#I don't remember Alexia's birthday anymore and have no way of figuring it out but I really wish I could

[la-lauren]

Part of the Alexia conversation, though, was that if Alexia ever came back into my life in any capacity (not ever going to happen), TT wouldn't want that. Like, it would be a serious conversation with action behind it.

It's so interesting to me that she can appreciate Alexia for the role she has played in my life while still being jealous (this might not be the word) enough to not want me to be friends with her if the opportunity came back around after all these years. A literal decade+.

I can't say she's wrong for that. I'd be in emotional turmoil FOR SURE.

LinkedIn continues to suggest Alexia to me every few days, and I still can't figure out why just her. The other random suggestions I get are never repeated this frequently, but it's like LinkedIn is trying SO HARD to force me to interact with her. It makes me wonder if she has looked at my profile or something to cause it to think we know each other. I still don't know how it connected us, because we actually have no mutual connections on LinkedIn. The ONLY thing I can think of is if Alexia still has the same email address she did when we still talked, but then, why did LinkedIn JUST start suggesting her within the past year when I know Alexia has had her LinkedIn much longer than that? It's just odd, you know?

My relationship with TT developed so quickly, but we both agreed that our third night together in person is the night we became a couple. It was the night we had sex. That third night happened to be my birthday.

And coincidentally, when Alexia got married, it was on my birthday (I'm a snooper). I have always wondered if her wedding date was intentional, but I know SHE isn't weird enough to do something like that, so it was just coincidental. The coincidence is just cosmically ... something.

So Alexia's union and mine are my birthday, and I guess I feel some kind of weird way about that.

Alexia always told me she felt so much love for me in a way that pained her, and I didn't (and don't) understand it, because as far as I understood, it was always a very platonic love. But platonic, intense love from her end too. We felt connected, and I believe we were. Part of me thinks we still are somehow. Bound by that shared love, even if my inability to be a non-toxic human tried so hard to break that bond.

"And I think of you, when I fuck her I use the moves, the ones we learned It's always the next person That gets the better version 'Cause baby, you loved me at my worst And you fixed my heart, but the thing that hurts Is now some other person Is gonna get the better version And now some other person Is gonna get the better version of me"

There is no alternate universe in which I ever end up with Alexia, but I will always think of her and the nights spent spooning her in bed watching TV, playing with her hair, holding her body to dance to music with lyrics I didn't understand, riding our bikes over cobblestone streets in a race she always won, tackling her and pinning her down after chasing her through her house, holding her tightly on the rooftop wishing she didn't have to go.

I might always think of her when fucking anyone else.