#I don't spend a lot of time on the internet anymore because it's stressful and not healthy

[erindrawsstuff]

Hello!

I wanted to ask if you had any comic recommendations! I’ve noticed that our tastes are very similar, haha

here’s one from me!

go check out My Superhero! by Jessie Paige Dawson

Oh I've been WAITING for this one--

A lot of the comics I read are less self-indulgent/wish-fulfillment/slice of life/romance and more "make me ponder about the thing I am reading on an obsessive level" and "I want this story to rewrite my life and make me question everything". However if I'm needing a mental break I will enjoy a good comfort comic!

WARNING BEFOREHAND: Some of the listed comics may include themes like slight body horror, suicide/self-harm, abuse, depression, etc. There are pre-existing warnings on most of these comics but like all media please proceed with caution and take care of yourselves!

On WEBTOON:

Space Boy by Stephen McCranie (currently on hiatus)

Do you love space? Do you enjoy colorful comics with intriguing casts of characters with a dash of existentialism and the complexities of life and what it means to be human? Then you'll definitely want to read this one. Also, it baffles me that Stephen has essentially improvised the majority of this story--it's incredibly cohesive and very well-written.

Nevermore by Kate Flynn and Kit Trace (updates regularly on Fridays)

This is the definition of disaster lesbians--toxic yuri, even, but that's why I love it! Very fun concept of limbo as a gothic academic setting where everyone is out to get everyone for a second chance at life. The main love interests have a recently-divorced vibe that is so messy and I eat it up every time they interact with each other. The supporting cast is also very fleshed-out and dynamic and play very well off of each other to make for interesting scenarios.

Suitor Armor by Purpah (updates on Fridays)

A comic that questions what it means to be human/have a soul and the complexities of life and the moral ambiguity! I feel like there's a pattern here... anyway, I really enjoy the world-building in this one and while I'm not usually a fan of plot-twists for shock value, Purpah does them VERY WELL and I was indeed very shocked and surprised several times.

Castle Swimmer by Wendy Lian Martin (currently on hiatus)

I do love my gay fish boys. Castle Swimmer is one of those comics I could picture as an animated series and if that happens I want to be on that animation team so bad (Wendy I'm on my hands and knees). The world building is immaculate and feels so vast that every time a new setting is discovered it feels like the world map is being filled out as you go. Main characters defy predestined-fates after falling in love with each other and I'm a sucker for that trope. Gender-fuckery and many representations of sexuality is also a normal occurrence so that's very refreshing. AND Wendy incorporates a lot of facts/biology/conservation awareness for marine life into the story and after episodes and I love that very much.

On Hiveworks:

Novae by KaiJu (Jen and Kate) (updates on Mondays and Thursdays)

Historical fiction with romance, more gender-fuckery, magic systems and astronomy (more space!! I love space!!). I eat up all the cultural references and have learned more from this comic than most of my history classes. Beautiful, beautiful art style and overall very well-written. Cant' wait to get my heart broken over the next few chapters (something just happened but you'll have to read it for yourself).

Tiger, Tiger by Petra Norlund (currently on hiatus)

My friend recommended this to me with the general pitch of "noblewoman cross-dresses as her twin brother to escape the responsibilities of high society and study sea sponges aboard the stolen ship of said-brother" and let me tell you I wish I read it sooner. I need to re-read it at some point but from what I can recall there's also a lot of queer pining and will-they-won't-they but also we can't worry about that right now because world-ending things are happening and one of the world-ending things is very hot and cool.

Barbarous by Ananth Hirsh and Yuko Ota (currently on hiatus)

I recently discovered this comic but I devoured it within hours; not only is the magic portrayed in such an interesting way (literally weaving magic/needing physical conduits to cast spells) despite being in a modern setting. Percy/Chiaki hits home being down on her luck and how her desperation to be perfect and powerful has made her do questionable things and I love that for her. All the characters are messy in their own way and it really breathes life into what could be considered a slice-of-life.

Namesake by Megan Lavey-Heaton and Isabelle Melançon (I'm actually unsure if there's a consistent update schedule?)

Man how do I even begin to explain Namesake?? I can't, that's why you should read it for yourself. Get ready to take notes because it is so dense with magical systems, character and setting history that I felt like I was studying but it's fun studying. This is also one I've followed for yeeearrrs and it's just gotten better with time.

Countdown to Countdown by Velinxi/Xiao Tong Kong (updates on Wednesdays)

This is actually a re-release of Xiao's previous comic by the same name; it had a similar format to Ava's Demon with painterly single panels (you can still read the original here), and now it's a paginated-format with a very fleshed-out story and world (and the art style slightly simplified but still gorgeous). I love the changes Xiao was able to make because it really helps the story and characters shine compared to the earlier version. I'm pretty sure that she had likened it to Tangled such as: generational trauma, escaping a tower, MC discovering the world while love interest grows to love their passion and joy despite struggling in said-world and they are both boys and they are kissing (I added that last bit it has been the slowest slow burn of my life).

Daughter of the Lilies by Meg Syv (currently on hiatus)

High fantasy/Dungeons and Dragons setting with incomprehensible beings and a girl without a face that just wants to be accepted by the family she has found within her adventuring party. I adore the character interactions and I don't want to say too much about the world because of very cool spoilers, but I really love this one.

STANDALONE COMICS:

Ava's Demon by Michelle Fus (updates fairly regularly now? but can have some hiatuses)

One of those OG webcomics I've been read since forever ago, but I still love it and am excited to see where the story goes. Sci-fi fantasy setting where most of the inhabited planets have been overruled by this one asshole who might be a god? Either way it follows Ava and a rag-tag group of friends/enemies/frenemies as they try to battle Titan's rule with demon pacts and untapped, unknown powers. I haven't re-read it in a very long time but I do remember enjoying the story and characters and the art style is absolutely gorgeous.

Lackadaisy by Tracy J. Butler

Oh my god please read this comic if you haven't already (or watch some of it as it's now an animated pilot on YouTube and has been recently funded for a full season!) I'm a complete sucker for 1920s/1930s prohibition stories and the underground businesses of rumrunners, not to mention the added bonus that they're all cats! The art style is gorgeous both in the earlier chapters and the later chapters, and the writing is so incredibly well-constructed and intricate that my baby brain could hardly keep up when I first started readying back in uhhhh 2010/2012?). It has a wackiness and charisma that Tracy has only honed since first starting and I can't recommend it enough.

The Meek and Mare Internum by Der-shing Helmer (The Meek is on indefinite hiatus, and Mare Internum is completed)

I honestly don't know if The Meek will ever be finished? Which is a bummer because I was hooked from the start. Granted I haven't revisited it in a long time so I can't recall a lot of details, but I remember it being wonderfully rich in world building and all of the characters were complex and shared interesting dynamics with each other. Fantasy setting with dangerous god-like beings playing sandbox with the politics and fates of the human world. There is also most definitely a green-haired girl in the story and she's really cool. Again, my memory is a tad fuzzy on this one so current opinion could be different from previous opinion.

Mare Internum is fully completed and is a sci-fi story that explored the dangers of an alien-inhabited Mars with a reluctant main lead. Proceed with caution as the very first page depicts an attempted hanging by the main character (there are warnings but it is the first page so it can take you a bit off-guard). I actually just realized as I was writing this that I never finished the story and that's very silly and goofy of me, but that just means we can experience it together haha.

Off-White by Jessi Derenthal, Anna Podedworna and Katarzyna Redesiuk (unfortunately discontinued, but who know what will happen in the future?)

I have to recommend the comic that indulged my wolf-girl era, it's only fair. But it's also because it's a beautifully painted comic and the team is so talented. I haven't caught up with them recently but I hope they're all doing well wherever they are. The setting is heavily inspired by Norse mythos, and the main characters flip between humans and wolves struggling to survive the spiritual collapse of the world as humans wipe out each respective spirit for total power. I remember being absolutely entranced by this comic and would get so excited every time it updated so my friend and I could read it. It's currently available on the Internet Archives and Wayback Machine, as the site was too expensive for the creators to sustain.

WOW I guess I was holding onto that for a while. Thank you so much for the ask! I can't promise I'll have the same energy for future asks but I really hyper-focused on this one since comics are one of my Special Interests. I also just started reading My Superhero!, so thank you for the recommendation!

[qqueenofhades]

Maybe this is a controversial opinion, but its one that I've been reminded of in the few weeks since things have escalated so severely in Israel and Palestine-- I feel like the pressure for random, average individuals online to be vocally political is not only entitled and uncomfortable, but also just an example of misplaced priority.

Like, I have people on twitter right now that are flat out saying if you don't talk extensively about I/P you're truly, irredeemably evil. I've had mutuals say that silence means you're complacent in genocide, that you have blood on your hands (exact words). But it just doesn't make sense? Most of the people who I've seen being flat out harassed for being silent are teenagers who don't have money to donate, working class folks who don't have time to spare, and normal people who just don't have enough of a following online to even spread any word effectively. Of course, the ones doing the harassing are also poor/busy/not-popular, but they don't see the irony. (I've also seen them say that talking about war constantly is taking a toll on their mental health, saying they've cried, had nightmares, panic attacks, etc...but they also say that taking a mental health break from social media is "selfish" and genocidal, so.)

The whole interaction leaves me with so many questions. If stepping away from social media because politics are stressing you out (which they are known to do), are you obligated to use social media? Do you have to use twitter to be a good person? What does that say about people who can't afford a phone, or live in a country where it isn't quite possible? (Are homeless folks inherently genocidal, or is that an "obvious" exception that was never clarified because no one uses nuance anymore?) If you have to talk about world events, lest you side with the oppressor, at what point is something so catastrophic you *must* talk about it? Is there a number of lives lost that is low enough you can get away with being quiet, and a certain amount too high that you're obligated to talk about it? Is it your duty to have the news on 24/7 to make sure you don't miss anything and catch all the global disasters as they happen? How much do you have to talk about something for it to be considered "enough"? Is there a quota??

It just feels like a lot of people are acting as if people who aren't chronically online aren't 1. doing any activism, because the only important activism is social media networking (sarcasm), or 2. are inherently bad people for *not* spending 6 hours a day on their phones. Like, I had someone I thought was a friend say I was a bad person because I was trying to cut down my social media usage, because the timing was "too convenient"... as if that's a normal thing to say to someone, ever. Sorry if I went on a little bit of a rant, it wasn't my intention. I dunno, maybe it's just me; I've seen a lot of people saying this sort of stuff so maybe they are the majority. It just feels really weird to let people that are addicted to social media take charge of who online is "good" or "bad" based off their internet usage. As if we were all catholics or something. If I were to say that current takes on morality were very catholic-seeming, would you know what I mean?

As recently noted, I am myself on an embargo from answering asks related to this topic. I will make one exception because this is important. Please note that any wank in replies or reblogs will be instantly blocked (and I won't hesitate to disable reblogs if necessary). I will not be answering follow-up asks or getting drawn into Discourse. I do not want to do it and it will not be happening.

I have said it before, but it bears saying again: thinking that the only way to Do Activism is to be constantly on social media and immersing yourself in terrible things nonstop and then posting the Most Correct Opinions (and then viciously attacking anyone who is even slightly Not As Correct as you) is absolutely bullshit. If you're engaging with this content so much that it's giving you a mental breakdown or otherwise plunging you into a spiral of anxiety that you take out on other people who are just as far removed from actually doing anything about it as you: why? Do you really think that you and you alone, one random person on the Internet, are the only way anyone else is going to find out about these things? Or do you think you have to perform the Most Correct Opinions nonstop, viciously harass anyone who isn't responding in exactly the same way, and this is the sum total of what your response should be? Especially in a situation as bloody and complicated as this, dealing with reams of religious, social, cultural, and political history where the average commentator on this conflict knows only what's been fed to them by propaganda on TikTok? How the fuck is that useful or constructive for anyone, aside from perpetuating the idea that you have to be angry all the time on social media about things you essentially know nothing about? I can't see that it does.

What's happening to the Gazans right now is no qualification or equivocation, a genocide. It should rightfully be opposed and called what it is. But unfortunately, I have spent too much time around Western Online Leftists to believe they actually care a whit about stopping genocide as a fundamental principle, and only want to be seen to loudly care about what their Ideology has told them to care about. If it means hand-waving aside genocide and atrocities when committed by their preferred polities, so be it. Why haven't these same people been wall-to-wall up in arms about what Russia has been doing in Ukraine, or for God's sake Syria for the past ten years, if they're really concerned about the rights of innocent Muslim civilians attacked by a far-right imperialist power? Why not the Uighurs in China? Why not [insert the blank] of all the terrible things happening in the world as a result of far-right fascist genocidal imperialism? Why only this conflict? Why now? Why does it involve so much excusing of terrorism as long as it's committed for the Right Ideology? Why are some of the most loudly pro-Palestinian accounts on here also the most rabidly pro-Russian? How does that make sense? To put it bluntly, those genocides are being committed by nation-states that Online Leftists like for being "anti-Western," and therefore their activities are actually fine and should even need to be defended.

My point is not to say that what's happening to the Palestinians is not bad. It is. It is awful and inexcusable. However, I seriously doubt the motives and morality of those who are being the loudest about screaming on social media and attacking everyone else for not instantly repeating their views. I seriously doubt that the Online Left actually opposes genocide and accelerationism as fundamental principles, because they proudly demonstrate every day that they don't. Until those vast factors can be dismantled and shown for what they are, and this can be placed into its larger context, I don't buy it and I don't believe this wall-to-wall social media outrage factory is actually aimed at helping the Gazans or anyone else suffering the most as a result of this. It is just to show that they can be counted on to Perform Outrage and harass anyone else who doesn't do the same, and that does nothing for anyone whatsoever.

[cnestus]

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is your job and degree? Getting into the field of entomology is a bit intimidating and I would appreciate any any advice.

i tend to be a little cagey about my exact job since my field is quite small and there's enough people following me that the chances of someone deciding to take offense to something and Get Weird at me are nonzero, but that's probably excessive paranoia on my part. then again beloved internet bug person mossworm got recently sacked from their job on account of weirdo online tattletales so maybe not.

anyway i can say i work for a government agency identifying insects from a pretty wide geographic range, looking for new exotic species and potential pests. during the busy season i spend most of my time processing huge volumes of raw trap samples, pulling out insect groups of interest, mostly woodboring beetles, for myself or one of the other entomologists in the lab to identify to species. during the off-season when we're not getting tons of new samples i get a little more free reign to work on other projects of my own design, so for example lately i've been working on my bee identification skills and am slowly putting together a large reference collection of native bee species that i reserved from years of insect trap by-catch.

i got my PHD in entomology without a specific career in mind but knowing i wanted to do something that wasn't just about developing products and methods for killing unwanted insects which seem like the main entomology jobs anyone wants to fund anymore. in a perfect world i'd love a entomological curation job in a museum but those positions are rare and in-demand and i didn't have the mental fortitude to do the kind of academic work in grad school to make me competitive for that field. but then i went ahead and got a job that lets me do some curatorial work anyway so i sort of won? my position is still at least on paper about controlling unwanted insects but in practice i rarely have to do much of that work, at least directly.

i get semi-regular requests for advice on getting a job as an entomologist and i often feel like i don't have much constructive or encouraging to say, since it's hard not to feel like it's one of the many disciplines being squeezed to death by the iron hand of capitalism. more and more positions in the government and academia are being cut or downsized by bureaucrats who don't see the benefit of taxonomy or any other research that doesn't directly result in their department or some corporation making a bunch of money. whole subdisciplines are dying out as the elder entomologists who were the sole sources of knowledge about them die off. there are entire groups of insects and other arthropods that are effectively impossible to identify to species now because the one taxonomic wizard who specialized on them died without having anyone to pass that knowledge onto. Donald Bright, the only living expert on bark beetles in the preposterously diverse and morphologically subtle genus Pityophthorus, died a few months ago without an heir that i'm aware of.

also most of the taxonomic research that is being done these days is all molecular systematics which i have Opinions about but this post is way too long already.

sorry. that was a bummer. i guess i'm proof that it is still possible to get a job like this today, even if i can't help but feel like it was mostly luck that got me here. plenty of the others in my academic cohort (that didn't burn out from grad school stress) also went on to get degrees in their field of study or at least adjacent to them. and again there are still plenty of entomology jobs in other sectors like agriculture, public health, nonprofits and NGOs and stuff like that. you also don't necessarily need an advanced degree in entomology for a lot of these, and a lot of people in the entomology field came in sideways through related disciplines like ecology, evolutionary science, general biology, or even things like viticulture and forensic science to name a couple examples from my own cohort.

looking back, that was mostly a lot of vague grumbling and not much concrete advice, but to be fair asking for "any advice" is a hard prompt to go off of so i tend to default to the kinds of grim thoughts that are usually rattling round in my brain. i may also be in an especially dour mood at the moment because even though my job isn't to my knowledge at any risk of being eliminated, my lab is currently being passively if not outright antagonized by higher-level bureaucrats for genuinely mysterious reasons and i will not elaborate on that any further for reasons i mentioned at the beginning. anyway! i am always happy to at least attempt to give more specific advice but i can't promise there won't be at least a little grumbling in that as well.

[rockybloo]

Ur honestly brave asf for that recent post because people can get really nasty about that type of discourse, and you spoke nothing but facts. i wish you nothing but peace and hopefully people can learn how easy it is to simply block and move on instead of making a big stink about content they don’t vibe with.

For context for the people who might not know

Thank you!

And, like I said, the older I get and the more I witness the internet and the world itself change, the more I just...feel no desire to get into drama around fictional content.

HELL--I don't even get into fandoms anymore. I just like what I like and keep to myself because I get easily annoyed with surface level fandom drama like people disagreeing with ships for the smallest of reasons when the two pairs of characters people are fighting with AIN'T EVER EVEN CANON IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL!

THE WAY I SEE IT--The internet is a series of tubes (at the bottom of the ocean that occasionally is nibbled on by sharks and other marine life) and is contained in boxes on people's desks.

Working a job where I interact with actual people on a daily and not pfps with usernames has put into perspective how dumb a lot of internet discourse really is and I always feel some typa envy for the regular person who is just vibin' unaware of the digital fuckery.

The longer I've been around, the less free time I have as well. So these small little gaps when I don't gotta work or sleep, I try to take advantage of and treat myself, often with my own OCs.

I think the proper word to use for how I feel about the internet is "jaded". I now understand the power of touching grass. The world is a big and wonderful place where the average human will not care I made a 30 tweet long thread about someone. Or that I tweet at all!

And what sucks is that saying the simple phrase "I do not care about online discourse about fictional media" will cause a buncha people to immediately go "WELL WHAT IF SOMEONE IS DRAWING INCEST OR UNDERAGE OR NONCON DOES THAT MEAN YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT" because the internet LOVES some extremes.

And, as I've stated before, I don't fuck with fuck shit. And those things I just stated are fuck shit. Just because I am not constantly making posts upon posts about people creating that content DOESN'T MEAN I support or condone it. I block people who create that stuff. The law and higher forces will handle 'em where it's fit. I don't need the stress in my life of dogging on someone constantly to try and get them to stop doing weird fictional stuff because I know, FOR A FACT, they will not stop and I am wastin' my time. I have seen it so many times where people that get outted as weirdos do not change. Some actually celebrate their "cancellations"

I've seen so many people who spend their time online trying to be a "hero" and cancel the weirdos of fiction only for it to come out that they themselves are some other type of weird and, because their squeaky clean image they've tried so hard to maintain is ruined, they bail out. Or they will get overwhelmed with the stress or all the drama and stop posting. Or some other "bad end".

When you constantly try to portray yourself as having higher moral standing, you keep making that pedestal you accidentally are placing yourself on higher and higher so it eventually becomes unstable and topples over from even the smallest mistake you made because the internet ain't loyal. Supporters can become "I KNEW THEY WERE A WEIRDO" in less than 3 hours.

The only good I see in making a post about someone being a weirdo is that it alerts other people who might not know so they can unfollow. And even then, I have made it a task for myself where I read all of a post I can so I can craft my own opinions on someone since things have gotten to a point where if you don't gotta be making genuinely fucked up content to be seen as bad.

Humans are messy creatures and the internet is a messy place. And I wasn't placed on this planet to try to clean up either of those things. All I gotta do is stay black and die...and draw my OCs, of course.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

just some navel gazing about writing and trying to get my life in order!

i've been thinking a lot lately, as i get older and ponder how i want to use my time, about how i have to commit to writing more seriously and face the incredibly cringe feeling of taking myself seriously as a writer and feeling like my writing is important enough for me to actually devote my time to. for some reason i always get embarrassed and kind of can't even openly claim to be a writer to anybody in my life, and even stating irl that i want to put time every day toward writing as a priority feels so embarrassing because WHO DO I THINK I AM THAT I SHOULD GET TO DO THAT???, but the fact remains that it's the #1 thing i want to do with my life and my time and i know that if i don't, i'll majorly and deeply regret it forever! i waste a lot of my time just idly browsing the internet without really getting anything out of it, since it's such an easy default way to spend all your time these days, and i'm realizing that if i want to actually feel pleased with how i chose to spend my existence, i need to stop doing that and start actively devoting myself to making writing a regular part of my life instead. (my attention span is so shot from All The Internet In My Brain All The Time Always that i can't even daydream story ideas the way i used to back in the years before iphones! i sit down with the intention to just think about story ideas and i can't stay there long enough to come up with anything. so that's, ha ha ha, disturbing! i still do okay idea-generating when i actually sit down to write, but it's like i can't convince my brain to be interested in it anymore except when i'm actively deciding to do some writing.)

anyway. not including any publishing goals in this resolution, because i still have no idea how to navigate that world without absolutely losing my mind and i feel like i need to be on a way firmer foundation as a writer before i even try, but i really want to write as many stories as i can in my lifetime and my current life choices are NOT putting me on the path to do that. so i need to grow up and start choosing writing (and its cousin, reading books!) over the empty but ceaseless entertainment of just looking at things online all day every day in order to de-stress from work. aughhhhhhh!!!!! i want my mind back so bad but it's gonna be so hard to get it!!!! being a person with goals and dreams and a singular artistic passion is so embarrassing!!!!!!! but what's the alternative?!?!?!! pining for writing or the rest of my life without ever trying?????? 🙃🙃🙃

[llitchilitchi]

Yes I want to hear it. Don't hesitate to delete right after posting, I'll see your account update

okay so warnings for mentions of the drituation, the stuff happening with wil and q and all the terrible things that come with it including suicide mentions

mcyttwt has turned fandom into a cult and I am not even joking anymore. it requires people to be invested in it full time, spend a lot of time and energy on it to the point of exhaustion (which is an actual cult leader thing to do to make people easier to manipulate) and causes everyone high levels of stress while also making everyone be the cop so that everyone behaves according to a very puritan doctrine.

we have seen it time and time again and the worst of it that I was emotionally still present for was the drituation when I saw people mass deactivate and half of my dash was in a massive panic talking about killing themselves because of what happened. it was a massive downward spiral and I see it becoming A Trend, especially since we had two messed up situations happen back to back now.

there is a really unhealthy trend of people connecting their whole identities to fandom and the One White Boy they happen to be watching the most, oftentimes it's a fandom they found when they were at a very low point (again, this is a cult recruiting technique. while I am not saying that people joining fandoms when feeling low is a cult thing, the fact that people enter a fandom that is so emotionally taxing while also fully investing themselves into this one thing does oftentimes have similar results) - there is obviously the cult of purity and perfection and "unproblematicness" involved in all this, from ships through behaviour checks and content that we are allowed to create and consume. it's really, really unhealthy in so many ways because if something big happens, like with the stuff about W being introduced, people tend to fall apart because they intertwined their lives so thoroughly with the figures they worship with a puritan mindset they feel like they lost purpose. there are people who try to scrub Years of their lives off the internet (and sometimes even delete off their hard drives or destroy items tied to it IRL) because their fave CC happened to do something shitty. which is a really scary thing to even think about.

I'm genuinely getting the feeling that people are so deep in denial (both W fans before W admitted to everything, and now with qolos being in denial of Q fucking up big time) BECAUSE they tied their whole lives with the celebrity they love so much. combined with the fact that mcyttwt has a massive purity issue, admititing that their "figure of worship" did something bad, which in their puritan eyes is an irredeemable sin, their lives are pointless, all they ever did was pointless, and by supporting someone who was fucking them over and hurting others they are taking on the blame like it's the primordial sin.

so to keep themselves from admitting that people Can fuck up and some of them Do fuck up, be it intentional or not, Especially when they see such things as Irredeemable, they just keep lying to themselves while wrapping it up in woke language, because the purity was always packaged in leftist language without any of them actually examining what any of those words mean.

tl;dr the fandom is a cult and I am worried because it is actively harming people's wellbeings

[pineappleciders]

can you write sunny x a reader who (in a sfw way) age/pet regresses? btw if you dont know what that is, the smallest explanation i could say is its when someone reverts to a childlike/animal mindset to cope with stress, deppresion, anxiety, ect.... i pet regress to a cat and age regress to about 5 if that helps... thank you :'3 i think he would like taking care of someone. i hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable.

SUNNY with a reader (or S/O) who age/pet regresses

A/N: okay im gonna be completely honest and say that i didn't really know how to do this!!!! 1. i didnt really know how to write romantic headcanons like this so it probably seems more platonic and 2. i don't know anything about pet regression so it's based solely off of what i know from the internet!!! apologies if anything is rude or unwanted, this is very new for me!!

☆ ☆ ☆

doesn't he like.. canonically age regress?? like how he spent 4 years in his head where he and all of his friends are 12??

i think that definitely continues post-ending. like he's kinda silent and like. idk tugs on his mom's clothes when he sees dino nuggets in a super market like he's 9

so he completely understands. he isn't really aware there's an actual term for it. like i don't think he's the type to idk. roleplay as a kid over discord. i think he does it completely by accident in real life like being distracted by kiddy things and stuff

u two definitely color and draw a lot. like he brings paper and crayons and pencils and stuff over and you two spend hours like. lying down and kicking your feet while doodling

he definitely draws his headspace friends and draws your headspace ego

you two do things like go to aquariums and smush your face against the glass cuz ur like. freaking out over the fish

bubble baths with rubber duckies. that's all

hc that he gets super excited whenever he sees something like, spiderman or mario related because it unconsciously reminds him of his childhood. so he'll have a bunch of like.. minecraft plushies and sonic stickers. he isn't even interested in them anymore, but it reminds him of being a kid again

might give u silly little nicknames like sport or any names that like. your parent would give you

other than that idk if i can really see him being a 'caregiver'. i honestly think he has too much emotional baggage and needs to re-experience his own childhood before he can do that for someone else

u remind him of mewo sometimes

he gets little balls of yarn for you and a little collar with a bell on it (i mean this in the least weird way possible)

in the future he probably gets a cat, and has like a scratching post for the cat. and he probably caught you like scratching on it one time

i don't know if sunny is really one for physical touch, but he might mindlessly pet you or massage your hair when u act like a cat. and he probably gets a little awkward when u start purring but doesn't stop

[blazingsaza]

Becoming "Mother of Succulents" Day 34:

First of all,

My roster is growing, LESSGOOOO!!!

Since the last time i've posted these, i've bought more succulents in batches. I tried to bring home the adult ones too just to compare since all i've bought were babies (with roots).

TIPS FOR FELLOW BEGGINERS: if you live somewhere hot and humid and you wanna take home a succulent that's been living it's life in nursery where it's cool and breezy,

DO NOT GET THE ADULT ONES! These plants have been pampered and living their best life in the nursery. So when you take them to the real world, they're prone to get stressed, sunburned and eventually ded.

It is better to care the smaller ones because they didn't spend their time long enough in the nursery, so it's easier for them to get acclimated in new environments.

Second, I hate to be the bearer of the bad news, i killed both Echeveria Lola (it rotted 😭) and String of Pearls (apparently i didn't know how to care string plants 🥲).

We're down to 2 in this pot. Sadge😭

Also, Topsyturvy is in a bad shape. (I didn't take pictures of her when she was at her lowest unfortunately)

I'm not exactly sure what was the cause of Turvy's deteriorating health, her leafs are getting yellow and just kept shrivelling, prunning, getting smaller and smaller. My research didn't really answer my questions either, but it gave me solution. I gave her an NPK succulent fertilizer, succulent booster and Liquinox B1 vitamins once a week. So my guess, she was both dehydrated and stressed.

After 3 weeks, she grew some healthier roots. Her colors are also returning and produce more farina. She's not 100% recovered yet but she is getting better 🤲📿

To my surprise, portulaca seems to be thriving! LESSGOOOOO!!

They seems to be more resilient, so i bought another one LOL

And now for the wild card: i went to a nearby mall. As it turns out, they're having a bazar. As far as i can see, they only sold clothings, jewelries and some other knick knacks.

So COLOR ME SURPRISE WHEN I FOUND A BONSAI TENNANT!

Of course i bought one 🤣

This is my Micro Cherry Blossom that allegedly will flower for twice a year

What i've learnt from tending these plants:

My dumbass always thought that plants needs sunlight to photosynthesis, therefore the more sunlight the better.

Wrong.

It doesn't matter what type of plants that i'm having, if the sunlight is too hot then direct light will most likely be burning my plants. Best direct sunlight for my plants would be from 6am - 9am MAX. Any later than that, it'll burn the plants. ESPECIALLY since i'm living in a tropical country. So usually, i'd move them inside until the sun doesn't scorch my porch anymore.

There's also the matter of watering. My bonsai can be watered once a day everyday but my succulents? They need to be neglected for a while. "For how long tho?" Is the question i asked the internet. Most answers "every 2 weeks". But those answers came from ppl who lives in 4 season countries and I ASSUME it's not as hot as where i am. I tried to water them after 2 weeks and Topsyturvy paid the price 😭. I also noticed my Jade's leafs gotten rrreeeaaallly soft and turning yellow after a week. So instead, i watered them once a week and give them the nutritions they need every 2 weeks.

Welp- that's all the updates regarding plants. I apologize for the lack of art contents. I am very much stressed out bcs of my upcoming wedding preparations and it affected my creative juices. These plants soothes me a lot, so i hope y'all don't mind 🙏

More plant updates and (hopefully) artworks, anon!

[pridayph]

So this is my first post on Tumblr, and i love to shared some artworks which i can say "First time", but you can really easy to found out which one is "me", right?.

So let me to introduce myself since this post is not about artwork at all because ppl need to know about me, right? hehe.

In this world, you can call me as Priday (i like to pronounce as: prīd dā) for short, sorry for my broken english which i never proud of. I'm 28 years old until now, working at a factory company which 8 hours per day and only have a weekend leave is sunday. today is day 333 of my art journey and of course my artwork in future will better than this one, but i have been thinking of quitting long time ago just because i have to focus on my job to make money, and i have no support form my parent or anyone else than internet friends, i have to spend by my tiny salary to start my digital art dreams last year with what's i have is just a cheap Samsung tablet, and my time with art become more tighter when my job took over my free times and i never have a peaceful night after work because my job really complicated and heavy.

I'm not good at communication and bad to making friends with anybody, so i had a lot of trauma and stress just because i'm not good enough to talk with anybody and got ignore most of the time. That's why i choose to silent and ngl all of my best friends are grew up and got family for their own, i'm still single and no hope for my brighter futures when i have no friends to supports and became self hatred.

i'm not a good artist, not a perfect person, not young anymore. So i hope you guys can understand my situations and feel free don't need to follow me, i'm not forcing you guys to like anything when i can feel i'm not deserve to have more loves when i almost stop fighting for my dream when i basically "making for almost nobody" if you know what's i mean. maybe because i draw ugly make me hate my own artworks before, maybe because i'm too old, maybe because i'm not deserve it. if i keep "Drawing for almost nobody", i afraid i will bring hobbies become a torture things or even worst.

I'm not quitting yet, but i afraid i can't go anywhere further, my life right now depend about my company than my tablet, and i having less free time to draw whatever i want, so i hope you guys can understand if i'm not posting artworks for long time, i need to make money too haha.

If you guys still here and read all of this long words, thank you for understand and i just hope your journey will be brighter with loves and positives. <3

With loves:

Priday Phuong.

[timeoverload]

I don't understand why you are so afraid of me. I don't think I am very scary. I try to be welcoming but maybe I'm not doing a very good job. I know I have hurt your feelings in the past and I think that was due to my lack of understanding. I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm sorry for that and I never want to hurt you again. I would take good care of you and I know that I can be an amazing partner. I am very loyal. I don't know why you can't just give me a chance.

I am not trying to be impatient with you or be pushy. I know you are having a hard time right now. I know it's not easy to step out of your comfort zone.

I have to do that every time I come to see you. Of course I love seeing you and coming to the shop. I just get so nervous every time that I feel sick and forget how to act normal. I have literally had panic attacks in the car because my social anxiety is so bad. I think it was the worst when I tried to come to see you on walk-in days because I didn't know what was going to happen and it was very stressful for me.

I don't leave my house to see anyone else but you and my family. I don't hang out with friends outside of work or anything like that anymore. I don't have any extensive conversations with anybody and my phone rarely goes off unless someone is calling me trying to get my money. I think I have gone out with friends by myself less than 5 times in the past 10+ years because I wasn't allowed to go out alone for such a long time. I became so isolated when I moved to Florida and I had no friends down there and it only got worse when I moved back to Nebraska. I also wasn't allowed to have friends over either and I tried a couple times but it didn't end well. I think I became used to the feeling of isolation unfortunately. I have always had trouble socializing since I was a kid so that definitely doesn't help. I'm not sure if I can fix that because I have been trying my entire life. I am just weird I guess.

I don't think I have gone out to do anything since I moved back home. I haven't gone to any concerts. I can't remember the last time I went out to eat at a restaurant or to a bar. I don't go outside unless I'm driving somewhere or walking from the parking lot to and from work. I have to have a blood test on Friday and I think my vitamin D levels are very low because I rarely see the sun anymore unless I'm looking through the window. The world scares me more now because I've had a lot of bad experiences.

I don't know if you have the same problems with social anxiety or not but I totally understand if you do. It's not easy to deal with.

I want you to know that I'm not going to stop you from doing the things you enjoy or living your life. You are free to do the things that make you happy. All I ask is that you spend time with me when you can. I wouldn't force you to spend all of your time with me. I understand the need for quiet time. I'm not controlling. I would like to make your life easier and I don't want to stress you out.

If you have a problem with something I'm doing, you can just tell me. I'm not going to get mad about anything unless you yell at me or something. I would hope you wouldn't do that though. I know you are very caring and you have been gentle towards me in person. I avoid confrontation as much as possible because I don't like fighting.

I think it's kind of funny how we both sit in our rooms alone all the time. I don't understand why we can't sit together in OUR room. I think it would be more enjoyable than having to stalk each other on the internet. It isn't good for either of us. I also want you to know that I believe in you and I love you.

Anyway, it has been a long day. I don't want to stay up too late since I woke up too early because I couldn't stop coughing. Sometimes my acid reflux causes me to have coughing fits in the middle of the night. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it's annoying when it does. If I go to the doctor, they will probably just put me on a PPI again and last time it hurt me more than it helped me. I got put on omeprazole for gastritis about 6 months before I got my kidney infection that caused sepsis. I read a study recently about how proton pump inhibitors can increase the risk of infections and suppress the immune system. They can also increase the amount of E. Coli bacteria in the body which is the strain of bacteria that caused my infection. I am going to stay far away from that stuff.

Work wasn't very exciting. I wasn't that busy and my cases should have been done at 3 but they added another one for 5 so I had to do other things for 2 hours while I waited. I only had to stay 30 minutes late. I suppose I shouldn't complain because I got off at 4 yesterday. I don't have any cases in the morning tomorrow. Thursday might be busy unless the weather gets bad again. I am planning on getting groceries tomorrow after work just in case.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm just rambling now. I don't really want to make food because I ate a lot earlier. I have some blueberry muffins I need to eat before they go bad so I will probably have those and some other snacks. I will probably get ready for bed after that because I'm already having trouble keeping my eyes open. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow too!!! 💖💖💖

[thunderheadfred]

Life stuff update!

Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.

Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.

Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.

So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.

He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.

What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...

Anyway. That's been a lot.

Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?

Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.

Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.

Okay my fingers are tired

love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee

[nyrator]

Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

[byierficrecs]

why did you leave sttwt?

welp, to start with, sttwt really started slowing down after august and it practically died after st day. sometimes the flame is reignited when favourable interviews drop or big events occur (like noah's coming out), but for the most part a lot of the people moved on to different interests and fandoms (and i,,, didn't x.x)

that said, i mostly left because it was just super toxic. everyone was always fighting and partaking in dumb ship wars,,, there was constant witch hunting and negative rumours would spread like wildfire, with no one ever bothering to fact-check before cancelling someone,,, there was also a somewhat competitive atmosphere, with people being obsessed over numbers and borderline worshipping big accounts (with their mean behaviour being praised and encouraged),,,

plus, content creators (writers in particular, but fan artists too) were infinitely underappreciated and subjected to the highest, most nonsensical standards of morality that resulted in a lot of unnecessary stress for creators who were just having fun making stuff for the rest of the fandom.

a large part of sttwt seem to have fun condemning people for writing teenagers (often aged-up, sometimes even into adulthood) acting like teenagers when they're in a relationship. the smallest mention of certain words, or detailed descriptions of certain activities (like making out) will often lead to harassment and to innocent people being grouped with far more "problematic" individuals (who, mind you, are mostly just vibing on their side of the internet too). mentions of mature topics like mental health issues also bore similar reactions.

(would you believe it if i told you that my story about hop being a bit of a paternal figure to mike has led to four people calling me a pr0shipper? all because i've tagged it (appropriately) as "mike & hopper" x.x)

of course, the aforementioned competitive nature doesn't help. rating fics and fic writers has never done anyone any good; it just raises expectations (of content quality and morality) for those who garner attention, and it discourages those who will probably never be mentioned in these polls because our stuff is not popular for whatever reason.

(also, they hate au's and that's just sad)

so yeah, i left because it wasn't fun being in that negative environment. it was always there, but i spent months curating my twt experience and at some point all the bad stuff ended up reaching me regardless so i just,,, left. you can still reach me to talk there and i will continue to post recs there so the stories have as big of a reach as possible, but i don't spend much time on twitter anymore because it's way too stressful for being a fandom space.

[keefwho]

September 08 - 2024 Sunday

10:58pm

5.5/10

The first chunk of today was a blur, as usual I took a long time cooking breakfast and I wasn't sure how to start my day. Part of me wanted to spend a lot of time in Cities Skylines but I didn't get around to that. I couldn't even watch my shows because the internet was bad. I kinda messed around and did nothing until JD was free to hang out. We played Planetary Annihilation for a good while. We started off against 2 "bronze" AIs which absolutely swamped us. It was pathetic. Then we fought each other but using only bot factories and I totally smoked him. He got a little frustrated though so I felt a little bad. Although I also feel good because of how he was always the winner when we were kids, especially when it came to RTS games. We hopped on VRchat for a little after that so he could show me this world he found. I didn't think it was very good tbh, especially with the world size but he thought it was cozy. At this point I was feeling the need to talk a little deeper so I asked him how he was. We talked about whats been stressing each other out a bit and that helped. I think he got a lot of benefit out of that, more than me today. Right now and the past couple days I've been feeling strong, like I've been staying true to myself well, making plans, and sticking to decisions. My big focus has been on making sure I'm being myself. I think thats the only requirement I need to have friends or be loved. Also if I keep sacrificing who I am too much for others, I will not be able to take it anymore. I'm forced to respect myself lest I snap.

I was peaking at mods and stuff for PA when DS let me know she was free. We watched some youtube, took a practice drivers test, and then she bought Hades so she could stream it. We moved to my server for that. It was a lot of fun, it was more pleasant to watch than I thought it would be. I knew I'd have fun either way but I really got into it. Unfortunately someone annoying joined for awhile but he did leave eventually. He was backseating and doing that thing where he talks to his pets out loud WAY too much without anyone having any context for what he's doing. DS and I would be trying to listen to the dialogue but he'd be yapping to his dog. In bed we did classic puzzles. I felt like I shared a good sentiment to DS tonight which is not caring or giving into people that might think something about you. Its really toxic behavior I've learned and I hope that sometimes I can help quell that kind of thing because I don't like to see her or anyone else I care about losing themselves to others. I think I'm right with this new emphasis on being myself and I want to spread that to others. True connection happens between 2 entities that identify each other as separate beings. And we can only do that when we act like our own being knowing we will be accepted for it. Either entity bending to the will of the other creates an unbalanced dynamic which often results in harm.

I think a lot like a sleep schedule is the foundation of all scheduling, being yourself is the foundation of many things as well. It's a core requirement to pursue anything higher effectively.

Lately being myself includes accepting how I feel and loving strongly. It also includes making the tough decision to enforce more boundaries and take care of myself in an attempt to be more effective at contributing to my environment in the ways I choose to. Thats whay I want, to be a well functioning individual that helps improve areas I personally think need it. I also want to help my loved ones and let them know that I love them very deeply. It's something I was a little ashamed to admit because my behavior has often been pointed out to be problematic or undesirable. Over time I've taken to believe that my form of "love" is unwelcome so I cannot experience it anymore. I'm not allowed. But I am. Maybe I have made mistakes in the past but they do not bar me from experiencing a basic human need and trying to do it right. I love. I love a lot. I refuse to hide it.

[illbesafesomeday]

Beginning of an End

I used to write on Instagram for everything that I feel, especially whenever I feel low, unloved, ignored, or neglected. I have been diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder, and whether you believe it or not, I am scared of a lot of things, except dying.

I was told to take one day at a time, and that's what exactly do. Everyday.

There are days that can be managed, and there are days harder than the others. And that is not okay. And not all the best sounding quotes over the Internet could sweeten the feeling whenever that happens.

My husband has taken good care of me since we got married - until his depression recurred. Since then, I feel like everyday I have to be very careful, or else I'll end up with the cold, stoic treatment. It saddens me that I thought when I finally find my person, I won't be alone anymore. But that's what happening since we came back from the states. And there are really days I just want to jump out of this apparently cursed apartment I have been so stressed of hearing about and worked hard to find for him, only ending up that my stresses and efforts are to be not appreciated because of 'bad timing'.

I don't think I could ever be appreciated again. I feel that I'll never get the man that I married back again. I feel bad for my dogs who have to cower everytime we start to talk, and he is the only one managing the conversation. There was a time that he broke the fan so both of my dogs swarmed to me, then he hit the window, thank god it didn't break as we were just beside it. I love this man so much, that I don't want him to further spiral down the road he had been before. He has so much on his plate right now: work, death of a family member, sick family members needing help. The most that I can do is to do sidelines, but I have to be careful of which I could only take, because I cannot spend too much time away from him. But when I am there, he doesn't 'spend' time with me. He watches, he plays, he is on his phone, but when I am on my phone, it's because I became 'a slave of the social media.' No. I am just trying to find through the distance, in another make believe environment, that maybe there are people who find me valuable enough to be noticed and talked to.

I am an artist. I used to paint, I used to draw, I used to sing. I came from a family of musicians, performers, and artists. I want to do those things continuously, and right now, we live 2 hrs away from Seoul, where the happenings for these kind of things happen. I tried modeling, something I did before back home for quite some time, and to my surprise, I got callbacks and shoots from people. It was fun. Finally, something that treats me equal, regardless of gender, race, or age. I hate it in this town that because it is a military town, mysogynist jokes are just jokes and no one can be offended by it. Same goes with racist jokes. I am a hispanic-asian woman from a third world country in Southeast Asia. They say I am just too sensitive. I think they're just undereducated or ignorant.

The only worries that I have right now are my doggies. I wanted to bring them here because I never though it will turn out into this. I wanted them to experience snow. I took out a loan just to get them here, that's how much they are worth it. Now I am worried what will happen to them if I die. And I need to make advanced savings so I can make arrangements while we are still just here in Korea. I know my husband will give them up, because he told me before he would likely do, everything that will remind him of me.

I just wish I have my old man back. The man that I married. The man who prepared my hot bath because I am hurting everywhere on my first winter. The one who went out of his way to get me here. The one who keeps on saying "I love you more." The one that tells me he'll do everything for me.

He's not coming back.

He is gone. I got him into this mess. He is not coming back. And he has a better chance of being his old happy self again is when I'm gone.

That's the truth of it. He even told me about it one night and I couldn't contain my tears and I cried. To hear that I am the reason why he is now having these issues breaks my heart, because my goal of marrying the person I love is to serve him, love him, be proud of him, hype him, encourage him, care for him, and all the other positive things that is connected with the concept of loving someone.

Unfortunately, people fucked up. And usually, when I got fucked up, nobody is capable of taking responsibility for it. They wash their hands clean just like what Pontius Pilate did, then look down on me, and tell me I brought it all to myself. That standing up for myself is narcissism. Efforts that I make are either unseen or not as important as what is still to be done. I will never do enough. I will never be enough. There is always something to be done. I always need to upgrade. Especially after what I have experienced in the past months, doing so much hardwork with minimal to zero efforts, living and trying is no longer worth and rewarding as it used to be... and it is my fault...

I am tired of being what seems to be the curse or pestilence into someone's life... I just wanted to be loved, respected, and cared for, something I am so much capable of giving... I needed to move to this space because my husband goes through my phone whenever I am sleeping in the evening and reads through my messages, my private Instagram account that nobody follows, and even through my archives. He is paranoid of my online activities. If only he knows he doesn't need to be as paranoid if only he can be the loving and caring husband he promised on our wedding day to be, not the person who completely let up on me when his family was here...

He let me up... He let the scale totally tip, with almost no effort to recognize me as a wife, thank me as someone who helps, and in the evening doesn't tell me a single word of recognition or affirmation, but only blame me on what I did to make the scale tip...

Why did you let me up..? </3 Why..? I may not be perfect, but... why did you have to let me up..? And unfortunately, with how things are going, there is no way you are gonna acknowledge how much that hurt... how much it made me lonely... how much I almost killed myself...

I don't think it matters to you anymore anyway... I understand you got your plate full, and anything related to me is a nuisance addition to what you shouldn't be thinking of anymore...

I am sorry... I love you, more than anything else in this world... But clearly your love for me is no longer the same, and I understand, because my depression has now taken you too... I am really sorry...

On this page, I will continue to express my thoughts and plans, until the day I die... Until the day I get myself killed... Because I failed... I failed big time... I failed too many major characters in this story, and none of them care about me anymore...

And it's okay... I'd rather have it that way, so I know my death won't be a selfish act, because how can it be selfish if it doesn't seem to affect anyone anyway..? When nobody seems to care right now for me anyway... Jeez, I bet more people care for my dogs than me, hehe, and that's better... I want my dogs to be loved and have a good life... I deserve to disappear and die alone... And it's gonna happen... It's got to happen... May the heavens help me...

[sleepyivoryrose]

So...twitter seems to be dying. Big social networks come and go, it happened with Facebook, it happened with Tumblr, and now it happened with Twitter. A bit like a virus, which spreads their deadly wings across the fields of the web. I guess if you are too long on the internet, you develop a certain nihilistic view on it. Unless you are really frikkin strong and can ignore all the negative vibes it gives. Because the internet has also wonderful places! Just like real life, it brings the best and the worst out of you. The thing is, real life is less...transparent, I think. Ironicly, everyone being anonymous and all.

__

I'm still miffed about my looks. But it does have its upsides too. For example, people are less likely to talk to me! I think. The people in my city are all very shallow, but...in the end, looks vanish. Everyone, if they are lucky, grow old and wrinkly. When I think about it, there is something beautiful about old people too. The wisdom and i-dont-give-a-shit-anymore attitude a lot bring. Of couse there are also very bitter people, but...I guess it's a misconception, that old = ugly.

I mean, I kind of deserved my actual looks though. If you don't take care of your body, the body doesn't take care of you, easy as that.

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To change the subject, I started a new island! In Animal Crossing, that is. I want to try with HeavenFall again. I love the idea of the Animal Crossing characters fighting against heavenly eldritch abominations, yet like with many things, I can't stay motivated/focused. I really should bite myself through the projects, but there are so many things I'm interested in, I can't possibly decide!

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My social training is doing alright. I mostly spend my time on my phone, playing away, because nobody wants to talk to me and I don't want to talk to anybody. It was always hard for me to connect with others, but with the years, it grows even more difficult. Specially if you don't have a job, because you can't work with your illness. I try sometimes, but...I can't cope with the stress.

Right now I have several projects, for example my beloved Royal Garden Army! I love my flower ladies and gents so muuuch. It almost hurts. But I kind of am out of the loop with writing, and far not as creative as I used to be, sooo it's a tough'un.

I think I'll keep bumblefuckign my way through life. I was thinking of opening my own shop with anime merch, but it's of course a strain on the wallet, and I got no audience to sell them too (which is good! that's exactly what I want). Maybe on ebay or so? I gotta think a little bit about it, a little bit more.