#I dont know. I feel a weird dissonance. Even when i like my art alone i feel so scared and stressed about the reception

[abandonedsdjfhcvndfbv]

I feel literally insnae and deranged about my art for no reason. Fuckkkkkkkkkk i feel like i need to get back on instagram because atleast in terms of my art being received it never really bothered me in terms of views or comments. But i left that place just to escape a few people and that makes me scared to go back. Lifelong fear i always hate being in places i felt i had to "escape" from evne irl

[sizhui]

hi angie!! ur bit about bl generally being less interested in explictly talking abt gayness is very true! in fact yea i dont think its limited to bl as shows or novels or manga and extends to general media containing or focusing on explictly gay characters in asia. rather than homophobia itself i find media tends to focus more on the fallout / general form of it such as isolation and marginalisation. i find people on the fringes of society serve as good vehicles to explore a feeling of deep isolation and desire that is taboo to express but incredibly common in increasingly modernised societies and many directors / writers see that too. ofc this is a very general observation. to be more accurate being on fringes also allows these characters to simultaneously exist in society and exiled from it which opens them to certain experiences and emotions we typically keep repressed. when they are a part of society they may be battling constant dissonance but when they are exiled they may face loneliness everywhere. ig the weirdness n ability to enter the unreal allows for emotions in these stories to be amplified beyond what is normally possible or even socially acceptable to express. you're alr past 1 boundary whats 1 more u know? IDK THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS

idk i think while in some part culture informs the decision to stray away from focusing stories on homophobia (because homophobia also doesnt take the same form in these countries & ultimately stems from different historical events) because explicitly expressing one's homosexuality is like Very different from merely partaking in said activity and results in arguably a very different story too. i also think it has to do with different artistic interests. its not even really exclusive to asia because i find plenty of lgbt artists tend to also branch out into more related or adjacent themes grounded in their lgbt experience rather than on being lgbt alone ig???

i got off track again but imo i think good lgbt art is also just good art n can explore other themes and basically tries to say more abt people than just this or that

i find maybe more western media wants to focus on these characters as being forced to exist in society as outsiders but not like in other settings idk im not articulate

this isnt my full response btww keke just thoughts :3

DEAR LAB!!!! thank you so much for this, it was really insightful and valuable to me!!!!!!! Sorry for being unable to write a longer response at the moment , but I would love to continue this conversation whenever you feel like it, so feel free to dm me or send more asks anytime ^_^ thank you again, so glad to be talking about it with u!

[akechicrimes]

175?

175. “Star gazing. That’s your thing? Seriously?”

yusuke and goro visit the planetarium and the whole thing goes about as weird as you’d expect.

set during sae’s casino. i dont know why they’re on a planetarium date so you can pick ur own headcanon for that lmfao

*

“Of course I love stargazing,” says Yusuke, in that irritating tone of voice he uses when he seems to effortlessly and flawlessly imply that perfectly normal questions are ridiculous. “They’re quite beautiful, aren’t they?”

“I suppose beauty would be of great value to an artist,” says Goro with cautious pleasantness.

“Beauty holds great value to a human soul. All of the wonders of the universe are between the gaze of a viewer and the beauty of starlight.”

“Oh. How fascinating,” says Goro politely, and then leans back in his planetarium chair and wonders if he can smuggle himself out a bathroom window and tell Yusuke that he fell suddenly ill as an escape plan.

Akira, the one and only person that Goro might deign to respect on this asshole of an earth, seems to adore his group of idiot friends, and especially seems to adore the idiot friend named Yusuke Kitagawa. Which, granted, was perhaps an uncharitable estimation—Kitagawa got top marks at Kosei and was already making a name for himself in the art world, so he couldn’t be quite that stupid. Probably. 

Hopefully.

Goro checks his watch again. He’d signed up willingly for a whole forty-minute planetarium show that began in five minutes in the hopes of unearthing the mysteries of Akira’s taste in—Akira’s taste in friends, and now it’s looking like that was a forty-minute investment too long. Akira will just be inscrutable as always, and Yusuke will turn out to be not much else interesting beyond his ability to summon a Persona. Goro could be doing homework right now, instead of watching fake lights on a projector. He could be answering emails. He could be scoping out the interior of Sae’s casino again…

“In truth, I’m surprised you agreed to come with me,” says Yusuke suddenly. (What’s that supposed to mean?) “But I’m glad for the company.” (What’s that supposed to mean?) “I come often, but usually alone. Are you, perhaps, a fan of stars yourself?”

“I haven’t thought much about the topic,” says Goro, instead of I took an astrology quiz once and didn’t appreciate that it called me a two-faced bitch. “Call me curious about the practice of looking at a light show of simulated stars within a building. If you appreciate stargazing so much, wouldn’t it be better to actually go out and see real stars with your own eyes?”

The obvious answer is because of Tokyo’s light pollution, which blots out any sort of astronomical endeavor whatsoever. The other obvious answer is that the planetarium specializes in showing all sorts of star formations at all times of the year, enabling one to experience the constellations of December in the middle of July.

Instead, Yusuke says, “Why should I do such a thing? Are the real stars worth anything more than the stars in the planetarium?”

Oh? Perhaps this adventure will be enjoyable after all. Goro’s always loved a good debate, or--if he can swing it--a proper argument. “Most people would say that the real version is more valuable,” he replies.

“The real version is quite ugly,” says Yusuke matter-of-factly.

Goro narrows his eyes. “The true form of things tend to be quite ugly.”

“Nonsense. All things are beautiful.”

Goro sits in his chair and stares at the dimmed pre-show lights, and then says: “Excuse me?”

“All things are beautiful,” says Yusuke again, like the logic between these two statements should be patently obvious to Goro.

Goro waits a long moment to see if Yusuke is joking. He isn’t, evidently. “Please explain to me, then, how these two statements exist without conflict with each other.”

Yusuke makes a face. “Conflict?”

“Illogicality. Irrationality. Discrepancy. Dissonance.”

Yusuke is giving him a look like he wishes Goro would translate his perfectly-good words into something that makes sense for him. Goro has the increasing sensation that they’re having two entirely different conversations. “Most things that are false represent the truth of things better than the truth can represent itself,” says Yusuke, like this sentence makes any fucking sense at all. “Ah, forgive me. Perhaps a mind so thoroughly wedded to uncover truth from mystery, rather than the creation of truth, cannot comprehend.”

Comprehend? Like Goro’s an annoying little freshman in a senior seminar who doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Oh, does Kitagawa want to fucking bet? Is this how it’s going to be? “Try me,” says Goro. “I can be a quick study.”

Yusuke seems rather satisfied by the answer, oddly. “Indeed, I’ve heard from Akira precisely so.” (Wait, Akira talks to Yusuke about Goro? What about? What did he say? He talks about Goro to other people?) “Say that an artist paints an apple,” Yusuke goes on, without any regard whatsoever for Goro’s increasingly Akira-related questions. “The painting is redder than a real apple, rounder, shinier, more delicious. It is more true to what that apple is to me than a real apple. Or, perhaps, say an artist paints an apple, and it is duller, smaller, more shriveled, and joyless. This, too, might be more true to how the apple is to me than the real apple.”

“So you make a distinction between accuracy and ‘truth’.”

“Certainly. These stars along the inside of this building, for example, are the product of the love of all the scientists and students and projectionists and curators who built and maintain and run this planetarium. They are accurate, but also not—they do not reflect the stars precisely as they are in position to this minute and day, but a vast range of different positions. They are accurately replicated to the point of more beauty. This is what those stars are to them. And that’s what the stars are to me.”

“Oh,” says Goro, with a short laugh. “How naive of you, Kitagawa-kun.”

Yusuke sits up so sharply that the woman next to him jolts. “Excuse you?”

“I don’t mean anything bad by it. It’s rather charming of you,” says Goro with a smile that even he knows is cute. (One of these days, Goro’s going to make a whole Instagram dedicated to every moment he’s smiled cutely on live TV for the sole purpose of irritating someone.) “Beauty is not always a reflection of some higher truth. People use beauty all the time to cover up the unsavory parts of themselves, you know.” Goro glances around to make sure nobody’s looking, then leans in, as if to share a friendly secret: “If you continue with a belief like that, someone with a pretty face and an ugly heart might come along and take advantage of you.”

“Hardly so,” says Yusuke with a sniff. “I’m well aware how disgusting the hearts of certain persons can be, thank you.”

“Oh? Not as naive as you like to pretend?” (Madarame’s palace had been quite a spectacle, that’s for sure. If Kitagawa had seen it, then…)

“I have never said that ugliness does not exist, Akechi-san. I have already said that the real thing does tend to be quite ugly.” Yusuke seems, if anything, rather frustrated--but not with Goro, and it feels less like Goro is winning an argument and more like Yusuke is losing a struggle to explain himself. “I am an artist, not a philosopher. What I know is that the planetarium stars are worth far more than the stars outside, and far more beautiful, besides. Because they’ve been recreated so. They are beautiful because they are not true. Does that not make sense?”

Absolutely not. “You cannot just pick and choose the realities you like. Truth and beauty are not just a thing you can create out of ugly, rotten dirt.”

“Then we must agree to disagree,” says Yusuke coldly, and turns away and speaks not a word until the show begins.

*

They watch the planetarium show in frigid silence. For whatever it’s worth, the stars do look, in fact, frighteningly real.

After the show, they stand with the rest of the crowd and make their way to the front, where they blink in the dim light of the sunset. Yusuke sighs, and turns back to him. “I spoke too harshly,” he says straightforwardly. “Perhaps the fault is mine, as I’ve never quite been good enough to express my thoughts in words, rather than images.”

“It’s quite alright,” says Goro, as if Goro hadn’t sat there for forty minutes alternatively screaming about what might happen if Yusuke went crying to Akira about Goro bullying him over lights in the sky and wondering if Goro could get away with pushing Yusuke directly into as many fire-based spells in the Metaverse the next time they went. “I did… enjoy… the planetarium show.”

Yusuke looks brighter at that, and then dims again. “Well. I’m glad. But I had hoped that perhaps someone as beautiful as yourself would understand what I meant.” And then he checks his phone, and: “Ah, I do need to rush to catch my train. Although this date was a disaster, perhaps the next one won’t be. Hopefully we can meet again.”

“Of course,” says Goro on reflex, and barely manages to wave goodbye as Yusuke gives him a quick smile, hikes up his bag, and jogs in the direction of the station.

Goro lowers his hand. Replays the last half of that conversation.

Wait a fucking minute.

[wwoofcsa]

Crazy time in Pai

So over the last few relationships id realized that id really been struggling with confrentation, resistance and avoidance. Id fall for a girl and over commit myself to some degree, and when i perceived that she was becoming more dependent on me than i felt comfrotable, i’d start feeling a bit trapped and try and distance myself. Throughout the process of this happening, id attempt to communicate it, but i was always focusing more on the external experiences that i thought were causing my discomfort. Shes trying to hang out too much, shes not giving my space to make boundries. Eventually i started noticing the pattern and through observing, i wanted to approach these situations (towards myself and my partner) from a more compassionate space. I wanted to come from a space that felt more like my secure self, dealing with challenges i was having, as opposed to acting through an avoidant “mask” i felt like i had been wearing. 

During wonderfruit, i had a pretty strong experience in the “distancing” realm with karla. I had met these two amazing amazing girls and i wanted to dedicate time to connecting with them. A week or so earlier, i started to feel something going on with karla. She was definitely feeling some insecurities and and our relationship got a bit heavier. I was seeing that my support was perhaps not strong enough to keep her head above water, but because we were only speaking on the phone, i didnt feel it too much. Upon arriving at the festival, i tried to express that i was a bit nervous, feeling that i may have to find a balance between attending to her needs, and my needs of connecting with these girls. I think my perfect situation (now looking back) would have been for me and karla to spend time with these girls and to be a crew, where i could be open and loving towards everyone and feel good about the balance. In the end, it felt that karla was constantly pulling my attention away, which was causing me a great deal of dissonance. I wanted to be with the girls, but i was feeling as if i wasnt free to do what felt good for me. A few days in, after a few conversations between karla and i, trying to figure out what was going on. I realized that i was feeling a great deal of resistance (which she was feeling as well). I told her, that i could see that she needed support, but this time for me to connect with these two girls was really important to me and that i wasnt willing to support her in this time and that i could give her all the support she needed when we arrived back to chiang mai after the festival. While clearly struggling, she did give me the space (guilt free) of spending time with the girls. I was very very greatful for this and ultimately that space allowed us to heal over the next week. Still though, on and off i felt as if there was a wall inbetween us that wasnt allowing for me i truly express the way i felt. I was feeling hyper critical, and things would bother me that hadnt in the past. At the end of the week, i had noticed the following things

-karla and i are very compatible in many ways

-we live very similarly, and when we’re alone, things are very peaceful and lovely

-sometimes when we’re with others, i have a hard time navigating and balancing our relationship

-when either of us are feeling off, it can be very hard to understand what the root is

-we seem to connect differently in social settings, or at least we have different ideas about how we connect with others. (i think karla may have a distorted idea of how i connect with others)

Anyway we went our seperate ways at the end of the week, and she headed towards koh chung, and i headed up to pai...

So i arrived in pai, and i was supposed to meet katy. The first evening i arrived, we met up for a christmas potluck and this (which we found out later) christian, spiritual community gathering. There were hippies everywhere and little dreaded kids eating with their parents. It was actually quite lovely. After a bit of time, i found a deep sense of distance towards katy as well. It didnt feel good to be with her, and everything felt quite flat. We both felt it and at the end of the evening, we spoke about it a bit. I told her i was working through some stuff and it wasnt her fault, but that perhaps when we met, it was just in a particular headspace that i was no longer in. The next day we decided it didnt feel good to meet up, and that i would see her before i left pai, to say goodbye.

A few days in pai, meeting some amazing and beautiful people (charlotte, hook and ting ting) really did me some good. I ended up going to a breathwork workshop and at the beginning of the workshop, she asked us what we wanted to release from us. I said distance, avoidance, resistance. During the holotropic breathing, there was a point where i saw myself, holding petrina as she was curled up, and i was crying because i just wanted to keep her safe, but i knew that i couldnt, and that i would have to let her go. Suddenly petrina changed to a child. I was holding this baby in my hands, with the same feeling as before, and a moment passed until i realized that the newborn i was holding, was myself as a child. And i cried a bit more. I truly felt, that by trying to protect myself, i was only holding myself back, and that i would have to let myself go, to experience these relationships fully in tune with myself. 

Arriving at the end of the workshop, something had definitely shifted and i could feel a lightness in my body. Little did i know, the universe is literally always present and has a sense of humor.

So later that evening, charlotte told us that she had friends performing at an open mic at art of chai. We all decided to go and when we arrived, we saw that the open mic and only just begun, so we went to grab a quick bite to eat, and then returned after. Upon our return, the first person i saw, sitting with her father, was dannah cahn. A super super weird experience in itself, just because i had no idea that she was in pai, as we werent really on speaking terms. So after an awkward embrace, i went and sat down. I got some inspiration from charlotte to lead a mini meditation during the open mic. And when i was called up to lead it, katy waltzes in this tiny coffee shop and sits down. So here i am, leading a loving kindness meditation, and two of my past partners are sitting and watching in this little tiny room. I guess the universe is telling me that  its time for me to deal with my shit.

Hilariously trying to process this situation, i ran to the bathroom for a moment, and sat down, took a few breaths and smiled. I dont know whats happening or how, but im going to try and face it, the best i knew how. So i took a moment with each of them, to wish them well on their paths, but that i dont think it will feel good to meet up while i’m in pai and that i appreciate the space. They were both very kind and compassionate in response and i couldnt be more at peace with the situation. A beautiful lesson learned, and a first step into confrontation and facing the things that life throws my way.