rest of the boys and prevent them from doing a reckless prank or two, leaving you alone to fight your urge to open it.

And it's stupid, really, but you give in. You sit down carefully on the desk – attempting not to make any noise, although not another soul is in the room – and pick up the paper.

You clasp gentle fingers around it, trying to open it up, but it doesn't open. It's as if it's locked; so you pull out your wand and tap it gently, reciting a quiet “Alohamora”.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work, and you berate yourself mentally for not realizing that Remus, along with the others, the master of all spells and tricks, would make it as simple as that.

You huff in annoyance, turning it around and inspecting the small lettering and drawings scrawled there.

Suddenly, you jump out of your seat, practically throwing the paper across the room when you hear the boys entering the room, clamoring loudly and speaking over one another.

“Where’d you put it, Moons? We need it, now,” Sirius asks, clearly annoyed.

“I don't want to give it to you if you're going to be gits about it–” the lycanthrope pauses as he turns around, finally setting his eyes on you. You're curled into the chair, worried you'll be chided for looking at this clearly important thing in the first place.

There's a few moments of silence, and Remus walks over to you, leaning against the wall flush to his desk. You open your mouth to speak, but Remus does the same.

“I'm sorry–”

“Now, what did you find?” Remus’s voice overpowers yours, for the cadence is slower and deeper, but it's not haranguing in the least; he, like you, is merely curious.

“I-I dunno,” you respond, eyes wide, and Sirius fights back laughter in the background, with James sitting opposite him wearing a prideful smirk.

“Well, I think you have what these twats want,” he says, shooting them a pointed glare, then looking back to you. He offers out his hands for you to give him back the paper, and you do so, cowering back into your chair, still scared of being reprimanded for looking through his private items.

“I'm sorry, I–” you begin, but Remus merely smiles.

“Don't be sorry. Y’were bound to find out somehow,” he says, fetching his wand from his back pocket.

“What-what is it?” you ask, now eyes wide with inquisition rather than fear. He doesn't respond, but he grins, raising an eyebrow and tapping the paper with his wand - much like you did.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

The map - yes, you can see it's a map now - unfolds, intricacies making themselves seen as it flattens into a complex web of footsteps and pathways on the faded parchment.

You exhale in pure bewilderment, eyes wide and mouth agape.

“The marauder's map,” James says from the other side of the room, grin plastering his features, and Sirius has a similar one embellishing his.

“What does it do?” you finally ask, leaning toward Remus to get a better look at it.

“Hmm… Have a look up in that corner, yeah, there,” he says, and you point your finger to where you are - the Gryffindor tower - and find four pairs of footsteps in a dorm room. This door room.

And sure enough, there is one pair of footsteps directly next to another; one is labeled “Remus Lupin” and the other “Y/N L/N”.

You take in a sharp inhale, looking up at Remus, who has a shit-eating grin on his face, and then he straightens up to take a step. Your eyes flick from him, walking across the dorm to James, and to the map, which mirrors his movements exactly.

“Did- how did you make this?” you ask, eyebrows furrowing in inquiry, and if possible, Remus’s smile gets even wider.

“Take a few spells, tap into the ward system that Hogwarts already has… easy going, really!” Remus says, biting his lip as he grins again.

“Says the man that took four months to make it, let alone thinking up the idea since we fuckin’ got here,” James jabs with a roll of his eyes and a smirk, and Remus punches him in the arm, scrunching his nose.

“Hey, Prongs, I helped too,” Sirius pouts in feigned annoyance, and Remus scoffs.

“If by helping you mean telling me exactly who on the map we've pranked and attempting to list off every student in the whole bloody school, then sure, Pads, you helped,” the sandy-haired boy replies, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh fuck off, I got to about seventy.”

“The greatest wizard in our year! An uncanny ability to list off names of his peers! Get this man an award!” James says with great bravado, slapping his hands to his cheeks and getting up to kneel below Sirius.

“Bugger off, you two, or I'll maul you as Padfoot.”

“Ah! the big bad wolf! Let me protect you, Y/N, or he’ll come for our necks!” Remus says, holding back laughter, but you don't. You're giggling obsessively as the boy runs over to sweep you in his arms, feigning a growl at Sirius and guarding you with his limbs.

Sirius laughs, but it's distorted as he transforms into his animagus, a large, fluffy black dog, and runs at you.

He jumps at you – not with any attention to hurt, of course – and paws at your shoulders, grinning his doggy grin and you reach your arms from Remus’s grasp to ruffle the fur behind his ears.

A few minutes of gentle playfighting pass, and after your laughter subsides you're able to focus your attention back on the map.

You've moved to the couch now, and you're sprawled across Remus’s lap with his hands playing delicately with your hair. Sirius, the dog that is, is lying on top of you, and you're petting him idly as James rattles on about his latest endeavor with Lily.

The map catches your eye again, and you pick it up, diverting your attention from the dog on your lap and to your wand. You recite the words as Remus told you, and it opens, revealing two footsteps on top of each other where you're sitting.

James stops talking, and you look up at Remus.

“Where's Pads?” you ask, and the mess of fur on top of you perks his head up at the mention of his name.

“It doesn't show people in their animagus form,” Remus explains.

“Ah, that's why the animagus shit is useful, huh? Other than the, y’know, full moon,” you say, and Remus nods, smiling at you. “It does show us overlaid on each other, though,” you observe with a raised eyebrow, and James scoffs in laughter.

“That means we can see you when you-”

“James,” Remus warns, cutting off the bespectacled boy with a firm look, and Sirius lets out his dog laugh (a sort of snort and shake of his big head). James holds his hands up as if in surrender, and you laugh.

“Just sayin’, don't try anything.”

“Oh believe me, I will have this with me at all times we are–”

“Fucking?” James interrupts bluntly, cocking his head to the side.

Remus sighs. “I was going to say alone.”

“Same thing,” you say quietly, giggling, and Remus fights back a smirk.

“Moving on very quickly from that,” the lycanthrope says after a few beats, and you grin, sitting up in his lap to cuddle into his chest. Sirius jumps up and into his human form, laying back onto the couch and opening his mouth to speak.

“Ah-” Remus chides, “no ruining it. Twas so nice when you were silent,” he sighs in feigned wistfulness, and you laugh.

“Fuck off, you twat,” Sirius says, beginning to ramble on again, and you nestle into Remus’s lap, inhaling his scent with your face in his neck.

“M’tired,” you speak into his collarbone after a few minutes, and he smiles, kissing your forehead.

“Sleep, pretty girl. I'll be here when you wake up.”

[some-messed-up-writing-for-you]

Hero is young compared to Supervillain. Supervillain can tell Hero is getting depressed and overwhelmed so they send their druggie/fuck up of a son, Villain, to fuck with Hero. Villain gets Hero to drink, smoke pot, etc and they wind up sleeping together which causes Hero to latch onto Villain. Villain doesn't feel here or there about Hero; They'll take the companionship, but they're dealing with their own shit so this is just a way to distract themself.

Request #15

Warning: nsfw, dub-con, alcohol & drug intake, manipulation.

A bit of a more complex one, but fun nonetheless!

Enjoy! [:

~~~~

Hero heaved out a tired sigh as the thugs they had just stopped a few minutes ago got taken away by the police. They collapsed down into a sitting position, legs hanging off the side of the rooftop they were on. The hero stifled a yawn and rubbed at their sore eyes, dark circles hiding beneath their mask. As they watched the city's artificial lights mix with the moonlight's glow, their mind began to wander to places they did not want to visit but really couldn't stop themself from exploring.

At the same time, on top of a nearby building, two figures cloaked in the darkness observed as Hero got lost in their thoughts.

"Damn, I can't even see their face, and this bitch still looks depressed as fuck." - Villain muttered, their own mind tired but still much more 'collected' than the hero's. Their comment earned them a look from their superior, Supervillain.

"Just go and get the job done." - the older criminal ordered, a dark hint to their voice. The villain silently stood there for a moment before giving them a small shrug and moving towards the rooftop's edge.

"You got it, pops." - they responded in a monotone voice and jumped towards the next building. Villain moved from one rooftop to another, their footsteps silent, undetectable, deadly.

"If only all that skill had gone to someone less pathetic." - the supervillain thought bitterly and then retreated out of sight, disappearing amidst the shadows.

Hero, still unaware of the presence standing right behind them, quietly mumbled to themself, "...Why the hell did I pick this job...?"

"I dunno, 'cause you're a dumbass?" - the villain answered from behind the hero, startling them and nearly making them fall off the edge. They hurriedly got up into a fighting stance, ready to defend themself.

Villain only snorted in amusement, walking to the edge and sitting next to where Hero had been just a moment ago. They patted the ground next to them, inviting the hero to sit, "How's about we talk instead, ay?"

With a small grin, they added, "You look like you could use a break."

"..."

Hero, very much convinced this was some sort of trick, continued to stand there, ready for combat. The villain's grin left their face, and they turned their gaze to the city below. "Alright then, guess I'll just do the talking."

"..."

"So, like I was saying. You're a dumbass."

"..."

"Like, come on, man, you think you can just keep up this little heroic act forever?"

"Yes." - Hero finally answered through gritted teeth.

"Oh! So you can talk after all! You're still lying to yourself, though." - Villain said, a stupid smile on their face that infuriated the other to no end. It upset them because the criminal was right. And Hero hated that fact so much.

Deciding to keep up their lies, the hero responded, "I'm doing perfectly fine, thank you very much."

"Yeah, 'cause sulking all by yourself on a random rooftop in the middle of the night sounds so healthy." - Villain pressed, pissing Hero off even more, their body slowly shaking with anger.

"Ugh! Just what do you want?!" - they exclaimed, glaring at their enemy. They didn't have time for this! They- They didn't want to deal with this... They knew just how miserable they were... they didn't need a reminder...

"I just wanna help ya out." - the villain answered, giving the hero an oddly convincing look. There was pity in their eyes, but also... understanding?

Gah! No, that makes no sense! What could... Villain possibly know...

"You want to... help me...?"

"Yup!"

"...Why?"

Villain silently looked at them for a moment before their eyes went to the city lights once more. "Everybody needs a break from their own mind's bullshit every once in a while, no?" - They quietly asked.

Hero was unsure of how to respond, doubt creeping into their thoughts. Should they trust them? Perhaps... just one time wouldn't hurt? Before they could answer, however, the villain stood and offered them their hand, catching them off guard again. "Come on. You could use a distraction."

"And so could I..." - Villain thought, as they watched the hero internally battle themself, considering their options. After what felt like an eternity of silence, Hero relaxed their stance and, with a small sigh, slowly approached the villain and took their hand.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"This is where you live?" - Hero questioned, a bit astonished at the state of the apartment the villain had taken them to. While the place was a decent size, it was an absolute mess. Dirty laundry and trash were scattered everywhere; it smelled about as good as it looked.

"Then again... who am I to judge...?" - the hero thought bitterly, remembering that their own home wasn't looking that much better.

"Lovely little place I got, ay?" - Villain responded, dropping themself onto a big gross couch. What were all those stains from exactly? Hero decided they didn't need to nor want to know and sat next to them.

"Uh... yeah. So, what exactly are we here for?" - the hero asked, looking to the villain. The other merely scooted to the edge of the couch and pushed some trash aside, revealing a cooler. They pulled out two beers from it, handing one to their nemesis.

Before Hero could say anything, Villain, seemingly out of nowhere, pulled out a bottle opener and cracked both their drinks open. The villain immediately took a swig while the hero sat there for a moment, staring at their own bottle silently before thinking, "Oh, fuck it." and chugging nearly half of it.

"Ay! There ya go, Hero!" - Villain grinned, giving them a rough but friendly pat on the shoulder. Hero couldn't help but smirk a little themself. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad?

And then Villain pulled out a bag of some questionable powder.

The hero looked at them skeptically, taking another swig of their drink to cool their nerves. Their hesitance didn't go unnoticed by the other, who gave them an even wider grin. "Have you ever tried it?"

"Well.. no..." - Hero answered, the alcohol slowly getting to their system. God, why were they such a lightweight?

"Then don't knock it." - Villain continued, dumping the powder onto the table in front of the two, arranging it into neat little lines. The hero watched intently as the other leaned down and took one of the lines, inhaling it through their nose.

Hero set their beer aside and did their best to copy them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A few hours have passed. Both Hero and Villain were now waisted the fuck out of their minds, barely comprehending any of their actions. The two were leaning against each other, blabbering some nonsense that made them giggle.

The villain's hands suddenly found their way to the other's chest, lightly trailing up and down it. "Say, Hero, wanna make this even more fun?"

"How??" - the hero slurred as Villain got up and dragged them along to another room. The two managed to stumble their way into the criminal's bedroom, Hero landing on the bed with the villain right on top of them.

"Oh..." - they started, their hands wandering across their enemy's body seemingly on their own. "Alright." - they said, and Villain dragged them into a sloppy kiss.

Very quickly, both of them freed themself of their clothing, throwing it aside and letting it get lost in the endless sea of trash that was Villain's apartment. Their skin met and felt perfect against one another. Hands were roaming all over, memorizing each other's bodies, finding all the right spots to touch that drew sounds from them.

As their lips parted for air, they both groaned as their hips ground together, the friction rising pleasure in them. Hero wrapped their limbs around the villain's body, holding onto them as they slid into the hero.

Their mouths met again, moans becoming muffled, the sound of the bed creaking in rhythm with Villain's thrusts filled their ears. As their enemy hit the right spot, Hero's fingernails dug into their shoulders, their back arching into them as the other sped up.

It didn't take long for both their breathing to grow unsteady. Their thrusts and movements turning chaotic and sloppy as they neared their orgasms. The villain's name slipping past Hero's lips as their muscles clenched tight and flexed, Villain reaching their own finish in nearly perfect sync with them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Days went by, then weeks, then months. Criminal activity has been on a clear rise, civilians growing fearful and demanding to know why the hero was letting it happen, demanding that they do something, but their 'hero' was long gone now.

All this time, Hero had been meeting up with Villain more and more. They thought it would just be a one-time thing, but it had evolved into so much more. At first, it was just once a week or two... Then once every couple of days... And now...?

Now the hero was glued to the other's hip; they saw them every day, getting waisted beyond belief, getting lost in careless pleasure. People were dying, but Hero didn't care. Villains were winning, but Hero didn't care. They couldn't bring themself to care anymore...

Villain, meanwhile, was doing a bit better than them. They were glad to have a solid distraction for once. It felt nice to have company, to have someone else they could be miserable and ruined with every day of their existence.

Still, outside of that, though, the villain didn't care much. If Hero got hurt, then they could deal with it on their own, and if they died...?

Well, then they died, and Villain would have to find a replacement.

Just like they always did...

[insomnishnik]

pairing : obsessive! dom eren x god complex reader *wink* *wonk*

rating : smut, 18+, fluff, crack (?)

wc : 53k

cw : degradation, choking, semi public sex, art student! eren, cockwarming, pussy spanking, mention of bruises and injuries, breeding kink ish, obsessive behavior, stalking, borderline yandere 😁 also pliz I'm new so if this bad lemme know

summary : at the very end of graduation, it's time to say goodbye, college is over, now off to the real world. But before the farewell, you as the student president arrange the one last time after party as a sweet goodbye message, little do you know eren have other plan.

“DO WE HAVE TO?” you murmured as Hitch pushed your back while both of stepping inside of a coffee shop. Fragrance of coffee bean, vanilla air freshener wafted to your nose, the comforting wooden minimalist arabica design greeted your eyes for its pleasing aesthetic scenery.

"Yes, we have to i mean how bad could it be?" she grinned, pulling your arm to her clutches while both of you scoured inside, "besides, the past must stay as the past, it was just a silly president election it's not like he would hold grudges against you for getting elected," she continued, referring to the big college event far ago before the senior year. 

That one time when you and Eren Jaeger applied to be the student council president, and like how history spoke, the winner rejoiced, and nobody really care about what happens next to the loser. It was a though fight, you were quite determined to take that core position with your persona, you believed that you could bring greater goods for the community, and you DID do good, but Eren fought back passionately, and you remembered you could see fire in his eyes during his speech at the debate election, he may not smart but he's clever, maybe a little aggressive but hell does he moved so many people's heart, you remembered when he was standing tall and brave on that podium while his sea green eyes glued the room together, the intimacy that is fiery and optimistic, but as the whole world know destiny said otherwise, without your own anticipation 

you won. 

And since then your reign begun. You rule well, you made plenty achievements as student president and you never been so proud of yourself, since then you never lose your dedication for your people, and the feel of being a victor, and oh how you loved the feel of being powerful. 

You and Hitch walked upstairs to the second loft of the coffee shop after you both ordered the drinks you wanted, "I dunno Hitch, i don't think that this is a good idea," you mumbled to the girl next to you, while you scratching the back of your ear, "when Armin said not to mess with Eren i think he meant it."

Sure you were delighted with your victory, but you still couldn't help yourself to feel bad for Eren, there's this strange tingle of guilt vine your stomach when you, the possessor approached your ex rival far a month ago, he gave you this bitter dirty look as you waved him a polite good morning, then he stormed off without a single word, you felt like he was prestige to look into your eyes since then. 

"And when i said he was a wuss, and a man child for going all off emo after that election i also meant it," Hitch rolled her eyes, she pat your back as a reassurance before you two finally found the person you've been looking for, almost unrecognizable from the last time you guys bumped to each other, for a moment your eyes widened to the now Eren Jaeger.

 There he was sitting all pretty at the smoking area, his hair was pulled onto a messy bun with a few loose strands on his nape, he was far more built than the boy you used to know, his bushy eyebrows looking furrowed to a sketchbook, the charcoal pencil he's holding dances on top of it. He was styled in a thin knitted black long sleeve top that hugged his muscular body tightly, army green cargo pants, and combat boots — you know, those kind of boots you wear to a rock concert just to kick someone — his rolled sleeves, revealing his veiny arms that covered with tattoos. His long legs is stretched to the chair next to him while he is leaning against the wall. 

Hitch glanced at you, she cackled noticing you googling at Eren, she pulled you by your wrist approaching the brunet, "you'll be fine," she snickered, while you could only let out a soft sigh, here goes nothing. 

Hitch signal her presence to Eren with a light cough, a small thud hit the surface of his sketchbook after he dropped his pencil. His gaze shifts to both of you who were standing by his side, he raised his left brow when his eyes met yours, you stared back at Eren and he outstared you blankly, "Jaeger," you hesitated. 

About time you finally came to me.

"Y/N," he replied, calling you by your first name. His expression never change, they're rather cold, unimpressed, he studied both of you, then back to you, he lift his chin up as he locked his eyes on you, "you brought a friend." Intruder, he finally said after a brief silence, Eren closed his sketchbook and then cracked his knuckles, Hitch pulled you, taking a seat in front of Eren. 

"Now let's skip the chit chat, because by the way Eren, you smells musty," Hitch waved her hand in front of her face, she's not wrong though, he smells like tobacco and axe body spray. Furthermore when Hitch explained the reasons of hers and yours arrival to Eren, his gaze never really left you, sometimes he would spare Hitch small glances and nods as confirmation of himself still listening, but his attention was on you. 

And you willingly stares back, you still couldn't read his expression, they're as calm as the morning blue sky, they're just so empty it sucks you in, maybe it's the blunt hatred and envy from him for your presidential position, or maybe it was something else, you even almost think that you two are basically eye fucking each other. 

You extended him the proposal and the selected material details to him, it's almost graduation, and you're running out of time to find someone who could make an exclusive design for the jackets you are planning to make as a gift for the after party event. The other councilor members and you also haven't decide the theme yet, it has to be perfect. Your last hope is Eren, the fine arts student all the girls in school droll over, even though his charisma was slightly dimmed after his loss at the election, he still got his charm, and you really prayed to Goddess Fortuna because you don't want to risk looking for someone else to customize this specific special item and just to get disappoint by the erratic result, at least when Eren agree to take the work, someone could watch over.

"No fucking way," Eren let out a smug chortled, "the president needs my help," he added in a sneering tone. Cute. 

"So you agree or not Eren," you try to suppress your nerve, and you really try not to punch his cocky face, the way he throw his head back a little so he gave you this kind of kubrick stare, gazing into your soul as if he wants to eat you alive, and just like they said, if looks could kill, you're probably be ripped apart by now. 

"What if i say no?" he continued, tapping his boot's toe on the wooden floor. 

"You'll waste your talent," you gift a thin smile that hides a very big urge to stab him repeatedly. 

Eren chuckled, he looked away towards the window before he lean forward to you, "What happen to the other art students, L/N? Did they finally acknowledge your overly perfectionist bossy self or what?" 

"And what about it?" you argued, leaning to his face, he wanted to humiliate you, he wanted you to get on your knees and beg, but you still have your dignity. 

"Uh, what is this," Hitch hesitated, "i am highly uncomfortable with the atmosphere we created in this room," what's with the eye fucking? Hitch thought, she felt like she's interrupting a really heated make out session but instead of kissing it was exchanging pure hatred, Hitch nudged you by your elbow, giving you a look. 

You gritted your teeth and pursed your lips together, leaning closer to Eren's face, "Alright, if this is about that stupid president election we had together grow up Eren! The world doesn't evolve in your stupid drama queen head, so please since i'm asking you nicely before i could fu-" You stopped your bust as a waitress came over with the drinks you ordered earlier, you glared angrily at Eren as you caught a tug of amused smirk at the corner of his lips, it was the fact that you desperately needs his help but still play all bitchy, he found it funny. 

Sure you have your dignity, and he is willing to destroy it just because he can.

After the waitress left, you tasted your fresh latte angrily, making Eren chuckled under his husky breath, while on the other side Hitch is silently witnessing the tense between you two. 

"Fine," Eren broke the silence after a few minutes since the waitress left, "i'll take the work." he sat up, you nodded and watched as that key necklace of his dangling out from his collar, and when your eyes laid on the toned chest that peaking under his shirt, you gulped your saliva and quickly looked away, "good, thank you for your understanding."

You clasps your hands together and you could hear Hitch's faint sigh of relief, "great so now i think we have our deal, you know Professor Levi's tea shop right? tomorrow we're doing a gathering, be there before 8, and if-" 

who says that i'm finished doll? Eren tug another smirk, "but with some condition."

⊱✿⊰

"For real? No party organizer available until next January?" you groaned in frustration, frantically flipping through pages of your journal, Hitch and Armin walks by your side to the long table area.

Chaos. 

Chaos everywhere, you feel like your head is going to explode, your blood boils, and there's this uncomfortable anxiety under your skin, crippling under you and devouring you slowly. You've been overworked yourself the entire night after your meeting with Eren, you were brainstorming for your graduation speech, activity recap, and of course other ornaments for the very last project you're having in your senior year, you cried for three hours while listening to montgomery ricky then cried again over the document you accidentally deleted. 

You're exhausted.

Mentally and physically, you woke up with puffy eyes and wrecked brain, but you knew that everything must go on, and no, you won't back down, everything has to be perfect, 

It has to be perfect. 

Hitch pouted as she watches you typing on your laptop, she snakes her arms around your waist and leaned her head against your shoulder, watching you making some kind of budget recap, "sweetie you should rest and lay down." She spoke with a soft smile. 

You pursed your lips together before you leaned your head on top of hers, not leaving your eyes from your laptop, "thanks Hitch, but i'm alright, i'll just finish this and i'll take a break for a bit." You just can't really trust anything without yourself being under control or watching over, you're afraid that everything would astray far from your definition of 'perfection,' this empire you've been building, and this is your last legacy the next generation will remember, and you wanted it to be remarkable. 

"No dumbass, the last catering service was too expensive and apparently our university was filled with cheapskates." argued a voice from across the room.

"Well we have no choice???" other voice argued back, "Or we can rely on your very bad cooking skill Kirstein, just pray nobody's gonna die from food poisoning." 

You huffed at the sight of Ymir and Jean who was sitting face to face on the floor, both are on their phone scrolling on google, you looked around and found Sasha, Marco and Connie, chatting across you, and you looked over to the three people next to you, your vice president Hitch, your treasurer Armin, and your secretary Mikasa. You couldn't help yourself but smiling at your team, they works so well. 

Then you frowned as your realized something, "Have Eren-" 

A short blonde girl with a tray of drinks and snacks entered the room, "Y'all snack time!" she called out with a large grin on her face.

Ymir's face lit up as she walked up to her girlfriend, Sasha sprinted towards Historia, going feral over food as usual. 

"Ugh finally," you chuckled to Jean's mumble. Soon, half of the room crowded the blonde girl, reaching for snacks and drinks, your eyes fixated as you slowly notice the presence of the familiar sea green eyes, you watches as Eren strolls inside of the meeting room, he yawned before he took a seat on Hitch's place, your frowned slightly, "excuse you?" 

"Excuse me?" he replied, plastering that damn cocky smile, he looked to you up and down, definitely mocking you under his degrading gaze, dammit y/n did you overworked yourself?

"Well have you look at yourself, President." he snickered, suddenly a sketch design laid in front of you, you shift your eyes to Eren, before you took the papers on your hands. Soft grazes of colored pencil and ink, the art was delicate yet firm, "what is this?" you asked dumbly to the design of two bomber jackets, each of the jackets has their own scrawled side notes of the color details, embroidery, and even fabric material.

"Both jacket will be make from satin, no argument, satin," Eren spoke, he pointed his polished finger nail to the design, "the girls will have the yellow one, the boys will take the red, it'll have our Uni symbol and our number," he explained, "should be ready as soon as possible," Eren watches you closely, waiting for you to say something. Part of him.....just wants you to react, just anything, just any reaction exclusively for him. 

You blinked slowly, wow. Honestly it's beautiful, looks like it was Harajuku style inspired, you can't wait to touch the final craft, you glanced at Eren, "thank you," you spoke finally, "it's really beautiful."

I'm glad you like it. "Of course it's beautiful, i made it," he replied with a smug face, he cracked his knuckles then tapped his fingers to the wooden table, "now now, what do we have here." 

It was part of Eren's condition. One, he wanted to be fully involved in the graduation ceremony prep and the after party. Two, most importantly nobody touch his creation while he have full control of it, you reluctantly gave him the responsiblity to handle the venue decoration and the theme, most of the people in your team weren't really pleased with that decision, but like you all have time to think? But after considering it, you felt like it would be good idea to have extra hands helping. 

Anything,

To reach the absolute perfection.

⊱✿⊰

"I'm so glad, that this is almost over, because i could not bear drinking another monster and espresso or i might get caffeine intoxication," you grinned as you earned chuckles through the dinner table, it was all paid off, and the grand event was right in front of your eyes, you could already imagine yourself standing on that podium, delivering your grand speech, high and god like.

But now, celebration first. 

The admiration looks from your team and the last year student council team — who decided to join for the gig — feeds your ego, there's Zeke, Nicolo, Reiner, Pieck and her girlfriend Yelena, Porco and Bertholdt. Your friends really look up to you, from the day you earned your position, they knew they could count on you. "Thank you, thank you for all of the hard works this season, i would never ask for a better team, you guys are the best that i could ever wished for," you grinned and picked up the can of beer from the table, everybody raises their drinks, and you looked at the edge of the table, where your graduated senior, Zeke Jaeger sitting down, giving you a proud look, he was a student president before you, "this is for everyone, our community has never been this great, because you all dedicated your hearts." As you cheers together, you looked around, something is missing, you can feel it, yet you can't find any solid answer for that feeling. 

It was a simple outdoor Korean barbecue party in your house's backyard, after all done, you wanted nothing but to treat your friends, because that's what they deserved for serving you right. It was returning favor, while waiting for the meat to be cook perfectly by your senior Nicolo, you sat besides Mikasa as you both chats, while Armin was next to her, busy with his phone. In the distance, chaotic guitar strums and jams from drunk Connie and Jean cracking the air together with everyone that hyping them up. You pressed your chin against Mikasa's shoulder while both of you giggling over a twitter thread. 

"Eren said he's coming over," Armin announced to both of you, he looked down to his phone and let out a heavy sigh. 

So that was the missing piece. 

"Why's the sigh?" you asked Armin.

Armin hesitated, he looked around everywhere that isn't you, he rubbed his hand through his undercut, it feels like watching someone having a very conflicted mind war with themself, he then finally impaled you with a mixed expression, "Y/N," he started, "i don't know how to say this but....." He glanced over at Mikasa, and you followed him. 

The dark haired girl rather gave him a surprised expression, a some kind of you did not! look. You exchanged the utterly confusion to both of them, Mikasa nodded slowly, "She needs to know, Armin." 

"I need to know what?" 

"What are you guys talking about?" you turned around and sees Eren standing right in front of you, bruised up and bleeding, his knuckles was fucked in a shade of dark red and purple, strands of hair falling in front of his face, Mikasa quickly stood up, "Eren did you—"

"Yes i did," he shot her a cold glare, you could see from the corner of your eyes that Zeke started to approaching, Eren's eyes then finally found Armin, who's looking scared and nervous more than ever, "tell me, what's the interesting story Armin?" his tone was striking and icy, under his husky voice, you could track hints of slurs because of alcohol. 

Armin went quiet, he gripped his knuckles, what is this? something must happened and you didn't know, and you hated that. You hated when things was out of your reach. "It's okay Eren, you should check your wounds, they look pretty bad," Armin swallowed, his words came out more threatening than he anticipated. 

"No, no, no, i wanted to know what you gonna say to Y/N," Eren moves closer to Armin, "you are not trying to tell her anything bad about me right?" 

They looked like they're ready to throw hands, but Zeke was already slips between them, holding the both boys's chests with his flat palms, "come on now guys, let's not." he hesitated.

"No, let's." Eren insisted, he slapped his brother's hand, you quickly pulled him down by his arm, he flinched when he felt your touch, Eren glance at you, and for a split second his eyes went soft, it was that soft that you felt nothing but pure affection from his sea green eyes, then something took over his body, he suddenly pulled you by your collar, lifting you up, moving your face closer to his.

His eyes were bloodshot, you squeezed his wrists while kicking your feet on the air, "you," he growled, his warm breath smells like alcohol, you blinked slowly, scanning Eren's animalistic glare, but there is no hate in his eyes, you found yourself trying to look for it but there it none, instead there's this raging desire, he looked at you like you were his prey, "Eren-" you choked, for the first time, you feel powerless.

"I hate you," he hissed, but all you could sense was lie, his mortal fingers squeezing you so deadly but you feel the comfort of it, the bizarrely embracing lust, and his existence blurs all the noises around you, just you and Eren Jaeger. "you took everything from you," he continued, "i woke up everyday wishing you dead." 

You knitted your eyebrows, and you feel your godly ichor rushes back through your veins, a disgusted smirk appeared on your face, belittling him for lying, "liar." 

Then huge arms pulled Eren from you, tackling him to the ground, Mikasa caught you before you hit the ground, Hitch stepped in front of you, shielding you from Eren who was struggling under Zeke, "Eren what the hell!" she shouted. Mikasa helped you up and pulled you close to her chest, "Y/N are you okay?" she sounded so scared, questions and assumptions popping in your head about what happens between Mikasa, Armin, and Eren. You looked up, finding Reiner helping Zeke restraining his own brother. You knew a minute ago that guy attacked you, but seeing Eren in that position just feels so wrong, you never thought you'll get drew by a guy like Eren Jaeger, but here you are finding yourself shoving aside your pride while approaching the two blonds. You put your hand on Zeke's shoulder, squeezing them gently, "it's okay," your delicate tone shocks him, "let him go Zeke." 

You could feel everyone giving you a jaw drop, but when all eyes on you, you find yourself only looking at Eren. 

After a tense moment, Zeke and Reiner finally let go of the brunet, you pulled Eren up then you put the tip of your fingers to his chin, examining his wounds, he scoffed and avoided your eyes, dropping his eyes to the ground. "Let's get that clean up," you mumbled and dragged him by his hand, intertwining his fingers with yours. Leaving everyone in a ambiguous silence. 

"Why are they leaving? the wagyu is ready."

You walked upstairs to your room, no words exchange both of you before you finally entered the bathroom with Eren, you let go of his hand, your heartbeat strangely skipping inside your chest, while you were searching for the medicine kit in the cabinet, when you finally turn around, you found Eren already sitting on the toilet seat, you kneeled down in front of him and you opened the medicine kit, you pulled a towel from the drawer and stood up, wetting it in the sink, "what happen?" you finally spoke. 

Eren let out a deep chuckle, he wiped his bloody nose with his thumb then wiped it off on his jeans, gross. "Why do you care," he asserted. 

You rolled your eyes and kneeled back in front of him, with dripping wet cloth on your right hand, "please you stormed on me, lifted me up and looked at me like you wanted fuck me against the table while also wanted to burn me alive at the same time." you gave him a judging look. You took his hands, and then slowly pressed the dampen cloth on his bloody knuckles, he didn't flinch, Eren remained silence while he watches you. You could feel his smirk while you were treating his wounds. "Have i told you how hideous you look tonight?" he asked quietly. 

"No, tell me." 

Eren then moved his left hand away from you, extending them, he caressed his thumb on your cheekbone, made you froze, his hand then traveled to your ear, it tugged your hair behind them, "i cannot." He whispered softly. 

You looked up, and put the now reddish cloth on the floor, you moved closer to the burnet in front of you, you intertwined your fingers with his once again, the tense on his shoulders visibly relax while his pupils widened to the presence of you, "now would you tell me what happen?" your voice sweetened, melodic in his ear, and it seems like he's lured enough by it. 

Eren huffed a chuckle, he looked down to both of your hands, "Had a fight with Pops," he shrugged, "took the anger on the wall." You moved closer to his face, close enough to smell the liquor in his breath. Eren stared at you, he never imagine he would have the blessing to be this close with you, he was always watching you from afar. Those interrogation towards Armin regarding you, questions after questions on your personal life, forcing Armin to dug deeper and helped Eren fulfilling his needs on you, he'd followed you after school, to your favorite coffee shop, your home so he'll know your address, to where ever he could reach you, man... he'll go after you to the edge of the world if that's where you're heading. 

"Do you still hate me?" you asked, and to be honest the question kind of scares you, because after these past few weeks of spending more time with Eren Jaeger, you finally caught in his fire, his flaming intimacy you thought was long gone, and you also surprises yourself for not getting pissed off by the feeling, because it makes you feel vulnerable. 

Eren grazes his thumb on your jaw as if you were made of glass, he kneeled down to the floor with you, so you both could be equal, no high ground. "The truth is my darling, i never was," he confirmed, "after you won that election it was my last straw because from the first time i laid my eyes on you, Love.... You have bewitched me body and soul," he's been watching over you from the distance and you still as pathetic as he could remember, maybe it's the way you stole glances at him, the way you would secretly checking him out but little did you know that he notices everything, he's been reading you like an open book without having to flip through every pages, because you already spread open for him, "you have became the very thing that is out of my reach, Love. And for i have fancy you, and you'll be mine not just in my mind but fully," and he is itching to taste you. His warmth envelopes you to a sense of safety, he trails his hands to your waist, pulling you closer to him, and you melt like a candle on fire. Right above you stand an entity greater than yourself, the essence of mystery that fold itself in front of you, and with the universe speak between you, everything is a clarity. 

And you, you don't get it, you thought it was all envy to the position you have, and for the first time, you crave something other than power, "Did you just quoted Pride and Prejudice for me, Jaeger?" you snakes your arms around his neck while his growing bulge strokes on your clothed cunt, the rough material of his jeans made your arousal grow thicker, "my, my, my i used to think that you were just a pretty face with zero common sense," you teased, nuzzling your nose against him. 

His husky chuckle vibrates against your skin, without warning he pushes you up against the wall and you immediately jumped onto his waist with your legs, you gasped as your back hit the cold surface, Eren kneading your butt cheeks as he was holding you up, his chest pressed on yours, warm breath mixes together, "ouch, did you just call me dumb?" you snickered, Eren tilts his head before he smirked, "maybe we could be equally dumb after i make you babble nonsense with my cock." His mouth devouring yours feverishly. Frantic gestures rid you and him of clothes on your body, while you helped Eren unbuckling his belt, his teeth grazes yours, tongues fighting for dominance with each other, he latched his lips onto yours, hungry for more taste, you started to sucking his bottom lip while Eren savor your taste, he pushes more for a deeper kiss, his hand fondling your clothed boob, then it slipped under them, as he found your stiffened nipple, you felt his smirk between your kiss, and a moan escaped from your lips, they're already swollen and you knew you needed air soon, but without your realizing, you already breath through his air through the kiss. 

You unhooked your bra while Eren pressed you harder against the wall, his cock was already free from his jeans and boxer, his beautiful tip was coated in precum, when you finally exposed your breasts in front of him, the animalistic side possessed him back, Eren kneads your breasts greedily causing you to mewl, shivers running down your spine, and you unconsciously grinds you drenched cunt against his waist, Eren cackled. 

"What a fucking whore, you looked like a cat in heat." 

You whined when his flat palm hit your cunt, he rubs the dampen clothed surface of your clit, Eren brought his mouth to your breast and started to circling his tongue on your nipple, making your back arched and you grinding to nothingness of his waist, "whore," he spat, a string of saliva bridge between your skin and his lips, "is this what you called a student president? i don't think so." Eren grip your throat and slowly adding pressure to your air circulation with his index finger and thumb, his other hand has been stroking his own cock for awhile, he uses his precum as lube and your eyes twinkled to the beautiful sight. 

Your lips parted, he let out a throaty groan to your ear just to tease you, "what if i just jack myself and leave you like this?" the menacing grin appeared on his face, your desperate look just pleased him even more, he groaned under his breath as he feeling himself twitching, and your drooling pussy just looking tastier than ever, Eren inhaled and faked a pout, "aw, what is it? don't you want to walk around with my cum dripping from your slutty hole aren't you? that is sinful my Love, won't it gonna stain your pride, Miss President?" 

You cursed under you breath, and another slap landed on your cunt, you threw your head back as Eren squeezed you against the wall, "nu uh, bad words," he growled, "what do you want, Y/N? Use your fucking mouth if you want something, did your parents never tell you?" another hard slap on your cunt made you gasp, you cried louder, and Eren shushed you while peppering kiss on your naked shoulder, "careful darling they might hear you from downstairs." 

He pecked your nose before he finally aims his cock to your entrance, stroking his tip to your dripping cunt, "what do you want, Y/N? say it." He repeated.

"Your cock!" you whimpered, "please pound me with your cock.... please Eren.. i just want it inside.."

He slammed into you, causing you to let out a sharp noise, "Oh, like this?" Eren felt your soft warm walls hugging him so tightly, as if you guys just fit so perfectly together, he held his hand on your tummy to prevent you from grinding your greedy self, letting your cunt clenching him by itself, "fuck you're so tight my Love," he groaned subtly. 

"E-eren please move..... i'm begging you...." you sobbed so pathetically. Eren moved his face close to yours and pinned your wrists above your head, "this will need an outcome don't you think?" he tilted his head, making you wept for his cock to move even more, suddenly an idea popped in his head, "I will move," he said, "i'll shoot my loads in you and then you'll be mine, i want you to want me so badly, i'm going to imprison you, and then.... just then...it'll be just you and me, always and forever," he dug his face on the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent so they'll stay in his head, but he knew it won't, you're his own personal drug anyways, "promise, Darling?" Eren whispered against your skin.

You shivered under him, your eyes rolls at the back of your head, your pussy is aching with lust, so needy for his cock. You quickly nodded your head, "p-promise." 

Eren kissed your neck, sucking them briefly, leaving a visible mark on your soft skin, "good girl."

He pulled his cock from you, leaving just the tip, before then he impaled, filling you up with his length, he slide so easily onto your meat, your legs shivered as he endlessly pushed deeper inside you, and you could feel his tip kissed your cervix, Eren then started to moves at a quick pace, "you like that so much hm? taking my cock like a little slut," he said velvety, turning you on even more. He buried your moan into a deep kiss, his big arm scoot your hips close to him as he ramming his cock with no mercy onto your walls, his other hand still pinning your wrists, as if you're gonna escape from him. You started to rolling your hips on him, making him move more faster, you're both skin to skin, grinding onto each other desperately, "Eren....s'big...so deep..." you moaned. He continues to pound into you.

"Fuck, that's right baby say my name."

"Eren!"

After a minute he completely stopped, you opened your eyes and your face shows confusion, before you could ask any questions, he suddenly slams all of his length into you, causing you to yelp both in pain and pleasure, the lewd sound of skin slapping made you curl your toes, he pounding into you like there's no tomorrow, you threw your head back, your tongue lolling out from your lips, he slamming all his length in and out of you repeatedly until you're a shaking panting mess, an amused look plastered on his cocky face, and his hips didn't stop dipping on you, not letting you think straight or put up any fight, "come on, fucking take it like the cumslut you are."

You choked on your breath as the knot in your stomach getting tighter, "E-ren... hugs...hugs....?" you purred to him, he finally let go of your wrists and let your head fell against his shoulder, he increases his phase that you didn't know was possible, you warped your arms around him as he did to you, and you dragged your nails through his sweaty back, Eren started to whisper sweet nothings as he felt himself twitching, he slurred curses underneath his groaned, his veins popped as he gripped you tightly, his muscles flexes at each moves.

You didn't dare to question him when he said that he'll fill you up inside, because no matter what your answer is, he'll do it anyway. The sight of his hard rock abs and v lines sent you over the edge, “Eren i’m gonna cum—“

“cum with me, Darling.” 

You tasted the bitter tint in your tongue as you started seeing stars, you vision went black as Eren rides you to your orgasm while fluid started dripping down your thighs, your body is shaking uncontrollably, Eren let out a loud groan as he riding himself to his own high using your abused cunt, he shot his warm thick load onto your womb, making sure you take all of it, you buried your face on his neck, he slowly pulls out his cock and watches the white liquid oozing from your hole. Eren lifted up your chin, he cupped your cheek and pressed a soft kiss against your lips, mixing your pants together, “mine.” he moaned to your soft plump lips.

“yours."

⊱✿⊰

[k3rm1e]

Hello, could I request a reader that used he/they pronouns and has a deep Voice but they have a very feminine body. They don't have dysphoria though, Can you do a reaction to that anyone from the dream smp. Thank you hopefully this isn't that confusing.

gender

Hello, could I request a reader that used he/they pronouns and has a deep Voice but they have a very feminine body. They don't have dysphoria though, Can you do a reaction to that anyone from the dream smp. Thank you hopefully this isn't that confusing.

hi! by this i’m pretty sure you mean a trans ftm reader who just doesn’t experience gender dysphoria. i’m pretty sure this is what you meant so if this wasn’t accurate please just send me another ask! i hope you enjoy this <3

also i had no clue for the title thing oabibefhbkf just ‘gender’

he/they pronouns used this also mentions body type, so if that’s something you wanna avoid here’s a little note :)

cw: cursing 

gender:

  being a faceless streamer came with challenges. fans asking what you looked like, accusing you of being a creep because you won’t show your face. but there were the perks. no one judged you for your looks, you wouldn't get recognized, hell, if you wanted to just leave the face of the internet, no one could find you. but, then there also came the time when your friends wanted to see you.

  “hi chat! so today we’re just gonna be running around the smp, uh, no ones doing lore right now right? i did not check and i don’t wanna mess with anyone’s stream, heh.” seeing much of the chat saying ‘no’ or ‘you’re fine’ you continued on.

  “no lore? no lore. pog. we won’t have to try and avoid anything.” you were just running around, talking with chat. eret had joined and you asked if she wanted to join vc.

  “hello ert, what’s up?” you addressed him as ‘ert’ instead of his name, finding it amusing. “i am live right now,  just so you know.”.

  “hi! hi chat, how are you all? and i’m just doing nothing right now, i was gonna see if there’s any materials i could gather for the museum.” you ran over to their chords, crouching in front of him.

  for the rest of the stream you mainly screwed around, having talks with chat. that was how it was for a while until near the end of stream when you were mainly just chatting with music, a dono was read out by tts saying, “deep voice bois. streamer when shall the face reveal be. let us (respectfully, ofc) swoon.”.

  “uh, uh, i dunno, dono. i mean, its never been something i’ve put a lot of thought into. like, even though people have asked its just not really something i’ve ever wanted to do, y’know?” trying to explain yourself like this, it always was slightly panicky, but you just shoved it down.

  “chat, he’s not even lying though. all my months on this server, i still have no clue what he looks like!” you could tell eret was trying to relieve some pressure from you, god bless her soul. you owed her.

  “yeah, i just haven’t ever wanted to. like, i think only like, maybe like bad and them have seen me, like years ago when i first met people on munchymc.” continuing on with questions, you ended the stream within the next 30 or so minutes.

  when you had finally shut everything down with a sigh, you spoke. “thank you eret. i owe you.” you leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling.

  “yeah, yeah, next time i get asked any uncomfortable question you can be a knight in shining armor. but, on that note, i have been meaning to ask you about that though, why haven’t you done any sort of face reveal?” you knew he meant no harm at all, even so you were dying inside.

  “uh, i just haven’t ever wanted to. i mean, if you want to, just to know what i look like, we can, its fine. i don’t mind.” you were scratching the back of your neck, already regretting your life choices.

  “yeah, i would. um, we could just do like a discord call later, tomorrow? when its not like four in the morning?” his voice held humor in it, you knew he was trying to relieve the tension.

  “yeah, yeah, of course. let’s. tomorrow.” you said you’re goodbyes and ran to bed, knowing tomorrow would be stressful.

  you woke up early to an alarm, making sure you were physically and emotionally prepared for this. taking shower, you did your hair and makeup. even with though your voice was super deep, you still had feminine features. it was never a bother, so why get rid of them? plus, it saved you a shit ton of money. top surgery was expensive, bottom surgery even more. hormone therapy was easier, but still cost money, but it was just inconvenient for the position you were in now.

  trans discourse was a small thing, but seemed so big when you looked at the people who created it. if you did show yourself, would you still be accepted even if you didn’t feel dysphoria? even through all your nerves, you kept through it. eret would accept you; they were quite literally one of your best friends. it would be fine. fine.

  sitting at your pc, you answered the call the moment it started ringing. you stared at his face in the camera and watched his face twist in confusion. “somehow i think i expected you to look different. a bit more murdery, i suppose.”

  you tried to smile, or laugh, but couldn’t bring yourself to. god, how you hated human emotions. they were all so complex and unreasonable, making people feel like they would vomit even though nothing had physically ailed them. emotions made no sense, whatsoever.

  “yeah, um, yeah, no this, this is what i look like. um, i just never really- never really felt any sort of, like gender dysphoria, i guess? like, i uh, i cut my hair and kept it like that , but in terms of like, body-wise just- no.” you wished your mouth would stop moving, but you just kept bartering about. “yeah, and i know there’s the whole discourse stuff about whether trans people need gender dysphoria, and i don’t know how you think, but i know who i am. and whatever you think will not change that, at all. i just hope you can, y’know, accept that.” you had finally shut up and were winded. good. at least you sounded somewhat confident. 

  “oh, god no, dude, you are whatever you identify as. in no way should you need to feel gender dysphoria to be trans, that’s bullshit. you’re still you, and if you identify as a boy, you’re a guy. its as simple as that.” eret was smiling nicely at you through the camera.

  you wanted to cry. all that, all that worrying, about nobody accepting you, about them hating you, had all been for nothing. “seriously, you don’t know just how much that means. i- thank you, man. thank you.” you better not cry.

  “its literally just human decency man, don’t thank me. you are so valid, don’t worry about it.”.

i hope this was what you wanted! for anyone reading this, just no you are all so valid. you don’t need gender dysphoria to be trans, you just are. i hope you guys all have a lovely day! <33

[kiranatrix]

Do you think both L and Light were incapable of romantic and platinic love? I remember Ohba saying L could never have a friend because of his trust issues, and while Light had friends at school it seemed like it was "just for show" in a senese, since he couldn't really connect with anyone

Hi anon! Thanks for the question! I think both of them are ‘capable’ of some kinds of love but the events of canon (and their lives) really corral both opportunities and expression of it.

Light

Romantic. Ohba said in HTR that Light was incapable of romantic love with a woman. Does that exclude men? Dunno, but under canon circumstances where Light is Kira, I don’t believe he’d let himself fall for anyone. That’s because he believed attachments can compromise his judgement and sway potentially hard decisions he might have to make as Kira. But having to remind himself of that fact means that he knew he wasn’t totally immune to it. A little giveaway about himself in his thoughts. He was capable of it and actively prevented it.👇

Platonic. Light is capable of platonic love and demonstrates it in canon with his family. He loves Sayu and his parents, and greatly respects his father. Perhaps that’s filial love specifically, but I’d argue it’s close enough to show Light can care for other individuals without romance or gain.

Idealistic. In a sense, Light has a great love of humanity (as Ohba says in HTR) but has a funny way of showing it haha. But there’s an enormous amount of effort he expends on changing the world for the better (his idea of it) and wanting to be a god is only part of it. There’s ways he could have done that that didn’t even up with some net positives for the world (wars ended, crime reduced) and he put himself in the (self-identified) role of martyr for it. His motivations were a complex mix of selfish and selfless. It’s probably more comfortable to take that complexity away and consider him just a madman unable to love, but that strips away a lot of impact of Light’s story. He could love but not all love is healthy.

L

Platonic. I do think L was capable of platonic love although there’s no canon examples of it. The reason I say this is that he does show some concern over the safety of the Task Force and kind of goes ‘blue screen’ when Watari died. It’s never clear what Watari meant to him exactly but the man was an ever-present, solid relationship in his life he depended on, who raised him. In the anime there is slightly more warmth between them vs the manga, but either way, I think his level of reaction to the potential or actual death/harm to others close (or perhaps just useful?) to him suggests he is capable of it. On the other hand, L shows no care at all for those not close (or not useful/adversarial) to him. He shows no concern for the Wammy’s kids, Roger, the Yotsuba group’s victims, Misa, or Light. And even though Soichiro is both useful and close to him, L shows little to no care towards the man’s feelings or trauma asking him to do things (like pretend to shoot his son). So I would say L is capable of it but the bar is very high and conditional.

Romantic. In canon? Flat no. Past his own self-awareness about his quirks and difficult personality, he has a dangerous, isolated, and very mobile lifestyle that would be unfair to subject anyone to. In some ways it’s a similar consideration as Light— attachments would compromise his ability to do the thing he loves most. He also gets bored quickly, had mood swings, doesn’t compromise, has stubborn tastes and ways, zero social skills, a suspicious and over-analyzing nature, is pretty much a manbaby with no life skills, and deeply entrenched trust issues. That’s not to say he didn’t potentially experience romantic attraction in canon (maybe to Light since they were so very similar), but that’s different from love. Canon!L would make a pretty horrible boyfriend imo (sorry!) but that’s what AUs are for. If placed in a different situation from canon, I think romantic love could be possible; but he’d probably be a big mess lol with so little experience, possibly fall hard and have a lot of confusing emotions/uncertainty/sulking/awkwardness. I love to think about him in AUs!

Idealistic. Again, flat no. On the one hand he initially gives lip service that he’s pursuing Kira out of high-minded ideals of justice, but everything he does and says after that betrays why he’s really doing it. For fun, to win. It’s a game to him, like playing the stock market was when he was younger, just on a much bigger chessboard with high stakes. Kira is the best opponent he could hope for. So yeah, he lied about the whole justice thing lol. Which is one of the reasons I love his character! It’s refreshing!

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Hospitals & Hellos

A JSE Fanfic

Consider this a follow-up to the action of the previous part. A lot happened, including a cliffhanger that really left you dangling >:)c Sorry about that, but also not sorry. Anyway since it’s so closely related, I’m having trouble summarizing it. Basically, Chase and Marvin get some good news, there’s a brief intermission when something else happens, and then we cut back to those in more danger. That may sound confusing but I don’t want to get too spoilery. Read for yourself =)

You can find the other stories under the pw timeline tag!

Chase woke up to the sound of his ringtone, the sensation of someone shaking his shoulder, and the pain in your back and neck that develops when you fall asleep somewhere you’re not supposed to. He groaned, and opened his eyes. Where...? Ah, right. Jack’s hospital room. He fell asleep? For how long? Visiting hours must be almost over by now.

Marvin shook him again, leaning over from his chair next to him. “You keep getting a call,” he said. “You should probably pick it up now.”

“Right.” Chase stretched, wincing a bit at the ache in his body, then dug his phone out of his pocket just as the ringtone ended and the call dropped. But looking at his lock screen, he had three missed calls from one Detective Nix. “Oh shit!” He was immediately awake. “I gotta call back—”

Before he could do that, his phone rang yet again as it received another call from the detective. This time, Chase picked it up instantly. “Hello?”

“Mr. Brody?” asked the somewhat-familiar voice of Detective Nix.

“That’s me. Sorry about all the missed calls, I-I fell asleep.”

“Ah, I see.” Nix sounded amused. “I suppose I have to plan for calling you several times.”

Chase laughed nervously, glancing over at the others. He’d fallen asleep to Marvin teaching Jack the beginnings of BSL, but now both of them were staring at him, listening in to the conversation. Jack was sitting straight up, without leaning against the bed. Marvin kept bouncing his leg. The two of them were clearly anxious. “So...wh-what’s the situation?”

“Well, there’s good news, bad news, and good news,” Nix said. “Which would you like to hear?”

Chase inhaled sharply. “Bad news first.”

“We couldn’t find your friend Henrik. Or the other one who’d been taken a month ago, Jameson.”

“Oh.” Chase’s heart sank. “What’s the good news, then?”

“First things first: your friends’ tips were extremely helpful. We managed to find the house they were talking about,” Nix said. “We didn’t recover many things from the location, but we found something else. Or rather, someone else. Jackie Donovan.”

If his heart sank before, it now rocketed upward into his throat, rendering him speechless. Finally, he managed to get out a strangled, “What?”

“He was in one of the house’s bedrooms, badly injured and tied to a chair, but alive,” Nix continued. “He’s at the hospital now.”

“Which hospital?” Chase asked.

“Southpoint General, in the—”

“Holy shit, we’re literally there right now!” Chase stood up so fast he knocked his chair over. “Where is he?! Can we see him?!”

“He’s recovering in what is, I believe, the emergency ward,” Nix said calmly. “Don’t worry, he’s stable, but as I said, badly injured. Unconscious, actually. Visiting hours are basically over, but if you’re already here, and you insist, you could probably hurry if the staff lets you—”

“That’s what we’ll do, then. We’ll be there as soon as possible!” Chase hung up without saying goodbye, and turned to face the other two.

“What was that all about?” Marvin asked, confused but hopeful.

“They found Jackie!” Chase shouted, unable to contain his overflowing joy and relief. “They got him back, he’s here, at this hospital right now!”

“What?!” Marvin shot to his feet. “We gotta see him!”

“That’s what I said! If we run, we might be able to squeeze in just before visiting hours end.” Chase started to head towards the door, then stopped, and looked back at Jack. “Oh, uh, sorry, you probably want—”

“Go!” Jack waved at the two of them, pointing at the room’s doorway. “Gogogogogo!”

Chase laughed. “Alright, we’re going! I’ll see you in a couple days, probably!”

“Go!”

“Okay, bye!” Chase hurried out the door.

“Bye, Jack!” Marvin added, following Chase.

Jack waved at the two of them as they left.

From there, the two of them hurried to the nurses’ station so they could ask where Jackie was. Once the nurse confirmed he was in the emergency ward and gave them the room number, they practically sprinted to the right wing, desperate to make it before visiting hours were over. They ended up making it just in time, and both skidded to a halt outside the right door, breathing hard.

The door to the hospital room was ajar. An older man leaned over and peered through the doorway. “Ah, hello Mr. Brody.”

“Hello, Detective,” Chase said. He paused for a moment to breathe, then added, “We’re here.”

“I can see that,” Nix replied, smiling a bit. “Well, you and your friend come in. It’s Mr. Maher, isn’t it?”

Marvin nodded. “Yeah. Weren’t you at the trial? You talked about the case?”

“So I did.” Nix nodded.

“Huh. So you’re handling the whole thing?”

“Indeed. It’s turning out to be a complex beast of clues and crime. Anyway.” Nix stepped back, and Chase and Marvin entered the room.

Most of the emergency ward was large rooms with multiple beds, but there must have been certain circumstances in place to let Jackie have his own room to himself. It was small, but a bit more homey than Jack’s room in the ICU, with cushioned chairs and a couple small tables, even a TV in a cubby in a wall. The hospital bed didn’t have as much medical equipment surrounding it. But Jackie wasn’t awake to appreciate any of this.

Chase stopped short, just staring. It was eleven months since he’d last seen Jackie. He hadn’t always been that pale, had he? His collarbone and cheeks hadn’t always jutted out like that, had they? His hair was a shoulder-length mess, having grown out, and his eyes had deep purple bags under them. He was wearing a hospital gown, but there were scars visible on his arms that certainly hadn’t been there before, as well as some bandages wrapped tightly around his right arm above the elbow. Despite all this, he looked rather peaceful in sleep, breathing steadily.

Marvin made a choked sound, unable to say anything else.

“He’s...fine, right?” Chase asked, glancing at Detective Nix.

“The doctors say so,” Nix assured him. “He was injured when we found him, but they say it’s not life-threatening.”

“H-how? How was he injured?” Chase asked hesitantly.

“Well...you can see his arm. His legs are bad, looked like someone used a knife to slash them up. And there was a stab wound in his stomach. But he hadn’t lost too much blood. They say his main problem is malnutrition. He’ll be okay.”

Chase let out a long breath. “Okay. Okay. That’s good. Good to hear.”

Marvin stayed silent. He walked up to the bed and, after a moment, gently took Jackie’s hand. 

“I’ll let you two have a moment.” Nix slid out of the room, closing the door behind him.

The moment passed in silence.

——————

The car ride back was silent as well. A lot had happened that day, and the two of them sat, quietly processing everything. They lost Schneep, but found Jackie, each within a few hours of each other. Who knew what would happen tomorrow?

Chase pulled onto the street where Marvin’s house sat, and noticed something odd. “Is there someone outside your house?”

“Hmm?” Marvin, previously spacing out, snapped back to reality. “Why would someone be at my house?”

“I dunno, I assumed you would. Not expecting anyone?” Chase shrugged. “Maybe they’re in front of the neighbors.”

“No.” Marvin narrowed his eyes, staring down the road. “There’s someone at my door. A car in front, too. Who is that? I can’t see them.” He shook his head. “Too dark. The city needs to work on installing stronger street lamps in the area.”

Chase chuckled a bit. As he approached Marvin’s house, he pulled to the side of the road, right behind the strange car that was already there, and tried to get a good look at whoever was at the doorway. A woman. Dark-haired, wearing a brown leather jacket and jeans. She was facing the door, her back to the road, but when the car pulled up she heard the sound and turned to look. Odd...Chase recognized her. But he couldn’t place where he’d seen her before. “You know her?”

“Uh...I don’t think so?” Marvin shook his head, looking confused. “But I think I do? She kinda looks familiar.”

“I was thinking the same thing, actually.” Chase parked the car and opened the door. “C’mon, I want to talk to her.”

“Yeah, let’s ask her what she’s doing at my house at like ten o’clock,” Marvin said, opening his as well and heading out.

The two of them walked up the short path to the door. The woman, noticing them, waved. “Hello! I’m very sorry, ah—one of you is Marvin, right? Actually, you both look—maybe you could both help me? I’m looking for Henrik.”

That voice made Marvin stop in his tracks. “Mina?!”

Chase visibly started as the pieces clicked into place and he remembered who this woman was. Mina von Schneeplestein—or rather, Mina Pfeiffer, as last he heard she was going by her maiden name again. What was Schneep’s ex-wife doing here?!

“Ah, you recognize me, so I have the right address.” Mina nodded, satisfied. “You are Marvin? I saw you on television, I recognize your hair. Though it’s longer than I remember. But to be fair, my memories of faces are vague.”

“You saw me on TV?” Marvin repeated, looking even more confused now that he realized who the woman was.

“Um, hi.” Chase waved awkwardly. “I’m Chase, I’m a friend of Schneep’s. What are you...It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, were you out of town or something?”

“Oh, Chase! I remember you. Yes, I went back home and stayed with family for some time,” Mina said.

“Why are you at my house?” Marvin blurted out.

“Well, ah—sorry about that. It was the only address I could think of.” Mina sounded fairly embarrassed. “I thought you would be home. I am looking for Henrik.”

“Why? We haven’t seen you for more than a year!” Marvin pointed out.

“Yes, I know. It is...a complicated situation.” Mina glanced back at the door behind her. “Should we go inside and sit down?”

“No, I’m fine,” Marvin said. “We can talk about this while standing.”

“...oh. Okay.” Looking even more embarrassed, Mina stepped away from the door, walking a bit closer to the two men. “I suppose this wouldn’t take too long.”

“So you’re looking for Schneep?” Chase asked.

Mina nodded. “Yes. I received some phone messages and mail from this hospital they said he was staying at. But I threw them out. Shortsighted, it would seem.”

“I think I know what you’re referring to,” Chase said. He recalled a conversation he had with Dr. Laurens, where she said they were trying to contact Mina but getting no response. “Did you think they were spam or something?”

“Ah...no, not exactly.” Mina grimaced. “It is really a long story, and it is cold and dark out, so I would prefer if we could step inside—”

“No, tell it quick,” Marvin interrupted.

Mina bristled a bit. “Well!”

“Marv, c’mon,” Chase pleaded.

“Look, no one disappears for a year without a reason,” Marvin insisted. “And something about this seems fishy, so I want to hear the story before I let her into my house with my pets.”

Mina sighed. “I do not see why you are so concerned. Henrik and I are married.”

“You’re divorced.”

“No, they’re separated,” Chase added. “It’s a different thing.” But personally, he still considered them exes, even if the separation had been friendly enough. The pair of them had rushed into marriage, likely due to some family pressure, and later agreed that they needed some time apart to sort their own lives out. That was about three or four years ago, and shortly afterwards Schneep had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. As far as he knew, they hadn’t gotten back together since the separation.

“It’s just weird that you’re showing up looking for him now,” Marvin said, crossing his arms. “Where were you when he first went into Silver Hills?”

“I was out of the country,” Mina repeated.

“On purpose?”

“What?”

“Were you avoiding him?”

Mina looked like she wanted to protest, but then straightened, adjusted her jacket, and said, “If you must know, then yes.”

“Ha!” Marvin barked.

“You must be missing so much of what happened,” Mina said, leveling him with a stare. She was about equal height with the two men, so it wasn’t hard to do. “Henrik and I...were starting to try again. But then his behavior became erratic, and the next thing I knew, he put his friend in a coma and started killing strangers.”

“He wasn’t the one killing them,” Chase corrected gently—mostly to prevent Marvin from saying the same thing, much louder.

“Well I know that now, but at the time, it seemed fairly obvious,” Mina pointed out. “So I left for some time. I returned a couple months ago, but only now heard the news about the truth of the situation. I saw clips from the filmed hearing between you, Marvin, and that doctor. I saw them on television, and realized something was off. So I looked it up, and now I know, and now that I do, I have to talk to Henrik about something.”

“You know...it seems a bit sketchy that you immediately thought he must be the killer,” Marvin said. “Because he was, what, ‘erratic’?”

“Yes,” Mina said firmly.

“You should have realized he would never do anything like that!”

“I wasn’t about to stick around and have blind faith! That is how serial killers draw in women, it has happened in the past!”

“Schneep would never—”

“I did not know that! He was being very strange, and with his condition—”

“Get off my property.”

Mina blinked. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” Marvin leaned close to her. “Get off my property.”

“No, you do not understand, I really must know how to talk to Henrik,” Mina said, tone shifting from defensive anger to a strange desperation. “There is an important matter—”

“Find that mail you threw out and get the address from there. Google it, I don’t care. Though really, if you keep talking like that, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near Henrik.” Marvin growled. “If you stay here one second longer, I’m calling the police. Leave.”

Mina looked like she wanted to protest more, but thought better of it. She walked around Marvin and Chase, staring at the two of them as she did, and then hurried down the path to the street. She got inside the strange car Chase had parked behind, started it, and drove off.

“You could’ve handled that better,” Chase said.

“You didn’t say anything,” Marvin replied, facing him.

“No, I know. You’re right, something about that seemed...weird.” Chase couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something about the way Mina was acting was...strange. Not in a bad way. But it felt like there was something more she wasn’t saying.

“I don’t like people talking about people’s ‘conditions,’” Marvin muttered.

“Yeah, that was a bit...Just, the way she said it, like it was a given, y’know?” Chase shook his head. “But you really went off there.”

Immediately, all the fire drained out of Marvin’s body. “Sorry,” he said quietly. “I’m just...tired.”

“I don’t blame you. I feel it too.” Chase nodded. “You, uh...want to go see Jackie sometime soon?”

Marvin nodded. Day after tomorrow? he asked, signing.

“That could work. We’d have to be quick, though, Stacy will be dropping off the kids in the evening for the weekend.”

Oh, you sure? I can go tomorrow, or even after the weekend.

“No, it’s fine, I...I really want to see him.” Chase swallowed a lump in his throat. “I’ll pick you up. How about around two?”

Marvin nodded again. That would work.

“Great. See you then.” Chase retreated to his car, turning back before getting inside to wave at Marvin one last time. Marvin waved back, then turned around and went through the front door to his house. Once he was gone, Chase got in his car and drove away.

This day just kept getting longer. He really needed to get home and go to bed.

——————

Two days later, Chase picked Marvin up and the two of them drove back to the hospital around two o’clock, when visiting hours started. They remembered the way to Jackie’s room, and found it quickly. Nobody else was there. Chase half-expected Detective Nix to still be here, doing some sort of police stuff, but no, the room was empty. Jackie was lying in bed, eyes open, hands folded on his stomach, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t moving at all, except for the up-and-down of his chest as he breathed. Chase hovered in the doorway, Marvin nearby, feeling uneasy. This sight was a bit...worrying. Was Jackie okay?

Marvin leaned over and whispered, “Is he awake?”

“I don’t know,” Chase replied in the same hushed tone. “His eyes are open.”

“Maybe it’s like with Jack? How he was before?”

“God, I hope not. I don’t want anyone else to go through that.”

At that moment, Jackie’s head turned, and he looked at the two of them. He must have heard them, despite the whispering. Chase gasped a bit before coughing to clear his throat. “Hey, Jackie,” he said awkwardly. “It’s uh...it’s us.”

Jackie didn’t respond, just kept looking at them. His eyes darted up and down as he took in their appearances. Self-consciously, Chase tried to brush some nonexistent dirt off his jacket. He should have worn a newer one instead of the old one with the first merch design for his channel.

Marvin waved. “Hi. We’re here now.”

“Yeah, hi.” Chase waved again. “Uh...how are you feeling?”

Still no response. Though Jackie looked a bit confused now.

“Uh...can you hear us, bro?” Chase stepped forward until he was standing next to the bed, then put a hand on the non-bandaged part of Jackie’s arm.

“Holy shit!” Jackie jerked his arm away and bolted upright. “You’re really here!”

“Wh—yeah?!” Chase said.

Marvin laughed.

Chase glanced back at him. “Dude, what the fuck?” 

“Sorry, sorry, I-I dunno what that was about, nervous reflex,” Marvin waved away Chase’s look. “It was just a bit funny, cause he jumped up like that.”

“I—I wasn’t expecting that,” Jackie said, sounding a bit dazed.

“You...weren’t expecting us to actually be here?” Chase clarified.

“Yeah, I-I-I thought that—it’s all a bit—never thought I’d—” Jackie paused, gathering his words. “I thought that maybe...I was just daydreaming a bit. To make myself feel better. This whole place, actually.” He gestured around the hospital room. “I guess it was all so surreal, and I...I was kind of out of it, a-anyway, so I thought this was just more of that.”

“Oh. Well, no, we’re here.” Chase squeezed Jackie’s arm. “You’re really in the hospital. Southpoint General, actually, the same place Jack is.”

“Really?” Jackie laughed a bit. “Cool, I could go visit him.”

“Well he’s in a different, um, ward, or whatever,” Chase said. “But yeah, technically you could.”

Jackie smiled, but then the grin slowly faded from his face. His eyes glazed over a bit.

“So...” Marvin jumped in, walking over to stand next to Chase. “What do you remember?”

“Huh?” Jackie blinked, and looked over at him. “Remember about what? You’ll have to be a bit more specific.”

“I mean about the whole rescue operation,” Marvin explained. “How did the police find you?”

“Oh. Uhhhh yeah like I said I was really out of it, so...” Jackie shrugged. “Not that much. I remember them appearing, I think. There were, like, footsteps, and then a bunch of strangers appeared in the doorway.”

“Did they have to kick it down?” Marvin asked, sounding a little too excited at the idea.

“No, it was already open. I dunno why. Maybe he forgot to close it all the way, he was in a hurry.” Jackie mumbled that last part under his breath, but Chase and Marvin heard it easily enough. “Anyway, they picked me up, and I’m sort of assuming there was a ride to the hospital of some kind, but I completely zoned that out. I kinda vaguely remember a bunch of doctors and some bright lights? But, uh...yeah. Otherwise, I just woke up here, in the bed, and thought I was daydreaming it all.”

“You must have some vivid daydreams, bro,” Chase muttered.

“Yeah.” Jackie nodded.

Marvin gave Jackie an odd look. “I don’t know if having daydreams that strong is normal.”

“No, probably not, but it doesn’t matter, really,” Jackie dismissed.

Marvin looked like he was ready to push the issue, but Chase put a hand on his shoulder and subtly shook his head. This wasn’t the time. “Well, we’re...we’re just really glad you’re okay, Jackie,” he said softly. “We were so fucking worried. You—you’re alright, right?”

Jackie patted himself over, wincing a bit as he pressed on his chest. “Mostly, yeah.”

“Yeah. We’re so happy you’re back,” Marvin added. “What...what happened?” Chase gave him a sharp look, but it was too late, the question was out.

“What happened?” Jackie looked at Marvin incredulously. “I got fucking kidnapped, that’s what happened. And then—a-and then—I was—we—” He stopped, taking a few deep breaths. “Sorry, I...I can’t talk about it.”

Marvin winced. “Sorry. Th-that was—that was rude. It just sort of came out. You don’t have to talk about it. Like Chase said, we were just...really worried, and we—we want to know you’re okay.”

“It’s fine, just be careful,” Jackie said quietly. “I’m okay. Except for the obvious.” In the moment of silence that followed, his eyes drifted down, attention drawn by the bandages on his upper arm. Frowning in strange concentration, he reached up and started pulling at them.

“Whoa, dude, what’re you doing?” Chase almost reached out to grab his wrist, but stopped, thinking that wouldn’t be well-received. “You need those!”

“I just wanna confirm something,” Jackie muttered, managing to loosen the tight bandages enough to start unwinding them. “They can be put back on.”

“I—you’re not wrong, but—what if there’s—I don’t know, a lot of blood, or something?” Chase speculated.

“I don’t think so. Not if I’m remembering right.” Jackie slowly removed the bandages, unwinding and pulling them off. Until, eventually, the wounds underneath were visible.

All three of them stiffened in unison. Jackie’s arm was cut up, but not in a random or accidental way. Instead, the word WARNING was carved into his skin, in bleeding capital letters, going from his shoulder, all down his arm, reaching his elbow. 

“What the fuck...?” Chase said, unable to say anything else. He couldn’t believe what he was saying. Stuff like that didn’t happen in real life, only in crime dramas. Who would actually do that?

Jackie’s face shifted as he covered up his distress with a blank expression. “So I was right,” he said tonelessly, attempting to rewrap the bandages one-handedly. Chase pulled himself out of his stunned stupor to bend over and help him with them.

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“Huh?” Chase stopped, looking back over at Marvin.

“Anti. I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Marvin repeated through gritted teeth. His posture was stiff, unmoving, his fists clenched. “He takes our friends—JJ, Schneep, Jackie—and does this? I’m going to kill him. I’m going to take a fucking knife or a gun or rope or whatever I can find and I’m going to kill him and watch the fucking life drain from his eyes—”

“Jesus, Marv, calm down!” Chase cried. “You gotta think this through.”

Jackie nodded. “Yeah. You’re not a killer.”

“I could be,” Marvin said bluntly.

“No!” Chase straightened, grabbing Marvin by the shoulders and forcing him to look at him. “Marvin, I get it, you’re upset by recent events and clearly filled with rage. For good reason, I’ll say. But you can’t just walk up to a professional assassin and attack him, you’ll just get killed! Besides, JJ and Schneep wouldn’t want you to do that, even for their sake. Just...take a step back. Go walk around and get it out of your system, if you have to. Don’t do anything stupid.”

For a moment, Chase’s words only seemed to anger Marvin more. But then, he broke away, letting out one long, single breath. He pressed his hands to his eyes, breathed some more, then let out a shout and hit himself in the chest a couple times. Chase jumped in surprise, instinctively reaching forward to stop him, but Marvin was already done. “Alright, fine, you have a point. That’d be a dumb move. Impossible and not worth it. But fuck, we gotta do something.”

Chase nodded. “Yeah. I know how you feel, bro.” Even though common sense would say to leave this to the professionals, he couldn’t just sit by while his friends were in danger.

“Um...” Jackie waved a bit, drawing the other two’s attention back to him. “What do you mean ‘professional assassin’?”

“Oh. Do you not...know?” Chase asked. “I mean, I thought you would, but...I guess maybe there wasn’t an opportunity. That’s, uh...kind of what Anti does. I think what he’s done with Schneep and whatever he has planned now is just...a side thing, maybe. We actually found his website—oh shit!” His eyes widened in remembrance, and he whirled back to face Marvin. “Marv, you’re not gonna believe this, and you probably don’t need any more reason to hate this guy, but he might be the one who stabbed you.”

Marvin gasped. “Shit, really?!”

“The one who what?!” Jackie repeated.

“Oh, right you were...gone by the time that happened.” Marvin grimaced, then quickly filled in Jackie with what happened at the boutique he used to work for. Finding out it was a front, having someone stab him on his way home one night, getting home and patching up just barely in time, then figuring the owners of the front tried to kill him and heading back to Ireland for a few months to let things calm down. “How’d you figure out it was Anti, Chase?”

“I checked his website. He has reviews from past, uhhh…’clients,’ and one left one talking about a failed hit on a guy who sounded like you,” Chase explained.

“Well, shit.” Marvin folded his arms, face grim. “That’s not good. Well, I’m not gonna leave again until this whole thing is cleared up. Fuckers try to kill me again.”

“Y’know I really don’t think you should tempt fate like that,” Jackie pointed out.

“Fate doesn’t exist, only karma. They’ll get what’s coming to them thricefold, I’m not leaving.”

“I guess...you don’t have to,” Chase said skeptically. “But be careful. We’re not losing anyone else.”

Marvin nodded, expression finally softening. He grabbed Chase’s hand and squeezed it. “I will be.”

“Good.” Chase sighed. “Well, Jackie. This has been a lot of excitement. We should probably let you get some rest.”

“No no no!” Jackie protested. “I-it’s fine, I don’t want you guys to go yet. I...it’s been...so long. You know?”

Chase nodded sadly. “Almost a year.”

“Yeah. Exactly.” Jackie grabbed the edge of the hospital blanket, twisting it. “So...you have a lot to catch me up on, then. I-it’s gonna take a while. You should sit down.”

Marvin and Chase glanced at each other. Then Marvin shrugged. “There are better chairs in this room than in Jack’s,” he said.

Chase laughed. “I mean, I wasn’t gonna say it—”

“You were thinking it, though?”

“Exactly.”

“Glad to hear my chairs are superior,” Jackie said, smiling a bit. “Pull one up.”

“Alright, Jackieboy Man, we have some time,” Chase grinned. “There’s a lot you’ve missed.”

The three of them sat, talking for hours about things that mattered a lot, and things that didn’t matter at all.

——————

“—can’t believe they—how did they know about—probably figured out about the others too—”

Jameson wasn’t paying much attention to Anti’s muttering, but every so often, he caught random snatches as Anti paced back and forth. Every time he passed by the doorway, more angry phrases passed through into the bedroom beyond. Something really had him upset, didn’t it? From what little he heard, someone had found something, and that was a big problem. Well...he had wondered if the police found Anti’s previous hideout, and if that was the reason he had to drag them out of there. Whatever the case, good. If Anti had a problem, he deserved it.

“—three fucking people in this tiny—gotta find out what’s still—somewhere new? Maybe?—”

Lying on the bed, Jameson saw Anti’s shadow pass to the left...then the right...then the left...then the right.... It kept cutting across the light that was shining into the dim bedroom from the room outside. The living room, to be exact. The living room of the apartment he was now trapped in, to be precise. Though, Anti did seem to be distracted. The bedroom door was wide open, if he wanted he could run out and—No, it probably wouldn’t work. Anti told him the front door was locked, and he probably still had the key on him. Jameson couldn’t take it from him; Anti was much stronger. Besides, even if the key had been sitting out on the table, Jameson wasn’t the only person who needed to get out.

Speaking of which...

He rolled over to his side, now facing the bedroom wall. There was a window on this side, but the shutters were closed, and actually had a padlock making sure they couldn’t be moved. Anti probably had that key, too. There was a wardrobe in one corner and a dresser in the other, the former having its doors ajar to show it was empty inside. Or...empty of clothes, at least. A figure was pressed against one wall, huddled up, indistinct in the shadows. When Jameson had woken up a few hours ago, there had been faint mumbling and sobbing coming from that direction. Now, there was nothing.

After a moment of listless staring, Jameson sat up, glanced out the doorway to make sure Anti was still occupied in his pacing, then stood and walked over to the wardrobe. He pushed the door farther open and stared down at the figure. A man. Knees pulled up and arms covering face, the classic defensive position. A moment more passed before Jameson sat down on the wardrobe floor next to the shadowy huddle.

“Ah!” The man gasped a bit, then looked up. Wide blue eyes reflected the little light in the dim room. He stared at Jameson, then asked, “Jackie?”

Jameson shook his head.

“No, no. Of course not. I’m sorry, I am just confused.” The man’s eyes squinted a bit. “Do I...know you?”

Jameson shook his head again.

“Oh. Good. I was worried for a moment there.” The man uncurled a bit, taking his arms away from his face. He reached down to his ankles, slightly adjusting the cuffs around them, binding them together. Then he glanced around. “I do not recognize this place, either. Do you?” When Jameson shook his head for a third time, the man tilted his head. “Can you...not speak?”

Faintly surprised, Jameson nodded. Most people would ask why he was quiet or demand that he talk. Only a few caught on to the reality without him somehow cuing them with signs or writing.

“Ah, I’m sorry, then. Can you hear me?”

A nod.

“I see.” The man glanced out at the room again. “My name—my name is Henrik.” So Jameson’s guess was right. This was the Dr. Schneeplestein he’d heard so much about, and had one brief meeting with, a meeting that had ended badly. “What is your—what do I call you?”

Thinking for a moment, Jameson reached out and gently took one of Schneep’s hands. He stiffened a bit, but allowed him to do so. Jameson then drew out the letter J twice on the surface of his palm.

“JJ? Oh, that is very nice.” Schneep smiled faintly. “I understand some sign language, you know. But I am afraid I am very rusty. I do not think I could hold a conversation.” His smile fell. “Do you...know why we are here?”

Jameson nodded sadly. He gestured out towards the room, in the direction of the doorway Anti was pacing and muttering in front of.

Schneep shuddered. “Yes, I—I have—he has—I have been in this situation. Before.”

Jameson pointed at himself, then made the sign for also by pointing his fingers and touching his hands together.

“I know that one. You...you know him, too?” Schneep’s voice held a combination of horror, sympathy, and strangely, hope. Hope that he wasn’t alone. “I suppose I don’t have to explain, then.”

Letting out a huff of dark laughter, Jameson shook his head.

“Hmm. That is good.” Schneep scanned Jameson, taking in as many details he could in the faint light. “I...something about this time is...different. Than when he last took me.” He suppressed another shiver as he looked up towards the shadow passing back and forth on the ceiling. “I...am sorry you are here.”

Jameson scooted closer to him. He put one hand on Schneep’s shoulder and signed Sorry with his other. Neither of them should be here. Anti should never have interfered in their lives again.

Schneep let out a shaky breath, and leaned closer to Jameson until he was resting his weight against him. Jameson pressed his head against his. And together, they listened to the sound of their nightmare pacing and muttering, wondering what was next for them.

[nighttimepixels]

TALK TO US ABOUT MASS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN AN INSANE MASS EFFECT/SHAKARIAN TRASH PERSON SINCE 20-FUCKING-11 AND LEMME TELL YOU THOSE FEELINGS HAVENOT TARNISHED A SINGLE FRACTION IN THOSE TEN YEARS OH MY GOOOOOOODDDSSSS!!!!!!!

I DEMAND A PLAY-BY-PLAY UP TO THE MINUTE OF YOUR REACTIONS TO EVERYTHING!!!!

you are so valid and I totally see why everyone I've ever mentioned it to loves the hell out of it

aksdjlsdfj I meannnn if you want to hear my rambling about it then hell yeah

Okay, gonna put this below the cut to save everyone else XD also- since I'm not leaving this Mass Effect obsession anytime soon, if you're not interested in seeing occasional posts about it, please feel free to block the tag "night plays ME"~

(mild spoilers ahead??)

((also for real I mean it when I say this is rambling as hell lol, apologies and no stress if absolute no one reads all this))

OKAY SO Mass Effect 1-

Stars help me, I was honestly hooked right from the start?? Like even in Legendary Edition (the combined trilogy just re-released in one "can play it on one system + minor improvements", for anyone who doesn't know) where it's smoothed out, of course it's obvious that ME1 is a decade old... but the foundation for these relationships are all there and gods I love them already.

Like - Kaiden right off the top is a delightful good fightin lad, what the hell. I've heard that he's viewed as 'bland' by a good portion of the fan community but I dunno, he's a delight and even more complex by the time 2 rolls around and you encounter him on Horizon, it was honestly Ashley I was way more meh about - mostly because before you can learn about her family history/etc, she comes off as hella xenophobic and I was immediately offended for my growing space family that she didn't like/trust all the aliens around, pfff.

(she gets redeemed a bit through further actions/evolving thoughts, but I thought in retrospect it was a bummer that they didn't flip the order there, give her a chance to be liked before the complicating factor of being so rude about aliens >:c that then she could grow from... ah well. Apparently she has a good arc but uh, let's just say I chose Kaiden at the "key junction" in the latter part of the game so I won't be seeing anymore of Ashley uh... anytime soon, haha.)

Garrus??? Is??????? The ABSOLUTE best???????????

I liked him from the start, I'm always a bit of a sucker for a rogue-detective "the system won't bring this bastard to justice, so I've got to" type and all their moral shadiness XD But he just gets better, honestly, and where I'm at in ME2 (right before the Reaper IFF mission, as of typing this, with everyone's loyalty!) I am only digging myself deeper into this hole-

-*wheezing* okay anyways -

Wrex is AMAZING I love fightin' middle-aged krogan bastard, gods. Liara is great too, I'm a sucker for a wlw relationship (playing fem!Shepard, so) - buuuut I'll admit she's a bit more one-note in ME1. Last week while I was still on ME1 I remember hearing (while trying to dodge spoilers) that her arc is really good, though. I think they leaned a little hard on the 'innocent but sexy' sterteotype on her (so despite the yikes aspect of a few of the things I've learned in ME2, lol, I actually really like the complexity that's been added to her character.)

Saved Liara first, so by the time I got to Noveria and had the standoff with Benezia there was the chance to have emotions over Liara having to face her TwT and of course, I made the questionable but quality decision to free Queen Rachni heheh. no ragrets

More than a blow-by-blow of my choices though I totally wanna take the chance to say that even in the mild jankiness of ME1 (goddammit, the Mako.... please..... please just go up this impossible cliff I just want to resource hunt-) the way that the lore, both obvious/key to main plot and the lesser/filler/background/world-building kinds... I just love it. It incorporates it well, you can go ham in the codex learning more, or just dive into the basics - it's clearly a complex galaxy (and they do an even better job in 2 of fleshing it out further), and it never really felt overwhelming. It was pretty natural figuring it all out-!

Plus the interesting implications of resource hunting amongst the sapient races, and the little side missions you better bet I did every one of- there's so much rich depth in the story if you do 'em!! (And that lead with that Keeper side mission...? Looking back, damn, clever foreshadowing-!!!)

And oh my gods, Ilios??? hell yeah. I loved that mission so much, especially having Garrus & Kaiden with me when talking to the hologram/computer, and more than anything, that last sprint in the Mako trying to get to the jump before it closed-???

yeet the boi-

Also mannn I love a good setpiece, and having to go up the side of the elevator, space-side?? such a cool setup!!

Plus it felt good having been Paragon enough (as simple as the good v bad vibe system is, I don't hate it, lol) to avoid one of the Saren fights, ngl. And the er, "second fight" with Sovereign-Saren.... hell yeah

... I'll admit I had to double check my choice re whether to save the Council. I did in the end, but I swear, sometimes the way they phrase things I'm like ".... okay but Garrus is right, defeating Sovereign is more important than these few leaders??????" woops. Listen, priorities, is all I'm saying..... (￣ヮ￣|||)ゞ

'Course later they emphasize (in ME2) that there were 10,000 people on that same ship and I was like well I wouldn't have second guessed if I'd known that, I mean c'mon-

Also I did indeed romance Liara in this one, so I got that scene ;Dc But,,,, I also knew by the end that I was totally gonna romance Garrus in 2 since he's an option then finally,,,,, lemme tell you the guilt as I waffled over whether to romance Liara bc of it. hahaha.

Aaaaand Mass Effect 2-

So I'm only up to right before the Reaper IFF Mission, so I don't know the ending, etc etc lol. That said, I've just finished every side mission I've found with the exception of the Shadowbroker Quest and the Arrival Quest (I've heard the latter basically leads into ME3, and the former is best either right before the Omega 4 jump or in postgame).

So from the start - fuck yeah fuck yeah what a high adrenaline start Shepard noooooo but also yes save Joker aH-

The motion comic too hot damn nice job

I loved this setup, seriously - especially forcing Shep into this situation, having to work with/for Cerberus, and the compelling reasoning given behind "why" they do what they do (I especially found it a good point that the Salarians have the Task Force, the Asaris the Commandos, the Turians the- etc... like, true, when you put it like that, having a similar group advancing human interests/solving human interstellar problems is pretty reasonable...). That said, I love too that it really isn't shied away from how Cerberus is nonetheless fucked up - or its at least done fucked up stuff.

Listen, I still think some messed up stuff is gonna be revealed in 2's endgame......... after that Horizon mission and the Collector's ship???? TIM I SEE YOU YOU SHADY MF-

aaanyways lol...

I'm so so glad on a gameplay level they nixed the Mako style exploration. A few Hammerhead missions are fine and a lot more focused than the slippery ass navigation in that glorified ATV, pfff. The probes are a neat way of getting after similar resources - and more importantly, having good levels and some good hubs (the Zakera Wards, Omega, Ilium, etc) is way way more fun than having a more 'sprawling' space that is.... a lot of empty nonsense, lol.

Then there's the fact that we get Joker right off the bat and you can interact with him so much - and him and EDI??? Get out gods I love them. Kasumi is so right when she says they sound like a bickering old married couple lol. I have a terrible feeling that some shit is gonna happen with EDI..... but I don't think she's evil as-is, at least.

Side-eying the hell out of those "access forbidden" parts of her that she doesn't even know.... and the fact that her AI core has a locked door access................... something's gonna happen gdi LEAVE OUR ADOPTED AI ALONE.

(Also Joker pls stop fracturing your thumb on the mute button)

Also please save me there are so many hot aliens in this game,,,,, the xeno/monsterfuckers really comin' through strong in the sequels............... doin' the lord's work........................................

In general, I love how many levels ME stepped up in two with complexity and interwoven narratives!! Like, to the point it'd be almost a drag to replay ME1, even though it was fun going through it (if occasionally a bit tedious with the cookie cutter rando planet science/mine facilities, lol). Like, just from how fun and interesting ME2 is, mostly! more of all the pre-introduced races, plus new ones, plus more filling in of intragalactic politics, and more interesting implications of all these space-faring races mixing....

Also gods WREX and his planet holy shit,,,,, fuckin' hell yeah my man get their shit together and also adopt Grunt yes good-

And Mordin??? My singing semi-evil scientist best friend forced to confront his choices more than he thought he ever would have???? With some of the best ongoing general report chatter of all the companions??

(when I tell you I choked on my coffee when I talked to him after confirming romance choice w/ Garrus and that 'pamphlet' and 'anaphalactic shot if ingesting-' kajsldkfjsldfjk)

Like, fuck, the fact that they actually dive into the mixed morality and horrors of the genophage, and you can confront Mordin on it, for good reason, yet he still stands his ground, until finally some bits of his loyalty mission seem to... affect him, and I'm guessing might set up things for 3 with him? Unsure, but either way, damn, the fact that they start to dig into it...

And Taliiiii my beloved forbidden alien wife TwT her loyalty mission was SO GOOD. I love how varied they all are?? Getting to defend her and discover what she'd unwittingly been a part of-!!

Zaeed is a bastard but tbh I love that he is and that he's unapologetic in him - and Kasumi omg, best thief. A heist?? Gods, yes- I love our couch lounge chats XD

Samara is..... illegally.......... she's an illegally powerful and beautiful and eloquent MILF...........................

(.... listen I'm sapphic as hell and I'm kicking my own ass for picking her up last aksjdlfksjdfl - but her loyalty mission, damn. And seeing how there's this interesting cultural subset, and the struggle with the Asari in that they unquestioningly accept/respect justicars, but also know that the impact outside their culture is a diplomacy nightmare waiting to happen-)

,.,,,,,T,,, Thane,,,,,

I am weak for morally implicated murder dads okay?? And that voice??? His mannerisms?????? How you first see him, and that prayer after assassinating her...???????? And his history/his people's history with the hanar, gods I love how messy it is, it feels so much more real!

Also Jack is a mess and I love her (and want to get her some therapy, omg), and her and Miranda nearly duking it out after you've done both their loyalty missions??? so good and makes a lot of sense-! Honestly I would love more interactions between teammates on the ship, but there's already so much the devs had to balance I can't blame 'em for minimizing, heh. But suffice to say I also love Miranda and Jacob, even if I'm softest for my alien crew XD Hell yeah Jacob, we'll get loud and spill drinks on the citadel indeed TwT

.... I could write a whole essay on how much I love Garrus oTL Perhaps because he and Tali are the throughlines from 1 on your 2 crew, I have some of the strongest feelings about them... but genuinely, he was one of my favorite companions in the first game, and how you find him as Archangel in two? Getting to help him fight his way out after he's gone nearly 48 hours straight fighting off three gangs alone, jfc. His vengeance quest and what can happen there.... That line? fuck me, that line -

It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey? I don't know what to do with gray...

How DARE you come for my heart like this, devs holy shit

(also, some other choice faves so far from the series from him include We can disobey suicidal orders?? and This wasn't in my training manual... [in 1, if you have him with you @ th Thorian fight] and his whole.... pop the heat sink - in his romance ;Dc)

asdasdfksadjfkl like I said I can write an essay on him PFFF suffice to say I'm very looking forward to his romance scene and where things go in 3

But yeah gods I'm just gonna keep rambling if I'm not careful lol. Gods I don't even know what to talk about it's all so good and while I can understand people roasting the obviousness of Paragon V Renegade (v neutral) choices/alignments, I think they do a pretty damn good job in 2 of pushing it further - to the point that there were some times that I accidentally got renegade points and I wasn't that mad, haha. There's so much fun in the interactions that I just have a good time anyways~

I have so many thoughts about TIM (The Illusive Man) and Cerberus.... theories evolving galore............... and like, what the hell!! Omega 4 going to the center of the galaxy is such a cool twist, goddamn - though my heart still breaks at losing Kaiden (his line if you haven't romanced him?? about feeling like he lost a limb when he lost you??? holy shit.... but I also can't blame him for not trusting Cerberus to the point of it affecting his ability to trust Shepard... like fuck Shep go after himmmm) I'm really excited to see where that goes since he comes back in 3, and what the fuck happens with Cerberus bc while I love the fact that obviously there are a lot of people in it for the right reasons, doing good work, there are those that are doing the opposite, and I have a very bad feeling about where TIM will end up landing....

All that said though I need to do the Reaper IFF mission (where I'm lightly spoiled as to getting That Boy, but not how/what happens to make it so - just that it's apparently wise to have all your side missions done before getting him...) and the actual Omega 4 jump. So we'll see what happens and what I think about it from there heheh!

.... major kudos and genuine props if you made it here to the end, I am so sorry for not editing on condensing all this, and appreciate you so much ;w;